Ep 123: Jeff Rosenstock

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Take a large podcast fish, remove the bones of bad vibes, and you get a lovely fillet of off-menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster.

Hello, James.

Hello, Ed.

How are you?

Very well, thank you.

Did you enjoy that one?

That interesting.

I really liked that one.

I thought that was really good, and I'm surprised we haven't had it before.

Debone into fish.

We probably have.

I probably did it last week.

That's how bad my memory is.

Yes, and my memory is worse because, if anything, you care more than I do about the quality of this podcast.

So,

you know,

if you can't remember it.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh god, what a terrible podcast Anyway, thanks for listening guys Welcome to the off-menu podcast This is a food podcast where we ask a special guest their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink and this week's guest is Jeff Rosenstock

a brilliant musician is Jeff Rosenstock.

I was first introduced to the work of Jeff Rosenstock by James Acaster.

And I was first introduced to the work of Jeff Rosenstock by Matthew Crosby.

And Ed works with Matthew Crosby now at a rival radio station.

Okay, James, this is not a radio station.

I don't know how...

This is not radio.

This is a podcast.

We are not a radio station.

I'm glad you finally come to terms with the fact that we are broadcasting these conversations somehow, but it's not a radio station.

I don't have time to explain to an old grandpappy what a podcast is.

Okay, man.

I mean, I think you need to speak to Benito after this and get your head straight.

You're not making no sense.

Jeff is talking to one of the best musicians in the world.

I can't believe we've got him on this podcast.

I'm so excited to find out what he has to eat.

I've been to see him live.

Ed's been to see him live.

And we got to sit down in LA with him in early 2020.

Can you imagine such a thing?

I hadn't even heard of the coronavirus.

No.

Ed didn't know what the coronavirus was.

I did.

Yeah, James did.

He started it.

Patient Zero.

But thank you very much, James, for letting us have our lovely trip to America before you did that.

Obviously, it's a complicated thing because sometimes episodes are home cooking where we speak to people over the internet.

Sometimes they're in person.

This is a home cooked intro and an in-restaurant meal.

Yeah, that's quite confusing.

So, you know, you're going to hear them really be able to appreciate the difference in our voices when we're doing it from home and when we're doing it in person.

A pre-pandemic levity, you'll be able to hear.

Well, even so, we had pre-arranged a secret ingredient, which if Jeff picks, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant.

And the secret ingredient this week is, James.

coriander seeds bullshit love coriander seeds they're lovely for flavor pop them in a curry delicious

no no Ed I'm gonna be honest with you I can't fully remember what coriander seeds even taste like but I know that I'm not a massive fan of coriander so I imagine I probably don't like the seeds yeah well if you don't like coriander you're not gonna like the little shells that they originated right absolutely and apparently Ed I'm being told that this secret ingredient was suggested to us by Grace Kind, among us

on Twitter.

Thank you for suggesting the secret ingredient.

Me and Ed love food so much we run out of stuff we don't like, so we have to chuck stuff in there.

Yeah, so if you have a secret ingredient to suggest at OffMenuOfficial on Twitter, it is the place to go to suggest your secret ingredient.

But for now, let's hear the off menu menu of Jeff Rosenstock.

Welcome, Jeff Rosenstock, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hi.

Here we are.

Welcome, Jeff Rosenstock, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I'm sorry.

I'm late.

No.

I'm sorry.

Is that a thing?

Are you often late?

Are you on time?

Are you early?

What are you often?

I'm probably often late.

I don't ever want to.

I'm never late in my heart, but it's always like,

shit, I'm five minutes late.

Yeah, Yeah, man.

I love that.

What the hell?

I love that as something to say.

If you're late, though, is to go, I'm not late in my heart.

Yeah, like

in my heart of hearts,

I was determined to be here on time, but, you know, I am me, so I'm not here on time.

My heart arrived before me.

Yeah.

Well, it's the dream restaurant.

So in the dream restaurant, no one minds if you're late.

Oh, okay.

It's all...

In fact, people prefer it.

Yeah, yeah.

Your booking time is when you arrive.

Yeah.

It is all of your dreams combined.

This restaurant is whatever you want it to be.

It can look like your favorite restaurant you've ever been to.

It can look like your ideal place in your mind.

When you look around, what do you see?

I'm outside.

I'm outside.

It's nice weather.

I'm in like a Zen garden vibe.

Yeah.

I got, there's trees, plants all around.

It's nice.

No one's there, pretty much.

It's like four tables in the back.

And that's, and I'm at one of them.

What's the weather like?

Pouring rain.

You know, nice.

Just warm, a little breeze, a little breeze going on.

You don't need a jacket or anything like that.

Sunny, but it's not

too in your eyes or anything like that.

You know, just exactly what you want.

Great, like, iced tea weather.

Oh,

whenever anyone brings up iced tea, we always ask them, first of all, have you met Iced T, the rapper?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Now,

here's what's been really interesting.

Here's what's been really interesting.

Every time someone brings a prize to Ic T, we ask them, have you met IcT?

And they always ask.

He's a cool guy, I guess.

Yeah, yeah.

Where did you meet him?

My wife was a

publicist assistant a long time ago in New York.

This is like 2006.

And Body Count was one of their clients.

And her job one day, basically, because I wanted to go to the body count show that night, she worked on a Saturday

just going around with iced tea to like all of of his interviews and stuff like that.

Then we went to the show, and I met him for like a second.

And then we were up in the, it was at this venue in New York, the Knitting Factory, the old one.

And they have this like mezzanine where guests of the band can sit and watch the show and stuff.

So all of Body Count's girlfriends were there.

Ice T's wife, Coco,

was there.

She gets a shout out every time we talk about Body County.

Yeah, she gets a shout out.

So somebody is sitting in Coco's seat, and Coco comes up and is like, hey,

I'm sorry.

These are like, you know, bands, like wives and girlfriends and partners and stuff sitting here.

And you're sitting in my seat.

And this like drunken frat bar was like, fuck it, whatever.

I'm sitting in this open seat.

I'm sitting in the seat.

So go fuck it.

And she's like,

no, come on.

Look, you should really get up.

It's not your seat.

And he's like,

I'm not getting up.

I'm sitting here.

I don't see your name on it.

She's like, okay.

And then iced tea like this is in my memory which is probably heightened

fucking iced tea like comes through the green room doors like who's sitting my wife's seat yeah and this guy's like oh sorry i said get the fuck security get get the fuck out of here get the fuck out of here and then uh like and he's like i'm sorry iced tea

get fuck out of here and then he was kicked out of the show oh god always worth asking people about that ice tea coco tried so hard yeah yeah

like given the chance you know

i get it we're all having a good time yeah you're just you're like sitting in my seat bud yeah and he's just you know drunk and dipshit about it my husband iced is gonna be here soon and we also ask uh second question we also ask uh is do you think that iced tea would drink iced tea yeah it's great yeah

yeah it's not too sweet yeah it's not but it's not just water it's got a little kiss of caffeine in it yeah going through the day or not.

Up to you, sure, you know.

I feel like if iced tea didn't like iced tea, that would be the sort of fact he'd bring out at a really boring dinner party.

He'd go, Well, of course, the interesting thing about me is I don't even like iced tea.

Coco, go, No, don't stop saying that.

Stop saying that.

That's what iced is talking about.

Yeah, and what about why are you telling that guy that's not?

What about those things that you do?

What about when you release Cop Killer?

Yeah, I don't even like iced tea.

So, we always start off with still or sparkling water.

What would be your preference?

Ice.

