Ep 95: Rosie Jones

Speaker 1 James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world. Yes.
Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall? I have. We've done live shows there.
And guess what?

Speaker 1 We're doing more live shows there next year. Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.
But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone. Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

Speaker 1 The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March. It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.
Those shows have been a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 We cannot wait to do them live. Who will we pull out of our little magic bag? You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

Speaker 1 If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September. Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.
And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

Speaker 1 So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later. The day in between is for reflecting.
Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Speaker 1 And we're back live during a flex alert. Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

Speaker 2 And that's the end of the third.

Speaker 3 Time to send it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Speaker 1 What a performance by Team California.

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Speaker 1 Hello, it's the off-menu boys here. You're listening to our podcast now.

Speaker 1 Just a quick message to tell you about some exciting things that are coming out soon from former guest of the pod and good friend of the pod nish kumar wow what's nish nish is an excellent comedian uh we respect him as a comedian if not i mean not as much respect him as a person but as a comedian we respect him so much one of the best out there and he's got two audio specials coming out in your nature to destroy yourselves part one and part two out on the 19th of march they are indeed out on the 19th of March.

Speaker 1 Two fantastic albums. What an amazing show.
I saw it many times live. And they will be available on all streaming and download platforms.
Go and get it. Can't stress this enough.

Speaker 1 Don't respect him as a person, only respect him as a comedian. But this is him doing his comedy.

Speaker 1 If he was releasing an album of just him chatting, so it was like an experience of you could pretend he was in the room, I would not be plugging it. No, we would not plug it.

Speaker 1 Don't respect him as a person, only respect him as a comedian. Nish Kumar, In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves, Friday, 19th of March, parts one and two, on all streaming and download platforms.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, where we dip hot and crispy chat into cool humour. Hello, James.
Hello, Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster.
Yes, full name, James Acaster.

Speaker 1 Full name James William Bartholomew Acaster. Oh,

Speaker 1 not far off. Not far off.
William's right, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now I'm trying to remember. Now, you have a funny middle name.
I have an amusing middle name. I've got two, actually, now.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm very annoyed that I can't remember them because I think that one of them is funny. Have you seen my hit show Blood Sugar, James?

Speaker 1 I have seen your hit show Blood Sugar and your very funny routines about your father and him giving

Speaker 1 you and your siblings bad middle names. I'm a member that his cat is called Mutabi.
Matatabi, close. Matatabi.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Matatabi. That's even funnier.
Now, see if you can guess my middle names. Benito loves guessing games.
He loves guessing games. I feel like it's something...
Like you're named after some soldier.

Speaker 1 Or is it like your sister's middle name? That's my sister's one. I'm just gonna reveal what it is.
My middle name's Stevenson. So, anyway, anyway, this is not a names podcast, James, is it?

Speaker 1 No, no, it's a food podcast. We have a guest into the dream restaurant, and we ask them what their favourite ever starter main course, dessert, side dish, and drink is.

Speaker 1 And people get annoyed that I say it in the wrong order, but you know what? I don't care. He doesn't care.
The guy couldn't care less. And this week, our guest is

Speaker 1 Rosie Jones. Rosie Jones.
She is a wonderful stand-up, a soon-to-be-published children's author, author, which is hilarious because, as you'll hear, she is a very rude lady. Yep.

Speaker 1 She has a wonderful podcast of her own called Daddy Look at Me with Helen Bauer. Yes, she does.
We've both been guests on that, so go and check that out.

Speaker 1 It's about the things you used to do when you were a kid, when you used to show off to try and get your parents' affection, etc. It's very, very funny.
Go and check that out. But

Speaker 1 James, even though she has all of those wonderful things and she's such a wonderful comedian, if she has a secret ingredient, which we don't like, we will kick her out of the restaurant and the secret ingredient this week is rose water rose water

Speaker 1 we don't need that shit thank you oh i mean it just i don't see the point in it the flavour's just a bit nothing i'd rather have normal water to be honest it's like having a bit of bath water get into your mouth yeah yeah that is exactly what it's like so i'm all for kicking rosie out if she says it if she says it she's getting out i s i suspect that she won't say rose water i'm gonna put it out there i've she's never given me a rose water vibe, to be honest.

Speaker 1 You know, no, but who? Yeah, we couldn't resist it. Her name's Rosie.
Her name is Rosie, that's true.

Speaker 1 So, actually, even if she orders any water, technically, she's ordered Rosie water, which she's out for that, right? Fair enough. Yeah, let's kick her out for that.
All right, cool.

Speaker 1 Well, here is the off-menu menu of Rosie. Rosie Jones.
Rosie Jones.

Speaker 1 Rosie Jones, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. This is the first time we've had a guest where you can hear them being excited before I've said anything.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Rosie Jones, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Speaker 1 Say, I heard a rumor

Speaker 1 that you had banned me.

Speaker 1 Yes. Who did you hear that rumour from? You

Speaker 1 I'm the guy who said that I mean

Speaker 1 I've been waiting

Speaker 1 I've been in that queue

Speaker 1 for years

Speaker 1 and every

Speaker 1 time

Speaker 1 I get near to the door

Speaker 1 you shoot it Yes. Why?

Speaker 1 Why do you hate me? It's a good question.

Speaker 1 James is the one who's clearly banned you. I wasn't aware of this arrangement.

Speaker 1 Does this come from you, James? Yes, I banned Rosie.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think she's disruptive. We try to keep a quiet restaurant here where everyone can just relax.
She's very disruptive. She's a bully on occasion.
I'd say she's a bully.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 1 no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not making you sound like a bully at all, Rosie. I am not a bully.

Speaker 1 I build

Speaker 1 characters.

Speaker 1 That's what you're doing. I get it, right? Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, James, were you worried that Rosie was going to build our characters too much if we weren't going to just do that? I don't like that we're building characters in the dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 And I thought she was going to come in and try and build our characters.

Speaker 1 And also, I was worried that I thought banner now before she gets on because I reckon if Rosie said the secret ingredient, I think she would refuse to leave if we tried to kick her out the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, we could never think. Now she's in, she's we're not getting rid of her.
No, the palaver on her hands.

Speaker 1 I brought my suitcase

Speaker 1 and I'm here to stay.

Speaker 1 Well, isn't she gonna live here now? Yeah, become part of the whole world. Yeah, every time we have a guest on, yeah, we're gonna have to give her a job.
Yeah, what what job would you like?

Speaker 1 Well, can that be the doorman?

Speaker 1 No, no, because you you seem to just want to refuse people, you're just there saying no, no, no, no, no all the time. You sure? No,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I want it to be

Speaker 1 my restaurant.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 why

Speaker 1 does

Speaker 1 anyone else

Speaker 1 need to come in?

Speaker 1 I'm here though.

Speaker 1 You can just

Speaker 1 cook for me

Speaker 1 all day,

Speaker 1 every day.

Speaker 1 I mean, you really are missing. You're missing out if you're just listening to this, which you are because we don't release a video.

Speaker 1 But the gesture Rosie did when she said, cook for me all day, every day. I mean, it was like watching a four-year-old girl at a princess party, just going,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 yeah, you

Speaker 1 pull aloft, but both your hands in the air, and you stuck your bum out to the side and did a little

Speaker 1 squidge motion, a squidge motion-that's what it was. Yeah, squished her whole body together like that.
Yeah, that's what she keeps doing.

Speaker 1 You want to be the bouncer and stop everyone else getting in, so you can eat all the food, yeah, right.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 what's your problem with that?

