Ep 116: Bob Mortimer

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

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And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

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And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

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Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the bubbling cheese of chat and dipping in the chunky bread of humour and chewing it with the mouth, chewing it with our mouths, James.

I thought you were going to pour the hot cheese of chat over the nachos of humour.

Oh, that would be good.

Maybe I'll do it.

I mean, I'm always looking for ones to do.

That'll be the next one.

Yes, pouring the cheese of chat over the nachos of humour and sprinkling on the coriander of conversation, those.

And sharing it with all of us.

Sharing it with all of our friends.

Yes.

Well, James, it's the off-menu podcast.

That's all we need to know, really, isn't it?

Yes, we own a dream restaurant.

Ed is the Maitre D.

I am a genie, waiter.

And we ask our guest their favourite ever: starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week's guest is

Bob

Mortimer.

Bob Mortimer, of course, you know who Bob Mortimer is.

I do.

You know, but the listener, I mean, we don't need to explain who Bob Mortimer is.

Comedy legend, comedy royalty.

Yes, yes, yes.

Done so many great shows.

A lot of great shows with Vic Reeves,

a lot of other amazing shows.

Great fishing shows.

Great fishing shows.

The White House, of course.

Yes.

And on that show, they say, and away.

Yes, they do.

And that is also the title of Bob's new book.

Yes, Bob Mortimer's Life Story.

Yeah.

Autobiography.

Finally, he's a national treasure.

Everyone wants to know Bob's life story.

And finally, you can sit down and read it in his brand new book.

And hopefully we'll get a little bit of bits of that life story.

Yeah.

In this episode of Off Menu, where we're going to be asking Bob his dream menu.

I'm very excited to have him on, James.

Can't wait.

He's spoke about food every now and again on the shows that he's been on.

You know, people, I've really enjoyed hearing his personal life stories when he was on, Would I Lie to You?

So, like,

I'm looking forward to hearing what he chooses.

However, Ed, if he chooses the secret ingredient.

I don't want to do the secret ingredient this week.

I love Bob Mortimer.

I don't want to kick him out.

Come on, man.

I know you don't want to, but I think we should do it.

I mean, we've got to.

Fair's fair.

Oh, it'd be so sad if we have to kick Bob Mortimer out.

Yes, yes, it will be a big shame, actually.

All right, we'll do a secret ingredient.

Okay.

And it is

Fisherman's Friends.

Fisherman's friends.

Imagine.

Imagine if he gets caught out by that.

Because he's a fisherman.

Yes.

He fishes with his friend.

Yeah, just to be clear.

If he has Paul Whitehouse, like, you know, there, we're not going to kick him out.

No, it's not your friend who you fish with.

No, exactly.

But if he says he wants Paul Whitehouse as a menu item, then we might have to kick him out.

If he's going to eat Paul Whitehouse, yes.

Yeah.

But we kick him out, but that's for other reasons.

Maybe that's just across all the episodes.

Cannibalism in general is we will kick you out.

Specifically of Paul Whitehouse.

Yeah.

Or

I would say with anyone.

Okay, sure.

But you can be just with Paul Whitehouse.

But that's, you know, I reckon there are people out there who might use the dream restaurant to say, I'd really like to know what human tastes like because it's a safe environment.

Do you think we'll have that one day?

Yeah, maybe.

That's the sort of thing Richard Herring would have done.

Yeah, actually.

If he ever gets back on this,

he'll want to eat your person, I imagine.

Yeah.

But we're saying Fisherman's Friend as in

the nuclear strong mints that Fishermen is that what they are?

Are they mints?

No, I thought they were like

tablets or something like that.

Yeah, sounds about either.

Yeah,

they're horrible.

We don't know what it is.

Yeah, they do taste savoury, but also.

Oh, they are horrible.

Right.

Oh, they are strong menthol lozenges, James.

Benita's just told us.

Okay, well.

But then I think there's something in what you said as well.

So maybe there's something out there that's like that.

But either way, I don't like like it.

If he picks him, he's out of Adam.

Um, if he does pick him, he's out.

I'm afraid, sorry, Bob.

Well, let's crack on.

Oh, I'm on tour, by the way, next year.

Oh, yeah, yeah, shows called Electric.

Very excited about it.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

I thought I'd get the plug-in in the intro this week.

Yes.

Because quite often you put things in an outro of a podcast, people don't make it.

Sure.

So I'm getting it in now.

Understood.

I think that's very wise of you, and I applaud it.

Thank you very much.

But let's crack on with the off-menu menu of Bob Mortimer.

Bob Mortimer, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

Get in.

Welcome, Bob Mortimer, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

This genie.

Yes.

Do you picture yourself as one of the topless ones?

Yeah.

It's your dream restaurant, so it's up to you, really.

Yeah, that's true.

Yes, please.

Yes, absolutely.

May I have topless?

Yeah.

Football shorts and cowboy boots.

Yes.

Yes, you may.

What colour are the football shorts and the cowboy boots?

Football shirts are red and the cowboy boots are blue.

Yes.

Oh, lovely.

You can have that blue.

With white detailing.

Yeah.

And a good kick on the heel.

Red for Middlesbrough?

Could be.

I mean, it could be any of the red teams, but I can say...

The Middlesbrough Football Club genie.

Yes.

Who can affect play once in a match?

Oh, that's great.

When do you choose him?

I guess.

Well, it depends how much he can affect play, because if you save it right to the end and then go, they score 50 goals, then that feels like...

No, I think he can affect one passage of play.

Right.

When you say affect play, like, how much do you mean?

Because, like, is, like, you know, giving the whole of the opposition, like, explosive diarrhea affecting play?

That's good.

Or is it more tactical stuff?

I think that if he gave them more diarrhea, that would affect more than one play.

Yes.

So I'm thinking maybe, you know, at a penalty kick, he could collapse the keeper into just a pile of clothes.

Yeah.

You know?

For example.

I don't...

It would be quite fun, the crowd singing, play the genie.

Do you know what I mean?

Please, for fuck's sake, get the genie.

Why are they not playing the genie?

What's the point of having a genie if they're not going to play the genie?

Are you imagining the genie sat on the sub bench as well?

Everyone sees the genie warming up at the side.

Here we go.

The other team are absolutely terrified, wondering who's going to be collapsed into a pile of clothes this week.

Got his top off.

I think there are some rules that could be.

Do you think instead of a yellow card, maybe a player has to carry a garden spade for $500?

Yeah.

You think twice about fouling someone?

You definitely would.

Yeah, yeah, this would be awkward.

Having to carry a spade about it.

A spade, spade player.

Everyone laughing at him.

Yeah, sorry, that's football bit.

Is it a metal spade?

Yeah, real traditional.

Do you know what, James?

I'm going to say shovel.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So what if they then foul again?

If they foul twice, it's not just back to the spade, is it?

What is there instead of a red card?

Well, I'm tempted to say two spades.

Well, what if they foul again and they use the spade?

You don't want to give them another spade.

That's just asking for trouble.

Ask for more trouble.

And of course, then the FA would get into trouble.

Or you would, James, for introducing the robot.

I would, yeah, it'd be my fault.

Yeah, the actual seed of this decapitation was James.

Yeah, they go.

You know, it's his fault.

Bob, are you a foodie?

I snack a lot.

I eat a lot of food.

But, you know, grazing all through the day.

You know, Kit Kat, Packer Crisps, Seabrook's crisps.

Do you like them?

I've never had Seabrook's crisps.

I'm aware of Seabrooks.

They're traditional crisps.

You know, they're not like this kettle nonsense.

They are a proper,

you know, juvenile crisp.

But they're very fatty and very salty.

They're very indulgent crisp, you know.

Okay.

Kind of like, you must get this a lot with the old fellas that

come on.

Kind of like crisps used to be.

We haven't got this a lot with the old fellas who have come on.

You're the first person who said about how crisps used to be.

So you've noticed the changing of crisps over time and you've not...

Yeah, I think for very obvious reasons now they shout about less fat and less salt and so on.

So you have a fond memory of when they were really very dirty, a very dirty thing.

So that's what you like.

You like a dirty crisp?

I like dirty crisps, yeah, and your dirty cheeses.

Yep.

And your dirty sausages.

Do you know what I mean?

The skinless.

Yeah.

Just skinless.

Skinless sausages.

Do you know the ones that...

Actually, I don't know what you mean.

I don't know why I acted like a...

Yeah, you were a great threat.

I mean, yes, I did that, but you've got no idea.

Skinless sausages?

I don't know what that is.

The wall skinless is um yeah, you know, it never bends,

you know, it never disappoints.

It's uh so like, yeah, snack.

I don't go out restaurants much.

Uh-huh.

That's a real treat for me.

I was like, maybe two or three times a year.

I go into town maybe twice a year and I have a meal with Matt Berry and Reece Shearsmith.

Interesting.

Lovely.

Now, why is it that lineup every year?

Because

it's under the name of being like a gossip club.

And we gossip about all the other comedians.

Yeah.

Wow.

What's Matt Berry bringing to the table there?

I mean, like, Matt Berry, fair enough, we all respect him, but I don't see him hanging out with a lot of comics and getting the goss.

No, but none of us are.

None of us are

outright with comics.

But we're more like members of the public.

Oh, so you're

discussing gossip with African shows.

Yeah, what was he doing?

You know, like, why on earth earth did it was that commissioned?

No.

And

so I enjoy that.

Yeah.

And you know, a lot of other comedians are doing that sort of stuff on WhatsApp groups.

Is that what they do?

It's lovely that you guys save it up for once or twice a year at a restaurant.

I imagine the three of you have some disdain for WhatsApp groups and the like.

I've no disdain for social media.

But I've penetrated Twitter and beginning to learn Instagram.

And

I don't know

the rest WhatsApp group.

That sounds quite technical.

Yeah.

Is there a name for this club?

No.

The Gossip Boys?

Well,

we're always then...

The conclusion of every meeting is who is sitting at the top of the lucky table.

So we could call it the Lucky Table Club.

What does that mean?

That's like the comic who's doing the well at the moment.

Out of you three?

The comic who's doing the best, but...

Not on merit.

Right, okay.

Yeah, the lucky table.

I get that.

Yes, okay, yeah.

So.

It's just a bit of fun.

Who has has it been in the...

I'm not saying.

Yeah.

You were saying you like to snack a lot and you like stuff that are a bit dirty.

We did notice when you arrived here, you brought a takeaway coffee with you.

I did.

And you...

There were a lot of sachets of sugar that you opened and put in the coffee that we didn't mention at the time because we thought we were about to do a food podcast.

