Ep 25: Loyle Carner

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Have you washed your hands, young man?

Because we're about to listen to the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, Ed.

Hello, James.

How are you doing, mate?

Very good.

I enjoyed that one.

Thank you very much.

This is the Off Menu Podcast, where we interview a special guest about what, James.

We ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side, and drink.

And this week's guest is Loyal Carner, who is a rapper of much repute and also has a few connections with food.

He set up a school, a cookery school for teenagers with ADHD,

which is a great idea and really cool.

And also on his album, he's got a couple of food-based tracks.

He's got a song called Otolenghi,

and he's got a song called Carluccio about Antonio Carluccio.

Wow.

But we have a secret ingredient that if he says it, he is loud on his ear.

Absolutely.

And this week it is those little silver balls on the top of cupcakes.

Yes.

We don't know the exact name for them.

They don't deserve a name.

I hate them.

Those little silver balls.

A cupcake is a delicious thing.

It's such a lovely thing to have, such a little treat.

Yeah.

And when they come out, and there's just some butter icing, and then on top is those little silver hard balls.

So hard.

What the?

Who's eating that?

Who's enjoying that they're like shot yeah i don't know if you this is a posh observation but it's like when you're eating some pheasant and there's still a bit of shot left in it okay well that is the poshest thing i've ever heard you say

years of being your friend i've never been all right i can't even begin to relate to what you just said ed okay i'll do it but more more for the for the common folk it's like when you're eating a grouse and there's a bit of shot in there

partridge ed no no one's ever had anything with shot in it that's the thing that's what you've got to understand there Right, okay.

But that's the way they shoot pheasant is with like with a gun and all the shot all splits up, so they can't get rid of little bits.

Yeah, you're now trying to distance yourself by saying the way they shoot pheasants.

The way I shoot pheasant.

Yep.

And yeah, it feels just hard, hard little, hard little ball.

Yeah, okay, hard little ball.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, if he says that, if he brings up cupcakes, I'm asking what the topping is.

Yeah.

And if he says those little silver hard balls,

oh, goodbye.

Hopefully, he will not say that.

Yeah, if he does say it, it's dessert anyway, innit?

He's basically got his whole, he put his order in.

Yeah.

But kicked out right at the end.

Yeah, unless if he starts off with a bowl of these, Lord Carno, anyway, could do whatever he wants.

Instead of bread or popadoms.

Yeah, problems with bread.

Actually, guys, I'd like a little bowl of those hard silver balls that come on top of cupcakes.

Yeah.

Oh, get out.

What an awful idea.

Goodbye.

Oh, quick peek into Freebie Corner because we get sent some free food and drink quite often from companies who really want to shout out on the pod.

And you know what?

We are easy.

Much obliged.

Much obliged, thank you.

We've been sent some sparkling elderflower wine from Renegade and Longton.

Lovely purple label.

I like the look of the purple label.

Yeah, and it's in a sort of champagne bottle.

So that's that seems like it's going to be nice.

Can't wait to tuck into that.

Lovely summer drink.

There's number one batch on it.

Yes.

Also, who likes beer?

We love it.

Hello.

Oh, I've got my hand up.

We love beer.

We've been sent some reunion beer.

We've been sent a sort of variety of cans.

And you know what?

I don't judge a book by its cover, but I judge a beer by its can.

And the cans are very well designed.

I like the name as well.

Yeah.

Reunion beer is a nice, that's a nice positive name.

It makes you feel good, doesn't it?

Yeah, it makes me feel nice and warm inside.

Yes.

And also, this is the weirdest thing we've ever been sent.

We've been sent giant A4-sized marshmallows with pictures of our faces on, James.

Yep, cease and desist.

Firebox, the gift website Firebox, are clearly offering this as a service.

Now you can personalize a massive marshmallow.

So we've been sent sort of publicity shots from our posters, which have similar coloured backgrounds, I notice.

But what we've decided to do, I don't think they're expecting this, we're taking each other's faces.

Yep.

I genuinely feel less creeped out eating a marshmallow with your face on it than one with my own face on it.

So I've just switched deals home and I'm going to practice kissing it.

Oh, great.

I've got a little hole in the mouth.

I'm going to snog that marshmallow.

Win-win for me.

So thanks for sending that.

Yeah.

If it's a voodoo marshmallow, I'm going to feel all that.

Oh, good luck.

The positive side of voodoo.

Yeah.

But you can get anything put on the marshmallow, I think.

Right.

You don't have to, you know, for the listeners thinking, oh, I don't know.

Do I get James or Ed?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to get just us.

Anything on there?

Photocopy your own butt.

Send that in.

Yeah, photocopy your own butt.

Lovely stuff.

Thank you.

But we're excited about this one.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the off menu of Loyal Carnot.

Loyal Carner.

We're here with Loyal Carner.

How you doing, man?

Yeah, really good.

Thanks for having me.

Oh, here we go.

Welcome, Loyal Carner.

Out of nowhere.

Here he is.

How you doing?

Good, thank you.

Good to see you.

James is a genie in this.

I don't know if.

I think you can see that, can't you?

Yeah, so from the outfit, I can tell.

You can see that I'm a genie.

What's your favourite part of the outfit?

The hat.

Yeah.

Five hats I'm wearing, actually, today.

Take us through the hats.

They're all chefs' hats

from different chefs that have.

Basically, as a genie, you get to kind of like, you know, get people's powers if you touch them.

That's part of the rules of the genie.

I've touched Gordon Ramsey, David Smith,

and

Jamie Oliver.

Yeah.

And

Michael Schaefer.

One more chef.

And

Ali McGregor, who was, he worked at the pub I worked at

when I was a teenager.

It's amazing.

I thought you'd climbed up on Delia Smith there.

Yeah.

Well, I felt like I had.

But then I remembered all the other people I touched and got their chef's hats.

I mean, we interviewed Tom Kerridge.

You could have picked him.

Yeah, but I didn't touch him.

And you were there.

You could call me out on that one.

Yeah.

Didn't touch him.

Didn't touch him.

I don't touch the guests you know that so welcome

i hope not welcome to the dream restaurant you consider yourself a foodie i guess so i don't really like the phrase foodie no one likes it mate no one likes it let me tell you i use it every time i see people's eyes they're like don't you even don't you dare but you know yeah but yeah sadly you're involved in food right i am yeah i've got a cooking school um i cook every day when i'm at home for my missus because she's lazy good man that's it yeah yeah i do i love i love food i don't know why i just it's always been my thing.

What do you get out of, do you get, like, because you started a cooking school?

Yeah.

Was there a reason behind that, like, what you get out of cooking?

Yeah, I mean, I grew up with ADHD, so I was, like, I don't know, when I was younger, I was, like, kind of nuts, and I still am.

But one thing that used to really calm me down was cooking.

And so, you know, when I'm stressed out or things aren't going right, it's kind of the one thing that I can have complete control over.

It's like someone said it's like the closest thing you get to meditation if you can't be bothered to meditate.

Yeah, I get that.

Chopping up, I used to chop up vegetables in the kitchen with Ali McGregor.

McGregor.

And when I'll be chopping up the vegetables, it did make me feel a lot calmer, even though I didn't want to go into work a lot.

I think I'm the opposite.

Yeah.

I think it makes me an angrier person.

Because if anything goes wrong,

I lose my rag.

I've tipped away more in the bin than I've eaten, I think.

Yeah, it gets like that.

Yeah, I do.

I feel like sometimes I waste a lot just out of like hate.

Yeah, I feel that.

Sheer frustration.

What's been the biggest

one that sticks in your mind, the biggest defeat in the kitchen?

I said the other day I was supposed to be making

just really simple.

It's a Gordon Ramsey recipe, right?

And I never follow his recipes.

I can't really care for that guy that much.

Sure.

And so, I mean,

I can imagine he's a nice guy off camera, but

on camera, he's not that nice.

Most people are nicer on camera.

So I think he must be all right.

But that's my thought is because he's horrible on camera.

He must be a nice guy.

Because it's impossible.

I kind of feel like it's impossible to do both.

Anyways, I was making this chicken for my girlfriend.

I was supposed to be.

It was simple.

It's like you just treat it like chicken wings, but with thighs.

You make them crispy in the oven, then you glaze them but she was making a Guinness cake and her Guinness cake took so long that I couldn't make what I wanted to make so I switched up and tried to make a thing called a chicken adobo you know that is like a philip

a dish from the Philippines right but it just went horribly wrong and this there was loads of oil in it and then the oil got into the sauce and then it was kind of greasy and oh my god the skin was really like like squidgy and not crispy just like soggy it sucked did you then

and you can say this it doesn't mean it's a safe space yeah did you resent the Guinness cake afterwards?

