Ep 113: Asim Chaudhry

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Taking the flour of conversation, adding the yeast of humor, letting it prove on the internet, and baking a wonderful podcast experience.

Hmm.

It's not the exact recipe for bread.

Please don't take that, write all that down and try and bake bread.

There's some other stages.

That's how you make waffles.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how you make waffles, man.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

I didn't know you had to prove like waffle recipe or anything.

Huh?

Didn't know you had to prove it if you're doing waffles.

Yeah, yeah.

You've always got to prove it.

otherwise, people won't believe you.

Right, okay, you don't know anything.

What is this podcast, James?

This is the off-menu podcast.

We've got a dream restaurant.

I'm a genie, Ed is the proprietor, and Maitre D.

And

we welcome a guest into the dream restaurant every week and ask them their favorite ever-starter main course, side dish, drink, and dessert in that order.

And this week, our guest is Asim

Chowdhury.

Asin Chowdhury, wonderful actor, writer, comic.

You probably know him from People Just Do Nothing.

He plays Chibuddy G.

He's very funny.

He is so funny, and People Just Do Nothing is so funny.

The People Just Do Nothing film big in Japan is out next week.

We're very excited to see it.

Very excited.

I love People Just Do Nothing Ed.

I think it's hilarious.

I think Chibuddy G is such a funny character.

I'm very excited to have Asim on the podcast.

Yes, indeed.

Can't wait to find out his dream menu.

But if he says a special ingredient, which we have decided upon, he will be kicked out of the dream restaurant, even though he's got a film coming out next week, James.

And the secret ingredient this week is peanut

dust.

Peanut dust.

Peanut dust, for those of you who watch People Just Do Nothing will know.

Chibuddy G is an entrepreneur, always coming up with different things, wheeling and dealing.

And one of the things, in the very first episode...

He comes up with peanut dust.

He's trying to sell people just the dust from the peanut packets.

I think it's a good idea.

Comes up a few times throughout the series.

Every now and again, a little peanut dust reference.

The fans have really latched onto it.

So we're thinking maybe Asim's going to be tempted to play to the fans on this one.

And if he is, he chooses peanut dust.

He's out.

We're going to punish him for it.

Even though, James, I genuinely think it's a good idea and I would buy it.

Yes.

I know you would buy it.

Would you use it?

You sprinkle it on stuff or have it.

As a condiment.

I'd use it as a condiment.

I'd occasionally just knack a bit of it.

I think it'd be great.

Sometimes I use a powdered peanut butter, which sounds like a similar idea.

Right.

Yeah.

Is that spreadable?

What's that?

You mix it with water.

Oh, okay.

To make peanut butter.

Yeah.

It's just like powdered peanut butter.

It's like lower in fat and I can basically make loads of it and

not feel sick afterwards.

Always surprising me Ed.

You know, everyone everyone should out there, you all deserve to have a friend like Ed.

You just you never fully know the man.

Yeah, it's you know, some people like talk about, oh, you always surprise me when you talk about like layers of personality or, you know, oh, that's something I didn't know about you, an interesting backstory.

With me, it's like sometimes I use powdered peanut butter yes I didn't know you added peanut powder to water and made yourself some peanut butter very exciting well Ed

should we start the episode yes I think we should start the episode enjoy the off-menu menu of Asim Chowji

Welcome Asim to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Asim Chowji to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I know.

So, what happened there?

Was that an explosion?

Yes.

Yes.

It was.

Oh.

James is a genie

and he exploded out of his lamp, I'd imagine.

Right, okay.

Just be careful doing explosion noises around me.

I don't want the government thinking because how I look, brown with a beard, walking to a restaurant and you going,

I could get shot.

All right.

So be a very abrupt end to the podcast.

So you're worried that someone from the government is going to hear the explosion, run into the dream restaurant and they're going to look round and you're the first guy they're going to be like it must have been ass yeah and exactly and sometimes before i say i'm not a religious man but sometimes before i eat i do say a little bismillah which means blessed bless and if i say that combined with a bomb blast come on it could be it could get a bit weird all right so do you think that level of prejudice is so ingrained that if the government ran in and they saw you and a genie next to a smoking lamp that they'd still assume you were the cause of the noise yeah they'll still blame me also Also, I like that.

I like that James is wearing a blue t-shirt, literally looking like a genie.

Yeah, he is today, aren't I?

This is the most genie.

I mean, this is genie blue, this t-shirt.

This is genie blue.

I don't think anyone's described blue as genie blue.

I like that.

Yeah, that's absolutely popular.

Authentic genie blue.

I'm quite happy with this.

It's a new t-shirt, Ed, and I thought I'd get a compliment from you today about it.

You haven't said anything?

Ask him, though.

Well, I've not said anything.

It looks quite similar vibe to a lot of your other t-shirts.

Is that fair?

Probably the fairest thing you've ever said to me.

so i didn't assume it was new but it's very nice you i mean you've got your style and i think you're working it well done you thank you yeah asim you bought any new t-shirts lately well actually i i i haven't i used to make well i used to make t-shirts no i didn't i had a weird phase i'm quite an obsessive man right and when i get into something i really geek out on it and i was really for some reason i was really obsessed with that come down with me episode you know the guy who's like dear lord yeah what a sad little life life

yeah you have all the grace of a reversing dump truck that guy yeah yeah yeah exactly i'm not wearing boxes but i'll show you in a minute but

yeah sorry no no um but that sounded weird but yeah so i was really obsessed with it like to a point where

like i knew i knew it was yeah i know i am wearing boxes sorry i meant i'm only wearing boxes

and then i said i'll show you in a minute

yeah that sounded so creepy but i'm sorry guys no no i am just only wearing boxes i was about to stand up and show you something okay I thought you were going to be our first guest to be Winnie the Poohing it during the record.

How's that?

You're good.

He got his dick out in the first five minutes.

We're talking about become diamond me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So anyway, I was really obsessed with that whole moment.

And I don't know why.

Like, and I know it was already, I knew about it before, but I really, really got into it.

And then I was like analyzing it.

And I did like a YouTube breakdown video.

And this was during lockdown as well.

So I was like, I've started a vlog that I like quit after three Fs.

And I started a podcast that I quit.

I started doing Twitch streaming that I fucking couldn't be bothered with.

I'm like that.

Like I get into something and I just give up.

Anyway, so before this, I was on holiday before lockdown and I was in the jacuzzi and I sprained my ankle.

So basically for two days, I was just inside the hotel.

And then I just obviously was watching stuff.

And then I, then I was on Photoshop and I just made a design of...

the come dine with me guy his face and then the other people in the background and it says like you know enjoy the money jane or something like that oh no no no no sorry it says i can't remember what it says enjoy the money jane and it was just a really cool design.

And I put it on Twitter like as a joke.

I was like, bored as fuck, whatever.

And it went viral.

And everyone was like, okay, where can we buy this?

And I went, no, no, no.

I'm not.

I don't sell t-shirts.

Like, I'm an actor.

I don't, that's, that's not my profession.

I'm not in the fashion industry, but I had to make them.

So I got them designed.

And, you know, they went, it went mental.

And then it then became this whole thing where like the actual Jane from the episode, she wanted one and she got into my DMs and she started like basically having a go at me being like, You got it all wrong.

Because I analyzed it so deeply that I actually realized that

Peter, the guy, the dear lord guy, he was actually the victim, really, a hundred percent.

Like, so for people who don't know about this moment on Come Dime with me, it's when at the end, Jane has won, and Peter, whose house the last episode was in, thought he'd got it in the bag, didn't, and he takes it very badly, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's reading the results, he gets out the paper, and he says, and in fourth place, it's me,

And then he looks, he scrolls up and he sees that Jane's won.

And then he goes, congratulations, Jane.

You've won.

And then it just starts the most, it's just the way he delivers it as well.

They're kind of, dear Lord.

What a sad little life.

It was just, and then, you know, you have all the grace and decorum of a reversing dump truck without any tires on.

It's so good.

It's poetry.

Like, how the fuck do you come up with that?

So anyway, I became obsessed with that.

I made the t-shirts.

They went viral.

I even, okay, now I'm going to stand up.

Hold on, let me pull my box.