Do I get ice?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So you want iced tea?

If there's a bad thing.

I want the option.

I don't know what I want.

You know, day to day, I want the option.

Still or sparkling.

Today, I think I'd go

sparkling a ton of ice.

Yeah.

So, like, fill the glass up with ice,

then pour in the sparkling water.

Yeah.

I think that's what I'd go with.

But I think it depends on the day.

Okay.

So you're not always going like full ice, full to the brim.

No.

Also, how do you want this ice?

No, sometimes like there's this restaurant Joy in LA, which is great.

If you have a second, if like you have the time, it's fucking awesome.

It's not too expensive.

But they have like these those nice like metal cups that

always feel a little cool.

Yeah, like no, I don't know ice required.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Put that fucking water in there.

I'm good, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

But you want this in the glass.

Oh, actually, now that I measured it, you want the metal.

Yeah, Yeah, give me this metal cup.

I can see it in your eye.

Yeah, yeah.

You want a metal cup.

We go really detailed with this.

Okay, so a metal cup, and now that it's in that metal cup, give me a little bit of ice.

Yeah, you don't need to.

Let's say a little

sprinkle of ice in there.

But like sparkling water.

Sparkling water, yeah.

Very nice.

That actually sounds more tempting now because I'm not normally a sparkling water guy, but now it's in that metal cup.

I'm on board with that.

And you know, it's got that ice in there chilling it, and that metal's keeping it cold.

Yeah, it's going to be good.

that cold's going nowhere i i know that like ice or from my experiences in the uk like in the cumulative less than two months i've spent in the uk probably

mostly not iced beverages yeah so that's our rep is that is that your preference or is that just what has been given handed down to you well as the people this is what i hear a lot in the uk and this is a very very uk thing to say is that when people add ice they feel like they're being ripped off and because they're getting less drink oh yeah Because also, we don't get like free refills, especially for like soda drinks.

There's no free refills.

So if there's a lot of weather spoons, you're not getting a free refill?

No.

Oh, okay.

All right.

But it costs like 4p to start with, anyway.

So it's not.

Yeah.

Now we're talking about ice.

So this is where we always ask, have you ever met Ice Cube?

Never met Ice Cube.

Shame.

People never have.

That's it.

Everyone's met Icedea.

No one's met Ice Cube.

Yeah, yeah.

Just says a lot.

Yeah.

Ice cube keeps to itself.

Yeah.

Iced tea, I guess, is a man of the people.

You know,

there's ups and downs to both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone's got a story about you.

And then everyone's got positive things to say as well.

So that's good.

Also, the metal cup, I always like...

I prefer cocktails that are in a metal cup, if I ever get a cocktail.

And like, really, I've just realized that's what I should ask because I always look at the cocktail menu.

I don't really know what to have.

I'm trying to make a decision.

What I should say is, are any of these in a metal cup yeah bring me that one well are you looking for the the big ice cube too do you know what if it's i wouldn't want both but if it's in a glass like a tumbler then i would like the big ice cube yeah yeah i then also that makes me feel better when i see the big ice cube i love the big ice cube yeah i do them at home now he's got he's got a big ice cube thing at home i have elevated my life okay they're very cheap the little molds you just fill them up and they do the big balls they're big balls of ice are you making cocktails at home or are you just putting that in a fucking glass of juice just like, I don't care.

I got these big cubes.

And they're not cubes, these big spheres.

Big spheres.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big globes.

I'll do one with like a whiskey.

I had a night where I made old-fashions

that was just a nightmare because I was pouring home measures and I realized me and my friend had got through three-quarters of a bottle of bourbon.

And I do not remember the rest of it.

Well, we don't have anything other than home measures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think, yeah, big ice cube.

The metal cups, get mules.

It's a mule cup.

Right.

So whenever you get a mule, it normally comes in that tin mug.

That's what's in the tin mug.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had those before, definitely.

Yeah.

I really enjoyed it.

This is maybe an obvious observation, but the price of cocktails has like skyrocketed in the last five years.

I don't get it.

Every time I've got, I've been like, you know what?

Let's

get a cocktail.

Let's do it.

And I get it.

I'm just like, this is just like a different drink.

Yeah.

Costs $14.

Like, I'm watching the care and preparation that goes into it.

And then I drink it.

I'm like, well,

it's, you know, it's got the same amount of booze in it.

Yeah.

So I'm getting the same amount of drunk.

It's just like, okay.

And I never know what's in it.

I always read the list of what's in a cocktail.

And half the ingredients are like, I don't know what that is.

But I'm never going to ask.

I'll always be like, that sounds good.

I'm never going to go, what's, you know.

Yeah, you're going to admit to the bartender that

I don't know what any of these things are.

And you're halfway through making them for me because I ordered them a minute ago.

I asked the whole list of ingredients, even the ones i know

just

is vodka yeah

what do you think of it

pop a dubs or bread

pop a dubs or bread jeff rosenstock pop a dubs or bread papa dumbs or bread uh bread yeah i feel like bread maybe i'm wrong uh but i feel like there's a wider scope Oh, no, you're right.

There's a wider scope.

We're going to make you narrow in on the sort of bread that you're faking.

Can I ask, do I have to make this meal, and I understand this is a dream restaurant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So maybe I'm more asking where you've seen success from others as far as the meal holding together as a singular meal

or, you know, just fucking whatever.

I think we've had amazing meals that have held together and amazing meals where...

Each dish is just a standalone, brilliant dish, but wouldn't necessarily marry up with each other.

So like, we've definitely seen both.

I think it's fine if it's not cohesive, but bear in mind, James, we'll read the whole order back at the end in a long list.

And if it's not cohesive, it sounds mad.

Okay, yeah.

But as long as

fuck it.

I'm going to chain restaurant, the like brown bread from the cheesecake factory.

Fuck it.

It's sick.

It's great.

It's great.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

I was thinking like sourdough or like a scallion pancake kind of, but fuck it.

No.

Give me it in the basket give me some butter yeah i'm good from the cheesecake factory from the cheesecake factory yeah yeah it's a little restaurant but if you poke around america you might find a few you know in a like shopping center or strip mall or you know i just think it's so baller of the cheesecake factories have anything other than cheesecake on the menu the menu at the cheesecake factory is great yeah it's like uh i feel like uh so being in a band isn't that very interesting uh you travel around all the time it's so interesting uh And we kind of have to figure out like what's a thing that they could have anywhere that like everyone can eat at.

And we all like, you know, I'm vegetarian.

Our guitar player, our bass player is vegan.

We're like, we are kind of all over the map with what we will be eating.

And it seems like Cheesecake Factory kind of like

can get all of us something.

Yeah.

And then by the time it comes to the end, you're just like, cheesecake.

Yeah, yeah.

That sounds, that sounds a bit extravagant

i i did this i've been to the cheesecake factory once in san francisco okay and that was the location yeah

how was it was it uh well i filled up a meatloaf oh yeah so like i went in and i just felt like oh it'd be crazy just to go to a restaurant and then just have a cheesecake and nothing else yeah so i was like oh i have a meatloaf but like it was huge yeah it's enormous they give you a ton yeah and i just guzzled that down and then i had the cheesecake but i think it was like like a peanut butter one or something like that.

You know, I went for that because, like, at the time, it was my first trip to America.

And I wasn't prepared for how often...

peanut butter was going to pop up everywhere.

And I was just like, every time you saw it, you were like, well, I better have that.

I was just like, I'm going to go home where there's like, might as well be a peanut butter drought in the UK.

It's not making as many appearances on the menu back home.

