Ep 124: Michelle Keegan

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, where we take the spices of conversation, fry them in the oil of humour until they pap pap pap

with the hottest podcast on the internet.

I'm Ed Gamble and over there is wee little Jim's Earcastro.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

We don't often hear your voice work in your intros.

No.

Took quite a little tour there, didn't we, through that?

Went all over the place.

Well, we just sort of went from England to wherever you wherever you think that last accent was from.

I don't like to tell people because that ruins.

Well, it seemed like you were in America at one point.

Oh, yeah, I did.

I did pop to America, actually.

There was a little trip to the States.

And then Irish at the end, it seemed.

No, it was Scottish, but never mind.

Okay.

Yeah, see, this is why I don't tell people because it's always a letdown when they find out where it is.

Very clever.

Yes.

But more importantly, this is the off-menu podcast where we have a guest into the dream restaurant and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week's special guest is Michelle Keegan.

Michelle Keegan, a wonderful actor.

She's in the brilliant show Brassic.

She's done loads of other stuff before.

Our Girl, she was in Coronation Street for a long time.

She's got a long and varied CV, James.

But of course, something that we'll be definitely speaking to her about, part of her CV, she was on the hit show Celebrity Bake Off with our friend We James Earcaster.

Yeah, that's Irish, surely.

No.

She was on it with me and she won.

And they don't tell you who came second, third or fourth.

So we'll never know.

I do.

But what did hurt?

You came forth.

I guess it was Michelle Keegan, Ryland, Russell Tovey, you.

Though that's how it read in the edit.

On the day as well, right?

Well, on the day, everyone's in their own world.

You don't know who's, you know, we're all just.

We all came out and we all said no way of knowing who came second there.

Who said that?

No one said that.

What is everyone kind of thought it?

It was you at the bottom.

Everyone fought it.

Russell Tovey, Rylan, Michelle Keegan at the top.

You know, I mean, everyone fought on the day.

It could have gone, you know, it could have gone either way.

Like, we were all on the podium.

No.

Is the main thing?

No.

It's first, second, third is a podium.

You were fourth.

Well, that's in the edit.

I was fourth.

Yeah, and on the day.

Michelle Keegan, and I don't like to say this.

It makes me sound like a sore loser, but she may have cheated and there may have been some foul play.

How do you think she would like to get to the bottom?

You're going to bring this up, are you?

She's kindly lent her time to come and be on our podcast.

Well, I lent my time to be on Bake Off and then I was completely screwed over by cheats.

You lent your time for Stand-ups Cancer to be on Bake Off and it actually lost the charity money, your appearance.

No, that's not what I hear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Felt bad about that, but I think that's, again, I think that's Michelle's fault.

I think she sabotaged.

No, no, no.

They said, they all said when they called.

Because of James A.

Caster's performance and his bad flapjacks,

I'm taking back my five pounds.

Yeah.

£80,000 pounds you lost to charity yeah a lot of people a lot of people but again i think i was sabotaged by keeges so i'm gonna find out right i'm gonna ask going this episode well i'll look forward to this episode then i look forward to it look this is a great podcast which is why i think you should vote for us in the national comedy awards yeah don't ask for your money back Don't ask for your money back.

I want you to go and vote for us in the National Comedy Awards.

Yes.

It's the big comedy awards.

It used to be called the British Comedy Awards.

Now it's called the National Comedy Awards.

we are up for best comedy podcast james yes and i'm very excited we're on the long list so how it's working is there is a very long list of podcasts you have to vote for us to get onto the short list then when the short list is out if we're on that you have to vote for us again to win so there's a lot of voting involved but if you go to the nationalcomedy awards.com and vote for us in best comedy podcast we'd be mighty appreciative see that's what people don't understand about bake off you see that if you're on the show you know there's four of you.

All the people who didn't get on it who were on the long list, you know, who...

So you've got to remember that's the best four.

No, because you didn't have to do any rounds previously, did you?

Well, you were chosen because of your skill, your natural skill.

No, you're not.

You were chosen specifically because you didn't have any skill and they knew it would be funny.

They know this is the best four to have on.

Best four bakers.

The National Comedy Awards, also in aid of Stand Up to Cancer.

Go to the NationalComedyAwards.com to vote for off-menu in the best comedy podcast category.

Yes.

Please, we'd love to go to the party.

Yeah, mainly we just want to go to that party and we can't go if we're not on the short list.

It's pathetic.

Yeah.

So just vote for us and then we'll be able to get on the short list so we can go to the party and see everybody.

Yes.

And James will dress as a genie at the party.

Yes.

What?

So without further ado...

Whoa, hold on a second.

I think there is a further advice.

The off-menu menu.

Michelle Keegan.

We like Michelle, but of course, if she chooses a secret ingredient, she gets kids.

Do you remember that?

Yes.

I just didn't want you to back out of what you agreed to.

I can back out of it now because I'm the one who's remembered the format of the podcast.

You got blinded by awards.

No, I just want you to dress as a genie to the ceremony.

The glitz and glamour of the industry made you forget the format of your own podcast.

I'm not used to being nominated for awards, James.

It's only since I've teamed up with you that I get nominated for awards.

But then also the downside of that is because I'm teamed up with you, I'll never win an award.

No.

It's a monkey's paw situation here yes everything i've wished for and nothing i've wished for yes that's exactly this is my life

michelle keegan

and believe me we've never had an episode before where i've hoped so much that someone picks a secret ingredient i would love it if i get to kick her out and the secret ingredient this week is desiccated

coconut look I like coconut as a in general, you know, and maybe I even like desiccated coconut sometimes, but I completely have certain situations where I don't like it.

There are certain dishes, mainly savory dishes, where I'm like, could do without that being on there.

I completely get why other people don't like it.

So, I think it's a good secret ingredient.

Well, why do you think it's a good secret ingredient, James?

Well, you seem to be backing the secret ingredient a lot.

Is it because,

Mr.

Acasta, that this secret ingredient was suggested by Diane Acaster?

Whoa, coincidence.

A casto.

She says...

Acasteau.

Diane.

Acastoo.

Diane.

Not funny when you do it with that name, actually.

I love it.

Poor Diane.

She'll absolutely hate being called Diane.

Yep, she doesn't like it.

She doesn't like anyone calling her Diane.

I called her Diane once, and she got really angry with me.

Yes.

She was already angry with me because

I'd brought the wrong evaporated milk to her cook-along.

Michelle chooses a desiccated coconut.

She is out.

And it will be ever the sweeter victory for me that my mum has helped me kick her out of the dream restaurant by by choosing the secret ingredient so i can't wait for it to happen well let's get stuck in here it is the off menu menu of michelle

welcome michelle to the dream restaurant thank you for having me i'm very very excited to be here Welcome, Michelle Keegan, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

There we are.

We fully downloaded the genie.

Michelle, tell us, first of all, are you a foodie?

I am a massive, massive foodie.

And I'm not just saying it.

This podcast is probably my dream podcast to do.

Yes.

And honestly,

I'm not lying when I say that.

Like, food for me is life.

From the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed, I'm thinking about food.

So, yeah.

Massive deal for me.

So what's your first thought?

You wake up.

What am I having for breakfast?

Yeah, but normally i do have a midnight snack i i do snack that's when in my i'm quite bad at snacking is like quite late at night so i am actually probably quite full from the night before um if i'm being honest so the first thought for me cup of tea biscuits hang on so you're having cup of tea biscuits in the morning or you're still thinking about the cup of tea and biscuits from the night before no no that's my first thought in the morning wake up cup of tea biscuits now that this is already you're thinking outside the box here because you're essentially doing what most people would consider to be an afternoon thing first thing in the morning.

Would you say that is an afternoon thing?

Is that a southern thing?

Because for us northerners, it's tea and biscuits in the morning.

You have like a rich tea or custard cream.

It's like, that's definitely, that must be a northern thing then.

I guess so, because I wouldn't say I consider a custard cream to be a morning snack.

Oh,

no, Ed, you're missing out.

It's fantastic.

I bet it is.

Wakes my taste buds up.

That's it.

And then I go for the savoury option.

Always start with the sweet, then we go to the the savoury.

Nice.

I like this.

Do you know

this again?

I'm not lying when I say this.

This question, what you guys are doing is actually my icebreaker question.

Whenever I meet anyone, whether it's something, you know, I'm starting a new job and it's a bit awkward in the green room, you don't really know anyone, or you're in a car and you've got a long drive with a driver, you're just chit-chatting.

This question is actually my go-to question.

It breaks the ice.

Now, Michelle, I don't want to bring, I didn't want to bring this up so early, but but you've met James before, of course.

