Ep 27: Jordan Banjo

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Oh, is that your tummy rumbling, I hear?

Then it must be time for the off-menu podcast with James A.

Caster and Ed Gamble.

Hello, Ed, how are you?

Fine, thank you.

Just can you ignore that brilliant intro?

Yeah, it was a very good intro.

I can't compliment you on it every time.

You gotta learn just to be professional about it.

All right, cool.

Welcome to it then.

Very good, very good, mate, very good.

Introduction.

Well done.

Welcome to the podcast where we speak to a special guest about their dream meal in a dream restaurant.

James is a genie.

We're going to ask them their favourite ever, or the best ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink they've ever had.

Not in that order, though.

Not in that order.

No, we'll mix it up to the traditional order.

Well, yeah, the traditional, or hopefully you know what the order of the order is.

Well, guys, one of the best things about doing a food podcast is people start sending you food.

Thank you.

It is a dream come true that we get sent so much free food.

And it tends to be things that we mention now and again.

And also, people just seem to read our minds and send us the sorts of things we like anyway.

Yeah.

For instance, we are sat here looking at a massive, like, corner shop-sized box of naked bars.

Which I love naked bars.

And these are the new salted caramel flavour.

And I'm very excited to have a whole box of the bars.

And not only, James, are they a box of naked bars?

What do they say on them?

It says, naked, James Acaster.

So James Acaster should say the flavour.

Yeah.

I'm really happy about that.

So if you just want to get naked James Acaster in your mind.

Yeah, if you want to all think about naked James Acaster.

Naked James Acaster, then there it is.

It's very exciting indeed.

And apparently there is a box waiting for me somewhere else.

So help me God.

If mine say naked James Acaster, I'm going to fucking kick off.

Are you?

No, I'm going to eat them.

Yeah, yeah, you would love it.

I'm going to gobble them all up while imagining naked James Acaster.

Kingdom of Sweet sent us some stuff as well.

Thank you, Kingdom of Sweets.

I mean, you know, that's some crazy stuff.

Yeah, that's some balmy stuff you can't get in the UK, normally.

Yeah, well, you can.

The Kingdom of Sweden.

You get the Kingdom of Sweet.

Good on them as well.

They sent us some Swedish fish, which I'm very happy about.

They're my favourites.

And some, which I've not tried yet, but I'm very excited.

Some matcha ice cream-flavoured Oreos.

Yeah.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Yeah, that'll be very interesting.

Our guest today is the one and only Jordan Banjo from dance group Diversity.

Yes, please.

You may have seen them on the TV.

Dancing.

And it's our second person from the jungle.

the jungle.

Yeah, so Jordan was in the jungle with our least popular ever guest, Joel Domit.

Yes, I mean, we were very worried, you know, Jordan coming in.

But

hopefully he'll be okay.

And Jordan will not go down the same awful path as Joel, which is a path covered in vomit and

regrets.

And protein powder.

And protein powder.

A lot of people still ragging on Joel.

The path we really hope he doesn't go down is by mentioning the secret ingredient that we absolutely hate.

Every week we have an ingredient that, if our guest mentions it, they will be removed from the restaurant forthwith.

And this week, James, the ingredient is lavender.

Lavender.

Hate lavender-flavoured stuff.

No, thank you.

I guess we're mainly looking at the dessert on this one.

Yeah.

If he does like a lavender cake or, I don't know, a big plate of palmer violets.

I completely agree with you.

Why put lavender in food?

It's not a...

Massage oil should have lavender in it.

Yeah, I don't want to.

I don't want to eat massage oil.

Thank you you very much.

Thank you very much.

I'll have a massage.

Thank you.

Yes.

If anyone's listening, if you want to send us a free massage.

Speaking of naked James Acast,

but we do not want lavender in the food.

If Jordan mentions lavender, he can hot-foot it out of here.

Yeah, he can backflip out the door.

But see you later.

Moonwalk straight into your car, Jordan.

Yeah, do the running man, for real.

So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

This is Jordan Banjo.

Welcome to the Dream Restaurant, Jordan.

Thank you very much.

Welcome.

Matching socks, just for me this time.

Yeah, matching socks.

Jordan, Jordan's listened before.

He knows about the podcast.

I'm a fan of the podcast, guys.

I'm a big fan.

You're fully up to date on

the warm socks.

Matching socks, but for the listener, they're on my hands.

Matching socks on my old hands keep me warm.

What have you got on your feet today?

Odd flippers.

That's actually more difficult to find odd flippers than matching flippers.

You'd have to buy two pairs.

Yeah, you have to buy two pairs.

Yeah, yeah, and then lose one of them.

How do you lose a flipper, guys?

Yeah, got a couple of odd flippers on today, some matching socks on my hands.

Make an effort for Jordan coming in.

You're looking rather fine than good.

Yeah, and you'll notice that I did a backflip out of the lamp.

Especially for you.

Especially for you, Jordan.

Guy full out.

Yeah, so

consider me for

the truth.

We are called diversity, but there are no genies.

It's more diverse.

See, that's what the genie community are actually

very angry about you, knowing your name.

What is this?

Once again, genies get overlooked.

Although, shout out to Will Smith.

He's repping now.

Oh, he is.

He is.

Well, he's repping something.

Smurfs.

He's terrible CGI.

I mean, I'm a big Will Smith about that.

but he's a terrible CGI in advert.

It's a shame.

It's a shame.

It wasn't ideal.

It's not how we all look.

Actually, we're angry about Will Smith.

But yeah, just so you know, he's not repping anyone.

Furious.

Does it say Poppado's or Bread once?

Well, we don't.

The film hasn't come out yet.

They've got time to add that in in ADR.

Could do the song.

They might get you in in ADR.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, never heard a friend like me.

Popped on's or bread.

Yeah, yeah.

Shout at

mid-sentence.

I think the song I would like to ambush is I Can Show You The World, a whole new world.

Yeah.

That's a really slow and the genius not even in it.

So just to suddenly appear out of nowhere, that'd be pretty good.

Pop and arms on bread, Jasmine.

Yeah, exactly.

And even just, this is quite promising.

Jordan's listened to the podcast before, but even then, when I was doing an impression of you say popped up's on bread, Jordan's still jumped.

Yeah, Jordan's still jumping.

You know, the funniest part is all of my friends take the nickel because I'm the jumpiest person.

Literally, if someone knocks at the door, I jump.

I don't know what it is.

I'm just really easy.

It's literally your job, Jordan.

To be fair.

Yeah.

You're not scared.

You're just ready to dance at any opportunity.

Every time you're practicing, Jordan's scared again.

So scared, Jordan.

Are you a foodie, Jordan?

Do you know what?

I'm not a foodie because I feel like my scope of food is very limited.

If it's not bread, meat or cheese,

it's very limited.

I don't really like sauces that much.

I don't go to fancy places that much.

Yeah, so, but I like food.

Yeah.

I mean, I like what I eat.

You like what you eat, but it's a small window of food.

What do you like sauces?

The Paul Rudd approach.

Yeah,

we've got a rudding.

It's not like, I just feel like it overcomplicates stuff.

And I'll say this as well.

It's not that I don't like it, it's that I don't like trying new stuff.

So, like, if someone gives me like, like, every time, like, I've never tried, I've never tried salsa before.

You've never tried salsa.

I've never tried salsa, never, ever in my life.

Like, so if I get like a big, like a big bowl of nachos or whatever, I'm like, like, if I go TGI's, I just, I love their nachos.

And I was like, can I literally just have chicken and cheese?

She's like, no sour cream, no guacam, no, literally, just chick, extra chicken, extra cheese.

And they bring over the little plate of sauces and like self-strain and stuff.

And I'm like, I just don't want to try it.

So if you're eating just chicken and cheese nachos, is there enough moisture in the cheese?

Because that to me sounds like once you get past the first layer of cheese, you're just eating a plate of nachos.

