Ep 12: Josie Long

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Bon Appetitio and

welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

Our guest today is Josie Long.

The wonderful Josie Long.

One of my favorite comedians.

Very excited.

She's an amazing comedian.

You've toured with her before, her tourist.

She was on tour in 2010.

It was a privilege and an honour.

And now, to have her on this podcast, the same.

The same also.

Quickly explain the podcast for us, James.

We'll be asking Josie her favourite ever starter, main course, side dish, dessert, and drink.

And I'm a genie waiter.

And you're a genie waiter, which now and again you forget.

It came up a lot in the initial episode.

And then quite often you do forget that you're a genie, and the guest leaves without ever knowing.

Yeah.

Well, that's the good thing about being a genie sometimes is that people don't know if it's you or not.

There's that theory that in Disney's Aladdin,

the merchant at the beginning is actually the genie in disguise.

It definitely is.

That's not a theory.

No, it's a theory.

Disney haven't confirmed it, and

it's not there.

It's Robin Williams' voice, though.

It is still his voice, yeah, sure.

Yeah, and it looks exactly like the genie.

Yeah.

But it's a theory, it's not a fact.

Our resident Disney expert is looking confused and is googling it.

Oh, the director confirmed it.

Right.

The first thing that comes up is that the director confirmed the genie.

That's definitely what it's supposed to be.

But that's like, but there you go, see?

That's like me.

Is it?

You don't know he's the genie at the beginning.

Yeah.

So when they've left the restaurant, they don't know that I was the genie.

You've got many gears as a comedian, James, but my favourite gear is when you realise everything's falling apart.

Keep rolling.

So, this is a great episode.

Josie's brilliant.

Do like, subscribe, review, all of that sort of thing.

We will, we, in our outro and intro capacity, will see you after the podcast, but in a minute, you're going to hear us in full podcast mode.

And very importantly, Josie cannot order a dish with bay leaves in it.

That is the secret ingredient.

The secret ingredient.

If she orders bay leaves, she's out.

Then she'll know I'm a genie.

Hello, Josie.

Hello, how are you?

Good, thank you.

Welcome to the off-menu restaurant.

Thanks very much.

Welcome, welcome.

May I take your coat?

Yes, it's a coat that I found under the bed that I'd had sitting around for six years.

Oh, really?

It looks quite smart.

It looks quite good, actually.

So, hang on a coat, but you lost it six years ago under the bed, or it's someone else's coat.

It's my coat.

just i was using it when me and my pals were making a short film it was just us we didn't have any like expensive wardrobe but it was in scotland in november yeah so i like had this down coat and like in between i would put it on myself and be like traveling yeah you know and um then i just in my head i was like that's my set coat yeah and put it in the box under the bed and then i opened the box and i was like this is a nice coat number four had you forgotten it was have you forgotten it was under there completely like like when you find a fiver like in your receipts or something the best the very best

oh or like a nearly completed loyalty card i'm always finding them with the receipts so like take it all out the purse love it i i did my taxes a month early which feels like i did it 10 years early wow yeah do you feel good no i hated it

it was horrible

rediscovering an old coat is great it is like buying a new coat yes

And also, it's buying a new coat, but like, but previous you've done all the hard work.

Yeah.

Because as long as you're not changed that much, previous you knows everything about you.

Yeah, it works, you like it.

But you haven't worn it in a while, so you go, oh, this feels like a new me.

Even though it's the old me.

Even though it's the old you, yeah.

Very philosophical, early doors.

It's what I expected from the Josephong episode.

Well, also, I've been, I think I said this to you the other day.

Spoiler, I've had a baby and I'm the first person to have done so.

So it's that a spoiler.

Oh, was that a spoiler?

In the world.

Spoiler for her.

Insofar as life is terrible.

No.

but um,

it does such weird things to your identity.

The other day, I felt like I was in-I guess it's like an episode of The Simpsons, where Home is suddenly in this like dimensional vortex, yeah, the world around him strips away, and he's just like, and I was like, Oh, this is full-on.

So, you've got to cling when you find an old coat, yeah, yeah, you've got to cling to it.

You put the coat on and go, This is what it was like when I didn't have a baby.

