Ep 51: Paul F. Tompkins

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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I want to get one of those off-menu podcasts.

Stack them high.

Two, I want a double off-menu podcast, uncover it, Cover it.

And I mean cover it with good humor.

That's all I want.

I want a double stacked off menu podcast covered with humor.

I love that podcast.

It's so delicious.

And wrap it all up in a love bun.

Thank you, strange man.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Hey, Ed.

Hey, Ed, Gamble.

Hey, man.

How's it going, JJ Caster?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I send in the

funny man

to do the intro for me.

Well, he was great.

Really great intro.

Really nice American intro, which is very fitting because this is one of our LA episodes, isn't it?

Yes, we're in Los Angeles of America.

This episode is recorded in the Earwolf Studios, but we should probably let everyone know what the H this podcast is.

Oh, yeah, yeah, this is the off-menu podcast where we welcome in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever-starter main course dessert, side dish, and drink to form their dream menu.

Yes, and this week, our special guest is Paul F.

Tompkins.

Paul F.

Tompkins, an absolutely amazing comedian,

writer,

podcaster, an absolute legend.

Mr.

Peanut Butter.

The voice of Mr.

Peanut Butter.

There we are.

But many, many, many other things besides.

So many more things besides.

He's sort of a king of podcasts as well.

He is.

He's just started a new podcast, in fact, with Nicole Parker, and it's called Neighborhood Listen.

Oh, fantastic.

And we feel like everyone in your neighborhood should be listening to that.

Yeah, the whole neighborhood.

So go and check it out.

Now, even though Paul is brilliant and we love him, and we're very excited to have him into the dream restaurant, unfortunately, we do have to kick him out if he's a secret ingredient that we have predetermined.

And this week, the secret ingredient is baboni.

It's abalone, is the name of the fish.

Yes.

No, don't try and change it now.

James thought it was called baboni.

So if Paul says baboni or abalone, it's a weird texture, this rubbery textured fish.

They use it in Japanese cooking a lot, but it's a very acquired taste.

I do not like it.

Abalone or baboni or any of that.

It is not allowed.

If Paul says abalone, he is out on his ear.

Ah, sorry, so sorry, Paul.

Hopefully he won't say it, though.

Oh, Ed, I can hear him approaching the earwolf studios right now.

Paul?

F.

Tompkins.

Welcome, Paul F.

Tompkins, to the Dream Menu restaurant.

You're not kidding around.

Like, you jump right into it.

Will there be other stuff, just you guys talking?

Well, yes, we

sort of bookend it, but we do that separately.

I was not prepared.

That was

the fastest I've ever been brought into a podcast.

Welcome, Paula Swanfin, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

A lot of Americans have said this to us that they're used to sitting there quietly whilst the host talk for like 10 minutes before they're brought.

Yeah, but we don't mess around, Paul.

No, rude.

It is.

I think that is...

I would want to sit there to invite somebody and just dual their admin.

Well, you wouldn't want to, certainly.

The question is, you're blaming the victim.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Absolutely.

That's intentional.

No, you're in.

You're straight away.

You're in.

This is about your dream restaurant.

So, you know, we're not going to leave you to sit there while we chat about putting the chairs out.

It's not about us.

Right.

Oh, I like this.

Tell us about it.

What about you?

James is a genie waiter in this scenario as well.

That's what that big explosion was.

Oh, I see.

It was me coming out of a lamp.

I mean, you saw that anyway.

You saw me.

No, I saw you come out of the lamp.

I didn't realize you were a genie.

You just thought he was a regular lamp dweller.

Yeah, I did think it was.

No one prepared me for that.

And I was like, oh, yeah, that's his thing.

There are a lot of lamp dwellers who get very annoyed when people assume they're a genie.

And I appreciate that you waited to hear that I am a genie genie first.

Never make assumptions.

Yeah, yeah.

But I am a genie and also a waiter.

So I can get you food from wherever you like.

Any period in your life,

any specific restaurant, anything.

So unlimited food wishes.

Well, this is the thing.

It's, you know, he's a genie, but there is only one wish per course.

Yes.

So it's sort of your dreams, but severely limited.

Finite amount of wishes.

Yeah.

They're all related to food.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can never wish for anything else.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not.

He did one month at genie school, and he was only there for the food portion.

Yes.

And they call it the food portion as well.

This genie school.

Yes.

So

are you not born a genie?

Oh, yeah, you're born a genie, but you still have to go to genie school.

Oh, like we go to human school.

Yeah, you're born a human.

That's good if you go to human school.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

If I didn't go to genie school, I'd still be a genie, but I wouldn't know how to do any of the stuff.

You know, my powers would be like a bit of a

Hogwarts as well, I guess, is the

born wizards, but apart from Hermione,

mud blood, but they have to go to the school to

be a musician.

She was a mud blood.

That's an offensive term, guys.

Why would you.

It actually is.

Makes me shudder whenever I hear her.

Like, in a made-up book for kids, why would you make up something that sounds so much like a slur?

Yeah, it really does.

It really is.

It's the worst slur.

A lot of fun stuff, and then that's how it is.

She's not pure-blooded.

We'll call her a mud blood, and we'll put that in.

Like, really?

My God.

Teach that to kids.

I felt bad as I was saying it.

And then you two just stared at me and was like, oh, God, what if it's also a natural slur and J.K.

Rowley just used it in the book?

Yeah.

But yeah, she was probably like, oh, this is fine.

What's going to happen?

Are these kids going to grow up and make awful political decisions?

I don't think so.

They'll be fine.

Absolutely fine.

There are some genius that are self-taught.

I should point that out.

Is that true?

Any that I would know?

Well,

the Aladdin genie?

Sure.

Yeah, his brother.

He's self-taught.

Not as good.

good.

But

he was a self-taught genie.

He was okay.

Yeah, he's in the musical Aladdin.

Oh, the stage version.

He's not as good as he's.

Yeah, yeah, he's just the musical.

He's not doing anything else besides that.

That guy is, yeah, he's not prime genie.

He's more of a singer than anything, I think.

Yeah, he's very good at singing.

But that is also self-taught, actually.

The self-taught.

That is actually impressive.

Yeah, yeah.

To be a good singer and to have no formal training.

Oh, yeah.

Very jealous of that.

Sure.

Really jealous of people who can sing properly.

I think all three of us must be, right?

Oh, yeah.

That's why we're here is because we can't sing.

I can.

You can sing a little bit.

You got some pipes on you?

I think so, yeah.

I can carry a tune.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's your style?

You know,

because I sing other people's songs,

I don't know that I have a specific style.

Oh, you do all styles.

A style the whole office can agree on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are some of your what's in your repertoire?

Like if somebody's having a birthday,

there's a specific song,

there's a specific song that I will sing.

And sometimes other people will join me in singing it.

But I'll sing for someone's birthday.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you can't say the words on it because it's copyright.

I don't know if you'd know.

It's called Happy Birthday.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you guys have that?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, we've never heard you sing it,

but we've never really heard Happy Birthday.

I mean, is it anybody's birthday in here?

Someone's birthday in the office, I believe.

It's the Great Benito's birthday today.

That's the Great Benito.

That's the Great Benito through there.

Our producer, The Great Benito.

No, he didn't introduce himself that way to me.

He just said his name was Ben.

Yeah, that's short for the Great Benito.

I mean,

he's a little bit tricksy, actually.

Apologies for that.

You should have told you his proper name.

Is he being modest or is he actively trying to deceive me?

Oh, yeah, actively trying to deceive you.

He's very deceptive, and it's a bit of problem on this trip.

We've come to LA and we want to meet people and

he's kind of making up names and stuff and introduce himself as well and stuff like that.

Is this like when the king goes in the countryside in the guise of a beggar

to see what people really think?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's trying to reinvent himself over here.