Here you go.

Oh, you're not going going to see you're not going to see here it comes um and then during the vlog thing i did i even got my girlfriend to do a painting of uh that is a brilliant painting that's exactly like him that's so exactly and she made his eye and his eye red yeah like some terminator kind of dude

um so anyway i had a really weird obsession with it but then it came full circle like i said when the jane from the actual episode attacked me and came in with my dms you don't know anything he was a fucking nightmare you don't know you know and then and then we became friends and then i sent her a t-shirt and then i've got a picture of the actual Jane wearing the t-shirt, and then the voiceover guy wanted one, so then I became like it came full circle, and now I'm over it.

Yeah, now I'm done with it.

You say that you get into stuff and then you give it up.

It sounds like that ended appropriately, right?

You followed that through as far as you possibly could.

I think so.

Yeah, I'm very, I'm content with it now.

Like, I'm done with it, like, you know, like, I mean, obviously, if someone brings it up, I will have a chat about them.

I'll talk about the, you know, the very complex politics of it all and the social dynamics because I found it fascinating.

fascinating you know i did a whole breakdown video on youtube and not for like just for myself like it wasn't for i wasn't being like yeah this is going to be great content

the content this was therapy for myself to get over this obsession and now i think i'm over it but i was considering making a musical or something about it like uh yeah do you know what i mean like basing something on it because i do think it's so brilliant it doesn't doesn't sound like you're over it to be honest if you're if you're considering uh funding a musical i'm like the cookie monster but my cookies are like come dine with me

yeah yeah you said that you had to make loads of t-shirts.

Did you make loads of t-shirts or did you lock Steve's in a garage and make him make them and then let him out in the morning?

And paid him a dinner.

No, I should have, to be fair.

No, I actually just got

the same people who do our corrupt FM merch.

I was going to do it.

Did a little brief reference to people just do nothing there.

Films coming out big in Japan.

It's very exciting.

What can people expect from it?

I think, you know what?

It's one of those, I'm really, really proud of it.

And I've only become proud of it recently because I kind of forgot we made a film because we made it at the end of 2019, like right before Corona hit.

We were very lucky in Japan.

Then obviously, you know, the world went to shit, cinema shut.

So the film has been ready for like a year.

I've seen it a million times, giving notes on every meticulous, you know, every meticulous detail.

So I kind of, I'm sick of it, right?

But I let it, you know, you know what it's like when you work on something, you know, it stops even becoming a thing anymore.

It's like, it just becomes weird.

Then I obviously, I haven't even seen it for like four or five months now.

It's just been sitting there.

But now like these pre-screenings have been going out and some film reviewers and whatever influencers have been seeing.

And people have been telling me, Oh, we really love it, and all that.

So, I'm really excited.

And tomorrow, we've got like a cast and crew and friends and family screening tomorrow at Leicester Square, which is like going to be 300 people.

And I'm actually quite nervous and excited, but also because my mum and my dad, they're both divorced, and they haven't seen each other for like God knows how long, like maybe 10, 12 years.

And they're both coming.

Like, my dad's, you know, bringing his, his, his, his wife and his kids, and my mum's bringing her kid.

And like, it's going to be weird, but it's kind of sweet in a way.

Because, like, I said to my mum, is it like, is it gonna be weird?

Like, you're gonna see dad, and like, you know, my stepmom, and all that.

She was like, and also, like, I've got friends who are coming who some of them haven't spoken for years, some have got friction, some have got beef.

And then everyone just said to me, Look, fuck all that.

This is we're here for you today.

Do you know what I mean?

So it's quite sweet, but I am quite nervous because, like I said, my mum and I don't know what's going to fucking pop off.

You know what I mean?

It might be maybe your parents will get back together.

Is there still a shot 20 years later?

Maybe you guys will give it another shot yeah we'll go to disney world again the lights come up at the end of the film and they're on the back row getting off with each other what a

oh my god that would be hilarious i'd love that you know you're joking about that i would love that though the little the little kid in me is like yeah mom and dad get back together it was weird and i remember when my parents used to argue back in the day because they used to argue so much which is which is why divorce is a great option sometimes because they were clearly not right for each other and as an adult you fully understand that you know but but i remember we used to have this thing which is really sweet and quite pathetic but when they used to fight i remember i used to get a little twig and wrap a tesco bag around it like a white flag and i used to run in the room and just wait

oh that is like the most heartbreaking thing i've ever heard in my life i know i know but yeah anyway it's going to be fun i'm really proud of the film i think because it's in japan

in Tokyo, it's got a cinematic feel, so it feels big.

Like literally, you could point a potato in Japan, you know, it's shit camera and it would still look epic.

Like, you know the place is insane so it's cinematic it feels big but at the essence of it it's literally it's the same humor it's the same tone the characters feel the same you know it's a fish out of water story it's a story about friendship and i've always said this the thing i kind of envy about like people like chibudi right like you know obviously he's my my character but i do envy him because you see me i'm not content in my life you know i always want more i want to be you know i want to have be more successful i want to be do more things i want to write more films do more TV shows like I'll never it'll never be enough for me right but Chibuddy grinder beats these they're all content in their little shit world do you know what I mean and I think there's something really sweet in that and I think like Chibuddy doesn't want to have competition and compete with the other businessmen he wants to be the only entrepreneur in the bloody place you know what I mean he wants to be number one yeah I'm looking forward to it a lot it was one of the things that uh I'm behind on so many uh UK sitcoms and during lockdown I just binged all of people just do nothing and I'm very excited to to watch the film meeting I've been I've been quoting it a lot around the flat James if you get really obsessed with people just do nothing you can make your own t-shirts I can make a t-shirt genie blue t-shirt

so we always start with still a sparkling water on the podcast yeah do you have a preference I you know what okay look we're all grown-ups here right yes I like a sparkling water I do I'm not gonna lie when I was a kid no fucking chance you know it's basically like oh it's like a fizzy drink without the flavor you know I mean it's pointless um so i'm partial to a little sparkling water but only on holiday is that weird no but let's do let's dig into it it doesn't feel weird but i i want to know the reason so is it when you're abroad there's just something different about your palette or does it feel like a special occasion it's everything i'm a different person when i'm abroad i'll wear things that i would never wear like look i bought these shorts the other day yeah but i wouldn't wear these in real life

Asim is holding up some shorts.

He's not shown us his box of shorts that he was wearing.

So, I mean, I'm just a different person on the day.

I feel free.

I feel like there's no one judging me.

I feel, and also like the fact that, you know, like I play a comedy character that's mental and he wears leopard skin and he's a ridiculous human being.

So me in real life, I'm quite toned down.

I wear black.

I'm a bit more like low-key.

So on holiday, I feel like I would have a sparkling water.

You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

So I would, and I do feel like, you know, when they say still a sparkling, you go.

sparkling it just makes me feel good as well it makes me feel kind of so do you want this dream meal to be on holiday no but i don't want it to be on holiday because a lot of aspects of my meal are very home-based and stories and family and friends attached to it so i don't think it i'm just saying a holiday version of me will have sparkling water but can i just say one thing though that i hate and this is not a diss to the brand or whoever make it but you know still like yesterday i was on a show and they gave me that water in a can still

that's a new thing isn't it yeah it doesn't it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right coming even if you know it's still water you take a sip and there's no fears it just tastes weird you feel like you've been let down it weirds you out it's kind of like a dream you know where you can't punch someone but you're punching them and it's not hitting all like you know you you can't come have you had those ones before

and it just does come up have you had that and you like when you're about to when you're about to climb that and just

like you don't get you just get a little you don't have that one me neither me neither me neither now that's weird man fucking hell freaks

yeah anyway so

moving on

But you know what I mean?

Just an unjust no climax.

A frustrating dream.

Yeah.

And then you gut powder come and then dust comes out and a genie comes out of your dick.

Yeah.

You come out.

I come out, explosion.

Cops come in, shoot us both.

Yeah.

You've got a boner.

I've got a boner, yeah.

And one of my three wishes are, I wish for sparkling water.

Because this water in a can is not doing it for me.

Let's go with sparkling water.

Holiday or not holiday?

Because I would still have it here.

