Ep 101: Julie Adenuga

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, pouring the ice-cold milk of chat onto the puffed rice of humor and listening to the pop.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, we're happy with that.

How have you never done that before?

We've never talked about snap, crackle, and pop, really.

I was thinking of going with like turning the milk

fun-flavoured or something, but it didn't quite work.

No, no.

But, you know, keep that in the back pocket for another episode.

There'll be plenty more.

Oh, yeah.

And this week's guest is music-related, so listening for the pop.

Actually, that's quite clever.

Very, very good indeed.

James, before we reveal our special guest, perhaps you should tell the listener what the blumminel we're doing here.

This is the Off Menu Podcast.

Me and Ed, own the Dream Restaurant, editor-proprietor, and I am a genie.

And we invite a guest every single week to tell us their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is julie julie adanuga

julie adanuga wonderful broadcaster uh dj radio host presenter all of those things she hosts a brilliant radio show on apple beats one we've both done it we've both been on it very much enjoyed it's a pleasure and julie is also the host of the brand new catfish uk which is on Wednesdays at 9pm on MTV.

Catfish, baby.

I myself have never been catfished apart from the Great Bonito.

Yeah, the Great Bonito catfished you.

You've been catfished by the Great Bonito.

And he always insists, oh, guys, make sure you mention the secret ingredient.

Make sure you say what the secret ingredient is.

That if the guest mentions it, they get kicked out of the dream restaurant.

And we say, okay, Bonito, this week's secret ingredient is...

Tongue.

Tongue.

Tongue.

Tongue.

We better hope that Julia Adanuga does not have tongue on her menu.

How long has it been this long?

And we haven't said tongue as the secret ingredient.

It's just universally acknowledged as disgusting.

Okay, well, it's been so long, James, because obviously, guess what?

You like it.

I like tongue.

What?

Are you a cat?

No, I'm not a cat.

Isabella

das Santos!

Pardon?

Isabella dos Santos.

What?

What's that?

She suggested the secret ingredients.

Okay, sorry.

I got mixed up.

I thought that was a joke that I didn't know.

I suggested her tongue.

Right.

And that's how you're going to say her name?

That's how she requested it to be said.

Do it again for me.

Isabella

das Santa Os.

Thank you very much for suggesting tongue.

Isabella dos center os.

It's cool, isn't it?

It's really cool.

Yeah.

Don't forget that if you want to suggest the secret ingredients, get in contact on our Twitter at offmenuofficial on the tweets, and we will probably announce your name in a fun way.

Yeah, I love announcing people's names in a fun way, but you know whose name I'm not going to announce in a fun way: Julie.

Adenuga.

Actually, that was quite fun.

No, it was quite fun.

Adenuga is a word that's very difficult to say, not in a fun way.

Yeah, I like saying Adenuga.

Without further ado, this is the off menu menu of Julie.

Julie Adenuga!

Welcome, Julie, to the Dream Restaurant.

Wait, do I get to speak straight away?

I was saying that there was more of an intro.

What is that?

That's better.

Welcome, Julie Adanuga.

Welcome, Julie Adanuga, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

It took me ages to get a reservation I'm so happy that I'm here I'm sorry I did two explosions and then I slipped off of my sofa

how small is your sofa yeah it's not that small I tell you what it is I'm slouching and I didn't realize my arms were holding me up on the on the armrest and so when I did the explosion I put my arms out in front of me and my body went oh you're slipping down now.

I like restaurants with sofas in them to be fair.

They feel a lot more inviting than just stiff chairs.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's true.

What would be your ideal thing to sit on while you're having a meal?

I was going to say a face, but that's not 75, is it?

Look, the voice is

big early doors.

This is whatever you want it to be.

It just felt like the right thing to say, but no, I would not like to sit on a face at a restaurant.

I just like to sit on comfy.

I don't want armrests in the restaurant on the sofa.

I think armrests is a bit too, you know what I mean?

You need to be able to relax, but just something comfy, a nice, comfy,

I can't pronounce the name of the shop but it's where I got my sofa from it's it's M triple O I M triple O I triple O I yes pronounce it

yeah that's where I got my sofa from so anything from there I'm good I'm happy it's like an like a something an American cow might say why an American

ages in real life no yeah it's been it's been a long time I'm gonna congratulate you on things that probably feel really old to you but um Ed I I loved you on Taskmaster.

Loved it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Julie.

James, I love repertoire.

I've only actually seen two of the four because there's a lockdown and there's so many things to do.

You know what I mean?

So

I've been on Taskmaster 2 since I last saw you.

But yeah.

Tulies are better than others.

Okay, relax.

Relax.

Don't talk.

Relax.

What's the other thing?

Oh, hypothetical.

I love hypothetical.

There you go.

I love it.

Congratulations.

Happy.

And then, yeah, I'll talk into your taskmaster soon.

Happy.

Wow.

Wow.

Give someone props.

They're still complaining.

And I know what you mean about repertoire.

Like, there's such a lot of stuff to watch.

It just tends to slip down the list, doesn't it?

Four episodes.

You can't do four back-to-back Jameses.

It's too much, bro.

When it got to that, can I swear?

Yeah.

Yeah.

On a scale of zero to cunt, how much can I swear?

Yeah.

Well, Julie, you didn't check at the beginning about sitting on someone's face, but now you've come to swearing.

You're like, I better check to my peas and the cheese.

But yeah, I got to the weird fucking orange with the fucking candles and the sweets in it.

And I said, I need to take a break from this.

Oh, man.

This has gone to another place.

I don't know if I can just jump straight into another episode of this.

Yeah, you just need to go and do something normal sometimes, right?

And I had research to do into what on earth that was, but I absolutely loved it.

Honestly, it was amazing.

Congratulations, James.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

when I love stuff, I usually knock it on the head.

You know what my thing is yeah you can't give yourself too many good things all in one go you feel spoiled you know what i mean you've got to balance it out with just regular lockdown shit and then jump back into the job you watched season season nine of taskmasters

you know what it was i found out that taskmaster is on uk play tv so i refuse to have normal television in my house um so i've been discovering new apps where you can watch regular television and then when i saw taskmaster was on there i said oh i need to go and see ed and so you know that's what i did james don't cry man have you watched all of Ed's all of Ed's series?

Did you get to the end?

No, no, no, I didn't get to the end.

Absolutely good.

I'll tell you what, we're going to be watching every single episode of, though, Ed.

Oh, what?

Catfish.

Guys, I'm hosting a show about people who lie, and it's honestly the funniest thing in the whole world.

I never.

That's from someone who's seen half of my specials.

It's actually insane.

I've cried.

I've shouted at someone.

I have

I've definitely laughed really loudly.

I've driven a big red Jeep as well.

I get to drive a big red Jeep.

Tell the listeners what to expect from the show.

Okay, so Catfish UK, if you don't know what catfishing is, it's a verb.

It's a verb, right?

It is a verb.

Yeah, I mean, it's also a food.

So people might be thinking, oh.

Yeah.

Judy's here promoting on a food podcast, promoting her food show.

All about catfish.

I'm not.

I'm promoting a show about people who changed their identities and life for years and years and years.

And for a lot of time, we thought it was only happening in America.

But apparently, even if you live 30 minutes away from someone, you can still catfish them for at least three years.

So yeah, so it's me and my good friend Uber Butler.

And we are traveling around the UK hearing these insane and incredible stories about people who have been having relationships with someone that they haven't seen.

And it's our job to find out if the person they're talking to is in fact real or if they are a catfish and it gets crazy is what I will say.

So sometimes they're real.

Sometimes they are real.

Yes, absolutely.

And when that happens, were you disappointed?

Yes, absolutely.

Are there, Julie, acceptable lies to tell online?

I think if you change your hairline, it's okay.

Interesting.

Thank you for noticing.

I think if you just like edit your hairline a bit just so it comes a bit more forward, that's not the end of the world.

That's an acceptable lie, I think.

Also, not disclosing how many children you have, I think is okay at the start.

Do you know what I mean?

Two years in, we should know that someone's had a birthday twice.

But I think at the start, I don't need to say in my bio, you know what I mean, mother of four, et cetera.

I think that's okay.

With the hairline thing, at what point?

At what point is it not okay to lie about the hairline?

Like going,

how much are you allowed to lie about the hairline?

I think you could do up to one and a half centimeters and anything more than that.

And you're just in lying territory different person yeah exactly yeah are you gonna be lying today on our podcast when we ask you about your favorite foods you've been catfishing i have put my hands up and i said there were so many things i thought about before recording with you guys and i thought no i'm actually going to tell the truth which in some parts is going to make me sound stupid and i'm okay with that but just be nice guys okay well we're nice guys no we can't promise that james

We've been nice to every guest who's been on this podcast.

