Ep 52: Sara Pascoe

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

There's nothing like sinking into luxury.

At washable sofas.com, you'll find the Anibay sofa, which combines ultimate comfort and design at an affordable price.

And get this: it's the only sofa that's fully machine washable from top to bottom, starting at only $699.

The stain-resistant performance fabric slip covers and cloud-like frame duvet can go straight into your wash.

Perfect for anyone with kids, pets, or anyone who loves an easy-to-clean, spotless sofa.

With a modular design and changeable slip covers, you can customize your sofa to fit any space and style.

Whether you need a single chair, love seat, or a luxuriously large sectional, Anibay has you covered.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your home.

Right now, you can shop up to 60% off store-wide with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Add a little

to your life.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Ooh, this podcast looks delicious.

Could you grate some extra humor over the top?

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

It's Ed Gamble here.

James Aincaster here, laughing at Ed's intro.

Yeah, good intro.

I do one for you, really, James.

Yeah, well, absolutely.

Never get anything off Bonito.

Look at him.

So we're here back again in the Dream Restaurant with another special guest.

And what are we going to be asking the special guest, James?

We'll be asking them how their day has been.

Also, we'll be asking them what their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink are.

We will be doing all of those things.

We always ask the guest how their day is, but we'll just cut that out at the beginning.

Yes, we often do that before the podcast.

Before the podcast starts, I don't want anyone thinking that they sit down and we don't say anything until the recording starts.

We always ask them how their day's been, how they're doing.

Yeah, we have a general chat, but we don't include that because it's not food-themed.

And our special guest this week, who we ask will be asking how their day is, who their day is.

Who's your day?

How's your day?

Why's your day?

Where's your day?

Sarah Pascoe.

Sarah Pasco, that's who the special guest is.

Very exciting to have Sarah Pasco here.

A wonderful comedian, author, and famous Veegues.

She is a famous Vegues.

Will she be Vegues in the Reigu's?

Restaurant.

Restaurant is what Mark.

Oh, Rigu's is short for restaurant, is it?

Regal restaurant.

Regal.

Regal, the Reiguz Res.

I don't know if she'll be Vegues in the restaurant, but there's one thing that if she says it in her famous dream meal, then she will be removed from the restaurant.

One ingredient that if she says it, she will be out on her ass.

And what will that ingredient be today, James?

Salmon skin.

Salmon skin.

Now, I know she's Vegues, but sometimes vegs do stray from being vegs.

And I think it'd be really fun to really punish her for that.

Yes, absolutely.

So if she says salmon skin, and I'm not talking about crispy salmon skin, I'm talking about when you get maybe a salmon steak or salmon fillet, and it's got the skin still on it, and they've not made any effort to crisp it up, and it's all globby.

It's a globby old skin on the bottom.

It tastes like skin.

Yep, it's horrible.

You have to peel the meat off it.

It's awful.

You feel like something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

It's just not, none of it's nice.

And if that's still on her plate, yeah.

She picks salmon.

Yeah.

Then already the vegs are going to be angry.

But then if we're like, is there skin on that?

And look, she might pick salmon because I get a lot of people saying, why haven't you had a vegan on yet?

Sure.

And I have to point out, we've had Lou Sanders.

It's not our fault she picked mussels.

Yeah, it's not our fault she picked mussels and then also every other food in the world.

Yeah, so Lou Sanders is vegan.

She picked mussels.

So salmon skin, possibly Sarah's going to say it.

So let's listen to the off-menu menu of Sarah Pasco.

Sarah Pasco, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello.

Hello.

Thank you for having me.

Welcome, Sarah Pasco.

Good to see you.

Now, hi.

If you don't know,

James is the waiter in the dream restaurant.

But he's on fire.

He's on fire because he is

a genie.

Oh, wow.

Get you any food from any time, any place that you've ever, anywhere in the world.

Am I the only customer in the restaurant?

You are the only, unless you want other people there.

Can I bring my puppy?

You can bring your puppy.

So it's me, Ed, my puppy, and a genie.

Yeah.

Yes.

But I don't even have to be here.

I can just be in and out.

No, I want you to be here as well.

Okay, cool.

Because I'm a genie.

If you like, the puppy can talk.

Up to you.

I'm be scared of what he'd say.

Yeah.

I think if most puppies could talk, they'd probably say,

you're a bit much.

much.

Yeah.

Leave me alone.

I'm trying to sleep.

It's nice, but I need some alone time.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got a very cute puppy I've seen.

He's very cute.

Social media

pictures of this puppy.

And he's pretty adorable.

He'd be really great company at the restaurant.

Do you think?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

What sort of things would he do that make him great restaurant company?

He'd really wag his tail every time a course came out and really be like, oh, what's this?

What's this?

And then I think that would really boost the chef's confidence.

Even before the puppy tasted it, he was excited.

Because you only want a smaller dish for your puppy, a serving for your puppy as well.

I think so.

I think

people, I know it's an empty restaurant, but people really kind of don't like dogs eating from the table.

I've noticed.

But this is, look, this is the dream restaurant.

If you want your puppy sat on the table or on a little chair.

Yeah, all of us on the floor in baskets.

Do you want to be able to?

Yeah.

Sorry, I didn't consider that, but yeah,

you can, absolutely.

You can have whatever.

It's a big basket and we're all on the floor.

Okay, cool.

Perfect.

Yeah, that's nice.

And when we ask you for your Dreamstarter main side dessert and drink,

would you like your puppy to have the same or will you be choosing an easy thing?

He'll like some meat

and I don't want any meat.

Because you're a vegan.

I'm a vegan, yeah.

But

he only really eats meat.

Right, okay.

So he would just love just some chicken.

Okay.

Every course.

Every course, yeah.

A bit of chicken.

Have you tried to feed him any vegan things?

No, I haven't.

No.

No, I mean, you must get this sometimes.

I have some angry vegans messaging me daily about it and how I should just feed him a vegan diet and it's very healthy for dogs or cats or whatever some people argue but he likes meat sure yes dog yeah it's his it's his it's his choice yeah sure if he grows up and decides to be a vegan yeah I'll respect his wishes

comes up to you one day yeah is there like

like vegan pet food that specifically comes up as you release

yeah there are because also some dogs and cats have allergies to all kinds of things like gluten and fish and all kinds of things like that.

So there is vegan for health reasons and some for ethical reasons.

What's quite good about dogs though, and actually this might be useful for your restaurant, is they can eat all of the bits of animals people don't want to eat.

So in a way, they eat all of the offal and

bits of horses and stuff.

So none of it goes to waste.

Exactly, exactly.

Yeah.

The hooves.

The hooves.

So

there's you, and you, when you say one big basket, are you all in the same basket?

Me, Ed, and the puppy are in the basket.

The genie's genie's floating above.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because he's at work.

Yeah, yeah, I'm at work.

I don't work at the bottom.

Don't lounge around.

There's nothing worse than a waiter sitting with you.

It's so uncomfortable.

I don't really like them talking.

Is that bad?

Not you, but when they just try and ask how you are.

Yeah.

It's so hard.

Do you prefer just a silent waiter walking over to you and then you say the order and then?

I like what you get in, you know, like a ping pong where you just do it with the pencil on the menu and just hand it in.

That is good.

I really like that.

There's another place.

Bow, have you been to Bao before?

That does that system.

Daitin Fong does that system as well.

It's great.

All in a list, and you just tick next to what you want.

And then, if you're talking to someone, the conversation isn't interrupted, it doesn't feel rude.

You talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about what you want to eat, pass it over.

What a wonderful system.

I feel much less shame ordering too much in that scenario as well, because it doesn't look like I put three in the box.

I don't even care.

Just hand it in.

Yeah, they can go away and judge you in a different room.

It's fine.

I don't think restaurants judge you on how much food you eat.

No,

I look for them looking at me like I've ordered too much.

Oh, really?

Quite often, if it's like a small plate situation, I'll just keep ordering until I can see the waiter's face go like change or like his eyes widen.

I'll be like, I'm going to stop there.

