Ep 114: Shaparak Khorsandi

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, where we take chat, we take humour, we take good times, and we put them in the pestle and mortar, and we crush them into a podcast paste.

Hello, James.

I'm the pestle at Edge the Mortar.

Pestle and mortar are two new nicknames.

Yep.

Not really puns that we can do on our names to do with pestle and mortar, really?

No, I don't think so.

So just call ourselves pestle and mortar.

Pestle and mortar.

Pure and simple.

Simple and plain.

Also, two more sets of great nicknames.

Yeah.

Pure and simple and simple and plain.

Well, yeah, with that one, though, who's who?

With those ones.

But is simple the same in both of them?

Yes, I guess so.

Okay.

I guess I'll take simple.

Well, you're a gentleman, but I think anyone listening to this podcast will probably put you as pure and plain.

Yeah, but then plain.

I'd rather be simple twice than pure and plain.

But you've got a joke about how your face just looks like the default face on a computer game before you get it.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe I'll take pure and plain then, and you can be double simple.

Yeah, I'm double simple.

Simple squared and P ⁇ P, welcome to the show.

Welcome along.

This is the off-menu podcast with Simple Squared and P ⁇ P.

And we invite a guest into our dream restaurant and we ask them their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week's guest is

chaparrac

chaparac corsandi a wonderful stand-up and author and many many other things she's great james she's done so much stuff fantastic comedian uh we recorded this episode quite a while ago actually a while back and so in the episode it might be confusing because we're calling chaparac shappy for the whole thing At the time, that was what Shaparak went by.

Things have changed.

We've recorded an intro that makes sense now, but, you know, don't listen to the episode and then go, what, they switched the guest on us?

They've lost their minds.

Yeah.

No, we simply record retroactively recording an intro, an outro, to make sure we get Shaparak's name correct.

And don't go thinking, oh, that means that when they do a secret ingredient, because all of you like know, you listen to the podcast and you know that we always say a secret ingredient in the first part of the podcast this little intro and we say if they pick the secret ingredient then they get kicked out of the dream restaurant and some of you are thinking now well they're recording that this intro after they've recorded the main episode so clearly they pick the secret ingredient afterwards so they don't have to kick someone out and they think it's one big conspiracy and that jade adams was just someone that we just didn't take to very well and decided to kick her out for no reason because we didn't like her and like that is not that's not the case we genuinely choose the secret ingredient ahead of time we knew going into this episode that the secret ingredient was bergamot.

We already knew that.

We're not making it up now.

There is no way we could come up with that and fake a secret ingredient and act like we'd not picked it beforehand.

We can't act, James.

We can't act.

If we were actors...

Sorry, sorry.

I forgot.

I'm talking to the footman from the Cinderella musical.

Listen, not just a footman, also a mouse.

I had to play a mouse and then...

Spoiler warning.

I play a mouse.

Spoiler warning.

I play a mouse and then I turn into a footman.

So I had to play two roles in that.

I had to play a mouse and then I had to play a footman who used to be a mouse.

So like that's that's a range.

That's full range acting there.

So did you get the part based on the mouse or the footman?

When you went into the audition,

were you a mouse or were you a man?

Good question, Ed.

The answer, simple and plain, is...

I didn't have to audition because I replaced somebody who dropped out at the very last minute.

Right.

That's how you get around that.

yeah

is that someone drops out at the very last minute and then they quickly rush around going who can we replace them with yeah all you got to do is be available be affordable and be a caster the three a's yeah i was gonna say i think the last one's quite important yeah because i'm the i'm two a's yeah but then also i'm g i'm ag and then you're you're gamble yeah no one's gonna get someone called gamble as their last minute no way because it just seems like tempting fate, right?

They need a dead sir or an acre.

Dead sir, get me in, and they know he can play a mouse and he can play a footman.

So, in answer to the question, are you a man or a mouse?

Your answer is both.

Is yeah, depends what time you catch me at.

Sometimes I'm a mouse, and sometimes I turn into a footman, and then I change back into a mouse again.

Spoiler alert again.

So, let's hear the off-menu menu of Chapara

or Sandy.

Welcome, Shappy, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello, I'm very excited to be here.

I've washed my hands and everything.

Welcome, Shappy Korsandi, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Well, I've been sat here for ages.

The waiters just seemed very, very busy, and I didn't want to intrude on their thoughts.

This is nice.

This is the first time someone has been in the waiting area of the Dream Restaurant while we served other guests.

and we've noticed you've been sat there.

We sent out a little bowl of nibbles just to keep you busy.

I know, but you mustn't let the nibbles fill me up, though.

You have to feed me proper food soon, otherwise, it'll go to waste and that's a crime.

Favorite type of nibbles?

Favourite types of nibble.

Oh, well, crisps, I guess, are good nibbles.

And I love good bread and butter.

I could eat a whole meal just bread and butter and maybe some feta cheese and a mound of herbs

that you put in it

and a radish,

like thinly sliced radish with Middle Eastern sort of bread.

I mean, I would nibble that, but then I wouldn't be able to eat my food.

Or I would eat my food, but then I'd hate myself.

There is a bread, you know, a potential bread option coming up.

So here at the Dream Restaurant, we wouldn't send out bread in the waiting room.

It would have to be some other sort of nibble, perhaps a bowl of crisps, just so you can graze.

In that case, what I would really love as a nibble is, what are they called?

Endame beans with loads of salt.

Edamame?

Yes, edamame beans.

Because they're just sort of soggy vegetable with tons of salt.

So it's delicious.

Yeah, quite, that's the salt is the bit I enjoy there.

Quite often I feel like I just want to suck the pods dry of all the salt and leave the beans in there.

I don't even want to bust into the beans, really.

There's no point to them.

