Ep 145: Kiri Pritchard-McLean

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the jelly of conversation, the custard of humour, the cream of the internet, and creating the trifle of good times.

Yeah, I don't think it's fair that you did such a good one just now, because I think that misrepresents you to the great British menu viewers.

But we're not, no, this is just us being normal, remember?

Yep, it's just us being normal and that was very good.

Thank you.

That's the best one you've done in quite a few series.

I turn it on.

I think that.

I think it, yeah.

I turn it on when it's for TV, man.

Maybe we pretend that's there for every episode.

That was very good.

The trifle.

Thank you.

I can't believe you've not done a trifle one book.

No, no.

I'll be using that.

today later.

James, why don't you tell everyone what the podcast is about?

This is the off-menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James A.

Caster, where we invite a guest into the dream restaurant and ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week our guest is Kiri

Pritchard MacLean.

Yes, Kiri, a wonderful comedian, writer.

She's part of a sketch group, but she's not even on stage with them.

No, very rare that you get someone who doesn't, you know, a performer, but who doesn't put their ego first.

No.

She writes for that.

She does her own stand-up.

She does a musical, it's called.

And I'm always worried worried when I tell people it's a musical, because it sounds like I'm saying

musical.

But it's a musical.

It's the amuse.

Eccle.

It's comedians singing songs from musicals.

Yes.

I've done it.

You've done it in a non-singing capacity.

I was a dancer.

Yes, you were a dancer because you don't like singing in public.

No, I hate it.

Even though at the off-menu live shows, you did a song medley, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

I faced my fear.

Yeah, you did face your fear.

You did it.

And as you were going out on stage, I suddenly remembered James doesn't normally sing in public.

You better better not mention it because then he'll remember that it's his main fear.

Yeah, I forgot it, luckily.

I did the song, so that was good.

So maybe I'll do that for a musical one day if we get an official off-menu musical.

Yes.

Because it's songs from musicals.

So then I could go in a musical and do the Corston Press medley.

Off-menu would make a really good musical.

And it would be the first podcast that had a musical based on it.

And then maybe that would start a trend, you know.

Like for ages, Jukebox musicals weren't a thing.

Yeah.

And then they suddenly everyone does them now.

It seems stupid at one point.

yeah but at one point there'll be a podcast musical and we'll have all the off menu songs in it and they'll be hey there mr bonito

i got a new troll for you oh

still are sparkling still are sparkling make your choice choose your water choose your water

that'd be great first half still or sparkling yeah poppadums or bread yes poppadums or bread the curtains start to come down you're like why is it finished and then they just come up suddenly it goes

yeah yeah really scary one and it's got to be a huge one as well so it can't be me jumping out.

It's got to be like a big projection on the screen.

Yeah.

A 3D of my head, like a hologram.

Well, because, of course, the musical will go around the world.

Yes.

So you can't be at every performance, so they're going to have to use a hologram anyway.

We would probably have to be like Lim Manuel Miranda is, of like, you know, you're

usually thinking in the OG cast.

Yes.

So you'd have to do like, you know, original cast, and then maybe every now and again when it opens in different countries, we will be in the cast to get the punters in.

Oh, Puppetry of the Penis was originally started by two men

and then they franchised it.

Yes.

And they auditioned other peni.

So we should do this until we've done it so much that we've permanently damaged our penises.

Yes, until they're all flat and they've got a different colour.

And they've all got different angles that

shouldn't be there on a penis.

I'm in.

We love Kiri, but if she says a secret ingredient that we've pre-selected, we'll cook her out and it's an ingredient we don't like.

That's the rules.

Yeah, it's always an ingredient we don't like.

And this week, the secret ingredient is dusty meringues.

Dusty meringues.

This This is one of your choices, James.

Yeah, I'm the new Bleasedale.

I hate powdery, dusty meringues.

I've chosen the secret ingredient this week.

Very proud of myself.

I hate it.

I love chewy meringue.

Yeah.

Ah, it's one of the best things ever.

You feel like you're really lucked out when you have a chewy meringue.

Do you pray to Jesus?

I pray to Jesus to meringue Jesus.

And I'll say thank you.

God bless your chewy centre, chewy meringue Jesus.

Meringue Jesus was very chewy in the middle.

That's how they nailed him up there.

He was.

Because if it had been one of those supermarket dusty meringues, shattered straight away.

He would would have just got down bad luck suckers

i haven't got any hands now but uh

that's true the dusty meringues if you break into them or you try and put a fork in them yeah they explode like a vampire that's just been put in the sun it's exactly what they look like and and you know it's not going to taste good all you're tasting is all the sugar or and nothing else no no flavor so it's just like you should like it no because it's just stuff that's bad so you just go here's a reminder of why this is bad for you and that's it right and i want it to be so tasty that i just forget that's the perfect desserts that you forget it's bad for you at all because it's so delicious.

Meringue is just like, there you go, you can literally feel it.

Rot your teeth and then seep into the rest of your body all at the same time.

And that's all.

That's all you get.

And that's more my dad's speed.

Yeah.

Your dad just likes to get the pure shot of sugar, doesn't he?

Get it in, loves it.

I don't like dusty meringues, and I like choosing secret ingredients that allow us to doff our caps and to the great ingredients.

The good version.

The chun meringues are the best, and these ones are worst and shouldn't be there so if kiri comes in and specifically picks dusty meringues that explode like a bad jesus yes she's out of the dream restaurant and look i should come clean it wasn't completely my idea we talked about this with mirror sile in her episode about uh dusty meringues because she chose to eat a mess so we did kind of slag it off with mira sometimes look sometimes our inspiration comes from other people you know

We're always chatting about these things.

New ideas are coming up all the time.

We've kicked one person out of the dream restaurant in the past, one person only, that's Jade Adams.

Jade Adams co-hosts a musical with Kiri.

Good point.

It would be pretty poetic if we kick them both out.

And we love poetry.

We love poetry here on the Off Menu podcast.

There was a young boy called Benito

who liked to put stocks on his feet, though.

But along came a spider

who crawled in his shoe.

You do what?

Is it one rhyme?

I can't remember.

No, no, no.

Spider should never mind with the next bit.

Oh, right.

If it's a limerick.

A crawled up inside.

Insider?

Yep.

But who's the sheep?

What's to say?

And then he ate all of his wheatos.

I don't know.

I mean, it doesn't really.

Should we get on with the podcast?

Yes.

This is the off-menu menu of Kiri

John McClay.

Welcome, Kiri, back to the dream restaurant.

Yes, thank you so much for having my repeat booking.

Welcome, Kiri, Pitchard McLean to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Wow.

You said that so quickly.

I thought this could be really cool to do it real quick.

Also, I was planning on saying more stuff.

I was planning on saying, like, well, you know, that we've been expecting her for some time, although we've already been on it.

Yeah.

And we've been inspecting it again, but then I run out of breath.

Yes.

We should explain for the listener

what happened because you're probably thinking, oh,

we've not heard Kiri on here before.

Yeah, have I missed an episode?

Have I missed an episode?

Stop scrolling through the old episodes, listener.

It's fine.

Hold your horses.

We've all missed an episode because we recorded an episode with you, Kiri.

A brilliant episode from memory.

Yes.

And then it all went down the pan because the great Benito ruined it.

Yes.

He said a lot of stuff.

He spoke out in the episode and said stuff that is unbroadcastable.

And we had to not set, we couldn't put it out.

He was shouted a lot of fruity opinions.

Yeah, he had some of his views.

Good, you are staying quiet now.

Good.

Because after after last time,

it was

like a lost episode.

It's like Doctor Who.

Yeah.

But there wasn't as much demand for people to find the episode.

Doctor Who with no demand, which I think is torchwood.

But that's because they found out about the Doctor Who episodes.

Now that people know about the lost episode, there's going to be as much demand as there is for a Doctor Who with episodes.

Oh, I hope so.

Yeah.

I don't want to be John Barrowman in every sense.

We are very glad you could come back into the Dream restaurant, Kiri, and actually now in person as well.

It's not on Zoom anymore.

Yeah, it was in lockdown one, I think, wasn't it?

It was a long time ago when we recorded it.

I remember one thing that I said

and I don't remember anything else.

I don't remember anything at all.

I don't remember.

As soon as we finish recording, it all just goes from my mind.

It all goes into a big shredder.

Just anything I do, just no moment.

Like that banksy.

Yeah, exactly.

My brain is like that banksy, which I don't even remember what that was of.

Yeah, I saw it on the news and

they resold it for more money.

Now it's been like half shredded or whatever.

Wow, yeah, of course.

People are thick.

It's like Hendrix's guitar, man.

When he smashed it up, Frank Zappa sent his roadies out to get all the smashed up bits.

Then they put it back together again.

Yeah, that torched wood.

Yeah.

He torched his wood.

He did set it on fire.

That's brilliant.

This episode is back on track.

Torched wood.

I remember some bits you said.

We'll see if these things come up.

Yes.

Interesting.

You've got a much better memory than me.

So there was like

a barn in your garden, and you go and eat food secretly in there.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

Yeah.

And your dad would make you a certain meal in like a chip pan or something that he never washed.

Yeah, he never washed it.

It's not changed.

And thought that it would add flavour to it each time if he didn't wash it.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

Yeah, that was really good, man.

But both the things he's referencing have deep levels of like hygiene-related red flags so i think you just you remember the most disgusting stuff it was like oh yeah my childhood of dysentery yeah i remember that

oh i was very glad to be doing that episode over zoom and i'm very tense about this actually that we've let you in person

has your dad washed the pan since we've recorded no he's got this sort of you know like quite solid frying pan that is um sort of blackened you know when you it's like a crust of black stuff on it and then he has oil in that and he cooks everything in that so eggs sausage bacon whatever whatever and he never empties it so he's he thinks that the more sort of juices are in there the more flavor it has there is some logic to that in that it's like seasoning the pan like i've got a cast iron pan like a proper cast iron pan you're not supposed to put it in the dishwasher you're not supposed to wash it with like washing up liquid because it ruins the stuff on the pan you're supposed to season it by cleaning it with oil and then like baking it so it hardens on and it all keeps the flavor it i'm not sure it's quite what your dad's doing i think what your dad's doing is just not wiping a load of bacon grease off.

Yeah.

Oh, to be fair, he did go through a stage

when he got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, shock horror,

where he would

sort of endeavour to be more health conscious.

He would pour the fat out into an old Nest Cafe jar on the side.

And then drink the Nest Cafe jar.

And yeah.

Pop one of those straws with a lot of flamingo on the end.

Once it's full,

eventually when the jar's full, they're just like, you know what I've got to do, kids?

You've got to double the jar.

Well, he was like, It's for the birds.

But then I would see him use a spatula to sort of scoop out the hard stuff on the stop and put it back in the pan.

So, back in the pan.

My father is what's it called?

A circular, he's very sort of in it, inadvertently, he's quite green.