Oh, really?

Isn't that interesting?

Because what I have is, because I'm newly wealthy, I love to order too much.

It's like, why not eat it?

Oh, I just just want you to bring it to me now.

Yeah.

I don't like it when the waiter

basically doesn't torture you the whole night and then right at the end,

they give you the card machine and you put your card in it and then it's like going, I've been looking fun after this.

Hey, you're looking like a pretty fun guy.

Yeah.

That's a really fun plan.

And then you'll curve up, have a night, oh, that was nice of them.

And then you look at the screen and it says, Do you want to add a tip?

And you're like, you motherfucker.

Like, you.

Do you ever call them on it?

Like, I know what you're doing.

I wish I was brave enough to be like, oh, fuck you, Han.

Now you're my friend.

Yeah.

When this was coming up, you're coming clubbing with us.

Here's £12 to spend, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

right so we always start with choice of two waters still or sparkling so and i can only have one you can only have one and it's for me and the puppy because he won't like sparkling water so i'm gonna get still water now but you can

have sparkling yeah

you can have sparkling if you want sparkling we will give the puppy the puppy doesn't have to have exactly what okay great honestly i think sparkling then yeah yeah

i think everyone would ask for i mean it's such a luxury what a lovely sacrifice you're we're going to make for your puppy there.

Yeah.

What would happen to a puppy?

I hope he's listening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He appreciates that.

What would happen to a puppy if they drank sparkling water?

I imagine, as someone who has to pick up his feces,

there would be nothing noticeable, but I'd pay for it the next day.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

It would irritate his sparkling.

Yeah.

Fizzy poo.

Turn the feces into fizzies.

Fizzies.

Yeah.

Yeah, is that right?

Faces.

Yeah, you've made it sound much better.

Yeah,

I enjoy picking it up now.

Because of the word play.

So you got sparked in.

Yeah.

Puppy's got still.

Yeah.

Probably a little slice of lime in there.

In yours or the puppies?

Mine.

Yours?

Yeah.

But the puppy wouldn't like the lime, would it?

Find for lime.

Yeah.

If you put...

a slice of lime in a puppy's water dish do you think the puppy would immediately go for the lime because it's just i want to yeah novelty novelty absolutely But then, and it's really sweet if he eats something that he doesn't because he eats a lot off the floor, actually.

And so, first thing is put it in your mouth.

And the next thing is, do I like the taste of this?

And actually, watching him going,

I don't think I do enjoy the sleeve flavour, it's quite adorable.

Yes, it is quite cute, isn't it?

Citrus flavours, especially, I think.

Very tangy, I think.

I mean, there's a lot of videos on YouTube of babies eating lemons for the first time, which is,

I'd recommend that as a video stream because the faces they make are absolutely hilarious.

It's like they've been tricked for the first time.

I like it when they're in tunnels and it goes dark and then light again.

That's the best time to watch a baby.

Is that another YouTube compilation?

Oh, there's loads of YouTube as well, guys.

It also doesn't matter what the baby is, they will all react in the same way to be like, where's the sun?

Oh my god, it's so bright.

Babies are quite thick, so it's quite funny to see them react to stuff.

If I ever have a baby, I'm going to film it as we go into a tunnel and give it a lemon.

Yeah.

And then just see.

it earlier

as the closer at the end.

Just as it comes out, everything happened at once.

That's a guaranteed viral hit.

Yeah, everything people want to do.

And then I can just, yeah, then get rid of the baby, I guess, put it up for sale or something.

Don't need it after that.

It's a famous baby if you're selling it.

Oh, yeah.

So you're going to make a lot of money after I've done all that stuff.

So, sparking for use.

Yes, please.

Do you want still water from a bottle for the puppy?

Or just tap water?

Tap water.

Just tap water.

Yeah.

But that would also be if that was a human.

That's not because I don't think puppies deserve bottled water.

Okay.

I think tap water is absolutely fine in a restaurant.

And do you see still bottled water as a scam, as a con?

No, not as a con.

Not as a con.

Just an unnecessary expense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I yeah, I'm always tap.

Yeah.

I'm tap-taped at the bottom.

Something about tap water in restaurants, they put ice in it.

It's nice.

It's much nice.

I wouldn't drink from the tap at home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you not drink from the tap at home?

No, I've got a Britter filter.

So you put the tap water in there and then comes out.

I've never used a Britter filter.

I'm fine with the

straight from the tap.

It depends so much on your pipes.

It really does.

It really does.

I say that a lot.

That's true.

And also North and South London, it makes a big difference because of the soil.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So you north London?

Yeah.

See, I'm South.

Oh, delicious water.

So am I going to have to

bring your Britter with you?

Pack your Britter filter.

I'll drink up the tap for you.

No, but I'd be really interested if you do notice a difference.

Your kettle will get much more lime scaly.

Oh, god damn it.

I knew I shouldn't have asked you to.

But there's benefits to North London as well.

Sure.

What are the benefits though?

Because at the moment you're just.

Hampstead Heath.

You can go to the heath.

I suppose I could swim in the ponds.

Swim in the ponds.

Don't drink the water.

Don't drink the ponds.

The favourite lime scale in the ponds, yeah.

Pop lobs on bread.

Pop lobs on bread, Sarah.

Pop lobs on bread.

This is the bit I knew was going to happen.

Absolutely bread.

Yeah,

I've known you to turn up at gigs with loaves of bread.

Once you turn up.

Once I did.

But it has happened.

Again, as I say, I'm newly wealthy, and there's a loaf of bread that costs nearly five pounds.

It's so nice.

And I was going to do a gig, it was such a lovely lineup.

You know, it's so rare that you go, oh my god, I get to actually see my friends.

And I think it was a charity gig, so we were like helping survivors of traumatic assaults and seeing my friends.

And so I thought, I'll get Tim and James a nice loaf of this.

I spent £9 and two loaves of bread and then took it to my friends.

And you bought them a loaf of bread?

Yeah, but

it didn't look like that much.

It just looks like a sliced loaf of bread.

And I said, it's really great.

And then your flatmate said the next day, didn't they, what a nice bread it was.

And they didn't even know that I bought it special.

They did immediately, because

they got up and helped themselves some bread and were like, where did you get this?

This is amazing.

And I was like, right, let Sarah know.

Instantly a hit in the flat.

It's rude that they helped themselves to the bread.

Well, that's just a thing in our flat.

Communal bread.

Yeah, also, I think normally with loaves of bread, I'm like, I'm not going to eat that all before it all goes mouldy.

So I've just got, I've always had the blanket rule.

Help yourself to whatever bread.

What a great flat mate, James must be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm living on my own now, though.

Oh.

So I have to say that stuff to myself.

Keeping all the bread to yourself.

Now I am just like eating bread like a madman.

Still communal bread.

Freezing some of it sometimes, end of the life.

Sure, actually, do you know what?

I don't think

sometimes Ben gets annoyed at me for saying like boring stories or boring nutrition.

Called him Ben, isn't it?

Benito, apologies.

And

what I'm about to say is probably really going to tick him off, but since I've lived on my own, I've liked to have what?

A loaf of bread.

What's boring about that?

That's a bombshell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're pretty interesting.

How long have you lived?

How long since you bought a loaf of bread?

One year.

And your papa dumbs every day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not like a nickname

choice.

But yeah, I haven't bought a loaf of bread in a year.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, you've had bread.

Yeah, but I haven't bought it, had it right.

But you just eat it on the way home, right?

Yeah, sure.

It's like a duck where people like just throw it to you.

Yeah, yeah, just gobble it down.

Yeah.

So, is this special five-pound loaf of bread?

Is this the bread you'd like with your drink?

I'd actually really love to have that, yeah.

And where is this bread from?

Okay, you can get it at Whole Foods,

but it's from a chain called Paul's.

Okay.

And it's a sourdough, but it tastes like white bread and it's sliced.

So it's sourdough farmhouse.

Look, guys, I know if you're listening to this at home going, £4.50 for a loaf of bread, that's ridiculous.

