Ep 63: Jen Brister

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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How would you like your podcast cooked, sir?

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Medium rare, please, Ed.

Oh, hello, James.

How are you?

Very well, thank you.

How are you, mate?

Very, very, very well.

The hustle and the bustle of the restaurant.

Here we are.

Nice change from the quiet solitude of the lamp.

If you've not visited the restaurant before, what James is referencing is we are broadcasting from the dream restaurant.

James is a waiter who's also a genie who lives in a lamp.

And we have a special guest on every week.

And what do we give them the option to choose, James?

Their favourite, ever, start a main course dessert, side, and drink.

And this week's special guest is Jen Brister.

Wonderful comedian Jen Brister.

I've gigged with her countless amounts of times.

One of the best.

Started out, we did the comedy zone together in Edinburgh, which is like a showcase that you do quite early on in your career.

It's very exciting.

She's a lot of fun.

She's very funny indeed.

And she's a great guest.

But...

If she mentions the secret ingredient that we have decided on in her meal, no matter how good a comedian she is, she will be ejected, rules and rules from the restaurant.

And today's secret ingredient is unpopped.

Popped popcorn kernels.

That's right.

Unpopped popcorn kernels.

It would be pretty bizarre if Jen did pick that as part of her meal.

If she picks anything with popcorn in it,

then we can follow it up and say, Do you want any of the unpopped ones in?

Do you like that?

Well, I think what I'll do is I'll say, do you want to sir anything in particular you want to make sure there's not in there?

Nice.

And if she says no.

If she says no, go, get the fuck out of the mail.

perfect hopefully she won't say that because really looking forward to to having her in the restaurant so without further ado this is the off menu of jen brister

welcome to the dream restaurant jen brister oh i'm delighted to be in this no one told me it would be so opulent i know right uh oh welcome jen welcome to the restaurant good to see you good to see see you, James.

You look really well.

Thank you very much.

I've just been moisturizing inside the lamp.

It's just full of moisturizer.

I noticed you slipped out quicker than normal.

Yeah, oh, I slipped out real fast, didn't I?

You've got a definite sheen.

Yeah, yeah, straight out.

I was

full of E45, that lamp is today.

So, yeah, here I am.

You're definitely the sort of person who would be like, I'm moisturizing today and you're using E45.

You want to use a water-based, particularly if you've got eczema, you want to use a water-based emollient.

Actually, you want to use aqueous cream.

Yes, yes.

You don't want to get on the E45 train.

You're assuming that I've got eczema there, which I haven't, but fair enough.

All genies are good.

All genies.

Listen, you can't be in that cramped, tight

not have some kind of skin condition, okay?

Some kind of psoriasis.

Yeah, it's very flaky inside that lamp.

That's like normally when I come out, people are like, whoa, it's like all that glitter and stuff.

That's not, it's dandruff.

That's all my druff.

That's a dry skin.

That's my druff, baby.

That's my druff.

It's too late by the time you've gone back in the lab, and people are sweeping it up.

This is not glitter.

I thought it was magical.

For your first wish, may I suggest a Hoover?

So, yeah, yeah, covered in druff, but here I am.

Well, I mean, it's a good look for you.

And also, worry that with the druff and also with the emollient, that's like...

Oh, yeah, paste.

That's not good.

Oh, there's a paste going on.

But don't worry.

I magic up the food.

I I don't touch it.

You're fine.

I'm so glad this isn't a visual medium.

Yeah, I can wear a hair net if you like, for my whole body net.

A body net.

A full body net, please.

Yeah, I've been caught by some SAS kind of thing.

So before we even started, you were telling us about how to cook the perfect boiled egg.

So you already are expecting...

You're a foodie.

I'm expecting stuff from you here.

What is a...

Can someone tell me, is a foodie someone who just likes food, or is a foodie someone who is an

obnoxious person that knows a lot about food?

Because I'm definitely the former.

I just like eating.

I think that's what a foodie is.

I think there's negative connotations to it that recently been brought about, but I think a foodie is just someone who really likes food and likes to talk about food.

It's a lifestyle choice.

You're a foodist.

Yeah.

You go to foodist beaches?

I'm always at foodist beaches.

They're pretty intense places.

Lots of food just flying around.

And everyone is fully clothed.

I want to make that entire thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They've all got fully clothed.

Just a lot of food.

Just a lot of food flying around.

I could happily.

You know, when people say, oh, I just eat because it's fuel.

I can't be friends with those people.

I'm like, what is?

Who are you?

And what is your problem?

What is you?

What is you?

Is you a car?

Is you a car that needs fuel?

What is it?

I don't understand it.

No, it's madness.

I don't, yeah, I don't get that.

I want to go to.

If I'm going out to a restaurant, firstly, I don't want to share my food, unless it's shared food.

Please,

if I've ordered a meal, like my girlfriend's very much of the mind that we never order the same meal.

Even if we both want the same meal.

No, I do that.

So, and it really pisses my girlfriend off because we'll be sitting there looking at the menu, and then she'll order first because I'm a gentleman, right?

Oh, dear.

And she'll say, 1976.

I'd like the steak, please, for example.

And I'll audibly go, oh, for fuck's sake.

She'll go, what's the matter?

Well, I was going to have have the steak.

So we'll have the steak.

I was like, no, we can't come to a restaurant and not fully experience the menu.

Well, you're not going to fully experience the menu having two dishes in the middle.

No, but

you're going to do it double than if you just had the same dish.

But what if, like, what happens is then you order a meal that you don't want

and then you eat half of her meal.

And she's like, I never wanted that meal.

You've ordered a meal that she doesn't want either.

Yeah.

So order the meal that you want.

Right.

Right, okay.

I mean, there is logic here somewhere.

Am I right, James?

Should I come to the genie for logic?

Obviously, you're right.

Only a madman would side with Ed on this, but I'm enjoying watching him having to justify himself.

Even I don't side with me.

Yes.

I can't help the way I am.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want her to order the same thing as me, and I know we should just eat what we want,

but I can't help it.

I've changed my order.

But now you're eating half of the food that she's like, I'm really looking forward to this steak, and now you want half of her steak.

Well, I know I wouldn't have that.

You've ordered the fish.

No, I've just choked down the fish, even though I don't like it.

So, but is your girlfriend ordering a different thing from you because she wants to try some of yours or because she wants you to try some of hers?

Because I think I probably sometimes, if I've ordered something and whoever I'm with is like, oh, I might get the same thing, I'll be like, oh, no, no, you can have some of mine.

I quite like being, it makes me feel good to share some of my food.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I bought you both together.

I'm not sharing.

You are on your own birthday.

She wants me to have a separate dish to the one that she has ordered in order that she can have half.

So what she'll say is, we'll eat, well, you know that do you do that thing where we go, I think we've eaten about half?

And I'm like, I'm pretty sure I've eaten a third and you've eaten half.

So now I'm getting half of yours and you're getting two-thirds of mine.

Look, the detail of this, it's all wrong.

The maths is wrong.

Order your meal, eat 100% of what you've ordered, and I will eat 100% of mine.

And then the maths are completely correct.

But where do you stand on things like on like little small plates?

Or

you've

Spanish, right?

Oh, yeah,

it's 24 hours tapaz when I went.

Tapaz, baby.

We do have a lot of people.

Good place to bet on when everybody have tapas in Jen's episode.

We should do it at some point.

I knew he was going to do it.

I can handle tapas.

In fact, we went when in Aberystwyth we had.

We went for tapas in Aberystwyth.