So I just went full.

I went peanut butter all the time.

I was eating those Reese's fast break bars every day.

Yeah, it was peanut butter.

Reese's fast break bars look like it's a breakfast bar.

Yeah.

Look like it's like, eat this in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

It looks like.

It's just a candy bar.

Yeah.

Eat it in the morning if it's New Year's Day and you want energy for the rest of the year.

Yeah, sure.

Not every morning, which is what I did.

for that holiday.

And I was so concerned when I got home that I went to the doctors and asked for a blood test before I had diabetes.

That is true.

And I bet you're fine, right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

But like, I was just so worried at the time, all the time.

Did you have symptoms?

No.

You were just thinking.

No, I probably ate some sugar and thought I must

have.

You have so much fucking candy where you're from, though.

Yeah, I think I'm like, Candy Central.

Yeah, but I don't go as, you know, when you're on a holiday, you're like, right, I'm off the leash now.

Yeah.

And then, like, I think I had fast baked bars every day, got back home, probably went to sleep, woke up the next morning, had like a bit of pins and needles in my hand.

I was like, I've got diabetes.

I don't think that's, I'm not sure if that's a symptom of type 6.

I think I know what I'm on about.

I am type 1 diabetic, Jeff.

That's why.

Oh, you're talking about a type 2.

Yeah, you're talking about type 2.

Yeah, you're talking about type A.

Type A caster, one that's completely made up.

Based on no knowledge whatsoever.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you very much.

That's exactly how I got the name.

So we come to your starter.

Oh, God.

Is it from a specific place?

I mean, I've thought about this so much because I can only get one.

Yeah.

Cheesecake Factory.

No, but it was between two things.

One is another chain restaurant.

Cheesecake.

I didn't expect the Papa Dums Your Bread Equestrian.

I don't know if you saw it.

It was

fuck.

Come out of nowhere.

It got you.

You got the brown bread from the Cheesecake Factory.

So

if it's like a chain restaurant, I'm going to Pizza Uno and I'm getting their mashed potato pizza.

What?

as the starter because it's fucking tight.

And if it's my dream restaurant, also if it's my dream restaurant, none of these meats are real meat.

So I get to have

all, I don't have to say no bacon.

They just have bacon bits on it.

You could just get it at the supermarket.

Yeah, shop.

But yeah, it's like a very, it's a deep dish pizza, individual serving.

I'm splitting this because I got, you know, or getting a little box.

Yeah.

I'm getting a box for all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got a dream doggy bag.

That's fine.

Yeah, just a Ziploc bag.

We'll just chuck it all in there.

But yeah, it's like mashed potatoes, cheddar cheese melted on top of it, and bacon bits bits on it, and a sour cream to dip it in.

But that's not what I'm getting.

That's my, that's not happening.

That's an honorable money.

I said no.

It was on the menu.

I was like, no, thanks today.

Great shout-out, though.

I'm getting

I got so wrapped up in it, I forgot that that was my runner-up.

I'm getting this thing called cold skin noodles at a place called Xi'an's Famous Foods in...

New York.

They have them in Brooklyn and Queens.

It's like a hand-pulled, I think they say it's like Western Chinese cuisine.

It's from, it's basically

this guy's dad in Queens.

Like, this is what he made when he lived in China.

And then he opened up a noodle shop in Flushing, Queens, and his son was like going to business school.

He's like, yo, what if I turn this into a restaurant?

Like, that's everywhere.

And his dad was like, okay.

You see them like pull them and like slap them on a steel table and rip them.

And it's got like a really very specific chili oil that they, you know, it's got like six million ingredients that you'll never know what they are.

You know,

a little bit of bean sprouts, a little bit of,

I think it's seitan in it.

It's already, this is

as is.

It's already veggie friendly.

It's got some cilantro.

It's very simple.

I'll get it as like a lunch sometimes when I just don't feel like make it things.

I would just walk over to it and get it and head home.

But today it's my starter.

Yeah.

Well, it sounds delicious.

And it's cold.

It's cold.

Yeah, I like a cold noodle.

Yeah, you like cold noodles?

Yeah, I do.

I don't think I've

had meant much cold noodles.

I've been not very adventurous on the cold noodle front.

They're usually super cheap.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like a cold sesame noodle.

It's on like most Chinese food menus, at least in New York.

There's also something great about seeing someone make it like that, like slapping it on the metal table, like that, stretching it out.

And it's like when you see people making pizza properly and like isolate, you know, hope they're gonna like twirl it in the air with the dough and like throw it up and properly do like a twirl.

Yeah, things like that.

Sometimes they'll fucking do it, yeah, you don't have to do it, but you'll yeah, yeah, yeah, they'll do it, and you gotta, but you gotta remain calm if you're watching that.

You can't like start like cheering them on and stuff.

You can, I think you can, I think you can absolutely can.

Yeah, come on, that's like a pizza chef's best day if someone's in there go, whoa, when they land a trick.

You know what you meant?

I'm with you.

I bet it usually goes ignored.

Yeah, I give them no, I'm like my own audience.

Yeah, yeah.

Giving no encouragement whatsoever.

And the guys on stage like, what the hell?

He keeps looking at me, but not saying anything.

He hasn't said good job.

They're doing it a lot.

They're doing it all day, but it doesn't mean they...

they don't deserve any cheering for it.

Yeah, you should give them a bit of a cheer, actually.

There's a Chinese chef in the UK called Nancy Lam who's quite famous.

And she used to have a restaurant that my parents used to go to a lot.

And she used to come and make the noodles.

in the restaurant and apparently would just do crazy shit with them like whipping them around her head and like apparently like whip them between her legs and stuff.

Yeah, she's like crazy because they'd get there and you couldn't have anything close to a lot of stuff that's close to her body, that's close to the ground.

Yeah, like

she's an expert, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They did those noodles need to be a very specific length, yeah, yeah.

But they'd arrive at the restaurant, and uh, she'd just select who she let in based on what she thought of them when they arrived.

So, like, my parents were behind a couple, and Nancy Lab would be like, apparently, genuinely went, not you two, You two fuck off.

And then just let my like, no, you two come in.

That's fine.

You two fuck off.

I don't feel like I would go to this restaurant.

No, I'd be so nervous.

I wouldn't want to be judged in that line.

And then what do you do?

Yeah.

It's already dinner time.

You got to go somewhere else.

Or maybe

sit down and have the leg noodles.

Yeah.

If you did that at gigs, how many audience members do you think you'd have each night?

That they sent people home.

I would never send anybody home.

Yeah, definitely.

I don't know.

Everybody come in.

i'm sorry if that's not a mean enough answer oh if james did that on his uh his tour shows he'd be performing to mt rooms yeah i'd be performing to just my sound guy i could i i could see

you don't want to get heckled you don't want anybody saying shit you're that's the thing yeah i'm too i'm too defensive i'm too like yeah immediately i'm on the back foot i just every night be like you fuck off you off i i i certainly do that when like people start talking to me when i'm playing and i'm just like i what

like i feel like somebody just like yeah i feel like i'm in like lights out mode a lot of the time when i'm playing uh like i'm just in it and it just seems like somebody just like just like quonk

fucking what you've got your phone your sister what the fuck

i always find it crazy when people do that to bands because like comedy i sort of i don't like it but i sort of understand it that look we're trying to make it sound sort of like a one-sided conversation anyway like it needs to be naturalistic and we're having a chat.

Yeah.

So people can like misunderstand that.

But playing a song, they're going,

people shouldn't misunderstand.