Just club together with your friends, make a few cheese sandwiches.

And then you'll go, oh my god, it's amazing.

And because it's sourdough, it's low GI, which means that if you have problems with your sugar levels, like you're a type 2 diabetic or something, it's a good bread.

Yes.

It was delicious.

Also, I think that week I kept on trying it with different stuff stuff because I was like, I want to get the most out of this exciting bread.

Yeah, it's exciting.

So, I loaded different spreads on it, sandwiches, some of us on its own, toasted it.

And in your experimentation,

what was the best thing to go on the bread?

Do you know what?

I think it's often the way with stuff that's just like naturally just quite delicious anyway.

I just liked it toasted with some butter on it.

I think that is the best way to have bread, actually.

If the bread's good, you don't need to add anything to your bread.

If the bread's good and you like the butter, there's a really good vegan butter.

I'm not vegan anymore, Sarah.

I'm going to let you know that.

I hate that.

Sorry, I kept looking at you then.

Yeah, yeah.

Drop that bombshell on you.

You also looked at me when you said type 2 diabetics.

I didn't want to look at Ed.

So his type 1 is so different.

So, but you don't have to be vegan to enjoy really tasty things.

True, but I just wanted to let you know early Jordan.

In case I kept saying

kept referencing me, but I'll just let you know that's not the case anymore.

You can eat some other dog's chicken, it's absolutely fine.

You could have sprinkle it on your meal.

Perfect.

Yeah, it's a really good one anyway.

So you would like,

and is that how you would like it, just with butter?

Toasted with butter.

Toasted with butter.

With this vegan block, it's called it's solid, and it tastes just like the vegan block.

Yeah,

and yeah, bread and butter.

So your starter, we come to the starter now, the first of the biggins.

Okay.

Right.

I really like wagamama.

Do you like wagamama?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

I'll give an honest answer.

I loved it at first.

I went off of it.

But then the last meal I had at Welcome, because my parents wanted to go in Leamington Spa.

Oh, yeah.

They gigged there.

They came along.

And they won me back.

What did you want me?

So they've got some new dishes on there now.

Yeah.

And like, had some nice beefy stuff.

They've got some good new dishes.

So.

I mean, in terms of like restaurants that are in every kind of town centre.

Yeah.

I think they're a really good chain restaurant.

Yeah, I think they were.

Were they like one of the first chains to really up their vegan game as well them and preta manga basically but big companies who could afford to yeah because i think they knew that it would also pay off and if things taste really good it doesn't matter to people exactly yeah um aren't plant-based um but wag and mama have a yasai tami

and the soup of it is just the nicest balance of like coconutty creamy sauce but also a little bit of chili little bit of lime pack choy and i don't ever eat the noodles i just want the soup bit for my starter right so that's what i think about this restaurant is the genie can go like no noodles noodles, don't make it a full meal, just have a delicious juice.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you want just the juice soup.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Of the soup.

Yeah.

This is great because this is someone using the dream restaurant concept to its fullest and separating out something.

Yeah.

Get those noodles out and just the juice of the soup.

You don't want to place the noodles with anything?

You don't want to like go to another chain and pick something out of there and put it in the soup?

No.

No.

Because I'm going to have it separate because it's three courses.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sure.

We've got three courses.

Do you remember the first time you went to Wagamama?

I think it was pretty late on, you know.

I don't think I was hitting up Wagamama early doors.

I remember it felt so newfangled.

The kind of place where someone else, I went there with someone else's parents, and his parents didn't want to sit near other people.

And it was like, what is this?

What are these long benches?

It's a shock.

It's a real shock.

Yeah, and then it was too spicy for them and we had to leave.

Oh, really?

We had to leave Wagamama.

I think that was

a bit like Leimington Spa.

We were in

Kent.

What begins with a T?

Tunbridge Wells?

Tunbridge Wells.

Tunbridge Wells, Wagner.

It is a bit like Leamington Spa.

Yeah.

I did a gig in Tunbridge Wells once supporting Jenny Aclaire and it is the hardest death I have ever had in my life.

It's a place to die at Tunbridge Wells.

It was like a pure pure silence.

20 minutes of pure silence and I couldn't see any of them.

Yeah.

So when I came off I was like is there anyone there?

Yeah that would be such a funny prank if we go to do Lemcur.

Now this is very interesting the story from Ed because we had Jay Raymond on the podcast.

Oh, yeah.

And as his dessert, he chose McClaire.

Yeah.

And Ed said he doesn't like Eclair's.

And now, I think we've got to the root of it.

Of course, I like Jelly.

As a psychologist, you like Jelly, but you had a bad experience.

Yeah, Jelly.

You associated the two things.

But you're thinking about Eclair's on stage the whole time, and now you can't eat Eclairs anymore.

Of course, you can't.

I also supported her at Bath Comedia, and they didn't.

Well, you never have a bath.

That's what it's actually dirty.

Why?

He doesn't like Eclairs.

know in the dog bed.

And it was very warm and there were some flies in the venue and it was going so badly that a fly landed on the microphone and you could hear the fly.

And then I went, oh imagine if you could hear what the fly was thinking through the microphone.

And then I went,

it's not going very well.

That's funny.

Yeah, they didn't enjoy that.

Absolutely 100% service humour.

Yeah, well, my favourite thing to do is to imagine what animals are saying to me.

I should be the only person in both of your gigs just like laughing it.

I've never seen you, Sarah Pasco, look at an animal and not immediately either say what it's thinking, do an impression of it talking, or talk to it like it's a person, go, what are you doing there?

What's going on?

I mean, you laugh like he's a lot of people.

I was thinking that on the way here, and the odd thing about having the dog living with me now is actually I'm doing it a lot less.

Okay.

Especially because he chases the birds.

Right, I think.

He chases, chases, he's very sweet in the garden.

Anything that flies upwards, he thinks he can fly to.

He doesn't know yet.

So, butterflies and bees, he's always trying to launch himself up with them to follow them.

I know, it's so lovely.

So, you don't talk to him.

I mean, I remember when we first saw him, you were talking a lot to him.

Oh, no, he and I talk.

I mean, we're lots of animals.

All the other animals have been chased away, so you can't talk about it.

When you say he and I talk, yeah, I mean, I talk to him, right?

Yeah, my puppy trainer says that we've got bad codependency issues because

I had to get a puppy trainer because whenever I had a bath, because I've never had a bag in there,

he just sits there and he just looks at me and he just barks at me, really.

That's the only time he just barking, barking, barking.

So, but a puppy trainer to deal with behavioural stuff.

And she said, Oh, is that the only time you're not playing with him?

And I was like, Yeah.

And so, I've got to ignore him sometimes.

Oh, wow.

To get him used to the whole shoulder really hard.

How's that going?

I'm lying to the puppy trainer.

I'm like, Yeah, I've blanked him all day.

Baths are easy now, don't worry about that.

Just get him him in with me.

Just get him in with me.

So, your main course, Sarah Pasco.

Yeah, here we go.

So, that's a lovely soup, lovely mug and mama's soup to start.

Yeah,

what's going to come afterwards?

So, now I'm going for another chain restaurant.

This is that thing, actually, I think it's about being a comic, is because we do gig all over the place.

If you love something from somewhere, especially as a vegan, have this gratitude.

So, Leon have a love burger, and it's vegan, it has vegan cheese, and it has vegan mayonnaise in it.

It's got all the stuff of a normal burger rather than like you're missing something, and they're so nice.

The first time I had one, I cried halfway through because it was going to finish, and I was just so happy that it existed and existed somewhere.

I can get one everywhere now.

And now I have a rule: I do not pass a Leon without getting one.

That's difficult in central London.

It's I'm eating a lot of burgers, but that's how you show corporate gratitude.

So, you always have to go in and get a love love burger.

Yeah.

What is it about the, so I've never had a love burger.

Okay, okay, so and also I've I haven't had a non-vegan burger for a long time.

So you do forget what things taste like.

But the really great thing about, especially if you want like fast food, it's the condiments.