And then, when you ate it, were like the worst part about it how good this is about my chicken.

It was so good that I was even more angry.

Because if it had been average, I'd have been like, We both had a bad time.

And she said it, she was like, Oh, we both had such a difficult dinner, haven't we?

Today, and I was like, No, you haven't, because yours is great,

mine isn't great.

You just won an award for this Guinness cake, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My chicken wings are all soggy.

Your home life sounds absolutely idyllic, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good.

We do it both cooking every night, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, I would say that she's listening, she'll know that it's not that jacket.

Um, yeah, we cook.

I try, I try and cook.

She's she's a teacher, right?

So, she

is busy all day and gets back at like six.

So, if she's up for it, then she'll help out, or she'll make something else like the starter or the dessert.

And I tend to do the main course, but yeah, we cook most days together, which is nice, right?

It's important, yeah.

Well, that is important, but not many people do it.

But for me, I don't think I know many couples where like they're cooking different courses each, and both in the kitchen, doing the different course.

One of them's getting in the way of the other because they've got the other oven for their Guinness cake.

That's quite

because most couples secretly hate each other, man.

That's right.

Most couples have been making cakes with the ice, you know,

iced all their complaints into the top of the Guinness cake.

Is that most couples, is it?

Yeah.

Most couples will ice their complaints into the top of the cake.

That's what I do.

Everybody show a bin in.

I'll just like

order a cake with all my complaints written on it.

Eat too loudly.

Yeah.

I'm creating more problems for myself if I'm giving them a cake though, aren't I?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

I mean, eat that real loud.

Can we start you off with some water?

Still or sparkling in the restaurant?

Sparkling, please.

Are you always a sparkling one?

Yeah, that's pretty quick.

Yeah, always.

I don't know why.

I really am.

I think it's the least popular choice, I think.

Most people just go still.

I think a lot of people are like, I don't want to

say bubbles.

Do you think it's scared of the bubbles?

And maybe because it takes more time to get, because some people don't want it, so you've got to crack a fresh bowl when you go to the bottom of the fridge downstairs.

Oh, really?

I don't know.

It's like a special fridge downstairs.

Maybe, like, maybe.

Yeah, I don't know.

A special bubble fridge.

You've got to put the bubbles in to order.

I found lately that if I'm in a hotel or something, and they always give you like a bottle of still, a bottle of sparkling water, it's in the hotel for free.

And if I wake up in the morning and my mouth, you know, when you wake up and your mouth just feels like crap, it was horrible.

I love drinking the sparkling water and all the bubbles go over my dirty mouth.

It's almost sexual the way you said that.

Well, it says, it feels a bit sexual.

But it's like, you know, you know, those dishwasher adverts where they show the animation

of all the bubbles going into the grime and getting all the grime in the dishwasher?

That's what I feel like is going on in my mouth.

Do you like swirl it around?

Do you grim it?

Yeah, I swill it around.

I give it up.

But I managed to let the bubbles just fizz over my teeth.

I can feel it all in all the gaps in my teeth and stuff like that, getting all my all my receded gums.

How grimy is your mouth in the morning?

Oh, it's grimy, man.

What are you doing the night before to get it like that?

I don't know, just staying up and laughing.

You know?

But like that takes a lot out of you.

Yeah.

Just by yourself having a laugh.

Yeah, just laughing, staying in the hotel room having a laugh.

Enjoying the fact that I've got a room to myself.

Sometimes I can't believe it.

I had a horrible horrible experience with some sparkling water recently.

When I make a coffee, I can't handle like hot liquids, really.

So I always put some cold water on the top to cool it down.

And I went to get a bottle of water to pour some cold water on.

I picked sparkling by accident, so I ended up having a fizzy coffee.

Who were you, John Dommit?

Was it good, though?

I mean,

it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Because they've started doing that people were telling me they've started doing like uh espresso with tonic water on it is like a new trendy thing yeah i'd get done with that if i i don't drink coffee but if i if i did i reckon that's how maybe with a hot chocolate i don't drink coffee either yeah cool i feel like i'm kind of nuts enough already really about it yeah i've had it a few times in my life and it's always just set me over the edge doesn't agree i feel like i live like on a in like a constant state of having just had a coffee right so if i was doing something yeah yeah so if i had a coffee i don't know i don't think it'd be safe for other people Sure.

For me, it'd be fine.

You've got to be responsible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Would you ever have a mic before a show?

If it's a big show, you'd be like, I just don't know.

No, because

I just wouldn't stop talking.

I wouldn't play any songs.

I'd just be like, yeah, so what have you guys been up to?

This is what I've been up to.

This is what I'm wearing.

Yeah, I could have done it.

But you don't drink it either.

Why don't you drink it?

I just gave it up because

I was bored.

I don't really have any, like...

I don't do like, I don't smoke or do any drugs or anything like that.

And one day I was like, I'm just going to give up caffeine because I've got nothing to give up.

So I might as well give up up something um and I actually I gave up by accident first of all when it's just that we ran out of tea bags in the house I didn't really drink coffee that much anyway and then I realized it had been a month and I'd just been drinking herbal teas yeah yeah yeah so I was like oh might as well commit to it there you go do it properly there's caffeine in green tea though so you've got yeah I'll steer clear of that

actually a lot of herbal teas now I steer clear of them because they still have stuff in them that stain your teeth and stuff and that was actually one of the main reasons as well I was like well I was drinking so much tea all the time I was staining my teeth up a treat

so at no point, then replace it with peppermint tea, staining it with something else.

You've since taken up heroin quite heavily, though, haven't you?

Yeah, just for something to give up.

I'm going to give it up one day.

Yeah.

And I'll give it up whenever I want, by the way.

I want to make that clear.

There you go.

Popped up and to our bread.

Pop it up and to our bread, Loyal Can't I?

Pop a dumbs.

Poppad arms.

Yeah.

I like a pop-a-dum man.

Can we just say, I think Loyal goes straight into the top three if people absolutely taking that in his stride.

Yeah, absolutely.

Didn't care.

Did not budge one inch.

Not the funny shouted that.

My girlfriend shouts that me much.

Different people live different lives.

Good on you.

Thanks.

Also,

not many people choose poppadoms, and I like it when they do.

Yeah.

Because you've got everything else, the raita, the mango chutney, the onions, all the things that you need with it.

So

is that what you would want with it?

Yeah, if I could get that.

Oh, absolutely.

Mango chutneys.

Usually I'll just go for, basically, you know, when in in any Indian restaurant, they kind of have different takes on the condiments you get with poppadons.

And I just put everything that I get on it.

Except for the, like, the lime pickle, because that's nasty.

That's the only thing I find really, truly nasty.

Last time I was in an Indian restaurant, me and my friend were there.

Couldn't stop eating the lime pickle while also agreeing with you that it was nasty.

It's disgusting.

But it is weirdly addictive.

It is kind of weirdly addictive because it tastes like a cheap sweet or like a cheap lollipop.

And it's weirdly, it's chewy, but also not chewy.

Yeah, which is worrying.

Your teeth go straight through it.

It's not a texture I recognize from anywhere no no no it just makes no sense yeah yeah it's so weird and i just kept on going back in kept on digging in having some more and then going this is awful isn't it yeah that's great isn't it give me some more of that

how many do you put on one poplar on things because i probably would put maximum of two dips on a single pop i put all four depending on how spicy the chili one is go onions first for a nice bed yeah then some of the raw eater like the yogurty dip then the mango chutney on top of that because that's the thing you want to taste first oh you want the sweetness first and then if i'm brave enough i'll go for for the chili.

But that's only if I'm with my missus.

I'm trying to flex.

I'm trying to flex.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's not that spicy or whatever.

How long have you been with your partner?

Like two years?

And you're still trying to flex by eating spicy food?

I'll always be trying to flex, I feel like.

Yeah.

Never let that die.

She eats really spicy food, so.

Does she?

Yeah, yeah.

But she can't handle it.

I think it's the same in fur.

We just never really have had that conversation.

We should listen to this and then we'll have that conversation.

Yeah.

I'm so glad.

I've been that with my partner for nine years.

I think

I've stopped trying to flex now.

Yeah.

I don't think she'd be impressed if I ate a spicy, spicy poppa dumb.

Yes.

Oh, I've been a mounded and his partner and believe me, the spark has long since died.

