Ep 115: Isy Suttie (Live at Royal Festival Hall)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

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Hello and welcome to a bonus off-menu podcast, James.

Very exciting.

I'm very excited, Ed.

We did two live off-menus, the very first that we've ever done at the Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre.

And thank you to everybody who showed up.

We had such a brilliant time.

I'm very excited to be able to present them in podcast form.

In podcast form, what a couple of nights they were.

I genuinely, oh, I had such a nice time, James.

Such a nice time.

You look like such a happy boy on stage.

It was nice to see you look so happy.

So much participation from the audience.

Yeah.

Shout outs that weren't too much.

It was actually quite welcome.

I asked you.

It was well balanced, I thought.

I mean, I'm sure you'll hear some of those in the slightly edited-down version of the shows.

Obviously, we did a few things at the beginning, which won't make sense in a podcast form.

They were very much for the live audience only, but you will be hearing most of what happened that night.

It was a lot of fun.

This first one that we are going to present to you in a bonus episode format, I think we should change the name of the bonus episodes as a new strand called The Great Bonito Presents.

I don't know.

Yeah, you've got The Great Bonito Presents.

Yes.

Off-menu live featuring Izzy Sooty.

Featuring Izzy Sutty,

wonderful comedian, actor, writer.

She does all of that stuff.

She's just written a book, James.

Yes, she's just brought out a book called Jane is Trying.

Should all go and buy that now.

Lap it up.

And I'll tell you what, once you've listened to this wonderful live episode, you'll definitely be going out and buying it because what a wonderful guest.

She was an awesome, awesome guest.

She's also got a podcast called The Things We Do for Love.

That's well worth checking out as well.

All of the stuff like secret ingredient, proper intros, that all happened live.

So you're going to hear that right now.

So for now, all I can say is enjoy the off-menu menu of Izzy Sutty

live.

Live.

That's a bit much, actually.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to Off Menu Live.

Oh, you want me to do a proper literally?

As we were standing back there, James went, Have you written your food-based intro to tonight?

I went, Oh, I genuinely haven't.

Not thought about it.

So, welcome to Off Menu Live.

Taking the muffin of conversation,

peppering it with the blueberries of chat,

and putting it in one of those little paper things

cases that represent humour.

How does that

not your best, not your worst?

I like it.

Do you like it?

I like them every time you do those little intros.

And I definitely like, I like that tonight.

You got to see Ed having to figure it out in real time because normally when we do each episode, it's completely forgotten.

He has to do that intro, and he gets told and goes, Oh, fuck, and then starts having to think of it on the spot.

So it's really nice that you all got to see it tonight.

That's what tonight's about, right?

Yeah, putting me under pressure and watching me fucking flounder.

Yeah,

that's what it's all about.

What a welcome.

Someone actually threw the devil horns over there when we walked on.

Don't find the devil horns.

See, some people are here from Ed's fan base.

And the other people who were very quiet when we came on, that's my lot.

Yeah.

The people reading books and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

That's your lot.

The dweebs.

Yeah.

The dweebs are in.

Thank you, dweebs.

Immediately out of yourself as not being dweebs.

No dweeb would ever make that noise.

All we would hear would be, huh?

That's all we...

Little dweeby noise.

Hey,

listen, we're going to tell you what the format of tonight is anyway, but give me a cheer if you're already familiar with what the format of the night is gonna be.

Ah, that's fine.

Can I I mean, and let's but let's look beat around the bush.

The format is slight, isn't it?

The format is very light, and the fact that you're all here for what we do is fucking insane, quite frankly.

Yeah, if you asked any of uh w when when last year, uh before the pandemic, uh we went to America to record some episodes and when we told all of our guests there what our podcast was, they didn't look at us like it was a good idea no or like we were smart for going to America to record some of them but you know it's very it's simple we have a dream restaurant and every single week we bring a guest in and we ask for their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and

oh you should have practiced that as well huh

that's a good I mean I didn't realize you don't realize until you say it in front of a room full of people how much it's actually a bit of a catchphrase, actually.

Yeah.

We've ended up with a few catchphrases because of this.

I never thought I'd be a catchphrase comic, but

this is where we are now.

Shall we say who the guest is now?

Today we're welcoming to the Dream Vestrant, It is Certain!

Not yet, though!

Oh, before we do that, though, actually, before we do that,

every single episode of Off Menu, we always have a secret ingredient.

Oh, yeah, good point.

And if the guest says it, we kick them out of the dream restaurant.

Now, our guest currently can't hear what's going on.

We've made sure that she's got headphones on playing music.

So, we're going to let you guys decide what the secret ingredient is for the

genuine excitement, you sad fuckers.

Look who's finally shown up for the fucking.

Oh, now you're excited.

No, let's see.

What would you guys do?

Do you know what?

I didn't think it through.

No.

I hold my hands up there, that's my fault.

I think we're going to have to do a polite show of hands and then we're going to go bat, bab, bab.

There was always a show.

There, you're like, well, that's not fair.

Bleasedale is here, though, isn't he?

Huh?

Bleesdale!

Bleasdale!

Bleasedale!

Blaisdale!

Blazedale!

Blaisdale!

Blaisdale!

Sit down, Bleasedale.

Come on, mate.

Blaisdale in the flesh.

A lovely moment there where Bleasedale stood up and then was waving and everyone's going mad and he just took his mask off as this say it is me.

It is

pretty sure this makes me part of the show now.

Mask off.

Blaisdale!

Bleasdale's here.

Bleasdale,

if you've got an idea for a secret ingredient that we can do tonight, Bleasdale, I think that would be a very special moment.

Again, for those of you who don't know,

there has been some episodes of the podcast where we have had suggestions from the public as to what the secret ingredient should be.

Bleasdale suggested one once, and I really enjoyed shouting his name repeatedly.

And since then, everyone who's recommended something for the podcast, Food Wines, Secret Congress Wines, has been called Bleasdale.

Any ideas, Bleasdale?

Patron Peppers?

Patron Peppers, go fuck yourself, Bleasedle.

They're delicious.

They're nice.

What the fuck?

Bleasedale.

How the mighty have fallen.

Bleasdale, what the fuck has happened?

You knew you were coming here tonight.

You must have known this was an option.

This was going to happen at some point.

You chose Patron Peppers?

Why don't you like them?

Too slimy.

Too slimy.

How the fuck are you cooking them?

It shouldn't be slimy.

It shouldn't be slimy, man.

Maybe I've only had bad ones, but maybe you've only had bad paddies.

Where have you had your paddy pets?

Where have you been to get'em?

Amazingly, in Spain.

In Spain?

Wow.

Bleased down's a racist.

Hates the local cuisine of wherever he goes on holiday.

This absolutely can't believe this has happened.

Bleased out.

This is ugly.

It's turned ugly fast.

To think I shouted your name upwards of a million times.

No, I don't want to, please don't.

I'm just

yanking your chain.

No, we're not doing Padron Peppers, though, surely.

We can't do Padad Papers.

We can't do Padron Peppers.

Any other suggestions?

Did someone just say chips?

What's the matter?

This lady's got a hand up, James.

Yeah, yeah.

Sultanas.

Sultanas, in what context?

In what con we need

all contexts?

Wow, not quite popular.

Interesting.

Interesting.

The thing is, I can imagine Izzy saying Sultanas, can't you?

Yeah.

Also, what we've got to bear in mind here is that we really want you to get your money's worth tonight.

Starter.

Just to bother Sultanas.

Everyone home.

See you later.

She did it.

Okay, so Sultanas is in the mix anyway.

We could pronounce it.

Yeah, yeah, anyone from over here?

Celery.

I think we might have had celery.

Celery.

I hope you haven't had celery.

I love it.

Huh?

Capers?

Right.

You and Bleasedale.

I love Capers.

Yeah, some Capers fans on the front.

Go for it.

This is like a terrible council meeting.

Made such a mistake.