Oh, I have.

So

in the green room at the Great British Bake-Off.

Yeah.

We all know that the atmosphere was awkward because James made it like that.

Did you try and break the ice with this question?

Well, to be fair, we were kept quite separated, weren't we, James?

Like, we had our own trailers.

And then the first time we saw, like, we met each other properly was in the tent at our own stations.

Yes.

So we didn't really have, you know, a communal space where I could could ask that question because I'm telling you, I would ask that question.

That question would have been asked.

No, the question didn't get asked, but we were kept separate.

And then we all got put into the tent.

And then Michelle,

Michelle cheated.

She cheated.

I don't understand how James didn't win with his salty meringue.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand.

And when he painted Prue on an egg, I mean, I thought artistically, it was fantastic.

Thank you.

That means a lot, Michelle.

Actually, I've waited a long time for you to say that.

Yeah, yeah.

And it means a lot to me.

You're very welcome.

Can you, um, I mean, I not that I want to relive it, but um, do you want to uh

remind people because you won.

You, you won the you got the apron at home, I assume.

I did, I did, and I wear it with pride.

Yeah,

not bitter about it, James.

Furious.

I mean, I'm I he's as salty, he's as salty as his meringue, Michelle.

He was robbed.

My main aim with this episode is to figure out how you cheated and how you cheated.

Why?

How and why.

Something rigging went on because on the, it was very clever cheating because over the weekend, you just seemed lovely and nice and friendly.

And everyone liked you.

And we didn't know that.

Behind the scenes, you were cheating.

Very clever.

I'll have to say,

it was a definite fluke for me.

Because I watched that back and I was like, how the hell did I manage to do that?

Seriously, especially with those horns.

Look, James, you know what I'm going to say?

I think Michelle is being deliberately quite modest there.

I'll tell you how you won it, Michelle.

And I've seen this episode again recently because I showed it on E4 recently, and you won by easily being the best.

That's how you won.

I'll take that, Ed.

Yes, I'll take that.

You baked all the best stuff.

Yeah, that is cheating.

You cheated in that you sort of pre-prepared and knew how to bake.

I do bet.

I did pre-prepare pre-prepare my um flapjacks, my, I think they were minty chocolatey flapjacks.

I did practice them a few times and I did do the showstopper the day before.

What was your showstopper again?

Remind us.

It was the ski slope, the meringue ski slope.

Um, so I did practice that the day before, so I think it was very fresh in my mind.

But see, with me, I'm not a great baker.

I'm not great at desserts.

I love cooking at home.

I cook a lot.

But when it comes to desserts and, you know, sweet stuff, I'm not very good at that.

So I genuinely didn't think I was going to do well.

But I smashed it out the park.

You didn't know who you were up against.

You thought you weren't going to do well.

And then you turned up and James Acaster was there.

And the victory was sealed from that moment on.

As soon as I saw him putting salt in that meringue, I was like, done deal.

Tick.

That was one of my more confident moments than the one that she salt in the moring.

Like the cream horn round for me, which was the technical round, was a blur.

Yeah, the other ones, I was able to look over at what other people were doing and have a little talk about, oh, what are you baking?

What are you doing?

The cream horns, I can't remember what was going on.

How did you do on it?

Because, like, I didn't finish a single cream horn, they all fell apart.

Rylan was giving me a lot of tips, but I was all over the place.

I didn't even register how you were doing on that round or how you found it.

Uh, well, I won it, I won that round.

Basically, I won that round.

But again,

this is me not just saying it.

I was a mess.

I've never done that before.

I've never made pastry before.

I don't think I've actually ever made custard before or whatever.

Well, it was cream and custard mixed together.

I've never done that before.

So I didn't know how they're going to turn out.

And I think what sealed the deal for me was apparently my pastry to because to look at Ryland's was actually better than mine.

And I hold my my hands up.

I hold my hands up.

His was better than mine, but I think my pastry tipped it.

I think that's what happened.

And since that day, I've never made pastry again.

Me neither.

So, Rylands looked better, but your pastry was better.

Where was James in the running?

Was there anything that James had that might have might have won it for him, do you think?

Are you aware that I was having a nightmare at the time?

No, you were, you were, because at the end of the cream horn, you meant to dip melted chocolate around the rim of the horn, where what James decided to do, because he ran out of time, was not dip the chocolate, you know, the horn in the chocolate.

He sprinkled chocolate buttons on the plate as decoration.

Again, I'm surprised he didn't win.

Quick thinking on the spot.

To be fair, that's what James would do if he had an hour and a half and he was cooking it at home.

It was really stressful, though.

Yeah, it looked awful.

I just distinctly remember James's horns being in the oven and them filming it through the oven door and the horns just falling off the mold.

It was like someone dropping a dressing gown.

It was just all slit down.

Weren't your horns standing up straight?

Yes.

You meant to lie them down, but James put his horns straight.

Yeah.

So the gravity pulled them down.

Yeah.

The most embarrassing thing about that is that...

I didn't know I'd done that wrong until just now when you said it.

I thought we were meant to put them standing up until just now.

Like, I know it went wrong for me, but until you do know where, I've never known why they slid off the thing, and now it makes perfect sense that they're meant to be on their sides.

Did you get a lot of people talk to you about your bake-off appearance and congratulate you on your win?

I did, I did, I did.

I think for my mum, that was the best thing they've ever done.

No, never mind the jobs that I've had or anything like that, and whatever.

But for my mum, me winning bake-off was was probably her proudest moment.

Well, that's good then.

I feel all right about it now.

Yeah, see, you let me win there, didn't you?

My mum, but see, my mum's a cook, my mum's actually a cook, so and she's really good at baking.

My mum, like, she used to, she's one of those when I was younger, she used to make everyone's birthday cakes, you know, in the area.

Oh, in the area, not just family.

Oh, not just family, no, no, no, no, no, like neighbours and things like that.

And she was, it's one of them where she tried to do it as a business, but she just couldn't charge people.

So she had to stop doing it because it's costing her a fortune.

Yeah, she's a really good baker, so for her, she was very excited that I won.

So, I'm starting to think this is cheating now because you've got it in your blood, that's why you won.

That's cheating.

My mum is also a very good baker and makes loads of birthday cakes.

And so, technically,

well, it should still be in my blood on paper.

You should be really good.

Honestly, wait till you hear this, Michelle.

Go on.

Not only is James's mum a really good baker,

James's sister runs a flapjack company.

yeah right you cheat

so honestly when when she started the flapjack company which i believe was slightly after uh the bake-off thing yeah she had to distance herself from james because she knew it wouldn't help the flapjack yeah that's true that is although i've got to say you know sticking up for james here his flapjacks weren't that bad

i tasted them and they were quite tasty and if i remember rightly they were the bake well tart flavour ones.

Yeah, and they actually tasted really were they just a bit wet in the middle.

Yeah, oh, a bit wet is an understatement.

It was porridge.

It was bake well porridge, is what I made.

Yeah, you did.

You did with a crispy outside rim.

It was one of those moments after we'd done that first round where everyone was kind of tasting each other's stuff and people coming over and tasting mine and everyone's saying, oh, do you know what?

That's delicious.

Those are really nice.

And because I've done so badly and had so much of a meltdown, I was in that state of mind where I didn't trust anyone's opinions.

So I was like, I was like, lies.

They're just trying to, it's because I'm being a diva and they're trying to

protect my ego and telling me it's nice.

So then I'd eat it.

It'd be like, it does taste nice to me, actually.

No, dude, out of all the rounds, that was your best round.

It was.

It sort of went downhill from there.

It was.

It was.

The flat jacket is just the thing that gets brought up to me the most about being the worst thing that I did.

That was actually my high point.

Just because it was actually tasty, although it was porridge, it was still, it does, you know, it still tasted nice.

When my sister started the flatjack company, I suggested to her, hey, how about we do a thing where it's like a cup of like, you know, liquid flatjack and people can just like walk away eating it because as a homage.

She was like, no.

She was like, nope, I'm changing my surname.

I can't be involved with you.

I tell you what's exciting though.

Brassic, there's a new series of Brassic coming out.

Yes.

The Great Benito is absolutely, I mean, we think it's a fantastic show.

Great Benito is an addict.

He talks about it all the time.

He loves it so much.

He's very excited that there's another series coming out.

What can we expect?

Well, are you not allowed to tell us?

Yeah, I could tell you a few things.

So there's eight episodes this time.

It used to be six.

Now it's gone to eight.

And the last series, we left

Erin and Vinny in sort of a, will they want me?

Vinny gets taken off to prison.

