Ep 126: Jack Dee

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Taking the rice pudding of conversation, putting it in the microwave of good chats, heating it up until the skin forms on the top, and then we take the skin and we eat that, and that's the podcast.

Hmm.

What's up?

Huh?

What's up there?

Helping buddy, you're doing a good job.

I'm really proud of you.

Thank you.

We're the skin.

We're the skin on top of rice pudding.

We're the skin on top of the rice pudding.

Yeah.

We're not the main rice pudding though.

No, no, no.

What's that?

I don't know.

The rest of the podcasts.

All the other podcasts.

Yeah.

The delicious rice pudding and we're the skin on.

We rise to the top.

We rise to the top and the fun don't stop.

My name is James Acaster.

And my name's Ed Gamble and we are skin.

We are skinny boys.

We invite a guest into my dream restaurant.

We ask them their favourite ever started main course dessert, side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Jack D.

D.

Jack D.

Jack D.

Does that mean name?

Does that name mean anything to you?

Well, that's exactly how I wanted that to go.

Yes, it means a lot to me, actually.

National Treas.

We're in National Treasure territory again, are we?

Yep.

Get your shovel.

We're digging for treasure.

We are indeed.

Although I think Jack's just coming in on the tube or whatever.

Yeah, we're not digging him up.

Yeah.

Not today.

But he is indeed a National Treasure legendary comedian, Jack D.

He's also written a book recently, James.

Written a book called What is Your Problem?

Nothing, mate.

I'm just trying to talk about Jack D's book.

Very good joke from Ed.

Not long before I'm a national treasure.

You'll be digging me up soon because of that stuff.

I will be digging you up one day because you will be a national treasure.

That's going to be fun, you know.

Digging me up?

Well, just when my mates become national treasures.

That's going to be a good laugh.

Yeah.

When they go from just being my mates to national treasures and then I'm friends with national treasures.

That's going to be fun.

But don't forget, you'll be a national treasure too.

I'll be a national treasure, so I guess it won't seem as big a deal to me.

But, like, I mean, you know, Josh Whitaker, we know now is like related to Henry VIII and stuff, so like, maybe that means he'll be a national treasure before the rest of us.

He's already got royal blood in him and stuff.

Boring!

Yeah, it is pretty boring.

If you saw that, who do you think you are?

Whew, I'll tell you what, people said it was jaw-dropping.

I was like, Yeah, my jaw dropped when I did a big yawn.

Yeah, and you know what I said?

That my jaw dropped when I did a big yawn, also.

Yeah, ha ha, but Josh.

Anyway, we like Jack D, but we will kick him out of the dream restaurant if he chooses an ingredient that we don't like, the secret ingredient it's called here on off-menu.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

grated mozzarella in a bag.

In a bag.

Yes, grazing mozzarella in a bag specifically.

I don't like any pre-grated cheese, James.

It's all covered in a weird powder.

I don't like it.

Yeah, I don't like any of them.

Mozzarella is the worst because it's so delicious usually.

Yes, we talk on the Off Menu podcast a lot about how Burratta has kind of like, you know, nudged it out of the ring of late.

But still, you know, if I'm making like a crazy salad, I think I'd rather have mozzarella.

Yeah.

So, you know, I wouldn't want grated mozzarella on there.

I can't even imagine.

If you're making your own pizza, surely you want to put some fresh mozzarella on there yourself.

You don't want to put a

grated mozzarella on there.

What I would say is that sometimes you do want the sort of slightly harder, more rubbery mozzarella for a pizza.

Sometimes, I don't know.

It melts differently, but never the pre-grated.

And grated mozzarella in a bag was a suggestion on Twitter from Becks P.S.

Bleasdale!

Yes, indeed.

Becks P.S.

or Bleasedale.

Yes, for short.

One of the two.

Well, if Jack D picks it, and Jack D's talked about pizza before in his stand-up.

I saw him do a whole thing about frozen pizza, but he said he hated it.

Ah, okay, so we might be safe.

We might be safe.

We'll see.

We'll see.

Yeah.

So, can't wait to have Jack in the dream restaurant.

So, let's open the doors now.

Here we go.

It's the off-menu menu of Jack D.

Welcome, Jack, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you very much.

Nice to be here.

Welcome, Jack D to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Well, it's amazing to be here.

And it's so hard to book a table here that

I'm glad I thought in advance and booked the table before you even started the podcast.

You did?

When did you book it again?

Remind us how long ago it was.

It was about

2014.

When I knew you guys were going to be in town and this whole thing was

in the mix and a possibility, I just got hold of your people and we breakfasted and I said, please count me in.

So when you breakfasted with our people,

how far in advance did you have to book the table for breakfast?

That was about four months before they agreed

to that.

So, you know, I put in the legwork to be here today.

And I know it's going to be worthwhile because, you know, I've eaten in some of the best places

in the world.

And they always say, but have you done off-menu with James and Ed?

And I said, not yet.

And they said, well, you wait.

At these other restaurants, that's what they say.

That's what they all say.

You know,

all the big chefs, Blumenthal was saying, oh, they have got some tricks.

Yeah, some I'm excited to be here what are you say you've you've eaten at the best restaurants in the world have you got like a top three have you got a number one when I say I've eaten at the best restaurants in the world

that's a lie yeah you looked absolutely horrified when James started to ask a follow-up question was the for the purposes of keeping that little bit going yeah I lied about that but I'm I'm happy to have lied and I've eaten in some nice restaurants but I don't like posh restaurants very much not very much I've I've done that thing a couple of times where you you think oh yeah, let's go to that one, that restaurant that was on telly and it looked amazing, but you go and it's it's all very

so clever and all that, but I don't, I don't know.

Do you know, I've got this thing where in those restaurants where what I like to do, you know, when they're over attentive, yeah, and they bring the starter to you and they tell you what it is and it's and they point with their little finger as well at the stuff and yeah and it says you have this and you have that and a little bit of foam and oh and then about a second about 20 seconds later they come back and say is everything fine with your meal?

But I've cracked it because I know what to do.

And

is you just go, yeah, it's all right.

And if you do that,

it deflates them.

It puts them in their place.

And they say, oh, we're not as good as we thought we were.

Because if you said, oh, I don't like it at all, they could go, he doesn't understand it.

Yeah, totally, totally.

But it's all right.

This is it.

I understand it, and I think it's all right.

Yeah, and I think it's okay.

I think, frankly, I think you've wasted your life doing this.

but I'm going to eat it anyway.

And that makes you feel good when you do that?

Look, it gives me a more peaceful experience at the restaurant.

So I don't want to be asked every 20 minutes.

I don't want to kind of reassure the guy all the time.

You know, I think, you know, you grow up.

You chose this profession.

You don't need me always telling you how good it is.

I think I've said this on the podcast before, but My dad, if someone is like over-attentive with pouring wine or pouring the water, within the first 20 seconds of them doing that, it'll go, just leave that.

I'm going to do that.

I've got that covered.

I like your dad.

I'm with him on that.

I think he's exactly right.

You just think, oh, leave me.

Or you take a sip of the water and they're back.

Yeah, oh, that's the

worst.

What is your problem?

Yeah,

that is the worst.

When it's one sip and then they top it up and they look at you as if you're meant to be like, you're

really on it.

You're amazing.

Oh, thank you.

And really, you're like.

This is amazing.

It's a glass of water that never gets any emptier.

Which would be fine on its own.

If there was a glass of water that replenished itself,

then I would be telling people about that restaurant.

But this is not what happens.

You've got someone coming to the table wanting you to admire them for being so diligent.

And that's not why I'm there.

I'm there to eat a meal.

I think you would really get on with Ed's dad.

I felt like you'd have a lovely meal together in absolute silence

with no waiters daring to come over.

I think it'd be great.

It sounds about right to me.

It sounds about right.

So you're not like a massive foodie then?

Look,

I'm not massively into going to every restaurant that I hear about.

That is not really my bag, but I do love food.

I love food and I spend a lot of time thinking about food and I can cook.

Even when I'm on the road, I make sure that I eat...

fresh food.

I never eat fast food.

