Ep 78: Dolly Alderton

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Tired of spills and stains on your sofa?

Washable sofas.com has your back, featuring the Anibay Collection, the only designer sofa that's machine washable inside and out, where designer quality meets budget-friendly prices.

That's right, sofas started just $699.

Enjoy a no-risk experience with pet-friendly, stain-resistant, and changeable slip covers made with performance fabrics.

Experience cloud-like comfort with high-resilience foam that's hypoallergenic and never needs fluffing.

The sturdy steel frame ensures longevity, and the modular pieces can be rearranged anytime.

Check out washablesofas.com and get up to 60% off your Anabay sofa, backed by a 30-day satisfaction guarantee.

If you're not absolutely in love, send it back for a full refund.

No return shipping or restocking fees, every penny back.

Upgrade now at sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Now, if you swallow this podcast whole, you won't get the full flavor of it, so it's one bite and then down.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast with me, me, Ed Gamble.

My name is James A Caster.

One bite and then down.

One bite and then down.

That's the old catchphrase from the podcast.

Oh, Ed, what is this podcast?

Oh, it's the off-menu podcast.

I've already said that bit, haven't I?

Yes.

But normally you do the bit where we say we ask a special guest, or sometimes I set you up for it, so I'll do it now.

It's a podcast about food where we ask a special guest there.

Hello,

excellent impression of Roshin Connerty.

Yep.

after Poppadums or Bread.

For podheads out there, you'll know that when Roshine Connerty was asked Popadums or Bread, she paused for ages and then said hello.

But then we asked her her favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

But this week, we're not asking Roshine that.

We're asking

Dolly Alderton.

Dolly Alderton, podcaster, author, broadcaster, guest on the off-menu podcast.

I'm just thinking of as many things as I can list off the top of my head there.

She's got a lot going on.

She's very busy.

Her new book, Ghosts, is about to be released.

You should all go out and grab a copy of that.

It is her first novel, fiction-y novel business.

She's written other books in the past.

So go and get that.

It sounds excellent.

I can't wait to read it.

But...

Even though Dolly has written a brilliant book and has done many brilliant podcasts, still, if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient that we do not like, then we will chuck her out of the restaurant, won't we, Ed?

Yes, we will.

And the ingredient this week that will lead to Dolly's removal, if she mentions it, is modelling chocolate.

Can you tell that me and James have been watching a lot of Netflix baking competition shows?

They always are.

It's always like the finale as well.

To impress the judges, they've tends to be modelling chocolate.

And it might look visually amazing and look like, you know, they've made a full kind of like a stag or something out of chocolate, but it doesn't taste good.

It's not the nicest tasting chocolate in the world.

Can't it?

Forget about it.

Yeah, and also also i don't like it when in those shows where they're like oh yeah look at this amazing thing we've made and then half of it is a big rice krispie treat that they've covered in fondant yeah although you would eat that i know you would eat that before you say it i know you find that as delicious as a cake but when you say you're making an amazing cake i want it to be cake i don't want it to be something you've got out of a packet and then thrown fondant over it Yes, a rice krispie treat smooshed together, covered in fondant is, I think, what stoners would eat.

Not what you were used to win a competition with.

Well, actually, you would eat it as well, and suddenly just realised that you have the palate of a stoner.

Yeah, it's exactly right.

And with good reason, I hung out with the stoners in school, but I didn't partake in the weed, but I absolutely got in with the snacks when it was snack time.

So that is very much who I am.

Of course.

Is that how you discovered your love of sweet things?

Or did you know you loved it and you knew the stoners were the people to hang out with?

Oh, definitely that way around, yes.

But then that's that's informed my personality from there i would say if anyone ever asks you what's james aycastle like say he's a stoner who's never done drugs

here's what i really want to mention to the guests i think it's important that they know this is that we've recorded this over zoom yes uh during well it's not quite locked don't you i don't know when you listen to this podcast maybe it's a few years in the future but remember that period where no one knew what the rules are and it was really confusing that's when we recorded this and it's over over zoom it's where we probably could have recorded it in a room altogether but it just feels a bit weird.

Yes, yeah.

We would have felt scared and we didn't want to feel scared.

Yes.

So without further ado, here is the off-menu menu of Dolly Alder.

Dolly Alderton.

Dolly Alderton, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much for having me.

And I have to say, this is already my dream restaurant because you guys emailed me before telling me what what the concept was so you didn't have to stand by the table as soon as I arrived and say my least favorite thing that I can ever hear in a restaurant which is have you been here before can we explain the menu to you

yeah I go a lot of restaurants but oh well we don't need to explain what's happened

Dolly Alderton to the dream restaurant have you been here before

well here at the dream restaurant we don't need to explain the menu to you at all because

it's your menu.

You're coming up with it.

There's nothing to explain.

But on that point,

I kind of get what you mean.

I don't like those restaurants where they have to explain the menu to you or explain the concept of the restaurant.

But also, it makes me feel a bit fancy.

It does make you feel fancy.

To be honest, it makes me feel a little bit nervous and alienated.

It makes me feel like I've just arrived at an exercise class and I'm very clearly, like it's my first Bikram yoga session or something.

Like I feel so embarrassed and self-conscious when they ask me that.

And I also do just feel, you know, if the menu has to be explained, then at the core, the menu system is rotten.

Something has malfunctioned

if it has to be explained.

I don't know why.

It really makes my heart sink.

Got any examples?

They still do it to me every time I go into Wagamama, despite it being my most frequented eatery.

And I immediately, like, I can almost cut them off the first word of the sentence now because I know I know that it's coming but most like small plate restaurants I feel like they have to do quite a lot of explanation at the top yeah they have to say how many dishes they think you should order per person which immediately makes me feel bad because I want to order more than that always

I think that they massively underestimate how much you should be ordering.

I've never gone to a small plate restaurant and eaten the amount they've said and felt satisfied.

Well, I never order what they suggest.

I I just overorder and occasionally they've had to drag an extra table over which is

never a good look when you have to order an extra table as well.

How do you guys feel about small plate dining?

I like it because I love starters and I feel like it's a way of having an entire meal of starters.

You can have as many different tastes of as many different things as possible.

I'm totally into small plate dining.

I will only do small plate dining, though, if I'm with my girlfriend or one other person.

More than two people.

It's impossible because you have to start splitting it three ways.

I'm not good at sharing.

So it has to, I'm on board with small plate dining as long as I can eat most of it, I'd say.

I think that's the right attitude.

I think doing it just with two people, that should be the absolute cut off because you just get to a point where you're like, you know, sharing a soup or something with like six people.

You're sharing dishes that were never meant to be split six ways.

Well, you can.

In a restaurant, you'd all get a spoon and then you'd split a soup six ways, would you?

Oh, sorry, Ed.

Have you not heard of straws?

Now, that is a restaurant where they'd have to explain the menu to me.

Just to let you know, the soup, you can split that.

You'll all be getting your own straw.

Like one of those big punch bowls.

Yeah, like a big old punch bowl, and you could all just go at the same time and see who gets the most, you know?

And maybe that it would come with sparklers in it, like you're in a sort of Mayfair nightclub.

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

There you go.