Sometimes I buy broad beans in their shells, boil them, put a load of salt on them and just suck on them while I watch telly.

So I just, it just seems more civilised than directly pouring salt onto my tongue.

I knew there was a reason you hadn't done Celebrity Goggle Box.

Lady sucking a broad bean again.

They filmed it all, didn't they?

And they were like, we can't put this out.

She's sucking on a broad bean.

I was disappointed.

I still got paid, though.

They just said it might put people off their, not just their food, but their life.

Do you want to do that in the waiting area?

Yeah, I'll suck some salt.

Thank you.

Have you ever waited so long at a restaurant that you've just gone, forget it, and then just left?

Good question.

Yeah, I've had to i was with some friends and children and when children get over hungry they become like chimpanzees that are very angry and i had ordered a lovely takeaway from my favorite takeaway place but it never arrived so we went to my favorite restaurant down the road which is like indian bangladeshi and it was a saturday night and you know when you go to a restaurant a lot and they know you and you're really friendly with them when they're busy it's you that they'll neglect because they know that you're all right you're a mate and so we sat there for like 40 minutes an hour the kids were like chewing on the tablecloth and in the end I went up really apologetic I was I was nearly crying from hunger myself because I am not good with hunger I was like almost crying just going he hasn't even bought his nibbles he could have bought his nibbles and then we ended up going home and making sandwiches and then the restaurant that never bought the takeaway, I called them up and I said, guys, what happened?

And they said, so sorry, because they know me as well, because I always order.

They said, we had an,

this isn't funny, but they had an immigration raid.

And they said they couldn't.

So you say it's not funny.

You're laughing your head.

Well, you know,

no one was taken in.

They were fine.

It was no one.

No one suffered, which was why it was funny.

And then afterwards, I thought, did they really have an immigration raid?

Or was it a very busy Saturday and decided that was the only excuse a regular would accept?

Yeah, but they can only use that once, right?

They're not going to be able to use the immigration raid excuse again.

I see.

I was going to ask if it felt empowering to walk away because I quite like sometimes going, no, do you know what?

I'm not going to eat here.

And I leave because I don't like how I've been treated.

But that sounds like it was quite upsetting for you.

It was upsetting.

It was very empowering because it was like a close friend.

I have been empowered by that.

I was once at the Melbourne Comedy Festival in an outdoor pizzeria with my then husband and we waited over 45 minutes for pizzas and when they arrived they were burnt.

And I said, we are not eating these.

We are going to proudly walk away.

And he's a lot more sort of very sort of British about things.

He was like, well, no, at least we should explain to them.

I was like, no, we're going to walk away.

And we walked away.

And I've worked in those sort of places.

And it was one of those situations where I just thought they were relieved.

They'd rather have we walked away than made a complaint because they were having a rough night.

You know, we all have rough nights.

That's the problem.

I don't feel empowered by walking away in that situation because I think you're playing into their hands.

Like if they're really busy,

the thing they actually want is for people to start walking away.

So if anything, you should sit there for even longer as a punishment.

It's like I've had, you know, a shit gig.

And if people get really angry with me, I just go, well, it's a hazard of the trade.

And that's why

I'm so amazed at people that start to stand up when they're older.

Because you've got to be like, like for me, if I wasn't so young and everything being so chaotic anyway.

But then maybe that would be different.

Now I'd be like, excuse me, this is the third.

Someone emailed me and I didn't reply to their email.

And then they emailed me the next day and said, it's very bad form of someone of your stature.

What?

To not contact someone of my stature.

stature because what she was saying was like I'm bigger than you and I've emailed you and it's so rude that you haven't emailed me back.

Isn't that weird?

Imagine being like that.

So, I didn't do what she wanted me to do.

And she, and then she wrote, that's very disappointing.

Isn't that, aren't people funny?

Awful.

Awful, aren't people?

Aren't people awful?

Yeah, that's what you meant.

Dreadful people.

Well, here at the dream restaurant, you don't need to worry about that sort of thing.

Oh, good.

You're the top stature.

Absolutely.

There's no one above you saying you should answer emails.

You're the person everyone's answering the emails for.

That feels feels nice.

I feel like I'm in a warm bath in a restaurant.

You can be.

I mean, that's all part.

If you want to be in a bath in the restaurant and have one of those tables across the bath, we can bring all the food and pop it down there.

Oh, how wonderful.

And would you be able to provide some sort of constant heater so it doesn't go cold?

Absolutely.

Look, you can have that, Shappy, but Ed is deliberately trolling the listeners there because he recently promised to take a photo of himself in that situation with the bath with the table over it, eating a pop-a-dum sandwich.

Yeah.

Promised he would do it.

And video as i said is yet to do it yeah so bringing up that bath situation he knows that he's shaking the cage of the listeners i'm not condoning that what an awful man oh you know what you've put me off my bath because i'm now just imagining a bath with all bits of poppadom in it yeah that's not going to make me feel clean i've just been in there there's there's shards of poppadom in there bobbing around sorry shards of poppadom you filmed it i don't like baths i'm sorry i don't like baths so i'm not gonna well then you shouldn't have promised on the podcast i don't like baths, and, you know, I don't really like poppadums as much as bread.

I'd rather have a bit of bread in the shower.

Can we do that instead?

No one made you promise to the audience that you would sit in the bath and eat a poppadum.

You did that by yourself.

Yeah.

I even tried to warn you against it on the episode and you doubled down.

So don't start saying now that you don't like baths.

What if like you drop your bread in the bath and it goes soggy just the way ducks like it and then ducks fly into your bath in your restaurant?

That would ruin everything.

It depends what's on the menu.