I can't do it anymore.

Once you stop, you can't go back to it.

I remember stand-up routine of yours about frozen pizza.

Do you remember that?

No, what did I say about that?

Absolutely loved it.

It was a video that me and my brother used to watch a lot.

It's the one where you wear the orange suit, I think.

You say that you look like a Sainsby's manager.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I know that.

I remember

that too.

I can't remember the frozen pizza, but.

My favourite line of it is you saying how much they've nailed it and you do a thing of pinching yourself and going, am I in Rome?

Pinch your own leg.

Yeah.

I think about it every time I have a frozen pizza.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never heard you do an impression of me before, but that was was

spotlight, wasn't it?

I had to pinch myself too

while you were pinching yourself to do that.

To think, who am I looking at?

Yeah,

he's good at impressions.

It's a mirror.

I'm very good at impressions, yeah.

Yeah, no, I know, because I have heard this podcast, so I know I know you have a talent, you have a gift, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's something you can do, and you use it so well.

How about you, Ed?

Do you do impressions?

Uh, yeah, who do you want me to do?

I do everyone, yeah.

You do everyone.

Can you do

everyone does uh, can you do michael crawford from it ain't um from some mothers do have them which is gonna alienate your demographic yes yeah and what sort of things did he say he used to say um

betty oh betty ooh betty not yeah betty yeah like um bop all right yeah government he used to say ooh betty yeah yeah yeah

the cats don't whoopsie in my slippers the cats don't whoopsie what the fuck is this show you've got a book out that's exciting i have yes i've got i've got an impression of a book out and yeah

It's me being an agony uncle and

helping the country with their issues and dilemmas, giving advice, being, you know, people turn to me in a time of crisis.

It has happened all my life.

And

this last year has been no different.

So that's what the book is.

These are real letters from real members of the public.

They are.

They were fielded and brought in by the publisher.

The publisher did a mail-out.

So

in as far as you're actually still a member of the public, if you're on a mail-out list from a publisher, then that is the case.

How would you describe your advice style, Jack?

I think it's down to earth.

I think it's

a kind of take it with a pinch of salt type of thing.

Step back and maybe see if you can laugh at the problem as well for a bit and don't take yourself so seriously.

And

it's sometimes I feel people

we live in a culture where everyone's hugging each other.

And I think that needs to finish.

I think we should slap each other more often.

Yes.

I think a slap brings you back to earth.

And in a way, this book is a slap around the face,

if there was ever a literary version of that.

Do you want to name some people that you've slapped in the past?

Give some shout-outs?

Yeah,

I've given the pretty hard slap.

There was

an ice cream man who came down our road much earlier than he should have.

And I had a bit of a to-do with him, and he actually stepped out of his ice cream van.

Now, have you ever seen an ice cream man not in his ice cream van van?

Because they're

it's just a different thing, and he's not in his right environment.

And

I found it threatening,

and it's a flight-or-fight moment.

And

I choose to fight.

Yes.

And so he he got a slap.

Yeah.

What I call a 99.

He got a.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that sorted it.

He hasn't been around since.

He wouldn't come back again.

No.

If we gave you some of our problems, would you be able to agne-uncle us?

It depends.

I've sensed there might be some pretty heavy issues going on.

Well, we could give you problems that we've already solved.

Oh, right.

And then you could tell us, and if, you know, see how close you were to the actual solution.

That's almost like a trip problem, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Go on.

You go first.

What was yours?

I mean, that's a hospital pass, isn't it?

You set up the premise and then pass it to me first.

What?

I know what you should say.

You've absolutely dropped me in it there.

I know what you should do, though.

What?

Do you have a operation you had?

What?

I'm not going to ask Jack about my penis operation.

Just ask him.

Describe your symptoms and see if he will get the answer, mate.

Alright, okay.

I didn't hear any of that, so I've got no clues or anything.

Jack, I'm so sorry.

This is the first time we've met each other.

Yeah.

And James has forced me into this position.

Alright.

And I don't imagine this is the sort of letter you got from

the people on the publisher's mailing list.

Jack, and there's already been a solution to this.

I don't want you to worry too much.

Okay.

I've got quite a tight foreskin.

Right.

Apparently, you're supposed to be able to sort of pull it all the way back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But mine doesn't really do that.

It just sort of stays quite tight at the end.

Like someone's like, almost like someone's sort of tied a bag, you know, like a carrier bag.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

Ah.

Yeah.

So.

The trouble is, when you tie a knot in a carrier bag, you can't really use it again.

No.

So

that would be difficult i think you need to uh you need to you well that needs a snip doesn't it you need to go get it done go that needs a small operation yeah and i think that needs that needs you know scissors yeah and clean scissors how much should he chop off the entire end or just the um it just the foreskin to be kind to ed let's talk in percentages rather than measurements yes yeah so i think

i think i think probably we're talking the top 10% needs to be trimmed.

And then I think you can expect it to be

a slow recovery.

Yeah.

And but that would, that I think is what would sort of sort of, I mean, it's a very, it is a very common point.

So good advice, Jack.

Yeah.

Now, James, your turn.

We start, there's still a sparkling water.

Your turn for a problem.

Huh?

Your turn for a problem.

Hmm.

Okay.

Ask Jack about your depression.

Oh, yes.

Jack, D, do you have still a a sparkling water?

Every time I'm in a,

I like a sparkling water because it's good for your digestion.

I tell you, I've had very bad heartburn in the past.

This is, you know, boring but true thing.

And

I actually find sparkling water is the one thing.

So

I have a small tin of sparkling water nearly everywhere I go in case I get heartburn because it's so uncomfortable.

So I've got them in the golf compartment of the car.

I've got them on my bedside table.

I've got, you you know, I've got one in my desk drawer at home, sparkling water.

So that was always what I have.

You would not think that something fizzy can sort out heartburn yourself.

I don't understand why it works.

I don't understand why it works.

It doesn't help with penis problems, but it's a magic cure for images if it did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I suppose you could use a can.

Pour some sparkling water on your penis.

Yeah, in a way, yeah.

Yep.

Could do it.

Fizz the problems away.

So that's that's how we got we got back to dick jokes from

Not

still all sparkling.

Not bad stuff.

So right now,

how many cans of sparkling water have you got stashed in different places?

Probably seven or eight.

Wow, at least.

Yeah, seven or eight.

Do you remember where they all are?

Or are you sometimes in a situation like when you find a fiverr in your pocket, you're just like, oh, there's a can of sparkling water in there.

I've got them so strategically placed and I'm so used to knowing that they're there that I do it.

And it's funny enough, I don't actually get heartburn that much anymore but the the sparkling water's there because you know I'm no fool I know that these things can reoccur and then and then I don't want to be caught out what brand are you going for every all right if you if you if if you want to put me on the spot brand-wise

you can get small cans of Perrier you know not the bottles but the pan and and the reason Perrier is very fizzy yeah and it seems to be the fizzy thing that makes it work.

I don't know whether CO2 shortage is going to be a problem.

Sure.

Are you scared about that?

You worried?

Well, I am a bit, but then CO2 is a weird thing, isn't it?

Because it's got this kind of split personality.

Because in one way, it's just used for making fizzy drinks, which is a lovely thing.

And then on the other hand, it's used for shooting animals in the head.

So where do you go?

What's with CO2?

It's a strange thing, isn't it?

There are not many elements in the universe that have got that brand dual personality.

Yeah, there's not many things I can think of.

Yeah.

That are used for shooting animals in the head, but also quite nice.

Actually make for a nice party drink.

Yeah.

Also, Perrier, did you win the Perrier?

Ah, well, thanks for bringing that up.

I didn't.

I was nominated, though.

I was nominated.

Okay.

I thought you'd won.

No, no, no, I didn't, but I was nominated.

They only gave him the small cans.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You always get the small one.

Yeah, yeah.

Who once?

Oh, some bloat called Frank.

I forget his second name.

And another bloat was Eddie...

But

it's all past history now, but it doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Poppin' up and saw bread!

Poppin' up a softbread, Jack Diddy!

Poppin' up a softbread!

