Ep 19: Gemma Cairney

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Last summer, a sizzling group of islanders lit up the villa.

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Your order's ready.

Your order's ready.

It's another off-menu podcast.

Ha ha!

Great stuff from Ed Gamble there.

Oh, the Great Bonito didn't seem happy with that.

Our producer, The Great Bonito, looked really angry at my intro there, James.

Yes, well, the Great Bonito should not be so angry, should he?

Sometimes.

The Great Benito just has to hear an introduction and love it.

Yes, I think it was it was a lady saying your order's ready and then you go up to the counter and you collect your podcast this is the off-menu podcast the podcast where myself Ed Gamble and James Acust are over there ask a special guest what their dream meal is their favourite ever starter main course dessert side and drink and today we've got the wonderful Jim McKearney Jim McKearney six music DJ presenter

podcast extraordinaire.

I think that's a wonderful way of describing her.

Yeah.

Very much looking forward to hearing what her dream meal is.

Does she have any ingredients that we don't want to hear about, James?

Good point, Ed.

I'll just check the list.

Yeah, if she says whole peppercorns, she is out of here.

As per, there is an ingredient that if she mentions she's out of here.

Oh.

It's whole peppercorns.

I hate them, James.

What an awful surprise.

You're having a lovely meal, yum, yum, yum, biting away, and then you bite into a whole peppercorn and your life's ruined.

Quite often it's a little red one as well.

Yep, do not like it.

For danger, a little danger ball.

Yeah, but you know, what's the point of painting it red when you can't even see it?

It's always sneaking around.

Sneaking around, horrible sneaky peppercorn.

So if she has any sneaky peppercorns in her meal, she's gone.

But for now, let's listen to the wonderful menu of Gemma Kearney.

Gemma, welcome to the dream restaurant.

I do feel like I'm in a dream.

Yeah?

yeah because i can't really see that many restauranty things no

no this is very much a restaurant of the mind oh yes you can add in the all the restauranty stuff within your imagination

ah

and like clockwork welcome

uh that's me appearing i'm a genie

jimmy would have seen that anyway yeah

i'm a genie waiter welcome to the restaurant oh thanks for having me i'm i'm happy to be here does it mean that you get to make some of my wishes come true absolutely well

exclusively food-based wishes.

Food-based wishes.

Although no one has come in here and tried to make any other wishes so far.

No.

But it might be worth a try.

But as far as I know, he is a food genie.

Only food.

Okay.

Only do foods.

Well, I can do, you know, all of your favorite foods for your dream meal.

Is there any other food-related wishes you have that aren't?

Oh, I wish that we were allowed to eat naughty things all the time.

Right, yeah.

All the time.

Well, you are allowed to.

It's just, I guess, you've got to cope with the consequences of yeah

i wish we could get rid of those and you know now that we're in 2019 there are things that are just really not okay to eat yeah but we grew up in the 80s and 90s i'm guessing i did and i'm gonna get you too

so we have a penchant for certain disgusting things sure i feel in our generation i might be i might be just like stereotyping or whatever but if you grew up in the 80s 90s i would say in terms of probability wise you're likely to sometimes crave a McDonald's, for example.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

But it's just like not the done things.

Yeah, McDonald's.

Unethical.

It's probably going to be meat.

That's not the thing anymore.

Like, it's all processed.

It's just not good.

But

that's what you'd like.

For nostalgia.

For nostalgia's sake.

I gotta say, one loves a Big Mac.

Yeah,

one loves a Big Mac.

It's weird, isn't it?

Because McDonald's is sort of frowned upon now.

But it was one of the original fast food places.

But still, there's junk food places and fast food places that are as bad for you as McDonald's, but they're like trendier.

So people are like, oh, yeah, we'll go to Patty and Bun or whatever.

That's fine.

But

we don't go to McDonald's.

It's like, come on.

Basically the same thing.

Did you see the film The Founder about the guy?

I've not seen it.

I liked it.

Well, no.

What a great review, James.

Actually, I didn't like it.

Oh, no.

I liked a part of it.

There was a bit that was great about the two people who properly founded it, brothers.

And that's an amazing story.

And they do it really early on, and they like meet Michael Keaton's character, who's this, like, you know, this hustling guy, and

he thinks their burgers are great, and he wants to go into business.

When they ask them how they started, and they moved their business across the country.

And they actually decided to move the building that they were making hot dogs in at the time, but then they

changed the burgers.

And so they got the building itself, put it on the back of a truck, and we're driving along, and they couldn't get it under tunnels.

Isn't that true?

Yeah, they couldn't get it under tunnels, and so they cut the building in half.

That's why all McDonald's, like to begin with, were just like one floor.

Bungalows.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So like, because it could get through tunnels.

They got it there.

They started it up.

They invented the whole concept of fast food.

They had to work it out themselves, how to like, you know, have a system that gets it out quick.

They got all the staff and practiced practiced on a tennis court, like an empty tennis court together, with like mime in it, my men making burgers, time in it and stuff like that.

Really passionate, did it.

And then the rest of the film is watching those two brothers get their lives just stripped away from them

and get erased from history.

And that's the bit you like.

That's not the bit I like.

I cried at the story, their story in the cinema.

I cried.

There was a bit where they were making mimin making the burgers, and I started to weep because I found it so

moving.

I didn't know it was brothers, so it's Ronald and

his brother.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's what I was imagining when you were talking about that.

I was imagining Ronald MacDonald driving a truck with a building on the back.