We'll ask them during that.

How many sugars did you put in?

I think I put six in that one.

But, James, when I were young,

I used to put in 16.

And I promise I did.

And

the only ever so slightly amusing thing about that story is that if I put 17 in, and you can lose count, it was too sweet for me.

No, absolutely true.

I think it was because, you know, writing this book, you start thinking of things.

And it's like,

my dad died in a car crash when I was like seven or something.

And I think I started taking all these sugars then, so I was probably something

of a because it's mood-altering, isn't it?

I think, yeah, definitely, yeah.

So, I think that's what that started to show.

I think it might be the link with it.

And I'm down to six, five, you know, now.

Was that gradual, or was that just

you didn't get rid of 10 all at once?

No, over these years, 40, 50 years, or whatever.

So, yeah, on my deathbed, maybe they'll offer me a tea.

And I'll say, No,

I've got that.

Also, I noticed your technique is you put a lot in at once.

Yeah.

I mean,

it was a sustained.

You were putting sugar after sugar into the point that James clocked.

I saw James clock it and then about to say something.

And I did.

I mean, you would have noticed this, Bob.

I did have to stop James asking you about the sugars because we were about to record this and I knew it would be a great chat.

And then, after that happened, there was a little pause.

Yeah.

And then another one went in.

No, there was the stir.

You stirred it for a while.

That's a cappuccino, is that right?

It's quite a frothy top.

It's quite a frothy top.

And what happens, it's quite exciting really because if you know the foam on the top you may have noticed because you saw it about your first four stay on the top and then they suddenly break through and it's like a little sinkhole yeah i did it was exciting it's quite exciting

so yeah sugar but then you stirred it yeah so you it went in like a sinkhole and i'd say this was probably at four or five yeah then you stirred it for a while until it had all stirred in completely and you had this like consistent froth on the top one colour froth yep and then you put another in, another sugar in.

Now, is that a regular occur?

You do it until the point, then you stir it, and then the final one goes in.

Do you know, I've never forensically examined it, but whatever you saw, because I wasn't thinking, is obviously what I tend to do.

It's what you like.

It's what I like.

It's like you were keeping the coffee on its toes.

Like,

you were letting the coffee know, like, that's all the sugar.

And it was like, it relaxed, and you're like, no, there's one more.

Surprise it.

That's what I'm about to go.

You mentioned your book.

Bob Mortimer.

And away.

And away, yeah.

And away.

Is that how it's supposed to be pronounced?

It is, because it's a catchphrase from a fishing show that I do.

Yes.

Do either of you have catchphrases?

Not yet, yes.

Do you have a catchphrase?

Yeah, Bob will be hearing it later.

Oh, yeah, I suppose.

Within the podcast, I guess there are catchphrases.

Yes, of course, there are, aren't there?

I do like food, was your question.

I'm not a foodie.

I have no great knowledge of food.

Yeah.

But

I'm very, very, very fond.

It's like a life-enhancing thing.

You know, the times when you suddenly think, oh, what?

I need beans on toast desperately.

And it's lovely to satisfy that need or liver.

I really like lamb's liver.

So liver and potato or something.

How often do you get the liver rich?

I say the liver might be once every three months.

Yeah.

But it's big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it calls loud and sharp.

Beans very often.

Yeah, soft-boiled eggs.

You know those comforty things.

But it's nice that you can actually sate it by just going to a cupboard.

Well what do you do though?

You were talking about fishing.

If you're out fishing and then you suddenly get, oh I want some beans, I want some liver,

you're stuck by a river.

I didn't mean to rhyme that, but like, but like,

what do you do in that situation?

Well...

You know that what is it?

What's that word that it's very common now, like deferred gratification?

So it just makes that liver sing even more when it lands on your plate, you know.

You can get it.

Yeah.

You can get liver.

You can get liver.

Not as easy as you could.

Oxtongue.

I used to cook oxtongues with my mum.

Yeah.

And, you know, whole tongue.

It's a very, very delicious thing.

How big is it?

About that big?

They are big.

That's massive.

I've got one in my freezer.

Have you got one in the freezer?

I've got the tongue in the freezer.

Shall you cook it?

Yeah.

Or just do you just want it that's frozen?

I'd just like to know it's there.

No, it's very reassuring, innit?

If there's a burglar or something

I could whip the tongue out.

Must be quite tempting to just have it hanging out of the freezer drawer so you open it like a mouth.

Yeah.

If it's that big.

How should I cook it, though?

Because

be honest, Bob, I was sent it by a company because they said on the podcast, I've always wanted to have tongue.

And they sent me a tongue.

And now it's just in the freezer.

Well, it's very delicious.

You'd have to defrost, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

And then just clean it a bit with some salt and water.

Yeah.

And then put it in a big pot, big old pot, and simmer it for.

I mean,

they do vary a bit, yeah, probably four hours is our average, just with some carrots and onions, yeah.

And then when it comes out,

the skin of the tongue will have turned very white, right?

Um, and it's very satisfying, that just really peels off very easily.

And then you take the tongue, put it in a bowl that's only just big enough to hold it, put a saucer on top of it and something heavy and then wait for it to it'll it'll like gelatine itself you know you don't have to do anything right okay and then or have it hot head it's very nice it's very nice just hot are you sure it's nice because that sounded disgusting

what bit was disgusting i think it was when the tongue turned really white that was when i was like oh this doesn't sound great the the sort of joy in your eyes as you were describing it made me think maybe it is great it is great peel off the white skin and then you cram it into a bowl and it gelatines.

All of that salad cream.

Yes, yeah.

But if you fancy it up with some peas, and people like mayonnaise these days, don't they?

These days.

It wasn't a thing when I was young.

Was it not?

No, I'm old enough now.

When you were young, was it salad cream?

Salad cream, you could have.

I've seen it when you get old, it's nice to look back and you can remember.

Oh, I remember when yogurt came in.

You know that I remember pre-yogurt

and things like that.

Well, our ones are, you know, our generation generation will talk a lot about remembering when salted caramel came in.

Yeah.

Remembering when pulled pork came in.

Like all those ones.

That was probably the first time in my life I remembered, oh, there's a new trend of foods that are

brioche.

Brioche.

Brioche is a pre-yog.

Yeah.

Yeah, some pre-yogurt.

I remember the first yogurt that arrived on these shores was the ski yogurt that had an orange flavour, which was delicious.

And very rare to find an orange flavour.

given that the first ever yeah it's a shame it hasn't is now ignored really yeah

olive oil when i was young the only place you could get olive oil was the chemist what yeah because you use it you know for the ears and stuff off the ears yeah it was you could only buy it in the chemist so i'm pre-olive oil pre-yogurt you're not of course not pre-banana we yet to have a pre-banana guest on yeah we're waiting for that

who do you think of all the celebs would be pre-banana well the oldest i suppose yeah

what celebrity?

Would you not be surprised if they turned out to be pre-banana?

Is William Hartnell still alive?

He feels pretty old.

He's pre-banana, isn't he?

Yeah, I reckon.

Yeah.

There might be a few pre-pineapples, maybe?

Yeah, there's got to be some pre-pineapples.

He's got to be.

Parkinson.

Do you think he's pre-pineapple?

Is Parkinson pre-pineapple?

He might be.

I think he might be.

I think he interviewed the first pineapple.

Do you remember because bananas came over the Second World War, right?

Yeah.

And I distinctly remember an interview, I can't remember what it was on, of someone saying they remember bananas being brought to the UK and they were really excited.

And they were like, well, we had no idea what they were going to look like.

We saw a box being opened.

We thought they might be five foot long.

Just imagine kids crowding around a box, imagining a giant banana.

But yeah, so food, the same as when I was a student.

My favourite meal without a shadow, like, you know, like my desert island meal would be, I don't know if you've ever had it, is bird's eye boil-in-the-bag beef with

instant mashed potato and tinned peas.

I absolutely enjoy it.

Is that going to be on your menu?

No, that would be my desert.

I'm going to treat myself today.

Ah, okay, so this would be.

But if I, if it was an everyday,

the most disgusting thing I've ever heard since you said the tongue thing.

Boil-in-the-bag beef.

Yeah.

Boil-in-the-bag bird's eye beef.

Yeah.

All the bees.

Yeah.

And instant mash

tinned tinned piece

i'd like to know how this boiled in the bag bird's eye beef tastes um is it god what's so good about

is it very salty i imagine there'll be salt in there to to get to get you going won't there it's just slices thin slices of top side in the perfect gravy

and you um boil it in the bag actually these days you can buy it in a tray and um put it on a plate and microwave it but it doesn't taste as good Not as good as boil in the bag.

No, boil in the bag is the perfect delivery method.

How regularly do you have the boil in the bag?

I have it

six times a year.

I wish I had it more.

But you know, you know, there's things that you love, but you kind of just forget to get them.

Also, you don't want to overdo it because then you might ruin it for you.

True, yeah.

I cooked it for Paul in the latest series of Gone Fishing, and he thought it was a revelation to him as well.

But here's the thing I would like to introduce you to.

Just remembered,

I made mashed potato from potato crisps and it is really nice.

Is it?

Okay.

It is really nice, yeah.

Colour me and treat.

How'd you do it?

Three packs of walkers, plain.

No, that's not your usual brand.

Yeah, normally Seabrooks.

Seabrooks would be Seabrooks, that would just be too much.

If you made mashed potatoes with Seabrooks,

honestly, you'd just be the king.

Garments would be sold for you, parades.

And then, I don't know how much, you know, like I'm going to say a centimetre of water, hardly any water, centimetre of water.

But let it all break down into, and you'll suddenly say, shit, there's mashed potato forming here.

And then just because the colour's not great,

it's a little bit yellowy, just put a little bit of cream in.

Yeah.

Stir that in.

Delicious.

And I kid you not, it really is nice.

How close is it to actual mashed potato?

Could you give it someone and say there's some mashed potatoes?

Again, they would not.

They wouldn't know.

They wouldn't notice the difference.

They would think it's quirky mashed potato, but they'd certainly think it was potato-based mush.

So there you go.

That's like a tip in it.

That's a good tip.

Yeah, that's a good tip.

Make some.

I mean, hopefully some listeners will try that.

Yeah.

And can let us know how it goes for them.

It's really nice.

And the other one is, do you like tips or no?

Yeah.

Love tips.

