Ep 127: Timothy Spall

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the pitter bread of conversation, putting it in the toaster of humor, and burning yourself on the steam of hot, hot content.

Hello, James A.

Castor.

Yes.

Hello, Ed Gamble.

I love it.

The pitter bread.

Thank you very much.

Don't often talk about pitter breads on the pod.

We don't.

They don't come up that often, mainly because they are very dangerous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Should have got Rob Beckett on.

Does he talk about pitter breads?

Back in the day, one of the earliest Rob Beckett routines I saw was about pitter breads and how hot they are when you open them up.

Ah, well, yes, we should get Rob on to talk about hot pitter breads, but that's it.

I don't want to hear anything else that man has to say.

In and out.

Cuss cuss as well.

It's like fat sand.

That was an old Rob Beckett line.

Ah, great fat sand.

Great stuff.

That is good stuff.

But nothing else from Rob.

Thank you.

Just those two things.

Get him on to do his bits.

Get him on to do his humour.

Give that guy a little boost career-wise.

God knows he needs it.

But we're not here to talk to Rob Beckett today, and we're here to talk to someone else.

And what are we here to talk to them about, sir?

This is the off-menu podcast.

We live in a dream restaurant, and we bring in a guest, and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Tim Timothy Spall

what an amazing actor Timothy Spall is National Treasure territory are we in again champions absolutely national treasure this is a real national treasure heavy series actually it is yeah it's a treasure chest I'd call it this series yeah really I mean we all admire Timothy Spall who's got a place in everyone's hearts so many iconic roles and just this so such a delight to watch every single film.

I love his performance.

I love the warmth he brings to his characters, no matter who they are, even if they're the baddies.

He brings a certain relatability to them, a certain humor to them, Ed.

Couldn't have put it better myself, James.

I was just slightly thrown by the fact earlier you said that we live in the dream restaurant.

Yes.

As soon as I said that, and are you going to pick me up on it?

Well, it's just something I didn't know that we live in it.

Yep, we live there.

So we live there.

People come and create their own dream restaurant within the blank canvas that we live in.

Right.

When they leave, does their stuff go with them?

And are we just living in a big white room until there's another guest?

Yeah, it's not even a big white room.

It's like just a state of nothingness.

Sounds awful.

Yeah, it's not nice.

When people aren't in the dream restaurant, we're in awakening hell.

We like people to be in the dream restaurant, which is why it's a shame that we've established a format point that if they pick a secret ingredient, then they will be kicked out of the restaurant, James.

We're asking for trouble.

We're asking for trouble, but them's the rules.

It's an ingredient that we or even the listeners deem to be disgusting and this week the secret ingredient for Timothy Spall's episode is pilchards pilchards pilchards horrible horrible horrible business yep I think that's a that's a good way of putting it dropping the h and saying horrible yeah rolling the r's a bit like uriah heap is that is it like uriah heap no i tell you what

no that's good yeah also though i think you were more channeling david thewlis in um loved the third season of fargo there that's who you reminded me of when you've did.

I loved him in that.

But also, who was it?

Was it Ben Wishaw who was Uriah Heap?

He was?

In the Copperfield film, the Armando Inuchi one.

He was very good.

Yes, he's very good.

Hello, Ben Wishaw, if you're listening.

We'd love you to come on.

Yeah.

We wish or

you'd come on.

Oh, well, that's our chance.

It's gone.

That's that out the window.

Benito Wishaw.

We didn't choose Pilchards, by the way.

I'm kind of like, I'll eat Pilchards.

I'm all right with it.

Even though they're in an horrible, horrible, horrible business.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's the listeners who chose it, right?

Yeah, a couple of listeners.

I believe Zach Morris and AC Slater chose it.

Sarah Phelps on Twitter and James Garrett on Twitter.

Very nearly, I got that right.

It was Lisa Turtle.

That's what I've got here.

Great.

Thank you, remember the other people's names?

Screech.

Samuel Powers.

Samuel Screech Powers, yes.

Yeah.

Dennis Belding.

Well, the actor was called Dennis Hopper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Oh my god.

Yes.

Oh, you thought you had me.

His name was Dennis Haskins.

Dennis Hopper.

Imagine very different career for old Hopper.

That would be great if Dennis Hopper was Mr.

Belding.

Timothy Spawl has been in so many wonderful things, including the film Spencer, which is out on Friday, James.

About Princess Diana.

I'm sure he will tell us more about the film in this conversation.

But before we go to the wonderful Timothy Spawl, James, we have been nominated for a National Comedy Award.

We are on a long long list for best comedy podcast.

We need people to vote to get us onto the short list, and then we will come back begging again like horrible little pigs and ask for another vote.

But this first stage, we need to get to the short list.

So you've got to go and vote, please.

Essentially, we'll beg so much that if we do win it, we'll be so demeaned by the whole experience that it won't feel worth it.

We will feel dirty.

We'll feel...

Horrible.

Horrible business.

Have we really won, or did we just beg people to give it to us?

Exactly.

But I don't mind that.

I love to feel dirty.

So go to thenationalcomedyawards.com and you can vote there.

But now, this is the off-menu menu of Timothy.

Timothy Spall.

Welcome, Timothy, to the Dream Restaurant.

What?

I'm delighted to be here.

I'm already dreaming.

Welcome, Timothy Spall, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time here we are i'm sorry i'm late hey no you weren't late you were you were bang on time timothy uh we're recording this one over zoom we were supposed to be doing it in person of course um but james isn't very well the restaurant genie isn't feeling very well james are you are you all right mate are you going to be okay to do this i'll be honest with you when i did the sound effect just then it really tore my throat up in a way that it hasn't before

uh but i really committed to it timothy because i don't want to go lackluster on your episode just because I'm a bit poorly.

Oh, listen, I understand how brave you're being and what a brave soldier you're being.

Thank you.

And therefore, I will bear that in mind.

And I'm humbled by

your sacrifice.

Oh, thank you so much.

What are you drinking them out of your glass mug?

A cup of my favourite tea, which is Yorkshire and Earl Grey.

So a little bit of the old builder in me and also

the layers of sophistication that has happened to me ever since i've become an actor of the parish for many many years ago is it a it's a mix of teas yeah well yeah two bags just stick them in always that's what we do we get the in the morning two yorkshire or whatever the equivalent builders is and then a bag of uh earl grey let it become uh so strong that you can stand your spoon up in it and then it's ready to go i've never met anyone who's double-banked it let alone cross-bagged cross the bags old cross fertilizing your tea yeah well then it's what i see you get your you're getting your old-fashioned um transport calf tea uh basic tea that i was sort of brought up on and then the poncey kind of tea that one has introduced after life with sophistication of a strolling player do you feel like if you ever let the yorkshire tea go then you've sort of lost something you've you've abandoned your past well i i think i'd lose it because it's good isn't it yeah i think i think i would find myself entering into the sort of health shoe phase and then only ignoring all that the great stuff the the really you know the the deep fried the fried bread and the deep fried shit of my youth and all them wonderful carcinogenic meals that were uh you know

that were dished up and enjoyed and still do on occasion still love them you know why not there's a mixture so i still have a little bit of that and i'll go into the sophisticated as well or the ponce whatever you want to say however you want to

couch it will you name and shame a national treasure who only has L Grey?

Do you know of any?

I know people who have far worse teas, you know, fennel and

raspberry and all them things that aren't supposed to be in tea.

Those, all those teas, I don't know how they've quite come upon us.

Where did they come in from?

Did they come in a bit after the time when an egg and bacon pie became a quiche Lorraine?

I think that's when it that's when it all started.

Um, of course, we know here off menu that a cup of tea is not your favorite drink, is it, Timothy?

Um, no, no, what is my favorite drink?

I used to go right across the board, you know, bottom shelf to top shelf.

I don't do that anymore.

From pump to optic, uh, via the vineyards of

Spain, France, and Rome and Greece.

Um, I don't do that anymore.

So, all of the wonderful beauties of that of such delights have now been replaced by your mixed bag and your diet coke and your fizzy water with a bit of uh

lime juice in it or to top off the day like some boy scout rewarding himself for a lot a lot of days on the toggle or whatever you do with the boy um i have a nice um uh

robinson's black currant and and uh apple with some lemon in it pathetic i sit there sipping going hmm oh that was oh i have a relax with this now you know um well there we are that's the big reward is it?

Well, it is the thing that's become, you know, it's not a bottle of Brunello anymore.

No, or

actually, I've become a great aficionado of the Waitrose cranberry big bottle.

It's a huge bottle like this,

which has gone up from, I think, 72p to 75p now.

I was a bit shocked.

And I said, come on, Spawn, pull yourself together.

You spent 20 quid on a bottle of wine.

Now you're moaning about cranberries.