Let me just shredded cheddar cheese.

So essentially what I end up having is I order like, I have to get the share

because I don't eat any of the nachos underneath.

So, I get the shareable just so I can have a bigger top layer.

Yeah, the top layer, and then you leave, just all the dry nachos, and the sauce is untouched.

And the waiter comes along and looks at it and goes, What has happened?

Free lunch?

So, chances are, if you've been to TGI's and you order the nachos, some of your nachos might have originally been on your plate.

Yeah, they've been recycling.

Here comes old top layer, top layer, top layer again.

Break out his bowl, same bowl.

Wow, that's so.

I mean also you're shouting out to Nachos early, which is a bit concerning because we've had your jungle mate Joel Dommit on.

He chose Nachos as his starter and then the rest of that episode took some frightful turns.

And he's still getting heaped for it.

Yeah, he is.

I already have a feeling that eating just the top layer of nachos is going to

cause some online controversy.

But luckily it's not one of my

well, technically it kind of is a, but it might be kind of an option.

It will make sense for me to take a starter.

It'll make sense.

It's going to be a topping, that's it.

Just toppins.

Well, first of all, would you like still or sparkling water, Jordan?

Always still.

Always still.

Always still.

Always still.

And I've only just started, like, it's good you mentioned Joel.

I only started drinking water.

after the jungle.

So within the last three years.

Oh, what?

Two and a half years.

Okay.

You've never had water before?

I have, but only with like Robinson's, like, like juice.

This is the message.

No, no.

I promise you now.

What are you talking about?

You've never had a glass of water.

I've got genuinely from somebody else.

How old were you when you came out the jungle?

24.

And lost it?

24?

24?

I'll be serious.

24, you've never had a glass of water with your life.

I mean, someone,

I've tried water, but it just made me gag.

Made you gag.

Water made you gag.

I felt like I was like drinking spit or something.

I can't wear gum shields.

I've always played rugby.

I've taken my gum shield out because you get to build up a spit and it makes me feel like.

That's more understandable.

Yeah,

water, that's what it.

Yeah.

If you thought water was spit.

Well,

I was aware it wasn't people just spitting in bottles and putting it in.

But

you've got a very active job.

I know, and that's what I used to, whenever we went on tour and stuff, I used to always get really bad cramp because I wasn't drinking enough.

You don't drink water?

What would you have if, so if you're tired out,

you've been dancing.

Yeah.

What do you have to refresh yourself?

A little bit of summer fruits, Robinson.

A little bit of summer fruits, Robinson.

And the ratio was completely off.

It wasn't until I was about 16 I realised I was doing way more Robinson's than Walter.

I was literally flipping it on his head.

Yeah, yeah.

So you were having a tiny little shot of water and then topping it over with a bottle of Robinson's.

That was about it.

I did that by accident once.

I did that by accident once at a Roler Disco when I was 10.

My friend had a Roler Disco party and they had a little station set up for drinks and you all skate around and then just grab whatever drink you want and I thought they'd pre-diluted it so I had it.

I downed a whole cup of straight Robinson's cordial.

And how was that for you?

Absolutely awful.

Did you then go around the loyal school like a rocket?

Deloads of raps, flat, laps on your farm.

Yeah, it did help.

It helped with my movements, so I can see why you would go to the bottom.

Straight Robinson, guys.

It's better than Red Bull.

Straight Robinson's.

You came out of the jungle, and that's when you had water for the first time.

So it was in the jungle.

So I'd never drunk water before, and that was one of my main concerns about going in.

And I said to Joel, I was like, when I was in there, I was like, dude, I just really don't like water.

And when they're taking you to different trolls and stuff, obviously all the crew, you can see they put like drinks in the front of the car.

They've got stuff around.

So I admit this now, and I've never admitted it to anyone.

One of the camera guys got out the back to go and check because you're not allowed to see the troll before it's ready.

So they check everything's covered and then they take you through.

And he got out and he left a half-drunk bottle of, I'm assuming it's not Robinson's in Australia, but whatever it is.

And I finished his bottle.

Robinson's.

I'm assuming it was something like of Cordill.

I finished it off.

And, you know, I had no shame.

That was on the first trial.

But then that was like, that was after about two days.

And I was already clucking for some Robinson's.

I was there inching myself in the back of the van.

So, two and a half weeks in, obviously, you have to, I had to drink water because there's nothing else in there.

But the problem with the water was it was always pretty much hot because you have to boil it first.

And every time someone was checking if it was boiling or not, they were basically just wafting ash from the fire into it.

So, it just tasted like smoky water.

So, when I finally came out and drank a normal bottle of water, I was like, nah, this isn't that bad.

So, if you don't like water, drink something disgusting for a while and then go back to it.

You had a really bad introduction to water, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, like, I love how you're really worried about water being like spit, and then you drink a guy's half-drunk finger of rubbish

because obviously backwashed into it all sorts of desperate times, desperate times.

But you know, never sparkling, though, never sparkling.

No, no, I don't know.

If you've only just moved on to still, we're not expecting you to.

I'll catch up with you when you're 50, George.

Otherwise, we'll see if you've had something.

I feel like sparkling is the reason why I was put off water in the first place.

Because when I was younger, I thought that there was a big my dad loved sparkling water, right?

And I thought it was lemonade.

So I've gone up to take a big swig of it.

Oh, yeah, and you got a nice taste of farts.

I was like, No, that's not for me.

It's just that's just the taste of disappointment, isn't it?

We can't speak this morning, yeah.

I've spoken about this to the podcast before, and I had licorice torpedoes for the first time.

It was the first time I ever had licorice, and I thought it was jelly beans, right?

So then I hate licorice, and that was because like I was expecting jelly beans and then got them.

So, like, I understand that with the sparkling water,

can relate.

Pop it up, bed, Jordan!

Pop it up, bed!

I knew it it was coming as well.

In my head, I listened on the way in.

I listened to what I needed.

I went straight off the water.

It's Popadom's or bread.

Actually, that's like straight off the water.

It's an advert or a sound effect, and then Poppadom's or bread.

I wasn't waiting for it.

So, were you expecting us to do the advert?

That way it's both surgery.

I ain't yanking your chain, buddy.

That was what I was waiting for that.

That's what I was waiting for.

Something along them lines.

Absolutely.

That is one of the best reactions we've had.

That was Papa.

You were like, it's like it was a gunshot.

The way you reacted.

Popping ons or or bread.

I'm going to go bread purely because it's a little bit of a cheat, right?

Because if I understand the rules of the podcast, I can have any bread I want.

Yes.

Yeah.

And I love, love, love garlic bread, but I sort of becomes a starter.

But if I can have any bread I want, I'm going to go for garlic bread with mozzarella and caramelized onions from Prezzo.

Wow.

Yeah,

you've hacked the podcast.

I'll allow us to be hacked.

That's good.

Absolutely.

So good.

I love it.

What's great about it?

I've never had it before.

It's the onions, to be honest.

Because like I said, I'm not really, and I only tried that last year.

For me, it's always been plain garlic bread and cheese with some ketchup.

And then my girl was like, I'll try a bit, try a bit.

And I was like, no, that's not really for me.

And so I was like, give me a slice.

And the onions.

Apparently, they immediately made me drown.

They are so good, man.

Yeah.

So Shinro Prezzo, get yourself down there, boys.

Caramelized onions are absolutely brilliant.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, who's the first person to discover that onions could do?

You could turn onions into a sweet, but

you've got to be in a really weird place to try that, I think.

Yeah.

This onion, let's make it sweet.

You know, try to caramelize other stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A few other things.

Some parsnips.

Yeah.

You can do that.

You can.

Oh, at Christmas, you'd ever put like hunched event in a dish?

No.

No, I don't think you do.

I just came up with that.

No.

I don't think it exists.

I think that's what

onions and parsnips and you can do the carrots.

Yeah.

And just invented one?

No?

Okay.

We just keep going.