I love tips.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

The other one is on on the last series of gone fishing i did corn on the cob

yeah and then you get a pack of what's it's crush it to a fine powder and then roll the corn in the whatset dust

now this sounds nice

that sounds very nice yeah yeah yeah i i would i would i would it does what it's really nice have you ever tried what's it mash

with bits of corn niblets in it as well yeah

and you could give that a name couldn't you yeah you could you could name that you could name that couldn't you i think you could come up with with a name for it immediately.

You could.

Truncheon or something?

Yeah.

Or just knock us up some truncheon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Start your meal with still a sparkling water, Bob.

I'll have still, please, thank you.

Are you pre-sparkling?

Oh, yeah.

I am.

Whoa.

I mean, I always say, I wonder.

One of the reasons I don't like sparkling water is when I was young, if you had an upset stomach, your mum would give you Andrew's liver salts.

Do you know those?

I've heard of that.

I've heard of Andrew's liver salts.

And I I think they kind of make water into sparkling water.

Right.

And I can still taste that Andrew's liver salts.

Am I wrong?

There's a taste to sparkling water.

It's not just water plus bubbles.

There's a taste, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

It kind of dries my mouth out a bit, makes me teeth dry.

Did you like Andrew's liver salts?

I did like them because

they're fizzy and children are very much drawn to anything fizzy, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah.

You like liver and you like salt.

Yeah, yeah.

So much of the essence of those two experiences.

And if you also knew someone called Andrew who you liked, did you know anyone called Andrew that you liked?

Favourite Andrews?

Andrew.

I wish I knew an Andrew.

I think I knew an Andrew Gunn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he was a gun.

He didn't have much of an appetite.

So you don't want Andrew's liver salts as your water course today?

No, thank you.

I won't be your drink.

I love still.

Thank you.

The stillest of the bottle or the tap.

I think I will indulge in the bottle one if that's okay.

Yeah, of course.

Because tap water can sometimes be a bit dreary, can't it?

Temperature-wise or taste-wise.

How many sugars do you have in your

water?

Sprinkles of what's it dust on it.

I'll have a truncheon or a water bullet.

So that will do me nicely, thank you.

But yeah, bottled water, still water.

Pop loves or bread!

Pop loves or bread, Bob Mortimer.

Pop loves or bread.

I will take bread, please.

Yeah.

And I can have any bread.

Yeah.

Any bread

you want.

But I'm just saying, I would like a loaf of bread.

Yeah.

White loaf, crusty loaf.

Because I like the crust best.

When you're in a restaurant and they give you the bits, I sort of eat round.

I eat the crust.

I do.

Aware of the fact that I don't want to ruin my appetite,

I kind of work around the nut of the bread.

So

do you leave the nut of the bread?

Yeah, I leave the nut.

Or you can roll it into a fun little ball.

Yeah.

You know,

balls are fun, aren't they?

Balls are fun.

Yeah, I always

throw it in a glass.

Yeah.

And I always enjoy that.

It's probably the, maybe, it gets you going.

Yeah.

Makes you think, I'm glad I came out.

Yeah, gets a little bit of saliva going.

Yeah, it's a bit special.

Someone's brought me some bread.

Yeah.

It's funny about up north, especially the northwest, a lot of people, I don't know whether they still do, always have a white slice with every meal they had.

Are you aware of that?

No, I'm not aware of that.

Maybe I'm aware of the 70s.

Whatever meal they had, slice of bread and margarine.

And is that the mop as well?

Maybe that was it.

Maybe that's where it comes from.

But no, I'd enjoy those crusts.

We can just get you.

We can just bring you crusts if you want.

Shit, of course.

Yeah.

You don't even need to pick around the nut, the crust.

Just lukewarm crusts

with olive oil and and butter.

Butter.

I guess you could have some butter.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where's the butter?

But that would be nice.

And then with your water, that's nice.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm on my way.

Thanks for having me.

I was going to ask, because I thought it through, is like, can I change my restaurant menu for each course?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

So whatever you want.

Where are we now?

Well, is this a course?

Could I change after bread?

You can change after bread.

Okay, well, I'd just like to be in

quite a formal restaurant, maybe a 20 tables.

Yeah.

And it's all couples.

And I'll take them in.

And then on my next restaurant,

the same 20 couples are there.

I'll just see how they're getting on, which ones have split up.

Yeah.

You know.

and follow that story through.

Do you know what I mean?

So why are you changing restaurants each time?

Because it's because what I want to do is, sorry, I haven't been to Alex Mender, so my bread I'd like to have in the 1960s.

Right.

Yeah, okay, so time travelling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was a very big part of this.

You missed out.

Yeah, sorry.

Apologies, they are time travelling as well.

But you're a genie.

Yeah, yeah,

a topless genie.

They're the strongest.

They can absolutely do this for you.

So we're in the 1960s having the bread course, having the

lukewarm crusts.

Yeah.

In the 60s, and there's couples in the restaurant.

20 couples.

20 couples, yeah.

So the idea then, the starter, we're jumping forward how many years?

I think we should go

three years.

Three years.

And it's the same couples, but you're seeing how they've got on in those three years.

Yeah, which ones are still together, which ones have nearly stopped talking.

Yeah.

If they have broken up, because within the three years, there's bound 20 couples.

Statistically, there's definitely one couple who've broken up, right?

At least.

Are they still together at the restaurant, even though they split up or is one person there by themselves?

It's a very good question.

I haven't really thought it through.

I'd like to still see them.

So maybe any couple that split up become waiting staff.

And I can still see them flitting about.

Yeah, yeah.

And do they then have to serve the person they used to go out with?

Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I don't know which one sits and which one works.

But you'll sort that out, GG.

I'll sort that out.

I mean, you have turned it like, I get why this would be nice and entertaining for you, but I think for those couples, it's become like a horror film where, like, if they don't make their relationship work, they're doomed to just be waiting staff in the dream restaurant forever.

But, like, I like that as a concept for a film.

I just like to I'd like to eat on my own, I think.

Yeah.

So

a nice little story to watch.

I've eaten my bread and I can pick.

Oh, I think they're going to make it together.

No chance.

And then next restaurant, Courtesy of the Genie.

Oh, I was wrong.

There's going strong.

Are you like putting a bet on or is it like a sort of like watching the horses?

I'll phone up Paddy Power and ask if he'll give me odds.

Give me odds.

And if, you know,

those odds are good.

Yeah.

I like to bet on football.

And that's not football.

That's not football.

It's not relationship.

Yeah, it's not quite.

I like betting it.

Also, you say you want this meal on your own

so you can watch all this happen.

But I mean, it very much sounds like the kind of thing that the Lucky Table Club would enjoy.

I can't see Matt Berry and Reese Shearsmith not enjoying this sort of thing with you.

Like looking at other couples and being like, they're going to split up.

Oh, I don't like to look at them.

Oh, but maybe Matt could have a table over there.

Rhys over there.

Yeah.

Would you just be sort of nodding at each other?

Because of course you're not on a WhatsApp group or anything.

So you'd have some sort of gesture.

I think when you finished finished the bread, taking your hanky out of your chest,

we'd convene at one table yeah and say i think they uh and they're incompatible yeah this seems to be coming from before we started recording you were talking to ed at length about how you love real housewives of uh beverly hills of new york yeah of what what series

you're on potomac now You're watching the real housewives of Potomac.

Yes.

Is this kind of fascination with watching couples, do you think it's come from that?

Like trying to predict who's going to stay together and like that kind of voyeurism into like other people's lives?

I think that, yeah, I think so.

I think it's the stuff of life, you know, watching people.

So, yeah, I was, I've always been, I was a very quiet lad till I was about 30.

Yeah, very quiet.

So, you do a lot of watching and you kind of get, I think you get quite good at it as well.

I've always enjoyed it.

If ever I'm, if I'm on holiday with Jim, with Vic,

if we're on holiday,

he's so different.

That's it.

So, I don't know, you're in some town, and I'm I like to say, oh, can I get a coffee?

Just sit and people watch.

But Jim takes it just as he needs to have coffee.

Yeah.

So he watches me drink it and says, Can we go now?

You've had your coffee.

And I didn't want a coffee really.

I wanted to, you know, I do like watching people.

So, yeah, there's probably something in there.

That sounds a bit of a bit of a tough holiday there.

Well,

when we're touring, Jim's just one of those people.

So, like, if he,

we'll be in the car and I'll see up ahead there's one of those brown signs that says something like rope museum.

Yeah.

Oh, please don't see that, Jim.

Please don't see that

rope.

And there he sees it.

Yeah, he's, you know, that type of person.

He's interested in stuff.

He likes the brown signs and you like the people watching.

Yeah.

And those two don't really go together very well.

There's no people at the brown sign places.

There's no people at the rope.

None worth watching.

Well, I mean, at the rope museum in Twite, which we stopped at um it it's more fascinating than you might think yeah because one you get to make your own bit of rope wow i didn't know that actually sounded pretty good so you're interested yeah yeah yeah um

and of course you have to buy it

and uh the bloke is very sort of welcome to the rope museum and you're just you're instantly it's sort of not very big the room not not that much bigger than this you go oh shit why did i come in but he's got you and there's just him him yeah history of rope yeah great ropes it does sound and it's now starting to sound like a reason more some of a sketch yeah the man who runs the rope museum yeah he's and he's exactly the man that would run a rope museum and a lovely man no disrespect yeah he's very passionate about his ropes and um opposite is one of those waterfalls what you can walk behind Really?

So the funny thing is, it's quite a good combo, me and Jim, because I'd have never made my own bit of rope or walked behind a waterfall if it hadn't been for Jim's natural curiosity at the brown sign,

rope museum

that way.

It's mad that the waterfall that you can walk behind doesn't make the brown sign.

Because that would, that would, if I saw a brown sign saying waterfall that you can walk behind, I'd be straight off.

But rope museum, I'm going nowhere near it.

No, thanks.

Yeah, but see.

Yeah, the two should get together, make your own rope from behind a sheet of water.

Yeah.

You know, and then that's there's cues all the way over T side.

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

That's not a brown sign.

That's the...

Yeah.

That's a neon sign.

And it wouldn't have to say anything.

Just yes, you're here.

Your dream starter.

We're three years in the future.

Three years in the future.

New restaurant.

Maybe a couple split.

Yeah, oh, dear me.

Look at that.

I thought they had a good chance.

Yeah.

But obviously there was...

Maybe they didn't get on with each other's parents.

yeah.

Maybe it was a blind date, yeah.

Originally, originally, it just didn't happen.

Maybe one of them was.

I'm very fascinated.

Isn't everyone by fraudsters?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, I mean, who isn't, right?

I'm fascinated by fraudsters, didn't think that was the next word,

but yeah, absolutely.

