Ep 79: Wyatt Cenac

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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If you froth up this podcast, you can actually turn it into a poducino.

Lovely stuff.

Yeah.

Well done.

Don't just look at me like there was more than that.

That was perfect.

No, no, no.

I was still laughing because before that

you tried to do the outro before the intro.

Oh.

I then told Bonito that he was wasting tape.

He's not recording it on tape.

Yeah, but

maybe.

Memory, mate.

Memory.

Basically, I'm trying to work with professionals.

Unfortunately, there's no professionals in this area.

No, no, you've got little Benito and me, who...

Well, you don't know what's going on half the time.

You literally, I'm surprised you brought any pants with you to New York.

Yep, fair enough.

The amount of times yesterday we had to tell you to bring photo ID and then send you back again for your photo ID.

Yes.

Also, you don't know I have got pants.

You haven't seen any proof yet.

Good point naturally.

You brought trousers though.

Bought trousers.

We're in America, so pants means trousers.

That's true.

So catch 22.

Well, anyway, welcome to the off-menu podcast.

That's James A.

Caster with no pants.

I'm Ed Gamble.

I'm wearing two pairs of pants.

Double Dutch.

Double Dutch.

Double Dutch.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

What do we do on this, James?

We're going to ask a guest their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Yes, and the the special guest this week is Wyatt Sinak.

Wyatt Sinak, a wonderful comedian, writer.

He hosts a show on HBO called Wyatt Sinak's Problem Areas.

He's got a brilliant special called Brooklyn on Netflix.

We're giving him all these plugs already,

which is dangerous because we've not had him into the restaurant yet, so we don't know if he said the secret ingredient or not.

That is true.

And Seeking Greenient this week is something that I've grown tired of.

I used to like it, but now I'm really bored of it.

Edder Marme Beans.

Eda Edamame beans.

I've always been bored of them.

Even the first time I had them, I was immediately bored of them.

Yeah, I thought, oh, this is nice, nice little new little flavour.

I kind of like this.

And now I'm like, oh man, this is a, what an absolute effort.

I hate sucking them out of the pods.

It makes me think the chef's lazy.

Yeah.

You know, well,

I don't like it when they're in the pods.

But, weirdly, I hate them even more when they're out of the pods.

Yeah, slimy little things.

Yeah.

It makes me feel like I'm eating the peas from Toy Story when they're in the pod.

Yeah, yeah, the little pillows are popping.

You know, the little peas, the little happy peas.

Yeah.

Feel bad about that.

Yeah.

Very specific reason not to like them, but yes.

I also hate it when they put like chili and garlic salt on them, but they're in the pods, and then all the flavours just on the outside, and you throw all the flavour away.

Yeah, may as well soak the pod.

Turns out I've got loads of issues with it.

Loads of issues.

So Wyatt, if you choose them, you're out.

You're out, baby.

Out.

Bad luck, Wyatt.

But fingers crossed, you don't because you're very funny.

Wyatt was on an album I really like called The Life and Death of Scenery by Mr.

Liff and Laurent.

And what year was that released?

2016.

Of course.

Here's the off-menu menu of Wyatt Snack.

Well welcome Wyatt to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you very much for having me.

Oh,

welcome Wyatt Sinac to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh well thank you.

That's a real greeting.

I have an amuse bouche for you to start.

Oh,

should we explain that you're a genie before you offer the amuse bouche?

I know the amuse bouche is a great new idea.

Why knew I was a genie, right?

You knew what you were doing.

I just knew you were excited to see me.

There was an excitement level that you had that I was really struck by.

And so I was like, oh, you know, when two people greet you and one's like, hey, how are you?

And the other one's like,

you're just going to be drawn.

It's...

Yeah.

I mean, but he's, you know, that's not a power I have in my locker, you know, as a non-genie.

Sure, I don't have the psh powers.

Sure, I get that.

But, like, you're in New York right now, and I don't know if you've been to, uh, there's a restaurant in New York, it may still be around, called Ninja.

And at Ninja, all the servers dress like ninjas.

And when you walk into the restaurant, you are greeted by a ninja who jumps out of the shadows.

And so, while you know, you may not have the ability to kind of appear in a smoke cloud as a genie,

there's nothing stopping you from putting on a ninja outfit and just jumping out and throwing a toasted sesame throwing star at me.

Straight into your mouth.

Yeah, just right in my mouth.

Oh, okay, I'll have three more of those.

Okay, well,

next time I'm going to dress as a ninja.

At some point during the meal, I'm going to go back to the kitchen,

but I'm not going to tell you when I'm coming back, and I'll be dressed as a ninja.

Yeah, no, as a ninja, you shouldn't tell me that you've left or that you show up.

Ninjas don't announce themselves.

Genies do.

Yeah, absolutely.

There's a lot more fanfare with a genie than a ninja.

Yeah, yeah.

And a ninja, but a ninja is like a pleasant surprise.

Yes.

You know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or sometimes.

Depends.

Yeah, it depends what the ninjas.

You get on the wrong side of a ninja.

I still think it's a pleasant surprise.

Still be quite happy.

I think you're, if you're on the wrong side of a ninja, you're somebody who you know death is coming for you.

And, you know, the way that it comes, I feel like a ninja, you're probably like, oh, this is nice.

I was expecting maybe I would get into my cutlass

car and like turn it on and it explodes.

It's like, no, it's not that.

It's a delightful ninja who just showed up out of a ceiling vent.

Yeah.