I guess, yeah, okay, circular economy.

That's my father's whole system.

Yeah, but it's awful for him.

Yeah,

oh, he's a mess.

He's a mess.

He's a testament to the NHS and their patience.

So, I mean, I can't remember if he says still sparkling water.

So, this is exciting straight away.

I mean, my money is on.

Oh, this is a good thing.

We can bet on our own memories.

Yeah, great.

Do you know if this has changed or not?

This is the only thing I'm sure about that this is the same.

I think it's still still.

Then, for the sake of tension, I'm going to go sparkling, sparkling.

Although, you just have to say still, sparkling.

Sparkling, sparkling.

You need to deliver it in a sparkling way, otherwise that doesn't work.

It's sparkling, sparkling.

It is sparkling, sparkling.

Whoa!

I was so sure it was still.

I know, sorry.

No, this has stayed because since I saw him 30, I have just got, I think like most people got really absolutely buzz off sparkling water these days.

Love it.

Got a soda stream.

I used to, like most people, hate it.

Because my mum used to buy it in like big two litre bottles from like Aldi or Little or whatever.

This is so bizarre because the taste is very specific and she used to let it go flat because she liked the taste but not the bubbles.

Which is the most profoundly disturbing thing in the world.

Okay.

I might be being really dumb here.

Isn't that just water then?

Well, no, because it's got the taste of sparkling water without the fun of the bubbles.

Because I take the fun of the bubbles is like, I will take it on the chin, the taste of sparkling water because I like the fun of the bubbles.

But with mum, she doesn't like the fun of the bubbles, which does stack up if you know her personally.

But she does like the bitter taste.

Your dad gets the Nest Cafe jar full of oil and fat and he puts it in the soda stream, doesn't he?

And he fizzes it up.

I wouldn't be surprised.

That made me feel really deeply ill though.

Danny, what are you doing?

It's for the birds.

For the birds.

They like they're they're liking fizzy these days.

I specifically remember going with my friend Mavanui to um Brighton on a day out with her friend Dom, I think his name was.

And you know when you're out and you're like, Do you want a fizzy drink?

as like a nice treat, fun fizzy drink?

And he was like, Oh, I don't drink fizzy drinks.

And I w and he was like, I've I just stopped stopped having them, and now they taste like chemicals.

And I was like, What?

I can't.

I remember specifically thinking that in my 20s.

And then I stopped drinking them.

I used to just neck diet Coke to the point where I was worried that if you cut me open, I'd look like one of those lovely sort of amethyst paper weights with sort of crystals inside.

So then I just stopped for whatever reason.

And I went back to it now.

And fizzy drinks are quite horrible, like chemically.

Like most tins of them are really quite disgusting.

But sparkling water still gives you that sweet, sweet high of bubbles, but without the like taste.

So you used to drink a lot of Diet Coke.

Loads.

And then you stopped drinking Diet Coke for a really long time.

And now when you go back to it, it tastes like chemicals.

Yeah.

That's interesting, isn't it, guys?

That's the next step on from my story, because I used to drink...

You basically teed James up for a story he's told on this podcast.

No, hold on.

Hold on, though, because this is like Kimmy's coming up with the sequel.

So I've told this story a lot.

I used to drink a lot of Coca-Cola and I stopped drinking caffeine for like five years and then started drinking Diet Coke and it tasted just like Coca-Cola used to taste.

It's like a hack.

And then I'm drinking loads of Diet Coke.

But now it seems that if I then went the next step and stopped drinking the Diet Coke for five years, I would then go back to Diet Coke and it would taste like chemicals.

And that's interesting.

It is, yeah.

But it's really like, you're really playing the long game on this, aren't you?

And you strike me as someone who hasn't got many vices.

So have your Diet Coke.

Well, yeah, I'm letting myself do that now.

But like, it's interesting to know that there's another phase for this because it's one of the listener's favourite stories on the podcast.

A fan favourite.

Yeah, fan favourite.

I think saying to someone, you strike me as someone who doesn't have many vices, is the most polite way of saying you're an absolute dweeb.

Oh, no, more sort of like, and then this sort of like

caveat in the air is like, other than all the sex workers, you murder.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's one or the other, isn't it?

It is.

I am either a dweeb or you suspect I'm secretly a murderer.

Yeah, you can be both.

A sex murderer, to be specific.

You reminded me about something then when you were talking about giving up something.

I've lost it now.

Gone?

Yeah, I've got that

brain.

I've got attention deficit disorder, so sometimes it'll be like, oh, say that, and then I don't want to interrupt because I'm a guest at the restaurant.

I mean, you've got such bad attention deficit disorder, you couldn't remember the name for attention deficit disorder and called it brain thing.

Yeah.

That's hardcore.

Yeah, I do make it sound much more sort of severe than it is.

I've got this brain thing.

Also, now you've said about that, that visual of being cut open and you look like an amethyst paperweight.

I'm still thinking about it.

I drink a lot of Diet Coke, a lot of Cherry Pepsi Max.

So now every time I drink it, I'm going to think I look like a geode inside.

And do you like that idea?

And it will remind me of the Simpsons episode where they all bring in geodes for show and tell.

Yeah.

That's one of my favourite Simpsons bits.

I used to collect the geodes and rocks and stuff.

I love this.

I didn't know this.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I subscribed to a magazine.

Wow.

Where you got like a rock every month.

Sounds like someone doesn't have many vices.

If you know what I'm saying.

If you catch my hand.

I can't remember what the magazine was called, but it was advertised on TV and stuff.

And I was like, I remember it.

I want to subscribe to this.

You've got a little box.

Yeah, a box with like a geode or a rock in it.

And I used to read the magazine quite quickly, but I was so happy with my little rocks.

And I couldn't believe that they were just giving away what I assumed to be precious gemstones.

Yeah.

So I was like, I'm going to get this every month and I'm going to be rich.

Like, I'm going to be, I remember saying to my mum, I was like, when should we sell these?

Because we're going to be rich.

They have given me gems.

Pop those with the NatWest pigs, that should mention, mum.

I used to get Bugs magazine.

Oh, I remember Bugs Magazine.

Yeah, and you would get sort of a piece of plastic glow-in-the-dark

thing, and you would build a scorpion, which you would slot together, and a spider, and they were really quite magnificent.

Over time.

And yeah, over time, so you, that's the whole thing: is magazine one, they lure you in with something amazing.

So you're like, well, I want that.

And then you're all sudden, and they're like, oh, so you get the first thing.

You're like, this is exciting.

And then obviously you have to spend about 80 quid getting the quiet crap thing that it builds or goes together.

But your one is good.

Because I remember being into gems when I was that age and stones as well.

And of course, thinking everything was precious, except Fool's Gold.

I was like, you're not having me, mate.

But yeah, I remember really wanting that magazine.

But we were a bug's house instead of.

You were a bug's house.

Well, we were a rock's house.

And then I realized they weren't precious.

And then I started collecting salt and pepper pots instead.

The most precious items in the world.

It sort of reminds me, now I'm picturing you as, do you remember there were a child who is an antiques expert?

Yeah.

Her name's Lauren, yeah.

Yeah, and just that sort of really eccentric sort of set of interests of being like rocks and salt and pepper pots is absolutely adorable.

Yeah, I had Lauren Harry's vibes, sure.

I wasn't the smarts.

I didn't dress as smarts when I was that one.

It's quite refreshing for me to be sitting in a room and have someone else be told they're the one with Lauren Harry's vibes because for too long now I've been compared to Laura and Harry's when she was a child.

Yeah, but it's too late now.

Now you're that train guy.

With train guy?

Oh, I bet I know who's.

Isn't he like the train guy?

The train guy, yeah.

Francis.

Oh, I don't know.

He's lovely.

He's really great.

He's a really enthusiastic train spotter.

He goes viral on TikTok all of the time.

Okay.

He's, I showed Benito a video of him earlier.

Isn't he like James?

Really handsome.

Really handsome.

Really?

Really handsome.

And he has a camera that sort of points to his own face and he stands on

bridges and he's got one of his mates's train drive and he'll sort of do the horn or whatever it's called.

I'm just going to get you a picture of him with the cameras.

Thank you very much.

I mean, I can't believe that we were.

I've just like hit gold with the fact that Ed used to collect gemstones and geodes from a magazine and now it's still going back to me the car because the train spotter.

So I found a good picture of him.

I'm going to show you this.

Really great.

People love him.

Okay.

This isn't an insult, but you've got similar vibes.

There's

fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a, it's a so it's you know what it is.

It's a lovely smile, symmetrical face and a good jumper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, here's a picture of him with the I mean, when the camera's strapped to his head, it's oh, that's insane.

Yeah, it loses on perspective.

I mean, he seems to be finding it funny, to be fair.

He sees it funny, he knows, well, that's that's that's a laugh.

I remember what I was going to say, it's not good.

Here we go.

When you were talking about

looks ashamed, so sad.

When you were talking about having Diet Coke and it now tastes like Coke, you've forgotten what it tastes like, right?

Yes.

Well, now I've thought of something else.

I think that's, I don't, I'm plant-based.

I think it's the same with cheese.

I think vegan cheese is good because I've forgotten what cheese tastes like.

Anyway, that's an aside.

Oh, that is interesting.

When I have Red Bull, I can taste vodka in it because of how hard I smashed that in my 20s in New York.

Totally understand that.

Every Red Bull, I'm like, there's vodka in this.

Tastes are just completely linked now.

They're completely tied into each other.

Yeah, my body's like, we know what this is.

Yeah, right.

You're about to have terrible sex.

Poplobs or bread.

Pop lobs lobs on bread.

Kiri Pritchard McLean.

Pop logs or bread.

What was it like, by the way?

You are the first person who has had poplars or bread shouted at them over Zoom and in person.

Yeah.

Which one did you prefer?

I think I preferred it in person.

Thank you.

Because over Zoom, I can sense the spit, but in person, I can see it.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got to see the spit.

Really flew.

Really flew today.

Dude, you really went for it.

We'll try to scare Kiri.

I wanted Kiri to be scared, but, you know, Kiri does a podcast about serial killers.

Very hard to scare her during the food pod.

Can't spook spook her during the food pod.

No, I imagine when you're doing the serial killer podcast, you and Fairburn are absolutely terrified, aren't you?

Both of you.

Whoa, is that a murderer?

I'm very jumpy.

I scream all the time.

If my partner I need him to get to wear like a bell round his neck, because if he comes into the room and I'm not expecting it, even though I know he's there, I'll scream in his face.

I'm really, really jumpy.

Yeah, really quite worried.

And sometimes I'll freak myself out.

This is a story.