And before he goes to prison, Erin whispers something in his ear.

And that's been sort of the general question that everyone asked me: like, what did you whisper in Vinny's ear?

We actually do find out this series what that is.

It's basically fun, fast-paced, comedy with a lot of heart.

And I think that's why people, so many people relate to it.

People always ask me, so you probably don't remember, Michelle, but there was a moment in Bake Off when you whispered something in my ear, and people were like, What was it?

And it was, I cheated.

That's what it was.

You came up to me and you went, I cheated.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

I do, still.

And I listened to when you did a podcast with Jamie Oliver, and I totally agree with him.

It just makes you gassy.

Carbonated water just makes you gassy.

I don't know why people choose to drink that.

We had a debate.

I was on a shoot actually a few days ago and we had a debate what is more thirst quenching, fizzy water or still.

And it has to be still.

And people are still coming back to me saying, no, fizzy water is.

It blows my mind.

Can you name names of who was on the opposing side of that debate?

Yeah, I will.

Her name's Emily Clarkson.

She's a hair makeup artist.

I'm going to out her now.

She thinks it's better.

Wrong.

Clarkson.

Come on.

I'm often disagreeing with people by saying, oh, Clarkson, that's rubbish.

But it's never Emily up until this point.

It's the first time it's been Emily.

But I don't know.

I just, I just prefer still.

You can drink it throughout the day.

If you wake up up in the middle of the night and you're so thirsty, you just look at that glass of water and you just neck it, and it's the best thing in the world.

Uh-huh.

So you bring a glass of water to bed with you?

Always.

Always.

How big is the glass?

How close to the bed is it?

When you wake up to drink, how often are you waking it up to drink it in the night?

Do you sit up to drink it?

Do you chest and drink it while you're still lying down?

This is the key point: how you're drinking it.

Okay.

It's a pint.

Yes.

Not a mug, not a cup.

A pint of water.

That's fucking bottle water.

Yes.

Not a bottle water, because I don't like the noise.

I don't be fully awake when I'm drinking it.

That bottle, you know,

plastic noise.

It wakes me up.

It scares me.

It makes me jump.

The noise of plastic would wake you up and make you jump.

Yeah,

you're down it so hard and the bottle is going

and it sucks all the plastic in.

I don't want that.

That would be your awake.

It's a pint for me.

So that's what you're doing, is it?

You're waking up in the night and you're downing a bottle of water like you're running a marathon.

You're sucking it that hard that it

collapses it on.

Like I said, I have midnight snacks quite a lot.

And a lot of the time that's something quite salty, like crisps, piece of toast and ham on top.

I don't know, just something easy.

And it's normally quite salty.

So nine times out of ten, I will wake up for that glass of water.

Yes.

It would probably around, it'd be about two o'clock, 2 a.m.

In between two and four, I'd say.

And I'd reach for it.

Oh, I have to reach far.

It's probably next to my phone which is charging next to me as well yeah and I would sit up and drink it with my eyes still shut yeah as soon as I quench my thirst heads back in the pillow straight back to sleep yeah so your eyes shut the whole time you can reach out find the pint sit up drink from the pint put it back exactly where it was and go back to sleep never opening your eyes never opening my eyes that's something I don't want I don't want the plastic bottle do you not worry that one time this eyes closed approach is going to really backfire.

Are you going to just sit up with your eyes closed, reach over, and then put your phone in your mouth?

To be fair, that's never happened yet.

Yeah.

Um, but no, no, no, I know it now.

I know, I know it too well.

I know the feel of it.

I know where my mouth is.

I just, I've got it, I've got it down to a T.

So that's really impressive that you can do that.

Although James, James had his eyes closed for the whole of Bake Off.

So

that's another thing I've learned.

Well, that wasn't.

Yeah.

dumbs or bread.

Pop dumbs or bread, Michelle Kagan.

Pop dumbs or bread.

Bread, 100%.

Yeah.

What I really like about the question: Popadums or bread now is because people know that it's coming.

So it used to be initially that it was a surprise and that it would make people jump.

Now people know that it's coming.

So James gets the, like, I'd say, second time to say pobledums with bread, people are like, yeah, bread, just hurry up.

Like Nita said, I knew it was coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never gonna scare me.

For me, bread and butter is the best thing in the world.

That's how simple it i used to i live next door to a um a lady and a gentleman called pat martin and when i was younger i used to climb over their fence must have been about three or four and i remember the bread they used to give me like the the thick crust one that you slice off yourself did you grow up in in victorian times it was like out of an advert it was like out of an advert

kids wanted sweets things like that lollies ice creams nah i wanted the bread.

I wanted the carbs.

Were you in Fagan's gang?

What do you mean you used to climb over someone's fence and they would give you bread?

I used to climb over

Pat and Martin's fence.

Yeah.

And they used to eat, like, to be fair, I remember the cupboard was so thick, it was like a doorstopper.

And she used to use real butter that my mum and dad never used to have.

I think they used to just use, I don't know, bloody marge or something like that, rubbish butter.

But this butter, oh, I remember it being so thick on this bread.

And for me, that's never left me.

Like, I can't say, you know, you're in a restaurant, you sat down and you're starving, you're waiting for your meal, and they bring over the basket with the bread in.

And some people, the good people, go, oh, no, no, no, I'm going to save myself.

I don't, I delve straight into that basket.

Straight in.

You've got to go.

Straight in.

Bread and butter for me is life.

I just want to know what it was like from Pat and Martin's perspective that they're like, oh, that girl from next door has just climbed over the fence again.

Go and give her some bread, Martin.

Otherwise, she won't go away.

Oh, she's here again.

Very important detail.

How high is this fence?

Yeah.

It was what I remember standing up next to the fence and putting my fingertips over and trying to look over and see if they're on the drive.

So it wasn't actually quite high for a three or four-year-old.

Yeah.

But I climbed over it.

I was able to whip my leg over.

Were they giving you this bread, or did you take it off the bird table?

Yeah, no, they did.

No, it's one of those, I was going to say, times make me sound really ancient, but you know, when you used to leave doors open and neighbours used to just turn up and walk in and go, hello, like walk in.

That was just what you know, where we lived, that was just the norm.

Like, my mum's door was open, Pat and Martin's door was open, and they had those, you know, those things that used to hang down the what was it called?

The fly things, they don't let flies

hang down the beads, the beads, yeah, in the doorway, they've got those like long, yeah, yeah, like

you walk in like you're in a sex shop, yeah,

yeah, like

how would you know that, James?

Yeah, good point.

That's where I live.

Dangerous in a sex shop.

I think they heard, I think they heard me coming before they actually knew I was in the house.

They heard me walk in because of the beads, and they was like, quick, get the bread.

Did you have any other neighbours that you would go to for food?

I had Brenda and Barry, the other side.

Yeah.

And they used to get me my, you know, I would say 99p ice cream with a flake.

Yeah.

But back then it was 50p.

And I used to get that off them because they had a little boy.

So I used to climb over the other fence to go and get my ice cream off them.

Now, okay, more questions.

It sounds like a little pest

to go around to me.

Scavenging food.

I love that.

I've got two questions.

Number one is, did you only climb over their fence when you heard the ice cream van jingle and went to that they get you an ice cream?

Or was it not even from the ice cream van?

Were they just scooping it for you from their own fridge?

But in which case, it's not the real Mr.

Whippy.

And also, why

is one of the important details because they had a little boy?

Right, let me go for this question.

I think, no, no, sometimes it would be because of the ice cream man.

So, I thought my mum and dad, they're not going to say yes to it.

So, I'm going to ask Brenda and Barry.

So, that sometimes it was that reason.

But I knew they had the soft scoop.

The soft, yeah, the soft scoop in the freezer.

You know, the um, the bright yellow one, yeah, and they used to give me that with raspberry sauce and a wafer in there.

And the reason why I say Scott is because I wasn't just climbing over fences to random neighbours and they had no children, and it's just like me, like a bloffin, like, can I have some food, please?

There was like other children involved as well, like Scott used to be like, oh, come on, come and get some ice cream if you want.

Right.

So that gave me the push to climb over the fence.

Talking of climbing over the fence as well, my mum and dad used to live behind a moss,

fields.

Yeah.

And they used to grow lettuces, carrots, potatoes.

There we go.

We never used to go supermarkets.

I'm dropping them in.

We used to get our vegetables from the moss.

Is that legal?

I look back, Narthy.

We were nicking vegetables off that farmer.

I mean, you are painting an incredible picture of growing up in the north, by the way.

Just climbing over fences, just finding food.