Opening the the floor to stuff people yeah

huh

tinned tinned fruit from the most Scottish man I've ever encountered yeah

tinned fruits I was there like what's tanned fruit

tinned fruit I think tanned frut's quite a good idea I think tanned fruit yeah

I'm happy to go with tanned what's your name

Gary

oh no Bleasdale

poor Bleasedale.

Bleasedale, how the mighty have fallen better than me.

Come

on, I remembered your name, actually.

We asked you for a secret ingredient, and you said all foreign food.

Do you remember that when you.

Yeah.

Bleasedale, what are you choosing?

Foreign muck.

What the fuck?

Slimy,

slimy Spanish people.

That's what you said.

That's the horrible food.

I hate it so slime.

But we're going to go with tanned frut.

Is there a specific frut that you're thinking of?

Any particular frut you're thinking of?

Yeah, the white, yellow and red shades, like a glacier cherry knocking around in the...

Oh, like mixed frut?

When you don't even get the cherry in it, when it's just the white and the orange ones.

So if Izzy says she wants tanned frut but she would like it with a check, the glacier cherry in.

Are we keeping her in the restaurant?

We're not,

she's getting out for that as well.

So just any tanned frut, she's out.

What?

She says, tanned patches.

Is she out then?

That's okay.

So only the one that's like the mixed

fruit cocktail kind of rubbish, yeah.

Right.

Now it's time for the off-menu menu of Izzy Suzy.

Right,

yes.

Now, we can't get into it straight away because obviously, I mean, if I have to explain that James is a genie, you shouldn't be here.

Yeah.

James is a sister.

I hope people know that.

James, you have to go off the stage and make your genie entrance.

But he excited now.

I just heard someone go,

I don't know what you're expecting, but severely lower your expectations.

That is James's lamp from home.

So everyone,

Izzy, you ready for the genie to appear?

I'm so excited.

Right.

Everyone look at the lamp and sort of rub it with your eyes in an imaginary way.

Really?

Oh, something's happening.

With the, I mean, it's taking a long time, so

you're not rubbing it with your eyes hard enough in an imaginary way.

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Genie!

Welcome, Missy City to the Dream Master.

I've been expecting you for some time.

I run into the wall.

You ran into the wall.

I ran to the wall hard

with my hand.

In that moment, I saw your future in Panto and I loved it.

Yeah.

Hello, Izzy.

Hello, mate.

How are you?

Very well.

Thank you for coming on the podcast.

It's a great pleasure.

It's very exciting to have you here.

Did you enjoy James's entrance?

Yes.

Very much so.

Thank you.

Did you rehearse it?

Yep, rehearsed it.

And in the rehearsal, I just came out in the bit where

I had the best visibility.

And just a split second there, I thought, well, it's obviously better if I emerge from the thick bit of the smoke.

So I went for the densest bit, couldn't see and smashed my hand.

Yeah.

You went for the densest bit being a solid wall.

Yes.

Yes.

A wall that I could see seconds before, and if I'd memorized that,

but I couldn't, because I was thinking, I really hope this looks like I'm coming out of the lamp.

Did the little girls coming out of the lamp?

Yes.

Thank you, Izzy.

Izzy, are you a foodie?

Yeah.

Izzy's got to get off in about 10 minutes, so we're going to

rattle through this Ackroid style.

Now, I consider consider foodie to be someone who loves food,

but I know people who describe themselves as foodies who like love making food as well, and I don't really like that.

Wow.

Do you it?

I mean, you must cook.

You cook a bit, right?

But you don't enjoy it.

I'm not very confident at it, especially cooking meat.

I always think it's going to be raw.

And you know, it says like stick something in it till the juices run clear.

I don't really understand what that means.

It sounds like proper light, like something you do in a battle, you know?

Yes, it does.

Sticks something in you until the juices run clear.

Hang on, I don't know what's happening here now.

Because

James said that, that sounds like something you do in a battle.

And obviously, my first thought was, what the fuck are you talking about?

And then you immediately backed him up on it, Izzy.

Well, I did, but actually, I'm thinking about it.

If you, in a battle, if you stuck something in someone until the juices ran clear, what would be coming out that was clear?

All the blood's come out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it's just the water.

Yeah.

Well, I don't want to get too heavy too soon.

Isn't there something in the Bible about when Jesus was crucified, they stabbed him under his ribs like that, and

it came out clear.

Did it?

Any chrisos in?

Can we...

Yeah.

Get out, you chrisos.

You know, you using that word has completely fucked any interaction I have with anyone who's Christian because I only use chrisos now.

And I use it in a serious context.

So I'm like, oh, you, you're a chryso, are you?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Apologies.

So, what?

They stabbed Jesus and this clear water came out.

Right?

Yeah, they stabbed him and then

the water comes out, and that's how they know he's dead.

And the water comes out, and that's how they know he's dead or cooked.

Yeah, it looks safe, carve him up.

He's ready.

So that's what you do at home?

Yeah,

I got given by a foodie, my brother-in-law, who's been on MasterChef,

thank you,

Uncle Imran.

I don't call him that.

What a relationship you have with this man.

For some reason, it would be really weird if I called my brother-in-law Uncle Imran.

But Imran is his name.

It'd be even weirder if it wasn't.

But he's a real foodie.

You can't get on MasterChef without being a foodie.

And he gave me one of those prongs that you stick in to see if the juices are running clear.

And I washed it and then left it on the draining board and it got covered in soapy water.

And now it doesn't work anymore.

So I feel like I need to learn to use my common sense.

But I'm really like, also, our oven's broken,

the dial, all the things are rubbed off so you just have to guess like and that's really bad for someone who's a bit paranoid about when things are cooked why all the things rubbed off what are you doing with that oven

not a rhetorical question

I don't know what you and Uncle Imran are getting up to in the kitchen

the kids have rubbed them off I think and it was an old oven anyway kids rubbed them off?

Yeah.

So, noise.

They've got nothing to gain from that.

They don't use the oven.

They're just rubbing the numbers off.

That's

psychistic.

It's magnetic, and they put magnets all over it.

And I think it's scraped off the already fading numbers.

I love the idea of you just being like, all right, kids, mummy needs a bit of quiet time, go and play with the oven.

Don't get in it, that's the main rule.

But rub that bit off as much as you want.

I know that 200 is, you know, at six o'clock.

Yeah.

So I do everything from that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like my mum was a taxi driver for a short time and she only knew the way to anywhere from Golders Green because that was where she lived.

This is a very long time ago, before sat nods.

So she, no matter where anyone was coming from or going to, she used to have to take them via Golders Green.

And

they'd be like, Where the fuck are we going?

And I'm the same about knowing that 200 is six o'clock.

I sort of go there first.

Then, if it's supposed to be 170, I ease it back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Straight to 200 every time.

Yeah, absolutely.

One way or the other.

Yeah.

And you broke the pronger because you've got soapy water on it.

Ellis, my partner, said it was broken, and I believed him.

So it's in the drawer.

But I'm going to look tonight.

It might actually not be.

It might be being gaslighted.

Is it a gas oven?

It is a gas oven.

Here we go.

He's gaslit you straight to 200.

Imagine that's what anyone who gaslights people did, like before they do some gaslighting, you just hear them murmur, set to 200.

You must have imagined that.

I never did anything.

I'm on fire tonight.

At the beginning of lockdown, he said he'd do all the childcare and the early mornings in exchange for me doing all the cooking and the cleaning.

And I agreed to that because someone absolutely live it there, by the way.

One person.

And actually, it wasn't all the childcare, it was just the early mornings with the baby who was waking up at four.

And I hate mornings.

He was like, I'll get up at four if you do all the cooking and the cleaning.

So I was like, okay, so I started to try and be more adventurous with what I cooked.

Because he was having to get up at four, I tried to match the effort that he was putting in.

And I did cook different stuff and I did gain confidence.

Okay.

Yeah.

Any successes?

Any headliners?

I poached.

So, this is from the Sainsbury's magazine.

