Ep 69: Diane Morgan

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

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Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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After touching this podcast, don't then touch your eyes or genitals because it's hot, baby.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast with me, Ed Gamble.

My name is is James Acaster, and that warning for me came all too late.

Yes, James is burning all over, baby.

Oh, boy.

In the eyes, in the downstairs, round the back.

Not nice.

Downstairs, upstairs in my nightgown.

So the Off Menu Podcast is a food-based podcast where we have a special guest on, and we ask them a series of taxing questions, James.

Questions like their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

It's a dream restaurant.

I'm a genie.

Ed is the proprietor.

I am the proprietor.

We've never really nailed down what my job is in the dream restaurant, really.

The Matra D.

The Matra D, I think.

The Maitre D, sure.

But I mean, within the restaurant, I guess it makes sense that you're asking them what they want.

Yes.

But then I'm just sort of stood next to you, sort of picking apart their choices and wanting to discuss them more.

If anything, it's the most annoying restaurant in the world.

Well, some might say it.

Not me.

I think it's the best thing ever.

And I hope that our guest this week thinks it's the best thing ever as well and thinks we're charming and thinks the the whole concept is fun.

Diane Morgan.

Diane Morgan is our guest, wonderful comedian, actor, writer.

You know her from many things.

Philomena Kunk.

Philomena Kunk, Motherland.

Yes.

Does loads of stuff with Charlie Brooker, with Ricky Gervais as well.

Yeah.

She's an afterlife.

Just brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Always knocks it out of the park, Diane Morgan.

We're big, big fans and very excited to have her on.

She's got a new series coming out called Mandy as well.

Make sure you watch that.

We're excited to watch that, but we're even more excited to find out what her choices are, James.

And of course, this episode was recorded remotely over the internet because we're still in lockdown.

This is the new world.

This series is going to be a big old mix of face-to-face ones, ones we recorded online.

Some of them were recorded in America.

Some of them are recorded over Zoom in our homes on the hottest day of the year.

See if you can tell which is which.

But despite all this, if she picks a secret ingredient, which we have decided on, we will be asking her to leave the restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is rice paper.

Rice paper.

Yes, sort of edible paper that you find in things.

I don't see the point of it.

I don't think they've actually made it taste enough different to real paper.

Yeah.

I don't like real paper.

I hated that kid in class who would always eat paper to show off.

I would have thought you'd be that kid.

Yep.

I would have thought you'd be the paper eater and the guy who chewed an ink cartridge and got a blue mouth.

I would have had you down as that.

Yes, and do you know what?

There, but for the grace of God, go I, because I think I probably would have done those things had I not seen a stupid kid do it first and realise how gross it was and ridiculous.

If no other kid had done it before me, I probably would have given that a go.

I tell you why, because you remind me a little bit of

a boy at my school who did all of those things.

And we might have talked about him before, but he used to eat ink, eat paper.

And have I told you about his story about the boy in the bubble?

No, no, you haven't.

We got given a title for it.

You know, when you get given a title for a story, and you have to go and write your version of it.

And the title was the boy in the bubble.

And everyone else did like two or three sides.

And his story was as follows.

One day there was a boy born in a bubble.

One day he landed on a pin in France.

The end.

That's a good story.

Yeah, it's a good story.

he might have been a genius but he did have a blue mouth so let's hear from the brilliant Diane

Diane Morgan welcome to the dream restaurant hello

welcome Diane Morgan to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time now it's it's

it's series four of this podcast.

In series one, I had to explain a lot that James was a genie.

But quite often, the guests come now prepared for the fact that James is a genie waiter.

But Diane looked absolutely baffled by that appearance.

Did you know James was going to be a genie waiter, Diane?

Nope.

Not ready for it?

What did you think I was before Ed said genie waiter after what I did?

What did you think had happened?

Nothing.

I didn't really think anything.

I don't know what this is.

I don't know what is going on but i'm coping so you're a genie waiter yes okay

i can get you any food from any time in your life anyway genie waiters do yeah oh brilliant big time i can get you any food you want you in the dream restaurant now oh my god this is better than i thought when james made that noise you didn't there was nothing popped up in your head you weren't worried about the noise that

noise yeah what do you think was happening i don't know i thought he had something stuck in his throat maybe.

Yeah.

It does sound more like a cat getting rid of a furball than it does a genie.

What is it meant to be, that noise?

Bursting out of the lamp, and there's like smoke and fireworks.

Oh, yeah.

And stuff like that.

Night, pop a bit of your sound effects on after, couldn't you?

Yeah, yeah, we could do, but we never did.

We never do, actually, though.

We're a very lazy producer who doesn't really like to do any of that stuff.

It's a really good point that we could do all of that, but

we never have, sadly.

But welcome welcome to the dream restaurant.

Do you eat out a lot?

No, not tons.

And when I do eat out, I sort of eat out at the same places.

I don't really branch out.

Top three places where you'd go?

Probably local places.

I eat at Chaubella on Lamb's Conduit Street.

Do you know it?

No?

What's Lamb's Conduit Street?

That's how it's looking.

Hilarious name.

It's in Bloomsbury.

It's a lovely street

in Bloomsbury.

And it's an Italian restaurant where you can sit outside on these long tables.

So it's a lovely.

It's like they recreate a holiday atmosphere.

Is it a cha is it a chain restaurant, Chiao Bella?

No, no, no.

I'm going to sit with Bella Pasta.

Independent.

So, yeah, Chao Bella.

Probably the Union in Soho.

Do you know the Union?

No.

I think I've been to the Union.

It's a club.

I've been there.

What kind of cuisine?

Sort of, you know, European stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, chips.

chips, you know,

European chips, yeah.

Where else?

Well, I love uh, I love curry,

and I used to love uh, I used to love Gaylord before it closed down.

That's the central, that's like Oxford Circus,

isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was lovely that place, but then that closed down.

But I love an Indian takeaway, or I will sit in.

What is your standard Indian takeaway order?

Standard.

It would be chicken buna,

coconut rice or pechwari naan.

Then if I'm going for a pechwari naan I'll have plain rice.

Because I don't want too much coconut.

I'm going to say it's an overload on if you have pechwari naan, coconut rice and then a bounty for pudding, it's just too much.

Do you like the bounty?

Yeah I do actually.

I like a lot of coconut.

Sagpanilla or sagaloo.

Yeah.

That's it.

Do you have like a half a coconut full of sagaloo and you eat it out of there?

No, I just have it on a plate.

Interesting.

And what would you drink with the curry?

Because just before we started recording, we commented that you're drinking a shandy.

I'm having a shandy, yeah.

I'd have it with lager.

I can't understand these people that have it with a glass of wine.

What?

Curry.

Curry with a glass of wine.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking about shandy there.

I thought you were like...

No, I thought you were like shandy I like with lager.

Some people do it with a glass of wine.

I can't understand those people either.

Yes.

It's my favourite lager in the world.

Now,

this is a new discovery for us, Diane, that James's new favourite lager in the world, regardless of whether he's eating a curry or not, is a cobra, which I think is pathetic.

Mine too!

Oh no!

Yes!

Yes!

You let the word pathetic slip out of your mouth pretty prematurely.

Well I think our guest is pathetic.

I'm not a drinker.

I wouldn't describe myself as a drinker.

I'm drinking

a shandy at four in the afternoon.

It's summer.

It's lots of very very hot today.

But

I don't drink, but I love a cobra.

Love a cobra is the best.

Yes.

I have got hooked on cobras all over again.

I love them.

The other day,

I guess I'd had too many cobras too many days in a row, and I had to take a break and I had an Asahi instead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the other one?