I think it would probably be bread because maybe it's discriminatory of me to say that poppa doms don't suit other food.

I love a pop-a-dom when I'm having curry,

it's got to be a go-to, but it's.

I haven't planned to eat curry at this meal, so it'll be bread.

Do you like curry though?

I love curry.

Do you like the smell of curry, Jack?

Um, I like the smell of it when I'm cooking it.

Do you like the smell of curry when you're performing when you're on stage?

Oh, I know where this is going.

I know where this is going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This was, um, do you know that

Ivo Graham?

Yeah, yeah, right.

He's a comedian.

yeah

he's a right bastard yeah and he he was uh doing my support on a little bit of a warm-up tour that I was doing about four years three or four years ago in fact no we were we were sort of spitting the bill because we were both trying out new material but technically he was my support on that and um he'd done a support in this little theatre in uh Hayward's Heath or somewhere like that or yeah and um and then I was on stage

you know doing my shtick and talking and you know, having a...

And I could suddenly smell curry.

And I thought, what's going on?

And I said to the audience, anyone else smell curry?

And I looked in the wings.

And what it was, Ivo Graham had set himself up with a little table.

and a full-bloody curry while he was watching my show from the from the wings and he he's telling that story like it was a good thing that he did

without realizing you know that

and then another one he didn't even turn up on time.

So I ended up being his support act.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I warmed him up, and then he arrives like some, you know, some big diva with a big fur coat on, and, you know,

and I had to sort of get the train home while he had a great time with the audience that I just warmed up for him.

You didn't think to order a takeaway and eat it at the wings.

I should have thought if I'd been quick enough thinking or vindictive enough, that is exactly what I would have done.

But I didn't, no, but he's, yeah.

I believe actually, according to Ivo, what you said, you didn't say, Can anyone smell curry, you said, Can anyone smell cuppa soup?

Ah, well, I'll tell you why.

I would have confused that because nearly all theatres backstage smell of cuppa soup.

That's right, that's such a good observation.

They smell of cuppa soup and microwaved ready meals that the crew get ready for themselves.

Christ knows what their colons are like, but then those places stink of that stuff, and it's partly why I can't eat it.

I cannot eat that stuff.

You can't eat cuppa soup, can't eat any of that stuff that's got all that all those dry ingredients in, any powdered garlic and stuff.

It makes you feel sick to smell it.

Some of them have got little dry bits of sweet corn in as well.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

you know, anything that also appears in a turd is not what you want on your plate, is it?

Have you ever tried cupboard soup?

I have tried one back in the long, long, long time ago, and no one will know this, but there was an actress called Thora Heard,

who, a very old lady, and she used to advertise cup of soup.

And I thought, okay, fair enough.

If

you put yourself out to say it's nice.

So I'll try it.

And I did, but

I didn't think it was as good as she said it was on the advert.

But you trusted her.

I trusted her.

That was before I heard.

Never again.

Young bunk cuppers.

Yeah.

So, bread, let's get on to the bread because I was so eager to talk to you about Ivo eating a curry side of stage that we got distracted somewhat.

That was a race, by the way.

Yeah.

As soon as Jan said popped up, I was like, right, I'm going to have to ask about the curry.

And what's interesting is neither of us mentioned that we were going to talk about that in this episode, but we both knew that it was going to come out.

It's like competitive interviewing.

I've never had this before.

Yeah, is that what it is?

What kind of bread we're talking?

Well, I mean, I do like,

obviously, I like proper bread.

I love chapata.

That's probably my favorite.

Or possibly for catcher sometimes.

I know, depending what I'm going to eat.

But I've made bread in the past.

I made bread a bit.

And I'm one of these people, if I start doing a thing, I get into it.

And then I and then I sort of said, I know, oh, I know, I'll always make our bread now.

I'll never buy another loaf of bread.

And, you know, there's gonna be my thing that people don't know about me.

And it's, oh, you know, Jackie never buys bread.

He always makes his.

Oh, does he?

I didn't know that about Jack.

And then, but after about a month, I got so fed up with it.

It was so, it's so repetitive, you know, so repetitive.

And I tried the sourdough thing, and

that again,

yeah.

Have you ever tried making sourdough bread?

I've not.

No, I keep thinking about it, and then I look up how to do it, and you have to get the starter and all of that.

You have to get the starter.

There's a baker's near us that does a really nice sourdough.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Why put a nice baker out of business just because you want to show off to your friends?

Why not better to say, I've got a nice baker up the road, and I've got some bread from him, rather than, oh, look at me, I've made some bread.

So, what's the starter?

What's that?

Well,

I'm surprised you've not asked if I've got any allergies.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, in a lot of restaurants, they do that now, don't they?

Yeah, that's true.

Any allergies, yeah.

I mean, have you got any allergies?

No.

Okay.

But you like being asked?

I like being asked because it's part of the experience.

But

you're asking about the sourdough starter.

You're not asking for Jack's starter.

Yeah, you guys mentioned you have to have a starter for the bread.

Good spot, yeah.

So I was asking what that is.

Oh, you don't.

Okay, so, well, sourdough bread is made,

you begin the process of making bread.

Instead of adding yeast, you add a bit of live bread dough into it, and that contains

the rising agent in it.

And you try to do that?

Yeah, so you have to keep it going in your cupboard, this starter.

So, you put and then you've got to keep feeding it with water.

So, it's like a pet, right?

Oh, it is like a pet.

It's like a shit pet that you keep in the cupboard and you feed it every day.

And then, and I overdid it, and the lid had come off, and it was all coming all off the shelf and just blurring out like a sort of uh and but no it's it I had to take it to the vet and have it put down again

it was the kindest thing possible but you know

so before we move on your starter do you have any allergies no I don't no no if I said you know when you leave here you have to have acquired an allergy what one would you of all the allergies what one would you most like to walk out of here with there aren't that many cool allergies are there I wouldn't mind being allergic to something like

plasticine, right?

Just saying, I can't go near it.

I can't have it near me.

So, if you know plasticine.

Because you don't want to go near plasticine anyway, right?

That's a convenient allergy because no one is really going to have plasticine with them unless you go to a crash or something.

That's not going to happen.

So, you could live with that one.

But other ones are just a nuisance and it's just a way of people,

it's attention-seeking.

Yeah.

That is in my book.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, how much attention do they get get when they've got

an allergy?

It depends how ill they get.

You know, and I'm not saying I could ignore them, you know.

I would help, but I still think it's.

Yeah.

Really?

Did you have to?

When they're there, they're all ballooned up.

I know, yeah.

Come on.

Did you have to?

Yeah.

Slapping them.

Splats the atmosphere.

Yeah.

But no, I've no allergies.

No.

So your starter, your dream starter.

Dream starter, I'm thinking I'm going to go for.

I like oysters.

I do like oysters,

but Jane, my wife, doesn't isn't that keen, but we've come up with a solution whereby

if you can grill the oysters with a delicious bit of

little bits and pieces on top of it,

you can improvise really, but a nice bit of bread crumbs, even a tiny bit of garlic, some tiny chopped up chorisa or something like that, you can do that.

Or you can do the more classic ones.

There's a spinach one you can do.

You put a little bit of spinach on top and grill it, and it's then it's delicious you know it is a very nice thing i like i like i like an oyster i like them raw really but i i would do that for my starter grill them just gent not too much so that the actual meat of the oyster is still nice and you know succulent is very delicious it is very good variety all the different combinations you just mentioned would you want all that on a on a tray uh i might do that yeah i might i might uh what so i actually do it at the table in in front of my guests well yeah you could i mean look if you want this is your dream meal.

Yeah.

But if you want to cook at your dream meal,

you're very welcome to.

I might have a table-side raclette, you know, like I can, so I can actually just do it at the side of the table.

You really don't want the waiters to come over at all, do you?

I would rather they didn't, and then I can do it all and serve it up at the table.

But little bits of that would be very nice.

I think that would be a classy starter.

Would you like to

shuck yourself?

I can do my own shucking,

but I wouldn't mind them already open, to be honest.

It's pretty hard.

It's quite hard work.

It is quite hard work.