This is a raving step for me because previously all I cooked was either Izzy salmon or

Patty Volada's.

Yeah.

Let's rewind it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Izzy salmon.

Okay, so Izzy Salmon.

So Easter salmon or Izzy, Izzy Salmon.

Izzy salmon, but Easter salmon's salmon's better.

Which I presume.

Easter salmon, I thought we're back on Jesus again, fair enough.

But Izzy salmon.

Named after yourself?

Named after myself.

Okay, so.

Previously, Claire Ward salmon.

So you've nicked it off Claire Ward?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's Claire Ward?

She is an actress in stand-up.

She told me the recipe for Clare Ward salmon about 15 years ago.

And I have changed it enough to be able to now call it Izzy Salmon.

Sooty salmon is a way better name than it is.

Sootty salmon.

Yeah, it's got to be sootty salmon.

It's got to be sootty salmon.

Yeah.

Although, no, that sounds awful, actually.

Well, like it's been marinated in soot.

Yeah, that's probably a thing.

I mean, you can have charcoal, can't you, in stuff?

I bet people would cover, like put salmon in a pit and cover it with soot,

then not light the fire and then dig it up and it's exactly the same again.

Probably.

What I loved about that story was the gathering of all the animals above it who'd sensed that there was something.

I loved that.

It was like Pet Cemetery.

Yeah.

That is exactly the kind of thing.

That thing that Joe Thomas did with the lamb is exactly the kind of thing that I would do.

And while I was listening to it, I remembered that when I was about eight, me and Helena Coates

made Helena Coates sausages,

which.

What in the world is this?

Basically, we wanted to make a fire, and she had a big house, a big garden.

We gathered all the toilet rolls in the house.

She had like four toilets.

So there was like 50 toilet rolls, and we put them all in a pile in the middle of the lawn and set them alight.

And then we just put sausages on top of the toilet rolls.

Because in our heads, we were like, fire cooks meat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No one's going to argue with you there.

Yeah.

Did they taste nice?

They didn't cook.

They didn't cook.

They were like, they went black, like burnt, and then they were raw on the other side.

Of course, yeah.

You also didn't know how to turn them over because we'd thrown them

onto the pile of toilet rolls.

And her mum was Italian, and she'd already got annoyed with us that week because we'd convinced ourselves that Helena's sister was a ghost.

And we'd made a mixture of like bleach, shampoo, everything we could find in the bathroom, and poured it onto Debbie's bed because that was the thing you had to do to get rid of the ghost.

So Tamara was already really annoyed about that.

And then I don't know why everything took place in the toilet, but anyway, we got all the toilet rolls in Burkina, so she went absolutely ballistic.

So is that like your top recipe?

I was just thinking, I think you probably could, if you unrolled the roll a bit and then set fire to it and put the sausages on, you could sort of, if you unrolled it more and teased it over, you could probably roll the sausages over.

It's probably worth a go.

Yes.

It's a way of doing it.

I would.

Like a conveyor belt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a little sausage toilet roll conveyor belt.

But if the toilet that toilet roll wouldn't be able to be a light, would it?

It would just have to be hot.

Yeah, how do you make a toilet roll hot without setting it alight?

So have the majority of the toilet rolls burning and then have some sort of grill on top of them?

Yeah.

Hmm.

I think we're just arriving at the idea for a barbecue, aren't we?

we?

It's my idea for it.

You get all the toilet rolls.

I noticed you glaze over when me and Izzy were talking there.

I know you so well now, I can see when James has just gone into his own head and he's just listening to the music in his own head going,

yes?

Yeah.

Get all the toilet rolls and don't like unfold them, have it all as they are, and get the sausages, and then you put the sausages in the cardboard tube.

Yes.

And then you set fire to the toilet roll itself and then it would take longer to get to the sausage and in the meantime it would cook it.

I think that'd work.

Yes.

Good.

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah.

James A.

Castle sausages.

What was sitty salmon though?

We need to know what's safe.

Oh, yes, so previously Clare Ward salmon.

Previously known as Izzy Salmon, previously known as Clare Ward salmon.

So you make a mixture of soy sauce

and like

chili, garlic,

spring onions.

I love the fact that this is funny.

It's because I'm saying it as if it's really gourmet.

I used to have to wait.

Five spring onions.

So then you marinate the salmon in there

and it kind of soaks up all the juices.

And then you bake it in the oven and you get

so with Claire Ward salmon, you chopped up loads of veg

and made a stir-fry

and with noodles.

But with Izzy salmon, you buy a pre-packed

stir-fry from Sainsbury's, yeah, and it's a taste-the-difference one, and it's got

and people can taste the difference between that and Claire Ward's salmon, yeah, sounds fucking shit

up a package.

Izzy salmon or city salmon is soy sauce marinated salmon with stir-fried vegetables.

Yeah.

I feel like the continent of Asia might want to have a word with you in terms of.

But the other difference is that I don't marinate the salmon.

Plain salmon.

I just do the stir-fry from Sainsbury's, sling on some soy sauce, bake the salmon in the oven with nothing on it, and then just put it all on a plate.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Bam to that.

People love it.

I've always said the best way to sort of really pimp up a dish is to remove seasonings.

That's the best way of doing it.

It's the least important element.

It is, yeah, the taste.

I hate it.

Have you ever burnt anything on a barbecue that isn't food?

I have.

That's the most obvious way I've ever seen a comedian ask a question and then go into their own anecdote.

Normally it's slightly more subtle than that.

Normally they ask and then they sit there and you can see them going, when's my turn?

But that's brilliant just to go, Have you ever done this?

I have

it's like the worst thing to do on a date, isn't it?

Would you burn?

So, when I split up with my ex, um, I had a box of stuff from our relationship.

And you know, it's really hard

to and your ex was Claire Ward, right?

Let's be clear, it's not Claire Ward.

Burnt everything apart from the cookbook she gave you.

No, um,

it it was a man

who's

very nice.

It didn't work out.

And he'd given me...

So because he didn't work out, you broke up with him.

Yeah.

Very body-shaming of you.

Didn't work out.

It was very nice,

but I did build a bonfire and put all of his belongings in it.

So it was a very, it was a...

It was a mutual breakup, and I wish him well.

So A, it wasn't a bonfire, it was a pre-existing, expensive barbecue.

And B, it wasn't immediate.

So, we'd split up for like eight or nine months.

I'd said it's too painful to

be healthier if it was just a split, fucking ate you,

eight or nine months of stewing, and then like, I'm gonna put it on a barbecue.

Sorry, though, carry on.

So, the reason it was eight or nine months later was because when we first split up, it was too painful to burn everything on the barbecue.

It was too painful to get rid of everything.

And I didn't want to look at it, but I didn't want to throw it away because I was like, I need to wait till I've properly got over this.

So, my friend said, Put it in a shoe box in the top of the wardrobe, right?

Yeah.

So, I did that.

And then, about eight or nine months later, she was like, I think you're ready to let go of this relationship, but you need to get rid of the stuff.

And I was like, It feels too weird to give it away because it holds so much,

you know, emotion.

Yeah, and putting it in the bin is mad.

Be insane to just put it in the wheelie bin.

You don't want to be one of those crazy bin ladies.

Exactly.

So, yeah,

she just said, burn it on the barbecue and it'll be like symbolic as well because it'll be like you're letting go.

So I lived at that point in Camberwell in a flat chair, and my housemate had a really nice, expensive barbecue on the balcony.

And we laid all the stuff in a big pile on top of the barbecue, and it was like a teddy bear.

It's too weird to give this stuff away.

Light of fluid all over a teddy bear.

eight or nine months later.

Is the teddy bear going on first, the sort of kindling?

So the teddy bear went on first.

That was like a piece of paper that

we'd played a game of hangman on at the airport that I'd kept.

Right.

Weirder that you kept that than you burnt it, I'd say.

Poor guy

thrashed him.

Keep that, always remember.