But on holiday, I don't know why, always sparkling water do you want to for the sparkling water do you want to change into the shorts and then you can change back into your more normal clothes for the rest of the meal is that a do you yes please yes

thank you great okay and you want anything in that sparkling water you want you want ice cubes you want lime you want i have an ice and a lime please i like a bit of lime in my water why why does it edge it over the lemon lemon i don't want a lemonade you know i i i i just feel like lemon is is there's a big difference between lemon and lime you know some people like oh whatever it's not it's very different i feel absolutely.

And I love lime.

I love the flavour of lime.

I'm with you.

So, yeah, water and lime.

You want a wedge, not a slice.

I'm assuming.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wedge.

Yeah, yeah.

Definitely.

What's the point of a slice?

Because the wedge, you can get in there and you can pick the wedge up and you can squeeze it and then you can get it to the right strength.

A wedge, you can't squeeze a slice, can you?

No, it squeezes a slice.

It's messy.

Pop-adoms or bread.

Pop-adoms or bread, Asam Chowdhury.

Popadoms or bread.

Yeah.

God, I feel like poppadoms or bread is quite random as well.

I would say pop-adoms, and that's not me being a stereotype.

That's me just saying, I like pop-adoms.

And when I was younger, actually,

in my drama class, I was very naughty.

I wasn't naughty.

I was, you know, I was a good kid.

I was a good kid.

I was just very, I was very hyper.

Like, I'm sure you guys were, you know, like in terms of like funny guys, we always want attention and we always do.

So I was a bit, you know, challenging.

But my drama teacher absolutely fucking hated me.

Like, you know, one of those teachers that like, if you breathe, you get a detention.

You know what I mean?

It's just like, she just didn't like the cut of my gym and i didn't like the cut of her gym and um i remember one day in one lesson that my mate threw a rubber at her head right classic and she turned around and she yeah um i remember i told this story in america once and they thought i was talking about a condo they're like you feel the first time

i was like no a rubber is an eraser we call it and she turned around she saw it was me and she just was fuming it wasn't me but obviously i'm no snitch i'm not going to be like it was him obviously i took the rap for it and she kicked me out of the drama class right this was gcse as well she kicked me out and she said all All right, Asim, she went, You need to earn your grade back.

And I went, All right, she went, You need to come in on time, you need to dah, blah, blah.

And I went, I didn't.

I really tried hard for the next like six months.

I came in on time, I wasn't being naughty.

I helped my group with their final production.

This is where the poppadom began.

I was gonna say, I wrote it, I directed it.

I gave myself a tiny part because I thought, you know, I might not get graded here.

So it was called the Popadom Father, and it was, it was like, it was like the Asian version of The Godfather, and it was really

fucking good.

Like it was funny, sweet.

It was about, you know, you come to this day for my daughter's wedding.

And he was eating popadoms.

And, you know, it was fucking ridiculous.

And there was like, you know, shooting going on and like lusty flying everywhere.

You know, I went to school in Hounslow.

So it was like, you know, very Asian.

Yeah.

And then at the end of it, like.

I was like, okay, I think I've really done a good job here.

I hope I get a grade.

I hope I get a GCSC, right?

Even my whole group, they wrote a letter to the teacher saying, look, we think Adam's deserved it.

He's done great.

She still didn't grade me.

So I basically left school with a you in gcsc and then i quit any kind of drama acting for years because i thought oh i'm not good enough or it really disheartened me and then for years i didn't do anything i went into like you know like film and media and you know script writing and all behind the camera because it really knocked my confidence and it's amazing like how how powerful teachers can be like a great teacher you'll never forget and a shit like and i still am not over that like i still think she did me so wrong you know i'm the same man i've got a teacher like that every time I think about her, I get absolutely furious still.

And you want to go up to her as an adult and say everything that you were mature enough to be able to like articulate when you were that age.

Exactly, exactly.

And I think deep down, like, you know, she's probably seen me in doing stuff and all that.

Like, I was very tempted to go up to after the BAFTA and be like, dear Lord.

What a sad little line.

You ruined my drama, GCSC, so you can have the money.

No, no, I'm joking.

I am kind of over it, but I know what you mean, mean jay i still get a little bit kind of frustrated and sad because i do think it's important and i think teachers they should recognize like i was a good kid i was a creative kid who clearly had a lot of good ideas okay i might be a bit of a but you need to get like they're kids we're kids you know what i mean like on the complete flip side my english teacher absolute legend he used to listen to my old rap songs and he used to like talk about hip-hop with me you know he would know when i'd come in thinking of weed he would be like he would just always chat to me and he's still my friend today till this day we're still mates So, that goes to show you.

And he gave me all the confidence in the world to be a writer, to you know, English I loved and playing with the language, and very nurturing as a, you know, I mean, as a teacher, that's what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to nurture these kids and give them a chance, man.

And I was still a little dickhead, but you know, so just the flip side, and it goes to show you how important teaching is.

Um, it can change, it could shape a kid's life, you know.

I don't think we've ever had as

open,

in-depth, and uh, earnest, and vulnerable answer to Popadoms or Bread ever.

And I absolutely love that answer, really lovely answer.

But I'll be honest, Asim, the whole time you were talking there, I wanted to ask more questions about the plot of the Poppadom father.

Yeah, yeah, I obviously want to know what happens in the Popadom father.

Well, I know that we, um, I remember when it started, I did the but like in an Indian, I was like,

anyway, the doubler came and

it was amazing, I'm telling you.

You come to the day of my daughter.

I remember we used to say aux when we were younger.

We used to say, not ask.

We used to go axe me for this.

When I was younger, I used to say,

I don't know why.

I think it was like a class thing.

If you were working class and foreign, you would say aux.

And we also used to say crips instead of crips.

When I was a kid, I used to go, oh,

axe your mum for some cribs.

Oh, sorry,

and the W's and V's were all over them.

Oh, I really want Sort and Winnie.

Oxford Axe mom for some cribs.

She won't give it to me, but she'll give it to you, Oxa, for cribs.

And we had all of that in the popadum barlow.

It was great.

Was there ever a take on the horse's head in the bed thing?

Did you do your version of that?

No, we didn't.

No, we didn't get to.

I remember we were discussing that, and it was going to be

a dog instead, but it was just, we didn't really have the props for it.

And then we wanted someone to play the dead dog.

And this one guy was like, oh, what?

So I'm going to play the dead dog and have no lines.

He was like, he took it as a bit of a slap.

So we just kind of left that bit.

What part were you?

You said you gave yourself a small part do you remember i was a cleaner i just i came in one scene and just sweeped up something and then left and it wasn't even you that threw the rubber this is what's really upsetting me about this all of this was for no reason because it who threw the rubber has him it was my mate it was my mate nit okay now we can say names we can say names it's not snitching because it's no no but you know what it wasn't just the rubber incident i was always used to come in late i was always stoned i was always like trying to chat up a girl not listen i was a dickhead but i loved it though i loved drama like it was one of the lessons where i wouldn't bunk yeah like you know i was known notoriously known as a bunker in school.

I even got an award and always late.

I got an award at the end of school, an ironic award called the Early Bird Award because I was always late or bunking.

Never got caught bunking though.

That's one thing I'm proud of.

Congrats.

Never ever got caught.

It was all just allegations.

So I used to come into the morning, sign in to register.

fuck off because i went to this school with houser called heathlands and we our school was behind a massive heath yeah so it was very easy to bunk and we used to build like little communities in the heath like i remember we used to get sofas and little cages and like sleep there sometimes, like session all night.

It was an amazing place.

So, I was very clever about my bunking.

I'd come in, sign in, vanish for the periods I don't want to do, the ones I haven't done my coursework for, then come back for the DOS lessons, like drama, like art, you know, the bullshit lessons, German, you know,

the ones no one gave a shit about, you know.

Um, so no, I was a little shit 100%, but I didn't deserve that, yeah, yeah.

Well, even it sounds like even when you were bunking off, you put a lot of work into it because you built a whole makeshift village,

some underground, like post-apocalyptic ready player one like total recovery.

Yeah, it was like that.

We we used to name the spots as well.