And I wouldn't, you've got to hold them right and then get the, and there's always a chance you could, you know, put the knife through your wrist.

And again,

that's a vibe killer

attention.

For a restaurant, isn't it?

It's like muscles that are like that.

I was very put off ever ordering muscles.

Are you?

I'm fine.

Forget it.

Yeah,

I heard you saying that.

Because you, on another version of this podcast where you said you weren't into the muscles.

I mean it.

And also

once I was at a restaurant and you sat down and on the table already was a jar of pistachios and

it was just the menu, you didn't order stuff.

So this

bought you whatever

and it was muscles.

And at one point, I said, with muscles and pistachios on the table.

I was like, how strong do they think I am?

Opening all this stuff.

Well, pistachios are the vegan muscles, aren't they?

Yeah, they're vegan muscles.

Little tiny vegan muscles.

I had to form them that way, but yeah, you're right, you're right.

But you don't have to be strong to open a muscle.

They're already open, mate.

Do you use one empty muscle as a tool?

That's what I was told to do.

That's what I really do.

You use them as a pincer.

A pizza pincer tools.

I don't do that.

No.

No, but will it be covered in all of the sauce?

No, no, no, no.

Once you've kind of got it clean, you can just use it as a lovely little

thing.

That's a proper

life.

I'm not tired listening to it.

Well, you're tired because you don't do it right.

You've gone the wrong way around with it.

That's why you're struggling with the muscles.

But they taste nice, don't you think they taste nice?

Yeah, I do, but not nice enough that it's worth the effort.

Oh, right.

Okay.

I want it to be worth the effort.

You know, I feel the same about prawns in their shells sometimes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I would go, I don't mind doing a prawn in the shell, but then there's you get, you know, crab and lobster where you're actually having to get hammers and proper tools in to do it.

That is, that's hard work, isn't it?

Yeah.

And if you're someone in, like, not like us lot, but if you're someone who, like, you know, you work as like a mason or something like that, it's a busman's holiday, isn't it?

You're there to have a nice evening.

Yeah, you'd be able to do it.

But

I'm very adept at all that.

I'm good at it because I've worked in restaurant kitchens in my past life.

So I've prepared all that stuff.

You burnt a man's hand.

I know how to do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you know that?

No.

Jack once burnt a man's hand, scolded his hand with boiling hot water.

Because he asked for a finger bowl.

Yeah.

But

asked for it by clicking his fingers at me, yeah.

Oh, right, fair enough.

You won't be clicking your fingers again tonight.

I would never ever click my fingers at a waiter.

I use the muscle shell, it's much easier.

Yeah, you just click it together,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You mentioned your wife, Jane, a minute ago.

I did, you uh, you talked about a lot when you were in Big Brother and how much you love her, yeah, yeah.

Is that still the case?

Yeah, yes, it is.

Yeah, she's she's she's gone the distance.

We've been together since 87 or something, 1987.

And then what year were you born?

85.

85.

Okay, so yeah, so a long time.

That is a long.

Now I'm talking to people who were babies when I met her.

So that's cool.

And so, no, I think she's probably a keeper.

I've come to that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

How much do you love her, you reckon?

Sometimes there are times when you think, well, I don't know,

is this worth it?

Can I really keep this up forever and ever?

Is that what we're into?

But, you know, it's a funny thing, isn't it?

You know, love.

You can't turn it off, can you?

Well, maybe you can.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Some people, maybe some people.

These are genuinely the sorts of questions that James asks outside of the podcast as well, by the way.

When his friends start going out with people, he will start asking them about love as if he's an alien.

Yeah.

You're in love, are you?

What does that feel like?

You're like Spock or someone who

doesn't understand human and

really wants to be involved.

I like hearing about it.

Do you think that encounters with people like Ivo Graham, who you describe as a bastard, do you think that that helps you really appreciate how much you love your wife and what a good relationship you've got?

Yes, yes, because when you meet someone like Ivo Graham and realise that, you know,

that's the other end of the spectrum.

Yeah.

You've got people you love at one end, and then you've got people like Ivo Graham at the other end who eat curry in the wings while you're trying to entertain people.

You know, completely beyond the pale, really beyond redemption.

So yeah, it does, in a way, it is a yard stick.

You can measure your love for someone by what you consider, what you think about Ivo.

Ivo proximity is

what it's known as.

We all do it.

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What's the main course that's following those up?

I love, um, it's probably my favourite dish probably is comfy duck, comfy duck.

That's what I like, comfy.

So, you know what that is.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Go for the listeners who don't know, John.

It's quite defensive, the way you come up with that one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I don't know.

Yeah, just because I'm from Kendall, don't pick that up.

I'm from Kettering.

Kettering, yeah, Kettering, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got material about Kendall as well, though.

Kendall mint cake.

I have got Kendall, but I did catch.

Are you impressed by how much I know about your career, Jack?

I'm quite.

I've known about the Finger Bowl.

Yeah.

I've known about the frozen pizza.

I don't know about your Kendall mic.

And Jack didn't even remember the frozen pizza material.

I'm always being nice about material.

I just don't remember it.

Once I stopped doing it, I don't remember it anymore.

It's a thing, it's gone.

The Kendall mint cake, who too?

Kendall mint cake, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you halfway up

a mountain and you've got your Kendall mint cake?

Yeah, that's how you say it for your gritted teeth.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you at the point now, Jack, where you've done material on everything you've ever come across, though?

I imagine I probably have.

I've done whole routines on stuff and then remembered that I actually did that routine 20 years ago.

I haven't written it at all.

I just remembered it.

Plagiarizing yourself.

Oh, wow, this is coming, this stuff's flowing out of me now.

It's great.

I should jog my memory more often.

But yeah, I've, you know.

Do you still not like Kendall Mint cake?

Kendall mint cake is just a lump of minty sugar.

That's all it is.

It doesn't deserve to be called a cake.

It's not a cake.

It's nothing to do with cake.

If you went on Bake Off and said I'm making Kendall Mint cake, they'd say

that doesn't count.

Cake.

And you would never get the handshake from Paul Hollywood.

You've done that, haven't you?

You did Bake Off.

I did Bake Off, you know.

Yeah.

Did pretty well.

Did you watch James's episode of Bake Off?

I'm afraid I didn't, no, because I was out

that night.

What happened?

Was it...

Went pretty well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They make worse stuff of sugar, though, on that.

Yeah, they do.

Don't they?

Oh, they do, yeah.

I mean, they make some right cack, don't they?

Come up some right rubbish.

Actually, in my show at the moment, I do a whole thing about celebrity bake-off.

I do.

Do you?

Yeah, because I've been asked to do it a few times, and I've just, I don't know,

the routine is about why I won't do it.

You won't do it.

But you did celebrity Big Brother.

That's more subject, isn't it?

That's partly why I won't do it because I learned early with all that stuff is don't do stuff with the word celebrity in it really.

I suppose basically what it is.

But you did not you nailed that.

I did, yeah, but I was in a way I was kind of lucky because it was the first ever version of it.

Yeah.

And Big Brother was a novelty and

the first celebrity one was a novelty and it was for comic relief.

And

so I almost treated it like being in a sitcom.

You know, think of everyone as a character.

Think of yourself as

what character are you in this?

And just play along to that.

And, you know, all the other

people just sort of did their thing.

I can't even remember who else was in it.

But you escaped the harsh.

I remember you escaping, yeah.

Do you think you could escape the tent?

If you went on bake-off, do you think you could escape the tent and they wouldn't notice it?

It depends what the security is like, because

it can be surprisingly quite harsh.

But I got out of Big Brother quite easily as it happened it wasn't difficult and they you know it is enclosed but it i did find a way out so um it i'm uh i'm i i it it's one of those things i i i i'm i'm i probably if i was on bake off i think i might have some sort i might have a standing knife in my back pocket so i can cut the tent open and just get out you know just get out and run i wish i'd thought of that actually

this duck confi confy duck yeah you'll just describe the best one you've ever had to the listeners well i think the um the the thing with confy duck is is the dish that is is duck it's duck leg and and and uh uh basically and and and thigh that is is cooked very slowly in in in fat and um and the reason for doing that is you can preserve it into a jar and keep it and eat it in the in the winter when when there aren't ducks around or whatever but anyway

I was with you I was with you all the way through that description.