So just before you die, your last thought is, oh, a ninja.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Done.

Yeah.

You're kind of like, didn't expect it.

This, and that's it.

Okay, well, I'll be a ninja at some point, but we have a genie here right now.

Yes, I mean, as a genie, you do have the ability to make him a ninja at any point in the time.

Yeah, I could do, but actually, I'm more of a food genie.

I'm going to just get you whatever food you want

at any time in your life.

I want to drain my powers by turning Ed into a ninja, and then

you go hungry.

That seems fair.

No, I appreciate that.

Yeah, thank you.

I'll just have to go and hire the costume at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Anyway, Amuse Bouche is a Coke Zero.

Oh, oh,

Coke Zero for you?

I got to be honest, I'm not much of a soda drinker, so

right now I feel a certain amount of pressure that I have to drink it because it was gifted

to me, which always feels like the strange thing of an Amuz bouche.

They present it to you as like, oh, here's a little gift for you,

but it's a gift I didn't ask for.

It's like when a cat brings like a dead mouse and just leaves it at your feet, and you're like,

Thank you, but you know, no, just, you know, cat, take it, wrap it up in newspaper when I'm not around, figure out how to open the trash can and just throw that dead mouse in there.

That would be more impressive, that would be a better gift.

That would, yeah, and in a similar way, with the Samuz bouche of a Coke Zero,

if you were to wrap it in newspaper and just quietly throw it away,

I'd be okay with that.

I could do that for you.

Okay.

If you'd like that, if that makes you happy.

Yeah, if you could leave the glassware, but pour the Coke Zero into

like

a newspaper kind of cone.

Yep.

And then make sure none of it leaks because

you don't want to attract bugs into this.

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then just toss it, quietly toss it away.

Okay.

Done and done.

Happy to do it, actually.

That's really what the amuse booster is about, it's about making Wyatt feel happy before we have the meal.

Yeah.

And then

that's all I care about.

So, you're not a soda, you're not really a soda drinker.

Are you quite healthy?

Because before we started recording, you let us know that you had a pocket full of almonds.

Yeah.

Yes.

You turned down a cake truffle, which is possibly the most unhealthy little thing we could offer any guest.

Sure.

And you're

the most unhealthy.

I have a pocket full of almonds.

A fuffle is more unhealthy.

A fuffle.

What's a fuffle?

I had a fuffle this morning, had a bite of a fuffle because I was feeling really tired, still a bit jet-lagged and stuff.

And I really wanted, I thought I can't be, you know, so I had to have something with high sugar content.

Let's just say a fuffle is it ain't fudge, but it ain't a truffle.

Oh.

It's like a mixture of the two.

It's like a fudge truffle, and this one was like mock-a-flavor, so I had some coffee in there, so I thought I'd have a bite of it.

They're insane, Wyatt.

They're insane.

Are they more fudge than truffle?

It really is directly in the middle.

Well, given the balance of the words.

Well, that's why I was wondering because it could be a fuffle or it could be a trudge.

A trudge, but they chose fuffle.

Yeah.

Which definitely sounds a little more like playful fun than a trudge.

Yeah, but a trudge, I mean, you're going to get that sugar high, and then you will sort of trudge through the day until you get yourself some coffee, which is where I would call it a trudge.

Just call it what it is.

It starts as a fuffle, and then it becomes a trudge.

Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely headed for a trudge if you eat a fuffle.

Yeah, you were headed for a sugar trudge.

Yeah, if you have any fuffle.

I got given it for Christmas.

My sister bought it for my man at a food market.

He was just selling fuffles.

fuffles.

That was all he was selling.

Really?

At a stall full of fuffles.

Oh, wow.

And

she said he was a very nice man and a very good salesman.

Sure.

She bought a lot of them off of him.

I feel like you have to be a good salesman if you're presenting people with a fuffle, and that's the only thing you're presenting them with.

You've already gone all in on the fuffle.

Yeah, you put all your eggs in one fuffle.

It feels like,

that's, you're really hoping to.

Because I feel like a lot of people are going to walk by that and they're like, oh, well, maybe I was going to get some cookies or maybe I was going to get, you know, a scone or whatever.

And then here's this one person who's just got a stall where they're like, hey, come get a fuffle.

And you're like, well, I was really coming for cookies.

And it was like, you know what?

Cookies are, those are so last year.

Yeah, over.

Yeah, fuffled is what.

And it's like, well, what's a fuffle?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

And you're not the first person to assist this.

I've gotten very good at answering what a fuffle is.

Also, if anyone should bring up the idea that a fuffle might also be a trudge, ignore them.

I'm lying to you.

Just get this fuffle.

Well, I mean, I would say the fuffle as well is too big.

I had a bite and left it because I don't think...

How big was the fuffle?

It's not the size of a size of a truffle.

A normal kind of chocolate bar.

Oh, wow.

It's big.

Oh, that's

it's a proper, yeah.

I mean, I don't know who's eating a whole.

Actually, I don't know who's eating a whole one at once, me the first time I had one.

But

yeah, that was a mistake.

Right, because then you slept the rest of the day.

Yeah, that was it.

It's better.

You should have called it a kerfuffle.

Yeah?

It's a better marketing ploy, I think.

It turns to the yeah, it is a kerfuffle if you try and eat the whole thing.

Definitely if you're lactose intolerant, it's gonna be a real kerfuffle

with your bowels in the toilet.

That's it.