Okay, yeah, just be nice.

But there's certain things, you know, I grew up in a Nigerian home, so dinner is very different where I come from.

Oh, yeah, I mean, when you say we've been, we're not gonna go, what's that weird food?

It's not even the food that I'm gonna talk about.

That's weird, it's the other bits.

But we'll get to it, don't worry, we will get to it.

But right now, guys, you're in a Nigerian restaurant.

So, oh, lovely, just get on board, okay?

Fully on board,

still sparkling water, Julie.

Stupid question.

Still, next question:

Cop logs on bread.

Why did you not even add this in?

What was the point of this bit?

I fucking hate it.

Who wants sparkling water?

Sparkling water is an example of how human beings have ruined the earth, yeah?

Because there's so many things that just naturally exist.

And for some reason, we were just like, no.

We're going to do extra things to supernatural normal shit.

And someone said, let's make water bubbly.

It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of in my life.

It should be illegal.

Next question.

So, is the whole of your menu and everything you eat is that?

Is it do you only eat things that naturally occur without any man-made interference?

That's a brilliant question, Ed.

The answer is no.

No, but I think water is

the purest thing that exists on the planet.

Why would you change it?

What person was so bored that they thought, I'm going to change water?

It's like the fucking basis of all things.

And they said, I want to, I don't like it.

It's arrogant, actually, if you ask me.

It's arrogant.

Fuck sparkling water.

Do you like squash?

Would you ever put some cordial in some water?

No, I think that's stupid as well, I'll be honest.

Because

I thought you had her, though.

I was nodding.

I was like, yeah, you get it.

You get it, James.

Oh, no.

She's okay.

She's got that.

That's fine.

Yeah, no, I'm not into it.

I don't even like the word.

What is it?

Call.

Say it?

Cordial.

Cordial.

Yeah, which is not the word cordial, which is when you're nice to someone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Again, just taking a word that was fine and then making it something else that needs to be diluted.

It's just all dumb.

Oh, hold on.

So you think they took the word cordial?

They changed it to make the word cordial today.

Yeah.

Yes, that's exactly what they did.

And you know that's the truth.

Don't deny it.

You thought Mr.

Robinson was like, I've got my big pot of lie water that I've invented and I'll just start taking things from language.

Cordial.

I'll take that.

Ed, have you noticed that over time, you speak more and more like James?

Yeah,

it tends to sort of morph into each other.

Yo, what is how what does that feel like?

We hang out all the time.

That's so weird.

James, what is it?

What have you taken from Ed?

I mean, I think I also have picked up some of the ways that Ed talks.

I think we encourage each other on that front.

And

we

recommend albums to each other.

We listen to some of the same music.

Nah.

Some overlaps.

Nah.

I wanted the actual behavioural overlaps, not just like we're friends and we do nice friend things.

Yeah.

I have diabetes.

Well, I'm convinced I have it.

Oh, you're convinced?

No, I have been in the past convinced, but not currently.

If he eats loads of sugar, Julie, he'll go to the.

Well, he's done this in the past.

He's like had a weekend of eating too much chocolate.

He'll go to the doctors and get a test.

You're lying.

You're lying.

No, I have done that.

And what the listeners probably don't know is that we're currently recording this on, well, I don't know if it's called Easter Tuesday.

No.

But it's the Tuesday after the Easter weekend.

So obviously, I'm feeling a little bit tense after the weekend I've just had.

When's your doctor's appointment?

Oh, as soon as I'm going to go to a walk-in clinic, I think.

That is brilliant.

Wow.

It's only the Acaster family that call it Easter Tuesday because their Easters run three weeks after everyone else.

Yeah.

Easter Tuesday, Easter Wednesday, Easter Thursday.

obviously you've got easter sunday 2 coming up

easter sunday 2 the easter ring yeah yeah yeah so you hate sparkling water no no no use the right word james i don't hate it i abhor sparkling water

i detest it you detest it it should be banished from the earth even though it literally didn't come from there because we we changed it well julie there is such a thing as natural sparkling water you're lying i'm not lying it comes out of a mountain slightly sparkling which mountain i can't name the mountain.

Of course you can't because it's not real.

Mountain dew.

Mountain dew.

Bubble mountain dew.

I do not believe you for a second.

Why would Ed lie about there being a mountain that has sparkling water coming out of it?

Oh, I don't know, actually.

Why?

Why would you like?

I think you might be right.

I think sparkling water might be the catfish of the water world.

I'm taking that.

Take it for series two.

I'm taking that.

If you run out of people to do on series two,

do water.

Okay, I'm going to pitch that to the team as soon as I see them.

Thanks, Ed.

Just you running up to the front door, coming open.

It's just a big bottle of fizzy water.

I'm going to ask if you two can be the guest hosts of that episode.

That would be great.

But you have to both wear matching tops like you are today.

Yes, both got pink t-shirts on today.

Both got pink t-shirts on.

Julie immediately found it hysterical.

Because it's just so random.

It's just, it's a bit.

And I know that you both noticed.

Did you speak about it?

We didn't.

When you noticed, when you saw each other, did you say, ah, we're matching again?

No, we didn't, weirdly.

Well, James wears that t-shirt a lot, and I think I wear this t-shirt a lot.

So you want still water.

Yes, please.

And I'm guessing you want nothing in it.

No unnatural things added to it that aren't normally in water.

You wouldn't get lemon floating around in water in the wild.

So no lemon in it.

No ice cubes, because they wouldn't be floating around in it in the wild.

I don't.

A friend of mine taught me something which he shouldn't have had to teach me at all, actually, is that when you get ice cubes in in bottled water it's weird because obviously ice cubes aren't from bottled water so it's just frozen tap water in your fresh bottled water and then it melts and then you get shit so i don't do ice and water anymore i try to go room temperature no lemon because that's weird as well you just get bits of lemon floating around in your mouth it just guys i just hate I just hate anything that isn't pure water.

Again, I thought James had you.

I thought he's got her in a corner here.

She's obviously going to want ice.

She's going to want lemon.

But no, you stopped drinking ice because it was, to quote, unnatural.

Damn it.

Is that an actual direct quote?

Did I really just say that?

I don't know.

It's easy to make things up.

Even if you're recording them, you can just say you said something.

People will probably believe it.

That's true.

When you go into a restaurant, you say, I'd like still water, please.

Bottled still water.

Yep.

Don't put anything in it and I want it room temperature.

Yeah.

You're making me sound so aggressive.

But yes, that is essentially what happens when I go to restaurants.

We're making you sound so aggressive.

Earlier on, you shouted, you shouted fucked sparkling water.

You shouted it.

If it is cold when they bring it, though, I just leave it for a while for the room temperature to just happen naturally.

Do you know what I mean?

Clearly, I'm into very natural things, guys.

I think you're picking that up from this.

But you know, cold is not unnatural.

Yeah, but they put it in the fridge, Ed.

And now my body has got to warm it up to room temperature, but otherwise it's not going to be good, is it?

So I've just got to wait a bit.

Well, I'm looking forward to your main course of steak ripped directly from the cow.

You want nothing from the fridge, am I?

Am I right?

We can get rid of the fridge and the freezer and the oven and everything.

No, no, no, I need those for other things.

All right, okay.

Fair enough.

Pop a dumb saw bread.

Pop-doms or bread.

Julie, Hananooga!

Ah!

This is...

Ah!

Neither!

Fuck both of those motherfuckers.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, Julie.

We made you sound aggressive again there.

Sorry.

Wait, what are poppadoms again?

They're like giant crisps, yeah?

Giant, flavorless crisps.

Yeah.

Well, not flavorless, but flavorless.

This is the first time I've ever heard anyone scream, fuck something, and then ask what it is.

I just,

in my head, I'm just like,

sorry.

No.

Unfuck poppadoms.

Unfuck them.

Okay, yeah, okay.

I'll go pop a doms over bread.

Definitely.

Wow.

That's the biggest U-turn we've ever had on this podcast.

It's someone screaming, fuck poppadums for motherfuckers and then going actually unfuck them.

I'll have them overbread.

Unfuck them.

I tell you why I like to break them and try.

I like to try and break them into quarters, yeah?

Like actual, like from

9 p.m.

to 12 p.m., like actual quarters, like a real one.

And then

I like to balance rice on top of it with a bit of madras and then eat it like a pizza.

Lovely.

So with your poppadums, are we bringing you a full curry and rice?

Yes.

So you can do that.

Yes, please.

I wouldn't mind.