Also, I get quite bad hiccups.

So if I try and if it's spicy, if I try and eat something spicy and I'll just get hiccups instead of and then that ruins your whole evening.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

You can't flex with the hiccups.

You can't flex with the hypocrite.

Oh, you'd be surprised, actually.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

That's pretty cool.

Maybe I've seen someone look cool with having the hiccups.

I feel like I've had hiccups before.

It's like a famous thing that you get if you're playing a show.

All like rapper friends that I have, right?

Yeah.

They all talk about this thing.

When you start to play a show, it's either you, as soon as you start, I know it might be the same for you.

If you step out on stage, do you get like a burp or like a hiccup that just gets trapped just before you start to speak?

Sometimes I'll have a drink of water during the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I feel like I'm going to burp

afterwards.

You can't imagine that.

I'm trying to think of all the famous rappers hiccuping.

It really makes me laugh.

He might snoop with the hiccups.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'd probably be the body could get away with it the most.

Yeah, he could probably do it the most.

He'd be all right.

Can't imagine Skeptic with the hiccups.

No.

You sound like a really specific impressionist right now.

Like, imagine the skeptic.

But it's only rappers of hiccups.

That's all I do.

Yeah.

MCs who ask him have the hiccups.

I'd pay to see it.

Yeah, that'd be quite a good impression.

I want to get bored of watching that if someone could do that with me.

We could ask Josh Berry, friend of the podcast, to do an impression of that.

There's a guy called Josh Berry who does an impression of me.

Yeah, it's a very good impression.

Have you had him on the show?

No, we're

doing it.

It'd just be like you and you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would be a nightmare for me, to be honest.

One of my little brothers sounds just like you, actually.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like spot on.

Kid called Ben.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he's really cool.

He's kind of annoying, but he's also really cool.

Sounds like he is exactly like me.

Oh, yeah.

Annoyingly cool.

That's not what he said.

That's what I heard.

That's what you took, but that's not what I said.

Annoyingly cool.

Thank you very much.

We come to your starter.

Exciting.

We're getting to the nitty-gritty now, the big menu choices.

Is it from a specific place this starter?

Yeah.

I'll go for it.

The ocean.

The specific ocean.

Yeah, the specific ocean.

That was quite good.

Thank you.

Don't follow up my humour by saying it's quite good.

very patronizing jake well i don't know we have we've had words that i've said to improve on the podcast that's very good actually

uh

i'll just have crispy squid crispy squid now this is like who was it tom kerridge said

yeah it kind of is uh why why for you because you can tell well one you can tell a good place if it's good by a squid you know and it could be anything italian food or if you go to a chinese restaurant japanese restaurant you know tapas

they all do a variation of squid.

So, yeah, that's kind of what I go to.

Also, because

you know, it's kind of almost guilt-free because squids apparently don't have much brains.

Yes, that's true.

I've heard, yeah.

I also watched the guy chop a squid up with scissors while it was alive, and so for a long time, I couldn't eat it.

So, I only just got back into being able to feel comfortable around squid again.

What was the context of that?

There's a guy called um, I was just hanging out with this guy, and he was like, John C.

So, Matt, man.

No,

I was watching the program.

This guy called, I can't remember his name, it's like something Nguen, Philip, he's like an Australian

Filipino guy, like does a cooking show.

And he just goes, the best time to eat a squid is when it's fresh.

And so he just puts his hand into the ocean and pulls out a squid and then just cuts it.

And our mouth was wide for a long time.

I'm still, I still, now thinking about it, I don't know if I could eat it again, but I would still put it on my menu because it's my favorite thing.

And but you feel more comfortable with a squid because you know it's got no brains.

Well, I just feel less evil eating it because it doesn't feel as much because it's thick.

Sure.

Yeah.

That's fair enough.

See that bit of an old boy when he puts a octopus in the whole lot.

I was trying to watch that the other day.

But I haven't watched it since I was really young.

But yeah, it's weird.

It says on the disclaimer on that film, right?

The only thing that was harmed in the making of this film was one octopus.

Yeah.

It's cool that it was one take, though.

Because there are going to be like five octopuses.

Yeah, there's like five other octopuses sat by the counter.

Please get it in one take.

Get it in one take.

Oh, no.

The thing is, like, even though we all talk about that, everyone who's seen knows that it's the real, he did it for real.

But, like, if I was on the crew

and, you know, we've got the budget to not do it for real, and the guy's like, no, I'm going to do it.

I'll be like, mate, you don't have to do that.

You don't actually have to bite an octopus

for the thing.

And for him to insist on doing it,

it doesn't really add much to the character.

You can just, you don't have to really bite the octopus.

He's got the part anyway, right?

Yeah.

He insists on doing it anyway.

Do it in the audition.

And it is the whole thing as well.

It's not not just like, that's what's so...

It is horrible.

It really is horrible because this is the big thing, because octopus, I don't eat octopus.

Because octopus live to the, like they have like a mental capacity of like a four-year-old.

Right.

So the way they function is actually like a four-year-old human being, right?

Right.

But so the thought of this octopus being eaten on camera, knowing that it's being obviously knows it's drumming, but it's like you can see it freaking out.

Yeah.

It's the weirdest thing.

It's just kind of weird that that guy would do it.

I've had it when we were in Japan, though, we have a few conversations about food and the way that the guys I was chatting to in the culture, culture he was talking to me about, he said that the way that they look at food, animals, is in a completely different way to how like a Westerner looks, you know, there's kind of no sentimental attachment to it at all.

It's just like, it's just food.

Right.

If it gets hurt, that's just it, you know.

We went to a market where they keep all of the various seafood or whatever is just in buckets.

Right.

All like on top of each other and then you just pull one out and kill it.

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's a bit much.

The four-year-old thing's really got me.

Yeah, yeah.

You won't eat it anymore.

I bet you won't eat it anymore.

Yeah, because I never thought about that before.

I've never known what the mental capacity of different animals are.

And to know that it's like a four-year-old.

I've got a four-year-old nephew.

Yeah.

It's like eating him.

Yeah.

It's exactly like that.

Yeah, on and on.

Oh, God.

Annoyed you showed him old boy now, aren't you?

Yeah.

He loved that bit.

As well.

I should have told him that.

That's basically you, mate.

That'll be you one day.

Yeah, that's going to be you for you.

But we don't have any octopus on your menu.

It's crispy squid.

Yes.

Because they're idiots.

Because they're fools.

Absolute dunces.

Absolute dunces, a lot of them.

Is there any way you've had a particularly good crispy squid?

Yeah, a few.

When we were in Japan, actually,

I had really good Krispy Squid.

But it tasted like.

Do you remember that?

It tasted like ribbon saucy knickknacks.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So it wasn't what that's not the best I've ever had, but it was one that really blew my mind.

Yeah.

And it looked like knickknacks as well.

Did you tell the chef?

Did you tell the chef?

Yeah, I said, have you ever had knickknacks?

Yeah.

Come on, see the chef.

You have captured the spirit of knickknacks.

I have a bag of crisps.

Can't eat them.

Can't eat eat knickknacks.

Why?

When I was a kid, I was at a party and they had lemon and scampy knickknacks there.

And I thought they were delicious.

I couldn't stop eating them.

And then I was so sick and they tasted so disgusting coming out.

And I've just never been able to eat knickknacks again.

It was the grossest sick that's ever come out.

They're a very acidic crisp.

It's quite a particular crisp as well.

To eat a lot of.

Yeah, I really went crazy for it.

I guess because they're really salty, the lemon and scampy.

They really went for it.

It's weird to have that at a party, isn't it?

Yeah.

As the crisp of choice.

It was in a bungalow.

there's such small

i remember that as well makes sense i vividly remember it was in the bungalow it's quite a bungalow crisp actually

yeah

were you were you sick at the party yeah so in the toilet which was on obviously on the same floor as the party yeah but which you think would make it easier but it's not because actually you know the layout of a bungalow when you're like a little kid i was like six or whatever yeah it's that you're not as familiar with where everything is because like you know i was used to two floors and the bathroom was probably upstairs on the left, and like, yeah, and it's easy.

And now I was like, I've got a maze to run through to find where to be sick.

So it was actually really quite distressing.

But the rib ones are probably quite nice, but I've never even tried the rib ones, it just won't go near Nick.

I mean, it's completely different.

You should give it a go.

Because it's not, it wouldn't, I don't think it.

It's the same intense intensity of flavour, but a different flavour.

It wouldn't, it wouldn't bring back the same memories.