Well, we went for mese.

Oh, with meze, yes.

It was meze.

We had meze.

I can handle mese if we're ordering so much stuff that it is inconceivable that I could be hungry.

Yes.

But if I'm with someone that's like, should we just order a couple of things?

I'm like, no, you're on your own, mate.

I will order mine and you can have your two little tiny really piss shit dishes that I can't.

I completely agree with you.

If I'm going somewhere that does small plates, say tapas restaurant, mesae, anywhere like that, I will order until the waiter makes a face.

You were great.

You were great.

The thing that I really enjoyed with Ed was like, I think we're done.

And Ed was like, should we just get a couple more?

And I was like, this guy is amazing.

He is a machine and I love it.

I was like, yeah, let's get to more.

Because you're right.

Then you don't need to worry about sharing because you know the last plate, you're just going to be going, I'm going to be sick if I

at the end, you're like, can I finish this?

I'm like, dude, have it.

All of that.

I'm done.

This is great.

What I do with my girlfriend, if we're getting like small plates of stuff, is quite often it's sneaky.

I'll be like, oh, you can have that last potato.

You like those potatoes.

You can have the last potato.

Trying to make myself seem like a good guy because I know there's a dish coming that I want to eat most of it.

You have all of them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You have that last potato, so I should eat 90% of this beef.

Yeah, we all do that.

Where do you stand on that?

You know, there's like the last dish, whatever the tap is, whatever it is, Mesley.

And there's like one meatball left or something or one calamari left and no one touches it.

Sure, sure.

There's always one thing left because people are like, oh, no,

I couldn't possibly.

But I then get sucked into that.

Like, I'm usually quite, as you know, direct.

I'm not usually very passive-aggressive.

But in those instances, I'm like, what is the etiquette?

If I go in and eat that, is that...

Am I a prick?

What's going on here?

It's really hard, but what I like to do is wait until they try and clear the plate, and then I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's no point leaving that.

I'll have it.

I'll have that.

It's up to old Muggins here to polish it off.

But you know what?

If somebody does polish it off, there's a little bit of me that thinks, prick.

Yeah, you hate that person.

Yeah, I hate that person.

So before me and my girlfriend started going out,

we went for like, you were just like doing like...

The dating thing?

Yeah, well, we weren't dating, we were dating without saying we were dating, so we were going for meals together and stuff, like hanging out.

But we both fancied each other, right?

So it was clearly, but hadn't said anything yet, so I'm just sure if the other person liked you and all that.

We would go for some food, and often

she'd be like, Oh, what you got there?

Is that nice?

And I'll be like, Yep, do you want to try some?

Yeah, she'd try some of it, and then she'd go, Do you want to try some of mine?

And I'd always be like, No, I'm all right, and it would really annoy her.

So, once we went for poke, and she was like, I'll try some of the honors with you.

She's like, That's okay.

She went, drawing some of mine.

I said, no, I'm okay.

And she went, you fucking twat.

And that was around the moment where I went, I think she does fancy me, actually.

It's ambiguous up until that point.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, when a woman calls you a fucking twat on a date, that you mean,

that is the definitive sign.

Yeah, because I didn't want to eat her food.

But she was annoyed because she was like, why are you not?

Why are you not engaging in this reciprocal act?

Maybe, or maybe also because it's like, oh, what, so like, what you've got, your choice is so much better than mine, is it?

Like, I've chosen the shit thing, have I?

Like, like, so, like, I'm having yours because it's so great, but actually, I'm just being polite in trying your shitty version, and now you're refusing to have mine, which is actually better than yours.

It's either that or it's an exchange, and you made her look like a worse person because she's like having some of yours, and then eating hers, and then you're like, No, I'm fine with mine.

No, no, no, it's okay, I'm just a good guy.

Yeah, you're my ideal date, let's go out.

You offer yours, and you don't want any of mine,

I'm on board.

Let's do this.

It's perfect.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Sparkling.

You even personified the sparkling water.

I know, I just wasn't.

I was a pedrama student there.

Sparkling.

Three years at Middlesex University.

Pretending to be a tree or a camel.

I can be a sparkling glass of water if you want me to be.

What about sparkling gives it the edge?

Over still?

I tell you what,

this I think is fact, but I might have made this up.

I think sparkling water quenches your thirst quicker, but doesn't hydrate you as well as still water.

So still water will hydrate you.

So if you have a glass of still water, you won't feel thirsty again.

But if you have a glass of sparkling water, you immediately feel quenched.

You're like, oh yeah, I'm not thirsty anymore.

But actually, you're not as hydrated.

And I think there's something about that little, I just like fizzy stuff, but I don't like fizzy.

I don't want to drink Coke or something.

I don't know what it is.

I like it.

It's just like a little party.

Yeah, it's like a little party in my mouth.

Yeah.

Oh, as a gay woman, that's not right.

No, no, stop that.

Delete that.

Are you going to be ostracized by the community?

Yeah, they'll be like, what did she say?

It sounds like a euphemism to me.

There will be no parties in your mouth.

Not sparkling ones.

I don't know.

Does it fizz?

I don't know.

Anyway,

it does.

Depends.

I'm a genie.

Yeah.

I'm a genie.

It fizzes every time.

Yeah.

We've dropped.

We've already established its paste.

It depends what you drink beforehand.

If you have a can of lager and then immediately

fizzes.

Yeah.

I like the way you're looking at me, like, and I'm like, that could be true.

That's why I was enjoying saying it.

Because you were looking at me like, I can't tell if he's joking or not.

He definitely looks like he's drunk a can of lager and then immediately masturbated.

We can tell Jen anything.

Jen, sometimes for a little prank, I'll shake it up beforehand.

I am never touching a milkshake again.

Poploves or bread!

Poplovs or bread, Jen!

Poploves or bread!

Bread.

Bread.

Is that okay?

Straight to bread?

Okay, okay, great.

I'm going to have bread because

I love bread so much, and we live in a time where bread has now become evil.

Demonised.

It's like if you say you like bread, people are like, oh, I don't, I stopped eating bread like in 2005.

I'm like, I have never stopped eating bread.

I suspect I have some sort of wheat intolerance.

I'm sure I do.

But I am never giving up bread.

Take bread away from me and I will kill you, cut you down.

It's not going to happen.

I like all kinds of bread.

Not so much, I'm not so bothered about the sliced bread, but give me, like, you know when you go to a nice restaurant and they have like these big hunks of bread and they look like they've just cut it off a loaf and it's like and then they give you like butter and you're like you're legitimately allowed to put as much butter as you want on that.

I'm like that.

I want that every day.

Feels luxurious, doesn't it?

But butter and bread is about the slices.

I like bread, though.

That's a good point.

Because actually, I don't think I like sliced bread either, which I haven't been formatting too sweet.

So I'm off the sliced bread train.

So, how are you?

Are you only on the occasional hunker bread train?

Bread feels like a special occasion for me now.

Oh, God, you're one of those.

All right.

What about you, James?

I love bread.

Yeah.

And are you?

Are you both eating bread every day?

Yeah, bread every day.

I have like nine every day.

Yeah, every day.

I don't...

Yeah, every day, yeah.

And what kind of bread do you have around the houses on that?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What kind of bread are you having every day?

I'm having,

I don't know, like granary bread or wholemeal bread or occasionally I'll go out with something grim like tiger bread, which is like just the most evil, sick, full of, I don't even know what's in it.

Why is it that colour?

Bread?

Tigers.

Tigers.