Speaker 1 See, I mean, immediately, this is like you know, justifying my decision.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 maybe

Speaker 1 we could do a takeaway

Speaker 1 thing

Speaker 1 up

Speaker 1 under

Speaker 1 bouncer.

Speaker 1 People come to the door,

Speaker 1 say what they want,

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 we make it,

Speaker 1 I eat it,

Speaker 1 and then I tell

Speaker 1 them if it's good or bad. Right.
It doesn't seem like a great takeaway, I'll be honest.

Speaker 1 So the takeaway is that they know if it's nice or not.

Speaker 1 The main takeaway from this is that you're a bully.

Speaker 1 Oh, they say,

Speaker 1 how could I be a bully? I'm a little dear chapel crazy. Right.
How long did that take? How long did that take for that to be the excuse?

Speaker 1 It's a secret ingredient

Speaker 1 and the printed tables.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The secret ingredient is disability.
Unfortunately, you've got to leave the restaurant now.

Speaker 1 Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I'm very

Speaker 1 happy to be here. We're very happy to have you here.
Despite James trying to ban you, I think it's going to be a good one. I'm looking forward to hearing your menu, Rosie.

Speaker 1 You like your food? You're a foodie? Oh my

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 I love food

Speaker 1 so much.

Speaker 1 So much.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 much

Speaker 1 that January,

Speaker 1 my

Speaker 1 first word

Speaker 1 was

Speaker 1 all

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 and I only

Speaker 1 started speaking

Speaker 1 because I ran out of food

Speaker 1 and I needed to say all gone

Speaker 1 which meant

Speaker 1 more

Speaker 1 get your shit together

Speaker 1 and get me more

Speaker 1 fucking tooth

Speaker 1 Rosie, I'll tell you something, and this is true. My first words were all gone as well.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I used to hold up the plate

Speaker 1 or like tip it upside down and I would say, all gone, like that. And that was my, that's my first words.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, James. Do you know what mine were?

Speaker 1 What? Poached salmon.

Speaker 1 That's not true. It was food-based, though.
It was hot. Oh, I had something hot, and I went hot, hot.

Speaker 1 Oh, did you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's quite cute.

Speaker 1 I am quite cute. I'm an absolute cutie pie, actually.
No, no.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Too far.

Speaker 1 And then my

Speaker 1 first

Speaker 1 sentence

Speaker 1 was

Speaker 1 actually

Speaker 1 quite

Speaker 1 complicated.

Speaker 1 It was,

Speaker 1 shall we all

Speaker 1 go to McDonald's?

Speaker 1 Is that a good idea?

Speaker 1 Rosie, I absolutely don't believe that, that your first sentence was that many words and so specific. Well, it was,

Speaker 1 we go McDonald.

Speaker 1 That good idea.

Speaker 1 Right, now we're getting to the bottom of this line. It wasn't, shall we go to McDonald's? Is that a good idea? It was we go to McDonnell.
That good idea.

Speaker 1 We go McDonnell, that's a good idea.

Speaker 1 I mean, of all the

Speaker 1 abbreviations for McDonald's I've ever heard, I think McDonald is my favorite. Yep.

Speaker 1 Be adopting that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so to that,

Speaker 1 it's always,

Speaker 1 yes,

Speaker 1 it is

Speaker 1 a good idea

Speaker 1 to go to McDonald

Speaker 1 all day, every day.

Speaker 1 Unless you're going with me, and then you might get angry. Yeah, James's McDondon order is absolutely awful.
I said McDongdong.

Speaker 1 That's not the same place. That's a different place.
But that is always a good idea to go to McDongdong. Was your McDondon order? Diet Coke.
Starting with the drink.

Speaker 1 So that should tell you how bad it is that he starts by telling you the drink.

Speaker 1 Diet Coke. Grilled chicken wrap and a bag of carrots.

Speaker 1 Initially laughed, now angry.

Speaker 1 The catchphrase has come back.

Speaker 1 It's a McNono for Rosie.

Speaker 1 Carrots.

Speaker 1 Yeah, carrots.

Speaker 1 What's your McDonald order? Actually,

Speaker 1 controversial.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's not as

Speaker 1 fucking word as it.

Speaker 1 But you know what? I like as chicken selects.

Speaker 1 It comes in freeze or fives.

Speaker 1 So obviously let's say I get ten.

Speaker 1 Ten chickens select

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 bag of chips.

Speaker 1 Matt Fuller.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's more of a standard McDonald order, but you're right, it's still quite weird.
I don't know why, what's wrong with a Big Mac or a quarter pound of a cheese?

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you people? I mean, we're going ahead of the game

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 I don't like Bradfield.

Speaker 1 What is the point of Brad you

Speaker 1 get in

Speaker 1 nothing

Speaker 1 give

Speaker 1 me more meat

Speaker 1 That's all I need

Speaker 1 Brad

Speaker 1 Volkoff Alright, I knew that was coming.

Speaker 1 Well, let's start with still a sparkling water and then we're gonna delve into this bread situation a little bit more. I've been

Speaker 1 I've been burnt by this

Speaker 1 a bit for

Speaker 1 tap.

Speaker 1 You should give

Speaker 1 me a better tap water

Speaker 1 cause I don't trust you.

Speaker 1 You're a sneaky bugger.

Speaker 1 You're gonna go still

Speaker 1 shabby

Speaker 1 and I say stick

Speaker 1 and then you slap on

Speaker 1 a 30-pound water bill.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 patch me a tap

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 do it for myself. You are a sneaky bugger, James.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, well, for a second, there, I thought, like, I'd done something to Rosie in the past, and it was still a sparkling water that I'd forgotten about.

Speaker 1 I tricked her and gone, like, do you want to steal a sparkling water, Rosie? And then come back with some massive trick, massive prank. I don't even know what it would be.

Speaker 1 But you mean waiters in general? Yeah, waiters in general.

Speaker 1 I once spent £40

Speaker 1 on water.

Speaker 1 What? £40.

Speaker 1 Where? It was the Lowry

Speaker 1 Hotel.

Speaker 1 We went for

Speaker 1 New Year's Eve one time

Speaker 1 for a

Speaker 1 slap up mail.

Speaker 1 10 pounder bloody bottles. Shandow

Speaker 1 wherever I go, I'm like tap,

Speaker 1 tap.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 1 Hello, tap.

Speaker 1 Cold tap or hot tap? Cold.

Speaker 1 Cold.

Speaker 1 And yeah,

Speaker 1 sparkling water is the devil.

Speaker 1 I hate it.

Speaker 1 You could

Speaker 1 not pay me to drink it.

Speaker 1 What was that?

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 What

Speaker 1 it fizzes

Speaker 1 for no reason.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't think it fizzes for no reason, Rosie. What do you mean it fizzes for no reason? There's bubbles in it.
It's fizzy because it's got carbon dioxide in it.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, no. I do sort of agree with you that when you really think about sparkling water, there's no purpose for it.
It doesn't really, it's not exciting.

Speaker 1 Like coke and stuff is exciting because it's all sweet and delicious and bubbly and it feels like a Willy Wonka thing. Yeah.
Sparkling water, not no, not at all.

Speaker 1 What kind of a tap do you want me to use when I'm getting your tap water?

Speaker 1 What's your favourite tap design? Oh,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 this is such a great question.

Speaker 1 It isn't, but thanks.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 I like cold to go.

Speaker 1 I like my heart and my cold

Speaker 1 to be separate.

Speaker 1 So you know what you're getting.

Speaker 1 None of that swingy bullshit.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 sometimes you don't know what you get.

Speaker 1 Now, I want an individual

Speaker 1 cold one.