I let myself down there.

really did.

But oh, no ducks.

Never mind.

I got one in the jar.

But that means, therefore,

it is a dish that's a preserved dish, as it were.

So actually, the ones that you can buy, if you buy in a nice food shop, you know, even if it's in a tin or a jar, a glass jar, comfy duck, is probably that's almost the best I've had, really.

Some of the good ones, yeah.

So it's a thing I do at home quite a lot.

Right.

And then I, and has the added benefit that you can lie about it and say you did it.

And people say, oh, how did you do this?

I got the recipe.

I'll send it to you later.

But

that is a delicious thing.

I love it.

So

it's really slow cooked.

It's very slow and tender.

It's incredibly tender and melt in the mouth.

I love it.

Do you think you could catch a duck?

If you had to do something, like make your own duck coffee?

I'm not sure about it.

Yeah,

I might be able to catch a duck if it was in a small enough room.

Yeah, yeah.

How big a room would talk in?

Slightly bigger than a duck.

Slightly bigger than a duck, probably.

A squash court?

Yeah, not in a squash court.

I wouldn't have a chance.

I would not have a chance.

Because they can stay above you, can't they?

Yeah, you can do that.

There's got to be a low.

It would have to be a low-ceilinged, very small room.

Yeah.

where there's basically nowhere to go.

A portaloo or something.

A portaloo, possibly, but then that's not very appetising.

But yeah.

I suppose with a squash court, if I had a squash racket, I might be in with a more of a chance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, some squash courts have that viewing gallery.

Yes.

They could escape through there, so you'd need to park with that.

And then you're done for you.

You're not ever going to get there.

Really taunt you.

The duck could get up to the viewing gallery and just watch you from the gallery.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because when they quack as well, it sounds a bit like they're saying Jack.

So that would be really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now I can't believe we're all doing it now.

What if you, here's a question for you, Jack.

What if you went down to the pond to catch a duck or whatever, or you're looking at all the ducks and you're thinking about comfy duck and how much you do?

Yeah.

And one of the ducks went

at you and said, Jack D, said your full name.

Yeah.

How would that affect the rest of your day?

Do you think you'd go and tell people about it?

Do you think you would worry that you were crazy and that maybe you'd just imagine the duck?

And would you enjoy comfy duck as much the next time?

Because people would say to you, Jack, it probably just said quack.

Probably just quacking.

I'd probably keep quiet about it.

I think I'd just think my adverse.

I would just file that under things that never happened and then just

move on from that moment.

Do you even tell Jane?

No, I wouldn't.

No, I wouldn't tell Jane.

I wouldn't tell anyone.

I would keep that to myself.

I'll go to the grove with that.

That a duck said my name out once.

So would it affect the next time you have Comfy Duck, would you like it as much?

Because obviously you can still remember when the duck said your name.

It's an interesting point, isn't it?

And

it might slightly haunt me, really, if I felt that

what I'm eating had once actually wanted to start a conversation with me.

Make it difficult for you.

It would.

I wonder what Elsie would have said.

Yeah, I now want to ask you

different things that animals could do to you and whether you would tell Jane about it.

So if a rabbit waved at you with its little paw

and did a little nod as it was waving, Would you tell Jane?

I wouldn't because

Jane takes those things too seriously.

She'd want to know which rabbit, where was the rabbit, and I'd have to go into all the details.

And

I'm not good at chatting, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

I said, look, that's all there is to it.

There was a rabbit waved and nodded.

There's nothing more to say.

I don't know any more about the rabbit than that.

So that I would find difficult.

So that's why I don't say much Yeah, because people always want to know a bit more what if a horse opened your car door for you

If if if that happened, I mean

Well, no, I wouldn't because I don't I think she would find well

Why did the why was a horse opening your car door?

And I'd say well, I don't know why I don't know why that happened, but it did happen and then but she'd want to go she'd want to get to the bottom of it

and find out what actually happened.

And

and I'm just not good at I'm just not good at that.

I'm not a detail person.

I'll just say, look, it happened.

Just take my word for it.

You don't need to know anymore.

Neither do I.

That's just as well because I don't.

So you can't imagine a situation where an animal would do something out of the ordinary to you and you ever tell Jane about it?

I don't think, I think I'd keep it all to myself.

What if it was the pet that was in the house and you could even say to her it was that goldfish right there?

I suppose if it was if it was uh if it was a pet, I might I might kind of

tell Jane as an observation that the the the the the goldfish waved at me yeah

with its little paw and then nodded and that was a nice moment and she's oh did he yeah that's nice

it's you know worth keeping the goldfish for that I'm very excited that you've chosen duck confi confi duck because I do love duck and I think it's underrepresented on the dishes.

It is underrepresented and I don't think we've had a confi duck.

We haven't.

It's the first time that dish has been chosen.

Well I'm pleased about that.

a dream side dish yeah dream side dish really would be uh something like uh you know those little i think i think it's called pom-pomentier where you've got the little cubed potatoes that are fried with bits of bits of lardon and stuff that's a very nice thing it's quite a rich thing to have with it but if i wasn't being indulgent it would be something like um you know green beans and and i i i love green beans

Yeah, I like a green bean.

You can do everything with them.

They're great.

You've had them squeak in your mouth?

They do squeak in your mouth, don't they?

I hate them.

Horrible.

You don't like it?

Horrible.

That puts me off a green bean if it squeaks in my mouth.

I can't eat the rest of it.

So a nightmare meal for you would be green bean, halloumi,

and mice.

I love halloumi, but the squeaky squeaky element does put you off.

And then if the mice were there as well, and then somebody scraping their nails down a chillboard and then like moving a bit of polystyrene around as well.

I've I've got a problem with like forks on plates and stuff.

I don't like that.

But it doesn't bother me with the green beans.

If you cook them like the French cook them, they cook them for quite a long time.

So they're much softer.

And they put a lot of butter in the water with it.

And then they've got they're very succulent and not squeaky.

The butter lubes it up to an extent that the squeak goes.

It does, yeah.

I never heard I thought I'd hear those words in the same sentence.

So you like things that are cooked for a long time oh well let's jump into conclusions James no you just duck the beans

oh okay all right yeah but the uh the the really the oysters are like it's a flash you just you basically just show them the grill yeah so I like I like that French way of doing it partly because especially if I'm in a restaurant I don't want the chef to to go any you know have any shortcuts like that's when you get your squeaky beans and that's because he just couldn't be bothered to cook them long enough so they don't squeak anymore and that that annoys me I don't mind the squeak but it annoys me that they're squeaking because it's a lazy chef do you complain have you ever complained in a restaurant i've

once uh i've i've once or twice i suppose i've said like this isn't quite right this isn't what

yeah no i never clicked my fingers never clip my fingers my wife once did and then that and we had to leave because

It was really long time ago.

And we were having this meal in Bristol in a sort of gastro pub place and we're surrounded by other punters and everything like that and Jay said, it's not very nice here, is it?

I said, no, it's not.

The food's not very good.

And I said, no, I'm sorry about that.

I'm looking to try and find somewhere else.

And then the next thing, she literally just said, cooked a cunt.

And I looked up and she was just eating as if nothing had happened.

And everyone was looking around, couldn't see who'd said it.

And

I started eating as well, pretending I, because she did that, and she might deny it but she did say that

and I afterwards we come out I said what did you do that for just you know she said I just needed to know what it would feel like

well you know you know

everyone looked over and saw you by that point you were well the great thing was everyone was looking everywhere because no one knew where it came from you know

it was just

I respect it yeah so do I I know I know I respect that so are we going with the um with the cubed potatoes or the or we're going with the slow green beans for your dream side?

I think that could be very good, very good meal, yeah.

But which which one are we going for?

Oh, I'm going to go for the because it's a special occasion, I think it'll be the potatoes, yeah.

Potatoes.

So they're like they're cubed potatoes with lardons.