Climbing over fences and just scavenging also it's kind of a full meal isn't it yeah you climb over to pat and martin you get your your bread before the main meal climb over to the mosque get get a whole like a whole meal there a whole soup whatever you want then pop over to barry and brenda for dessert i just want to clarify that you are saying moss just in case anyone misheard uh that you were stealing cabbages from a mosque

yeah i know moss moss yeah moss

but yeah to be fair my mum and dad saved a lot of money didn't they when i was growing up yeah now you were climbing over to the different neighbours did Did little Scott ever climb over to your garden for a tub full of marge?

Uh,

not that I remember.

I don't think we had anything to offer that was more exciting than you know, bread and butter or ice cream.

I remember actually, we used to have a lot of turkey twizzlers in the house, which Jamie Oliver's gonna absolutely hate.

But we did, and we had, you know, the chicken drumsticks with the breadcrumbs on and the dinosaurs, the bread dinosaurs, because my mum, my mum was a school cook at my school, so she used to again

yeah she used to nick that and then bring that home as well

we started off with asking you if you were like one of Fagin's children I don't think you are

I think honestly yeah looking looking at my childhood now yeah I probably was now if you climbed over and they were out what would you do I only asked specifically because I lived next door to a little boy when I was a little boy as well.

And we would occasionally climb over each other's fences and hang out.

And one day, me and my mum got home from the shops, and he was just in our house because he climbed over into the garden.

And then I wasn't in, and he was shouting for me.

And then there was a tiny little window in the kitchen that was slightly open.

And he climbed in into the kitchen like a burglar.

He just stood in our kitchen.

Yeah, really scary.

No, I don't remember doing that.

I think I knocked on, and then if they weren't in, I'd get straight back over and go and get my turkey Twizzlers.

Knocked on.

Knocked on is a phrase that

I've only learned in the last couple of years because my girlfriend's from Salford.

I'm from Salford.

Whereabouts in Salford is she from?

I'll get the exact street from her when we finish the podcast.

Find out, yeah.

I went to college in Salford as well.

Her parents are called Barry and Brenda.

Yeah, it's not Barry and Brenda in the store, isn't it?

But yeah, she says knocked on, and I'd never heard knocked on before.

And close to.

Do you say close to?

Like, she says, oh, I don't know.

I haven't seen it close to, she'll say, instead of close up.

No, I haven't heard that one.

I haven't heard that one.

Give me another one.

She says, this is a phrase she uses a lot.

Oh, James, stop being such a fucking idiot.

Have you heard that?

Oh, I've heard that plenty of time.

I use it.

Well, I mean, the problem is now is that, you know, we'd want to get onto the main meal again, but now I have loads more questions, but this time they're for Ed because

I didn't know that there was a little boy that Ed used to play with in the garden, and they would climb over to each other's fences.

And that when Ed wasn't there, he'd be calling out for Ed, I want to know who this little boy was.

If Ed still knows the little boy.

No, I don't know him anymore.

We were once hanging out on top of his shed.

He had a big flat roof shed.

And he dared me to do a poo off the edge of it.

And I did it.

Your dream starter.

Like I said at the beginning, this for me is the question that I ask everyone.

So I've got my answers nailed down now.

My go-to starter has to be Gambas Pill Pil, which is the Spanish, like a tap.

I love tapash, you see.

So it's like a garlic and chili king prawn dish in sizzling olive oil that I would have with freshly made bread, still warm, that I can dip into the olive oil.

That's my starter.

That's my dream starter.

I love it.

Sounds delicious.

I love it because it's exciting when it comes to the table.

Anything that's sizzling when it arrives at the table, you're like, my evening's starting.

Here we go.

There's a party happening.

Yeah, and exactly what you mean.

And the smell and the fumes coming from the, oh, yeah.

And it's always in one of those terracotta little those little dishes i just think it looks it looks better as well and straight away when you see it you just want to eat it is this the same bread that you've had as your starter that you're dipping into the gas gas pill pill um gambas pill gas gas gambas

you know what change it up let's have let's have another bread i've got bread for starter we'll start a starter pattern martin's bread is the starter yes and this one has to be just a regular baguette that you rip you can rip apart and then dip.

We need to know the order of which, because you've obviously thought about the water and how you do the water.

Yeah.

You obviously care about the details.

So what we need to know is the Gambas pill pill is arriving, not the Gas Gas pill pill.

That's for after the meal.

Avarenny.

Are you dipping straight away or are you eating the prawns and then dipping in what's left?

Or are you dipping prawn, dipping prawn, dipping prawn?

No, I dip straight away because I need to taste if it's going to be by the olive oil.

I know if that's going to be a good gambas pill pill just by the taste of the olive oil so i dip dip dip obviously at normally it's sizzling so the prawns are going to be like larva in your mouth so i need to wait for them to cool down and then afterwards it's prawn dip prawn dip at the end get the remaining bit of bread and just soak up all the goodness have you always been someone who uses the bread to soak everything up or can you remember there being a time in your life when you started mopping up stuff with the bread because i remember being a kid and when i started doing that it was a revelation What did you mop up?

Was it gravy?

It'd be gravy, yeah, whatever was on the plate, normally gravy, and then suddenly being like, Oh, this is like what probably saw my dad do it or something, and be like, That's it, that looks genius.

Yeah, that's.

I saw my

stepdad doing it after a roast dinner when I was young, and I looked at him and I was like, What the hell are you doing?

What are you doing?

Mom's gonna go mad.

But looking at that bread, absorbed, you know, the gravy and like the mashed potato, it just looks so appetizing so then since that day that's what I do now at the end of a meet roast dinner I mop the gravy up with bread just before you saw your stepdad doing that did you see him climbing back over the fence with the bread in his hand

no because that bread was too thick I can't use wet that wedge it's just normally like a thin warbitons thin warby sponge if I'm in a restaurant and I see prawns or calamari or something like seafoodie, small and seafoodie, as a starter, you can bet in most places that have got that right yeah it'll be it'll be good they're always a good way to start a meal i always find dishes like that are the best at like family-run restaurants you know that aren't big um corporate restaurants that um have got only small like small sit-ins and like there's actually a restaurant near me you can't book there's no phone they don't answer the phone so it's first come first serve and it's always always full and it's a um a family run spanish obviously restaurant and the food in in there is insane.

No, you could just tell it's not like batch cooks and things like that.

It's just so fresh.

Do you want to give it a shout out?

Yeah, it's called San Juan.

San Juan in Cholton.

And I went there last week and I couldn't get in.

So now when I go there, please, guys, at San Juan, if I'm there, I would like to get a table regardless whether it's full or not.

No chance now you've mentioned it.

There's going to be cues out the door.

I know.

Oh,

backfired.

I didn't think of that.

But thanks to you, though.

So surely

they should put you, bump you up the list a bit.

Are you sharing this, by the way?

Well, I'm meeting.

No way.

No.

No.

Although, see, again, because I love tapas, I like little dishes.

So I do like picking at other people's plates.

I'm one of those that says, no, thank you.

And then

someone gets it, sorry.

I'm the first one with my fingers on that plate going, okay, just try this.

So maybe

I would let someone have a prawn if they let me have some of their starter as well.

So what would be your dream other person's starter?

If you're in that situation,

you've got your tap pass.

Great question.

What are you hoping they've got that you can get a little bit of?

Oh, that's a very, very good question.

Oh, I've got it.

Burrata with palma ham,

truffle, a bit of truffle, a bit on a bit on there.

And then again, olive oil and rocket

on a plate.

It's moppable.

Exactly.

It's moppable.

Get the bread in there again.

Just keep mopping everything up with the bread.

Use the bread.

Oh my God, I'm starving.

Absolutely starving.

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Your dream main course.

And what I've decided to do with this one now is have side dishes.

Am I allowed to do that?

Well, let's hear it first.

Let's hear it.

Okay.

We'll make the call.

Trying to cheat again?

Really?

Yeah, yeah, you know what?

I'm just, I kind of believe this now.

I was glad you're calling it, Michelle.

But I'm trying to bend the rules, aren't I?

You should be like, it's black and white.

You need to, you know, but I can't help it.

I need to bend the rules.

So, I would like really good chippy chips,

obviously, with lots and lots of vinegar.

And then I want a portion of curry sauce, portion of gravy, and some mayonnaise.

Then we go back to the bread again, and I want Warburton's thick sliced bread, thick with Lerpak.

And I want to make my own chip butties.

But because

people have chips for a side dish, don't they?

Yeah.

Could I just have that as a side?

You could have a chip butty as a side dish.

Yeah.

You would like to have build your own chip butti as a side, and you've got a different main course in mind.

Well, I've got one, I've got a main course and I've got another side.