I apologise I've told on my podcast, but when I lived i in Manchester, I got convinced convinced there was a murderer upstairs and I was too scared to go upstairs and I needed a wee where the bathroom was so I weed in a saucepan in my kitchen and slept on the sofa

and is it right that you never wash that saucepan as well you just let it build up

each time

let's just say the birds ran you away and not happy

it's like vodka red ball yeah yeah there's vodka in this i swear my wife can really scare herself as well Sometimes we'll be lying in just, I'll be going to sleep, we'll just be in the dark in bed, and she'll suddenly go, oh, hello, Ed.

Yeah, what?

She'd be like, oh, sorry, I thought about it not being you.

So she's imagined in her head that it's not me and that someone else is in the bed and then she'll scare herself.

Now I've got that one.

Yeah, there you go.

I'm just getting used to hearing Ed say, my wife.

I love it.

I think it's so lovely.

I've got every opportunity.

And I've not got into that awful habit of doing it in a borat voice yet.

I'm going to resist that for as long as possible.

That's impressive.

Yeah.

Or having an eye roll built into it as well.

Well, I kind of do want to start doing that, start going, my bloody wife, you know, only with really positive stuff to say.

My bloody wife's so supportive.

She's not, though.

What makes you say that, James?

Doesn't support me.

Doesn't support you?

No.

No.

It's not, I don't think it's blanket support.

No.

I don't think she's like, thumbs up, ISIS.

You don't get the tag supportive if you're not supporting everyone.

Oh, just support one person.

That's not a personality trait.

Yeah, but that's like football supporters that support one team, don't they?

They don't support the notion of football.

Yeah, okay.

Got me there.

Pop a dumbs or bread, though.

Okay.

I think this might be the easiest one.

Yeah, it's bread.

Yeah.

Bread every time.

I'm pretty sure you said bread last time.

Yeah, I think I said bread last time.

I really like poppadoms, but as very tedious to say again, as someone who's plant-based, the dippage isn't very good.

It's chopped up raw onion, no thanks, with mango chutney.

I'm alright.

Cheers.

Yeah.

Too much like jam that they're trying to pass off as a savoury.

I mean, you just described heaven.

Really?

I wish.

I wish

in all cuisines they were passing off jam as savoury stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Just giving me a pot of jam.

I don't know.

I just think jam is sort of for me in the bracket of like war food with like spam and stuff like that.

You know, like corned beef.

Right, lamb.

Ham.

No.

No.

Yeah, my acrostic poem about war.

Anything from the war.

Corned beef, like powdered egg kind of stuff.

Or powdered mustard.

You know, like when you get it in a little thing.

And for me, jam's in there.

It just feels like quite a boomer food.

WI sort of stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's, you could just, I've never seen anyone finish a pot of jam.

Good point.

It's

finishing a pot of jam.

It's just there, isn't it?

Maybe at a hotel when they give you a tiny one, you're like, oh, this I could do, a little holiday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they annoy you, the little

pots, because you can't quite get them with it.

They should give you a knife that is to scale with the pot.

Interesting.

Put your whole tongue in.

Because you're putting the big knife in there, and you can't really get all the corners.

It's too big for that.

So they should give you a little rubber hand to attach to their knife as well.

And you just do the whole thing real little, like a Wallace and Grommet cartoon.

Yeah.

But this is reminding me of those videos of, you know, when people

bake a tiny cake for a hamster.

Yes.

Yes.

It boils my piss.

It's the most irritating thing in the world.

It's easy to boil your piss.

Straight to the top.

It's ready to be boiled.

Yeah, I find that stuff so irritating.

I just want to fucking slap the person who's doing it.

Why do you find it irritating?

Because I'm just like, oh, fuck off now.

Like, it's just, it's so deeply pointless and irritating.

Like, just pissing about with that much care on something.

That's so small.

That's so small.

Yeah, fair enough if you're painting tiny dolls' furniture because I secretly want a doll's house.

Fine.

But if you're making a cake for a hamster, the hamster won't eat it.

Just I just is really irritating because it clearly takes ages as well.

Yeah.

I find it really winds me up.

I think that's fair enough because the whole thing is just like it might be a nice little video, but when you take into account how long that's taken, how much effort's going into it, and the fact that hamster,

for all it knows, hamster doesn't know what's going on.

Stupid, isn't it?

Yeah, very.

I like it.

Really?

Why do you like it so much?

Imagine having a thing that small.

What?

Just having a small thing is cool.

I've seen a burrito one where they make a little burrito for a house.

I saw that.

Actually, it looks funny when it's eating it, that one.

Yeah.

Picks it up.

Because that's kind of...

They've got a sense of humour there because they know it's going to pick it up with both hands.

Yeah.

And eat it like a...

That's quite funny.

The cake, it's not like it's going to

be double-handed.

It's just shoving its stupid face in there.

But like the burrito, it's like eating it like you would eat a burrito, you know?

Yeah, Okay, right.

Like you specifically,

you saw me eating outside on the pavement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All I seem to do in London as well, because I'm always too scared to eat in places, is I just find myself resting on a bin and eating over it.

I'd say at least once a day when I'm here.

It's such a common sight for me to be just hunched over.

You know, like when buzzards put their wings around their food, like hunched over my food, eating over a bin so I can throw it away and then to keep walking.

It's really disgusting.

I think if I'm like two more tele appearances away from not being able to do that,

yeah, you're edging closer to a heat magazine spotted.

I think I've bought the last phone that I'll buy from CEX before I can't do it.

Do you know what I mean?

They'd be like, Yeah, I'm sure it's so-and-so from so-and-so.

It's in the CEX buying a phone.

If you could store food in your cheeks like a hamster, would you do it?

I think I can.

I feel quite confident that I can do that.

Yeah, they've got pockets in in there though?

I think they've got pockets.

Yeah, special ones.

But my weight fluctuates, so I feel like there's quite a lot of give in my face.

Or, you know, like when you used to get the Guinness Book of Records at Christmas, I hope that's a universal observation.

Yes, yes, yes.

And you know, those people who used to put pegs.

I always wanted the stretchy skin.

It turned out that they had a skin defect.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's why they could not do it.

And I was like, why?

Why am I not able to do this?

And my mum's like, it's a good thing.

What kind of bread are we talking?

Okay, so I love a bread with a a bit going on in it.

Yeah.

Don't like just plain bread.

Although every now and then, really cheap white sliced bread with really salty crap butter on it, or like marge on it, is like delicious.

So I like a brown sort of like bread with walnuts in is really nice.

I just love, oh my god.

You know, when you get the bread basket and you finally feel comfortable enough to ask them to fill it up again, that has been that sort of a life-changing experience for me that I don't feel ashamed now.

Get refills on on the bread basket.

I don't think we've had a guest who does refills on the bread basket before.

I was in a place last night and we got a refill on the bread basket.

It's all about you, Ed.

The guests.

I love it, but I'm just making Kiri more comfortable.

That is not trying to make Kiri feel self-conscious about it.

Yeah, we did ask, and they were like, oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

The thing is, they like you forget, you can just ask.

And they can't really say no.

Yeah.

I love a white bread with olives in.

I think the salty pop of an olive is so delicious in bread.

And when I went to you, both of them Kilkenny Festival.

I've never done that.

Really?

It's worth going.

Do you love the bread?

Genuinely.

There's a, I think it's called Truffles.

There's an Italian restaurant there that does brilliant vegan stuff.

They made me a vegan eaten mess.

Oh, wow.

And they like, he was like, oh, we can make this and just like knocked it up.

So yeah, my partner and I, we got, you could take away Guinness bread

and like this olive teppani, what's it called?

Tepanard.

Yeah, tapanard.

So we had this massive meal and then just went straight straight back to our hotel and then in bed, just with no clothes on, just ate a Guinness loaf.

And he's so lovely, the owner, and was really enthusiastic.

And because we were both plant-based, was like, how was this?

Was this okay?

Would you change it?

It was just really sweet.

And yeah, and so we were like, can we please buy some of this to eat?

And then we're meant to say it for the next day, but just even though we're full, just smashed through it.

It was so good.

So I love salty tastes and that sort of like, I guess, I don't know, what is Guinness?

Well, that stouty, spouty, sort of almost earthy, love, yeah, really deep, rich.

I love that.

Love that.

And then it's about the butters and stuff.

So, like, I really like salt to the point where it's definitely a problem.

But, oh, this is something I mentioned on the last podcast.

I was going to say.

Yeah.

Because this is mad because, like, this is something where you not only mentioned it, you then sent some of the product to us.

We got...

Oh, yeah.

We got some free stuff off you.

And it's never even been out on the pod before.

Yeah, so

where we live, my partner and I on Anglesey slash Ennismore on the island at the top of Wales, is an amazing place.

And it's the Mennonite Straits, it's a stretch of water between the mainland and the island, and it's like incredibly clean water because the mussel beds they naturally filter everything out.

Some kids I went to school with, their parents had a sea zoo,

which was wild.

It's such a cool story.

So their parents met in uni and to make money would sell fish in the students' union, like just sell it, which is wild.

Apologies if any of them are listening and and I've got it wrong.

Then they, when they left uni, they set up a fishmonger's and they used to have tanks in there with some of the stuff in, and everything was from the straits.

And people used to ask them questions.

And it got to the point where people were coming and to ask questions about that.

So they set up a Si-Zoo.

So they have like license for the water in the Straits.

And at some point, they were like, oh, there's really good salt here.

So they started making salt.

And now it's Hallen Moon, which is like amazing.

And Barack Obama's had it in the White House and stuff like that.

But the salt is so delicious.

It's really, it's really good.

It's so good, isn't it?

The garlic one,

I have it in everything, even save and sweet stuff.

I'm like, put some garlic in the brownies.

It's so good.

It's so delicious.

So, yeah, I would definitely really salty butter.

Like, I just love it.

And flavoured salt as well.

Because I think I would just have olive oil and salt on bread.

Is that a bit weird?

That's great.

It's great.

If it's good olive oil and good salt and good bread, you don't need anything else, really.

I think so.

Didn't they make that ketchup as well that you saw?

Oh, my days.

The black garlic ketchup.

I've got, you get a pin badge with black garlic ketchup on it, like a little other bottle.

I've got it for my family for Christmas.

It's so good.

It's like garlic ketchup.

Oh, man.

I put it in the, you know, little

basket of food, you know, little food basket for everyone.

A whole bunch of different things, some custom press, you know, things like that.

All your favourites.

Yeah.

Put the black garlic ketchup in there.

Petty piece myself.

It's really good.

There's, yeah, and oh god, that's so good.

With, um, there's a really good fake bacon now.

Have you had this fake bacon?

Yes, yeah, it's really good.

It's really good.

It's really nice, yeah.

Oh, that on a, on a, with with some,

oh my god, I'm just getting so excited.

Um, with like nice thick bread is so lovely, but yeah, I tried there.

They've got, I think it's like a salted smoked caramel like spread.

Oh, wow.

And that's a, I can't have it because it's got like butter and stuff in it, but it's meant to be absolutely amazing.

I'll get, I'll send you some.

This is the thing.