Yeah, that's a lot of fun.

i mean uh i'll tell you what dolly i've never we never had a guest on who so early on i'm like i don't think we've lived the same life so so far your two touchstones

your your your two touchstones have been it's like when you go to bikram yoga for the first time and it looks like you're in a mayfair nightclub it's like uh yeah yeah it's exactly like those two things i think i've just abandoned all pretensions of of being a relatable person for this podcast guys don't worry about it

Totally fair.

I just nodded along because I know what Bikram yoga is, so I imagine doing it.

And I've seen pictures of Mayfair nightclubs in newspapers.

So I feel like I'm a happy go-between, whereas James is refusing to believe he knows what a Mayfair nightclub will be at all.

You can be the Google Translate between us.

Absolutely fine.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I'm sure it'll come off again.

I find if I'm in a small plate restaurant and I start and I know, because you always know that you're about to overorder, even if they don't explain it to you beforehand you know when you're about to do an overorder and so the trick is because you know there's going to be judgment coming in at some point from the waiting staff maybe they'll even advise you not to have as much as you're having and so it's all in your delivery the way that you go through it like we'll have this this and this and then you know that you've only made to have five between the two of you so as soon as you get to five you do that and then you're like oh and um and you sell this as it's your last one the sixth one you've got to sell it as if it's the final one We'll have that.

Then they go, yep, okay.

Then you just like you slide a couple under the radar just as the door's closing.

You go, and there's a bit.

Thank you very much.

And then, as they're walking away, chuck another one in there.

Yeah, you've got to, basically, you've got to columbo it, haven't you?

Yeah.

As they're walking away, one more thing.

Yeah.

And I think the worst thing that you can do is say, will that be enough?

Do you think that's too much?

Would you that be enough?

You never, ever want to ask that.

No.

The answer to that always that I get is, well, how hungry are you?

So unnatural.

In a really judgmental way, as if to say, are you really going to eat all this food, you fucking pig?

That's basically what they want to say, isn't it?

And then I do eat it and I feel awful.

Also, they give me that false sense of hope when they say, well, look, you can always order more.

And then I don't feel like you ever do order more because once you're in the flow of it and you know that there isn't enough food, it's so rare that you call them over and say, can I have the menu back?

I'd like to order another stew between six.

Imagine being that person that, when they say you can always order more, actually orders more.

It's never happened.

In fact,

what normally happens to me is they forget a dish and like a dish hasn't arrived.

And I have to say to the person I'm with, I really hope they have completely forgotten about this because I'm too full and I couldn't possibly eat it.

That is the dream.

Every now and again, I've over-ordered and they've forgotten to bring one of the dishes over.

And you realise, oh, thank God.

But then you still want to bring it up because you don't want to on the, you don't have to pay for that dish that didn't come.

So right at the end, you have to kind of say, we ordered broken and it didn't arrive.

Oh, so sorry.

We'll just, no, no, please do not get it.

No, I'm in a rush.

I'm in a bit of a rush.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't possibly have it.

I've had it backfire before.

when I was in Japan and we were in an Izakaya and we ordered far too much food.

And then there was one dish remaining and we were completely stuffed.

We're like, please don't arrive because that dish was curly fries covered in fish eggs.

A nice little palate cleanser at the end.

Exactly.

Just something a little fresh at the end of the meal, just to lift you up.

And it arrived and it was a gigantic bowl.

And I duly ate the whole thing.

And it was the worst end of the evening.

I hope before you ate the whole thing, you took a photo of them and tweeted it to a certain you-know-who and said, What about these ones?

Yes.

Krishnan Guru Murthy in the folklore of the podcast has never seen a curly fry.

What the fuck?

That's crazy.

Do you know?

The university that I went to was the most like apolitical university.

There was no the whole time that I was there.

I don't think there I never saw one petition

circulated.

I never saw any marches.

I never saw any protests.

The only huge student revolt that I saw was when they took curly fries off the student union public.

Quick translate for James: University is a place of learning.

It's like tertiary education.

Okay.

Similar to school?

It's like school, but sort of a bit more grown up and a bit more relaxed.

Good curly fries there.

Good curly fries.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

So obviously before we move on with the meal itself, Dolly, in this restaurant, Pre-Water, we have the book course where we talk about a book that the guest has recently written.

Now, a little birdie tells me you've just written a book.

I have.

I also really appreciate the book course because I think if you forget the book course, then a very angry publicist storms in at the end when I pay the bill.

It's good that you've written a book because quite often the book course just falls on deaf ears because our guests haven't written a book.

Yes, I've just written a book.

I've written a novel called Ghosts.

Tell us a little bit about the novel Ghosts.

whilst trying to look happy about it and not like you've had to do this about 150 times already.

So Ghosts is a novel about a woman called Nina who's in her early 30s and she's never dated before.

So she tries the world of online dating and

she, well, it's not really a spoiler, the clues and the title.

She gets ghosted and she's also been kind of ghosted in other ways in her life.

Her father is suffering from dementia.

Her oldest friend is starting a family and moving out of london and her ex-boyfriend who was like the big long-term relationship of her 20s is getting married and every time i describe this book i make it sound so miserable and i promise there are some jokes in there as well now to connect it with the podcast when you're writing a book what snacks are you eating yes i once read that the worst thing that you can do when you're writing is stop and make a complicated lunch.

It's annoying because I love lunch and I love cooking.

And if I could, I would take an hour and a half every day to make something complicated.

But the minute you start faffing about with the lunch,

I just the whole afternoon, you lose your focus.

So I have, I kind of snack and graze all day, but I don't really let myself cook anything until the evening.

I just think I'm so easily distracted.

I'm so desperate to do anything other than write the damn book.

I can't give myself any permission at all.

So it's mainly just, you know, bits of cheese, bits of bread, pieces of fruit.

Very Dickensian, really.

Do you guys stop for lunch or do you find it can be a bit distracting if you start kind of assembling things?

I've learned some little simple things now and I'm absolutely loving it.

Simple, quick things.

Just had a grilled aubergine yesterday.

That's all I did.

Just stop for a little grilled aubergine.

Takes 15 minutes.

Absolutely delicious.

Ed, do you remember that aubergine that we had in New York at Lil Frankie's?

Yes.

You went crazy.

And you were like, it's pretty easy to make those.

You were right.

Easiest thing in the world.

What do you do the same as the man?

So cut it in half, score it, then brushed it with olive oil, salt and pepper.

Put it skin side up under the grill for 10 minutes.

Then flip them over, then more olive oil, garlic and lemon juice, under again for five minutes, and then I bought it out, and did all the theater that that man did, and I mushed it all up on the inside, spread it all out, got it all so all the flesh was all mixed up, and it's still sitting in the skins.

And then I ate it, and I was like, I did it.

I'm a little frankie.

And do you eat anything with it, or do you just eat it almost like a yogurt?

You just scoop it out.

Good question.

I think you should eat something with it.

Yesterday I did not.

It was a bit like I was eating a yoghurt, yeah.

Like a savoury yoghurt.

Do you know?

I actually think I've never been someone who's got bored of cooking.

Like it's one of my favourite things to do and I never, I can never kind of have enough of it.

Lockdown is the first time in my life where I was just like,

I'm done with this.

I'm absolutely.

And I think it was the cycle of washing up.

It just made me think about, I felt like I was inching toward death every day when I was going through the cycle of washing up and putting it back.

And then do I put it in the cupboard?

Probably not.

It's going to be out again in four hours.