So now, if you hadn't said that Ben was the great bonito, I would have been talking all kinds of shit about the great bonito.

And then he's just sitting there watching it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the joy he's planning on doing.

Well, he doesn't need to, I've never met him it before.

He doesn't need a cloak.

You just say, by the way, I'm the grapevine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A verbal cloak.

Yeah.

You're a food guy?

I eat it every day.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Multiple times.

Yeah.

I've eaten twice today.

That's that.

Yep.

That works out.

I was just doing the timings.

And you know what?

I'm going to eat again tonight.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I even ate a thing.

I had two meals, and even in between the two meals, I ate something else, a little

smaller thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

If you can call it a meal, yeah.

What was the little thing you ate in between?

It's a banana,

very nice, an exotic fruit from who knows where.

Yeah, um, for people who aren't familiar with bananas at home, do you want to describe it to them?

Yeah, they're proof that there is intelligent design in the universe.

God created the banana so that we could

hold it in our hand and peel it.

Yes.

I don't think I have to elaborate on that anymore.

But it's a, it's a, it's, to me, it's a great

fruit because it's got the most sugar and tastes most like a treat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Apples, I like apples, they're a lot of work.

Bananas are so easy.

Yes.

You peel them, they're soft.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're really easy to get through.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like not many, how many bites do you reckon it takes you to finish a banana?

Yeah, four, yeah.

Well, it depends on the size of banana.

They come in a range.

True.

I would say your average banana.

Yeah, yeah.

You could do big bites, sure.

Are you like a big bites guy?

He's a big gulps guy.

I love big gulps.

And you cannot lie?

What does that mean?

You like a gigantic soda drink?

No, I

have no idea.

I take big sips out of drinks.

I finish drinks quickly.

I do that too.

I eat and drink very quickly.

I grew up in a big family, and that is a hallmark of me.

I was an only child, but very fat.

What?

Yeah.

Just because of speed.

Just speed, just sheer speed.

He's constantly trying to beat his

PB.

Yeah, every single time.

But I knew PB is peanut butter.

That sort of thing.

Absolutely.

Jarrett's running around.

Charity.

Eat it like a yogurt.

You should see him drink a drink.

It's outrageous because

it's not even like he's putting the effort into doing the big sips.

He just like, it looks like he's had a normal sip and then he puts the glass down.

And you're like, how did that even happen?

Yeah.

It's like a magician.

Coming from a genie, that's a really good.

Big respect.

It's more refreshing.

I love

having a beer on a hot day and take a big gulp and then it's half gone.

Yeah.

My problem, I do the same thing with alcoholic drinks.

And the problem is that you're finishing before everybody else is,

and it does make me self-conscious.

Yeah.

That, especially with wine, wine is like very easy to drink.

And depending on the we at home, we have, my wife likes them, I don't.

They're these little wine glasses.

They're very continental.

You know what I mean?

But it's very hard to keep track of how much you've had because it just looks like a little juice glass.

It's like, if I had a lot of wine or have I not had enough wine?

Yeah, 15 glasses of wine.

Yeah.

But are they real glasses?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15 little tumblers.

Yeah.

Thimbles.

It's like mouthwash.

Yeah.

With mouthwash,

here's a rebellious thing that I do.

It says that you should pour it out into the cap and then measure it out.

And then swill it.

I just swig it out the bottle.

Now.

Out the bottle.

Are you getting.

How do you know how much you're getting?

There's no way.

Don't even know.

Whoop.

What?

And you swallow it as well, don't you?

I don't swallow it.

What do you do?

I'll swallow it.

He crumbled under question

so quickly.

It's a one question and you'll get him.

That's it.

He'll always lie the first time, and then you'll get him.

But a lot of people don't think to ask the question.

He sounded pretty different.

This is more genie code.

More genie code.

Yeah, if we're allowed to lie the first time, second time you have to tell the truth.

We always start with still a sparkling water in the dream restaurant.

Oh, still.

What?

No, yeah.

I'm sorry.

And then we judge everything?

No.

That wasn't a judging noise.

This is the first

thing.

We're on water.

That wasn't a judgy noise.

Come on.

That was a judgy noise.

That was absolutely a judgy noise.

No, because we're always fascinated by people's answers because whatever people answer, still or sparkling, they always say it as if it is the definitive answer.

And they can't believe anyone picks anything different.

Oh, still.

Here's why I think that is.

Because

if you're at dinner with multiple people and they're ordering the thing that you don't want, you have to get your thing in there so you're not stuck drinking the thing that you don't want to drink.

To me, water is, I love drinking water.

i love it yep it's i i i it it's surprising to me that there's some people like i hate water it's like how can you biologically not like drinking water yeah it's it's absolutely in your dna that you need to do it's the main thing yeah it's the it's the main thing

and so i've there there's so many times where of course i'll want like a different kind of drink if i'm at home but i think i bet if i have a glass of water i'm gonna be fine and i'll have that glass of water i'm like you did it again, water.

You have a perfect success rate.

I don't care about the other thing anymore.

But

I've never developed a taste for sparkling water.

And it always seems to me

it's weird.

It's like,

this isn't thirst-quenching.

It's salty and distracting.

And it's making me wish I just had water.

I don't like

LaCroix, Seltzer's, things like that for the same reason that

it's too much

between

states.

Like it's slightly carbonated or fizzy, and it's slightly flavored, and it just makes me want either the full flavor of something else or just water.

You know,

I feel like I have some immunity to those.

And it sucks because people enjoy them so much.

Yeah.

And people, when you go to somebody's house and they have like, we have 80 flavors of LaCroix and everyone's excited except me.

And it's, it's a bummer because, like, I wish I liked it, but I just don't like it.

Do you believe them, though, that they love it?

Are you looking at them going, come on, you don't love this?

Here's the thing: I do because I feel the same way about olives.

People love olives.

Yeah.

They really love olives.

Yeah.

And I wish that I did.

I feel like that's different, though.

Olives, there's a really distinctive flavor in there.

There's something there.

Yeah.

You know,

with this

seltzer,

as you said, it's not what it is.

It's like there was a small accident at the water factory.

Yeah.

That they're making soda on one side of the factory and then sparkling water.

And someone just knocked a tiny shot into a massive vat.

Yes.

And then that just gives that just a slight suggestion of flavor.

Yeah.

And it's people who are like, oh, we're having fun.

Here's where I think it started.

When people started putting

lemon in tap water,

you go to a restaurant and they would bring you that without even warning you that that was going to happen.

And it's like, I i don't want this is very specific and i did not ask for it yeah yeah that's a really yeah that's a real left turn in a water that's a crazy assumption to make just going to add this quite offensive flavor now

i'm assuming you like it yeah like

lemon is very specific

also you put lemon in tap water tap water is i'm sure you know clear and you can see the bits of the flake of the lemon bubbling around like bits of skin.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

Flaky lemon.

Pop-a-dubs or bread.

Pop-a-dubs or bread, Paul.

Pop-up-ups or bread.

I'm going to say bread.

Bread.

Paul's reaction to that was great, by the way.

Such a shame.

Absolutely great.

Was surprised.

Pop it ups are great.

But I, man, hot fresh bread at a restaurant is so good.

It's so good.

Yeah.

Oh, especially if you got pulled apart.

With your hand, you're going straight in with your hands.

That's something my mother drilled into me was that you'd never cut fresh bread.

But if it's fresh bread,

you break it apart, you don't cut it.

That is an interesting thing for her to choose to drill into you.

It was the only thing.

You have to tear apart fresh bread with your hands.

Yeah, son.

It's the only thing.

And then she was gone.

That's the only thing she left.

That would be so, you know, like films where characters have constant flashbacks of things their parents said to them.

In the film of your life, it's like every five minutes you get the same flashback of her going, tear into fresh bread with your hands, son.

And then the door shuts.

It's like my mother always said.

Is it any particular type of bread?