This was the coat, this is how I used to stay warm when I was childless.

Yeah, just walked around.

So, yeah, you can take my coat.

Okay, cool.

Thank you very much.

Take a seat.

Any seat you like.

We don't normally say take a seat to people, but like.

You're really going through the rigmarole of being a waiter.

Well, I mean, those of you who don't know, listen to the podcast.

Like, you know,

my

first break in comedy was that Josie took me on tour with her.

I supported Josie.

So I think I still feel like Josie's my boss.

Right.

So when she comes in, I'm giving her the treatment way better than anybody else.

When we were on tour, it wasn't like I was like, I'm I'm the boss James you've got to do this but I still respected you as my boss yeah it was still like I had to be like you know this is Josie's tour and part of the thing is making it easier for her I knew what my job was even though no one told me that was my job Josie didn't say listen you're gonna make this easier for me

well I tell you how you're gonna make it easier for her

but yeah you were you were you were still like my money was coming out of your tour so you're still paying me that's that's a boss's job that's a boss so like which is sad for me because I'm an anti-capitalist and i truly hate the bosses yes now all this time i've been a boss you've always been my boss so you're the first guest i've offered a table to oh i because i feel like but a place the boss also do you know there's so few places in my life like i've i've never had been a restaurant where people are like hey any table you want yeah i really never get that yeah it'll be like well you're gonna have to wait for half an hour and yeah or there's no one sat in there and they're like hmm okay well that table there you're like they should offer any table at that point i think i hate getting off of like the the drafty table

when it's like

a nice one over there, but you can see that they're why don't sit next to the door on this please I hate when there's a booth available, but they're like that's for four people.

You've got to take this ribbon deal

four people come along I'll get up and move but come on I want to sit in the booth eye at them and say I'm a mother of one

oh I'd love that excuse one day

it is a a good excuse to get a booth.

You're right.

It's worth it.

Love of one.

That's why I miss being pregnant.

When you're pregnant, you can get pretty much everything you desire.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, except for a decent shot.

Well,

sit in this booth.

You have a booth.

I'll give you a booth to yourself.

Look at that.

Congratulations.

You really are rolling up the red carpet today.

I'm absolutely beaming.

The boss is in.

I'd say this is the first episode there's been a booth.

Normally.

Oh, I'd love it.

It's just just a shack, normally.

Yeah.

Normally, it's like those tables that there's no chairs.

Is it in Japan?

And you just sit on the floor.

Yeah.

Normally, that's what the restaurant is, but we've never referenced that.

But in my head, it's always been that.

Have you sat at those?

They're very painful.

Are they painful?

I'm not flexible, though.

Oh, I had to sit on a kayak in murder.

You ever sat on a kayak?

I thought you said I had to sit on the kayak in murder.

Yeah, that's what it's like.

You have to sit on a kayak in murder.

You committed to the murder.

Yeah, you committed waterborne murder.

You were skillful murder.

You could do it just at home.

A blade on the end of each of my paddles.

Yeah.

Going around just killing fish.

Just sticking people and then like going away.

But it's murder on my core

as well.

That's what you want.

You want a workout and a spree.

That's the thing.

No, no, no.

I had to sit on a kayak on a stag do.

Right.

In a kayak.

Yeah.

And go kayaking yeah in the sea in brighton yeah and it was horrible but don't you put your legs out flat on that yeah but like you've got to get your back straight because otherwise it's you can't it starts hurting right in there absolutely horrible hate it sounds good that i you know perversely that sounds like my idea of fun but i yeah you'd love it all right well sorry you don't have to sit in the booth you can sit in this kayak

when we were on tour i did force him to go swimming in the sea and it was in uh it was on the isle of mull and it was freezing cold, and there were seals in the water.

And he doesn't have

subcutaneous

protection like I have.

And so I was like, in like, it's actually quite fine.

And he was like blue and shivering, and like, I'm trying to do this for the good of the tour, the boss tormentor.

It sounds like, I mean, the more we find out, the more horrible a boss it sounds like you were.

The body of the boss getting in the water.

I really like swim with the seals.

When the seals came over to us, it felt very special.