You don't have have to do any washing up here at the dream restaurant.

The great Benito does all the washing up here.

He's the pot one.

Still on sparkling water.

Sparkling, please.

I love sparkling water so much that I purchased a soda stream just to make my own sparkling water at home.

And then I did something so sad because I was getting through those canisters so fast.

I sat and calculated what the price difference was between making my own sparkling water at home and buying just the big value bottles from sainsbury's and it was the difference of about 9p

but there's something exciting about it look uh just gonna put all our cards on the table soda stream sent me and james a right okay

recently each one it one each we don't have to share it or anything i've never been on board with sparkling water at home really too decadent the process of making your own sparkling water the hiss of it when you take it out it feels like you're in the future it feels like you're it feels like you're getting a message out of a tube

on a big spaceship, if you know what I mean.

It does feel like a spaceship.

I think James has got other opinions on it because he texted me saying he'd soaked himself.

I don't know what I'm doing different to you.

I don't know what you're doing.

I think I know what you're doing.

So I've actually got one right here.

I've got the soda stream bottle.

If you go over that watermark or under that watermark, then it will spray everywhere.

And also, once you've finished fizzing it you need to let it rest for about five seconds before you take it out otherwise it will spray all over you have you been overfilling it james i know you've been

i was very careful with the watermark i mean clearly i've got either like a millimeter or one millimeter above or below it and like i i was very careful getting it on the mark did right

it says like do like three pumps of the button for slightly fizzy and four for megafizz or whatever it says yeah that's exactly are you putting like big pauses between each time you press the button or you just go

no not dush dish dish don't dish no don't do that i'm just

dhst

dhz yeah but i've done that i've done it at that pace soaked and then do you take it straight out because if you take it immediately straight out then it will it's never got me on the immediate while i'm taking it out while i'm taking it out it's always been okay it's always when i'm dushing the button and then completely soaks me i wonder what is happening here and it's not even that fizzy I bet they've sent you a joke one.

Sounds like they have.

Thank you, Soda Stream, for my one that works.

And thank you for sending a joke one.

It's so embarrassing.

My girlfriend had never even heard of Soda Stream before.

Can you imagine, Dolly?

She'd never even heard of it.

And so we got this SodaStream sent to us.

And I was like, I'm going to show her how great Soda Streams are.

And I just soak myself and then it's not even fizzy.

I don't think you can be putting it in properly.

I don't think you're securing it into the thing.

that you're going to be able to do.

It's got to really click up.

This is going to be a very accessible segment, isn't it, for anyone who's never tried a soda stream.

Have you tried anything else, Ed, in your soda stream?

No, it's just been water.

Obviously, the temptation for milk is there.

Yeah.

I'm trying to hold back from fizzy milk at the moment.

I've not used any of the syrups yet.

It's just been straight up water.

I use the syrup.

Well, it didn't matter if you use the syrup, mate.

So you were sticky and wet.

I just like this idea of this sort of like

Willy Wonka thing going on with you every time you go to the soda stream.

Why don't you call me later?

Do a video call later and I'll take you through it, okay?

Okay, thank you, Ed.

All right, right.

So we've got spark.

It's so hard.

It's so hard, this question.

It's really been

churning away in the noggin for a couple of weeks.

This question, because

I don't love popadoms, but I love lime pickle.

Do I I get lime pickle?

Yeah, yes.

But are you going to choose bread and have lime pickle?

What's your...

Oh, could I do that?

I don't think I'd stop.

Yeah.

Okay.

No one's done it before, which makes me want to let you do that.

Okay, great.

I'll do that.

I'm a complete pickle fanatic.

I have a pickle shelf in my fridge.

I love anything in vinegar.

And lime pickle on bread.

Can I get butter as well?

I'd like a really thick layer of salted butter.

Oh my mouth's re-watering.

I'd like a really thick layer of salted butter

on some on like just squidgy white bloomer bread and then I'd like to load some lime pickle on top of it.

It's a pretty maverick move.

Do you think that have you done that?

Have you done that before?

I've had lime pickle on toast, yeah.

Toast I understand.

When you said squidgy bread, I was like, are we getting lime pickle involved in this?

I know, but I want the, I'm actually not a huge fan of bread in the carb in my kind of top greatest hits of carbs bread comes at in at number three i think what i know well we're obviously going to need the full rundown of the uh of the carbs number one pasta

number two potatoes number three bread oh no edgy looks so upset i think that's fine no it's all right this is you know this is what the podcast's about you know i think it's i think i think it's okay i just it's a shame to see bread so low you know what I'd put it in the same place.

I'd put it third.

I'd probably put potatoes first.

I love potatoes.

I love all the different ways you're going to have them.

Pasta's brilliant, but I just don't want it as often as I have potatoes.

Yeah.

I do like bread, but I'd put it in third.

I just don't seem to be as fanatical about bread as other people are.

Like, I love bread as a vehicle for a huge amount of butter, but I would never sit at a table and just stuff a big dry bread roll in my mouth the way that lots of my dining companions do.

You wouldn't stuff a big dry potato in your mouth either, would you?

Good point.

Look, I'm probably going to upset you absolute tater heads over there, but I think potatoes might be near the bottom for me.

What?

There's no real way of preparing potatoes that I'm like, yes, that's what I definitely want.

Like, fries, chips, fine.

Mash?

Nah, it's too wet.

What?

Not if it's done properly.

But it's too wet.

Not if I did it for you.

Baked potato, what about a baked potato?

No.

No, baked potatoes are towards the.

If we're going into the meta chart, the baked potato is actually quite low on the baked potato chart.

And the bottom has got to be boiled new potatoes are the worst food in the world.

Oh, not if they're like in garlic butter.

Yeah.

Not some garlic potatoes.

I like the butter.

Yeah, lovely.

Give me the butter.

Put it on some bread.

Perfect.

No, no.

What about hasslebacks?

Oh, I love a hassleback.

Nah.

It's a fad.

It's a gimmick.

What about it?

Look, I like roast potatoes.

I like potato dauphinoirs.

I like potato boulinger.

Look, I'm a big fan of of carbs.

So when you put potatoes low on the carb list, it's still above most foods.

But I'm a breadhead.

I'm a breadhead at heart.

What are you going bread number one, pasta number two?

I might go rice number two.

Rice is number one.

Oh, no, that's mad.

Just stop eating.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for agreeing with the majority of the world, James, that rice is a good food.

It's all right.

But I think the majority of the world are just putting up with it.

Easy to make.

That's the job.

I agree.

I agree.

Oh, where are noodles in this conversation?

Oh, yeah, noodles.

Yeah, I'd actually put noodles above bread.

Bread would come in at number four, actually.

I'd go nudes above rice and above pasta, actually.

Oh, my God.

I'd probably go pasta before rice.

Who am I kidding?

Sorry, I'm spending far too long doing this.

No,

I don't think we've spent long enough yet.

Actually,

maybe potatoes was second.

There we go.

But I'm trying to work out if I like the potato or I like all the things you can add to it because there's the baked potato shop in Edinburgh on the top of Coburn Street.

And there's Monster Mash, the champ mash there.

Absolutely brilliant.

Takes on butter wonderfully.

But is it the potato I like or is it everything else added to it?

It's a philosophical question.

I don't like...

that argument when people put it forward.