I'm a huge lover of sourdough bread.

I love sourdough bread, but I also like a real dark black bread, you know, like that, that real brown bread that's very peasanty.

I like that a lot.

Yeah.

That would tie in with the tearing it apart with your hands or your

rustic.

Exactly.

I'm covered in soot.

Yeah.

You know, it's 5 p.m.

I I just got off a 19-hour shift

and I'm ready to have

my simple rustic meal.

Yeah, you've just been working down a coal mine and now you're going to eat bread that looks like coal.

That's right.

In a little wooden bowl.

Yeah.

Of course in a little wooden bowl.

Absolutely.

And you love it as well.

That's the thing.

I love it.

You love it.

You're not being like, oh, own bread again.

You're just like, oh, this is the best.

Yeah, then I get drunk on ale or meat or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I sleep for two hours and go back to work.

It's a perfect night.

Are you skipping around in a circle singing a little song about bread?

Well, the kids are, of course.

Because it's bread night.

You don't know what's singing.

It's now his birthday.

That's right.

That's right.

I hear them as I approach my cottage.

I hear them.

I'm just at the door of my hovel and I'm like, ah, it's bread night.

Bread, bread, bread.

Daddy's home.

You get your bindle off your shoulder and untie the.

I work in the coal mine.

Now I'm a hobo.

Come on.

I'm sure, but

bindles have been too limited, I think.

Everyone's like, maybe you're right.

We can all make one.

We can make a bindle to work, right?

Yeah.

That's perfect to carry a bread roll.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's true.

If you want things that are not going to touch the filth that's on you as much as possible, that's what you put it.

Tie it in a sack, put it on a stick

that's away from your body.

Yeah.

Oh, it makes so much sense.

So, your starter.

I had this soup when I was a kid

that my older sister encouraged me to get.

And I did not think I was going to like it.

And she said, No, you will like it.

And it was a

because it was a vegetable.

I was not a vegetable eater when I was a child.

No one really is, are they?

No, they're not.

And

I wish that had been drilled into me

sooner because it took me a long time till i was well into adulthood to say i should start doing this

this is this is untenable yeah i can't keep i can't keep avoiding these things forever

um

and it was a cream of celery soup that was so good i can still taste it i was probably like 10 years old we were out at some restaurant was like a family you know celebration of something or other yeah And she said, you'll like this soup.

And I got it.

And it was, I've never forgotten it.

But of course, no kids pick in a cream of celery soup.

No.

So

the gulf between what you thought it was going to be like and what it actually tasted like must have been huge.

Yes.

And your mum's there going, eat the soup with your hands.

Yeah.

She said, break that soup apart.

It's fresh.

This is an older sister, I'm assuming.

Yes.

Yeah.

So that would be insane.

A five-year-old sister going, you should get the celery soup.

You will like it.

I have no will of my own.

And I haven't talked into anything by anyone.

So how old is your sister and how old were you?

Oh, there's a great gulf of years between us.

She was the oldest and I was the second to last out of six kids.

Oh, wow.

So she's fully, she was probably like 20 at that point.

Right, okay.

So she's like saying to her, what, like five-year-old brother, get the cream of celery soup, you will like it?

I was, I believe I was bemoaning that I didn't like any of the things that were available.

And she said, you should try this.

You're really going to like it.

Yeah, yeah.

And I thought, this is,

there's no way, yeah, there's no way.

I love that so many people have the story of like their elder siblings introducing them to cool bands, and you've got cream of celery soup.

That's right.

I used to sneak into my sister's room when she went out and get into the vats.

Shit, pots of iller.

Why?

When I think back on it now, it's strange,

you know.

But I mean, she was from a different generation.

I don't know, but they had soup all the time all over the place,

slurping it up.

So, what did it?

I mean, it did taste heavily of celery or was that because quite often it did it did and it was but it was of course it was extremely creamy which is like that's how a kid was able to like it yeah yeah yeah the cream

but it was it was a uh

whatever spices were in it whatever however it was seasoned it was a brand new thing to me that it was like it sort of I sort of had the idea like I didn't know that grown-up food could taste good like this sure

yeah also here's a question You said it's six of you.

Yes.

In my head, all of your siblings also include the middle initial in their name.

It's pretty close.

Yeah, yeah.

It's pretty close.

They'll call you a child.

We all do it for

any official signing of documents or whatever, any kind of business correspondence, but not no one does it in life the way that I do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But so around the table, she wasn't saying to you,

you should have the cream of celebrity suit Paul F.

No, it's like it was Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

You've all got stickers, even though you know each other's names, you've all got stickers.

Hello, my name is Paul F.

And you want this specific soup from that meal.

Yeah, now are you doing it much like since?

Have you done a big soup guy?

I'm not a big soup guy, but I do, I do enjoy it on occasion.

I tend to like

soups that are simple like like that, that are not

full of a lot of stuff.

I like to have, I like a single flavor soup.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't need a jazzy soup.

I don't need too much, no.

Although, I enjoy like a hearty, you know, like a beef and vegetable kind of thing.

The broth is very, yeah, it's very enjoyable, especially in the wintertime.

Yeah, that's Wednesdays when you were a miner, right?

Was the

broth night.

That's right.

Absolutely

with your bread rolls, just mopping up the last bits from the wooden bowl.

That's right.

Broth does not carry well in a bindle, though.

No.

It was just sort of soaking through and splashing out the back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you learn that once.

But then you know it forever.

You know, yeah.

On your way to work.

This is getting lighter.

And you notice it at the end.

I don't know.

Why is my back so wet?

Everyone at work's calling you broth back.

Oh, broth back.

That was once, guys.

Oh, broth back, Melton.

How's it going?

How's it going?

Look at this market.

little bruff back.

Look at him.

Pat him on the back.

It's all squelchy.

To wring out my coat over the.

You stick a beef.

It's humiliating.

You stick it like beef, rough back.

Boy, you'd go crazy if you were in the mine and somebody smelled like

soup.

Yeah.

It would be too much.

Some people do smell beef soup.

It would be too much.

It would be too much in the mine.

Nobody ever smells like a soup that's good, though.

No, it's always bad soup.

It's always like powdered soup.

But that's the thing.

People smell of soup.

Yeah, there are people who smell like soup.

That is the thing.

People smell of soup.

There's no way around that.

There are some people who smell like soup,

but it's not a soup you'd want to eat.

No, exactly.

No, it's never cream of celery, is it?

It's like medicinal soup.

It's just gone cold.

Yeah.

It's like a cold, stinky soup

that's like, yeah, maybe just got...

Some unpleasant vegetables in it and maybe even some cheese.

But that's like not a good...

You don't want to like French onion soup cheese.

Yeah.

No one's ever said to someone, you smell like soup.

And they were, oh, thank you.

Yeah.

It's not a fragrance.

Is there food that you've ever smelt of?

That people have pointed out to me?

Yeah.

Or that you've noticed that.

Or that I've been aware of that I tried to pull.

I smell like sandwiches today.

Something like that.

I'm trying to think.

I don't know that it's ever been pointed out to me that I smelled of a specific food.

I remember one time

a friend of mine smelled like cookies.

That's lovely.

It was absolutely delightful.

And she was very flattered to hear it.

She said, do I really?

And I was like, yeah, you do.

I don't know what it is.

Is your friend the character from Toy Story?

Yes.

My friend is a cookie.

Yeah.

A cookie friend.

Look,

I bake these cookies.

They look like people.

I can't bear to eat them.

I need to get a different mold.

Something that I don't care about.

Yeah.

What would make you want to eat the cookie?

What would it be made of that you were like, I want to destroy this thing?

Oh, hate.

Yeah.

You know, racism.

Prejudice.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Capitalism.

Yeah.

Cheating at sports.

Things like that.

If I could get those molds.

It's difficult to explain that, though, if someone found you've had a cookie that said prejudice on it.