Handed him his own ass at Hangman.

Oh, look at that.

That man doesn't look like he's doing okay, does it?

I guess someone doesn't know the word onomatopoeia.

Fuck you.

Keep this in my pocket until we break up and then I'm going to burn it.

The reason I had that was because we decided to go to the airport on New Year's Eve and say destination anywhere

and see what happened.

But we went to Gatwick at like 7 p.m.

on New Year's Eve, and there was only one flight, and it was to Cameroon.

And

they said it's quite a long flight.

You'll be in the air at midnight.

And have you had your jabs?

And we said no.

And then they said, well, there's no more flights.

So we went to the pub in Gatwick Airport

and we played Hangman and we also chatted to pilots, children who were waiting for their parents to finish work so they could celebrate New Year's Eve.

They were the only people in the old airport.

And one of them gave you a teddy bear.

No, that would have been brilliant.

The teddy bear was.

I think the teddy bear was just like a joke present.

I think in any relationship a teddy bear's given, isn't it?

No.

It's nice thinking about doing a live one.

We don't have to answer all the questions like that for putting that situation.

I'm thinking, how do I break this to him?

No.

Whoever said it, no regard for your feelings.

No.

Fuck.

Teddy bear.

You burnt it all.

Teddy bear, hangman.

Yeah.

Some clothes.

Sure.

Other bits of paper that were meaningful, like letters and stuff.

Someone knows what was in there, but

he's here tonight.

My fucking final facts as well.

We got a hard out tonight.

Because we haven't even started the menu yet.

Yeah.

I think technically we've got 40 minutes left.

This is like the reverse of Ackroyd.

I'm throwing those in every time for the hardcore as I don't care, I'll do it, I'll keep doing it.

Good luck with your friends!

Thank you.

Thank you for wishing us luck with our project.

Anything else go on the barbecue?

Two books.

Catch 22 and a Snoopy book.

Fucking hell.

A lot of this is just stuff you could have donated to a local children's hospital.

Well, I know, but they had dedications in them and stuff.

Oh, right.

right.

Yeah.

Really says a lot about this guy.

Really paints a vivid picture of him.

Catch 22 and Snoopy.

What a range.

It's the whole gambit.

So we put them all on there.

A guy who was just living there temporarily

poured salt and wine on it and said a kind of prayer.

What the fuck was the prayer?

What was the prayer?

It was like, God receive these gifts.

Grant Izzy the emotional freedom to move on, stuff like that.

Yeah, and then

stab the teddy in the side and the juices rang clear.

I love gods receive these gifts.

I've got you a present.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'm a god, so this is going to be pretty impressive.

What have you got, me?

It's a finished game of Hangman that I did

in an airport.

Merry Christmas, God.

Are you a Snoopy fan?

She said the prayer.

God's received these gifts.

Yeah, set it alight.

Yeah.

Must have poured light of fluid on it or something as well.

Set it alight, and it burned really majestically for a little while.

And then quite quickly it

stopped burning.

Like everything would burnt really quickly, and we were like cheering and stuff.

the guy who said the prayer losing his shit

absolutely loving burning someone else's stuff so and this guy was only i want to talk a little bit more about this guy because he was only living there temporarily

so you didn't really know him how quickly was he convinced into this and how quickly did he suggest pouring salt and wine onto it

He was really into it.

Yeah.

Like, so I knew him from college,

but he was only living there temporarily.

And I feel like he shouldn't have had as much of a stake in it as he did.

I should mention that the guy who owned the barbecue on the flat was out.

Of course.

Yeah.

And the guy who said the prayer, is he just someone who was always, you know, people knew if you need that kind of service, you can call on him.

He'd be like, Yeah, he's just a very spiritual person.

Yeah, yeah, spiritual guy.

It dies down really quick.

Dies down really quickly, and then I realize that something's wrong.

It's only at this point you realize there was something wrong.

Hold on, guys.

There's not a raging fire anymore, and I've suddenly sobered up and seen what we've become.

So I get towards the barbecue, and everything's gone, but the taddy bear is like crucified in the position of Jesus and like melted onto the grill of the barbecue and like dripping down into the barbecue it was so like it was like a I don't know an image of Christ it was

So the bottom line is I had to buy Steven Yew barbecue

and it was 70 pounds.

Yeah.

I got images of like you guys around the barbecue and it's all charred and the bear is just melting through it.

And that somewhere your ex-boyfriend was just walking around just going,

I hope it's doing good actually.

I feel like

I'm in a good place right now and I think the breakup is for the best and like I think this space has really done us good.

So like, nah,

I'm sure she's in a good place right now.

I had to buy a new barbecue because I...

Look at the bear

dripping through the slots.

Still of sparkling water.

Guys, this is the maddest thing about this podcast is like just talking about what foods you like.

Now people come up to me and go, we do our off-menu menus all the time.

You're like, no, you don't.

You have a normal conversation.

And then still a sparkling water.

I was in a restaurant the other day and the waitress came over and went, Still a sparkling water.

Ooh.

No, you've been saying that for way long.

I wonder if you'll ever get tired of it, like when you're 80.

Yeah, no, I'm tired of it now.

Nah, of course not.

When Chris Tarrant ordered a drink from me when I worked behind the bar at the Cambridge Theatre, I said, Is that your final answer?

And very kindly, he acted as if I was the first person he ever said it.

Sparkling.

Big gun.

That's what I like.

Split the room.

Now, I'm going to ask something.

Yeah.

Can you add

a quarter of an inch of black currant?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

This is what we're here for.

This is it.

This is what we wanted.

Look at this.

Lock the doors.

It was going to be a long one.

You want some blackcurrant cordial in there.

How strong is this cordial?

Because there's different strengths you can have it.

And sometimes there's cordial that, you know,

you add it and it might as well be water.

You know, there's just a bit of a suggestion of black currant.

But if you're going full on, in there and it's pretty strong, I'd say you've made it a different drink.

So it depends what...

And I say that as someone who chose Corst and Prestas as water course.

So

and the way, the order in which you told us about that, I imagined you've got a glass of sparkling water and you've tipped it in after as like a little float on top of the sparkling water.

Yeah, like a lager top.

Like a lager top.

I tell you what you could do.

Could you bring a little jug of cordial with it?

Yeah.

And then I'll put it on.

Oh.

Interesting.

Is that because you don't trust us to get the measures right that you like?

Well, I actually think that, because yesterday I went to a pub and had a pint of sparkling water with cordial, and it was just the suggestion.

Why?

The same person who kicked off earlier about your belongings is now asking you why.

We could never go out with each other.

And it was definitely the suggestion.

It was very light purple.

It was fine.

But I think I'd prefer it strong.

And are you going cordial first, then water, or water first, then cordial, like Abe said?

I think cordial first, if I was making it.

If you're making it, you're going cordial first, because you want to see how much cordial there is.

So then we'll need to bring

a jug of water, a jug of cordial, and an empty glass for you.

Yes.

Right, okay.

No.

No, that's fine, yeah.

I think that's fine.

We've let people get away with much worse.

What's your cordial brand?

What kind of cordial do you normally get?

Do you get Sainsbury's own?

Do you get Robinson's?

We get Robinson's.

Fancy pants!

Someone's going to Wimbledon.

Ribena's not even been mentioned yet.

What's happening?

Am we talking about black current?

What's your game?

Well, so we don't have Ribena in the house, we just have it as a treat when we're out.

What?

You just have squash as a a treat when you're out?

We have Robinson's orange squash in the house.

Ellis, my partner, drinks, I'd say, two bottles a week of Robinson's orange squash.

Genuinely.

Man, we're on a text group with Ellis and cannot wait to destroy him for that afterwards.

Is it like full whack sugar stuff or is it no added sugar orange squash?

Oh, I think it's no added sugar.

Yeah.

You couldn't do two bottles a a week of full-strength stuff, could you?

But he has it quite weak.

Of course, he's a weak man.

Yeah.