After this, Bonito, make sure we get rid of this one as well and we keep on getting carry on and getting more free shit.

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We come on to the starter.

Do you remember what it was?

I don't think I remember.

I've just got no idea.

Trying to get banksy.

I think it was something.

I think we got into your home cooking and family cooking later on in the podcast.

So I think this is from a restaurant, the starter, but maybe I'm wrong.

Interesting.

I've got two ideas for it.

They are mains, but it's a starter size.

Perfect.

Size.

So my two options, you can help me narrow it down.

So my partner cooks Brussels sprouts with sam.

So, this is so rank.

It's quite.

Now, this was on the podcast last time.

Samphire.

Yes.

I'm pretty sure I was excited that someone was finally mentioned samphire.

Yeah.

Yes.

Which I've recently learned how to forage.

Yes.

Yes.

Right.

So.

Let's not just keep saying yes every time Kiri says pointing.

Remember, we're all hearing it for the first time.

Is that the starter?

This is fun for me.

I'm going to keep saying yes.

It's my catchphrase for this episode.

Can you tell us about how you forage it?

I could tell you loads about this starter.

So,

I'm going to just lay out what the starter is because it's actually quite involved.

So, what you need to do is go to my local Chinese and you need to order salt and pepper tofu, which is really good from there.

It's the only Chinese in the countryside, so it doesn't have to be good.

I thought you were about to say it was the only Chinese in the country there.

I was like,

I've got news for you.

I've no idea.

It's going to blow your mind.

I don't know Wales that well, to be fair.

So, maybe it is.

It has like no rights being good, but it's excellent, especially for vegan stuff.

So, you get the salt and pepper tofu from there, then you eat all the tofu, you don't let your partner do what he wants to do and eat all the chilies and stuff that's left behind, all that gooey stuff.

Love that gooey stuff.

It's so good.

Keep that gooey stuff, right?

In the Nescape HR.

I was going to say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Disgusting, yeah.

I've got Svarica's face and it's eating habits.

So, yeah, you cook, you cook Brussels sprouts.

If you cut them in half, you boil them really a little bit and then you like toast them.

And then put these salt and pepper stuff in them.

So you fry them off in that.

So they, they, there's, if you look at Brussels sprouts, there's texture and not taste, they're perfect.

There's like building blocks for it.

So fry them and in with the salt and pepper stuff.

Then add like vegan cream cheese and then samphire.

And it is such a sort of like salty, snappy, crunchy, but creamy dish.

It is so good.

And yeah, my partner always makes a mountain of it.

And I end up eating it all.

It's, oh God, it's so good.

And yeah, samphire is known as sea asparagus.

But they, they look, I don't know how to describe how it looks.

It looks like a succulent you'd find like a hipster cafe on a table.

And it grows anywhere that they're sort of, well, seawater and sandy, like, yeah, flats, basically.

And you can go and forage it, and it's all perfectly legal, guys.

And which immediately makes it sound like it is.

No one was thinking it was illegal.

Sounds like the kind of of advice I'd have.

I might just forage samples.

I'm a bit worried about James.

He started foraging samphire.

Don't tell the cops.

And I don't know if you've ever foraged.

You do strike me as people who might have done it as a result of this podcast.

I haven't.

Would like to.

Yeah, I'd love to do a bit of foraging.

Oh my gosh.

Yes.

Samphire, Brussels sprouts, cream cheese, and salt and pepper.

All those like leftovery bits in together.

A bowl of that for my starter.

That sounds good.

That's amazing.

That sounds delicious.

Now, there was another option, but I'm very happy with that.

Yeah, that's fine then.

Now, do you want, here's the option.

Do you want me to do this as we go along?

I can tell you what you chose last time, or

do you want to know all of it at the end?

See, I know what my pudding was.

So, let me just get through the main, and then I want to know because I don't want it to influence my decision.

Okay, on my main, yeah, fine.

I'll keep it secret.

Your main course.

I hope this is allowed.

But, like, I absolutely buzz off loads of picky bits.

Picky bits?

Yeah, so I'd love a main of loads of picky bits.

And then, could I tell you about what the picky bits are?

Yes.

Look, you're not the first person to do picky bits.

Yeah.

As a main course.

No, I'm telling you that because there's a precedent for it.

So we're not going to

deny the picky bits.

You're not going to get in trouble.

But then I want my side to be what should be the main dish, really.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So you want a series of sides for your main course, and then your side dish is going to be a main course.

Yeah,

it's like, but yeah.

And then they'll go, do you want to make it a side dish portion?

I'll be like, no, it's fine.

I'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

Yeah.

And then you get two mains.

We'll all share and then

the waiter will go, who's we?

And you go, they're coming up.

Me standing over this bin.

In the middle of the table, do you want there to be a sort of bin in the middle so you can.

No,

I think I'll be all right.

Do you know, have you ever been to Ben Brazil in Manchester?

No.

Oh, so it's really good.

It's one of those like Brazilian ones where they, you know, they slide your sausage off a big steak,

you know, like a

thing.

And then they cut the steaks off.

A chirascaria.

Is that what it's called?

So, yeah.

Wow.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Yeah.

Stuffy nose.

Stuffy nose.

Is it one of the ones where you have like a little disc that's red or green?

Girl, I absolutely love that.

The first time I went to one of those, I didn't, we didn't realize that was the thing.

I went to one with my dad and my stepmum, my brother and sister.

And they kept coming over to my sister and giving her the meat.

And we were in Brazil, and we just decided that we were like, All the Brazilian guys really fancy my sister because all the waiters are coming over and only giving her the meat.

And then we realized it was a traffic light system where you had to flip the thing to green to get served in that.

And we were all on red, and my sister was on green.

We got going back, and we'd put it, we'd put it down to some sort of horrible, like weird xenophobic thing.

We were like, All the foreign men

onto my sister.

No, she just had the green, the green drinks mat up.

I love those.

I love love the simplicity of the little card that you flip round.

I think it's a nice bit of novelty.

I will say the Ben Brazil ones in Manchester, the buffet in the middle, absolutely banging and doesn't need to be.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

I remember going there with why I'm talking about the bin thing.

I'm so sorry.

Is I remember going there with our, it was quite dear when we were students.

It's like 30 quid ahead, which is a lot of money as students.

But we'd be like, right, we'll go to Ben Brazil for like occasions.

And I remember we went for something that was quite special.

And so there's like six of us there.

And then there was a, there's like a thing at the end of the table.

Someone was like, What's that for?

And I was like, It's to put your bones in really confidently.

It was a champagne bucket, I'd just never seen one before.

So, it's just like me being like a scumbag, but never wanting to show a face that I don't understand what things are.

So, we like animal, like Henry VIII, were just throwing our bones into this champagne bucket.

And then eventually, one of the people who went to the restaurant, Frank Trump, kindly came along and took it away.

And it's only when I saw other people with like bottles of wine and champagne that I was like, Oh no, this is so embarrassing.

Imagine her taking it.

Oh, God, put loads of burns in.

We've got someone from Wales in again.

We've asked for a Nest Cafe job.

I guess we'll put this up for the birds.

Okay, no, no Ben.

Although I do love a lazy Susan in the middle of a table.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My favourite Chinese restaurant in Manchester, R.I.P., used to do dim sum till three.

Well, that was a very good thing.

But you took me?

Yes, it would have been, yeah.

Yeah, I remember.

You mean it shut down?

It wasn't called R.I.P.

No, no, it's shut down.

Yeah.

I mean, that's the.

Yeah, it's.

I find with Chinese restaurants as well, ones that you can sit in, the worse the toilets, the better the food.

So if the tiles are all sort of cracked and the toilet's leaking, I know they're going to do some really good stuff.

That's why you're eating your meal anyway, isn't it?

Hovering over the toilet, ready to immediately expel it all.

Don't put any extra effort into this.

So they have lazy seasons in that one that we took you to.

I think it was there we took you.

I remember being on the way there and there's about three or four of you taking me to this place and you were all very excited about it.

And you all said to me, it's like the food inspirited away how you imagine it to taste.

And that's how it tastes.

And I think the buns inspired away.

So you're saying those buns they eat inspirated away.

So I may have even said this on the podcast before and said people took me to a restaurant once and said about the buns.

So I've even like referenced it and I remember getting the buns and they were

great.

They were like the buns in Spirit Way.

So if it was the place with the great buns.

It is.

That was where I went.

And do you know what?

The buns aren't even making the cut this time.

Wow.

Because I do like the buns, but

there's two things I would like to shake off the shackles of my non-eating meat

situation and have on this meal in this restaurant.

So one is normal steamed rife with cabbage leaves on top, but they do it with three roasted meats on top.

So you get your belly pork.

I fucking miss belly pork every day.

No, there's no vegan equivalent amount it.

There is no, and we've tried, like Jack Monroe, who's amazing,

their cookery book had

a vegan, what's called belly pork recipe in it, and it was delicious.

It just didn't taste like belly pork.

So, don't say it's going to taste like it.

And even in the introduction, was like, my friends couldn't tell the difference.

And I was like, okay, well, your friends are idiots.

Oh, my gosh, I love belly pork so much.

And it's a really cheap cut of meat as well.

So I remember when I lived, this is like an ex-boyfriend of mine.

I was cooking for him.

And

I would make belly pork and you do like a crumb for it with like breadcrumbs,

mustard, and rosemary.

And then it sort of like bakes on its really lovely pork, but it was obviously a really cheap cut of meat.

So I was like, I'll make these.

One of its belly pork had a nipple on it.

So I just cut off the nipple.

You've got to cut the nipple.

Threw it away and just still gave it to him.

Yeah.

I think you've either got to cut it off and pretend it didn't happen or make a feature of it, maybe pierce it.

Yeah.

Pierce it.

Yeah.

Put Put a little ring for it.

It also had a tattoo.

Is that

yeah, so it had has belly pork, char su, is that am I saying that correctly?

The one that's red around this

red one.

And roast duck.

And they're just so

all of them are really juicy, off the bone because I don't like messing around with bones.

So yes.

It's just called like meat roasted three ways or something like that, or three roast meat or something like that.

That would be on there definitely because it's so delicious and succulent.

And I do miss that.

I miss belly pork.

I was going to say more than I miss my grandparents, but that's not fair.

You went about that in the worst way possible.

You had the thought, which was awful.

You didn't say it.

You didn't go all in with the joke, but you said it out loud anyway.

You're like,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just go, yeah.

I'm not going to go through with it as a joke, but it was how I genuinely felt.

It was the first thing that came into my heart when I thought of how much I missed belly pork.

No, No, do you know what it is?

Is actually, I've not had belly pork for four years.

They have been dead for ages.

So, if anything, they've stayed loyal to me for longer.

That's what it is.

Belly pork has actually been more consistent than my grandparents.

So, yeah, that would be on there.

They also used to do this Chinese, it was rice paper with king prawn inside.