So, you think one of them was a fraudster, yeah.

You know, like trying to rinse someone for like, yeah, like, yeah, like a catfish or something.

That sort of could be, yeah, and then I can think about that whilst I'm away in my

starter.

Yeah.

One of my favorite things to eat is an Odeon cinema hot dog.

A really, really.

Me and my son were

obsessed with them.

Yeah.

And I think I could have that as my starter.

Yeah, absolutely.

I want to have one.

I want a cinema hot dog as your starter.

I want to have one.

It's not a main meal, is it?

I don't think so.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, like if you go to the cinema and have a hot dog, which I'll rarely do, but it doesn't feel...

I wouldn't, that wouldn't be my lunch.

No, it's...

Like I'd have have it instead of popcorn, like it's a snack at the cinema, right?

It's a major snack.

Yeah.

It's not a meal, I don't think.

So I'd like to have that.

The number of times

it's so upsetting for myself and my son because a lot of the time we go and see like, you know, just the latest action thing.

Yeah.

But really, we're kind of going for the hot dog.

Yeah.

And so often they put that little prod in and say, sorry, the hot dog's

not ready.

And they've only got three or four on.

Basically, everyone's come for the hot dog, not the film.

Have you ever gone in, bought a hot dog at the cinema and then left again without going to the film?

No, I've never done that.

You'd have to penetrate the ticket check, wouldn't you?

Do you?

Because I think you do at mine.

I really.

I think my local cinema, the snack concession is before the ticket check.

Very wise of them.

So you could go.

Because I would do that.

Yeah, yeah.

You definitely would do that, yeah.

So these hot dogs.

I've got a lot of questions about these.

You'd be surprised to hear, Bob, this is the first time that the Odeon Cinema hot dog has come up off-menu.

Is it one of those ones where they're on those rollers so the the sausage is constantly in motion?

Yes.

What are those?

Because I always look at them I marvel at the rollers.

Is it a warming thing or is it more presentational?

Do you I thought it doesn't thank you because it's interesting innit?

I don't know whether the heat is contained within the rollers or whether the rollers are just turning the sausage.

I don't know the answer to that.

Yeah.

Sometimes it's best not to know.

I would guess heat underneath the rollers.

Yeah.

Rollers just do the motion.

Yeah.

Because I imagine heated rollers, that's quite extreme, right?

That's going to be pretty pricey.

Yeah.

For them to maintain that at the Odeon cinema.

Yeah.

But maybe they can.

Yeah, how confident are you that if I took you to an Odeon now and they were circulating, would you press firmly on those rollers?

Would I put my hand down on the rollers?

Well, I think the heat is still coming up from underneath those rollers and making them hot.

Yeah.

But I don't think the rollers themselves are generating the heat.

So I guess if you took the rollers,

you know, if you moved them away from the rest of the machine and they were just the rollers on their own and you turned them on, I would press my hand against them and I would expect them to be cold.

Right.

I think.

I would be quite confident.

I think you're probably right, James, but would you accept there's a tiny bit of doubt?

I wouldn't be completely in my head just like, this definitely won't burn me.

I think a part of me would be like, I could get burned here.

And there's always a chance that you'd do that and then sort of slip anyway.

Slip anyway.

Yeah.

Smack my elbow on it.

You know, and end up as being my whole body being rolled round and round.

And you end up in the big popcorn page.

You end up in the popcorn pension.

Like humunculous.

Yeah, yeah.

But the

um it's it's like the the Odeon hot dog.

It's what it's one of the last places that you can buy very traditional hot dog.

You know, it's a very soft bog.

Yes.

It's a tinned Wesler's, I believe.

I have tried to find out.

I think it's Westla's.

Nobody seems to know.

I did ask on Twitter, but people do seem to think it's a Westlaws hot dog.

So it's soft and floppy and salty and delicious.

Because nowadays, often hot dog is a real sausage or it's a baguette crusty bread.

Doesn't work.

No, not into that.

So yeah, Odi and hot dog would be nice, thanks.

Absolutely.

The first time I had one of those kind of hot dog sausages,

we speak a lot on this podcast about times that, you know, know, you try something for the first time, blew your mind, it felt like your whole world changed.

And I definitely think the first time I had one of those sausages, I thought, well, this is the best thing ever.

Gorgeous!

This is like amazing.

And then instantly, I think articulating that, vocalizing it to my parents, and getting told, Those are disgusting, and you shouldn't, you shouldn't eat those because it's that's bad, it's not even proper meat, blah blah blah, and all that stuff.

But they are amazing, they're amazing,

proper meats, they are like they're proper in the sense of the word that that's proper for a hot dog.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

When they start fiddling.

It's like it's having an interest in something in your life is important, isn't it?

And the hot dog isn't a terrible place to experiment with.

I wonder what it's like having an interest in your life.

Yeah, yeah.

Because,

like, so you try a hot dog whenever one appears.

And it is interesting.

At Arsenal Football Ground, they serve literally the worst hot dog.

Fuck.

Even the Arsenal fans will say, if you go on there, it's an extraordinary thing.

It's like it's got quite a tough case in, like, with knots at the end.

Do you know that sort of thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, but look, it's really, and like, when you split it, water comes out of it.

It's a stinker.

Yeah, that's bad.

There's probably some people who love it, but whoa.

I mean, so if you were, say, the manager of Arsenal Football Club, you use your substitute genie to change the hot dogs every week that'd be the play change the hot dogs yeah the fans would be livid if you were losing like one nil or it was a draw and then you were like no we're going to use the play to change the hot dogs again yeah i think that if i think it wouldn't be a bad shout if you're four nil up yeah yeah genie yeah i'll do the cinema hot dogs please i don't know whether you could though james because it won't affect the play will it Well, it could affect the play because it would affect the fans' morale and their encouragement to the

would affect the play.

So they'd hear this huge cheer go up because of the end of that hot dog.

Well, there might be like imagine a little boy sat in the stands, he's crying because he's got a terrible hot dog.

Yes.

And then

it just changes.

Yeah, that's the sound it makes.

Yeah.

And it changes, and then suddenly he's happy.

The rest of the fans catch on and then a big roar goes.

Forget all the problems with Venger and Treta in an instant.

I love my team.

I love my team.

An Odian hot dog here at the Emirates.

What's that?

Always used the genie.

It's the genie play again.

What are you putting on the hot dog?

This is the one.

Before we move on to the mains, I think we need to know: is it just a plain hot dog?

It's just a plain hot dog.

And the yellow and the red.

I think it's Heinz in the Odeon.

It must be Heinz.

I think it says on the bottles, Heinz.

Yeah, yeah.

And so I'll buy into that.

I don't suppose they...

fill them up with Costco.

Out of order if they do.

You'd be able to tell.

How are you putting it on?

Because obviously we can put it on in any style.

What I do is

hold it like that, which is nice to have something that you hold like that, innit?

It's not so often.

Yeah, sorry, I know people can't see, but you hold it.

Cradle, the sort of cradle.

Cradle it, yeah.

And then from one end to the other,

straight lines.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Okay.

People can hear how heavy your ketchup is and you put the bottle down, so that's good.

And then the other side of the sausage, the other colour, the same.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then with my finger, is that your ring finger?

No.

Your pointing finger, index finger.

Index finger.

I swirl them both together.

Then lick the finger.

I'd say it's good to be alive.

And then stroll to me.

Dark seat.

Yeah.

You've got to do that before you get away.

Has your son adopted this as well?

Yeah.

I actually I d isn't this nice?

This shows shows the true bond between a father and the son that he allows me to do his his swirly mix with my finger.

But you might you do his first, I take it.

I do tend to there's because you can't do yours, lick your finger and then

it has to be someone else's hot dog first.

I mean, I'm not much of one for, you know, like extreme cleanliness.

Yeah.

I don't sort of frolic around in dog dirt.

But, you know, I'm not that bothered about that sort of thing.

And I hope I've passed it on to my children.

How old is your son?

23.

No he's not.

Yes he is.

And he still lets you...

he still lets you swirl his ketchup and mustard together on his hot dog with your finger.

Yeah.

So he goes to the cinema with you, 23 years old.

Yeah.

That's nice.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That's lovely.

That's lovely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gets his hot dog.

Yeah.

Ketchup and mustard goes on and then in plain sight of everyone, his dad turns and then runs his finger around his hot dog and swirls it together, then puts his finger in in his mouth and says, It's good to be alive.

Good to be alive, son.

And

yeah, I like going to the pictures with my son.

It's good.

That's lovely.

I feel it's lovely.

But I would definitely, I would probably do a double take if I saw a parent

having his dad swell his finger around his sort of sound.

Yeah, it's the swirling, isn't it?

What's going on there?

Yeah.

Well, you get all forensic on me.

It does seem.

It just seems like a little insignificant moment when I do it, but now it makes me look.

No, it's lovely.

I like it a lot.

Yeah.

That's very nice.

What do you think of, just very quickly, because that's a traditional hot dog, split bun sausage down the middle.

How do you feel about those rollover?

The rollover ones?

Do you know the ones I mean?

No, I don't know what you mean.

It's a baguette.

I used to work on a rollover hot dog.

Did you?

Did you do that on those?

Yeah, Whitsey Park, I worked at the Rollover Hot Dog Stand.

I thought it was an ice cream place.

I did as well.

Yeah.

So one day I worked at the Rollover Hot Dogs.

They put me over on the Rollover Hot Dog Stand.

Oh, is this where there's a hole in the bread?

Yeah, so there's like a hot iron pole.

Now that that does have an element in it, that is.

It may be.

So maybe, who knows, actually.

That's not rule out for the rollers having the elements in it.

But a hot iron pole, a spike, get the baguette and just

hole in the baguette and then you put the hot dogs.

And very satisfying.

I would say...

I liked eating those hot dogs.

I definitely ate them the day that I was working there.

More than one, I think, so I thought, I don't know if I'll be on this stand again.

But I

maybe found it even more satisfying to make it than eat it.

I mean, I don't like the baguette, James, with the

baguette, you wouldn't like it.

How do you eat the sauce in that, though?

Well, you so you do the spike, yeah, you put the sauce in first, oh, yeah, and then the sausage.

Does it not lead to kind of sauce concentration in one area, like at the bottom or something?

No, what I'd do is, uh, so the customer does for a hot dog, I'd spike it, yes, I'd put all the sauce in, yeah, and then I'd put the sauce bottle down,

it's a big bowl.

And then I'd get my finger and I'd

go in from the bottom all the way up to the top, swirl it up.

It's good to be alive.

Pot dog in.