It looks like you're pro-prejudice.

That is, yes.

And that's a lesson that you learn the hard way.

When you are making like a huge batch of prejudice cookies and

walking around with them, like, would you like to

cookie?

They don't get the message of it.

You're a monster.

And you're like, no, no, it's like, you know, you hate it so much that you can eat it.

I used to buy cookies that look like my friends and I run and eat them.

And that would be a good idea.

They've gone by that point.

No one's listening to you.

Here's what I would just say, a cookie monster, and then see if that puts a positive association in their mind.

I don't know.

I don't know if it works.

I'm going to try it a couple more times.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then we'll see.

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Your main course.

This is tough.

Yeah.

My main course from all

of the history of my life.

I think

it would have to be a pasta.

I think it would have to be

an Arabiata sauce.

a red sauce, but with some spice to it.

And I think

for the pasta itself,

look, I'm a spaghetti meatballs guy.

Love spaghetti meatballs.

Grew up on it, love it.

But when I go out to eat, I do like to get like a rigatone, like a

or a broad, you know, like those broad, we used to call them sidewalks.

They were like really wide noodles.

I can't remember what they're called now, but what they're actually called.

But

like a rigatone, a rabiata with like a

beef ragu sauce sounds very nice.

Yeah.

So rigatoni is just like they're the fat tubes, right?

Yes.

Fat tubes.

Spaghetti and meatballs is one of those things that as a kid I thought was going to factor into my life a lot more.

Like, yeah, when I was a kid, spaghetti and meatballs was like in every cartoon.

Yeah.

Like it was just all over the place.

Yeah, totally.

And now I'm an adult.

I'm like, there's not much spaghetti and meatballs around in life, actually.

They were everywhere as a kid.

You thought for every meal you'd be sitting down and tucking your napkin in around the collar and really preparing yourself for the big spaghetti and meatballs.

There's a spaghetti and meatballs.

And twirling.

And it's so rare that you get to twirl a fork.

Yeah, all that stuff is like, I mean, there's food fights with spaghetti and meatballs at the time, too.

That's never, I've never had that.

Well, food fights don't happen.

Food fights don't really break out that often.

Have you ever had a food fight?

A fight with food or a fight over food?

Oh,

well, let's go for both.

No.

Gladly clarified.

Yeah, yeah.

Just for the name of those things about that.

No,

I don't think so.

I don't, yeah, I've never, I don't think I've ever even heard of one in real life.

Yeah, I mean, I tried, I was like, no, I've had a food fight, and then I started to remember my food fight, and I was genuinely imagining the film Hook.

So

bang your ass.

That is not my life.

That's the food fight you were imagining.

It was like, there There was a food fight, and there was a guy.

No, no, that was Hook.

It's all multicolored drinks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a magical man.

He used to be a magical boy.

Rufio, my friend Ruffio.

It was paint.

It turned into food.

Or did food turn into paint?

What happened?

It wasn't there, and then it was there.

They just imagined the whole banquet, didn't they?

Yeah.

And then they started having the food fight with it.

Great film.

Great film.

Great film.

Right?

Super holds up.

Yeah?

Yeah, sure.

Wasn't it?

It wasn't lauded when it came out, though.

It got criticized.

Oh, it's a bad film.

It's one of those things where I.

People that are a generation after me revere this movie.

It's very important to them when they were a kid.

But it's the difference between seeing a movie once when you're kind of old enough to say, well, that's not good.

And being a child and watching a thing over and over and over again to the point where you develop a relationship with it.

Yes.

Which I did not do with a hook.

No, that did not happen.

I saw it on a ferry.

That's a long ride.

You saw the whole thing?

Yeah.

Where were you going?

Where were you coming from?

To Holland from England.

Wow.

How long of a ride is that?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know.

At least one hook's at least one hook.

Also, like, I didn't have any.

I might have even mentioned this on the podcast before.

It's one of my most cherished childhood memories.

But I'd know, I'd never been on a ferry before.

I didn't know what was on the ferry.

We hadn't been told there was a cinema there.

I didn't think there'd be like a cinema there.

So I was just sitting there on the ferry, bored out my mind.

And then my mum was like, come with me.

I was like, okay.

And I'm just following her.

And then she goes into this room and it's a fucking cinema.

And I was like, what?

And then we sit down.

I'm like, well, and even at that age, you're like, well, I'm probably not going to be showing like a brand new film that's just come out.

And then Hook started.

And I was like, oh my God.

And then like, it was so brilliant.

They can show what they like.

It's international waters.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's true.

And you're you're allowed to record it.

You can bootleg it?

Yeah,

there's something they can do.

It's a big memory from that.

Two memories from that holiday.

One is watching Hook on the Ferry and one is being on the beach.

And I'd learned that in Dutch, like there was you could say yes by saying yay and no by saying nay and I'd built a sandcastle and a little Dutch boy who I had never I did not know prominent thumb?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He came over.

He came over and he went to kick the sandcastle over.

He drew his leg back and

I shouted nay at him and he shouted yay at me.

And it went on for ages.

And it was this like yay and nay, just back and forth.

We go, nay!

And he'd be like, yay!

So like kind of kick my sandcastle.

How did it end?

I won.

He didn't do it in the end.

Oh, well done.

He walked away.

I felt like I'd really won the battle, mainly because

my sister and brother both joined me at the time shouting nay.

So it was three of us going, nay!

And then he was like, okay,

know when I've been out nayed.

He went away.

How many more of these are going to show up?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, one thing I think is incredible is that about children is that you'd never been on a boat before and you're like, already over it.

Yeah, boring.

Yeah, we're going to need to throw a cinema into that.

This is a brand new experience.

I'm on open water going to another country.

What else is there?

Takes me to another land of entertaining.

That's remarkable.

I've seen a

film on a a ferry before when I was, I think, 10 or 11, I was on a school trip and they showed the film hackers.

Don't know if you remember the film hackers.

I've never seen it, but I know of it, and that's very, that's a strange choice.

It's a strange choice, bearing in mind, at one point during the film, Angelina Jolie does reveal her top half.

Really?

Yeah, and it is a room full of 11-year-old boys absolutely losing their minds.

Going crazy on this ship.

Were there any repercussions?

Was there a teacher there?

Was there any other?

Oh, yeah, they were loving it.

Just a delight.

International Waters.

Yeah, that's the waters you do.

Wow.

Parents can't do anything.

So is this pasta from anywhere in particular?

No, it's not.

It's what I think of when I think of Italian food.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

It's the little picture that I have in my mind and it's the taste that I have when I think of Italian food.

And it's really, I like that it's hearty and it's a lot of sauce and meat and pasta.

And it's very, it's always satisfying.

It's always satisfying.

My fucking mouth started watering.

Your mouth started watering.

My mouth started watering, yeah.

When I was thinking about the after effects of the pasta, like that was good.

Yeah, it started salivated during the

description of some food.

That's never happened before.

That must have happened before.

No one's had to stop talking because their mouth is full of saliva.

Sorry.

No, that's never happened before.

I listen to a lot of podcasts.

I'll have to stop.

My mouth is watering.

Just pouring it.

Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, I second.

To be fair, you had the one-two punch of like the Angelina Jolie story and then the pasta.

So now here you are.

The story got it all worked out.

Absolutely.

So worked up and passed it off as the pasta.

Oh, it's because I forget about pasta too much.

My eyes got gigantic and started making that old-timey card sock sound.

In hackers, there's a bit where they hack someone's computer by just getting their password and they say it's a man's and men's passwords are always God or sex.

Yeah.

And that's they say all men's part, three letters, God or sex.

And it's right.

They go like sex and they're in.

Yeah.

Sex.

I mean, that's true, right?

Yeah.

We have to see this movie.

Yeah, it's really.

The passwords always

God or sex.

Yeah.

Always.

Always.

Always.