Kingfisher.

When they offer me Kingfisher, I'm like, no, Kingfisher's not the same.

It's got to be Cobra.

I like

a Sing Tai, is it?

I haven't had that.

Is that one?

Don't know.

Sing Tao Tai.

Is it Sing Tao?

Yeah.

Sing Tao.

I like Sing Tao.

I like Cobas.

I like Sapporo.

I like...

You're really taking a big old journey all over Asia here, James.

Yeah,

that's what's what I'm doing.

That's what the pandemic has bought out in me.

I'm going to travel all over Asia and drink all the beers.

I think drinking a cobra when you're not having a curry is madness.

Yeah.

Why?

Because it's specifically engineered to have less gas so you can fit more curry in your stomach.

That's all it is.

It's just a glutton's lager.

It's not, though, it tastes different.

Yes.

I think it's well on its way to being a shandy.

A cobra, isn't it?

It's slivering over there, isn't it?

It's a hop and a step, I think, to a shandy.

It's not got that

bitterness.

No, it's just refreshing.

And Ed's like, oh, it's meant to make more room in your stomach for curry.

It makes more room in my stomach for more cobra, Ed.

Yeah.

That's what it does.

It's part of it.

A little basket of snakes, my stomach.

So you like drinking it because it's called cobra and it makes you feel like a cool person?

Because it's like a dangerous snake.

Is that question to me?

To both of you no pathetic cobra people their name's got nothing to do with it it doesn't

shipbox sunday and still drink it

yeah would you try it if it was called shipbox sunday yeah would you and they said oh we've got a couple of beers on tonight

we've got kingfisher and we've got shipbox sunday would would you have ever tried it of course you're going to go for shipbox sunday i would have ordered a shipbox

How far would it have to go really badly?

This will give you COVID.

Yeah, if it was like called something that, i don't know that sounded like i'd get a disease we've done something really bad in this bottle if it was a specific insult to like any of my family members i'd be oh that's good yeah very like a i'm not i'm not contributing to this company and b how did you know i was coming today yeah your aunties are more of yeah lager

yeah

as you get that picture of her for the label that's really upsetting yeah if they use like your family members as the labels photos photos of people in your family yeah i think that that would be the only thing that would put me off because I like bad boy lager names.

Bad boy lager names.

Bad boy lager names.

You could call it like Devil's Blood or something and I'd be like,

pour me one of those.

Pour me a Devil's Blood.

He would also listen to a band called Devil's Blood.

He would probably make friends with someone who changed their name to Devil's Blood.

You'd hang out with that person, especially if they bought a top hat.

Yes, I would.

I'd make friends with someone called David Blood.

Because it sort of looks a bit like Devil's Blood if you squint.

If you met David Blood?

David Blood, yeah.

In your head, what's...

Actually, I'll ask this to Diane.

When you imagine David Blood,

what kind of a person do you think he is?

Immediately, a sort of Dracula type comes to mind.

Black hair, cape.

Yeah.

What's his job?

Computer analyst.

Yeah, I thought that.

Yeah.

I think he'd be like a sort of very buttoned-down nerd kind of guy, David Blood.

I don't imagine him as a vampire because that would be a very bad cover for being a vampire if he was trying to keep it secret and he called himself David Blood.

Yeah.

How do you feel about the drink Bloody Mary's then?

Love a Bloody Mary.

Very few people can get it right though, can they?

Absolutely.

My last tour, we tried everywhere we went to find the best Bloody Mary, and when they get it wrong, oh, they really get it wrong.

It's awful.

Disgusting.

It is awful.

I had a really bad one on Singapore Airlines.

Go on.

Break it down.

A Brit Vic tomato.

You know, there's little bottles of Brit Vic tomato in a glass.

No, nothing else apart from, you know, what else they put in it?

Vodka?

Vodka.

That's it.

Didn't put anything else in.

It was disgusting.

That's not a Bloody Mary.

That's just blood.

The Eagle.

The Eagle Pub in Islington does a good Bloody Mary.

Shout out.

It's got loads of bits in it.

Ah, yeah.

What are the bits?

Yeah, the bits.

What do they put in it?

Pepper?

Soy sauce?

Is that what they put in?

Pepper.

What do they put?

Absolutely.

What's that?

Worcester sauce.

Worcester sauce, not soy sauce.

Worcestershire.

Worcestershire sauce.

Garlic?

No.

No, not garlic.

Celery.

Celery.

Celery.

But you could put garlic in it.

I tried making one during lockdown.

It was a nightmare.

I used too much vodka and then I bought like a bottle of spice mix and then used far too much of that as well.

And it was just

it was like drinking a curry.

It was really bad.

It's not easy.

You've got to get that f it's a fine balance.

It's a fine line, isn't it?

And do you do you edit this?

Not this bit.

No, no, no.

especially not the bit where you said do you edit this this is what people sign up for if anything

i think this might even be the third or fourth time we've had this conversation on the podcast it's definitely going in it makes it in every single time people like to hear the bloody mary chat what we like in a bloody mary yeah and i know some people at home screaming at their computers or whatever they're listening to this on being like james mentioned that you like brine in it why aren't you mentioning that you like the olive brine and they know i like olive brine in my bloody mary and i do i'm still the same don't worry Don't you worry about the editing, Diane.

Every time you feel like it's going down a boring path, please bear in mind that's what our listeners enjoy.

They do, don't they?

That's what people want in a podcast.

I don't listen to any podcasts.

Do you like?

Do you listen to podcast?

Are you a podcast listener?

No way.

I don't get it at all.

I'm just not.

People keep telling me to listen to this one about a murder.

Yeah.

There was a murder.

And I listen.

I'm just so bored.

So bored.

I'll get about three episodes in.

I'm like, I don't care who's dead, who's alive.

Still on sparkling water, Diane?

Still, every time.

How long has that been a rule for?

For as long as I can remember.

I mean, you know, when I first tried sparkling water, I remember it thinking, it tastes a bit sort of weird, doesn't it?

The gas, you can taste the gas and it makes you burp.

So if you're doing a lot of voiceovers like me, you do not want.

sparkling water.

What if Cobra released their own sparkling water with reduced gas to make sure that you didn't burp and still had room for your curry?

I'm intrigued.

Well, as Ed said earlier, the beautiful thing about Cobra, the lager, is that it has reduced gas in it to make more room for your curry in your tummy.

Even less gas, you mean?

What if it had even less gas?

They could put more gas in.

I'd still love that stuff.

But what if they release their own sparkling water with reduced gas, say 50% gas?

It's not about the gas, Ed.

It's not about the gas.

Well, as you did say it was about the gas.

It's about the taste.

Right.

Well, the lager, obviously, If you're offering me waters then, yeah, it is about the gas.

I don't want gas.

Gas should not be in water.

Well, I don't know where it should be.

Pipes?

In the air, I guess.

Yeah.

A river snake smells snakes.

Is there a snake called a river snake?

River snake.

Just trying to think of a.

It sounds like it should be a river snake.

A cobbled in a water, what you could call it.

What kind of snakes might

you have?

Water snake.

Sea worm, yeah.

Sea worm, yeah.

I've got prawns.

I hate prawns.

Dirty seaworms.

Dirty little sea worms.

Dirty little sea worms, treading water outside outlet pipes.

Bottom feeders, I call them.

Yeah?

What situations have you been in where you've called them that?

First time, probably Grease.

Yeah, it was in Greece.

Fresh prawns, and they were very fresh.

They were moving on the plate.

And I said, uh, dirty sea worms.

Never having them.