No, I think you'd be all right.

I wouldn't eat as many of them either.

I've got more self-control now.

No, just a bag.

Yeah, yeah.

The only thing I like loads of is heroin now.

That's the only thing that I would

binge on.

It is a binge, isn't it?

You get a big bag of it and you just binge it.

Yeah, you watch a box set and just go through a whole bag of heroin.

Yeah, yeah, but knickknacks is fine.

I can have one bag and leave it.

When I was younger, I couldn't eat a whole bag of crisps.

You couldn't eat a whole bag of crisps.

That was like how I defined growing up, was when I could finally eat a whole bag of crisps.

You remember how old you were when you were probably ate up?

Yeah, it was like last week.

No, I don't know.

When I was like 10 or something, I remember finally eating my first pack of like Walker's Crisps and going

big boy now yeah yeah big boy you got it yeah do you know what flavor it was uh your barbecue weirdly enough yeah which is you know forgotten flavor man and that's like a pretty full-on flavor it's not it's not like your first full pack was ready salted and you were you were straight in with the big boy yeah you know that's not a bungalow chris no yeah that's not a bungalow

yeah that is a penthouse chris yeah you're getting a lift one getting a lift to finish that finish that clip on the top floor are you squeezing lemon onto the crispy squid yeah if it's there Yeah, it's there.

This is the dream restaurant.

I mean, you know, if it's in, if I could have the best way, it'd be like in a Chinese restaurant.

Kind of, kind of nasty.

It has MSG in it, but I haven't been told it, so I don't feel guilty about it.

Super crispy.

Weird garlic and spring onion chili bits on top of it.

That's what I like.

On a bed of like lettuce.

Like crispy garlic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

S.

You can have some if you want to.

So good.

The first time you have that.

Yeah, mind-blowing.

Yeah, it's great.

Complete game changer.

Because at first you just leave it and then you go, Oh, actually, what's oh, yeah, it's almost better than the actual squid.

Yeah, I didn't even need garlic the first time I had it.

What did you think it was?

I was some little crispy bits on the thing.

Knickknacks.

Yeah.

Crumbled up knickknacks.

I'm gonna put some knickknacks on my squid.

Yeah, delicious.

I got it at

Starbar.

It's in Chinatown.

Yeah.

Might have been called Star Bar or something.

Starbar?

It's got the word star in it.

All right, okay.

Well, they that's where I first had it.

I was in my 20s.

You'd already eaten a full packet of crisp by then.

Yeah.

That was well I was.

I only just get into the crispy garlic.

When you had your first full bag of crisp, did you tip the crumbs in, or was that a few years later?

No, that was like...

I think I actually probably just didn't even understand that.

Maybe you tried to put it in my hand and they kept falling my fingers.

Or I just threw them away because I wasn't understanding.

Because the depth of flavour is really in that bottom bit.

As you grow, that's what you really understand.

Sometimes it's too salty, but that's when I really like it.

Like in plain nachos, just salted, not like plain tortilla chips.

Yeah.

The saltiness at the bottom.

It's basically just like a little thimble of salt.

It's my favourite.

Would you order that if it was available as an option in a restaurant, just a little thimble full of the nacho residue?

Yeah, yeah.

I use a lot of salt in restaurants.

I've got a big issue with it.

Oh, well, the salt's the flavour, really.

Yeah, yeah.

Love salt.

The enhancer.

When you didn't,

I hate to come back to it, but I think our listeners will have a lot more questions if we don't ask you them.

Back in the day when you didn't finish a whole bag of crisps,

how much would you leave in it on average?

how much and i have another follow-up question we're looking at like a third like a half to a third half to a third and then because i was always just be like wow these there's so many crisps in here how am i going to get through all these crisps yeah and then i would just but what's great about it is i say if that's at lunchtime i'd eat half then i'll have other half on the way home Oh, so you will eventually finish them, but you did it in shifts.

Yeah, I had to.

I couldn't just eat it in one go.

Whereas now, you know, I pick it up and it's just gone.

You can do a whole bunch of stuff.

Because my question was going to be, who were the rest of the crisps going to?

Well, I mean, my mum would probably take them.

If If I was out on the weekend, my mum would have them.

Yeah.

And she sometimes she'd be like, oh, you've had a lot of those crisps already.

So maybe she was kind of the reason she was putting it into my head that I didn't need to finish them.

Yeah.

Maybe I could have kept actually going.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I didn't.

She was, yeah.

Oh, you're going to finish those.

You don't need to finish those.

You're right, I don't.

Was it the day you left?

The day you left home, you're like, yeah, leaving home with all your suitcases, and then you sort of have a crisp.

And then you're like, hang on, no one's doing it.

I've had a lot of crisps with me.

Did you shout that?

No, I just said, fuck off, mum.

Ruined my crisp eating experience.

Yeah, that's one way, isn't it?

Essentially, yeah.

You open the fridge, there's nothing there.

So, what's it gonna be?

Greasy pizza, sad drive-through burgers?

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We come to your main course.

You've offered a promising start.

I don't think many people would argue with Crispy Squid.

And your reasoning was very good.

We're excited about your main course.

My main course isn't that exciting, though.

It's like, well, it's got to be exciting.

This is your dream meal.

Okay, so but my dream meal would kind of in the main course would kind of fall into like Italian

main course, right?

But it kind of gets broken up, so I'd have to have them all together.

It could be like tuna steak

or some cod cheeks, whichever is easier to get, on some lentils.

Uh-huh.

And then alongside that, spaghetti, aglio, e oleo.

That's what I'd have.

Wow.

That's hard.

That's like as a mange.

I mean, you've got your carba and your protein.

So your main is like two meals smushed together.

You want me to cut two meals in half and put them together.

Basically, yeah.

What's the name of the new dish?

Tuna agliolio.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Spaguna.

Spaguna.

Also, coincidence.

Yes.

That's Ed's middle name.

Is it really?

Isn't it Ed?

Yeah, it is, absolutely.

Ed, tuna aglioola.

Tuna aguilera.

Tuna aguilera.

That's what we'll go with.

Yeah.

Spagatuna aguilera.

Nice.

Yeah, that's great.

What's your middle name?

My middle name is Lemon Scumpy Nitnex.

So,

now,

how are you going to eat this dish?

You've essentially invented yourself.

It's not the first time we've had people invent a name.

Sure.

I'm seeing it more like

a buffet situation.

So

there was an Italian buffet and you've selected your components that you want from that buffet.

I'd actually would like it to come out one by one and I'd like it to be presented in quite a like a regal manner.

Perfect.

I don't think anyone's talked about how they want to have their meal presented to them yet, have they?

Yes.

Although the more you describe how you want it presented to you, the more it's sounding like two main courses.

Well, I mean, you know, I had this big thing.

Whenever I've been to Italy, I have the same situation because I can never do it.

I don't understand how it's supposed to work, but you're supposed to get them, they say you're supposed to get them one by one.

But I'd like them just next to each other.

Well, how I'd really want them is like two in the middle, plate for me, plate for whoever I'm with, probably

a girlfriend or Tommo, or just two plates for myself.

And then I just for the listener, do you want to say who Tommo is?

Tommo is my good friend that manager.

He's sat here having a time of his life.

Having a good time talking about him.

Tomo talking.

He's laughing a lot.

Yeah, he is laughing a lot, actually.

Tomo's on top of the recordings.

But yeah, that's how I'd have it.

Those two together, and I could add them.

And also, you'd need like another side, but maybe I'll get to that.

Oh, we'll get to the side.

Don't you worry.

We'll get to it.

Don't worry.

Was there a situation where you just couldn't choose between the two?

Yeah,

yeah, for sure.

Well, just they both don't do enough for me, do you know what I mean?

On their own, yeah, it's like, well, spaghetti with essentially nothing is not enough of a main, but then tuna with essentially no carbs is also

nothing

for me.

I need both of them to feel satisfied.

I think that's fair, I think that's all right.

You sure?

Yeah, I'd tell the rule books.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we'd just throw the rule book out the window if it's not

sick.

The tuna steak,

how is it cooked?

How are you cooking it?

Pink, yeah, yeah, just how kind of

however, but I guess medium feels kind of weird when people ask you about tuna steak in a restaurant.

You're like, medium or whatever, just it just should never be cooked all the way through.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Because it goes dry.

I made a tuna steak the other night.

Yeah, good.

And it was amazing.

Yeah.

And while I was eating it, I said out loud to my girlfriend, a really good tuna steak is, for me, almost as good as beef.