You haven't thought this through.

how do you relax and if you don't like baths baths make put me on edge oh interesting i can stand in the shower for you know up to half an hour have a little think much prefer that not a bath horrible you can see everything oh but that's lovely i don't want to look at it i don't want to look at this can see everything in the shower as well ed amazon yeah but i can just look ahead in the shower can't i i don't know how you're showering i can look right ahead or look up just look away do you like the bath as well you can look at the ceiling if you want no it's right there james it's right there it's always right there it's your body is always in the same place shabby back me up on this

still sparkling water and if you want it in your bath or if you want to drink it no no i'd like to drink it i'll i'll drink the sparkling water do you know what i remembered when i was preparing myself emotionally and mentally for speaking with you today i was thinking about yes for a minute food throughout my life

and

i get really serious stop me if I don't get serious.

In the olden days, when like plane travel was very different and very quite a bit special, aeroplane food was different, so it wasn't cooked like it is now.

It was little compartments in this big box, and then it would have everything just cute and wrapped up, a little cube of cheese, and a little slice of sandwich, and a little like this.

And my brother and I thought this was adorable.

We were like in primary school.

And so, my dad, on a flight back from somewhere for work, he didn't eat his meal, but he kept it.

And the air steward said, Did you not enjoy the meal?

He said, Yes.

And my dad, right, I can't explain just how foreign my dad is.

Like Iranian people find him very foreign.

Like he's Iranian.

He's the most.

Thanks for clarifying he's Iranian, because otherwise, if people didn't know that, that would be a really weird thing to say.

He's Swiss.

And Iranian isn't very weird.

It's a peculiarity of Iranians that they always assume Swiss people and Nigerian.

So he said to them, no, my children like the food.

And what he meant was, my children get a bit of a kick out of aeroplane food.

So I'm going to take this home because we were like, you know, five and six.

And the air steward thought that he needed food to feed his kids.

So as he left the plane, they came and found him with a little bag and they put five more boxes and pressed them into his hand and said, for your children.

Oh my God.

Okay, Mo.

Bit of a result for you and your brother, though.

You must have been so happy with that.

Well, it was weird, though, that aeroplane food.

It's like it only tastes good on the aeroplane.

When he brought it home, it was like this weird, stale, mushy nonsense that we didn't really enjoy.

But it didn't spoil my childhood that

particular afternoon.

But it taught me a lesson that some things you have to have in situ.

Yeah, fair enough.

So, you want sparkling water, is that right?

Yes, please.

Are you drinking sparkling water right now, Shappy?

I am.

I'm drinking San Pellegrino, which is my sparkly water of choice.

How much sparkling water do you drink?

Because you're swigging out of the bottle there.

This seems like a regular occurrence, but you're drinking a bottle every day.

I drink a bottle every day because everyone else in lockdown has been drinking alcohol, and I don't, I can't really, because I live alone with my kids.

It's just a bit weird to suddenly hit the bottle.

And I find sparkling water, it's like alcohol.

It's just, it's got a bit of a kick to it, hasn't it?

Do I sound really desperate for

yeah, a little bit just because it's like alcohol because it's got a bit of a kick.

I couldn't think of anything less similar to alcohol, really.

Yeah, well, it just and especially San Pellegrino because it's just so fizzy, this brand of alcohol I'm drinking.

I mean, you have got on the mounted on the wall there some sort of a mini bar of sorts.

I've got a bar.

I've got one of those 1950s bars in my front room.

It's a little present I bought for myself when I got back from I'm a celebrity.

And it's very special to me, this bar.

And I don't really, I don't sort of sit at home and go, oh, I'll go to my bar and pour myself a drink, like they do in black and white films.

They just casually pour themselves a scotch.

Yeah.

That would ruin me.

Ruin me.

Imagine that in the middle of the afternoon.

Imagine, but instead, you have a San Pillar Grino and you go, ooh, I'm hammered.

You should really, because you've got the full optics up there, so like the upside-down bottles with the

things.

You should replace all of those bottles with San Pellegrino.

And then no one ever would ever come to my party.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Bread!

Bread, always bread.

What are you thinking of?

It's that's like saying a toad or a kitten.

It's they're two very different things, very different things.

A pop-a-dom is a large crisp and bread is is the the food of the gods.

No disrespect to poppadoms.

No disrespect to poppadums, but they're the food equivalent of a toad.

I love toads.

Okay, well let me ask you this.

Toad or kitten?

Good question, actually.

Oh no, now I feel do you know what?

Now I feel like I'm going to be cancelled because I um likened a poppadum to a toad.

I love poppadums, I would like to say that.

Um kitten, I think.

I would prefer to have a pet kitten than a pet toad.

In fact, I do have two pet cats, so I don't have two large toads bopping about my house.

You said you'd like a bath?

Kittens can't get in the bath with you?

They can't.

Do you know what?

I've changed my mind.

I'd like a big toad, please.

Absolutely.

With a poppadom between its toes.

It can't, because it's webbed.

Yeah.

A poppadum in its mouth with a fly on it.

That's my ideal meal.

We're done.

If you're in the bath, you could put a poppadom in and the toad could sit on it like a big lily pad.

Yep.

Oh, that's a beautiful idea.

Because that would last for exactly three seconds before it sank, which is my attention span.

So,

but may I ask you, is it okay if this is lunch rather than dinner?

Yes.

Yeah.

Because dinner frustrates me.

I love lunch and I love breakfast, but dinner, I just want to be running around.

I find

d dinners all come to my birthday dinner.

I feel I feel shackled by a dinner because you can't choose the time.

Often it's at eight.

I don't eat that late.

And I have to say, like, can I come earlier and eat at six, please?

I find it very stressful going for dinners, especially if there's loads of people.

I just think, what's the point?

We could have all had a sandwich before we came and then just stood around and chatted.