Is Ronald McDonald even allowed anymore?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, why not?

I don't know.

Is he problematic?

I don't know.

Is he?

Just his look is kind of

a historic look.

Is it a problematic look?

Ronald McDonald.

We're talking about the clown, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't see why Ronald MacDonald might not be scary.

Yeah, yeah, he's scary looking, unless there's some sort of historic allegations against Ronald McDonald.

I don't think there is no sure, he does seem like an unsavoury character under the surface.

He hangs out with a burglar for a second.

If he was someone who lived on your street, you wouldn't let anyone you knew hang out with him at all.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Yeah, to be fair, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I kind of, my address sense could be described quite similarly to Ronald MacDonald.

Yeah, people can't see you, but your dress is Ronald McDonald's right now.

So I thought it was, that's why we were confused.

That's a bit Rick.

He looks crazy.

So, would you like still a sparkling water, Gemma?

I'm going to go for sparkling, please.

Sparkling, lovely.

Always go for sparkling?

I like to.

I'm classy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there a reason why?

Why do you prefer it?

Because it's a little bit like having a fizzy drink.

Yes.

Well, it is a fizzy drink, but you know, the sort of...

treat element of a fizzy drink.

So it's...

It's a treat of the bubbles.

I actually like letting fizzy drinks go flat.

have i said that on the podcast before i'm not sure if you have i have ben's nodded yeah

already said it yeah i i just clearly didn't get enough traction the first time

i'm bringing it up again

important to me i don't like letting fizzy drinks go flat i think that's lovely madness unless i deliberately do it i open them before i'm going to drink them i just leave them out That's weird.

That is weird.

Leave them to go flat.

It's good for your tummy.

If you've got a bad tummy, do that with Coke.

Oh, yeah.

It settles your stomach.

Yeah,

I do.

But you don't do it for that reason.

You do it because of you're bonkers.

Yeah,

I like it.

I like it being refreshing.

I like fizzy drinks cold and fizzy.

It's like a party in your mouth, isn't it?

It's like a party in your mouth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So sparkling water, you're basically getting the party started mouth-wise before you've had any food.

That's the thing that I don't really like, parties.

So

that makes sense why I don't like fizzy drinks.

Oh, it's not a party in my mouth.

It's so hard.

I want to stand in the corner and avoid everyone.

Oh my god, it's like I've gone clubbing in my own head.

Yeah.

Why is it so noisy?

Can't we just sit down and have a chat?

I hate this party.

Right, so you've got the party started.

Pop a dumbs off, Greg!

Popped up's on, Greg, Jebber!

Pop-a-dumbs all, Greg.

I'm gonna go with Pop-a-Doms, please.

Yes!

Yes!

People rarely go for Pop-a-Dums, and it warms my heart to hear it.

You go for Poppadums.

Any reason why?

They're like giant crisps, aren't they?

I mean, they are.

I'm like,

I was about to say that material.

They're made of that same material that Christmas did.

It all comes off the same title.

They are articulate to say.

Tasty, right?

Gotta love a giant crisp that you can dip into things.

And I love dips as well.

I love condiments.

So can I have some dips with that?

Absolutely.

You can have some dips with it.

What dips do you want?

The regular pop-adum dips or just any dips in the world?

Any dips in the world.

This is good.

This is left field, I don't know.

So you'd like to go outside of the.

What dips would you like to do?

I don't really believe in food rules.

I always say this to my flat mate, I'm like, don't abide by the rules of what's meant meant to go together and doesn't mean is that is that what as soon as she wakes up and you're standing over over her bed saying dressed as rodal mcdonald don't abide by the rules of what's meant to go get her

so you're very much treating the popadoms like a big crisp yeah like like a dorito or something that you would dip into how tasty is that that sounds great what dish a guacamole

Yes,

please.

You really do not abide by the rules.

Love it.

So guacamole.

I can't believe all of your faces.

That's great.

It's pure shock.

This is amazing.

This is great.

We're loving it.

It's so funny, though, but it's that controversial.

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, I don't think anyone's ever dipped a pop-dom in some guacamole before.

So the world, we don't know what will happen

when they make contact.

So, you want some guacamole?

Yeah.

Any other dips you'd like?

Because this is already starting for me.

Very exciting.

I quite like a yogurt-based dip.

So, if we were to be more like rule-abiding, a pop-up dumb would come with a chutney and a yogurt dip.

So,

I think it's called a raiter or a writer.

I'll have one of them as well, please, because that's going to be a nice neutral thing for my palate as I continue to munch.

Yeah.

And get the guacamoni involved.

Yeah, baby.

So we come to your starter.

What would you like as a starter, Gemma?

Well, I'm stealing my best mate's favourite starter, but they love this starter so much that I've started, like, it's contagious.

Yeah.

yeah but they have a deep love like a married couple who are very good friends of mine they kind of like my family they love a prawn cocktail okay nice yeah and wherever you go there's one on the on the menu it's gonna make for a great day

a great evening a very old school starter yeah one of the original starters I'd say yeah it's quite 70s I rarely have a I rarely have a prawn cocktail I think it fell out of favour so quickly but I think it's is it in again I think it's back in right guess how many I've had in my life how many one no way my whole life no what do you eat james

somehow i find uh nourishment elsewhere i don't i know everybody

want a prawn cocktail

you've never dipped a pop of dominant guacamole

here is why um i'd had prawn cocktail crisps before i had a prawn cocktail and i loved them such a such great crisps um one of my favourite crisps growing up so then i remember being in a place and seeing prawn cocktail on the menu i was like yes this is like my favorite flavour and they brought it along i was not ready for there to be lettuce in there and what do you think it was just gonna be the dust from the crisp i thought it would taste like a prawn cocktail crisp and it absolutely did not taste like a prawn cocktail no but that's not the way around that it's gone wrong they've they've got that wrong with the crisp flavour They've not built a prawn cocktail off the back of the crisp and gone, well, we've not really nailed the flavour.