Cranberry?

You know, bottle 75p.

No, that's, no, I've, as I say, I've had my share and those are these are now my delights.

Diet Coke being a sort of a staple.

Do you go for Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi?

That sounds slightly, doesn't satisfy.

There's a different taste.

I'm not going to diss it because I would take it.

But I have been, you know, I've gone towards now or zero.

I like that.

I find that's a bit hyphalutic.

I've done that thing now.

Can I have a Diet Coke?

All zero if you happen to have, you know, all that thing?

You overexplain what?

Yeah, we got it.

You know, I mean, you, all that bollocks, you know.

If you have a Coke Zero, would you add in a bit of Diet Coke just to remind you of your roots?

Yeah.

Double bag.

Well, I don't.

Well, you didn't have to get two, wouldn't you?

But I example is I drink very fast.

I mean, this is my sixth cup of tea

of the morning.

I mean, I literally, I can do.

10 o'clock.

That's the problem is that, is that you have, I have to have at least six.

I usually have five, three straight off, and I I drink them fast.

And my wife is usually on just on the one, and then I'll go in for a fourth, then the fifth comes in.

And then, of course, if you have to go out, you spend most of the day trying to find toilets, you know,

and going in, excuse me, and

like in this country, you can't just walk in, you have to beg and throw yourself on the mercy of various institutions.

I haven't got a card yet, you know, help this poor old man.

He needs a wee.

But that is one of the downsides of drinking so much tea.

And then Coca-Cola, you always want to go for a wee.

Are you double bagging every single time, Timothy?

Are you making separate cups of tea, double bagging, or are you making a big pot at the beginning of the day?

I know, big pot, got a nice pot.

Isn't it funny how every cup doesn't matter how much you try, how much you've perfected the art of tea making, every pot of tea is slightly different.

Why is you've got to allow for the dance of the bag?

Dance of the bag, and you can never do it exactly the amount of time without egg timers and putting on I mean and putting on a timer for as the Americans got it sleeping a bag is like kind of it's I think that's a little bit pedantic slightly probably anal but so I think you're allowing yourself the disappointment or the joy of what's going to come out of the pot is actually part of the morning's um you know fandango i find sometimes the disappointment is worth it because you know you've got joy just coming around the corner exactly you've always got another go if you've got plenty of bags now we have talked a lot about drink however when i asked you what your favorite drink was earlier you did get the question wrong timothy oh did i that i obviously don't know myself yeah go on what is it your favorite drink is diet cloudy lemonade that's your favorite drink you drink it all the time now i know where you got that and i uh

somebody lived with me quite a long time

yeah no that is true that is true i do like that very much but i have graduated towards this big uh i think it's pink grapefruit or marks and spencer's fizzy cranberry lemonade so i've veered off i mean i'm not i haven't abandoned the cloudy lemonade i do love that and that would be on the desert island i

think i'd have to have that i'd have to have that in a well yeah um but um how often if you had a cloudy lemonade well would you be going back to the well well quite a lot i do like to drink i am i think i might have gills i keep i sometimes ridiculously check but um i haven't

because I don't understand why I can drink so much.

I don't know where it is.

And I think, and I don't know whether I believe it or not.

It's probably nonsense.

It might be absolutely true.

It might be ruled by the stars.

But I am a Pisces, as are lots of actors.

And I think I could quite easily just float about in a sea of cloudy lemonade, just constantly consuming it.

I presume far better than the constant consumption of Brunello and Barolo, which would have,

I think I might have been, that might have done me work.

You know, I don't know, but there's probably all sorts of horrible carcinogenics and things inside Cloud of Lemonade, but probably not as bad for you as litres and liters of wine.

I'm a Pisces as well, Timothy.

And I think I agree with you.

I think that's the thing because, as James will tell you, I'm a glugger.

I glug things down.

I'll get a pint of water and straight down.

Oh, absolutely.

And same with food.

I eat it very quick.

I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's because of having three brothers and you're always worried if you didn't eat it quick, they'd eat it before you even got it in your mouth, you know.

But I just, I could eat, I eat so fast that it's gone.

I've done.

I've eaten the starter and I've got the mango before my wife's even got the bread.

And will you confirm that you drink cloudy lemonade so much that it comes out of your eyes?

It probably does.

I don't know.

I have to try by drinking my tears.

I don't know whether that's sad, means you're ill, or whether that's poetry.

I'm not sure.

Before we move on to your menu properly, Timothy, can you tell us a little bit about your new film, Spencer?

Well, yes, it's a very unusual look at three days in the life of Diane Spencer, Princess of Wales,

a woman that some people might have heard of.

And it's set in the early 90s at a time in her life when the marriage was not on great soil.

And she's there at Christmas at Sandry.

And it's an investigation of how she deals with that three days, the rules and regulations, the stringency of what the traditions are, you know, of what she has to do and it being in a sense an exacerbation of all the problems that she found in a simplistic form of what

is indicative of the problems of her position in the royal family.

And it's a

view, a very in-your-face view of her psychological state, her relationship to the family and what she's going through.

And it's not, it's as different from the crown as

the born identity would be.

And I play a character, Major Alastair Gregory, who's sent to Sandringham to keep her in line, basically.

But we started all in Germany during lockdown.

So it was hell.

I was in Berlin for a long time and there was a lot of time off because snow came in and disrupted it.

And I was right in the middle of all these cultural delights and completely unable to.

to go and see them and i ended up having to cook for myself because nothing was open and my wife and i who are joined at the hip, she couldn't join me, which was hell as well.

So I had to do cooking lessons with her over face on FaceTime.

I mean, it was really sad.

I mean, but because I had this lots of time off, I'd plan, I'd forget things in the supermarket so I could go back, so I had something to do.

You know, it was really sad.

Oh, oh, oh, I seem to have forgotten the bread so I could go back later on.

You know, I mean, it was really pathetic.

But I realized something.

I was 60, 64 now.

I was 63 before I'd ever cooked my own pasta.

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, it was

all right.

What was the pasta?

Well, it was spaghetti.

I thought I didn't want to go to Rigatoni or anything with all that exotic stuff, like off of one of those charts with all them things on it.

I thought I'd go in with the spaghetti, get the tomato sauce on, get that going.

And it turned out, and obviously, I had to FaceTime my wife eight times, you know, just to get, and I set the alarm off in the hotel apartment four times.

spawn has

any problem with hair spahn oh no i'm just cooking a past

well i like that character very much

uh we always start with still or sparkling water in the dream restaurant definitely sparking a little bit of the exotic i find still i'm not that keen on water per se to tell you the truth uh being a fish though which is odd i'm a cloudy lemonade drinking fish not a water fish uh i'm not a fresh water fish fish.

I'm a stale cloudy lemonade fish.

So it's got to have the sparkling water.

But I always ask, so does my wife, we always ask for

a side jug of lime juice, cordial, not juice, none of that rubbish from real stuff.

Lime cordial, hopefully roses if they've got it, you know.

And I always say, can I have it?

And I mime it, can I have it in a little jug, you know,

a little jug on the side?

And Rave, I always, because Rafe said when I was a kid, I used to say, could I have a double espresso with some hot milk on the side, a little jug?

And Rafe used to say to me, Dad, you can ask for a little jug of hot milk

every time.

Every time I ask for a little jug of,

I always remember him taking a piss out

when he was a kid.

It's hardly surprising because we bought them up on sarcasm as a device to sort of being bad rather than pumping them.

So he would copy you and

mine the jug?

Yeah, but mainly he would take the mech out of me saying a little jug, a little jug.

I don't know why I go up and I say, put up a little jug and sort of do a little

jug mime with my hands.

Well, that shows it's a little jug.

You've got to go up to

because if you say a little jug, they might, they'll bring you a normal size jug.

If you say, could I have a ewer, a ewer, a hot milk?

Could I have a fucking hot milk?

No.

A little jug of hot milk.

So is your dream water, the fizzy water, with a little jug

of lime cordial on the side, or because you love Cloudy Lemonade so much, and me and Ed going into this, that was the main thing we knew about you, food-wise, is that you love Cloudy Lemonade.

I would almost be willing to bend the rules and let you have Cloudy Lemonade as your water course.

Oh, thank you.

You sure?

Yeah,

I don't want to bring the whole edifice of your structure of your show down by breaking that one particular.

but if that's allowed, but I have to modify the cloud, it's got to be diet cloudy lemonade, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, that is the one, you know.

Um, it's got to have all of those things that you're not supposed to enjoy, aspartame and all them other things that come out of probably nuclear fissions and all that.

I don't know where they get them from, but if you're going to drink 14 gallons of them, that's like having seven dinners.

So, you've got to

you've got to lose the courage.

So, you're having the food.