So you don't like dinners because you're going to be bouncing around doing stuff in the evening, whereas lunch, you'd like to sit down and take your time and have a nice lunch.

Yeah, and I think lunch is,

it's more socially acceptable to get up from a lunch table and have a wander around.

But dinners just tend to be a bit more heavy.

Unless it's like a dinner party at somebody's house and it's around a table and it's small.

I can handle up to sort of six people.

But I went to a dinner in a pub when I was 17.

It was my friend's sister's 21st birthday.

I knew I was no good at dinners.

it was strangers because I'm shy as well and I went and I'm 17 everyone there is like university students just horrible and I couldn't talk to anyone and then suddenly people were looking at me and I didn't really understand why and I couldn't say anything because my throat had seized up and my jaw had seized up in a sob of anxiety and I realized I had tears running down my face so I basically just sat at this dinner at 17 and was crying.

Do you feel like that was because it was a dinner?

Do you think it wouldn't have happened if it was lunch?

If it was a buffet, it would have been all right.

There's always something to talk to someone about at a buffet.

If you're up at the buffet with someone, you can be like, oh, this is a nice spread, isn't it?

Or, oh, what are you going for?

You're on your second trip are you that sort of thing where where should i put my stick you know the whole sort of buffet chat stick conversation buffet chat that's all good and and do you know even telling you that story i had anxiety and you know the other reason I've been to one hen night in my entire life.

I was 21.

Okay, this is how old I am.

There were no mobile phones and there was a restaurant where you had a telephone on each table.

My children tell me off for saying telephone.

It's like saying wireless, apparently, instead of the radio.

There's There's a telephone on each table and each table has a number and you can phone a table.

You can go, hi, this is table number 14 and you phone a bunch of people and you have a chat and it's a flirty thing.

Every single girl at that hen night got a phone call from a boy at another table except for me.

I became the receptionist.

I just went, oh, I'll be the receptionist.

And I said, oh, hello, this table.

And I said, it's for you.

And no one.

So I just find dinners with people I don't know so stressful.

Cause so can i have my meal in the dream restaurant just utterly alone absolutely you can be utterly alone um i have some more questions about this telephone ring situation that i've never heard of before um when there's a phone on every table and people are allowed to leave their tables and you were the only person who didn't get a phone call does that mean that when the guys rang the table they were like hello can i speak to the lady in the yellow dress please hello can i speak to the lady with the brown hair and they were specifically asking for individual individuals yeah no one said can i speak to the podgy frizzy haired woman that's crying?

Oh, it's very stressful.

I didn't realise how stressed I'd get talking about my past restaurant traumas.

Now I'm really worried that anyone listening will go, well, I'm never inviting her to a dinner.

I do like to be a guest.

It just has to be small and with people who are friendly and fancy me.

And everyone else in the restaurant has to fancy you and they have to call you to tell you.

Oh my god, do you know what happened to me once?

I won't tell you his name because you'll know him.

Well then I'd like to know his his name, please.

I'll tell you later.

This comedian took me out to dinner once on a date and he took me to this really lush, fancy French restaurant on the King's Road.

And I went to the loo and when I came back from the loo, the waiter came over with a glass of champagne and the waiter said, this has been sent to you by a secret admirer, right?

Any normal human being would guess that my date had arranged this while I was in the loo.

I thought, oh dear, another man in the restaurant is sent for champagne.

So I've got to make sure I don't make my date feel bad.

So I just enjoyed the champagne.

I said, oh, you know, that's sweet, isn't it?

That's something.

It's probably a perv.

And then on the way out, he goes, Shabby, you do realise that that was me that sent you the champagne.

And I felt so stupid.

I think that's a weird thing to do, though.

Do you think that's a...

Yes, that feels like a move they've done on other dates for a start.

Yeah.

He was quite a bit older than me.

He knew what he was doing.

Okay, now we're narrowing it down.

What do you want as your starter, your dream starter for lunch?

Okay, my dream starter is something that I haven't had enough in my life, but it has to be made in a particular way.

It's jumbo king prawns barbecued by a real Australian.

No fake Australians?

No.

I used to have these Australian neighbours and they were always barbecuing even in the winter and they would hand me plates over the wall and I just was so full of admiration for the way they do food and I just think Australians just don't muck about with food.

They appreciate it, they feed you, they're almost Eastern in the way they need to feed you and they need to feed their guests and I haven't eaten enough barbecued shrimp in my life and I would like lots of garlic on them somehow as well.

So when you said by a real Australian, what's the criteria there?

They've got to be really smiley.

They've got to look good in and out of clothes because that's how I imagine all Australians are.

They just look good in and out of clothes, as we all do, in our own special ways, Ed.

And I would like them to have, oh, God, who am I kidding?

It's a bloke.

Okay, if it's a bloke, he's got to have sandy blonde hair.

just past his ears and if it's a girl she's got to have a really luscious bouncy brown ponytail a really good thick ponytail no makeup really really healthy looking people they are is this what your neighbours look like are you just describing your neighbours yes they this is what they look like and when you say they look good in and out of clothes was that you looking through their window or

I just well I went to the Gold Coast and everyone walked around naked practically and they all looked amazing and they all had like a whole arm tattoo so maybe that as well a sleeve i believe they're just called a sleeve i'd like them to have a tattoo sleeve, please.

I mean, let's drill down into specifics.

What are the tattoos of?

Just happy things.

Like shrimp, like jumbo shrimp.

Shrimp, Barbie,

Kylie,

maybe like a tattoo of Mags from neighbours.

I'm just making everyone who's Australian hate me right now.

But they have no hate in their hearts.

That's the thing about Australians.

They have no hate.

And nothing makes me sadder in Britain when it's a really, really rainy day and and you see a wet Australian.