It's the crisp that's messed up.

Yeah, absolutely.

But I wasn't going to eat the prawn cocktail, then get angry at the crisp, was I?

You should, you should have done.

And not eat, but I had to just admit that porn cocktail crisps are basically tomato sauce-flavoured crisps.

Yeah.

And that's why I love them.

And prawn cocktail is not really not that.

Where do you stand on cheese and onion?

Because cheese and onion together doesn't taste anything like a cheese and onion crisp.

Here's the thing: opposite.

So I used to really not like cheese and onion crisps at all.

Yeah.

And And so then I would avoid cheese and onion sandwiches.

Right.

And then once, probably I was in my 20s by now, probably late 20s, I was forced to have a cheese and onion sandwich because

I was working on something, and all the sandwiches were out, and the only ones that were left were cheese and onion.

I was so hungry, I was like, well, I guess I've got to eat this disgusting sandwich.

And it was delicious.

I absolutely love it.

What world are you living in where you eat crisps before you eat the actual foods?

Did you only eat crisps from the ages of zero?

I never tried salt and vinegar on its own own until

after I had the salt and vinegar crisps, you know?

Having that as a little taster and going, well, I really should try rice beef and mustard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really,

when all those fancy ones came out, when they were doing the salt and lineker and whatever.

That's not one of the fancy ones.

That's just salt and vinegar.

They just changed the name.

I was going to make the minds when they did that.

Isn't that fancy?

I've never eaten Gary Lineker.

Disappointingly, you then met Gary Lineker and he was nothing like vinegar.

Put a bit of salt on him, gave him a lick.

Nothing like the crisps.

Oh, dear, Gary.

Gary.

Well, we were talking about this in the pub last night because we were talking about the behaviour of dogs and how they lick each other.

Yeah.

And then we were saying how sort of, well, we were debating whether it would be nice to lick humans in the same way.

He just reminded me because you were talking about licking Gary Licks.

What did you conclude?

We We concluded that even though

I like to say anything goes, I don't think it is all right to just like greet your mates by licking their face.

There are some rules you have to abide by, Gemma.

Yeah.

Yeah, food or otherwise.

Yeah, I think it's probably not quite the one, is it?

And also, it just might not be a very nice experience.

No, no, because you don't know.

If you've just met someone, you don't want to lick them.

You don't know where they've been, right?

Yeah.

Also, they're probably going to make you smell disgusting, right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Humans Humans licking humans.

No, thank you.

It's not all right.

I've just got one friend who like, you know, gets really drunk and then licks your face.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Out of nowhere, gets really over carried away with himself and just licks people's faces.

He's like, you motherfucker.

I think we've all got that.

I think we've all got that friend.

And it is Tim King.

We're such animals, really, aren't we?

Like, when drunk, resort back to either being a toddler or a dog.

Yeah, or

a little dog.

Although, if that was the, if that was the situation that socially everyone would lick each other to greet each other, it would everyone's personal hygiene would be excellent you would hope you would but some people everyone would use that original sauce mint shower gel in their mouth yeah in their mouth oh no i'm thinking of the the liqueur

it's gonna get a taste i'm not thinking about what what's gonna be left on the licky your dental hygiene yeah

would also have to be excellent you do everyone would tongue scrape yeah tongue scrape i've been getting into that recently have you i've i don't think i've ever tongue scraped i i i'm every now and again

every now and again I've tongue scrape, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you scrape with?

Do you have a tongue scrape?

A rubber.

I don't know why I find anything get soap funny.

Actually, I probably don't scrape.

I use whatever

proof of ruler.

Basically, my toothbrush.

Okay.

Just give it a scrub.

I bought some

copper iodervic.

Yeah, sounds like I'll be doing it wrong.

Yeah, probably.

I mean, it's quite a weird thing to do.

So you pop a scrape

making me feel a bit funny.

Even admitting it.

But it's supposedly good for us.

Right.

Like just our dental hygiene in general.

I can see why it would be.

But it's like a sort of, yeah, it's just like made from metal and you just scrape your tongue.

What does it look like?

Is it like what you used to scrape ice of a kind of windscreen?

One of those things.

A sort of bit of bended copper.

I can't really explain it in a horseshoe.

Yeah.

And then you put it over the tongue and then drag it down.

Yeah.

But it makes you feel a bit funny.

It makes you feel a bit like, ooh.

ooh.

Yeah.

But at least you now know you can lick strangers with confidence.

Yes.

Yeah.

Which is what I'm very much in the market.

Yeah.

That's what this podcast is here to launch.

This episode.

Jemmy's going to start looking people.

The prawn cocktail, Gemma.

Yeah.

What sort of prawns are we talking?

So I think of an old school prawn cocktail.

I think of like tiny little prawns that have come out of the freezer or whatever and are mixed in with like a cocktail sauce or whatever.

But then more modern prawn cocktails, you'd expect to see like huge, big ass prawns.

Is that the sort of prawn you're going for?

