Ep 44: Armando Iannucci

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I forgot about the podcast in the oven.

I think it's burnt.

I think it's burning.

Oh, actually, it's fine.

It's perfect.

Wonderful stuff.

Welcome.

I really went into character there, James.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Me and Benito got worried for a second.

We're like, uh-oh, something bad's happened.

He said, oh, no, no, he's just introducing me.

He thought I was having a stroke.

We thought you were having a stroke, but actually, you were doing a great intro to the Off Menu podcast.

Indeed, I was.

I am a very good actor.

I got deep into my character there of man cooking a thing.

Yes, excellent stuff, Ed.

Ed, what do we do on this podcast, man?

Well, here's what we do on the podcast, James.

We have a special guest and we ask them about their dream meal.

And just in case you didn't know what a meal constitutes, James has got the facts and figures.

Favourite ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Yes, that is what we ask people.

But, you know, a lot of people, when I tell them what the podcast's about, they're like, oh, okay.

You want to go, oh, guys, no, you know, we riff around it.

It's about the stories surrounding the meal choices.

Who are these people?

Oh, all sorts of people.

I've never met anyone like

they go, oh, okay.

Oh, God,

loads of different people.

I hate it, I hate it.

Probably people in the biz.

Oh, in the biz, mate.

People in the biz.

They got on my nerves.

F the biz.

F the biz

in the fizz.

Me and James are above the biz.

We flick V's at the biz.

Yep, we flick V's at the biz and we tell it where to go.

But apart from our guest, who is in the biz.

He's in the biz, but he's the good side of the biz.

He's the best side of the biz.

He's one of the best of the biz there is.

He's the best of the biz there is.

We are not going to fizz him in the biz.

No.

And our guest this week, James, is Armando Iannucci.

Yes, actual Armando Ianucci.

Very excited to have him in the dream restaurant.

I can't believe it.

We've got Armando Ianucci.

He's got his movie out now, The Personal History of David Copperfield.

I mean, everything that Armando's been involved in in the past.

What a CV.

It's been top-notch.

Alan Partridge.

Think of it.

Death of Stalin, which I went to see at the cinema twice.

Oh, incredible.

Just, I mean, everything.

Everything you like, he's probably been involved in.

Absolutely.

Probably had a hand in it.

But

even given that, that he's been involved in everything that we enjoyed watching before we became comedians and still, whilst we are comedians,

if he says a secret ingredient, we will kick him out on his face.

We will kick him out on his face.

We will kick him out right on his face.

And the secret ingredient this week is pickled fish herring.

Pickled herring.

Pickled herring, James.

We pre-agreed pickled herring, and now you've taken it to all pickled fish.

Do you want us to kick him out of the restaurant or something?

Sorry, mate, yeah, we will narrow it down.

Pickled herring.

Yeah, you're just going to change it.

Just food if you want.

Pickled herring is the secret ingredient.

Yes, pickled herring.

Fish and pickle, not for me.

Yeah.

Oh guess what, man?

Richard Herring always says he wants to get on this podcast and then we just made pickled herring one of the secret ingredients.

Bad luck Herring!

Bad luck!

I hope you're listening, boy.

Do you want to tell everyone why we've picked pickled herring, James?

Uh yeah,'cause earlier on I ate some at the Scandinavian restaurant with you and Benito and I didn't like it.

Yeah, your face all puckered up.

Yeah,

it was was like your face all puckered up, like someone had just snuck up behind your chair and put their finger up your bottom.

Yes, well, I mean, they might, I'd rather that happened

because

it was not nice, the pickled herring, and it was with egg as well.

Yeah, it was a sliced egg.

As in, sorry, he said egg.

I know I was there, sliced cold egg.

Yes,

you think that I just said Ed?

Yeah, I got confused.

It was with Ed or Egg.

Well, if Ed was an egg, he would be called Egg Scramble.

Yep, very clever.

Egg Scramble.

Thank you.

James Egg Caster.

Oh, James Eggcaster.

Do you like that, Benito?

The Great Egypt.

The Greto.

Egg Nito.

But Benito told us that we've probably got some more time on this when we

could riff a bit.

We could riff a bit.

And we've done that with the egg names.

Yeah, James Eggcaster, the Great Egg Nito, Egg Scramble.

Yep, that's our names if we were eggs.

Armando Eganucci, son.

So, let's hear more from the off-menu menu of Armando Eganucci.

Welcome, Armando, to the Dream Restaurant.

Yes, I can't believe it.

Welcome, Armando Enuchi, to the Dream Restaurant.

Now, that noise was our resident genie waiter.

Uh-huh.

Who's transported me magically.

Thank you very much.

While staying in my seat.

Yeah, yeah.

While staying exactly where I was when we started.

I know you like that seat.

I didn't want to move you out from it.

No, no, no.

I bring this sofa wherever I go.

Nice and nice and comfy?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Do you prefer sofas or armchairs?

Great, that's our traditional first guess.

I've reached the stage when you get as old as me, chaps,

you're like a good upright back.

Okay, you need that for the last year.

Yeah, for posture.

Yeah, fair enough.

That's something firm and solid.

That's nice.

Nothing woossy and kind of fluffy and not to feel held.

Yes.

Yes.

By the whole, the whole thing is the mother I never had.

That doesn't work as a sentence because everyone had a mother.

Everyone had a mother.

Yeah, it's sort of.

Everyone's the mother you never had, apart from your mother.

Yes, exactly.

There we are.

We've resolved that issue because that's been bugging me for some time.

You're the mother I never had.

Yep, I know.

Yeah.

I'm the uncle you never knew.

Yep.

I'm the sister you don't like.

I'm the cousin you once murdered.

Right, I'm going to have one of these again these days.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I bought some of this Norwegian Smash before we went to,

Ed Benito and I went to have

lunch in Scandinavian kitchen in London.

And they sell these

snack called Smash, which is not

me,

he told me he bought three bags of Smash, and I thought he's having a breakdown.

Yes, it's gone crazy.

It's large bowls of mashed potato covered in chocolate.

I've got these salty, bugle-shaped crisps that are covered in chocolate.

And we're having a good time over here.

It's being a good boy.

They look very nice.

I'm just trying not to snack, you know.

And I'm

not put off by the salt.

I just, I've had it with salt in caramel.

Yeah, you're done.

I'm done.

You're drawing a line in the sand.

Yes.

Yes.

It's very tricky to find caramel without salt in it now.

I know.

You tell me about it.

Because honestly, I've looked and it's very hard.

It's one of the labours of Hercules will be find caramel without salt in it and then you will have the golden fleece or whatever the myth was.

Oh yeah, yeah.

He loved that golden fleece.

Can you remember when it changed?

Can you remember when salted caramel came in and what it was like for you?

Because a lot of people have different responses.

I know exactly where I was when salted caramel happened.

It was about what, two years ago?

Oh, probably longer than that.

I feel like it feels like

it does it.

I know, emotionally, it feels like two years.

Was it the summer of salt?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good times.

I think it was like probably, I reckon as much as

nine years, eight or nine years.

Well, I guess it depends whether you're at the cutting edge of food innovation.

Yes.

So maybe it only reached you two years ago.