And we used to call them prawn dicks because they were like the width of a dick.

So, they were like really meaty.

Not like the kind of dick you would talk about good or bad either.

But also

you'd be like, oh, all right.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

You look at it, oh, it's dick size.

Yeah, yeah.

These ones are like, it's, it's, it's rice stuff, but it's deep-fried, so it's got that lovely crisp, like, crunch.

Now, they're rarely the width of a dick.

Exactly, which I'm like, where are they getting these kind of stuff?

See why

you have said it.

Oh, yeah, it's noteworthy.

I wouldn't bring up the dick thing if it wasn't for that.

I'm still thinking about the way you describe the size of the dick being not one you would talk about good or bad.

Yeah, not, you know, not either one.

That's so perfect.

Such a good way to describe a dick.

And

I've heard Kiri talk about dicks.

That's a lot.

I know exactly what she means.

I know the kind of dicks that Kiri talks about, good and bad.

I've heard them.

No one else ever brings the subject up.

It's for me, it's...

Someone's got a story.

It's a unit of measurement.

Like with pizzas, I can only work out how big they're going to be from that.

Because I don't use inches in.

Or for inches other than yeah other than big okay yeah

20 inch

when did i say 20 inch

so i've got the rice with the meats i've got the rice paper the the prawn dicks is what we used to call them prawn dicks and then i'd also like some of those linda mccartney have you seen her like fake chicken pugget bucket thing she does it's like a fake kfc thing no it's so delicious to whack down with some garlic mayo now at this point yeah yeah you've entered the world where you're going to, in this dream world, you're going to have these meats and the prawns.

Yeah.

Why are you then introducing fake chicken?

Is it so good that it's better than the chicken equivalent?

Yes, but what it's mimicking doesn't taste of chicken.

Right.

So it's, no one has to die for it, and it still tastes like shit chicken.

Right, okay, yeah.

So that's what vegan stuff does very well, I think.

I think so.

Mimics shit versions.

Yeah.

I've got to have to add something to my mane now.

You've said that.

Oh, right, actually.

I was trying to find one on the way here.

I am, I don't know if this is an act of bravery to say, but clinically addicted to the plant-based chicken royale from Burger King.

Okay.

Benito's nodded his head.

He did the chef's kiss.

It's so good, isn't it?

It's so brilliant because it's so shit in the back.

Like, the bread still tastes of sugar.

Like, the mayo is like really salty.

The lettuce is like cold

and like crunchy, but not clearly not fresh.

And then like the chicken thing is like that spongy, rubbish chicken.

Yeah, but it's all like it's meant to be like that.

It's designed like that.

Oh my god, it's so good.

It's so good.

If you haven't tried that, you're adding that.

Do you know what I mean?

You know what?

I'm not, I'm gonna, I'm gonna push the royal out.

I need to give it a shout out, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Good to help a struggling business.

You know what?

I love an underdog.

Okay, so.

I'm gonna put that on the website, Benita.

I'm gonna have prawn dicks, the rice with three

meats on it, and a Linda McCartney sort of, yeah, whatever her like rip-off of a KFC bucket is, yeah, that's your main, yeah.

And I love condiments, yeah.

Well, I love different flavours of mayo, it's actually much clearer to what my heart's telling me.

Okay, so lots of different flavoured mayos to dip stuff in.

Um, well, a roast garlic mayo is really good.

Simon Mayo, by the way, as the worst drink.

What did you say?

She said Simon Mayo.

I liked it.

Yeah, good joke.

Imagine, you know, imagine a lot of money.

You have loads of different types of mayo, please.

Then Simon Mayo turns out.

And one of them is Simon Mayo.

Mayo of the county?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's all the mayos I can think of on out now.

Let's hear your different types of mayo.

So the sriracha mayo you can get from Liddle.

Yes.

Yeah.

With a goose, lucky goose or something like that.

Lucky goose.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

Although recently I think they've changed the ingredients.

It's got hotter.

Really?

Yeah, I've noticed it because I'm a an absolute pussy with hot stuff.

And I, yeah, I'm sure that the ingredients have changed because I used to be able to just, you know, smash back a bottle in no time.

But now I'm like, I can't, it's too much.

I have to sort of have normal mayo.

Yeah, probably.

Normally in between, sort of like an amuse bouche of Hellman's mayonnaise.

You know what?

I'm glad they sat out the game for so long and it came back in and we're like, we've done it.

We've made the perfect vegan mayo because Hellman's vegan mayonnaise is absolutely

outstanding.

They've smashed it.

I don't think you could.

I'd be interested to see what you think of someone who can remember the taste of stuff like that.

I bet I don't think.

I bet I don't think.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I bet I don't think.

The last thing you said before I had his money.

You're playing with fire, mate.

You're playing with fire.

What are we talking about?

The first thing you did on this podcast was go,

expect you for some time.

That was great.

Everyone said it was great.

But you just said, I bet I don't think.

And that is going to be...

No, but I don't think.

That's going to be a no-context off menu.

I bet I don't think I could tell.

No context off menu.

You're going to tweet that.

Sriracha Mayo is vegan anyway, isn't it?

Wants to move on from it, doesn't it?

Well, that one is.

I think the official Sriracha Mayo is vegan anyway.

Really?

Interesting.

I bet it is.

I bet I don't think it is.

I bet I don't think it is.

Have you ever made your own mayo?

No.

Of course not.

Well, because we've got rescue chickens now.

So we have to do it.

Who do they rescue?

All the English people who go up are snowdening flip-flops.

Set the chickens up.

Yeah, they're freezing up there.

So we'll come and help you.

And then suddenly, we've got a little bit of wine.

They're climbing up on lopes.

i can't do a chicken in person

they've got a little bottle of sriracha mayo around the neck drug this drug this drug it have a little supreme warm you up nice sorry kid it's fine you've got rescue chickens yeah you made your own mayo and i well no i want to it's always like more yellow when people make it and it looks so delicious but then when it comes down to it can't be asked can't be asked no way i'm ever doing it yeah

um sriracha Mayo, garlic mayo.

There's a company that does, I can't remember what they, it's on the front of the jars, but they do like a vegan hollandaise, and it is absolutely excellent.

And they do a really good roasted garlic one as well.

The black garlic ketchup of

yesteryear fame, of Hallen Morn.

Say, I don't like tomato as a flavour.

I really think it can get to fuck.

I can't stop it.

Across the board.

I'll tolerate it on a pizza.

Yeah.

But outside of that, no.

You sort of have to tolerate it on a pizza.

If you want a pizza, you want it to turf.

Yeah.

You're turf there.

Yeah, agreed.

You can't get angry at it.

I also think that mayo is like mayo with rice, brilliant.

Like everything there would be great with mayo.

You've not mentioned my favourite.

I was quite excited when you said most different mayos, and then my favourite one didn't come up.

Oh my god, no, I've got it, I've got it.

Okay, my favourite mayo.

I've got a mayo story to tell you.

This is so, so, okay, so what a pickle is a company.

Well, you were there doing, like, the title of the story there.

I've got a story to tell you.

What a pickle.

Are we quite charged?

It will actually,

it will work with the title.

Right, great.

So, picture the scene.

What a pickle.

Your partner and I, we transport, like, anything vegan will buy, anything small business will buy.

So, we just take a punt on tarragon mayo from what a pickle.

What a pickle.

And we get it home.

This doesn't sound like a pickle sofa, by the way.

We finish the jar in a day.

What a pickle.

So then we go back to get it,

there's no more tarragon mayo.

What?

They were like, no one is buying it.

So it all went like, that was it.

That you had the last jar.

So we're like, oh God, how are we going to track this down?

So then there's a lockdown, and all we're thinking of is this Tarragon Mayo.

So then we go back to.

I've said this slightly wrong.

Okay.

So we go to...

Okay, right.

So we go to a shopping centre near us.

I love there's a lockdown and all you're thinking about is Tarragon Mayo.

I promise you.

Okay,

about the NHS or anything?

Also, my favourite stories are ones that I flag up at the beginning, go, right, I've got a story, and then go wrong and have to be started again.

My favourite type of stories.

I'm loving it.

Oh, no, I've remembered this one.

Hold on, go back to the beginning.

Okay, no, okay.

Watch the picture.

Here we go.

Okay, here we go.

It's because I got distracted on the way, and I actually thought, I know the good bit of the story.

This is just preamble.

Right, so Vrong Gorg is a lovely garden centre in North Wales.

My parent and I love to go there, and they've got a little shop in the corner.

So we go there, there's a Tarragon Mayo.

Let's try some of this.

Take it home, finish it like immediately.

Like I say, day, two days.

It's so, so good.

We're like, we've got to go back there.

By the time I'm not working, there's another lockdown.

So we're like, oh, God.

So then they lift the lockdown.

We go back, we make a B line for it, and it's not there anymore.

And we're sort of mooching around, being like, oh, it's not there.

It's not there.

And the woman in the shop is like, what, what are you looking for?

I said, oh, you had this tarragon mayo before.

It was really good.

And she went, oh, God, yeah.

She said, we had loads of jars of it left.

No one was buying it.

And then the lockdown happened.

And it went, she was like, it was about to go off.

So we threw a load of it away and we gave some to the staff.

And I was like, really?

And then we joked and went, where are the bins?

And then she said, always, I took some home for my daughter because she's a vegan.

And she was like, I don't think she's even opened it.

And we're like, all right, okay.

And then she was like, Where do you live?

And I said, oh, I live on the island.

And she went, I live on the island.

And she said, whereabouts?

And I was like, well, you tell me where first.

And then she's like, no, you tell me.

So I told her the tiny village that I live in.

And she went, my auntie lives there.

I'm going past.

And she was like, tell you what, if she's not opened the jar, and she said, if it hasn't got a little green fur jacket on it, is the phrase that she used.

She said, I'll leave it for you, like, by the house.

And I was like, oh, okay.

So just like, didn't think anything of it.

Anyway, like a week later.

at the end of like where we live is a little plastic bag with a little post-it note on it going i brought you the tarragon mayo i hope you enjoy it from this woman and she'd given us her tarragon mayo i don't think that story should be called what a pickle that story should simply be called whales

i live live in Wales.

I know.

I just remembered something from earlier on, we were talking about never finishing a pot of jam or trying to get the bottom, never being able to clean the jar, right?

My friend, or

my wife's friend, but now our friend.

This is actually Ed.

It's great fun.

She's great fun.

But she found a gadget she really likes, so she sent it to all her friends, right?

Which I love.

It's called the Sapoon.

It's a plastic spoon that's weirdly shaped that is designed specifically for getting everything out of a jar.

Oh, I love it.

And I was really, I was really, really cynical about this.

And it arrived and I was like, I'm not using this sappoon.

It's such a weird thing to send someone.

Then I had a jar of peanut butter.

I was like, all right, I'll use the sappoon.