There you go.

That'd be £5.60.

What the listener doesn't know is James has got a 30 centimetre long finger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What I'm thinking is, though, is again, the hygiene, you hygiene police sort of people, what would probably be the best way would be go squirt into the hole,

put the sausage in, take the sausage out,

turn it, rotate the sausage out, put it back in.

Yeah,

maybe.

But then everyone would say, oh,

I wish I wasn't alive.

Now I've seen that man do this.

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What do you mean?

Well,

it's so difficult.

Oh, so big my third change of restaurant.

Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah.

So I'll go to and I'd like to go to um the Indian restaurant on Camberwell New Road, yeah, from nineteen ninety.

Okay, might have got me dates wrong.

We've jumped far very far.

Maybe I should have started in 1980.

Okay, to jump very far, but isn't that?

To jump the same thing.

So I started every time.

I started 1980.

Yeah, and then 83 was the start.

I'll go 85.

So we're 85 now.

85?

They're not going to be together, are they?

Maybe.

Some of them I think some of them will be.

So, 1990, the new Duanian on Camberwell New Road for chicken madras, maybe Vindaloo.

I've really struggled with that.

Yeah.

A perfect Vindaloo is probably my sweet spot.

Yeah.

But sometimes they can be a bit, a little bit too fiery.

But if it's the perfect Vindaloo, which I think the new Duanian is the best guarantee I can think of,

that's what I go for.

And I get my Poppadon then.

And I'd have me Poppadom with.

I'd have three poppadoms, James.

Yeah, I'm a big poppadam cowboy, you know.

I like to ride

the pop-adoms.

And do you know, you get those packet sharwoods, are they?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe there's eight in there.

Maybe.

That's a very

important snack to me.

My wife does

a nice, I don't know whether you call it relish, whatever, but she mixes like coriander, onion, tomato,

and lots of mango chutney all together all together lovely

and then i just

it's a good good snack enough for watching the real housewives yeah yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't do you i wouldn't probably have that if i was watching better call soul i'd probably have a softer yeah because the snack because you don't want to be crunching over the information it's all details it's well it's an important show better called soul for me and like when when there's an episode to watch try and treat it with a bit of reverence Your focus.

You need that focus.

You know, you wouldn't have a silly curly whirly

to suck on.

You know, like,

maybe I wouldn't snatch your own better calls.

So

save the snack for after.

Yeah.

Savour all those beautiful shots and the cinematography and all that stuff.

What would you eat a curly whirly watching?

What's the show that deserves to be treated with the least amount of reverence, do you think?

You know, are you football picked or not?

Not massively.

I know we've held our own in the

genie hot dog uh football chat, but

apart from that, we don't really know much about it.

Well, okay, um, um, I watch football whenever there's football on, and a couple of times every week, there'll only be a very lower league match on, you know, Yeovil versus Kettering or something.

Thank you.

And, um, are you Kettering?

Yes.

I didn't know that, James.

I'm from Kettering.

Kettering Harriers?

Kettering.

Kettering Town FC.

Kettering Town FC.

The Poppies.

The Poppies.

Yes.

Oh, nice.

So, and if I was watching that, I might have a curly whirl.

Yeah.

Because that's daft football.

I mean, what?

No, it's great, but...

Yeah, it's curly-whirley football.

We haven't got a football ground at the minute.

We share it with Burton Town Wanderers.

No, no, no.

No, not Burton Wanderers or Burton.

Burton Wanderers?

Something like that.

Do you think if they got their own ground, you might have to change from maybe a Curly Whirly to a Mars or something?

Well, Mars is serious, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's more of a championship, but I would have said.

I do like chocolate.

Do you like your Cadbury's variations?

Yeah, yeah.

Very much.

Never quite sure how to say it, but the Cadbury's Diam, Diam, Diame.

Di-Diam.

Yeah, but it is confusing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a beautiful bar of chocolate, that one, isn't it?

Not the diamond, the Cadbury's dairy milk with bits of...

Oh, with bits of it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you don't like the diam on its own?

I do like it on its own.

Yeah.

It's a bit challenging.

It is.

Challenging is the exact word.

Snap it off.

But again, though, you're talking about, you're mentioning a lot of things that I remember eating for the first time and they just changed my world.

First time I bit into a dime bar I was like this is incredible.

I absolutely loved it and it was around the time when Harry Enfield was doing the adverts.

Armadillo.

Oh right.

From the Armadillo adverts?

I kind of don't.

You kind of don't.

The

crunchy on the outside, smooth on the inside?

Yeah.

Armadillos.

I remember Vic, we launched the Boost Bar, the Cadbury's Boost.

You launched it?

We launched it, yeah.

We went to southern Spain and dressed up as cowboys and Jim came up with the tagline slightly rippled with a flat underside, which was...

Do you not remember that?

And we launched the boost bar.

It's a good bar, the boost.

It is a really good bar.

It's one of the classic.

You know what?

This entire episode is a trip down memory lane, and I'm loving it because...

We're pre-boost, of course.

We're pre-boost.

And Boost is probably the first chocolate bar.

I remember.

I mean, I'm saying I remember it being launched.

i i apologies i don't remember that you and and and vic launched it but like i was so excited to try a boost bar yeah yeah and then when i when i had one it did not disappoint i love the bits of biscuit in it i absolutely adored boosts and had them every week used my pocket money to buy them yeah and i'm very excited to learn that you launched them and came up with the tagline when did you last have a caramak either of you probably not as long ago as you would think but also not recently

but i love i love a caramak i like a

there's nothing else like it apart from the gold bar of course i'll tell you there is some that's a good tag yeah there's nothing else like it yeah there's nothing else like it dairy milk have started doing their own caramak kind of version and they've started like selling like a dairy milk like caramak

so i had that the other day for the first time so it's like this sounds good so it's like uh well it's that kind of caramak chocolate but in a dairy milk

environment yeah

and i liked it i think people have rejected a lot of people have rejected the Caramack.

And I think people should give it one more chance.

Yeah.

I mean, all the bars are great.

I don't like the double-decker, if that's what you're thinking.

Sorry.

I'll tell you what.

That shocks me.

Really?

I don't like it.

You're like the Unsung Heroes.

Yeah,

I feel like it comes in the same.

They're like, you know.

I like the sweeter ones, you know, like your double-decker and your toffee crisp.

Yeah.

On Fridays, my mum used to get us a bar each.

Yeah.

And, like, it's...

So there was four boys.

So the bars, she goes to Pybus the groceries.

We're all waiting in the kitchen and the chocolate bars come out, four bars come out.

And the little hands go, shh, shh, shh, shh,

one left would be toffee crisp.

Really?

So she used to buy different bars.

Yeah, or double decor.

And then just scramble for it.

Because kids know that, no.

It's not a savoury bar.

Right?

I'm not saying that, but it's at the savoury end.

Toffee crisp.

The toffee crisp and the double decor are at the savoury end.

I mean, that's mad.

At the time, you having 15 sugars at your tea or whatever.

But, like, I mean, I don't think anyone would ever taste a double deck deck or toffee crisp and go been on the savoury side.

I mean, I've had all the chocolate bars.

Look at the age of me.

I've had them all.

I've done all the techniques, take the chocolate off the top.

Yeah.

But the other day, I had a crunchy.

And I snapped it in half and put the whole half in

and just like chewed it like it was, I don't know, like like it was beef or something

and it really worked yeah

I've never done that before I sort of nibble the chocolate off and I but

is that do you think that's the final technique done now you think now you've done them all yeah you'd have to start getting silly after that like putting it in hot water or something

of the standard techniques only using your hand and mouth yeah I think I've probably done them all there's that one with the crunchy where again you could hold it in that yeah you take the top off yeah yeah the top layer of chocolate and then you lick from the bottom of the top to the of the honeycomb you get like a groove yeah it eventually collapses in on itself with the saliva yeah and you get a much softer like soil erosion it's a bit like soil science basically you said that whole thing like it's something everyone does as well you know when you take the top layer of chocolate of a crunchy and then you lick it like a lolly from top to bottom there's the honeycomb until it erodes no there was a bar called the Majestic Bar when I was young, which was just wafer chocolate paste, Nutella sort of thing, wafer chocolate.

And

you'd have a little gas fire.

Do you remember from your youth?

Your mum and dad would have like a gas fire.

Yeah, you could hold it like that, and

the hottest wafer bit would curl off, and then you could just take that

like that,

and then you could do the do you know what I mean?

You could do the next.

Peel off each layer.

Yeah, that was a fun wafer.

Did your hands not get really hot?

I don't remember

being at a Burns Victor at any point during that process.

It's amazing if you held your hand off now and it was just great.

It was made of brass.

When we did the boost advert during the lunch break,

we had these beautiful costumes, like cowboy costumes, and we said we want to go and hunt some scorpions.

What?

We were in the Andes in the desert, like a cowboy town.

And

so they said, well, you have to take your costumes off.

So we went off into these little hills in our undies.

Yeah.

And just our undies.

And it was really hot, like hot, hot.

And so I put my undies on my head.

So you're naked now?

Yeah.

To cut a long story short.

Don't cut the long story short.

You can't be naked in the desert with your pants like you're hunting.

Hunting scorpions.

Hunt on a scorpion hunt.

And

Jim poked a stick in.

We looked under a rock and snake came out.

And I threw my underpants at the snake.

Just as a reaction, you know, fuck.

Yeah.

Threw

my underpants at the snake.

And at that point,

there was a load of extras there, and the leader of them suddenly appeared next to us and just saw me naked with my underpants on the floor.

Snake had gone.

Snake had gone.

Jim said serpent.

Serpent.

Serpento.

And

anyway, so we got a certain reputation

after that.

It's the nearest.

Is this true?

The nearest to a meal you can have is the boost bar.

It's got a real density to it.

It's got a real density.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you seen the boosts that are like about that long?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are they thinking?

Yeah.

I mean, that's binding people, innit?

Yeah.

It literally is, it's taking a workforce down.

Is it even a duo?

It's not a duo.

It's one of the things.

Why don't one consistent bar?

I think, James, it's a great big boost, yeah, for adults only, 18.

If you kind of like had them baguette for a rollover hot dog and did the spike, do you think you could fit that boost in there and it'd still be poking out the top?

My instinct is it would be perfect, it would be absolutely what you'd call that flush in the end of the roll.

Yeah, and you'd be onto something, yeah, and they'd be franchised,

and you'd be on a yacht smoking cigars, probably with a pet ape.

Yeah,

you know, all you need to do is lob a boost, and could work, you know, yeah, could work.