I know.

Yes, I don't know if you have to.

I also live in London, yeah.

And therefore, you know, these kind of very modern foods

only reached the Shires three or four years later.

Yeah,

you've got so much coming your way that's

what else tell me.

You've just come hot from the city.

What else do they have?

Avocados.

And not just avocados, they smash them up.

By smash them up, I don't mean they cover them in chocolate.

Yeah.

They smash them onto bits of toast, I hear.

Oh, yeah,

smash to a poly.

Oh, that's true.

They tell me, do tell me of turmeric.

What is

healing properties?

I met

now.

I can't remember.

Clark Peters, is it?

The actor?

Oh, the actor from the wire.

Yeah, the wire.

Yeah, yeah.

And he swears by...

By turmeric.

Yeah, he swears by it.

He says that can cure everything.

He's in a little garden.

He grows it in the garden.

And

he swears by it.

He's a healthy guy.

Is it turmeric he grows in the garden?

Or is he calling it turmeric?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe he learnt a thing or two from being on the wire.

You know what I mean?

That's the code name.

Someone might be listening.

Just call cups.

So would you consider yourself a foodie then, since we're getting on the subject?

No.

I don't know why I'm here.

Yeah,

I was very blessed because both my parents were fantastic cooks, really.

And so I grew up, everyone I knew was just amazing at cooking.

I'm terrible at it.

So I was kind of spoilt as a child on food, really.

Lovely.

I mean, it's very nice.

It really is wonderful.

Yeah, Christmas was every Christmas there'd be like five or six different Italian families who all owned an Italian restaurant and each year one family took it in turn to host everyone else at this restaurant and you just have amazing food

all day every like two hours a new call so it was like we'd start at 11 a.m.

and it'd go on to about 3 a.m.

the next morning lots of food every kind of two hours and occasionally we'd sneak out to find someone who had a house where we could watch Morkham and Wise and sneak back in and eat more food.

Yeah, I love that that's the secret sneaky sort of teenage thing to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't come up, yeah.

Don't come up with watching Morkham and Wise.

Say Mockham and Wise.

No, it's just because there was no telly there in the restaurant.

Right, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't like banned.

Don't watch Mockham and Wise, they are utterly offensive.

So,

what sort of dishes were being prepared at those?

Well, they've been fantastic pasta dishes and sort of meat dishes and just the Italians do vegetables really well because vegetables, you know,

I don't want to destroy, you know, healthy eating, but vegetables are boring.

But, you know, they were very good at just covering them in herbs and lemon and garlic and just making them the most delicious thing you've ever tasted in your life.

They actually make mashed potato really tasty by putting garlic and parsley and olive oil in mashed potato and eating it cold and you could scoop up tons of it really yeah I remember having I had an Italian singing teacher for a while

and

I've never heard this before have you not heard this

sometimes your life I feel like you're going back in time and having new experiences and then just having

just to try to impress Armando

I'm an Italian person yeah

my one Italian friend

She did become my friend, even though, like, you know, I was,

I think I was 21 and she was well into her 50s, but she became my mate.

And I go around and have lunch.

And yeah, like when she first

had vegetables at her house, it was a revelation.

Yes.

I thought, oh, actually, this is how it.

And then obviously immediately realizing what the trick was was that you put unhealthy stuff on it and make it taste nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, although, you know, as my mum still says to this day, you know, if you put olive oil and garlic and lemon, that's all healthy stuff.

Yeah, that's fine.

That's all, you know.

There are pockets of communities in Italy where you know the

concentration of centenarians is very high, and it's because they live off seafood and vegetables.

We're often told that the Mediterranean diet is the healthiest in the world.

I think I mainly learned that off like Olivio adverts.

Okay,

the big spread, the big spread on the table.

However, these Christmases, I also saw what people looked like if they ate pasta constantly for 50 years.

Yeah.

And

that's the danger signal.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Can't believe centenarians are real.

You can't believe there's even a word for them.

Or half horse, half person.

No, no, they only eat foods in quantity of 100.

So they'd eat 100 peas, maybe for breakfast.

About 100 chocolate-coated Scandinavian biscuits for a lunch thing.

But it must be 100, yeah.

How old do you think?

100.

Yeah.

great

end of question yes yes very exciting uh times for you at the minute because uh great films coming out you're saying that as if you're kind of revealing this to me also

what you don't know

is that you've got a film coming by the way that's that film that you wrote yeah they went and made it

behind your back

that'd be funny wouldn't it if somebody did if you bought the script to someone and they went oh no really interested and then a year later they bought you back and went we made it by the way.

But you'd like, yeah, I think that happens to people.

I think

that's why they have long, drawn-out court cases in Awkward because

that very thing happens.

It doesn't go down very well.

It's not like a nice surprise for the person.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, you made it awful.

But it's just the cast is like people you know really well.

They just didn't say.

You know how they all kept sneaking off and said they weren't busy, weren't they?

They said that we went off to watch Mocker and Wise.

They were doing, you know, the personal history of David Copperfield.

Here comes some, oh, interesting-looking.

Or not plain biscuits, but then we put chocolate muffins.

Chocolate muffins.

Sorry.

Are you going to put a muffin in between two digestive biscuits and have yourself an exciting sandwich?

The driest sandwich in the world.

No, but there's Mickey Mouse there.

There you go.

Perfect.

Perfect, isn't it?

Yeah.

For the listener.

For the listener with the screen.

I mean, you can probably somehow see this just

as if having a screen will let you see this.

Let's not describe it to the listener too much.

Let's make it a fun competition for everyone on social media.

Let's just say, with nothing but some digestive biscuits and some mini muffins, Amado has made a Mickey Mouse.

Send in your photos of what you think about the fight and how he achieved it.

So, you grew up around nice food,

but you never thought, I'd like to learn how to cook some of this.

You were like, I'm sorted, I've got enough people cooking it for me.

I remember when going off to university getting my aunt's recipe for bolognese,

which really saw me through three years.

Because it's pretty good, so you can impress people.

Yeah.

Did no one cotton on maybe the second time you cooked for them that bolognese is all you had in your repertoire?

That's right, and all it is basically is some mince

and some chopped up carrots and celery and a bit of a bay leaf and stuff.

Lovely bay leaf, that's the secret.

Most people aren't putting, most students aren't putting bay leaves in there.

Are bay leaves, do they work?

Do bay leaves work?

I've got, it might be a scam, you know.

Do you think so?

Because it's a safe industry.

It's based on

money laundering.

We're all in the pocket of Big Bay Leaf.

Big Bay Leaf.

Yeah.

It's a very clever market, actually.

Just put it in, take it out.

Yeah.

Because if you've ever leaved one in by accident and then bite down on it, it's not nice.

No, it's not nice.

It's just don't eat it.

Yeah.

So this bit of stuff you put in my food, don't eat.

Yeah.

What have you put in my food for, you idiot?

Yeah.

It's quite nice.

Oh, that's glass.

That's sorry.

I sprinkled some glass.

Don't, don't, whatever you you do, don't.

It just helps the flavour.

So, here at the dream restaurant, Amanda, we can get you whatever you like for your dream meal from anywhere around the world, anywhere from your life, any restaurant you've ever been to, any restaurant you'd like to go to.