Well, then you're a mum, so are you like, it's bread more around the house because you're making sandwiches for the kids, stuff like that, and then you're eating a bit of bread afterwards?

Because I know, like, I don't think I have bread just around the house.

I'm not, because if I have a loaf of bread, that's going moldy after a while.

Freezer, put it in the freezer.

You've got a family, you'll make it.

Well, I don't put it in the freezer.

Yeah, maybe, maybe, because I've got kids, so then we do make sandwiches occasionally.

They don't really like bread, actually.

They're not that fussed about it.

Are they fussy eaters?

Well, they're like, they're four.

So I don't.

Is there a four-year-old that isn't a fussy eater?

I mean,

everything's new, really, isn't it?

So flavours are really strong for them.

So I think something changes with your palate, doesn't it, as you get older?

Like in terms of you, when you're younger, you prefer sweet things, and obviously as you get older, you prefer more savory things.

So like really strong flavours for them, like if you give them an olive, they will eat it, but every now and again, they'll be like, what?

This is what evil tastes like.

You know, they can't, it's too much.

So I would say for four-year-olds, they've got, you know, God, such a middle-class punch of pricks.

So they've got a pretty good diet and it's pretty varied.

Yeah, but yeah, there'll be days when they'll just go, I'm not gonna eat spaghetti bolognese, and they'll just be like, I'm just not eating it.

And you're like, but you ate it, you always, you've always eaten it, you like it.

No, no, not today.

Could be something else, woman.

You know, oh my god.

But yeah, feeding them

is, I think feeding your children is the hardest

challenge because that's the one thing that you can do to prove to yourself that you're being a good parent is to feed them, to keep them alive.

And if you can't do that, that is that is really stressful.

Yes, val, val, stressful.

But on the whole, they're pretty good.

We're okay.

And breads are great.

Are great.

I really feel like they're just chucking a slice of bread and you know they're gonna

that'll get through the day, right?

They actually prefer oat crackers, you know, those oat biscuits, there's nan's oat biscuits.

Am I going to go too far?

Am I going?

I know.

Are your children little peasants from the 17th century?

They're real little Scottish peasants.

I'll be costing you, Jen.

What is you?

Look, can I just say it's not me?

It's them.

And also, there are way more nutrients in an oat biscuit than there is in a slice of bread.

Yeah, they've made the right decision.

They've actually,

they're thinking outside the box.

Anyway, look,

it's fine.

So, but you're having bread and not oat biscuits for your.

Oh, I don't want an oat biscuit.

Grim.

No, I'm definitely just, I'm charing down on the bottom.

I mean, is that your main thing, really, as a parent, is that you're feeding them food that you don't want so that so you don't feel bad about the sharing thing.

Often I'll feed them stuff, and I'm like, I would never eat this

because quite often parents say that they just end up eating whatever's left over of their kids meal yeah there is a danger if

and i do this because sometimes i will have fed them and then i'll go to a gig so then i know i won't eat for the rest of the evening so then on the days like that i'd be like well then i'll just eat whatever whatever you haven't eaten i'll eat it and then that'll kind of be my dinner but there are days when you eat their dinner and you eat your dinner yeah and i think that happens a lot so like you're basically contributing to your own five a day but they're still starving um

yeah that i mean that happens to every parent yeah and if you too ever get involved with parenting

you might look at ed's face why would i do that no i'll do that yeah yeah especially if i get double dinner i've got

you will be your dad i can't wait to enter what breast has said about double dinner it's going to be so funny when ed's a dad i i i just i just he's going to change a lot and i know i don't know in what direction are you going to you're going to become your own dad and i can't wait oh yeah i'm I'm already my own dad.

You slowly, we all become our powers, but I can't wait for you to become.

I don't want to say that.

That is a risk.

If I turn into my mother, I would guard all nicely.

Please don't let that happen.

But of course it's going to happen, because your act, you've got such an immediate connection to your mother.

You can slip into your mother's voice so quickly and just immediately that's how close it is.

It's going to happen, Jen.

It's going to happen.

Oh, God, please.

If I start wandering around in the Spanish accent being really aggressive to strangers, then you know it's because you come full circle on the end of my mind.

Only if they ask to share your food.

Yeah, that's true what sort of bread okay so that you know that you know we were just talking about that that so a big one of those big hunky loafs and then I just want someone to just randomly hack a piece off yeah like preferably I kind of I do love a granary so something with seeds in it maybe like a mixed seed one and if it can be just like it's just come out the oven so it's not like so it's still a little bit warm and then loads of not unsalted butter that can go fuck itself

with salt on it and then I want to smather that, and then

you can't go wrong.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, you can't go wrong with that.

No one's going to argue that one.

So we come to the big leagues now, to the starter.

Okay.

Is this from a specific place?

This is, well, it is sort of from a specific place.

I, many years ago, because my brother lives in South Africa, I was in Cape Town and he took me to a restaurant where they did all these different types of oysters.

And I absolutely love oysters.

Native oysters are my favorite, but I love rock oysters as well.

And they had these oysters called champagne oysters and they were a little bit pink

and they were so like obnoxiously expensive.

So I think, and I was really super poor at the time.

And my brother went, oh, look, I'm going to treat you.

Are we going to get a dozen of these?

We'll have six each.

And it was literally the most magical time.

Because I can't explain what these oysters taste.

Because obviously,

they are oysters, but they didn't taste like.

Do you guys do oysters at all?

I love oysters.

Okay, so I absolutely, that's like one of my favorite things in the world.

So they didn't taste like rock oysters, which you know can be very salty and then quite creamy.

They had like a sort of a little sort of undertone, like a little slightly sweeter taste to it.

Okay.

But there was this really intense creaminess, like that it kind of like exploded in your mouth.

And like, or every single one,

we had it with a really very, very cold, very, very dry glass of rosé.

And it was, the sun was setting, and it was literally the most.

I mean, it was, it was romantic, but it was my brother.

Oh my god, that's got weird.

And it was just amazing.

So I would love

those specific oysters.

I'll let you have the rose with them as well.

Can I have the rose oysters?

Because that's part of the dish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that sounds like part of the dish.

Rose is a big thing for me now.

That's another thing.

I just got into rose.

Rose and boiled eggs.

That's what I've got into this year.

Together?

Why not?

That wouldn't work for me.

Could work, actually.

That sounds incredible.

And champagne.

Sounds so posh as well.

Champagne.

And I don't think you can get, I think they are native to that coastline.

I don't think you can get them over here in Europe.

I think you can only get them in Africa.

And if, yeah, they were great.

I definitely...

But I love...

But saying that, I love native oysters in this country as well.

And I think if you can go to the, you know, Whitzpill have that oyster festival.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Go to that.

Yeah, so go there.

Like, and then they just have guys shucking oysters.

And you know how oysters are like, I don't know, maybe like a quid or two quid for an oyster.

You can go there, they're like 40p, and then they'll shuck, you know, you can get like a dozen oysters.

Oh, there's a few quid.

And he's like, oh, this looks amazing.

So hold on.

We should go to the oyster festival.

We should go and do an episode from the Whitzable Oyster Festival.

Yeah, we should.

Yeah, you should.

Honestly, and they have all the natives.

They have all of the native oysters,

all of the different rock oysters.

Crack on.

Because they come up from along that coastline.

And

as well, sort of they get them from Suffolk and Norfolk and Essex.

Do they have like any oyster-themed bands playing around?

Yes.

Blue Oyster Colt.

Obviously.

And that's the only joke to be made there.