Yeah,

they're sauteed with lardons and like little mini roast potatoes.

Nice.

And they're beautiful and you've got the the flavour of the lardon or whatever we have with it.

It's really nice.

I feel like it's a shame to not give Jack the beans as well.

Yeah,

because think about that, how that round meal, the duck, and then the

luxurious potatoes, and then the green beans.

That would be nice.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll go with that.

I mean,

you described each dish so nicely that I think giving you those, you know,

I think I'd like to eat those.

So, yeah, I'll happily bring them over.

Where's the best place you've had this potato?

What's this potato thing got a name?

I think it is pompomentia.

I might have got that wrong.

I might be getting my, because there's so many potato dishes.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's just everything, pom, everything, you know.

There's pomperizien, maybe it is, I can't remember.

Pomba.

Pom-bas.

Pom-bares, or pom- pom-poms.

I don't know.

It could be any pom.

If there are people who know what it is, who are listening, they'll say, no, you're wrong, Jack.

Or they might say, yeah, you're right, Jack, if I am right.

But that, that, so that's, I really should have looked that one up.

But that's what I would like.

Where I've had it is it's a classic sort of brasierie dish do you know what i mean where you go to a nice braserie the origins of that is french and that is uh that's exactly the style of food i love french well french brasierie you know i don't want i don't want it too messed around i don't like food that looks like it's being put on the plate with tweezers and you know it looks like all the chefs have had their fingers on it you know though because you have to you know oh that's very nice it's all in the tower i wonder how you got it in a tower but what are you so you imagine all to get it in the tower all the chefs come and they hold a different spoon.

All their little fingers.

You watch Master Chef, they're all touching everything, they're putting there no gloves, nothing.

They're doing that, and then the next thing they're wiping their nose and they're putting a bit more on top.

And it's not how to prepare food, is it?

No.

And that's what I think.

If it looks too nice on the plate, I think, well, I wonder how that happened.

Yeah, plenty of hands have been like that.

I don't like that.

I want it splattered with a spoon on the plate.

Yeah.

So you'd like the dream restaurant in this case to be like a French brasserie.

bet i bet it would be yeah i think it would be because it's going to fit into that decor are exactly what i like yeah i like some tiles i like a nice you know those uh uh those lamps they have hanging from the ceiling and uh i like the waiters with the with the the aprons and uh you know know what they're talking about yeah nice buzz around you that's the other thing with very posh restaurants you know i i got to that point where i thought okay i've had amazing food in posh restaurants but have i ever had a great time in a posh restaurant it's a different thing and i don't think i have i love The atmosphere isn't the same.

Some of them are catching on now.

There are some really good, you know, Michelin star pub restaurants places, and I love those because there's a proper atmosphere and they do it as a bit more casual.

They've calmed down a bit.

Yeah.

I think both me and Ed there weren't expecting that to be the end of

what you were saying.

It stopped at a night work, Jack.

Yeah.

No, I felt I was going on too long, so I thought I'll stop.

I'll stop.

I'll stop now.

What do you think about this, Jack?

My wife used to live in Paris, and I went out there to visit her quite a lot, and we ate in a lot of places like that, some amazing restaurants.

She used to live basically above a restaurant called Bulldog in the Marais in Paris, which is like that sort of place.

It was probably like Bistro Y restaurant.

They did amazing confidence.

But it was called Bulldog because the owners had a Bulldog that just used to walk around the restaurant.

How would you feel about that?

Lovely.

Yeah,

dogs are welcome in any restaurant I go to.

Yeah, absolutely.

I think it's really nice.

It's civilized and it's more it's more home from home it means they're not taking themselves too seriously you know the whole health and safety thing is a nonsense why can you why are you allowed to bring your dog into one restaurant and not another one it's you know it's health and safety well why don't they have it well they do because they know it's not true doesn't matter it doesn't matter what if uh you got in and that dog pulled your chair out for you so you can sit down and then for her to do for you and Jane didn't see it and then Jane sat down.

If she was in the restaurant and she just didn't see that, didn't see it.

She was sitting down, she was sorting herself, she was calling the Sheffield Cunt or whatever she was doing.

You're sitting down, and the bulldog just pulls the seat out for you.

Or even better, you see the bulldog pull Jane's seat out for her and tuck her in, and she doesn't notice it.

She doesn't realize it's a dog.

That would be a harder thing, but then she'd think I was just, you know,

just taking the piss.

Is that the sort of thing you would do?

She might think,

why you keep telling me that the the dog did that?

You know, that's, you know, it's spoiling the meal now, because, you know,

you come out for a meal and you're just lying to me.

That would be bad.

Yeah.

I don't think you're going to be able to get Jack in any situation where he lets Jane know when an animal does something out of the ordinary.

Well, we'll see.

We'll see.

I saw this meme that was going around, you know, one of those videos on YouTube where the

crocodile eats a drone.

Did you see that one?

No.

No.

There was a drone that was flying over some crocodiles and then the last thing you see is these big teeth come up and whack it and just take it out

and that's the end of the drone and I watched that and thought it was amazing but I didn't tell Jane

she want to know all about what happened to the crocodile

who cares it's a crocodile eating a drone that's all we need to know well what if though Jane you know you get home today and Jane goes, Oh, Jack, I saw this really funny video.

It's of a drone's going on, and these crocodiles, and this crocodile comes up and eats it.

Ah, you've got to watch it.

I probably would pretend I hadn't seen it, yeah, and then, and then just because I don't want the conversation, isn't it?

Then I'd say, Oh, I know.

She said, Well, why didn't you tell me?

Yeah, why didn't you tell me that a crocodile's eating a drone?

And I, oh, I don't know, because I never tell you anything.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

We come on to a favorite drink now, but we can probably skip it because everyone knows your favorite drink.

Yeah, well, the the sparkling.

No, no, no.

You love John Smith's.

Oh, yeah.

You love it.

You plug it all down.

Look, look, look,

yeah, yeah.

That's you, Jack D.

You love John Smith so much.

I wish, I would love it even more if they pay me to do another one.

Yeah.

I think

my drink would be.

I'm just going to keep it, you know, very, very

general.

I'd ask for booze.

I'd love to do that to Sommelia.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I have some booze, please?

Just to see what they bring.

I think they'd love that because

they want to give you their opinion, right?

So they just be like, great, I'll just bring you my favourite thing.

Yeah, just

go through all the different types of booze and

come up with the one.

But yeah.

Ever been on a booze cruise?

Because you love France.

Yeah, yeah.

I never have done that.

No, I've never, you know, people do that because they think it's fun and they're going to save a load of money.

And not that you can do it anymore because of the Brexit thing.

You can only bring two bottles back or something again.

But

I'm not into saving money like that.

I don't care.

If it's, you know, 20 quid cheaper to get a ferry to France and then go in the supermarket there and then come back.

Well, okay, but you've spent the whole bloody day doing that, haven't you?

You know, and you've got better things to do.

Yeah.

So if you asked for booze, is there any booze that they could bring that you would be angry about?

Angry about, yes.

I don't like green booze

or turquoise booze or any

silly coloured booze.

Novelty coloured booze.

I don't like that.

No, I don't like that.

I like beer colour booze

and

especially if it's beer.

And I like,

obviously I like wine and stuff, but

don't like green drinks.

I've never booze cruise question.

Is that okay, Ed?

Yes, go for it.

If you had to go to Booze Cruise with three other stand-up comedians,

who are the comedians you'd be coming?

Not Ivo Graham.

Not Ivo Graham.

He's not coming.

Straight off the list.

He's not coming.

With three other comedians.

Present company excluded.

I can't bring you two.

No.

Okay.

Can they be from any period?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's another comedian that

you've gigged with.

As long as I've gigged with, so I can't be Norman Wisdom or someone.

I can't.

Norman Wisdom.

Wisdom would be a nightmare on a boost cruise.

What are you talking about?

He's sink the ferry.

Why would he sink the ferry?

He's a liability.

He's chaos.

He's clumsy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe he wouldn't.

It would be a danger to us all.

I might take someone who I knew could do some heavy lifting.

Yeah.