And I honestly thought she nearly started packing a suitcase.

The spark is dead.

I cannot emphasise that enough.

I cannot

emphasise that enough.

Absolutely sparklers, that relationship.

It is true, though.

It is true.

I'm worried about my own relationship now because I've definitely also said that.

But it is true.

It's better almost.

It is amazing.

And I cooked it.

It was pretty rare, actually.

Yes.

I was quite happy with that.

Gotta be.

Like,

that's one of the things I don't

do as much now, but I used to cook myself a tuna steak on a weekly basis.

Yeah, the same.

Because it's so easy.

Was it like a minute on each side?

If If that, what do you put on it if you make it?

I just do salt and pepper and oregano.

That's it.

Nice.

How come it's oregano?

Was it just because that's what you had in the middle?

Jimmy Oliver told me to do it.

Nice.

In a cookbook, not directly.

It wasn't on a record that you

reworked backwards.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's all it said in the cookbook: just that's all you need to put.

That's quite a good way to do it.

Mine's kind of complicated.

I started doing this thing.

I had it the other, like about a month ago, in

a corner shop near me, like a deli near me, and they'd have fresh food every day.

And there was this one thing I had recently was kind of essentially was like a tuna steak stew almost with like green peas and whatever and i was like wow this is delicious i had it it was kind of buttery kind of greasy so i tried to remake it so i just fried down some onions then added like all the obvious things like garlic chili um olive oil herbs whatever but then add some peas and butter and a little bit of stock and like turn it make kind of thick turn it off the heat and put the tuna in it and the tuna just cooks from the residual you put lid on it and the tuna tuna just cooks from like the residual heat oh yeah that's good.

That sounds very good.

And you can kind of leave it as long as you want.

You just put it on, leave it on.

Like, I've got induction, which is horrible, but I leave it on that for a minute, so it's still warm, then move it off, and it just cooks through.

I think some listeners are going to be doing that.

Yeah, that sounds very nice.

Just, you know, if you do it, give me credit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to name that recipe now?

So, I can't.

Can you name it for me?

Because I've really struggled with this.

We had this.

I made it the other day for my mum.

She came over and we couldn't.

None of us could think what to call it.

Would you say the tuna is, how is it cooking it?

Is it boiling?

No, it's like, I guess it's like

it's it's it's tuna it's tuna stuna stuna yeah fresh peace tuna yeah yeah fresh peace tuna fresh pea fresh

stuna do you do that a lot where if you eat something at a restaurant you'll try and recreate it yeah no yeah i try and make it try and make it like cleaner because like i i really i don't i'm not vegan i'm not anything like that but i try and stay away from dairy as much as i can because it doesn't really agree with me um i try and stay away from deep frying things so from anything from like i've got this wicked recipe for the kids at a cooking school, which is just baked chicken wings that are gluten-free, but they're so much crisper than your regular chicken wings, but they're not deep-fried.

But yeah, I just try, just see if I can make them healthier because then I can eat them at home and not feel as guilty.

Yeah,

I've noticed that a few times in our chat now is that a lot of your conscience is very present when you're eating.

You've got a lot of guilt hanging around different things.

It has to be.

You're thinking about that a lot.

Has that always been the case?

I think, yeah, well, my mum

was a pescater now.

She just doesn't eat meat at all.

And she used to just drill it into me when I was younger.

Basically, just like what animals are and what they could be if they weren't on your plate, right?

So

yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I mean, you're a professional scuba diver, whatever.

But so when I grew up, you know, I used to eat meat, I always probably will, but it was just about respecting it, getting it from a good place, making sure it's been treated right and whatever.

So, yeah, so I ended up doing that.

And do you teach that at the school as well?

Yeah, yeah, that's like the big thing.

Oh, my missus calling me.

I'll just tell her to go away.

Yeah, I do.

Is that your girlfriend?

No, it's not

a guy called David Stanley.

No, forget it.

No, he's not cool.

It was your girlfriend.

I always talk to her.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll go back to Guinness Cake.

I should have brought you some.

It's actually very good.

I had some on Oscar night this year.

Did you?

My friends throw an Oscar party every year.

And this year they let us all choose the cake and we had to vote on a WhatsApp telling them what cake we wanted.

And the Guinness Cake won.

It was very good, actually.

It's not anyway.

And then goddamn Green Book one

did that ruin the cake for you yeah Ed that film's a piece of shit

I don't know if you've seen it my mum said it was great but I don't know

I don't know little message back to your mum she doesn't know a film

tell your mum to stick to telling people what they shouldn't and shouldn't eat

green book can suck it green book is like one of the fucking family brothers directed he directed dumb and dumber dumb and dumb is a good film but like you know it's better than green book actually.

Yeah.

So how are you doing the lentils?

Lens.

Yeah, we're talking about food.

We got that.

So it's from a book

called Pol Po.

Oh, yeah.

So the original recipe is with cod cheeks, but cod cheeks are kind of hard to come by.

It's cool because it's less waste.

So that's what I use when I can.

But tuna steak is my favourite fish.

But yeah, so the lentils is what you asked.

It's just like soak them, then boil them or like braise them, however you do it.

And then you just make like a really, it's like really simple, I don't know how to explain it, it's like a dressing, really.

It's like

some crondechons,

capers, Dijon mustard, olive oil and some vinegar.

You mix that together.

Really?

And then you just toss, like, like stir that in.

Nice.

And then you just leave that and then you put the fish on top of it.

Sounds really good.

At one point, a cop says Merry Christmas to him.

And you're meant to believe that that means the cop's nice.

At one one point cop pulls him over and you'll be like oh no he's in trouble because the cops pulled him over and the cop just helps him change a tire because he goes he shines a light in the in the car and you're like oh no it's a bad cop and he's like your tire's flat and then he helps him change he goes see you led sir oh and merry christmas you're like what the hell is that what's the message there

so with the spaghetti are there any do you put any like herbs or anything in the spaghetti or is it just the garlic and the olive oil i don't know what's going on

I've got no idea what's happening.

No, you know,

when I watch Best Picture getting out, yeah.

Because I think that's one of the first things I learned how to cook was using like just frying some garlic and putting the spaghetti in.

It's delicious.

It's a move.

It took me a really long time to get it right.

I tried it so many times, and it was always not.

Because you know, when you get it in a restaurant, it's silky.

Yeah.

It's like every individual piece of spaghetti has been like kissed by oil.

Yeah.

And that wasn't the case for me for ages.

And so I watched the video of Gennaro Contaldo doing it, I think.

Okay.

Or Carlicho, maybe.

I don't know.

I think it was Gennaro Contado.

And

it was just so much simple.

It's just loads and loads of oil.

Loads of oil.

That is when you find out that the key to really good restaurant cooking is quite often just loads of oil, loads of butter, and loads of salt.

Yeah, it is.

And any programme I watch is just that.

It's just like, yeah, and have you sorted your onions yet?

It's like, no, just put them in the pan.

It's like, yeah, you want to salt those in pepper and butter.

Yeah.

And then you do it the next time when you put the tomatoes in, then more.

That's awful.

Love it.

Although the worst fry I've ever had was like too much oil, this lady's

BB.

Was it really greasy?

Yeah, it was like a little independent B ⁇ B.

And me and my two friends staying there, we were on tour together.

And the lady was like, I presume you've come here because of our world-famous fry-up?

And we hadn't come because of that.

But we were like, oh, no.

She's like, it's award-winning, the fry-ups here.

You have to have it if you're here.

Okay, and she bought it up about seven times before even breakfast happened.

And then so for breakfast, she went, I don't think I need to ask you, Free, what you want.

I'll guess we want the fry-up you've been telling us about.

And then we had it, and it was the most just like oily,

so much oil.

And then the rest of the day, I felt like my stomach was like a lava lamp.

You could just feel the big, all the oil just like moving around in there.

It was horrible.

Did you get black pudding?

I think there was, but I can't even remember now if there was black pudding on there because all I remember about it really was looking at my two friends.

We were like, How much of this do we have to eat to be polite?

You know what I mean?

When that's that's the main issue.

I think back then, actually, I hadn't dared have black pudding yet.

Eventually, I did and liked it.

It's a good shout.

But for a while,

I wasn't brave enough.

I love black pudding.

I miss it, man.

I don't eat pork for like four years.

That's the one thing I miss.

Obviously, I've missed bacon, but I miss black pudding a lot.

Nice.

My granddad's a Scottish dessert, so I used to have it a lot at home.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And veggie haggis is what I have now.