They do it for a lot of different things and say, oh, I'm not putting it forward.

I'm saying what do I like?

But I appreciate that, Ed.

I'm basically trying to help you.

Because I think everyone goes, oh, you you don't like the potato you like all the toppings and no no no no food is a combination of stuff right so when people are like oh that's not what yo oh what's it niche kumar always telling me oh you don't like sushi you like soy sauce that's all you like and all this like no because I'm not glucking soy sauce out of a bottle on its own am I

so that's that's nonsense it's a combination of all of it and you enjoy that and the main headliner of the dish is either the mash or the sushi whatever you're involved in so that's what that's what you attribute to the main thing that you you like.

Also,

I don't want to enter into a us and them thing with the with the bread and the and the potatoes.

And you guys have obviously a very good thing going on and I don't want to cause any fractures between you two.

But

you can, a potato without topping can still have lots of texture.

So you can, a baked potato, the perfect baked potato, which you should cook for way longer than you think you should cook, will have a really crispy outside and a really soft fudgy inside whereas a bit of bread if you're having it bare lovely i i i challenge you dolly to get a fresh baguette and walk home and not bite the top off okay challenge accepted it sticks out the bag it sticks out the bag it's going oh i'm all warm and fresh you're gonna bite the top off aren't you all right i'll have a i'll have a go at that okay you've genuinely accepted it as a challenge

we better get on to your starter.

I think I would have, I think I'm going to be one of those really annoying people at your restaurant who offers up two things and then asks the genie to recommend which I should have.

So I'm glad.

Either I would have, and this is like a recently discovered, delicious, amazing thing that I can't believe I've never had before, a whole globe artichoke steamed with homemade Bernay sauce to dip it in.

And then you just take the flesh off off the leaves with your teeth.

I had it in a restaurant for the first time.

Have you guys ever had that?

No, never heard of this.

I know what an artichoke is, but I know what all the individual words mean, but that dish I didn't know was a dish.

You're going to have to translate it again here, eh?

I have had it.

I think I actually had it in Bone Daddy's.

They did it in Bone Daddy's for a while.

But I didn't know how to eat it.

I wasn't really au fait with the artichoke.

Yeah, it's very, and no one tells you.

No one tells you.

They assume you know how to eat the artichoke, and then you end up trying to chew through a whole leaf.

Yeah.

And you think, this is what the hell is wrong with this vegetable?

This is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

And then you realise you've got to sort of scrape it off with your teeth and like leave the petals there.

It's a very, it doesn't look nice when you've finished it.

It looks like you've just chewed on everything and then spat it out.

But it is.

It's delicious.

So delicious.

Where have you had this?

I had it in a restaurant in Soho.

I can't remember the name of it.

And then my book editor, who's a woman called Juliet, who also, she edits cookbooks.

And she is,

I think, the best cook that I've ever met, and is kind of known for her cooking.

I went to her house, and she did it at her house for me.

It was so beautiful.

So, she gave me the recipe, and I tried to do it at home, and it was fucking rank.

I tried to

steamed it for like three hours, and it was horrible.

It just tasted like eating,

I couldn't get, you know, when it's, it go, the leaf, the leaf flesh goes really like velvety, and it it should just like scrape straight off.

It was just like eating bark.

It was horrible.

So that's why I think it would be nice to have in a restaurant because it's just something you'd never have at home.

Well, look, I know you're asking me to recommend something and I haven't heard the second one yet, but I'm recommending the second one.

You don't like the sound of this, James.

Even when you described the nice version of it, I was like, no, thank you.

Scraping it off with my teeth and doing all that.

What?

Okay, so the second thing that I was going to ask for is a really garlicky gazpacho with ice cubes in it.

Wow.

I mean, I love a gazpacho.

Let's go with that.

I love gazpacho.

I think the best thing I've eaten all lockdown was a gazpacho, actually.

During the heat wave?

Yeah, it was when it was really hot.

And

it's one of the takeaways we got, and I think it was from there's a place called

Père de Terre, Pierre de Terre, something like that.

Yeah, sounds sounds right.

And they were doing a vegan feast delivered to your house and pean mint gazpacho was the starter.

I could have drank it forever.

Love it.

I think gazpacho has ruined hot soup for me.

Me too.

Me too.

I taste hot soup and I'm like, have the courage of your convictions and go cold.

What's hot soup hiding?

And also you can have lots of little bits.

You can scatter little bits.

I had gazpacho recently at a friend's house and she had like a hard-boiled egg chopped up, which is apparently traditional that you can have on top.

It's just so good.

Well, here's a question about your gazpacho that we're going to be serving you.

How many straws would you like?

Straws, I'm not going to be prissy about.

Sparklers, I would like three.

The thing is about gazpacho is that it sounds,

even though I've had gazpacho, that's been delicious, but it always sounds gross to me.

Like, I can't switch that thing in my head that says cold soup is disgusting.

Yeah.

And yet, every time I've had it, it's been like refreshing and delicious and surprising.

Yeah, you're so right.

And do you know what else I have that with?

Tarama salata.

Yes.

Like academically, cognitively, I'm like,

no, can't.

And then I just have to have really pure thoughts as that bread with taramaslata is going into my mouth.

And then the minute it's in the gob, I'm totally sold.

It's the colour of it as well.

No dip should be that colour.

Yeah.

And the name.

Not a fan of the name.

I think the name said in an English accent just doesn't sound nice

Phonetically it's it's a squelchy name floppy word.

Yeah, yeah Terma salata.

It doesn't sound like it's gonna be good when said in our accents.

Yeah, I think they've missed a real thing here.

There could be a gap in the market for cartons of gaspachio like cartons of Ribena and sell them in the supermarket sell them in corner shops I would easily on a hot day I'd rather pick up a carton of gaspatio than a carton of ribena.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you can actually buy cartons cartons of them in Spain.

Wow.

Yeah.

I think so.

I think you can.

I'll move it to Spain.

I'll do it.

What would you call if you started that business Ed and it was in a little carton of Gazpacho?

People grab it as a brain.

Oh, Gazpacho go.

Yeah.

Less than a second, that.

Of course.

How are you guys with oysters?

Because I nearly was toying with oysters as well.

After the Mayfair comment, I'm glad I didn't.

But you guys like oysters?

I love oysters.

I think oysters I thought were going to be disgusting, so I didn't eat them for ages.

Once I ate them, thought they were amazing and never thought of them as anything other than delicious.

Gespacho is different because no matter how many amazing gaspos I have, even when it's the best thing I've had in the last four months, I still think in my head that's disgusting.

Yeah.

You just can't undo it.

I have foods that I will not order because I can't be bothered with the admin.

I think the artichoke would be one of those.

Prawns with the shell on,

that sort of thing crab yeah crab uh muscles anything that requires me to do admin and get mucky hands yeah it feels like a worker

probably probably swerve i'm with you i'm getting prawns tonight you're getting prawns i'm getting big daddy prawns fat prawns from four minutes away from me and this curry they do with the they're in the shells but they just come out the shell they pop out the shells easy first time i saw them in the shells i felt like you i was like oh no yeah oh no i'm gonna go disgusting i'm gonna be all so gross.

And then I was like so happy when they just, the flesh, just the plump, succulent flesh of the prawn is peeled out of its shell so easy.

And that sauce they have with it, ah, I'm in love and I can't wait to get it later.

