Ep 26: Kerry Godliman

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

What's that sizzle?

Why?

It's another hot podcast.

Oh, very nice, Ed.

Ed just comes off with his so quick off the top of his head.

Welcome to Off Menu, the podcast with me, Ed Gamble, and James E.

Gestor.

We've got a cracking guest today, Kerry Godlerman, who's going to be choosing her favourite ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, drink, side.

Kerry Godlerman, wonderful comedian, wonderful actor.

She was on Taskmaster with you, James.

She was.

A worthy opponent.

I don't want to give spoiler alerts to people who haven't seen it, but she gives me a run for my money, I guess.

She won.

So she's going to...

She is our guest today, picking her dream menu.

Now, there is a secret ingredient, James, that if she says that she's out of the restaurant, what is it?

Fruity cheese.

Fruity cheese, quite a left-field one, this.

I don't like it when cheese has apricots in it or cranberries in it.

I don't like those little bits of fruit in the cheese.

No way.

I kind of agree, apart from once I went to Wensleydale, the place, and went on a tour of the Wensleydale creamery.

And you got to try all the cheeses, and I tried the one with cranberries, and I thought it was quite nice.

Oh, did you go with your friend Grommet?

No, I went with my father.

Gromit.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, listen.

Also, this is my way of getting it so that if Kerry does like choose something horrific like a cheese board, and you know how I feel about cheese boards, if she chooses them at that, this is a way of getting her out of the out of the restaurant.

So help me God.

If you try and kick someone out for picking a cheese board, I will block the goddamn door.

We'll see about that.

If you kick someone out for having a cheese board, I leave this restaurant as well.

Great.

And if I leave this restaurant,

you're never getting free, Jeannie.

What?

You're never getting free, Jeannie.

You're the the one who sets me free?

I didn't know that.

I could set you free.

I'm the manager of the restaurant.

I've never went to tail.

If I choke someone out for having a cheese board, I'll never be free as a genie.

Well, there's something to think about.

I can't believe Ed Never free me.

But I'm on board with you that if Carrie picks fruity cheese in her dream meal, she deserves to be kicked out.

Absolutely.

But still, we welcome her with open arms.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the menu of Carrie Goblin.

Let's hope at the door now.

Such an old podcast trope.

Welcome to the magical restaurant, Kerry.

Thank you for having me.

Excellent sound effects.

Welcome.

James is the genie.

FY.

Welcome along.

I'm a genie.

This is a magical restaurant.

I'm also a waiter.

Right.

Here to look after you.

Can I take your coat?

Yes.

I'm fully committing to this role play.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, do it.

Yes, you can take my coat.

And

I can take your bag.

Take it.

Improv.

Yeah, very good improv.

Never block.

Never block an offer.

Do you always give your coat?

Coat and bag at the start of a meal.

Would you give your coat and bag to the people working at the restaurant?

I don't think I eat in places that that's an issue.

I don't recall ever having that thought or dilemma.

You're saying you've never been to a restaurant.

Where someone said, shall I take your coat?

I don't know.

I'm very suspicious of people that want to take my coat.

I'm like, what do you want it for?

I think that might come up in this podcast, my attitude to eating out.

Quite suspicious.

Yes.

What do you think they would do with your coats?

Rifle through the pockets.

Go through your pockets.

What's in your pockets normally?

Hairbands.

And

people get your exchange.

Train tickets and receipts.

Right.

Receipts are pretty important for when you do your channel.

I don't know why I don't expect someone to take my coat, but you're right.

That does make sense because you don't want it drapesing all over the floor, do you?

Drapesing?

Yeah.

Is that a word?

What do I mean?

Drapesyn.

Yeah, drapesing sounds like a word.

Oh my god, are we gonna?

Is this a

draping for a word podcast?

Not one of those word podcasts.

You're gonna pounce on all my choice of words.

I'm just interested about the word drapesing because it sounds like it's a word, but I'm not sure if I've ever heard it before.

This has happened to me in podcasts before, where I feel like I'm at GCC English, and people are going, I don't think you mean that, Kaylee, do you?

No, but

I know what you mean by drapesing.

Well, then that's the main thing, isn't it?

What words are for is to connect with meaning.

So if you know what I mean, don't be a pedant.

Anyone who's ever got angry on the podcast, love it straight away.

Well, has everyone been attacked for their choice of words so early?

No, no, that's true.

No one has, but well, probably, I don't know.

I can't remember because it never kicked off like this before.

I'm just interested.

Drapesy?

Drapesyn.

It's a nice word.

Drapes.

Drapesy to drapes.

Have you never had a bag when you go into something?

What about one of those places with a little clip where they put it on a little clip like they're doing?

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Classy.

That stops robbers, right yeah what in quite a lot of pubs in london they they started having them a few years ago oh it's like a yeah like a little hook clip thing

yeah you put your bag and then if a robber tries to get it they won't be able to because they'd have to like fiddle with it robber what do you mean by robber you know

robber's definitely a word you'd probably say you'd probably say burglarizer

Oh, the burglariser's taken my bag, which I left drapes in the flooring.

I see, I wouldn't have gone with robber.

I'd have said thief.

Right, okay.

Pickpocket.

Well, we obviously come from different times, Kerry.

I obviously come from Victorian times when we're in the middle of the day.

I like to think of you as a Victorian boy.

Kerry said pickpockets me.

Biggies dad.

You did say pickpocket.

That's pretty, pretty Victorian.

Yeah, I like it.

The Kensian.

Yeah.

You, before we started this, said you weren't a foodie?

Well, it's well, you might be.

Well, let's unpick that.

Okay.

Because I don't know if I am a foodie.

I like food.

Yeah.

But I am very scared of pretentiousness when it comes to because a lot of the people I think that our food is, you two not included, are wankers.

So it's quite hard to go, you know, people take pictures of their food.

Yeah.

And I'm very judgmental of that.

Yes.

Okay.

So I'm very cautious of blundering into that sort of behavior.

Like, oh, if I start reading a review of a restaurant, I get very angry.

Right.

I just think, oh, you prick.

Do you know what I mean?

Because

it's so pretentious.

Yes.

It's so achingly pretentious.

And I've got no time for that.

Sure.

I mean, that's a Les Champ review, though.

Absolutely.

Well, that's reviews all over.

That's how, I mean, if I read a comedy review or a theater review, I'm like, fuck you.

What are you bringing to the party?

Yeah.

That's reviews.

So you're right.

It's reviews.

But I don't know what it is about restaurant reviews that really push me.

It's hard because, like,

how can you write about food and not something you're not going to do?

Yeah, like

it's very difficult to.

Because otherwise, you're just saying, What you really want to say is, this was delicious.

Yeah,

but that doesn't give any

music, it's a visceral experience.

And the minute you start using words, which we've already established I'm brilliant at,

it falls apart.

Like, if you start saying, Why do you love that song?

and someone explains, you're like, oh, wank up.

Just enjoy the song.

Yeah, because what you just want to say.

Would you like still or sparkling water, Kerry?

Sparkling, I think.

Now, that's interesting.

I didn't predict that because all your talk of people being protections and wanges.

Yeah, and now we're going to have a sparkling water.

That's what I mean.

We need to unpick it because I think I'm complicated.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like all humans,

not what I seem.

Uh-huh.

Because I am scared of pretension, but I do like things that I like and I like bubbles.

Yeah, sure.

And I like carbonated water.

Yeah.

Because if I'm out, right, having a glass of water and I'm paying for it.

That just sounds like you've gone out just for some water.

Yeah, but then I died out.

But I can get still water out of the tap at home, can't I?

We're out, we're out.

Let's do this.

Yeah, okay.

So let's have bubbles.

Let's have bubbles.

Because bubbled water doesn't come out of the taps at home.

No.

So it's special.

If it did,

would you like it?

Yeah, I would.

I do like bubbled water.

I like bubbled water.

When I was a kid and had a soda stream, they're back in now, aren't they?

Soda streams.

They're coming back.

I used to often just

used to carbonate

water.

You just do that.

You wouldn't even put any stuff.

I would put that horrible cordial stuff in it.

Even as a kid, you didn't like that.

I quite liked a bubbled water.

It's like it's a bubbly water.

Yeah, it's water, but with bubbles.

I think we need to

stop thinking about sparkling or bubbled water as pretentious.

Yeah, absolutely.

I don't think of it as pretentious.

I just think it's a nice treat from your tap.

Yeah, absolutely.

I think it is a nice little treat, but it's not.

I don't think...

Like yesterday we went out for, we had a little podcast staff lunch yesterday.

Me, you and Benito?

Yeah, and I arrived and these two were there already.

They turned up earlier than me, and I was already early, Kerry.

And they'd already ordered some sparkling water.

I thought, hello.

Hello, it's a special fancy day, is it?

Yeah.

And because of the podcast, when the waiter came round and said to us, still a sparkling water, me and Benito just started laughing.

What are you saying?

That's on our podcast.

Then you tipped into pretentiousness.

Yeah, yeah, he did.

He wasn't.

It's a fine line.

We were laughing at last.

It's a fine line.