Yeah.

Broccoli.

No, you can't do it with broccoli.

I think you've ruined it.

Sorry.

Sorry, boys.

Well, maybe Jordan might have genuinely invented one just then.

Cameronised broccoli.

Keep an eye out because for stuff like that, sometimes my friend Graham used to go on about an idea that he had for ages about like wearing because I could go do a disco, but instead of like everything playing really loud, you have headphones on, so you can always listen to your own different songs and stuff.

And then silent discos came out, and he was like, I wish I had, uh, I wish I would have done that.

I wish I'd done it.

Your friend Graham invented the silent disco, he did, yeah, yeah.

But then, you know, I invented the term backsplash.

What?

When I was in school,

I remember referring to, well, yeah, where you do a poo,

and then the water splashes up on your butt.

Yeah.

Call it backsplash.

Yeah, no, that was, that's always been a thing.

No,

I did it before anyone else started doing it.

Even a caveman taking a shit into a lake.

It was a oi, oi, oi, bugsplush.

I invented it, I made it myself.

It was a few years before I heard other people using it, you know.

It circulated a bit in my school first and then went outside of that.

Pretty cool.

Right, well, you heard it here first.

James has invented caribouised parsnips and the turb splash.

Yeah.

Jordan invented the carabised broccoli just now.

Love it.

The garlic bread, does it come in slices or is it like one sort of pizza?

pizza?

It's a pizza, yeah.

Yeah, so it's a pretty big, it's a pretty big bread.

It's a big pre-starter, to be honest.

But oh, sorry, guys, I don't want to keep hacking you, but one of the rules here is that you don't get full, you're only satisfied, right?

You know, two full to a few, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

So there you go,

don't worry about getting full, don't you worry about getting full.

The um, that's one of the great discoveries, I think, is when you work out you can have a pizza before a pizza, exactly.

And also, like, they're not tricking anyone with that at any point.

The first time that gets delivered, go,

we all know that's a pizza.

Why are you calling it garlic bread on the menu?

But the guilt's not the same, is it?

It's not like you don't feel like you're eating too pizza.

No, because there's no tomato on it.

There's no tomato.

If there was tomato on it, you'd feel really guilty.

You're like, well, now I'm eating two pizzas.

Now it's a mess.

I like the garlic bread when it's like the full stick

and it's been like cut but not completely cut.

Yep.

My mum makes this.

And it's nice and sweaty.

Yeah.

She makes it like from.

She makes it with

like a French stick, just slices it like three quarters of the way through.

Garlic butter in between every crevice.

I didn't even know that you could make it.

I just thought it came frozen from Tesco.

It's easy.

It's easy as well, man.

You can get just a French stick and then make the slices.

You could just mix up crushed garlic and butter and then put it in between every bit.

It's very good.

Wrap it in foil, oven for half an hour.

Look at that.

Or a crunchy outside as well.

Yes.

You want the crust to be nice and crunchy.

Soft on the oh, and you can put cheese and onions in it if you wanted to.

Nice.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can put those on it.

No one's going to stop you from doing it.

But you've got to caramelize your own onions.

Okay.

I'll do it for that bread, guys.

I'll put the work in.

We move on to your starter, Jordan.

Which is like, I mean, you've.

It's going to be poppadobs.

Yeah, it's just

a single poppadob, please.

Just what?

Dry.

Yeah, yeah.

No,

just the top one.

Just the top poppadob.

Yeah.

It's it's been under the heat lamp for too long.

If you had a poppadom, would you not have all the sauces on it?

That's one actually.

I do have a bit of chutney with it, but just because it reminds me of jam.

Yeah.

Okay,

that's normal.

Yeah, yeah.

Mango chutney is basically.

I mean, it's not.

Yeah.

It's basically a jam sort of thing.

Isn't it?

Yeah, it's even sweeter than a jam, I'd say.

That's fair enough.

Starter-wise, I've gone for barbecue chicken wantons.

Okay.

Okay, so I know this sounds random.

Did you ever, I'm not sure where it was, whether it was Covent Garden, it might have been Leicester Square.

I'm not, there was a Planet Hollywood in it was a really big one in London.

Did you guys ever see it?

Yeah, I think it was Covent Garden.

I think it was in Covent Garden, yeah, and it's moved.

And it's still, there's still one in London, but it's a little bit smaller and it's more like it looks more like an Ed's diner now, as opposed to like Planet Hollywood.

Like beforehand, it was like a restaurant slash Ripleys, had like all statues, there was like a red carpet outside.

It was like a proper event if you went to Planet Hollywood.

And I went for my 11th birthday, so I was in year six.

It was 10 or 11.

And

I got a limo.

And all my friends, we all got in this limo.

We went up to Planet Hollywood.

And I love that you got a limo.

My friends got a limo.

We went up there.

I just didn't even register that.

Until I said it, I was like, yeah, because I was like, yeah, go to Planet Hollywood.

I guess you got to go to it in a limo.

I was like,

10 years old.

You won't get in.

You won't get in unless you sign up in a limo.

Yeah.

Get out of your limousine.

You've got some wontons to eat.

And that was was the birthday present because it was like, I really wanted to go play Hollywood.

And I was like, I just always had this idea of a guy to the limo.

And my one double cable would.

Oh, so it was your idea to go to the limo.

It was my idea to go.

They did it for me as my big birthday present.

Destined to be a celebrity.

Thank you for that.

Thank you.

How many mates did you have with you?

Do you know what?

It's funny because in my year at school, in the entire year, there was only 30 people.

So it was just my class.

Your whole class?

My whole class, there was like 13 of us.

So there was like seven boys, six girls.

Hope and that's right there.

So we all went up.

And do you know what?

Now you've just said that, that reminded me, I didn't invite my own girlfriend at the time.

And I was only 10.

But because she was in the other class, I was like, no, because if I invite you, I have to invite the whole other class.

And there's no room in the limo.

Sorry, guys.

It's a very exclusive list.

What year group was she in?

She was in the same year.

Yeah, yeah, but she was in the other class.

Oh, she was in a different class.

Different class.

Yeah, yeah.

Bless her.

She could not come.

I'll take her back now.

Did she take that?

Was she okay with that?

Well, actually, I broke up with her at a restaurant as well.

I rang her home phone and i was like can i speak to abby please and i broke up with her because on your birthday on my birthday

euphonic from the one time

you felt indestructible you had one you had one taste of the hollywood lifestyle

sorry we're just not on the same level anymore

abby

i gotta i'm gonna be a star

i don't need you anymore sat next to a wax work of naomi campbell going i've met someone else

watch saying we shed party the army uh let my wedding outside so this this is why that star is so important it's very nostalgic it makes me it makes me feel like i'm very important with an american accent of the cigar as jordan pointed out but the weird thing is when i think wontons are i think like um

they're like little dumplings right aren't they like are they deep deep fried dumplings as well they're like yeah it's crispy yeah yeah yeah but at planet hollywood they look more like nachos

what look do you know what i brought i brought evidence to explain what i meant I'm just trying to imagine, as Jordan's opening this on his phone, I'm trying to imagine now what they look like.

They've got to have some dimensions, they can't be flat like that.

So, this is what you think of a wonton.

Yes, definitely.

That's how you imagine a wonton.

Okay, so just for the

listener.

Who can't see?

Jordan already has a picture of some normal wontons on his phone ready to go, so he can show us that.

He's already planned this.

It's weirdly, it's his lock screen.

I want him wontons, guys.

Like it's his day in court.

There we go.

So, okay, so

here are the Planet Hollywood ones.

Planet Hollywood ones.

Oh, yeah, they're like.

What?

I'd say they look more like that.

What's the filled pasta called?

Ravioli.

This is more like ravioli.

It's probably the same bit, like the same sort of skins, the ones on paper, the ones in the skins, but flat.

Yeah.

With stuff in and maybe another one on top and then deep fry that whole thing.

They look more like little pancake things.