I woke up this morning and I started thinking about it immediately.

How long have you been planning to get the prawns?

Since last night when we were watching something and I texted my mum and asked her what she was up to today and she said her and her friend Hillary were having a curry.

And I thought, I want a curry.

I want that prawn curry.

And I said to my girlfriend, Can we get curry tomorrow, please?

Because it's 11 o'clock now, it's too late to order curry.

So, yes, I said that is the most pathetic story you've ever told in your life.

No, I know that you are getting a curry, you know, the feeling of you want to get a curry because you want to copy your mum.

Well,

it's not because I want to copy my mum.

Let me be clear, oh, mommy, I'd like to get a curry like you and Hillary, but it's too late.

If I get one tomorrow, are we still the same?

It's because

whenever anyone says they're getting a curry, it makes me want to show it.

Especially your mum and Hillary.

Actually, my mum and Hillary, who are the coolest people I know.

Tired of spills and stains on your sofa?

WashableSofas.com has your back, featuring the Annabe collection, the only designer sofa that's machine washable inside and out, where designer quality meets budget-friendly prices.

That's right, sofas started just $699.

Enjoy a no-risk experience with pet-friendly, stain-resistant, and changeable slip covers made with performance fabrics.

Experience cloud-like comfort with high-resilience foam that's hypoallergenic and never needs fluffing.

The sturdy steel frame ensures longevity, and the modular pieces can be rearranged anytime.

Check out washable sofas.com and get up to 60% off your Anibay sofa, backed by a 30-day satisfaction guarantee.

If you're not absolutely in love, send it back for a full refund.

No return shipping or restocking fees.

Every penny back.

Upgrade now at washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Your main course then, Dolly, we've got Gazpacho for the starter and if you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of putting that artichoke in the bin.

Okay, no problem.

But what is your main course?

I think I would have, in a world of no consequence, as we've always already kind of established, I would eat pasta for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

So I think my main course I would have spaghetti with clams is my fave pasta.

This is a sore spot, though, for me.

Oh, why?

Oh, dear.

This is one of the things that sent me out of pointless.

The episode continues to be relatable.

Yeah,

we've discussed it before on the podcast, but I went crashing out of pointless because we had to guess ingredients that were in a pasta dish.

There was a whole load of different pasta dishes by a whole load of different famous chefs.

Name any ingredient that's in any of those pasta dishes.

I said chocolate

because I had it in my memory that people put chocolate in.

Yeah, we've been through this before.

You were thinking of Chelly Concarney.

Carry on.

But Horn said clams.

And he got like, you know, two or something.

And they beat us.

Clams in pasta as nice as it sounds.

I know, I just feel like a failure now.

I'm sitting here.

To be fair, Dolly, don't be that worried because any dish you picked, James would have been able to find a way of getting in an anecdote about a horrible time he'd had on a TV show.

Yes,

to be fair,

either that or a liking

or a podcast, or a podcast,

radio show

are the uh, are the clams in their shells and in the yes, and you know what?

That's a faff I don't mind because what I do is I will take all the clams out of the shells and put them into the pasta and before I start so I can just go hell for leather.

When you eat it, they're out of the shells.

Yes, yes.

Okay, good.

And I'm sure that's quite crass.

I'm sure you probably shouldn't do that.

But I

don't want to be, once I get started, it is my favourite thing in the whole world.

And once I get started, I don't want to to be stopping doing those shells and the fingers in the lemon.

Now, I know that this, the Mayfair nightclub thing hit you quite hard at the beginning of the episode because otherwise you would have referred to this as spaghetti al bongolay.

Oh my god.

You might have made the decision in your mind to translate it into English.

You knew that about me.

I literally was like, don't give them more ammo.

And if they say,

if they say bongolay, you go, what?

I don't know what that is.

What's that?

I've never heard of that.

I don't know what that is.

I was at Al Vongola.

I thought ed said so

i i haven't heard this word before and i'm not isn't me trying to appear like you know an everyman i haven't heard bongolay before but like uh

when ed said it i thought he said spaghetti al bongolay and i thought it was like i started thinking about bungle from rainbow eating some spaghetti

Al bungalay.

But I probably said

I probably tried to really, really jazz up the pronunciation of it there.

Al Bongalay.

It probably said closer to bungalay than i mean that does sound like something del boy would say spaghetti al bongolay yeah yeah

yeah

other than the trauma of the of pointless uh do you guys like clams i don't know how often i'm having clams so yeah so i've not had them very often and when i have

i think i compare them too much to stuff like oysters and i don't like them as much as that and so i've never i know i think i've only had them like twice and both times it's been at a place that does oysters.

And we've just like gone, oh, let's, yeah, you know, we've kind of a group of mates have gone crazy.

Let's get some clams as well.

They've gone, nah.

But maybe I haven't had good ones.

I think they're better than mussels.

I think they're so much more delicious than mussels.

Would you have them in any other context apart from the pasta?

Would you have just a bucket of clam solo?

I would.

I've discovered this new fish delivery

site that's so good called Pesky Fish.

It's so good.

I discovered it in lockdown because I kind of accidentally ended up marooned in a cottage in the middle of nowhere by myself with no car for three months of lockdown.

So I had to kind of, and obviously, none of the supermarkets were delivering.

So I had to find places that could deliver food.

And I found this place called Pesky Fish, and I now use them pretty much every week.

And you sign up, and then every day they do an email at like eight in the morning saying what the catch was from the day and the night before.

And they list it, and then you have to be really fast ordering it.

And then it arrives to you the next morning in an ice box, normally with like a little postcard from your fisherman.

Oh, I love that.

Great.

Is that really from the fisherman?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, I'd be very sad if I found out if it wasn't from the fisherman.

That would really upset me.

As far as I know, fisherman's job is pretty grueling.

You know, you get up really early, you'll be fishing all day, but at the end, it's like, uh, thanks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the guy comes to collect them from pesky fish.

Jeez, oh, thanks for these, Frank.

These are you've been catching some athletic fish.

Could you uh write Dolly a postcard, please?

What

just write her a postcard saying she you hope that she enjoys the fish?

Well, she knows she wouldn't enjoy the fish.

I've just been fishing all day, so like

I'll tell you what, as long as it's in your handwriting, that's all that matters.

So, I'll so dear, dear Dolly, write this down, Frank.

It was a pleasure to catch this fish for you.

Please enjoy.

Best wishes, and I hope you're coping well during all this COVID nonsense.

Okay, Frank, thank you.

Only 350 more times.

No, Dania Ed, welcome to the Pesky Fish Family.

My name is Frank.

I feel like I've massively, when you get your pesky fish order, I've been grandiose.

It's literally just something that says where the fish is from and the name of the fisherman.

Great.

The thing is, what I would genuinely love, and I wouldn't even complain about this, I would absolutely love it, is if I got an order from Pesky Fish and the postcard just said to James, fuck you from Fred.

I would think it was so funny.

And I'd respect your fisherman who admitted that so much.

And I'm so glad this got to me.

Like soaking wet, the postcard soaking wet, like all the inks running.

So fuck you, fuck you, and pesky fish.

Fuck you and fuck pesky fish.

I'm so tired,

Fuck you and you're whimsy.

You whimsical little prick.

So have you got the clams from there?