Pop-adoms on bed, bread, Carrie.

Poppadoms or bread.

Poppadoms?

Is it an Indian restaurant?

Poppadoms or bread.

Bread.

And I bought you some bread to display how much I love bread.

I made you some bread, didn't I, today?

Yeah, you did.

You made us some sourdough.

I made you some sourdough.

Now

it's so nice.

How long have you been doing this for?

I've been doing it on and off for about a year because it's hard to get it started because you need a starter.

Right.

And it took me ages to get my starter.

I don't think I understand this.

I hear this.

I don't fully.

It's a bit science-y.

Yeah.

But you do need to have a good starter.

And it's like having a pet that you need to give love to and attention.

If you forget about it, it won't.

Like a Tamagotchi.

Yes, exactly like that.

So was it a little bit of dough?

It's dough and water.

And then you've got to let it ferment till it's alive and active.

And then when it's just right, you can start making bread out of it.

And it takes ages to get it there.

Really?

Yeah.

And you always have that one and you take like little bits of it.

And there are people that have it like, you know, family heirlooms or something.

I'm not in that territory.

No,

I have got it.

Rob Rouse taught me how to do it.

And he.

Rob rob rouse yes and he

uh when we talk like that when we make sourdough it's like this is

this is our sourdough making boys and uh he gave me his starter to get it started so you can pass them on and get them going oh wow you got rob rouse's sourdough i've got his starter although i think that one went to shit and then i got my own going in the end did you tell him i haven't told him you killed his killed his

he's still coming around your house and eating the sourdough and he thinks it's good to know that my starter's still alive and well yeah and it's not and you're having to bite your lip because you know

his is

you bite your tongue bite your lips but there is i do feel like

i'm smashing the system with making my own sourdough because that's another thing that is pretentious isn't it the cost of sourdough yeah well this is yeah this is the thing so like yeah you're oh so hold on that's what you make me own so by making your own sourdough that's not the and carbonating my own water yeah yeah yeah

i'm sticking it to the man you are beating the system yeah man smashing your own avocado i smash my own avocado and put it on my homemade sourdough do you yes so you smash your own avocado i sprinkle my own chili flakes on there.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to go out and get some chump to make this shit for you.

No, absolutely not.

You can make it at home.

Are you milking a sheep to make your own halloumi?

No, I'm not that fast.

You've got a full brunch fund.

I would, actually.

I do like.

Dog rouse give you a little lamb.

He probably would.

He has got like...

Animos.

Has he?

Animos is a word.

It's all right.

That one's never been.

I like the word animos.

Animos.

I like changing words.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's a different podcast.

So,

yeah, I do like that sort of rusticky vibe where you, I wouldn't mind chickens and

all that crap.

That's not realistic because I live in London and I've got a job.

But in another world, I wouldn't mind that good life sort of vibe.

I got given a chicken once for my 18th birthday.

Wow, alive?

Yeah, alive.

You'll never do this.

I was.

And I lived in London.

I would like to hear this.

So my friend thought it would be funny to buy me a chicken.

It is funny, but it's an awful end to the story.

So,

oh god, did you eat it?

No, Ed went to private school for a bit of context about

what's considered funny.

So, he thought it'd be funny, and he brought the chicken over.

I was like, Why have you ever?

It wasn't a sex game, you weren't meant to stick something in the chicken.

No, you weren't meant to.

But get ready for the rest of the story.

I don't mean me.

Can I just say that now?

I do not like this story already.

Right, well, I didn't, I didn't eat the chicken.

There's some unethical shit going to come at me now as an adult.

The chicken was brought around, and I said, I can't have the chicken here.

I live with my mum.

She can't put a chicken in her garden.

We've got no way of keeping a chicken.

So we took it to my friend's house down the road who had a little sort of coop thing in his back garden.

What was your friend called?

Will.

Will, yeah.

Yeah.

We put it in the coop and then a fox came.

He had a oh, yeah, a fox is taken.

He had a coop ready to roll.

Yeah, because I think someone had bought him a chicken for his birthday.

Oh, the thing.

Yeah, I think it was a big role bought each other chickens.

Yeah, the chicken was called Jal Frazy.

R-O-R-O-P, Jal Frazy.

Jal Frazy, the chicken.

How long did it last?

Three days.

Three days, yeah.

If you don't have a proper lid on the coop, yeah, there wasn't a proper lid.

I don't think it was a proper coop, really.

I think it was just a bit of wire.

It's like an AIP area at a club.

You just call it denoted where

sectioned it off in the corner.

Yeah, you're Jal Frazy.

There's your little, yeah, your little area.

Oh, Fox got him.

Yeah, Fox is going to get him.

Tore it apart.

That's nature, baby.

That's the food chain.

Yeah, that's the food chain.

What comes next?

Over Fox or Ugenger.

Over Fox.

Under Chicken, if if you're under chicken worm grub.

Over fox.

What's over fox?

Nothing.

They are the top of the food chicken.

They look back at you when you stare about.

They're like, fuck you, go through a bed.

Fuck you all, go over a bed.

This is the restaurant for foxes.

Humans don't eat foxes, do they?

No.

They will do post-Brexit.

Oh, yeah, that'll be all those.

That'll be the next

restaurant thing.

Fox.

And you'll be like, I've got your own foxes, you old bunch of mugs.

Got my own foxes in my garden.

I like the way everyone's being so creative about their post-apocalyptic.

It's going to be lovely, listening to me.

Yeah.

Just sourdough fox sandwiches.

So, would you have, in that case, are you saying you would have your own sourdough as the bread in this dream meal?

No, I wouldn't go that far.

It's not that good.

You haven't tasted it yet.

But I would go bread over a poppa dom.

Okay.

I never know self-control with poppadoms.

Yeah.

I don't, I mean, I would just happily disc those into my mouth

or night.

Like a CD player.

Yeah.

And with that little spinning,

you know, all the sauces and chutneys, I'm like,

yes.

What's your favourite one of them?

I get the lime pickle and then the yogurt on top.

And maybe a few raw little onions around there for seasoning.

Oh, yeah,

you're going all in.

But not the mango chutney.

Mongo chutney is a good one.

I don't like sweet.

I do not like sweet and savoury to coexist.

You don't like the savoury.

So I'm anti the pineapple on the pizza.

Yeah.

I'm anti the fruit in a salad.

That can all fuck off.

That's pudding.

Yeah, all that's put.

Never cross the streams.

Nope.

Never the twain, mates.

You wouldn't like if someone had like pineapple in their Nando's wrap or something.

Get out.

Yeah, I wouldn't like that.

Total imposter.

That's James A.

Caster.

He does that.

What?

Yeah, I do it every time.

You put pineapple in your wrap.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

And Nando's wrap, I have cheese and pineapple in it.

Oh, that's really bad, James.

I don't think it should even be an option on the Nando's menu to have pineapple in it.

Oh,

I thought you just took your own pineapple in there.

Oh, I'm not doing that.

I'm not putting it in there.

You're not a savvy.

Putting a tinned pineapple in there.

I'll take my own pineapple, I can.

Yeah, yeah.

Chopping that.

No, no, I've got to put my own pineapple in there.

I didn't even know.

I don't go to a Nando's, but I don't know what's available.

You don't go?

Well, you don't eat meat.

Yeah, it's only meat, isn't it?

Although someone told me you can get a beanie sort of wrap in there, can you?

Yeah, but I think if you're going to Nando's,

don't go there.

Don't go there if you don't eat there.

There's other places.

No, I don't like fruit in a...

I don't like sa apple in a salad.

No.

I don't even really like a pomegranate in a salad and I don't mind.

Well, we'll get to salads.

Oh, will we?

Spoiler that.

I don't like anything sweet.

Like, you wouldn't put, you know, some tootie fruities and refreshers in your dinner, would you?

So don't put a fruit in refreshments.

No, I mean, they're not the same.

Yeah.

Well, they are.

Tootie, fruities, and refreshers aren't the same as apples.

I'll ask a doctor.

Well, yeah, but they're based on fruit.

The origin of an opal fruit is fruit.

Because

fruit's in there.

It's not the name anymore.

What's it called now?

Starburst.

Starburst.

So I'm my age.

My mum doesn't call them Starburst because in the advert for when they changed from Opal Fruits to Starburst, the advert was they were testing out the names on some monkeys to see if they would like the

one of the suggested names was

Chimpy Chompies.

And my mum was like, I prefer that name.

So she's called them Chimpy Chompies.

That's a way better name.

She still calls them Chimpy Chompies.

Well, let's all start calling them Chimpy Chompies.

Yeah, we can do now.

All listeners can start calling them Chimpy Chompies.

We'll get get it.

We don't bring back Kumar's cobbler.

We can do bring back chimpy chompies.

Bring back chimpy chompies.

Hashtag.

Hashtag bring back chimpy chompies.

What would you like as your starter?

Right.

Not to be confused with the starter for the sourdough.

Yes, different starter.

Don't confuse them.

Words having more than one meaning.

Thank you.

For the listener, there was a glare at Ed there.

It's a good glare, wasn't it?