Obviously, it's 2020 now.

Things have moved on, but we still all have passwords that are similar to that, right?

Yes.

Yeah, it would be sex one.

Right.

God with three Ds.

Mine is

big old Orgy.

Big old Orgy.

Big old Orgy.

Five.

Big old Orgy five.

I have a really complex one for my bank, which is Angeline and Jolie's top half.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So disturbing or something.

Yeah, the vowels are numbers, obviously.

Of course, yeah.

God or sex.

Are you having cheese on the pass?

Is someone coming around and grating cheese on top of it?

Yes.

What sort of cheese do you want?

It's the parmesan.

Yeah, sure.

And they go and they go and they go.

And like at the point where I feel like I should tell him to stop.

Yeah.

Let go one second longer.

Yeah.

You've got to go one second longer.

Because you don't want to regret that last second being lost.

No, no, no.

How I do it is I don't look at how much cheese is going on.

I look at their eyes.

And when they look like i should be ashamed of myself that's when i stop

so it's basically they're going and then when they finally when their eyes go to you yeah i'm like

is he still is he paying attention yeah don't be joking yeah

let me do this doing this for a long time now

what if if you let them go one second longer every time what How would you feel if like they're grating at the same pace and then you think one second longer and that one second, they just like speed it up mega that they go so fast and start grating way quicker.

Are you going to panic and be like,

I mean, I'd have to respect it.

Yeah.

I'd have to respect it because someone who's that intuitive, that's that's a skill in itself.

You know, that's a good cheese guy.

Yeah.

Like he knew what he knew, he could tell from my face.

Like everyone's got to tell.

Yeah.

And he's looking at, you know, maybe my eyebrow lifts slightly or there's a little twitch in my eyelid.

And then he's like, ah, this guy, he thinks he's done.

And he ramps it up.

Now, a lot of times

it'll be some sort of device that the cheese comes out of.

I feel like it's rare where there's the actual grater

and the person's doing it.

That's very rustic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not bad.

Like a coal miner like me can only dream of something like that.

Bit hand-grated onto your past.

I like when they have a big bowl and they have a spoon.

Oh, you like pre-grate it.

I don't want to see that disgusting grating process.

Well, I like it because

I believe you that you've grated this.

You didn't just buy it like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I trust you.

But I don't know what's going on inside those

grinders and things like that.

What do you worry about could be going on inside the grinder?

I think it's a rat tattoo situation.

I think there's whatever sentient creature is small enough to fit inside there is frantically grating cheese.

On a little grate.

They have their own little grating cheese.

Yes, exactly.

Little rat.

A little rat, little mouse.

Yeah.

I don't want to go smaller because then we're getting into the insect world.

Yeah.

No, thank you.

It's a nightmare.

It's a literal nightmare.

Yeah.

So you like it like out of the bowl with a spoon, shake it along.

I think it's nice.

It's homey.

Yeah.

Do you ever shout like let it snow or whatever when they start doing that?

Do you shout like let it snow?

Yes.

Yes.

Just checking that you shout it.

Yes, I do every time.

Yeah, yeah.

Always let it snow on the pasta.

Good.

Do you ever sing Let It Snow?

Because we all know you've got such a lovely voice, got good pipes.

There's a certain time of year

when I will sing that song.

Yeah.

Pasta year.

Pasta.

Pasta time.

Pasta time.

Pasta night in the cottage.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So it's a pasta night in the old cottage.

Sure.

Absolutely.

Peasants like me, we love pasta.

Spaghetti meatballs, I do find hard to order.

I get a little embarrassed to order in a restaurant, but I'll still do it.

Yeah, but it does feel like

I look like someone who does not have a grown-up palate and then I'm ordering something that a child would order.

And yet it's on the menu for grown-ups.

It's there.

But I always kind of apologize for it.

Do you take a bib if they offer you a bib?

You know, some restaurants they give you a bib.

If they offer me a bib, I will take a bib.

Look, I assume they know what they're talking about.

Yeah, you do.

But I've been in a situation where I've been given a bib and then I've looked around the restaurant and no one else is wearing a bib.

Was this like a seafood situation?

No, it was like a barbecue situation.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

So I'm eating ribs and I'm looking around.

Everyone else is bibless.

I've got a bib.

So then you're thinking, Did they just not offer the bib to anyone else?

They just saw me and they were like, We've got a bibber.

Yeah.

Well, maybe they've seen the size gulps you take, and then like, this guy,

there's no way

this food is making it into his mouth without some of it falling on his clothes.

Yeah, yeah.

These guys are rushing sloppy bites.

Sloppy bites.

You got that meatball song over here?

I think I know the meatball song.

I mean, there's a meatball song I'm thinking of.

Yeah, yeah.

I hope it's the same one.

Do you guys want to start singing your meatball songs at the same time and we'll see if they match up?

Yeah, okay.

Right.

I do want to count as a song.

I'll go three, two, one.

After one, you go.

Three, two, one.

Meatball, meatball, meatball, meatball from my mouth.

I love eating meatballs from north to south.

Give me a a meatball, I'd like a meatball, please.

Meatball, meatball, meatball, no spaghetti on my knees.

Yes, no spaghetti on my knees.

Yes, we do have that song.

Yeah, yeah.

But your one started on top of

spaghetti.

Oh, I've heard that one, yeah.

I think of that more spaghetti song.

You think that's, oh, yeah, I guess.

I, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then the meatball really is the star of the song because we follow the meatball on its journey.

Spaghetti is just the location.

And not even for the rest of the song.

Yeah, that's true.

The spaghetti is the bed where the meatball lays its head, is the end, isn't it?

Because the meatball sleeps.

Oh, God.

This might be a third meatball song.

Does it sleep?

The spaghetti is the bed where the meatball lays its head.

I sneezed.

It rolled off the table and onto the floor.

Yeah.

And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door.

And I know it goes on

from there.

It does keep on rolling.

But it goes on the journey.

The way I was always taught it is it goes on that big journey,

almost exactly the journey of babe pigging the city.

Does it?

Yeah.

And then

at the end of the day, it's a tired meatball, and the spaghetti is the bed where the meatball lays its head.

What would the tune be of that particular lyric?

Well, same tune.

It just and the spaghetti.

Mixed it up with away in a manger.

Where the meatball lays his head.

That's not this.

The meatball's got a gender at the end?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a head.

Well, that's part of it.

It's a goal head, isn't it?

The meatball?

That's what I assume.

Yeah, yeah.

This is changing everything I thought I knew about meatballs.

Yeah, I haven't heard the meatball lays his headline.

No.

Yeah.

Well, it's a very long song.

Also, I can't remember a lot about the journey of Pig in the City.

Pig in the City.

It's exactly the same as.

I know he goes to a city.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then comes on the fall.

Does somebody sneeze and then Babe.

Is that when he gets off the farm?

Yeah, so someone sneezes him off the farm.

Yeah, and he goes to Farmer Hoggart.

Farmer Hoggart really

has quite the sneeze on him.

Yeah.

Ejecting animals.

I can't believe you guys haven't heard the full song.

Well, no, yes,

he rolls out of the door, the meatball, but I can't remember what happens after he goes out.

Oh, he ends up in a bush at some point?

Oh, yeah, maybe he's

looking around in a bush at some point.

Then my poor meatball is nothing but mush.

Mush, yes.

Yes.

I think that's the end.

I mean, that must be the same.

I don't think he ends up back on the spinning.

He's not laying his head away.

No, he's dissolved.

His component parts.

He's been broken down into component parts.

There's a bit where he ends up on a construction site and they're

lifting up some wood and it's rolling.

This is Baby's Day Out.

Yeah, this is Baby's Day Out.

Definitely.

Oh, yeah, no, Baby's Day Out.

It's a real fairy movie, you know what I mean?

Sorry, Baby's Day Out.