You pay for them with oyster carts.

No, the sniper.

Blue Oyster Colt.

Blue Oyster Colt play every single year.

Every year, Blue Oyster Cult will play it.

That's it.

That's it.

So hold on.

Because

you two would know about the WAF.

I don't.

I've only I've briefly briefly heard about the WAF.

I want to get some more, like, more of an image of the WAF.

How many oyster chucking guys are there there?

There's like, so there's like, there's an area in Whitstable where, um, I think all the time, maybe on a Saturday, where there's like little seafood stores and there's places that do oysters anyway.

So, like, there's like quadruple of those.

There's loads.

So you go down to the WOF, and then, and then, and lots of people

sort of, they've come with all the the different oysters that they've got that are native to that coastline.

So they'll be coming from Scotland, they'll be coming from that you know from like i said suffolk and essex and uh i don't know if they do oysters down in the southwest but probably around there and then everyone just you just go and like so you do a little tour of the country in one place yeah that's both and it's great

and also i think i don't know because i didn't go to any restaurants but i think the restaurants will then have deals on these you can have like

lots of oyster themed menus and all that sort of thing.

I mean, I might have made that up actually, but I imagine that's kind of the thing.

Oysters are supposed to be an aphrodisiac, right?

Does that mean it's also like a swingers festival is it a major horny everyone just puts their keys into like the wolf shell yeah

into an oyster shell and then it's like yeah

get fucking

such a horny festival

where did that come from are they i don't think i've ever had an oyster and gone raw no luckily because yeah luckily for that meal when you were sat with your brother my brother's like

the uh yeah no i don't know where that comes from but it is it is a thing it's a thing that people go on about, but like, I definitely, if I've eaten an oyster, I don't take that.

The last thing I want to do is put my mouth next to somebody else's.

Yeah, or just do anything.

I don't think I even would want to have a wank after an oyster.

Is that like.

I mean, is that.

You wouldn't want to shake one up?

Am I crazy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't want to shake it up a bit.

Especially if you've got six.

After the first one, if you're going, I'm just going to

go to the toilet.

James is just bringing one out.

He'll be back in in a minute.

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Okay, so we come to your main course.

Now, a very promising start already.

I love the description of the oysters, the champagne oysters.

The main course, I really love street food.

Okay, so I mean, I was thinking about this, and some of the best meals I've had, and I have been to a couple of Michelin star restaurants, but the best meals I've ever had have have been in Southeast Asia, like sort of Singapore, Malaysia.

Singapore and Malaysia have, more so than Thailand, I think, they have these food markets and they're like mid, they like sort of happen at night, so it's a bit cooler.

And the food there is just incredible.

And I would love,

in Malaysia, I had a seafood, it's kind of like a Malay curry, like a lacerie kind of thing, but not, but drier than that.

And then they had

crab and mussels and I don't know not oysters but like prawns and but in this this kind of gloopy kind of Malay curry and it was just ah and then with some like steamed rice and then sit outside in the heat and then just chow that down

so already very seafoody already like

are you is that what what you lean towards myself

totally what I always order yeah I don't really order meat much yeah

I really,

I want to, I would love to think that I could do the veggie stuff, vegetarian vegan thing.

I just, if like, if there's a seafood option, I'm there.

Even like, I even like prawns, which I know like people are like, they're kind of creepy,

which they are.

And even though I know they're kind of creepy, I'm like, I like them.

Delicious, delicious.

They're very creepy.

I've definitely got more like that.

Like in recent years,

I lean more towards the seafood options.

My sister's coming to visit, and she listens to the podcast, and she wants, just, she goes, let's have a whole day, and we just go to all those different places that I've heard on the podcast, go and get some food.

So, I've been planning out, like, here's the best dishes in London that I want to take her to.

And a lot of my favorite dishes I've realized in London are all kind of seafood-based.

I didn't really realize that until writing that list and going, that's what I'm kind of.

There's something really decadent, not well, not decadent, it's the wrong word, but there's something feels really luxurious about eating seafood.

Certainly shellfish.

Like, shellfish still feels like, I can't afford this.

Oh, I can.

And it feels, you know.

I mean, and essentially, like, unless you're eating a lobster, shellfish is actually not necessarily.

I mean, they always had a quid on for a prawn for some reason, which I find really weird.

Oh, you want a prawn?

There's just an extra pound.

It's much easier like putting in a quid's worth of work to get to it.

You've got so much to do.

There's so much admin with a prawn.

But I don't.

Saying that, I don't really like those,

you know, those really big kind of like a king size that's practically a lobster prawn.

Big boys, yeah.

Langosteens?

No?

Yeah, I'm not massively kids.

Langosteens are

different.

Langosteens are.

They're smaller, right?

Are they smaller?

I thought Langosteens were.

They're just completely different from a prawn.

They've got like that tail with like a lobster tail.

They've got little claws as well.

Well, they've got little claws.

But there's not that much meat on the Langosteen.

That was the poshest argument that's ever happened in my family.

Once I was on holiday with my dad and my stepmum, me and my stepmom went to the supermarket, and dad went, I want to cook some prawns tonight, so go and get some prawns from the supermarket.

We were like, absolutely fine.

you'll do the cooking, we'll go and do the shopping.

Came back with a big bag of prawns.

He emptied them out

onto the work surface and went,

These are Langosteens.

He was so angry, he was the angriest man you've ever seen in your life.

And he cooked them and he went, Good luck getting any meat off those Langosteens.

We were just pissing ourselves, laughing.

This is going to get passed around the family for the rest of our lives.

Every time a Langosteen comes up, we go, remember you got annoyed about a Langostein, you posh idiot.

He was right.

Isn't there much meat in a Langosteen.

What can I tell you?

You better.

A bit like crayfish.

There's no point to them.

Have you eaten any crayfish?

They're like the tiniest, weeniest bit of like nothing.

Don't, don't, don't.

You have to have loads of them, right?

Oh my god, they're like, you need like 28 of them to be even vaguely exactly 28.

Yeah, exactly.

I find 29 is too much for them.

Yeah, 29 is way too many.

28 is parpe.

You live in Brighton, right?

So is there like anywhere like in Brighton's best seafood, like locally caught stuff or whatever that you'd recommend?

There

is more,

there's lots of restaurants that do

that will do sort of locally caught fish and they'll do like on their specials board and they'll do like fish of the day.

So you can definitely get that quite a few restaurants, particularly on the seafront.

Riddle and Finns is probably, I mean, because like, I know I live in Brighton and I should know all about this, but because I've got two young children, I never go anywhere.

Of course.

So I have barely been out in Brighton in terms of eating.

but I did, my girlfriend and I did go to Riddle and Finns in, there's two, there's one on the seafront and there's one in the lanes and the one in the lanes.

It's better.

And we went there and had just a ridiculous amount.

Like I did that thing where I'm like, let's just order everything.

I don't care.

You know, like,

we just like.

Especially if there's a special night out there.

It was like, like, literally, when are we going to do this again?

And I'm very much of the mind.

Like, when it comes to food,

I don't spend my money on much.

I don't really like stuff.

I don't really spend a lot of money on clothes, as a real se.

But when it comes to food, I probably am a little excessive.

I'm the person that will go to Itsu and spend £20.

Sure, right.

You're saying, but I also spend a lot of money on clothes.

So I'm just a disaster.

Yeah, but maybe your career is going better than mine.

No, God, no.

No, absolutely not.

I just go, oh,

get that, and then regret it massively later.