I just think, oh, you poor little sweetheart, you're out of your natural habitat.

So I think it's our duty to dry them off.

I saw a duck in a road once, and there was nowhere near any pond.

And the duck was like clearly baffled.

Is that the sort of same vibe as a wet Australian?

That's exactly the same vibe.

I saw a duck like that and I called the RSPCA who didn't want to know.

So I put it in my coat and went to one of the big fancy royal parks and released it to the pond and it shat all over my coat and I have to throw the coat away.

I wouldn't do that to an Australian.

I trust them not to shit in my coat.

You wouldn't put an Australian in your coat and like take them to the airport or something.

Not without their consent.

I'd deport them

West Australia.

I don't have the power to deport Australians, but no, I'd certainly dry them off.

Definitely.

Can you tell I miss going to Australia to the festival?

You definitely miss Australians.

This is the first time

in off-menu history where someone has mentioned the food briefly at the beginning and then given a very detailed description on who's cooking it.

Yeah, it's got to be someone that loves you a little bit that cooks for you.

So of all the Australians in the world, what Australian do you think loves you the most?

Probably Judy, who used to be my son's nanny.

I think Judy loves me because she stayed in touch.

I think Tim Minchin's fond of me

because he will cross a room to say hello, even now he's a megastar but I don't think he loves me I think that if I died he'd write an emotional tweet yeah but not a song not a song nah so your your son's old nanny is cooking these shrimp or Tim Minchin is I think my nanny should cook the shrimp because the last time I had shrimp was with her in Australia that wasn't when I was in Melbourne with at the same time as you was it or no the last the the time you were in Melbourne with me I think that was 2014 different nanny yeah but I have got photos of you um cradling my children, which is adorable.

And I've got to tell you this, you two, and I and I'm sure you'll get a lot of parents telling you this because you are the comedy rock stars of this generation.

Correct.

My son is like he's 13, and I was emailing someone whose surname was Gamble.

And he looked over my shoulder and he goes, Oh, is that a relation of Ed Gamble?

I was like, How do you know Ed Gamble?

And he went, Well, he does a podcast with James Acaster.

I was like, Oh my god, they offer menu podcasts.

And he was like, yeah, like, why are you even mentioning that to me?

Because, like, I'm so cool.

I don't want my mother to be in my sphere.

And I went, I'm on that podcast.

Thank you very much.

On Tuesday.

And I tell you, he's lost respect for you both.

Oh, that could have gone either way, couldn't it?

It was never going to be that you gained any of his respect.

Oh, God, no, he's 13.

Absolutely not.

He's never going to watch or listen to anything you two have ever done.

No.

Oh no.

We used to be rock stars, man.

You wouldn't really delve into the jumbo shrimp, but like it doesn't matter.

I wanted to ask how jumbo are we talking?

How big?

Biggest shrimps you can find.

Yeah.

I want them to have eyelashes.

Hey, you.

Driving in your car?

Working in your studio?

Getting your nails done?

Ooh, love that color.

Yes, you.

What if I told you you could be California's newest superhero?

You don't need a fancy Cape X-ray vision or a sidekick.

You just need to sign up for PowerSaver Rewards.

That way, when you save energy during a flex alert, you get a credit back on your energy bill.

Visit powersaverrewards.org and become a super power saver!

Cape's optional.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

So your main course, Yapping, that's the...

Oh, I've struggled with this, I'll be honest with you.

I have struggled with my main course because i'm so into starters um that the main course is always a little bit of a disappointment may i please have

something

really fiddly because i don't like to trough when i'm eating in company i like to have picky foods so maybe a giant pot of mussels with some really skinny chips

i will say the skinny chips is what excites me there because with a pot of mussels as nice as mussels are, they're fiddly and whatever, but the chips, skinny chips with the mussels, are what tips it over the edge so good.

Yeah.

Either just like eating them as they are, the chips, or dipping them in the sauce.

That might be my favourite way to have skinny fries is with a pot of mussels.

And I know we haven't got to drinks, but can it count as a food because it's liquid bread?

Can I have a cold lager with that?

Yeah, look, I reckon so, seeing you've put in the argument of it counting as food because it's liquid bread.

Yeah.

So I won't have bread with my muscles, but I will have a beer instead of bread.

Because it's like a bread smoothie, essentially.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Going off menu.

See?

Yeah.

There you go.

It's the first time someone said it.

How many episodes?

No one's done that.

I've not had mussels in ages.

I'd never really choose them apart from in Edinburgh, there's a restaurant at the bottom of Victoria Street called, I think it's just called Mussels and Steak Restaurant.

I can't remember what it's called, but it was the place when I did Edinburgh as a student when my parents came to visit to watch the show and obviously you're like i've got no money to go to a nice restaurant this is where you've got to take me here and it would always be a bucket of mussels and some skinny fries and that oh god they tasted so good heaven really nice nice to share so now i'm thinking maybe i should have had a companion but but that'll start to stress you out can it be someone i just have a laugh with someone i know really well who I have a friend called Andy who always has interesting, funny things to say.

So

probably him, yeah.

Because we both love food and he's got a really brilliant knowledge of books and films and music.

And he always entertains me with his chat.

In the mussels, what's going on there?

Is it like white wine, garlic?

Garlic, just garlic.

Just garlic.

Just

feed me garlic.

I went to a restaurant in San Francisco once.

Apparently it was a part owned by Madonna.

I can't remember.

It was called, I don't even know if it's still there.

Called The Stinky Rose.

And the idea is to have something with your garlic.

And you sit down at this restaurant and they give you a bowl of mashed garlic that you just spoon into your gob.

But I think you're supposed to get a bit of bread.

I wish I was made of garlic.

I love garlic so much.