Yeah, so I got some clams from there and I just cooked them like I'd cook like you'd cook

mul Marignette.

I'm now just so, I'm now so self-conscious.

Dolly, lean into it.

Lean into it.

Yeah, with just like

onion and wine and cream and parsley, just with a big hunk hunk of bread.

Love some bread.

You're not dipping a big old potato in there.

Interesting.

You seem to enjoy bread when it's convenient for you.

We come to your side dish.

And look, I don't want you to suddenly, Fegal is picking me up on all this stuff.

That means I've got to go.

Don't.

We'll be able to tell if you're lying.

You are going to think I'm lying.

I have proof.

When I was thinking about what my side order would be, I thought about the thing that I like, like the most moorish, kind of picky thing that I can't stop eating when I start.

And I thought of Cheeto's Twisted Flame Hot.

And I'm just, I'm just holding up a packet for proof that I ate, I ate them earlier.

Yeah.

39p, any free for a quid.

30p, if anything, a bit too expensive for me.

And

yeah, and I can't, I'm completely addicted.

Have you guys tried these?

They're the best crisps in the whole world.

No, but I think this is our first crisp side dish.

Yeah, actually,

and I respect it.

Um, I've never, I don't think I've ever had a Cheeto before, twisted or otherwise.

I hadn't eaten them until about a month ago, and then I saw them in the corner shop and I just decided to try.

That's my favourite texture of crisp.

I hate a, I don't like a kettle chip.

I like a kind of light, crispy, monster munch, space raider, what's it quaver.

That's my like platonic ideal of a crisp.

So I decided to try them and they are the most more, like, I can't describe how delicious and moorish they are.

And I'm so obsessed with them now that when I go to my corner shop, I will survey the crisps under the till and ask if they have any, like, like it's a cheese counter.

Like, I literally, I'm so up to.

I'm like, have you got any more of those lovely

flame hot Cheetos coming in?

And I think I'm averaging

about five packets a week at the moment.

So that would be my side dish.

Also, this is very interesting because every week on the podcast, we have a secret ingredient that if the guest says it, we chuck them out of the restaurant.

We don't give them any food.

Oh, yeah.

This week on the WhatsApp group, one of the things that suggested to be the secret ingredient, but we didn't go with, the great Benito suggested Monster Munch.

And you've just mentioned how much you love it.

You've chosen Chris as your side.

I mean...

Could have happened.

There is a world where you pick Monster Munch and then...

Totally, because Monster Munch is like one of my top three Chris.

I think it's probably number two, actually, pickled onion, Monster Munch.

Ed hates it.

I don't like him.

And I think it's very interesting for a couple of potato heads to be talking up the Monster Munch and doing down the kettle chip, which is the most potato of all the Crisps.

And your Monster Munches, your Watsits, are sort of corn and maize-based.

They're not even potato.

I just, I find kettle chips too

quickly come on he's getting i know you gotta you gotta do well

the potato crisp that i love which is arguably the most potatoe of of all the potato crisps is the tato the irish tato that's my favourite have you guys tried potatoes i have had tatoes i've not been to the theme park but i would like to i would love to go to that theme park i did a tour like a book tour last year and i discovered tatoes and i you know just talked a lot about Tatoes publicly and then the next time that I did a show in Dublin people threw packets of Tatoes at the stage when I came on like it was Mick Jagger having sort of knickers thrown at him and I it was the best day of my life I loved it I've had that before because of the podcast you know you walk out and a food that you've mentioned is on the stage.

And the thing is with me is that often on the podcast, I just talk about how much I love ice cream.

So sometimes I walk out at the top of the show and there's a full tub of ice cream on the front at the stage, and I have no other choice but to eat it immediately because it will melt under the hot lights.

I find that very stressful.

Absolutely heaven.

Keep lining them up.

That's what I say.

How flaming hot are they?

Very flaming hot.

I like crisps to make your mouth hurt.

There's also, I think this is the only time that I've been in the tabloid press.

There's a type of crisp that the co-op does.

it's a own brand crisp called um

sea salt and chardonnay vinegar potato crisp and they are so vinegary that they make your mouth hurt they are the best salt and vinegar crisps and i talked about them so much on my podcast that apparently according to the mirror sales went through the roof and no one could buy them.

Well, I think

that's a pretty good reason to be in the tabloid press, to be honest.

Of all the reasons to be in the tabloid press, because you made some Christmas.

Yeah, after all those Mayfair club days, it could be much worse, couldn't it?

Hold on a second.

You're completely shooting yourself in the foot.

You're coming on here and saying that you love flaming hot Cheetos, and now you're not being able to get them at all your shops because they're going to sell out now.

I know.

I've fucked it.

Yeah, they're already very, very hard to find.

And I'm going through them at a rate of knots at that corner shop.

I think his heart sinks

every time I walk in there.

I don't know.

He must be pretty delighted.

It must be like, finally, all those Cheeto perches I made earlier.

Don't look stupid.

Do you know what?

I am going to send a packet to both of you because you can't, and also that it has to be the twisted ones.

They're in a spiral shape.

Why?

They're just, it retains the flavour more.

And, you know, the maisy crisp.

I don't, maybe, if you don't like Monster Munch Ed, maybe you won't like them, but the maisiness and the thickness of them means they kind of like form on the roof of your mouth in like a lovely mush.

God, they're so good.

I'm so sad that packet is finished.

You have just described the one thing that I don't like about those kind of crisps.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your drink then, we come to your drink to wash all this.

You've got all the roof of your mouth is just coated in

Cheetos.

I guess...

Spicy sludge.

A sludgy, furry Cheetos

sediment on the top of your mouth.

How are you going to wash all that down?

Okay, well, I've made my bed, so I'm going to lie in it.

It would be a champagne cocktail, which is my favorite thing to give to people when they come to my house.

And then they immediately, they're so hungover and violently sick the next day, they never come to my flat again.

So it's a sugar cube with a spoonful, like a teaspoonful of brandy or cognac, and then chopped up with champagne.

Carver is fine, Cremont is fine, definitely not Prosecco, and then a few Angostura Bitters, and it is the best drink in the whole world.

I would drink it all day if I could.

In fact, that's how I plan to spend my old age.

I think anytime, if I've never had a cocktail, like if there's a certain cocktail and I haven't had it before, Angostura Bitters always sells it for me.

Yeah.

So good.

Yeah.

What else do you have it in?

Well, my, so my girlfriend absolutely loves it.

Like, she'll put it in like lemonade.

Like, she'll just, she'll just, you know, she'll

like proper shake it in there and stuff like she'll really go for it so we really we really go through it but i'll put it in like if i ever if i can be bothered to make a cocktail which is rare like i think the last time i made cocktails nish kumar came over and i made old-fashions uh and i think we went through a bottle of bourbon and that is the last time i drank bourbon

yeah but i like i like that it's that also has that element of putting a sugar cube in and putting some liquid onto the sugar cube and i like that feeling because it makes me feel like i'm trying to sneak medicine to a child Yeah, yeah, it's very merry poppins, or a horse, yeah, very clever.

You like to think of all of your guests as horses, yeah, yeah, horses or horses or children.

That's why, I mean, if anyone's ever come to my house for dinner before, um, that's why I say horse or child when you come in.

I know I never explained it, but it's just me working out which one you are.

You say horse, he pops a saddle on you.