Speaker 1 Lit

Speaker 1 screw it,

Speaker 1 pour it,

Speaker 1 screw it back.

Speaker 1 Lovely glass and cold one.

Speaker 1 You know what I say?

Speaker 1 I'd say key

Speaker 1 keep and separate

Speaker 1 and you like the screw taps as opposed to the push-you-pull ones

Speaker 1 or motion sensor.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 not a motion sensor.

Speaker 1 Don't you ever, ever assume

Speaker 1 that you know when I want water

Speaker 1 I want to be in control but yeah i think you're in control of the motion sensors though they don't start running water when you move like 50 meters away you have to like wave it over the thing

Speaker 1 yeah but sometimes

Speaker 1 they stop

Speaker 1 too soon

Speaker 1 you think you're in control but actually

Speaker 1 the tap

Speaker 1 controls you

Speaker 1 We've got a little sink with one of those like waterfall taps where the top of the tap is like missing deliberately. So you see it come out and then it like falls off the edge.

Speaker 1 But we very rarely use it. So every time you turn it on, it basically coughs a load of water at you.
And it's exactly the height of my dick.

Speaker 1 So whenever I try and wash my hands in there, I come out looking like I've pissed myself. Great.

Speaker 1 Big gosh,

Speaker 1 you have.

Speaker 1 Because I have, but it's actually a very convenient fault to have.

Speaker 1 Pop it absorbed

Speaker 1 you know this

Speaker 1 every

Speaker 1 single day of their work

Speaker 1 give me that popped on

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 it should crack

Speaker 1 a love it crack love it

Speaker 1 a crack you

Speaker 1 what's your problem with bread because bread is delicious by itself. You can have amazing bread, put some butter on it, lovely, a lovely sandwich, Rosie Jones.
What about a lovely sandwich? Now

Speaker 1 you said

Speaker 1 a sway word to me

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I literally like

Speaker 1 all food.

Speaker 1 I do. I do like bread,

Speaker 1 but on my terms.

Speaker 1 But the only thing I do not and will not eat is

Speaker 1 butter.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I don't do

Speaker 1 any type of butter.

Speaker 1 But of course you do. It's in loads of stuff.

Speaker 1 Well I eat it, but I can't see it.

Speaker 1 But in terms of butter on bread

Speaker 1 now,

Speaker 1 dry

Speaker 1 bread,

Speaker 1 dry cracker,

Speaker 1 cause I find it too greasy.

Speaker 1 Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 I do like bread,

Speaker 1 but I don't like white bread,

Speaker 1 buns, rats,

Speaker 1 sweet bread,

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 1 butter,

Speaker 1 That's white bread.

Speaker 1 I love a French

Speaker 1 stick. Yeah, white bread.
So I love anything with

Speaker 1 a little bit of a crunch.

Speaker 1 But no,

Speaker 1 white bread. Absolutely.
Go for yourself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all of those things you said were white bread. Well, no, I know what mosi means.
Sliced white bread that's all, you know,

Speaker 1 sugared up and made in a

Speaker 1 bad sliced white bread. I only very, very, maybe once a year, I think.
I'd really like some just shit toast. No.

Speaker 1 No, no, I know. I know.

Speaker 1 Popper dumbs are bad. All my pot badums.

Speaker 1 What dips are you going for with your poppa dums? And how are they less messy than butter? I like all the dips on one pot of them.

Speaker 1 So you're talking

Speaker 1 mango chocolate

Speaker 1 right there

Speaker 1 and a red one.

Speaker 1 What's a red one?

Speaker 1 It's really hot, isn't it? The hot the hottest one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So when you cook but you need to eat it quickly before

Speaker 1 it goes soggy

Speaker 1 and eating it quickly

Speaker 1 means a lot of then dips

Speaker 1 go

Speaker 1 in your eyebrow.

Speaker 1 Straight in the eyebrow,

Speaker 1 obviously. No, I think it's mostly on the cheek area,

Speaker 1 but you do get some

Speaker 1 black back.

Speaker 1 In an Indian restaurant, you must be the only person who actually uses the hot towels they bring at the end.

Speaker 1 Now, you missed out some classic dips there, but the lime pickle is the one that people will be most.

Speaker 1 No, don't like it. Don't like it, Jim Bob.

Speaker 1 It's a bit too hot

Speaker 1 and it's a bit too chunky. I got a jar of lime pickle for Christmas, my main present for my parents this year.
They bought you a jar of lime pickle. They were cleaning out their cupboards in November.

Speaker 1 The Christmas just gone. That was my main present for my mum and dad was a jar of lime pickle.

Speaker 1 Why don't they like you?

Speaker 1 I have to ask them. I mean, good question.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Basically,

Speaker 1 with me having several palsy,

Speaker 1 I try

Speaker 1 to eat them retires

Speaker 1 because that's how I find

Speaker 1 my true friends.

Speaker 1 Whenever I want to test

Speaker 1 someone's loyalty,

Speaker 1 I would take them to a restaurant

Speaker 1 and all

Speaker 1 Ribs

Speaker 1 Because if you're willing to sit there and watch it a do

Speaker 1 with seven seven

Speaker 1 Paul Day

Speaker 1 eat some brilliant sticky ribs

Speaker 1 and get them

Speaker 1 frankly

Speaker 1 everywhere.

Speaker 1 We're talking

Speaker 1 face,

Speaker 1 trousers,

Speaker 1 top,

Speaker 1 shoes,

Speaker 1 table,

Speaker 1 waiter on your hair.

Speaker 1 Like if you're willing to go

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 sit here

Speaker 1 and watch

Speaker 1 that absolute

Speaker 1 motivation.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 a good

Speaker 1 friend.

Speaker 1 I really want to go for ribs with you now, Rosie. Because look, I get messy eating ribs as well.

Speaker 1 But I feel like if I was with you, I'd also feel a bit more comfortable in just really letting loose and we could just go absolutely rib crazy.

Speaker 1 That's the thing, Warner.

Speaker 1 I just

Speaker 1 do not give a shit.

Speaker 1 I mean, if there was ever a statement that someone didn't have to make.

Speaker 1 Let's get on to your starter, Rosie. How messy is this? Actually,

Speaker 1 not messy at all.

Speaker 1 I think you're gonna hate me

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I need to warn you

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 I won't be here for about 12 hours

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I like

Speaker 1 eating

Speaker 1 slowly.

Speaker 1 Surprise, surprise.

Speaker 1 I'd love if they brought back surprise, surprise, and Rosie was the host. Oh, Rosie, please, if you could host a reboot of surprise, surprise, that is good.
Oh my

Speaker 1 god.

Speaker 1 But between

Speaker 1 the first surprise and the second surprise,

Speaker 1 everyone will get

Speaker 1 the surprise to me.

Speaker 1 So, my

Speaker 1 starter,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 I think it'll take me about three hours

Speaker 1 to eat,

Speaker 1 and it's just

Speaker 1 crush

Speaker 1 your talk

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 toy glutch

Speaker 1 you just have poppa dumps

Speaker 1 also Rosie you st you started we started this interview by you saying oh my god I love food I'm such a foodie and your starter is and I and I quote just crisps

Speaker 1 just crisps

Speaker 1 but lay

Speaker 1 i don't think you want this standard

Speaker 1 to get your love

Speaker 1 okay sorry take us through again okay

Speaker 1 toy goods

Speaker 1 fingers

Speaker 1 bacon ratches

Speaker 1 then little

Speaker 1 onion rings

Speaker 1 show

Speaker 1 and finigan sticks

Speaker 1 I want peanuts as well,

Speaker 1 peanuts,

Speaker 1 cushion,

Speaker 1 I want then cheese,

Speaker 1 straws,

Speaker 1 oh, I want hula,

Speaker 1 I want derito

Speaker 1 of every

Speaker 1 flavor.