Instead of the dips, we'll use the same pots that the dips would usually go in yeah and we'll put curry and rice in them i love this restaurant i absolutely love it here you guys are amazing waiters thank you that means a lot i mean this is the biggest turnaround we've ever had of someone screaming that they hate it saying fuck it and then going actually i prefer it to the other option why were you shouting that in the in the first place

Because I hate carbs at the moment.

Okay.

I hate carbs.

They've become the bane of my existence whilst I've been locked in my home.

And so my immediate gut reaction was, that feels carby, get them away from me.

And so that was my first response.

But then when I calmed down and stopped being aggressive, I thought, no, I like poppadoms.

I should stop being so mean towards them because outside of lockdown, when I can get a better carb balance, I'm going to be on the poppadoms.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Straight away.

So your initial thought was, I hate carbs.

I don't want them anywhere near my meal.

And your second response was, bring me poppadoms and a bowl of rice that I can pile on top of them.

Yes.

I'm really not enjoying you translating my thoughts.

I thought you loved your first time.

And we were going to voices.

We're getting compliments earlier.

Yeah, but stop telling people what I'm actually saying.

Just let them hear

the fun way.

In this anti-carb chat as well.

Yeah, why do you hate carb chat?

Bread is just standing by going, I can't believe I'm getting away with this.

I can't believe no one's coming after me.

Yeah, no, bread's...

No, no, we gotta get rid of bread it's nah come on we've got to stop now with the bread thing we have to it's carb hell and it's the easiest food to make sometimes

sometimes my toaster and i have back-to-back toast sessions yeah yeah where i'm just toasting butter and eating toasting it just like constantly so you can see that The carb thing is, I've had a carb overload, guys, over the last year.

So you don't hate carbs, you love them too much, right?

Exactly.

This is very triggering, by the way.

This is a restaurant of many emotions, but yeah, I've had way too many carbs and I need to relax is the truth.

Okay?

Before you translate it, Ed.

How many slots you got in your toaster?

Oh, brilliant question.

I've got four.

I've got a question for you two now.

Is it normal to toast bread

in odds?

Oh.

And do you do it?

I have done it actually.

Yeah, it depends how big the slices are.

Go on.

Well, if I've got a load of like, you know, standard loaf slices, sometimes I don't want four, but two is too little, and so I will have three.

A lot of the time, if it's smaller than the standard loaf, then I'll usually have four and just go all out.

But if the slices look pretty big, I might go for three rather than four.

So, and have you got a four slot toaster?

I've got a four slot toaster.

So you will put three slices of bread in the four slot toaster and there'll just be one slot that's heating nothing.

Just that's heating nothing.

Well sometimes I just put my cheek to it and I just feel the warmth.

Yo, that is disgusting.

Why don't you say that?

I mean,

disgusting actually, Jay.

I wasn't expecting disgusting.

Well, here's another reason why I do it, right?

I've got three spreads that I like on my toast.

Oh, this is mad.

Wait, what are they?

Butter on its own.

Okay.

Marmite.

and marmalade.

And if I have three different slices, I do a butter slice, a marmite slice, a marmalade slice and i eat them in that order no a starter main course and put them

no okay here comes the question what is the difference between butter and marmalade pardon me between butter and marmalade yeah what's marmalade wait what am i thinking what is the difference between butter and you're thinking of margarine oh yeah i'm thinking of margarine okay cool marmalade is what marmalade is like orange jel oh oh yes marmalade is delicious yeah just googled it and now you're holding up the google images of marmalade to us yeah marmalade's delicious which one do you have?

The bait one that everybody gets?

I've covered it.

You got Robertson's

with shreds in it.

Yes, yes.

Or you go with shreds.

Oh!

Yeah, I'm a shred.

Yeah, that's hard.

That's hard.

Yeah, that's hard.

Okay.

The Marmite thing, I'm not down with, but.

And also the three spread thing is very strange, but it's used.

It's a little mini meal.

Start a main course dessert.

Butter.

It's very strange.

Marmite, marmalade.

So you don't do jam on top of butter?

No, because it's a little starter.

It's just the toast with the butter on it.

And then main course, something merely attacks the palate.

Marmite.

Oh, it's a real hefty main course.

And then a lovely sweet dessert of the marmalade.

With the shreds.

I'd go marmite every slice.

You're also going in the bin because that's disgusting.

Thick butter, thicker marmite than you could ever imagine.

Wait,

you go butter and then marmite on top?

Yes, yes, Julie.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Honestly, you two are disgusting.

I'm loving it, though, but you're absolutely vital, both of you.

Wait, Ed, do you do odd slices?

I've only got a two-slop toaster.

But have you ever done one slice of toast?

No, I would.

One slice is never enough, is it?

So I'd always go two slices.

And I'll rarely, if I want more toast, I'll rarely be able to bring myself to do more.

Okay, fine.

Because it's going through that action again.

I'll be like, oh, God, I can't do that.

And plus, I've put so much on the first two slices.

I've gone absolutely mad.

Sometimes, Julie, and get a load of this.

I'll put Mama in a bacon sandwich.

How do you feel about that?

Has the the bacon sandwich got bacon in it?

What?

No, no, no, no.

No bacon in it.

No, and no bread either.

And

I'm sat in my room just thinking about it.

Do you know what?

We've asked some pretty dumb questions on this podcast.

Me and Ed are pretty guilty of it.

But never before have we asked someone if a bacon sandwich has bacon in it.

I was actually trying to help Ed out just now because the fact that you put marmite in a sandwich that has bacon in it makes you the most grim creature on the planet.

So I was trying to help you out by saying, I call it a bacon sandwich, but I don't actually put bacon in it.

I was trying to be stupid to help you.

That's his get-out.

It's that he can say to people, I like putting Marmite in a bacon sandwich.

And before they attack him, he goes, hold the bacon.

Exactly.

And then it was like, I was having a Marmite sandwich.

Julie.

Oh, thanks, Julie, actually.

I thought you were being stupid, but thanks.

You've been so helpful.

But what you like to do, Julie.

is you like to get the toaster and for you four slices of toast and while you're eating those slices you've got another four slices of bread toasted in the toaster already so that you can just do it on rotation that is disgusting

i did it from when i was young me and my little brother actually all of my brothers i think we did it we just took the toaster up because i had an epiphany once where i realized that the toaster doesn't have to be in the kitchen It's just an appliance.

So we just took it upstairs to our bedroom and we just back-to-back toasted until the loaf was finished.

It was a really great time.

You took the toaster up to your bedroom.

Yes.

There is no need for it to be in the kitchen.

That's blowing my mind, actually.

It is blowing my mind.

Toaster in the bedroom.

That'd be a good title for your autobiography.

Although, toaster in slang terms is a gun, so maybe not.

Oh, right.

Okay.

It gets bedroom in slang terms.

I don't actually know.

Pocket.

Nice.

I like it.

I'll buy that book.

I bought your book.

Yeah, halfway through.

Let's go on to your starter now, Julie.

Is it all natural?

Are you cooking it in the bedroom?

What's going on?

This is going to be another weird one.

Okay.

I don't believe in starters.

Yes.

This is unbelievable.

I think they're stupid.

You think they're stupid.

Well, you're the one toasting stuff in the bedroom.

Hey, hey, don't do that.

You can't bring up my past.

It's not fair.

I just, I don't believe in them.

I think they're stupid.

If you're hungry,

why are you giving me the beginning of the meal?

Yeah.

Just give me the food that I would like to eat.

I'm very much a, hey, can I have the prawns and whatever the main is and just bring them all as soon as they're ready, please, sir?

Right, so you are having a starter.

You're just having it.

No, but I'm having it as the meal.

Like, I'm not picking it because I want to eat it separately.

I'm picking it because it goes well with all the food that I'd like to consume in this one sitting.

Starters are like glorified side ditches, really, aren't they?

They're not really.

No, they're completely.

They're so stupid.

Ed, do we look up the definition of what the fucking hell the point is of a starter in a meal?

Yeah, make sure you word it like that when you Google it.

You think if you Google what the fucking hell is the point of a starter in a meal, you're going to get something back that solves this, right?

I'm actually going to do it.

Because I can.

What is the actual point?

Julie, your Google is not going to explain anything to you.

The last thing you Google is marmalade.

It's not even going to let you log on.

It's going to be like, there's no point telling this lady anything.

Marmalade, straight to images an adult woman who's looked up pictures of marmalade

i love that you said adult woman like my google knows this um yeah the results aren't very they're not very good are they what what what did you google i googled what the hell is the point of a starter in a meal yeah the first the first result is a reddit result and it says i live with roommates interesting and one of them toasts in the bedroom what do i do yeah

that might that's a fire hazard isn't it definitely yes yeah don't try uh toasting at home unless you are with a supervised adult, is what we should say.

Yeah.

I don't even know what to search to find the reason for a start.