Maybe like Ricky Grover.

Yeah.

Bring him.

I'll bring him.

Yeah, maybe Phil Jupiters.

Yeah.

You know, and Josh Whitticomb.

Those three.

Because Josh is doing the heavy lifting as well.

Oh, my God, he's strong.

Oh.

Because, you know,

we all know it's a well-kept secret because he's only, he's

four foot tall.

Yeah.

You know, and he's got the platforms for television work.

But my God, he's strong.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I've seen him lift some stuff.

Yeah.

I've seen him in a studio where, you know, they've got

all the studio guys down at the gates, you know, where the stuff comes in, all the scenery, and they're struggling.

And And Josh comes in, join a hand with that.

And he just literally just picked it up, moved it.

I saw him lift the whole Strictly Come Dancing set himself, but he just lifted it through.

He's like,

where'd you want it?

It's just like it wasn't a thing for him.

Where'd you want it?

Just plonked it down, didn't he?

Yeah.

So he'd be handy.

Yeah.

So booze is your drink of choice.

Yeah, yeah.

Your dream drink is just booze.

But we did, I mean, you said booze and then you said beer-coloured booze, ideally beer.

Yeah, I like beer and I like wine.

I'm not,

I mean, I'm easily done.

Does it look like John Smith's to me?

Probably would be, I suppose.

If it was a pint of John Smith's, would you be disappointed?

I wouldn't be disappointed.

Disappointed, but I would prefer something that's come, you know, like a real L or something, probably.

Or

I quite like an artisan lager now.

I like that, you know.

So I'm not, I don't plug stuff that I'm not being paid to plug anymore.

you know

because i'm not a hypocrite no you're not a hypocrite do people ever send you over if you're ever in a pub?

Do people send you over like a pint of John Smith's?

It has happened, it has happened.

And

I'll, you know, I don't mind that, that's fine.

It's if that's their way of creating an anecdote for themselves.

And then, you know, I'm happy that I'm happy about that.

But it's this whole thing of, do you drink it all the time?

And I say no, because

I'm not being paid to do adverts for them anymore.

Yes.

And that's where I draw the line.

At the end of that conversation.

What if you were at a bar and the waiter bought a pint of John Smith sober and said it's from the gentleman over at that table and you looked over and it was a red squirrel just looking at you?

I'd say, well, that's no gentleman.

I would be amazed because, you know, it's usually grey squirrels in this country, isn't it?

Yeah.

So I would be surprised to see a red squirrel.

I think a grey squirrel would probably not be as polite as that, I feel.

I think a squirrel, it was more likely to flick a V-sign at you.

Do you know what I mean?

They've They've got a bit of an attitude.

You just, they would.

Are you more likely, because then obviously Jane will arrive at the pub, are you more likely to tell Jane if a squirrel flicks you the Vs or sends you a pint?

Again, I think we've been into this.

I think

I've said I won't give any details to Jane on these things.

Either way.

It's more trouble than it's worth.

But if you've got a pint and she arrives and goes, why haven't you bought me a drink?

Why have you got a drink and you've not asked me if I want a drink?

Did someone get you that drink?

In those circumstances, I might dump the scruple in it.

I might.

Yeah, it was him.

It was his fault.

And I said, what about my wife?

And he flicked a V at me.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

Yeah.

French?

Well, not particularly, but it's a thing that I really love.

My favourite flavour, right, with dessert

goes with sweet things.

You won't guess.

You won't ever guess.

No, no, you won't.

James loves guessing because they love guessing.

Well, look, I'll be honest.

Mar Mike.

Even if you get it right, I'll lie and change it.

I appreciate your honesty up front.

Because I'm very competitive.

But no, my favourite flavour is hazelnut.

Yeah, so you wouldn't have guessed that, would you?

No, no, no.

I've got that, yeah.

And but a hazelnut meringue, okay, as in a roulard, right?

Yeah.

You know, the roulard, and you get the, the, with the whipped cream inside, and then roll it up.

And that's that to me as a complete perfection.

I love that.

Maybe even with a little bit of ice cream on the side that I make.

I make ice cream sometimes.

You make ice cream?

Here we go.

James is interested.

Here we go.

What flavours do you do?

Well, whatever you want.

I've actually got an ice cream van.

This is explaining where he slept at an ice cream van.

Yeah.

Because he just legged it and he threw the keys over his head as he let an ice cream.

He said, just take it.

Just take it.

So I can, I've got everything I want.

I've got flakes, I've got the lot,

oysters.

Still live there.

So yeah, I would, that would be my dream, that would be my dream pudding.

Yeah, yeah, I would like that.

I've not had a roulard like that in ages.

Yeah, and you can have a...

Cracked and crispy on the outside, but really soft and chewy in the middle.

Oh, it's delicious.

And it's very good with a bit of, you know, coolie or something, you know, somehow nice.

Very, very nice.

What kind of coolie do you want?

What kind of ice cream do you want?

I think something a little bit tart to go against the meringue, something like a raspberry coolie or something like that, would be very, very nice.

If it was ice cream, it would be something simple like vanilla.

I think, just, you know,

you can't gild a lily once you've got something like that in front of you.

You know, it's just perfection.

And I think it's, my mum used to make that, and I think that's why I love it so much.

You know, she's made it from scratch.

No, she made it from egg whites.

Thank you.

Don't mind it.

I've been here too long.

Absolutely love it.

Do you make it now?

Jane makes it.

She makes it much better than I do.

She's very good at that.

I don't have the patience for that kind of cooking.

I find it annoying to have to roll things out.

Yeah, and then roll them up again.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a waste of time, isn't it?

It's a waste of time.

It's just, it should come like that or not at all.

That's why, you know, that's why I like cooking mints because you can't, there's nothing more to do to it, is there?

You can't shape it

How much do you like cooking mints?

Like if you know that you're going to cook some mints how much do you cook?

If I'm honest though, I've been a parent for nearly 30 years.

I've got four kids, so I'm over cooking mints.

I've done enough of my mints, and so but I've done it, I've cooked every configuration of mints.

So you cook mints for your kids a lot when they're

it's a regular thing, isn't it?

It's part of the diet.

You do mince shepherd's pie, you do mints of know, spaghetti bolognese.

Basically, it's all mince, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Comfy mints we were doing at one point.

You got a top three mince dishes that you used to cook for your kids?

Yeah, actually, we were talking about curry earlier on, but you know, you had the,

is it called, is it?

Where it is

like minced and mince and peas and curry, and you don't get it very much in London, but up north, Manchester, Birmingham, it's quite regularly on the menus up there.

And that's one of my favourite things.

It's delicious, just minced lamb with spices in it.

Of course, that's a Moroccan thing as well.

And that's really great.

So I'd have that.

That's quite a posh answer to that one.

But I don't mind.

Yeah, I love a bolognaise.

I like a bolognese.

Yeah.

It's got very little to do with Italian food, has it?

You go to Italy, ask for bolognaise,

they think, who's this idiot?

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

I want to know more about your ice cream that you make yourself.

Because I feel like if we end this episode and we haven't really dug into your ice cream making that.

Do you actually make ice cream yourself, or was that a build-up to the ice cream van callback?

No, no, no, no, I make it, I make it,

and that's why we do make it.

I've got

a little, I've got the churn thing.

And I cheat with ice cream.

I'm not into doing it with the eggs and stuff.

Basically, I just do...

you know, double cream, milk, sugar, and then whatever flavouring you want.

And then once you've got your vanilla ice cream, you can put it in a thing.

And then, if you've got some coolie, for instance,

put it in, give it a very quick whip around,

and you've got Raspberry Ripple.

Delicious.

That's how it's made.

Yeah.

That's how it's made.

Or strachiatelli, you can do that with bits of chocolate.

Yeah.

And here's another thing.

Yeah.

You know, chocolate mint chip ice cream.

Yeah.

Well, I've made that.

And I thought that was really, really delicious.

But next time I'm going to make it, instead of melt chocolate, I make it with plain chocolate.

And that would be a posh version of chocolate chip mint.

It doesn't work.

Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't work.

No?

No, no, it doesn't work.