You don't need to justify it.

For sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

But it's even crazier with a band to be like, oh, I think I'd add my opinion to this song.

I saw you do a show in Camden and there were people in the front who I believe were fighting each other.

Oh, shit, you were at that.

Yeah, you were very nice about that.

Very patient about it.

You kept on having to kind of go, okay, just stop being like, hey, guys, I know it's a punk rock show and like we all want to have some fun, but, you know, just try and like be aware of the people around you.

And then you start again, and then at the end of the next song, I'll be like, okay, so it's kind of still happening a bit, and I'd like everyone here to be a bit more aware.

Did you think I was nice about that?

You're so nice about that.

The person who I was talking to was waiting for me crying at the end of the show.

What?

What?

Yeah.

That's that's my.

I don't know if I should if I should even say that on a fig, but isn't that fucking crazy?

That's mad.

Like, anytime that I feel like I've asserted myself, like, hey, I'm recognizing a problem.

Yeah.

I'm trying to be direct and not aggressive and just like say what's up.

Like half the time, somebody's just like waiting for me after like, fuck you.

You fucking, I was like waiting for this show and you fucking like call me out, which like, I guess, but like other people are waiting for the show too.

Yeah.

Like, so I guess I'd let everybody in, but I would, I would want to be able to throw boneheads out without like

people

getting all pissy about it afterwards.

Yeah, also that kind of stuff.

I had a show once and like there's a there's a routine in the show where like I had a I'd it's a true story about going to a therapist who was very unprofessional with me and eventually and the routine is me reading out the text messages that the therapist had sent me and as I went to read them out

there's a lady in the like front two rows and she just kind of went

like that.

And I was like, I was like, you okay there?

You're alright?

She went, no, no, no, no.

Read the text messages, I suppose.

And I was like,

if you don't want, I know it's been like, I said said it's really hot in this room and I know it's been a long show if you if you're ready to leave you can absolutely leave you don't have to and she bursts into tears and then like everyone's very awkward and then I kind of had to read the texts in silence because like it was like well

and then at the end she was waiting for me with her husband and uh and I was like hey I was like are you okay yeah I d I didn't really know what went on there sorry if like I upset you and she was like I'm a therapist and you're giving us a bad name by reading out these text messages and I was like oh, oh, no, no, no.

That's like a really unprofessional text message.

And she was like, you're going to make everyone think that

all therapists are bad.

And I was like, no, no.

I mean, I didn't think all therapists were bad.

I just thought this one was bad.

I mean, even though she was the only one I'd ever met, I mean, now you're the second one.

Now I kind of think.

Now I kind of think therapists are bad.

I imagine that you were not framing this in a way that you were, because

you're aware of shit.

Like, you were not framing this in a way like, therapy fucking soaps.

Here's why, bro.

Read, read,

pop.

Yeah.

Yeah, my name is James A.

Custer.

Don't talk about your problems.

Gonna die.

It's never that.

Yeah, I bet the good therapy, but there are bad therapists out there.

And I bet it frustrates the hell out of good therapist.

Yeah.

Shit, no one's going to go to therapy.

Yeah.

Because some of these people are bad.

Yeah, exactly.

But no, you were good at that gig and you were nice to that lady.

Don't worry about that.

I didn't

know whoever it was at that time.

I tried to be nice to everybody.

I just tried to get them away from each other.

Oh, shit.

I don't know who was right here.

Just like you

were standing over there.

Both of them were like, I didn't do anything, so I'm going to stand right here.

It's just like, does it fucking matter?

I don't understand why shit matters so much to everybody.

Across the board.

That's a good message to be next to you.

Why does shit matter so much to everybody?

Come on, guys.

Come on, really?

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So, your main course,

which matters a lot to me, by the way.

This matters a lot to Ed and a lot to everybody.

I'm going to cry if you fuck this up, Jeff.

I'm going to wait for you after this podcast.

I was going to wait for this podcast for a long time.

Okay.

So, because it was between two, again, it's hard.

It was tough.

I was thinking about this this morning.

I was like, shit.

So, runner-up would be a bowl of Laksa for, I don't know if that's big in the UK.

It's not big here,

which is like a a coconut curry noodle soup.

It's Malaysian soup.

It's got some peanut adjacent vibes.

It's got like fried onions and stuff on top of it if it's good.

There's a place in Sydney, Australia called the Golden Lotus, which has a bunch of fake meats and stuff in it, which is good.

Or there's just a regular ass place in Melbourne called Viet Rose, which just fills it with tofu.

It's good.

So that might be what I'm getting, but not today.

Today, Vinny's Pizza in Brooklyn,

they got the good pizza cooks on.

And I'm just getting, because I've eaten a lot at this point.

I've eaten all that shit.

I said I wasn't going to eat.

Very grateful you've not had a mashed potato pizza for your starter.

No,

yeah.

I'm going to get

two slices of pizza with pineapple and a vegetarian spare rib on it.

Wow.

With a little drizzle of sweet chili sauce.

Oh, wow.

From Vinny's in Brooklyn, which is a great place, but like one in 10 times,

I have a feeling it's mostly stoners who work there because they have shit like, you know,

no, their pizza, their cheese slice is also just like great.

So they're a good, they're the best.

But like one in ten times, you'll get a fucking crazy ass pizza that's like missing sauce or like everything's on one side.

And you just got to eat it because you're like, well,

what am I going to do?

Make them wait another 45 minutes, have them go make another pizza.

Like, I'm going to eat this pizza anyway.

I'll just hold it up.

Yeah, there's not really much you could do.

Now, I would describe that, toppings-wise, as a controversial slice.

Yeah, sure.

Pineapple.

I would describe it as a personal slice.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Of course, look, it's the dream restaurant.

You have what you want.

I'm just, I'm thinking of the pineapple, which is obviously that's that war's been raging for a long time.

Sure, a lot of people arguing about that.

I love it.

Yeah, I love pineapple and a pizza.

Pineapple in a Nando's chicken wrap.

I've got a lot of heat for that from people.

Throw it in there.

Add a little soup to your layer.

Put

I think it was great.

So

I'm for the pineapple.

I think if I'm growing up a burger, if this is like, if this is, say, me and Christine, we're going away for our anniversary somewhere, some Airbnb that has like a barbecue, getting a fucking pineapple.

Throw that shit on the grill.

Yeah.

Come on.

Pineapple ring?

Yeah, put a little pineapple ring on the burger.

Let's do that.

Cheese.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Cheese, pineapple.

Cheese, like spicy.

Oh, shit.

There's this place called the Mouse House in Wisconsin

that has mango habanero cheese.

It's called like mango fire cheese.

Oh, so fucking good.

Yeah, that's going on that

on that burger.

On my Airbnb on your IBM burger.

Yeah, but this is just the kind of stuff I'm thinking because it's such a relaxed environment, an extreme restaurant.

Yeah, yeah.

Also, I've already been brought tea without even asking for it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's hot.

Nice hot tea.

Yeah.

Oh, that's there.

But when that comes, oh, that's that's a nice addition to it.

But buy ice cheese.

He's bringing you the hot tea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's being very, and he's very super cool.

Yeah.

Even though you're actually sitting at his wife's seat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

I know what happens when you do that.

You get thrown out of the body couch.

This sweet chili sauce situation.

This is where

I knew that we were heading here.

As soon as you said sweet chili sauce, I knew we were heading here because there's a thing that we do on this show where

we're very accommodating and welcoming at our restaurant, but there's always a secret ingredient each episode where if the guest says it, they get kicked out.