Speaker 1 I want nicknuts,

Speaker 1 but I

Speaker 1 need a barbecue

Speaker 1 rib

Speaker 1 version

Speaker 1 I want their crinkly

Speaker 1 mini cheddars I don't want walkers

Speaker 1 because I feel like I can get walkers

Speaker 1 anywhere You can show any of those things you've said anywhere every single thing you've said you can get in the same shop you can get the walkers yeah Yeah, you're not travelling to Calais for the rest of the mile.

Speaker 1 You've just ordered a load of bar stacks,

Speaker 1 this is now, you know, you did the move earlier. This is now the four-year-old girl demanding what Chris she wants at her princess party.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it's more about

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 environment

Speaker 1 and just the fact that I'm there and grazing, and eating

Speaker 1 and having all my favourite snacks in one

Speaker 1 place.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with

Speaker 1 that?

Speaker 1 Do you want it all in one big bowl, Rosie, or do you want it in separate bowls?

Speaker 1 No!

Speaker 1 I want to be in...

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, did I say pretzels?

Speaker 1 No, I don't. I mean, you said everything else, but yeah, yeah, maybe

Speaker 1 you missed pretzels. I think you missed out pretzels and pork scratchings, and that was it.
No,

Speaker 1 Jim, Jim Bob, I don't want

Speaker 1 porch scratchings. I want pretzels.

Speaker 1 I want to be in control of

Speaker 1 where I dip.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 now,

Speaker 1 in one ball, you're gonna

Speaker 1 get the

Speaker 1 cheesy de ritos

Speaker 1 on the toy draw more months of cheesy toy drago.

Speaker 1 Actually, it sounds quite nice now you've said that. Melted cheese and marmite

Speaker 1 cheese and marmite, yeah.

Speaker 1 I imagine you rosie with like 50 bowls all lined up in front of you on the table and you're dipping in and going back and forth really quickly.

Speaker 1 Uh, and it's like you know, when you see people people with loads of glasses with different amounts of water in, and they play it like an orchestra.

Speaker 1 I see you playing the snacks like a water glass orchestra. Yes.

Speaker 1 See,

Speaker 1 this is also

Speaker 1 a question

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I hope

Speaker 1 that in your restaurant you're able to provide

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 a table

Speaker 1 that looks a bit like a donut.

Speaker 1 So, ideally,

Speaker 1 I want to sit

Speaker 1 in the middle and have a table

Speaker 1 surrounding me.

Speaker 1 So, I get three

Speaker 1 sixty

Speaker 1 swivel.

Speaker 1 So, I'm like

Speaker 1 got that.

Speaker 1 No, you didn't say what sits. Red Watsit shall be hanging to me

Speaker 1 and I got every

Speaker 1 bring go

Speaker 1 lined up

Speaker 1 in front of me.

Speaker 1 Do you want the table to rotate like a lazy Susan around you or do you want to spin round on your chair in the middle? or do you want both to spin round and you see what happens?

Speaker 1 Oh my god, please again, the table rotate.

Speaker 1 Do you want to be in charge of how the table rotates, or do you want it sort of slowly going round so you can just like pick as it goes around a bit like a yo sushi belt? Converter belt? No, no, Ed.

Speaker 1 How do you not know literally about me?

Speaker 1 I need to be in control.

Speaker 1 I need to control

Speaker 1 every little detail

Speaker 1 of one

Speaker 1 and where

Speaker 1 the table

Speaker 1 rotates.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And please,

Speaker 1 please, about

Speaker 1 every

Speaker 1 20 minutes,

Speaker 1 you'll surprise me

Speaker 1 with a different

Speaker 1 snack.

Speaker 1 So I'm always

Speaker 1 excited.

Speaker 1 Did you say quavers? Did you mention quavers?

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 mentioned a quaver,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 bring the quavers

Speaker 1 but only

Speaker 1 cheese.

Speaker 1 Don't bring me that prone cocktail shit. Okay.
Now, I'll be honest with you, Rosie, this doesn't, this is not my sort of starter.

Speaker 1 I like nuts. I like the nuts element.
That's great. I think I might be a bit of a crisp snob, you know.

Speaker 1 I don't like quavers, Watsits, Twiglets,

Speaker 1 the chipsticks. I don't like any of that.
I like proper, like, my favourite crisps here, Rosie, are Torres Black Truffle Potato Crisps. Oh, for Kras.

Speaker 1 They are phenomenal. Have you had them?

Speaker 1 No, Bray Coach. I'm not a pretentious

Speaker 1 prick.

Speaker 1 Well, I am. I'm happy to be a pretentious prick if I can sit there with a big bowl of black truffle crisps, munch it away all day long.
Yum, yum, yum. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Space invaders.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 I've had that one lined up to ask.

Speaker 1 A big bowler space. Do you mean space raiders? Raiders,

Speaker 1 not

Speaker 1 raiders.

Speaker 1 Weirdly, even though, like, you know,

Speaker 1 we've talked about a lot of crisps, there are still some ones I'd like to ask you about and see if you like them or not. This one often gets forgotten, I'd say.

Speaker 1 I'd say you only remember these crisps, it even exists when you see them, but yet they're one of the most common ones.

Speaker 1 Squares.

Speaker 1 No, no. Oh, you're right.
Honestly,

Speaker 1 earlier today,

Speaker 1 a little voice in my head was like

Speaker 1 squash

Speaker 1 and I went no no

Speaker 1 they taste of nothing

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 that's fair enough. Well how do you think they've kept going that long? Because they're no one's favourite crisps right? Because they've always are not fair.

Speaker 1 I think parents

Speaker 1 who hate their kids

Speaker 1 buy them.

Speaker 1 Really, we should move on and talk about your main course. I mean, oh God, I've just remembered this is your starter.
I was sat here going, oh, we really should move on.

Speaker 1 We haven't had Rosie's starter yet.

Speaker 1 In the back of my mind, thinking, it can't be just crisps. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What? AC wrong word for that.

Speaker 1 What I like about it is when I'm saying that it's a controversial choice of starter, you look at me as if as if how can anyone not pick just crisps for a starter?

Speaker 1 It's the only choice for a starter is just loads of crisps. Honestly,

Speaker 1 I'm a fan of the poll cats, but I'm not listening to them all.

Speaker 1 I'm when I pick this

Speaker 1 as I always

Speaker 1 notice

Speaker 1 someone else must have done just crisps, it must be every other episode. How

Speaker 1 have you ever done just

Speaker 1 crisps? I don't think yet we've had anyone say, for my starter, I would like to eat crisps for three hours. I don't think we've had that yet.
No.

Speaker 1 I thought it was for three hours.

Speaker 1 It is yours so lovely because

Speaker 1 you never get bored.

Speaker 1 You never get full.

Speaker 1 You just revolve in that table

Speaker 1 and crunching those sweet sweet crisp bits

Speaker 1 what have I

Speaker 1 never

Speaker 1 gone into a restaurant

Speaker 1 and been able to order

Speaker 1 just a shitload of crisps

Speaker 1 well maybe throughout your meal we might surprise you every now and again with a packet of different crisps and see what you think.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh, that has been incredible.

Speaker 1 Can I get a different

Speaker 1 crish?

Speaker 1 French one

Speaker 1 each.

Speaker 1 Yeah. For you, we'll do that.
Absolutely. We've never done that before in off-menu, but yes, for you, Rosie, we'll give you a different crisp in between each cock.