Yeah.

But the barbecue, the barbecue chicken wontons at Planet Holly.

So basically, what I was trying to say is since that one closed they're now not on the menu right so in the new one they don't exist anymore oh wow and that's why i was like i can't get them anymore it's impossible yeah but i can still have them here yes absolutely they were so good i'm not sure what the cheeses were but it was different cheeses all kind of melted on top and the barbecue chicken it was you know when you get that barbecue sauce where it's kind of sweet yeah like it's sharp but it's sweet yeah yeah oh gosh i so there's sauce there's sauce incorporated so you don't mind if they've pre-incorporated the sauce i just don't like complicating it myself yeah yeah you okay i'll get that and the chicken was like moist as well.

Yeah.

Yeah,

succulent chicken is a must.

I really, I really miss the big theme restaurants.

Like, the food was never amazing.

Like, the barbecue chicken wants on sound good.

It was connected with a memory, but it was never like the best food.

But it was such an exciting day out as a kid.

Yep.

I remember going to Planet Hollywood.

We waited for an hour and a half to get into Planet Hollywood and Danny Baker was there.

Danny Baker was there eating a meal.

So we were like, oh my god, Danny Baker's here.

So that was a true Hollywood experience.

There was also another

restaurant called Football Football in London.

I don't know if you remember football football.

I didn't even like football, but it was

a football-themed restaurant called Football Football.

What?

You can look it up.

Everyone's looking around.

What was it?

It was a football-themed restaurant.

But what it what did it look like?

You went in and what did it look like?

You went in, they were playing football on the screen, and there was like some shirts.

Some of the normal stuff there.

There was some shirts.

There's football on the telly, was there?

I think I've just found out that my dad wanted an excuse to take me to the park.

Oh, that's go to football, football there.

Don't look at the sign when we're walking in.

It says football, football.

It doesn't say the Flapperman Fergus.

Some of our listeners will remember football, football in London.

It was probably only open for a year or two years, but they had signed shirts hugging the wall.

All the things were like, I don't know, football burger or something.

What sort of food was it?

Like Planet Hollywood style food, just like really sort of generic American-y stuff, but they had it themed on like they call it like Pele's chips or something.

That's not a Pelech chips.

Pele's chips.

Kowl Poborsky's chip.

He was famous for his chip.

Carol Poborsky did a really good chip in Euro 96.

I can't believe we're in a situation where you're the one who knows about the girls.

Yeah, I mean,

that's when we know who's got bad.

But I'm the one doing football references.

I can't believe you dumped your girlfriend in Planet Hollywood.

And it was the night of my first kiss.

That's why I dumped her.

What?

Hold on.

What?

There was another girl in my class

called Lauren.

And everyone was like, she said she'll kiss you because it's your birthday.

And I was like, well,

I can't kiss her while I've got a girlfriend.

So I rang Abby to break up with her.

And then in the limo, on the way back, like a real A-lister.

I had my first kiss.

That's actually very honourable of you.

Yeah.

You felt that was going to happen.

So you're like, I can't.

I can't do this to Abby.

I did want to do it to Abby, guys.

Yeah.

I wanted to be a good guy.

Yeah, well, that's what I did.

Did you tell her?

Did you say, I've got to break up with you because I'm going to kiss Lauren in a limo?

Yeah,

I think I said, I've got to break up with you because you didn't come to my birthday party.

Exactly.

But that wasn't her first response.

She just went, okay.

I was like, bye.

Not invited to this party.

I don't think that's fair.

But luckily, where my birthday is New Year's Eve,

we were on school holiday, so I had like another week of not having to see her.

So it all could have sort of disappeared by the time I saw her.

Did all this happen on New Year's Eve as well?

It was just, it was like the 30th, I think.

It was like the day before.

Right, yeah.

This is such a momentous day in your life.

I know, which is what

wontons tasted so good, guys.

They weren't terrible, but they.

Did Lauren have the barbecue chicken wontons as well?

Because I'm just thinking there's not pre-kiss food really is it oh yeah

you're tasting of sweet barbecue chicken so

yeah yeah

I don't know what she had actually I don't know but now I'm just remembering loads of random facts I remember someone put a piece of tune gum in a kid's hair and his mum called my mum really angry because that didn't help classic that's hollywood that's hollywood

people just do whatever they like

different times you know

also I know what you mean about like those kind of places and you get a dish and you don't expect it like you said about tji fridays earlier uh i've been there i think once before a stag do and i didn't have high hopes but i i think

the nicest fries i've ever had wow were tjio fridays like i was really surprised they had some sort of like you know like smoky kind of nice what's it on it seasoning like seasoning that's the word

seasoning and it was very good okay i ordered so i mean you just reminded me of them I'd forgotten about and then we said like the wontons it made me think about how much I want those fries now.

TGIs do loads of crazy fries now like they've got loaded fries that have got like obviously like the standard cheese and bacon ones and they've got what's called like scorpion fries and it's like really really spicy chili on them.

Yeah.

You try the top lamb of all of those I imagine.

Just try to top into the chips.

Thank you very much.

I always end up ordering like the loaded fries, the stuff with the most on and then when I get halfway through I'm just like, I wish I just had some normal fries.

Because it's always on the side of something.

You're like, well, now they're the main thing.

You just had some dry fries.

Yeah, I quite like the hippie fries.

At um,

well, you can't say that now.

I can.

What fries?

Meat liquor.

Yeah, but you can't do this now.

He spent a whole episode slacking off meat liquor.

I hate meat liquor.

And then they invited us to go and eat there.

I'm not going.

You can go.

No, you have an each one to go.

You can go.

Be my guests.

I'm not going.

I've slided them off for a whole episode.

All right.

well no, go ahead and say how much you like the hippie fries now.

Yeah, I do love the hippie fries.

There we go.

But I thought the hippie fries started in

the chicken one, didn't they?

No.

Do they not?

Don't think so.

Okay, well that's the one thing they've got right.

Yeah.

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Your main course.

So, my main, it was, I really struggled with the main course.

Ah, um,

because when

growing up, so my mum owned a dance studio.

This feels like step up or something where we're in a dance studio, and my dad sells cars.

Is it where the crew met?

The dance studio?

It is, yeah, it is.

It would be funny if it was actually the car show.

Just all going to to dirty buying cars when we're six.

But yeah, so

they were next door to each other.

And we went to school quite far away from when they worked.

So they used to pick us up and every day after school, we'd go straight to the studio.

And that was the same Monday to Saturday every day.

Apart from Sundays, we would stay at home.

So

because we were there so often and we never got home till about half nine, 10-ish, we literally never had home cooked food like ever.

We just never, we never had.

So

for a lot of people, when they were kids, it was like a treat to get a takeaway.

For us, it was a treat to have a home-cooked meal.

So, whenever we got a home-cooked meal, I was like, oh yeah, this is sick.

And my mum used to make like this tuna, pasta sort of dish, and she put all these different, like, because it sounds bad.

People always ask me if my mum can cook.

And I say no, because she never used to cook that much.

But when I think about when she did cook, she really can.

Right, yeah.

So yeah, it was like this really like kind of spicy.

But kind of at the same time kind of sweet.

I'm not sure what she put in it, but it was really good.

And I used to smother it in cheese and then just did the top layer no

i used to eat the whole thing um and i loved it so that was kind of i was thinking do i go with that and the first time i ever had that tune of pasta i watched the film you guys ever seen the green mile

yeah such a such a weird yeah i i love the fun

it's just funny

it's just funny that it's the green mile

i love it it's a great film but like it is really funny that you're like first time ate the tuna pasta i was watching the green mile no one ever expected that said i literally remember it clear as day because we was either, me, my brother, my sister, watched it in my little sister's room.

And it was when we just moved the house.

I could have only been about eight.

I was about eight or nine.

And my mum made this Truna Pasta.

I was like, oh God, this is so good.

And this film's so good.