It's the gherkins, the cheese, the mayonnaise, the lettuce.

It's the whole thing rather than just the patty.

I think love burger is a combination between a very, very meaty tasting.

patty right yeah and and everything else just being like a Big Mac kind of like it's delicious yeah yeah I find that with a lot of the like the best vegan food I've had it's like the sauce is better than any sauce I've had on any meat dish yeah it's like there's a fried chicken place in Hackney called um temple of Satan and and again I haven't had normal fried chicken so I'm only unless people are very patronizing to vegans who they sit there going yeah it's so it's so tasty but the way that they've flavoured the batter it's just they put their effort in yeah which is like I think so many places like that's the it's a bit of a cheat code now you gotta go go and get the V option, the Veggie option, because, like, the flavours aren't Byron have just started doing the Impossible Burger.

Oh, yeah.

And I had one the other night.

Absolutely phenomenal.

You can really recreate just the taste of like, because it's properly charred and it really tastes like a British barbecue burger.

It's really, really good.

Yeah, so Tesco are selling those burgers.

You can buy two for yourself.

And it is, if you do, if you grill them right, amazing.

I would like to bring up the Impossible Burger, but make it impossible to eat.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Imagine that.

Imagine if it was all made of plastic and it was like

that's what I meant by impossible bad luck.

Yeah, or a really hard crossword you have to do to get it unlocked the packet.

Yeah,

so just watch it rot inside and you can't do the crosswords.

It's crisscross lasers moving around it and stuff like that.

You've got to get through the lasers.

Yeah, or just

the person at the till has a riddle.

Yeah.

And so you can't even pay for it.

If you want really good.

Quite a high price point on those with all the lasers and stuff.

So

impossible financially.

But because they're living self-service now, you do need something for the staff to do, or they're going to lose their jobs.

So I think riddles is perfect.

Riddles is a good one, isn't it?

Yeah.

Ah, I see.

You are buying the impossible burger.

Yeah.

They've all got to grow like long moustaches that they can twiddle as well.

Yeah.

When they do the riddles for you, because otherwise I don't buy it.

Yeah.

And what are those really sticks with the bendy bits at the top?

Crooks?

Crooks.

And they've like bang them on the floor.

Yeah.

Wrong again?

Banging the conveyor.

You've got to go back to the end of the conveyor belt.

And everyone's behind you is like, oh, it's so easy.

And then they get there.

And actually, the stress of it, the pressure, when you're actually at the front end of the table, you can't go.

And they change the riddle.

It'd be great, because then this old riddler at one point, if you do get the riddle right,

yes, you may buy the impossible.

And then they have to go, do you have any nectar points?

Do you have a nectar card?

And I just do all the rest of the normal stuff.

That's all IP.

It's a £30 limit on contactless.

Which is such a silly rule.

It is a silly rule.

Apple Pay is up to £100.

But not in Tesco.

Not in Tesco.

That's the stupid rule.

Yeah.

Why is it?

Why do they have that rule?

Just

a lot of people.

They think they're special.

They just

try to stand out in the supermarket game.

It's annoying.

Is it just because in these days if someone nicks it, they tell one and go on an absolute spree?

Yeah.

You can't nick it because it's a fingerprint over 30.

So with Apple Pay, it's your fingerprint no matter how much you're paying.

Oh, is it?

Which is why it can go up to 100.

So I haven't done that.

You've not done it?

No.

How are you paying for things?

That's what I went to.

If the government wants your fingerprints, they'll get them.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, I think I gave them.

While I was a kid.

It's fingerprints to get into Universal Studios as well in Florida.

They take your fingerprint and then you can get in different things like that.

And I was there with a friend who's quite sort of a bit of a hippie and quite sort of wary of the government.

She was going, I'm not taking my fingerprint.

They're going to give it to the government.

But she said all that while she was, you know, putting her fingerprint in and then getting on a ride.

Yeah.

Completely like, ah, having the best type of her life.

What's in the actual patty?

Do you know what the patty is made of?

I think most vegan food is, they say they call it something like texturised soya, which is amazing, how many things they can make from that little bean.

But often it's just gluten.

Yeah.

Like the fried chicken and stuff, it's just very, very strong because gluten is so gluey that actually, if you get enough of it together, it's quite chewy and

you can flavour it, yeah.

You almost turn into a little poem there.

Yeah,

all the gluten together is quite gluey, and when you put it all together, it can be quite chewy.

Chewy, and then that's the third line is the riddle.

And if we want one,

what were you doing?

Oh, I love what were you doing?

What were you doing?

What were you doing?

Very good riddle.

Yeah, it's a good viddel.

So, I mean, that's a very nice.

And I also,

I maybe have never seen you eat a burger.

I don't want to mimit for you now.

Let's take a few as a burger person.

Well, because there's never been a good one before.

Yeah, yeah.

I once had a, I was at a Port Elliott Literary Festival

years and years ago with Joel Dommit and George Rigold.

Yeah, Toby.

And Toby.

And we thought we were buying regular burgers, but we weren't.

Literary burgers.

There was a portable mushroom with some balloumi.

No, but this is an outrage.

And they call it a burger.

I once bought a cauliflower steak.

Yes.

And I was imagining they've made a steak out of.

And it's not, it's a slice of fucking cauliflower on the plate for £12.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the same as a steak.

It's just

don't use the word steak, willy-lily.

Did they ask you if you wanted it medium rare?

They didn't.

They didn't.

It was Deliveroo.

So I had no one to even complain about.

You You got a slice of cauliflower from Deliveroo.

How quickly did that Deliveroo driver run away after handing you the box?

He knew what he was up to.

And then he looked at you and went, sucker!

Was that the end of your story, by the way?

Yeah.

Well, there wasn't really much else to it.

I mean, for the rest of the day,

because it was Joel Dobbitt, Joel kept on going,

silly voice and singing, I thought it was a burger, but it was a mushroom.

And it really made me laugh all day, so we kept on doing it.

But I I couldn't look at Sarah while I sang that because I felt really silly.

I think it's a really lovely story.

What sauces in the love burger?

Sauces in the love burger.

I believe there's two.

I think they have a burger sauce, which is,

you know, like a burger sauce, like the pinky one.

Yeah.

And then I think there's ketchup as well.

But if not, it's mayonnaise and ketchup.

Burger sauce is a mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise.

Is that what it is?

Or was that island dressing?

No, salad cream.

Yeah, burger sauce isn't mixed.

Mary Rose was that.

That's the one that's salad cream and ketchup.

Okay.

Yeah.

Which is mind-blowing.

Yeah, yeah, isn't it?

Very nice.

Who thought that up?

Fan Tabasco, right?

You'll put some Tabasco.

Oh, do you?

Into Mary Rose.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Really?

Wouldn't you do?

Maybe in like fancy places.

I've never had it in that before.

That's quite nice.

Get that thrown back in my face.

Maybe in one of your fancy places, though.

Maybe at Hogwarts.

Ever wonder why you have insurance for your car or home, but not your digital life?

Meet Webroot Total Protection, your digital bodyguard that is built for real life.

Webroot takes the guessing game out of cybersecurity so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With Webroot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 U.S.-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo to get 50% off today.

Live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your side dish to go with this love burger.

Hmm.

See, I wouldn't normally order a side dish.

I mean, it feels extravagant, doesn't it?

I don't think it has to feel extravagant.

You don't think it has to feel extravagant?

I'm just trying to think of the kind of things that people have on the side of things.

Oh, this is great.

Normally, we have people have like a side dish that's like the best side they've had, but you are trying to imagine what it's like.

You're new to the world of sides and you're trying to

replicate what other people do.

I've seen it happen.

Obviously, people get chips, they get fries, but you only ever want three or four.

You don't want a whole plate of them.

That's not a universal object.

That is not a universal observation.

Yeah, you really try to sell that as a universal observation.

Most people like loads and loads of chips.

Do they?

And I think you only like three or four.

Yes.

Do you know what?

I think then I think ordering chips is my version of your thing of that's where someone will judge.