Terry threw a glare over here.

Top drawer podcast glare.

That's really good.

Face for radio.

I think I'm going to have that soup, that Thai soup, Tom Yum soup.

Uh-huh.

Because I like Thai food.

Yes.

But I'm not going to go for it for my main.

So it's better to just swing it in as the starter, isn't it?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

So it's like we can cover Thai food in the starter.

There's more that you want to

take in a whole...

like cuisine that you like you want to get it you want to do a shout out yes exactly shout out to thai food yeah and that's a big whack of thai flavours i know

yeah it is and what is that flavour?

It's kind of like a soury.

It's like lemongrass, I guess, is a lot in the colours.

Yeah, the sour is the key thing of...

I love a soup like that.

I love any sort of, like, if I'm having like Asian flavours, I love that.

Like hot and sour soup or

Tom Yum, isn't it?

Yeah.

And it feels like it properly clears your system.

Oh, yeah, I love it.

It's almost like a medicine, isn't it?

It's like stretchile soup.

Strepsil soup.

It really clears you out.

You like to have your system cleared out.

But it's a nice side effect of a a lovely meal.

Wasabi King prawns from Tao Tao Zhu.

That's my shout out.

And they clean sinuses.

It's lovely if food's medicinal as well.

Yeah.

There's no,

I do like the fact if food is delicious and healthy.

Yeah.

It's a lovely combo.

Yeah.

Well, that's like you're dreaming, isn't it?

Yeah.

Because I think one of the main things we all wish was that the food that tastes delicious was healthy.

Why don't we live in a world where that's the case?

No, it's true.

I get very angry about it that burgers aren't healthy.

yeah you'd just accept it if it was

if you lived in a universe where burgers were healthy you wouldn't question it go well why

you'd be like oh great when you go down that road of if i could change food to be i would make olives the size of apples and apples the size of olives

Wouldn't that be lovely if olives were like apple size and you held a big olive in your hand?

Here's what I like about it.

And you took a big bite out of an olive.

Here's what I like about what you just said, Kerry.

I've heard a number of things, actually.

But one of the things is that it wasn't similar enough to what I was saying to be

something that just occurred to you.

So it's clearly something you've already thought about.

You thought about that.

You were like, I'm going into the food podcast.

At some point, I'm going to get my wild observations about olives.

But it's true.

No, there is a link because we were fantasising about what we'd like.

Oh, we were, but

I said it wasn't similar enough.

So it's not like you went...

Well, that's true of all links.

Well, you know, when you're doing stand-up, you're like, this link's tenuous, but I'm going to push it through.

Well, it was one of of them don't draw attention to it

if it was in a stand-up set that would work fine as a link if you're saying oh wouldn't it be good if burgers were healthy you could say and well we're here

olives are the same size as our because we're in the same genre we're talking about food

food you're in food and what you were speaking conversationally it what what it flags up to me is that it's not it hasn't just occurred to you yeah you've felt something you've always thought i've always felt it you've always wanted that I've talked about it once or twice and people just blink back at me.

It's too salty, that's why.

I think

olive is a perfect size for me yes because you can have multiple if you want to go a bit bigger then like a plum

a little a plum size i grant you uh a big apple would be too much

or an apricot size olive yes please i

i agree

i would know

i agree

that i would like a little olive sized apple like a bag of olive sized apples and pop them in my mouth with the but they have they got cores or can you pit them like an olive with

pitted apples.

Yeah, well no, a jellapino in the apple or a raisin.

Oh,

the brown sugar, yeah.

Well, I'll say this now since we're doing it.

I don't like apples.

What is this?

I'm not keen on apples.

Well then why do you want them

to apples?

Because I'm shrinking them to phase them out.

Just bit by bit every year until they're not.

Once you've got an apple down to olive size, you're phasing it out.

well you're not because it hasn't worked on olives has it we haven't phased out we're phasing them up yeah we're phasing olives up and apples

it's not like small foods are being phased out okay fair dues you've overthought this to me it was a throwaway observation now you're the one that's overanalysing

because what i imagined was like a little bowl of small apples like a like a bowl of olives but do you want them small so i want a fruit bowl of olives yeah and you want you you you only want an olive-sized apple so you don't have to eat much of it so you can So you'll imagine yourself eating one.

I'm shrinking a problem and increasing at good times.

And you're just eating one olive-sized apple, and that's your apple is a little bit more.

And then I'm like, dummy apple.

I think that will only keep very small doctors away.

Yeah.

Tidy doctors.

Yeah, but they'll be placated because I've had me apple won't.

I think you're mainly thinking about you'd like a big olive.

The apples are...

You're only saying the apples are olive-sized because you think it's a one-in-one out thing, right?

I've got something

bigger out of what I like and shrunk something I'm not keen on.

That's what I've done there.

In your head, you can't just make an olive bigger.

You have to put it in like a freaky Friday machine

with an apple and switch them round.

So it's like electricity going between the two of them.

I mean, they both switch.

Yeah.

Because it can't be just the olive olives line.

No.

Although you could just think loads of olives.

Well, yeah, I mean,

that's the modern day solution.

Yeah.

Which I have done.

Have you ever done that?

Gorgeous on an olive?

Yeah.

It's that spread that's made of olives.

I love that.

Put some of that on that.

Tapenard.

Yeah, tapenard.

I love that.

Because then you don't know how many olives you're getting because it's coming in a spread form.

There's no.

And spread that on that sourdough.

An apple's worth of olives.

You could be getting.

Easily.

Yeah.

Easily.

Do you want that on your bread to start?

Let's go.

There's

olive-based recommendation for you.

If you like olives and you like salty things,

there is a little dish at a restaurant called Spontino in London that are.

green olives with an anchovy inside them, breaded and deep-fried.

Oh my God.

Yes, please.

Incredible.

Do they do that in Pol Po?

I think they do something like that.

Yeah, they do.

It's the same guy who runs.

Oh, there we are.

I've had that then.

Yes, absolutely delicious.

Proper salty.

Like, yeah.

Now, imagine that pleasure in the size of an apple.

Too much, Gary.

No, it's too much.

No.

No, so.

It's too much of a good thing.

This Tom Yum soup.

What's in it?

What's in it?

Do you know what's in Tom Yum soup?

Apart from lemongrass, coriandery things.

Is this a quiz?

No, I'm just curious.

I don't know.

I don't know if I've had a Tom Yum soup.

Oh, this is like when you say to a friend, oh, you haven't read this book or seen this film?

Well, I envy you your ignorance.

You're going to have a good time.

You're going to enjoy it, I think.

Yeah.

It's really nice.

It's not the creamy one.

It's not the creamy one.

No, it's watery.

Right.

It's brothy.

Okay.

And it's like just got loads of things floating around in it.

Like the soy mushrooms.

Like whenever I have something like that, or even like ramen or something like that, it's the sort of meal you want to blow your nose after.

Yeah.

Which is bad in a restaurant situation.

yeah it's not a just really clear date soup they say it's not it's not a date soup no saw someone really uh confidently blow their nose on the tube today and um i really admired them it was it was really busy everyone could see her she walked on and sat right in the middle of the carriage and just very really executed it really well didn't do it disgustingly she didn't look in the tissue no just absolutely nailed it oh gosh well done that takes some it's bold isn't it yeah yeah good sound good sound to it as well kind of almost no sound, but like just, yeah, it was fairly impressive.

Oh, actually, no sound.

I was listening to my music.

Right.

See, if you'd heard it, you might have.

Maybe if I had it, yeah, I would have been like, oh, that was the most disgusting thing.

Yeah, people without headphones in, you could just see them like being sick and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Too much.

Too much.

Well, can I just say the reason I liked Thai food?

Because what's the sort of running theme of?

Because I was thinking my favourite food.

Because I don't have favourite food in the same way that I don't have favourite like albums or songs or films because I can't cope with the pressure and the commitment.

So, you never because I'm in constant flux, James.

Yes, right?

So, the minute, like, you know, people that like lists, the list person,

no disrespect to your gender, but it's kind of a blokey thing, isn't it, favorites?

Top three, sure.

I love a list.

Yeah, blokes love a list.

I'm not guilty.

I love radio.

And I get that, I get the appeal because it's a fun, it's a fun little workout for your brain, isn't it?

Like, oh, I can organise all my favorite things.

But

I can't cope with the pressure because I think, oh, one minute I like that and then tomorrow I might not like

that.

So what I've kind of thought is what sort of food, because when you said favorite meal, I'm like, too much pressure.

And also my memory shit.

So I can't remember.

And like, I might have had an amazing meal that might have been the best meal ever and I've forgotten it.

So I associate lovely food with holidays.

and travel and I went to Thailand years and years and years ago and I remember the food just being so good.

Like every meal was so good.

You're just like, oh, I've gained weight without a doubt because I just sat and just gorged on

and over-ordered, did that thing we were talking about earlier where you've been slightly tricked.

So the waiter would be like, oh, yeah, that's plenty for two.

And it came and it was a banquet.

We were like, well, I've reached it now.

So just over, overate.

And I loved all the flavours.