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Speaker 1 So, we come to your main course, which I imagine is

Speaker 1 a load of chocolate bars, what we're talking about now.

Speaker 1 I think you'll

Speaker 1 meet that, John.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 again,

Speaker 1 I want to grab

Speaker 1 show

Speaker 1 and stay in with the revolving table.

Speaker 1 But I am having

Speaker 1 tat patch

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 everybody's meal.

Speaker 1 You're talking

Speaker 1 potatoes, brat patch.

Speaker 1 I love a little bread, I love a little panton tomato,

Speaker 1 I love a lot of seafood.

Speaker 1 I like chippy rules,

Speaker 1 which is

Speaker 1 moony octopus.

Speaker 1 I love bolt rones,

Speaker 1 which is sardines.

Speaker 1 I love our bandigats,

Speaker 1 which is meatballs. That's so good.
I love charito.

Speaker 1 I love have all the hams.

Speaker 1 All the hams.

Speaker 1 I'll have all the cheeses.

Speaker 1 Cause I'm being sneaky.

Speaker 1 And I was

Speaker 1 gonna have cheese for pudding.

Speaker 1 Don't have me. Obviously, I do.

Speaker 1 But now I can have a cheese section

Speaker 1 behind me.

Speaker 1 It's behind you.

Speaker 1 All the man care

Speaker 1 in the world.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my

Speaker 1 nana is Spanish.

Speaker 1 So you could just

Speaker 1 rope her

Speaker 1 pork

Speaker 1 in the kitchen

Speaker 1 and she'll cook her brilliant.

Speaker 1 Certainly in my eyes, Rosie, I feel like you might have redeemed yourself from the Just Crisps situation.

Speaker 1 I absolutely love all of that. I love Spanish food.
Albundigas, especially, those meatballs are absolutely incredible. So great.
Tell me, you didn't mention croquetas.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 How did

Speaker 1 that annotate

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 you can get meat fish or veg

Speaker 1 croquettes.

Speaker 1 I think I'll go for

Speaker 1 some mushroom croquettes

Speaker 1 because I got enough

Speaker 1 meat

Speaker 1 and seafood

Speaker 1 at either side of me.

Speaker 1 So I just put the croquetas

Speaker 1 in their little

Speaker 1 arc

Speaker 1 in front.

Speaker 1 How do you Rosie Jones handle going to a tapas restaurant with other people?

Speaker 1 Great question.

Speaker 1 You need to go with the right

Speaker 1 person.

Speaker 1 So you need to go with someone that you're on the same level with.

Speaker 1 You know

Speaker 1 that it flesh pretty

Speaker 1 on the table.

Speaker 1 You should

Speaker 1 know in your heart or parts that you are getting

Speaker 1 too oblivious.

Speaker 1 Shit

Speaker 1 kicks off

Speaker 1 a bad bad one

Speaker 1 and that

Speaker 1 another

Speaker 1 person

Speaker 1 goes in for the third.

Speaker 1 Then

Speaker 1 I get nasty.

Speaker 1 What what sort of shit kicks off? I start

Speaker 1 being a little passive aggressive.

Speaker 1 I honestly can't even imagine that

Speaker 1 any level of passive from Rosie Jones is an unimaginable situation.

Speaker 1 I'll go. Um, oh

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 for me,

Speaker 1 I feel

Speaker 1 they had

Speaker 1 one obligation,

Speaker 1 one,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 if you think that's yours,

Speaker 1 go ahead.

Speaker 1 And usually

Speaker 1 they do

Speaker 1 back

Speaker 1 up and shit themselves.

Speaker 1 But if they

Speaker 1 go, oh, I haven't been counted

Speaker 1 and go, well I have,

Speaker 1 and that's your life.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend is the perfect person for me to go to tap us with because she loves food, she loves all the stuff we order.

Speaker 1 We always over-order, but then she fills up quite quickly, so she'll have a taste of everything. And then I go into, then I really start eating.

Speaker 1 I'm ground sweeping, then I'm just annihilating everything that's left.

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 the best of words I can hear is someone going

Speaker 1 I'm done

Speaker 1 it's all yours

Speaker 1 because then

Speaker 1 all

Speaker 1 holding me back

Speaker 1 I'm going

Speaker 1 yeah their catchphrase is I'm done and your catchphrase is all gone

Speaker 1 perfect viewer

Speaker 1 basically we're all we're all divided into one of two categories: it's all gone or I'm done. And you need to pair up.
If you're an all-gone, you need to pair up with an I'm done to go to Tampa.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 it flashed that I'm done

Speaker 1 out there,

Speaker 1 who's a little gay lady

Speaker 1 looking for

Speaker 1 a disabled

Speaker 1 human hooper

Speaker 1 who

Speaker 1 almost

Speaker 1 always

Speaker 1 had some ribs

Speaker 1 in their eyebrows.

Speaker 1 Come get me. Yeah, what a great dating advert this is.
Disabled, all gone, seeks little gay lady, I'm done.

Speaker 1 I may get a t-shirt.

Speaker 1 Oh, and as we get to the end of that main course, I just bought over for you a lovely packet of salt and vinegar discos.

Speaker 1 Oh

Speaker 1 my

Speaker 1 god,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's really

Speaker 1 good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but

Speaker 1 I mean we talked about snacks a lot, but I don't think

Speaker 1 I emphasize

Speaker 1 how much I I like salt and vinegar. No, you didn't.
So you

Speaker 1 absolutely nailed it. So when I was a kid, salt and vinegar was my favourite and cheese and onion was my least favourite.
I like cheese and onion now but I definitely thought it was either or. Me too.

Speaker 1 I'm the other way around.

Speaker 1 Guys, it's because you're look you two are you two are both all gone. First one was all gone.
You love salt and vinegar, hate cheese and onion.

Speaker 1 I was all about the cheese and onion, baby. Any way to get more cheese into my system when I was a little boy

Speaker 1 stinky

Speaker 1 durkee bog.

Speaker 1 Ah, Rosie, how did you feel about this?

Speaker 1 This is my first real big, like, you know, it's very confusing for me as a kid when they, when walkers swapped the colours of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion.

Speaker 1 They swapped the green and the blue. I mean, they shouldn't adorn that should they

Speaker 1 to me always

Speaker 1 salt and vinegar is blue and cheese and onion is green. Yeah.
It makes sense doesn't it because onion should be green right in my head. Yeah and salt

Speaker 1 from the sea is supposed.

Speaker 1 There you go

Speaker 1 and I hate to just keep talking about crisps but I have really got drawn into Rosie's crisp chat I'm afraid Ed

Speaker 1 and it's just nice to hear someone shout we can do it look i try i try i tried to chip in i tried to chip in with my opinions of tores tores black truffle crisps but i was roundly shouted down they do an iberico ham flavor as well no you can't call me

Speaker 1 you're some bullshit crisp

Speaker 1 that no one's ever heard of are you kidding me they're so popular at my local shop when they get new shipments in they don't advertise it because they know they're going to get a ruckoff.

Speaker 1 I went down there the other day. There were none left on the shelf.
I had to go around to another aisle and I found the boxes and I opened a box and got three bags out and bought them.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, did they take it here?

Speaker 1 It says the lady's sitting in the middle of the rotating table for the crisps.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Benito saved a screenshot.
Ah, so this is the question. Why did you switch the colours of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion flavour walkers crisps?

Speaker 1 We're often asked this: our salt and vinegar and cheese and onion flavor crisp packs have always been the colours they are today.