Because obviously, what I was eating at school or whatever, when I felt very weight conscious, something about eating chips, there was this awful song called You Fat Bastard.

Yeah.

And people would sing it.

Was that the pies one?

That is, that's how it ends, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But in your school, you knew it was a You Fat Bastard.

You wrote a song.

That's one of the earliest riddles I learned.

It's very quickly solved that mystery, isn't it?

Yeah, because

it's you.

If you're not singing it.

If they're asking you.

It's you, they mean.

So I think ordering chips is that's the thing of going like, I'm absolutely fine in myself, and I can eat all of these.

Whereas if you eat chips or fries from somebody else's plate, you're saying, oh, I'll perhaps taste a bit of potato, but I'm one of those people that couldn't possibly.

if stand-up comedy is to be believed, there's like a gender thing on this where women don't order things

and then their partner.

Is that a thing in your experience?

No, sometimes, but I also do that as well.

Yeah.

I didn't think it was gendered.

No, I don't.

I mean, that's the truth.

That's the like, that's the stereotypical way of putting it, isn't it?

Yeah.

I once heard a guy at the comedy store, and he said, Isn't it weird how women always have sandwiches in their bags?

Everyone went mental, like clapping so their hands would fall off, like someone's finally said it.

Women always have sandwiches.

Victoria Corn Mitchell would have applauded that.

Yeah, we've interviewed her on this podcast.

She always takes a sandwich in her bag to dinner parties in case she doesn't like the food so she can eat a sandwich.

That's so Victoria Corrinchell.

I once, you know what?

It's like with a book.

So

I'd met her at a party and got really well.

She used to do stand-up comedy.

She was a teenager.

So we had this brilliant conversation and then we stayed in contact and then I said, Can I send you an advance of my book?

And she went, I'm so sorry, I just won't read it.

She said, I just read a book, it was really good, it's by a Reverend Richard Coles, and I probably won't read another one for a year.

So

I don't want to disappoint you.

If you wanted me to read it, I won't.

And I was like, okay, I won't send it.

Yeah, so I could absolutely imagine her just blatantly in front of someone who's spent all day cooking being like, I'm just going to unwrap this.

Oh, no, she goes to the toilet to eat the sandwich.

Hides in the toilet and eats the sandwich.

Wow.

Coming back from the toilet, I'm full now.

What have you been doing?

That's crumbs.

Yeah.

So you're still...

Sorry, so

some other examples of sides.

Mashed potato with gravy.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm laughing at you.

Remembering a dish

as it's happening.

In real time.

Remembering the dish exists.

Mashed potatoes are brilliant.

Yes.

Yeah, and that's a better way to eat chips.

Is that something you'd...

It's not a way of eating chips, I wouldn't eat chips.

Explain it to him.

Explain it to him.

Okay.

All right.

So

chips are cooked potatoes.

I know all this.

Yeah.

I was just saying

I would probably put it as it's a better way of eating potatoes.

Potatoes, okay.

That's because, okay, so some people are essentialists and they see chips as always

potatoes, no matter how they're served.

I see the potato as a place of potential.

But many things could happen.

But the main one we all know is chips.

We know it's chips.

And so

mashed potato is a form of chips where before they chipped it, before they fried it, they mashed it and boiled it in water.

I'll take it.

What would it be like if you got actual chips and fries and then mashed them up?

It would be like mashed potato with crunchy bits.

No, I reckon you could still do it.

Crispy mash.

Because a lot of chips are very fluffy inside.

Yeah, I quite enjoy that.

Thick chips, if it was a thick chip, I reckon you could mash it.

French fries would be a nightmare.

Yeah, disgusting.

You'd be like, what have you done to this mash?

Yeah, it'd be a bit lavish.

But yeah, totally the

mashed potatoes at home?

Do you know what I really like to cook is roast dinners?

Not on Sundays, like every day.

Every day?

Yeah, every day?

Yeah.

If I could, I don't make a I should have made all of this a roast dinner.

I'm an idiot.

So I got too excited about

crossing my corporate sponsors.

Yeah, oh, a roast dinner.

Firstly, you say every day, what's the most amount of days in a row that you've had a roast dinner?

Oh, I'm very busy, so like one.

I'm not ever home all the time, which I think is why I think it's a good thing.

It's the loosest definition of every day at birth.

Every day I could do it.

Yes, if I had time.

Oh, a roast dinner.

Because you've got time.

You can have a glass of red wine while you're cooking, chopping everything up.

It's just delightful.

That's one of the joys.

Sometimes when I'm cooking, I'm like, I'm pretty much just cooking a meal to justify my alcoholism at this point.

Just have a lovely old glass of sweet.

Oh, it's lovely.

Cooking chef's treat, little treat for the chefs.

That's lovely, isn't it?

And then about halfway through cooking, you go, I'm really enjoying this.

I'm having a really great night.

I'm so buzzy to me.

Yeah, turn the radio on.

What is the mate?

What are you actually roasting, though?

What's the main?

There's all kinds of things, but I would say like tofurky.

Do you know these ones?

I bet.

What did you call me?

Pardon me?

What's the tofuri?

So tofurki, it's like

it's white and then in the middle, stuffing.

Yeah, and I guess it would taste like turkey or chicken.

Consistency-wise, if you've got loads and loads of really good vegetables and mashes and taste of things, you've got some, oh, you've got some mint sauce, you've got some cranberry juice, you've got no jelly, jelly, jelly.

He's a stickler for the rules, isn't he?

Sorry, no cranberry juice.

Sloshing a whole bottle of cranberry juice over your lovely roast dinner.

Yeah, so if you've got really good gravies and everything at home, it tastes very nice.

And then, yeah, roast potatoes with you want lemon, rosemary, olive olive oil,

and loads of them.

And then mashed potato as well.

A mashed potato as well.

Yes.

Doubling up on the potatoes.

Double up potatoes.

Should I have a whole roast dinner on the side?

Shall I?

Because you said I can have anything I want.

That's true.

And I think that'd be sad now.

I'm not inside of your burger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So with

cake.

So we've got tofurky, kale, red cabbage cooked with beech root.

Yes.

Mashed potato, roast potatoes, carrots, and parsites pastips that we've done with like honey and black pepper.

That's not vegan, honey.

Yeah.

I'm one of the bad boys.

You're one of the bad boys.

The honey bad boys.

Yeah, we're called vegans.

That's true.

That's not, that's the word.

Someone who hated me told me that.

Actually, you're a vegan.

And then the other thing is they go, you're not a vegan, you're plant-based.

Because of my morality.

Right.

Like feeding chicken to my dog.

Oh, okay.

So you're.

Okay.

But anyway, I'm really excited about this roast dinner on the side.

side.

Yeah.

And I think it's really good for the roast dinner's ego to be like on the side.

It's like, because he's so used to being bringing him back down to earth.

Yeah.

You get grounded.

Yeah.

And the Leon, the love burger, he's had a real boost.

Yeah, yeah.

I tell you what, initially, I wasn't happy about this vegan roast dinner on the side.

And I thought we were going to have to say no, that you had to pick one element of it.

But when you personified the roast dinner

guy,

as an arrogant guy who's been put back down to earth by being reduced to a scythe, I'm more on board with that.

I think they are arrogant.

I think think they're all like, oh, the family don't even use their phones when we're around.

They have to talk to each other.

Oh, we're Christmas.

Yeah.

You know, when you eat, you know, when you eat me on the day that Christ was born.

Yeah, yeah.

And basically Jesus in food form.

The only person who's come on and personified all the food she's about to eat is a vegan.

as well to be like i want them to have personalities and all be people and i'm going to eat them that's how i make it spicy for myself yeah yeah because you have to have that like yeah because yeah that's the main thing.

I guess you're missing from your diet, is that thing that you're dominating something you're not going to be doing?

Everyone, when they're eating, is teaching someone a lesson.

And it's easy if you eat meat because you like sausages.

Whereas it's very hard for vegans.

Yeah, so now you get to this pretend like

this love burger is a lovely family.

Yeah, that's lovely.