Everything's so fresh and such a unique sort of flavour.

And I've reduced all of that.

whole country's cuisine into one starter.

One soup bowl.

Tom Yum soup.

Tom Yum soup.

Also, when you said earlier, when you just said that we were talking earlier about ordering too much, that was before the podcast.

Last night, me and Ed ordered a takeaway and we thought we were ordering tiny things and it was actually

basically sandwiches.

I mean I can't believe you ordered sandwiches.

But they were like sort of it's a repas, which is like South American fried breads with like really nice fillings.

Oh, okay.

I was thinking about like you know it wasn't like feminists.

Yeah, no,

it was really it was really nice stuff Okay, the picture sort of seemed to suggest they were like little pockets rather than yeah, yeah, and then they arrived and they were full, sort of disc size.

It would be preferable if they put, right, we were discussing earlier, either a scale bar on the side of the photograph or a picture of a thimble or something we know the size of to compare it to.

A two P would be a trust, but not an olive after this conversation.

No, no one knows what size an olive is.

No one knows what size an olive is these days.

So we've come to your main course now?

Yeah.

So

this won't be Thai because you've

covered that.

Is this another shout out to a different cuisine that you love or?

Well, this is, I'm not, you might, I might have, I might not be, I might have broken the rules because I'm not very good.

Right, what I've gone for for my main is salad.

Okay.

Okay, and I love all those kind of otolengi type salads that people wank on about now.

So when you go to those places and there's all these lovely, like big,

healthy with like roasted vegetables in it and fresh herbs and bits of feta sprinkled on top and

all that kind of food.

I love that kind of food.

A hearty salad.

A hearty, lovely, healthy, well thought out.

There's been some cooking and some seasoning.

It's not just a shitty old salad.

It's a really pleasing like commitment to flavours.

Yeah.

That sort of salad.

It's not breaking the rules.

Isn't it?

Because it's not a specific dish.

Well, oh,

you can't think of a salad you've had somewhere that we're going to be able to do it.

No, because there's one I make.

I like.

It's like giant couscous and it's got roasted butternut squash in it and it's got like mint and it's really nice.

It's really nice.

And it's sort of

olivey.

Again, I think a little bit of it is associating food with holidays.

Yeah.

And that's like...

holiday food, summer food.

Yeah, like fresh, like really fresh.

You like the garden in the holiday holiday?

Yeah.

Yes, exactly.

And you go, oh, look, there's a bush of mint there.

I'll pick some and sprinkle it on my lunch.

That sort of

thing.

I've got Ottolenge's most recent book.

Yeah.

I think.

And it is amazing.

And you think, I'm going to have a nice, healthy salad.

And then you go to make it and you use half a bottle of olive oil.

Yeah.

So the last one I made was like a really nice bread salad.

So it was like all mixed.

tomatoes.

Oh, I love that bread salad.

Bread, like grilled bread.

And you throw it in and then garlic and anchovies and stuff.

And it all soaks the juice.

It all soaks up, but it's just about half a bottle of olive oil.

It's amazing.

Oh, but it's so delicious.

That's for me.

I've had this chat with Ed before, and every time I have a salad,

I don't have any dressing on it at all.

Oh, that's weird.

Anything because I've joyless.

That is joyous.

It's a salad, isn't it?

It's joyless, whatever.

No.

My thing is that

if I'm having a salad,

if I'm having a salad, I'm just having a salad to try and be good.

No.

If I want to eat, like, you know, a bunch of junk, I'll go and eat like some real good, like a bit burger or something like that or like a lovely i hear what you're saying but that i think salad's changed yeah salad has changed because yeah you're right you think of salad as like a an earnest healthy dish but that's not true anymore you can have a naughty salad so you you can have a naughty salad yeah

because i remember like years ago when you'd go to the salad bar at pizza hut and you know you'd make your bowl and you put your cucumbers discs to get an extra layer around the side and sprinkle it with all the shit and that that then we were already diffusing that salad is healthy right back then, weren't we?

Oh, yeah, because you put like blue cheese dressing on it and stuff.

Sure,

so salad being healthy, those days are over.

Yeah, but

that's what I mean: is that like

the, I mean, it doesn't taste good enough.

Oh, I'll make you a salad.

I'll make you a salad that will be a good one.

Oh, something nice, but I just always feel like, even a nice salad, I'm like, that was nice, but I would have maybe preferred a wrap of cheese and pineapple.

Well, what you've made.

Well, no, no, no, no.

Well, you're wrong.

But also, what you keep referring to as a sort of like a staple of good times is a burger.

Now, I would argue, boring, but burgers are boring.

Yeah, but the burger.

It's just a lump of meat and some bread.

But burgers have changed, Kerry.

So although I know you're keeping up to date with all the changes in salad.

Yeah, I'm not eating steak.

I always feel left because I don't eat meat, so that's that.

That's a game changer.

And a veggie burger, I've had the odd nice one, but they're never great.

I feel Swiss because it's just something in bread.

And anything that's in bread, like even a pizza, I'd go as far as to say a bit of a racket.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Cheese and tomato toasty.

Is that what it is?

That's what a pizza is, mate.

You close your eyes and I give you a pizza, but you feel it was a cheese and tomato toasty.

You won't go tell the difference.

I've had very few pizzas that have made me go, oh, right, I get it.

I think, and interestingly, I think this is going to be another controversial episode.

Yeah.

That Kerry has come in and picked salad for her main and then said pizza's a racket.

There's going to be some people up in arms out there.

I get that some people might be upset.

And I know that dominoes and that it might affect sales, but

I just don't get why people really lose their shit over pizza huts.

I get why people lose their shit over good pizza.

I'm not like, I'm not bothered about dominoes, pizza hut, anything like that.

I think it's too much.

Well, that's a racket.

But that's huge.

That's a racket.

I mean, I recently got a Pizza Hut pizza.

My daughter wanted it for a birthday.

I couldn't believe how tasteless it was.

Well, it's and it's just so, it's too much.

It's like cake.

It's like a bit of cake with some cheese on it.

I hear you.

I have had good pizzas.

Yeah.

Like really nice Italian pizzas.

Like, yes, properly good.

And then you've got a few capers involved and a bit of seasoning.

Yeah.

I get that, but I do.

Massive olive.

Yeah, huge apple-sized olive in the middle.

I'm not a savage.

You can cut it up and sprinkle it on.

Slice it up.

Grate it.

Grate your apple olive all over your pizza.

Really?

Yeah.

Really back to square one.

Oh, yeah.

I see what you've done, though.

You've faced it.

But yeah, I don't, I'm not that bothered about pizzas and burgers, which is seen to be the ultimate treat food.

And I'm not that bothered about that.

You like her.

And I really like, like, to me, if you go to a sort of a summary party, let's say, and there's a table of lovely salads, like a good coleslaw, a nice potato salad with like fresh herbs in it and chives and all that, I love all that.

And a quiche, a lovely quiche.

Oh.

Oh, a lovely quiche with asparagus in it and all those kind of fragrances.

Asparagus quiche.

Yes.

And like gorgonzola and all those flavours.

Cheesy, eggy, herby flavours.

And then, you know, maybe you're in Greece when you're eating this banquet.

Okay.

Yeah, you're by the sea.

Yeah.

You're on a Greek island.

Having some quiche in Greece.

Yes.

Greek quiche.

What's that pie?

What's that Greek pie that's spinach and

that's I'm having that as my main actually.

So I'm having that

So I'm having that.

Oh no no no salads yeah but that's the main course.

Oh that's with the salada Spani copper tea.

And a big old hut.

And a lovely load of lovely salads.

And it's all and you can keep going back for more.

Is there any way you've had the best Spaniard copper you've ever had?

I'm enjoying having the same spana.

Probably in Greece.

I think some of my most lovely food moments are in Greece and Thailand.

But again, it's travelling, isn't it?

It's being on holiday.

Yeah.

And just there's nothing like being in Greece.

And it's got one of those tables with those clips that hold the tablecloth down.

And then, and you just have, this is going to be my side.

So can we go to that now?

I'm going to have Tziki and and chips.

Taziki and Chips.

There's nothing like Tziki and Chips.

Just such a lovely meal.

Yeah, I know.

And then you think, oh, I've had that and I'm going to go for a swim.

Are you going to have a swim as well?

Yeah.

Are you having a swim too?

Maybe I should show health and safety.

I should hang back.

Oh, because of.

Yeah, because I've just eaten.

Well, it's a dream restaurant.

We can put the sea in.

Okay.

That's fine.

I want the sea to be right up to the table.

Like one of those Greek tavernas where the restaurant is on the beach.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

And you can have like fresh fish and

fresh salads, Greek salad with all the oregano sprinkled on and the olive oil and the big lump of feta.

We used to go on holiday to Cyprus.

Yes.

And just basically lie on the beach all day.

And there was a Taverna right there, right on the beach at Nighthand, Hallumian chips every day.

Every day.

And why wouldn't you?

Every day.

And then fell into the sea.

Yes.

And then fell into the sea.

Koei wants the water right up to the table.

Yes.