When you say sea worms, are you talking about, as in the ocean worms, or are you saying sea worms like you want to call them something even worse?

The letter C.

Oh, C.

You know C as in the ocean worms.

Yeah, yeah.

Dirty sea worms.

Oh, not dirty worms.

No.

Sounded like that's...

Because worms sounds like words as well.

Oh, yeah.

Sounded a little bit like you're saying sea worms.

Yeah, yeah.

Like you really do.

No, I can see where the confusion happened.

Why were these prawns live on the plate?

The waiter was really sort of like proud of his prawns and he said we've got the freshest prawns.

And I didn't like prawns anyway.

I never tried any, but I just didn't like the look of them.

And then they brought them over and they were moving about.

Oh, so this is before anyone had ordered them.

This was before they'd cooked them.

They were like, Here's what they're gonna.

No, no, no, they'd been ordered not by me, but someone else in our group.

But they then took them away and cooked them, right?

They didn't just come away and cook them, and they brought them back, and they were moving.

Still moving.

Oh, no, hang on.

When they brought them back, I don't believe.

I don't believe that.

Going like this.

Sorry, Diane.

So they cooked them.

These are zombie prawns.

they were still moving i think when they cook them they die yeah these were still alive i don't know what they've done to them maybe they'd maybe they'd parboiled them not long enough or something so the waiter was very proud of the prawns and then within earshot when he was in earshot did you call them dirty sea worms i probably did it under my breath that's good because you don't want to break that guy's heart no true well you might not immediately know and you go away and just go and google translate and see what dirty sea worms means in greek

calamari You don't like calamari?

It's just like rubber, rubber wheels, little rubber elastic bands.

Yeah.

That taste of the sea.

Do you not like seafood in general?

Is this like I don't like any sea?

I like fish, but anything weird.

No.

So you like the headliner of the sea?

What's the headliner?

Fish.

Oh, right, yeah.

Fish is the big daddy.

I like fish, yeah.

Fish is the original sea creature.

Just nothing, nothing sort of rubbery and weird.

So prawns are dirty seaworms.

Calamari are rubber wheels.

Do you have a nickname for octopus?

No, I don't.

Do you want to workshop one now?

You could do, yeah, alright.

The next time you're there, someone says, Do you want some octopus?

How would you describe the taste of octopus?

I've never tasted it.

Not even tasted it?

Because a boy at my drama school, he brought some in for his lunch in a jar.

Have you seen that?

You can get like a jar of mini octopus octopi.

And they were like j jam-packed into this jar, and their little little faces were against the glass like that.

And he had a fork and he was like eating them.

It's really going for it.

That's disgusting, isn't it?

Who was this boy?

Awful.

Does he get any work now?

Don't know.

Lost touch with him.

Yeah, I should imagine so.

Pop and absorb bread!

Do what?

Pop and absorb bread, Diane.

Oh, Poppadums or bread.

I thought you said problems or bread.

Uh, poppadums.

Yeah.

I know you're a curry fan, yeah.

i knew we were heading there yeah i like bread though bread's been historically the most popular choice so we're always excited when someone picks pop a dumbs diet yeah are you going with all the sauces what do you mean all the sauces oh sauces what what did you think sauces

like where they come from get them from yeah yeah yeah all the sauces lime pickle

every curry house i love lime pickle yeah love it this is the kind of chat i like did you always like it yeah straight off love this Really?

Yeah.

Now, actually, I'm going to say now, this is surprising, and I'm a bit confused because what we talked about so far is you looking at sea creatures and being like, ugh, no,

no, wait,

disgusting.

And then lime pickle, immediately on board with your whole life.

Limes don't have eyeballs for a kickoff.

There is nothing weird in a lime.

You're safe.

You're safe having a lime, aren't you?

It's just limes.

What else is in there?

Chili or something?

Oil?

I thought you meant what else is in a lime.

It's just lime.

Yeah, that's all I'm doing.

Yeah, no, in a lime pickle jar.

What's in it?

Oil, limes, chili, what else?

Don't know.

The first time you tasted it, was it not confusing?

No, it was lovely.

And I thought, there's nothing to fear, is there, with lime pickle?

No.

What's your main fear of octopus, though?

That I'll eat like tiny organs.

I see, yeah, actually, that's that's a big thing.

No, it gets stuck between my teeth.

Yeah, or that you eat a tentacle and all the suckers get stuck on your throat while you're trying to swallow it.

Oh, man.

Suckers.

Suckers.

God.

Mango chutney I like.

It's always going to be Pataks though, hasn't it?

If you're getting it from the supermarket.

Pataks seem to have

a monopoly or a sort of iron grip over the supermarket chutneys, yeah.

Because they're the best.

Do you think they're the best?

I've never heard of them.

They tried to improve on the lime pickle recipe a while back, but so many people complained that they went back to the original lime pickle recipe.

Did you say you're not going to edit this?

I've never had Pataks.

I've never even even heard of Pataks.

Oh, my God.

You've definitely had Pataks, man.

You're just not reading the chutes.

Yeah, come on.

You've had Pataks.

Well, you must have had Pattax.

I don't think so.

My mum made her own chutneys when we were growing up.

Oh.

We had homemade chutney.

But what's your mum's name, remember?

Diane.

Diane Pattack.

Oh, really?

So think it through.

Yes, Diane Pattacks.

Yes.

That makes sense.

That's why we're so rich.

What chutneys did your mum used to make?

Plum.

Plum chutneys.

As far as I I can remember.

Apple.

Remember she listens to this and if you forget what chutneys she makes, it'll be very up to you.

Tomato.

Oh boy.

Come on, come on.

Apple plum.

Tomato.

Jesus.

Pear,

I want to say.

A meat one.

Are there meat ones?

Meat chutney.

I don't think so.

Is there a meat chutney?

I doubt it.

I think that might be all.

I mean, maybe that was all the apricots?

No?

Oh, I'm just remembering.

I think that's a jam, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think you're thinking of jams now.

Preserves, aren't they?

Yeah.

Preserve family.

But are preserves just jam and chutney?

Or does it go outside of that gang?

I don't know.

I do.

Preserve gang.

Does lemon curd make it in?

It's interesting, though.

Preserves.

Jam and chutney I know are in that gang.

I'm wondering if lemon curd makes it in the gang.

Isn't that just a spread?

Is it a spread or a preserve?

And I would quite like some lemon curd now I've remembered it exists.

Lemon curds on a very exclusive list of things that when you think about them, you really want them, but you would never put them on a shopping list because they feel like they're from the past.

Lemon curd, cream soda, is another one of those.

It's the sort of things you get in a hamper, isn't it?

Yes.

Or the sort of thing the Famous Five would have taken for a picnic.

Also, I love lemon curd itself, but I never really know what to spread it on.

I don't think it tastes that nice on bread or toast or crumpets or a breakfast muffin.

I just don't know what I would actually want to speak.

I think about it, be like, oh, that would be great, some lemon curd, but actually, I think toast is out in front there.

Would you have lemon curd if there was no mango chutney in the cupboard?

Would you use lemon curd?

On your poppa dum?

On your pop-a-dom, Diane.

I wouldn't give it house room.

Lemon curd.

Wouldn't give it house room?

No.

Picture this, Diane.

You're in a curry house and you've ordered your poppa dumbs and then they bring the dips out and they say, we couldn't find the dips that you wanted, but what we have got is,

and we've just we've we've plated them all up for you here, but lemon curd, marmalade, um,

march dressing, and toothpaste.

Oh, Jesus.

What's your first one?

What's the first one?

First of all, I hate it when lime pickle doesn't come out.

Yeah.