If that boost is uh, to quote you, taking down a workforce, yeah, what's a boost in a baguette gonna do?

It's gonna bring all the vehicles down, isn't it?

It's gonna clog their engines, everything.

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Your dream side dish.

Well, because I've gone

for the curry, I mean, I'm regretting it a bit now.

Are you?

Yeah, because I really like fish.

He suddenly looks sad.

I like

Turbut.

Oh, yeah.

Man.

King of the Sea.

It's gorgeous.

It is the king, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Halibut, what would you say, Prince?

Yeah, Prime Minister.

Yeah.

The Prime Minister of the Sea, the Halibut.

And I once and once only had a cod that had been caught the night before.

And that was that that was extraordinary.

The difference between a fresh cod and a cod in the restaurant is pretty is a big big difference.

Yeah.

But I'm going to stick with me.

Stick with your vindaloo.

I tell you, you feel sad in your eyes.

Side dish.

You look quite sad.

A trout on the side.

Yeah, I'll let you have a trout on the side.

As your side dish, is that you?

Do you mind?

I don't mind.

Of course you don't.

Sorry, I need to get you straight.

Yeah, this is what I want.

I'll have a trout, please.

Do you want a trout on the side?

Do you have a trout as your side dish?

Do you know what would work?

Because I would have my vindaloo with chips.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's beginning to work now, innit?

Yeah.

One nice big flake of trout, one chip.

So it's a tiny bit of curry sauce.

Yeah.

So the main course are we saying is chicken, chicken vindaloo.

Chicken vindaloo

with poppadums and chips.

Yes, thank you.

And then the side is a trout.

I think this works.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you know, fuck it.

Turbot.

Turbot, not a trout.

You want

a side.

Yeah.

How'd you run the turbot prepared?

How's that being cooked?

Just like that simple, you know, when you just fry it, shallow fry it.

Who's caught it?

Who caught the turbot?

Yeah, you caught the turbot.

Who would you like to take?

Would you like it if Paul had caught it?

What about Peter Beards?

Lee?

Someone like that, you know.

Yeah.

Would you like to only know?

On Lee Westwood, he's a golfer, isn't he?

Yeah.

Caught by a sportsman.

Yeah, yeah.

Peter Beardsman.

A slightly fading sportsman.

What would you do if you were in a restaurant and you had a turbot, and then they said, bit of a surprise.

We're going to bring out the person who's caught it now.

And Peter Beardley came out the kitchen.

That would be amazing.

All right, Bob.

I come down late from the Ocastle, you know.

They wanted this turbot.

So I hope you enjoy it.

Have a nice with your curry.

So, yeah, that would be great.

So thank you for that.

Thrice-fried chips or something like that.

I like my northern chips in beef dripping.

Thanks very much.

Yeah.

If that's okay, I'll take it.

You can absolutely have that.

If you want beef dripping, please.

Thrice-fried.

Thrice-fried.

And

it's a nice meal, this.

Thank you.

It's going quite well.

Beardsley.

Now I've given them the turbot.

You just nick off.

Stay beardsley.

That's all right.

It's all right.

I'll get out of here.

I think probably what would happen is I'd eat the turbot and the chips with just a hint of curry sauce and I'd probably leave the chicken.

I can see that happening, but I'll give it a go.

I could see that happening.

Yeah,

maybe chicken for Beardsley?

Take a bit of chicken, Peter.

All right, that's good.

Thanks so you watch that.

Take a nice bit of chicken.

Impressions.

So there you go.

Good impression.

In my school,

Peter Beardsley was what we said when we didn't believe someone.

Was it?

Scratching your chin.

The whole scratching your chin thing.

And we pretend we had a beard.

And to start off with, it was bit, it was just beard.

We got that beard.

And then it evolved into Beardsley.

And then there's full, you know, just saying Peter Beardsley.

And also, we just pulled the beard out longer and longer and add like curls and stuff to it.

Yeah.

Beard?

Beardsley?

We were a classic

straight-up Jimmy Hill at our school.

Yeah, Jimmy Hill.

Jimmy Hill, did you?

My mum was a teacher.

Your mum?

She was a cookery teacher.

Oh, well, that's extremely well.

Yeah.

And of course, being a cookery teacher,

and before that, a cook in a hotel, the last thing she wanted to do was cook when she got home.

That's why I'm very keen on thinking like your bird's eye rain.

I was brought up on that first rush of fast food that came in the 70s, frozen mainly.

Fish fingers, bird's eye, cod and parsley sauce.

Is that that something?

Yeah, that's still around.

All those things.

Yeah, so yeah, and I suppose

you get addicted to those childhood diets.

I really got back into fish fingers during lockdown.

They're good, are they?

So good.

Like,

I just had a, you know, haven't really had, I didn't really have fish fingers much growing up.

Really got into like any place that did like a fish finger sandwich.

Yeah, I know.

I'll never sit down a fish finger sandwich.

I'll rarely have fish fingers at home, but if I see fish finger sandwich on the menu, I'm having a fish.

Yeah, it's quite instant when you see that on the menu, isn't it?

Oh, yeah,

obviously have that, yeah.

The one thing that irritates me about the fish finger business,

you know, I mean, on grand scale, the fish finger business and all that, is that if you if you you casually go along this the freezer section and it's a bird's eye fish fingers, and you take them, and then you get home and there's that little detail that you haven't spotted that they're not cod fish fingers.

Have you ever been caught out by this?

No, I haven't been caught out by this.

You can get really caught out by the package identical, except for just that word cod before the fish fingers.

And then if you look at the ingredients for the non-cod ones, it's something like various unknown fish.

It's mystery fish.

White fish, I think they call it.

Various white fish.

And can you tell the difference?

If we blindfolded you and lined up a load of fish fingers, could you tell the difference?

I think so instantly.

Yeah.

Although, you know,

it's interesting with

the the way that the marketing and the branding can interfere actually with your almost with your taste.

It's like,

what's the best tomato ketchup?

Yeah, I mean, you've got to say Heinz as well.

But when we were doing shooting stores, I don't know, just for the fun of it, we used to do a test every week before the show on the stage, you know, as part of just getting things going, which was daddy's versus Heinz.

Daddy's would always win hands down.

Really?

I mean, hands down.

Yeah.

Maybe daddies need to get the act to get.

Maybe mummy needs to get involved.

I think so.

Do you know what I mean?

Sort this out because they've got a marvellous product there.

They've just not marketed themselves properly.

Man named Awful.

I don't want to say, oh, I'd like some daddies on my chip.

Yeah.

Daddy's sauce, please.

Yeah, daddy's sauce.

What?

Yeah.

I mean,

it sounds dodgy.

Of course, for your son, daddy's sauce is anything that's been swirled around Africa.

You know, for for daddy's sauce.

Daddy's swirly sauce.

So, I mean, that's something I'd encourage your readers

to try.

Try a carabacle.

Try a caraback again.

Yeah, and maybe just switch to

one time.

It's only a little bottle for daddy, isn't it?

And do the blind followed taste test with the fish fingers.

See if you can tell.

Yeah, just take a little bit of care.

Are these cod or these various mystery fish.

Fish fingers are things as well where like the posher they are, the less I like them.

Yeah.

And

I want orange fish fingers.

Maybe you like the mystery fish.

Maybe I like them.

Isn't turbots something like 30 quid?

Very, very expensive.

Per whatever they sell it in a pound or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of worth it, though, innit?

Yeah.

Once in a blue moon.

So you might have like the most expensive side dish we've had on the podcast.

Oh, I'd be pleased about that.

Yeah.

I don't want gold on it or anything, couldn't I?

I wasn't being arch

because people, isn't there something people go to Dubai and have a beef burger that's covered in gold?

There's so much stuff like that.

Yeah, there's like the world's most expensive beef burger, and they've made it expensive by putting like a ring in it or something.

Yeah,

put it in a bride's dress.

I like to do you go to wedding shops at all just to pass the time.

No,

no, I don't.

No, I don't.

But

I think it might be alright.

Yeah.

Just sit down and...

What do you say to them

if you were to go in there to pass the time?

Say, oh, I've just got some time to pass.

I just want to discuss them.

Yeah, I think you're going to be straight.

Or maybe, no, maybe that's weird.

Maybe you should just say, do you mind if I have a browse?

My daughter's getting.

That's good.

I just want to have a look at some prices.

And then sit down.

Yeah, then feign a little illness.

Say, do you mind if I just sit down?

and maybe get me a glass of Bovril

and just watch the comings and goings.

All that excitement.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we can, I mean, we're coming on to your dessert.

We could move the dessert into a wedding shop.

Well, wouldn't that be amazing, though, if one couple had survived?

Oh, yeah.

One couple had made it.

So I ate with them at their bridal fitting.

That'd be exciting.

I mean, before we get there, though, we've got your dream drink.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

And you mentioned Bovril just now.

Bovril.

is i love do you know the other day um i went in a hot tub yeah and had a and two and had two sausages and a glass of bovril

and

i mean isn't that something yeah

absolutely is i was i was with um paul whitehouse on our one of our fit and we rent a country you know Airbnb.

And there's a lot of them who've got hot tubs

these days.

And I really like Bovril of an Afternoon.

Yeah.

Black and white movie.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you seen the movie Barbara 2012?

It's the year of release.

No.

Not Barbara.

Not a film from the 70s called Barbara 2012.

No.

Like a futuristic erotic thriller.

It's a super.

And I don't often say super.

Yeah.

You know, I think it's overused.

It's a super film.

Yeah.

And, but very much an afternoon film.

Close the curtains and have a bob roll.

Put your slipper socks on.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

So I recommend that if anyone's not doing anything this Sunday.

You own slipper socks?

I have owned them.

Oh, I haven't got them on today.

I wear slippers all the time.

Right.

I found a slipper that had a label on it that said suitable for light outdoor use.

And it is.

So you wear slippers in place of shoes most of the time?

Yeah, if you, yeah.

It's very rare that I have shoes on, very rare, but.

And you just like how they feel comfy?

I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis and it makes with your feet, it makes it feel like you're walking on marble sort of thing.

It's not very nice.

And these shoes, actually they're called shoes.

So

yeah, when I think about it, they're called dude shoes.

I'm not advertising, I'm just saying.

Dude shoes.

D-U-D-E.

Yeah.

And they've got...

I mean, I'm a sucker for this sort of thing.

It says they've got patented soul technology.

Right.

Yeah.

When you get to my age, there's a lot of marketing is aimed at comfort.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And skin itching.

Yeah, yeah.