Like, there was one place that we found an old Christmas tree, and we, um, on Christmas Eve, actually, we all met up and we put this Christmas tree and we decorated it with Rizla and drug bags, and that became Eve.

And so, then, forever, that's that's a still a spot in Howlslow.

Like, if you're in the park and you go, I meet you at Eve, me and my boys will know where to meet up.

We'll move on to your main meal now.

You're starting with your starter, your dream starter.

Okay, so I don't know if you guys know what Barney Budi is.

Oh, what they are?

Or they're also called Golgappe.

Oh, yes,

chickpea.

They're little chickpea things, yeah?

One of the best starters you can have.

And actually, but I have a different way of doing it, right?

So, like, normally, so what they are, they're just like a little kind of huff pastry, I'd say, right?

And then inside there, you fill, you fill it with like these kind of lentils, kind of like jana lentils and onions and all this amazing, like tamarind sauce.

It's amazing.

And you have to crack it open, and then you also put a tamarind water water in there and that's what barney is barney means water and then you kind of eat all of but i've got a new way of doing it so you get a shot glass right and you put the the barney in right you put the kind of tamarind water into the the glass then you put your little pastry on top right you eat the pastry and then you do the shot in one yeah movement in one little motion and it kind of makes like all the kind of muslim boys who want allowed to drink they like doing it because it feels like oh yeah i mean i'll be thumbrake doing shots you know what i mean it makes it feel a bit naughty a bit haram you know So yeah, I'd go for that.

And the taste is incredible.

I love that because whenever I've had those in the past, you put it all in the thing and then you bite down on it and there's a bit of liquid loss when you crunch down on it.

But with your system, you don't lose anything.

And also the build is quite long as well.

Like, you know, you have to get the thing, you've got to crack it open.

You've got to put one bit in, put another bit in, then fill the water in.

It's a good, you know, a minute and a half before you eat the fucking thing.

So I'm like, pre-prepare all of them, put them on top of the shot glasses and just go mental, mate.

Love it.

You know what I mean?

Shots, shots, shots.

Yeah, love it.

Do you think you could extend it and maybe put some of the elements maybe on your hand to

lack it off, do the shot, pop it in your mouth?

Yeah.

Very nice.

I like that.

I will add that to the agenda.

How many are you having for a starter?

I think, obviously, I'm a bit of a big boy, but I reckon I could do five.

But I think three or four is acceptable.

I think it's, you don't want to fill yourself up too much.

Also, it's a beautiful taste, but it is quite a strong taste.

You don't want that to dominate your palate.

You know what I mean?

You might need a little palate cleanser after a little mouge boug maybe you know something to get rid because it's quite a potent it's lovely but it's very strong so yeah i think three to five is perfect what would you have as a palate cleanser good question i mean what what are what what are normal palate cleansers like i'm not really sure because i like is it normally something lemony like a like a sorbet or something they use sorbet quite a lot of thing but i've always found that quite weird because i find sorbet quite a taste like it doesn't clean my palate it's just like having a dessert innit so it's a bit weird to have in the the middle of a meal maybe a little mouthwash then yeah you could

an anti-mouthwash a real panic cleanser yeah i don't know just i don't know the sixth shot that you line up could be a shot of mouthwash yeah

yeah what do you mouthwash

so it goes straight after the gold goppers on the top and you got the yeah mouthwash beneath it and then bam

yeah exactly done because you spit it back out as well if you want it to jump after have you ever tried boozy ones boozy mouthwash well no

of a starter have you ever been like oh it says a tamarind water maybe i'll have a little bit of booze no it's i don't yeah you know what i i don't know what lick what spirit would go with it but yeah i feel like you could try that that's a that's a you know the thing is do you have spicy alcohol though like you know you can get like you can get spice because you can get like what's their picantes oh they're a bit spicy yeah i guess you can get like chili vodka or chili tequila or something like that i'm sure oh actually i've had i've had peri peri whiskey before which is fucking lethal from the from nando from nando's yeah nando sent me some periperi whiskey and it was fucking lethal i've actually got i've not had i've not tried that yet i didn't dare try that i think i've got a bottle of it downstairs so that's that's yeah it's it's it's pretty lethal mate it's hot it's quite it good if you i feel like it'd be good if you had a sore throat though uh-huh you know what i mean i think it'll be good for you but it's quite out there but no yeah alcoholic um Gorgupa, I think that could be a thing.

Where is it on the Nando scale?

This Peri Perry whiskey?

Is it like hot, very hot?

Extra hot.

I think it's extra hot yeah yeah because it hits you in the back of the throat yeah you know i mean it goes straight the back of the throat so i think it's pretty lethal

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Your main course, what's that tea and up?

This is an all-Asian theme, by the way, but this, I had to do this because this is like one of the best things you'll ever eat in your life, right?

So my grandmother is an incredible cook like her whole life is just food like she's lived on the same council estate in ealing since like the 60s you know completely self-independent woman like doesn't need anyone's help like doesn't like lives on like five pound a week right but she her cooking is unreal like it's just generational passed down menus and this meal Don't know if you've heard of it, it's called Haleem.

Have you heard of Halim?

No.

So Haleem is like originally like a Persian lentil dish that's kind of of slow cooked for hours with shredded kind of lamb.

And then you kind of finish it off with fresh ginger, onions, lime, and you have it with fresh naan bread.

And this thing is a delicacy, right?

So in London, there's only one restaurant in London that actually serves legit halleem.

And it's called Aladdin's.

And I think, I don't know, it's somewhere in North London or something, but it's been around for years.

And people travel to go get this.

It's kind of like a winter kind of peasant food.

But the taste, I just can't even describe the taste to you it's just so buttery and filled with flavor and oh my god it's like one of the best things you ever eat anyway my nan is that's one of her specialities right haleem and it's uh when my dad because you know my dad was the original chibadi g right like that's what he's based on and my dad used to have a restaurant back in the 90s in hounslow called al medina and my grandmother used to come in every thursday and cook a massive pot of this haleem right and people from all over London used to come.

I remember as a kid, I remember going to my dad's restaurant and there used to be a queue outside.

It was a little takeaway.

It wasn't even a restaurant.

It was a takeaway.

And there used to be a queue outside my dad's restaurant for this Haleem.

And oh, it's just like, you know, obviously my mum and my dad are, you know, not together anymore.

my dad still talks about that haleem to this day and like i i now and again i and my grandmother still loves my dad like you know he's she's like still thinks he's an angel he's not

but you know um

i've sent him some of the haleem now throughout the years and every time he eats it I can just see it transports him back to the 90s, back when he was the man as well.

Because

he was kind of like a shit Tony Soprano.

But you know what I mean?

Like, he was like the Aldi Tony Soprano of his day.

You know, he had like a lowered red Mercedes.

It had a personalized number plate.

You know, he was cool, man.

He was a cool guy when he was, you know, in the 90s.

He was a bit of a boss.

So I think as soon as he eats it, it takes him back to that.

And obviously, it takes me back to.

so many memories.

So I would say Halim.

And like I said, it's kind of still a hidden gem.

Yeah.

In like, in terms of like us as brits like you know we've really embraced south asian culture like we pretty much know all the indian dishes don't we but this is a very very specific dish that comes from a certain part and it's takes the the prep for it is all day long and that's when you know a meal is legit when it literally takes eight hours to cook yeah you know what i mean and it can feed hundreds it's that kind of dish like it's just you know almost like a porridge and then but all the other extra bits you add on and you need to have it with fresh naan bread like straight out of the oven of, it's amazing.

It's, I couldn't recommend it anymore.

I mean, I think we're both gonna go to this Aladdin's.

Yeah, we're going, we're going as soon as we can to try and get this.

It's pretty rare that I'm genuinely starving by the time someone's finished talking about a dish, and that sounds incredible.

But my grandmother's one as well, like that one in London is amazing too.

But obviously, I'm a bit biased, but my grandmother, I don't know how she's got it, but the recipe is just, oh my God, like it's just perfect, man.