Speaker 1 Contrary to popular belief, we've never swapped the colours around, not even temporarily. We've no plans to change these designs.
So, you guys have invented something happening. Bullshit.

Speaker 1 They're bullshit. Yeah, they are bullshit.
It was a massive thing. I love that Acast has finally turned into a conspiracy theorist, and of course, it's crisp-based.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course, this is what's got me.

Speaker 1 Let's go on to your side dish to accompany all the tapas you've just had. Here we go, crisps.
I may unrespect it.

Speaker 1 This was happy because

Speaker 1 technically all my ditches

Speaker 1 are sad dishes.

Speaker 1 So I decided to go different

Speaker 1 and something you don't get in a tat patch restaurant, really.

Speaker 1 I'm having a cigarette.

Speaker 1 It was the only thing left behind the bar at the pub you roaded for your starter.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 no, no. They said a pop

Speaker 1 cigot cake. Got you.
We're talking

Speaker 1 Ronald

Speaker 1 Big Shortsage of villain.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 maybe

Speaker 1 two tapes and reaped in that short sides.

Speaker 1 And just

Speaker 1 a nice

Speaker 1 crutch

Speaker 1 crumby

Speaker 1 south side. Which is called breading, Rosie.
I don't know if you know that. It's called breading.
And you've already, you said you don't like bread.

Speaker 1 So, unfortunately, we're not going to be able to give you that. We're giving you a scotch egg with crushed-up poppadoms around the outside.

Speaker 1 You never bought them. Oh, no, I walked into it.

Speaker 1 I would

Speaker 1 make it quick.

Speaker 1 You did that to Shabbat.

Speaker 1 Correct. And actually,

Speaker 1 Yes, Shabla said, Edward.

Speaker 1 That sounds lovely.

Speaker 1 This is the menu, the only menu that we've ever had where I don't want to like it, but

Speaker 1 I like it a lot.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 a hot scotch egg with a runny yolk in it. Yeah.
With two types of meat in the... I do like that.
I mean, this is great. I would personally choose...

Speaker 1 you know, pork and probably black pudding,

Speaker 1 I would like as my two types of meat. what would you have yeah

Speaker 1 that's what I had because I think the black pudding with the pork oh and driply you're thinking about it yeah pork black pudding runny yoke pop a dump

Speaker 1 on the outside

Speaker 1 i love posh scotch eggs like like proper big posh scotch eggs with runny middle. So good.
When I was first properly getting into food, like I was just discovering restaurants and all excited about it.

Speaker 1 I went to meet my friend at a restaurant called the Harwood Arms, which is like a gastro pub. And he was half an hour late and I was really angry about it.

Speaker 1 And then the man, the waiter came over and went, while you're waiting, we do scotch eggs. We're quite famous for our scotch eggs.
Would you like a scotch egg with a drink?

Speaker 1 And I had a big scotch egg and a pint of lager. And the evening went downhill when my friend arrived.
I've never been happier than I was with that scotch egg and a point of lager.

Speaker 1 Now Rosie, I can tell you what crisp I've got you, or

Speaker 1 I've actually got them right here. So what I could do, little game, I could turn my camera off and I could crunch the crisp and you can guess from the sound what crisp it is.

Speaker 1 Never been happier. Never seen her happier than this.

Speaker 1 I love

Speaker 1 games so actually

Speaker 1 it people can play games with me

Speaker 1 throughout the meal that will be all here we go putting my camera off you can't see me

Speaker 1 that's the sound of the bag here we go a single crisp

Speaker 1 very nice i think this is what people imagine off menu is if they've not heard it. I'll be very impressed if you get this, Rosie.
I'm going to put my camera back on now.

Speaker 1 I think it was a big crunch,

Speaker 1 but not just that.

Speaker 1 I think it was a thick

Speaker 1 crunch.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to say...

Speaker 1 Monster Munch. Interesting.
Ed? I was honestly going to say Monster Munch as well. I think that's what it sounded like to me.
But then also I thought,

Speaker 1 why hasn't Rosie said Monster Munch yet? Why is that not on her revolving table? So I'm also going to go with Monster Munch. Okay.

Speaker 1 If you're listening at home, now's your time to pause the podcast, make a guess yourself.

Speaker 1 The answer is pop chips. Oh!

Speaker 1 It was pop chips.

Speaker 1 And you know,

Speaker 1 I should have known it was pop chips, Rosie, because I was also sent some pop chips. But

Speaker 1 actually,

Speaker 1 you reminded Dodge of Munster Munch.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I'll keep the pop chips.

Speaker 1 But can you also go and get me

Speaker 1 some pickled onion munch and munch? It is the best flavour of Monster Munch, still to this day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hot,

Speaker 1 I do like the hot one,

Speaker 1 but beef, no. Beef stinks.
When Ed was a little boy, the only monster munch he could ask for was the hot one, wasn't it, Ed? Yeah, hot, hot.

Speaker 1 I actually, can I just say, I don't think I'm giving myself enough credit when I was a small boy.

Speaker 1 Hot was my first word, yeah, but I was actually, I was very developed in my language skills, but I took a long time to get control of my

Speaker 1 bladder and butt. So my mum always says, to sum me up as a child, I could stand at the bottom of the garden and say, mother, I appear to have done a poo in my pants.

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Speaker 1 We come to Rosie Jones's dream drink.

Speaker 1 So I think

Speaker 1 right now, I've been there for about seven hours.

Speaker 1 so I'm flagging a little bit

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I am tired of

Speaker 1 moving

Speaker 1 the table around

Speaker 1 so I'm gonna have

Speaker 1 a little pet pop

Speaker 1 I'm having a nice spresso martini

Speaker 1 yes if anyone needs a espresso martini less it's you, Rosie.

Speaker 1 Honestly, if I walk into, I mean, this is a long time ago now, given where we are in the world, but if I walk into a bar and I see Rosie Jones there, it's the most energetic person I could possibly expect to see.

Speaker 1 Just like the atmosphere changes. Rosie's screaming.
She's coming over. She's shouting in your face.
She's excited to see you. You are an espresso.

Speaker 1 You are a replacement for an espresso martini for me. The idea of you having an espresso martini, surely everyone else in the bar ends up dead.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 actually,

Speaker 1 I don't enjoy it

Speaker 1 any day-wise.

Speaker 1 It doesn't change anything

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 we can't get higher.

Speaker 1 I've honestly been on the night out and had about

Speaker 1 10 extra

Speaker 1 martinis,

Speaker 1 gone home slat like a baby like

Speaker 1 no more back

Speaker 1 how

Speaker 1 I'm sort of the same with coffee really I could I could probably but I'd probably only do like three espresso martinis just because they were too sweet really yeah but yeah I it doesn't really affect my energy levels or or or sleep or anything does it you James Affects me.

Speaker 1 For years Rosie, I didn't have caffeine in my diet at all and I cut it out of my diet.

Speaker 1 And then I started like drinking diet cokes and stuff like that again, which tasted like real Coke when I started drinking it again.

Speaker 1 And it was very weird actually. But every now and again, I do have a coffee or something like that if I feel like I need one.
And I really do struggle. to get to sleep later on in the day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it really, really affects me. And once, the last like meal out I had was just before, so it's early 2020, and me and some friends went to Copenhagen to go to NOMA.

Speaker 1 It was a very, very special meal. And at the end, they gave us some like cold brew coffee kombucha

Speaker 1 that had a bit of booze in it. And it was so good.
And I just kept on drinking them because it was like one of the nicest drinks I'd ever had. And I did not sleep a wink.