If it's the dream then i'm gonna go for a big fat juicy prawn

with a really tangy merry rose sauce yeah so it will have a bit more of the crisp will be a bit like crisp you know you know like because the you know the crisps are quite like tangy aren't they

so i want the tang you want the tang yeah and i yeah and i want and also the lovely thing about prawn cocktail is that it looks great yeah it's just so lovely to look at especially if you get the big prawns and you like dangle them over the edge of the cup or whatever and they've got their little tails.

Yeah.

A nice sort of you use like a goblet almost or a glass and then you can see the Merry Rose sauce and it's lovely in 70s pink and then the big prawns.

Oh, it's just yeah.

They're all fanned and they look like synchronized swimmers.

Yeah.

All fanned out.

Like they've got their heads under the water.

Yes.

He's satisfied with himself for that.

It's lovely.

A lovely description from me.

And your main, your main course,

Jebo, do you've gone 70s?

I have a feeling

what I would love now is if you went 80s for your main, 90s for your side,

through the decades.

I

love

a good takeaway curry.

Yes.

I always have.

It's quite ritualistic to just get a big curry

and get your guacamole.

Yes.

I mean I am darting about but we're talking about the dream aren't we?

Yeah absolutely.

You can get whatever you want from wherever you want.

And I've always loved a madrasse because it's like the perfect spice for me.

I don't think I've ever had a madras.

I think I've always been victim of that

over-masculinity sort of 90s lad thing of having a really hot curry.

And I don't think I've ever shaken that.

Whereas I think I'd like a...

Is it quite spicy?

It's quite spicy.

It's just not going to blow your mouth off like how a vindaloo will.

I wouldn't go vindaloo.

I go jail frazy most of the time.

I like it.

If you like a jail frazy, you'll like a madrasse.

I'll go madrasse.

I've not had a madrasse because they've not made the crisps yet.

So I've not tried it yet.

Fair enough.

Are you going chicken madrasse?

I'm going lamb.

Lovely.

Yeah, I completely agree with you.

It's just so delicious.

And again, you know, I am questioning my meat intake at the moment.

So I feel guilty saying that lamb madrasse is one of my faves, but it just is.

Yeah, yeah that's totally fair enough is there somewhere where you've had the best lamb address

like is there like a curry house growing up or what was your favorite it's a good point not particularly it's just a local place like there's not a particular one from growing up i've just always stuck to that and also i do travel a lot and i've lived in loads of different places so it is good to have your comfort that is quite easily got and you can usually find a lamb address a decent lamb address anywhere in the uk sure

and are you having rice with that?

Yeah, mushroom rice, please.

Mushroom rice every time.

I think I normally had if I'm having rice, I go mushroom pillow, yes, please.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, it's really, really solid choice.

Absolutely.

But special.

You go, what?

I've got special rice every day.

Special rice.

Special rice.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that they say this is your special rice for you?

Yes, they say that.

Tell me how I'm going to be.

You know what that is?

It's all the leftovers of all the other rice, all mixed up.

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, peas.

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

Peas in there it is quite clever though isn't it

a dish special because you don't like because it look how happy like i just say that people listening know that james face is lit up with joy and the idea that it's special

rice for a special rather than anything that's in it it's more the fact that it's just special yeah are there always peas in special rice always peas i think um i think sometimes there's mushrooms Sometimes, I've only had one special rice once it even had little prawns in it.

Oh, that's quite nice.

That's so special.

That was very special.

That's what's fun about the special rice.

I never know what it's going to be.

I find that too distracting, having all those things in it.

You'd be distracted,

dancing around and doing something.

No, but when it comes straight on the curry, the rice should be there as very much as a side dish to soak up some extra sauce, maybe.

And, you know, you don't want to be bunging in

all those things.

Like a box of lucky charms.

Yeah, looking at everything coming out.

Look at who you're talking to, Ed.

I mean, you know that if they offered lucky charms on a curry, I'd have it.

You absolutely would.

And what side would you like with your curry, sir?

Cookie crisp, please.

Cookie crisp.

Oh, delicious.

Are you getting to choose the heat of this madrasa or is it just like I would like it spicy, please?

I mean, a madrasse is, you know, when you get the chilies to indicate how spicy a dish is.

My voice limit weird.

If four is like the spiciest, I reckon a madrasse is like a three.

Three.

Which I'm happy with yeah that's that's a good

that's pretty that's not you you're not showboating no but also you you're having a you're having a good time i do like a spicy curry i really i used to love it when i was little as well because i think i was being a bit of a show off right

um but but but i also know that it's annoying if you're just eating something that's too spicy and you can't actually taste it you want to taste the lamb right yeah you don't want to drown it in spice and it's also really embarrassing like there's i've got a few distinct memories of going too spicy in various situations.

And that sounds really weird.

There's a Twitter account that someone set up for this podcast called No Context Off Menu, where they just take quotes from it.

Really?

And tweet it.

And I think your quote of, I have a memory of going spicy in some situations.

Yeah,

you're in big trouble there, Jenna.

We can't do anything about it now.

And also,

when I was on Radio 1, I played Innuendo Bingo quite a lot.

Have you ever seen that?

I played it the other day.

I played it the other day.

Yeah.

Did not enjoy it.

It's kind of horrible, really, isn't it?

You just get Chris Stark spitting on you.

Yeah, it's gross.

Just to put it into context that people don't know, it's where you sit opposite Chris Dark, who is the co-host of Scott Mills.

And yeah,

you fill your mouths with water like a chipmunk.

So it's like you are absolutely filled.

And then they play a series of innuendos in terms of audio, but it can be from the telly or whatever, and try not to laugh.