And at the end, I remember me and my brother both crying while we're eating Trudeau Pasta.

But it was a really good meal.

And she still makes it now when I ask her.

That's nice.

So I was thinking, is it Tuna Pasta?

Then I landed on what it was for a stag do.

Have you guys ever been to Man versus Food in Heathrow?

No.

No.

hold on.

Well, there's a Man versus Food.

So, like the program.

Like, is it official?

Is it official?

The only thing it's official, but they've got that.

I'm probably going to get them closed down now and sued for using that.

But this restaurant is literally called Man versus Food.

And they have like all these different dishes in there.

No, no, it's like about 10-15 minutes from the airport.

Oh, okay.

You know that when you say Heathrow, we think of the airport.

I'll say, you know, where have you guys ever been to Sky?

You know, like the huge...

It's like a little city in there where they record all their programmes and stuff.

Yes, yeah, yeah, it's lit, you know, that it's opposite that Tesco.

It's literally right there, right?

Okay.

Okay, so in there, uh, we went for a stag doing everyone had to try a different challenge.

So, a couple of boys tried this thing, I think it's called Fire in the Hole.

So, there's so that it's like all there's loads of challenges,

all food challenges, all food challenges.

So, there's like a three-foot hot dog, there's like all this crazy stuff, you have time limits, and their biggest challenge is called the gut buster, and it's a burger that weighs, I think it's just over half a stone.

So, people normally

order it as a birthday cake.

So it comes out, and I don't mean like a normal, like a little birthday cake, it's literally like this, and it's, it's like really tall as well.

And it's got, it's stupid, it's got like three packs of cheese in it.

They have to use two bottles of ketchup.

It is insane.

And we all, we all try.

So the burger costs, I think it's like 60 quid.

And if you finish it, they give you 250 pounds and your whole table eats for free.

Right.

But obviously, I think five of us bought the burger and none of us.

One each.

One each.

each one each not one of us got one of us got close to finishing of course you didn't there's three packs of cheese in it literally not one of us got close I had like uh I think I got about a third the third the closest person was one of our friends called Mitch and he's I think he's five he's five foot four and he ate the burger's as big as him and he pretty much ate the entire thing it was insane hold on so how close did Mitch get Mitch get I'm talking about like there was probably a normal size burger left was he playing at

250 quid in the whole meal I

Everyone has spent 60 quid on a burger.

Bitch can't just forced out

burgers.

I know

he couldn't finish it, but that's what I want because the burger itself, you know, if you think, if you think you've got to cook a patty that big, it's going to be like not very cooked nicely on the inside, third on the outside.

I don't know how they do it, but it is cooked so good.

Imagine a giant five guys burger.

Yeah.

I love who does anyone here like I like five guys.

Man, this is a constant debate between me and Ed.

Okay, who are you repping?

Well,

Shake Shack I enjoyed more when I had it.

Shake Shack's good, but I've never had it in England.

I only had it in English.

Me too.

So

I'm thinking of eating it in the States and eating five guys in the States.

And I've had five guys here, and I think it's fine.

And I think the chips are nice.

Okay, but...

All about the toppings.

Yeah, I've said this to you a million times.

Five guys is about choosing the right toppings.

Once you find the right combination of toppings, it's just amazing.

A burger shouldn't be about the toppings.

It should be about the burger.

Ah, here we go.

The eternal debate.

Yeah, it should be about the quality of the patty, James.

The patty's great.

If you're going, oh, stick six different toppings on there, all you're doing is masking a bad patty.

No, no, no, no, not at all.

Even though we're talking about, it's complementing the patty.

It all complements each other.

And then, like, look, I've been in Shape Shack and got their burgers, and they're all right.

I think their patties are too thin, personally.

He has got a point in there out there.

I don't mind lots of thin patties.

There's places that do like smashed patties that you can.

Lots of thin patties.

In-n-out's the best.

I told you that.

Oh, see, I wasn't huge.

I was so disappointed with In-N-Out Burger.

Because it was good, but I was like, this is just a burger.

Like, everyone spoke about, like, if you go LA and you don't get an In-N-Out, something wrong with you.

It's mixed and out.

It's got cult status, but I prefer a thicker patty anyway.

I'd prefer to go to something like Honest Burger or Patty and Bun.

No.

Something like that.

Absolutely not.

I was like

Honest Burger, five, and all that stuff.

I was like, that's fine.

And I'm not into them as much.

I thought, I think for a while I was like, they're okay, but they're I think they're too filling and they're not as like when Jordan described that flavour of that burger then yeah like you say I imagine like five guys and stuff like that.

What that one's not too filling?

Jordan's burger.

The s the sixty quid birthday cake size burger's not too filling is it?

Mesh did all right.

Mext it and did too fast.

Meshed it fine.

Beastly good.

Beastly good.

But what I don't like about In N Out is the whole animal animal style thing.

Yeah, animal style.

You've got to go in and you've got to ask for animal style.

It's not on the menu.

What's animal style?

So animal style is like the only way that makes it taste good.

So you probably...

So basically, you had just a normal burger when you went.

Yeah.

And it wasn't that great because they're not that great.

And everyone's like, no, well, you've got to ask for animal style.

It's not on the menu.

You've got to go and just ask for animal style.

And then they put this sauce on it and then it tastes good.

You're like, why don't you put that on the actual menu?

Normally you love secret menu stuff.

It's because someone else has told you about it.

That's why why you don't like it.

I love secret menu stuff if the other stuff is good on the menu anyway.

All the menu is good and there's a secret stuff.

Not if it's just like, oh, the actual only good dish we do is a secret.

And then you've got to go in in the secret little club.

Anyway, sorry, Jordan.

The burger's really good.

It's got the right level of grease to it.

Does that make sense?

You know, when you get a burger and it's either really dry or it's just too greasy, like you feel like you're slowly dying while you're eating it.

But like this one, it's got the right level of grease.

and it'd just be nice to feel fulfilled you know actually finish it because i was so upset that i never finished it and i've got as we was all ordering the burgers the waiter you know normally sometimes you get nice waiters and they're like you sure you want all that it's a little bit condescending but they're kind of looking out for you yeah

this guy was going no no do it do it are you earning commission per gut buster yeah what's happening here because he sold five to one table and then the rest of the boys done it's called a fire in the hole challenge and these wings are meant to be the spiciest wings in the world and before you eat them you have to sign a waiver yeah, you have to sign a waiver for them.

And, like, they, if when you order them, when the dish is ready, they play like a siren in the thing, and all the lights start flashing.

And someone comes out from the back of the so they obviously gone around the whole front of the building, they come through the front door, they've got a gas mask on, and they've got like a little work, they look like they're in breaking bad, and they come, they just go right, and they've got like a little case, and they open it, it's got these chicken wings on it, and then you have to eat the wings.

And no one, what one of the boys managed half a wing and then threw up and ran outside and started crying.

Another one of the boys managed, I think it was,

I think he'd done all five wings.

No, they said

if you post on social media, it will say that you won the challenge, even if you only do three.

So he only did three wings.

And then he went to the hospital that night because he threw up and he said it burnt his throat.

So he went to the hospital.

But yeah, it's pretty savage in the middle.

Did Mitch just go around finishing them all off?

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

At what point, Germany, in the gutbuster,

did you dump your girlfriend?

Mitch said he kissed me on the way home.

Mitch is a real challenge.

I can't pass up this opportunity.

I don't want to be unfaithful to you.

You dumb?

I'm kissing Mitch.

At this point, I was actually single, so I was

she was safe.

She was safe.

Yeah, you could smooch away.

Absolutely fine.

How much is a limo to Heathrow?

That's a great main.

Yeah.

But we haven't had an eating challenge before.

Yeah.

And again, you've used the fact that you can't get full so you can finish the gut buster.

I mean, it's sort of a loophole, but I like the fact that I don't know.

I like someone finding loopholes.

You should have come here in a suit today.