Well, it's because everyone knows what the point to a star is.

You could probably start by taking the expletives out.

Ed, what is the point?

Tell us.

An extra little meal.

A mini meal at the beginning.

Like we're talking about.

A mini meal at the beginning.

Fires up the palate.

That's what he thinks it is.

Isn't that sad?

It doesn't make any sense.

It's stupid.

No.

It doesn't make any sense.

What if you want something from the starter menu that doesn't necessarily go together with the main you get the starter first eat it delicious wait a little bit and then have the main it's like you're getting two meals in one so then i just have two mains how do you feel about the part of uh that sentence julie where ed said wait a minute

yeah eat something wait a minute then get your actual meal does wait a minute feel good no it definitely doesn't it's a stupid is i just

Here's how I think about it.

I only go and eat when I'm hungry.

So if I'm hungry, my body isn't going, oh, I'm excited about this little thing first.

And then

there aren't compartments of my stomach.

It's just the food is going to go down.

At what point, Julie, did I accuse you of having compartments of your stomach?

But this, but this is why, in my head, if there's a starter, I'm assuming that it's like go into a different part of, you know, there's like a bit of my body that needs a starter, and then my stomach needs the mains.

And then, well, actually, all of the food just goes down the same tube into the same place.

So whether it was a starter, main, whatever, it doesn't matter.

It's just all food.

So why are you giving it to me at a separate time?

Then why were we giving you any other sort of food?

Why don't we just give you powder?

Because it all turns into shit in the end.

That's what you're saying.

No, I'm saying that when I want to eat, I want to eat now.

So give me all the food that I'd like to consume.

Give me your starter.

No, because this is the other thing that annoys me, Ed.

Yeah?

Aggressive Julie's back.

Yeah.

She never went anywhere.

That's true.

When I order my starter and my main, yeah?

How do you know when I'm ready for my main?

Well, after you've had your starter.

Right.

So that means that I've got to eat my starter, then you've got to see that I've finished, then you've got to come over, take the plate, then you've got to go back into the kitchen, then you've got to get the food and then bring my master.

It's

long, which is what a waiter has to do.

No, because if they're

now serving someone else, I've got to wait for them to finish serving someone else to then say, oh, she's finished a starter.

Then come.

And then if someone else at the table hasn't finished their starter, do you know what they do?

They make me wait for my main until the rest of my table's finished.

What is going on?

I'm hungry.

Bring me the food.

No starters.

No starters.

Yeah, but what I'm saying to you, Julie, is yes, okay, fine.

Pass on the starter, but you can't then have what you would have had as a starter with your main course, okay?

That's not how this.

No, you can't.

That's not how it works.

Absolutely not.

Julie's dream meal, Ed.

It's her dream meal.

Yeah, you're in a Nigerian restaurant.

There are no rules.

Yep.

Exactly.

Well, it's a Nigerian restaurant that's run by two white men and they don't understand what goes on.

Yeah.

I'm teaching you now.

This is you learning.

This is you learning.

Okay, give me an example as to when you can't eat a starter with them.

Like, why would the foods not go together?

All right, maybe you have like a starter that has a sort of

an Asian flavor to it.

And then you have a main course that's like a steak and chips or something.

You want to taste things from across the globe and put them into little compartments like you have in your stomach.

Yeah, but you can just eat all of them.

If I had a Sunday roast, yeah, and the starter was, you know, what's like a basic stuff, like prawns, tempura, calamari, thank you.

I would just eat all of those things together.

Yeah, but that's mad.

I would not at any point go,

I'm gonna eat the calamari, and then I'm just gonna look out the window and

then I'm gonna eat my roasted.

Like, I'm just gonna eat all the food.

I'm hungry.

So, in this situation, you've got roast dinner.

So, you've got potatoes, you've got gravy, you've got meat, you've got veg, you've got whatever, and you're just dumping calamari on top of that.

You're getting gravy on your calamari.

100%.

Get it all in there.

I'm hungry.

Have you ever seen me?

That's a good cartography title as well.

i've got so many things to take away from this but when i'm hungry i don't have time to think about the fact that gravy is going to be mixing with the cat i don't care i just want to eat the food i want to eat it now just please i have the feeling that what you would like in an ideal world is to be sitting in your bedroom you're eating calamari and you've got the equivalent of a kind of toaster in front of you so it's like it's like when you're eating your toast and you've got the toast toasting ready to go yes that when you finish that bite of toast it pops up again and you can start this next round.

You want that, but with your starters in your main course.

Yeah, James understands me.

James understands me.

So within food, you seem to really enjoy things as much as possible, back to back, quickly, get it all done, right?

So James's specials must have really annoyed you for you to stop halfway through.

To take a break for you is a big statement.

Oh, yeah.

That is bad, isn't it?

That does sound like

he's broken the habit of a lifetime.

James.

You stand up for me.

I'm going to stand up for you.

Eating meals in a pandemic is very different to eating meals just regularly.

Yeah.

So same goes for James' comedy.

Yeah.

Exactly.

On a normal day, I'd sit down, I'd put aside the time, and I'd bang all the way through repertoire.

But during a pandemic, I've got to save some for the other days that are going to be hell.

Do you know what I mean?

Just to flag up to you, I won't leave it too long if you are planning on watching the other two because the final one has callbacks to the ones you've already seen.

And if you leave it too long,

it's going to make no sense.

You'll be sitting there going,

this guy is absolutely shit.

Yeah.

Okay, thank you for the tip.

I appreciate it.

Also, I have a question about the food.

And I know we're currently on the same team, and Ed's trying to drive a wedge between us.

It's kind of succeeding.

I am annoyed about the special thing.

But, like,

I don't want to drive a further wedge between us.

It's just a question.

This is not.

I'm not criticising you.

You didn't like sparkling water because it's not natural, but you are mixing your calamari with your Sunday roast.

And I'm not sure.

Is that the same thing as putting the bubbles in the water?

Putting the calamari in the gravy with the Sunday roast?

Is it similar?

I'm going to say no, because I'm not dipping the calamari in the gravy and eating it.

I'm just chewing and swallowing.

This is very...

It's elementary, guys.

I pick up the calamari, I chew it, I swallow it.

I pick up a bit of Yorkshire pudding, chew it, sweat.

It's all chew and swallow.

You know what I mean?

I'm not, it's it's like, like the bubbles are in the water.

I don't get to separate them with sparkling water, but with this specific scenario, you know, they are going down at separate times.

Another name for a biography.

So no starter.

No, skip it.

Pass.

Pass.

Let's get into the.

I'm hungry.

Let's get into it.

The third person for me to add to my list of hatred.

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Main course.

Main course.

I'm excited about the main course.

Calamari and Roastinda.

No, Edge.

Yeah, imagine.

Calamari and most of it.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, so the main course

is a Nigerian dish.

So it's ground rice with a goosey stew.

And then I have it with a bit of tomato stew on top.

And the protein in it is beef, basically.

Lovely.

And it's absolutely scrumptious.

I love it with all my heart.

Talk us through these stews.

So ground rice is, I always try to find an equivalent to ground rice.

Ground rice is literally...

grounded rice, but you sort of you hit it it almost has a texture of play-dough.

It's like a dough.

So you hit it in water it starts as a powder i hit it hit hit until it becomes like thick and nice and then that's it it's done you can't add sugar to it which my dad used to do when i was younger but it's bad for you so then you have that by itself and that's just like a white ball of dough and then a goosey stew is literally a goosey seeds that you ground and you make it with spinach you can add um crayfish or stockfish if you want to

and then you add the beef in as well that's cooked and then the tomato stew is literally just it's tomato stew it's just blended tomatoes with pepper and stuff in it and my mum used to add they don't actually come together but my mum used to add a little bit on top of the goosey stew which made it just really special and then yeah you just you pick up the the ground rice dip it in the stew eat it with the meat and it's so filling and delicious you don't need to eat for the whole day after you've had that meal

that's why you don't want a starter beforehand that's also why you don't need a starter when you're eating ground rice and a goosey stew very good point jinny I prefer that argument.

We could have saved a lot of hassle there if you just said

my main's quite filling, so I'm not going to have a starter.

That does sound like something that would make you happy, Ed, but that's probably why I didn't say it.

And then I'd be looking forward to the main course.

I'd be like, what's this main course going to be if it's so filling that you can't have your calamari?

But now you hate me so much, you don't even care about my main course.

Yeah, bad luck.

Yeah.

Not hate in this

menu.

Who's making this stew for you?

It's your dream one.

Is it the one that your mum used to make?

Absolutely.

It has to be mum's one.