Yeah, that's what you were thinking of.

Yeah, Baby's Out.

Glad we got got to the bottom of that.

Baby's Day Out.

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Well, what's your side dish, Paul?

My side dish is going to be Brussels sprouts.

Okay.

Which I, that was when I decided I had to learn to love vegetables.

That was the first thing that I ate.

I was at dinner at a friend's house.

I was in my early 30s,

and this couple was cooking for a large group of us.

So it was like, it was, and it was sort of like an impromptu dinner party.

And,

you know, it was a lot of friends and the couple I didn't know that well, but I really liked them a lot.

And I thought they were cool people.

And so

they made Brussels sprouts.

and i had this like in my head i was like well i don't want to look like a fucking asshole like i don't need me

they're not they're not a hamburger

and so i i said i i said i'm just gonna i'm just gonna eat them i'm just gonna eat them

and then they turned out to be good right and it was a real turning point for me in my life did you try and style it out like you always eat them and they're nice or did you actually say to everyone these are amazing did you start i waited for somebody else to say it first okay i thought they were good but i but i i was afraid of that very thing yeah

of acting like i was from another planet yeah like i like your earth food yeah

um but i uh i i i think i did make sort of yummy sounds while i was eating them

but somebody else broke the seal and said these brussels are delicious and i said yeah they really are yeah like as if i'd eaten them all the time

the perfect crime i know brussels yeah and these are brussels i agree

I can confirm your suspicions.

How were they cooked?

Because, I mean, Brussels sprouts, I think, still in the UK are absolutely reviled because they're like, they're boiled and they stink.

They were roasted and they were so good.

And

I've had them boiled.

And yeah, the smell is a lot stronger.

I can still eat them boiled.

I think they're my favorite vegetable.

But...

Yeah, roasted Brussels sprouts are so good.

Yeah.

They're so good.

And they're on like every menu here.

Yeah, they've really, in the last i'm gonna say in the last five years they've really made this crazy resurgence where they are on every single every place you go has brussel sprouts do you take credit for that at all oh yeah

i mean

you know i mean

it's something that happened here and uh i'm here yeah yeah and um i don't know it's

not for me to say

you've probably been putting in a good word here and there I mean,

I certainly, when I have them, I do make a point of saying, I really like these and they're very good.

Yeah,

yeah.

I say it the same way every time,

which is how you establish a pattern.

So it's easy for people to remember.

So by the time I'm saying to someone else,

you know,

I like these, these are very good.

They don't realize they've heard it from me already.

And they're like, yeah, I've heard that before.

That's a saying, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's the saying.

Yeah.

I very like these and they're very good.

Do you have the Brussels Sprouts song here?

Oh, yeah.

We have one.

Yeah.

Do you think it's the same one that you guys have?

Oh, I think it must be.

Do you guys want to start singing it at the same time?

Yeah, sure.

Were you kind of standing?

Three, two, one.

B-R-U-S-S-E-L.

Shut up.

I really like these.

Very good.

Yeah, it's the same one.

Very good song.

It's a great song.

He goes to bed.

No, hold on.

No, he never spun.

Huh?

I don't think that he goes.

Doesn't go to bed, do I?

Not in the song that we sang.

No, the song that we sing.

I'm so tired from the journey.

I know you think that.

What journey is this?

Or the spouts of little heads.

No, Baby's Day Out.

Yeah, think about Baby's Day Out again.

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, I bet.

I've never seen the movie, but I bet that baby, I assume it has a journey, he's got a day out, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He must be exhausted by the end of the day.

Oh, so tired.

Well, I mean, not as tired as the robbers that are chasing it, like the robbers that are chasing it virtually get killed.

Are you thinking of Home Alone?

No, no, it's like it's another, it was off the back of Home Alone.

People were trying to make films that were like Home Alone because it was so big.

And Baby's Day Out is like a baby just like crawling through the city, and there's these three robbers, I think, or like criminals robbers, and they're like, they're like chasing.

They're trying to catch this baby.

This baby is known to carry a lot of cash.

Yeah.

I think there's like something in the baby's nappy or something.

Something in the diaper, maybe you would call it a diaper.

I got it the first time.

And

the crooks are going after the baby and they're trying to get what's in there.

And they're just like getting all sorts of awful stuff happening.

They're really getting their comeuppance, this instant karma.

But like, yeah, at the end, the baby's kind of okay.

He doesn't even know what's happened.

And

the criminals are like, you know.

This baby brother doesn't even have object permanence, right?

So

the robbers are new to it every time.

Yeah.

If the baby's even aware of these robbers.

I don't think it is.

I don't think baby's got any idea.

I have a feeling this baby is just crawling around.

Yeah.

Robbers in the wake.

And then they get close to the baby and then, boom, hit with a girder or whatever.

Things like that happen.

Yeah, I think that must be it.

Also, I love that Home Alone did well.

So they were like, we need to make films like Home Alone.

There's a kid in the house.

Why don't we take a kid out of the house?

Yeah.

And we make the kid a baby.

Yeah.

Little kid, cute.

Yeah.

Baby, cuter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cuter.

And we don't have to write a character for it.

Two robbers?

Pretty good.

Three robbers?

Even better.

Even better.

Smashable.

Knock him about for the whole thing.

Smash the robbers.

It really smashed them.

Yeah.

Those robbers got smashed.

It's crazy now that I'm an adult and I know who Joe Pesci is in terms of like, when I was a kid and saw Home Alone, I was just like, that's a funny robber.

And now I'm like, oh, Joe Pesci.

Yeah.

Like an actually respected, good actor who like won an Oscar.

And like, incredible.

And actually, that's who I was watching the whole time.

He should have won an Oscar for that in my

IMO.

I'd have liked that.

I think I would have liked that, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I would have liked it, you know, if it upset the system.

Yeah, yeah,

when there's an upset.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When there's an upset there, um, also, uh,

who's the other guy, Howard?

Dean?

Daniel Stern?

Daniel Stern.

Howard Stern

is a different guy.

Howard Stern is a different guy.

Howard Stern

does his podcast, doesn't he?

He does a club thing, and he would be.

They're both of the same last name, but they have different first names.

But they don't look like each other.

I wonder if it's

if they, if they, it's like how

last names used to be occupations.

Yeah.

And they're descriptors.

So these guys, maybe they were very Stern.

Yes.

And they grew up in different parts of the country.

And so they didn't realize, oh, this guy is already, they call him Stern.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Have they ever met?

Have they ever met?

Wow.

They mustn't.

They must

Stern.

Have they ever met?

Have Howard and Daniel Stern ever met?

That's a good idea for a podcast.

Yeah.

Do you think they've ever been on a certain part of a boat?

Oh.

Starboard?

Close?

Or?

I would like to hear a podcast.

It's Daniel Stern, Howard Stern, and Laura Dern.

On a boat?

Maybe on a boat.

In the stern?

Maybe in the cinema?

No, in the cinema.

That's where you want to see the podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Podcast should take place at the movie during a screening of a film.

Yes.

And they're talking through it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Stun, dead, and stunned.

Because imagine how crazy that would be if you were watching a movie and then behind you there's some people just talking at a conversational level.

And you're like, would you please go, wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Your favorite drink.

Am I allowed to give two options?

Yes.

Yeah.

And then we might and we'll try and narrow you down.

I'm going to give two, I'm going to give an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic option.

Lovely.

I don't drink it much anymore.

It's very rare.

But beer, a nice cold beer.

God damn.

It's so good.

Yeah.

A cold beer.

Yeah.

Does it even matter what type of beer as long as it's cold?

It matters a little bit.

I'm not an IPA person.

IPAs began.

They're the Brussels sprouts of beer.

They started to dominate.

And then finally, there was some pushback from people saying, like, not everything has to be this.

A beer could taste nice, too.

But

I like lagers.

I like lagers.

So a nice cold lager.