I love that.

So black currants just a treat when you're out.

Orange squash in the house.

Yeah.

And as a treat when you go out, you have black blackcurrant squash ribena is a treat when you go out well i don't really mind the brand actually i don't reckon i'd be able to tell the difference between different types of blackcurrant cordial do you i think oh yeah yeah sorry

i should have warned you about them um

they have strong opinions you can tell the difference between OG Ribena and Robinson's blackcurrant squash because Robinson's black currant squash is maybe I'd say it's thinner it's you know it's more watery Ribena is like fresh blood blood.

I don't think you could describe it better.

You could upend a bottle of Ribena and count three seconds before any comes out of the bottle.

Yeah.

It's terrifying stuff.

Tomato ketchup.

So I definitely think you could tell the difference.

I think in hubs they have, I don't think they have Ribena, do they?

I think they have the watery kind.

So you want a jug of water, a jug of Robinson's black currant,

and an empty glass?

Yeah.

Sparkling water.

Yeah.

Yeah, fair enough.

Locked in.

Huh?

Locked in.

Pop it up with Zorbbread!

Pop it up as our bread, as you say.

Pop it up with Zorbbread.

Pop a dap a whop?

What's a pop-a-dop?

All of them looking at Ed.

What's he saying?

Every single

America looking at me as if I was a translator for James.

I understand you.

You look like someone from a Richard Curtis film, but this guy's a fucking alien.

Papa Dopper, what?

Papa Loppa, what the fuck?

Who is this guy?

The Jack McBray episode, he said, did he say he was going to call the cops?

Yeah.

I said I was going to call the cops.

That's because I said corn on the cob, I think.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He thought when I said corn on the cob, I was saying call the cops.

And when I said poppa doms or bread, I was saying poppers off the bread.

Poppers off the bread.

So same question to you, Izzy.

Poppers off the bread.

Poppers off the bread, please.

Bread.

Bread.

Big moment for us all.

We should do it, really.

Give me a cheer for bread.

But these guys, yes

The man falling to his death

Everyone just carrying on as normal pretty cool

Bleeding out everyone filling their free vibino over here

That man's dead

Popper dumbs

I like it.

Less of them, but I'd say more enthusiastic.

I like it.

The pop-a-dom cheer sounded more pure, you know.

It sounded like it was just pure-hearted people.

The bread one was like an aggressive Brexit-y cheer.

If you don't mind me saying it, so I'm just saying how it's sounding from the stage,

you know.

But is it your bread?

Bread all the way?

Bread with butter.

Yep.

I'd love

a little stamp of the restaurant in the butter.

Oh, yeah.

Little dream restaurant stamp.

That's good.

So

what would the butter stamp of the dream restaurant be then?

Little lamp.

A little lamp.

Yeah.

A little lamp, maybe.

With...

Well, that would represent me.

And then through the lamp would have like a needle.

It's my brand.

Huh?

Be nice, wouldn't it?

I fell in the Thames, yes.

A map of the Thames.

That's a complicated stamp.

Yeah, that's really, I mean, that really follows me around everywhere, I'd say.

Even when I have to maybe make a post on Instagram about, you know, I've been asked by a charity to promote World Diabetes Day, and I have to do quite sort of like

an open and honest post about how sometimes having a chronic condition can be a struggle mentally.

And I go, oh, it's getting some comments already.

And they are all, you fell in the Thames, you idiot!

Good on you all.

Maybe you wouldn't be be so sad if you hadn't fallen in the Thames.

Good on everyone who posted that.

Well done.

Just raise an awareness.

You're doing your part.

World Diabetes Day.

So we've got the stamp in the butter.

Is there a type of bread that you specifically want?

I'd say not soda bread

because I like that toasted.

Not sourdough,'cause I like that toasted.

Okay.

But like a soft roll with a hard crust and a very cloudy inside that's slightly stretchy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So those ones that you like toasted,

I mean, we can bring you out toast if you prefer that to the bread you just said.

There's already a lot of stuff on the table.

Yeah.

A lot of jugs and stuff with various things in.

And then

you've got a selling of a toaster on there as well.

I used to go to this cafe in Clapham with my friend that had a toaster on every table and you could,

I think it was called Toast

and you could choose bread and like spreads and go and and it was like 12 quid and you can have as much toast as you want and we were like this is amazing and then my other friend was like you know you could just do that at home.

Well you can't all the numbers have rubbed off the wheel.

Yeah hopeless.

We went to the Burnt Toast Cafe in Brixton, Brixton Village Burnt Toast Cafe and they do that, they've got the toasters on there.

And Nish was with us, Nish Kumar.

And the lady who owns that cafe,

she moved to England and she learned English by watching Mock the Week.

So she knows any comic who's ever been on Mock the Week and is very excited.

And we turned up and she was like, like, really, like, she went, James!

And then Ed came around the corner, she went, Ed!

And then Nish came around the corner, and she went, Nick!

Every time she took up order, she'd always go, Big Nick!

I'm calling him Big Nick.

That's when I think Nish invented his white persona, Nick Cooper, right?

Yeah, Nick Cooper.

Nick Cooper.

So you don't want toast, you want the clowny?

I don't think I do want toast because this is the start.

This isn't even the starter.

No, I don't want to.

We've got 20 minutes left.

So sorry, Benito.

No, toast feels much more like a meal, a main meal, than bread.

Even though it must have the same amount of calories.

Don't you think?

I'm not looking forward to your main course.

I don't think it is like a main meal, really.

Would you have toast before a starter?

No, that is a very good point.

Yeah, okay.

Not at home, certainly.

You wouldn't have some toast and then have dinner, would you?

I don't think so.

Actually, I might.

Point tanking.

I think it's because it should be a very casual, I'll have a bit of bread.

Whereas somehow, the act of toasting something, it's like it's making it special.

It's cooking.

Sorry, there's some very mature people here

because you went, I'll have a bit of bread.

They're like,

have a bit of bread.

You don't want to be the euphemism.

Gonna Uncle Im Rounds to have a bit of bread, you know what I mean?

Sometimes you just want want to have a bit of bread.

You don't want to make toast.

Feels like a main.

Feels too much like a main.

Sorry, yeah?

I believe you were.

Bread.

Cloudy bread.

Yes.

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Let's move on to your startup.

We've got to get onto this meal.

It's your starter from a specific place, or is it a general starter that you will have anywhere?

It's something you can have anywhere.

Okay.

Now you're looking at me as if we're about to play a game of Hangman again, and I've got to guess it.

It's something you can have anywhere.

That's your only clue.

I mean, it feels like I want you to guess.

It's got two main colours.

It's got two colours.

You said main colours, but is it just two colours

at all in the starter that you can have anywhere?

That's it.

Two colours.

Okay.

We're all wrapping our brains.

James's got a thing that was once alive.

And...

I actually, I don't know why I'm pretending I don't love this.

I love this game.

Oh, no.

Benito is backstage so angry.

Yeah.

I'd say there's so many you haven't heard.

James plays a guessing game every other podcast and they take about an hour and a half.

So

a lot of them don't make the edit.

But we really enjoy them.

Some of them I mean, I don't know what has made the edit.

I've only listened to three episodes.

So something that was.

Once it was alive.

One of it was once alive.

Something that was once alive.

Which is a lovely way to describe meat, I'm assuming.

Yeah, it's a great name for a restaurant.

A great name for a restaurant.

Yes, something that was once alive.

Something that once had a soul.

And something that never did.

Something that never did.

Two colours.

If you've got any guesses here.

Yes!

Huh?

Prawn cocktail.

Prawn cocktail.

Prawn cocktail.

How the hell did you get that so quickly?

Wow.

Where's the two main colours coming from?

Pink and green, I guess.

Oh, pink and green.

Is that what we're talking about?

Pink and green.

Is that what you were thinking?

Pink and green.

Yeah.

Pink and green, yeah.

Something that was once.

Okay, let's all keep an eye on her.