Go to church, every Sunday.

You thought Daddy was coming home, didn't you?

Arranging your roast dinner into a face and then just stabbing it.

That's why actually Alpha Betty spaghetti and those little happy faces is such a nice breakfast.

You can spell help with the Alphabet spaghetti.

Help us, please.

Answer the riddle.

So, yeah, so your side dish is an entire

roast dinner.

Yeah.

I've definitely won this.

Yeah, I mean,

we're gonna have to, yeah.

I mean, basically, the last person that did this was

Lou Sanders, who basically did this.

So, I never, this is because

what does she have on the side, Rosina?

Uh, she uh chose Goybal Tapas as her menu.

That's something she made up.

And just had about a million different dishes as her main.

I believe one of them was a Yorkshire pudding with mashed potato inside it.

Yeah, so she basically did the roast dinner.

As one of her tapas.

God, she really demoted Roastina to a tapas place.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Roast.

Around the world.

Wow.

She roasted the roast.

Yeah, so this is a.

I'm not saying it's a vegan trait, but so far

it's become a vegan thing to go.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to have absolutely everything, and I'm going to have a roast dinner as well.

But I mean, what Lou, I've eaten in many restaurants with Lou, and she always will change the menu.

Would you feel if you went into Wagga Mama and said, take those noodles out?

Never have.

But if you did,

how would that make you feel?

Oh, God.

Imagine doing that.

Do you want me to play the Wagga Mama?

Do you want to actually play?

The Wagga Mama.

Yes.

The lady who runs a Wagon Mum.

Yep, the actual.

Yep.

Yeah.

The mama.

The mama from the big mama.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Hello, welcome to Wagamama.

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

It's one of my favourite chain restaurants.

Okay.

Hello, sir.

Who's this?

Do you want to serve this guy first?

Yes, sorry, madam.

I've been interrupted by this animal.

A love burger, please.

I beg your pardon.

A love burger.

You're in the wrong restaurant, sir.

That's a you.

Sorry about that, madam.

He was just putting you in your place as a restaurant.

So he didn't get too arrogant.

Well done.

I just thought I'd throw another character in there to really test you.

As a waiter myself, I know that it's a lot of fun.

And also, by the way, I'm leaving because that was terrible, customer service.

Well, thank you very much for coming.

Goodbye.

You just got yourself fired.

Even though you're the wagga mama, that was bad.

Yeah.

That was bad of you.

I'm surprised even the bank led you the money to start a restaurant when you're clearly in it.

In the words of my friend, fuck off.

I just want to test you.

Anyway, sorry, let's try it again.

No, I've gone to Prep.

You're going to prep now?

Oh, hello, I'm the Preta manager.

Welcome to our establishment.

Could I have a sandwich about noodles?

Absolutely.

Thank you so much.

And that's how you sell your food.

Wagga Mama.

Well, Wagamama's problem is the first time I went to Wagga Mama in that whole the food comes out when it's ready thing.

Yeah.

Every other restaurant manages to get food out when you've ordered ordered it and in the right order.

Okay, that's ridiculous.

Do you know what I mean?

No, it's so much better that they bring it when it's cooked than sitting it on a little next door light just

so they can pretend they cooked it all synchronically.

What I'm saying is

you organise the kitchen so it comes out when it's ready but in a certain order.

No.

So the little things you have starters and they organise it and they all shout like they do in kitchens and things come out and they go straight there and then they do it all with the they then they fire the mains.

No, I like like the way they do it I like the chaos I like the randomness I like it occasionally when one person everyone's finished and one person hasn't got theirs yet

but the show's starting at half seven it will have to go out and my issue with it is I'm always the person who gets those last and I'm the hungriest the worst

I'm at the table and I can see it under the hot light but that happens in regular restaurants I think that's that's so stupid being a diabetic you should always get to eat other people's food like

absolutely yeah I should even people I don't know yeah and so my my sister, Christina, is type one diabetic, and my mum deals with that with always having cake in her bag.

Um, like it's like Victoria Corrin, etc.

But she doesn't go to the bathroom, she'll just do it at a really nice restaurant.

She'll just get it out and go, She's diabetic, she's diabetic, actually.

Everybody, if you ever want to have dinner with my mum, she's always got cake in her bag.

She's going to take care of you.

I've got a new comedy bit about how women have always got cake in their bags.

Yeah,

finally, thank you guys for someone.

Right, had to be said.

Do you know your sister?

No, no, Oh, that's weird.

We don't all know each other.

My sister is a kind of self-hating diabetic.

She was a child.

She wouldn't go to any of the support groups and stuff about diabetes.

She didn't like the other diabetic children.

Which includes it.

Yeah, which includes Ed.

That was an awful child.

Ed didn't have diabetes until he was 13.

He fell in the Thames.

Yeah, she was 12, yeah.

She always comes on with adolescents because the hormones.

How did she fall in the Thames?

Ed pushed her.

Oh, man.

I took her in with me.

I was like, no way I'm going to be the only type one diabetic.

Took her overboard.

Grabbed.

Just lashed out.

And since then, she's never eaten a diabetic.

Oh, my, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It all makes sense.

Which one is your favourite drink?

I really like wine.

Yes.

Yeah, I like all of the wines, all of the colours.

Sometimes, like with water, sometimes it's fizzy.

Sometimes it's fizzy.

Yeah, we're actually, we're drinking a little wine wine now.

I'm drinking wine in a can.

From Nice, a Nice, they're called Nice.

Yeah.

And is it?

Do you know what?

It's warm, which isn't its form.

Rose, is it?

It's a rose.

It's a pale rose.

It's a pale rose.

I love everything about it.

I love that I'm drinking a can.

Yeah.

So I will have one.

That's what's so great about.

If I can just do some more product placement, Martin Spencer's cocktails in a can.

Yeah, for a comedian on a way home from a gig.

Diane Abbott here.

Yeah.

And it never put Diane Abbott on the poppies.

But

that's why it was such a fantastically human thing she did.

Because

there's two ways to come home from a gig if you're traveling home that night.

And one of them is that

you're crushed, completely crushed emotionally.

And then you have this thing of I'll treat myself to a cocktail in a can.

And then the very rare time we go, I did make good life decisions.

I'm so glad this is my life.

I'm really lucky to do this job.

And I just, I really like people actually.

And I like that.

I'll have a cocktail in a can.

And it's just, it's just nice.

So I'm feeling that about this this can of wine.

I like that

the phrase is dry, full stop French, full stop lively.

Oh, yes, there's all the

wine for whenever it says, which is me.

And that's how we make ourselves feel better about day drinking.

Yeah, that as well.

I mean, this has become quite the advert.

I think this is probably the most relaxed episode we've done.

Did they send them to you for free?

Is it?

Bonito is a great episode.

Is it really relaxed?

I'm going to take that as a compliment.

It is absolutely a compliment.

The thing is, is, so when they send you these things, do you have to mention them or no?

No, I don't.

But they sent this to you.

I have to.

Yeah, yeah, they sent us them.

Yeah.

No, just

hope you enjoy them.

I think they, you know, they obviously hope that we'll mention them.

Yeah.

And I feel like, you know, seeing as we're drinking one now, seems to be a good idea.

I did

Jess Fostercue's Hoovering podcast, which is an amazing podcast, which talks about food.

You eat food at the same time.

But I didn't know the people who made the food were in the room.

Like at a gig.

So I was like, I hate gluten-free stuff.

I hate gluten-free cakes.

Just be vegan.

So dry.

And then, and it's the front row of these bakers who'd given their free stuff and just hadn't told me.

Well, this wine is made by the Great Bonito.

He pressed it himself.

Yeah,

that's why it's so lively.

Yeah.

Because he will not have a boring grape.

Whoever ever says, what's a great bonito like?

I'm like, dry, french, lively.

So, but your, so your favourite

wine.

I like it.

All the faces, all the water.

If there isn't a wine you could bring that I wouldn't be like, mm-mm.

Really?

I think so.

It's difficult sometimes.