Like, it's absolutely gorgeous.

i'll happily turn up at your grandmother's house yeah i was gonna say

recommending that feeling

yeah calm down i just love this like slow cook stuff like i love making slow cooked stuff i love it's just my favorite thing where you can actually taste the amount of time that's gone into it yeah like is it so it's cooking all day do you say like eight hours yeah it's cooking all day and like the lamb um it's just

shredded basically within so it's just it's just in the the porridge just like kind of strips of it everywhere and then i just but what i think makes it obviously is the taste is amazing, but it's the fresh ingredients you put on top.

You know, it's the fried onions, the garlic, sorry, the ginger.

Yeah, you can put fresh chopped chilies as well.

And it's just like, oh man, it's so good, honestly.

And it's one of those meals where traditionally it's kind of eaten in a, in a big bowl and loads of people eat off the same plate, sit down on the floor kind of vibes, you know what I mean?

Probably can't do that these days with Corona, but you know what I mean?

That's the vibe.

It's a very kind of community together kind of food, peasant food, you know?

I mean, if I can't be be trusted in situations like that, to be honest, if everyone sat around the same plate, within five minutes, you'd look and my side would have noticeably more missing.

Like I'd be eating into other people's quadrants.

Hey, man, can I get some pizza back off?

You actually have a little pizza slice amount of stuff.

Yeah.

No, I know what you're saying.

But yeah, definitely.

So Haleem, I've got the recipe for my nan.

I mean, obviously, I don't know how to make it.

My mum can make it, but not the same.

No one can make it like she makes it.

But I was thinking, like, man, this could be like, you know,

it's a hidden gem like maybe if you could make it a little bit more easily kind of consumable it could be a quite a big hit like a new kind of delicacy but i don't know how you'd sell it because it's basically like a porridge so you might have to you know set a little bread bowl or something and you eat it and it's a very winter time dish as well it's not really a summer it's very hearty and you know for the winter i didn't know that uh chibudi g was based on your dad that's quite exciting to me my head's very much in the mode of just thinking about people just do nothing all the time now anyway because i've i've just watched it all in one go

so right got a lot of questions now because if you if it's based on your dad did your dad used to you know there's a scene where you guys go to the like the car boot sale and your buddy g is trying to negotiate a table with the lady who works there and he puts on that like cockney accent

oh yeah did your dad do that my and also a little fact for you my dad's in that episode oh wow he's got a cameo yeah my dad's in that episode yeah my dad is like i got the you know when your buddy goes holler like that's what you're saying my dad my dad's My dad's posh white voice is that.

He goes, holler.

Holly.

Hello, mate.

He literally talks like that.

He's hilarious.

My dad's like super sweet.

I think the difference is that like my dad is not like, not a seedy kind of sleazy.

He hasn't got that side of Chibuddy, but he's definitely got the, like I said, he's had like, he's owned an Indian restaurant.

He's owned a minicab office.

He's owned an internet cafe.

There's actually a picture.

If you Google Chibuddy G original, I don't know what you could, something, but you will see a picture of my dad in the 90s in his internet cafe.

And then you'll see a picture of me as Chibuddy, and it's exactly the same.

And I look just like my dad as well.

Like, we are complete.

And so, yeah, he had all of it, all the internet cafe stuff.

That was all real.

You know, the way all his different businesses, the way he speaks, holla, lady mate.

Like, he said, lady, that's what my dad calls women.

He goes, hello, lady mate.

He will literally say that.

But the best thing about my dad is that, like, he loves Chibuddy.

And also, he doesn't see why Chibuddy's funny.

Like, he doesn't see, he's like, like he's like what do you mean he's like he's a bloody smart guy and i'm like i'm like dad and he's just bless him he's always trying like he's always got a new business like he's into crypto now and i'm like that's not going to end well but yeah he he's a legend and it's not just based on my dad it's also based on like you know my mates and my uncles around house there's so many great characters from where i grew up like just those kind of geezers like delboy you know like just delboys like people who can just get supreme their confidence is up here and the ability is all the way down there do you know what i mean like and just that kind of delusion is that little gap is just where so much comedy lives.

And they're sweet, though.

That's the thing.

Even though, like, Chibuddy's a dodgy bastard, like, he will, he will con your nan, yeah, like, you know, I mean, like, he will con your nan, he will rob your nan over the phone on some fraud shit, but you still love the guy because he's an eternal optimist and he just wants to make it, he wants to, he's got that immigrant spirit, you know, and that whole thing about you know, there's one line where Chibuddy goes, I came here in 95, but with nothing but five pound on my brother's basketball at my boss.

That's a true, that's a real thing that my dad says.

And every immigrant dad says that I came here with nothing money but five pound money.

And look at me now.

Like they always, any immigrant dad always came with five pounds.

I don't know what it was.

It was like a starter pack.

Just five quid.

Let's see what you can do.

Yeah, no, I love my dad because he's

not perfect, but he's a real entrepreneurial kind of guy who's never had a job in his life, always did his own thing.

He's a risk taker.

He would just take a risk.

It's really interesting you say that as well, all the different things your dad's done, the restaurant and the

internet cafe and now crypto stuff.

And at the beginning beginning of this interview you were saying well i did a vlog i did streaming and like

it's just a more modern version of that it's like have a go at this move on to the next thing yeah i'm i'm a trier 100 i give it a go i'll give anything a go and i think actually you know i think comedy is all about taking risks as well like i think that in its purest form like comedy is that thought in your head where you're like should i say that oh no but what if it's shit and no one laughs but a real like someone who really you know gives it a go will say it and it might flop it might you might die But you know what?

Fuck it.

One, you know, one time you might kill.

And that one time you kill, you could be a legend forever.

You know what I mean?

So that's comedy, it's taking a risk.

And I think in life, you got to take, you got, you know what I mean?

You got to, you got to be in it to win it.

You know what I mean?

Give it a go.

And like my dad had an Italian restaurant as well, which was hilarious in Watford.

It was called Belissimo.

And he did it up really well, but then he refused to get Italian chefs.

So there's, I think there's a bit in Chibuddy, in Chibuddy talks about this where I kind of spoofed it.

But this is a true story.

He had his two chefs there was two uh one one indian guy called mandeep and one uh sikh guy called gurdave so they became uh they became mario and gino

and i swear to god like the risotto was basically biryani

there was there was no difference

So your side dish.

Okay, so this is more of a condiment, right?

But for me, it's a side dish because I have it it with everything and i would just say straight up chili sauce it's a certain type of chili sauce as well very hard to get a scotch bonnet bayesian sauce from barbados it's called country boy

and it's very i i was in barbados and um we were living in uh we was for one of my mates um kind of honeymoon thing i don't know he didn't get married but we still went on the honeymoon um because we paid for it so we had booked a villa but anyway this villa was kind of weird because it was like kind of like an old colonial villa and it had like you know paintings of his like plantation fields and all that and to make it even worse we had like living staff so it was like these people from barbados living with us as staff and they were very much like you know get out vibes like hello sir want some tuna today like that and we were like felt bad we were like no no that's fine we can go to the kitchen but they just didn't let us do anything they washed our clothes everything and it all felt very like get out vibes but that's what it was it was a villa with living staff and that's there it was their house it was creepy and you know barbados has got that kind of history as well it's kind of weird right but anyway like apart from all the weird get out kind of weird they had this chili sauce and they used to make this fresh tuna

this has better be some good chili sauce acid i mean this has to be

the most amazing thing anyone has ever picked on the podcast for cancer this has to be absolutely i'm sorry incredible acid

i'm sorry okay what can we do like it was just but anyway go back to this chili sauce this chili sauce fresh tuna sandwiches, right?

Like, you know, fresh, the freshest tuna you could get.

And this, this Bayesian Scotch bonnet sauce, oh my God.

Like I said, it was called Country Boy.

I've looked for it in this country.

You can't find it anywhere.

Until two weeks ago, someone said, because I've talked about it before, right?

You know, on, I can't remember on what interviews or what.

Do you give the context every time?

No.

No.

You get the context.

You get the very dark context.

We get the very dark history behind you discovering this hot sauce.

Yeah,

you get the very dark shit.

And someone sent me a link on eBay and I bought it.

It was this little bottle, 16 pound, completely overpriced.

Got it, and I've nearly finished it.

It's fucking amazing.

And it goes with everything.

I went to my cousin's on Saturday, last Saturday, and I bought it with me.

Yeah.