That'd be their slogan.

yeah

if you're lactose intolerant this will be a really kerfuffle with your bowels in the toilet

yeah yeah

but also enjoy this fuffle when it becomes a truth yeah yeah yeah i'm glad you added in the toilet there yeah yeah your bowels in the toilet yeah i mean that's you that's the hope you sometimes need to give people those clues that hey if you're lactose intolerant and you eat something that's probably not good for you don't just shit your pants

you know sometimes those warning labels it's great that they're on cigarettes they should be on other things too.

This could cause you to shit your pants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a stock photo of someone on the toilet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all right.

Because yeah,

I guess now we have on cigarettes, we have the photos.

Yeah.

We didn't have those for a long time.

Yeah.

So yeah, someone just having just a wretched shit.

Like feet kind of in the air and just a strained expression as, you know, they're just, you see them looking at like a photo album and crying because they think this will kill them and they're just like let me relive the good days

that's yeah i'd be for that yeah yeah

pocket of almonds however doesn't have any such uh

yeah there's no there's no such warning label it's just uh remember which pocket the almonds are in

uh so you don't wind up eating your keys yeah

they get a picture of a guy with a like bleeding mouth yeah yeah just keys for teeth.

Yeah, looking at photos of his family.

We all start with still a sparkling water.

I will do still.

I like water the way that Mother Nature intended it.

Sure.

Yeah.

You don't want

mankind messing with it with a...

I don't want science coming in and ruining my good water.

Yep.

So sparkling water is too futuristic for you.

It's way too futuristic for me.

No, it's just, it's science at its worst.

Why were you genetically modifying water?

You know, we talk about genetically modified food.

We have not talked about how sparkling water is the GMO of water.

We're all just taking it for granted, letting it slide.

Yeah, and all those Perriers, they are just happy to let us be stupidly blind, drinking our fizzy water.

Do you think that's what's going to get us in the end, the human race?

Just we're going to be so full of gas that when the robots attack.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

No, because robots don't have gas.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, that's going to, we're going to be bloated.

They're going to just squeeze our bellies, and it's just going to give us weird stomach aches.

And then, you know, we'll just be on the ground, and then they'll step on our heads.

You know about this kind of stuff.

You know about like

the future and how messed up it's going to be.

I've got an album by Mr.

Liff where you do a little narration for it, all the way through, and it's a very grim version of the future.

Yeah.

Well, I'm a bit of a futurist and a grim futurist, though.

though.

You are.

Yeah, I don't really want to get into happy futures.

I'm more, oh, yeah, what's the grim future?

Because the future on that album is what?

People aren't allowed to listen to music or whistle?

I believe so.

It was a little bit.

I gotta be honest, it's been a minute since I recorded that.

Fair enough.

And we didn't even have the luxury of recording it in a...

in a booth.

We did it over the phone while I sat in my closet, my clothes closet.

That's how music gets made.

That's how your favorite songs get made next to slacks.

Oh, I love that in my head now.

When I listen to it, he was sat in his closet.

If you knew that there's going to be a takeover in the future,

what group would you fear the most?

Would it be robots that would take over the world?

Or is it like aliens or zombies?

Zombies?

I feel like

we'll just become more apathetic as the future goes on, where we just kind of become slugs and lazily just, it'll just, it won't even be full robots.

We're just too lazy where escalators take us out.

We're just going to become lemmings that are just sort of taken out by escalators.

No one talks about the proud history of the lemming.

There was a time when the lemming ruled this planet with an iron fist, and then they just got so lazy.

Yeah.

And they now are just like, hey, there's a cliff.

Let's all go.

And I think that's, that to me, that's the grim future that I see is that we become lemmings.

And maybe even we just follow a lemming.

Yes.

And a lemming just takes us out.

So we just lie down on an, everyone lies down on the escalator and they all get sucked into it at the end.

Yeah, they all just get kind of just

chewed up.

Yeah.

And we just become some sort of escalator slurry.

And, you know, then the sort of the ooze of all of that just becomes a slippery sort of

delivery system for the rest of us to get chewed up into the escalator.

It just becomes like a slip and slide that just sends the rest of us and then that's how we all get taken out.

All become fuffles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuffles.

The consistency of a fuffle.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Pop rubs or bread, Wyatt.

Papa Dumbza bread.

Bread.

Straight away, bread.

Nice.

Yeah.

Also, I shouted that as you were sipping the water,

just caught a cucumber.

Yeah.

it shocked some guests.

Didn't panic.

No, very powerful the whole thing.

If I had a fizzy water, maybe

that could have got you.

Yeah, it would have had the chemical imbalance that makes me a little more skittish.

What sort of bread would you like?

I'd like a soda bread.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'd like a soda bread, a nice, warm, freshly baked soda bread where they do it, they give you, like, in the in the sort of cast iron, like they give you your own bread.

I feel like I'd go for that.

I almost said a cornbread.

I love a cornbread, but I feel like I want to go with uh I want to go with an Irish soda bread because I had one once in uh Canada of all places, and I thought it was, I thought it was very delicious, and I never had it in the United States.

What was the name of the place you went to to get it in Canada?

Uh the place uh was a restaurant in Toronto called Union,

and it's on Osington Street for

all of your Canadian listeners who are like, we want soda bread.

We need that soda bread.

That sounds amazing.

Yeah.

Have you all indulged in soda bread?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I've had soda bread.

I don't think I've ever had it warm in its own little tin before.

Which I think I'd enjoy that experience to know that something was baked just for me.