Speaker 1 I was alarmed at how much it had affected me. I felt like I'd never sleep again.
And you haven't?

Speaker 1 And actually also, this year, all during lockdown and stuff like that, anytime I've had a little bit too much Cherry Pepsi Max or anything like that, I can't sleep at night.

Speaker 1 Everyone else's lockdown has been like, oh, I think I'm eating too much or think I'm drinking too much booze at home. There's sort of no way of distinguishing between the weekdays and the weekends.

Speaker 1 I think I'm having too much. James is like, I'm having too much Pepsi Max.

Speaker 1 I can't sleep anymore. I'm having too much Pepsi Max.
My mum's not here telling me to put the bottle down.

Speaker 1 I don't speak like that, do I?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Effect your mail.

Speaker 1 So I've never, ever had an espresso martini. Oh, mate.
Don't. Because that is a road you can't go down because they are absolutely delicious.
They're truly delicious.

Speaker 1 We arrive at your dessert. You've kind of put my mind at ease already by saying, you know, you're not going to have the cheese and biscuits.
You had some cheese earlier. You had the manchester.

Speaker 1 You've had cheese. So I'm happy because you've had cheese, and James is happy because it's not going to be in the dessert.

Speaker 1 Yeah, oh, although we should have given you another packet of crisps before your dessert, I've got a suggestion, James, or do you got one in the chamber? No, I haven't really. I was struggling.

Speaker 1 Okay, here's one that's not been mentioned. I think it fulfils what you like with strong flavours, Rosie, but I don't know if you like this particular flavour.
Nice and spicy knickknacks.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 mentioned

Speaker 1 rib knitknacks earlier.

Speaker 1 Um, I'll think they're my favourite,

Speaker 1 but nice and should I say yes,

Speaker 1 please.

Speaker 1 Scampy,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 That was the most aggressive flavour though. It was like lemon and scampy, wasn't it? It was really full on.
I mean I love

Speaker 1 knick-knack,

Speaker 1 but their flavours

Speaker 1 are bat shit.

Speaker 1 I had lemon scampy knick-knacks at a kid's birthday party when I was also a kid. And I ate so much of them.
I was, because I thought they were so delicious.

Speaker 1 And then I puked, and it was the bad, most worst puke ever.

Speaker 1 So much regret.

Speaker 1 You've had your hot and spicy knickknacks. Now we come to the dessert.
I'm really worried

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 am I

Speaker 1 moving

Speaker 1 away from my table

Speaker 1 absolutely not?

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 1 want

Speaker 1 sweets.

Speaker 1 Just some sweets.

Speaker 1 Just some sweets, please. I want some round worms,

Speaker 1 some yellow babies,

Speaker 1 some yellow beans,

Speaker 1 some dolly matches,

Speaker 1 some

Speaker 1 strawberry laces,

Speaker 1 some red brown pencils.

Speaker 1 I want a few

Speaker 1 chocolate things

Speaker 1 in there.

Speaker 1 So I want buttons

Speaker 1 and red balls

Speaker 1 and milk buttons

Speaker 1 and all

Speaker 1 keep the pretzels

Speaker 1 and I like some chocolate pretzels.

Speaker 1 I want some

Speaker 1 white

Speaker 1 mice

Speaker 1 and yeah I want them all in individual

Speaker 1 bowls. Yeah.
And I want to dip

Speaker 1 in and out.

Speaker 1 Just stop doing that gesture like it's not the fiftieth time you've done it in the last hour, Rosie.

Speaker 1 We know you want lots of bowls and that you want to dip in and out. This is essentially you pretending to be an octopus for 12 hours while you're in a restaurant.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, those are all very good sweets. They're not.
They're not. The white mice are an absolute abomination.

Speaker 1 They ruin this whole meal for me if you're having those white white mice. No.

Speaker 1 No, here's the thing, Rosie. I was about to bring up the exact same thing.

Speaker 1 So, you know,

Speaker 1 we were both there thinking, when you started saying that, I'll have some, and I bet Ed went through this as well. You went, I'll have some chocolate.

Speaker 1 And we both thought in our heads, because you were going like quite pick and mixy up until that point. It immediately made me think of chocolate mice.
And I thought, well, she won't choose that.

Speaker 1 And then it'll be a subject we'll bring up afterwards. We'll say, and Rosie, how do you feel about chocolate mice? And she'll say she hates them because everyone does, and then we can talk about that.

Speaker 1 So I think we're both very surprised. Yeah, no,

Speaker 1 I do recognize

Speaker 1 that it is shit chocolate. I do get that,

Speaker 1 but that's why I like it.

Speaker 1 It's your childhood

Speaker 1 in a little

Speaker 1 mouse.

Speaker 1 I guess it is your childhood and a little mouse. Yeah, you realised how ridiculous that was halfway through saying the word mouse there.
You thought, I've got to finish it. Here we go.

Speaker 1 It's your childhood and a little mouse.

Speaker 1 See, I'm not a sweet, I'm a big chocolate guy. I'm not a sweets guy.
Mainly because, as a type 1 diabetic, what you've basically done there is picked...

Speaker 1 an entire circular table full of what I might need in an emergency. You could save my life with this meal, Rosie, but I don't want to sit down and enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Whoa,

Speaker 1 you're...

Speaker 1 I'm the same now because I think when I was a kid, I really overdid sweets. I wasn't that into chocolate, but I'd go to the, there was a corner shop and also a tuck shop after Cubs.

Speaker 1 And both of those, I went absolutely mad just buying so much sweets. Like when I, with my pocket money for my parents, I remember when it went up to two pounds.
And I, my first question was:

Speaker 1 Am I allowed to spend all of this on sweets?

Speaker 1 And they said, Yes,

Speaker 1 the best. I was like, This is like 200 sweets from the shop.
And also,

Speaker 1 as soon as I learned the guy couldn't be bothered to count them all, I was like, Well, obviously,

Speaker 1 this is now the best day of my life: 500 sweets in the corner shop. That's so great.
What was your shop growing up that you'd get all your sweets from? I didn't have a corner shop near me.

Speaker 1 I remember every

Speaker 1 Saturday

Speaker 1 we did the big shop

Speaker 1 at Safeway

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I do not know why but every Saturday me and my brother

Speaker 1 would

Speaker 1 play

Speaker 1 a game

Speaker 1 with the Jiff

Speaker 1 Lemon

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 you know the lemon juice

Speaker 1 that looks like a lemon.

Speaker 1 We will try

Speaker 1 to smuggle it

Speaker 1 into

Speaker 1 the shopping trolley

Speaker 1 without my dad seeing

Speaker 1 and then

Speaker 1 the game would be to get it home

Speaker 1 without dad knowing.

Speaker 1 We will never

Speaker 1 steal it,

Speaker 1 but it will be a case of

Speaker 1 when you was paying.

Speaker 1 You needed to

Speaker 1 strategically

Speaker 1 hide it on the conveyor belt.

Speaker 1 And then when the person

Speaker 1 beat it through,

Speaker 1 you needed to quickly put it in the bag without him knowing.

Speaker 1 And every Saturday without fail,

Speaker 1 he would be unpacking

Speaker 1 and they'd pick the lemon.

Speaker 1 And every

Speaker 1 week you see him go,

Speaker 1 I don't remember.

Speaker 1 Just adding it to a pile of lemons.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When Bush had done it for about two years.

Speaker 1 He never,

Speaker 1 ever,

Speaker 1 quite human.

Speaker 1 I'm going to read your order back to you now, Rosie, and we'll see how you feel about it. Benito's just sent through the menu to our WhatsApp group so James can read it out.