A side dish.

Side dish.

This one was pretty easy.

It's pretty rubbish.

It's pretty simple, but I just love it.

I love McDonald's hash browns in the syrup.

Oh, have you ever had that?

I've never had them in the syrup.

So like, so you order the pancakes and sausage, and they're like, do you want it as a meal?

And you're like, yep.

So they give you a drink and a hash brown.

And obviously they give you a little pot of syrup.

And obviously you meant to use it for the pancakes.

But one day I was like, hmm, I'm going to try it in here.

And I dipped it in, and it's like salty.

but like sweet and crunchy and then you get the like the little potatoy aftertaste which is like a cuddle it's just uh this is very interesting jordan look who's just invented caramelized hash browns.

We've got another inventor.

Join the club.

I'm going to introduce you to the other inventors.

I've invented Backsplash.

This is very interesting because.

So you started this podcast saying you don't need to do sauces because you don't want to overcomplicate things.

You've never even had salsa in your life with nachos, which is like a regular thing.

However,

you have

overcomplicated.

I mean, you've gone completely outside the box and did hash browns with pancake syrup but is is syrup a sauce it feels yeah i mean it's a it's a good question that's the eternal question isn't it is syrup a sauce you wouldn't have any extra sauce if you use syrup right so it provides moisture

it's the same function right yeah as a condiment

yeah right

I think

I'd say

syrup's a sauce or is in place of sauce in place yeah this is very interesting Yeah, you've never even tried salsa.

No, I genuinely haven't.

It's almost more of a sauce than salsa.

Yeah.

Salsa's quite thick, really, isn't it?

If you had a jug of each, yeah, and we're on top of a hill

and you poured them at the same time,

what's getting to the bottom first?

Oh, good question.

Yes, I think it's probably the syrup.

Yeah, syrup's going in.

Depends if it's raining.

If it's raining, the salsa.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Syrup won't be washed down by rain.

maybe that's true

is it raining or not benito he's not he's not getting involved yeah he's not he's out he's out the salsa is going to just flop out that jug yeah just splat yeah the splat on there

all that syrup's trickling down all the ants are going crazy

so i'd say yeah it's more of a sauce yes but it's more of a sauce true okay but and with that you're an innovator caramelized hash browns but when you do it what you need to do is get a couple of hash browns, pour the syrup on it, and let it soak.

Oh, so you really let it soak?

Like, because I only, this again was accidental.

We ordered like a, we got Uber Eats, we've got a huge bunch of McDonald's breakfast.

And when no one, everyone orders meals, but no one really wants their hash browns.

So I literally made a few and I didn't make a few.

Hold on, I poured the sauce over them and left them while I was eating my sausage and egg.

And when you let it soak, it literally becomes like a weird little potatoey cake.

It's just so good.

You've got to try it.

Obviously, you had a a bunch of hash browns together.

And poured all the syrup on it.

Soaked them in syrup.

Soaked it up.

You just got sweet hash browns.

I feel like I'm going to actually have this.

Yeah.

It's good, man.

Which is like...

It's really good.

You know,

I've got a lot of heat for Mike McDonald's order in the past by this podcast.

People don't like Mike McDonald's order.

It's terrible.

Sorry about that.

It's a terrible order.

I heard it on this podcast, but he's got to be joking.

It's got to be part of his show.

It's not a good order, man.

It's not a good order.

It's a bag of carrots.

It's a dry carrot.

So now I'm going to chuck in.

Yeah.

So I'm going to order the same McDonald's order.

Dip the carrots in syrup.

We're going to have some syrup for the whole thing.

That's an inspired side.

It's a good side.

It's a very good side.

Because again, I was always,

you think you've got to have chips, right?

And then the thing that led me on to, I was like, what are the best chips I've ever had?

And really salty McDonald's chips and a milkshake.

Have you ever had that?

That's kind of what made me go, oh, and then I was thinking, what other concoctors have I had mainly at McDonald's?

Hash browns and syrup.

Hash browns and syrup.

Game changer.

I do love hash browns.

At

a hotel breakfast, if it's going around and helping yourself,

I really load up on the hash browns.

What else is on the...

Sorry to take you back to the gut buster.

So what other toppings are on the gut buster?

So I thought it wasn't about the toppings, Ed.

Yeah, but

we are doing an interview here, James.

You know, I want to hear about the gut buster.

Yeah, okay.

Well, you can swap, you can kind of customize it a little bit because the challenge has to, obviously, to make it fair, there has to be a a certain amount for everyone so if you just get the standard one there's like the three packs of cheese two bottles of ketchup um i think i'm pretty much pretty sure there's like a whole lettuce in there you know diced up

it's ridiculous it's just a lump in the middle you get you have all the good burger you've got to deal with a whole lettuce um

there's like obviously onions but again if i order a cheeseburger I'm not sure Someone's probably going to fly at me about this.

I only get cheese and sometimes ketchup, depending on where my items from.

Like, I'm very, if a cheeseburger is literally just cheese, meat, and bread.

So that's it for me.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, so I asked for that then.

I was like, you've got to have at least one sauce.

Um, oh, sorry, yeah, because it's the two bottles of ketchup, and there's a bottle of mayo at the bottom as well.

Of course, yeah.

Um, so when I asked, when I said I don't want any mayo, it probably ended up being three bottles of ketchup, and they put loads of extra, even more cheese on it because I didn't want any of the other toppings.

Yeah, and that's probably why I couldn't get through it, you know, because the issue is you've got 40 minutes to do it.

Can you?

Yeah, that's why.

Can you imagine after like 35 minutes, this burger's now cold, the cheese is congealed, and it's still the size of two average men's heads.

It's impossible.

I just don't know how you have the willpower to keep going when it doesn't even taste good anymore at this point.

I love that you asked it for it without the mayo, and they were like, Oh, man, it's not going to bust his gut.

It's going to top out with cheese.

No mayo.

Put it down in two gumps and doesn't have a mayo, and

I look like idiots.

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Your drink, sir.

Drink.

You boozer?

See, that's it.

I don't drink at all.

I don't drink.

Have you ever drunk?

I have,

But it was sort of when I first turned 18.

And when I turned 18, we was on tour at the time.

And it was kind of like, because now I can go out and have a drink.

I'm like, I'm going to go out.

And I went out.

And I think I've probably been out in my entire life five or six times.

Wow.

And every time I've ever drunk, even though some people, like, they can get to a place where they're like, they're just happy and everything's cool.

And then sometimes you could be like quite drunk, but you'll wake up and you still know what's happened.

I've either been sat there stone cold sober, had a drink and just felt nothing, or i've woke up wondering if i've still got all my organs do you know like it's that sort of level i have no idea what's happened yeah i'm a bit like

so again for me when i when i did like having a couple of drinks the only reason i ever did was to try and get that drunk feeling like i don't enjoy the taste of alcohol okay so because of that i was like what's the point in drinking it yeah sure so yeah i'm not a big boozer um but drink wise I had, when I was listening to the podcast a couple of times, I thought, oh, what would I have?

And my nan, when I was younger, used to make me a cup of tea, and it was such it's the best cup of tea ever.

Yeah,

she was so good at making teas.

And now I realize that I always say to him, Yeah, I have milk and two sugars, please.

And I was complaining, oh, god, their tea is just not as good.

And I realized that my nan was probably just poisoning me with sugar because it was way more than two sugars.

But that is obviously, it's only seeing him with you guys now that I've realized the issue is it's just so much more than two sugars that she used to put in.

Yeah, right.

So that tea is a good option, but I feel like you'd be the first person to pick a cup of tea.

Yeah,

I'm just not sure it goes with my gut buster.

Let's be honest, Jordan, nothing goes with the gut buster.

You have a swimming pool full of milkshakes.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I know it.

I've got it.

Sorry.

Light bulb moment.

Best drink I've had.

And I think it's because it was when

one of my best friends got married.

It was in Mexico a couple of years ago.