Okay.

And you want curry sauce.

Yes.

Was it mayonnaise?

Yes.

That's my favourite.

That's my favourite condiment.

Mayonnaise.

I don't do tomato sauce.

I don't do brown sauce.

It's the mayonnaise.

So it's build yourself

because no one makes them like you do, I guess, right?

Take us through the technique for the perfect Michelle Keegan chip butty.

So obviously the bread, warbies, lots of Lurpack on there.

A thin layer of chips.

You don't need to go hardcore with the chips because it's going to be too, it's too, it's going to be too much.

Which one?

One deep?

I'd say one deep.

Yeah.

One deep.

And then the other piece of bread squished on top.

And then to squish it down.

You flatten it.

You flatten it and then you dip away oh you're dipping so you're not put you're not putting the sauce or the mayo within the within the chip butty you're literally making the chip butty a standard and then dipping in all three yeah dip dip dip with each dip are you just doing one sauce while you dip in the curry sauce have a bite dip in the mayonnaise have a bite are you dip dip dip in all of them and then have a big bite of no change it up change it up gravy eat curry eat mayonnaise eat and then i'll probably do that again in that order.

Or if I really like one more than the others, I'll probably go for that one more.

We don't normally take a little break and look back on the menu when we're only halfway through.

But I just want a little recap: that so far your menu is bread, bread dipped in something, and bread dipped in something.

Yeah,

you've had a big wedge of bread from your neighbours.

You've had

some corns in some olive oil, but mainly you've been having a whole baguette with them.

And now

you've got loads of bread that you're putting more carbs inside and dipping in more.

I didn't think of that.

I must be able to sauce with bread.

Yeah, yeah, but I do, I do, I love bread.

I love, I love bread.

I'm like Joey out of friends with these sandwiches.

Like, I love sandwiches.

I've got a good fact.

Yeah.

I have a sandwich, actually.

Do you know BLT stands for bacon, lettuce, and tomato?

Yes.

Imagine if that's the fact that you dropped it.

Bang, boom.

Drop the mic.

I'm done.

That's all.

I'm leaving you on that.

Now, do you know what a club stands for?

No, go on.

Chicken lettuce under bacon.

Wow.

Really?

That is a good thing.

No, I assumed because it was invented at a club or something.

No.

Chicken lettuce under bacon.

I love it.

That's really good.

How good is that?

I only found that out a few days ago and it blew my mind.

I want a club sandwich now.

Toast that.

I want some bread.

Club sandwich.

At a hotel.

I only really have club sandwiches at hotels that you're lucky enough that they serve a club sandwich late oh it's very rare and every now and then do you get chips do you get chips for your club sandwich yes please absolutely

i do room service yeah oh yeah and sometimes i add cheese to it as well i add cheese to the club sandwich making it a bit more extra so what would that what would that make it a

club act club act chicken lettuce under bacon add cheese

yeah yeah

add cheese

that's gonna going to become a thing.

People will be asking.

That's definitely going to become a thing.

I've got a paid in that.

So this is sounding great.

Also,

since you brought up how much you love sandwiches and stuff like that, recently I've been doing some work

around Hoxton.

And around the corner is this place called Dom's Subs.

And I have had so many subs from there.

Absolutely amazing.

The grapow is my favourite.

Really like, it's like some minced kind of pork and like really spicy loads of chilies in it.

Really Really

wet, really wet sandwich, really wet sub.

And I've been absolutely going crazy for that.

And they do these great cheese toasties that have kimchi in them and kim cheese toasties.

So good.

See, I'm expecting your main course to be a sandwich now.

It's going to be a shame if it's not bread-based.

It is on the carb train, though.

Of course.

It's some sort of pasta.

Maybe like I just like pesto pasta.

I like a good homemade pesto pasta.

linguine.

Out of all my pastas, that's my favourite.

Is it shape?

What is it?

What do you call it?

Shape?

Yeah, I'd say shape.

Yeah.

So, yeah, a really good pesto pasta with lots of Parmesan cheese on top.

Um, and a few chili flakes just to give it that hum that everyone, you know, the chefs say, they've got the hum in there, just give it a bit, give it a bit of hum.

And then on the side, and I've already done a side, I would like garlic bread cheese.

I know really not just saying it.

Oh, Oh, and let me guess.

You're dipping the garlic bread in the pesto.

Probably at the end, yeah, to clean the bowl.

This is absolutely insane.

Wow.

Can you guess what my dessert's going to be?

Breakoffo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course it is.

It's got to be, right?

I mean, I feel like, you know, I knew today I was having to prepare myself.

Okay, Michelle's coming on.

She beat me at Bake Off.

Yeah, just to try and put that out your mind.

Every five seconds, you're picking up bread all the time.

Yeah, bake off.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I must be addicted to it.

The reason why I've picked the pesto pasta is because I did

Who Do You Think You Are a couple of years ago

and we had to go

Genoa, Genoa, Genoa, northern Italy.

I'm not sure.

Yeah, basically, that's where my ancestors are from.

And there was like this little tiny cafe next to our hotel where we were staying in, and it was the best pesto pasta I've ever had in my entire life, ever.

And

I think with food as well, it's the, everything that comes with it.

It's the, you know, surroundings, this, like how you're giving the food, like the member of staff, if you're at a restaurant.

I think everything as a collective adds to that moment.

So that for me, for my last meal, I want to be in that restaurant with the same waiter eating that specific dish.

Same waiter.

Same waiter.

He was such a lovely guy.

Who was the waiter?

So I'm tagging out for this.

It was like, you know, when you walk in a restaurant and there's a character that's larger than life,

it was like that.

Like he was singing.

It's just what you imagine an Italian waiter to be.

Remember in Lady in the Trap?

Trap?

And the waiter's outside and he feeds them spaghetti meatballs.

Yeah.

That was basically the waiter in this Italian restaurant.

I just loved it.

The pesto thing makes it.

So I always get the name of the series wrong because it's like salt, fat, acid, heat.

Is that the order of it?

I think that's the name of it.

Yeah, I think that is.

And one of the episodes, they go to Italy and make pesto.

Oh, yeah.

and i like pesto anyway

but seeing them make it was like i want to try that yeah pesto it just looks so good and uh i'm very jealous you've been to italy and had proper pesto there yeah well apparently the pesto is actually made first made in genoa that's where it came from so i was in the place where it first was created which was oh gee unbelievable yeah yeah i've got no respect for that waiter and lady in the tramp why

because he's serving dogs and he's like playing accordion to dogs and and stuff.

Yeah.

I just think your priority should be human customers if you're a good waiter.

Get back in the kitchen, please.

Yeah.

And I'm not going to eat at that restaurant if I see the waiter fraternizing with,

let's be honest, stray dogs.

Oh, no, see,

that's my dream.

That would be me.

If I worked in a restaurant, I'd be at the back feeding stray dogs.

Let's face it.

Judging by your childhood, you'd be the stray dog.

I don't know.

Imagine being the boss of that restaurant and looking out the window and doing it.

Do you think he'd get sacked?

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

That waiter should have been sacked immediately.

You'd do a double check and be like,

what the fuck?

He's playing the accordion to him and everything.

They're eating a whole plate of spaghetti and meatballs to stop.

Set up a table for them.

He's lost it.

Yeah, he's gone mad.

And then you talk to him and he's like, they're in love.

The two dogs are in love.

You're like, oh, God.

Giuseppe, you got to get help, man.

The dogs are in love.

They're not in love.

They like the meatballs you feed them.

Did you not see the meat eat the bit of spaghetti all the way to the middle and they kiss?

They're fighting for it.

They're fighting for it.

The dogs are fighting for the spaghetti.

Yeah.

We might have met in the middle because they're fighting for each other for the last strand of spaghetti.

You can't do this.

I'm prepared to allow this extra side, and I'll tell you why.

The pasta is very plain, simple pasta, which I'm I'm aware is like, you know, meant to be.

That's, that's the best stuff.

This is the simple stuff.

But, you know, you've a very modest dish.

And just because you've chosen another, yet another bit of bread, I think I want to allow it.

Because I just want to, if this was a real, you know, if I was sitting here watching you eat this meal, I would want to see how much bread you're really capable of having.

My body could have, yeah, my body could take before it burst.

This is cheesy garlic bread.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So is this from a particular place?

Is there somewhere that's your favourite kind of cheesy garlic bread?

There's a good Italian actually near me called San Giovanni, which I always get that as a starter.

I think the thinner the bread for this one, the better.

So it's like a pizza base, homemade, really thin, so the edge is like just crisp.

And again, it has to be the right amount of garlic and the right amount of cheese.