Hang on, that's an interesting thing.

Let's dig down into that.

You love garlic so much, you wish you were made of garlic.

I'd bite myself.

How quickly do you think you'd last if you were made of garlic?

I'd have no hands in three seconds.

You go for your hands first.

Hands first.

Terrible, isn't it?

Because I could use my hand to pull my cheeks off.

I think my cheeks would make good garlic because they're quite, you know, quite squashy and baked, you know, nice, not hard garlic.

It's got to be either pickled for at least like three years or it's got to be roasted, mush, mush, mush.

Oh, sometimes I just get a clove of garlic and I roast it as a snack.

I wonder why I don't have a partner.

I stink.

Moving on to your side dish.

Is that your side?

Is it all the garlic from the stinky rose?

Garlic mush, please, served by Madonna.

Thank you.

Madonna's there now.

Yeah.

So we've got Madonna, your Australian friend.

Yeah.

There's a telephone on the table as well.

Telephone on the table.

Oh, there's a call.

There's a call coming through.

It's from some gentleman at another table.

They want to speak to the lady who stinks.

Oh my God, that's me.

All this trauma undone.

Thank you, Ed.

Thank you, Ed.

I needed that.

You were quite excited there because I could see in your eyes you were like, oh, it's going to be for Madonna.

And then

Ed said, the lady who stinks, you were like, oh, what?

Because Madonna doesn't.

I've met Madonna.

She's fragrant.

She smells nice.

Have you met Madonna?

When I say I met her, I was in the toilets with her at the Comedy Awards once, just next to her.

at the sink putting on lipstick.

Did you say anything to Madonna at the sink?

I smiled.

And then Britt Eklund dropped her sunglasses and it was a very packed toilet.

And then someone someone else like accidentally kicked them and I scrambled around the toilet floor getting Britt Eklund's sunglasses and she got them, she put them back on her face and she goes, thank you, and left.

So I spoke to Britt Eklund, we got deep.

Which year was this?

It would have been about 2011-ish or 2012-ish.

I was nominated for something.

So it would have been 2011 because that's when

I used to get nominated for things.

I'm a happier person now.

I'm no longer scrabbling around on the floor picking up celebrities' glasses.

Now you're the person who's dropping your sunglasses on the floor.

And saying, oi, Madonna, get them for me.

Remember who won comedy awards that night?

It was Jo Brand won my category, as she should have done, frankly.

Sarah Millikan, I was sat next to her, the three of us were nominated, and she doesn't drink.

And at the time, I did little else but drink.

And so I just remember it was one of those sort of things where I thought, oh, God, poor woman.

She just sat next to this lush.

And I was just like drinking this champagne.

I was going on about the champagne.

I was like pointing something out to her about it.

And Goldie Horn was on stage.

And she said, how can you be looking at that and not what's going on on stage?

And I just thought, oh, God, she's so professional.

She looks in the right direction.

And then on telly, they showed me necking champagne from the bottle.

I was only mucking about.

I was only being silly.

And I got loads of hate online saying that you think you're really cool necking champagne, but you're not.

Really?

That was the trolling in those days.

In the old days, trolling wasn't as uh harsh, it was like, oh, you thought you were big and clever drinking from the bottle, but I'm here to tell you you're not, Missy, you're not.

Do you know what?

This is, and again, this is how old I've become.

When I see a younger comic be trolled because of something they've said on telly, I get so upset because I properly feel maternal whether they want me to or not saying you feel maternal about young comics if you woke up tomorrow and your actual children were now comedians and two comedians were your children and they've swapped places so your children now have the career of two specific comics and those comics are now your kids what swap would you want to do okay so i would like my son to have Bill Bailey's career and Bill Bailey be my boy.

I didn't know.

I didn't think, well, when you watching the maternal over comics, I didn't think you were going to choose someone older than me.

That's so funny.

Bill Bailey's your little boy.

Okay, that's great.

That's brilliant.

And I'm imagining him the size of a child, but still looking exactly the same.

Definitely, and wearing dungarees.

Okay, and I think that's because I've met Bill Bailey, who's extraordinarily nice.

Now, when you say you've met him, do you mean you

stood next to him at a sink?

And I've met his wife, and she's incredibly lovely.

And I would like my child to do as well in their life partner.

Just to let you know, obviously, you've met his wife and she was lovely, but you are essentially breaking up their relationship with this choice because now...

He's my child.

Now he's your child, yeah.

Can she also be my child?

No, your son's going to be married to Bill Bailey's wife.

Oh, that's bizarre.

And my daughter, I think she would really enjoy Graham Norton's career.

Wouldn't we all?

Yeah, but I think it's a specific thing with Vivi is that she, if she met you two, she would find out everything about your lives from who you were dating if you were married what your favourite colour was uh what your favorite food was and she wouldn't just ask you for the sake of it it would matter to her and and Graeme does that thing as well where he does that uh agony aunt thing on his radio show people ring up problems and and he sort of does the agony aunt bit and I think she would absolutely love that her her greatest thing in life would be to talk to as many people as possible intimately and have a giggle.

So if if I could have Graham Norton as my child, please and give his career to my daughter, thank you.

I'm now raising Bill Bailey and Graham Norton.

Perfect.

We should move on to your favourite drink.

Can I have one alcoholic, one non-alcoholic?

Yeah.

Espresso martini, please.

Thank you.

I love espresso martinis with all my heart.

Whatever's going on in my life that's making me feel feel sad, I think one day I will be standing at a bar with friendly people holding an espresso martini.

That makes me so happy.

Not really, really sad.

I just mean mine are sad.

Like we repotted my plant yesterday and the mud went everywhere because the dogs came in, that sort of sad.

So how quickly from something like that happening?