It has has to be mum's one um i've i've been to a few restaurants and had it but it's just not the same is it nothing's the same as as mum's one so yeah mum's making it i i'd actually asked my dad to make the ground rice mum would make the agusi stew and the tomato stew and the beef is there anywhere where you have been restaurant wise where you would recommend to people to get good stews i would say there's a place called 805 literally those numbers 805 in hendon north london then you have a place called enish in brixton And if you live in West and East, I don't care about your existence.

Yeah.

And if you live outside of London, bad luck.

Yeah, if you live outside of London, then there probably aren't going to be any Nigerian restaurants anyway, to be fair, if you're in the UK somewhere.

But if you find one, well done.

You found a unicorn.

Let us know.

Let us know.

Any Nigerian restaurants outside of London?

Tweet the podcast, tweet Julie.

Also tweet pictures of marmalade at Julie.

Yeah, because I got it confused with what was it?

Mayonnaise.

No.

Margarine.

You thought I was having butter, Marmite, and then margarine for for dessert.

What you need to do now, listeners, is we're going to set Julie a quiz.

So either send her a picture of margarine, mayonnaise, or marmalade, and say, which one is this?

Yeah, which one is this?

And she has to respond with the correct answer.

Yeah, don't send her a photo of all three and say, which, you know, name them all.

Yeah.

Send her a photo of one of them.

Yeah.

Which one's this?

Without googling it.

Oh, no.

I'm going to get this wrong because marmalade and

butter, they're the same, innit?

Am I going mad?

No.

Who's just got it wrong again?

What's the other one called?

Margarine.

Margarine and butter aren't the same.

Margarine's like an alternative.

Okay, so remember that thing?

I can't believe it's not butter.

That was actually the name of it, innit?

That was margarine, right?

Yeah, I think so.

I think, or yeah, like a butter alternative, basically.

Yeah, it wasn't butter.

What's the actual difference between butter and margarine?

Margarine.

I think margarine is like made with oil, isn't it?

It's made with like sunflower oil or something, as opposed to being made with dairy.

Okay, fair.

as far as I know.

Send me a picture of marmalade, margarine, or mayonnaise, and I will correctly guess.

For everyone that I get wrong, I'll donate some money to charity.

Oh, God.

Okay, great.

Oh, that's awesome.

You have just absolutely opened the floodgates.

So, how full is this main making you, though?

So, this is the kind of main that if you had it at

6 p.m.,

you probably wouldn't even need to eat breakfast the next day.

Wow.

Well, so is this why, as well, you want a bit of a break before your dessert?

Yes, exactly.

This is why, because you need time to let the food digest.

Going back to your point, Ed, Mr.

I hate you, Julie.

When you've had your main,

if it's a good enough main, you should be too full to eat something immediately after, especially something that has been designed to feel like a reward for eating your main.

Right.

James, having this logic.

No, how do you feel about that?

The gap thing.

I've never seen you take a gap.

And also, you eat a meal towards the dessert.

You don't eat a meal and then have a reward as a dessert afterwards.

Wait, what do you mean, towards the dessert?

He's always thinking about the dessert.

It's the finish line.

That's why I'm doing it.

Like you say, the reward.

But I don't mind the gap because

actually, a lot of people

have never seen you take a gap.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

I ruined it for myself, though.

Absolute bullshit.

I ruined it for myself.

You love the gap.

Absolutely not true.

You're showing up.

When a gap gap is imposed on me,

I completely appreciate it.

And it is better.

The dessert then tastes better.

I'm less full.

Sometimes I think to myself, come on, mate, you can still taste the main course in your mouth.

Don't have the dessert.

Just have a gap so you'll appreciate it more.

And I can't do it.

My willpower goes, no, no, we're getting the dessert now.

And then I eat the dessert.

And then I'm like, oh.

And then I finish the dessert.

And I go, you can still taste the pesto in your mouth, you idiot.

you've finished a banana split and you can still taste pesto oh why have you done that to yourself have you ever double desserted James yeah of course kidding do you know who you're speaking to Julie

would you ask Damon Hill if he's ever driven a car

do you do you double dessert the same dessert or do you switch it up the second time if it's good enough I will double dessert the same dessert, but I like, you know, at the minute, there's a lot of desserts in this flat

because

I took a crazy week off of desserts and all that happened is we got more and they stocked up so now I'm double desserting sometimes I mean yesterday for example casting my mind back to yesterday I had a slice of cherry pie and then afterwards I had some cookie dough so I double desserted Can I just say,

I don't know anyone that's ever eaten a cherry pie.

You're the first person I've ever heard.

Well, I ate cherry pie yesterday as well, Julie.

No, don't try and jump in now.

This is

got we both got sent a cherry pie from chin chin ice cream and they send it frozen and then you defrost it and then put it in the oven for an hour and it was it was pretty amazing amazing and ed i don't know if you ate the whole thing not yet uh when it was hot we ate half of it when it was hot and the other half i just had cold didn't warm it up yeah and that was equally as good oh man there's something in the fridge i know i'm gonna do it i'm supposed to you gotta do it i had a heavy weekend i mean easter weekend is a heavy weekend for diabetics if if you try and enjoy yourself because there's a lot of sugar flying around so easter sunday we had family over sit in the garden and that cherry pie was kicking around then my girlfriend made a pavlova and macarons and then obviously there's chocolate flying around bit of ice cream it was which one are you googling julie I'm googling Pavlova.

It's like meringue and cream and berries.

She made it in the shape of a rabbit.

But your girlfriend made this from scratch.

Yeah.

Wait, what is this?

What is this?

Well,

look at it and tell us what you think it is.

I have no idea what this is.

It just looks like a cream.

Is the cream hard?

No, it's like whipped cream, whipped.

So how are the fruits balancing on top of something that's not a solid?

I'm so confused.

I think you're confusing the cream and the meringue.

And the meringue.

So there's meringue and cream in that.

Do you not think I know what meringue is?

You're saying meringue to me with the belief that I know.

That's one to add to the list, isn't it?

I'll hold my hands up i did think you knew what meringue yeah

yeah now everyone when you're sending pictures you can feel free to throw a meringue picture in there as well meringue yeah mayonnaise margarine or margarine or marmalade meringue but with with the meringue you have to accompany it with the caption what's for pudding

and if and that's the that's the clue for julie that it's not one of the main three the main three mayonnaise marmalade and margarine you have to say which one is this okay but but if you tweet the picture of uh moran you have to say what's for pudding and judy has to not google it but has to know it's moring i get it right

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So, are we having a side dish?

with this filling main course or are we also passing on the side having a break and going to dessert?

What's going on?

No, we're not passing on the side because a side dish is just the main dish that couldn't fit on the same plate as the main it's not true yeah that's what it is what so as a side dish you just have what just some more of what you're having as a main in a little bowl no so on the side dish i have plantain or as west indians pronounce it plantain and i have that on the side because it can't fit on the plate with the ground rice and the guzzine And I know you like that, Ed.

I know you like that side dish.

I do like that side dish.

So you've won me over there.

Oh, is that why you went mad quiet?

Because you thought I was...

Yeah, because I was thinking about it, thinking about how nice that sounds.

And also, I think it's it does back up what you're saying because it would go, it goes very nicely with the main dish.

So

it could be on the same plate, but it's nice to have it there and bring it in when you feel like it.

Take me off that fucking list, please.

Take me off that list.

No, starter, you're still on the list.

I'm sorry.

It's just ridiculous.

But yeah, my side dish is plantain

because it's sweet and I could eat it by itself to be fair, but it's just it just always makes me smile whilst I'm eating.

eating and i think you should be happy when you're eating food i would say that plantain is becoming maybe the most popular side dish we've ever had oh is it it's the most frequently mentioned side dish maybe maybe

level with or even more so than chips yeah ah i don't know if i'd put chips as a side though of course you wouldn't you probably have it at a dessert and know your top topsy-turvy eating habits yeah chips are not a side to me they're remain but i can understand why they're they're on the side i think episode wise this is the fifth time we've had plantatoes this.

Are you counting as unreleased ones as well?

Because I think there might be a couple of unreleased ones.

These are just the released ones.

Yeah.

I do think there's some unreleased ones that are still to come out with that.

I can't wait to go to your real restaurant when you guys make it because there better be plantain on the menu.

I mean, it's going to happen one day, right?

It has to.

I reckon here's what the end game is for this podcast.

We opened our own restaurant and we'll have done hundreds of episodes by then.

And every day, the menu is a different episode of the podcast.

Brilliant.

Genius.

Genius.

So basically, we should probably stop at a certain amount, like 300 and something episodes, not 365, but around that.

We have a certain amount of days off a year, but each day of the year

is a different guest's

menu.

And then new year, we start again at the first episode of the podcast with Screevious Pip.

And then we work our way through to whoever the final episode is.