When they bring out that one that looks like grass clippings.

What's that one?

Looks like mint sauce.

Bring out lime pickle.

We've been over this.

Folks want to know what you're eating.

I'm sorry for people.

Out of the lemon curd.

Lemalade.

Out of those dips that we listed.

Which one would you have with a popular?

Lemon curd.

Lemon curd, marmalade, ranch dressing and toothpaste.

It was marmalade.

I'd have to go marmalade.

Because it got bits in it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd go marmalade.

I wouldn't be happy, though.

You a shredhead and not a shredless wonder?

Oh, what is this now?

When it comes to marmalade.

Are you a shredhead?

A shredhead.

Are you a shredhead or a shredless wonder?

Oh, a shredhead.

Oh, dear me.

Do you remember that?

They did that appetising campaign?

No.

For a while with this brand of marmalade, and it was if you were a shredhead or a shredless wonder?

No, I don't remember.

Well, they came up with shred.

You know, Marblade with the bits in, marblade without the bits in, and you were either a shredhead or a shredless wonder.

This is awful.

Take your hand.

How often do you do this?

Well, it goes out once a week, but you know.

Once a week.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score.

and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your starter, Diane.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

So, first thing.

I don't believe in starters.

Oh, no.

I never,

I never, never have a starter.

What is the point in starters?

Just give me my main meal.

I'll give you a starter.

Well, how about a bonus mini main before the main main?

No, no.

No, point list.

It's just more ways of getting money out of you, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a swizz.

It's a swizz.

You can't.

Do you want a smaller meal before the meal you actually want?

No.

You're the one who's just eating marmalade on a poppadum.

Yeah.

To be fair, that was weird.

You forced me into it, though.

I didn't actually want it.

You said you were a shredheaded, you ate the whole poppadum before the barblade on it.

So anyway, no starter for me.

Thank you.

No, it's a pass.

It's another pass.

You made another.

Greg Davis did this.

He did.

Also, here's what might interest you, because I'm getting the heebie jeebies now.

You might be able to see I've got goosebumps and my hairs are standing on end.

Greg Davis chose poppadums.

Greg Davis said that his favourite...

thing to have pop-doms with was lime pickle and that he loves lime pickle to the extent that he complained that his local curry house has stopped doing lime pickle and they put it back on the menu and called it greg's pickle afterwards afterwards, after the podcast had gone out.

And he also said pass on the starter.

Yes.

He's the only person to have done that.

You are the second person to have done it.

Yes.

And you like the lime pickle, but this is very exciting.

That's amazing.

I think you really get on.

What do you do, though, on a night if you're eating out with people and everyone else orders a starter?

What do you do?

Don't have a starter.

So you just sit there while everyone else eats their starter?

Yep.

Oh.

Yeah.

How do you like that?

I try and persuade them not to have a starter.

Oh, you're the worst.

Diane doesn't have have to worry about passing the starter and everyone else having their starter should be chatting to greg davis they're both not having starters together probably splitting a jar of lime pickle together but surely that has there ever been a starter on a menu that you've thought oh actually yeah i have i have actually sometimes uh the starters are nicer than the mains aren't they so i like two starters instead of the main what is this it absolutely flipped her around no i thought i'd flipped her around and then she came back and said she'd have two starters instead of a main you do your own kind of like impromptu tapas you took You change the restaurant.

Yeah, I won't be sort of, you know, pushed into having a starter.

Am I right in thinking we are just passing the starter and going straight to the main course?

Yes.

You're always so disappointing.

Don't you think it's the way that life's going now, isn't it?

Everyone's getting so greedy for stuff.

No, it's not funny, Ed.

It's not, it's the way that life is going.

Yeah.

I mean, this is like after World War II.

Yes.

You know, after all that rationing, people were grateful for anything.

Yeah.

Now people just want more of everything.

Yeah.

So is that why you're trying to put rationing into your dream meal?

No, I don't need to.

I just, it's just feels natural to me, not to have a starter.

Because we can set this meal at any time in history.

Do you want to have it directly after World War II?

Well, this is the thing because, like, we'd have to get on to my main.

Tell us what this main is.

Well, the main is curry.

I love curry.

It'd be curry.

So I don't know how good they were doing curries in this country after the Second World War, whether you could get a really good curry back then.

Well, because we've got the genie waiter, we can put the meal just after the Second World War, but he can then travel to now and get the curry and bring it back in time, and it won't affect the flavour of the curry or anything.

Oh, great, fantastic.

Yeah.

Headed to Gaylord.

Yes, could go to Gaylord, yeah, or we could go to Kerala in India.

You been there?

Yes.

Yeah, I have.

Tell us about it.

When, why, when and why?

Southern India.

It's the very tip of India.

I went there because I was doing a, it was years ago, it was decades ago, I was doing an advert for a chain of hotels in India.

It was the jammiest job.

All I had to do was sort of walk down a staircase into a hotel.

That was my day done.

I could just go off it and I'd just lie on the beach or whatever.

Wow.

Yeah, it was great.

Was it in a certain way?

Yeah, one other girl was in it.

Did she have to go up the other?

The food was incredible.

Like the fruit in India actually tastes of things rather than just water.

Sure.

It tasted like, I was going to say opal fruits then.

What are they called now?

Starbucks.

Starburst.

Good touchstone, though, for a fruit flavour.

It's weird, isn't it, opal fruits?

Like, you know, at the meeting, said thinking up sweet names.

Was it even like what should we call them?

Opal fruits.

What?

You know, there's one person came up with opals and one person just wanted to call them fruits.

Why opals though?

Oh, because of the colours.

Because of the colours,

beautiful opals.

There was one person at a table who said Starburst, and everyone shouted them down, and they were like, okay.

And then they thought in their head, one day you'll all be dead.

Yeah.

What's the other one?

Dead I'll have my marathon Snickers.

Snickers is weird.

Coco Pops, Choco Krispies.

Choco Krispies.

Alright.

It changed briefly, Coco Pops to Choco Krispies and everyone absolutely kicked off and then Kellogg's just went back on it and just went okay fine.

Cocoa Pops again.

Also for a while there was those...

This is like a weird dream.

Banana.

Do you remember those banana ones?

No.

Banana rubber throats.

No, rice krispies that were kind of banana flavour.

They turned the milk and the milk, but banana, like into banana milk.

Banana milk shape.

That sounds horrible.

Yeah.

It was.

It didn't last very long.

They came out.

I got so, I was a little kid.

I got more excited than I've ever got about eating a cereal.

Seeing the adverts, we went and got it.

I loved it.

It easily became my favorite cereal.

And then as soon as they came, they were gone again because no one else liked them except for me.

But I love them.

I love bananas.

I love banana milkshakes and I love rice krispies.

Will you have a bruised one?

Yeah, like how,

like,

bruised will you go and go, I'll still eat it.

I won't go blackened.

I'll go a light brown or a grey.

Grey?

Yeah, well, you know.

When have you seen a grey bruiser?

A grey bruising.

All right, all right.

Yeah.

You wouldn't go, yeah.

I've never seen a fully grey banana.

No.

But a little, you know, sometimes I got that little like light grey kind of bruising.

It's going to be black later on, you know.

Yeah, you go with one of those.

Yeah.

I'll go for like very surface level bruising, but nothing that's gone into the flesh.

And I know that's like...

You go for like just like physical bruises.

You wouldn't eat an emotionally damaged banana.

No, no, not a properly emotionally damaged banana mushy though they're horrible aren't they i had a i had a mushy one last night and i put it on the no but i put it in some foil put a bit of rum rum sugar uh uh and a bit of butter in it and then put it on the barbecue oh can have lilt with that no it was tropical enough already What happened to it?