Now, this prawn cocktail, is that like...

What is it you love so much about the PC?

I just love the simplicity of the PC.

I love the fact that it doesn't try too hard.

Yeah, it's something very unpretentious about it.

I went to South End recently and ordered a PC

within like an hour of arriving, but it was a prawn and avocado salad.

Oh, no.

And I was like, no, guys,

this is wrong.

I think I'd like it

in a wine glass or

in a kind of little trifle bowl like they used to have in the 70s.

So you want quite traditional.

You don't want PC gone mad or anything.

You want a traditional.

Yeah, you're quite right, actually.

I had like a deconstructed prawn cocktail recently.

Did you?

It was actually really good.

It was at, now bear with me,

it was at a 90s themed restaurant called Only Fools and Courses.

How have you not told me about this?

It's in Brixton.

It's in Pop in Brixton.

It's a tasting menu, and the guy gives a talk beforehand about how it's all from his memories of growing up in the 80s and 90s.

And it's like the really nice, like, roast lamb thing and the deconstructed prawn cocktail.

And

duck, duck eclairs, right?

Like Peking duck, but in an eclair, it's delicious.

Wow, but I get the feeling that the deconstructed prawn cocktail is not what you want, like a straight-up classic PC.

Yeah, yeah, don't mess with it, don't mess with a classic.

Having them on the rim of the glass, the prawns hanging off, the big mummas, yes, hanging off like they're trying to escape.

Yeah, yeah,

very sadistic, like a bear on a barbecue, yes

Trying to get out.

I wasn't the one who wronged you, Izzy.

We had some good time.

What you got Mary Rose sauce on there or

what's the other one that's similar?

This is great having you here.

Thousand Island.

Mary Rose or Thousand Island sauce and people have different opinions on this.

Izzy sauce.

Izzy sauce.

Izzy sauce.

Yes.

Sootty sauce.

Sootty sauce.

Oh, God.

I don't know if you should have sooty sauce on it, Izzy.

I think Mary Rose.

Mary Rose.

Mary Rose.

Uh-huh.

We say it different, don't we?

What do you say?

I say Mary Rose.

Which I don't know.

That's probably wrong.

I've always said Mary Rose.

I say Marie-Rose.

So who's right in this situation?

Mary Rose.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Marie-Rose?

I think the subtitle is trying to signal to us that we do have to finish in 13 minutes.

Yeah, no, we're not.

I think that's a really good classic starter.

Classic.

So now I assume we're moving on to the main course of a slice of toast.

Two slices of toast.

The main course.

Yeah, how many colours?

Oh.

First, remember, the class of colours.

How many colours?

How many were alive and how many aren't?

Yeah.

How many were once alive, not are still alive?

Yeah.

Six colours.

Oh, fucking L.

Here we go.

Stepping it up per course.

One main colour.

Yeah.

Six colours in total.

Yeah.

Something that was once alive.

Yeah.

All the other things

can be eaten by things that were once alive.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're eating it, Izzy.

I'm with you.

Actually, all the other things in it could have been eaten by the thing in it that was once alive.

Okay, that's great.

I love that.

It might have got a bit ill,

but it wouldn't have killed it.

Okay.

So it's really, you're really rubbing it in the thing that was once alive's face at this point.

I'm going to kill you and put you in your natural habitat before I eat you.

I mean, I guess we need to narrow it down to: was it once alive on the land, or was it once alive in the sea?

It was once alive on the land, it was once alive on the water.

What the?

What the?

You ate a hovercraft?

Amazing stuff.

And what can a hovercraft eat?

Petrol.

So you're having hovercraft and petrol.

Is it Tom Daly?

Congratulations, Tom.

Decent victory.

Surround you with things you would normally eat.

And say a prayer.

Gods, please accept this gold.

I've got a feeling that we've got a pig here.

I think it's like it's a...

It must be

a duck these people are saying.

Well, of course it's a duck.

James.

I've forgotten.

Fuck me.

I'd forgotten the water bit.

Let's go through the old clues that Izzy gave there.

I forgot that bit.

It was on land and has been on water.

I I was too busy congratulating myself on the Tom Daly riff to remember where we'd come from to get there in the first place.

Yeah.

It's a platypus.

It's a platypus.

It's a platypus or a duck?

If it is duck, I'm excited because we haven't really had...

Not many people choose duck, and I like duck.

So this is like...

Well, let me tell you guys, it is indeed duck.

It's a duck.

Yes.

We got a duck on the pod.

Great.

And how how is this duck being prepared?

Larange.

So it's with.

With five other colours.

Oh yeah, we need to have colours.

Is one of them Larange?

No Larange in this.

No Larange.

La Green?

No.

No green in it.

Purple?

You have it with something that can easily give you food poisoning if you don't reheat it properly.

Man.

Why is it taking us this long to do a live episode?

Great stuff.

You guys are proving to Benito right now that the guessing games are solid and should stay in every edit.

He doesn't appreciate it.

Always edits them out.

Always edits them out because he can't guess them.

He's a little sore loser.

I don't like it.

I can't guess that.

I'll take it out of the podcast.

So duck

and rice.

So that's...

We've got brown and white.

White rice?

Yeah.

Yeah, not brown and brown.

So then we're back to...

Yeah.

Then we've got five colours left to do.

Red.

Red.

What?

Okay.

Don't set up a colour game and then.

Yeah, a bit of chili in there.

Yeah, a bit of chili in there.

But there is the colour red in there, if that was what you were asking.

Yes.

Yes.

What else do you think he could have been asking there, is he?

Red, what?

So angry as well.

Red?

What?

I'm not giving you that.

What?

There's yellow.

Yeah.

There's green.

Well, I said green.

I was told to go fuck myself.

Red, yellow, green.

Peas.

Yes, but a kind of peas.

Monge 2.

No.

Yes, can be.

Can be.

I always knew we'd end up playing what kind of peas tonight.

The word before peas is the surname of someone

from Game of Thrones.

Snow peas.

Yes.

I tell you what, it's amazing.

If you staff people of live entertainment for a year and a half,

what they'll lap up.

Snow peas, best night of my life.

I love live comedy.

This is what we've been missing.

This is what we've been missing.

It's back.

We're back.

Snow peas

snow peas the red it's chilly there's a red big red element to it salt pepper

yeah huh oh is it is it a thai red curry yes yes

feeling good this is good group work that's great tie red Thai red duck curry.

What?

See, yeah.

When I said the full sentence, some of you were like, actually,

I don't know how I feel about that.

Turns out when you break something down into its constituent colours, it makes it less appetizing.

But now it's all come together.

Yeah.

That's great.

What is it about the Thai red duck curry that you prefer over any other Thai red curries?

And also, what scenario do you imagine the duck would be in where it gets to eat a chili?

You throw anything in that pond, they'll lap at the idiots, ducks.

Make sure you wash your wings after you've had that, chilly.

Just going down to feed the ducks.

Oh, that'll explain why you got a bag of rice with you, Annie.

Going ballistic.

Why the Thai red duck and not the Thai red chicken?

There's something about the texture and taste of duck that just seems to go with the flavour with the red better better than the green.

And

I love Thai red curry.

I like Thai green curry, but I love the taste of Thai red curry.

And for me, and if I have green, I'll go for chicken.

I couldn't have green duck curry, but yeah.

Let's do a quick,

give me a cheer if you're a Thai red curry person.

Strong.

The Thai green curry crew.

I've told this story on the podcast many times and it only made the edit once, I think.

Five minutes left.

Yeah.

I'll leave it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'll be absolutely fuming.

Thai red curry.

I think this is the first time someone's chose a Thai red curry.

We've got a couple of Thai green curries on the pod.

And it's a rare appearance for the duck as well.

So in general, you're doing a lot of people.

A lot of people here will feel seen because of this course.

Is there a place that does the best Thai red duck curry?

I did, I went to this Thai restaurant in Edinburgh once, and I had

red duck curry with the guy who'd given me the stuff that I burnt on the barbecue, actually.