So, we start though with.

Still sparkling water.

I think it has to be still.

Has to be.

Has to be still.

How come?

Have you ever been in...

There's a restaurant.

I remember the first time I was in los angeles or or la as i like to call it oh that's a pan shop yeah um

going to a restaurant where they they had a water menu

for some water you'd think they would bring you water but they come with a big thing with like all the different

and it wasn't like flavors it was to do with what kind of gases had been pumped through it or

or the the kind of density of the bubbles you know the wow wow yeah because we've always wondered if there could be a water with one massive massive bubble in it.

We've always talked about that.

And would that be the fizziest water available?

Or the least fizzy water available?

Yeah, because there's one big lava lamp bubble in it.

Yeah.

Just splooshing around.

I mean, that would be the place to get it, would be that LA water menu place, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Is that all they sold was water?

No, no, no.

That was just...

I thought it was a water bar.

That was just warming you up.

Now, in that, might call it the well, if it did.

Yeah.

If all it sold was water, I'd set up a little place that only sold water.

Well, strangely, the food was just sausages.

But only one type of sausage.

There wasn't even a choice.

Yeah, yeah.

For starter, for memes, for dessert.

Just all sausages.

But the water.

It's just amazing.

You still went because of the water.

In that moment when they showed you the water menu.

I'd call it bangers and splash.

Ah, very nice.

Thank you.

Very nice.

One of the best in the game, James.

Cheers, thank you.

Yeah, no further questions.

Did you nod along and sort of go, oh, very interesting.

Want a lot of sausages?

Yeah, there you go.

Ed, in case you haven't gathered, no one's listening to you.

Yeah, no, I'm trying to get the question out.

It's probably not worth it, but also, I'm now aware that the pressure's on for me to do a pun as well.

Yeah.

Because all three of us should really do one.

Yeah, absolutely.

Did you...

Pissing Link.

Yeah.

You've already had your gun.

Okay.

Chip of water?

But chip a lata, but chip of water.

Chip of water.

Frankenwater.

Oh no,

Frankenwater.

All the different names for sausages are going for it.

It's fun saying chippewata.

Cumberland and sea.

What, Jesus?

Cumberland and Sea?

Cumberland.

Oh, God.

Cumberland and Sea.

That's good.

What's a banger?

What was yours again?

Bangers and Splash?

Bangers and Splash was the first one.

Yeah, it's very good.

I think that's the best.

We're done though.

I think we're done.

What was the question?

Did you pretend like you cared about the different types of water?

No.

No.

Because also, when you're in LA, as I like to call it, you're always jet lagged.

And really, somebody asking you which type of water you would like when you've had like two hours' sleep

doesn't work.

So you just go, water.

Just give me water.

So you just have the house water.

The house water.

House water, whatever they recommend.

Pop numbs or bread.

Pop numbs or bread up man.

Pop numbs or bread.

Actually, bread.

Bread.

Yeah, you see, because then you can pour your olive oil out, you can dip your bread in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Going on.

Lovely.

What kind of bread

would you like us to bring you?

You want the olive oil with it?

It has to be a kind of like a ciabata or a focuccio, really.

Probably a ciabata, really.

Yeah.

A little bit of salty, salty bread is quite good.

How big?

Funny.

Salt in bread, great.

In caramel, tuck off.

That's where.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What about sugar inbread?

If we've been going the other way.

Not as a sugar.

No, sweet bread.

Does that happen?

I suppose it does.

Yeah, I think that happens, Ed.

Brioche, I guess.

Brioche, sugar and brioche.

What about Peswarinan?

Peshwari nan.

Oh, Peshwari Nan.

Nan's good.

Yeah, yeah, Peshwari Nan.

I'd go for that.

Yeah?

Honestly, my entire brain is consumed with trying to come up with a sausage brainstorm.

I can tell, I can see it all over your face.

It's really difficult.

I've known you for quite some time, and Cumberland and Sea is really haunting you right now.

Well, I actually thought that was good.

I mean, if our listeners could let me know, that was pretty good.

The splashings?

No, that's no.

No.

Even Cumberland and Sea was better than that.

Cumberland and Sea.

Yeah.

Is the bread that you've chosen, is that from

back in the day where you went to these big feasts?

Is there anyone specific in your family who made amazing?

Because it would be terribly...

blue by now.

No, I think a good deli,

good proper, you know, just solid, solid bread.

Solid bread.

Is there a deli that you frequent at the moment?

Is there what's the best UK Italian deli?

Oh god, I don't know that.

I don't know the answer to that.

Do you have one that you go to?

I have one that's sort of about ten minutes away that I go to.

Especially Christmas.

I associate Italian food with Christmas, really.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Got into a bakery over Christmas.

That's nice.

You're all wrapped up, warm.

Walk in.

Hello, Armando.

Hello.

Is that Armando saying hello, Armando?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it's.

Is that an Italian thing?

Yeah, that voice, that voice.

Yeah, yeah, it's a bad thing.

You say your own name when you say hello to people?

Hello, Armando.

It's Armando.

It's Christmas time.

Yay!

Just this voice for Christmas.

The rest of the year.

Lovely Christmas time.

Well, have your best bread.

Yeah.

So you want the best, you want the best?

The best bread.

The best bread

in the bakery.

That's hard, isn't it?

Asking a baker to choose their best bread.

Yeah, I know.

That's where you put them in the break.

We used to live in a place where the bakery always,

it's a baker's, right?

Its only job is to bake and then sell bread.

Absolutely.

If you went after 10 o'clock and you said, can I have a loaf of bread?

Oh, we're out.

I'm sorry.

And this would happen every day.

And you think, doesn't...

Doesn't someone have a word there and say, if you just cooked a bit more, you could sell more bread.

Stick someone at nine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I, to this day, I don't know why, I don't know why that happened.

You think it was a front for something?

No, but across the road there was a shop, there was a restaurant called Russian Roulette.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That turned out to be a front for something.

That's not a good idea for Roulette.

But also, who wants to go and eat at Russian Roulette?

Yeah.

Plus, apparently someone got food poisoning there.

Yeah, of course they did, absolutely.

There's only six dishes on the menu.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

And one of them could be fired at your face.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, why.

Anyway, so the bakery was always out of bread at 10am.

So for this

meal, would you like some bread from that bakery, but just like the lunch?

No, I'd like it from our local Italian deli.

Right, absolutely.

Good bread.

Some properly good deli.

Just good bread, the name of the deli.

That'd be a good name.

That's a good bread.

But then you would think that was a front.

Yes.

There's a bakery called Good Bread.

I'd be like, right, we'll immediately.

Good bread honest.

There's a place in Edinburgh, right down right down in the Royal Mile, which just has signs outside saying, like, refreshing drinks and has like a scotch picture of some beer

and nice food.

And it looks like it's been set up by aliens to like kiss humans and to eat them.

We're blending in.

No one notices.

This shop is actually

our nerve centre.

Yeah, just walk in that door.

I know it looks like a big mouth, but don't worry about that.

And there's a butcher shop next door, but you just wonder where are they getting all the meat from?

Just endless supplies of meat.