And some of them are incredible, and you sort of spit all over each other.

Well, the thing is, yeah, you sit opposite Chris Stark, you both got water in your mouth, and then they play a clip of, like, you know, Mary Berry saying she likes plums in her mouth or something.

And then,

yeah, sure, it's funny, but the thing is, like, I'm

not going to laugh at all.

So the first one, whatever it was, I thought, kind of funny, but I'm not going to just, I'm not going to fake it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stark knows that,

you know, it's got to be be a fun episode.

Yeah.

So he knows, so he just immediately, just whatever happens, just spits a gob full of water on you.

And you go, that's your actual spit, Stark.

And what do we do?

We need to ask him.

Yeah,

Stark, not a tongue scraper, there's no way.

But then, so then I'm just like, basically, no matter what the innuendo was, just spraying water on him.

I was angry at him.

So you weren't listening to the innuendo, though.

Somebody just spat water on me, for God's sake.

He played it really aggressively.

You spat it at him every single time.

There you go.

Halfway through, just yeah, not even listening to what it was.

It is quite a weird game.

It is quite weird, but I played it a lot.

And I'm just hoping that that in your ending isn't getting that.

It's gone too spicy in some situations.

But I have a very distinct memory of eating a

burrito with sauce that was too spicy.

and just literally sitting with my mates and just like weeping.

It was so embarrassing.

I don't know what it is.

It's because you just feel a bit like an idiot because you keep going you're like it's gonna be fine yeah yeah but it's just taking over every sense and then you're just crying yeah it just shuts you down there's that moment with each mouthful where for a while it's not that bad so you just keep eating because it's like if I have another bite it'll go back to being like fine again yeah and it's only when I let it settle that I'm on fire

my life's awake in hell I do kind of see why people get addicted to that though because there's some like chili heads who are really into it and when you start when you get that little sweat on like a little cold sweat, and you're properly like you're in the thrall of the spice, I can see why that might be quite like going to a sauna, like sweating it out, purging.

Yeah, and it's yeah, it's like endorphins, it's like a rush, it's like being on a roller coaster, but you're just in a restaurant.

Should we just all go out and eat some chili?

Yeah, right.

Um, if the fizzy water is like a party in your mouth,

what is uh a free free chili madrasse in your mouth?

Um,

a livener, a livener just sharpens the senses.

So you're at the party anyway because

you've got the water.

So the mouth's at a party and you're like, let's take this up to the next notch.

Yeah.

Who's arrived at the party?

Oh.

When the madras walks through the door, what human form is it taking?

All right, it's taking the form of

Snoop Dog.

Snoop Dogg is the madras.

Snoop Dogg's the madras.

Here comes Snoop Dogg.

Come on, that would be a livener.

Yeah, that would be a livener.

I feel like suddenly I've got a lot more energy.

But what I would say about Snoop Dogg is: I'm sure he's great at a party, but I would never describe him as a livener.

I feel like a lot of his public persona is actually quite relaxed

for various reasons.

Yeah, but he's Snoop Dogg.

Yeah, everyone would definitely be like, oh my God, Snoop Dogg.

It's Snoop Dogg.

And then when suddenly the party's now buzzing.

Yeah, like

the swag of Snoop Dogg.

Yeah.

I'm imagining him because he's a lamb madrasse walking in with a little lamb under his arm.

Snoop Dogg with a lamb.

Yeah.

I wouldn't even be that surprised.

I don't know why.

He's got a pet lamb.

He's called Snoop Lamb now.

Change his name yet again.

Yeah, because it wasn't any Snoop.

Wasn't he

Lion.

Snoop Lion.

Sleep Lamb.

Yeah, Snoop Lamb.

I was just saying, Sloop Lamb.

Sloop Lamb's at the pun.

Sloop Lamb.

Good to see you all.

A bit of a livener for you.

Release this lamb into the room.

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What is your side dish, Gemma?

And you don't, what you don't have to do, because it's a dream restaurant and we know you don't play by the rules anyway, you don't necessarily have to have an Indian side dish for this.

Yeah, okay.

Because you've got the rice, the rice is all in.

We should already have popped onto guacamole, I mean, yes, no.

This is hard, I have to think about this.

Okay.

Because it needs to be right.

I'm having a really great dinner.

Yeah.

Snoop's Snoop's in the room.

Snoop's hanging out.

Snoop's there.

I've got the sparkling water.

70s party.

Yeah, I've had a really decadent 70s party.

So in a place down the road to me called Olby's, it's called a soul cafe, and there's like lots of delicious food that you can buy.

And

one of the things that they do are called jalapeno poppers.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

So yeah.

That's what I'm having, stuffed jalapeno.

So cream cheese in them.

Yeah.

Breaded, deep-fried.

You're not calling this party down.

No,

this party is only getting more lively.

Snoop Dogg better phone the fire brigade.

Because uh

I'm the fire remoter.

Yeah, someone just said

fire.

Yeah, yeah.

This is very

the lamb's wool has just gone up.

I hope you ordered a big old bowl of guacamole for the

unless you've got the guacamole with the chili flakes in it, in which case you're which I think you would, Gemma, let's face it.

Um jalapeno poppers.

Now, what so where was the place you mentioned?

Olby's, it's called.

Alby's.

What is special about there?

I love Olby's.

I just like the space.

So I live in Kent on the southeast coast in Margate, and it's quite a sort of ramshackle, weird, brilliantly weird place.