Right up to the table.

So after you finished your Sikhian chips, you can just fall off your chair and

flee backwards.

Just Fall back into the Mediterranean.

Yeah, it is annoying because sometimes you do have to have a swim after a meal and you're it ruins a swim.

Yeah.

The whole time you're like, I could sink.

You're a big swimmer?

You love swimming?

Yeah, I swim two or three times a week.

Wow.

Love swimming.

I don't like it.

You get wet.

That's true.

I don't like a very body conscious.

I don't like that.

Oh, that'll ruin it.

Like going to the swimming pool.

I'm similar.

Just walking around in my underwear in front of everyone.

Don't like that.

Ah, you need to buy some trunks.

Still staying.

You had your bum out at the swimming pool, James.

You'd be wearing your little iron man buddy.

Little budgie smugglers.

I like swimming and I think I don't care about that.

So it's boring.

I start swimming and then I was like, what the fuck are the swimming?

No, I find it quite meditative.

I go into a zone.

But it's because the scenery is just the same.

Yeah, no, I go in, I go into the swing.

You can't listen to my music while I'm doing it.

Oh, you can nowadays, can't you?

Because you can get those waterproof pod.

doodas.

Can you?

Yes, you can get.

My friend swims with headphones in.

You can do it but i quite like i don't run with headphones either i quite like just having my thoughts oh no thank you

i thought thank you to my thoughts i i don't have fun thoughts like you you're you're walking up being like oh imagine if olive was the size of a leather or stuff like that

i'm running around going oh i'm going to die one day that's inevitable

i can't i can't do it i run quite a lot and i have to have headphones in play music and on the rare occasion my headphones run out of battery or my phone runs and that's a nightmare and i'm running and there's nothing in there it's the closest I come to panic attacks

but you push through that and on the other side of that is peace and tranquility Ed the other side of that is isn't the abyss

I can see now

just images of Jal Frazy in his head getting ripped apart by foxes oh

block that out Jal Frazy my old friend The worst is when I've run out of podcasts to listen to when I'm running and I end up listening to this podcast.

Oh,

so I could be running right now, listening to me talking about me running.

That's like foot and mouth.

It's like foot and mouth.

That's weird.

Why is it like foot and mouth?

Because you're eating yourself.

I'm eating myself.

Oh, no good will come from that.

But he's eating his own foot.

Yeah.

Is that what you mean by foot and mouth?

The foot melts his foot and mouth.

It's a cow eating a cow, isn't it?

Is that where it came from?

I think so.

Or is that BSE, isn't it?

Oh, is it?

I don't know, but it's all right.

It's like one of them.

It's one of them.

You're consuming your own.

No good will come from that.

Or it's like the the

processes.

It's like the Ouroboros.

Yeah.

Which is the picture of the snake eating its own tail, right?

There we are.

That's you listening to a podcast of yourself.

I'm talking about listening to a podcast of yourself.

Ed, throw yourself away.

Never listen to it.

Never listen to it.

I can't bear my voice.

If I ever catch a bit of myself like on tele or on a podcast, whatever, I just think, who is that loud cockney crone?

Shut her down.

Well, we've tried.

No, you haven't.

You invited me on to a book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's encouraging.

The last thing we'd want is to shut you down.

What's in Tatziki?

I don't know.

Oh, yogurt, cucumber, garlic, big time garlic.

And this is a little footnote on garlic.

Whenever I follow a recipe that says three coves of garlic, I always was in six.

Yeah.

Love garlic.

Double.

Doubling.

Refer to all of garlic.

Doubling.

Refer to all of garlic.

Yes.

And my friend from one of my oldest school friends is Greek, and she taught me the secret of good Tatziki making is you squish out when you grate the cucumber put it in a grate

sieve rather and push out all the liquid because it can often get too watery.

So you have to make it if you want it nice and thick you've got to get the liquid out.

Sieve the cucumber.

Yeah.

That's often my problem with cucumber.

I think you may as well just have a pint of water.

Yeah, it's a nice flavour though.

I quite like cucumber as a flavour.

I quite like it in water.

I like it in water, yeah.

Yes.

That's a nice little...

That's the argument there, Ed.

But yes, Tzuziki and olive oil and salt.

Like all the things.

I was talking to someone recently and we were like, what is the key ingredient?

It's salt.

It's fat and it's salt.

Yeah, like when you eat something and go, mmm, that's delicious.

What?

What is that?

Is salt?

Salt is the, especially in restaurant food.

If you watch chefs actually cook something, it's basically the key to restaurant food is tripling the salt that you're putting at home.

It's naughty and it's salt.

Would you have salt in your salad?

This big definitely.

I've got no anti-salt movement going on here.

What kind of salt you're having?

Because I like that stuff that you can crumble in your fingers.

Yeah, that's nice.

Muldoon, is it that sort of sea salt or something?

Yeah, sea salt.

Yeah, I think it might be that.

Yeah, something like that.

Moldova and the molder and muldoon, yeah, yeah.

But once you've had that, it's hard to go back, isn't it?

Yeah, it's hard to go back to the old crappy stuff.

Yeah, to the old, how do we salt?

We really are the liberal elite.

We are, we get to keep people pretty angry about that.

And now we're titching to pretentiousness.

Yeah, we have, yeah.

It's a really fine line to go, oh, I love a thing, as simple and as basic as salt, and then suddenly you sound like a wanker.

Yeah.

How easy is it?

It's hard because all these things are, you know, when you do them, they are really nice.

And so we all like talking about nice things simple pleasure.

But it's really hard because

of

class systems and stuff ruins it all.

Because I get really chippy in a posh restaurant.

I don't know how to cope.

I feel like picking my nose and farting.

I don't know how to be.

Because you want to show them where you're from.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think it's just, I just think, how much?

I just think the whole thing is a racket.

I feel like that in going into a shop like Liberty's sometimes if you go and go and have a I use the toilet in Liberty's quite a lot.

Yeah,

lovely toilets a good toilet, but then you walk through the menswear and there's like 600 quid for a shirt.

I know it's nuts.

I feel like I genuinely I have felt I want to do a fart on this and leave.

Yeah.

So it doesn't bring out like it does make me a bit chippy.

Yeah, yeah, I get.

I had a real massive chip on my shoulder about poshness for a bit.

Yeah.

And I had to, I had to.

You've got to keep an eye on that, haven't you?

It's like all sort of um i suppose the minute you become prejudiced of anything you go oh i've got to rethink that because i'm like basically making judgments before i've even fully explored the thing i think it was because it was the only it's the only thing i could punch up on yeah

yeah that's true but you could be missing out on a really good dinner couldn't you yeah but and also i'm more than happy if someone else is paying i mean that's the hypocrisy in me i'm like this is bullshit and then someone says i'll treat you i'm like that's great i'm leaning in i'm leaning in i'm sorry i slagged it off and said it was pretentious shit.

Absolutely delightful.

If you're paying, it's gorgeous.

Let's go.

If you've got to dress up for a meal, I get in a state.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, God.

Yeah,

that's the only thing I feel a bit weird about is when there's a dress code in the sky.

Yeah.

Just think, why?

Yeah.

Does there need to be?

And it normally means it's not going to be a fun night out.

No,

you're just too self-conscious.

You can't even cope with a swimming pool.

How are you going to cope with a dress code?

That's true.

Well, as long as the dress code isn't in your pants, I'm fine.

Yeah, as long as that's what the dance is.

Well, it is at my beach restaurant.

Oh, is it?

Oh, yeah.

You're in your pants.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're on holiday.

No, thank you.

Really?

Oh, haven't I sold it?

Lovely Greek meal by the sea with the sea left in the middle of the side.

Yeah, but not if it's just a whole ruse to get you to perv on me.

Yeah, but I don't care about things.

I mean,

you should see me at the swimming pool.

I mean, I don't advise it.

I don't give a fuck who's looking.

Oh, hairy legs.

I'm like, what are you looking at, mate?

I don't care.

Starting fights at some of them.

Yes.

Someone tried to start a fight with me at a swimming pool in Edinburgh.

What?

It was like a woman in her 50s, I reckon.

Oh, swimming women are quite aggressive.

There's no lanes in the Scotsman Spa swimming pool.

Yeah.

But we were swimming.

There's only us two in the pool.

She's, you know, basically in the middle.

So I went right over to one of the people.

Swimming lane was.

I've been there.

And then she started to drift.

Drift and water.

Like a hippo.

Like a fucking hippo.

So I then drifted even more.

You know, I'm fairly polite.

So I was like, I'll just move out of the way of it.

I can be right next to the wall.

I don't mind.

And then she started kicking me.

Yeah, no, that's not on.

Booting me.

I was like, What are you doing?

I had to stop.

I was like, What are you doing?

She went, Get out of my wee.

Oh, that's not on.

It's like when a bloke does the butterfly, you're like, You're living in a dream world, mate.

This is a municipal pool.

You are,

I got concussion from your ego.

Like, what are you doing?

Surely, you'll be happy when people do the butterfly because they're taking the small thing and making it big.

No, you've got the wrong end of the stick there.