So the dogs came in, got mud everywhere, how quickly are you going, espresso martini, everything's going to be fine?

Immediately.

Yeah.

Immediately.

As I'm cleaning up and cursing the day I got two massive dogs.

I want an espresso martini.

And it's hard in lockdown because I can't really buy an espresso martini.

I have to go to the supermarket and get one in a can and pour it into the glass from a height so it frosts.

Make your own.

That's what my son said to me.

He said, you can make your own.

And he's promised to make me one.

Which son?

Bill Bailey or Graham?

Bill Bailey.

Make your own espresso martini, huh?

Yeah.

Who was that an impression of, James?

No one.

Oh, no one.

even think i'm not i'm not confident it looked like you were trying to do an impression of graham norton and backed out two seconds

yeah why don't you just try and make your own espresso martini we've got an espresso martini a proper one from a bar not just you pouring a cannon from a height the other drink i would like is something called duk d-o-o-g-h it's the iranian g sound duk and i'm going to choose this because oh god i feel like i'm on desert island discs just to let you know the face james just made um he's now uh obviously thinking about when he has to read the order back at the end um and what an absolute disaster he's going to make of that it's exactly what i'm thinking about it's like dog but duk so not like dog duk

i thought your face james was that face sometimes people put on when they go oh she's talking about her culture

i feel i really feel for sort of you know um i i hate saying white people but i've just said it when like white people pull that have to oh right she's the cultural thing.

Yep, yep, this is my favorite intro.

I love it.

Interesting, intro.

Because if you don't look interested, then you fear that you look racist.

So fear not.

So what I enjoy about dur is that you only like it if you have been raised with it.

It's a, it's not even an acquired taste.

You have to have been fed it as a child.

The most foodie, open-minded people hate it.

It looks like a lassie, like, you know, like the Indian lassie, but nothing like it.

It's salty and it's fermented yogurt, so it's gassy with a bit of mint and like a valley of salt.

And anyone that hasn't been raised with it that drinks it always goes, whoa, it's like it's like sea water.

But it is the most delicious thing, the most refreshing thing.

And so I would like to have a nice glass of dukkh with my meal because I feel that I've added nothing of my Iranian heritage to this sumptuous meal.

And I ought to.

So,

how am I pronouncing this?

It's his only question.

Okay, can you make the sound?

It's a gentle sound at the back of your throat.

I'm pretty sure James is just saying duck in a Geordie accent at this point.

Well, that's a step forward.

I've never been able to do a Geordie accent before, so this is helping me.

James, can you also, this is like, because my proper name is

sound?

Say durk micham.

Durk, durk, durk, micham.

Micham.

Durk micham.

There.

I want some dukk.

Say lotfan, otherwise you sound rude.

Lot van.

Lot van?

Lot van.

Durk micham.

Durchme micham.

Oh my god.

You sound just like my dad.

That's amazing.

James trying to do accent is the most vulnerable you'll ever see him.

Yep.

Especially in this situation where he doesn't want to upset anyone, he doesn't want to offend anyone.

And he's just so quietly, quiet, not leaning into it.

Just, I'm so sorry.

It's so apologetic, so vulnerable.

It's really sweet.

It's adorable.

You were really enjoying it, Ed.

I can see you on the screen really laughing into your hand.

Because you always extend an arm as well.

I wish people could see that.

You always extend an arm like you're doing Shakespeare because you're offering out, you're offering Shappy.

You're just like, please,

please, Shappy.

It's like I'm trying to pick something up from the air, like a radio, look at it, like an aerial, like it may be the language will just like, you know,

you know what, James, you're you're one of those ultra, ultra nice people that's so wanting not to offend anyone.

That if I made you an Iranian meal, as I have done many times for my um non-Iranian friends, of say khore sha gheimeh, oh, there's another kha anka, khoresha gheimeh, and gheime has got um dried, you put about six or seven dried limes in it for the flavour.

It's amazing.

No human being eats the dried limes, but you would be the guy sort of quietly trying to dig your fork and your knife into something as tough as a rhino's hide because you're too bashful to say, am I meant to eat this or do I leave it on the side?

You leave it on the side, James.

Never eat dried lime.

I would eat it.

I would eat the dried lime and say thank you and ask for seconds.

Can I have some more dried lime, please?

Put my arm out.

You'd be chewing it for three days.

What's James doing?

Haven't heard from him for a while.

He's chewing dried lime.

It's third down.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did, because you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus, you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

And that's on multitasking.

So we're not saying that Instacart is a hack for game day, but it might be the ultimate play this football season.

Enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees apply.

For three orders in 14 days.

Excludes restaurants.

Instacart, we're here.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy.

Next time, check Lyft.

We now get to the dessert, my favourite course of them all.

But you said that starters were your favourite, which has made me a little bit trepidatious right now.

I've got some trepidation.

But you must be ready for something.

Are you ready for something sweet now?

Because you've just had something very salty, right?

Yeah, and very garlicky.

Yeah.

So here's what I would like for my pudding, and it's got to be exactly what I'm describing, please.

I would like chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce pudding from 1980s school dinners served by a proper 1980s dinner lady.

Here we go.

Strapping, classic chappie.

She's about to describe exactly who's serving it to her.

Yes, so she's very kind.

Her name is Edie.

She's got a sleeve tattoo of a ladle.

She's got all her kids and her grandkids have been to Montpelier School, school I went to, and she's got a massive dish of the chocolate sauce and she always gives me, she always gives me an extra helping with a little bit of a wink because she says because i bet you don't have food like this at home do you

she was adorable ed isn't her real name great you've invited racist to your mail no it's not racist it's not racist it's adorable it's the 1980s

She, yeah, bless her, she'd always say that, I bet, because the thing is, Iranian food isn't spicy, spicy, it's not hot, it's more like Greek or Turkish food.