It's not as good.

It was a disappointment.

It has to be milk.

You wouldn't have thought that, would you?

No, I wouldn't have thought dark chocolate would be milk.

No, so if you ever go to a restaurant and they say, oh, we've got a special, it's not any old chocolate mint chip ice cream.

Ours is made with dark chocolate, just walk away.

Don't go anywhere near it.

Forget about it.

It doesn't work.

It's difficult to walk away at that point because presuming that's dessert, that is just running out on the bill, isn't it?

You could, it depends how theatrical you are.

Yeah, you said, don't know.

That's ruined everything.

What if you drop some after eights in there?

You think that wouldn't work?

I think they have a good idea, if I'm honest.

I think I'm a big fan of those.

It came off you like that, and you thought of it, and that's so it's a kettering type

to cook big time chocolate mint.

You take a load of chocolate chip and chuck it in.

Well, we all know how to cook it.

But I bet that would be

nice because you can use Snicker bars and stuff

in ice cream, and it's probably quite a good way to do it.

If you're talking about Kettering, it has reminded me of Crazy Udder, which was the milkshake place.

Crazy Udder?

There's a milkshake place growing up in Kepmin called Crazy Udder.

It's not there anymore.

Closing it, I think it lasted a year, but it was just milkshakes with chocolate bars in them.

Oh, okay, right.

Just put any chocolate bar you want in the milkshake.

Oh, okay, right, right.

Okay.

You just go and be like, cover Snickers one, cover Mint Aero one or whatever.

How did it shut after a year if you lived near it?

Yeah, I know.

I got a lot of them.

Mint Aero was my favourite one as well.

And when you left, that was it.

They've closed it.

Yeah, when I left, I was like, well, that's it.

Where's no point?

Where's that kid who always comes in?

Yeah.

He's gone.

Oh, we're done.

I never

forget going to Kettering and having a Chinese meal there after the gig.

Lee Gardens?

I think it could have been.

I can't remember the name of it now, but it was a long, long time ago.

And they were not happy about staying open that late because it was 10.30 or something.

I was trying to be complimentary.

The food was like, you know, was okay.

I said, yeah, it's all right.

But there was carrots have been carved into little lotus leaves.

And we said, this is lovely.

And he said, yeah, the chef did that.

And

he said,

he stayed up late to do that for you.

And he just laid all this kind of guilt on me for coming in late.

And he, yeah, he has to be here at eight o'clock in the morning, but he stayed late to do that for you.

And I've always remembered that, that he made me feel bad.

I'd give him the compliment, and what I got in return was a guilt trip.

Yeah, well, that is, I would say, you've had the quintessential Kevin experience there.

That is exactly what we're about is making everyone feel guilty and make everyone feel ashamed and like they've done something wrong and never do something nice for anyone unless you're going to let them know, do you know what?

I had to stay up to do that and just completely ruin the favour that you've done for someone.

And that's it.

That waiter was James A.

Yeah, it sounds like it was me.

It does sound like it was me.

And I'd tell you.

Also, I mean, they're not going to impress you with that.

Carrot like that because you know their hands have been all over it.

You know what I mean?

That is the other thing.

I think this is sort of before the days when I wised up to it and I was still impressed by a carved carrot.

But that was my only experience of eating in Kettering as I remember it.

I remember the first time my parents had a carved carrot

at a restaurant.

No one else has that level of rebel.

No one else can dip into the bottom.

It was a big deal because they brought it home with them.

Ah, did they?

Yeah.

I remember us as kids.

And my mum was like, come and look at this.

You memorize it as a brooch, doesn't she?

Yeah, it was a carrot that was carved into a look of flour.

And she was like, isn't that incredible?

Isn't that incredible?

And it just showed us all one by one.

We were like, look at this, look at the carrot.

And we were going, are you going to eat it?

She's like, I can't eat this.

I can't eat it.

It's beautiful.

The man thinks she just let it rot on the side, on the windowsill, gradually.

I don't need your menu back to you now, Jack.

See how you feel about it.

Water, you want sparkling water.

We can secrete cans all around the restaurant if you like.

I think

that'd be a good idea.

You can get them whenever you like.

Pop on some bread.

You want cippata or focaccia.

A little bit of both in a basket, I imagine.

Starter, grilled oysters with breadcrumbs, garlic, chorizo,

like spinach, stuff like that.

All at the table.

Do you want a few raw ones in there as well?

I'll have a couple of raw ones, yeah.

Yeah, and you can do that all in your own grill on the table as well.

Main confy duck, side dish.

Pomer, poma, we never did know what they were.

Potatoes and green beans.

Pumped potatoes.

Drink, booze.

Yeah.

Dessert, you would like a hazelnut roulard with raspberry coolie and vanilla ice cream.

Yeah, yeah.

How's that feel?

I'm feeling

one of the best meals ever.

Yeah.

I'm so happy with it.

I feel like you're gonna need a can of sparkling water after that.

I probably will, probably.

I probably will need one or two.

I'll have one in my bedside table for that, definitely.

Well, I mean, I think we've learnt a lot about you.

Do you?

Do you?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You already knew a lot about me when I was in the middle of the day.

Yeah, you knew more about him than he did.

Pretty good, wasn't it?

Pretty good have much on it.

Well, there we are, James.

Jack D.

Whoa, French.

I didn't think it would be such a French meal.

It was so French.

I loved it.

French, delicious, though.

Sometimes I love the meals that are just from all over the place and don't really make sense as a whole meal.

I think that's a wonderful approach of the dream restaurant.

But also, I like it when people make a decision and they stick with it.

Yeah, and he backed it up.

He told us why he liked brasserie French cuisine.

And that all sounded amazing.

I'd love to have that meal.

Yes.

I think he should be more open and honest with his wife about animals, though.

that's concerning isn't it that stuff yeah i hope i mean if jane ever hears this episode she will think well what's what's been happening over the years i don't know about what's he been keeping from me from the about the animal kingdom yeah james he did not say grated mozzarella in a bag no i mean you know that's famous the italian yeah

so there was no way that was going to come up wonderful episode uh anything that you want to talk about james now well i think you know everyone should go out and buy jack d's new book yes what is your problem yeah what is your problem as you hear hear, you know, he's a great agony uncle.

He gave Ed great advice.

You know, I'd already solved the problem, but I'm glad I got to ask Jack D about that.

I'd been planning on asking Jack D about my crotch issues.

So I'm glad you reminded me, James.

Thank you.

Pleasure.

Always happy to help.

Obviously, once we'd finished the podcast, Benito had loads of questions to ask Jack about all the problems in his life.

Yes, exactly.

It was quite a long chat, actually.

We've had to wait about five hours to do this.

Five and a half hours, yeah.

It's mad.

Yeah, a lot of problems, that boy, but hopefully, I mean, Jack, do you slapped him about?

Slapped him about, sorted him out, all good and proper.

All good and proper.

So hopefully it's all sorted for him.

You know, I think everyone should go out and buy tickets to go and see Ed Gamble's live show, Electric.

Yes, starts in February 2022.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

I am going to many places.

If I'm not coming near to you,

you will have to meet me halfway.

Yes.

And also, if you can't go and see Ed on tour, then why not buy his new vinyl?

It's a live vinyl show, and you can buy and you can listen to that at home and pretend you're at Ed's gigs.

It's got wonderful artwork, absolutely stunning artwork.

I love it.

It is called You May Struggle to Hear Me Above the Crunch of My Enemy's Skulls.

Well, don't remember, James.

Do you remember where people can buy it from?

Benito just sneezed, everybody.

He's not often heard on the podcast, but today you heard his sneeze.

He did a little sneeze just then.

You can buy my vinyl from edgamblestore.com.

Wonderful stuff.

I mean, we don't ever say, like, join us next week, and here's the guest next week, do we?

No, we don't, no.

We will be here next week, and there will be a guest next week.

Oh, that's fun.

Good news.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders.

And if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favorite and when were you last unfaithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashley B, Catherine Myan, Rich Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends.

Get it on ACAS, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your all podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in because CC stands for Cuddle Club.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.