People are going in, but not coming out.

Then there's this meat here.

And I have to say, it's quite tasty.

It's delicious.

It's very popular.

All the meat has Christian names.

Wouldn't it be weird?

So your starter then?

Yes, starter.

That's always exciting.

Always exciting.

I love the starter.

I think it's got to be an antipasto.

It's got to be a kind of your salamis and your prosciuttos and your artichoke hearts and your

anchovies.

Lovely.

You know,

that was always, that's how we started.

I mean, we used to have these immense Italian Christmas dinners where

you'd have your antipasto and you'd just gorge on that because everything was delicious.

Then you'd have your kind of homemade ravioli.

All right.

Then you'd have your turkey.

By which time you're stuffed, you're absolutely stuffed.

So we just slice a bit off the turkey and just put it back in the fridge.

Because then this pudding, you know,

oh, that sounds incredible.

I love an antipasto for a starter as well because it feels, especially if you have it as a starter when you're having dinner, because it feels like you're getting away with having lunch and then dinner.

Yes.

You're going to eat your curls.

You're having a picnic and then you're eating an eyebrow.

Yeah.

It's great.

And also, there's no limit to the size.

Yeah.

If you put all the stuff out, you can just pack the ham and those kind of peppers, pickled salt peppers.

Little pickled peppers.

Little pickled peppers.

The pickled peppers.

Yes.

Pickled pepper.

Is it anti-pasteau?

Sorry, anti-past.

It's.

Anti-pasta.

Antipaste.

Antipasty or anti-pasteau?

What is it?

I've always called it anti-pasta, but I've a funny feeling it's anti-pasteau.

No, but now you've no, but now I think it's anti-pasta.

What about anti-paste?

Is that in the mix?

No,

anti-pasty.

Only in Cornwall?

This is

the movement has been shut down now.

Did the pasty tax ever happen?

Do you remember the pasty tax?

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

You've climbed back into your past and altered the facts again.

It never happened, James.

There was no pasty tax.

I've never seen a pasty tax.

I can't even believe that I asked you

if you remember it.

This man's political.

Well, you'll know he is.

Yeah, the pasty tax just sounds like something that happened in the thick of it.

Yeah,

but some of you would write for a laugh.

Do you know the very first episode of the Think of It,

the plot is that the minister wants to announce something, he's got the press in at school to make this announcement, and on the way he's told he can't announce it because they don't have the money and the Prime Minister doesn't want it.

So they then have 45 minutes to just dream up a policy.

And we were filming it in the car on the way to the next location, and we've done the scene.

And then I said, well,

we've got the three of you in the back.

Why don't you just improvise policies?

And I just filmed them improvising policies.

And they came up with these policies, and within five years, three of them had become law,

which is everyone has to have their own plastic bag,

pet ASBOs, and Chris Anderson came up with a national spare room database, which became the bedroom tax.

Oh, God.

Actually, quite terrifying.

Yeah.

That it's all just going to come true.

Absolutely.

It's dreadful.

Reality is dreadful.

He's absolutely delighted.

I can see it on Amando's face.

He's going, all the more more for me.

You're thinking, what great fuel for the fire?

I love hardship and chaos.

So on the antipasto board,

so we've got some salami.

Salami.

Some like

prosciutto.

Yes.

Prosciutto.

Some pickled peppers.

Some pickled peppers.

Anything else?

And should we say artichoke cards?

No.

No cake?

No.

Are you having more bread with this as well?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So this is where you get absolutely stuffed before you

get it.

And in a proper Italian antipasto, you would have motadella.

But I can't stand it, so I wouldn't.

It's a sort of, I don't know, what is it?

It's a sort of pork, slice, very thinly sliced pork thing with peppers in it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that one.

Yeah.

I like it.

It's got those white bits in it, though.

Yeah, oh, okay.

The white bits of chunks of fat.

I'm actually the white bits.

Yeah, maybe.

So the chunks of fat, yeah, I like that.

So motadella is banned from my

fantasy starter we'll throw that all out the window you can even you can even watch us just throw it all out the window yes thank you very much

into the sea pile all the the white bits into a bowl yeah and just throw it up

is there any other dish that is named after what it isn't or what it's what is that is that why it's called

anti-pasta though before your pasta does before

but it's not it's not anti-pasta

i mean they have yeah anti-for before before yeah i think it's against pasta i think that's what james thinks it is.

No, no, it's not.

No, I thought it was like...

It's a precursor.

Oh, okay.

I thought it was like against pasta.

We don't like pasta.

It's a very big amusebouche.

Right, okay, fair enough.

But of course, in Italy, if you go into the restaurant, you're expected to have the antipasta, the pasta, and then the main dish.

Yeah.

And you're absolutely stuffed by it.

It's a challenge, but one that's very welcome when you go in.

I know, because when you walk in, you're like, you're starving, you can't wait.

I've had many

enormous meals in Italy that

I shouldn't have.

But then it sounds like, you know, if it's lasting from 11 in the morning to three the next morning, lovely.

This is more just in Bologna or something because

you're like, yeah.

And you've got a kind of, you're going to a cinema to do a QA at three o'clock.

And they also pile wine on as well.

So

sneaky.

Yeah.

Sounds good though.

It's great.

I think we should all just move.

Yeah, I think think so.

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Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

So that tees you up for your main course.

So after you've stuffed yourself on the antique pasta, what are you staring down the barrel of now?

Well, I'm going to avoid pasta, really, because that would just be conventional.

I think a good risotto.

A good, solid, creamy rice,

meaty, mushroomy.

A meaty mushroom.

A meaty mushroomy.

Well, it doesn't have to be meaty, actually.

A good mushroom and asparagus with cheese risotto is fabulous.

Is that something you can cook?

I have cooked it.

I have been known to cook it, which implies that I've completely have no memory myself.

People tell me.

They're

constantly reminding you of that.

Yes, it's been a while.

I used to share, as a student, I used to share with three vegetarians.

So I gotta kind of

manage to spread my kind of repertoire.

Yeah, there must have been a nightmare when you moved in and they all announced they were vegetarians and you slowly threw your bolognese recipe in there.

It's just bay leaves.

It's just...

It's just

spaghetti and bay leaves.

Don't eat those vegetarian.

Done eat that meal.

Just sit in there and done it.

I slaved over that.

But don't eat anything of it.

You can eat the water that's in the pan.

Yeah.

The bay leaf flavoured water.

You're vegetarian, are you?

Hey, do you want to try this broken glass though?

No, I knew in advance that they were vegetarian.

So you could add...

But there was no kind of...

It's not that I was bringing in livestock on a regular basis, sure.

It was fine.

It was fine.

I think risotto is one of those things that

the vegetarian ones are better than the meat that is obviously.

So I think

the meat and it doesn't quite go with a rice and, you know, you want like potatoes or something with meat.

You don't want a rice and meat is not quite right.

Unless it's a curry, it's a really good curry.

Sure, absolutely.

But the mushroom with the risotto is the perfect combination,

I'd say.

Do you want a variety of mushrooms in there?

Oh, yes, please.

Yes,

I want to be surprised.

What's your top three mushrooms?

Oh, yeah.

That's a genuine question.

I know.