It goes softer and like really, really sweet and sort of stews it a little bit, but bananas on the barbecue.

That's my hot tip.

Right.

He knows what he's doing.

Yeah.

Ed got a barbecue because it was dressed like his girlfriend I bought a barbecue Diane and it's it's red

and it and James has decided that the barbecue looks like my fiancé you told me

you got it because so that you told me that she had oh no that was it she got a bicycle she got a bicycle to match an outfit to it is what was my suspicion and then I bought a red barbecue and you said I bought a barbecue to match to my fiancé's outfit yes that is true that's what he did That's not true.

I don't know why.

He got it and he kisses it.

I did kiss it.

I did kiss the barbecue because it's so nice.

He does love it.

He loves it so much.

He's always using it.

Every time he texts me, he's using the barbecue these days.

Even when it was raining once, he said the barbecue out on the patio cooking something while he was sheltered inside and looking out the window at the barbecue because it's so it's got this like dome on it.

It can give this big cover in it.

It can just carry on.

He's always cooking something on the barbecue.

You'll get over that.

Do you think we're having

not sure.

No, it'll take a few years.

Yeah, but you don't have too much charred stuff.

It's bad for you, you know.

Is it?

Yeah.

Oh, it's really bad for you.

Oh, boy.

I'm not charring stuff, though.

Have you got a slow cooker?

Used to, but we didn't use it enough.

Oh, they're amazing.

One of my best purchases, the slow cooker.

Yeah?

Yeah, after the Robot Hoover.

Ever get them mixed up?

Nope.

Guess what?

I've been charring, Diane.

You have three guesses.

Charring.

Charring.

During lockdown, I've really got into charring something in particular.

Apples.

Charred apples.

No.

Wrong.

Charred.

Is it a meat?

Charred?

Not chicken.

It's not a meat.

It's not a meat.

Charred.

I've got one more guess.

One more guess.

Charred peaches.

Wrong.

Oh, good guess.

What is it?

Can I have a guess?

Yeah.

Onion.

No.

Oh.

What is it?

Leeks.

Oh, leeks.

Nice.

I've been charming the leeks and they're creamy.

Oh!

Divine.

How do you do it out there?

Do you just literally chop them up into like nice bite-sized pieces, put them on the grill in the oven, get them nice and black, flip them over.

It's the easiest thing in the world.

Oh, also, actually, it's like you should also put

white wine vinegar on them and stuff like that.

That makes them real, real creamy.

Cream delicious.

Yeah.

You've done really well.

You've really got into cooking during lockdown.

I'm really impressed with you, mate.

Thank you, Ed.

I've got a bunch of stuff that I'm...

I've got a few go-to meals during lockdown.

Have you had some go-to meals, Diane, that you've like consistently

become a lockdown, a regular lockdown dish?

No, well, I haven't been cooking much.

The boyfriend's been cooking.

He's a really good cook.

And he's been doing all kinds of stuff.

Is he a chump?

Chump.

Is he a big old chump?

You've convinced him to cook all your meals for you?

Is this guy a chump?

No, no, it's just nice.

What is his best dish?

What's the one that you always hope?

I hope he cooks that again.

He's going to be really sad if he hears this.

He'll be so sad if he hears this.

Probably one with like

ricotta cheese,

roast tomatoes, and spelt pasta with garlic and lemon.

Sounds very simple.

It's absolutely delicious.

It sounds good though.

That sounds amazing.

I'm trying to be more vegetarian.

How's it going?

It's going quite well.

I don't miss red meat at all.

So I'll have a bit of chicken occasionally and a bit of fish, but that's it.

I think I'd miss red meat if I.

You're not supposed to have it at all, really, are you?

Health-wise.

Doesn't feel right.

The less I have it, the more I think it feels a bit wrong now.

Sure.

It's like when I stopped drinking cow's milk.

I stopped drinking cow's milk'cause I had acne.

Oh.

I had a face like it was covered.

Yeah.

And someone said to me, Stop drinking cow's milk.

And I was like, bollocks.

And I carried on for a few years.

And then someone else said it to me.

And then I thought, I'll give it a go.

Within three days, my face had completely cleared up.

Wow.

What?

Yeah.

I thought you were allergic.

No, I think the human body is not meant, it's not made to digest cow's milk.

It's just not.

That's why we're not even like cats.

and can't digest it.

So now I have like oat milk.

Oat milk, I bloody love oat milk.

if you give a cat cow's milk does it get spotty don't know because it's because of the fur maybe under the fur

just covered in spots underneath the fur poor old cats I'm an oat milker these days yeah oat milk's lovely I pour it in the velvetizer the what yeah good question James has bought something called a velvetizer carry on velvetizer yep guess what I'm making the velvetizer smoothie hot chocolate talk us through it James is this a real thing or is it have you giving it a little velvetiser?

It's a real thing.

Can I go on as a nerve and look at the velvetizer and not come up?

Look at a velvetiser, and that would come up.

Yeah, it would come up.

I pour in the milk up to the line, and then I put in the sachet of whatever chocolate it is.

It's not a chocolate powder, it's like proper, like proper chocolate, all broken up.

And then I

press the old button, and it makes it velvety smooth.

How many hot chocolates are you having a week, James?

Now you've got the velvetizer?

When I first got it, seven.

And how many weeks was that?

Oh my god.

Oh, probably first two weeks I'll have a one a night.

Can't wait to get through all the different flavours in the box.

It's a hundred pounds.

Well, it was a gift, so

that person's been absolutely rumbled.

Oh, chocolate velvetizer.

This one's copper, though.

Is yours copper?

No, it's not copper.

Bloody good, though.

Is yours white or charcoal?

It's not white.

It's probably charcoal.

I can get it.

Yeah, you got the charcoal.

Do you want to see it?

Yeah.

I believe you.

Go the dreamer.

Go get it, James.

Take your bite.

I'll have to look at some of the reviews.

It's got loads of characters.

Oh, yeah, that's charcoal.

That's charcoal.

That's charcoal.

Yeah, that's charcoal, isn't it?

Side dish, Diane.

Well, if it you see, if it's an Indian, then I'll have like a sagaloo.

Uh-huh.

Or sagpanier.

But if it's not, if it's not an Indian meal, I will never have a side dish because it falls into my starter thing.

Yeah.

I thought I was expecting this.

Extraneous.

Do you know what it is?

100%.

It's just another way of getting money out of you.

It's like when they say, your table's not ready yet.

Come and sit at the bar and have a drink.

No.

Getting more money out of you.

The getting money out of your thing.

I'm going to say that I don't agree with that because I would say that, like, whenever you book a flight and whatever, and then they charge charge you, and it seems cheap, and then they go, oh, actually, it's this much to bring luggage on, and this much for your seat, and all, and it's like actually a trick, and that's that's getting more money out of you and being sneaky.

Yeah, with this, I think they are very much just going,

it's loads of different food that we do, they all cost money, and you can have it or not.

I don't think it's a sneaky way of getting a lot of people.

What about small plates?

That's another thing I hate.

Lovely, small plates.

Lovely thing you get lots of different tastes.

And they say to you, We recommend you choose 38 plates per person

surely that's too much yeah no no you'll need 38 plates each and then they bring it and it's too much 38 is definitely too much yeah so you've ordered within your curry main are you saying there's rice and stuff with that anyway

uh a rice and a side Are we counting that as your side dish then?

Or is

it part of the curry dish?

No, the rice is part of the curry, surely, isn't it?

Yeah, but not in a restaurant.