I feel like because it's the dream restaurant as well, you can have a well.

I think you can have a well in the middle of the restaurant which has got diet cloudy lemonade in and every so often you can just send a bucket down pull it back up send a bucket yeah that is marvellous isn't it yeah a bucket yeah absolutely a pail a big one of them big wooden ones with the metal rims around or could it be a firkin could i ask for a firkin or something similar to that a quart a quart yes that would be a quart pail sir would you like the quart pail the firkin the gullen pail the half gullen but you have to do the different voices for each one of those you have to go up an octave or down an octave or whatever can i have the gallon

or the do you want the american gallon sir or the imperial the imperial gallon please

not the american gallon is less but the imperial gallon one imperial gallon of clock and everything

that's perfect you've created so many characters already timothy on it just we're we're only on the water course and we've had so many different voices and characters i mean i'm hoping later on we're going to hear more from the uh worried german hotel worker oh yes yes oh maybe yeah we're right

i mean this is my i'm just checking that okay i really like the worried german hotel worker they've got

yeah hash ball yeah hash ball

pop it up

a dubs or bread timothy spool popped up

i do like a bobba dump very much like a bobbadom and i like it i like a spicy and a plain Could you have to have one or the other?

Because I like bread.

I'm one of those people that eats all the bread as soon as it arrives.

That is the problem.

You have to be very careful with how many poppadoms you eat.

I once was in a restaurant.

This sounds bizarre.

I was once in an Indian restaurant in Egg.

It sounds like the beginning of a limerick, doesn't it?

But and I saw a table of six order 38 poppadoms.

I thought that was such a wonderful order.

And they came and the crunch, the sound.

Were they all on top of each other all 38 popadoms no they were on individual they couldn't balance they were they were precariously bought in on but four different plates but they were they got they've got them down so i think i'll have a spice may i have a spicy poppadum and a a plain one and can i have some really big

like spanish crusty bread you know that bread you get in spain with all air holes in it but it's soft and it's got a dark crust on it i love that and some oil and oil and vinegar basamic and that goes on there.

And a little relish tray with the lime pickle and the mango chutney and the onion and tomato salad.

And a little bit of yogurt, not too much of that.

It sounds amazing, Timothy.

I'm laughing because this is genuinely just like talking to Rafe again.

Yeah.

It's exactly like talking to Mafe.

We could almost be related.

He just, he also did what you're doing, which is just use this as an opportunity to list as many things as possible.

Have all of it immediately.

Well, there's so many delights, isn't there?

I mean, I suppose if I was going to be aesthetic about it,

I could bring them right down.

But it is a dream place, isn't it?

So your dreams are about indulging.

And I presume.

you're casting off any fear of

feeling ill after you've eaten too much.

So that goes away.

I mean, I always had this, so said to somebody,

there was a device that you could swallow a carrier bag and just leave the corner out of your mouth and eat every day, eat as much as you're going to just enjoy it, pull it out,

empty it, and stick it back in again.

So you actually got all the pleasure.

You just pull it out, empty it, so you'd never get full.

I mean, that is a pretty disgusting image.

Yeah, I was going to say, would you like that in your dream restaurant?

Because it doesn't, it sounds like something of a nightmare to have a carrier bag down your throat with a corner hanging out that you can pull out of your own stomach.

It wouldn't be very nice for the other diners.

The noise it would make when it was pulled out and emptied would probably put people off, you know, whatever they were having you know you're you're basically going pop a dumbs and bread bread and if i may it's just just i don't well i'm going to hold back to the starter as well and i'll leave that as the bread and the pop of dumbs if i may yeah also my wife makes uh during lockdown became a master baker uh and uh some of the bread she's so i i might have to bring in a bit of that some of her um for

catcher oh my she makes it's for catcher and we've been in italy quite a lot honestly it's up there with the best.

And so maybe I'd bring a little bit of that in in a sort of heated pouch that I'll put on a, you know.

You did a little, it wasn't a little jug mime there.

The heated, what was the heated pouch that the Froca was coming in?

Well, the heated pouch almost came out as if I was wearing a bra.

Why are you wearing a bread bar?

Why are you wearing a bread bra?

Well, I haven't got breasts anymore, but I used to have anymore, but I now use them.

I use my bra to keep my focaccia my homemade focaccia warm so i can produce it with a little fuss and without drawing attention i don't know would you draw you would draw attention to somebody were bringing bread out of a bra in a restaurant particularly on old man

so i think that's fine i think you can have the popped ons and bread that you described and you can also have your wife's focaccia if you're bringing it out of your bra my bread bra yes as long as you're wearing a bread bra and that's where you're bringing out the fokatcher then we'll allow it

we get to your starter now your dream starter quite excited to see how many dishes are in this well i'm if i may i'm gonna go in for a mese of

a mesa

or a tapas of um yes i think i'm gonna go in if i may can i have a very you know like a little ramekin there's a word i like a small ramekin of plain crisp with little cubes of cheese with them.

I would love a little ramekin of peanuts.

I would like some olives, if I may.

And I would like, I've got a great liking for these Marmite

crisp breads.

I'd like a little pile of those as well.

I love those.

And I think that would do me as a little, just as a little nibble thing to nibble my way through the ramekins towards,

we were recently in Rome and we went in this place and it's had something I'd never had before, which was a deep fried small artichoke.

At that, a tiny little artichoke, not one of them big things that you have to peel, like you're doing some kind of origami or something on a reverse origami on an artichoke like that, but little deep-fried artichokes, some a little goujon of fish.

I'd like that as well.

I love a goujon.

I don't know.

Are you familiar with the delight of the goujon?

I am.

Yeah, I've goujon.

Just, yeah, isn't it a lovely thing, the goujon?

What makes a goujon a gujon?

Well, it's just a small...

deep-fried fish, isn't it?

Is it a fish finger?

Well, no, it's the misshaped fish finger.

And it's usually like that beer batter type thing, not a bread-coated thing.

You know, when they make how fish manages to have a puffed-up batter and have air between the fish itself and the batter, and then a nice little bit of squashy sort of fat juice thing comes out when you bite it.

That kind of gougeon.

You don't get the fat squidgel on a fish finger, do you?

No, you never get the fat squidgel actually on a fish finger.

Sometimes it squirts out.

I could hit you in the eye or something for a dining if you were not careful.

So just to recap, you would like a ramekin of crisps and cheese.

Yes.

You would like a ramekin of peanuts, a ramekin of olives.

Yes.

A ramekin of those Marmite flatbread bites.

Yes.

A fish Goujon and a deep-fried artichoke.

And also what I'd like, maybe not a ramekin, a slightly larger bowl of Padron peppers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Have we even talked about Padron peppers?

Has anyone picked Padron peppers before, James?

We've definitely talked about them before because we talked about how I say Padron Peppers, which I think Timothy does as well.

And you always say Padron peppers.

I don't think there's a right version.

I think they're both right.

Well, both times yours has sounded wrong.

I'll leave you to picker about that, but as long as you get them, who cares?

Or if in Spain, they have to say ipatrona.

Oh, yeah.

Put an E in front.

Yeah.

Could I have some ipadrund the peppers?

Abimento?

A pipatronaca.

So who's this character?

I don't know.

Someone's serving you.

I don't know.

I think it's based on a character I played.

It was a character I played in.

A mad production of Love's Labour's Lost, which I did.

Ken Branner production where I had to sing I get no kick from cocaine.

And I had to do it.

Anyway, we'll leave it at that.

I saw that at the cinema.

You never did.

You must have been four.

And you must have been, what on earth was going on?

Kept Renodian, we went to see Love Labour's Lost.

Goodness me.

I'd never seen a Shakespeare thing at the cinema before.

Tell me, what did you make of it?

I think I liked it.

I can't really remember.

I just remember the fact that we were seeing a Shakespeare film and I hadn't seen a Shakespeare film before.

So that was exciting.

And I didn't learn it was Kenneth Branagh or who Kenneth Branagh was till years later.

How old were you, if I may ask?

I don't know.

I would have been probably primary school, definitely.

Oh, my God, I really am old.

I saw it in a cinema.

I thought I was the only person who'd done that.

But I mean, it was horribly received.

My wife absolutely loved it.

And I think it's been what's, you know, you have to put up with that, don't you?

You end up in some things that people adore.

And then you end up on things that people loathe.

And then sometimes they loathe it.

And then luckily these days, I mean, they stick around these days.

It's harder to kill a film.

Some deserve to die, but a lot don't.

And

if they can survive, there's streaming and all that stuff that, you know, young people know how to work to watch.

And I think you might be able to get hold of it.

I did look it up once and saw myself doing it in German, which was interesting.

I'd never seen myself doing, being stubbed in German.

What is the film the people love the most that you've done?