He's being a massive butterfly.

This is lane swimming.

Lane swimming.

There are a lot of people here.

No,

that doesn't apply.

That rule does not apply.

That link is shit.

But I have had arguments with lane swimmers.

And I've given people cut eye, which I can't demonstrate now because it's a podcast, but you know a bit of cut eye.

Yeah.

Doesn't work in goggles.

I'll tell you that right now.

You can't do cut eye in goggles.

Like a prick.

You have to stop.

You have to stop them and you have to stop.

Stop it.

Put your goggles up.

Yeah.

Give them cut eye.

Then say, stop

draping yourself all over the wrong lane.

Stop draping.

Do you wear goggles?

Will you swim?

Yes, absolutely, 100%.

Of course, I do.

I'm swimming lane swimming.

Otherwise.

I can imagine you'd look funny in goggles.

Of course, I look funny in goggles.

Who doesn't look funny in goggles?

No one looks good in goggles.

No one looks good in goggles.

No, but like,

it's really embarrassing when you run into someone.

It's so amazing.

It makes me laugh more to imagine you in goggles than it does.

Imagine like Ed in goggles.

Yeah, I bet it does.

I mean, I'm fully on board with that.

Like, I know if I walk past myself as I'm getting in or out of the pool past a mirror, I would laugh in my face

like an idiot.

Do you wear a swimming cap?

Yes.

And I do like a bit of, I'll swim at two in Lido into the winter, so you've got to wear a head cap.

Maybe even wear some of those, because those women you're referring to, like the 50 plus wild swimming nutcases, don't fuck with those women.

I don't know.

They're really hardcore.

Like they are not dicking about because the adrenaline you get when you do cold swimming, wild swimming or whatever, you feel invincible.

Like when you get out, I mean, I went through a phase where I was evangelical about it.

Right.

Like because you get off on it.

There'll be a chemical thing, won't there?

Yeah.

Where you're just buzzing off it.

Yeah.

And for a good hour after, if someone gave you any shit, you would take them down.

Do you know what I mean?

Like you feel like, you know, when you have a good gig, that feeling of like, oh,

that.

That feeling times a thousand.

Really?

Yeah.

You're starting fights.

But if you looked in a mirror, all that glory would be over in a snap.

Because you'd be like, oh, I look like that.

And I wear gloves as well.

You can wear like swimming gloves.

Because your hands will get caught.

You're extremely sweet.

But they've got webbed, so you're

No, I haven't got webbed ones.

But

it's your feet and hands that get super cold, isn't it?

When you do that kind of swimming.

Do you have flippers on as well?

No, I don't go that far.

To be honest, it's not the swimming, it's the coldness that you like.

Yeah, it's the coldness.

And then afterwards...

You could just stick your head in the fridge.

Tommy, I'm super.

Oh, really?

Afterwards.

No, you've got to be in the water.

You can't stick your head in the fridge.

I like the way you've approached that.

It's not that.

No.

Do you have cold showers?

Yes.

What is it?

The proper science of like there's something

gets triggered, doesn't it?

And you can feel very good.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I've very rarely built myself up to do that, but when I do have a cold shower, I really...

You feel good, do you?

Yeah.

So you're having a cold swim, then you're having the tom yum soup and clearing your system out.

Yeah.

I love soup.

Soup is great, isn't it?

I went off soup for quite a while because when I had my wisdom tooth out, it got infected and I could only eat

liquids.

And so I had so much soup.

And afterwards, I thought I never, ever want to even see some soup again.

Right.

for many years.

I've actually only just started eating soup again, I'm only just getting back into it.

But I had a very nice soup at my parents the other day, so they make it.

My mum made it, yeah, homemade soup is the best smoked sausage kind of soup, and it was very nice.

Yeah, yeah, homemade soup's the best, yeah.

But if you made a soup, I make soup a lot, I'm a big soup maker because it's a way of getting kids to eat vegetables.

That's good, sneak it in, sneak it in, yeah,

they're like, What's in this?

Sweets,

sucking, fruit salad, yeah, palm of violets.

Yeah.

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what is your drink oh

i don't have a favorite drink sometimes i go to a bot when you know when you go out and someone goes what shall i get you and you're like ah you have a breakdown because you can't decide like

depends what mood you're in right yeah it would probably be wine wouldn't it with dinner like you're likely to go wine i would have thought um

and probably red yeah Probably red.

But red doesn't go with Thai food.

But it doesn't have to.

I mean,

this is your dream meal in the dream.

Okay, if it was, if it was.

No one's judging you.

No one's judging me.

Well, let's.

What a fucking relief head.

What a ticket you've just given me.

No one's judging you, Kerry.

No one's judging you at the swimming pool, James.

You've got to get over that.

Everyone's getting on with their own swimming.

No one's judging the words you use, Kerry.

Right.

But it seems that they are.

But it just seems like they are.

Okay, if we're sticking with the scenario of my Greek beach salad meal, it would be a lovely cold beer.

A lovely cold beer.

Is there any particular type of beer that you like?

Are there Greek beers?

I don't think there are Greek beers.

There must be a Greek beer or two knocking around.

Benito, look up

great Greek beers, please.

But when you're travelling, a beer from like when I was in Thailand,

like they do some lovely Thai beers, don't they?

Is Thaiga Thai beer?

Well, that's Indian, isn't it?

I like that.

I find wherever you are, you drink the local beer.

Yes.

And you're like, this is amazing.

And then you might see it somewhere.

And it's not the same.

When you get back, it's horrible because Balkan beer.

Is that a Greek beer?

Mythos.

There you go.

A methos.

I'd have a methos with.

Vagina.

Vagina?

So that's what it else says.

Virgina.

And a lovely cold glass of vagina.

V-R-G-I-N-A.

Yeah, I can't think how else you pronounce that.

Vagina.

You make the

college.

Yeah, that's good.

Actually, now I come to think of of it yes i have had a good vagina has its own particular tradition indeed the choice

the choice was not random rumours say that there was a place where the first form of vagina in antiquity was produced there you go so you have a cold vagina yeah i'd have a cold vagina with my salad lovely everywhere else apart from here seems to just get cold beer exactly right yes like just free and it doesn't really matter what the beer tastes like then you don't think it's alcoholic you're like no yes you can't do it four with lunch yes please and then go for a pool.

Oh, that's real holidays, isn't it?

Drinking at lunch.

Yeah, loads of cold beers at lunch and then go for a dip.

Yes, please.

Please.

Dip, and the dip would be tatsiki, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, I was still thinking about vagina.

Yeah, as per.

That's like, I'll go to the swimming pool.

So it comes to your dessert, Kerry.

Right, I'm not hugely sweet-toothed.

No, you've made that very clearly, George.

You're very...

I'm not like, ooh, puddings.

You know when people go...

Do you know what I mean?

When people go really like weird about cake.

Yeah, well,

you've got one across the table.

Eating pudding boards.

I love cake and puddings.

Because

one of your recommendations for my New York trip.

Yes.

Which I've got a bones pick with you about.

There we go.

Because there were lots of people.

I went to New York recently for a family holiday at New Year.

And James very kindly, among a group of friends, recommended lots of places to eat.

So I put them all together.

I was really pleased with my skills because I put them all together in one document and I had a huge list of recommendations

and I felt really organised and I had that with the passport and all the flight details.

Get to the airport, go to check in, hadn't done those Esta forms.

So

couldn't go to America.

So I had, I don't know.

Don't you have this is a bone to pick with me.

It's not my goal.

Because no one, everyone recommended, oh, go to this vegan diner, eat these noodles.

No one said you can't get into the fucking country to eat the food if you haven't done the basic vegan.

I didn't go, oh, by the way, you also want to get on this flight.

I don't know what you're doing.

That's what you said.

You know, I did your entire holiday.

Any of it, you go, you have done your estimate, yeah, but you've not asked them for recommendations about how to get into America.

The note of being in the country to eat the food is, can I get into the country?

You're not asking me to talk that.

I thought they'd been patronising of me.

Oh, by the way, Kelly, you have organised yourself.

Don't be scared of patronising me because you're probably pointing out something I've overlooked.

We missed our flight.

Oh, that's not my fault.

I should have rang you and said, James, we've just missed our flight.

So thanks for the diner recommendation.

But we've missed our flight.

I mean, all that advice and not one

basis.

But what did you ask for?

What you asked for?

What did you ask for?

I did ask for food recommendations.

Can I have some food recommendations?

Yes, and it's assumed that I knew because I had been to America before.

I was going to say, but I forgot.

I was going to say you've got to be able to do that.

Kevin, you've been eaten at all these places.

Oh, a little tip as well.

Don't eat your Esther.

I hope you've got that.

Well, if you'd said that, you'd have done it unpatronisingly, with humour, and I would have got the information.

I actually assumed you would have done it.

Okay,

everyone assumed that, and I had a high opinion of you.

Well, lower it.

You've definitely been to America before.

Yes.

Worked in America before.

Yeah, you have.

You've worked before.

But because I worked there, I I think someone else filled the forms before.

Well, you would have had a visa if you had a working visa you don't have.