Speaker 1 And let me tell you, it's going to take five full minutes. James? Yep.
Water, tap, pop-lombs or bread, pop-lombs of mango, chutney, writer, and the red one. Starter, three hours of crisps.

Speaker 1 Twiglets, Pringles, bacon, rashes, onion rings, salt and vinegar, sticks, peanuts, cashew nuts, cheese straws, hula hoops, Doritos, every flavour, knickknacks, only barbecue, rib flavour, crinkly mini cheddars, pretzels, what's it's quavers, brackets, cheese, space raiders, all in separate bowls, plus surprise snacks every 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 That's the starter.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Main course, tapas, every dish. Patatas, bravas, little bit of bread with tomato, lots of seafood, octopus, sardines, meatballs, chorizo, all the hams, all the cheeses, mushroom, coquettas.

Speaker 1 Afterwards, surprise, salt and vinegar discos. Side dish, pork and black pudding, scotch egg, hot with popadom bread in.
And surprise pop chips and pickled onion monster munch.

Speaker 1 Drink, espresso martini, plus some surprise, nice and spicy knickknacks. Dessert,

Speaker 1 some sweets,

Speaker 1 mamoams, jelly babies, jelly beans, dolly mixtures, strawberry laces, rainbow pencils, chocolate buttons, revels, chocolate pretzels, white chocolate mice, childhood in a little mouse, separate bowls for all of them yet again.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about that when I read that back to you?

Speaker 1 I could not

Speaker 1 be happy.

Speaker 1 I'm glad someone is. Everyone,

Speaker 1 every

Speaker 1 There's no need to do another

Speaker 1 episode!

Speaker 1 Thank you very much, Rosie. Thank you, Rosie.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 And I am

Speaker 1 so happy.

Speaker 1 Well, quite the menu there from Rosie.

Speaker 1 And when I say menu, I do, of course, mean the entire contents contents of a small shop yes fair enough dream meal have a rotating table and have everything on it please I tried to challenge her on it I tried to be mean to her about it but there was she was genuine about that menu her eyes genuinely looked quite upset when I when I said that it was rubbish and I don't like sweet she was like but this is my dream menu this is my dream Yes, and she was so respectful to you about your choice of crisps.

Speaker 1 So it's the least you could do was to return the respect.

Speaker 1 Exactly, that's true. She's a very respectful lady who did not say rosewater.

Speaker 1 And we decided against kicking him out just for saying any sort of water at the start. Yeah, no, that seemed wrong.
That seemed wrong. But I kind of wish we had kicked her out, to be honest.

Speaker 1 Of course,

Speaker 1 if it turns out they do make a rosewater Maoam, she is out on her ear. Yeah, so, you know, TBC.
Oh, by the way, the secret ingredient this week, the rosewater, was suggested on Twitter by Can Denz.

Speaker 1 So thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you for that. Can

Speaker 1 if you want to suggest a secret ingredient, something that you don't like that you think should be a secret ingredient in the restaurant, tweet us at offmenuofficial.

Speaker 1 Yes, please, because we cannot think of any more. Yes, we've run out of ideas.
Initially, we

Speaker 1 put the question out, can you tell us some secret ingredients? And I'd say 80% of the tweets we got, and there are a lot of them, were all things we'd done previously. There you go.

Speaker 1 Hopefully sweet chili sauce came up a lot, the most controversial one we've ever done, but I stand by it. No, I stand by it as well.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 yup horrible horrible horrible stuff oh i'll have a big pile of glue please no thank you yep that just tastes like the worst type of sugar and put that on your food what and that's james a caster saying that yeah

Speaker 1 if there's something sweet he doesn't like it must be horrible exactly that's like winnie the poo turning down some honey uh rosie has lots of stuff going on like i say she's written a children's book yes she's also done a tv show which i think you've been on haven't you james mission accessible where rosie jones travels the uk to find the most accessible places, tourist attractions, events, everything that you could do.

Speaker 1 She had me on one of the episodes and she left me in a cave. Yes.
She treats us like absolute shit, doesn't she? She treated me so badly. I can't believe we got her on this podcast, actually.

Speaker 1 We're such good friends

Speaker 1 to her. And then she comes on this podcast and she left you in a cave and she's mean about my crisps.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 Equal sadness. Equal sadness.
Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 I'll go for that. Equal sadness.
So go and check that out. Check out Daddy Look At Me, the podcast she does with the very funny Helen Bauer.

Speaker 1 Before we go, I'd like to say thank you to Native at Home, who sent me a lovely Cook at Home food box that I'm going to eat tonight. So I'm very much looking forward to our cook at home meal.

Speaker 1 And also, a little promo.

Speaker 1 If you go to my website, jamesacaster.com, you'll now be able to find my latest show. Well, latest show.
I filmed it in 2019. But we've been able able to release it finally.

Speaker 1 It's on jamesacaster.com, Cold Lazania, Hate Myself 1999.

Speaker 1 You can go and buy the show there, and also there's a little bonus show called Make a New Tomorrow that goes along with it.

Speaker 1 I think it's a tenor for all of it, which is like two hours and 45 minutes of comedy. Not worth it, not worth it at all.
I've seen it. Not worth it.
Oh, hold on a second.

Speaker 1 I just went along with what it's no worth it.

Speaker 1 Do get it. It's very good.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Dinings SW3,

Speaker 1 who sent me an amazing duck udon kit,

Speaker 1 which is very exciting. It was the Susaru by Masaki Duck Udon Noodles, which I think they're releasing as a sort of limited edition thing.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I can't wait to have it. Also, Ed, we have been sent quite a few cook at home boxes lately, and I really loved the bagel box from the Good Egg.

Speaker 1 Delicious. Man, that was so good.
I absolutely love that. Check out the Good Egg for all your bagel and babka needs, which should be high.
My babka needs are now high.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've got a big loaf of babka. I'm looking at it right now.
It's on the sofa. It's on the sofa.
Yeah, it's just sitting on the sofa in its box, big box of babka. Also,

Speaker 1 thank you to Black Bear Burgers for sending me some lovely burgers. Delicious.
Thank you very much for listening to me, Ed Gamble, and Lil Winnie over there. We will see you again sometime soon.

Speaker 1 Goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 5 Hello, there, listeners. Can we recommend you a new podcast?

Speaker 3 It's been going for three years, but it'll be new if you listen to it now. My name's Stevie.
My name's Dessa.

Speaker 3 And we host the Nobody Panic podcast, which is all about how to be a functioning adult without consistently screaming and or crying all the time. Although crying is okay, crying is good.

Speaker 5 Listen to our episode on how to cry at work. It's all kinds of different how-tos from how to be creative to how to concentrate to how to begin a small talk.
Thank you, Stevie.

Speaker 5 We bring our experience, which is sort of minor, and then we get experts in to really give the advice.

Speaker 3 We release podcasts every Tuesday and it's on Apple Podcasts, ACAS, Spotify, basically wherever you get your podcasts, we're there.

Speaker 3 We're there, we're ready to impart not our advice necessarily, but the advice of others to help you get through your day and your life.

Speaker 5 Are we we selling it yet? I'd like to say that we're much better in the podcast than we are on this advert. Please do come over and check what we're like on the real thing.

Speaker 3 Oh yeah you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Speaker 6 Hello, I'm Carrie Add. I'm Sarah.
And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast. We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.
The date is Thursday 11th of September.

Speaker 6 The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.
Single ladies is coming to London. True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

Speaker 6 At the London Podcast Festival.

Speaker 1 The rumours are true.

Speaker 6 Saturday, the 13th of September. At King's Place.
Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.