If you say child, he needs to wear a napkin.

Yeah, if I feed you with a flat hand, you know which one you are.

If he makes an airplane noise, it's the other way

oh it's such a relief for everyone that you've cleared that up yeah yeah it was weird it was weird i used to put i used to put bitters in uh

in my world famous rob royce any uh any really hardcore fans of the podcast who's doing enough episodes will know that i used to mate rob royce for a little bit it's a it's a deep cut but uh i've mentioned it before

i went i went for a drink with nish recently as well ed yeah you went for many drinks with nish didn't you yeah had a whole day of and i you know i haven't really been drinking that much during uh or since lockdown and way too many drinks with nish and at the end of the night nish without telling me ordered loads of food i didn't know he was doing this and then it arrived and he said do you want some i went no and then he had to he had to eat six bags of chicken wings to himself

eating them every now and again like what waving and wing at me like you sure yep absolutely sure i'm not hungry kept on eating I had so many at 24 wings or something I've never seen a man uh more comfortable with being messy eating food yeah like I don't know how how you are with that Dolly like I I think I'm okay up to a point I can eat a wing but I probably have to then wash my hands and then have the next wing I don't think I could be messy from a wing and then go into the next wing

I mean, I don't, I gave up meat in my mid-20s, but I'm thinking about the last time that I ate that kind of barbecue stuff.

Yeah, I think I probably would have to have a quick

clear-up.

But is he someone who just is very happy to be very sticky?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Just face covered in it, hands covered in it.

He'll just sit there off out.

He doesn't.

I think better than better than the other way.

There's nothing I find more off-putting.

And particularly if you're on a date with someone, more unhot than someone who's like prissy about eating.

They never give you enough wet wipes to.

serious they never give you as if by magic here's the person you were talking about

but then they never give you enough to be able to do it in between each wing

and and have enough of them so like you end up with this disgusting wipe that is just

orange

horrible and you've and now your fingers weirdly smell like the wipe yeah and you're eating the wings of them and you're going back to the wipe in between and you're like why didn't I just eat all three wings and then do one massive wipe at the end and then I could go to the toilet and like proper to wash my hands so I just use the wipe enough to get me to the toilet and then wash properly in there huge shout out to some wings I had recently from the collab in Walthamstow they're like buffalo wings but they there are small bits of bacon in the batter

absolutely phenomenal huge wings as well very messy but honestly I've decided next time I get them I've just decided this now to cut down on the mess.

I think I'm just going to eat them in the bath.

Yeah, good idea.

Oh, also, because that way you can get in the bath and then your girlfriend can come in and shake some mangostewa bitters into the bath water.

And you can just sweep it, label it right.

You just described our perfect evening.

Yeah.

I heard a story the other day that I think is maybe the grimmest lockdown story I've heard.

Just speaking of drunk men overeating, where a guy, this is like a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, he had a stag do that he decided he wanted to happen over Zoom with you know 30 blokes.

And they decided that it wouldn't be fun enough to just get him kind of progressively drunk and see that happening on screen.

Like that wasn't enough of a visual spectacle.

So instead, every 10 minutes, they all had to order him a delivery of the value of 25 pounds.

And this went on, it started at like four o'clock in the afternoon and ended at like four in the morning.

And then the next day he ended up in hospital.

Of course he did.

Isn't that the worst?

Like, I just can't really get my head around that anecdote.

And imagine having to go to the hospital during a pandemic

when the NHS are working on really important stuff and saying, I'm sorry, I've come to the hospital.

I'm so full.

I've had 29 deliveries.

Yeah.

I've kept on eating all the deliveries my friend sent me.

Well, it seemed funny at the time.

I don't know.

I don't know.

So we've got a lovely champagne cocktail.

Was there a name for the champagne cocktail?

It's just called a classic champagne cocktail.

And

it's quite hard.

People often don't know what you mean when you get it in a bar.

So I just kind of have them at home and yeah, make people go to hospital.

I mean, they really are really, really strong.

They're really, really strong.

I was going to say, because

a champagne or any sort of sparkling wine at the beginning of an evening knocks me out, pretty much.

I'm then done.

I'm getting a hangover while I'm drinking it.

So you've added brandy to the situation and sugar, which is an issue.

So then I'm off my face halfway through.

No, I just, it's a very, very

arguably predictable and quite tacky thing about I just love champagne.

I just love the taste of it.

It's all right.

You've brought the Cheetos in.

That's fine.

I've set it.

I know.

Thank fuck.

Yeah.

But I just, I can't.

I know.

Because a lot of people say they can only have just like a couple of glasses at the beginning of the night, otherwise, they have a horrible headache.

I could just drink the stuff like chocolate milk.

I absolutely love it.

Yeah, I've always found it too full-on.

I can't, I get the headache before I'm even finished the first glass.

Yeah.

Very weak.

Yeah.

You are weak.

What if your mum said her and Hilary wants a good bottle of champagne?

A crate of champagne.

Come on, please.

Cheers, mum.

Cheers.

Cheers to you, Hilary.

We come to the dessert.

Very exciting.

The headliner of the meal for a reason is the best.

Not for me.

So if I'm hungover and I want to get the £12

cheesecake slice, that's the only time I'll ever have a real hankering for sweet stuff.

I haven't got that much for sweet tooth.

So if I may, am I allowed to have cheese instead of pudding?

Yes.

Oh, no.

James has left the Zoom call.

He's literally left.

For loyal listeners, you will know what happens when people order cheese.

It's the first time it's happened on a Zoom episode, and I wondered what might have happened.

And he simply left the Zoom call.

This is an order that has made him scream in an elected MP's face before.

Time for a sofa upgrade.

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly, stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washablefas.com to upgrade your living space today with no-risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Okay, we've just taken a quick pause there just to explain what happened.

When Dolly picked her cheese for dessert, which is perfectly reasonable to have for a dessert, James got really angry, slammed his laptop to leave the Zoom

and messed up the recording.

So we've had to come to another

website to record the rest of the podcast because James ruined the whole recording by being a little angry boy and and uh getting getting all pissy about cheese didn't you mate no regrets don't regret stand by it completely stand by it you're lucky that i bothered to reopen the laptop i didn't open the laptop out the winter

also i really like i like when you can really cost out the price of a joke and the cost of that physical gag i think was totally worth it yeah and also you call it a joke but i think he's quite serious um he uh also normally gets to shout at the guests and he gets to get all that anger and aggression out towards the cheese.

But now he's

slammed the laptop and you can still see he's seething.

He's butt is bubbling away there.

Yeah.

Well, I thought by slamming the laptop, I didn't have to listen to the awful chat that now has to follow where Dolly lists a bunch of disgusting cheese and biscuits that she wants instead of a delicious pudding.

But now I have to still listen to this bit.

James, what's the matter?

Do you feel like it's an opportunity missed?

Is that what you feel?

Yes, I like cheese and biscuits at a time that's appropriate.

Maybe even after the dessert, if people want to do that in the evening, and then coffee after that.

Do you want to extend the meal with that?

I'll tolerate that.

Absolutely having no dessert at all during the meal seems absolutely mad to me.

I think you're mad, Donnie.

What would you do if you were out with someone and they ordered cheese instead of a pudding?

Oh, I think Ed can answer that.

Get really angry.

Right.