Quietly, I didn't tell Charlie because I don't want to be seen to be enthusiastic about something I was previously cynical about.

And I was like, one stroke like that.

I was like, this is the best thing I've ever been sent.

And I got all the peanut butter out.

It was clean, like clean, completely clean.

And I marched into the party sitting room and I went, Look at this.

Washed it, have I?

No, you're not washing it.

You use the sapoon.

No, I used the sapoon.

Thank you very much.

It's like completely clean.

So satisfying.

That's going to get one of those.

One of the examples of his wife being supported there in that story.

Really, really could have told him to get fucked.

Yes.

Well done.

And that's a day's work.

Yeah, yeah.

She's done well there.

Get dressed dead at 6pm.

I can see why she got a shout out in the speech.

Your dream side.

Okay.

You said it was a main, really.

And you have already picked a lot of small mains as your main.

Okay, well, I'll go, excuse me, you know this.

Could you do it as a side dish?

And they'll say yes.

But I'll know that they don't have the size bowl for it.

Yeah.

So I'm still going to get main.

Yeah.

Okay.

But we both know what's going on.

That is the most Alan Partridge selection of a side dish

from a 12-inch plate.

It's kotu.

I don't, I think I'm saying it right.

So, um, yeah, from Sri Lanka, which is a dish I had while I was out there on holiday, the end of 2019 with my partner.

The food is so good there.

And kotsu is one of the things that we can be sure of because there's loads of brilliant seafood.

We're on the coast as well.

But at first, we have this rule that, like, we can eat meat when we're on holiday, and that makes holidays even better.

But then you just get to in your head about eating meat anyway, and you're like,

because I got so excited to go to Berlin.

We hadn't been vegan very long, maybe about six months.

And I was like, we're going to go to Berlin and we're going to smash all this cheese and red meat.

And then it turns out Berlin is like the most vegan-friendly city in the world.

So it was impossible not to eat vegan, which is really irritating.

So that's what set the precedent.

So yeah.

So koto is cooked in like a like a wok, like a stir-fry thing.

It's quite often it's street food and it's lots of like cabbages and veg,

vegetables for the first time.

Loads of veg in there.

I think with the vegetarian ones, they whack an egg in.

I wasn't going to ask questions.

And then they cut up...

paratha and they sort of marinate it.

There's always loads of curry leaves in Sri Lankan food.

So they marinate it.

So it's really, it's got lovely spices.

And how they cook it in this one.

I don't know how they do it, but it comes out kind of chewy like meat.

So it feels like you're getting meat, but you're not.

And it's so delicious.

And one of the places we played, we stayed in Sri Lanka, it was so cheap because it wasn't really a place that people went yet.

I think maybe travelers went there, but tourists didn't.

So like a kotu was like two quid.

So obviously we had double dinners every night.

So we'd walk to one far away, we'd get kotu and like a mango daiquiri.

And then on the way home, we would get another exactly the same, somewhere different.

Yeah, and it was so, so delicious and such nice flavours, and a heat that I could manage as well.

Well, like, you know, when spiced, there's a it's it's spicy and tasty, but not hot.

And I thought that was what was really delicious about Sri Lankan food.

So I'd love a side dish of that if I may.

That sounds very nice.

But we've only got the main size bowls.

Yeah, we've only got four.

Oh, do you know what?

Just do it, yeah, however it comes.

I'll help it.

Now,

my memory's jingling.

I think Cotto came up last time.

Interesting.

I know the answer.

Or do you?

I know the answer.

I've looked at your whole menu.

I know if Cotto came up last time or not.

Are we not revealing that yet?

Whenever Kiri wants the reveal of what her menu was last time, I can give her the reveal.

Well, now I think I've forgotten.

I've only remembered one bit of my pudding, so I might get it all.

Do you want to know everything up to your side dish that you chose last time?

Okay.

You chose spark the mortar.

Yes, great.

You chose warm olive bread with vegan, salty butter.

That's as good as butter last time.

You didn't sting salmon oil.

But you moved away from that in your life.

Now you decided that that's impossible, haven't you?

You decided that's impossible.

So now you've got the oil and the salt.

Starter, Cotu.

Okay.

There we go.

So like a starter.

Stratus-sized main-sized portion.

Exactly what it says.

Exactly what it is.

Now, your main was completely different.

Your main was a wedge of safeway bread with agar heated tinned macaroni cheese.

Which is how we got on to your dad

and the pan.

Was that was because you wanted that dish that you had made at home?

Yeah, that was really good.

Yeah.

And you're now going to add that to your tapas?

No, because I feel like it's going to pull focus.

But that was really good.

Yeah, really thick.

Yeah, the bread that you cut yourself.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, and so it would always be a funny shape.

And then, yeah, macaroni cheese that you whack in an aga.

Oh, that was really delicious after school.

I do think your menu is better this time round.

I th I think it is.

It's because I love food so much I could do it next week and have a completely different.

That main course sounds disgusting.

He's absolutely no wonder I put that through the banksy shredder.

That really went in as you were saying it.

You go, and macaroni.

Just sit and listen to us say about this disgusting meal.

Your side dish that you chose last time, Brussels sprouts with vegan cream cheese, garlic, salt, and sanphi.

So you've switched

them around.

Yeah, interesting.

And do you know what I'm going to say?

I'm going to say, because Ed's saying he prefers the one that you've done today because he hates that main so much.

However, I would say that the starter and the side were a better way around the first time because I would go with you having cozy main-sized portion for your starter and your side dish, because you've got so many sides, if you had the Brussels sprouts with vegan, cream, cheese, garlic, salt, and sanphire, I would see that as more, that's a side dish.

What do you think?

I don't want you to change this.

I won't.

But just saying that's what you did, that's what you did last time.

Like, it's just bring everything all at the same time, anyway.

I love that.

Yeah, but when you just go to the corner, it comes out as it's ready.

Yeah, as it's ready.

Yeah.

Actually, I think you might have a compelling point there because the samphire as well, because it's quite creamy, you could dip stuff in that as well.

So it feels like it's more the same flavours than kotu, which feels like it's a step away from the other like picky bits I've got for my main.

I love that I'm just looking at a main size portion in brackets.

It's so embarrassing.

The only thing I'm consistent on is it will be the size of a main.

Well we'll of course be doing an episode with you every year to see how your tastes change and what you can remember.

It's like seven up.

Your dream drink, Kiri.

This will have changed because this thing will it have yeah new or maybe it's do you want to say it at the same time as each other and I'll say your old one and you can say you're you're the one you're gonna say now is I don't think when we did this I knew what this drink was.

Oh, you mean now you didn't pick a drink last time that you didn't know what it was?

I mean I mean it's new to my life.

Yes.

I think I would have said maybe a cherry beer like a creek thing.

Uh-huh.

But now I've had a Welsh one

called Stwinwen and it's a strawberry beer from Ragdimona, which is a Mona brewery on the island.

And it's really delicious and it's named after our patron saint of love.

Yes, that's the last time you said cherry bee brandy with dandelion and burdock and then in brackets it says aka dandelion and baburdock because clearly we've done a little jokey.

We've done a little fun jokey.

Cherry beef in the two.

Dandelion burdock.

And we're adding.

I now remember that we had really all enjoyed saying dandelion and baburdock.

Baburdock was a really funny thing.

Yeah.

Fun thing to say.

Those are two great drinks.

Yes, I love dandelion burdock.

That's the only only one that doesn't taste the chemicals to me.

It still tastes kind of natural.

And cherry beer is really delicious.

There's little like 70s bottles.

I'll be having a few of those over Christmas.

Yeah.

Yeah, love it.

Love it.

Love it.

Is that your vibe on Christmas days?

Yeah, I really like cherry-flavoured things in particular, but I can never find...

I'm searching for a taste of cherry that I've had once in my life and never again since.

Like dark cherry stuff is so delicious and it's so rare that

that taste is transported into whatever whatever is palming you off with cherry.

Sure.

I love those like dark chocolate sweets with a cherry inside, cherry brandy inside.

God, those are so good.

And they're actually quite hard to find that are vegan.

We had the, when we're in, when we went on this holiday to Berlin, the little next door had them.

And we were buying four cases a night and then just eating them with like Prosecco and the Liddle.

So we really were culture vultures.

Yeah.

I've got a piece of advice for you and your partner.

When you're away, don't buy anything just before bedtime.

Wait till the next day because clearly, every time you get something just before bed to save for the next day, that's not lasting the night.

But the happiest I feel and like most romantic is when I'm eating in bed with my partner.

It's so nice.

I know there's crumbs in the bed and stuff like that, but like it's just such a horrible thing to do that it's like

it's as vulnerable as shitting in someone in front of someone I think.

And so I think eating together like that is so joyous and is like a real trust thing.

Also,

you can't leave each other now.

I'm imagining that because, and I know this isn't true because I've seen the stand-up, but I'm imagining that because you two are going out, you're getting loads of food and you're just eating it in bed, that you just have zero sex life as a result of it, which is why you're like comparing all food to dicks and stuff.

Because, like,

all you're thinking of, it doesn't look like a dick.

Too busy eating in bed.

But, well, quite often the situation we have is that like you think, oh, well, we'll bang tonight, but then actually, I'd say nine times out of ten, we're too full to do it.

Yeah.

Like, but I think that's normal couple stuff, right?

It's like, oh, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're too full.

Why not eat some more?

Why not eat a more?

The idea of people in the hotel room next to you being like, oh, they were at it all night.

Ed's sex life.

Ed always

uses the

spoodle.

What was it called?

Oh, no.

It was going to be so good.

It was going to be so good, and then I forgot what it was called.

Ed uses a sappoon in the bedroom.

And he goes, look at that.

Washed it, did I?

Looks like I washed it, isn't it?

He used a sappoon.

Oh, that's so chilling.

And you know, each person who hears that joke is they each imagine a different thing.

So it's up to them how gross that joke is.

Interesting.

What were you imagining?

I was imagining it, your penis, because I think I've still got it in my head from at first.

I wasn't, I was imagining, I was imagining on your wife's genitalium.

Right, okay.

But now I was imagining it with penis, but because then I started thinking about that.

Do you remember that thing on Mum's Net where that woman was like, Do you all have a penis beaker by the bed?

Do you remember the thing?

It was like, I think it was on Mum's Net.

A woman was like, You all have a penis beaker, right?

And people were like, Go on.

And she was like, you know, a little cup of water, I think, by the bed that your partner, like, slooshes his membrane before, so it's like clean, I think.

You know, like, wow.

Yeah, yeah.

I imagine it's like, you know, the little cup you have in the dentist with the little stuff in it.

Yeah, you don't want to get that mixed up

after having sex.

Ah, that's first at work.

Oh, God.

Oh, do I got the penis baker again?

That's what James says every time he finishes.

What?

How's Firsty work?

That's first it worked.

Oh, I did it again.

Oh, God.

Oh, I did it again.