And it's a good spot to know when you get to Olby's on King Street in the Old Town that you're just going to be able to relax and that they're going to play good music.

and that there's going to be friendly people behind the bar and that you can just order a bowl of jalapeno poppers drink prosecco and be relaxed so yeah it's just like about an atmosphere thing Music being quite key, it's quite sort of smooth in there, right?

You've got a lot of 90s RB.

And is that what you want at the

is that what's playing at the party?

I think it might have to be, yeah.

Think Snoop would like the 90s RB?

I reckon he would.

I reckon, again, he's not going to be particularly lively, but his vibe is going to be exciting.

He's going to be on a special VIP table in the corner.

Him and the lamb?

Yeah, him and the lamb.

And he's got a couple of magnums of shamps around him.

and he's like just riding it out like grooving yeah

so like just like nodding his head and just like

is the lamb nodding his head as well the lamb is nodding his head and they're playing the entire destiny's child writings on the wall album right great which is epic and worth an entire listen rather than just picking one track so we're just grooving to Destiny's Child.

Great.

Eating jalapeno poppers.

I was at a wedding once, and me and my friends just realised it was just really funny to nod your head to every song.

We couldn't stop laughing.

The more it went on, every time it came, I just started nodding your head.

It just really over-exaggerated.

Whatever it was.

Yeah, nod your head to it.

And the longer that you do it for, the funnier.

Yeah.

That's really funny, actually.

It's really funny.

It's really

like yours.

It's like

a car chip.

Like a puppet, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a bad

thunderbird.

What I've worked out as well is it's more fun if your face looks really worried.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just through a little worried eyebrows.

Nodding and panics about your own head.

Try it yourself at home.

Yeah.

Not along.

Nod along to a podcast is even better.

Yeah, yeah.

People always have nodded along to our podcast.

Nodding to the world.

You said Snoop's going to have a big load of champas that you like having the champers with the jalapeno poppers.

Is that going to be your drink of choice?

I'm going to choose champagne, yeah.

I said Prosecco is what I drink in Old B's, but if as this is the dream and Snoop's there,

and I've had a prawn cocktail, which has set the tone,

I'm going for a champagne.

You can't, Snoop can't see you drinking drinking Prosecco.

It's true.

And he's there with the Magnums.

I mean,

the party's in your mouth.

Right.

Let's not forget this is not a natural party.

The party is in your mouth.

It's in your mouth, anyway.

Yeah, so you could, oh, yeah, you have the champagne because Snoop has the champagne.

The only way you know that they're nodding their heads is because you're looking in the mirror with an open mouth

to see what's going on in there.

I hope that no psychologists listen to this and sort of break down what it says about you.

My entire career, I hope that no psychologists happen upon my work.

I do enjoy that there's a VIP area in your mouth as well.

Snoop's in there.

Yeah.

Whereabouts in your mouth

did you put the VIP section of the party?

Whereabouts do you think the...

I've got a space where my wisdom tooth was taken out.

Right.

So I could

section that guy.

I had a crown put in, and so that feels like a pretty bougie bit of my mouth.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I think it'd be around.

It'd be around.

Snoop would want to sit on the crown, wouldn't he?

Yeah, yeah, because he would.

Jemma?

Where would I like to sit in your mouth?

In your own mouth, where would the VIP

section?

Why would you be?

Very important person.

People who don't know at home.

This is so weird.

Seeing as I'm a tongue scraper.

Yeah, of course.

Probably somewhere away tongue.

Because when you look after your tongue, it's like the red carpet of your mouth.

Yeah.

It is.

That's where the VIP section is.

Perfect.

Freshly scraped tongue.

Oh, my God.

Snoop and little Larry Larry.

Snoop and Larry.

We've scraped it specially for you.

Have a seat.

Perfect.

VOP section.

So you got champagne in the VOP section and for yourself for this meal.

Yeah, for sure.

Is there a particular brand?

Let's just go tatty, tattinger.

Oh, yeah.

Because it just sounds a bit abfab, doesn't it?

Sure.

A bottle of tatty, please.

Yeah, it's quite nice.

I enjoy Laurent Perrier champagne, and that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that they've sent us some bottles, which I'll bring another time.

I get headaches every time I have champagne.

No, what a shame.

Every time, I don't even need to get drunk on it.

Like, this next day I've got a headache.

Oh, that's not good.

Awful, yeah.

Not fun.

I always, yeah, I'm always like, I can't wait for a glass of champagne.

And then, after a glass of champagne, I'm like, I am far more pissed than one drink should make me.

It's the excitement, though, right?

Yeah, it's the bubbles.

There's something about champagne.

There just is.

And it's a shame that you don't get to benefit from that because it's a really lovely ceremonial thing of like, oh, yeah.

Pop!

Yeah.

first time i had champagne was um millennium eve 1999 wow what a night i was 14 uh and uh great everyone's having champagne can't wait and really disappointed it didn't taste like champagne crisps did

really bad marks and spencer's do prosecco crisps now do they yeah they don't have town marks mark and spencer actually

both of them they don't taste like prosecco surprisingly really because it's a drink.

So, well, yeah.

I just think that's a bit desperate, isn't it?

Yeah, it's.

I just think it is.

Prosecco Crisp has sort of taken the Mickey out of us all.

Champagne Chris, on the other hand,

it's a quirk that I'm sort of like, okay,

okay, it's kind of funny.

Prosecco crisps.

Yeah.

That don't even taste the Prosecco.

Because everyone buys them once.

Yeah.