That is a genuine question.

I have no real answer.

All I can think of is shikate or whatever it is.

Shiitake?

Shiitake.

I only know that one because my dad always says shiitake because he enjoys that guy.

He sounds hilarious.

Yeah, he is.

He's very funny.

Lunch and and the family.

Yes.

And I don't even know what a shiitake is, really.

It's a mushroom.

I know.

But what kind?

Is it a big one?

I don't think it's a massive one.

I think often they come dried.

Yes.

And one of those ones that look like sort of...

you know, when you're sharpening a pencil.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It kind of comes off and it just curls around.

It's a mushroom like that.

I think the more they look like that, the better.

I think the more that they look like just like classic like you know the little tem and the cup I don't like them right I'm not into on board you like the weird ones I like the ones that are more they look like hands and feet yes

yeah yeah it's all like yeah

it's just uh really like ugly mushrooms yeah yeah the more that they look like they've been foraged in in the forest you've always rooted for the underdog though yeah absolutely my wife still teases me my wife still teases me about a photograph that we took on our honeymoon when uh we were in southeast asia and i can't remember which bit because we went all around but we went to

a place that was a mushroom farm, and it was a log with mushrooms growing out of it.

I took a photo of it, but it just looks like a piece of wood with mushrooms growing out of it.

It's not, hey, we had an amazing holiday.

Look, we went all around Thailand and Malaysia.

Look at this log with mushrooms growing out.

You got a hell of frames.

It's the dullest photo you've ever seen.

And there's little tiny mushrooms in there.

They're not like hands and kind of webbed feet or anything.

It's just.

would you like

those specific mushrooms?

Flown in from Malaysia or Indonesia or wherever.

And it'd be a lovely reminder of your honeymoon.

Yes, thank you very much.

Thank you.

So you've got a lovely mushroom risotto with lots of cheese in it as well.

Oh, lots of cheese.

Plenty cheese.

Yeah.

Key ingredient cheese.

Absolutely.

I think that for everything.

It's a key ingredient.

Keep it.

Putting it in as you're making it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that kind of Arab, what's the rice, the Arab, Arab.

Come on, you know food.

Oh,

what's that?

Right, all I can figure was our own cheek balls.

No.

No.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, man.

Anyway, anyway, those, those.

I do know.

I do know what it is.

Those rice.

All I can figure out was

that.

All I can figure was Cumberland and C.

I don't know what we're getting in my head.

Yeah.

So you want risotto with those rice.

Those rice.

Honeymoon mushrooms.

Honeymoon mushrooms.

And it's must have cheese.

It's served on a bed of mushrooms.

It must have had mushrooms.

We can serve it on the log if you want.

And it's just a question.

It's cheese.

Yeah.

And it's cheese.

And it's cheese.

If when you saw that log with all the mushrooms growing out of it,

and you also just happened to have in your pocket a block of cheese and a cheese grater,

would you get your wife to keep watch and grate the cheese over the mushrooms?

Just for a lot.

Even just leave it there, not even eat it.

Just grate it all over the log.

It's just like a blowtorch.

Yeah,

just gently simmer the log.

The log itself could catch fire.

So you'd kind of have like a

saucy base of the hog.

Very nice.

Sounds delicious.

Lovely.

Wrap some bread around that.

I mean, I think that would become a hundred.

If you were at a restaurant and they bought out a like a horizontal log with mushrooms going out of it, and then in front of you, they grated cheese over the top of it, flambéed it all, and then like you got to just pick the cheese

mushrooms.

Oh, yes, that sounds delicious.

Of the log.

That's Heston level.

That's Heston level.

Another meal I remember on our honeymoon.

Not that that was a meal, that was just a log full of mushrooms.

Just to be clear, you did not eat those mushrooms that left.

We were friends, right?

Because we were sort of poor students kind of going around Southeast Asia.

And someone said, we were in Singapore, and someone said, you must go to this place.

And it's a place where they train catering staff and they train restaurant staff.

So you can get like a five-course meal for the equivalent of £10

because you're the guinea pig, you know.

So there are people standing in the corner with notepads assessing the people serving you.

Wow.

Bread.

Amazing.

And I did think that I could ruin someone's career by just going, this is what I asked for.

And then I just marched out.

but anyway amongst all that I did order pigeon soup pigeon soup pigeon soup Okay, and it came in a sort of crock with a lid on it and and I lifted the lid and I was merrily eating it very delicious and my wife Rachel was looking at it just like aghast and then I could see why because I looked down and the pigeon was still in it It was a kind of there was a shriveled up pigeon

But actually it was really delicious.

But it wasn't shriveled up.

Well no it hadn't shrunk but it was you know clearly dead yeah

it was a dead pigeon in the soup uh no so just a little like beak well

yes i mean what i did because i i wanted to carry on eating i'm imagining the beginning of benjamin button right now oh you know like a shrivelled little oh wrinkly oh man yeah and and in the end i just carried on i put its wings over the side and its head over the front of the crop so there was this pigeon just staring out over like a goblin staring out over what i was going to say and he put everyone in the restaurant off

funnily enough

funny that so I could have their dinner as well

getting all the non-eating their pigeon round here anyway

So your side dish then, you've eaten a big anti-pasta because you're against pasta.

Yes.

And now you've got a lovely sanctuary side dish.

What is this this saddle?

What you got your eye on?

I don't want a salad.

Take it away, I don't want a salad.

Anti-salad.

I'm anti-salad.

So, whatever dish you want is called anti-salad.

It will have to be.

You could do broccoli really nice with a bit of chili in it and

nice and not too over-boiled.

A bit of crunch, though.

A bit of crunch still in it.

Yeah, I definitely want some crunch to some broccoli.

What length of stem do you want on your broccoli?

Well, not too long, because I think the longer they are,

the less nutritious they are, the less tasty they are.

Oh, okay.

I like a long

stem, a tender stem.

Okay.

Long tender stem.

How long would be too long for you, Ed?

It would, I don't mind it draping over the edge of the plate.

No.

But I'd like it to still be on the table.

Yeah.

Ideally.

You know what a snooker cue is worth?

I don't want a snooker cue.

It's not a broccoli.

It's not a cabo.

Yeah.

Have waiters limboing underneath your broccoli on the way past the table.

I needed to create a.

It's so long that mushrooms were growing out of it.

I want it to be able to be carried by one member of staff.

I don't need anyone on their shoulders marching out.

Poor bear as well.

I don't want funeral broccoli.

Yeah, you know, no.

But you would like a short ascend for yourself.

You can use them as like things to put a coffin on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're so hard.

It acts as like a trestle.

That's where things are going to be going in the future, but global warming and stuff, man.

We're making food do other things for us.

We're going to have to be using it forever and then eat it up afterwards

screens will be made of pasta yeah yeah like a beef car a beef car that runs off its own fat yeah yeah yeah yeah good idea actually yeah see that's just another one of those ideas in five years time there'll be another we'll be laughing then if we get it enough we will all be riding cows in the future yeah so that's what okay so that's what i meant by beef car essentially a beef car that lends off its own fat to cow

we just go to work on a cow yeah

yeah we're all just be going to work on a cow.

That's one of the things that I haven't thought about that in a while.