In a curry restaurant, you'd order the curry and then you'd have to order the rice as a side.

All right, well, I'll have the rice as my side then.

You see,

I would say that is a way of getting more money out of you.

The whole rice thing.

Yeah, it is.

It should be part of the meal, shouldn't it?

Yeah, it should be.

But if you hadn't ordered, just let's just get this straight.

If you hadn't ordered curry as your main in the dream restaurant, you would have passed on the side dish as well as the starter.

Yes.

It's not funny.

It is funny.

It's not.

This is the way life should be.

No starter, no side dish.

Just have a meal and farm have

but a meal should be an event diane it should be a wonderful way of lots of getting lots of different tastes well it can be an event without you know having millions of plates is is it the amount of plates that worries you or the amount of food it's the amount of food the waste do you get full very easily are you yes i do i've got a i've got a stomach like a walnut yeah

I have, I like, I need, I need little and often.

Right.

If I don't eat every four hours, I get faint and like I'm gonna pass out.

If you eat one raisin, then you're fine.

Eat raisin.

I'm like, oh, I'm fine now.

Yeah.

So I think we're getting to the bottom of this.

Maybe that's something to do with it, yeah.

Yeah, I think if you don't like starters, you don't like sides because you get full very easily.

Yeah, if I have a starter, I'm full.

Yeah, I want to go home.

But that doesn't mean people who don't get full easily are bad people, Diane, you know?

Well, they're going to, I'm not going to stop them, you know.

But they will have to cope with me sitting opposite them, not eating.

Would you like your main course brought to you

in tiny bowls over separate four-hour periods?

I'd like it brought to me by little chimps in dinner jackets.

Right, okay, well that's obviously.

I've always thought they should have a restaurant like that where the waiters are little monkeys in suits and they bring you your meals.

You would like that?

That'd be lovely, wouldn't it?

It would be chaos, I think.

I mean, woe eats.

It would be chaos.

You know, you just give your order to the monkey in a little nod and he takes it to the kitchen, gets a treat.

Yeah.

the monkey gets a treat.

Yeah.

Who's cooking it?

Is a monkey cooking it as well?

No, I don't think the monkey should cook it, they're just waiters.

Right, okay, yeah, you don't want a monkey cooking it.

Because, I mean, you probably tell a monkey chef that you didn't want to start it or a side, and then he gets offended, he'd come out and rip your face off.

Exactly, yeah.

Also, here's a question about your main course.

Sorry to go back.

Do you want all the different elements arranged in a demi-clock?

A demi-clock?

Yes.

If I've just got like a curry and rice, am I going to do a demi-clock?

With all the

separate grains of rice?

I don't know how many things we're getting for this curry.

I thought you were having like sagaloo.

Oh, yeah, there's a sagaloo.

Yeah, alright, I'll have a demi-clock.

Yeah, perfect.

Was it sagaloo rather than sagpaneer as your side, and you're having rice included with the main curry?

I'd either go paneer or a loo, depending on how I felt.

The demi-clock, though.

Whatever.

You can put them however you like on the table.

I'll move them anyway.

And safpane.

Well, what kind of pattern are you going to move them into?

I'll just close to me.

I'll just bring them in.

How close is your main plate, and then how close are the other plates to that plate?

How are you positioning that?

So it's like

in front of me, closest.

Yeah, straight in front of me.

The side dish is sort of just to my right, just within hand's reach,

sort of like one o'clock to the dinner plate.

And then the drink is 11 o'clock to the left of my dinner plate.

Probably Mickey Mouse affair.

Yeah, yeah.

What is this drink going to be?

Well, if it's indie, it's got to be a cobra, isn't it?

Woo-hoo-hoo, yes, it is!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes, cobra beer.

The best.

Oh, I'm loving it.

A big bottle.

I love cobra so much.

Me too.

A big bottle or draft?

Depends who else is there.

If it's a big bottle, I'll probably share it.

So I'm not a huge drinker.

What about a cobra shandy?

Yeah, I'd have a cobra shandy.

I bet that's delicious.

Or even ice cobra.

You know, I can ice lolly cobra.

Does that exist?

No, but it should do, shouldn't it?

Yeah, I'd love it.

Right, that's your drink then, a cobra frozen into an ice lolly.

Yeah.

Would you like that?

Actually, no, I wouldn't like that because it'll hurt my teeth.

I've got very sensitive teeth.

Because of all the oat milk you drink?

Don't know what it is.

I think I've just got very porous teeth.

Porous.

So you think your teeth soak in everything that you drink?

Your teeth have got pores, they've got holes in them.

Did you know that?

I didn't know that.

I used to be a dental nurse.

Did she?

Yeah.

So when you eat and drink stuff, your teeth suck it all up.

Yeah, that's why if you have loads of red wine, you get sort of pink teeth because the tiny holes in your teeth sucked in.

The less enamel you've got on your teeth, the more your teeth will change colour.

Wow.

How long were you in the dental biz for?

About two or three years.

Can you remember the name of the person who had the worst teeth?

No, I can't, but I know we sent him to hospital.

Yeah.

Because he was frightened of going to the dentist, so he did his own teeth with a soldering iron and copper sulphate, and it had gone green with verdigre.

Is it called verdigre?

Verdigris.

You know what it goes, a sort of greeny-blue colour?

Copper.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, we couldn't do anything.

We had to just send him to hospital.

How old was he?

Did he come in for half-hour?

How old?

Yeah.

I don't know, probably early 50s, I imagine.

Did he come in for a regular checkup or was it in the most popular?

No,

he never goes to the dentist.

He hated going to the dentist.

This is why he'd done it himself.

Yeah.

And he was desperate now, so he came to the dentist, but we couldn't help him.

It was too late.

I mean, he didn't die.

We just sent him to hospital.

There was a lot of men that came in that would cry.

Did you love it?

No, I didn't love it.

I hated it.

Was that your last job before you got into comedy?

No, I did that before I went to drama school.

Before you met Octopus?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

So you'd already seen the man with the copper teeth.

Yeah, I'll tell you what, it's been a roller coaster, my life.

No wonder you don't want to eat too much.

Every time you try and eat you just you've got all these horrible memories to draw on make you feel sick yeah old green teeth an octopus jar yeah so you're having a cobra for your drink i'm having a cobra i think because it's an indian yeah if it wasn't an indian i probably wouldn't have a cobra i'd probably have like i say i'm not a drinker so yeah my go-to drinks and either sherry a snowball which is advocate and lemonade yeah or peach snaps and lemonades.

What about your non-alcoholic drinks?

What do you...

Tea.

Cup of tea.

I'll have a cup of tea.

I like a coffee.

I'll have a coffee.

It's really interesting what you were talking about, the Second World War and all of that

connected to food.

Because when you talk about food, Diane, you've really got a vibe of maybe someone in their 80s or 90s, I'd say.

Yeah, I know that.

Yeah, I've got a touch of the old man about me.

I don't want to eat too much.

I like a snowball, a sherry.

It's all,

that's the tastes.

No, I know this, yeah.

I like, when I was at drama school, I I had a cheese sandwich every day for three years.

And

it was just butter, cheese, bread.

Yeah.

And a cup of tea.

That was it.

I loved it.

You loved it?

I loved it.

I didn't get sick of it.

What kind of bread was it?

White bread?

It was actually a baguette.

Like a roll, you know, a long baguette cut in half.

Cheddar, loads of butter, salted butter, obviously.

Delicious.

Cup of tea.

We can't get better than that.

Do you used to look forward to that, or were you bored of it?

Yeah, I did.

Lunch curve.

Every day for three years.

My cheese baguette.