Yeah.

That's what was really nice.

They would just bake them.

I don't know if they just had like a conveyor belt that was just running them into an oven, but it was just like, oh yeah, here's your own thing of bread, fresh baked.

And

I guess it cooks a little quicker so they can do that, but they're just baking bread for everybody.

It's like an amuse bouche

of bread.

Which you approve of in this in this situation, yeah.

If you give me nice warm bread with some butter, oh, and if it's a little salted butter,

that's real nice.

So you don't need us to wrap up the bread and put it in a cone and throw it it away.

Yeah.

No, no.

I mean, if I don't eat all of it, then perhaps do that.

That would be nice.

That's the thing about being given your own little bread, is you know that at no point was that given to someone else and they didn't finish it and then it's being presented to you again.

Exactly.

Unless like half of it's gone.

It seems like the restaurant is then sending you a message

how they value you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a big bite taken out of it.

Yeah.

And they're like, yeah, enjoy this.

You'll be fine.

You don't need a whole thing of bread.

Look at your tons of fun.

Wait a minute.

I don't know that I, I don't know, I like this service.

And they're like, oh, you don't know you like this service.

I was like, now you're mocking me.

Oh, no, I'm making you.

You're going to eat spaghetti.

And it's like, I didn't even want spaghetti.

That's not what this restaurant's known for.

I think even if a server did do all of that to me, I'd still eat the bread.

And that would be the most disappointing thing about the whole experience.

You'd still eat it.

I'd still eat the bag.

Ed would still eat the spaghetti.

I'd eat the spaghetti.

Bring bring it all over.

Yeah, if a waiter said to him, you're going to eat spaghetti, he'd be like, yeah, okay, I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's, I mean, there is something with like

wait staff where you do feel a certain, like, I don't want to piss this person off because they might piss in my food.

Yeah.

That's the ultimate.

Yeah.

Difficult to piss in bread.

It's easy to spot if someone's pissed on your bread, unless they're going into the dough before they bake it.

That's, see, that's a smart way of thinking.

Yeah.

But into the dough before.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I get what you mean.

Yeah.

Not,

When you said into the dough before they bake it, I thought you meant like a man was going to insert his penis into the dough and then piss while his penis is in the dough and then remove his penis.

Well, that would be crazy.

There's no point in doing that.

Yeah.

That would be adding a step that then you have to wash all the dough off your penis.

You may as well just piss into the pot.

Yeah.

Into the pot of dough.

But is that how it works when you're making bread?

Is there a pot of dough?

I mean, I think there's like a bowl and you need it.

I've watched Great British Bake Off.

I feel like there's a point watching that show that if you want to piss in something, you can.

I do think they've given a window.

Every challenge, there is a piss window.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's really just up to you if you take advantage of it.

Yeah.

You know, and that's, and I think even if you, if you took advantage of the piss window, it raised a good question.

If you take advantage of the piss window, take full advantage, you make something, it's obviously not going to be good.

Does it still qualify for a Hollywood handshake

because he respects that you took advantage of the time window?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like not everyone's going to do that.

And there's still a creativity that's worth sort of saying, you know what, I respect your craftsmanship.

Yeah.

He can shake something, Hollywood.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, if he pisses into

the ultimate handshake.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah.

I think we've just guaranteed that none of us will ever,

you can't eat anything from there now because you're worried about the piss window.

The Golden Hollywood handshake.

Yeah.

Here's a question, though.

I said

I would be worried about a server pissing in my food.

Sure.

I feel like everyone, or not everyone, I don't want to assume everyone, but I feel like people definitely have a neuroses around,

I don't want to anger a server they might do something to my food.

Yes.

Is piss what first comes to mind for you all?

Spit.

Spit.

I think spit's probably the easiest way of them doing it, right?

And I wouldn't do this usually, but I'm going to go ahead and apply that to everyone on the planet besides you.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

I would say most people think they were going to spit in my food.

I would not suspect they would piss in it.

I think there's a, you know, well, what color is your parachute kind of thing for that?

That's like, oh, all right, what does it say about you if you're the person who says spit or if you're the person who says piss or shit?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's

true.

Yeah.

Yeah, wank as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a scene in Fight Club where he's working as a waiter and he pisses in a big vat of soup.

Oh, yes.

So I was thinking about that as well.

Oh, right.

So I had piss on the brain as well when we were talking about

food.

Yeah.

Tyler Durden does that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it also sounds like,

no offense, but it sounds like you and I

may

be

a special select group of people.

We aren't the lemmings

that just go, oh, this waiter's going to spit in our food.

You and I are more prepared for the future.

You're already being lemming.

I'm already halfway down the escalate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You and I may still have time to just step to the side of the weird blood and guts

slip conveyor that would send us into the waiting teeth of the escalator monster.

Because we've got our eyes open and we can see that people could piss in our food.

Yeah,

which I'm gulping down the piss.

Yeah, and you're just going into what I think in the future we'll just know as the up, up, down, down monster.

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So we come to your starter?

Sure.

Right, that's right.

We've been, I mean, this has given me enough time to eat this bread.

And yeah, I'm hungry again.

Yeah, yeah.

So your dream starter, what is that?

You know,

I'll be honest,

I like oysters.

Those I feel like are a nice...

I'm doing a classy meal here.

I feel like, yeah, I do some nice East Coast oysters with,

you know, just a little

the little mignonettes of horseradish and

whatever, cocktail sauce.

Yeah, that's just a half dozen.