You're like, I wonder what this will taste like.

And what does it taste?

Did you have them?

I've had them.

Sorry.

What did they taste like?

I was calling Mark and Spencer desperate, not the people that buy them.

No, I wasn't desperate.

I was just trying them out.

They didn't taste like Prosecco at all.

Exactly.

They just tasted too sweet.

Yeah.

Sweet Chris.

No, thank you.

I don't know what I was expecting.

It sounds like you ate some biscuits, Ed.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, biscuits.

That's what they were.

Chocolate biscuits.

That's what I had.

You know what?

I have seen them.

I have seen them.

But I feel like it's because Prosecco's become so popular.

Yeah.

They just take...

Yeah, it's a cash-in.

Of course it is.

Yeah.

But you would have champagne, Chris.

Yes, please.

Yeah, yeah, because that's like the proper deal.

Like, people only drink Prosecco right because it's cheaper than champagne.

Yeah.

Right, that's true.

I don't love Prosecco.

No.

Do you love Prosecco?

No, I don't really like champagne that much either.

I wouldn't choose it.

I'd only take it if it was on offer.

Do you say

champagne for my real friends?

Real pain for my sham friends?

Do you ever say that?

What's this?

Champagne for my real friends.

Real pain for my sham friends.

Have you ever said that, Jebber?

Have you ever said that, James?

Yeah.

Do you say it every time that you have some champagne?

Say it all the time.

Yeah.

Champagne for my real friends.

Real pain for my sham friends.

Yeah, it's a good catchphrase.

It's a good one.

Who's it?

Is it Drake?

Yeah, I think.

Yeah, it's Drake.

Is it?

I know, but like, I don't really know who it is.

I don't know who coined it originally.

It's good, it's a good thing.

Imagine being there the first time someone said that.

Oh, they'd have lost their minds, wouldn't they?

Raise their toes.

They go, champagne for my.

They planned it in advance, so it occurred to them as they were saying it.

Champagne for my real friends and real.

Oh man, guys.

Listen to this.

Right, okay, I'm going to go back to the beginning again.

Real pain for my sham friends.

You know, Dudley in the office?

He's a sham friend, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, good point.

Dudley is a sham friend.

It didn't work as well as the day before he was at a party.

They had Prosecco.

Yeah, he was real.

Yeah, real Prosecco for my friends prosec for my guys my bad pro friends oh please don't hang out with me oh guys

i just

oh real mabina for my

with every drink they've ever had eventually one day it worked out I do think it is nice to toast random things though.

Yeah.

So not just drinking champagne all the time, but if you are with your mate and you've got a cup of tea

and you feel like you want to celebrate something,

have a cheers of your tea.

Are you a

strict eye contact when cheers invites?

I try, yeah.

It's not worth the risk, is it?

Yesterday when we were cheers, and Benito was the people who then goes, oh, we've got to do it.

So you make your eyes really wide to don't give up any cheers to be like, I'm doing it, everyone.

Don't have a go at me.

It's quite threatening, actually.

We did it.

We went out for a meal yesterday and

they brought us some little bite things just to start.

They were like cauliflower, cheese, little tart things,

and we cheers all of those, didn't we?

Cheers and the tartlets was great.

Should we cheers some tartlets?

Yeah, that was very nice.

Very nice.

And you cheers with a cup of tea.

Cup of tea.

I would cheers with a tartlet.

Invite me next time.

Yeah.

Cup of tea for your real friends.

Oh, no.

Real trend says.

Real tea for your cup of friends.

We come to your dessert.

Oh, yes.

So.

Final course.

Because I've eaten quite a lot.

I'm going to have a sorbet.

What flavour?

Mango, please.

Yeah.

Oh, Ed's happy.

It's surely the only flavour to go for, really.

Those sorbets have been getting quite jazzy recently.

Too jazzy?

Are you here to put a stop to the

stop to it?

I'm going to stick to it.

Is the party over?

Yeah.

Spitting everyone out.

Neighbours are knocking on the door.

Yeah.

Spitting Snoop Dogg out.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, so I think I've tried peach sorbet,

blackcurrant sorbet.

So these are all nice.

I wanted that list to go on for longer, if I'm honest, Gemma.

I know, I know.

I'll see how long Gemma can list sorbets for.

But she's tried.

Riveting stuff.

Sorbets that I've tried.

Really is showing my ten-year broadcast.

Welcome to the Sorbets that I've tried.

Did you ever find yourself in a situation on like Radio One, say, where you just had to fill some time and you ended up listing something?

I'm sure there would have been many times.

That's the sorbets, I'm sure.

That's why the Sorbay was at the forefront of your mind.

Black current sorbet, mango sorbet.

Sorbets, jumbo.

Anyway, here's the Arctic Monkeys.

It's just a bit of, you know, beat poetry.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

There's subtext to it, if people would only listen.

Exactly.

Why can't I have the space for my art?

I wouldn't say black currant sorbet is that jazzy.

Is that what you were talking about with the...

That's not that jazzy, but just like, I think you'd think of lemon sorbet and mango sorbet, right?

As the two

leading flavours.

But I do think I've been to establishments that have...

a plethora of flavours that you can choose from but I'm going to stick to a mango for this particular meal because mango's so good.

Do you remember the first time you discovered mango sorbet?

I don't remember where I was the first time I had mango sorbet, or indeed mango.

I mean, I think the first time you taste mango is a bit of a revelation, isn't it?

Mango is amazing.

This is a fruit, but it's basically a chocolate bar.