Would you trade your cow in for a newer one?

For a newer cow.

Never buy a new cow.

It loses money as soon as it gets on.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Wait, will you kick the legs, see how it's

came?

Medium stem broccoli.

Yeah, medium stem.

With chili, chili and all the chili on it.

A little bit of chili, yeah.

Maybe a little bit of salt.

But just a bit.

How big do you want the salt-like crystals on there?

Not like from

Utah, Salt Lake City.

Not like the flats of Utah.

Not like

Mormon salt.

No Mormon salt, thank you.

Not Mormon salt.

No.

No, no, no.

You know, because that's, you know, don't know what they've done with it.

Yeah, Matt married it.

Yeah, they've probably married it.

Oh, here's a question.

Yeah, a little bit of sea salt.

Off the back of that.

You've got to marry a food.

What food are you going to marry?

It can be a whole dish or it can be an individual ingredient like salt,

but you have to marry it.

I have to marry it.

Yes.

Not marinade it.

No.

Very good.

I think it would have to be that pigeon soup.

Yes.

Because it was delightful.

And you can look at it.

And it will bring back memories of my actual wife.

You've had to divorce for the sake of the fun food marrying.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, I was doing this podcast and I signed the contract.

I didn't read the contract,

and it does say I have to carry out all the ideas.

They do have to be, it's apparently it's a law thing.

Yeah, so, but I think I can then divorce the pigeon soup

and then we can remarry.

I think, anyway, it's it'll all be fine.

It'll be fine.

Would you name the pigeon soup after your wife so it makes you feel more like she's around still?

No, no, no.

I think, I think I would call it pigeon soup.

Yeah, you know, I mean, it's, it is you know it is what it is

who boarded pigeon soup who of your friends do you think any of your friends would be quite accepting of the fact you're imagine you're married to a bowl of pigeon soup

um

no no no no everyone would be worried about you everyone would be um everyone would be reporting me to the police yeah yeah fair enough because they'd be saying his wife has disappeared and there's just this pigeon soup in the house now.

I think something's...

He's a rated so it's paired over the top.

Yeah, yeah.

He's sat in so it's like in a jacuzzi.

Yeah.

I sort of put it on the telly so it's just lying there on the telly looking at me.

Oh dead beak.

Brushing my teeth.

There it is, kind of there in the mirror.

Can I have some of that

toothpaste?

Well be a fun joke if you could brush my teeth if I haven't got any teeth and then dead pigeon.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

What fun.

What fun.

I mean I know we'd probably have to move on but obviously for me the most fun bit is imagine that our mother is married to a bowl of pigeons.

Favourite drink?

My favourite drink, it kind of varies really.

I mean

I used to like red wine and I kind of remember telling me we were brought up on wine from an early age.

I would have you know Sunday meals at age 12, 13 and have wine and lemonade.

Oh wow.

Oh lovely.

Which actually is quite nice still actually but as i get older i've kind of found wine sorry white wine red wine red wine and lemonade red wine and lemonade

i'm trying that yeah yeah you'd love that yeah i would love it yes i didn't know i didn't know you could do it i thought it was like separate out no no no no it's a wine shandy started when i was a kid i had uh i mixed orange juice and milk together oh no that would all separate

old cottage cheese it was so the taste was so horrible and confusing that i heard under the table.

Were you trying to get away from the taste?

From your own mouth?

It was just me in the kitchen.

I was about probably five or six.

Okay.

Mixed them together, had a swig, and then I remember instantly hiding under the table

because it was so horrible.

I didn't know what to do.

It was so unexpected.

So red wine and lemonade.

I would never try red wine and lemonade because I'd fuck it with.

I'm going to go back because I've slightly gone off red wine, or wine generally.

Just alcohol,

I don't know, as you get older, I think somebody had, oh, maybe it's just me.

I just like it makes me feel miserable.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's probably true of everyone, but not everyone acts on that.

No, no, no.

It's like, okay, well, I guess I'm feeling miserable then.

But I didn't feel miserable before I had this trip.

It's actually making me miserable.

Yep.

You know, so.

Yeah.

I thought people drank to kind of get away from their misery.

This is inducing it.

This is like, like, I don't need this misery.

Sure.

That's fairly good.

But wine and lemonade, I'm going to bring that back.

Yes, I'm going to go for wine and lemonade.

Oh, yes.

And not light, not diet lemonade.

No, full sugar.

You need the full sugar stuff.

Cloudy?

Oh, no, no, no, cloudy.

No, no, not cloudy.

I can't be doing it with all this kind of stuff.

It's a bit too similar to Soto Camel, actually.

It's the kind of things I get which would be in the same class.

It's like vintage lemonade, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Class.

Classy.

Yeah, you won't.

Classy.

See-through lemonade.

Yeah.

See-through, yeah.

Translucent lemonade.

Is there a specific wine or lemonade that you'd like to mix, or because they're mixed up, does it matter about the quality of the money?

It probably doesn't.

I'm gravitated.

I've never been that

knowledgeable about wine, so I'm always, you know, at meals, I'm always the one to insist that someone else chooses the wine.

I have, however, gravity.

You were 13?

Do you want some lemonade?

What lemonade do you want to?

I'll have the Malbeck.

With just an inch of lemonade.

My seven-year-old buffer will taste it.

See if it's coarse.

Swirly aerobic.

Yeah, that's very nice.

So any wine, any red wine, any lemonade.

Yeah,

I like Malbeck.

There's a Sicilian wine,

Diavola.

Nero Diavola.

Well, I don't know what that means.

It sounds like it means devil.

I do.

Yeah, devil juice.

Just devil juice.

Devil's juice.

Sounds obscene.

The devil's juice, but then lemonade is is known as Machel's tears.

So that's okay.

Yeah, the perfect mix.

Mix those two together.

It cancel each other.

A sort of purgatory.

Well, that's what we can call the drink if you want.

Purgatory.

I'll have a purgatory.

That's one shot of Nero Diabola and two shots of fishy lemonade.

Cream soda.

Have you

cream soda?

I've not had it in years.

No, I know.

I think about it a lot.

Yeah.

It just tastes like bubble gum, really.

Yeah, it shouldn't.

It doesn't even taste like liquid no i mean i don't quite know what it what it is the flavor of yeah it's a sort of an invective like iron brew i suppose uh iron brew and lemonade

iron brew and wine iron brewed wood

iron brew and wine yeah iron brew and milk iron brew and milk oh no we're into cocktails

behind it under every table in the world we turned into a load of mixologists yeah yes yes we're crazy yeah

setting logs on fire with mushrooms on it mixing iron brew and milk oh great stuff.

Iron brew, milk, and wine.

Yeah.

Oh, no, you really want red wine, iron brew, and then a green drink to make a traffic light.

Traffic light

kind of

thing.

Creme de menf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bam, bam, bam.

Yeah.

Delicious.

Delicious.

No complaints here.

Appalling.

Yeah, or appalling.

So we'll be getting you a glass of purgatory for yourself.

Glass of purgatory, please.

Glass of purgatory.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be public.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

And now, the course that is my favourite course, the desserts.

You'd probably be able to tell by the fact I asked you if there was cake on your anti-pasta earlier.