Oh, yeah, the haggis.

And veggie black pudding, which is actually really good, but you know, it's got no blood in it.

Kind of better.

That is the best bit.

Yeah, pretty much.

The main selling point of the black pudding, yeah.

Yeah, it's blood.

What's the best?

It's all good.

I used to like, I've always eaten black pudding, even when I was quite young, little baby eating black pudding.

I always used to, because kids are normally quite picky.

I always used to, it'd be great to show off by telling your friends that this is blood and you're eating.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is quite cool.

Yeah, that is quite a cool thing, actually.

I never thought about that.

That would have been the way to do it, really, wouldn't it?

And not even really enjoy it, but just kind of go, hey, I've been eating some blood.

I've just been eating some blood.

Been eating blood?

I've been back there eating some blood.

Want to hang out?

So you teased earlier a side dish that goes with this main course.

Is that what your side dish choice is today, or is it the side dish something else?

Yeah, it's not actually that exciting.

It's just

calvolo nero.

Is that how you say it?

Just with like just fried and

like greens.

Yeah, just basically any greens.

Yeah.

Any greens.

No matter what kind of cuisine it is.

So if I go get Asian food and like broccoli with oyster sauce is my favourite.

Oh, yeah.

Or green beans with garlic and spring onion or whatever.

Basically, just any greens on the side, is that my favorite thing?

Is that a taste thing, a balance thing, or is it a guilt thing to make you feel like you've done something healthy?

It's actually a taste thing, it's always been like my one of my favorite things growing up was broccoli.

I've always just really liked greens.

I love green beans, and I love broccoli.

Yeah, I love peas, I love edamame, calvaniero, spinach, kale, uh-huh, all the greens.

I don't know why, but when I was younger, because I grew up in a pescatayan house, and so my mum was heavy into being veggie.

She said we didn't eat much fish because it's expensive.

And I used to just have to eat greens all the time, but I never hate it.

I never hate it.

I used to hate it if it was boiled to nothing.

But my mum was kind of, you know, modern back then.

Right.

She was thinking forwards.

She used to fry it and used to just cook it in a wok for like two minutes or a minute.

And it would just be all kind of crispy on the outside and crunchy on the inside.

So

having like good, yeah, good vegetables growing up is like, that's a real good

treat.

It's how you're introduced introduced to them, isn't it?

Yeah, for sure.

I think that's why so many people, because at the cooker school, a lot of the kids hate greens.

And it's because they've all just been put like regular broccoli, not tender stem or anything, just like regular whole broccoli chopped into florets and then just put in water, boiled until there's nothing left.

No flavour, no goodness as well, because all of the goodness is left in the water that you pour away.

Right, yeah.

So they don't even feel any better probably from eating it because it's just

lost all the nutrient, I guess.

That's a shame, isn't it?

That's definitely how I used to cook broccoli for a while.

Yeah, most people do.

Because that's how it's shown to have it at school and restaurant, even in restaurants, it's like that as well.

And also,

I think it's weirdly like part of the media and part of the understanding that kids hate vegetables.

And that influences kids as well.

They're like, well, I guess that's, you know, I hate vegetables.

I was talking about that this morning.

There was a spider in my bath this morning.

Where's this going?

Well, I'm just saying, I got up and

I saw a spider in the bath.

Yeah.

And I just felt, I thought to myself, A, how few times that's actually happened in my life.

Yeah.

I've seen the spider in the bath did you save it I didn't I just left it there chill out it might be there when I get home I just left it there did you have to wait you were showering were you showering and you watched this this is a whole saga this one

let me tell you so

they're sorting out the bathroom and the kitchen and everything in my flat at the minute so I kind of can't basically

have a bath but not a shower okay and today I just had to do a stand-up rinse in the sink oh cool yeah yeah apologies if that's made for an

unpleasant experience doing this podcast.

Actually, I don't know.

I might absolutely reek.

I think that's like the best way to do it.

The stand-up one-eye on the spider in the bath, chilling out.

But

my point is, when you're a little kid, you're told that that's the scariest thing ever.

So, you're told you don't like vegetables as a kid.

You're told that you don't like vegetables.

You're told you're scared of spiders in the bath.

You're also told to wash properly, but you've ignored that.

Yeah, I do whatever I like.

I do whatever I want.

My whole life, I'm just like bucking against all those trends.

I saw the spider in the bath and thought, why were we ever told to be scared of that?

Yeah.

Look at it.

Helpless as well.

Because I really can't get out.

Yeah, it's absolutely screwed, that spider.

You've left him there.

I've left him there all day, try and get out of that little escape room for him.

It is impossible.

We had the same thing happen in our garden, but it was like...

On a much bigger scale in our garden.

Tiger.

No, it was a fox.

Baby fox.

It's happened five times now.

And there's like a litter of baby foxes in our area.

And in our back garden, it's super, it's like closed off so no one can see in or get out.

It's just got really high walls.

And so first, like a couple, like about a month ago, a little fox, we were on the way to Guyana, and I've got loads of security cameras.

Yeah.

And so I got a notification

from one of the cameras saying there's been movement in the back garden.

So I was like, it's a burglar.

And it was just a fox.

And it just couldn't get out.

And so it's happened again and again.

And now

at first we set up like a stepladder for it to climb out.

And it took like an hour for it to figure out how to climb up the ladder and get out.

But now we just let them through the house, so it'll come and we just go, oh, what's up?

Like, follow it with a broom because they're super scared, feed it a little bit.

Can't touch it.

Miss says you can't touch them because if it smells like you, then the mum will reject it.

So you just have to let it go through the house without touching it.

So, you got a pet baby fox now?

Yeah, a few.

Yeah.

Because

they're saying that there's seven different ones, and four have come through the house, and another one we just helped out.

Wow.

The whole fox community now has a real taste for Guinness Cake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

They're very picky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They love it.

They got names?

No, we haven't named them because I wasn't allowed to name them because I actually said if another one, when the first one landed in the garden, we were away, I said, if another one happens, I'm keeping it.

No question.

Yeah, yeah.

And my missus was like, yeah, because she didn't think it'd happen again.

And another one fell.

And there's a video of me on her phone where I go down to

the back garden.

It's got like, it's like big, like big glass windows.

And it's like me with my hand in the window, then it puts its little paw up to my hands.

And I was like, it has to stay.

It has to stay.

She's like, there's no way.

And I was like, let's call it whatever and she's like there's no names no names no nothing

what are you drinking with this meal like a nice that's a nice lager man yeah yeah I like I would I would like to drink some wine but I never I never feel as nice when I drink wine I feel like if I if not a not a pint maybe like um you've been to Australia Australia had a schooner oh yeah yeah which is like for those who don't know like two-thirds of a pint yes

that's that's the right schooner is a pint Schooner goes well with Stooner as well.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

A schooner with a stuna.

You're a stuna and you're a stuna.

But yeah, I just think nice, and not like I drink a lot of different beers now because a lot of my friends are older than me and their taste buds are going.

So they drink all these IPAs and whatever.

And I love them.

But when I'm, say, if you're on holiday and you're eating nice food, this nice weather, nothing beats just a nice, crisp

lager.

Yeah, yeah, really ice cold lager.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, and a fizzy water on the side.

You got that.

You got that.

Just cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got a particular type of lager that is like the best one you've had that you've that you've got in memory for drinking it.

That's what it's about.

When I was in Croatia, I was drinking a beer called Keo, which is that's a nice lager.

Um, like basically any, like whenever I, when because we tour so much, just the lager of the place that we're in.

I don't have not Corona, not Heineken, not, you know, just nothing rubbish.

Maybe like, oh, um, you ever had a big wave?

Oh, yeah.

I think I have had a big wave.

That's just like a golden ale.

That's what I'd have, actually.

That's a good one.

I have had that.

I agree that when you, if you are bored, you've got to have the lag they have yeah for sure there's no point especially when you go so you know you do like the obvious touristy thing of going into like the old town you're eating dinner and there's loads of people eating around you for me it's nothing nicer than just going oh what beer do you have is it on draft and then getting like a stupidly big yeah

viking size pint love it yeah what's the biggest pint you've ever had ed i've had like a stein which is like you know a massive one like probably a two two pointer where were you what was happening i think it was in italy actually weirdly than italy in like a in similar situation like a town square, maybe

raucous.

Yeah, just getting raucous with my mum.

Did she have one as well?

Does she have one as well?

And gamble?

No, that's the sort of thing that arrived for me.

She went, oh, Edward, you're never going to drink all of that.