Oh, shit.

And it's a secret ingredient that we we don't like.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, not this episode, but a past episode, we've chose sweet chili sauce.

Okay, well.

And it is, out of all the secret ingredients we've ever said, it's the one that we've got the most shit for online.

Like, that the listeners were furious with us for real.

That makes sense.

Sweet chili sauce.

What were the other ingredients that you've kicked people out of?

Oh, but don't have to tell me.

Pomegranate seeds.

Yeah.

Now, I could see that.

Like, dill.

Cloves.

Dill.

I think dill was in there.

Did we choose dill?

I'm not sure.

We're really running out at this point.

Like 50 episodes.

Exactly.

The cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sandwiches.

Yeah.

But like, yeah, like whole cloves.

We've had like all sorts of stuff.

Bay leaves.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That shit just gets in the way.

Sure.

Yeah.

And then we said sweet chili sauce, which we both agree on we're not a fan of, and the amount of like grief we got for it was astonishing.

It's still something that gets bought up to this day.

So most of the listeners are on your side with this.

Okay.

I'm not here to judge you.

Hey, sauces across the board, they're fucking weird.

Like,

like all sauces, they're weird.

Like, you might not like something because it's like texturally, especially sweet chili sauce, can have like some like little flakes in there

to it.

Definitely does.

Sometimes they're big.

And so I'm just like, what the fuck is happening with this?

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, it's okay.

And it's kind of that sticky, gluey kind of texture to sweet chili sauce.

Yeah, I mean, maybe referring to it as glue after I'm being pretty understandable in your opinion here

isn't like the coolest thing to do at my dream restaurant.

Yeah, okay.

We'll hold our hands up there.

Yeah, sorry, mate.

Absolutely.

It looks delicious.

No, well, do you think it's like fucking more gluey than ketchup or brown sauce?

Yeah, it's gluier than ketchup.

Okay.

So I guess it's because it's got that kind of like

translucent kind of.

Sure.

It is a little gelatinous.

And I'm not talking, I'm not slathering this thing anymore.

I'm saying one time.

I'm remembering at Vinny's one time

because, again, I'm pretty sure it's just stoners who work at this pizza place.

They just did that.

And I was like, oh, that's nice.

Has that ever been on the menu again?

Have you ever had that?

It's not on the menu.

So

they have like two specific slices every day, like a pun.

And I think I saw something somewhat like this.

And then, like, what I'll do is I'll just order a pizza that is on the menu and leave in the comments, hey, could you actually make me this thing?

Yeah, yeah.

And they'll always do it.

Great.

But yeah,

I think I've asked for sweet chili sauce one time since then, and they just didn't put it on there.

I was like, okay.

I love it.

Two slices.

Two slices.

Same toppings on both.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's good.

Because I think when you eat one slice of pizza, you always want that second slice.

And this is my dream restaurant.

But

I'm going for it.

I haven't eaten breakfast.

I'm good.

The slice thing feels very New York.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I've been to New York a few times, very rarely been for a slice, but I did it this time.

And you're right.

I went for one slice and then I was like, I've obviously got to go another slice.

You get like a cheese slice?

No, I got pepperoni first and then I went and got cheese slice because I decided

pepperoni is good, but you can probably tell if a place is really good if the cheese slice is good.

Do you remember?

You don't remember where you went.

Scars.

Scars?

Yeah.

I don't know where that is.

Lower East Side.

There's like 6,000 places.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Lower East Side.

Good.

You didn't go to like

Two Brothers, which is like 99 cents pizza, which is also good.

Cool thing about pizza, I've eaten so much fucking pizza in my life, I've had like two bad slices of pizza.

Yeah.

Pretty much cross-the board, like even like shitty like Pizza Hut, Domino's, whatever.

Like it's still fucking cheese and sauce on there.

It's good, yeah, yeah.

It's good.

That's, I think, when we've talked about New York Pizza before, always want to find out where the best place is.

Yeah.

For you, is it Vinny's?

I think Vinny's, yeah, Vinny's is the best slice for sure.

Um, there is a place where near where we used to live called Danny's Pizzeria.

It might be Danny's too.

I think it's the original Danny's Pizzeria.

It's like the Montreux stop on the L-train.

They don't have the topping choices that Vinny's has, but their standard is equally as good, if not even just like a touch better.

But I don't know if that's just nostalgic shit.

Yeah.

And then if I'm going for like a fancy-ass pizza, I'll go to either Poly G's in Greenpoint or Roberta's in Bushwick.

If I could get a seat.

We went there, weren't we there?

Yeah.

We went there.

We luckily got a seat.

Nice.

Pizza's amazing, delicious.

I had this cocktail, though, that...

No, it wasn't even a cocktail.

It was a beer.

It was a beer.

But it might as well have been cocktail.

I couldn't get over it, Jeff.

It was like, it tasted like a whole, like a sweet shop, like a candy store.

Was it a sour beer?

Yeah, but it was like, I've had sour beers before, but this one was like fruit loops.

It was like, it tasted like

I was drinking fruity pebbles.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Like that.

This guy likes sweet.

Was it described as a sour beer?

It was like a frambois or something.

It said it was a sour beer, but it didn't.

It didn't say this is going to taste like

you're drinking a fruity cereal.

Like, I couldn't get over it.

You had to go for a blood test straight over there.

Yeah, yeah, straight to the doctors.

Okay, I feel like you're going for too many blood tests when you eat.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Sorry, my mistake.

You got to get rid of some of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get rid of some of that excess blood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't like being sick.

So, like, you know,

he's not even worried about being sick.

He just feels like he's got too much blood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Too much blood in me.

I'm concerned about your ultra-sweet beer.

Yeah, yeah.

It was crazy.

I was like, I couldn't.

I was getting angry about it, wasn't I?

Because I love Robert as I've been there a few times.

Uh, it's amazing.

This is no slight on the place, but I felt like I should have been giving a heads up before drinking this beer.

It's New York, I bet.

Fucking like, I wonder if they've given heads up so much and had somebody be like, Yeah, I know what the fucking beer is.

Everyone's there, but then they're just like, Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, but here you go.

That tastes like rude, just to the point.

Just like, you know, I know, I know.

Sure.

I mean, I feel like I always have to defend New York rudeness because

I know that it's just people try to be like, no, I know the fucking answers.

Yeah.

There, your day's faster now.

That busy.

There's a lot of good ones.

Yeah.

And you're busy too.

Yeah, yeah.

They assume you're busy and you'd like to just get to the point.

Because also, like,

there are things about New York.

So I still, when you said earlier about, you know, you get on the L train, you do this,

and Lower East Side.

And like, does that still feel cool to you to say those things?

Because like when I hear those things from people who live in New York, I'm like, that's so cool.

Yeah, that's true.

Talking about getting on the L train and going to the Lower East Side.

You can't imagine a slice.

You can't imagine how cool I felt when I said Lower East Side.

Yeah, I saw it in your eyes, man.

When you said Lower East Side, it was like, you just said, where was it?

And my brain went, Come on, Ed, where was it?

Lower East Side.

Was it near the Apple store or the J.

Crew?

It was on Orchard Street.

Oh, oh, you're in it.

Yeah.

Sorry, I should just say on Orchard.

Yeah, that's it.

That sounds cool, isn't it?

Like, oh, the corner of Fifth and Orchard.

Yeah.

Stuff like that.

That sounds fucking cool.

Don't intersect.

It's okay.

You met the female.

Oh, no.

Oh, you're not cool.

It's a secret underground street that only cool people know.

Yeah, yeah.