A grown-up filled in the form.

Yeah.

I hate forms, Ed.

But that's an online, the Esther thing is so easy to get.

Oh, is it?

It's so easy to do.

You're touching me at the airport having a panic attack with crying children.

Are we not going on holiday anymore, mummy?

It seems not, no.

Well, because James Acaster.

Because James fucking Acaster told us where to get the best Knickerpocker glory,

but we can't get into the country.

So that was what I did.

But you made it eventually we got there eventually we got the next there the next day but you a lot of your recommendations were sweet stuff weren't they some of them yeah and we never got there we never got there because i'm not really into sweet stuff particularly what about your kids are they at sweet stuff oh god big time

but yeah but they got we they did get i don't i'm not mean i did they did get you didn't take to the milk bar

we didn't get to the milk bar i mean what i did discover is that actually to it you if you're on holiday and you are a foodie you can plan your whole day around where to eat can't you but we were trying to swing in some other stuff like museums and Statue of Liberty as well.

So I had to try and work out an itinerary where we could get

the recommended food places near what we were doing.

That's kind of tricky because obviously the really good tourist things you want to do, a lot of the food...

nice food things won't necessarily be nearly all the way because when we went to the diner you did recommend we got an uber because we were staying in brooklyn and that was in brooklyn i didn't know how big brooklyn was it was a 45 minute uber journey to that diner but it was worth it it's champ's diner diner,

vegan diner, absolutely incredible.

It was so good, I loved it.

It was really nice, isn't it?

Really loved it.

So, thank you for that.

But you said that your skin

was scared for nearly ruining my holiday.

I mean, I didn't, yeah, Frank was scared.

My son was scared because it was a bit scary.

Like, they have horror heads hanging from the ceiling, and it's that kind of

B-movie sort of vibe, isn't it?

Yeah, there's that bit of that going on.

There used to be a they've changed its name now.

It used to be called The Drunken Cowgirl, and I'd get that at Champs, which was like Tater Tots and Tofu Scramble.

We got that the first time we went.

I had that because you told me to get that, so I got that.

Great.

So if you told me to fill in the visa, I'd have done that.

Point made.

We did go to a really good, like, real classic American-y dinery place called

Bub Bubbies or Buddies or something like that.

That was that was really good.

Like, we did have really good food, but I didn't manage to get to all the recommended places.

Yeah, you had a lot of recommended.

You'd never get to all of them.

Last time I went with my girlfriend, I'm obsessed with food, obviously, so I was like, we need to go here, here, and here.

She's like, okay, she really likes food as well.

Also, just wanted to do some other stuff.

And the one restaurant she was allowed to pick was in Times Square, and it was the diner.

The food was absolutely awful, but all of the staff sing.

Oh, well, yeah, that's a good trade-off.

So that is, we had to queue one hour.

I'd eat a pizza if they sang.

One and a half hours.

One and a half hours.

Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah, we had to queue to get into it.

I think it was called something like Ella May's Stardust Diner or something.

Oh, wow.

And all the staff sing, and not all of them can sing very well.

Yeah, I'm not sure I'd want that.

They all do like a, you know, they get their little solo and they're like walking along the table singing move like jagger or whatever it was.

But then you've got to do, then you've got to do that fake encouraging smile.

I did not do a fake encouraging smile.

What did you do with your face?

I just sort of looked at my cob salad at about three cores light.

Did your girlfriend enjoy that?

She had a brilliant time.

Oh, did she?

Well, that's the thing.

Yeah.

Ed was miserable.

Yeah.

She thought it was hilarious, did you?

She'd been dragged around all these places he wanted to go to.

I would love to go back and go to all those lovely places.

I like American food.

They know how to cook, don't they?

Some good recommendations if you go back to New York.

Yes.

Fill in your Esther.

Thank you, Ed.

We should have spoken before.

God's sakes, little kiss ass.

So my pudding,

right, because I have an appalling memory and I'm sure I've had some nice puddings in the past, but this one was in the last six months, so we're going to have to go with that.

I went to the Garden Museum.

Have you ever been there?

Probably not.

Not the target demographic.

So I went to the Garden Museum somewhere in town.

I can't remember where it is.

Lambeth Palace.

The Garden Museum.

Yeah.

And they've got a lovely cafe.

What is the Garden Museum?

It's a museum about gardens and gardening.

I've revealed quite a lot about myself, haven't I?

I'm not cool.

Should I have said that at the top?

No, no, there's no coolness here.

It's not a cool thing.

It's just...

But I've established that I bake bread and I like gardening.

I can't think of many things that sound more boring than the garden museum.

Oh, well, I'll take you, James.

I think I might be able to change.

Oh, it's brilliant.

The garden music.

Yeah, there's stories and there's people, like, there's these gardening sort of pioneers.

Gardening's a world.

It's like art.

It's like a world.

It's a world.

Like a gardener's world.

They have

old spades hung up and stuff.

A couple of that, but it's not about that.

It's about the people that were sort of pioneers and innovators in the world of gardening.

Like, there are all these people that were seeds.

He's not, he doesn't beach that.

Because there are these people, I can't remember what they were called, but when the new world opened up in oldie-worldy times, there were people that would go all around the world and get seeds from like other.

So most of the trees and plants that you know, they're not indigenous.

They were bought here from the Americas and

so on, other continents.

There were all these people that pioneered all these plants.

I'm going to do a gardening podcast, you wankers.

What the listener can't see is that during that

speech, what you did is that you got your, so your hair's been hanging down.

Now I put it up in a like a one of the I'm one of those.

So your hair's been hanging down.

Let me just tell the listener what happened and then you can

you can respond to it.

But your hair's been hanging down all interview.

Yeah.

And then while you were saying that, you grabbed either sided like pigtails in your hands and then you folded it up so it was on the top of your hand.

That must be a kinetic memory.

You got a clip and you clip them together at the top without looking at any of this.

And then you carry on talking about gardening while there was just this weird kind of mess of hair.

You couldn't have been weren't on stage like that.

It was like

it was all coming off a different strand.

Anyone tell me?

So you just did that, and then you continued to try and earnestly explain to me why the gardening museum was good.

And that's why that was funny.

Okay.

That's what you've got to do sometimes to make something funny.

You've just got to make yourself look physically, didn't you?

It was great.

You're so like, I've got to make this point.

I knew I was on thin ice, so I thought if I dig around with my hair, it's displacement activity.

Also, when I garden, I put my hair up, so it must be a kinetic management.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're getting ready to garden.

I like wearing like really scruffy jeans and boots, and those funny gloves, and just getting lost in a garden.

That's nice.

I've got an allotment as well.

Oh, yeah.

How long were you on the waiting list for that?

I waited four years for that allotment.

It's London's a long wait.

That's almost as long as I waited for the Stardust Diner.

It would be good if someone sang to me up at the allotment.

But actually, a lot of what's nice about an allotment is you grow edible stuff.

So it's like a, so we've looped it back, nice link.

Yeah.

Is there's, there is a very satisfying feeling about cooking food you grew.

No prizes for guessing what.

Kerry is trying to grow on her allotment.

Like a mad scientist.

I will crack that olive thing.

I will crack the olive apple-sized olives.

I will.

We still haven't heard you, but put it up.

Oh, yeah.

So I was at the Garden Museum and

it was like a chocolate mousse.

And it was

cherries or prunes or something of that department soaked in brandy on the moose.

And it was really nice.

Yeah.

I love that.

From the Garden Museum.

From the Garden Museum.

The Moose itself was nothing special because a moose

is a moose.

But it was the Boozy Berber.

I don't know if the Moose is a moose.

It was the Boozy Berries.

It was the Boozy Berries.

Like, okay, you're right.

You can get some amazing moose.

But the boozy berries, which took it to another level.

Set it off perfect.

Have you had the boozy berry?

I think I might have had a boozy

cherry before.

Yeah, I think it's a thing.

So you have to soak it

in what brandy or something?

I guess.

You had it, I think.

Oh, it was so delicious.

I used to buy my auntie and uncle peaches soaked in brandy every Christmas.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And then have it with some vanilla ice cream.

Oh, that sounds nice.

So if I was going to get involved in a pudding or a sweet, it would be soaked in booze.

Yeah.

So whatever it is has to be soaked in booze.

Well, fruit.

So what I take away, so the fruit that I've discarded from my main,

I have soaked in booze and put it where it firmly belongs in the pudding.

So, no waste.

No waste.

I'm not anti-fruit, but just not in the form of savoury.

Fair enough.

So I think that's...

I don't really like a boozy pudding.

Put that out there.

Okay, well, we're all different.

I like a boozy pudding.

I'm with you.

I'll do it like that.

Thank you.

I'd rather just have some booze or a pudding.

Yeah.

Or both.

What's your favourite puddings then?

Oh,

just not boozy.

I like ice cream a lot.

I love sorbets.

Yeah.

Oh, I love sorbet.

You're talking about this with a lot more passion than you're doing.

Yeah, suddenly, actually,

fuck off those prunes because we're on sorbet now.

Sorbet.