Yeah.

Why East Coast?

Can you taste the difference between the coasts?

East Coast, West Coast.

Is there a

long-running feud between the oysters?

Yeah.

There is an East Coast, West Coast beef.

Yeah.

People talk about the East Coast, West Coast beef of the 90s with hip-hop.

It started over oysters.

That's the thing people don't realize is that Tupac was more of a Kumamoto oyster guy.

He likes his oysters from Washington State.

You know, a lot of the artists on death row at the time, they were really big into those kushi and all your sort of West Coast oysters.

Whereas on the East Coast,

you know, there were a lot of folks that they love the sort of Massachusetts, New York, you know,

your St.

Simone's,

your oysters from Prince Edward Island, all those wonderful, those oysters tend to be a lot brinier,

saltier,

whereas the West Coast oysters, and

the West Coast would be offended to hear this, the oysters tend to be plump.

They're not as briny.

They're kind of like chewy and creamy.

It's more of like a chewable oyster, which

I'm not as into.

And then we're not even going to talk about, you know, the influence of the dirty South and the oysters.

Talking your East Beach blondes from Virginia.

Yeah, there's a whole world of oysters.

I tend to go for the East Coast oyster.

I would not risk any oyster that was presented to me as being from the dirty south.

No.

No.

No.

That's not a nice way of phrasing.

No.

Well, the interesting thing, and I learned this from a chef at a restaurant who was talking to me about oysters one day.

He was saying oysters that are from like the the south,

whenever people get sick from oysters, a lot of times they are the southern oysters.

Like when there's some kind of like oyster pandemic,

it tends to be the southern oysters because the water's warmer.

And so, like bacteria or whatever can grow and kind of like cultivate in that warmer water and live in the oysters.

So, he was saying, more often than not, if you're going to get oysters, go further north where the water's colder and it kills off all that stuff.

So in that way, yeah, the dirty south, great for rap, not as great for oysters.

Sure.

Yeah.

You're taking your life into your own hands.

Yeah, there's never been a

outcast have never made anyone ill.

No, no, no.

As far as I know.

No.

Yeah.

I think they once angered the family of Rosa Parks.

Oh, yeah.

That's about it.

Yeah.

But just from calling a song Rosa Parks.

Yeah, that was it.

That was it.

Yeah.

They're a very, they, they, you know, they don't like anyone saying her name other than family members.

Really?

Yeah.

They actually got mad at me for saying her name.

Oh, well, I'm glad we're in this territory again.

Now that I'm thinking about it, yeah.

Yeah, now that I'm remembering, I just want everyone to notice that neither me or James have said her name.

So yeah, no, that's

well out of this.

Absolutely.

I think one of her relatives got angry at me

and wrote me an angry note on Facebook.

Really?

For making a joke about

Rosa Parks.

I can't remember what the...

I think I'd made like two prior to that in stand-up specials.

And then, oh, I think I remember it was just like some dumb comment about, I think it was like a tweet that had also been posted to Facebook.

It had something to do with being bad about

placing where I placed commas and not following the rules of commas and just suggesting that I would Rosa park commas wherever I felt as opposed to be relegated to put them where I am told to put them.

And it was a dumb comment.

I'm not going to say it was my best work,

which I would understand if her family was like, hey, not your best joke.

Yeah, yeah.

But they instead were like,

keep my aunt's name out of your mouth.

And then I felt like, you know what?

I'm going to say no to that because I think it's what your aunt would have wanted.

She wouldn't have wanted me to follow this rule.

Is the podcast going to be closed down now, Ed?

By Rosa Parks's.

By this conference.

Ed said it.

Oh.

Ed said it.

Oh, no.

I'm with you now, Wyatt.

Or

this could be just the press you need.

Yeah.

Yeah, actually.

You've got yourself a feud.

Yeah.

There's nobody.

I mean, we've come to America for the first time to interview American guests, and we're going to launch ourselves onto the American market by angering the family of Rosa Parks.

Right, that's not the person.

I mean, if we're going to have a feud, I really don't think they're the best people to have a feud with.

It's not going to make us look good.

People are going to take sides before they even know what it's about.

Sure, yeah, but you've also come to America at a very volatile time in race relations where this could get you a whole new slew of listeners that you never thought you'd have or wanted.

All wanted, yeah,

all crossing their fingers that the main course is a a golden steak every time.

Absolutely.

Which actually talk of main courses, we should get onto your main course, what?

Oh, I don't get like a salad, or was that like a.

Oh, well, I just started there with the oysters.

I thought that was like appetizer, but then you still get like a starter salad, like a super salad.

You know, you have a salad as well.

Yeah, no, no, that's fine.

No, it's your

current, no, no, it's yours.

You would feel like you can't have a salad.

It's your restaurant.

No, you know, it's apparently not my dream.

If only I knew someone who had a dream.

Well, yeah, we'll find a salad.

Let's find a little salad.

You know what?

I don't want salad.

No sad.

Straight to the main course.

Let's go to the main course.

You know what?

Actually, no, I should have a salad.

I'll have a little.

I'll have a little.

No, no, screw it.

I don't want a salad.

I don't want a salad after that.

I feel like, yeah, I feel too much pressure.

Let's go to the main course.

To be honest, though, that's nice.

We've seen that space that everyone's in a monologue when thinking about having a salad anyway.

It's this back and forth between no and yes for quite some time.

All I'm going to say is if you insist on the salad now, it's going to be full of genie piss.

Yeah.