Dick it all.

It has to be a sherry trifle, a good sherry trifle.

Ah, have we had a trifle yet?

I'm not sure we have had a trifle.

Yeah.

How many got through this without a trifle?

Amazing, right?

I would have thought we'd had a trifle until now, but yeah,

no trifles.

Now there you go then.

Why is that your favourite dessert?

It's got everything.

It's got sponge, it's got jam, it's got custard, it's got cream, it's got those sprinkled nuts.

It's just a whole adventure, don't you think?

It is an adventure.

I don't know if I've had,

I don't know when the last time I had a proper trifle was.

It's very, it's not, it's not in fashion.

I don't care.

No, no, I know you don't care.

No, that's why I don't think I've had one trifle.

We're not anti-trifle.

We're not anti-trifle.

No, no, no.

And by that, I don't mean before trifles.

No, no, no, no.

Would you like a pre-trifle?

It's saying that we're after trifle.

Yeah, we're after trifle.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It's never, it's very rarely an option in restaurants, is it?

Trifle.

Trifle, unless, and this will make you angry.

I don't think three words will ever make you more angry than this.

Salted caramel trifle.

Oh!

Imagine it.

No,

that's an appalling kind of.

That's almost like murder.

What if?

What if?

It's kind of.

What if?

Yeah, it's.

It's almost exactly like murder.

It is exactly like murder.

What if the pigeon?

Your honour, you he put a sponge in some custards

and then put in salt and caramel and the jury go oh he's going down send him down yeah but at the heart of the trifle was a dead pigeon imagine that the pigeon comes out of the trifle maybe not dead but dying

It's a delicacy.

I mean, most countries don't do it, but if you ask for it, certain restaurants will serve you.

A dying pigeon.

How would you buy the last trifle?

How would you build the trifle around the dying pigeon?

Because how much of a fight is it putting up?

Is it dying?

Is it like its...

I know, it's pretty exhausted because

it's feet, or is it feet, claws?

What are they?

Are kind of wedged between two

and sponge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Once you've got your feet stuck in sponge.

Yeah.

That's it.

And also the sharing makes it kind of moist, so it's quite sludgy.

Yeah.

So, any, you know, a typical pigeon would be trapped in

the more it struggles, the more it struggles, the more it gets sucked in.

Most pigeons would say, whatever you do, try and keep still.

Spread your weight, spread your weight.

And this particular pigeon.

So you are going to get, you know, inevitably, you're going to get a stupid pigeon

who doesn't know the kind of the procedure for getting out of

a lethal tripod.

So, yes, and then it's just exhausted.

Yeah.

That's when it's best to eat.

Exhausted.

The other way of doing it of course is to make the whole trifle, then bake two blocks of sponge onto the pigeon's feet like a mafia hit.

Yes.

Throw it in and then it just sinks with the

business.

Because then you might actually get it so it's already, you know, if it's trying to spread its weight while sinking, you might get the head and the wings.

over the yes like like you arranged it anyway.

It's almost like as if it's preserved like a demi and hears.

It's a kind of gasping pigeon sort of trapped in a kind of jelly

and sponge.

Yeah.

Lovely, delicious.

Also, if you're a waiter though, you've got to bring it.

If it's on the menu as dine-in pigeon trifle, you've got to get that out before it's dead.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean,

it's like a good souffle.

Yeah.

You need to order that 24 hours in advance.

Oh, yes.

So I'll read your order back to you and see how you feel about it.

So still water to begin with.

You're very firm about that.

You said

house still water.

The house.

the house water.

The house water.

Although house water sounds filthy, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah,

it's come from a gutter.

Yeah.

It's full of house water.

Chip out of bread.

Chibata bread.

Chip out of bread.

Chip out of bread.

One of the things about coming from kettle is you can't say chibata.

Chibata, I struggle with it so much every single time.

Say it again.

Chi batter.

Chibata.

Oh, great.

We're gonna to get so many tweets about this.

It's so hard to say it.

Chibata.

Chibata.

There you go.

There you go.

Chibata bread.

Right.

With olive oil.

Antipasta, pasto, pasty.

Yes.

With salami, prosciutto, pickled peppers, artichoke hearts, cake.

Notional.

Don't translate that into notional mortadella.

Main.

Oh, yeah, the mortadella's going out the window.

Yeah, main course, mushroom, asparagus, and cheese, risotto.

Yes, nice.

Also, you know, we can throw in the log if you want.

Nope.

Up to you.

Not interested.

Side, broccoli with chili, medium-length stems.

Yes.

Your drink, red wine and lemonade, aka purgatory.

And your dessert is a sherry trifle.

We've assumed you don't want the dying pigeon.

No, I do.

I think I know do.

Yeah, you do.

A sherry trifle with a dying pigeon.

Encased in the jelly and the

sponge.

Yes.

I feel good about that meal?

I think that's delicious.

I'm done with that.

Between what course?

Where in the meal do do you want to nip out and watch Morgan White?

I don't want to be out before the pigeon because you've got to time that absolutely.

So it'd have to be, you know, it'd have to be

before the risotto, I'd say.

Before the risotto, yeah.

Nip out.

Yeah, after that Tapaso.

At the past, you're kind of fat.

That makes sense.

That's when you want to go.

Well, you want to take a good 40 minutes.

Catch a bit of Morgan Wise and come back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Angela Rippin one.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, specifically.

Yeah, that absolute classic.

Classic, yeah.

Thank you so much,

thank you for coming to the dream restaurant.

It's been delicious.

Oh, excellent.

I'm glad to hear it.

And I hope you enjoy the dying pigeon trifle.

Oh, yeah.

Wonderful.

You're going to marry it.

There we have it.

Delicious and disgusting in equal measure.

I love it.

Fascinating.

Weird pudding.

Yeah, what an innovative pudding.

Yeah, I loved it.

Yeah, yeah.

All of it.

So many twists and turns, personal stories.

I love the whole thing, Ed.

What a delicious meal.

Wetarami.

Wetterami.

Oh, that's...

Yeah.

Wetterami?

For the sausage and water place.

Yeah.

You think pep sounds like wet?

Wetterami.

Okay.

Wetteroni, wetterone.

Wetteroni?

Yeah.

Because pepperoni.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Cause you went for pepper army first.

Yeah.

Like the

brand.

Yeah.

Rather than the actual sausage.

Well, I'll

splash

ony, splash army.

On the positive side, at least you didn't say these in front of Armando.

You just said your awful Cumberland and C one.

Cumberland and C was great.

Cumberland and Sea.

It just came at the wrong time.

I blew it.

You really blew it.

I blew it.

You blew it with it.

I wanted to riff with Armando Ianucci and I blew it with Cumberland and C.

Yeah.

I saw it in your eyes when it happened.

It was a big moment.

You'd wanted to riff in front of him for ages and show him how good you were off the cuff.

And normally you're very good off the cuff, actually.

I still stand by

not Wetter Army, Cumberland and Sea.

Yeah, obviously, you don't stand by Wetter Army.

I don't stand by Wetter Army.

I mean, I can't believe I'm still standing by Cumberland and Sea.

I've got to get a good one by the time we finish, James.