Even if if we're in a nice restaurant like Carriage's Bar and Grill, James will

be absolutely incensed, call you Ebenezer Scrooge, and then threaten to throw you into Trafalgar Square.

Yep, that's exactly what I did.

I told him I was going to throw him into Trafalgar Square, and I did call him Ebenezer Scrooge.

It was, and Benito can attest to this, the dessert menu there, we were spoilt for choice.

I couldn't decide what I was going to get.

I wanted to see other people have the ones that I wasn't getting so I could see what they were like.

And then he said cheese and biscuits.

But he didn't just say it because it's the look on his face he knew he was being naughty he knew that it would it was gonna upset people namely me I could not believe that he had done it I thought it was such a waste I mean very nice cheese board absolute perfect end to the meal very satisfactory

not a perfect end to the meal would have been you getting thrown in Trafalgar Square God this is this has really been a act three grenade hasn't it I had no idea

whereabouts whereabouts do you live Dolly roughly um I'm in I'm in North London.

Long way to Trafalgar Square.

Do you know what?

I've got the canal right behind my house, so maybe I'll just fill my pockets with the heaviest cheese I can find and just slowly and serenely walk in, and that can be the finale to this episode.

Well, I'd try that, but unfortunately, I'd keep nibbling on the cheese and I'd float right back up to the surface again.

Would, wouldn't he?

Then he'd eat his wings in the water.

Absolutely delighted.

Yeah, washing itself off.

Perfect.

Like a little duck.

Take me through.

What's the dream cheeses on the dream cheese board, Dolly?

So the dream cheeses for me are a big chunk of really gooey gorgonzola, and then, oh, look at James just shifting around in his seat.

I'm so sorry.

And then a big slab of

nutty, salt-crystally comte.

And then

so good.

And then,

have you been to the Fromagerie?

That's a cheese lover.

Oh, it's the, I think it's my favourite place in London.

There are two fromageries, one in Islington and one in Marlebone.

And the woman who started the fromagerie invented, I think you can read the whole history about this cheese on the website, invented the truffle brie.

And it's like a really ripe, stinky brie sliced with a thin slice through it.

And then she uses a contraption that fills it with truffle-infused creme frache, and it is so fucking good.

So, I'd have

truffle brie.

Yeah, yeah, I love that.

All pretense has fallen away now.

We started off with the Mayfair nightclub, you reined it in,

you went for the Cheetos, and then it was a quick dip back into champagne.

Then you tried to pull it back again.

And now we're at Trufflebury.

I just thought, give them hell.

Give them hell.

You know, I just thought, grand finale.

I'll tell you where it would be a good third location for the Fromagerie if they're looking for another London Apple.

Nice short distance for the customers to be thrown from, aren't they?

James.

Yeah, but you can't go into a place called the Fromagerie and get angry that people are ordering cheese, can you?

I can if that's why I'm going there.

I'm not going there to order anything, but I'm going there to get all the people.

I'm going to go in there and go, hands up, who's had dessert today?

Everybody keeps their hands down.

They're getting phonographed.

Don't tell me that truffle brie doesn't sound amazing.

Yeah, it does.

It sounds really good, but if someone had had it instead of a pudding, I'd be angry.

And what are you putting the cheese on?

Are you going for biscuits?

Maybe a Vienetta?

Yeah, I think...

I think

a waffle.

Yeah, no, I actually am a bit of a purist.

I'm fine with just the cheese.

I'm fine with

weighed down by any sort of oat cakes or crackers.

So I think I just have the cheese.

Maybe

I hate saying it.

Maybe a bit of quince,

a bit of quince paste.

I'm sorry.

I just, I hate myself.

I really fucking hate myself.

I don't think I realized like the depth of my self-loathing until I did this podcast.

So a bit of

quince paste, otherwise known as membrillo.

Or

Or have you ever had cheese with

pickled walnuts?

No, I don't think I have actually.

Pickled walnuts and cheese

is one of the most delicious combos ever.

Pickled walnut cheese sandwich is so good.

So maybe I'd just have a bit of quince paste on one side and then a couple of pickled walnuts the other side.

I'm going to meet your menu back to you from my memory.

You would like sparkling water?

Yes.

You would like a squidgy white bloomer bread with salted butter and lime pickle.

Yum, yes please.

For starter,

you would like gazpacho with ice cubes in it.

For your main course you want a

clam de bongolaire.

Clams de bongolaire, yeah.

Your side dish you would like flaming hot twisted Cheetos.

Your drink you would like classic champagne cocktail, and for dessert, you would like to be thrown into Trafalgar Street.

Yes, please, yes, please.

Preferably, preferably by the collar as well, just dragged, dragged.

Yeah, absolutely.

Dolly, thank you so much.

That was a great menu that ended perfectly, in my correct opinion.

Thank you for having me in the dream restaurant.

I look forward to coming again.

I will still ask you if you've been before.

Well, there we have it.

Another episode where you manage to be rude to a guest, James, for their

we ask people to pick their dream menu.

Right?

And then they pick their dream menu and their dream is not good enough for you.

So you get angry and you throw a strop like a big naughty boy.

It's not my fault that some people don't know how to dream, Ed.

It's absolutely awful.

I tell you what, if that's what their dreams are like,

I'd hate it if they did a sequel of Inception and it was based on one of our awful cheese-loving guests and the whole thing was just going down layer and layer.

I would do that actually.

If we're talking about dreams, I would do a sequel to Inception where me and my team of

dream guys, we go into Dolly Alderton's dreams and we implant the idea of eat a fucking pudding, mate.

Eat an actual pudding, please.

Right.

Well, I'd like that because the dreams that you would go through to get there to implant that idea would be a wonderful cheese megaland.

It'd be horrible swimming in fondue and all sorts of stuff.

I would not appreciate it.

It's a shame because you and Dolly were on the same page with the potatoes.

Absolutely.

Yeah, we started off on the same team and you were a man alone.

And then at the end, everyone turned on me.

Yeah.

Bye-bye, James.

So you can get Dolly's book, Ghosts, which I would highly recommend.

That comes out tomorrow on October 15th.

You can listen to her podcast, The High Low, with Pandora Sykes.

That is available on wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Also, tell you what, it's annoying.

The secret ingredient was modelling chocolate, and she didn't pick it, but I'd have more respect if she had.

That would have been a better dessert for you, would it?

Yep, absolutely.

Modelling chocolate.

Even if you want, it's a compromise.

Get the modelling chocolate and shape it into look like cheese and biscuits.

If you're not.

You know what?

I'd prefer modelling brie.

A big stag made a brie.

Yes.

Oh, no.

I'm not the brief stag again.

I can't listen to this.

Every week he talks to me about this in private.

Yeah, my breeze stag ref.

So that was an absolutely delicious menu, I think you'll find.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon in the Dream Restaurant.

Goodbye.

Farewell.

Hello, I'm your dad's friend Lou Sanders, and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

Hmm, it's better than it sounds actually.

I talked to special guests about cuddling.

Hmm, there's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself.

Guests include Catherine Ryan, Richard Osman, and Alan Davies.

It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download.

I'd love you to listen, but you're gonna be the loser if you don't.

It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling.

It's business gone crazy.

It's available on Apple Podcasts.

Of course it is.

ACast, yes.

Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now please.

Don't be an absolute dick piece.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7 pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.