Then I'm going to say no to the salad.

I don't know.

Do you like my genie piss?

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

You know what?

Does it grant other wishes?

Does it...

Piss wishes.

Pisses.

Oh, I mean, that could be good if you've got like a kidney stone that you need to pass.

Yeah, sure.

Just piss wishes.

Yeah, that could be very helpful if you're like, oh, I would love to pass this kidney stone in a way that's perhaps not painful to me.

So I would probably wish for

all my piss to be like Dr.

Pepper from now on.

Really?

If I had a piss wish and my wish had to do with piss,

I would say, please, can I always just piss like any soft drink I want every time.

Well, okay.

Any drink I want.

Here's a controversy.

But not a hot drink I wish.

I would wish to never piss again.

Oh.

No.

And not to have to.

Not that I'd just be full of piss the whole time.

But that it would just like magically transport itself out of your body.

It could save like, you know, a decent amount of time a day.

Yeah.

You'd have to like

specify.

Because as a genie, I can tell you that with wishes, you need to be very clear.

Yeah.

Because if you just say, I just wish I'd never piss again.

And not that my body is full of piss, but I'd still be like, right, well, I've got to get rid of it somehow.

So I'd like have it like steam out of your butt or something.

Right.

Yeah.

It's going to smell like that.

There's always a monkey's paw aspect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of this, I'd be totally fine with steaming piss out of my butt.

Okay.

I mean, that's going to leave your pants kind of.

You're going to have steam, one, just like a cloud of steam coming out of your butt, but then you're going to have a moisture patch whenever that happens.

That's true.

I'm going to have wet, wet pants.

Yeah.

I mean, here,

we just have to go back to pissing Dr.

Pepper.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Yeah,

I want to come back to this, but I want to come back to Steve.

I just have to get it out.

I have to get it out.

Yeah.

But there's an element of pissing Dr.

Pepper.

I have multiple questions.

My first question, are you pissing it so you can drink it and re-piss it?

My second question, are you pissing it so then you could go on the roofs of buildings and piss it down to children and just passerbys that are to just kind of win them over to the great taste of Dr.

Pepper?

Three, is it it could be like a kink thing where you're just hoping to bring that into the bedroom?

My fourth question,

if you're pissing Dr.

Pepper, have you taken into account all of the ingredients that are in Dr.

Pepper that are going to have to pass out of your body as you piss them things like citric acid

that are basically going out of you know what are essentially your insides which if i were to like cut you and pour dr pepper into your wound i feel like it might sting a lot so have you taken into account if you're pissing dr pepper is it really stingy and painful every time you piss but the reward is you get a glass of dr pepper so it's this weird sisyphian sort of boulder that you are pushing up and

being crushed by over and over again.

Okay, so the answer to all four of your questions?

Yes, yes, no, and that hadn't occurred.

All right.

Cool.

I would drink it.

I would let other people drink it.

I wouldn't have it as a kink, and I didn't think about how much it would possibly hurt me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I'm happy with all those answers.

Thank you very much.

We need to do the main course now.

Yes.

But I got just one more follow-up.

Yes.

One more follow-up.

Sorry.

The defense doesn't rest yet.

Are you,

since no one else in the world

theoretically has the ability to piss Dr.

Pepper,

are you just walking around saying, you know, just like let's say on your flight, are you sitting next to the person

who's next to you on the plane?

And are you leaning over and saying, pssst, hey,

do you like Dr.

Pepper?

Because I can piss it.

And I would love to piss you a glass of Dr.

Pepper.

Like, if you, even if you don't have a glass, if you have that newspaper, if you roll it up into a cone, I can piss in it and you can drink it.

I don't think I would.

I think if I have a can of Dr.

Pepper normally in real life now.

You get to know someone first.

I don't lean over and say, would you like some of this?

So, doubly so if I was pissing it, I think I'd have to get to know people and then eventually they would have to trust me enough that they would think he's not tricking me.

Right.

Because if I had someone else say to me, I can piss Dr.

Pepper, would you like a glass?

I'd be like, I'm not an idiot.

I'm not going to drink what is going to be a glass of actual piss.

But once I got to know, I've known Ed for a while now.

If he said to me, I've got something to tell you I can piss Dr.

Pepper, would you like a glass of it?

I'd be like, yeah, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

I trust Ed.

He wouldn't lie to me and trick me.

But how offended would you be if you have this great gift and no one wants it?

Yeah, because that would the element of it coming out of your penis would put me off.

Yep, I'd be like, I can just go and buy a can of Dr.

Pepper.

Sure, I think I would understand.

I think I would have to understand that people don't want my penis pepper.

Would you, though?

Would you really?

I mean, I'm just saying, like, you're making this podcast right now.

Yeah, you're making this podcast, and it's something that is, it is the magical thing that you create right now It is your Dr.

Pepper piss

and if no one listened if no one engaged with it, but yet you made show after show after show Yes, would it would it eventually get to you of course it would yes, but I wouldn't be like with this podcast I wouldn't be like no I get it.

I mean the podcast comes out of our dicks

You know like I think I'll be like why do people like this?

This is a great thing.

But with with the Dr.

Pepper piss, I'll be like,

I get that element of it isn't attractive.

Just double check.

Does it come out cold?

Yes.

Okay, good.

Main course, why?

Yeah, sorry.

Here's the thing.

I can go on tangents, believe it or not.

Main course.

All right.

I would say main course.