Oh, sounds like someone else had a party time.

I'm not going to hear that.

But I should make you feel guilty about what you

eat and drink.

So just a nice crisp lager, then.

Yeah, I think so.

Not a massive one.

But when you said you would like a wine,

what do you mean there?

I would.

like whenever we go out for food

what usually happens is i'll order some we have some water and then mr be like oh let's let's get a bottle of wine oh yeah for sure you get a nice peanut and a water

so i get that and i have a sip of it and i go do you know what this is not what i want i want a beer so i get a beer as well then i feel guilty because i've got the bottle of wine then i drink both and then i get another beer now there it sounds like i have a problem old mr guilt has helped you out there yeah yeah having a better night that's the first time that's the first time the guilt the food guilt has helped me out yeah yeah but the wine gives me gives me a headache, so I just have a little bit to feel like I'm part of.

I don't want to put a whole bottle on.

Do you believe in

beer then wine feeling fine, wine then beer, old deer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that it's usually like I have a sip and go, I better save that till later.

Yeah.

Have a few beers and then

about 10.

Because you are a rapper, do you feel like you have to agree with everything that rhymes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

Because if someone posts you with a rhyme like that, you have to believe it.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Oh, that was just me saying the rhyme, by the way.

I wasn't trying to start a battle.

No, no, that's cool, that's cool, it's cool.

If you do want to battle it anytime, you can, it's fine, but that's the only rhyme I know.

So, whatever you say to me, I'll just say, why and then beat it.

And those other rhymes?

You know, you know, whoever smelled it dealt it.

Yeah, that's a big one.

That's one of the few that I don't, that's one of the only rhymes that I don't believe in.

Yeah, yeah, that, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, because it's rubbish, right?

Yeah, well, it's just when you.

No one has ever farted and then gone, oh, who did that?

And then drawn attention to it.

No one's ever done that.

It's never the moment.

That would be such a stupid move.

Yeah,

yeah.

You obviously did that.

You did it.

But then also, what is equally stupid is whoever did the rhyme did the crime.

Because you just did a rhyme.

So what the hell is that?

It should be whoever did the rhyme did a fart.

And then it's like, okay, yeah, good point.

Because I can see you're not rhyming.

But I did rhyme a minute ago and I said, whoever smelt it dealt it.

That would be a great.

I'd love to go and do a rat battle one day and just do those rhymes back.

Just do those.

Yeah, just point at them.

Yeah.

I might just go to the rap battle and not even do a point at them and say, you've this guy farted.

I just say that every time.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you too.

Yeah.

That was true.

You really are

like a battle rapper.

Yeah, right.

I don't want to get into it.

We all feel like

a bit on edge.

We're in the crossfight.

Eight mile.

That would be a better version of eight Have you done rap battles before?

Only with friends.

I used to be friends before I beat them.

Yeah.

I destroyed them.

No,

when I was much younger, when I was in primary school, that used to happen every lunchtime.

Oh, cool.

But that was just obviously stupid stuff.

No, I haven't.

Me and my friend talked about doing it together

as a double act.

But I don't know.

As soon as you start making any sort of noise about what you're doing, you have, I don't know, too much to lose.

But yeah, you know, if anyone ever wrote anything for me, I'd have to write something back.

So that's just.

Yeah.

Is there anyone in particular who you would like to have a map battle with?

Do you know what?

I'd actually like to have a rap battle with my old English teacher.

Yes.

Because he was a poetry wizard.

Ah.

And I reckon that it would be intense.

Because I've got a lot of stuff on him.

He's also got a lot of stuff on me.

Yeah.

But I've probably got more on him.

Do you want to call him out now?

Do you want to use this as a platform to call him out?

No, I don't.

Do you know what?

No, because I think he might actually beat me.

I don't.

I actually don't.

This guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it Mark Grist?

No, oh, yeah, that did.

It has happened, hasn't it?

Yeah.

That was Blizzard.

Blizzard battled Mark Grist.

That was a long time ago.

Mark Grist going around.

Everyone thought it was really great.

I watch it back now, and I'm like, Mark Grist ain't that ain't that tough.

Yeah,

he didn't really have it.

At the time, he did, because I was like, oh, God, I'm 14 and there's a teacher of rat battering.

That was pre-Brexit.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I watch it.

I'm like, fucking, what's your game?

I know who I'd rap battle.

Yeah?

Romash Ranger Nathan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can organize it.

I think he's rusty as well.

He's been out of the way.

Yeah, shit.

But he thinks he's wicked, I'd annihilate him.

Yes.

I might text him actually after this and tell him that it's on.

Or you actually, you text me and tell him that I'm going to give him this.

You've called him out.

With pleasure.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

He goes over yet.

He actually does know a lot about hip-hop.

Yeah, but like, you know.

But still, it doesn't mean, yeah.

We're good friends off the mic, but on the mic,

we'll have to just

bury him, you know.

You'll have respect for each other.

It's like MMA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Want to destroy him?

We get it.

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We come to the dessert.

My favourite course always, the dessert course.

Ed.

I'm a starter boy.

I like a dessert.

Yeah, so am I.

But yeah.

Do you like a pudding though?

Yeah, if I'm going for it, then I'll go for it.

But I don't really, I don't know.

Actually, recently there's been a there's a delivery around the corner from us that started doing just like school dinners desserts.

Really?

So started ordering cake and custard chocolate cake chocolate custard which is catastrophic

a place that just does it just delivers and you just get a cake hot and then in a thing in a little tub you get custard is it from a from a school i know what's it you're not getting it's not like a dinner lady brings it open at 11 but

11 at night here you go

yeah maybe actually yeah a good way to make some extra capital what um what's it called this place uh it's like the caramel something.

St.

Dunstan's High.

Yeah, there's loads.

I think there's loads dotted around London.

Yeah.

I think it's like the same, it's like a chain, but it's just oh man.

Let's have some school puddings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, but

I don't really go for, but if I go out for dinner, I'll get loads of starters.

I like salty things.

Uh-huh.

Because I just feel.

Also, me and Sugar don't really agree.

I've got ADHD and sugar's not my best friend.

So if I

if I'm feeling just to be clear, because of the conversation we just had, sugar is, as in sugar, not, this isn't a rapper you're talking about.

Sugar and you don't agree on it.

I fuck that guy as well.

Yeah, I hate that guy.

Sugar's not my best friend.

Sugar and me don't agree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me and sugar don't get on.

Yeah, yeah.

I like something about him later.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, me and sugar don't.

The only time I have like a sugary dessert is if I've eaten a lot of food and I'm really full and I don't think I could make it home.

I mean, say you're on holiday and you'd like the villa's like 20 minutes away and you're like, God, I better have some sugar to sort this journey out.

You use it for energy.

King and then just off home, yeah.

Shoot at home.

Burn it off as well.

Yeah, that's that's that's pretty smart.

So now I'm nervous, though, because we've got there's a long history on this podcast of you know, I really like sweet things and desserts.

Ed

really likes it when people don't pick sweet things, especially for dessert.

He really likes it if he can try and convince people to have cheese and biscuits or something.

Thank you very much.

We'll be doing that.

We'll be doing that.

Thank you.

But

there's two that I have that I would go for.

One that I had the other day for the first time ever was

a cheesecake,

but it was at this place called Island Social Club, it's like Caribbean place, which does like the greatest roti I've ever had, which is surprising for a place in the UK to do a great roti, right?

Like a commercial restaurant.

Yeah.

But they have a cheesecake, which is just like candied or pickled ginger

and lime zest.

It was incredible.

Lovely.

And it was ginger, ginger nut base.

Oh, yeah.

Which was, I probably would go for that or just sticky toffee pudding and custard.

So that's the school dinner one I get.

Yeah.

I'll be on this one.

I'm going to have to insist you only have one.

Okay, then i'll go for the cheesecake go for the cheesecake i think that's the best choice what was the place called again um the island social club island yeah check it out it's a wicked place man i was there recently and it's delicious they had like i had goat goat curry um curry chicken everything that yeah i usually would have yeah it was just yeah it was beautiful the roti was incredible good buttery roti is uh yeah

insane life changer chris so candied ginger and stuff is something that i i didn't get into that until i was like probably like late 20s something like that i've grown up to I didn't get into it.

But I imagine Ed was eating them in

preschool or something.

Yeah, popping them in.

Yeah.

Just a whole, whole root.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you do it?

Very developed.

I had very developed tastes as a young child.

Right.

Has that still, has that continued?

So you know about just eating bark or something.