See, and that that wouldn't happen if you just use the spoon.

Yeah, if you use the spoon, you'd be fine.

My my dear friend in university, you know, when you wake up hungover and you see water and you just neck it, you know, like on your bedside table.

So she did that, but

she woke up in someone else's room and like necked it and didn't realize that it was neat vodka that they'd been distributing, other drinks and juice.

They just put it in a pint glass for whatever, decantered it into that.

So she was like about half a pint down as well.

But imagine being like hungover, dehydrated, and then you just necked half a pint of vodka.

It's nightmarish, isn't it?

Also, that would be better in the dick beaker or whatever it's called.

Yeah.

Just just vodka.

Rubbing alcohol, yeah.

So,

my love, we're gonna have such a good night.

That's thirsty work.

Is it gonna be thirsty work?

Also,

on that time,

before this guy has sex, he says, This is going to be thirsty work.

Oh, this is going to be thirsty work.

That's it.

That's that over.

This sexy dog.

That's never going to happen.

Come in here.

This is going to be thirsty work.

Bye.

Just hears the door shut.

not for me thank you but your drink now is a strawberry beer yeah well because i thought i would have said cherry beer but i didn't know this this strawberry beer existed and it's really lovely is it like a is it a sour beer i don't think so i don't really like beer but i do like the ones that are flavoury but sometimes the flavour is just you it does taste of that flavour when you burp in your mouth afterwards yeah whereas the actual beer doesn't yeah whereas this is like very strawberry kind of like almost syrupy i'll send you some it's from a really cute little brewery on the island and they're all named after different saints and this is Dwin Wen so it's a loved one so that's why it's strawberry.

It's really delicious.

Oh amazing.

We're getting more into it.

I used to be very militant about beer.

I was like no flavours, no fruity stuff.

Now I love it.

It's great.

Pod.

I'd say that yeah when we started this podcast I was all like I loved mad beers with fruity flavours in them and I think we're the other way around now.

I think now I'm just like yeah I'm pretty poised here clear with the mad flavor ones.

He's sending me photos every night of the week.

We're going to have a marshmallow, like a toasted marshmallow beer.

Have you had the bubblegum one?

No, that's it still in our fridge.

I'll find out what it is because that is very bubblegummy.

The issue with some of those, and I get a lot of beers from an Edinburgh-based brewery called Vault City, who do amazing sours, like some incredible, like proper fruity sours.

They're really nice.

But the higher the sugar in a beer, the higher the alcohol content most of the time, because the things they put in the sugar all converts to alcohol.

So, like, the marshmallow one was like 10.5%.

Wow, is it?

You can't really you can't drink that

you just can't drink it i had two sips i was like i get it but i can't drink that david a custard would yeah count on comfort

one big lick all gone

i got to make a sour beer with signature brew as well a really cool brewery in uh black horse road and it was a rhubarb crumble and custard sour called let's get eddie to crumble because i got to name it really good but the fruity beers i'm on board with yeah do you have to be careful of that with your diabetes as well yeah

they're so sugary

His whole life is being careful.

He's a careful boy.

He's really careful all the time.

I'm not careful.

Are you?

Never careful.

Ed's got to be careful all the time.

See, look, perfect example.

Oh, that was so funny.

You smashed the glass against the microphone.

I didn't even mean to.

Not careful at all.

Case in point.

How often are you having this fruity beer?

Is it a special occasion thing or are you necking a few a day?

No, I'm allergic to alcohol.

So I don't drink very often.

And if I do drink, I do it with intent.

Because you, you know, like, right, well, I've got to get cunted because

I'm going to put my body through this.

I've got to make it count.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got to be so drunk that you don't notice the allergic effects.

Yeah.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago.

And yeah, we went and bought £200 of the Prosecco from Liddle.

A barrel.

They do small barrels of...

£200 of Prosecco from Lidl.

Yeah, which is a lot because it's five or a bottle.

That is so much Prosecco from Lidl.

Yeah, it was quite a lot of people coming.

It was still loads left.

So we had, yeah, a a mini keg of this Dwyn Wen one, which is the strawberry one, and a mini keg of, I think it's the Serial, which I think there's two, there's Cubby and Serial, who are both saints.

And here's a cool thing.

So I think it's called Serial Wynn, and I think it's Cubby D.

So D is black and Wynne is white.

And it's because they used to meet in the centre of the island, these two, like now saints.

And one would walk towards the sun, the sun facing him, and then walk home with the sun facing him.

And the other one would walk in the sun shadow in and out.

So one was really pale and one was really tanned, and that's where they got their names from.

But, yes, and they've got this cool stories behind everything, and the artwork's really beautiful as well.

So, yes, every now and then, oh, wild horse.

Have you had wild horse brewery?

Okay, so it's called Nakota, and it's absolutely amazing.

And they're phasing out the barrels very sadly.

Um, but I'll get you some because I think you would absolutely buzz off that as well.

Sorry, I'm getting distracted.

So, it's a special occasion.

You've promised to send us so much stuff.

I know, but it's because I get so excited about Welsh stuff that I think you'll love.

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So we come on into your dessert.

Now, you're confident this is the same, are you?

I'm confident that some of it is the same.

Yeah, no, I think I can tell you what the original one was.

Okay.

And it's going to be part of it still.

Okay.

So I think I wanted a dessert slider type of fare where it's like, you know, you can get several desserts in a dish.

Again, just had you my bet so I can eat more.

But yeah, I've had it before.

We've had like, you know, how you get like burger slider.

There's like three of them where you get a dessert, one with that.

I once went on a one of these.

Have you ever done these things where it's like a night of eating desserts and it's like seven courses and they're different desserts?

No, but tell me the info on that.

Forget all that other shit you would have left us for free.

Manchester had a dessert supper club in a brilliant little cafe called Home Sweet Home.

And they do these like, you know, those cakes were like Barbie dolls and mad shit coming out the top of them.

Mainly giant pretzels, but but you know, like exciting things.

So they had it once, and it was like eight or nine courses of desserts.

And it's such a fun idea, but by course three, you're like, My teeth hurt so much.

I want to go home.

No, no, no, no.

Really?

Do you not get teethache?

No.

I don't know why you're so excited about this.

This is just like Tuesday night at your house.

No tasting menu.

They had a fry-up made of like cookies and stuff.

It was wild.

And the baked beans were marsy pan with like peach

koolée over them and like everything was something and yeah, so like yeah, it was it was very delicious, but it was fatigue setting.

If there's one thing I hate more than baked beans, it's mazipan.

What?

The thing you described there is the most is my nightmare.

I love mazzipipan.

I love mazipan so much.

I don't know.

It's gonna make it on my dessert.

Yeah, as it should.

It's good, mazipan.

It's great.

I buy it for my brother-in-law every birthday.

He loves marzipan.

He loves eating it raw just on its own.

Just a big packet of mazipan.

Yep.

So I get in multiple packets of mazipan every birthday.

Your brother?

Brother-in-law.

Oh, okay.

So married like for like in the Acaster family.

Yep, he's married into the family, absolutely belongs with us.

And I send him multiple packets of Mazipan for his birthday.

And once he texted me, one of my favourite things to do is

tell my children that they're not having extra dessert.

And then when they leave, I have a big slice of pan.

Have you had the things from, I think it's Little or Eldie, one of them, that's like a thin layer of dark chocolate and they're just a Marzipan lump in the middle.

Oh, that's really fit.

That sounds great.

And well, okay, so this is going to be on my so my dessert slider.

I'm going to have a slice of Stollen on there, which is that German fruitcake with a load of mazipan in the middle.

Yeah, I don't mind.

I'll put it out there.

I don't mind mazipan in that context.

Oh, interesting.

Stollen's good stuff, man.

It's really good.

And also, I think, feel like...

Slightly warmed might be the vibe for it.

You know, some puddings are nice if they're just like warm.

So yeah, Stalin.

And then there's a brownie company I absolutely love in Bristol called Dark Eat Matters, I think is the name of it.

Yes.

You mentioned this before.

Last time it was, well, we've just got written here, Dark Matters.

Okay, dark matter.

Brownie taster menu.

Yes.

So I went for all brownies last time.

Yeah.

But I'm going to mix it up.

And it is literally because of the time of year you're asking me.

Yeah.

So a little disclaimer about me is if I think about Christmas too much, I cry because I love it so much.

So if anything like Mariah Carey or Muppet's Christmas Carol comes on, my panel will have to switch it off because I'll immediately burst into tears.

Wow.

I love it.

So we're now in the sort of run-up when this has been recorded, we're in the run-up to Christmas.

You're kind of well in up a little bit now.

Yeah,

I can't think about it.

I have to just talk quite quickly through it.

For listeners, it's the 17th of November.

Yes.

But

my birthday's the 6th, and we have to get my birthday out of the way, and then we're into full-on Christmas.

Then you're on the runway.

Yeah, on the runway towards it.

Absolutely.

I think it's the purest, most, I think it's the most wonderful time of the year.

So it's massively influencing what's on here.

I love Dark Matters brownies so, so much.

She's really great.

She came along to a gig and gave me some for free, and then I was like, uh-oh, I'm clinically addicted to this.

They are so gooey and good, and they're vegan as well.

And she does the mail order, and they're just like, you know, when it's dense and chewy,

but then a bit crispy on the outside.

And she does really good flavours.

She does one with mint in, and I think chocolate and mint is a hard flavor to get right in a brownie and not taste cheap yeah she does a really good one and she does one with i think it was with raspberry as well which i think raspberry is the perfect note to put into a brownie with loads of dark chocolate it's like a really nice bite to it i'm chasing the dream of cherry yeah that's what i want is i want it with cherry brownies yeah cherry brownies

no i haven't maybe i should ask her actually look just this can be the official ask yeah on the pod people can what hashtag should they use if they're going to tweet dark matters brownies Well, I don't she's a s she's a woman running a business on her own.

I don't want to I know a lot of people listen to this.

I don't want to ruin her life.

Dox is fun.

She should be doing this cherry brownie and work your name into the name somehow.

I don't know if Kiri and che cherry

Pritchard McLean.

Chiri Pritchard McLean.

Right, yeah.

So I would have, I would ask her to create a brownie that is cherry and yeah, because just the densest and everything is perfect.

And I love the mint one.

There's a marmalade one.

The only time I'm just marmalade is hers.

Oh, wow.

And some Stalin.

And, okay, yeah, a slice of my mum's Christmas cake.

Yeah, we really are going for it.

But it's really delicious.

It's the same cake she makes for anything.

Let's say it's birthday then.

Easter, whatever.

So no Marzipan in it.

Oh, there is.

Well, in my house, we have some icing lovers and some Marzipan lovers.

And so mum makes

it each gang.

So me and one of my brothers and dad are in the Marzipan gang.

Yeah.

And then mum and one of other brothers is in the icing gang.

Which is...

The Marzi gang, please.

The Marzi gang.