Dessert wines are too sweet, but I still drink it out of politeness.

Yeah.

So there isn't a wine that we could bring that wouldn't make you go, mm-mm.

But is there a wine that would make you go, mmm?

Okay.

I guess

a prosecco type of wine.

A Prosecco type of of wine.

If I said, surprise me, Jeannie, just bring me some wine.

And he heard wine and thought, she's drinking fizzy water.

I'm going to match it with this.

And he just said, here you go, and it's in one of the long, thin glasses, I would be literally,

before I even drink.

Perfect.

A Prosecco, a nice Prosecco.

A delicious Prosecco.

Do you remember a specific time when you like, Well like, I like Prosecco, like when you got into Prosecco and it was like the thing.

I think it, do you know what it was?

And again, so many things for me,

it was all to do with having money.

So for a really long time, I would say I had the amount of money that normal people have, which is none.

So I didn't have like money in my bank account.

If I went around a supermarket, I was always counting how much I put in there.

So I wasn't the kind of person that ever, ever could have bought a bottle of wine to have at home.

not to drink.

Like you buy a bottle of wine because you have to buy it to go to a party or because your friend is coming over and you're drinking wine.

So I think I discovered Prosecco about five or six years ago as I'm walking around a supermarket having this feeling of like, I can get anything.

I can get anything here.

I can get some Doritos dip just to have in the cupboard.

Yes.

Or like more than one kind of jam.

And I think one of the things was, I can just be one of those people who has wine in my house, but I drank it all.

And that's something that I've learned: I can't have wine in my house because I'll drink it all.

But I think I did think originally I'll have like a wine holder that has like a rack with wines in.

but no.

But what I will do now, and I love it because women, and I do think this is women, we meet eyes with each other.

Women in a supermarket, half ten, one of those small Sainsbury's bottle of wine, some kind of snack, like dry roasted peanuts or something.

We see each other in the queue go, I see you, bitch.

I see you.

Is that your snack of choice with the wine?

Something like that.

Something says, It's protein.

I'm not cooking.

Yeah, yeah.

I did that last night.

I bought a bag of dry roasted peanuts on the way home.

It's a sensible snack choice.

I think I went too hard on them when I initially got into dry roasted peanuts.

So this is all I'd ever have, and now that's it now.

I can't go near them.

Oh, so I came back round.

Oh, you're lucky.

Yeah.

What I'm trying to say is, hang on in there.

Yeah.

You'll be back.

Maybe I'll get that back up.

Do you like salt and vinegar peanuts?

Yeah.

Oh my god, they're really good, aren't they?

The peanuts in the crispy shells.

Oh, but they're not even peanuts anymore, are they, really?

Yeah, they're pretty naughty.

Yeah.

They are, they're crazy.

Little chemical bomb.

Curbel.

What do you think of Mermite cashews?

I really like them.

Oh, they're so good.

They're so good.

I'm so glad we agree about this.

It would be horrible to end it on a...

I love all the Marmite branded products.

And me too.

Also,

I am impressed by their bravery.

Because so many people do one thing well and then think, I'm not going to try other things.

You put yourself out there, you're going to get rejected.

There are going to be things that people are going to say, I'm not.

You know what it's like.

You have to do new material.

Absolutely.

It's so risky.

Yes.

I don't know if they, do they have like tryout nights for new foods?

Yeah, well, I was going to say, for ages, I kept noticing in Starbucks they did a Marmite branded cheese and Marmite toasty, which they now don't do.

Yeah, I do remember that.

Yeah, and so they must have to cut stuff just like us.

I'm going, sorry.

I loved it, but no one bought it, yeah.

My flatmate, my old flatmate, he used to buy Marmite chocolate.

And he'd have it in the cupboard and he'd have a little, just treat himself to a little square every now and again.

And then one day he had a breakup and then the next day I went into a chocolate shop and they're doing Marmite brownies massive Marmite brownies and I got himself one of them I felt like a real good flat mate that's really good flat mate like a real good flat mate coming back in it and also best day of my life because I went in there to buy the brownie and as I went in there they went oh man we just messed up a whole batch of our award-winning salted caramel help yourself it's just free now

I was like

I couldn't believe my luck I saw so much of the salted caramels on my own.

I could imagine you walking around like not believing it.

Great things happening by the day.

I was like,

God, it's real.

I now think that maybe shops are trying to audition for your stand-up shows, because you had that thing about the bananas and they're off bananas.

So I wonder if some of the shops near you are just like holding batches back.

Yeah.

It felt so good.

But then, yeah, probably wasn't.

The glitches in the matrix.

That's them going, we've got to keep him going along with this, keep him happy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The canned wine might be a bit like that as well.

Let's give him some canned rose.

It doesn't make any sense why that should exist, but you won't question it.

We need a name for the canned rose.

What's a good name for the canned rose?

I'll just say nice, nice.

But he won't drink it.

It's the daytime.

Right, wine for whenever.

If Sarah drinks it first, he'll copy it.

Looks up to Sarah.

Do you look up to me?

No.

No.

Ever wonder why you you have insurance for your car or home, but not your digital life?

Meet Webroot Total Protection, your digital bodyguard that is built for real life.

Webroot takes the guessing game out of cybersecurity so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With Webroot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 US-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo to get 50% off today.

Live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

You might in a bit, depending on this final choice, James.

Yes.

Has anyone ever won your respect with their dessert choice?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh,

yeah.

Jose Birch chose ice cream sandwiches and she won my respect and my heart and my lifelong devotion.

Yeah, okay.

Can I tell you the best dessert in the world?

Yes.

And

I will not debate this.

Is Eaton Mess.

Eaton Mess is the best dessert in the world.

If you have a choice of what to have for dessert,

I would go to weddings where people are hated if I heard, oh, there's eaten mess.

Yeah, yeah.

Who was telling, who was, what was the sort of

the gossip?

How were people telling you there was eaten mess?

No, mum, I don't want to go.

Why couldn't you and dad just stay together?

And then she'd be like, oh, your favourite dessert's gonna be there.

Yeah, Eaton Mess is gonna be there.

But that's the thing, so Eaton Mess has got two ingredients, maybe three that aren't vegan, but they do do vegan eaten messes now.

And I had one.

Where was it?

Hmm.

Let me juice.

It was recent.

Oh, it was exciting.

It was a vegan restaurant and they had

vegan eaten mess and it was really, really great.

How are they doing meringue?

The chickpea stuff.

Ah, aquafaba.

Aquafaba, yeah, which I think would be a lovely woman's name.

Yes.

Aquafaba macaroni.

That's her surname.

So I've had aquafaba meringues before.

Yeah.

And I didn't know they were before I ate them.

Okay.

And they did taste odd.

Yeah, they do taste odd.

Yeah.

Which is why you want a lot of, like with lots of vegan alternatives, you want a lot of other stuff on it.

Okay.

Don't you?

Like it's like with the avocado chocolate moussey things.

It's really amazing.

The consistency is so great, but you need other stuff in it.

Or you can taste avocado.

Sure.

Like it's not magic.

It's chickpea juice.

Yes.

Yeah, so it does have an odd taste and not the right consistency, but with really good fruit and cream and sugar

we've eaten mess

so i think

do you not think it's the best dessert ever well here's here's what here's my take on that okay ice cream sandwiches

because the first time i had me eaten mess well i've never had it before it definitely was the best dessert ever so the first time i had it how old were you uh i would have been 16

yeah maybe in secondary school because i actually didn't have it I definitely didn't have it in primary school.

No,

I think I was about 16 and I just couldn't believe it.

Absolutely.

It's like a pavrova, which I'd only heard about anyway.

You've like lashed up.

You'd only heard rumours of the pavlova, yeah.

I'd seen one in Iceland, but no, that smack.

First time I had it, lost my mind.

Yeah.

Then it's like, there's a few foods like this where

if you have a better version of it,

so

someone makes you a nicer eat and meal.

So like you've had Vianetta your whole life and you think it's the best dessert and then you get like Hagen-Das or something.