I feel like I've had, you know, some oysters that

always goes well with oysters as a good, you know, a good steak and some sides.

I could also see,

you know, going with like a nice roti

with curry chicken or curry goat, which was one of those things that when I was a kid,

you know, getting to eat and really enjoying.

And I really like.

I don't know if

that pairs well with oysters, though.

Well, I mean, it doesn't, if you don't mind it not pairing no we're we're certainly not going to stop you having something that doesn't traditionally pair from the outside if you just fancy eating that that's fine by us yeah what about if i if i took both of those things and kind of married them into one thing so if i had like a steak like a really nice you know prime rib or something like that or a porter house but had that curried and put into a roti.

Sounds amazing.

I'd do one of those.

Yeah, and you can totally do that.

It's the Dream Restaurant.

I think that's completely fine.

Like a medium rare, so

it has to both be stewed in the curry

but still remain medium rare so it's not tough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's almost like you have to kind of like

take the sort of outer ring of meat and that'll stew and get all nice and tender, but then you still have some, you know, rarer part, like center.

You've got pink center on on the on the steak there, throw in some raw meat just right at the end.

Oh, that's yeah, yeah, that's a way to do it.

Yeah, that's that's one way to do the both.

Yeah, if you are having that, like

a dish that you've just invented, right?

So, you just invented this dish, which is nice.

What side are you having with that?

How are you complementing that with a side dish?

What I mean, if I'm making up the side dish as well, if I'm gonna do any side dish with that, I guess it's already got some potatoes in it, so I've got my starch there.

Maybe

to get some greens since I didn't get a salad.

I you know,

still angry about that.

Well,

I'm now going to think any dream restaurant salad is covered in genie piss.

So that's going to be a problem for me.

So, yeah, so if I'm going to do a side, maybe I do get some greens there.

Maybe, maybe I do.

I'm a late adopter to the world of Brussels sprouts, but

I've had really good ones where they cook them with like bacon and then they will sometimes put like they'll like quarter them or so they're you don't have like a whole bulb of Brussels sprout, but they like cook it with bacon and then they'll put this one restaurant that isn't around anymore called Rye.

The chef would do it like that and then he put some cheese with it as well.

So it had like a nice kind of like cheesy.

America has nailed Brussels sprouts in a way that I don't think we have in the UK yet.

Basically treat them like a meat.

Yeah, put some bacon in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Treat them like a mate, my bet.

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Your favorite drink, I think we already know know what your drink's going to be.

I mean, I'm going to have some water, but I can have some alcohol, yeah?

Yeah, this isn't a dry restaurant.

You actually sold the idea with the Dr.

Pepper.

No, no, no, no, I'm still not.

I'm still not on board for that.

I appreciate that you keep pushing it.

But seriously, put your dick away.

Yeah, please.

Yeah, this is not.

Customers always write.

What's the worst that can happen?

You're going to get it cancelled.

Put your dick away.

Fair enough.

Yeah, so if I'm having this meal, I'd like to have a drink

to go with my water, you know,

a friend for my water.

Yeah.

Maybe I'd go with an old-fashioned.

Also, depending on the weather, I love a good mint julep.

It's a nice, I like a whiskey drink that has a little bit of sweetness to it,

but some bite.

But a mint julep, yeah, it's nice.

You got a little mint there.

It helps, I like to think it helps digest the food.

Sometimes they say if you want to digest or if you've got a stomachache, you eat a mint leaf.

Oh, yeah.

I think drinking it may be a faster delivery system.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

But then you're not supposed to swallow toothpaste.

You're not.

No.

But I don't think there's fresh mint in that.

No.

I mean.

Do you think there's fresh mint in toothpaste?

Never harsh truth learned about the world.

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry that this is how you had to learn.

I thought that's why, you know, you eat a meal and then you brush your teeth and you swallow all the toothpaste and digest it.

No, sorry.

No.

Yeah.

I think a whiskey cocktail that's slightly sweet is a very good way of drinking whiskey earlier in the day and evening without feeling like an alcoholic.

Yes.

Because straight whiskey, you really feel like something's going wrong if you're drinking it earlier in the day.

Yeah, if it's four o'clock and you've poured yourself a glass of scotch, yeah, hopefully somebody died.

Yeah.

It's the only excuse.

Yeah.

And you can't just say, well, somebody died somewhere.

Yeah, sure.

That's not going to be.

Yeah, there's that saying like, oh, it's five o'clock somewhere.

It's RIP somewhere.

Yeah, don't don't do that to somehow enable yourself to drink whiskey before an acceptable hour.

That's true.

Trust me, someone just died.

Well, and when you say it like that, that's probably not the best.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although now I'm also, you've just reminded me if I can go on a very quick other tangent.

Of course.

Just want to,

Uncle Y-Wise, weird little tangents.

The tangent has to end with you saying your dessert.

I'll get to the dessert.

You have to do the whole thing, and then at the end, just say it your dessert.

Just seamlessly go to dessert.

I did in Los Angeles, and when you get there, you'll learn this.

Two things about LA: drinking, it stops at 2 a.m., but also you can sell alcohol at grocery stores and not just beer, but you can sell hard alcohol.

And I remember when I lived there, there was

a woman in line in the grocery store at like 1.59 in the morning with a giant bottle of Jack Daniels and a big, like one of the big leader things of Coke.

And the clerk was like, I'm sorry, it's two o'clock.

I can't sell this to you.

And the woman was very angry and like, looked like she'd just gotten out of a nightclub and was just kind of like, come on, just sell it to me.