And they just get it so right in that restaurant.

Do you want to see proper bits of garlic on there?

Or do you want it to be just a garlic butter that's been soaked on it?

The one that they use is like garlic butter, but it's been like,

I don't know, I don't think it's grated.

There's bits of garlic there, but it's not sliced garlic, so it's not overpowering.

But you can definitely feel the texture of garlic on your tongue, so it's very garlicky, which I love.

I love garlic.

I put garlic in everything when I cook.

Yeah, got it, right?

Got to.

Like, every time I make broccoli, garlic, yeah, chicken, stuff it with garlic, everything,

yeah, meringue,

bread and butter pudding garlic yeah why can't i say why can't i say bread and but why i can't say it you're not saying you've said bread too many times today you've done your quota

yeah yeah your body's like stop saying bread yeah

try again bread and butter pudding bread and butter pudding i'm struggling

bread and butter pudding there we go i've now have a question about this side this build your own chip buddy because you've got a bowl of pasta in front of you you've got some cheesy garlic bread on the side and then you've got a full build your own chip like a portion of chip shop chips with uh a loaf of warbuttons and you've got all the dips and the lerpack yeah so when you're how are you dividing your time are you just eating all the pasta with the garlic bread those two together and then you're going on to the build your own chip butty or is the build your own chip butty also getting like you're going back and forth between that and the pasta and the garlic bread i think i'm going to go back and forth because i probably will be quite full eventually.

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

And I want to taste everything.

So I think the first thing that I'd have, I'd have is the slice of garlic bread and cheese because I don't want the cheese to get hard.

I still want it to be hot.

And when I pull it away, when it's had those strings coming off it.

So for me, I'd have the sliced garlic bread and cheese first.

And then I'd probably have a chip.

just one chip not the butty just a chip yeah and then i'll go into the pasta see if it's actually really good i like to swizzle the fork.

That's how I eat the pasta.

I don't like, I don't get why people spoon it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Surely if you're eating spaghetti or linguine, you you twizzle the pasta, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

So I'll have that, I have a big mouthful of that, and then I'm set.

I've tasted everything, everything's amazing.

Then I'll do the butty.

Yeah.

But I won't eat the butty the whole thing.

I'll just have a bite of it and keep going back to that bite.

Had the bite, put it down, then move on again.

I've really thought this through it.

I've really thought this through.

No, this is the level of detail we genuinely appreciate.

I'm all about the detail.

Here's what would happen to me in this situation.

I don't know about Ed.

I would get tempted to make a pasta butty.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Oh,

no.

I'd be all over that pasta butty in a heartbeat.

I'd do it.

Like, fold it over, like, get the bread and fold the pastant.

Yeah, I'd do spaghetti chips, curry sauce, mayonnaise, and gravy, and garlic bread, all in a butty.

Oh, my God, this sounds unbelievable.

Guys, my mouse

is stirving.

This is like torture now.

This is torture for me.

That sounds unbelievable.

And I've never tried that.

I'm going to try it.

And when I do, I'm going to send you a picture just to prove that I've done it.

Please do.

I would want to make little mini pasta butties just with the garlic bread.

So I want to have two slices of garlic bread with pasta in between and make a little

slider for myself.

Oh, yeah.

Oh God, that sounds great as well.

So as main connoisseurs as yourselves, would you say that's a good main?

I think that it is undeniably and categorically insane.

Especially with

the build your own buddy involved.

But I totally get it.

Yeah.

I totally get that.

It's not always a case of...

You choose the things that are meant to go well together or the things that are, you know, that you would have on a normal night.

Dream meal, meal these are my favorite things and i just want to have them all at the same time all together that's exactly what it is james and the thing is we don't need to give me a whole portion of chips we don't need that just give me a handful also i i the genius of it for me i don't normally like a chip butty if i'm honest

but I've never considered just going one layer because when I think about chip butties, they're piled high with chips and you've got the bread on the outside.

It's too much.

But now I really want to try a one layer chip butty.

One layer, because you can taste the salt and vinegar, you can taste the gravy, you can taste the butter, like the thin, oh yeah, it's just honestly, it's a game changer.

I'm, like I said before, I'm a picker.

I like picking at food.

So more choice for me, the better.

I always say that with roast dinners, as soon as I get a roast dinner in front of my, in front of my face, and it's a big, big plate full of food, I don't know what happens, but I'm just not hungry.

I'll have one spoonful and I'm just like, no.

I can't do it.

But if it's a roast dinner buffet, you can help yourself and do it yourself.

i can eat the whole plate what i've put on the plate interesting it's like psychological it's really weird there's a thing that we have in our family and we have it like like a weekend like a friday or saturday and it's called a bits table and we have all our favorite foods like we have a baked camember we have palma hams salamis chorizos

again garlic bread redded mushrooms

cheese board we have all it laid out in front of the tv and you know everyone has a takeaway takeaway.

We have a bits table.

That's our treat for the week.

And again, that's where I must get it from.

Like, that's that.

I've had that all my life.

Where Saturday night, Friday night is a treat night.

And we have a picky table.

And I think that's why I love picking food so much.

So the bits table you've done your whole life?

Yeah.

And it's always been called bits table from when you were always.

My grandma did it, bits table.

Sunday morning, go around hers for breakfast, but it wasn't really breakfast.

It was just lots and lots of food on lots of plates.

Like a buffet.

It's so interesting because anyone else saying that, I'd assume, oh, they've gone to the supermarket, they've bought loads of bits, and they've organized the bits table.

Your family, I'd imagine all those bits have come from just everyone in the local neighborhood.

You're just going around nicking food off all the neighbors, yeah, that's nice as a bits table.

Yeah, you can point at a bit and say the postcode of where you nicked it from.

You're not wrong, it makes sense.

Dream drink.

Am I having a drink for every course, or is it just one drink throughout the whole meal?

You know what?

Yeah.

We did our dream menus on this podcast for the 100th episode.

And because a lot of people had come on, mainly chefs, had chosen a different drink for every course and we completely allowed it.

So we really wanted to make use of that.

And we did it as well.

We had a different drink for every course, me and Ed.

So we can't tell people they can't do that.

Okay.

I would like, before I start anything,

have a pina colada Because I can't have a pina colada while I'm eating because it's like a bit of a dessert.

So before I even have the bread, or the actually, when I get my sill water, I would really like a pina colada with that as well.

Okay.

So I can wash it down.

Is that before the bread?

That's before the bread.

So you're quite pissed when you're climbing over the fence.

Before I climb over the fence, I always had a pina colada.

Yes.

That's what gave me the confidence to do that.

It gave me the confidence.

Before these five courses of bread you've got coming up, you'd like a pint of cream.

That's how that was going to be.

This is a big swing.

I'd have a pina collard, but I like it to be, like James said, a creamy one.

I hate when it's been made and it's like juice.

It's not the real one.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's not real.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

I had one the other day, actually, and I just refuse to drink it.

Yeah.

No.

It's wrong.

It's not a pina collard.

It's pineapple juice with a bit of coconut froth.

I think

as the meal progresses, I don't like fizzy drinks like I don't like fizzy water, gatty, it doesn't quench first, it's just rubbish.

So, I wouldn't have anything like that.

You know, I'd have while I'm eating a nice orange cordial because it's an easy drink, it's easy to drink.

I've never known anyone in any situation to go from pina colada to orange squash

wasn't what I was anticipating when you went, you know, what I'll have.

I was like, I'm half expected to say butter beer.

I was like, there's absolutely no way.

I thought butterbeer as well.

I thought butterbeer was coming up.

Yeah, it's the closest to

being able to drink bread, isn't it?

I just don't like drinking loads while I'm eating, especially what I'm eating as well.

I need something to help me, you know, wash it down.

And it's just easy drinking cordial.

And I like just orange cordial with ice in it.

So I'd have that and then after my main that's when i'll go on the heavy stuff that's when the cocktails come into play

so pina colada doesn't count as a cocktail or heavy no that's just a noose bouche that's an amous bouche i kick yeah there's a line the stomach before the bread hits it that's what that's doing

um so then i'll go on the heavy stuff after my main and i think i'd actually go for a really nice picante.

You didn't like that.

Both of you didn't like that.

I can tell you.

I'm nodding.

I love a picante.

Yeah, fuck.

Why do you?

I absolutely love a Picante.

Delicious.

Okay, that's a good one.

Only because I only just started getting into that this year.

Was it this year?

Beginning of this year?

The first time I tried it.

And I absolutely loved it.

You know what I think it is?

It's because it's got that savoury, yeah, sort of.

It's got the heat.