And we had it with lasagna.

Had it with everything.

Have it with everything, mate.

Yeah.

Absolutely could not recommend it anymore.

Country boy, Bayesian sauce.

Forget all the dark stuff, right?

Forget the dark history.

Yes.

It's hard to, I mean, you painted a very vivid picture.

Very, quite, it's quite hard to forget it.

I mean, it was creepy.

It was creepy.

How hot is this chili sauce, Asim?

How hot are we talking?

Okay, so, right.

So, I listen, I can handle a lot of hot stuff, right?

But I don't really like food that's like, I don't want to be in pain.

I don't think that's, you know, I mean, I'm not a sadist.

I think that's fucked up when people want to eat the most hottest shit.

It just ruins everything.

I would say this on a scale out of 10, this is a nice eight.

Okay, like a nice, and the reason why it's a nice eight is because the flavor is so good yeah and like i said try it with fish try it with a tuna sandwich oh my god so i would have that as i know it's ridiculous but it that is my side dish because i have it with every it's on the side of every one of my dishes how would your grandmother feel about you putting that in her halem no no no no no no no no no no you don't do that you don't do that that's that's uh that's incest if anything you don't do that it'll be like incest it'll just be wrong you don't do that you know biologically it's wrong yeah and also like i don't when i say everything i don't mean like i i mean like like i do it to enhance food yeah indian food doesn't or pakistani food doesn't need to be enhanced you know i mean the flavors are very full and i'd have it on like a you know with chips or a burger or a lasagna or you know something like that i'd throw it on the side you don't have chips or a burger or a lasagna with this meal so what are you using it for this meal you've got the i guess you could dip a naan in it you could you want chips as your side you can have chips as your side with this sauce oh my god we're gonna let we'd let that happen yeah of course yeah yeah i'll do that i'll do that But you know, you said that chips and the Haleem could actually be a great revelation there.

Think about that.

We were talking about making it more kind of marketable.

Sure.

Chips and Haleem chips.

Put them in.

The source involved.

The dream Haleem.

Yeah.

Haleem the dream.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

A bit of hot sauce.

Oh, I like that.

You'll just see the businessman start to come out now.

Yeah, here we go.

Riffing the name of it.

Haleem the dream.

Here's what we glossed over with your holiday story early on.

You said.

Thank you, James.

I wanted to put a pin in this as well, and I'm glad we've come back to it.

Your friends, it was this honeymoon.

So A, normally people don't take their mates on the honeymoon.

But apparently he didn't get married.

So something went wrong there.

Yeah.

And then you all went on his honeymoon together.

Is that what's what's the story here?

Yeah.

Pretty much.

I don't want to go into it too much because it's personal.

Like it's, you know, it's not, it's not my story to tell.

But yeah, basically there was a wedding planned in Barbados.

Didn't happen.

We all had bought our tickets and this villa was very expensive.

It was like 10 of us.

And obviously we're not going to not go.

You know what I mean?

So we went with him, but she didn't go.

So it was quite fucked up.

It was quite fucked up.

I'm not going to lie.

The whole situation was not, not like normal.

It wasn't normal.

I love the idea of, it's already weird anyway, because of the place where you're staying.

Your friend's probably a bit, he's in a bit of, having a bit of a difficult time and you're just sat in the corner going, you try this fucking sauce.

It will make everything better.

And it was weird because like, like, obviously, both sides,

the bride and the groom, both sides of their families still came out to Barbados.

So we would run into people

from the other side, you know, aunties and uncles and all that.

And it'll be so awkward.

It'll be like, you're right.

Hi, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, what a shame.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's great though, isn't it?

Yeah.

They tried the chili sauce.

It's cool.

It was just an awkward.

Country boy as well.

A bit of a weird name for it as well, right?

I love Bayesian hot sauce as well.

The one I've had a lot is Aunt Maze.

Did you have Aunt Maze?

Yeah, Art Mays.

So for me, Aunt Maze is, you know, is great.

Yeah, it's great, but

it's too on the nose.

Right.

It's too obvious.

It's too easily available.

I see.

Maybe it's tastes.

Maybe it's, it might even be better than Country Boy, but for me, Country Boy has got nostalgia, pain, history attached to it, dark history attached to it.

So many things attached to it.

You know, wedding,

no, weddings that didn't happen,

honeymoons.

I mean, it's so much stuff, tuna, so many memories for me.

But yeah, Art Maze is good.

It's just a bit too, it's a bit too easily accessible.

I know that sounds weird, but it's just too readily available.

You're a hot sauce yesterday.

You're a hot sauce yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

A little bit.

Yeah, I want the shit that no one else can have.

There's nothing like sinking into luxury.

At washable sofas.com, you'll find the Anibay sofa, which combines ultimate comfort and design at an affordable price.

And get this, it's the only sofa that's fully machine washable from top to bottom, starting at only $699.

The stain-resistant performance fabric slip covers and cloud-like frame duvet can go straight into your wash.

Perfect for anyone with kids, pets, or anyone who loves an easy-to-clean, spotless sofa.

With a modular design and changeable slip covers, you can customize your sofa to fit any space and style.

Whether you need a single chair, love seat, or a luxuriously large sectional, Annibay has you covered.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your home right now you can shop up to 60% off store-wide with a 30-day money-back guarantee shop now at washable sofas.com add a little

to your life offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply

Sucks the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway

winner best score we demand

winner best book we demand to be quality it's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Your dream drink then?

We're now we're gonna go to Japan for this one.

Nice.

And we are gonna go for Ramone.

You know about Ramone?

so ramone is uh it's basically seven up

um but the thing that makes ramone so cool is that it's the the design of the bottle so what it does is that it's got this kind of it's a normal glass bottle but at the top of it there's a little ball or a little cylinder ball that kind of adds acidity to it, I think, and also stops it from flying out when you're drinking it.

But the way you open it is you open the top bit and then you push down on the top bit and the ball goes into the water and it all fizzles it's like one of the most satisfying things ever and it's a really nice lemon drink as well and it was just everywhere in japan and you can get them here as well and it's just the coolest nicest drink on a hot day ramone absolutely amazing and mainly for the ritual yeah have you heard about it though you've seen i've seen i've i've seen the bottle you've done the ball thing yeah i've seen the bottle before when i went to japan a couple of years ago and you sort of see it everywhere and obviously i got obsessed with multiple drinks in japan just the and just going to the vending machines like five times a day.

Oh, amazing.

They're just so phenomenal.

They're just being able to get amazing drinks just walking down the street whenever you want.

We've all had the discussion of why don't they have those in the UK and then all come to the conclusion because people would smash the shit out of them.

They'll smash.

Yeah, they'll get smashed.

That's the thing in Japan.

You just don't have to worry about it.

You can leave your phone on the street.

Yeah.

He'll be there the next day.

Like, it's just, it's just different to society.

But yeah, Ramone would be my thing.

I love it.

And it is a really nice lemon seven-up kind of vibe.

It's really cool.

Do you think there are other drinks that maybe you prefer prefer the taste of that just don't have a little ball in the top?

And maybe your dream drink would be having that drink in a bottle with the, but we could like put the ball in for you.

Put the ball in?

Pop a ball in?

Yeah.

Would you pop a ball in?

Pop a ball in to you.

Pop a ball in.

Pop a ball in.

I love, I'm not going to lie, one of my favorite drinks ever is just a Coke Zero.

Like, I don't like Diet Coke.

I don't really, I think full fat Coke is too much.

Like, it's too much sugar.

I'll be too, I'll be too hype.

A Coke Zero is, I don't know what, I just think it's years, light years years ahead of any other diet kind of drink.

Really?

Like, diet Pepsi is fucking disgusting.

I've got a fridge full of Diet Pepsi, my man.

I love Diet Pepsi.

No, you don't.

I love it.

I've got a fridge full of it.

I love Diet Pepsi.

Fuck off.

Are you saying that?

The last drink that touched my lips today was a Diet Pepsi.

A diet.

No, Pepsi Max, because Pepsi Max is nice.

I am sure.

I like Pepsi Max.

I've got Diet Pepsi in the fridge, my man.

I can go and get you a can right now and prove it.