The best beer I ever had that tasted the most like the idea of beer that I have in, that I have always had in my mind was I had it in at a pub in London and it was Amstel, just regular Amstel, which here in the States, we did not know was a thing because we had Amstel Light and that was it.

And it was just never, why are you introducing a variant of this beer we've never had?

And I was in a, I was working in London and I went into this pub and they had Amstel and I just thought I would try it.

And it was like the perfect temperature.

It was, it was so like beyond drinkable.

It was so good.

It was refreshing.

It was like, this is just like the drawing of beer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was so good.

My non-alcoholic option is, man, a cold Coca-Cola.

Yeah.

So good.

Nothing beats it.

Out of the bottle.

Yeah.

So good.

Welcome to America.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A cold Coke out of the out of a glass bottle is so good.

Straight up normal Coke.

Yeah.

We're not fucking around with with Diet Coke.

No.

No, no, no.

No.

Depends how long it's been since you've had normal Coke.

Not, look.

I'm not fucking around.

Yeah.

No fucking around.

None taken.

You got a nice cold Coke out of a glass bowl.

Or a pint of Amstel.

Yeah.

A pint of Amstill.

They're both very nice options.

Like all the way up to the top where you got to be really, you can't, you got to take a little sip before you walk back to the.

oh yeah play what might be titles

now not the coke

yeah i would like to you know what i'd like to see the coke

just

spilling out of the bottle yeah yeah yeah we overfilled it sorry

to wrap it out this never happens yeah now to try and make you choose between the two i want you to put yourself in the mind of the miner again

He's never far from my thoughts.

After a 19-hour shift in the mine,

you get back.

Knowing I have to be be back at work in four hours.

Yeah, you've got to be back at work in four hours.

What's going to be the most refreshing thing to, and by the way, you're taking a sip and then you're wiping the glass or bottle on your head as well to cool down.

Yeah, it's got to be that pint.

It's got to be the pint.

It's got to be that pint.

Yeah, we're going with the pint.

Yeah, that's a good option.

Yeah, lovely.

It's good.

It's also good with the spice of the pasta.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's good.

And the kids are so excited for beer night.

They're so excited.

They get to watch me drink beer.

Did you ever get given a sip of beer as a kid?

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and it was, you know, when I was a kid, it was revolting.

Yeah.

But it was intriguing.

Yeah.

One day.

I never forgot it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One day I'm going to like this.

Yeah.

One day.

I remember having a sip of beer as a kid.

I'm like, one day this is going to be a problem.

Yeah.

I've never seen a kid refuse it either.

Even though they know they're going to do it.

I've never seen an adult be like, I never thought about that.

I'm going to sip of this.

And the kid's like, no, I'm good.

No, I'm a kid.

Doesn't seem like I like it.

Yeah.

My palate's not developing.

Yeah, yeah.

Ever been wasted on me.

I think, I know that you like that drink.

Yeah, I want to deprive you of it.

I don't drink.

I don't drink.

Yeah, yeah.

I like stuff that's like real sweet or

else it's just like basic primal carnivore stuff.

You know what I mean?

I've got to keep a clear head.

I've got kid stuff to get on with.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Yeah.

No, thank you.

This time I'm going to let you get away with it, but one more.

I'm calling someone about that.

I'm a snitch.

I'm good.

One thing you've got to know about me is I'm a snitch

and proud of it yeah proud snitching old enough to just to understand that it's something they should be ashamed of yeah

I'm such a snitch I snitched on myself for being a snitch yeah I just completely sang like a canary about my own snitchiness back to the coal mine there with the canary yeah yeah

that's true always comes back yeah oh how disappointing when that canary dies and like oh

yeah

you'll be back any second to tell us what that coal mine's like but then you you got to get the canary.

Like, to make sure that the canary is dead, you still have to go in there, right?

I guess.

Once you're in there, it's a problem.

Yeah.

Or do you not winch?

You winch it back up, right?

What?

I think

you dip the canary and then winch it back up.

Winch?

You winch?

How big is this canary?

Oh, it's like, it's another cage.

It's in a cage.

It's an acage.

Can I tell you that never occurred to me?

You thought they just set it free?

I honestly,

when I, that expression, I always just pictured a canary flying into the the coal mine.

If it doesn't come back, I guess that's just

if it if it doesn't come back, it's either really bad or really great down.

Yeah, yeah, he loves it.

That's all we know.

He loves it.

The idea is that you release the canary down there.

If it doesn't come back, you've got to send a man down there to check.

What's the point of the

imagine being the miner going there to find trying to find a loose canary in a coal mine

on on your own.

It might well be.

Well the canary gone.

We should have wenched it down in a cage.

Impossible job.

That was fun.

That was fun to learn a new thing today.

It was very fun to watch you learn it.

Yeah.

Also, what was really nice, and sometimes it's like

I feel very privileged to be in the room during the podcast, not just hearing the audio, because you get to see people's faces.

And I got to see your face as it dawned on you.

I got to see your face when I realized what you thought happened.

I was like, oh, Paul thinks that this is a canary just gets thrown down a coal mine and flies down and then of its own will flies back up and tells them it's okay.

And

I didn't think he told them anything.

Also, what I was really enjoying is you were really laughing at me saying winching it down.

So you're like, oh, yeah, that's this guy talking about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you were insane.

That was the the

sweetest bit of the whole thing.

But here's why, because in my mind, I was.

You were picturing a loose canary tied up with a rope and being winched down.

Exactly right.

Yeah, exactly right.

How would you winch it back up because it can fly?

So, like, it would be ridiculous to try and winch it back up.

It's true.

Because it's already flying and the air.

It's true.

All of it's true.

There'd be so much slap.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess I'm fortunate that expression is

practically impacted my life

for sure.

But I didn't have to think about it that that much.

Yeah, yeah.

In that way, I'm lucky.

But, like, all the people in your whole life who have used that expression around you or heard you use that expression don't know that in your head, no, you were picturing something completely wrong.

No idea.

I understood the most important part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, the canary dies don't go in the mine.

That's all you know.

Exactly.

Yeah.

But, like, if that was a cartoon, it'd be like you saying, like, well, you know, it's like sometimes you send a canary down a coal mine, you know, and everyone's like, oh, yeah, Paul's really intelligent.

And then it would show like

your mind

and what you're imagining is going on, which is the fade into my brain.

Free throwing a canary down a mine.

Yeah.

And like, you're going, yeah, that's what happens.

Well, we'll give him another hour.

Yeah.

And if he doesn't come back, we're sending a man down there.

Yeah.

So the canary flying back up, yeah.

This cartoon sounds pretty good.

Yeah, it's pretty good cartoon.

It's cool.

People having conversations.

People having conversations.

And one person doesn't understand an idiom.

Yeah.

And then we consume into the seat.

easy to animate.

So easy to animate.

You have a whole thing in it about Ed thinking that meatballs have heads.

Yeah.

That makes you feel better.

You know, we've all learned.

I think so.

Not me.

No?

Let's see what we learn in the dessert course.

This is a thing that's very hard

to find the way that I like it.

And that is, because it's a thing that you'll see on a menu, and you never know how it's going to turn out when you get it.

And that is cheesecake.

Okay.

The kind that I like that I think is considered the New York cheesecake, except a lot of times it is not this,

is that incredibly dense cheesecake, super, super dense that is sweet and sour at the same time.

That's the, I love that.

It's like really high.

Like, it's just thick Yeah, just a thick piece of cheesecake.

Yeah, and sometimes it's too creamy.

It's too soft I like it when it's like you got to make a little tiny bit of effort to slice through it with the fork.

Okay, so is this a bait?

Is it a baked cheesecake or is it like a cheesecake where it's not cooked?

Is it just like the biscuit base with the cream cheese and stuff on top of it?

What are you saying?

Looks like Clark doesn't over yet.