I never regret buying too much food, but I always have, even if I need the top or I want those trousers or those trainers are necessary, whatever, I have buyers regret like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have bought that.

Literally, never with food.

I can go in and, like, oh, I'm just gonna buy.

I want to, if I go into a sushi place, I'm not even looking at the price.

I'm like, I want that, I'm gonna have it.

That looks like it's enough for four people.

Yeah, Brist is eating

for the listener, by the way.

Uh, Brista's here, uh, wearing a Hessian sack,

so it's like and sandals, though.

I do, I've like, I've got, I'm like, I've really got the whole outfit down.

You said you would spend 20 quid in itsu.

I literally would.

Are you an Itsu fan?

I, Yeah, I'm happy.

I went there this morning.

Oh, okay.

What did you, what this morning?

Okay.

What did you have?

I had the spicy tuna dragon roll.

Oh, sweet.

Which I like a lot.

Contrary to that.

And I also had just the small kind of like little sushi mix where it's got the

kind of standard.

What's the one where it's just like the fish on top of the rice?

Oh, oh,

nigger.

And the little square ones.

Yeah.

So I've had that little like six pack.

Great.

With the dragon roll.

So that's what I went for this morning.

And that's what I went for and some kombucha.

I love this.

People are like, if you go to Asia, people don't eat cereal and toast and bread and

you just have what you would have at lunch, but you have it at breakfast.

I'm like, I love that.

Let's do more of that.

What's great as well is

I went to Japan and they had like a buffet breakfast at one of the hotels we stayed in.

And

they try and appeal to Westerners.

They try and have something in there for Westerners, but they got no idea what breakfast.

Westerners eat, yeah.

So they'll have like an American bit, but they might have like some bacon and some sausage or whatever they got a japanese bit which is like amazing food like fish and rice for breakfast basically and then another bit which is like spaghetti bolognese

creamed chicken like

because they're like what do these fucking white people eat spaghetti bolognese kids refusing to eat it i like spaghetti bolognese

but they'd eat it for breakfast that's guarantee you

love it this is delicious

but they but they don't really know i don't think they think of us as having us as having a cuisine.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

They're like, what do you like?

You like potatoes?

Yeah.

I think you people like potatoes.

They don't really think.

And ultimately, comparatively to them, we kind of don't really.

No.

It's been bastardised so much that what is it, particularly as British people, what is our

cuisine?

It's very difficult.

Roast beef, roast dinners.

It's sort of now in like the sort of modern British cooking is like just really good produce prepared nicely, I think.

I think it's all about the quality of the produce rather than anything else.

But it's different.

But that's only if you go high end, if you're going to a really nice restaurant and then you know you're going to get great British food

for the average person that's cooking for themselves.

Yeah, there's no like, yeah, it's all so like mixed in with European cooking and especially French cooking, I think.

When I go to Spain, like when I go and see my family, they...

They just like cook what they cook.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

We cook Spanish food.

And if you say to them, oh, have you thought about cooking like a spaghetti bolognese?

They'd They'd be like, why?

Because it's kind of nice.

And they're like, no, we've got, we're going to eat this because this is Spanish.

Like, when I, when they came over and I took them to a Thai meal, they were like, but this, what?

Why would we?

We're not in Thailand.

What is this?

Do you not have any Spanish restaurants?

And I was like,

yeah, I guess we could go.

Okay, we'll go there.

Yeah, I suppose if you ask, like, if you ask an Italian person or a Spanish person, what's your favorite food?

They might zone in on a certain dish from there.

Spain or Italy.

Yeah.

If you ask a British person their favorite food, they go Italian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all Italian food is my favorite food.

Yeah, well, if you ask me, I'd say like Southeast Asian food.

Yeah, like that's totally my if you I could eat that every day.

There's no way I would ever feel like, oh no, not this again.

I'd be like, yeah, great.

Every time.

Every time.

I still want to know what your itsu order is, though.

Okay, okay, let's do the itsu order.

James is a very good interviewer in some, he asks very good questions, but he's a bad interviewer in that if it goes off track from a question he's asked, he will completely zone out from whatever's being said.

So that we had a bit we had a bit of fun there, didn't we, about food nationality and food identity and not much, not much coming from James there.

He would have had something good to add to that, I think, because he completely shut down, waited for there to be a gap.

What's your ritual order?

That was the question?

Actually, there was one story I could have added to the food identity.

Okay, so once, me and my family, when I was about 14, we went to the...

You know, it's too late to add this now.

Yep.

We had this meal.

We went for a holiday in the Alps.

It was a very special holiday.

And someone let us stay in their cabin for free.

So we went there.

And we went for a little meal in a tiny little restaurant.

And it was run by this couple.

And their dog, Snoopy, was running around.

And there was us, and there was a family from Germany, and another Italian family.

That was the only people in this tiny little restaurant.

And the couple just kept on cooking whatever they wanted and bringing it out for everyone and no one got to choose.

It was so delicious.

And then at the end, each table sang a song from their home country.

And then

it got to

my family.

And bear in mind at this point, like it's the most magical holiday I've been on ever.

We were in the Alps, I've never seen anything like this before.

This is the most amazing, magical meal.

The lady had sat down with us at one point and told us a story about when she was asked, like,

they wanted her to make Princess Diana a hat and they drove her to Buckingham Palace and this whole amazing story that she told us about this.

It was such a wonderful night.

And they got to us and I think, I can't remember, I can't even remember what the English song that we sang was.

La Macaroni.

Yeah, it might have been London Bridges Falling Down or something like that.

Oh no.

Like a real, because they chose it, we didn't choose it.

And they were like, sing this song.

We sang it.

And then at the end, when everyone clapped, I stood up on my chair and took a bow and my dad went, sit down.

And it was a song.

one wee Brits do.

This is a massive memory of being like, I feel so crazy.

Like, sit down, you are embarrassing.

You're being silly now, pulling the attention.

I love that.

It wasn't the point where you were singing London Bridge is falling down.

So, what happened was during that thing,

I know I did zone out a bit, but it was because I thought of that story.

I thought, shall I tell it?

And I thought, oh, my parents listen to every podcast that I do, and will they hear this?

And then my dad will be like, I don't think I'll believe that.

And I don't know if you're going to be able to do that.

That was fine.

And so, like, I thought, maybe I shouldn't tell it.

And I was like, oh, I've completely zoned out.

I don't know what they're talking about.

What was the last thing you said?

Bring up the Itsu Auto again.

Thank you.

And thank you for your contribution to that, James.

Now,

you've earned now hearing Jen's Itsu Water.

Thank you, Jen.

Oh, God.

I think it's the best chain sushi place.

It's my favourite chain sushi.

It is.

What's the worst?

I

don't like Yosushi.

No, but what's worse than Yosushi?

Worse than Yosushi?

Are you going to say Wasabi?

I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not a huge wasabi fan.

I wouldn't go.

I wouldn't visit Wasabi, really.

I like to if you want to be put off sushi, then definitely go there because that just tastes like something that they made a long time ago.

Yeah, yeah.

UB is my.

Have you had Yubi?

No.

They do a lot of sushi.

That sounds like how Jen would start a center type thing.

You be cool.

You be why?

It is why.

Ubi cool.

What is you?

What is you?

Yubi cool.

What is Yubi?

That's very nice anyway.

I think

they do a tamaki hand roll with uh scottish salmon and asian pear oh which is

amazing

it's one of my favorite like sushi

there's one in the center of town but i think you can also like it's on one of those delivery app services there's also a very nice vegan sushi place in brighton i'm out called happy mackey genuinely delicious

i am

genuine you're in it so

we're we're paying okay right so first of all um they do these little they do these juicy things, don't they?