That they bring up to you the most?

Well, it's going to have to be the Harry Potter series, which is the one that...

funny enough is the smallest one of the smallest parts i've ever played that has made made me um the most well-known internationally i remember getting in a lift in my wife and going in a lift with uh in new mexico a sophisticated very sophisticated middle-aged couple got in.

I thought, my God, what, you're a politician or something?

And he turned to me and he said, oh, my God,

are you the rat dude from Harry Potter?

I said, yes, I do know.

I do answer that appellation on occasion.

The rat dude.

Better than the guy I met also in New Mexico.

I was sitting outside having a beer outside a restaurant and the guy.

oldest guy, very kind of distinguished old guy, came up to me and said, I just wanted to say thank you.

I said, sorry.

So, have we met?

No, no, no, we haven't met.

I just want to say thank you.

You are the reason my daughter is an opera singer.

I said, That's I'm very delighted she is,

but I don't think

I can take claim for that.

And he said, Well, I am telling you, I know you're being humble.

I'm telling you, Mr.

Andrew Lloyd Weber, that you are.

I said no no um thanks uh i'm a big fan not as good looking as him but uh i would uh i can't say that he wasn't disappointed he wasn't having it he thought i was swimming but we're

padron we got padron peppers to andrew lloyd weber as always happens on this podcast they always have down that road yeah and then the other one is of course it's either kids it's either kids with that or um old fellas now um watching alvidaz ain't pets still so i cover the i cover the lot.

I go from, you know, and now all the kids, the kids of the kids who saw Harry Potter are now watching Harry Potter.

And the sons of the people are now watching the original Al Vidazeim audience.

And now I've even, I'm even, I used to get, I've been watching that with my dad.

Now I'm getting, oh, I saw that.

I'm now watching Al Vidaze with my granddad, you know.

So it's, I've covered all areas with a little bit of art, a little bit of world cinema in between.

You know, I'm lucky.

I'm lucky to be tolerated on a long-term basis.

That's the way I heard of it by the profession.

So there we are.

I can't complain.

When Rafe was on, he said about how much cloudy lemonade you drank.

And we said about it spilling out of your eyes because you drank so much and covering you.

And I made a joke to Miffy.

I said, Alfida Zane, wet.

How do you like that?

I don't know how to contain myself.

I've actually

soiled myself with laughter.

I'm going to have to call my wife to bring me some pants because that is so fun.

My My socks are full.

Yeah, interesting use of humour.

Yes, like the deeply unfunny kind.

That's the way I'd sum up, James.

If anyone said, can you describe James Acaston's comedy?

I'd say, well, it's an interesting use of humour.

Yeah, I'll take that.

Your dream main course, Tibbett?

Well, I don't know why it's happened, but I have become very prone to eating a lot of fish.

And a lot of, my wife's a vegetarian, she has a bit of, but I've got, I've got, I've moved, maybe because I am a fish, I'm leading towards being a fish, guarding lemonade, drinking fish and becoming a fish.

But the one thing I said to my wife, what do I like the moment?

I mean, man, we've been married 40 years, you know.

And she said, what you really like, and it's not something you have, is oxtail.

Has anybody chose oxtail?

I don't think so.

I think you might be the first oxtail.

Now, luckily, I've never actually gone in a butcher's and bought one because they are, you know, when you, you know, oxtail soup, it's that brown thing, in it, in a tin with little, like, little flakes of something.

You go, what's that?

And it's got a sort of slightly, you know,

appealing thing to it.

And sort of thing you have, maybe you're forced by your man when you're ill or something, when you're young to have it.

You just feel sicker when you've had it.

I mean, I've always liked it.

But oxtail is literally what it is.

You know, it's a huge tail from an ox

cut in slices into like rings.

So you can see the mark, the ring.

And then it's so it's all got meat and an odd sort of gelatin thing around.

And then you cook it for about 11 years.

And then it is the most exquisite.

And my wife does all sorts of magical things to it.

I don't know what she adds.

I think she's just

lets it cook.

I mean, but I don't know.

I never asked because she's a magician with food.

And

but this amazing sort of vat, like a huge bowl of meaty, kind of dark,

sort of almost medieval type thing comes out with this beautiful, soft meat that just falls on.

And then you're left with a very strange little sort of gelatini type bone thing.

It's almost like, well, I suppose the tail is an extension of the spine, isn't it?

But that's, I remember you couldn't have them during a mad cow disease because anything from the head to the spine to the tail was banned, you remember?

You couldn't immediately.

So, but it's on rare occasion because it is a little bit, I suppose, want of a better word, disgusting in some eyes, but it's quite quite anachronistic, quite old-fashioned.

But I highly recommend it, really.

I really do.

Timothy, I think you're the first person to bring oxtail to the dream restaurant.

And also, you're the first person to use the phrase extension of the spine during describing their main course.

Well, I might be wrong technically, and I hope to be disabused eventually.

My ignorance on this about

whether a tail is an extension of the spine.

I mean, there is evidently the coccyx,

which is the bottom of our spine, used to be where we had a tail.

Now, is that an urban myth?

Um, it can't be an urban myth because there weren't any cities when we had tails, if we had tails, but is it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, you should look.

Yeah, I take your advice on tails more because you were the rat dude, of course.

Well, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I was the rat dude, and I've been it more than once because I was a rat in chicken run as well.

So I am an authority.

But I also have played Winston Churchill more than once, and I'm not an authority on him.

But I think Rattus Norvigicus, I can

claim to have some inside knowledge of.

Or Rattus Rattis, depending on whichever one you want to go for.

Was Extension of the Spine a single by Body Tyler?

Do you know?

Extension of the Spine.

Body Tyler sounded about.

How would it go?

Sing it, mate.

Sing it, please.

Go on.

Nothing I can do.

A total extension of the spine.

I like that.

Yeah, I think that.

Yes.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

My wife's just going off to get oxtails.

Yeah.

Just reminded her.

That was very sweet.

I think James missed that.

Your wife came and ruffled your hair to say goodbye there.

Ruffled my hair with a butt going off to buy oxtails.

Yeah, but that, and because I live very near Smithville, which is an interesting interesting place to live and you're never far from an oxtail.

They don't lead the cattle up here anymore.

I read this statistic once, evidently, when there was a, when they did lead the cattle to the market, where it was also slaughtered here, the guys that worked here, the bailiffs or the beadles, used to have to wear leather, sort of a treated leather waist-high waders because there was a million beasts here and there was so much shit that they had to wear waders up to the.

And do you know, um, where the fleet at which you can no longer see it was Fleet Street, which is Farring, where Farrington Road, they used to tip all the offal down in there.

They used to use it like a big drain.

So there was a river there, and it slowly got covered in bridges.

And then they'd start chucking all the guts and all the things after they sorted the animal.

And the stink was so horrible that it became a health hazard.

So they eventually covered it and piped it off.

So that's why the fleet is under

the Farrington and road it starts up in somewhere up in amsterdam well you can hear it some i can hear it under the album viaduct uh sometimes you can hear all the offal you can't hear the offal bubbling i think that's all decomposed because it was a not it was that the 14th century they did that who knows there might be a spleen wobbling around you know

stuck in a stuck in a battlegate sewer outlet you never know hopefully none of none of that makes it into the uh cloudy lemonade well that'd be an absolute disaster if you pull the bucket up and there's a spleen in there.

No, if there was an infiltration, that would you dip in your fur kin and pull out a lump of medieval spleen.

Talk about what the foot and mouth crisis was like for you.

Well, not being a farmer, it didn't really affect me.

And not having any farming, being from South London and now living in the centre of the old London idiom.

Farming is a little bit of a

bit of an exotic sort of other planet to me.

I mean, the only thing I was deprived of was

Oxtail.

I mean, that's about how it hit me.

That was a great answer, Tim, to what I think from James is the weirdest question he's ever asked on this podcast.

He's never ever asked anyone, tell us what a foot and mouth was like for you.

Well, no, because it's all about COVID, and it's nice to have a blast from the past, isn't it?

Asking about how's your coronavirus is so boring, so derogue.

To ask about something like that, I mean, I'd love to talk about the blitz, but I only know it from second hand while talking to my nan.

You know, I mean, I could do you

an impersonation of Lord Hor.

Germany calling, Germany calling, give up the war, British Tommy.

We are superior to you.

How would Lord Horho ask for a little jug?

Look, look here, you young, foolish English person supporting your army, pass me a little jog of

a little jog of lime juice and we will spare you one of your hours taken over.

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Serve Pro, like it never even happened.

Your dream side dish, Timothy.

Well, with this, do you know, I don't know how it's done.

Um, my nan used to do it, my wife can do it if I ask her, she doesn't like doing it.

If you over-boil potatoes, they get a kind of fluffy quality to them.