I'll go sorbet.

I've changed my mind.

Okay, you'd have to change your mind.

Or a citrusy one, without a doubt.

Lemon sorbet.

Well, lemon's a bit root one, isn't it?

So let's mix it up.

What about a grapefruity sort of scenario?

Have you had that ever before in your life?

No.

So this is something you've never had before?

You said this was a fantasy paste.

Oh, it is.

You can have whatever you like.

My coat strapes on the floor.

Yeah.

I mean,

it actually is.

It actually is.

Confuse pretension.

Yeah.

Because I don't want to feel like a wanker.

You're like a grapefruit sorbet.

Yeah, or a watermelon.

I've had that.

You can have a scoop of each if you want.

Yes, please.

Yeah.

Scoop of each.

When you have a scoop of ice cream or sorbet, do you go cone or cup?

I go cup every time.

Yeah, I'm going more that way.

I'm just fluffing around with it.

Because I used to think more for your money because I get a little biscuity thing there.

Yeah, sure.

But now I'm...

I'm rejecting that.

I think it makes me feel

more guilt-free.

Here's where it changed, and and it is an extreme example, but once in New Zealand, and it's closed now, there's this ice cream shop.

Yeah.

And they did these deluxe cones.

And on my last day in New Zealand, I was like, I'm going to get a deluxe cone.

Yes.

And I got one that was a sugar cone.

It's one of those big waffle cones,

but dipped in white chocolate, like fully dipped in white chocolate.

It's not guilt-free.

With like loads of stuff, with loads of cocoa nibs stuck on the outside.

Oh, this sounds lovely.

And stuff like that.

And like, the ice cream was pretty indulgent as well and had like loads of toppings on it but by the time i got to the cone i was eating the kind of cone i'm i genuinely was scared that i was gonna uh no disrespect ed that i was gonna get type two diabetes and uh i was really scared about it and i genuinely when i got home from that holiday

I've done it about three or four times in my life.

I've gone to the doctors and asked for a blood test because

I think I've got type two.

Just

brief bit of science.

I don't think you can get type two diabetes from eating one pudding.

Do not.

Google that.

I felt really scared about it.

I felt really scared at the time.

I mean, now I know that.

That is interesting.

I don't go to the doctors now and ask for blood tests and stuff.

There was a time.

I was broke him.

One pudding that made you feel that.

I think I had like an unhealthy enough holiday.

Yeah, you were full.

You were full.

You were full, is what happened.

And you went to get a blood test because you were full.

Well, Ed, I don't think you can lecture me about this.

I mean, one of us has avoided getting diabetes.

I'm not being diabetic, it's not lifestyle influence.

How would you know?

I wouldn't blunder into that, but I would blunder into that in the form of a salty indulgence.

Like, I lean way more towards savoury.

Yeah, so I would gorge on a savies, like, a pickle.

I'd go cheese and pickle.

You'd go nuts for a pickle, right?

Oh, I'd have a cheese and pickle situation.

Yeah.

Cheese board, I'd even go a cheese board.

Uh-oh, no, you see.

James gets very angry if.

We're about to wrap the podcast up, but now we're in very dangerous territory.

But I didn't choose it, did I?

No, no, you didn't choose it.

He's still angry, though.

I'm sorry.

You're angry that I even mentioned it.

Yesterday, when me, Ed and Benito went for our dinner, right?

Here's what happened, Kerry.

Okay.

We've had Tom Kerridge on this podcast.

Excellent chef.

Yep.

He invited us to his restaurant.

It was a very special meal for all of us.

We all went there, came to the dessert.

The dessert menu...

It's like pornographic.

If you like pudding.

Heaven.

Every single dessert, every single sweet pud looked incredible.

He

you got a cheeseboard.

Order the cheese board.

Did you do it to wind him up?

I'd say.

Still angry about it.

I couldn't believe it.

I thought he was joking.

I was going to.

I threatened him beforehand.

He said he was going to throw me into Trafalgar Square.

We were near enough, but also far enough from Trafalgar Square for that to be a scary threat.

So throw him.

No, just respect.

But it isn't a scary threat because it is just not realistic.

Throw him into Trafalgar Square.

I don't think so.

I'm one of the strong people.

I'm just being patronising.

I don't think so.

We both grab an ankle and a wrist each, me and Benito.

And, like, Benito wasn't angry.

Benito didn't care.

He would have done it anyway.

He's cool.

He would have thrown you into Trafalgar Square.

What is that anti-cheese board?

Oh, so anti-cheese cheese.

I'd say I ordered it 60% because I wanted it and 40% because I wanted this reaction.

Excellent ratio.

Yeah, God.

Like, it was absolutely delicious.

Here's how good it is.

Good for you.

I'm with you.

It's really good.

Because if you're not sweet to me,

not with me.

Because if you're not, because because if you're not sweet too,

then that's not.

I like a pudding now and again, but the thing that appealed...

I didn't, you know, I didn't fancy a banana souffle that day.

I wanted.

That was banana souffle, Kelly, with gingerbread ice cream and a rum sauce, a spiced rum sauce.

That does sound nice, but after you've eaten a big savoury meal, you don't want to be a bad one.

Well, you're more savoury afterwards, like an absolute maniac.

He was mad.

He started saying I was like one of the old men who worked in the bank in Mary Poppins.

Yeah.

Oh, can I just call it a bunch of people?

Oh, Ebenezer screwed on Ebenezer's over there working in the bank and going home and having his little cheese board before he goes to bed.

It's too much.

I'm with you, Ed.

I'm completely with you.

Thank you.

Me and Benito shared three puddings.

That's how angry I was at Ed.

I had to get enough pudding.

But who are you punishing there, James?

No one.

I had a great time.

Sure, I had a blood test afterwards.

But you're doing it with anger, aren't you?

You're making choices based on anger.

Yeah, well, you have to sometimes.

This is the time we live in.

Could not believe it.

Anyway, I mean, we do it, order back to you.

The blue cheese, especially, was really awful.

Oh, I blood blue.

I love a blue cheese, yeah.

So do I.

The perfect pudding.

Time and the place.

The perfect pudding.

Perfect pudding.

Even

I would even bend my fruit rule because I'd have a bit of fruit with some cheese.

I was going to say earlier when you said that you wouldn't put apple in a salad, I would put apple in the salad if blue cheese is in the salad.

You're absolutely right, Ed.

Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, well, get me back on site now, but not for dessert.

Learn your courses and where things are going.

You'd like sparkling water.

You would like some sourdough bread, maybe homemade with some tapper nard on it.

Yes.

Starter, you want some Thai Tom Yum soup.

Main, you'd like a hearty salad with some spanner copita.

That was thrown in there.

Side dish, Tatsuki and chips.

Drink, vagina, dessert.

Dessert.

I forgot.

I forgot about that.

It says a cold vagina.

That's what I've got written down here.

Yes, please.

Straight from the fridge.

Dessert, you would like a grapefruit sorbet,

a scoop of grapefruit sorbet, and a scoop of watermelon sorbet.

Yes, please.

Do you want some boozy fruit on top of that?

Yeah, go on, chuck it in.

We'll just chuck that on there as well to give you your whole meal.

Happy with that?

Do you know what?

I am really happy with that.

We're quite happy with it.

Sort of holiday food, isn't it?

Yeah.

You could definitely go swimming after that.

Definitely.

Kerry Godleman there with her dream meal.

Yumma yumma.

Now, it got so close just then.

So close.

i thought she was going to pick cheese board and i thought if she's so help me i was getting very worried about it and we even mentioned fruit uh in the having fruit with cheese yeah

i was like this is getting very very close to it dangerously close to fruity cheese but i would have backed her all the way if she picked a cheese board Yeah, but then I would have had to check you both out.

And then as we've established, I never would have been a Free G.

So it would have been quite a sad episode of Off Menu if that had happened.

And it was already a very angry episode of Off Menu.

Kerry really went for me when I challenged her on her use of the word drapesing.

Oh, I'd say the most confrontational guest we've had so far, but not in a bad way.

I enjoyed it.

I loved every second of it.

Are we glad she was confrontational?

Check out where Kerry is

gigging

on her website, I'm sure.

Loads of stuff going on.

She's done

an episode of Call the Midwife.

Has she?

Yeah, yeah.

So watch out for Kerry.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Proper.

Afterlife.

Oh, that's the new Ricky Gervais show.

Yes, yes.

She's in that.

We'll look out for that.

Thank you very much for coming on.

Kerry, if you want to see more of my sort of thing,

I do my thing on stage.

Come and check out my thing, edgamble.co.uk forward slash goods.

Also, I tried that bread that Kerry gave us and it was delicious.

I had it with some soup when I got home.

We're recording this quite a bit later.

Yeah.

And yeah, I had some lovely, lovely bread and soup inspired by her music.

That's what you're plugging, is it?

Yeah, I had it.

So I'm plugging my tour, my gigs, and you're plugging Kerry's bread.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

You get get a chance, try it.

It's delicious with soup.

Subscribe and rate the podcast.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you in the restaurant again.

I hope you're hungry.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7 pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.