So you know you could get cheesecakes that are like just like sugar and cream cheese on like a a biscuit base, and then they put it in the fridge.

Quite soft.

Or there's like a baked cheesecake, which is more labor-intensive.

You have to like, you make the stuff, you pour it in, then you bake it.

It's got like the brown crust on the top, and it's sort of slightly fluffy.

It's more that.

Yeah, it's that.

It's more that, yeah.

But it's, it's got a, but the, the, the texture is very solid.

It's very, you know,

it's not super creamy.

And that a lot of times it's you just don't know which one you're going to get.

Right.

And the cream one look, cream one's fine.

Yeah.

It's fine.

You'll take it if it arrives.

Yeah.

You'll be a bit sad.

Well, I'll be a little, I'll, look, I'll always be a little bit sad.

And that's not just concerning what we're talking about in this podcast.

Generally.

I'll always be a little bit sad.

This is a vanilla.

Now you've learned something.

No, I've never.

I've just learned that Paul will always be a little bit sad.

It's a little bit.

Yeah.

Nice to learn, not nice to learn.

Yeah.

Just learning.

Just learning.

Just learning.

Learning is neutral.

Learning is neither nice nor not nice.

No.

You just learned it, and now I know it.

Yeah.

I can

tell people.

It's up to you.

It's up to me what I do with that information.

That's exactly right.

Vanilla cheesecake.

What's that?

Vanilla.

Vanilla?

Cheesecake.

What flavor is the cheesecake?

It's cheesecake flavored.

But they must put vanilla in it.

Yeah.

Or something.

I imagine they do.

I've never made one.

Right.

But

there are things like strawberry cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake, whatever.

The default is just cheesecake.

Yeah.

Which I would not describe as vanilla flavored.

Okay.

Or where I come from, vanilla flavored.

I grew up in Philadelphia and that's how we pronounce it.

Vanilla.

Yeah, vanilla.

Vanilla.

I'm so gut.

Before we left the apartment, I had a different t-shirt on, but I'd been sweating and I stank.

Sure.

So I took the t-shirt off, washed my pits, and I put on this number you're seeing me.

It's a great shirt.

But what is annoying is the t-shirt that I had on originally was a Denix t-shirt with the pig and the Philadelphia.

It was a Philadelphia

sandwich t-shirt.

And now you've said you're from Philadelphia and I could have worn.

It's a Philadelphia sandwich t-shirt.

It's a sandwich I had in Philadelphia.

And he bought the t-shirt.

I liked the sandwich so much that I bought the t-shirt.

What kind of sandwich was it?

It was a thinly sliced pork sandwich with a bit of cheese, broccoli rub, and then all dipped in the pork jus.

That sounds delicious.

It's great.

It's for Redding Terminal Markets.

Oh, Redding Terminal is great.

Yeah.

I had seen that sandwich on Man vs.

Food 10 years previously.

I'd thought about it for 10 years.

I went there on my first day in Philadelphia, bought that sandwich.

It was every bit as good as I'd imagined it would be.

And then I got it again and bought a t-shirt.

And now that t-shirt stinks, that t-shirt stinks

like nobody's business.

And here's the thing, Paul.

Right now,

so much,

so many something turned.

Yeah, sorry, that was like,

put a little bit of sauce on that, man.

That's the wrong word I chose to do that on.

Here, the problem we've got right now, Bucket R Air B and B, is there's like, there's, there's a washing machine.

Sure.

There's two washing machines.

And me and Ed went to wash our clothes.

And when we went to wash our clothes, Ed put his clothes in the washing machine and

it was fine.

And mine one, there was a guy fixing it.

And he looked at me and went, that's good to go now.

That's okay.

Wrong.

Not fine.

It did everything up until the spin cycle and then just stopped.

And then I tried and it...

Did I do it again?

And it just made them even wetter.

And then I put them just straight in the dryer, completely drenched, and that didn't work.

And it actually just stopped the dryer from working because it's too wet and now i've had to put them back in the washing machine but the one that ed used right and it's really all i can think about right now is that they're still there and we leave really soon back to england do you leave tonight no we we leave on thursday but his clothes are really wet they're really wet and i'm really worried just have to leave them all here i mean the the worst case scenario i guess is you hang them up yeah no but you know it's really rich yeah but you know it's warm here and we do have a balcony

they're drenched no I know, but Thursday's two days from now.

Paul, I'm not joking.

He came back from the washing machine and he went, I think I'm going to have to leave my clothes here.

Yeah.

I was going to have to leave them here.

Because they're too wet.

So you don't think, even like in a plastic bag, they could survive the journey back to...

Oh, yeah, but they'll just stink of stale water by the time I get back.

I don't want to wear them.

Here's the thing.

That spin cycle is crucial.

Yeah, it really is.

And we take it for granted.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah.

We do.

So now I'm worried about that.

But

you're going to read Paula's order back.

Huh?

Do you want to read Paula's order back?

I was trying to open up and connect a little bit at the end.

No, we did it.

Still water, you would like.

That just reminds me of my clothes now.

Oh, no.

I don't know why I'm reading that.

They are still and forever will be water.

To order a glass of standing water.

You finally understand why I was so negative when you said water at the beginning.

You would like hot, fresh sourdough or

and a dark peasantry bread.

I wouldn't mind a choice, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Cream of the

basket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want your sister's recommended cream of celery soup?

Menu, rigatoni.

Lily Langtrees, that was the name of the restaurant.

Lily Langtrees.

Yes, that's where the soup came from.

Lily Langtre's.

Lily Langtre's.

Yes.

Cream of celery soup.

Yes.

Sounds made up.

Does everything have to be alliterated at Lily Landry's?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Excellent.

Rigatoni Arabietta with beef ragu, sauce and spice

is what's written there.

That's all sauce and spice.

Sauce and spice.

Sauce and spice.

I'd like sauce and spice, please.

Side of roasted Brussels sprouts from your friend's dinner party.

A pint of cold Amstel from a London pub.

And dessert, New York cheesecake-flavoured cheesecake.

That is a lovely menu.

It sounds like a lot.

Yeah, sure.

I feel like that's a lot.

I mean, ending it with cheesecake is a big play.

Yeah.

You've got to work up your energy.

You're back down that mine in a matter of hours.

Yeah, four hours.

I need to sustain myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you very much.

You've got to find that canary.

You've got to be chasing that canary around those dark and twisted, treacherous tunnels.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Paul.

Thank you, Paul.

All

Paul F.

Tompkins there.

Wow.

Wow, what an episode.

What an up, what a meal.

And thank you, Paul, for not saying the secret ingredient.

Alamony.

Alamoni.

Abalone.

It's known as many different things.

It's quite a simple fish, but it has many different names.

Abalone,

sort of the main name is known as.

Baboni,

Alamoni.

Any other guesses, James?

Oh.

Oh, no.

I'm trying to remember what the actual name is, but I genuinely still know it.

I literally just said it.

I know.

Try it again.

Abalone.

Yes, yes.

Well done.

Well, Paul didn't say it.

James can't say it.

Thank you very much for coming in, Paul.

Like we say, Paul has a brand new podcast, which is called Neighborhood Listen.

Yes.

Called Neighborhood Listen with Nicole Parker.

So go and check that out.

But he has such a rich and varied podcast career.

I would highly recommend Comedy Bang Bang.

Comedy Bang Bang is on that a lot.

The Pod F Tompcast is very, very good.

Also, I would highly recommend going back and listening to one of his stand-up comedy albums, all of them, but my favorite is called Laboring Under Delusions.

I've heard that so many times.

It's absolutely brilliant.

So go and check that out.

Our stuff, go on the Twitter and the Instagram at OffMenuOfficial and the website offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Go on to the iTunes store, rate it five stars, leave it a little review, just subscribe, do all of that nonsense.

We're gonna go and get a sleep.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.