And there was stuff in that Thai red curry that I would not have believed you could put in a curry.

There were grapes, whoa,

there were apples,

not whole apples.

them.

Sounds like you went into Scotland and had some tinned fruit.

Looks a bit like it, doesn't it?

It's not called tinned fruit there, though.

Is this the curry that you want on my mouth?

Do you want the curry with grapes and apples in it?

Well, I wouldn't have thought that would have worked, but it was incredible.

It really was.

The grapes and the apples were in addition to the normal stuff that you get in Thai curry.

Yeah.

James isn't happy.

No, I...

See, something we need to drill down into is the fruit.

Would you say it was fresh?

I'd say that the apples were definitely fresh.

Definitely.

That was like slices of apple.

Yeah.

And the grapes.

Don't tell me they were tanned.

They weren't tanned.

I don't think you can tan a grepe.

I mean, I don't know, but they were quite small for grapes.

Like they might have been.

They're almost like they were sultanas.

Bleasdale didn't say that.

Bleasdale tried to pick the secret ingredient as Thai red curry because he went to Thailand.

He had one and he said it tasted sneaky

He hated it

Bleasdale won't even go to Scotland he thinks

So you're saying there's a chance these were tanned grepes

Yeah, there's no way of being sure because it was about 15 years ago, but I think there's a 50-50 chance

Benito and could you Google whether you can tan a grep?

Because we need to know

But how's he he going to get the message to us yeah but how is he gonna get because he wants to he doesn't want to be seen little little benito so

he'll

yeah

i mean this is the reason why so you're not gonna coax him out by going whoa yeah

And he'll go, oh, my fans are calling me and come out.

That's what terrifies him.

Come out like that.

I think it doesn't sound like these are

the kind of tanned first.

I don't know if you can tin a grape, but

I'm googling it now, but initially I wasn't thinking about it properly and I've googled tanned grapes.

Yeah.

Well done.

I don't think it sounds like they were tinned.

Because also they'd been cooked, so they probably would have lost their skins in the cooking process.

Okay, hang on.

There's going to have to be a discussion here.

Oh, no.

This is tense stuff, and we're coming here at the time when we're supposed to be finishing.

This is genuinely tense.

I've googled tinned grapes.

Yes.

The first thing that's come up is pickled young grapes.

They're in a jar, and every option here is specifically from Thailand.

Blease L walks out of the gig immediately.

Thai pickled young grape.

Thai pickled.

Well, I mean, you didn't say Thai pickled young grapes, did you?

That's you.

Sorry, everyone's wearing masks.

I can't tell who's who.

Yeah.

You didn't say Thai pickled grape.

I mean, if you'd said at the start,

yeah, Thai pickled young grapes.

We would have had a much longer conversation with you.

Don't think Izzy would even be on by now.

I think it's in a jar.

I think this is the ruling.

It's in a jar, right?

So it can't, it's not tammed fruit because it's in a jar.

Yeah, pickled is different from tinned.

Yeah, pickle's different from tinned.

Okay, yes.

You stay in.

We'll move on to your side.

I'm worried that we're gonna are we like what well that I mean it would have been perfect to kick you out the restaurant now because it is the end of the show

quite useful

Side we need to or is the rice the side dish or do you have another another side dish?

No, just the rice.

Just the rice?

That's helpful.

That's helpful, actually.

Right, good.

Excellent.

And do you think you could sort of pick the grapes out and have that for dessert?

Pickled young grapes, you absolute perv?

Does it sound pervy?

Yes, I could pick the grapes out and have them for dessert.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's get onto your dream drink.

If the rice is your side,

let's go onto your dream drink.

Yeah.

Riesling.

Yeah!

Someone celebrating who, and no offence madam, if you had told me someone's just celebrated Riesling, I would have pictured you.

I hope you take that as a compliment as it's intended.

Love a Riesling.

Paired perfectly with the

the spicy Thai food as well.

Well, Riesling goes really well with Thai.

I used to work for Odbins, and I've got the equivalent of a GMBQ in wine tasting.

Thank you, guys.

And I've kind of forgotten everything now, but I used to be able to identify most grapes without knowing what they were.

And Riesling is the best pairing with Thai, and I always remember that.

I mean, that's great.

I think that's such a good choice.

Can be a bit sweet sometimes, Riesling?

It can be a bit sweet, but there's something about Thai that balances it out, Thai food.

It can be sweet, though, on its own, definitely.

When there's any discussion of actual food stuff, James completely zones out, and now he's got a can of Corstan Press.

It's the drink course.

It's probably a good thing, because I was about to start.

talking about where Riesling is grown.

It's in like the best Riesling from the Mosul in Germany on the steep hill and they get a lot of wind and it's quite a hardy grape.

But it's only when you're faced with a live audience of more than 2,000 people you realize quite how fucking boring a lot of your chat is.

One colour and it lives forever.

Riesling.

Quite a sweet wine.

It's almost when you go through to your you don't want anything sweet for dessert really, I guess, because

you've had quite a sweet wine.

It might be nice to have something more savoury to take the edge off at the end of the meal.

It'd be a lovely way to round it out.

This is yeah, fuck you guys!

How many colours do you want on your cheese board?

Even for you, that was low, Ed.

One One voice.

Everyone else booed and then one cheeseboard!

What's your favourite type of Riesling?

I don't, I just like.

Favourite brand?

I just like all of them.

You like all of them?

Mixed together.

We could do that for you.

Okay.

Do you want us to get every Riesling in the world and just a little bit of each in a glass and you can have ultimate Riesling?

Yes, because you should, if you mix red and white wine, that doesn't make rosé.

But you could definitely mix, I reckon, lots of different types of the same grape.

No, they do, they do.

There's such a thing as blends, they do that.

I mean, they taste like shit, but you can.

No, I reckon you can, yeah.

Why don't we give it a go?

Give it a go.

Like when you mixed all the bleach with everything else and poured it on the bed.

To exercise the ghosts.

Yes.

You want Riesling that can exercise a ghost?

Yeah.

I think that's a great choice.

Do you want us to make the Wiesling out of pickled young grapes?

We can do that.

Stamp on them?

No.

We have to consider each one if we're going to respond to it.

And that was

incoherent and most likely dog shit.

We had to swerve that.

When you did that there,

I imagined you being one of those guys, that your job is to stamp the grapes.

And I can't imagine you happier.

Just all day, like, I'm a Bearford boy.

Yeah.

Squelching between my toes.

I'd love it.

I would love to stamp on all the grapes.

There's something about doing it sitting down as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd get one of those office swivel chairs

and just be bombing it around the whole thing.

Spraying off the wheels.

Well, is that the reasoning that you'd like?

Would you like the one crushed by James's feet on an office swivel chair?

Yes.

Yes.

Right.

Benito, make a note of everyone who just clapped and issue with us draining order.

I'll make you the ultimate leads them with my feet.

Amazing.

Happy to do it.

That's what Ed said.

Your dessert now.

This is tense.

Ed's already made it tense.

It's not your fault.

Ed's made it tense.

He bought up a cheeseboard.

And

I'm pretty sure we're not going to go there.

I know that you like sweet stuff.

I've seen you eat a chocolate bar before.

It's the only reason.

But I've seen you eat a baby bell, so which way is this going to go?

You what?

How How many colours are in this dessert and how much of it used to be alive?

Two colours.

Red and yellow.

It's a baby bell.

This could be cheese and biscuits.

I'm going to throw this chair into the audience.

It's going to be a sad end to the pod.

Two colours?

None of it used to be alive.

Did any of it come from something that was once living?

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

How many...

Both of them came from something that was once living?

So one of it,

okay, so one colour, all of it came from something that used to be alive.

Right.

The other colour,

about a third of it came from something that used to be alive.

So a lot of shouts for cheesecake.

It's not, guys, it's not cheesecake.

And I'm very fussy about cheesecake.