They go a bit dry and they've got like bits of fluffy, and they've got a then that with them because you stick that in the any dry fluffiness becomes in the lovely lovely mixture of the sauce and that that goes in with that i on the side and you lovely put it in there to change the color of the potato and i also maybe if i may have another potato with it which is like a crispy roast potato maybe a mediterranean one you know done in the pan like that or just a roast one covered in some kind of goose fat or some fat of something and then um i think some i want to say frozen peas i like i do like frozen pea, but sometimes with if you're going medieval, if you're going back, the marrow fat pea, tin of marrow fat peas, which is another thing.

I don't quite, do you think marrow fat peas actually have marrow in them?

I've never heard of marrow fat peas until you just said them.

You never heard of a marrow fat pea?

I've heard of a marrow fat pee, but I couldn't draw you one.

Well, it's a pea.

Picture a pea, picture a pea,

invariably in a tin.

And I think they must have, unless it's the type of pea that grows, I don't know whether they put marrow fat in them to give them a spot, or whether it's a type of pea.

I'm tempted to look it up, but I'm not going to because it would be distracting.

But I always like to think because it always tastes like there is something else in it.

I don't know whether it's the pea itself or whether it's gone that tinny taste, because a tin

pea does have a particular tang to it, doesn't it?

And it's old old and it's kind of marinated in its own penis, you know.

Oh,

in its penis.

That's an interesting one, isn't it?

That penis,

that being of a pea type of pea, being penesque, sounds like penis.

Marinated in its own penis.

Marinated in its marrow-fatted penis penis.

So you would like the peas marinated in their own penis?

In their own

pee-ness.

penis.

Yeah.

You have to spread it out, don't you?

Well, actually, the worst thing for a penis to have is penis.

Yeah.

You don't want your penis to have a penis.

No, you don't want it to be.

No, you don't want it to be pea-like.

No, it would be out of control, wouldn't it?

You don't want it to have that tang that you mentioned.

No, you don't want that tang.

I wouldn't mind it just to hear a doctor try and say.

a penis penis because that's getting towards the latin isn't it so it might even actually cut me like you know anyway

I'm actually starting to feel a bit tired with this.

I'm starting to loathe myself talking about it.

Self-loathing's never far.

You know, if you've got verbal diarrhea like that, you go, oh, shut up.

You know, when you do a junk kit, which your job is to constantly talk, you know.

Once did 36 interviews in two hours, one after the other, at a junk it, and I kept saying, who is that horrible man?

Going on and on and on.

Shut him up for fuck's sake.

You, it's useful.

It's you.

You're constantly going on.

What was that for?

What was the film?

That was for denial.

Which was, yes, about the Holocaust.

My dad loves that film.

Does he?

I have not seen the film Denial, but I have heard my dad describe the plot of the film Denial to me upwards of 10 times, at least 10 times.

He has described the entire plot.

So we've got fluffy, overly boiled fluffy potatoes, really nice Spanish roast potatoes, some marrow fat peas.

Oh, I tell you what, I've got, I mustn't forget this, but maybe possibly nine chips, fat chips, nine chips.

No, no more than that, but you don't want to overdo it.

You don't want to spoil it.

I don't out buttons, but nine chips.

Nine chips.

Triple cooked?

I'm never sure about that.

I think that's overdoing it.

I've always, I like it.

I've had it, but I had it.

I think, was it not

Eston Blumenthal who sort of said that, made that

for the the rage um and uh i did go there and have them they were absolutely delicious at the fat duck uh only the once it was delightful but i think they were slightly over you know over over cook over duck you know you just nothing just a deep fry bang whack it in you know in a chip pan one of them things that you know used to where the fire brigade was a well chip pan fire you know they were quite a fire brand what's that chip pan chimney fry i don't have them anymore or chip pan fire little few chips but i think don't know whether this is a side side dish, but it's an absolute, and it goes way, way back to what I did as a kid, a slice of thick or medium slice, home pride, mother's pride, or whatever the equivalent, sunblessed, and all these trade names for white bread that tastes like a chalk pillow, that kind of thing, you know.

And then you make sure you've got not too much because you don't want to drown the bread.

what's left you've eaten everything and the bones are pushed to the side possibly maybe even put on the bone plate with some of the pad drone pepper ends still left.

You could make a nice little

bone, circular bone, padrone pepper hair on a circular bone face, several of them.

And then you get the bread, and you've got, you know, possibly an eighth of an inch of gravy.

And then you put in dead centre, you put the mother's pride or equivalent, whatever that would be, sunbreast or, you know, into the bread.

And you watch it slowly, the slow,

the breads and the gravy seep in to and turn slowly but surely in slow motion turn into another colour and another thing and another piece of matter entirely oxtail juice soaked mother's pride there and you eat it delicately and with precision with a knife and fork it finishes it off lovely and if you're lucky you leave a little bit to the side and that maybe hasn't got so much um soakage in it you then get that and you put that on your fork and you wipe that last little bit so a completely clean plate which reminds me of when I was a kid when I used to lick my plate after my nan, who was uh lived with us, cooked with my mum was hairdressing.

And I go, Look, Nan, look, you haven't given me any dinner, nan, nan, nan, where's my dinner?

Look, look, there's nothing on there, give me an empty plate, nan, that's it.

You know, I could still do that like a stupid, foolish, self-regarding, comedic nine-year-old to my wife.

Look, look, Shane, look, look, look, you haven't given me dinner.

Where is it?

Look, look, I completely clean plate.

Give me a clean plate.

You lick it.

pathetic isn't it i love it

i love it and i love your you've already referenced the self-loathing yeah and i i i love now being able to see it as you're saying it as soon as you started saying you'd give me a clean plate i saw your eyes you're going oh this is pathetic you'd be absolutely perfect it is i mean it's joyfully pathetic isn't it i mean that's i mean i i love that i mean i'm trying to perfect the the you know the the chronically irritating and the um sympathetic i mean it's a bit of a forte really in a sense you know you've got

the bizarre, the deeply sad and the very funny in unison, really.

It's a thing.

You usually got the best kind of drama comedy has that, isn't it?

You know, that great word bathos, where something, when something that is deeply moving and gets you to cry, and then it just becomes pathetic because somebody's overdone it or they use the wrong word at the wrong time.

Do you know what I mean?

Or some comes in and spoils it.

Bathos is such a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Do you think your entire acting career has come from you trying to convince and the

sell to someone that they've not given you any dinner and that they've given you a clean plate?

So, like when you were nine and you were trying to just convince your nan and now still you're doing it to your wife and one day you'll be such a good actor that someone will go, oh, sorry, Timothy.

Yeah, that's a clean plate.

I haven't given you any food.

There you go.

Give you a second meal.

What a brilliant, brilliant.

It would probably have to be them either with amnesia or some kind of goldfish concentration for them to have done that that might help no i think i think it needs to be the ultimate performance is someone who's completely sharp you know they've got they've got all their faculties and your acting is so good that they truly are convinced that you didn't have any dinner yeah i mean that that's better than the oscar that is good that no that's a very good notion because there would have to be tears wouldn't there would have to be silences or you'd have to say okay i i i think i agree with you you you did cook it but i'm only doing that because i don't want to hurt your feelings because you actually you know you are suffering from possibly memory i don't want to because it's unfair and you know i'm crying i'm crying for you

because i know you're not right and you forgot me

but yeah i'm going to pretend

because

all right you did give it to me i'll be then i go did i then they'd start questioning wouldn't they they would start quick you'd have to really lay it on yeah you might have to go out and come back.

Thank God that was an episode.

We've got through that.

And then just,

I'm hungry.

You know,

yeah, you'd have to make sure that you'd cleared away your plate that you'd made with the oxtail bone and the ends of the Padron peppers into a little face because that'd give you away straight away, wouldn't it?

Well, you'd have to eat them.

So there would be a certain, you'd have to eat the marrowy middle, wouldn't you?

That kind of jealous of us thing.

But that is all, you know, that thing everybody that became that.

Do you remember when recently gaslighting, everybody started talking about about being gaslighted nobody talked about that for a long long time interesting that that term should come along from that old you know from that play gaslight which was um you know victorian wonderful victorian play that all of a sudden these anachronistic words have come back to to explain some kind of modern um you know uh unegalitarian abuse yes but that's what you would do you would gaslight someone into thinking they hadn't given you any dinner and then you would get the oscar well yeah or the equivalent yeah um of the gasp I don't know what it would be, the, but yeah, but I mean, that would be, would that be, I suppose, in a sense, all acting is a form of gaslighting, isn't it?

You know, it's a con, you know, I mean, you're just, you're, you're trying to convince somebody that you're somebody else, and they've got to forget that, that, you know, particularly if you've been around a long time, they ask Tim of his, you know, for goodness sake, oh, well, he's doing a nut, he's doing a character.