No, you are the first person who has,

I know, who has willingly bought Diet Pepsi because Diet Pepsi is normally the choice in a takeaway when they don't do...

Are you serious?

I love it.

Every time I've had a Diet Pepsi,

I'm with you here, Asim.

Every time I've had a Diet Pepsi, it tastes like it's been sat there for so long that the can has started to melt into the drink.

Like it tastes a can.

Yeah.

Yes.

Wait, so okay, wait.

James, do you like normal Pepsi or Pepsi Max as well?

I like Pepsi Max.

I like cherry Pepsi Max.

It's delicious.

Real treat drink.

That's like a dessert in a can.

But Coke, Diet Coke, Coke.

For a long time I liked Diet Coke because I gave up drinking caffeine years ago, like five, you know, five years I had no caffeine, and then I started drinking Diet Coke again, and it tasted like normal Coke because that had been so long, I hadn't had normal Coke in so long.

That's exactly that.

So, the Diet Coke tasted like normal Coke, loved Diet Coke for ages, just drank Diet Coke, thought Coke Zero was the same as Diet Coke.

We'll put a pin in that, we'll come back to it.

You can tell me why I'm wrong.

Started getting bored with Diet Coke, had a Diet Pepsi one day, and thought, Oh,

there's flavors in this that aren't in a Diet Coke.

And

this is way more exciting.

It tasted almost botanical.

I loved it.

Can you please hold some kind of poll?

Because, James, I respect you.

Yes.

But I'm shocked by this because I have never heard someone willingly drink Diet Pepsi in my life.

Weirdly, I assume, I've never heard that he now drinks Diet Pepsi, even though

you've heard the start of that story around 800 times.

So there's now an end to that story.

Never gets old.

I'm going to go and get a Diet Pepsi.

Now, you carry on talking.

I'm going to go and get a Diet Pepsi.

Oh, he's doing it.

He's trolling you now.

I see.

I can't believe he's actually getting a Diet Pepsi.

Got some kind of wholesale.

He went to Costco and it was that they had no Diet Coke left.

And he thought, let me just get this massive crate of Diets.

And now he's got 400 cans of Diet Pepsi

in his cans.

Maybe he's in the pocket of Big Pepsi.

Maybe this is Pepsi have sponsored it, but he's not told me.

We're just trying to ponder it.

Oh, my God.

I got it right here.

You can as well.

Is it cold?

It is cold.

Can we hear you open it, please?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Not enough fizz.

Not enough fizz, though.

Yeah, I want to say, oh, yeah, there we go.

The exact right amount of fizz.

Diet Coke is too fizzy.

I can feel it dissolving my gums.

This is super.

Diet Coke is pretty fizzy, actually, but Coke Zero is the sweet spot, honestly.

Is it less fizzy or Coke Zero?

Yeah.

I think so.

But why do you have this?

We were saying, did you get some kind of wholesale deal and you're stuck with them?

Or are you in the pocket of the old Pepsi market?

Am I?

Am I?

Yeah.

Am I making money off big Pepsi?

No.

Actually, it's the same thing that you said earlier.

Yeah, you get a takeaway and they send you Diet Pepsi so Diet Coke.

I had that one day.

I was like, okay, fair enough.

And I was like, actually, I prefer this because I actually like it when fizzy drinks go a bit flat.

Oh, and I just started to find Diet Coke kind of a bit flavorless.

It's aggressively fizzy and not much like flavor to it.

I agree with you there.

Whoa, I think Diet Coke tricked us all for years.

I think.

Come on.

Diet Coke's the OG.

Diet Coke's the best.

It tastes amazing.

It's refreshing on a hot day.

It's incredible.

You can have two or three cans of Diet Coke, whereas all of these other things are like a meal in a glass.

I'm drinking my second Diet Pepsi of the day right here.

Yeah, only for a joke.

Yes.

It's only the punchline to a joke.

Yeah.

It's interesting.

Look, I just want you to run some kind of poll.

I want us to find out.

Put Coke, Diet Coke,

Coke Zero and Diet Pepsi, and let's just see who the winner is going to be.

Can we do that on one of your socials

or something?

When this comes out, let's just

end this.

Yeah, we'll do it.

I want to end this because I've been speaking about it a lot for a long time to a lot of people.

Coke Zero, I'm telling you now, Coke Zero will smash the shit out of us.

I think it's going to be Diet Coke.

But I know we're all just thinking that the ones we like are the best, but

it'll be interesting, though.

Yeah, it'll be interesting.

I think Diet Coke will win annoyingly.

It's like.

Yeah, it might win.

It might win.

But you're right, though, James.

I realize that.

It's too fizzy and it does lack a lot of taste yeah i think it i think it pulled the wall over our eyes for a long time but what i was saying a coke zero pop a ball in pop a ball could be my favorite drink ever pop a ball in the coke zero i was gonna say do you want do you want to pop a ball in the country boy

james just spat his diapsia

i was gonna say do you want to pop a ball in the country boy

you know i honestly i think the ball thing is just it's just a i think it's just so it the drink doesn't come out yeah i think that's the only reason it's there i don't know if it adds any flavor or acidity i mean i i feel like i've heard that i don't think it's true i think it's literally like if you get a bottle of ramonet and you do that it won't come out it will come out slowly if you drink it yeah you know what i mean i think that's the only reason it's there for but i don't know i'm not fully sure um but no i won't pop a ball in the country boy i don't think that's necessary grow up

Could the ball also turn the bottle into like a deodorant kind of thing?

You can roll the drink directly onto your pits.

That would be good with hot sauce.

If you don't want too much, you can just roll it across the top of a bit of fish.

Just do like a stripe.

Yeah, like a little tipx.

That's a great idea, actually.

That is a little roll-on cheese sauce.

Yeah.

That is really nice.

Great idea.

Get your dad on the thigh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Holly.

Oh, no.

Listen, I've got an idea.

We arrive at your dessert.

Very excited to hear what this is.

Okay, I'm.

God, I feel like it's just such an asian i'm very sorry for being so asian um basically i'm gonna go for a dessert thanks for apologizing asim because we're really not enough people apologize on this podcast for being too we should we should yeah um

i'm gonna i'm gonna go for a dessert that my dad used to actually serve in one of his restaurants and it was uh so in my opinion And obviously I'm biased there.

What's the best mango you ever had, boys?

Oh,

this is a bit.

Look, I am shamefully, I don't think I've had any good good mangoes, really.

Oh, my God.

But even though I now live around the corner from a mango man who

mango season, it's like a pop-up shop that only, it's like an empty shell of a shop until mango season rolls around and then it's just full of mangoes.

And I need to go and buy some mangoes.

That's exciting.

Yeah.

Mango, see the mango, man.

Mango, see the mango, man.

I mean, I also would say, yeah, I probably, even though I love mangoes, I've never, probably never had a brilliant one.

We had Jarmi Kondabolu on the podcast, and was he saying Alfonso mango was the best?

I can't remember.

Of course, he would.

Of course, he would.

Oh,

are we going to have a mango war?

This is quite a heated debate, actually.

I remember I put this up in my story a few months ago, and I was in Southall with my dad and my little brothers, and we went to go get the best mangoes in the world, which are Pakistani mangoes.

Okay,

any type of Pakistani mangoes, well, it doesn't matter.

You can just get, you can get any, literally, anyone.

So, with India, you can only get Alfonso, which is the good one.

They don't really have the Kaysan or they're not as good.

Pakistani mangoes, anyone, the best mangoes in the world.

And a real, true, honest Indian man would admit that.

As a lot of my Indian friends, a lot of my Indian friends admit that as well.

They go, you got us on this one.

You got the mango thing.

We might not have all the economy and all that and education.

We don't have that.

They've definitely got us on that.

And the GCSE results and A-levels and all that.

And, you know, most good things they've got us on.

I'm not going to lie.