Did other people notice?

I just put it out.

Yeah, I didn't notice until someone else, it was one of the women who worked in the canteen.

Yeah.

She'd say, cheese baguette again, Diane?

And I'd say yes, please.

And she said, you love a cheese baguette, don't you?

I said, no, I don't.

Not having anything different?

No.

Why would I have something different?

I know I like cheese baguettes.

I'm not going to.

I've been waiting all morning for my lunch.

I'm not going to risk having, like,

something that's possibly going to be disgusting.

Do you think they hired

staff at the drama school who specifically were like characters that the students could do an impression of and make a look at?

Yeah, they were lovely.

Like, I hate a sandwich that's got lots of stuff in it, you know, like...

Yeah.

Peri-peri sauce and all that shit.

Just give me a peanut corned beef sandwich or a bit of cheese.

I've never met that someone who doesn't like peri-peri.

Just unnecessary.

Yeah.

So you like, you like a sandwich to do what it says on the tin, right?

If someone says, do you want a cheese sandwich, you don't want anything apart from cheese?

Do you want anything extraneous?

No.

There's no need.

What would you do if you asked me for a cheese sandwich and I brought you a cheese sandwich and I'd put mustard in it?

What would you do?

Oh, God.

I'd say, sorry, I can't eat this.

Yeah.

Did I ask for mustard?

No, but you know, it's just to add a bit of sand.

Mustard and cheese.

That's weird.

Delicious.

Mustard and cheese.

What if Ed bought you a cheese sandwich and because he's heard you're a bit of a shredhead, he put in the

marmalade as well.

Across the room.

But you put you a shredhead, though.

It's third down.

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We come to the dessert.

I already know that...

I'm in safe hands here.

I know that we're not going to go cheeseboard.

To be fair, I would actually laugh if Diane passed on this course.

But I'm not sure she is going to pass on this course, but I have a feeling it might be something just like an apple.

Yeah, it might be some wartime.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

All right, here we go.

Because I'd go

Tiramasu.

It's the most old man.

Tiramasu is lovely.

It is lovely.

Right, tell me, what is better than Tiramasu?

What is better than Tiramasu?

Mike, just answer me, what is better than tiramisu?

What's better than tiramisu?

Ice cream.

I've explained about my teeth.

Next question.

What is better than tiramisu?

You've got porous teeth.

Hang on, tiramisu's got coffee in it.

Is that your teeth not going to suck up the coffee and make them black?

Well, I'm not going to have that much that's going to make my teeth brown.

This is the thing.

People who like tirambasu

are adamant that it is the best dessert ever.

It is the best.

It is the best.

i like turumba su but anyone who eats their favorite dessert most people they've got a favorite dessert and they accept the fact that everyone's got different favorite desserts if your favorite dessert is a tiramisu

you are convinced it is this is gospel yeah there is no other better it's like people who like oasis yes yeah we've talked about many desserts on the on this uh this podcast that we've had at different places that we like i i i do love tiramisu do you like a melt in the middle pudding i do like a melt in the middle pudding I like cheesecakes.

I like cakes.

I like gato.

I like very sticky, fudgy, browny kind of stuff.

Yeah.

I can't think of a dessert I don't like.

Yeah, it's quite difficult, isn't it?

Yeah.

Cheese and biscuits.

That's not a dessert.

That's not a dessert.

On the dessert menu.

No, it's not.

You're out-voted here, mate.

Yeah.

Yeah, out-voted.

How does it feel?

Well,

here's how I feel.

I don't like tiramisu.

I think it's a bad dessert.

There's no variance of texture.

I think a lot of the time they use completely flavorless cream.

I think the only thing

working is

the biscuits, but then they're soaked in coffee, so you take away any texture that they once had.

I think normally I'd say it's an old-fashioned dessert, Diane, but in the context of your menu, it's practically futuristic.

Sounds to me like you've had a rubbish no-frills tur and masseu.

Yeah, possibly.

I will admit that.

Where's the best tur and masseu you've ever had?

Diane.

Good question, James.

It was at a theatre, a theatre restaurant called, what's it called?

That theatre, um, the chocolate factory.

The menier.

The menier chocolate factory restaurants.

Their Tiramassu.

It was quite a few years ago now, but it blew my mind.

I absolutely, I thought, this is the best dessert I ever had.

It was absolutely delicious.

I couldn't believe it.

Who were you with?

I was there with my then-boyfriend

and three other people who, and we'd come to see this girl who was in a play.

I can't remember what the play was,

but it was like we had to go and see it because she was in the play.

It wasn't like, oh, I've got to see this play.

Sure.

Did you say out loud to everyone that you were with?

I'm not.

I'm not.

Yeah, I did.

Yeah, it's lovely.

I hope they still do it.

I hope it's still on the menu.

I think a lot of theatres are struggling at the moment, but a lot of theatres don't have that.

So I'm going to sit back on the menu and watch the people rolling.

In this time of coronavirus, we've all got to pivot and try and find new ways of bringing in revenue and it seems like the menu needs to just turn into a big tiramisu restaurant yes yes i mean it's called the chocolate factory it's got a bit of chocolate on top of it hasn't it yeah it's a bit of chocolate on top of a tiramisu dusting a dusting yeah just to lure you in yeah i will i will admit that i might have just had bad tiramisus in the past and i will keep going if you're ever in there uh try it i will i will let me know what you think because it's uh

did you have the tiramisu before you saw the play or after you saw the play?

I've got a feeling it was before, but so were you thinking about the Tiramasu all the way through watching the play?

Yeah.

Yeah, it got me through it, actually.

Yeah.

I'd say I've never had a Tiramasu I haven't liked, but I've also...

I've had poor ones.

I also would rarely order one.

Right, yeah.

I've had very sort of below par ones from supermarkets in a sort of plastic pot.

You've really come alive during this course as well.

I can tell that this is your favourite.

This is absolutely your very favourite.

Absolutely.

So not my block off.

Okay.

Let's hear the menu, James.

Yep, I'm going to read back your menu to you, Diane.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like still water.

Yes.

Popdoms of bread.

You chose poppadoms with just lime pickle.

And you also asked for some shredded marmalade.

No, take that off.

You insisted that you were.

I was there.

You pushed me into it.

I don't want.

I've got written down here that you insisted to be referred to as a shredhead.

Starter.

Pass.

Absolutely.

I can't believe we've had another pass on starter.

Main course, curry, unspecific, with rice, also unspecific.

But like, at the start of it, you said that you like.

Chicken Booner.

I'd usually go chicken boner or chicken Jal Frazi.

I agree with you on Jal Frazi.

I'm crazy for Jal Frazi.

Yeah, it's great.

Crazy for the Frazier.

Side dish, Sagaloo, slash paneer.

Couldn't really make your mind up, but it'd be at the one o'clock on the Demi clock.

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Drink Cobra beer all the way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Share with the waiter.

Share with the waiter?

Yeah, got it in here.

Is this the monkey waiter?

In the dinner jacket.

Genie waiter.

You would give me.

Oh, right.

You, right.

Oh, I forgot about it if you were a genie waiter.

You can turn yourself into a monkey in a dinner jacket, can't you?

Yes.

Yes.

Do you want me to be a monkey in a dinner jacket?

Oh, yes, please.

One of the PG tips monkeys, you know.

Absolutely.

Dessert.

Tuimasu from the Munir Chocolate Factory.

Yes.

How are you feeling about that?

You're not too full?

I'm happy with that.

I'm happy with that.

Are you happy?

Yeah, that's Bob On.

Are you happy, James?

Because you look worried, James.