It's got the heat.

Now, hold on.

What is this?

It's basically, it's basically a margarita, but with chili in it, right?

Yes.

It's tequila, lime, and chili.

That's it.

Oh, I love it.

The only reason I looked blank, Michelle, is because I didn't know what it was.

Absolutely sounds delicious.

It's gorgeous.

I don't like anything, like, obviously, I like my pina colada.

That's take that out of the equation.

I don't like anything too sweet, like a, I don't know, like a porn star martini or anything like that.

I like it quite clean, but it has to have something, I don't know, something about it.

So for me, picante has to be my top choice as a cocktail.

That's a great choice.

No, I love a picante.

So you've got picante, and is that for the rest of your youth?

Want that?

Because all we've got left is your dessert now.

So is that like with your dessert?

No, I think with the dessert, with the dessert, I'd like to have a really nice, oaky, vanilla-y Chardonnay.

Out of all my friends, I'm the only one that actually drinks Chardonnay because I don't like Pinot Grigiot and I don't like Sauvignon Blanc.

I just find them really like,

I can't explain the, you know, like quite tangy.

Acidic.

Acidic, yeah, really acidic.

chardonnay i found a really nice one for majestic wine am i allowed to say this by the way yeah yeah yeah called bread and butter oh no fuck off oh my god no

are you joking michelle oh my god i love looking thinkable

oh i need locking up i need locking up

something's wrong no something's very wrong with me Something's very wrong.

It took me a second to click because I was like, I think I've heard of that, but hang on, what?

What?

It is.

Google it.

There's a Chardonnay called bread and butter.

Yeah.

And it's really unique.

It's really okay.

And it's one of the nicest Chardonnay.

Now it all makes sense.

It all makes sense.

I like it so much.

That is incredible.

My friends always said to me that Chardonnay is like an old person's drink that was massive in the 70s or something.

No one drinks it anymore.

Yeah.

Enter Takig's.

Yeah.

Love it.

Anything with bread and butter on the label, I'll have it.

So we made a joke that you were going to have bread and butter pudding and we were like, oh God, imagine.

But instead, you're having bread and butter with pudding.

I can't believe it.

So wasn't it?

You were nearly right.

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What is for your dessert?

See, this is a difficult one for me because I'm not a dessert kind of gal.

I'm

feel free, though, Michelle, if you don't like anything sweet, you can probably have something savory for dessert if you want.

Shut up.

Ed.

I feel like I'm like this.

I feel like

I would always say I have a cheeseboard, but listen, listen, listen to me.

If I was beat on bake-off by a cheeseboard motherfucker, I am going to absolutely flip the fuck out of it.

Michelle, Michelle, if you want a cheeseboard, and just imagine what you have with the cheese board, a little bit of extra bread.

If I was beat on bake-off by someone who doesn't even like desserts and sweets and made a bunch of bakes that they would rather if if i swear to high christ if you choose a cheese board right now this is gonna be the most i've ever flipped out on this podcast michelle michelle just don't be guided by james if you want a cheese board you can have a bit of bread with it you can and the wine you're having wine wine is so lovely

that's what i mean like yeah wine and and

lovely cheese board god and that is something if i was in a restaurant and i had to order a dessert it would be a cheese board.

So, this is your dream meal, Michelle.

So,

you should have what you want, really.

You've just eaten a fucking bakery's worth of bread.

Why the fuck are you going to have a cheese board at the end of it?

You have what you want, Michelle, you know?

Michelle.

Very hard.

Very hard.

But I'm going to have good instincts.

I'm going to have to have a cheese board.

Yes.

Oh, you absolute piece of shit, Michelle.

You suck.

You suck.

You suck.

You suck.

That was the worst day of my life.

That was the worst day of my life.

Are you fucking joking me?

Beat me on bake.

You gotta go on instinct.

It took a lot for me to agree to have you on this shit.

I opposed it many times over.

Every fucking time they suggested having you on.

I said, there's no way I'm letting her in the dream restaurant.

She beats me on bacon, but I'm pretty sure she cheated.

You come in here and you choose a cheese board as your dessert.

What the fuck?

I hope your bits table catches on fire next time you have a next time you all sit down and have bits together.

I hope you're not.

No, no, because my cheese board will be on it, though, James.

My cheese board will be on that bitch table.

What is a cheese board if not?

I love your little bits table.

Jesus.

Again, again, it's what's not to like.

Salty, savoury.

Love it.

I love cheeseboards.

It's a dessert.

Bits.

There's bits.

I like that.

Bits.

It's a little bits table.

Why don't you just make a cheese board when you were on bake-off if you love it so much?

Why don't you just present them with some cheese and crackers at the end and say that was your happy place?

What sort of cheeses do you want, Michelle?

Let's talk through the cheese.

Cheeses aren't there.

Fuck, I'm angry.

I'm burping.

I'm so angry.

I've never burped out of anger before.

I'm crying.

That makes two of us.

I literally was just going to go with another option, but I was like,

I have to be true to myself.

I have to be true to the listeners.

What is the matter with you?

And I need to be true to you guys.

It would be a cheeseboard yeah eating bread for every single course and then you have some crackers at the end

but i said at the beginning i am a savory gal i like my savory salty foods yeah and at the end of the meal i like to have a nice sip of wine with some camembert yes absolutely lovely camembert this is horrible it feels horrible i i would i was i was i i'm getting beat on bake off by a savory gal

you're not going to get over this are you james Never going to get over this.

Bake Off was bad enough as it was.

It was scar enough and traumatic enough.

I had to live with it rattling around in my head all the time somewhere in the background.

And now I know a savory gal came out as the maker, making cakes and pastries.

And I wear that apron with pride.

When I'm eating my cheese, I'm wearing that apron with pride.

What's even better about this is you started with a pina colada.

So you obviously don't mind

just to really rub it in.

Really sweet drink at the beginning.

I love other pina coladas.

When I went on drunk history, I drank loads of pina coladas.

Delicious.

That's a sweet boy drink, that is.

It is.

Started with a pina colada.

Looks like we're okay.

Oh my, I did not see this coming.

It feels horrible.

Look, I'm...

Oh, I know I've got to let you chat about the cheese board with Ed now.

Yeah.

But

I'm absolutely furious about this.

You're raging, James.

All the the signs were there.

Michelle likes to end her day with some ham on toast.

See?

Crisps.

She's a savory.

That's how she likes to finish off her day.

She likes to drink water in the night because she's had so much salt.

Well done.

See?

You know me already.

You knew this was going to happen.

You knew it was going to happen.

It was always going to be a cheese board.

Always.

Seeded from the beginning.

Michelle,

what cheeses?

Oh, God.

Would you like on that?

Here we go.

I'm going to check my emails while you do this.

You can't fucking miss it.

I love it.

I love it.

Right.

What cheeses?

I like camembert.

Lovely.

I like, I tried this one the other day.

It was gorgeous.

It was a truffle brie.

Oh, yes.

Love the truffle brie.

With the little, like, the layer of truffle in the middle of it.

That's delicious.

So good.

And you don't put it in the fridge.

That's a trick.

Just put it out.

Brie or camembert in the fridge.

No, you put it in the fucking bin.

So bitter.

I love it.

I love it.

For someone who loves sweet stuff so much, he is rather bitter.

Yeah, he's so bitter.

But yeah, you leave it to room temperature.

That's how I like my brie and calamber.

And then I do really like, you know, that smoky cheese.

Is it Applewood or something?

Yeah, Applewood smoked cheese.

Yes, delicious.

Simple.

Yeah.

So nice and simple smoke.

Even more savoury, if anything.

Yeah, exactly.

Ed, you know me so well now.

I love it.

Getting on like a house on fire, too, are you?

Like

a really creamy gorgonzola.

Oh, lovely.

Really sort of punchy, punchy blue situation, yeah.

Yeah.

And on the side, I'd like some quince.

Oh, so there is a little bit of sweetness there.

That's probably enough sweetness for a dessert.

Absolutely not.

That's disgusting quince jelly.

I love quince.

It's a traitor.

It's a traitor to the sweet world.

A little bit of chutney.

Is that a cheerleader?

Yeah, nice and sweet.

And then some rosemary sprigs.

Now, what are you doing with the sprigs?

I sprinkle them on top of it.

If I have a cracker, put a bit of camber, sprinkle like two or three sprigs and eat it that way.

Can't believe my eyes.

If you haven't tried it, you need to try it.

Raw rosemary.

Really?

Raw, honestly.

Raw rosemary, yeah.

I'm going to do it.

Just two or three.

Absolutely delicious.

Some cheese.

Oh, so good.