You know, you hope they're not thinking that, oh, you're not love,

oh, Tim accent, funny.

Well, oh, yeah, you hope they're not thinking that.

You hope they're convinced by it.

But in a sense, that's what you're doing.

You're saying, this is a bloke, I'll turn up with him and believe me for a while.

And you might laugh, you might cry, I don't know.

I mean, but in one form or another, it's a con, isn't it?

It's a very sophisticated, deeply elaborate,

strong, very

largely thought-through con

with others, all conning people, who are willingly paying money to go and be cottoned for entertainment, entertainment.

We come to your dream drink, Timothy.

Now, are we sticking to Cloud Diet Cloudy Lemonade?

Or should I go in, or is it very much a, should I go in for the evening drink?

I don't know.

I don't often have that before six, but I know I might make exceptions.

You know, I mean, there's a whole list of, you know, all the wonderful wines I used to drink and so on and so forth, and all those wonderful things that all go that I've, you know, I've enjoyed.

And I was thinking about that this morning.

People say, oh, would you miss that?

I said, well, I have a nostalgia for that one, all those wonderful big Tuscan wines, your Brunellos, your Tiganellos, your Sablis, and your Vivabrovro and your Finlandi, your vodka's, and the Chatter, you know,

very dry Montraches, and all these amazing things that you could, and German beers, Czech beers, all these words.

I think, well, actually, it's a bit like being a sort of cage fighter for a while.

You know, drink is cage fighting, isn't it?

If you like it and you love it and you explore it to such a degree that I did, that there's a certain shelf life for it.

You can't carry on.

It's a bit like seeing a 60-year-old cage fighter, unless you were a superhero, would be wrong, or a downhill racer.

So I think you have to just say, that was what I did.

Yeah.

And I'll leave that.

So all of those things I listed with a certain, not regret, not missing, with a certain tinge of nostalgia.

I will say they're there.

I've had them.

It was a lovely time.

It was a beautiful time, but it is in the past.

On that note, I'd probably be able to get another, maybe a Marks and Spencer's Cranberry, Fizzy Cranberry Lemonade down.

I really like them.

Or I might go in with the Robinson's and the lemon juice.

Boiling up, though.

It has to be, I sometimes forget and I'll drink it and I'll scald my throat.

And then I think, I feel like I've got throat cancer.

I think I'll start talking in the funny line.

I think, oh, no, I'm going to have to go and get tested.

I've got to get, you know, this is, you know, so the scalding, sometimes, you know, you just have to have it so hot.

But coffee, you can't have, you're going to have, what is it about posh coffee shops?

Really posh coffee shops called things like nink and poop and coughbone and all that stuff.

Kind of, why is the coffee cold?

Why do you have to take and have it hot?

You know, you know, I don't know why.

It's always nice, but it's cold.

You're going to costa or something, it's boiling hot, scalding, you know.

And then I ask it for hot, it's got to be hot.

But then again, I found out the Italian don't have their coffee hot, they like it a bit tepid, so they can taste it.

So I suppose maybe I'm the maybe I'm the uh peasant.

I don't know.

Who knows?

How often when you're having your hot Robinsons,

do you think I've got throat cancer and I need to go for a test?

Is it every time?

No, it's usually after when I feel

or something.

Do I start talking to this old man for God?

Oh, it's the beginning.

Yeah,

oh god, I've got throat cancer.

No, no, actually, I drank water, boiling blackcurrant juice straight out of the cattle.

You haven't got, hopefully, you've got broke cancer.

You've got boiling blackcurrant and lemon throat, not sarcophagus cancer.

You never know.

I mean, you know.

I noticed when I was ill 25 years ago, it wasn't being a hypochondriac.

It wasn't the one I thought I had that got me.

You know, I got over it, thank God.

But being a hypochondriac is no excuse for not getting cancer.

That means you don't want to hear that, do you you know no last thing you want to tell the hypochondriac hypochondriacs can get cancer because hypochondria hypochondria is a way of heading off illness at the past isn't it you think you've got it if you've got it before you've got it then you haven't got it you know

has it ever got to the point where you've been at the doctor and said i think i've got throat cancer can you do some tests and then they've gone we think you've just been drinking hot robinson

yeah i i do i have to pull myself together one of the other things about being an actor is that you tend to have an inflamed, possibly a comedian as well, an inflamed imagination.

And they do, you know, years ago, I said,

the imagination is a beast that needs to be caged.

You know, I mean, that's slightly ponce, isn't it?

But, you know, if it can get out of control, you know, and you can get all sorts of terrible things if you allow yourself.

I mean, having been seriously ill now.

I don't, I do get to give myself a break, you know.

But there is the lingering ghost of that childhood you know i had to go to i was taken to hospital uh to see a psychiatrist by mark because my hypochondria was um so bad as a child there was a bloke who used to walk down that street who had a huge nose big red nose and um somebody said to me you know why he's got a red nose like that and i said no and they said because he had cancer of the nose and they had to use a piece of his bum to stick it on his nose

Three weeks later, my mum caught me crying

in the scullery, not a kitchen eye here.

I'm not Dickens, I'm not in the Dickens double, in the scullery.

He said, what on earth is the matter?

He said, I've got cancer of the nose.

And they're going to make a bit of, tuck it off and put a bit of my bum on there.

He said, well, this is it.

They refer me to a psychiatrist at...

at St Thomas's hospital.

We went there, mummy.

My mum was a very smart woman.

We went there.

And I didn't really know what to expect.

Now, what you've got to realise is that I also was at that time, I was 12, but I was a skinhead.

So I had stayed breast trousers quite high, Ben Sherman's shirt, skinnedhead, cutting part in, braces, and Doc Martins.

Okay.

You're the kid for This is England?

Yeah, yeah, very, but, you know, when Skinheads, well, skinheads then, this was

1971.

the original skin you know i wasn't really a skinner i mean it was like a kid version of you know and i didn't realize i was shown into this room um and it was a lecture theater

full of medical students and i was on a stage my mum was sitting next to me and it was a psychiatrist on a stage and when i walked in all the medical students started to laugh

And then when she said, this is Timothy, he's 12 years old and he is showing signs of hypochondria, they all started tittering again.

I thought, well, even then at the time, i thought it's just a little bit outrageous i remember thinking don't think that's you're supposed to do that when you're a medical student apart from being really humiliated then every time i asked the question i did there was titters there were there were stifled titters from the audience yeah and then i was taken in i was examined and about 10 of these titterers came in i was lying on a table maybe this is where the acting started i don't know i mean oh maybe maybe sympathy or yeah first lunch there's a there's a 100 chance of that yeah it's it's all comes from trauma clearly yeah i mean this is not the worst i mean i didn't obviously i i am growing sort of slightly bulbous nose i think that's just age but um but i know it's not me bum being put on there but uh no i've got through that but i did have a worse piece of hypochondria and we had a we had a very small cactus in our bedroom um once my brother and I shared it in our when we were moved to a council flat and it fell on me and it pricked a little bit And I spent an hour just thinking I was going to turn into a cat.

I thought in the morning, I started to climb up.

I said, what the fuck, what's the matter with you?

I said, cactus falling on me.

I thought, I'm going to be a cactus in the morning.

I'm going to wait.

I'm going to just be a big cactus boy.

So, a big cactus boy.

So,

I was going to be a cactus boy in my bed.

Imagine going, and I'd have to go put me stay pressed on me, bench, and go back to the zone.

And then they would stop laughing.

They would be frightened, wouldn't they?

From a skinhead

cactus boy had turned up in his skin head.

The last thing you want from a skinhead is to be a cactus boy, right?

Because you're not.

Well, for a start, you couldn't be a skinhead because you'd have big spikes sticking out the top of your head.

Well, you suppose you could cut a part in

between the

you thought of that.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, people would, they'd be a bit scared of you, though, wouldn't they?

I mean, I suppose you would probably be a quite intimidating skinhead if you were a cactus skinhead.

Yeah.

The last thing you want is to be nutted by a cactus, right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Because then you become a cactus.

If you were a hypochondriac, you become a cactus too.

Do you think it was likely that all of the medical students have been told before you walked onto the stage?

Next, we've got a little boy who thinks that he's got nose cancer and they're going to put his bum on his nose.

And do you think they knew that before you walked out onto the stage and that's why they were tittering the whole time?

No, I think they laughed because there was a boy coming in with

an acute neurosis who happened to be a chubby little skinhead to boot.

So the incongruity of a chubby little skinhead showing

signs of hypochondriac neurosis was too much for them to bear.

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Let's get on to your dream dessert because

I love dessert.

It's my favorite course.