So they have like one where it's like a really healthy, green-looking one, and then a fruity one.

And then they have one that looks like that looks less healthy than the other two.

And it's got kind of, I don't know, nuts and

a vegan yogurty thing.

And anyway, I have that.

So that, and then they mush it all up, and it's got these weird bits of almost like toffy biscuity bit, which really negates any health, any health that's in there.

100% into that.

Then I'll buy it.

You look really angry when you're describing it.

Oh, I'm just, but sometimes I like food so much, I get like

angry face.

Oh, I love it.

I totally get it.

If I had a dick, I'd stick it in.

Get your fizzy dick right in there.

Stick your fizzy dick in that.

If you had a dick, you'd call it the soda stream.

Naturally.

Yeah.

Get busy with the fizzy dick.

Get busy with the fizzy.

Anyway, that soda stream is not going near my

whatever it is, is, a smoothie.

And then I would get those weird seafood,

you know,

not seafood, seaweed.

They do those seaweed strips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nori.

I get two packets of those.

Oh, wow.

Two packets of those.

Then I go and get...

Do you get the wasabi ones or the salted ones?

No, I get the sweet chili ones.

Oh, they're the sweet chili ones.

Interesting.

Mm-mm.

They are the ones to get.

Then I go get whatever the biggest packet of,

I don't know, what, you know, the, so it's usually it's like a mixture of, it's got tuna, it's got salmon, it's got prawn, it's got mackey, it's got niguri, it's got the other one that's bigger, that's got like some weird crab thing in the middle.

Yeah.

I get that, and then I get edamame.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I think I'm pretty much, yeah, and then I'm like, yeah, this is, you know, that's a full banquet.

Pick up any chocolate rice cakes to polish the meal off.

No, you don't.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Then I put the dark chocolate rice cakes.

Yes.

It's got to be the dark one.

Okay, the dark chocolate rice cakes.

100%.

I can't believe I left those out.

And then I purchased my incredible Itsu banquet, and then I just literally eat it alone and feel no shame and thoroughly enjoy it.

And

I lost my debit card because I lost my wallet.

And so we got a joint account, my girlfriend and I.

And so she was like, well, look, take the joint account card because I'm like, I don't want a joint account card, but she was like, well, you take it because you haven't got a card.

And then I did one of my Itsu.

And she went,

so say that

you spent 20 quid in itsu.

And normally I never have to justify any of my purchases because I am 44 years of age and a grown-up and I'm allowed to buy whatever I want.

But because it was out of the joint account, I was like, yeah.

And then she went, did you spend £20 in itchu for lunch?

And then I found myself having to go, no,

lunch and dinner.

I thought we took a snack as well.

Yeah, I was like, I got lunch, but then I also got something that I could have for dinner later.

It was like a complete lie.

That was like one meal.

And

I was very proud of

that purchase.

Yeah, you didn't run a food there.

Well, I had to get two sheets of the seaweed.

Two packs of seaweed, obviously.

And I nearly forgot about the rice cakes, but then Ed reminded me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So your side dish now to go with your laksoy seafood-you know for a side dish.

I don't know.

I was thinking about this and

I'd probably do something like, oh god, I don't know.

I really, I tell you what, I really like if I was going to veer away from the whole seafood thing, is you know when you get that deep, you get tofu and you can, they sort of deep fry it and then they, I don't know what they do with it.

It's like got some salt on it and chili and they put like they chop up spring onions and then they sprinkle it all on top.

So it's crunchy on the outside, but it's so soft in the middle and you're like, oh, this side is soft, this is not so good.

Yeah, I love deep-fried tofu.

That is amazing.

I love deep-fried tofu, and that is pretty much the only way I like tofu, unless it's smoked.

Yeah, I'd agree with you.

That's the only way I really like it, but it is a game changer.

It's completely like.

Anyone who says that, like, slang soft vegetarian food or so they don't like tofu and stuff, they will change their mind when they have that.

That stuff is incredible.

It's amazing.

It's now my like, if I'm ordering a Chinese, I'll always get like a deep-fried tofu to it.

Always.

I do now as well.

It's just incredible.

And have you tried making it?

Not the deep-fried tofu.

No, so the thing is...

I do a mean tofu scramble.

What do you put in the tofu scramble to make it taste of something?

Explain what it is for listeners.

So it's like...

Instead of eggs.

Yeah, it's instead of eggs, but it's not really exactly like scrambled eggs.

But I would do, you do like, use that nutritional yeast and some water and then some turmeric,

some paprika, some powdered garlic, and then a lot of salt and pepper.

That sounds great.

And you mix up basically like a seasoning, a seasoning sort of liquid, and then you fry off the tofu for a bit and then pour it in.

And yeah.

Yeah, that sounds good.

And with peppers and spinach and stuff.

I completely misunderstood what nutritional yeast was when I made my scrambled tofu and basically just put marmite in it.

And it was disgusting.

You've got to experiment with these things.

Sorry, back to

the deep fried tofu.

So you buy the firm tofu and then you have to, with the flour, you use corn flour and then you flavour, you have have to really flavour that cornflour.

So whatever you want to do, you put salt and pepper in it, whatever.

Garlic powder is a good one to put paprika also.

You can use.

But you have to put quite a lot to make it taste of anything.

And then you, you know, when you open up tofu, it's wet because it's in water.

And then you have to put it, it's like, so you dry it off.

But I really struggle with making it, even though it's delicious.

It's because you put it in cornflour, not like plain flour.

And I just can't, the consistency of just touching cornflower makes me feel like

I'm right with you.

What is that?

And I was trying to explain this to Chloe.

My partner was like, I was like, can you do the tofu?

Because I cannot even put my fingers in cornflower.

It makes me.

Why?

Oh, what are you talking about, Ed?

It's like

nails at a chalk.

It's like nails on a face.

It's so squeaky because it's so fine.

I see what you mean, yeah.

It's like chewing polystymine or something.

Yeah, it's a horrible thing.

It's the most horrible sensation.

And yet.

I guess I'm just not putting my fingers in cornflower that often.

But if you mean it once you ever forget it.

It's just that feel.

I know exactly what you mean.

It's almost hard to describe the feeling, isn't it?

Because it's like

squeaky, and it's...

I don't know what it is.

It's just feeling it on my fingers makes me feel like it's not.

It feels like you're touching an anxiety attack.

I'm there.

That's what it feels like.

It feels like

it's the physical embodiment.

It's a good digit deep in anxiety.

It's not good.

Someone's taken an anxiety attack.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Made it a physical thing and you're touching it.

You're put it on your tofu.

Yeah.

To eat, divine.

To cook, forget it.

Forget it.

Otterlengi does a really good one in his,

I know he's got like, I mean, it's unfortunate because there's like 78,000 ingredients to it, obviously, because it's Ottolengi.

But if you have his book,

I think it's from, I think it's from Plenty, like one of his earlier books, there is an Asian, he always does like a little Asian section in his books, and there is an amazing tofu

dish in there, which is like three different types of soy sauce and,

I don't know, like spring onions and chili and all that.

That is really easy to cook if you can handle the cornflour and

delicious.

Oh, so good.

That's my side dish.

That's a great shout for a side dish.

And also, quite often, side dishes that people think they have to be like, oh, some steamed greens or like a vegetable on the side.