And everyone was drinking and stuff.

I was like, oh, I don't really drink.

I was like, it's not alcoholic.

Try this.

I was like, are you sure?

I was like, like, yes, I tried it.

And it was a virgin strawberry daiquiri.

Right.

Oh, gosh.

That was

so good.

I think it's because it was in Mexico.

It was on the beach.

I was like, if you're going to have a daiquiri, this is hell.

And it was brilliant.

I don't think I've ever had a daiquiri.

I don't know what it.

I was going to say what is it.

I've had, I have had a daiquiri, but it was in.

Tenerife after I'd done a gig and I'd gone out and got really blasted.

And I just remember right at the end of the night, and they had just those massive sugar crystals on the rim of the glass, which I do not like.

You're trying to get to the drink and there's just crystals in the way and you just end up with big lumps of old.

It's like when they put a glass on a wall to stop a burglar getting in.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like that on the top.

Yeah.

And then it was just very, that one was just very sickly and then I was

sick in a...

I remember being sick in a bush

and then immediately undoing all the buttons on my shirt.

Of course, why wouldn't you?

And then just walking back to my hotel room.

Also, that's like a classic classic image of a piss tourist.

You could have been on a show on Bravo.

Yeah, like when in Rome,

I'm here in Tenerife.

You know, the British have ruined this island.

I may as well just walk around proud like the rest of them.

Go get a Red Devil's Tattoo.

So I can't even remember what's in a daiquiri.

Me neither, to be honest.

I don't know what's in it.

I just knew after that, I just kept ordering them.

Yeah.

And then I was realising, I was like, the sugar content in this must be insane.

But it just tasted like so good.

It was like a

fizzy slush with a rye bean bin, if that makes sense.

Imagine that.

Imagine that.

It was just really good.

It's like fresh strawberries, like whizzed up, do you think?

And that's where it wasn't.

And it was made with

fresh fruit.

And when I tried, I was like, this doesn't taste like, it doesn't taste like Mexico.

That's how Mexico tastes, guys.

So you want the artificial one.

I want the artificial one specifically from Mexico.

Specifically from Mexico.

Virginial one from Mexico.

And it was

really nice, really refreshing.

And weirdly enough, I didn't get a brain freeze.

I knocked it back really quick.

No brain freeze.

And just over and over again.

Over and over again.

Zero brain freeze there.

We've got to look up.

Benito,

can you look up what's in a daiquiri?

I wonder what alcohol is in a daiquiri as well because everyone else really loved them and they were normal.

Worse for wear.

Maybe tequila or something.

I ordered a virgin mojito at

Waxaka.

I like the virgin mojitos.

And

once made the mistake of ordering it in front of Nish Kumar, who then just called me Virgin Mojito for

the rest of my life.

That's a good name.

He's always called me Virgin Mojito all the time.

Virgin Mojito.

So, ingredients in a daiquiri.

Well, 500 grams of strawberries, hulled, but that's not...

I didn't know that that was what it was called.

Hulled.

Hulled.

Hold.

Is that when you dig all the middle bit out or you can?

Probably, I guess.

But yeah, you hull it.

200 grams of ice.

Rum, 100 milliliters of rum.

Half a juice lime.

And that's it.

And then it says with strawberry halves, slice of limes, cocktail sticks, but that's that's a little garnish there.

So that's

you.

So you probably had strawberry, so fake strawberry syrup.

Yeah.

Ice.

and lime juice.

Jordan, I'm starting to realize what you had there was a cold Robinson's.

Yeah, yeah.

Robinson's slash.

Yeah, I think it it was.

Like Robinson's.

They really fancily named it.

When you said it was like an artificial slush puppy, I think you were correct.

There we go.

They want the money.

So

the daiquiri from the wedding is like the virgin daiquiri from the wedding is what you would like.

I think that calling them like calling mocktails virgin stuff doesn't do anyone any favours.

No, no, it doesn't.

Doesn't make you want to

order it.

No.

It makes you say, I've a virgin something, please.

Yeah.

It's just, it's not going to go.

I always say, I have a virgin mojito, and please tell the chef I've had sex.

Yeah.

Please make sure all the bar staff know

I've had sexual intercourse.

That's what I do.

They don't let you in a lot of bars anymore, do they?

No, but you know, they all know.

I never order it because I'm a legend.

Yeah, yeah.

It's always order.

I never had one because I'm not a little loser.

Fair enough.

I order cocktails, but I changed the first bit to fucking.

Get out of a fucking duckery, please, because I'm always fucking.

Then you join me on the curb.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, hello, Ed.

You're also inappropriate.

We come to the dessert.

Dessert.

So So you've gone quite, apart from your drink, quite chaney so far.

Yeah.

That's in Chaney Restaurant, not Dick Chaney.

Although he did have many.

Yeah, to be fair.

He was partial to a gut buster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He finished it every single time.

So your dessert, Jordan.

The dessert is made by my own hands.

Oh

boy.

It's an accidental dessert, but

it's a good dessert.

This dessert is the best dessert in the world because it's filled with adrenaline

some guilt and a little bit of shame and it makes a beautiful little cocktail of a lovely dessert okay join your daiquiri

i'm honestly scared of what this is guilt shame and adrenaline here we go here we go so um you know you used to do like food tech in school yeah so we all got um the recipe we got i'm i can't i'm pretty sure not except it was for rock cakes right

so as as far as I'm concerned, I've never had a rock cake since, but as far as I'm concerned, they're like little hard cakes.

You know, they're not very big, but they're not flat, are they?

They're like little...

No, they're not flat.

Yeah.

So I completely messed up all the ingredients that I bought.

I bought like myself raised with flour and alder.

Everything else that I put into it was just wrong.

Like in the quantities that I did it.

So she'd give us something about follow the recipe and I'd be like, yeah.

Or it'd be much better to pour the whole bag of sugar in because then it tastes sweeter.

Like that's in my head.

It wouldn't make any other difference.

I'll probably make it sweeter.

So, um, we were making these just before lunch, and I've poured literally a whole bag of sugar in, obviously, the wrong type of flour, probably too much milk, whatever I did, I put all the wrong stuff in.

Um, and then so I've basically got like this big bowl of like dough, and I made it.

I made little things on the uh, little dollops on the tray, put it in the oven, and it basically just melted.

So, it just became like this one

long, flat, giant pancake in the oven.

Yeah.

It just filled the tray and everyone else has got these little rock cakes.

And I was thinking, I'm going to eat this at lunch.

So

I said to my teacher, I was like, Miss, is it okay if I come back at lunch?

My dad's dropped.

I forgot to bring a Tupperware box.

My dad's dropping a Tupperware box in.

I'm going to go get it and then come back.

She said, yep, I'll leave it till I'll leave the room unlocked because obviously you have to lock it.

So I've got knives and stuff.

Now, Jordan.

This is before you go on.

Was that true about your dad bringing the Tupperware box in or did you make it up because you wanted to eat the mixture so much?

I made it up because

you made up a whole thing about your dad.

I had the Tupperware box, which is the best part.

So

she said, yeah, everyone left.

Belle went.

We all left.

I then came back to the room.

And now, this is the reason why I lied.

Because obviously, everyone else just took their rock cakes out with them.

I went, I picked up my crispy pancake.

And now, because I put it in late as well, imagine the top layer is crispy.

Underneath is basically raw, sugary, hot dough.

So basically, there's no rock cake to it.

I didn't put any raisins or anything in it, just hot, hot sugary dough.

And then I was like, God, this is the worst part.

And this is where the guilty adrenaline comes in.

I went to her freezer because, you know, they keep spare ingredients.

And in there, it's the first time I've ever had it.

She had, is it cartoon, cartadillo ice cream?

Card door, cartado, yeah.

Card door ice cream, vanilla, soft scoop.

And I stole her ice cream and I sat in that room and I ate my raw dough and no ice cream.