Although you haven't really mentioned sweets much during this, although, you know your drinks are quite quite sweet i trained myself off them really uh being somebody who's always had a diet thing you know and going up and down and spent a lot of time as a big big guy chubby fat fella i wanted i became thin you know i wanted to i wanted to get rid of it so i kind of trained myself off puddings and and got away from all that you know treacle all that stuff and cakes so kind of you know i went away from them um but just before can i have

I did forget because you remind me, Rave Joe, so many things, just to finish you off, and the oxtail, can I just have a tiny, a little bit of tandoori chicken just to finish off that?

Just three little bits.

Maybe a little, maybe a tiny little skewer chicken shashlik just to finish off because I don't want to think, oh shit, I should have had the shashlik, not the oxtail.

So that is a palate clogger, not a palate cleanser, to clog the palate.

And then I'm doing a little, I'm doing a mime with my hand of a skewer you know the rules if you mime it we have to bring it chicken classic chaser although i'm getting a bit nervous now because it sounds like you're not going to order a sweet food

i am i am

because we have calf lancia uh immunity i believe uh yeah punishment immunity do i have discovered since the uh the remarkable breakthrough of the low-colory ice cream I do treat myself to ice cream, which reminds me, there was always down our street, Wycliffe Road, which ran off

of Lavender Hill when I was a kid, the ice cream van.

And there were two.

There was

Nottoriani's, which was the Italian old-fashioned ice cream made down the bottom of Patty C.

Park Row, bought up in tubs and bought out big spoons.

That was a big, and there was Tony Bell.

which was the soft one that came out like a big, Mr.

Whippy, the original Mr.

Whippy.

And at one point, there was an ice cream debate as to whether which was the best, the Mr.

Mr.

Whippy or the old-fashioned.

And it culminated in the kids in the street shaking poor Tony Bell's van so hard till he went away to allow Notriani to come up.

Mr.

Notiani was an old-fashioned tub of it.

There was a turf war.

There was an ice cream turf war.

Yes, a little bit.

We had to take sides.

So, yes, well, I found myself part of a group of young seven-year-old ruffians shaking the Tony Bell van to make sure it didn't come down.

Were you worried that the Tony tony bell van would fall on you and then you would turn into a mr whippy yeah no they do look like you remember that well you don't you're you're you're young but those ice cream vans were slightly top heavy particularly if they had a big ice cream on the top and a bell in it making a noise which they did you know we're from more from the era where the ice cream van would maybe have a terrible picture of the little mermaid uh spray painted onto it yeah i mean the ice cream i mean i do love it when i hear an ice cream van i mean i don't hear them around here but but where I live in the city, but that is something incredibly evocative about that, isn't there?

Particularly when you hear it on a sunny day in December, you think that's brave.

Someone's gonna, they've had a bad summer.

But the other thing was about that was Sunday lunch.

They must have timed it beautifully.

We'd have our big roast as a family, and then you'd hear that ice cream, come, mum, dad, dad, can we get it?

And we'd get a big dessert bowl and run out and queue up and get them to put the ice cream dollar, make a huge bowl of ice cream in your dessert bowl and take it back and have a tin tin fruit salad or something or tin peaches you know i mean that was so you used to take your bowl you used to take your bowl up big the biggest dessert bowl you could get yeah

go and we'd all run out queue and get then they'd just put low you get can we fill it up mr notchiriani please fill it up and then go and you go back with this big bowl of old-fashioned italian ice cream really different relationship you had with with these two ice cream men.

Please, Mr.

Notriani, oh, this is so nice.

Off, Tony Bell, get the fuck out of here!

Yeah, there was a little bit.

I mean, Tony Bell did give it a few weeks and came back, and all was forgiven.

It was just a face.

Notriani going, yeah, so we'll fill up your bowl as long as you go and kick the shit out of Tony Bell.

I've just got the image of you and all the little kids shaking the Tony Bell ice cream.

Well, I'd like to draw a veil over that piece of seven-year-old delinquency.

And I actually now, all of a sudden, feel very sorry for the person inside that being shaken.

They were frightened i should imagine uh and feared for their lives you know i mean there's lord of the flies all of a sudden down there off lavender is your dream dessert the notriani's ice cream well i think it is a quiet a real beautiful i think a very sizable slab or mound of of of vanilla old-fashioned ice cream and then of equivalent mound a barrow you know like a long hill like a like an earthwork of ice, chocolate ice cream and a barrow of vanilla.

And then I think to go exotic, because it reminds me of going to the seaside down to Marquez as a kid, I think I'd have a banana split.

You get this thing, you cut a slice of banana a long way, put it in, I have a side of the ice cream, I can't remember.

And then with some chocolate, there's a kind of a zigzag pattern across that.

And that would be particularly with the with the taste sensation you as a child of that ice cream, that the wonder of the ice cream after after your sunday lunch you know that would bring that memory back but the ice cream i mean what is it about ice cream there are certain things you put in your mouth and as they go down your throat you go this is magnificent this is almost spiritual and biblical in its sensual pleasure well also it's good for you because you've just burnt your throat on some robinsons it would help yeah and that it would probably be a good idea to have us have a little jug of ice cream next to you every time you're going or get in there quick trouble is when you're you keep your ice cream in the freezer there's a horrible how long do i let it get it out for before i start eating it you know many a time i've actually injured myself by trying to eat frozen ice cream in the top of the slimming ice cream and gone through the top this gone through the planet and into my finger you know and think no i'm made a hole you think oh no it's going to be you can't let it melt you've got to put put it back in.

I'm very, very happy that you've chosen a banana split.

It has a very special place in my heart.

I remember when I was a kid, going for a big meal with my cousins and everyone, and everyone ordered banana splits, and these humongous banana splits came out.

And I was the only one who finished mine.

And then I even helped other people polish off theirs.

And I was very proud of myself.

I love banana splits.

I love that you've chosen it.

Are you having cream on the bananas?

But you said about the chocolate sauce.

You didn't say there was going to be cream in there.

Yeah, I the cream that what the sort of um squirty cream, the aerosol cream, uh, squirty cream.

Um, I don't know why that always,

why that accent for the squirty?

I don't know, just uh, squirty cream.

I don't know, it just seems to go with it, doesn't it?

Um,

the word cream and squirty do lend themselves to the whirral.

I don't know why, yeah.

Um, can you please do the

Wirral character asking for a little jug of squirty cream?

I don't know whether I can deal with it.

I don't know.

Can I do it?

Liverpool's difficult.

I learned it.

Tell you what, mate.

Can I have, don't worry, I cream.

I just have to squirty cream.

Squirty cream.

You can then go up an octave.

Squirty cream.

Up an octave and nasal.

Squirty cleave.

I love it.

Watch out.

You're going to give yourself a bloody corridor if you go up two eyes.

Squirty cream.

Oh, no, I've done my throat enough.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah.

You'll be out in front of the medical students students again.

Yeah, you strained your vocal cords because you were trying to say squatty cream too high in a Liverpool accent.

They'd be absolutely pissing themselves.

I know.

Imagine going to the doctor.

How did you get this throat?

Well, I had hot romins and then I

know I don't want squatty cream because I think the actual cream itself interferes with the mutation of the cream in the ice cream because ice cream is a mutation, isn't it?

It's a scientific

eventuality of a form of cream and milk and so on and so forth so in itself i think bringing in the cream itself exposes its mutation and it's uh bastardized version of the cream or another form so i think these juxtaposition against cancels that one or the other my wife you know when you go to italy and ice cream you get something like that big they they have got the cream machine so you can you know an ice cream is a half a meter high you know which is i know there's a delight in in that.

To me, I'm quite, I think the chocolate sauce and maybe don't know about the red sauce.

No, I think just chocolate.

Don't want the red.

No, too sweet.

And that's that part of the dessert.

Lovely.

There's another phase, which if we're on impunity here.

What's the other phase?

What's the other phase?

Cheese board.

Oh!

You've done something very clever here, Timothy, because if you just picked the cheeseboard, James would have gone mad.

But because you've paired it with a banana split, I think you're going to get away with it.

I am delighted.

This is what I've always wanted people to do.

Are you not allowed cheeseboard normally?

People are allowed it, but I personally think just having a cheese board

as your entire dessert is sacrilegious.

However, I always say to them, why not just have it after your dessert?

And they're like, no, no, no, I want it as my whole dessert.

And it really winds me up.

And the fact that you've chosen a banana split, which is very close to my heart, and you followed it with a cheese board, shows that you respect the rules.

And I'm very happy right now.