Yeah, yeah.

And a sensory experience.

Yeah, it really blows you.

It's delicious.

Yeah.

Absolutely delicious.

Actually, I'm going to have a mango now.

I'm just going to have a mango.

It's just a mango.

Yeah.

I love it.

As long as it's it's ripe.

Yeah.

Oh, it's ripe.

Oh, it'd be the ripest mango you've ever had.

It's got a lot of tissue because you get messy of a mango.

Do you want us in the dream restaurant to prepare the mango for you or just literally give you a whole mango

and a knife?

Do you want a knife?

I'll have a knife.

Yeah.

How would you do the mango?

So, obviously, there's different ways of doing the mango.

If it's ripe, you could cut round and then get it off the stone and then do that weird hedgehog thing.

Yeah.

Where you cut it into squares and then push it out like an inside-out hedgehog.

I think I'm going to be more

like like rock and roll about it.

Just bite into it.

I'm just going to peel off a bit of the skin.

Yeah.

And I'm just going to eat it.

Yeah.

Just

drown Snoop and that lamb.

Yeah.

Bad luck, guys.

Poor Larry drowning in mango juice.

I mean, that is not a bad way to go.

Yeah, that's not right.

I love that you've set up this wonderful party in your mouth, and now you're fucking Noah's arcing them out with mango juice.

I can't believe it.

Again, please, no psychologist breakdown because God knows.

My favourite sorbet, I want to do a little shout out because

we, on one episode, Nish Kumar was on and we tried to bring back Kumar's cobbler because Nish, Jackson and I, Nish wanted them to bring back the peach cobbler.

Okay.

They'd taken it off the menu.

Yeah.

I would like Pitter Pit.

It's a chain mainly in New Zealand and Australia, but we've got like one, I think, in London, maybe.

Pitter Pit.

Yeah.

Used to sell, used to have lime sorbet.

that was my favourite sorbet I've ever had.

That's a bit jazzy.

Yeah, that is jazzy, baby.

I was jazzing it, but I loved it so much.

I believe that.

Every time we did the festival, if we were a comedy festival in Auckland, I'd go to Pitter Pit and get the lime sorbet, walk around happy as Larry, eating it.

Not as which Larry?

Larry the Lamb.

Larry the Lamb.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And

it's not in there anymore.

So bring back Acaster's sorbet.

Bring back Acaster's Sorbet.

Okay.

Hashtag.

and send it to Pitter Pit.

Yeah.

Tweet that at Pitter Pit.

Bring back Acasters Lime Sorbet.

Please.

Right.

Gemma, your order is.

Yes.

You would like some sparkling water, some poppadongs with guacamole as the dip and some traditional dips as well.

Starter, a prawn cocktail, nice and 70s.

Main, the lamb madras with mushroom rice, free chilies.

Side, jalapeno poppers from Old B's and rice.

Old bees.

Drink champagne.

And for dessert, you would like mango sorbet slash ripe mango.

I think we can let Gemma have both if she wants.

Oh, yeah, would you?

Yeah, you can have it.

That doesn't feel like two desserts.

That feels like one nice dessert.

Yeah.

There's something I like.

But just a ripe mango.

Just being brought a mango and a knife.

Yeah.

Just the visual.

Yeah.

A mango.

The mango is good, the perfect mango.

Great.

Love it.

Thank you so much, Jemmy.

Tasty.

Thanks.

What a lovely, lovely meal.

Enjoy.

Party's over.

Get out, Snoop.

That was the menu of Gemma Kearney.

Delicious.

Really delicious.

Well done, Gemma.

Yep, some real comforting food there, I felt.

And you know, the way she described it.

Actually,

very descriptive of the comforting feeling of it.

Yeah, I liked it a lot.

Also, no whole peppercorns in it.

Not even any half-peppercorns, as far as I'm concerned.

So thank you very much gemma uh for that um also gemma's doing a uh her podcast her six music podcast the leisure society is available check that out yeah you can uh go download that listen to that not if you're gonna stop listening to this one and listen to that one no no well if you do listen to other podcasts please keep us playing in the background absolutely at all times yeah i assume you all know you should be listening to this 24 7 on the loop yeah they know that right i hope they know that it'd be a bit

disloyal of them if they didn't also you should be reviewing this five stars

and subscribing.

Subscribe, yeah.

Follow me on Twitter and Instagram, yeah, at off menu official, and also um, come and see me and James live on tour.

Yeah, also, uh, here's something that doesn't get enough of a shout-out.

So,

uh, go onto YouTube, Sweet Home Ketteringa is a series that I did with the brilliant people at Turtle Canyon.

It's very good, sweet home Ketoringa.

Oh, and also go on to Bandcamp and buy in Luna Dot Raids the B pigeon.

Yes, you heard that right.

Luna Dot Raids the B pigeon.

No R at the end of Luna and two T's on dot.

And dot is the word, not the thing.

Yep.

And that is an album that I made with Rob Deering and some friends.

It's bonkers.

Yep.

So that's my plugs.

An album and a YouTube series.

Yeah, I just do stand-up comedy.

So come watch me do that.

Thank you very much for listening.

Come back next time for another wonderful off menu.

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oh hi james have you heard the news oh yeah go on you and i are modern boys because the off menu podcast is now on youtube this is embarrassing why is it embarrassing man you love youtube i love watching clips on youtube sure now people can watch clips of off menu on youtube and full episodes but it's embarrassing man it's not embarrassing at all it's really cool we're on youtube with the great and good the coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.