And was trying everything.

And finally, as a last ditch, was like, please, a friend of mine just die.

And there was a part of me that was like, oh, what an interesting play.

But also,

I like the idea that a friend of yours just died and you were so upset about it that you didn't just buy whiskey, you bought soda to mix it.

You're making mixers right now to like mourn your the loss of your friend.

So, yeah, I

so that was very interesting to me.

Cinnamon rolls.

Cinnamon rolls.

Cinnamon rolls, delicious.

Yeah, really delicious.

They're wonderful.

And you got all the goo in them?

Yeah, not nuts.

Not like, I don't like when people put like whatever walnuts or whatever they put in there.

Just

a nice, if you're making, if you're fresh baking bread for people at the start of the meal, my guess is you will fresh bake the hell out of a cinnamon roll.

We'll put them in individual little pans for you as well.

Yeah, I would hope so.

Yeah,

not a ton of icing.

Like, it doesn't need, you don't need to over-ice it.

You don't even really need to ice it.

Like, just that caramelized sugar that is on the bottom that gets like all buttery.

Like, that's...

And if you can get some of that in the folds of it,

that's a nice little treat.

Amazing.

Is there anywhere specific for the cinnamon rolls, by the way?

I don't have a specific cinnamon roll place.

I feel like when I was a kid, we ate a lot at like the Cinnabon and that type of place which is like the worst version of it

but also the best version.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna read your order back to you now and see how you feel about it what?

Still water.

Yes.

Soda bread warm in its own tin with some butter.

Starter, half a dozen East Coast oysters.

Main course, medium rare prime rib steak, roti curry.

I sounded like I was going to go on top of that.

Side dish of brussels sprouts with bacon and cheese.

Drink a mint julep, dessert, cinnamon rolls.

Yeah.

You feel good about that?

Yeah, I mean, what's the bill?

Oh, it's free.

Oh, that's then this really.

Do I still have to tip?

Because I feel like, as a courtesy, you kind of want to.

Oh, sure, yeah.

How much would you tip for that meal?

I mean, all I'm carrying right now is a pocket full of almonds.

So we'll take one almond each.

Yeah, that would be.

Really?

All right.

We'll pop an almond each.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, no.

There's.

Who's hungry?

No, no.

Oh god no.

No.

Didn't you tell them about that place you took Islands you took me to in Toronto?

I didn't tell them about islands.

You should.

We did talk about Toronto though.

I've gone back there twice since you took me there.

Really?

It still remains the best I've ever had.

And it hasn't gone out of business because there was a rumor that they were going to close it down.

No, well, this was the last time was there was last summer.

Yeah, no, there was, I feel like when you and I were both there, there was a rumor.

There was a rumor that they were going to close it down.

Oh, that's good to know.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would take a trip to Toronto.

I don't want to tell you guys how to do your

North American journey, but I would take a trip.

Frequent flyer miles.

Yeah, and it's just an hour, like it's not even an hour flight.

It's an hour's walk.

Yeah, you can walk in an hour.

You gotta walk quickly.

Yeah, but you can get a really tasty roti.

Yeah, do you go curry

goat, beef, chicken?

Yeah, goat is, yeah, it's delicious.

They're generous with the sauce.

Yes.

The gravy.

They're very generous with the gravy.

Yeah.

I'm going to run, you finish up.

We just started.

We are only two minutes into this.

We're only on water.

See you in a sec.

That's, you know, in my dream restaurant, people can just kind of

drop in.

Yeah.

It's nice to know that you've taken, that our guests have been up for meals together before.

Why, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Thank you for having me.

Please enjoy those almonds that actually, if I'm being totally honest, here they are.

An almond

furici yeah.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, enjoy those.

Well, hello and welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Ed, we're doing the outro now.

Oh, okay, sorry, sorry.

Well, that was good, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was lovely.

I love that.

What a funny meal.

You were talking about steaming out of your

Steaming out of my ass.

That was good fun.

That was a really fun episode, I've got to say.

They're all fun, but what we really needed at the point of recording that is we were slightly jet lagged and White really just came and took us in hand and yeah, we needed someone to talk more than we did.

Yeah.

We could just sit back and go, yep, just let him go off on this for a while.

He really brought it home with a lot of what he himself referred to as Uncle Y Wise tangents.

Uncle Y Wise tangents.

Luckily though, Ed, none of those tangents included Edemame beans.

Exactly.

Thank you, Wyatt, for not mentioning the devil's pods.

The devil's pods.

And also at the end there you caught a little snippet of next week's guest.

Yeah we won't tell you who it is but some of you might be able some of you might think that voice is familiar.

Well it's going to be even more familiar next week when you hear it again.

But for now, thank you very much for listening to.

Thank you very much for listening to

hear that in the background.

That was Ed's ass.

Sorry, I did another S far.

It wasn't an Asphod, that was the piss coming out of your ass.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

At Steam.

My piss.

My steamy piss.

Piss coming out of your ass.

Anyway, bye.

Hello, it's Harry Hill here, and I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise.

Basically it's a half hour of ambient sound and then at some point during the podcast I make a noise.

Now

when you're listening to it you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise and you'll get lulled into it and then I'll make the noise and it'll be really funny.

I mean it doesn't sound like a regular podcast does it but

believe me

you're gonna really love it.

So why don't you subscribe

now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and ACAST.

It's called Harry Hill's Noise and it's coming soon.

We get it.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.