I can't think of anything with this.

Yeah, so the Marsie gang

and the icing gang.

So she always makes it with both on.

And then what happens is you sort of, you peel off the layer you don't want and you divvy it up and you share it.

So the actual, it's like a classic sort of 70s fruitcake thing, but she puts loads of stuff in it, loads of nuts and loads of things.

She also then makes it early, about two weeks early and then puts it in a cake tin with cherry brandy about an inch deep and then when it sucks it all up she fills it up again yeah so it's like roofless so when you yeah when you cut into it it's really moist and boozy and like that smell of like that cakey boozy smell is so lovely and then so i would have it with mazipan i'll have peeled off the icing i'm not an idiot and then i'll also have another layer of mazipan from one of my brothers

on it i love that you're share it's like proper like feudal society where you're all sharing out the Marzipan and icing.

In my family, there's some people who like egg white and there's some people who like only like the yolks.

So when they have fried eggs, I've seen this on holiday, some people cut all the white off and give it to someone and they'll give their yolk back.

Really?

So I've seen my mum just sit there and eat three egg yolks.

Forever.

Like Hulk Hogan.

Is your mum Hulk kicking?

Oh, she's so muscly, my mum.

It's the fact you like Hulk Hogan, your mum.

Yeah,

I think that would be the trio.

And then I would like some clotted cream.

You know the one that's like got a picture of like a maid on it?

You know the one that you have to use a spoon with.

And it's got a slightly crispy bit on top.

Oh yeah, you've got to punch her through.

It's almost like a bit of wax on the top.

But you eat the wax.

Yeah.

You've got to get through that.

I love that.

The little leaf.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Clotted cream.

It's like a hard bit on the top.

It's almost like yellower on the side.

Yes.

I've mainly seen clotted cream on top of an ice cream cone that I bought in Devon, I think.

You've mainly seen it on top of one ice cream cone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What does that mean?

I got an ice cream.

I think it's Devon, they do it.

I got a comment for Devon or Cornwall now.

Devon, I think.

And I got an ice cream cone.

They put a big scoop of ice cream on it, and then they put a big spoonful of clotted cream on top of that.

Wow.

And I ate it.

And that was the main place where you said the wax on top.

I was like, oh, okay, now I know what it is because I had it on top of an ice cream.

That's most things I only know what they are if I had it on top of an ice cream.

Just when it's thick and it's almost got the consistency of butter, that is so delicious.

Because also then if the Christmas cake is a bit warm and the stones, they'll melt a little bit and it just is really lovely.

Yeah.

And

I do miss that kind of cream because there's no vegan equivalent for that.

And I know...

Like we do it for like environmental reasons mainly and we all have the rule of like you can eat it whenever you want like it's not because that's the only way to keep doing it for me is like you could go back whenever you wanted.

Having said that I met the lovely Henry Whitticomb for food in Brecon.

This is a while ago now.

And it was a little cafe attached to the cathedral or the church.

And so I said, excuse me, what are your vegan options?

And she,

what did she say?

She said, what about quich?

And so straight away I was like, okay.

But I never want to be one of those people who's who's causing fuss.

So I said, oh, no, I can't have eggs, actually.

And then she was like, oh, well, there's a pasta.

It was a tomato pasta.

But because I'd already caused the scene, I was like, that would be lovely.

Thank you so much.

It's like a tomato pasta.

When it turns up, there's loads of cheese on it.

But I don't want to be that person who's like, excuse me.

So I was just like, just eat it.

These people are so lovely.

Yeah.

And then piss through my ass 15 minutes later.

I'm absolutely, definitely lactose intolerant.

It was like that.

I started having just like a really good chat with them.

I was like, excuse me.

I'm just going to get to the toilet.

And was like, oh my, I'm so glad I'm near consecrated crown because this is absolutely unholy.

What's about to happen?

So I'm now scared of dairy.

I put myself in the position where I'm terrified of it.

But you still want the cotton cream?

I think it's safe in this

in the dream restaurant.

There's no shits.

That's the tagline, right?

No shit.

Unless you want them.

Or the best shit you've ever had.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whatever you want.

I'm going to VG back your menu now.

See how you feel about it.

This is your.

Mark II, Sparkling, Sparkling Water.

Popping was a bread.

Two won.

Sparkling, sparkling.

I can't remember how you said it.

Just in a sparkling way.

Sparkling, sparkling.

That was better than his.

That was actually, wasn't that?

That was quite good, wasn't it?

And yet, one of us gets more voice work.

'Cause, oh, yeah, you go.

I can see why you got that that way.

You didn't need to do that as a bottle of sparkling water.

James, you stop doing it as a sparkling water, or we're gonna get Ed to replace you.

Bread.

You wanted brown bread with walnuts, uh, white bread with olives, Guinness bread with some loads of salt and olive oil.

But we could also chuck in the vegan butter that tastes like as good as normal butter there.

Yeah, I would like that if it exists.

Start at Brussels Sprouts with samphire, salt and pepper and the gooey stuff from the tofu.

And you want vegan cream cheese in there as well.

Made by your

betrothed.

Yeah.

Maybe course, picky bits.

We've got steamed rice with belly pork, roast duck and whatever that's the charge, char chicheri.

Char soy.

Char suey.

What?

Prawn dicks,

Lindy McCartney fake chicken bucket, roast garlic mayo, hollandaise, sriracha mayo, vegan honey soy sauce.

I feel like the garden educated Yorkshire.

He just keeps looking at me to check and he's doing all right.

Tarrigan mayo.

Psychology.

Side cottu, brackets, main size portion.

Drink the strawberry beer.

Dwinwen.

Perfect.

Yeah?

Really good, yeah.

Dessert.

I'm just imagining you in the King's Speech now.

I would have been good, King's speech.

Yeah, it would have been good King's Speech.

Would it have still one?

Best picture?

Yeah.

We never know.

Dessert sliders.

Stolen.

Dark Matters Brownie, brackets, cherry.

Cherry.

Mum's Christmas cake, double Marty pan with clotted cream.

So that's a pretty good menu.

Yeah.

It is.

Yeah, there's something I've missed out.

But yeah.

Go on.

I've just discovered a vegan cheese place.

They're Welsh girls down in London called La Faux Margerie.

And they do a camembert that you can bake that's truffle flavoured.

And we ordered six of them after we had our first one.

I've heard of this place.

It's

exceptional.

Kiri, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Again, you've been brilliant.

We'll see you in a

Delete the file, buddy.

Well, there we have it, James.

Always a pleasure.

Speak to Chiri.

I like there being like, you know, a forgotten episode that we can compare to.

That was an interesting element.

I was quite fascinated and I really enjoyed that some of it married up, some of it was completely different.

It's a lot to ask of a guest if you want to make it a regular thing.

Well, to record a whole episode, delete the episode, and then record a new one months and months later.

Well, listen, if the listeners would like us to do that format again, they have to suggest a guest that we can do it with, and we will do it again.

We will do it deliberately once more.

That's our pledge.

And how will they let Benito know that they want that?

They must tweet to the podcast at Off Menu Official.

Hey there, Mr.

Benito.

I've got a suggestion for you, oh,

do

the memory episode with, and then

yeah, and then whoever you want to do the memory episode with, yeah, yeah,

they can't be anyone we've done an episode with that we've released already because we we cannot go back and delete that episode, has to be someone else.

And do you know what?

If it's a guest that really suits that format, maybe someone who's done something to do with memory.

Oh, I did it again.

Yeah.

But not very careful.

Not very careful.

Maybe someone who's done something in the past that's to do with I'm going to bring away a big jug of water from you there, James.

Where am I going to put my penis?

You've been very blue today.

Kimmy was in talking about prawn decks.

What do you want from me?

That's a new catchphrase you've started doing as well.

What do you want from me?

Have I?

Yeah, you've been doing that quite a lot.

Anytime I'll go like, James, that wasn't very good.

Or any mild insight, you'd be like,

what do you want from me?

That's a good impression of me.

But yeah, I think if the guest has done something to do in memory in the past, then that's really suited to it.

You know, Guy Pierce, memento.

Yeah.

You know.

Mr.

Swallow.

Mr.

Swallow.

Obviously, a lot of people are probably going to suggest Derren Brown.

And actually, if we get Derren Brown, we will do it with him, but we will trick him.

So we'll do the episode, delete it, get him back on, and then we will tell him what he said last time, but we'll have completely changed it.

But we'll convince him that he did say the stuff that we've made up.

And he'll go away going, i guess i wanted that stuff originally saying no you didn't and then we'll go haha we've derren-browned you we just deron browned you just got browned kiri did not say dusty meringues she didn't and you know we could have been really out of order with this one we could have just gone looked at her original menu that she did ages ago yeah and picked something from there oh imagine i said if she chooses samphire then she's out oh man you know

which i wouldn't want to do because i think it's a delicious ingredient but it is you know some people don't like it.

So we could have funny to do that.

We could have just done that.

Maybe we'll do that in one of our future memory episodes.

Devin Brown's going to get chucked out.

You've been Browned.

Do listen to Kiri's podcast, All Killer, No Filler, which he does with Rachel Fairbairn, another very funny comedian.

And they talk about serial killers.

And it's a very good podcast.

That's not a food podcast.

No, it's not serial as in

breakfast.

No, no, no, no.

It's about serial killers, murderers.

Murderers.

But they actually do it in a very, it's very funny and informative, but also they do it in a very sensitive way to the subject matter, which I think a lot of true crime podcasts often don't manage, but they managed to find that balance very well.

Yes.

And Kiri gave you a little taste of some of the stories that they've told on the podcast in the past.

They were very funny stories.

So plenty more where that came from.

You know what I'm saying?

Yes, do get stuck into that.

Have a listen to that.

I'm on tour now, James,

a show called Electric.

You should go and see that, and you can buy tickets, edgamble.co.uk.

Wow.

This is very exciting, everyone.

You better get along to that.

The success of the podcast has meant that Ed wants to have a go at stand-up, and this is very exciting.

Yes, cashing in.

It's going to be a great tour.

Hey, thanks.

I can't wait to see it.

Electric.

If you can't make it, I also have a vinyl available for purchase.

You can go on my website to find that as well.

Best artwork on any vinyl ever, including music vinyl.

Correct.

Thank you very much, James.

Anything you want to plug?

You know,

go on my website, jamesacaster.com, and you can watch my special Colesagna Hate Myself 1999.

You will have to pay a pretty penny, but it goes to the man himself.

Me.

You are the man, yes.

It's thirsty work.

Oh, no.

I've just forgotten about that and I've remembered.

It is an amazing show.

I'd heavily suggest you go and buy that because the guy puts in a lot of effort.

Yes.

It's thirsty work what he does.

It's thirsty of work.

That special, doing that special.

This is going to be thirsty work.

This is going to be thirsty work.

That's what I'd say before going on stage.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

We love you all.

Yeah.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.