So I discovered this patented Australian, which is quite a quirky innit?

Spanish shoes, Italian shoes, yeah, but Australian shoes, you know.

And

I mean, they're delightful.

They are super.

The dude shoes.

The dude shoes, yeah.

It's actually called the dude farty.

And it's it combines indoor, outdoor, but with an indoor bent, you know, comfort TV watching, yeah, and then but you just go outside, so you could wear them 24/7.

You don't I do wear them 24/7, yeah.

Do you take them off for bedtime or anything?

Sorry, you're ready.

I do take them off at bedtime, yeah.

No, I sleep on them,

I crawl into them.

Are we just glossing over the fact that

Bob wears shoes that are called dude farty?

Dude farty,

they're very, really nice.

Yeah.

You know,

the younger set probably wouldn't wear them outdoors, but you'd enjoy your indoor time the better.

Yeah, we've also moved quite far away from you being in a hot tub having a glass of Bob.

Yeah, we've really got to track back over all this.

We've got to Dude Farty, which obviously I think is hilarious, but like

you were in a hot tub with Paul Whitehouse eating.

He wouldn't get in there.

He wouldn't get in.

He wouldn't get in.

On account of the sausages.

Okay, so you were already in there.

I was already in there.

Eating two sausages.

Now, are you eating them on a plate?

Are you eating them?

They were on a plate, just there was actually four sausages on the white plate on the like the rim of the tub.

Yeah, and onto my left hand,

a glass of uh bovril.

Yes, because that's all we could find was a glass.

Yeah, you know, sometimes you know, cupboards, but I couldn't.

Yeah, there were cups everywhere, but I just couldn't find them.

And um,

he came he arrived after me, and I was in the hot tub.

So, this is what he arrived to.

He arrived to it.

I said, get in, Paul, and he seemed like he was up for it.

Then he saw four sausages, and something about that turned him, and he wouldn't get in.

I did

rather pleasantly to try and entice him.

I took a sausage

and I floated in the hot tub.

Yeah.

And then I put it up my belly, then raised my belly up.

Said, come on, Paul, come on, let's have a savoury dip.

But he wasn't to be persuaded.

No, no.

They're very, very hot.

You would say, no,

you, you, you, like, alter the heat.

It'll have a control on it.

Yeah.

But this one just had on, off, as far as I could tell.

And it were hot.

And it was a very hot day.

And you were drinking hot stuff.

How do you think

the sausages were hot, still had a bit of water to'em, yeah?

You were putting hot stuff into your body while in a hot tub.

Yeah.

On a hot day.

On a hot day, yeah.

Sometimes, you know, it's didn't your parents ever say sometimes it's good to sweat it out.

Yeah.

I don't know what it was.

but um here I am now um loving life.

So Bovrilli is your dream drink for this.

No, no, thank you.

Oh, it's not.

Sorry.

No.

Because it's curry, it has to be um very cold beer.

I'm sad to say, no, not sad at all.

I'm going to be proud of it.

I really do like craft beers with American hops.

I love them.

I have them every night,

seven nights, 24, whatever.

Yeah,

and I enjoy it very much.

Any particular ones that do you like to have a range?

Do you like to try new ones, or is there one of them?

Well,

there's one that I'm addicted to, but it's made by a company that

everyone hates now.

Right.

So I don't like to say it.

Don't want to have that association.

But I did do some brewing with a brewery called Alpha Alpha State in Kent, just one young lad who's got a lean to.

I believe him to be the best brewer in the country.

I did a couple of beers with him, Retail Park, and Kiss the Alderman.

Yeah.

And

he's classy.

He was in the army.

Yeah.

and left the army.

Well, the army was, I think, was important because his first tour of duty, or is that just a game?

His first tour of duty?

Yeah, that's the thing.

His first tour of duty was like Croatia, Bosnia, or something like that.

And the first job he was given was to go and shoot all the stray dogs.

Oh, my God.

And

I can't quite tie it together, but I think that's the start of his journey to be to brewing

to brewing on his own in the countryside.

But the thing is, is

he brews his beers extraordinary.

yeah wow yeah so he's almost worth it well it sells like that yeah it's sold before he makes it yeah yeah if you get one you've done good yeah yeah that that gives an extra twist doesn't it yeah um so the ones that you brewed with him yeah retail park and kiss the alderman yeah what particular were they a particular style kiss the alderman was one of these um

dark you know like not guinness but do they have a name for them like a stout like a stout yeah i think i think you call it a stout it was vanilla, coffee, and chocolate.

And it was just a joy because I think we all think that these like craft breweries are really is the real deal.

99.9% of them out, they're using hot pellets, flavourings.

So

he sits there scraping the vanilla beans out,

making hot chocolate and stuff to put in it.

So you know you feel you're getting a real

product that some hours have been put in.

You know, a whole bucket of vanilla seeds is a lot of work.

Wow.

So to have one of his, but

it's like a scientific shame that you can't get colder.

Then there's a point, isn't there?

Yeah.

I don't know what it is, but if the coldest be, let's say it's, would it be zero degrees or something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Isn't it such a shame you can't get to

minus 20 or something?

Yeah.

Without it being frozen.

Without it, yeah, it's a shame, isn't it?

Maybe there's a little shape they could put in it, a little plastic something that stops it freezing.

Right.

A little plastic shape.

Yeah.

Well, we could do.

I mean, this is the dream restaurant.

We can get that plastic shape.

If you want that for your dream.

We can put it in and we can bring you minus 20 beer.

Minus 20 a citrusy IPA.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Wow.

Imagine the hit you get from, you know, you were talking about those like life-changing texts.

Imagine if you didn't know it, but I'd just given you like a minus 20 degree to have with your curry.

Wow.

Wow.

That'd hit you.

Yeah.

That would hit you, yeah.

That would remind you to enjoy yourself, wouldn't it?

Yeah, absolutely.

So I'm kind of interested in knocking up that boost by baguette.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can tell.

So you're still, it's been

since we mentioned it.

I can tell it's been knocking around in your head and you've been thinking about it.

Yeah.

Because that gooey stuff in the boost would melt.

Yeah.

It would be interesting to see.

It'd be like a bit of a like extravagant or also dirty panachakala to be honest yeah yeah so would you would you put it in a hot the baguette would be hot yeah so what would normally happen the rollover hot dog stand you got warm baguettes the spike is very hot so when you put it into the spike that warms that inside of it

yeah so if you put the boost in the inside i think it would melt a bit but it wouldn't melt completely and obviously the biscuit's not going to melt so the biscuit might melt which is a good thing yeah

you know the boost would still maintain like, it would still, it wouldn't, like, completely go, you know.

I think its power would only increase.

I think its power would only increase, actually.

You know, honestly, the slightly melty gunge,

the chocolate melting, maybe 10 seconds in the microwave.

Maybe, or in like a panini toaster.

Maybe.

Would you be against that?

I wouldn't be against that.

I would not be against that.

I'm worried about what it would do to the shape, but...

Well, because you sort of, you do need the shape, because one of the joys of this boost baguette is it is flush.

We've talked about that.

And if if you melt the boost completely, that really loses the effect of the flushness.

Maybe there's a stopper that you put in.

My pudding, would you like to know?

Yes, we're in the wedding shop.

Wedding shop.

She's just come in with a mum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And maybe an aunt.

Yeah.

I think they're usually a bit of a gaggle, isn't there?

Yeah.

It's an interesting day.

Amazing, like it's basically neck curtains, innit?

Isn't it?

A lot of them?

The dresses, yeah.

But I should imagine, I have no idea, but you take your first look at a price, and it's probably like 900 quid or something, 1700 quid.

Yeah, so that's interesting.

See, there's a reaction, so you want to be there for the first reaction of the price, you definitely would be interested because there's a lot going on between mother and daughter there, isn't there?

The pressure for it to be such a happy moment, yeah, yeah.

And then they're like, who's that man in the corner?

Yeah,

he's sitting down

watching it watching

he's just a bit ill he's got the runs

as he steadily pushes the boost bar into a baguette into a hollowed out baguette look looking over at them

so i'm going to choose um syrup sponge pudding with custard i've always loved it lovely does everyone choose that no no it's the first time we've had it um on on the podcast but it is it is delicious and uh as you said it, I thought, yeah, sounds like Bob would like a civet sponge pudding.

I just love that, yeah.

But that would be my favourite course, I think.

Yeah, good onion.

It's all building up to this.

It's all building up to that, yeah.

Like in the old days,

there was like the syrup suet pudding.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's delicious, but I'll go syrup sponge because my wife makes, I'm going to use that word superb one again.

I'm so surprised that I thought that was the UK's go-to pudding.

Well, we have, we, I guess it's like a variation on a sticky toffee, right?

We've had sticky toffee before, it's a similar sort of thing.

Yeah, steamed?

Is it would it be steamed or is that the suet one that's that's the suet one that's right, okay.

Yeah, I think I'll just take sponge.

Lovely sponge, yeah.

Yeah, and that does surprise me.

I think that uh you know, there's a bowl of ice cream.

I'm just thinking that all these pudding, you know, like uh creme brulee, yeah, and they're there over there, it's a steaming syrup sponge pudding.

It doesn't seem like any competition to me.

No, yeah,

that's what's the best one.

When Ed said sticky toppy pudding there, you kind of did a face was like, it's not the same, no.

You weren't happy with that.

No, it's not a plain sponge, is it?

It's always quite a dark sponge.

Yes, always quite like raisins in it.

Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

You just want it's a plain sponge with the syrup on it.

Yeah.

And then hot custard.

Do you know what?

I don't mind if the syrup's if the custard's a bit cold.

Yeah.

It's that can be quite interesting.

Minus 20.

Can you freeze custard?

That could be interesting.

I'm sure you can freeze custard.

Yeah.

A cube of frozen custard on top in the.

No, pop it in your mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Get on the train and just think.

And you know, like,

no one would know you were there.

Yeah.

No one would even know.

And it would just develop across the train journey.

Just turn into custard, yeah, as you as you pass seven oaks.

And then,

just to surprise someone, the person sitting opposite you, you just open your mouth and let the custard fall out.

There wouldn't be expected that there would not be exactly custard yeah if you could if you could properly do experiments so you put the cube of custard in your mouth when you get on the train yes and you know that by the time you arrive at your stop you swallow as the doors open and you've just swallowed a full mouthful of custard yeah yeah perfect could be perfect maybe with a slice of apple that softens on your journey to savenoke yeah the whole thing could like yeah yeah basically you don't want to fill your mouth with stuff on the train i guess i guess that's more people would know then wouldn't if if you had a full mouth of stuff

I suppose all I'm saying really is is really is have a spoon of baby food

yeah and then let it drip out of your mouth when you get to London Bridge

is the syrup golden syrup I think it is isn't it yeah my wife uses golden syrup yeah what's what's the story about the on the on the tin of golden syrup the lion the lion what what what what's the story behind the lion i wish i knew it's tate and lyle tate and lyle right?