And so she'd always give me a little extra helping.

And she was right.

We never had like puddings at home we had like Iranian sweets but we did or chocolate we didn't have puddings and that chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce as a child was the entire point of school for me so it's like the yeah like school dinner chocolate cake my memory of it the sponge is by itself it's just so dry you could never you couldn't eat that by itself at all So you've just got to cover it in that custard and then it's...

Mother it, yeah.

And then it's nice.

And now, you see, I find it's, I live a lot of my life through my daughter.

So, my daughter, Vivi, is like a version of me, but so much better.

Well, she's good, she's got her own chat show, yeah.

She's got her own chat show, and also she's really open about her love of chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce.

Like, she will only have school dinners.

She asks to see, this is what it's like at schools now.

The kids ask to see the menu because they have the same menu.

And she goes, Okay, I'm going to have school dinners on this day and this day.

The rest of the time, you make me pack lunch because this day I've got chocolate sauce and chocolate sponge, and this day I've got, like, whatever else I like.

And also, you know what else my daughter did?

So, at school, my dream was to be Mary because that was the main part in the nativity play.

And I was never Mary, I was a shepherd.

And one year, Shepherd called Sandy.

Shepard called, oh, don't.

No, this is a good idea.

She calls Sandy there.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, this is Shepard Court Sandy.

Do you not think that I went through all of this at school?

Apologies.

Apologies.

So the teacher said Mary was from the Middle East, right?

And so we're going to have someone that looks Middle Eastern play Mary this year.

And you know, when you think it's your name,

it's like in the have you seen Zulander?

Yeah.

When he so thinks he's one that they say his name and he doesn't even hear it.

It was like that.

It was exactly, I can't watch Zulander again because of that.

They said it is Natasha Behruzi.

And Natasha Behruzi was only half Iranian and I was a shepherd once again.

But do you know who was Mary in my daughter's school nativity?

My daughter.

I was the only parent that stood up and applauded at the end just going eat shit you bastards and yeah

I ruined it.

I ruined the play for all the children.

They were crying.

The donkey left.

It was horrible.

But my daughter was Mary and that to date after 20 years of doing stand-up was the greatest moment in my career was when my daughter was married yeah oh god have i shared too much no perfect perfect amount i want to read your menu back to you now shappy see how you feel about it okay you would like sparkling water you're having bread for poppenhams or bread we didn't even go into what what bread that would be oh oh just a really bog standard baguette please a bog standard baguette i'll write that down Starter, Jumbo King prawns barbecued by a real Australian, brackets, your nanny.

My old nanny, thank you.

The old nanny.

Main course, giant pot of mussels with skinny chips with a cold lager.

Side dish, mush garlic from the stinky rose, served by Madonna.

Drink, a espresso martini slash duk.

Perfect, you did it perfectly, yeah.

Dessert, chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce pudding from 1980s school dinners served by Edie, the 1980s dinner lady.

Thank you, yeah.

Now for someone who said at the beginning you wanted to have this meal alone,

loads of people turning up, aren't they?

I hate being alone.

It's really rubbish.

I suffer in company sometimes, but I also really hate being alone.

So, yes, I have, haven't I?

I've got people in.

But they're making cameos in the meal, right?

So you never feel like you're stuck in a situation.

They're just, they're in and out, bit of fun, and then they're gone again.

Yeah, but you know, also, I'm actually thinking, oh, God,

after the time I've spent with you guys doing this, I'm actually thinking I might quite like you guys to be my children.

Is it too late to change that?

No, I know.

Bill Bailey and Graham Norton.

I'm sure they'll be very happy to go back to their careers.

Your children will be hosting this.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think that you're

really nice, well-rounded people.

And I think that my children would enjoy your lives.

Me and James would love to be brothers, actually.

Yeah, we'd be pretty good brothers.

Well, thank you for coming into the game,

Shappy.

My pleasure.

Thank you so much, Shappy.

There we have it, James.

The Off Menu menu of Chaparat Corsandi.

Wow, what a menu.

So many tales as well.

It was a pleasure to talk to Chaparat.

What an amazing episode of Off Menu.

Another goal for the boys.

James actually isn't here.

He just records some lines that we're playing in now, some sort of general outro lines, and then I react to them.

So another goal for the boys.

It's been a pleasure, Ed.

What a great episode.

Benito, you plonker.

There we go.

That's the classic.

That fits all episodes.

Chaparac did not say bergamot.

Thank the lord because we wanted to keep her there.

And you know what?

What a lovely old time.

Go and see Chaparac on tour.

It was the 90s is the name of her tour.

It starts in October, so go and buy tickets for that.

And her book, Kissing Emma, is published on the 2nd of September, James.

Buy it now.

Available in all good bookstores.

Just go to the internet and pick yourself up a coffee.

Carston, Carston, Carston Press.

I'm a little baby and I drink it from the brace.

That's one of the ones we should have got James to re-record when he says, go to the internet and pick yourself up a coffee.

It's quite specific to people releasing coffees.

So thank you very much to Chaparak for coming on the podcast.

My tour is called Electric.

It's on sale, edgamble.co.uk, starts in February.

Go to it.

Thank you.

Thank you from me, Ed Gamble, and thank you from James Acuster.

AKA, Simple Square.

Hello, it's Harry Hill here, and I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise.

Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound and then at some point during the podcast, I make a noise.

Now,

when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise, and you'll get lulled into it, and then I'll make the noise, and it'll be really funny.

I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it?

But

believe me,

you're going to really love it.

So, why don't you subscribe now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and ACAST.

It's called Harry Hill's Noise and it's coming soon.

You check your feed.

and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.