Sure, and it doesn't mean you now don't like ice cream,

but it means that like you have to have that.

So, Eat and Mess, I would say, progressively, you get given nicer stuff.

What's nicer?

I've never been at a wedding once,

and they just had insanely good Eat and Mess.

Like, whatever it was, the meringue was like proper, like whatever the chantilly is.

Have you heard of chantilly cream?

Yes.

Yeah, so I've never had it, but I've read the back of it in Marcel Spencer,

and it's got like vanilla pods in it.

And I bet that's so good in Eat and Mess.

Also, if someone does that

and makes it proper custardy kind of vanilla-y.

And like there's loads of fruit in there, and the meringue is like chewing.

And

there's lots of it, so you've got like proper lumps.

Yeah.

You're hitting big lumps all the way through.

It's too creamy for me, guys.

Too creamy.

Yeah.

It's the same problem I had with the Eclairs.

Sure.

Well, no, we know what you're doing.

I think it depends on the kind of cream.

I thought you had a song called Jenny Cream once, did you?

And an awful gig at Eaton.

You support Ivo Graham, I'm sure.

How important is the mess element?

How messy do you want it?

I think it's a bit like with the Wagamama stuff coming out

when it wants to.

Eaton mess is like, I will not put on a tie for you.

I will be crazy chaos.

Your spoon will go in and you'll get what you're given.

Yeah, it's a lucky dip.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, I understand that.

Because I think, because obviously it is a mashed up Pavlova,

but Pavlova feels just too traditional.

It feels so 80s.

Yeah, sure.

Even if it's amazing.

If you get given a Pavlova, you're just going to smash it up into a mess anyway, right?

Because you want it all together.

You don't want to

shine through the difference.

You can't chew everything.

But that was the theory when I was at school.

People were so disgusting, they would mash all of their food together in a pile and go, that's what happens in your stomach anyway.

So they were like,

they would mash it all up, and it was so disgusting.

Into like a ball, just a ball of all the food.

It's like a brown food, like a brown food food stuff.

What do you think happens in your stomach?

You take all the pleasure out of eating stuff.

A lot of stuff happens in my stomach.

I don't want it to happen in my mouth.

Pouring a load of acid on their food as well.

What happens in your stomach?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I've heard that argument before, but ridiculous.

So I'm just going to form it into a log and flush it straight down the toilet.

Yeah, you guys that all put it in a furnace and drink it down.

It's like, absolutely not.

But yeah, I think Eat and Mess is like, there are a few kind of like

desserts that I would accept as people saying best dessert ever.

And I think Eaton Mess is one of them.

I totally accept that.

Because like the best one is amazing.

Yeah.

And you also can't go back from that.

But the reason it's the best as well is that you don't have it every day.

Like I can't imagine you having Eaton Mess and it not being a special occasion.

I can imagine someone just having an Eclair.

Like you can get one for 90p.

Sure.

And there's quite a few things you have to go through if you wanted to make an Eaton Mess.

Meringues are pretty tricky to make.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd probably just pre-buy it, you'd pre-buy it, pre-buy, of course, you would, but busy buying it.

But again, I want to go like, I honestly, since I had that eaten mess at that wedding, I can't go back now.

I can't have ones that are just like dusty, white, chalky meringues that are just like whatever.

Yeah, bit of fruit, bit of soggy chiwi fruit in there, like some run-in-the-mill cream.

I just go, oh, this is because, like, I love desserts so much, but I have a lot of guilt attached to desserts.

So, if I'm having one of them.

I know I think this wedding thing is really intriguingly connected to your eaten mess.

It's a bit like the relationships.

All of us keep like eating eaten messes until there's one eaten mess that's so good we go, I don't want to eat any other ones, and that's the one you marry.

That's the one you married.

That is true.

It's true.

You're just going to get ruined.

You're speaking metaphorically.

James is now imagining marrying an eaten mess.

I thought you were saying he was engaged.

I married an eaten mess.

So, read your menu back to you, Sarah, see how you feel about this.

Yeah.

You would like sparkling water

but some still water for your dog.

Pop numbers of bread, you want some paws, £4.50 sourdough toasted with vegan block.

Starter, your wagamama yesayatami.

Yeah.

Soup, no noodles.

No noodles.

Main, Leon Love Burger.

Side, a full roast dinner

with a tofurky.

When you read it back, it does sound...

It does sound like a bigger, bigger than the main, doesn't it?

Drink, Prosecco,

some lovely Prosecco.

Dessert, you would like a vegan eaten mess.

That sounds good.

It sounds good.

That sounds good.

I mean, a restaurant is probably a good thing.

You'd probably call it a veatan mess.

A veaton mess.

That would ruin it a little bit.

Just a vegan.

No, I was going to say just a vegan mess.

Vegan mess, that's nice.

How much is this going to cost me?

Oh, no.

What's the price point?

Nothing.

The dog's pain.

Thank you very much for coming.

Is that how it ends?

You just then go, you've got to get out of here.

You've had your food, get out.

That's the end.

Now, if you want to, feel free to hang out, actually, if you you want to hang out in the restaurant for a little bit longer,

I'll tell you what, I'll say this before we go.

The thing about canned wine is that you've never guzzled wine before.

No, I think that's it.

So you're smashing it down.

So that's the problem: you drink it like you're drinking a canned drink, and you find you go, I would never drink this much wine in one mouthful.

Yeah.

Like, that's the danger.

Yeah.

So I really guzzled that into it.

Drink sensibly, everybody.

Drink sensibly.

There it is.

Boom shaka laka.

Boom shaka laka, the menu of Sarah Pasco.

Boom shaka sera.

Boom shaka seara.

Thank you very much for coming in, Sarah Pasco.

Well done, by the way, as well, for not saying salmon skin.

Congratulations.

I didn't really think she'd say salmon skin, but it's, you know, sometimes.

It was never even touch and go with it.

There wasn't even a point where I thought she was about to say salmon skin.

She didn't even say anything beginning with an S.

Well, I thought this could be a lot of fun.

Well, actually, when she said she was feeding stuff to a dog, I thought,

yeah, maybe.

Some salmon.

Maybe.

what would we have done in that situation?

Kick the dog out.

Kick the dog out.

She would have gone with it though.

We'll see about that.

She loves that dog.

Well she's got to choose at that point hasn't she dream menu or dream dog?

That'd be a good new offshoot of this podcast.

Yeah dream menu or dream dog?

Dog menu.

Dog menu.

Your dream dogs.

Yeah.

A lovely dog comes in.

Benito's agreeable.

Yeah, of course he is.

So great menu.

Lovely menu, I thought.

And nice to have a little dog in the restaurant, actually.

Yeah, it was.

He's very well behaved.

Yes.

And if you enjoy

Sarah's menu, if you enjoy the sound of Sarah, I'm sure you're aware of her work anyway.

Yes.

She has a book out right now.

What?

What's it called?

It's called Sex, Power, Money.

Woo-hoo!

Intriguing title.

Yes.

Exciting.

It is out now, so you can buy that from wherever you buy your books.

Yeah.

You bunch of nerds.

A bunch of nerds.

Oh, go and get your book from the past.

Got you.

If you like us, if you like the sound of us, we're on social media at OffMenuOfficial on Twitter and Instagram and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet.

Great.

And I'm at Ed Gamble Comedy on other stuff.

If you like me, then, oh, my humor is available.

I've released a special on Amazon Prime Video.

So go and check that out.

Search Ed Gamble on Amazon Prime Video.

But it'll probably be on the front page, taking up the whole front page, I'd imagine.

Yeah, I imagine it will be actually.

Just visualize it.

In 3D?

In 3D?

In 3D.

James, what are you up to, my little shit?

I've got a book out called Perfect Sound, Whatever.

And you can get that from where you get your books, nerds.

Read It in the Past.

That's the joke I was come up with.

Hang on.

And also, you can watch my comedy specials on Netflix called Repertoire.

James A.

Castle Repertoire.

If anyone has a Netflix anymore, it's all about prime video, from what I've heard.

Yes.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again another time.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.