Not brownie and ice cream.

Okay, okay, another clue, another clue.

Okay.

Bacon and milk.

Okay.

The thing that's

the thing which consists of a third of something from something that once was alive.

Yes.

Imagine being an actual waiter and this was the order.

Just the menu's right there.

No, no, no, no.

Listen.

When it's made, it's made for more than one person in the oven, and it's in the shape of something you shouldn't look directly at.

The sun?

Okay.

The naked child?

That's the kind of stuff that would get edited out, and I apologise, Benito.

You shouldn't, James, but

you do, don't you?

I had to think of something.

Sorry, that was edgier than we were all anticipating, and I didn't

mean for it to happen.

I had to think of an alternative to the sun.

So, the sun.

Is it the sun, or is it?

It's the sun.

Okay, few.

Okay, good.

So, something is baked into the shape of the sun.

No, they can't.

Hang on, what's no, guys?

I think we have to assume that if it's baked into the shape of the sun, it is specifically meant to be the sun.

Because if Izzy's way of describing something circular is just in the shape of the sun.

James, James.

I'm looking at Izzy's face right now, and I think that's exactly what you said.

Really?

Is that what you said?

Is that what you were doing?

That's mad.

See you there.

It's a cake.

It's a Yeah.

Yeah.

But the sun is a sun.

This has gone from a guessing game to like a riddle from.

In the shape of the sun, come with me, I have clues, three.

Two colours am I?

One third used to be alive.

Imagine if someone, you were chatting to to someone and they went, oh, what's that food?

It's in the shape of the sun.

It's in the...

You shouldn't look directly at it.

No, not that, Mark.

That's disgusting.

Don't say that.

It's way too edgy.

What?

A cake?

Yep.

So we've got a...

Well, a sponge cake here, and something else is going on that?

What's going on?

It's got icing on it.

Okay.

And it's got icing in the middle of it.

Chocolate cake?

Yeah.

It's a chocolate cake.

Yeah.

Where'd you get two colours from?

No, no, no, because it's...

No, so that's, yeah, that's the brown.

Oh, there's some ice cream on the side.

We've got the scoop of vanilla ice cream.

It's sitting in something that's the consistency of a puddle.

It's maybe the sun, but the the moon is below.

Is it custard?

It's cream.

It's cream.

Oh, here we go.

Just when we thought the night was wrapping up, it's going to kick off again with the cream and custard brigade attacking each other.

That's the no, there's no, I don't think there's any argument for custard with a chocolate cake.

It's cream.

Chocolate cake?

You would rather have pouring.

Is it pouring cream?

So double cream

poured, but the chocolate cake must be warm.

Yes.

You couldn't say you could have custard with that.

I'll tell you what I've got in my mind Izzy and look this is a

recent thought topic for me.

The Pizza Express

hot chocolate fudge cake remains the absolute OG.

We ordered some the other night on Deliveroo, just that, no pizzas.

Two slices of the chocolate fudge cake.

They've fucking changed the recipe.

It's not ganache anymore.

It's like a glaze.

It's bullshit.

God.

Yeah.

But that, the old school one, hot with pouring cream.

I'm so with you.

It has to be the right, I think it really has to be the right consistency.

There's a restaurant in Cambwell called Caravaggio's, and that they haven't changed their recipe for years and years.

And I went back there the other day and it was the same as before.

And it was just like life before lockdown.

It was brilliant.

I'm going there.

That sounds amazing.

So this is Camberwell.

So they recognised you as the lady with the fire on her roof?

Yes.

I would go.

Oh, don't, don't do this, James.

What?

It's going to be weird.

It's just going to be weird.

It's not weird.

Isn't this a good idea?

You're going to be like frozen cake and hot custard.

Oh.

That's quite exactly.

No, I would go

a scoop of vanilla ice cream top of the list.

If it's a chocolate cake and it's warm, I put vanilla ice cream top of the list, then custard before cream.

No.

Custard has no place there.

I'd go vanilla ice cream on top.

That melts, I suppose that forms sort of rivulets of custard, but to go straight to custard is madness.

That is, I mean, custard can only go with things like apple crumble.

It can't chocolate and custard.

It just isn't.

Yeah, mission out.

Well may I say to my right honourable friend that

you can't put custard

I you know I like it when the when the custard and the chocolate merge together you get a bit of marbling of the chocolate on top of the custard.

It was always going to happen.

Betty yet get rid of the chocolate cake replace it with a lovely wedge of Stilton.

Panto villain.

So you're going porter and cream.

Fair enough.

Do you want the same jug of porter and cream?

Do you want to use the same jug that we use for the cordial?

So you can still taste a bit of

cordial in there?

No.

Fair enough.

I'm going to read your order back to you now and see how you feel about it.

Um how are you gonna be writing it down beneath obviously it's gonna come out and give it to me so um I'm just gonna try and remember it and see if I can remember it.

Um

you would like

water, you would like sparkling water in a jug, empty glass and a another little jug of cordial, blackcurrant cordial.

Poppadom's or bread, you chose the cloudy bread that tears apart with some butter with a stamp of the restaurant in it.

Your starter, you would like a prawn cocktail.

You don't mind where they get them from, it just has to be two colours.

And the

Marie Rose sauce.

Your main, you would like the red Thai curry duck with a side of rice to go with it.

Your dream drink was a Rieslin, and for dessert, you would like warm chocolate fudge cake with some pouring cream.

Wow, well done.

Yes,

I did it.

You've never remembered it before.

I hate waiters who are trying to do it by memory, and you've actually done it.

Well done.

I actually did it for the left out that the pickled young grapes.

You forgot about the pickled young grapes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You were like pickled young grapes in everything, I think, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Something like that.

I think that's a good meal.

Yeah, so do I.

We're now approaching the end, and I don't know how we end it in a live environment.

Because normally we'll just sort of shut our laptop lids.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you, our guest is.

Izzy Sutty, everyone.

Izzy Suti!

And thank you

so much for coming to the first ever off menu live.

We've had an amazing time.

You've been a great audience.

Thank you very much and we'll see you soon.

Well, there we are, James.

That was the first ever live off-menu.

A delicious live meal.

Yes, it took us a while to get to the meal.

We were slightly worried about the time because,

I mean, I'm glad it took us a while to get to the menu because we got that amazing story.

But

got to hear about a little teddy bear burning to death on a barbecue.

And sometimes that gets in the way of a good meal.

But I think, you know, the meal went down very well.

I think the audience was happy with the choices.

There's a picture of James doing an impression of the bear burning on a barbecue available on Instagram.

I will put that up as this episode goes out.

Yes, it's me doing the impression and Izzy and Ed are just having a conversation, completely not regarding me whatsoever.

So I wasn't aware at the time that no one was paying attention to me.

Me and James work quite well as a team.

You'll hear us reference this a few times.

Quite often, if James is doing something, I'm just having a conversation with a guest.

And sometimes while I'm having a conversation with a guest, James will glaze over as well because he's thinking about the next thing he's going to say.

We really bounce off each other well as a team.

Yeah, that's how all the good comedy duos work.

We know how to get it done.

Two solo performers.

It was a great episode.

Thank you very much, Izzy, for coming on the show.

We really appreciate it.

Her book is called Jane is Trying.

It is available now for purchase.

And her podcast is called The Things We Do for Love.

So go and seek out both of those things.

She didn't say the secret ingredient, of course.

She did not say Tanned Frutt.

Phew.

Tanned Frut lives to see another day.

Yes, which is lucky because people really need their money's worth.

We couldn't pick her out for saying if she had a starter of Tanned Frut, it would have been very

quite funny.

We should have made the rule that if she says Tanned Frut, she gets kicked out of the dream restaurant and the man who suggested Tanned Frut has to replace her on stage.

Oh man, I would have loved loved that.

So, I mean, stick around.

I'm sure there will be another live little bonus treat coming soon.

But for now, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant live.

Keep chomping!

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.