And it was like hot, sugary dough and no ice cream together was just so I didn't eat the whole tub but you know it was i was kind of hoping oh hopefully it's been half eating but open it still had that plastic like sleeve on the top and i was like i'm gonna have to break the seal so i

i ate about half a tub of her ice cream and some of my rock cakes i literally remember sitting there and i was looking at literally looking at the door like please no one come in while i'm eating eating the teacher's ice cream but the cakes the the dough and that ice cream together was just

oh god i'm sorry

and have you made that since never never i don't know what i poured in it i i lost her recipe sheet which doesn't matter matter it's irrelevant because i didn't follow it anyway but it was it was good to see the things that i did ignore it probably would have helped never made it since i i literally i can't cook or bake or anything to save my life at all i'm so terrible um but yeah that that's the dessert there homemade raw rock cake dough and stolen ice cream

does sound nice nice and rock cake there you go i was in leeds once on tour and um me and my tour manager were like we really want a fro yo

I think we just had a Nando's and after I was like, got to get a Froyo.

And we were walking around,

just walking walking around Lisa trying to find a place.

And eventually found this stand, and it looked like a Froyo stand.

Right.

And we looked at the menu and it read like a Froyo menu,

but like, there was only like two flavours, and one was like chocolate chip, and one was something else.

But I was like, I'll have a chocke chip one.

And then it was not a Froyo stand.

It was just a cookie dough stand.

Whoa.

So what they gave us was just a tray of cookie dough,

like warm chocolate chip cookie dough, and they put some soft serve ice cream on it.

Oh man.

So we were kind of looking for like a guilt-free pudding.

Yeah.

And what we got was the guiltiest thing.

We're walking around eating it.

Imagine that if you'd lied to your teacher and you'd snuck my cookie

and then stole the ice cream.

Exactly.

And the liar.

The guilt that I had anyway eating that cookie dough, I'm talking about my feet and a liar.

That's a really

leave.

When I thought about that dessert, the best part is that I've literally never ever told anyone that story.

Yeah.

Never told anyone.

And I've decided to unleash it on a podcast.

I'm only going to get a bill through my letterbox.

That's £4.79 for some of that ice cream.

Someone saw you.

In Food Tech, we had to make pizzas one week

and we could do any topping we wanted.

Guess what I made?

Right.

Any topping you wanted.

You were allowed to do any topping you wanted.

Can we do a sweet one?

Yes.

Yes.

There you go.

Chocolate spread.

Yeah, so chocolate spread first.

Marshmallows?

Marshmallows, yep.

Oh, this is good.

I mean, this is pretty much it.

Chocolate spread, marshmallows, and then one more little thing on the top.

Any cream?

No cream.

No.

Strawberry sauce afterwards?

Maltesers?

No.

Imagine it, yeah.

Imagine the first bites with the eye.

He's got a look nut.

Like jelly tots, like red jelly tots.

No.

Dead melt in the oven.

Actually, it all did.

To be fair.

I wasn't imagining you putting it in the oven.

I thought you'd you'd like to bake the dough.

Yeah, I think I did it on top.

I did the dough and I took chocolate spread, marshmallows, and sprinkles.

Yes.

Took it home, ate it while my mum, I remember mum sitting there just saying, that is disgraceful.

They said I could make whatever I wanted, mum.

You know, that's not a pizza.

Like, you're not, you're meant to be learning how to cook so that in adult life you can cook for yourself.

You're never going to make yourself that again.

It's like, no, but I'm never going to be.

That's backfired.

You make it every week.

Yeah, backfired.

I live on that.

But like, yeah, yeah so i made that um in in plain sight i mean you you did yours you know in secret i i i made it in front of everyone in the class i should have just been braver is what you're saying because that sounds like a really good memory you've got there's been braver and just it wasn't a good memory

i think your one sneaking around it must feel

a sugar rush and a guilt rush

how did you think about it for afterwards uh not that long actually because when i was when i was younger as well i was a very chubby little boy like i was i was I was very very very chubby when I was younger.

You know, I'm beginning to see work.

Yeah, exactly.

There you go, guys.

I was trying to get to the bottom of this mystery for a starter when I was younger.

So I used to, I think that day I went home.

I think my mum literally asked me, where's the rock cakes?

Because she helped me find all the ingredients.

And I was like, well,

this is awkward.

Just an empty Tupperware box that my dad didn't drop in at lunch with me.

But yeah, no, she said to me, she was like, oh, you know, where are the rock cakes?

And I was like, oh, I ate them at school, you didn't save any.

I was like, no.

And I was like, I think I might have lied and said I dropped some or something like that.

And then then I had dessert with dinner as well.

So it's just

very, very sneaky, chubby, Jordan.

Very clever.

Very smart.

Yeah.

I'll read your order back to you, Jordan.

Appreciate it.

So, you would like some still water, which you've recently got into.

You like some garlic bread with mozzarella, caramelised onions from Prezo.

Yes, please.

Your starter, you would like barbecue chicken wontons from Planet Hollywood.

Yep.

Your main, you would like the gutbuster burger from Man vs.

Food in Heathrow, not the airport.

Your side, Madonna's hash browns with syrup.

Yep.

Your drink, you would like a virgin strawberry daiquiri from the Mexican wedding.

Yes, please.

And your dessert, you would like hot sugary rock cake dough with cart door ice cream, sneakily eaten.

And stolen.

Stolen cart door ice cream, apologies.

Eaten in a school.

Eaten in a school.

But you are a child when you're eating it.

Yeah, exactly.

You know what, yeah.

And then lie to your mum afterwards.

And also.

Can you do that as a genie?

Can you back all those things?

things up i'm not gonna make all this stuff happen and uh i i assume you still want to uh involve your dad in the lie yes yeah yeah okay that's good welcome into the story um great well thank you so much for coming jordan thank you so much

that was the 28 000 calorie menu of jordan banjo whoa he wasn't messing around he wasn't he really took that piece of information to heart that he couldn't get full yeah yeah and that it was he obviously thought it's not going to put on any weight it's not going to be unhealthy yeah he just he's proper gone for it there yeah i respect that this is my chance this is my chance you know what his men reminded me of you know when you're watching one of those shows where they show an unhealthy person all the food they eat in a week on a table that's what that reminded me of yeah exactly like that it's like so many strawberry daiquiris that just sugar yeah but he didn't mention lavender james he didn't mention lavender so congratulations jordan you get to eat that whole meal and not be full i also liked his honourable muncheons there.

He has with his mum's

tuna pasta bake.

And his nan sweet tea.

His nan's sweet tea.

I think I knew he wasn't going to mention lavender as soon as his starter was chicken wontons from Planet Hollywood.

Yeah.

I thought lavender's probably not going to get a look in.

He'd be a real swerve.

He's come out of nowhere in food tech.

He made some lavender rock cakes.

But Kraken Menu, thank you very much for coming on, Jordan.

James, what are you up to?

Anything you want to plug, my friend?

I'm touring.

Hypothetical is on TV, I think, still still on Dave.

It'll always be on Dave forever when it's on Dave.

Yeah.

So that'll be there.

I feel like there is other stuff that I'm doing, but I can't really remember it now.

Okay.

Good plug, man.

I'm on tour, I guess, depending on when this goes out.

But if you go on my website, edgamble.co.uk forward slash gigs, you can check that out.

Check out my Twitter at EdgambleComedy.

James is on Twitter as well.

The podcast is on Twitter.

Oh, it's all on Twitter at Off Menu Official.

Yes, and that's on Instagram as well.

Please subscribe to the podcast, review the podcast with the lovely five stars.

Check out the soch meads.

That's what the kids say, James.

Meatsy bass?

The soch meatsy base.

Keep listening, tell your friends.

But for now,

mop up the stains around your mat.

I was trying to do like a culinary thing of like oh, like oh, you may you may get down from the table.

That's nice.

That's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

See you later.

Bye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims.

And he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.