Yeah, no, I understand that for you.

And I'm, listen, I'm rooting for you as much as anybody else because I'm in your corner.

It's just you all took the names of the sausages.

All the different types of sausages.

Oh, bangers and splash.

That's not a type of sausage.

Bangers is another name for sausages.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

But the pun's in the mash.

yeah.

Bangers and splash, you see.

It's quite.

Because it's like sausage and water that the place sells, it's quite nice that it's got an and in the name, you know.

No, no, no, yours.

Look, it was the first one and it was perfect.

Bangers and Splash.

And then after that.

Good.

You know.

I wonder who I'll be cast as in the next

Amanda Million Uchi film.

I'll be sure to thank you in my Oscar spot.

He's got a Hugh Laurie, mate.

He doesn't need you.

Doesn't need you, mate.

Off-brand Hugh Laurie.

Didn't hear Hugh Laurie say bangers and splash earlier?

No, he's too busy, mate.

Hugh Laurie?

What?

You're an off-brand Hugh Laurie.

What?

Why people ask for me?

Hugh Laurie's too busy.

That makes you Stephen Fry.

He's in the city.

Thank you.

Yeah.

If anything.

Stephen Fry and sausage.

As soon as I said that, I realised I was

absolutely giving you a compliment.

Thank you.

Fried egg.

Hugh Laurie is too busy.

He's in the personal history of David Copperfield.

Absolutely.

And he's in a new TV show, Avenue 5, which is out now on Sky One and Now TV, and has also been written by Amando Yanuchi.

Ah!

I'll be expecting the call soon.

For what?

Get a role in that for the Bangladesh and Splash Guy?

It's too late.

Bangers and Splash Guy isn't a character, mate.

Gonna be soon after that great riff I did earlier on.

I don't think he's gonna be writing a sitcom called Cumberland and C anytime soon.

What did that one?

Turns out I am.

Time for the new guard.

Ed Gamble.

Oh.

Cumberland and Sea.

Okay, so you've successfully pitched yourself to yourself, have you?

Yep.

Well done.

Thank you.

Not even I've got confidence.

As the commissioner or the ideas, man.

But you read your own thing, Cumberland and Sea.

Actually, you know, if there's any listeners who think they can turn Cumberland and Sea into a good sitcom?

No,

I'm doing it.

I'm turning it into a good sitcom.

Maybe someone with some fresh ideas.

What was good about the episode, especially, was that he didn't say pickled herring, so we could have a lot of fun with him.

We didn't need to remove him from the restaurant.

It was a big relief he didn't say pickled herring.

I was worried at one point he said pickled peppers.

I was like, oh,

oh, we're going near the pickle jar.

Luckily, Peter Piper did not pick a

pickled herring.

If you like the sound of any of the restaurants that have ever been mentioned on the Off Menu podcast, we get a lot of correspondence saying, What was that name of the restaurant you said?

Do you have any restaurant recommendations?

All of them are on the website.

Absolutely.

Go on the website.

It's a big list there.

You can click on the links and it takes you to the restaurant.

You can open the website as well.

It's a

great page, and it'll be quicker and more efficient than Tweeted Ponato on Twitter.

He doesn't have time for it.

Off manypodcasts.co.uk.

And Ed, speaking of Benito, you know what else?

That cheeky little chappy, he doesn't just do our podcast.

What?

Oh, I suppose what I found out lately, right?

He's scampering around with other comics and he's doing other stuff, putting it out there for people to listen to.

He's done a podcast with Rob Orton, right?

I love Rob Orton.

Yeah, we love him, right?

Amazing comedian poet, right?

So good.

I was so angry.

I was like, I'm going to listen to these episodes to really, like, really, so I can just completely destroy Benito about how rubbish his podcast is.

But it's brilliant.

Oh, no.

It's so annoying.

Classic Benito.

He's such a brilliant poet.

No one wants him to win, but he always does.

Loads of really short, short episodes.

He's doing like an episode a day, I think.

A daily podcast.

A daily podcast.

I mean, I've never heard the like.

Literally short episodes.

And this man's mind and

his poetic tongue.

Benito?

Huh?

Benito's mind and poetic tongue.

Yes, he just knows how to pick the best.

He picked Rob Orton.

It's so great.

Well, maybe everyone should go and listen to the Rob Orton Daily podcast then.

Rob Orton, who knows what poems he might write?

Why, he might write a poem about his new best friend, Benito.

Benito, Benito, my little Benito.

He has lovely feet, oh.

Oh, I would never cheeto on my waifo with Benito.

We've been sent some food, James.

Oh, we have?

We've been sent some chocolate from the other bar chocolate.

The other bar?

The other bar.

Not that bar.

Oh.

The other bar.

By the other woman.

Like we're cheating on our usual chocolate.

Oh, sexy affair chocolate.

The other bar.

I wonder where that's going.

Fruits for drinks, which I've used already.

They're little dried fruits that come in a bag and you pop them in like cocktails and stuff.

You put them in your drink.

Yeah, boy.

Like dried citrus and stuff?

Yeah.

Do they come with a little mini diving board?

They don't come with a little mini diving board.

I'm not.

I'm picking them off of that.

Do you think everything that goes in a drink should come with a mini diving board?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to start marketing marketing little glasses that have little diving boards on the side so you can ping your fruits into them.

That's great, and you could sell like an ice cube mold, which is in the shape of a diver.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Absolutely perfect.

You just got in on the business at the ground floor.

Yes, because I'll be honest, Cumberland and Sea was not working out for me.

No.

Oh, Ed.

That was a lost cause and we all knew it.

But actually, now with ice cube divers,

we're going to make millions.

Dragons, it's over to you.

Oh, and shout out to Beavertown.

Beavertown beer.

Glug, glug, glugs.

Glug, glug, glugs, suckers.

We love that anyway.

Glug, glug, glug.

Thanks for the free beer, you absolute suckers.

Absolute suckers.

We already liked it.

Ha ha.

Oh, I love a pint of neck oil.

I love gamma ray if I'm feeling fruity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gamma rays.

A bit strong if you're just having a couple of pints, but if I'm in for one, I'll have a gamma ray.

But anyway, thanks for the free stuff, Beavertown.

Bad luck.

I even own a jacket with the Beavertown logo on.

He does.

He actually owns that, and people bully him for it.

They don't.

No one bullies me for it.

I mean, no, it's cool.

Oh, behind my back.

Yes.

So thanks, Beavertown, and thanks to everyone who sends us stuff.

It is much appreciated, and it goes to a very good home.

Thank you.

And thank you to Smash from Norway because I just ate a whole bag of it and I feel great.

James, I'm going to Norway on my European tour.

Would you like me to bring you back a big bag of Smash?

Yes, I would, Ed.

Where else are you going on this European tour?

I'm going to Sweden.

I'm going to Holland.

I'm going to Belgium.

I'm going to Greece.

Would you believe?

Whoa, I don't believe it.

Going to Dublin, going to Belfast.

Thank you so much for this.

Yeah, I think that's everywhere, to be honest.

That's an excellent tour, Ed.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

We'll be back again with another wonderful guest and meal.

Don't go hungry.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure, now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.