But when it comes to mangoes let us have this one please because we deserve it pakistani mangoes are the best and that's not my dessert what it will be will be a pakistani mango and my dad used to cut them in half and then fill them with sorbet inside and the sorbet would be made from the mango you know the bakestone mangoes best dessert ever best mangoes ever and if you haven't tried them please mate you live next to a mango i've got to go to the mango man tell the mango man you want the pakistani mangoes and if he says he's only got indian ones walk away no because i know that there's definitely also a little bit further away but there is a man selling pakistani mangoes as well because i walked past that the other day it used to be a mini cab office and now it's pivoted to selling mangoes so i'm gonna that's what happens because they're so seasonal and i think the season's gone now but it was like you know a month ago or whatever but oh my god like the best the best mangoes ever and it's we grew up eating them as children what makes them the best just try them they're sweet they are filled with flavor They are soft.

They are just, oh man, I can't explain it.

Like, honestly, and you need to have them refrigerated as well before you eat them.

Get them a bit cold.

It's the best thing ever.

And the most thing that really annoys me is that when those, you know, a lot of people's experience with mango is the fucking little cardboard you get in Sainsbury.

They're not even mangoes with lime.

That's not how you eat mangoes.

There's a pot of Pratt mango in my fridge with a wedge of lime in it.

I'm so sorry.

You're disgusting.

Man,

disgusting.

Fucking hell.

and you live next to a mango man

he will he will head he will nut you if you saw that yep he will give you will nut you straight no questions asked just please boys buckasoni mangoes all the listeners go source some you know they're everywhere when in season you can get them everywhere they are the best and we need to end this debate as well the indian versus also i will say honorable mention to the filipino mango

also delicious right is filipino better than the indian mangoes yeah

Definitely.

I'd say so.

But better than an Alfonso mango.

Alfonso mangoes are good, but try the Filipino ones too.

I reckon they're tied.

I'd say they're tied.

But none of them are touching Pakistani mangoes.

Nowhere near.

Who's making this sorbet?

Mario and Gino?

Mario and Gino.

Mario and Gino are definitely making a Belize somehow, man.

Yeah, they're definitely making it.

I remember once they, when I went to there, they made me a pizza.

And

I was like 15 or 16 at the time.

And, you know, the pizza was all right, but the way they decorated the veg on top, they did a smiley face.

I went, what you got doing?

And they went, no, I had a smiley face.

And then I was like, yeah, I know what it is.

I went and I was like, is that how you're serving the customers?

They're like, yeah, customer.

And I was like, you don't do that.

That's not, we're not children.

Like,

it was ridiculous.

It was, you know, it was an absolute mess.

Oh, amazing.

That's going to round off the meal perfectly, I think.

Really, you've got the palate cleanser there.

You've got the palate cleanser ready to go.

Yeah, sorbet.

We talked about it earlier.

Yeah, you've got the sorbet.

And you've got, obviously, the mouthwash earlier in the meal as well.

So

that's going to be squeaky clean.

Well, I'm going to read your order back to you now, Asim.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

Water, you want sparkling water with ice and a wedge of lime.

Pop-doms or bread, you would like pop-adoms.

Starter, pannypuri shots with a shot of mouthwash

after it.

Main, your grandmother's Haleem.

Side dish, country boy Scott Bonnet sauce.

Drink,

ramoun, did you say?

Yeah, ramoon.

I think it might be ramune or ramun.

Ramune, ramun.

James, don't forget the chips.

You would like some chips with the side as well, with the country boy, because otherwise you're putting those on the haleem, which you came around to eventually, but only if there's chips in the haleem as well.

I want to try that, yeah.

And dessert, Pakistani mango, filled with mango sorbet.

That's not bad.

It's not bad.

That does sound really nice.

And also, I mean, that's, we've had a few menus like this

where I haven't tried.

There are three things on there.

The mango and mango sorbet, the country boy and the haleem that I've never tried.

And I really want to try all three of those.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah, me too.

But there's three things, but one of them's chips, weirdly.

I've never had chips.

So I've got chips.

He's never had a void line.

Well, you know what?

At the end of one of these things, you know, if we've all learned something,

I think that's what's good.

Like, you try something new.

You know, like all these things, you know, were just with me from the start of my chart, you know, from since childhood.

So for me,

they brought me a lot of pleasure over the years.

And if I can share that, why not, man?

Spread the love.

That's what food's about.

about.

Food is love.

I'm definitely going to Aladdin's.

Yeah.

I'm definitely not going to go to the place where you got the sauce originally.

Never go in there.

Well,

I think you need a time machine for that, mate.

I'll be getting some of the sauce once I've done a rigorous background check into how it's produced.

Yes.

Let's make sure we check that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ask him if this was your come dine with me menu, if you did celebrity come dine with me, and it didn't win, what would you say when you found out the results?

dear lord what a sad little life congratulations James Ed you've won

enjoy the podcast I hope it makes you very happy

now take your menu and get off my property

thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant Asim thank you Assim thank you guys

well there we have it a wonderful menu from Asim there James Mm-mm-mm.

Mouth watering, I'd say.

Yes, we're going to go to Aladdin's to try Halim.

We've just looked at where it is.

It's in Hendon.

The genie is going to Aladdin's, baby.

Oh,

what an exciting crossover.

Yeah,

it's actually the least exciting crossover there could possibly be.

It's not a crossover at all, really.

Yeah, they won't be impressed.

When I get there and I say, I'm a genie, they'll be like, yeah, well, who cares?

Yeah, we can tell from your t-shirt.

Yeah,

we know plenty of genies.

We're Aladdin's, mate.

I thought this would be exciting for me.

And they'll be like, I'm just a man.

They'll be like, please come in.

Yeah, wow.

It's so lovely to finally meet a normal man after all these genies coming in all the time and talking parrots and the like.

Iago, the parrot, yes, Abu the monkey.

Yeah.

How many Jasmine?

Jasmine.

Raja is the tiger.

The sultan.

The sultan.

Jafar's buddy.

The lady who goes, think he's rather tasty.

That lady?

Susie Esmond.

Yeah.

Yeah, Susie Esmond.

Anyway, those are all the characters from Aladdin we could name.

Wonderful menu from Asim.

Really liked it.

And he didn't say peanut dust.

He didn't try and pitch it to the fans.

Congratulations, Asim.

You get to have the entire menu.

You get to eat all of that, which I'm envious of.

And I'm going to make it my life mission.

Yes.

To have as much stuff on that menu as I can.

Yes, please.

And also, it means that we will now officially plug your film, People Just Eat Nothing, big big in Japan, which is out on the 18th of August, James.

If you're listening to this on the day the podcast comes out, it is now the 11th of August.

That means next Wednesday, the People Just Do Nothing film is coming out.

Go to the cinemas to see it.

Yes, very excited to see that.

Oh, well, I've had a lovely time, Ed.

I don't know about you.

Me too.

I've had a great time, mate.

What a lovely old podcast it was, and what a lovely old podcast it is.

I'm on tour in 2022 doing a show called Electric, edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

Go and buy some tickets.

And keep an eye out on Twitter for the Twitter poll that the great Benito will be launching alongside this episode.

Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, Coke Zero, Pepsi Max.

You've got to choose your team.

Diet Coke for me.

Diet Pepsi for me.

Coke Zero for Asim.

Benito, are you Pepsi Max?

Just nod.

No, he's not.

Not Diet Coke.

He's Team DC, of course.

Oh, that's pretty rich.

That's rich from someone who constantly edits out my brilliant Diet Coke story every single episode.

I tell that Diet Coke story with a plom and he's a Diet Coke boy and he's editing it out.

Are you kidding me?

Well, the Diet Coke story today, there's a new end to it.

I don't think we've had the Diet Pepsi end before.

So

you've challenged it, I think it's going to stay in the end.

Maybe that's been edited out as well in the past, but I've definitely mentioned that I like Diet Pepsi more than Diet Coke.

Not within the context of the Diet Coke story.

That's the thing, isn't it?

It's weird.

I've associated myself with Diet Coke now, even though I'm a Diet Pepsi boy.

Anyway.

Crazy Life.

Probably the end of the podcast now.

Crazy Life that I lead.

We'll see you next week.

Goodbye everyone.

Keep it busy.

Always stay busy.

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders and if you've enjoyed this podcast you might like my podcast Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions questions like who was your mum's favourite and when were you lost on Faithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashley B, Catherine Myan, Rich Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar and other legends.

Get it on Acast, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your all podcasts.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.