No, you've got basically, that's why I like starters because it's a way of getting a little main in before the main arrives.

I love starters.

I don't think that's a good thing.

It does tickle Benito.

Well, he's laughing because you say it every time.

That's why he's laughing.

That was a genuine,

you genuinely made him laugh yeah so like should we have your anecdote about diet coke again yeah

if you don't have diet if you don't have i gave up coke in uh i gave up all caffeine in 2013

every episode i stopped i stopped drinking caffeine in 2013.

what coffee nothing nothing why i just just gave it up as i was just wasn't enjoying it uh staining my teeth up just to stop it 2017 i started drinking diet coke and because i hadn't had any form of Coke in that time, it just tasted like normal Coke.

So now I have Diet Coke.

It tastes like

Come to your drink now.

I don't think it's gonna be Diet Coke, is it?

It's definitely not gonna be, it's definitely gonna be Diet Coke.

It's gonna be

a bottle of wine.

Uh-huh.

And I guess because it's seafood, and I don't, I don't normally, like, I don't think you have to have like white wine with the sea.

If you want to drink red wine, drink red wine.

I don't, I don't really subscribe to that.

But I think I would have a very dry

Marlborough,

very cold.

Yeah, that's what I'd have.

Maybe like a New Zealand Marlborough.

Anyway, I'd have a very cold, dry bottle of white wine.

Are you always white wine over red wine?

No, always red wine.

I love red wine.

I'm indifferent to white wine in many ways, but I'm kind of when I'm eating this meal.

I don't know why.

I'm somewhere hot.

It feels fresh.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think because I've got all these lovely flavours, I don't, I think red wine would probably colour it a little bit.

But if I was going to choose, I normally,

I'm much more excited about drinking a bottle of red than a bottle of white.

I'm fully in agreement with you.

How are you?

I've never really, I think it's the classic thing.

I've had too much bad white wine and I need to try and get back into it.

But like I say, I'm on the rose train now.

Maybe it's time to do it.

I actually didn't know he was on the rose train.

I'm on the rose train.

Until today.

There is some really good rose out there now.

There's some great rose.

Whispering Angel.

Don't mind if I do.

Whispering Angel?

Yeah.

There's one with a chicken on the front.

Have you had a chance?

Is that one?

I've not had the chicken.

It's a French one.

Oh, my God.

It's a really light.

It's like virtually not only ever so slightly pink.

No, because normally rose was like, oh my god, this looks like Tyson.

It's pink, yeah.

Yeah, why is it this colour?

No, it's just a blush.

You listen to the blush.

You just want to blush.

Join in, James.

I'm a shouting genie.

That's what I was going to say.

As opposed to a whispering angel, yeah.

Oh, okay.

I'm not like a whispering angel because I'm a shouting genie.

You don't need, you don't even need.

maybe that's what we could do.

We could create our own brand.

What kind of what?

Shouting genie.

Shouting genie.

And it comes out the bottle as well.

So that's

quite perfect, actually.

I think it would need some fizz.

Yeah, there we go.

Yeah, there would need to be a bit of fizz in there.

No one's done a fizzy red, a bubbly red, have they?

Bubbly red.

Actually, you can get a bubbly red, can you?

Yeah,

I think in Spain they do.

Like a fizzy red.

I have the craziest drink in Spain, right?

I don't know if I've probably spoken about this on the podcast before.

When I went on a Spanish Exchange, they were all drinking, I think it's called Calimacho.

Oh, God, that's gross.

That's red wine.

It's cheap red wine and coke.

You've never said this before.

Mixed together.

And they were getting absolutely shit faced on this.

My cousins drink that.

And it's not even cheap red wine.

They'll buy like a fairly decent bottle of red wine and then ruin it by putting because they don't.

What I find amazing is that they, in Spain, you can go to any supermarket, like little,

and you can buy like a really nice bottle of wine and be like, okay, so that's two Euros.

Yeah.

And think, oh, God, this is probably going to taste like absolute poison.

And then you drink it, you're like, this is really nice.

So they'll be buying wines like four, five, six euros.

So something presumably is a really good, yeah, reasonably good.

And then just putting fucking Coca-Cola in it.

It's mad.

It's like an alcohol, right?

It's like the kids are drinking it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But no, but the adults are drinking it.

It's just bizarre.

I don't get it.

I used to be.

When you've got such great things.

I used to drink calamatcho all the time, and then I gave it up.

And then five years later, I started drinking

diet calamatcho.

And it's uh, I mean, it just tastes like normal calamacho in it.

I am gutted because that means we have to put in that fucking anecdote again.

I just saw Benito really sadly cross out

that he was going to edit out the first time I said it, and now he's got to keep it in.

Bad up, Benito, I will always win.

So, we've got a lovely cold bottle of white wine, yeah,

a mole bra, perhaps, perhaps a mole bra, yeah, yeah, or or a very nice uh white Rioca.

Okay, Yeah.

Well, I mean, I might have to force you to choose between the two.

Okay.

What is drawing you towards the Riocco?

Is that?

Because the Marlboroughs can be a little bit heavy.

So maybe the Rioche might be a bit crisper.

Nice.

So, yeah.

Let's go for the Rioca.

Can I do that, Genie?

Yeah, yeah, you can do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can absolutely do it.

Are you...

Also, we've talked a lot on this podcast sometimes when people bring up wine.

If you're the person who would test, try the wine and do all that, and if you know what you're doing, you're talking in a way that makes me think you you would know what you were doing.

Well, I don't know if I like it.

And also, a lot of the time when they're asking you to try wine, it's kind of like

if you're asking me if I like this wine, or are you asking me if this wine has been corked, because that was always the point of trying the wine, was like they'd open it and then be like, just to make sure this hasn't gone off.

That's why you were trying it.

But now I feel like they're asking me to try something.

They've just taken the screw off the bottle.

And I'm like, dude, I'm going to drink this, whatever it tastes like.

But we can go through this, Sherard.

Okay.

It's lovely.

Do I know about I don't know anything about wine?

I just know about the one I like.

And I went, every time I've been to Australia, I've always gone on tours around vineyards

because I love getting shit-faced.

And

I find that if you go to those places, if you're not, if you kind of embrace it and you listen to them talking to you about the wine, then you can kind of pick up a little bit of bit of the parlay,

yeah, a bit of the lingo.

And you can kind of get an idea about if the grape is light or if it's quite a heavy grape or if it's oaky.

So I kind of know that, but that's about the limits.

But I'm not really into like finding out the minutiae or the chemical fucking balance of what a wine is.

But I kind of know the grapes that I like and the grapes I don't.

I'm not very keen on things like Chardonnay

on the whole, because they're just a little bit too heavy.

I'd go as cabinet, I'd go as Sauvignon Blanc would be as heavy as I go.

Right.

I think that's a really good level of knowledge.

I mean, that's more than most people I know.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we arrive at your desserts.

Are you much of a dessert?

You are, aren't you?

I love them.

You love a pudding.

I

do you know what?

There are days where I'm like, I'm totally down for this, but mostly not bothered.

I don't like, if we go out, if I go out for dinner, I never have a dessert.

I will have a dessert wine.

Yes.

Or I will have the cheese board.

More bread.

We are in.

Yes.

What are you about to do?

What kind of territory are we in?

What's your actual.

Oh, my God.

I don't know.

This feels tense.

I don't know if this is coming across in the break.

What's your choice?

What's your actual dessert that you're choosing now?

Well, I guess it'd be a cheese board.

Yes.

Yes!