I live here now, so I miss taking the train a lot.

But like, yeah, the train's fucking sick, man.

It's cool.

It's nice that it just takes.

I like that it's, aside from biking, it's just the fastest way.

Like, you could get a car and do it, but, like, honestly, you're going to have to sit in traffic probably at some point.

You're going to have to find parking.

You're going to have to find parking later.

Yeah.

But yeah, trades, it's, it's, yeah, it's cool.

I like that it's still just doing its thing.

That it's what we're doing.

It was there before me.

It'll be there long after me.

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Side dish.

Side dish.

This restaurant closed down.

It's another New York spot.

It's a place called

Soyen Sake.

It was a vegan sushi place that had like imitation, like, it wasn't like avocado roll, carrot roll uh bay leaf roll or whatever uh it was like spicy tuna roll spicy fucking whatever roll volcano roll like they went for it and there was all kinds of options so I would probably get oh I would get like a volcano roll I believe from there and when it shut down it was just like it didn't shut down because of lack of popularity it was just like the chefs were like I think it was a husband and wife who owned it and they were just like, all right, we're done.

We're done here.

And all of like my not meat-eating buddies buddies and ourselves, we were just like, can you just let somebody else run this fucking restaurant, please?

Like, this isn't like nobody does this anywhere near as good.

But it's gone.

So that would be my side dish.

And I feel really lucky that I got asked for a side dish.

Yeah.

That was what I was sad to leave out.

Oh, there you go.

I was like,

that can't be my main.

Yeah, sure.

And also, we're just going to throw like some fucking wilted spinach or something on the side because I haven't had any greens yet.

Yeah, yeah.

I just want to feel okay.

Yeah, we'll have that.

Accidentally covered in wilted spinach.

Yeah, on a bed of wilted spinach or something.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, get away with that.

Cold wilted spinach, I guess, because it's sushi, or maybe like a

ice, an unmeltable ice sheet.

Yeah.

But it's hot on the other side.

Well, metal plate.

A metal plate.

Oh.

To hold the cold.

Yes.

To hold the cold.

To hold the cold.

To hold the cold.

I thought it was.

Yeah.

To hold the gold.

Yeah.

I thought it was like a saying.

Even though I'm from England, I thought that must be an English saying.

Like, oh, one of those English sayings?

People are saying new shit non-stop all the time.

Yeah, sure.

Well, we could start hold the gold today.

Yeah.

I'm going to.

Yeah.

To hold the gold.

Because I'm going to hold the gold.

Yeah.

It would be like

a little sidecar for your sweet chili sauce or something else.

Yeah.

And you could just say, yeah.

To glue.

It's to hold the gold.

To hold the glue.

What's in the volcano bulk?

I don't fucking remember.

It's got like spicy tuna fake shit.

It's got crunchy shit.

It's covered in like two good kinds of sauces.

It's big.

I feel like it's probably got a string bean in it.

I just remember it's the one that I was just like, oh, yeah.

I think I'd like I was debating between that and like the crunchy, spicy tuna roll, but it's just like that one's like just kind of that.

Oh, I think it's probably deep fried too.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The first time I had fried sushi, that was a revelation.

Yeah.

Because I remember seeing it on a menu and being like, that's probably not proper.

Like, it doesn't feel right to do that.

And then, like, fuck it, just order it.

And it is genius yeah it's good also like uh sushi rolls with crispy bits in them are the best yeah if it's got like a prawn kind of tempura in the yeah sushi roll stuff like that is absolutely that's every time it's you see being a vegetarian i rarely get that it's usually just like avocado cucumber roll yeah

great yeah

i don't know they never throw in crunchy bits yeah there's a there's a sushi place called eido in crystal palace in london that do special salmon skin roll and it's all the salmon skin in the middle and it is so good.

There's a place in Brighton called Happy Mackey which is a vegan sushi place that does fake duck.

Oh yeah, love

a fake duck.

So good.

But does duck belong in sushi?

It does in this one.

I'm with you.

Sorry for being judgy.

No yeah.

So yeah, some

sushi oh sushi chef.

Come on.

Sushi chef.

Is it a sushi sushi chef?

Sushi chef.

Sushi chef.

Susie buy sashimi from the.

Yeah, so we've had a tongue twister on this show before about sushi when Susie Ruffle, who's a very good comedian from England, she chose sashimi.

She's chasing from the sushi samba in the shard.

Yeah, from a place called

sushi samba in a in a building called the shard, and it was susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

It's impossible.

I still can't say it.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

That's artistic.

Yeah, it's really hard.

Oh, Jesus.

We speak for a living.

Your dream drink.

Okay, boozy, non-boozy.

Do I can't do it?

It can be whatever you like.

Obviously, as a fan,

I'm hoping you say, is it tall boys?

It's not a tall boy.

No, no, no.

I'm not kidding.

On the rocks by the water.

On the rocks, yeah.

What is that?

That's like for like what a tall boy is?

Yeah.

It's like a 24-ounce.

This is a dumb question.

Ounces, is that

we have units of measurement here that no one else fucking has, and I don't know which one.

Because we're also stupid.

We don't use ounce for liquid.

So it's like a big can.

Yeah.

That's it.

It's just usually like two bucks.

Oh, a beer?

Yeah, a beer.

Like a cheap, cheap beer.

Sounds like a cocktail to me.

In my head, you were drinking cocktails

on the rocks by the water.

No, it's a drink for the people.

It's like you walk into your bodega, they've got like the fucking big cans, and you get like a, you know, Papster Coors or Bud Light or Miller.

I'd probably go Miller High Life if I was going tall boys.

Yeah.

But I'd probably just go whatever's cheapest.

It's probably going to turn out that like all of your lyrics I've misunderstood and I've had like completely different pictures in my head of your life and who you are.

Cool.

I like that because they're all, they like, they're very specific.

Yes.

And I like that every time I've talked to somebody about it, I'm like, nah, that's not what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Take that, critics,

my words.

So not tall boy.

Not a tall boy, though.

That's that's a walk around on the street and hide it in your coat kind of vibe.

Yeah.

Iced tea has already just been bringing me now iced tea for a while because he can't be stopped.

So I've been having like a nice, you know, unsweetened, like

gingery, peachy, greeny, somewhere in that flavor palette tea.

Good.

And I've also been drinking just a beer.

I've been having a nice beer.

There's a brewery in, I think, Brooklyn called Other Half that has an IPA that I think is called Green City.

It's like a seven or eight percenter, which is kind of what I like now because it just gets you, it just does the job.

It has beers.

And like if you do the price ratio, it's usually like, well, this is actually like, this is going to do more damage for my buck here.

And I've only had it at the Alamo Draft House in Brooklyn, which is, do you know what that is?

So that's like a movie theater that they have like food and beers at.

Do you have things like that?

Yeah, you do.

Like stuff like that.

I think this was one of the, this was one of the first ones that like kind of franchised itself around.

America.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It started like started in Texas and now they had one in New York and my wife would joke with me because I usually spend like every moment.

Like I'm I'm just like spending like eight to 12 hours, maybe less.

I don't know.

Why, why, why.

But I'm working on the cartoon, like on the music for the cartoon, like all the time.

And then when I'm not, I'm usually like catching up on band shit or doing emails or just like, I don't fucking feel like doing anything.

I'm just going to watch basketball, smoke weed, have a beer, and just like chill.

And I don't like spending money.

But every now and then, I'll be like, let's...

go to Ellenwood Draft House tonight.