Yeah, no.

So advanced.

Yeah, I'm so past everything.

Just eat that.

I'm eat live octopus.

I always used to, yeah, whenever I never had child's menu or anything at restaurants even when i was like six what kids were not having that when you were six you would order it off the adult menu yeah

that's quite cool

it's like you see a lovely a lovely menu and all the adults are eating nice food and then you're like oh what i've got to have fish fingers and chips yeah no yeah well does the kids like that i'd like that if i went out now if someone's like sir would you like to

the young adults menu yeah great piece of colour yeah i'd love that

i don't even do the colouring yeah well I don't want to do the colouring.

I just want to sit and have a nice conversation.

Yeah, you're too busy doing your accounts or something, right?

Sitting there with a calculator sorting out your VAT receipts.

Or doing yourself some olives.

That's very grand.

Olives were later, actually.

I probably only got into olives when I was 12.

Olives would be good for another starter alongside the squid, by the way.

That's a pole post thing I think we've talked about in the past, is the fried olives they have.

Oh, yeah.

The fried olives are amazing.

Yeah, stuffed with anchovies.

So good, so good.

Yeah, if you're if you're into salt, there's basically little salt bombs.

They're great.

Great with a little beer.

Yeah, yeah.

You know it.

A little beer with the salt bombs.

I might go and do that later.

I think I'm going to go and get some salt bombs and beer.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

So I might do that.

It's quite interesting.

So, yeah.

So, I mean, as we reach the end of your menu, so what I'm taking from it mainly is that your

diet is a lot of the time you're taking in how guilty you feel about stuff and your ADHD and then thoughting out

you're always thinking about those two things all the time.

Just juggling those two things.

Yeah.

That's my life, pretty much, yeah.

Ed

has a similar thing, don't you, Ed?

I'm type one diabetic, if that's what you mean.

Is that what you mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean it's completely different but it is yeah.

That's what I was

I'm allergic to nuts though so I I feel like a dietary that's not the same thing but

you have to limit your yeah exactly.

I have to think about one.

What Lil's talking about is kind of similar.

You still haven't quite got the hang of Tyler.

You've avoided sugar and you feel guilty?

Yeah, I avoid sugar sometimes, and sometimes I eat sugar and just inject some insulin for it.

Big, big gamble, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you know what his surname is?

Yeah,

come on, yeah, I'm flying.

You won't believe it.

He knows what he's doing, bro.

I've already done it.

I just said it.

Yeah.

He's done the joke.

Yeah, step behind.

You can't now tell me the joke I just did.

God, what's his surname?

What is it?

Gamble.

Sure.

We'll read back your order.

So, also, I'm scared about reading back this order because I know that you said a lot of things that I had never heard before and didn't know how to pronounce this.

This is written down because in some restaurants they don't write it down and I hate that.

When they don't write it down, oh my God.

Also, do you pick them up on it?

When they're not writing it down, do you pick them up on it at the time?

Yeah.

Or do you just let them go away and think, if they mess up, I'm going to be furious?

Yeah, sadly, that's what I do.

My mum used to say to me, though, in a restaurant, is that people, you know a nice person.

If a person's nice to a waiter, then they're a nice person.

They don't have to be nice, but they should be, right sure so i try and be as nice as i can but it's the one thing where it's just like you kind of go i want you to fuck up yeah i can say you shouldn't have done that yeah yeah it's evil pure evil more passive aggressive i may have said this on the podcast before is order extra stuff that i didn't even want like a long a really long list of stuff and just see if it actually yeah just to see that see if it gets to a point where like i better start writing this yeah yeah yeah that's cool that's quite a good idea it's all it's always the thing that doesn't arrive is the thing i don't really want though it's always like order loads of stuff and then there's like a weird like pear salad yeah and it doesn't come yet.

Do you know what?

Thank God, gorgonzola and pear.

It's a tricky thing, though, because I've had that before where they've forgotten something

that actually

my eyes were a bit bigger than my belly.

I shouldn't have ordered that, but but there's a part of me that is annoyed that they forgot it, so I want to pick them up on it.

But there's another part of me that's like, I don't really want that any now, anyway.

That's a dilemma.

Had that the other day with some jackfruit nuggets.

Water, you would like sparkling water.

You would like poppa dums, no lime pickle, but you want all the other dips in there.

Starter, you'd like some crispy squid, you'd squeeze some lemon on it.

Your main course, you would like

the tuna steak on lentils with the spaghetti, aglio, aglioli, alioli.

What?

Aleolio.

It's just garlic and green.

Aleolio.

I've said it right three times here.

Aleolio.

Side dish, you would like just greens.

I haven't seen that since I was six.

Yeah, yeah.

Unspecified greens, but you're as happy with any greens.

Yeah, any greens.

I'll rustle you up.

Give me greens.

Drink a schooner of big wave.

Yes.

Dessert, you would like cheesecake from Island Social Club with candied ginger and lime zest on it.

Feel good about that?

Here I am.

I feel great about that.

Sounds pretty delicious.

Sounds great.

Well, thank you so much for coming on.

It's a pleasure.

Thanks for making me laugh.

Oh, no.

Oh, well, you know.

I was talking to Edward.

Oh, yes.

Battle ended.

I just got battled.

I know how it feels now.

Do it right back.

Oh.

Well.

Oh.

I before E, except after C.

Well, thank you, Loyal Khanna, for a brilliant episode.

Thank you, Loyal Khanna.

That was great.

I loved all our rat battling at the end.

Very good rap battling.

I think I might become a rap battler.

I think you'd be really good, actually, man.

Thank you very much.

You've already got loads of rhymes pre-written.

I've got a lot of pre-written rhymes by me or not by me, doesn't matter.

But no, they're

public domain.

Yes.

Great menu, I thought.

Didn't say little silver balls.

So well done.

He didn't say little silver balls.

Even though he could have put some little silver balls on that cheesecake at the end.

Could have sprinkled some on.

Could have sprinkled them on if he wanted to.

He didn't.

I'm going to try that cheesecake.

That sounds real good.

Does sound very nice.

I can heartily recommend Loyal's album that came out this year.

It's called Not Waving But Drowning.

It is a brilliant album.

Yes.

And actually, towards the end, there's some tracks that made me feel quite emotional.

What?

And remember, guys, Ed is a posh little man.

I'm a posh little man who loves heavy metal.

For Ed to feel emotions.

Yeah.

That is something.

It's the first time I've ever felt one.

And honestly,

is this what I've been missing all along?

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Is it Ed?

All the colours of the rainbow.

Oh, I'm going to go and try some more emotions.

Yeah, yeah.

What ones do you you recommend?

Happiness is probably the best one.

Joy and stuff like that.

I'm not sure.

Obviously, because it was my first time feeling an emotion.

I don't know which one it was.

Yeah, it's probably hard for you to pinpoint it.

Yeah.

How did it feel?

Can you describe it?

Oh, yeah.

Whereabouts in your body did you feel it?

Right in the end of my dick.

Oh, that's probably.

I got a really hard end of my dick.

No, that's just being aroused.

That's a sexual arousal.

I've missed emotion.

I've missed the emotion.

Yeah, yeah.

Never mind.

Next time, you'll get me next time, emotion.

Yeah.

But, you know, big, good, good, good review for Loyal Carner there.

Check out his album.

He is also touring.

We'll go on his website, loyalcaner.com.

He's doing Alexandra Palace in London.

Very exciting.

I might go to that.

Oh, so look out for Ed if you go there.

But, you know, steer clear of him during the emotional tracks.

We all know what will happen.

If you like this podcast and you haven't subscribed to it, what the bluminel are you playing at?

Working-class Ed Gamble there?

then bluming hell, guys.

Why don't you just

bloody subscribe if you'd

please?

Yeah, yeah, very good.

Well done.

Yes, subscribe to the podcast.

Sling it five stars, you fuck up,

you big fuck.

Yep, very good.

Thank you.

Yep.

You're going undercover soon, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

They won't rumble you.

You're the fucket trader.

Yep, you'll be fine, Ed.

I'll be all right, won't I?

So,

like and subscribe it and rate it.

Do all that.

I don't know any of

any of it, Benito.

You're on tour, I'm gonna become clean.

Yeah, but sold out.

Okay, um, I'm on tour.

Yes, I'll leave it at that.

Uh, so, uh, thank you very much for listening.

Uh, do all of those things that we just told you to do.

Uh, you've been lovely, and we'll see you again in the dream restaurant.

Another blooming time.

Goodbye.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.