Can my menu be on my birthday, please?

That would be really great because I can come to the restaurant on my birthday and have my meal.

Yeah, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

We'll try and do that as often as possible, actually.

Put people's menus on their birthdays.

On their birthdays, yeah.

Some days are going to be horrible, aren't they?

Yeah, some people haven't chosen nice menus.

That's the point, I guess.

I mean, the restaurant's going to run at a serious loss because some days it's just going to be the person whose episode it was showing up.

Just in the restaurant by themselves.

Yeah.

That'd be fun, though.

Yeah.

What's your dream drink, Julie?

Oh, you're going to hate this.

Oh, this is interesting.

I can't imagine a drink that we're gonna hate.

You're gonna hate it because, just content-wise, it's not really fun, is it?

We go for water again.

Yeah, absolutely.

Unbelievable.

It's water.

It is water.

It has to be water.

Why would it be anything else?

Why?

It has to be what?

Because of all the other drinks in the world?

You know what it is, guys?

I'm not an alcohol drinker, so that takes loads of stuff off the list.

And then, in terms of juice, Oh,

hold on.

Here we go.

Someone's just remembered a juice.

They're like...

Oh.

Here's the categories.

Alcohol.

No.

Juice.

And

that sound announces the arrival of the juice owl.

Did you buy a sofa from that place?

You're shouting at the minute.

Moe,

hold on.

Listen.

Oh.

Okay, so here's the issue right now, guys.

Big, big conundrum.

My actual favorite drink doesn't go with this meal.

That's fine.

But

if you wouldn't mind having the drink with the meal, you don't need to worry, you know, on the face of it if it goes with it.

Okay, in that case, then, it's Capella Cloudy Apple Juice.

There you go.

Lovely.

But also with a side of water.

You've got the water.

You can't stress this enough, Julie.

You've got the water already.

That's throughout the meal.

You don't just get one glass.

Okay, fine.

Fairs.

Then it's Capella Cloudy Apple juice.

Although.

Ah!

Okay, although, guys, yeah.

Remember another juice?

I recently discovered, in lockdown, I recently discovered elderflower and apple juice from Capella.

And wow, what an absolute bazinga!

Yeah, oh, it's a bazinga.

Oh, it's a bazing.

Oh, listen, people kept telling me to have elderflower with champagne, right?

You know, what's that word you used earlier?

Cordial, no, cordial, yeah, cordial, put some elderflower cordial in champagne, but I don't like champagne, I think it tastes like hell.

And then I saw it on the apple juice and I was like, oh, that's gonna be disgusting.

But no, no, it was

scrumptious.

It's oh, oh.

so I'm gonna go.

No, we're sticking to the originals because we're a natural original group of people.

I'm going with Capella Cloudy Apple juice.

Sometimes, Julie, you'll love this.

I find apple juice a bit too sweet for me.

So, what I like to do is do half a glass of apple juice and then top it up with sparkling water.

I don't, I'm not angry at that.

Okay.

I know you want me to be aggressive.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, that's your goal, Ed.

That was my goal.

I won this game before it even kicked off.

But no, I'm not opposed to adding sparkling water to things

because a friend of mine told me to have cranberry juice with sparkling water and a dash of lime.

And it was actually quite nice.

So

I'm not aggressive on that one yet.

That's okay.

Tell us about Capella.

Oh.

I've not seen this brand anywhere.

You have.

You definitely have.

I have seen it.

Yeah, yeah.

You are lying.

You've told a lie.

I'm not lying.

I didn't say you weren't a liar, but you didn't know what marmalade was early.

This is what James would do.

This is his idea of a a catfish.

He'd go online and he'd be exactly as he is in real life, but he'd be like, I've never even heard of Capella.

Well,

since this is the episode where we google everything, I'm going to

Google Capella Juice.

It's like saying that you've never seen Ribena.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've seen it.

Nice bottle, actually.

Yeah.

And it has immediately, I didn't even put Cloudy Apple, but it's Cloudy Apple's the top of the list.

So Capella, how did I discover?

Actually, I'm going to shout out Cyan, my good friend Cyan.

She was onto Capella Cloudy Apple Juice very early.

I actually was dissing her about it for a while because she was talking about it like it was the bee's knees.

And I was living in Just Juice Land.

Yeah.

Now, Just Juice, over time, I've realized is actually a trash brand

for juices.

Yeah.

It's really rubbish.

Sorry, Just Juice fans.

And for a long time, I was living in Sun Exotic and Just Juice Land.

And then, I don't know what happened.

One day I just capelled and I've never gone back.

It is just, it is honestly a great time.

So, Cyan, I want to publicly apologize to you for shitting on you when you knew what the truth was.

What kind of stuff would you say to her when you used to shit on her for liking capella juice?

It wasn't what I said.

It was more my face expressions.

You guys can tell that I'm normally quite a happy person.

But

just, you know, when you see someone go out of their way for something in your head, you're thinking, just relax.

It was just a very much a just relax.

This is not the best thing in the world.

Calm down.

Stop overreacting overreacting to your juice and then and then i had to eat my words i might take her some today actually just as an apology so i was talking to a couple of absolute idiots today about uh juice only one only one

thank you uh

this is outrageous and it made you realize how much of a good friend she was you want to bring her some cloudy apple capella juice yeah because it's now your favorite drink yeah i think the cloudy makes the juice grown up do you know what i mean i think if you were if you were saying to anyone else, I'm having apple juice, I think that sounds a bit like quite a childish drink choice.

But the fact you want the cloudy apple juice makes it sound a bit more refined, a bit more grown-up.

That's one of my favourite things you've ever said, Ed.

Thank you.

Interesting.

I still think it's a fucking disgrace of a choice, but okay, there you go.

I think one of my favourite drink moments, I really remember very vividly, one morning, just a normal morning like any other, and I woke up and I didn't brush my teeth or anything.

I just went straight downstairs.

I'd forgotten.

Normally I brush my teeth before having breakfast, but I didn't do it that morning.

I just woke up and just walked downstairs, forgot, poured myself a glass of apple juice, took a swig, and it was like someone had taken like those defibrillators and put them on my tongue and electric shock to my tongue.

It tasted so, whoa!

Like my tongue just went from being all scummy and like, you know, asleep and all covered in whatever.

And then, whoa, I just woke up and it felt so good.

And I was like, this is the best feeling in the world.

I love apple juice straight away in the morning now and it was like i never really recreated it again but that first time it happened it felt so good i thought wow that's such a sensation i am speechless that that even had a name that it was called a drink moment a drink moment for james yeah he loved it drink moment for me yeah and then it actually turned into it was a drink moment i didn't even know how you're going to land with that one but you you landed It was impressive.

It's a really clear, vivid memory for me of doing it.

I was a teenager.

Oh, this is your teenage years.

Yeah.

And you've never tried it again since.

Yeah, I've done it again since, but it's not the same effect because it's not caught me off guard.

I've anticipated it every time since.

I've been doing it deliberately.

Right.

That time it was like, I'd forgotten that I hadn't brushed my teeth yet.

And it was just like, whoa!

It's how all, I think, you know, drugs and things like that work.

It's always the first time, and you're just chasing that high.

You're chasing that highlet.

I'm chasing the dragon.

I'm chasing that apple dragon.

You should wake up.

like in the middle of the night and try and surprise your body and have a swig of apple juice.

I should ask my girlfriend, because I always have a glass of water by the side of the bed, I should say to her, just one night a year, don't tell me what night it is, switch that glass for apple juice.

That's a brilliant idea.

Don't tell me about it.

That's a brilliant idea.

And in the night when I can't see what I'm drinking, I'll have a swig.

I'll be like, whoa,

it's the drink moment.

It happened again.

And you know what?

I think, because it's you, if you said to your girlfriend, switch my water with apple juice one night in the year, don't tell me when, she would not bat an eyelid.

She'd be like, all right, yeah.

Of course, you're right.

Of course you're asking me that.

Yeah.

Have you been hanging out with Ed again?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like when you asked me to change the hand type for honey.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, what?

I made that.

That never happened.

Don't worry.

But the fact you believed it does speak for all the

so we're having a little bit of a break now before dessert, I imagine.

Maybe you're out in the beer garden having your capella cloudy apple juice.

I like that.

Although Nigerian restaurants don't have beer gardens, James.

They just have gardens.

Okay.

That's nice.

I think there'd just be an outdoor section.

I don't know if we'd call it a beer garden.

I think there'd be...

Yeah.

Oh, nah.

It wouldn't be an outdoor.

It'd just be the outdoor.

It'd be the outdoor after-party section.

That's what it'd be.

There'd be a DJ out there.

Definitely be a DJ out there.