I'm sensing, I don't know where I'm getting this from, but I'm sensing some kind of competition here.

And I'm sensing, James, that you may have lost.

Oh, I've lost everything.

James, can't bear the idea of anyone not having a sweet thing for dessert and having a cheeseboard.

Oh, really?

And that's what I

do it on a regular basis.

So you wouldn't have one either.

We went out for lunch at Tom Carriage's restaurant and I picked the cheeseboard and James was genuinely angry with me.

What did you pick?

I sat here with you, I asked you about your Hitsu wines.

I had fun of you, about fizzy wines.

Oh man, I feel like I had a real laugh with you.

This is a really tricky one.

You opened up about my psoriasis

and you sit there and you choose a goddamn cheese board for dessert.

Jeannie, be quiet.

I want to talk to Jen about what cheeses she likes.

Okay, right.

What's on the cheese board, Jen?

I

a mixture of the soft and the hard.

Excuse me, James.

So I would have like a really, I don't know, a really stinky

cambisola or something like that, or like a brie

or a camembert or something.

And then maybe like a harder cheese, like a grouy.

Yes, nice.

I also quite like a cheddar bomber.

Oh, okay, nice.

Now, just in case the listener doesn't know what's going on, every time Jen mentions a cheese, James blows a raspberry like an orangutan.

And does something with his thumb.

Yeah.

Okay, and then, yeah, so I'd have a mixture of those.

Tell me, tell me, Jen.

Yeah.

You say you like a crew, yeah.

Have you dipped your toes into the waters of comte before?

I have, and I love a comte as well.

I love a comte as well.

I love a comte.

A little bit nutty.

Very nutty.

Yeah.

Very well-aged comte.

Yeah, very delicious.

But what I insist on

whilst the genie dry wretch is in the corner is that will there be enough crackers for the cheese?

Because there are never as many crackers as you like.

You can even.

I don't know if anyone.

There's only enough crackers if your kids haven't been at

the oat crackers.

They're not here.

That's the only way I can enjoy this meal.

There you are.

Lucky.

Lucky.

Lucky for them, they're not here.

I hate them to see their mother make such an awful decision.

Are you having a chutney with it?

I'll have a chutney with it.

Just for the sweet bit, James.

No, okay, it's still not gone well.

I'll have a chutney.

That's the best part of what you've said so far.

You'd eat the chutney with a spoon.

I'll just put some sugar on the chutney and I'll eat that.

I'll sugar up the chutney and I'll just eat that.

Little sugary chutney.

Man, I love cheese so much.

What would have made you happy if I'd have said like...

Anything else in the world?

Custard?

Yep.

Okay.

Delighted.

Okay, can I have a check?

Anything that's an actual dessert?

You're having the cheese board.

You've already made the decision.

Oh, I can have like a little bowl of custard on the side.

That would be weird, I guess.

Yeah, it'd be pretty weird.

That would make me happy.

Or a pavlova.

I actually would go for a Pavlova.

If you're mixed, it's too late now.

If you bring an actual dessert into it and mix it with the cheese board, I will feel like it's disrespectful to the proper dessert.

Okay, so now it's too late.

I've gone.

No, you've gone cheeseboard.

I think a cheesebill

with a...

I'll always have an extra glass of red wine at the end of the meal, with the cheese board.

Perfect.

So this means I can introduce a glass of red wine at the end of the meal.

Of course, you can.

Because I've had a bottle of white.

Fuck it.

Let's have a glass of red with the cheese.

With the cheese.

Absolutely.

Because white wine doesn't go with cheeseboards.

No, absolutely not.

No, no.

Red wine.

Yeah, well, do what you want at this stage.

Yeah.

Have a red wine with your cheese board.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

I don't care.

Well, this.

This meal has been incredible.

I'm moisturized for this meal.

A lot of effort.

And I can't.

I think it was going so well.

And then I've lost you completely on the dessert.

You've lost me completely.

You've just got to chalk it up.

This has only happened once before.

Phillips picked the cheese board.

Who else was?

The MP, Jess Phillips.

I knew we had a lot in common.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I knew it.

And do you think James stayed respectful because she's an elected Member of Parliament?

No, he did not.

He screamed, fuck you, Jess, twice at the top of his voice.

Right, come on, you grumpy waiter.

Water, you would like sparkling water.

Lovely.

Coppernums or bread.

Big, hunky granary loaf with salted butter.

Starter.

Oh, that's fresh out of the the oven as well, the bread is.

Starter.

Champagne oysters with rose that your brother took you for.

Yeah.

Main course, you'll like some Malay curry with prawn, crab, six crabs in there.

Wang, six of them in there, you said.

Some from a street food market in Southeast Asia.

Side dish, you'll like some deep-fried tofu with chili and spring onion.

Drink, you'll like a very dry white wine with Rioca.

And for dessert, you can go fuck yourself.

I think that's an amazing meal, and it finishes very strongly.

Yes, well, statistically, you're still winning, James.

Yeah, statistically, in this podcast, you're still winning.

It's only two for head.

And I'm very respectful when guests pick a single dish.

Yeah, that's because it's not, you don't feel as strongly about it.

This is like, you know, how big a defeat this is for me.

Yeah, I love it.

I'll go back into that lamp now.

I'm worried about if we do go out for dinner, I'm going to just have to have a pudding.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

We're getting a cheese board.

Oh.

Thank you very much, Jen.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, and it's a victory for Team Cheese.

Shut up, shut your face.

Oh, so happy.

Such a relief when I find a fellow cheese buddy.

I can't believe it.

So long, it's not, no one's picked it, and now I've had two.

Yeah, two now.

Sorry, man.

Oh, people love cheese.

These are dark days.

People, it's bright days for me.

Lovely, cheesy, bright days.

I feel like it's 2016 all over again, and the referendum results are coming in.

But all that aside, she was a wonderful guest anyway, James.

Sure, sure, sure.

No, she was.

She was brilliant.

If you like the sound of Jenny, check her out.

Go and look on her Twitter at JemBrister on the tweets.

She's absolutely marvellous.

In terms of our stuff, go on my social media, at Ed Gamble Comedy,

and have a look at that.

I've got loads of stuff going on.

Congratulations.

I have a comedy special available on Amazon.

If you're an Amazon subscriber, go and check that out.

Hot Diggity Dog.

Hot Diggity Dog is the name of the special.

Is it?

No, that would be a great name, though, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Too late.

Too late.

Go and check out my special.

James, what are you up to, my friend?

My name is James A.

Caster, and I've got a book out called Perfect Sound Whatever about how 2016 is the greatest year for music of all time.

What a great guy.

What a great, great guy.

Also, though, congratulations to Jen for not saying unpopped popcorn kernels.

Thank the Lord.

She did not say it.

She remained in the restaurant for the whole episode.

Thank you so much, Jen.

Uh,

if you enjoyed this, we're never making the secret ingredient cheese.

I saw that, I saw you work that out.

That if you made the secret ingredient cheese, then you could kick people out.

Absolutely not happening today.

I'm gonna get you to do it.

No, you're not.

Absolutely not.

You will do it one day.

If you like this podcast and you're not subscribed to it, what the blooming hell are you playing at?

Subscribe, review, chuck it five stars

and tell your friends.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you another time in the dream restaurant.

hello i'm your dad's friend lou sanders and i've launched a new podcast called cuddle club

It's better than it sounds actually.

I talked to special guests about cuddling.

Hmm, there's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself.

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It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download.

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Of course it is.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Offmenu Podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.