Yeah, well, the whole thing seemed normal at the time.

But reading it back, it does seem weird.

I actually don't think it is weird at all because what Diane's done, which a lot of people don't do, and this is all credit to you, Diane, is you've got a consistent meal, really.

Because a lot of people will pick like, they might pick pop-adoms and then not have a curry, or they might pick a curry and then have a side dish that doesn't go with a curry.

Well, the only thing that doesn't fit in is the term of a sudo, isn't it?

Yeah, but

I could imagine that being a dessert in a curry house.

Well, it's Italian, though.

I know, but I could imagine a curry house with the tiramisu on the maybe on a dessert trolley.

Shouldn't be in there, shouldn't we?

Are you changing your mind?

Are you going to pass a dessert?

Well, you see, if I'm in a curry house, I don't really go for their puddings.

Yeah.

But so you wouldn't have a pudding at all?

Actually, I had...

What's that chain of Indian restaurants?

Dishum.

They do a nice sort of rice pudding dessert.

I don't normally go for a rice pudding, but.

You've had rice with the curry.

Yes, a lot of rice.

That's fine.

There's no rules, is there?

No.

No rules.

They can have as much rice as you want.

So are you going to stick with the tiramisu or are you going to go with the rice?

No, I'm going to stick with the tiramisu.

Yeah, okay, I think that's a good decision.

There we go.

You feel satisfied with that meal?

You're happy with it?

I do.

It's great.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for coming to the Dream Rice.

Thanks for having me.

Do you have a message for all the other shredheads out there before we go?

Just the message of solidarity.

Shredhead, you forced me into that.

I just thought, you know, shouldn't we go out with a bang or something?

Is this the end of it now?

Well, I thought the bang we could go out.

You could give her like an inspiring speech toward the shredhead, so that could be a nice bang to go out on.

I prefer Marmite to Marmalade.

And that's the bang.

There we go.

Thank you very much, Diane.

Thank you for having me.

Well, there we have it.

The off-menu menu of Diane Morgan.

Wow, we.

I mean pretty much straight away i was like i'm not sure she wants to be in the in the restaurant which was nice too many people want to be in the drink well that's what i'm saying it's it's good to vary it up because she took us to task on everything

she wasn't taking any bullshit we weren't going to force her into having a starter she wasn't having that she captured my heart she didn't want the starter She hates cheese and biscuits for dessert.

Yeah, my kind of person.

I was delighted.

Look, it was very clear that me and Diane operate

on different planes when it comes to food.

But you know what?

I still enjoyed having her at the restaurant.

And it was a lot of fun.

She absolutely loved rice and kept on putting rice with everything.

She did not choose rice paper.

So

we flew a bit close to the sun there, Diane, but we survived.

I think if she had said rice paper and we'd asked her to leave the restaurant, she would have been the only guest completely happy to leave straight away.

She wouldn't have even questioned that.

She would have gone, all right, and shut her computer.

Either that or I think she would have got angry with us and demanded to to speak to the manager.

Yeah, that's true.

And then we would have had to get the Great Bonito on.

Yeah, we would have the Great Bonito one and then there'd be a TripAdvisor review about us from Diane saying how awful it was and how angry she was for getting kicked out for ordering rice paper and I should eat whatever I like.

I felt like she likes Tiramasu.

She liked Tiramasu so much

that she skipped the starter to make the Tiramasu happen quicker.

Yeah.

She really wanted what she didn't count on was that it doesn't matter if she skips a course, we're still going to ask her for ages about the difference between

preserves and

if she's a shredhead or not.

So, you know, she didn't bank on the fact that it doesn't matter if you skip a course, we will talk about it for ages anyway.

Yeah, she did.

You're right.

She did not bank on the fact that we're absolute idiots.

Yeah.

But anyway, a brilliant episode.

Diane's new show, Mandy, is on BBC2 very soon.

So keep an eye out for that.

It is bound to be brilliant.

Me and James are doing this.

Yeah, pretty much just doing this.

Oh, I've also got a podcast called James A.

Cass's Perfect Sounds about music from 2016.

Best year for music of all time.

Oh, and I've also got a music podcast available.

The full series is available on Spotify.

It's called Lifers.

It's about heavy metal.

I got to meet some of my heroes.

I love the fact that we both have music podcasts, Ed.

Me too.

It's so great.

People can listen to off-menu about food and then listen to our music podcast afterwards while they're maybe eating a meal.

And then, you know, have some music on in the background while listening to off-menu.

I wouldn't advise that necessarily.

I don't know.

A A little bit of it, just

throwing it out there.

Oh, leave us a review on iTunes.

Why not go and sling us five stars?

Leave us a review.

It just helps with the chart position and stuff.

I want to be number one on TripAdvisor with the Dream Restaurant.

So if someone out there on the internet can figure out how to get the Dream Restaurant onto TripAdvisor, and then if all the people who listen to this podcast can go onto TripAdvisor and give the Dream Restaurant great reviews, that would be my dream to dominate TripAdvisor.

I think you need like an official address, maybe, and some pictures of the restaurants, TripAdvisor.

Heaven.

Heaven.

No, but that's not an official address.

Maybe like Big Ben or something.

Yeah, okay.

Top of Big Ben.

Yeah, magical.

Because that's the closest.

That's scientifically the closest to heaven a human can get.

It is.

The closest any human can get to heaven is the top of Big Ben.

Yes.

So please, someone, figure out how to do that.

We'll be forever in your debt.

Thank you very much.

So don't forget, your task as listeners, leave a review on iTunes.

Five stars.

Thank you very much.

Tell your friends about this podcast.

Follow us on Twitter at Offmenuofficial, Instagram, the same.

And then also set up the dream restaurant on TripAdvisor.

And the location is the top of Big Ben.

And give it five stars.

Thank you very much.

That's dangerous for Ed Ben at the top of Big Ben, isn't it?

Because it's close to the scene of the crime.

Do you mean the Thames?

Yes.

Yes.

You might tumble off the top of Big Ben.

No, I enjoy this joke.

I do enjoy the joke about the Thames.

It's a lot of fun.

Sometimes, though, when I'm, you know, occasionally I might, I, you know,

help out with some diabetic charities or diabetes activism

and I'll post like quite a serious thing.

The first five responses I always get are well then you shouldn't have fallen in the Thames.

I don't agree with that.

I don't think people should be posting well I don't well you say you don't agree with it but your face would suggest you absolutely agree with it.

I think it's slightly funny but not I would have done it myself.

No.

Well, because you don't have social media.

Luckily you have you've basically set a load of people on to do it themselves.

Yes.

I mean, I don't think they should be blaming you and saying you shouldn't have fallen in the Thames.

That's very much the attitude is, why did you fall in the Thames if you didn't want diabetes?

Well,

I guess everyone's learning at different paces and speeds and stuff.

They're just educating themselves slowly.

But sorry that you have to be on the received end of that.

But I'm just saying, maybe don't go to the top of Big Ben.

But if I've...

What?

So you're worried that I'll go to the top of Big Ben and fall into the...

Again,

how will I fall into the Thames from the top of Big Ben?

It's quite near to the Thames, isn't it?

It's not.

You can't fall into it from the Thames, though.

It's not.

What if a gust caught you?

But it'd have to be a big old gust, mate.

Yeah, it would blow you into the Thames.

It's pretty close.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again next week.

Bye.

Hello, my name is Rob Orton and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.

The Roborton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short, some are two minutes long, some are ten minutes long, and they are stories and poems and basically all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Rob Orton podcast is available on Apple, Acast, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts.

And on social media, it is at Rob Autumn Podcast.

Thank you.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.