Who's DJing in the dream restaurant?

Oh,

easy, I think.

If we're going to pick someone at the Nigerian restaurant, actually.

No, it's not easy.

At the Nigerian restaurant, who is DJing?

Black coffee.

That's a good vibe, I think.

Black coffee.

Appropriately named for your drink course as well.

Would you like your apple juice to be sponsored by Apple to plug your radio show?

No.

Is that what you're doing?

Are we going to look back and find out every single course is deliberately designed to plug something in your career?

Yeah.

I would never do that on purpose.

For your side dish, I'd like one beetroot.

So beets, one.

Yeah, very good.

I can't believe how much I hate you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was going to ask you if you wanted ice in it before realising what a dumb question that was.

At least you've been listening to me.

That's

I've been taking it in.

You don't want dirty tap water in your apple juice.

Yeah.

Stop making it sound like it's a bad thing that I don't want dirty tap water in this.

I just don't want it.

No, I think that's one of the things that's genuinely going to change my outlook on things when anyone brings me a glass of water with ice in it.

I don't think I'm going to be able to drink it without thinking, Julie Adanuga said this is dirty tap water.

We arrive at the dessert.

I'm feeling good about this, you and I, both.

That's the reward.

Yes.

Like you said.

I really like your philosophy on the whole meal, the meal as a whole.

I think you've been right about every course.

I'm looking forward to hearing what the dessert is.

Oh, no, that's a lot of pressure, James.

Yeah.

It's calamari, isn't it?

No, it's the greatest dessert of all time.

There are no arguments about this.

I think every single restaurant in the world should have this dessert.

Oh, yeah.

I love this build-up.

There's no reason to not have it.

And when done correctly, it honestly tastes like heaven.

My dessert is an apple crumble

with custard, not an apple almond rhubarb crumble.

Not fucking

an apple crumble with fucking, you know, like a 0.1% layer of crumble and

heaps of apple.

a fucking equal or more crumble,

apple crumble

with warm custard, not ice cream, never ice cream.

If you bring me apple crumble with ice cream, I will throw it on the floor and I will hope that some of it splashes up onto your face.

Well, if you throw apple crumble with ice cream on the floor, I'm going to get on the floor and open my mouth.

Why?

Because it's delicious.

It is the only thing to have with apple crumble.

No, no, no, wait.

What?

The only thing to have with Apple Crumble or Rhubarb Crumble.

James says that!

You need the cold and the hot together.

So the ice cream starts melting in this little rivers.

James, I know you agree with me on this.

I don't agree with you.

You agree with me that you need a cold thing on the hot crumble.

You said it the other day.

Oh my gosh, what's that?

Well, here's the thing.

Yes, I do like cold things

on the hot crumble.

However,

my.

You look horrified, but listen, hear me me out.

And

I'm not just saying this to be in the middle here.

My genuine topping of choice on a hot apple crumble, and I agree with you about the ratios as well on the crumble, is cold custard.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I'm not upset about that.

Why are you not upset about that?

I'm not upset about that.

That's fine.

Ice cream on crumble is the fucking dumbest shit in the whole world.

Well, all ice cream is is very cold custard.

It's just, don't do that.

Don't do that.

It's just very cold custard.

If you continue, you're going on my list and you'll be the only person on there.

This is my favourite episode.

I'm happy to be on that list if it's for ice cream on crumble.

That is a hill I will die.

Let me explain.

If it's an apple pie, go ice cream crazy.

Can you hear my stomach rumbling?

This is how hungry I am.

If it's an apple pie, go crazy with the ice cream.

Go mad with the ice cream.

Get all the ice cream in there.

If it's a pie.

Yes.

Go ice cream crazy.

See, I go custard.

On a crumble, right?

Excuse me?

I'd go custard on pie.

Carry on.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Because of the crispy pastry, I'd like to get the it in the custard and make it a bit soggy and yeah.

No, I want to keep the you wanna cr keep the pastry.

You're disgusting.

You're actually disgusting.

You're actually nasty.

It is nasty.

I'm gonna tell your girlfriend she deserves better.

She shouldn't be making fucking pavlova, rabbit-shaped pavlovas for you.

Yeah.

Let me explain.

Crumble, yeah?

You need...

I can't believe I'm being spoken to like this by a woman who would put gravy on calamari.

I did not say that.

That is not a direct quote.

You don't lie.

Direct quote.

I like calamari with gravy.

But with crumble, okay, you need the ratios to be correct.

You either want more crumble or equal to the apple.

You never want less crumble.

Agree with that.

The reason why the custard works so well with the crumble is because when you pour it on top, the way the custard seeps into the crumble,

it's like a marriage of

fucking beauty and fucking

deliciousness.

It cannot be replicated in any other way.

And then when you push your spoon through the custard, through the crumble, into the apple, it's just like the earth's core.

You know, like how hot the earth's core is, yeah?

It's like just...

It just feels and tastes and looks like what happiness is.

You like the way it seeps in?

It's all of it.

You know, like, remember, you know, like when they showed you like a cross-section of the earth and you can see like the Magnus rock and the summary, you you know, like it just looks beautiful.

Like when it's ice cream, the ice cream, yeah?

Just a ball of like a scoop of fucking shit ice cream, yeah?

It doesn't seep, it just sits across.

No, it doesn't.

Absolutely.

No, it melts.

What ice cream are you talking about?

Exactly.

That's my point.

You know, when ice cream melts, it's just bullshit.

Melted ice cream is bullshit.

Have you not noticed that?

Melted ice cream is cream.

And that is shit.

Cream on a

crumble is bollocks.

So when you have the scoop of the ice cream with the crumble,

they don't merge.

It's like just smashing two solids together.

It's pointless and stupid.

And you, Ed,

you, Ed, are getting a mute and a block on social media for your ridiculous preferences.

I'm really upset that you eat ice cream and apple cream.

That has really upset me.

Of everything you spoke about today, that is upsetting.

All through that little rant there you had about custard and crumble.

I was just thinking about having vanilla ice cream on hot apple crumble.

That's how basic you are as well.

You're such a basic bitch.

Not basic bitch.

I do think that if you're going to put ice cream on an apple crumble, which I personally would not do, I'd choose the cold custard.

But I think you do have to choose vanilla ice cream if you are doing it.

I would.

I think that is the flavour you should choose.

Do whatever.

It doesn't matter because you shouldn't do it anyway.

Do you know what I mean?

That's like saying if you are going to kill someone, you know, you should shoot them in the head.

Well, you shouldn't even kill anyone in the first place.

So whatever you're going to do, it's bollocks, whether it's vanilla ice cream, strawberry, chocolate, it doesn't matter.

It's all stupid and it shouldn't be done.

And Ed, I'm going to make you change your mind because it makes me angry that you are living a life with crumbling ice cream.

You're just waking up in the morning thinking that that's normal.

It just, it really infuriates me.

I'll be honest.

It was a pretty, you...

Pretty quickly went to shooting someone in the head while you were talking there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty angry about that.

Just an example that Julia happened to pluck out of the air.

We already know you got a toaster in your bedroom, so now I'm worried.

I think, Ed, when you were listening to Julie's description there, didn't you think that the description of the custard and how evenly it covers the crumble,

even though the ice cream melts, it's not covering everything evenly.

But I don't want it.

Listen, I don't want everything covered evenly.

I want some silence.

Sorry,

you need to give James a moment of silence after that because that was extra.

That was so.

Oh, that was like Einstein with E equals MC squared.

Yeah, I'll give him a moment of silence to commemorate the death of an idea.

E equals MC squared.

Right?

That was genius.

Genius.

You don't want everything evenly covered.

You want some spoons with just crumble, some spoons with just apple, some just apple and crumble, and then some spoons with the ice cream, the apple, the crumble.

What is he talking about?

Anytime

I've been in the situation where there's been ice cream on a crumble or something, all I'm thinking is about the ratios all the way through i'm thinking oh it's not melting fast enough i'm gonna have a big load of ice cream on its own at the end here oh oh that's a problem for you now is it james are you kidding me suddenly you don't want a load of ice cream by itself at the end that's it's your life your life is a big load of ice cream at the end if you want to eat ice cream by itself then do that if you want to eat an apple crumble by itself then do that I will and I'll put them together.

You can't put an lump of ice cream next to it and think, you know, sometimes I'm going to get a bit of crumble by itself.

Sometimes sometimes i'm gonna get a mixture of all three sometimes it's like what are you doing what is it that you want to do today right good impression of me first of all well done

no i'm sorry that just to me that sounds like you're a very indecisive person who doesn't actually know what they want in life and so what you do is you give yourself options within your one dessert of having ice cream by itself crumble by itself or a mix that's silly that's that's why you like starters because you don't actually know what you want so you get a starter and then you're like this was all right but i'm not gonna have it for my main.