Here's a question for you, Michelle.

You're a fan of.

visiting Trafalgar Square?

Yeah, I've been there a few times.

Yes.

Well, good news.

Come on.

I'm about to throw you into Trafalgar Square.

Like a piece of bread.

What I do to anybody on this podcast.

The good thing about Michelle is she can link anything with bread.

Look, he can't even look at it.

He's really upset today.

Anyone who comes on this podcast who chooses cheeseboard, I throw them into Trafalgar Square, no matter where they are geographically.

I don't mind throwing you from Chalton.

The thing is now, you've thrown so many people in Trafalgar Square.

We're having such a nice old cheese party in Trafalgar Square now, mate.

I know.

It's just all the cheese people.

And winners as well.

Cheese people and winners, which James, you are not.

I'll be climbing over Barbara and Barry's fence.

I'll be gorging myself on 99s that they've given me.

Brenda and Barry.

Whatever their names are.

I'm getting all their ice cream.

I'm going to go over and they're going to go, why doesn't Michelle come out here anymore?

I thought, I'll tell you why, because she likes cheese boards now.

And they're going to go, I hope she fucking dies.

Is that what they will say?

Bit much from Brenda and Barry, I think.

Yeah, actually, even I think that's over the line from them.

There they are, Brenda and Barry.

I apologise for that, Michelle.

Yeah, that was out of order for Brenda and Barry.

Right, James, read Michelle a menu back.

Okay, right.

Michelle, I'm gonna read you your menu back now.

Uh, this is always the worst of read backs because I know where it's heading.

I know what the final destination of this menu is.

Here we go.

You would like some still water.

Popped on some bread, you would like Pat and Martin's bread and butter.

Starter, you want Gamba's Pill Pill with freshly made baguette, still warm, and olive oil.

Main course, pesto d'Inguini from the restaurant in Genoa with the same waiter and a side of garlic bread with cheese.

Your official side dish is a build-y-own chip butty, really good chippy chips with salt and vinegar, curry sauce, gravy, mayo, Warburton's thick-sliced bread with Lerpak.

Drink, you want a pina colada pre-meal, during meal orange cordial, after your main picante, and with dessert, bread and butter chardonnay.

Dessert?

You would like to get front into Trafalgar Square with fresh rosemary sprigs dumped on top of your head with your face down in the fence.

Can't believe it.

Oh, that just sounds perfect.

I cannot believe it.

I'll tell you what.

This has put me in a bad mood now for the day.

It's during your week and it totally changed.

And if you notice, mine has as well.

I'm sort of more open.

I'm perky.

I'm ready to go.

I'm ready to attack the day.

I'm going to go downstairs.

I've got some cheese in the fridge, Michelle.

I'm going to go and eat.

Here we go.

What cheese is it?

I hope it's not brie in the fridge, and I hope it's not coming them in the fridge.

No brie in the fridge.

I've got a lemon citron tart in the fridge, and I'll be eating that.

Oh, no.

All kinds are wrong.

James.

What's a problem?

Lemon citron.

One, it's too tangy for a start.

Too citrusy.

And there's nothing to it.

And what's really frustrating about that for you is she could make a really good one as well, James.

Because

you've hit the nail on the head.

That helps about all of this stuff.

She'd make a really great one.

It'd be delicious.

Doesn't even appreciate it.

Michelle, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

I'm sorry you've ended up in Trafalgar Square.

It's been lovely to speak to you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you so much for having me on, guys.

I've actually loved it.

Thank you, Michelle.

I hope series three of Brassic is an absolute failure and no one watches it.

Hope to see you again soon, James.

Hopefully, in another baking competition.

Oh, man.

Well, there we are.

Another wonderful episode of Off Menu.

Perfect menu there from Michelle.

Thank you so much for coming on, Michelle.

James farting out of anger now.

After you burped out of anger.

You really are a disgusting little boy sometimes.

The burp was one of the most awful things I've ever seen.

Yep.

It was like an obnoxious, horrible little burp, like a bully.

Yes.

Like a a bully from McCarty.

Well, not as disgusting as having a cheese board as a dessert, is it?

No.

So it's way less.

That's my objection.

That's why I'm displaying how disgusted I am.

Letting people know how that makes me feel.

There'll be loads of people listening to this podcast who are absolutely with me and probably burped in unison with me when that happens.

No one burped in unison, mate.

No one's ever done that.

Twitter.

Tweet us if you burped in unison, guys.

Hashtag I burped in unison.

Yes.

At off-menu official.

Hashtag I burped in unison.

Let us know.

Or hashtag I farted with joy.

Yeah.

That's how you vote, whether you like cheese boards or not.

Hashtag I burped in unison or hashtag I farted in joy.

And great Benito, we'll count them all one by one and we'll let you know the winner next week.

And you have to say, hey, Mr.

Benito,

I've got a reaction for you, oh.

And then the hashtag.

Yeah.

Which, again, I'll remind you, hashtag I burped in unison, hashtag I farted in joy.

And she didn't say desiccated coconut.

That's what we need to remember, James.

Yeah, so we could have kick her out for that, which was really annoying.

I was hoping that that would be there right at the end when that horrible cheese board was being detailed and catalogued i thought just say and i'll have a little cup of desiccated coconut please so i can kick you out thank you michelle i really enjoyed that episode and don't forget to watch brassic series three which is on sky and you can get it from now their streaming service all episodes available now on now Fair enough.

Do watch that actually.

It's stupendous.

Now, if you enjoy that sort of thing, don't forget to vote for us in the National Comedy Awards.

Go to thencomediawards.com and vote for us in Best Comedy Podcast.

And when you've done all your votes, they'll send you an email.

You have to click on the email to confirm your votes.

Don't forget to do that because

we need to go to this ceremony.

We want to be on the shortlist.

We want to go to the party.

It'll be a lovely Christmas time for us.

Even though it sounds more complicated than voting in an actual election, just please do it so we get to go to the party.

Yes.

I can't stress enough.

There's 30 podcasts on the long list.

If we get knocked out at this stage, it'll be like going out in red light, green light.

But let's face it, if we were in red light, green light, I mean, I'll be the first one out.

Yeah.

Straight away.

You would be.

I'll wobble.

Bang.

Yeah.

I'd be the happy old man.

Yeah, you would be the happy old man.

Benito would be the big doll.

Yeah, he would be shooting everybody by getting what he wanted.

James, I have a vinyl out.

It's a live stand-up comedy vinyl that I recorded at the Blackheart in Camden pre-pandemic.

That's right.

Everyone, make sure you get Ed's amazing vinyl for his show.

I can't hear you above the splashing of my neighbour's dick blood.

You may struggle to hear me above the crunch of my enemy's skulls.

It's a beautiful thing.

The cover has been designed by my friend, a wonderful designer and tattoo artist, Ian Seller.

And it's a beautiful thing.

You can go to edgamblestore.com to buy that.

There is a black vinyl version and a blood splatter vinyl version, limited edition.

Also go to edgamble.co.uk and book tickets for my tour which starts in February 2022.

It's called Electric and I'm really enjoying getting it ready for you.

Please buy my things and come to my things and vote for me in awards and I'm so desperate for love.

I think that vinyl looks so amazing.

I think it's so exciting.

Like even if you're listening to this and you think Ed is a shit comedian, you should still buy that vinyl.

It is an absolute work of art.

Even if you're like, I can't stand Ed Gamble.

Also, what I would say, if you can't stand stand me as a comedian, but you think I'm I can be quick and funny, it's mainly we wanted to do a proper live show.

It's it's it's a lot of crowd work, it's properly like a

proper live, a live environment comedy show.

So, go and get that one of the best and the best when it comes.

Everyone will tell you one of the quickest wits around.

Material dog shit, but don't worry, there's not a lot on there.

But come and see my number two,

some for some of the dog shit.

Thanks for listening to the Off Many podcast.

We'll see you again next week.

Goodbye.

If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James A Caster or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun.

No, thank you.

Oh, okay.

Not to worry.

If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic.

Right.

It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend Stevie Martin.

Which is weirdly me.

And we tackle all kinds of how-tos, from big things to small things.

How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love.

A smorgasbord of thing.

Absolutely.

We have a nice time.

People seem to like it.

If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about.

All that fuss.

What's it called?

Nobody panic.

You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hussed.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quite.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of of off menu on youtube and full episodes but it's embarrassing man it's not embarrassing at all it's really cool we're on youtube with the great and good the coolest people in the world are on youtube me you logan paul who's logan paul the dad from succession

at off menu podcast that's what benito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and ed people have been asking us battering us bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode.

So they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.