Yeah.

Is there a story?

There's the drawing of the lion.

And I think it's like...

There's like a story.

It might be like, you know, the lion having like a thorn in its paw.

I think you're right, there is a story.

And someone takes the...

From the fable.

Yeah, there's something like that.

I think you're right, yeah.

I think it's representing one of those stories.

Benito's nodding his head.

Is it that, Benito?

It's the lion and the bee story.

I don't know that story.

George, please tell us the lion and the bee story.

Well, from what I know, which is only the title, I'm imagining that the bee stings the lion.

Yeah, yeah.

It leaves its stinger in the lion's paw.

The lion then looks for help, and then a man finds the lion and removes the stinger from the paw to help the lion.

And then the two of them agree to get revenge on the bees.

Right.

And then they find where the beehive is and they kill all of the bees and they steal the honey from the beehive and make syrup out of it and that's how we get Lal's golden syrup.

I think that works.

The only thing I was thinking is maybe they don't kill the bees because they find the syrup.

Right.

Do you know what?

Just to make it a bit nicer.

Yeah.

So it's not like a massacre at the end.

Because it took a nasty turn.

Yeah, yeah, it took a nasty thing.

Why does the man have to be there?

Someone's got to help the lion get the bee thing out of its paw.

Did you not like that?

It just seems a shame to introduce a man to the fables because quite often

it's just the animals.

Because the animals.

So maybe something else with a posable thumbs, thumbs just like a a a monkey yeah monkey the ape from your have you seen those very sad um wildlife films where they put a bit of uh sugar or honey in the hole in the tree to catch monkeys no because the the the monkey goes they're really sad the monkey goes in yeah like that and grabs the i think it's honey or there's something they put in there something that entices the monkey and they grab it and then they can't get their hand out and they don't let go oh

it's really awful.

Who's they?

Who does that to the monkey?

Locals.

That's who it is, the locals.

Bob, I'm going to read back your menu to you, see how you feel about it.

Water, you want a bottle of still water.

Poplums of bread, you want the crusts, the lukewarm crusts.

Thank you.

With some olive oil.

Starter, Odeon Cinema Hot Dog.

Ketchup and Mustard.

Swelled by your own finger.

Main course, a perfect vindaloo with popadons and chips.

Side dish, turbot, shallow fried.

Yeah.

Drink, minus 20-degree citrus IPA.

Thank you.

Dessert, civet sponge pudding.

with custard.

Made by your wife.

Made by my wife, thank you.

And you know what?

I think at the end, just, you know, if you want to walk home and have the boost baguette, you'd allow that.

I'd allow that.

Thank you.

And maybe a cube of frozen custard in your cubes.

Yeah.

Cube of phone custom artists for the train home.

Thank you very much, yeah.

The hot tub's already fired up.

Yeah.

The sausages are sizzling.

The bobrel's brewing.

It's a very neglect to drink the bobril.

Have you ever made the error of trying to make a beefy drink from marmite?

No.

That's a horror.

I love marmite.

Well, you had to, we're big Taskmaster fans, Ed and and i you had to make your own marmite didn't you your taskmaster yeah had a go had a goal you did all right didn't you win that one um i i don't know

i think you did quite well she started with something like bobrill i think i did yeah i think you did i'm i'm i'm i'm a hardcore fan of it my fiancé uh works in television she used to be a runner she started out being a runner She always loved it if she worked on a show that you were on, Bob, because you'd drive yourself there and then drive yourself home.

Yeah, always.

And then at the end, you'd just be like, thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

And hop in your car and go.

No bother whatsoever.

I hope I'm no bother.

No, you absolutely aren't.

No, I like car journeys on your own.

Yeah.

With your car meets and your car snacks.

Yeah, your car meets.

Put the radio on.

I was about to wrap up, and then you've mentioned car meats.

The number one car meet is the Scotch Egg.

No, I mean, it is.

Yeah.

It's circular, it's manageable,

slips out of the packet easy.

I I stopped the other day on the long journey to get me cow meat.

And Marks and Spencer's have now...

There's a bit of this going on across food for me, for an old-timer, is the Scotch egg, they've made it into some sort of chilly, spicy

coating.

Do you know a lot of foods are getting this, and I just want to...

You tried to jazz it all up a bit.

Yeah, which is disappointing.

Pepperami, poppy.

I'm with you on the scotch egg as well.

Similar to the fish fingers.

The posher they get, the less I like them.

For sure.

Scotch egg, again, I want it orange.

I do like a posh scotch egg, maybe in a gastro pub or somewhere like that, where it comes hot, and it's runny in the middle.

Oh, yeah.

I do like that.

But that's obviously, you don't want that in the car.

That would be a nightmare if you've got a hot, runny egg.

I wouldn't like that.

No.

The wife bought me two Scotch eggs the other week.

Have you come across these?

And they're cold, you know,

but the egg's runny in the middle.

I've not had a cold one with runny eggs.

Yeah, they've somehow got the technology to create that now.

I hated it.

I got shocked.

If you're not expecting, do you know the

one of the when I was

young, someone at school put a scoop of potato in my pudding that was covered, a scoop of mashed potato that was covered by custard.

And I ate that

and I instantly spewed my guts up.

But

I think it's to do with the expectation, you know, like what the.

Yeah.

But you were...

What?

You were sick immediately.

Immediately sick no i promise you

immediately it's like my body my body or my mind or whatever yeah no get get that get that out get that out quickly

and the pork pie obviously yeah i mean i'm big i'm a big fan of the ginsters um

standard corners cornish pasty yeah um not strictly car meat but it was car

well there's a meat content

well these are all meat content things so that yeah you know there's

uh they're not all like because when when you say car meat, I was imagining you with a pack of ham or sliced beef.

Yeah.

Just putting your hand.

No, you can, ham's very good as pocket meat.

Yeah.

If you, if you've got the pockets I've got, you know, the slender package.

Yeah.

You can just open the top bit, slide your hand in,

pull out the slice, move on with your life.

Yeah, pocket meets, car meets.

They're important stuff.

You know, you go to the Arsenal football ground, you open your hot dog, and it just spills out the salty brine.

And you say, Don't worry, son, wipe your tears away.

Look in dad's pocket.

And there it is.

Choice of pork pie,

pepperami, or a ham slice.

Cold chicken, quarter is nice in a car.

A quarter chicken.

Yeah, it's nice in the car.

On the bone.

On the bone, yeah.

So would you just be holding it eating it like Henry VIII?

Henry VIII is going up the A1.

And again, it's just quite a nice smug feeling walking down, let's say, Tule Street.

Yeah.

Just passing strangers, avoiding eye contact, but with a little smile on your face because you know you've got meat in your pocket.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for having me, Dream.

I think Paul.

I'd enjoy that meal very much.

I think I did okay.

Well, there we are, James.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

I mean, some yummy, yummy, yumma.

Sure.

Some not so yummy, yummy, yumma.

Well, luckily, the things that he described that sounded really gross didn't end up on the menu.

Yeah, that's true.

The menu itself, I think, very nice.

I would eat that whole menu.

It's fine.

Shout out for the Odeon hot dog.

Shout out to the Odeon hot dog.

I've never had it myself.

Maybe I will next time.

I do want hot dogs now.

Very rarely I do a hot dog evening at home.

I think that might be the first hot dog we've had on the podcast.

I think it might be.

Quite exciting.

As a a kid, I think hot dog seems like one of the main foods.

Yeah.

As you grow up, less and less so.

I love the caramelized onions in the.

It's not the sort of hot dog that Bob was talking about necessarily, but I do.

It reminds me of fireworks night.

Yep.

Ah, caramelized onions on the hot dog.

Definitely as a kid, no way.

Didn't want it at all.

Yeah.

As an adult, yes, please.

All about it.

As much as possible.

Yeah, yeah.

Delicious.

Yeah.

Love it.

Well, thank you, Bob, for coming in to the Dream Restaurants.

Thank you, Bob.

Bob's book and away is out on the 16th of September.

Go and get it.

Go and get it.

Read every page.

Read every word.

Yes, yes, please.

I'm on tour.

Show's called Electric.

Starts in Feb22.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

Anything you want to plug, James?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to plug

Electric, Ed Gamble.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Coming out soon.

I should probably also say that I mentioned some tongue that I was sent, and that was from fine food specialists who do a range of all of that sort of stuff.

They sent me a tongue

and they've got loads of other amazing stuff.

I had a little perv on their website, and they've got some pretty incredible stuff on there.

Also, a little message to Bob Mortimer if he's listening to this episode.

You've left a tenor

in the room.

This is one of the first ones we've done in person in some time.

And Bob came in and he's gone home now,

but he left £10

on the floor.

It fell out of his pocket, I guess.

Yes.

So, Bob, if you want to collect this from the Great Benito's offices, please come down.

I'd imagine though, Bob, it's

probably not necessarily worth your while to travel here to pick up the tenor again.

It'll probably cost you more in travel to get here.

But then, you know, when he travels here, you know what you can do?

Pop a cube in his mouth.

Pop a cube.

Pop a custard cube.

I think there's going to be lots of experiments for no context off menu to do.

Yeah, loads of experiments.

I mean, sometimes the no context person actually does these things for real that people conjure up with their minds.

So putting a boost in a baguette i'd love to see it yeah um i'd love to see the custard cube yeah yeah like there's there's a few things there um i imagine he's gonna be taking a photo of some ham in his pocket yeah

i imagine that's gonna happen

as well also

very luckily bob didn't say fisherman's friends thank you for not saying fisherman's friends bob really appreciate that um because otherwise we wouldn't have got to hear about the the the car meet at the end yeah couldn't have got to the end car meat i really want a scotch egg i really want some fish fingers I want a fish finger sandwich so bad.

I'm going to try it.

I'm going to literally, as soon as we finish this, I'm going to Google fish finger sandwiches near me.

I don't think that's ever been Googled before.

Yeah.

I think that's a first.

That's a Google whack.

Yeah, it's a Google whack.

Thank you, Dave Gorman.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

As always, we will see you next week.

Keep munching.

Stop crunching.

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favourite and when were you lost unfaithful.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of off-menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims.

And he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.