And then you get a different main.

I'm ambitious, Julie.

I want it all.

She's destroying it.

I want it all, Julie.

I want to have a taste of everything.

Why not?

Nah, that's wrong, Ed.

If you want something, you go and you get it.

If you want apple crumble and ice cream, you should have one where the ice cream and the crumble come together as one.

They're a unique.

Yeah, I want apple crumble.

I want ice cream and I want the two together.

I don't want what you want, which is a big load of a bowl of sludge, is what you want.

You want a bowl of sludge you want to take all the crisp out the crumble by covering it in custard and you want to mix it all up and you want to eat it like you're in an old people's home and I for one think it's absolutely disgusting

oh are you being eldist elderlist elder realist are you are you being ageist yeah yeah I am also he's being a hypocrite he's being a hypocrite because he said that he likes putting custard on his apple pie to make the pastry less crispy no i want some crispy i want some not crispy i want to be able to vary it i'm sorry i want a life i i i want a a life of variety.

Nah, yeah.

You're one of them people that just like, I mean, you like social media and that, innit?

Like, you love having loads of followers and you like loads of people knowing your business and you like to see everything.

And you just, you can't just pick what you want and stick with it.

You can't just, you, you want a bit of everything.

People like you ruin the world.

Right.

Well,

that is the harshest attack anyone's ever had on this podcast.

Sparkling water ruined the world earlier.

And now it's me.

Yeah, yeah, you and sparkling water.

But it's the same, same, Ed.

It's the same, same.

It's the most aggressive attack that's ever been on the podcast.

And I still don't understand why it started with the social media stuff.

Yeah, no, no, me neither.

Just angry.

Absolutely no idea what that had to do with like you know ice cream and apple crumble.

Oh, you're the kind of person who likes social media and you like and you like all of your followers and

you're what's wrong with the world.

What?

You set me off on a tangent.

This is how passionate I am about crumbling custard.

It's just, look, what it makes me do.

It makes me shout at people that I actually like.

I really like you, Ed.

But I think you can both agree.

This is my attempt to unite you.

Okay, go on.

So we're in the restaurant.

Judy, you're eating your apple crumble with your hot custard.

Ed's on another table.

He's got a bowl of apple crumble with ice cream.

You're in another room, but keep going.

You're both staring daggers at each other.

It's not going well.

In walks a new customer.

They sit down at a table in between the two of you okay and they order an apple crumble with a jug of pouring cream do you both hate that person yeah despise them there you go i would actually invite ed to my table and we would sit and eat our crumbles and talk about the stupid person with pouring cream who's over there you know what i do on the way over to your table i'd knock their cream all over their lap

yeah excellent yes it'd go all over their phone while they're checking all their social media

media those pouring cream assholes i'm going to read your your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water.

Still.

Room temperature, no ice, no lemon.

Fuck, sparkling water.

Yes, definitely I banned.

Poppadoms or bread?

Poppadoms in quarters, e.g.

9 o'clock, 12 o'clock, with curry and rice on top of it.

Like a pizza slice.

Starter.

Pass.

Oh, God.

Main course.

Ground rice made by your dad with beef at a goosey stew and tomato stew on top made by your mum.

Side dish, plantain.

Yes.

Drink, capella cloudy apple juice out in the garden, black coffee's DJing.

Dessert, apple crumble, more or equal crumble to the amount of apple with warm custard on top.

Ed is on another table.

You invite him over when the pouring cream person comes.

That is absolutely amazing.

I would look, here in the menu back, it is nice.

Ah

also, I take back all of the mean things that I said to you about your whole ice cream crumble situation.

No, you don't.

I can see it in your eyes.

You don't take any of those.

No, look at my eyes.

I'm taking it back.

I've taken it back.

Yeah.

Okay.

But I love the menu.

I love this restaurant.

I'm going to get you guys some trad to wear, some traditional Nigerian clothes to wear when you're serving up so you fit in.

Otherwise, you look a bit weird in pink tops.

Who do you think will look better?

in the trad clothes?

I'm going to be honest with you, James.

This sounds like it's going to be Ed.

Yeah, it's definitely Ed.

It's Ed.

But I just,

I didn't want to lie.

That's right.

I don't want to lie, but I'm going to get you a nice hat.

I think you'd look good in the hat, James.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Julie.

Thank you for having me.

We've got a lot of leftover hot custard.

You can take that with you because we won't be needing it again.

No, James can wait for it to cool down and then he can have it after.

Let it go, Cole.

Pass it this way.

There we have it.

The off-menu menu of Julie Adenuga.

What a lovely menu, I've got to say.

It's a pity there were so many arguments to get there.

Were there?

I felt like I got on with her really well, me and Julie.

You just sat there.

You let Julie attack me for my perfectly valid views.

Well, and you sat there on the fence.

Everyone's got different...

different viewpoints.

I happen to agree with Julie on those ones.

You don't.

I know you like, I know you like cold ice cream on crumble.

Look, I would prefer cold custard.

Tell the truth now.

Look, Julie's gone.

Julie's gone.

So tell the truth.

Do you like cold ice cream on crumble?

And do you agree with me that it is nice?

Yeah, but it's not my preference.

James?

My preference is cold custard.

So should you have maybe backed me up and said that, that you don't mind cold ice cream on crumble and that you would eat it?

No, no, no.

I'll take it if it's going.

Yo, look, hey.

Yeah.

I'm going to take it if it's going.

Yeah, exactly.

And if you, you know, that if you'd said that to Julie, she would have torn strips off you.

No, not me.

So you kept it.

No, so you kept it quiet.

Julie's my friend.

She wouldn't have done that.

You're the one tearing strips off me, actually.

I think you're the bully, actually.

Benito?

Are you bullied again?

Thank you very much.

We mentioned the cherry pies there that were sent to us from Chinchin.

Absolutely delicious.

Yes.

Absolutely delicious.

Thank you.

I'd like to say thank you to Carma-Cola as well, if I may add.

They sent me some raspberry lemonades.

Yes, they sent me some too.

Oh, did they?

Yeah.

Means less now.

All right.

Big fan of Carmicola in this house anyway.

Especially the lemony lemon.

Yeah.

Love lemony lemon.

I love the gingarella.

Oh, a load of Estrella.

Did you?

Yeah.

Unexpectedly?

Unexpectedly?

Yeah, I didn't even know that was coming.

I know that what's happened there.

You've been told about it, you've forgotten, and then it's arrived.

Yeah, unexpectedly.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, and thank you to Julie for not saying tongue.

Yes, well done, Julie.

Although if there's any people who are in the tongue game and would like to send me some tongue, you're very welcome.

Sure.

Do not send it to me.

I'll only forward it onto Ed.

Send me some tongue.

I'll make a pie or something.

Isabella da centre ooze.

Don't forget that Catfish UK is on Wednesdays at 9pm, only on MTV.

Check that out.

Julie is hosting with Uber Butler.

It's going to be a great show.

Fantastic.

At Off Menu Official on Twitter and Instagram.

Offmenupodcast at co.uk is the website.

Whole list of restaurants that are on there.

Jamesacaster.com.

Go on there.

And there is a link to my latest special, Colors and Ya Hate Myself 1999, which you can buy and watch as many times as you like.

But as we all know with your stuff, you have to take a little break now and again.

Oh no.

You can't watch too much of it.

So look, I'd say before you buy James's special, go on to Netflix and watch.

As much repertoire as you can handle in one sitting.

And if it's not very much, there's no point buying another one.

Is there?

Oh,

dear.

Oh, this is not the right podcast to have promoted my stand-up on, actually.

I should have chosen a different episode.

This is very damning.

Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu.

We will see you again in the Dream Restaurant sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Hello, I'm your dad's friend Lou Sanders and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

Hmm.

It's better than it sounds actually.

I talked to special guests about cuddling.

Hmm, there's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself.

Guests include Catherine Ryan, Richard Dosman and Alan Davies.

It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download.

I'd love you to listen, but you're gonna be the loser if you don't.

It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling.

It's business gone crazy.

It's available on Apple Podcasts, of course, it is.

ACast, yes.

Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now, please.

Don't be an absolute dick piece.

At Certopro Painters, we know that a happy place comes in many colors, like ones that inspire a sense of wonder, or a new flavor that makes life just a little bit sweeter, or one to celebrate those moments that lift you to new heights at home or at work.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul?

The dad from succession

at off menu podcast that's what benito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and ed people have been asking us battering us bothering us actually they want to watch the stephen graham supercut from the stephen graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us everything that he did or benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on youtube he's going to do it follow us at off menu official on tick tock at off Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.