And we're going to watch like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

and I'm gonna get like the fucking $15 veggie burger or whatever the hell it is and we're gonna get an app and I'm gonna get this beer.

And every time I'm just like, this is the best beer and I've never really seen it anywhere else other than there, even though I'm sure it exists in many places.

And that would be, that would be my drink of choice.

And this beer does not taste like fruity pebbles.

No.

Anything like that?

No, it's nice.

It's probably like a hazy IPA.

Just like it's got a little snice.

You can taste the hops.

The great Benito, who's our producer.

Yeah, tell me I got to get to my root canal.

No, no, no.

He likes, or maybe you do have to get to your root.

No, is that the real clock?

Yes.

Oh, sick.

I got time.

I was like, I'm not looking.

Fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

New dentist.

For the listener, this is our first guest who has to go to a root canal immediately after.

Because it's not a dream dentist.

It's not a fantasy dentist.

It's like a fantasy restaurant.

It's really.

It's very nice.

Yeah, yeah.

And he assured me he's going to give me enough Novocaine.

Yes.

And so, you know.

Is this your dentist or the Great Bonito?

Yeah.

I'm going to get the Great Bonito and give you just like a couple of shouts before I head on.

Jeff's got to go for a root canal, which should be a warning to any of you people who are eating sweet chili sauce all the time.

That's why that's why, because you've ate so much sweet chili sauce.

So you've now got to go for a root canal.

Sweet chili sauce is a special occasion sauce for me.

Okay, you can go fuck yourself.

Great Bonito loves IPA.

And the other day we went to a bar and I think the Great Bonito thought that him and Ed had ordered a jug of IPA to share.

It was actually a jug of red beer.

Yeah.

And I thought the Great Bonito was going to cry when he was drinking that.

He really didn't like the red beer and how it tasted.

And

it was really disgusting to me.

Yeah.

I feel like once you, and the Great Benito,

I can't talk in the microphone and look behind me.

So let me know if he agrees.

Yes.

I feel like once you start drinking, like I was working at a place that like made homebrew beer kits, which is how I kind of went down this road It was like bagging hops all the time.

People are like, oh, oh, this is this.

Yeah.

But I think once you start drinking beers, it like actually tastes like stuff.

Backpedaling to a not like just 100% nothing beer, like going to that middle ground, you're just like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Sure, yeah.

What is he doing?

He's agreeing with you, by the way.

Yeah,

he's pumping the air with his festies, giving thumbs up.

He's loving it.

But also, like, no shade thrown at anybody who likes.

I wish I liked.

I wish I fucking didn't have any preference when it came to any kind of food i wish i was just like cross the board except for like not eating meat is i just wish i was just like cross the board like yeah give it to me i don't fucking care put it in a glass put it on a plate i like it all yeah yeah

so talking of which come to the dessert okay are you quite picky with desserts or i don't love sweets

uh oh

james is a real dessert guy

or i should say i can't i feel like i can't eat a lot of sweets Like, once I've had, like, so say you have like a fucking, like a cake.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just like a standard piece of cake.

Yeah.

I feel like I get two bites of that cake.

I'm like, great cake.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then you're done.

Then I'm done.

It makes my stomach feel bad.

And I just don't, you know, I'm like, ooh.

Does it not make your heart and mind feel good?

No, I already feel good from all the savory stuff I've eaten.

Watching James's face now.

I'm so sorry.

It's honestly like you're speaking a completely different language.

Like, he's trying to understand you.

What?

Like, dark chocolate makes me feel good, but, like, that's the least sweet of sweets you could get.

Jeff, I think after this interview, I'm going to have to phone my publisher and tell him to burn all those books that I wrote.

Is he going to be able to find the ones you've sent out already?

Yeah, yeah.

Get them all.

Burn them all.

Just burn those chapters.

Do you think this will be?

Does this book's fine?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think this will be?

Don't take it out of no-name.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She loves desserts.

Yeah, yeah.

I like desserts.

I'm sorry.

I'm like,

it's less than what it seems like.

I just can't have too much of it.

I can tell.

I'll get a handle.

James, do you think this will change how you listen to Jeff's music now?

I could tell.

Yeah.

The answer is yes.

I've been listening to it like this guy does it.

This guy's eating a marshmallow while he's singing.

That's why it sounds this way.

That's what I used to imagine.

I used to imagine you had a mouthful of marshmallows.

It would make a lot of stuff.

I thought a tall boy was a type of chocolate bug.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

Okay, so, you know,

you love sweets.

I'm going to handle that.

Yeah, okay.

But we're still here with me.

Yeah, just still here with the dessert.

It might be something that will cheer me up.

Yeah.

Okay, so

I would go with a key lime pie.

Okay, God.

It does.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

But

too inconsistent, and this is my first time going to the Dream Restaurant.

I don't know what they're going to fucking do.

Sure.

Right.

So instead, I'm going to bookend this with another chain.

Yes.

With Friendly's.

Do you know about the the chain Friendly's?

No, but I love the name.

Okay.

So Friendly's is like an ice cream chain, but it's a restaurant.

So they have all this shitty ass food.

It's like where I went when I was a kid.

A bunch.

It's just like chicken wrap,

like fries and burger something.

And you just go there so you can eventually make your way to the ice cream.

Okay.

And I would get,

which is available in supermarkets, a nice slice of what's called watermelon roll, which is picture a watermelon, picture a cross-section of a watermelon.

You've got your nice little smile-looking thing.

Yeah, that rind

is made of lemon lime ice cream, lemon lime, sherbet.

Do you say sherbet or sherbert?

Sherbet?

Sherbert?

Sherbet.

Okay.

Yeah.

Take that, Christine.

Not many cases.

Little messages for their wife

during the podcast.

Eat shit, honey.

No, we are good about the sherbert.

And we've looked it up and fucking, like, internet says you could pronounce it either way, which is like, what doesn't help either of us.

So, okay, so that rinds, lemon lime, ice cream.

It's got like something going on on the outside of the rye, which just seems like more.

lemon lime sherbert.

Okay.

But it's got like a little that kind of like sparkly sugar on the outside.

But it's not that.

It's just like a slightly different texture that adds like a little

crunch.

Yeah, but it barely adds a crunch.

Almost just enough.

Yeah, okay.

And then the watermelon part is watermelon sherbet.

And instead of seeds, it's got little dark chocolate chips.

Oh, yeah.

And

it's a warm, breezy day outside.

So

perfect time for this.

And it's great.

I'm grateful.

And it's the best.

I'm definitely eating that at some point in my life.

I absolutely love it.

Also, you really set me up there with, I don't like sweet things.

And and then you had a watermelon made of sherbet.

Yeah.

So that is you've are we thinking of the same thing.

I do not say I don't like sweet things.

Sure.

You're not as good.

I feel like I said I want what I wanted to say, what I was saying in my heart

is that just like I could only handle so much of them.

And maybe I maybe I like this because I could I could I feel like I could just give you the whole fucking and it comes in like a loaf.

Great.

You can just slice off.

I'm just like, give me that whole loaf.

Yeah, yeah.

And

we'll do do this.

When we say sherbet, are we talking about the same thing?

Possibly not.

Oh, well, I think I know what Jeff means, but like, yeah, it's not the same in the world.

In England, Sherbet is the same.

Oh, it's the powder.

It's the powder.

Oh, wow.

You must be confused.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I was like, wow, they've compacted powder down into a loaf form?

Can I look up a picture of this?

Absolutely, you can.

Yeah.

Yeah, I definitely want to see the picture of this world.

Okay.