And then that was something, you know, that to to to discover you know as i as i got older and then became you know more um aware of other food you know to discover things like breathe a mer uh and uh or breathe a turd as i like to call it because that's what it smells like when you know so and um breathe a merd or breathe a merd which is also a french

which sounds very uh breathe a mer um which is an exquisite runny and camembert and ermintal and sage sage derby and colston bassett uh still

you know speaking my language you know gorgonzola i mean when i was a kid gorgonzola my nan i remember the only experience i had of gorgonzola is my nan who lived up in the top of our house when i was in uh she lived with us all our lives um until she we moved and then she got her own little flat but she'd have a a cheese dish, you know, like a funny, and my brother and I used to run up there and lift it, look at the little piece of Gorgonzola and scream and run downstairs again.

So I didn't, I thought Gorgonzola was a hideous kind of piece of quater mass that was under a dish.

You know, so when I discovered Gorgonzola and Cambozola and then mascarponi and gorgonzola together, I mean, it's like all the aorta-clogging substances, one for each aorta, you know, and then cream crackers.

cream crackers to go with these things.

And of course since I've got older, the wonderful array of, you know, Knaker bread you can go with it.

And having, you know, the privilege of traveling the world from my work and from boating, all the things you discover, all these, you didn't realize that Rye Vita was just the tip of the iceberg.

There are Rye Vitas in Sweden that are the size and the thickness of duvets, stiff duvets.

I mean, that are like eating tiles, but you know, I mean, they are amazing things.

You'd like one of these big thick duvets to go with your children.

A kanaka bread,

like a kanaka bread.

You need a wheelbarrow to beat, you know, or you need a...

Yeah, or I don't think you can beat your simple Jacobs cream cracker.

But there's something so pure, so simple about that.

It's like the king and the simple biscuit is either the digestive or the rich tea.

Simple, unsophisticated in their simplicity, but all the more glorious because of their simplicity.

And I think the cream cracker has that mixture of crispness, crispness, fat, clogginess to the palate, which helps clog the cheese in the mouth.

So I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

Go on and see how you feel about it.

Water, you would like an imperial gallon of Diet Cloudy Lemonade.

Yes.

Poppadoms or bread, spicy poppadom and a plain poppadom with all the relishes.

And Spanish bread with olive oil and balsamic, plus a bread bra of your wife's focaccia.

Yes, breast-heated bread focaccia from my own bread bra.

Starter, a mesae, ramekins of plain crisp with cubes of cheese, ramekin of peanuts, ramekin of olives, ramekin of Maramite crisp breads, a deep-fried artichoke, fish, goujons, and a big bowl of Padron peppers.

Yes.

Main course, oxtail stew with a little bit of chicken shashlik at the end.

Side, fluffy boiled potatoes, crispy roast potatoes, a tin of marrow fat peas, nine fatty chips and some mother's pride white bread.

Yes, to mop up the juice, the sauce, the gravy.

Drink, Marks and Spencer's Fizzy Cranberry Lemonade and a Boiling Hot Robinson's apple and black currant squash with lemon juice.

Yes.

Dessert, Notchiani's ice cream, vanilla and chocolate, banana split, followed by a cheese board.

Yes, yes.

Beautiful, beautiful stuff, Timothy.

Feel good?

I do.

Yeah, I'm a bit peckish now.

A little bit peckish.

Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Timothy Spall.

Well, it's been a delight to talk to you, fellows.

Really, very nice.

I hope your cold gets better.

I'm getting one.

I didn't want to go on about it.

Well I'm not sure if you are getting a cold Timothy after everything we've heard about you.

I think you've talked to someone who's got a cold over Zoom and now you think you're getting a cold.

Yeah exactly.

Thank you Timothy Spawn.

Well there we are James.

What a wonderful time we had meeting the rap dude.

What a great rap dude he was.

A delicious meal, just like his son.

Loads and loads of extra little bits and bobs going on in there.

Loads of little loop holes he found.

not even loopholes just saying if i may a lot and that that tricked us turns out we fell for that just say if i may we'll let people have whatever they want yeah um but no great great episode some lovely revelations in there and some things james that timothy told me he's never told anyone before i really appreciate that i love an off menu exclusive can't wait to read that absolutely butchered to in the tabloids without a mention of where they got it from Yep, completely changing the story so it sounds like he's a maniac or something's wrong with him.

How How do they sleep?

How do they sleep at night?

But Timothy can sleep soundly because he didn't say pilchards.

He didn't say pilchards.

He's allowed to stay in the restaurant.

We're not kicking him out.

We can all breathe a sigh of relief there, actually.

Yes.

In which case, we can also plug his film because he didn't say pilchards.

He's in Spencer, which comes out on Friday.

Go see that.

It sounds absolutely fascinating.

Yeah,

I'm very much looking forward to seeing that.

Also, Ed, everyone's got to vote for us tomorrow in the comedy awards.

Yes, you got

until tomorrow to vote.

Uh, that's what I would say.

Do it now, don't wait until tomorrow, otherwise, you're cutting it fine.

Go to the nationalcomedyawards.com and you can vote for off-menu in best comedy podcast.

How you vote in the other categories, completely up to you.

I'm not involved in any of the other categories.

I think James is involved in all of them, but it's very much the podcast which is the important bit.

I'm only involved in one other one, hypothetical, hypothetic, I call it hypothetic, what

hypothetical

hypothetic, I call it

Highest in HI, comma, pathetic.

Hypothetic, yeah.

Hypothetic Al.

That's what I call it.

And imagine a guy called Al.

Is there anyone called Al who works on the show?

I don't know anyone's names who works on the show.

I actually quite like it.

Done it three times, didn't I?

Yeah, I've done it three times.

I thought you liked it.

I didn't know you thought it was.

I do like it.

You know why I like it?

Because I get to come on there.

And any situation I create, I get to make you do something horrible.

Yes.

Yes.

Once you made me hold a tube to your anus.

Hold a tube to my anus?

Did I make you suck off a mannequin in the last one?

Well, probably.

Yeah, yeah, you made me.

Yeah.

I'm hoping that stuff makes the edit.

It's too hardcore for Dave.

Yes.

Well, that's me.

Too hardcore for Dave.

Apart from every night when I'm on Dave.

Few shout-outs, James, to some people who've sent us some things.

The Scotch Whiskey Society sent us all the lovely little sort of flight of mini bottles of whiskey.

Really appreciated that.

I mean, I'd say appreciated.

I'm halfway through them.

Oh, yeah.

You have little spirits at home, don't you?

You like your little spirits.

Yes.

We've got a bottle of vodka in the fridge.

I won't say what vodka it is, but it doesn't have any additives and it's very clean tasting, James.

Oh, lovely.

So we have our little

whiskeys but clear at home, vodka, as it's note.

So thank you to the Scotch Whiskey Society.

Thank you also to Sak's pants, James.

Jamie Oliver put us on to them.

And when I say put us onto them, literally had some sent to us from the people at Saks.

And we were like, well, we'll see about this, Oliver.

and I know we've talked about it briefly over WhatsApp we've all said different things at different times right now I'm literally in a stage where I look forward to putting them on me too and for me I don't mind saying love the Saks pants as well because that technology means everything's scooped forward and popped at the front yeah and uh well it it tricks the it tricks the eye before Ed got his sax pants He used to walk around the room and his his crotch area was like you'd think he had a jacuzzi going on underneath there because it was all bubbling around and everything was just going on all over the place it was like a fight in a cartoon but it's a you know a dust a cloud a cloud of dust yeah occasionally you'd see a chick a chick a chicken's head poking out of there to see what was going on

yeah i'll be like oh man so it all needs to be scooped into one place and finally it's collected up all yes my nethers and thethers and scooped it all scooped it all into one place so thank you sax for controlling my cartoon fight penis and and testicles yes also we got when we first started this podcast way back in 20 i want to say 18 correct we uh the first like logo that we put out there for our podcast was the words off menu on a jar of marmite yes and i i believe we've stuck with that we've kept it over the years

i actually don't know yeah you believe that though that's fine and now the people at marmite have sent us a jar of marmite that says off menu instead of marmite on it took a while but we're very happy.

Means a lot to us.

And it sits in the office at Plosive Productions where Benito runs his evil empire.

And now and again, if he has guests over, he makes them lick Marmite off his finger and say, You're the boss.

Okay, well, we should probably wrap this up, James.

Oh, well, fair enough.

Parted as such sweet sorrow.

Lovely.

Poetic.

I should have said that to Timothy Spool.

I bet you would have respected that.

Yeah, he would have been.

Too late.

Too late.

I don't bet you at all, mate.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again next week.

Goodbye.

bye

hello my name's Rob Orton and I do the Rob Orton daily podcast the Rob Orton Daily podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short some are two minutes long some are ten minutes long and they are stories and poems.

And basically, all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Roboton podcast is available on Apple, ACAST, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts, and on social media, it is at Roboton Podcast.

Thank you.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.