Like, do you have like a rainbow ice cream adjacent kind of thing where it's like raspberry, orange, and lime?

No, not really.

Because that's rainbow sherbet here.

Right, okay.

And if you call it something else, then we can figure this out.

But fucking, we can't.

This looks crazy.

Yeah.

Look at that.

Yeah.

I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a very vivid red.

That looks great.

And would you, because it's the dream restaurant, would you like us to not just bring that, but make a new one for you that is a whole watermelon?

So we bring it to you as a whole watermelon, and then you can just crack into it yourself.

No, thank you.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Oh,

just standard watermelon roll for me.

Also, you didn't tell us that watermelon is spelt.

I said it that way.

W-A-T-T-A-M-E-L-O-N.

Watermelon is my New York asset.

Watermelon.

It's a watermelon roll.

Is that because they didn't want to be sued by the original watermelon?

Yeah, I guess so.

I think it's like...

a play on like what a melon but that didn't quite make it like maybe they're you know it's a fucking corporation so maybe like 20 people were in a room and half of them were like like, we shouldn't call it that.

And half of her like, we should.

They're like, what if we

just don't write what, a melon, but like make it kind of that.

Or maybe there's, there's so little actual watermelon in it, they can't legally call it watermelon rice.

That's probably it.

Like crab-flavored sticks.

Oh my God.

I was just talking with a vegan buddy about how we used to think imitation crab meat wasn't just fish instead of crab.

That we're like, oh, it's like fake crab.

Sick.

And when you find out, you're just like, God damn it.

Come on.

This is I'm reading all about it here.

Yeah.

This is amazing.

Someone's written a whole article about how this is their favorite cake.

And it is.

It's great.

You could probably get one.

Okay, so I don't know what the friendly situation is here in the West Coast, but like if this is a place where friendly's exists, you could go there and just get one to go.

Yeah.

And you could go to supermarkets.

And if they have friendly's ice cream, sometimes they have that.

I definitely want that.

I'm going to get that today.

Yeah.

That's good.

How's that sound?

Of course you want that because it looks really sweet and the box makes it look like it's for children.

Yeah.

I take issue with desserts being looked looking like they're marketed to children as an adult who likes a fucking dessert, who doesn't want like an apple sage

like crumble, whatever all the time.

Well, Jeff.

That's the kind of thing I have like two bites of.

Like an apple sage creme brulee.

I'm like, okay, that's cool.

I've had one.

I'm good.

So, Jeff, I'm now going to read your order back to you.

Wow.

Water.

You would like sparkling water in a metal cup

with ice.

Okay.

Gosh, now I kind of, now I have so many.

Okay, I'm good.

I got the icon.

I'm good.

I'm good.

Yeah, iced tea is coming.

Oh, okay.

Throughout this, you have an iced tea brought to you, or you're having a hot tea brought to you, and then iced tea.

Fuck it.

They're all brought to you by iced tea.

You're fine.

Okay.

Popped on some bread.

You said brown bread from the cheesecake factory.

Fuck yeah.

No regrets on that one.

Cold skin noodles from Joanne.

Is that?

It's X-I-A-N.

I think it's pronounced Shein.

She's

Famous Foods New York.

Yeah.

Your main course, two slices of Vinny's pizza, pineapple, veggie, spare rib, sweet chili sauce.

Yeah.

Side dish.

Terizzle is the sauce.

Turzzle rolls.

I'm not having it.

Instead of sauce, which they've done sometimes.

I'm not.

Look.

Don't be too liberal with the sauce.

I'm being reasonable here.

Side dish, a volcano roll from Soy and Sake, New York.

And hide some wilted spinach in there.

I gotta have something crazy.

I'm also thinking that every time I eat sweet chili sauce now, I'm gonna think this is gluey.

So thanks.

So ruined that for you.

Absolutely spoiled one of your favorite things.

Pleasure.

A drink.

You would like other half Green City IPA.

Yeah.

And your dessert.

If it's real, if that's the name of it.

Yeah, if that's real.

But otherwise, just want whatever beer they do.

Yeah.

And otherwise, otherwise, they bring me the sweet beer that you got.

And

I learned my lesson to things before I order them.

A dessert.

Watermelon roll.

Hell yeah.

From Friendlies.

Yeah.

I like the sound of it.

100% satisfied with this.

No regrets.

Yeah, yeah.

That actually hangs together better than you thought it was going to as well.

Yeah, I think that's a proper meal.

Yeah.

The pizza and bread are outliers.

Yeah.

But whatever.

Yeah.

Who says you'll eat all the same fucking thing?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No one, that's who.

Not restaurant owners.

Thanks so much for coming into the dream restaurant.

Thanks so much for having me.

Thank you, Jeff.

Yeah, thanks for having me.

well there we are James the menu of your hero Jeff Rosenstock a delicious menu I want to try that watermelon so much you want to go and try it with Jeff and go oh Jeff I love this so much

oh well oh sorry liking someone's music isn't cool now oh sorry am I pathetic for liking someone's music oh apologies Ed when we had Corey Taylor on I played it so cool you throughout that episode you were like oh Jeffy

I love you the way you play your guitar.

Do you know what?

I'm proud, proud that I did that.

We cut that out, you said that, huh?

We cut that out, you said that.

Jeffy, I love the way you play guitar.

Oh, did we though?

We cut all that out because I said it too much.

Yeah, you said it so much, we had to cut all of them out.

Yes, I remember with Corey Taylor, and

you were like, Corey, I love you, Corey Taylor, Corey Taylor.

If I was a Snipknot, I would wear a mask.

That is a love heart, cause I love you, Corey Taylor.

I'd believe I had to edit that out.

I'll be honest, James, if Slipknot came to me and said, Ed, we want you to be in Slipknot, you have to wear a love heart mask, and all you do is come up to the microphone in between songs and sing about how much you love Corey Taylor, but you have to give up comedy and podcasts and everything.

I would, of course, I would do it.

Yes, that would be funny, actually.

In a heartbeat, I'd be the love heart.

They'd be like, who's this new mysterious loveheart guy?

Number 10.

Number 10, the love heart.

Anyway, let's stop talking about Slipknot because that was Jeff Rosenstock's episode.

episode and I am also a huge fan of Jeff Rosenstock.

He's got so many albums out there to check out, James.

Yeah, you gotta get out there, you gotta buy We Call, you gotta buy Worry from 2016, you gotta buy Post, and you gotta buy No Dream, the latest album, as of now, when we're speaking, Jeff releases a lot of stuff.

So absolutely get into all of that.

You gotta listen to the ammo and sons of bitches, you gotta listen to Ebysica Band, you gotta listen to Bomb the Music Industry, anything Jeff's ever been involved in.

Get on it.

He didn't say Coriana C's, which is lucky because we were having a lovely time with Jeff.

And imagine if you'd had to kick Jeffy out of the restaurant.

I would have left as well, Ed.

Yeah, you would have had to kiss goodbye to your waiter.

Let's go to another place then, Jeffy.

That's what I would have said.

I don't know why you're putting on that voice.

I would have said, let's go to another place, Jeffy.

No, I wouldn't have called him Jeffy.

Oh, no.

Thank you very much to Jeff for coming on the podcast.

If you want to check us out on the socials, you absolutely can.

We're at Off Menu Official on Twitter and Instagram, and the website is offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Bye!

Goodbye, Ed.

Love you, Paula Kayla.

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favourite and when were you lost on Faithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashling B, Catherine Myan, Richard Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar and other legends.

Get it on ACAST, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your all podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in if CC stands for Cuddle Club.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.