Are you going to die, Joseph?

Just before.

I was sipping my tea in a really sort of gangland way but it was fine yeah you were trying to swim

anyway

i like swimming with the seals it was it was it was portobello that uh broke me when we swam in the sea in portobello portobello in november yeah and afterwards i felt like my heart was beating on the surface of my chest to be fair it properly was like your body was going what are you doing to me

and i remember i i did because i was driving on that tour and uh you and johnny were like oh we we gotta get to the the gig and I was like I can't feel my feet, I'm not driving yet and then when we got to the gig you did it you did a bit before me where you said this guy's a wimp just so you know

Wanna drive'cause he couldn't feel his feet

Evil boss strikes again was funny

First of all

may I get you some water?

Yeah cookie sparkling or tap am I allowed to have sparkling water?

Is it I feel like this might be a trap no it's you're like dreaming

I yeah, tap sparkling.

I mean, I think most of the time, if I was in a restaurant, I'd be like, just tap water, it's fine.

Yeah.

But I'm here.

Yeah, exactly.

I'll have sparkling.

I'll have the crystal sparkling water that you keep for special buses.

Now, watch because

I visited you this week.

Oh, yeah.

In your home, and you had sparkling water.

Yeah, we did.

I logged that.

I didn't mention it at the time, but I thought, oh, I wonder if she'll ask for sparkling water before I can.

And you have.

I do.

It's when I was a kid, if we ever went on hold.

What was weird about when I grew up is like my family at home, my mum would quite often like feed me like a dona kebab you could microwave individually or like stuff that was very sort of like 80s convenient stuff.

If we ever went on holiday, it would be to France or Spain and my mum would become this kind of 1950s

like

English woman abroad, like kind of en vivant, you know.

It's like, whenever we went to Spain, she'd be like, like in Spanish, like, agua con gas and like be really like you've got to have this incredible sparkling water you know and then we'd go back half of it it's not like yeah she'd then be like and i've brought back some brie yeah it would just be like eat the microchips yeah but when she went to france or spain it was so it still feels special then sparkling water feels like a treat even though it's water sure but i know what you mean it's still yeah it feels like a treat I wouldn't know I wouldn't normally have it, but now and again, if I do it, I'll always make the dad joke of going like, why not?

Let's splash out.

I'll have some sparkling water.

I do mean that.

These dads.

Led is going to be such a good dad.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah, they'll make the joke about sparkling water all the time.

You need to make your jokes regularly and forever.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm cool.

Hi, Cool.

I'm dad.

I haven't heard that one before.

Genuinely like that was a not only

laugh.

One of my favourites that I do now, and I'll be doing it as a dad as well, is

when they bring all the food to the table, I'll say, What's everyone else having?

Oh, lovely!

Yeah, very lovely.

Lovely.

Oh, you've just finished the whole meal.

Yeah.

Well, that was the starter dunk.

Yeah, yeah, perfect.

Perfect.

Oh,

oh, well, you finish the entire meal.

They come to pick up your plate.

Couldn't eat a mouthful of it.

Absolutely disgusting.

Yeah, that's a classic.

Oh, no, I hated that.

Hated it.

When it's Halloween, if someone's dressed up, they've got a mask on.

And then a dad had to go, Where are you putting your costume on?

Yeah.

Or they take the mask off, and they go, Take the mask off!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or

you're on the phone, you have a really long conversation, and you put it down, you go, wrong number.

Yeah, wrong number.

I do that all the time.

On that tour, you did that all the time.

Actually, when I was on tour with Greg Davis, whenever we had a meal and the waiter came over, his joke would be, oh, mine was delicious, but he ate his.

Right.

Oh, bit harsh.

Bad boss.

Bad boss.

Evil boss.

He learned everything he knows from you.

He never tried to dunk you in the sea, though, did he?

Oh, Josie.

Pop it comes off, Brett, Josie.

Popping up's off, Brett.

This has come out of nowhere.

Yeah, but it's every episode, and our producer, the great Benito, is scared every single time it happens.

And this time I saw him reach for the volume on his headphones because he thought it was coming and he got there just in time.

He's a gentle soul that you are torturing.

He is, poor old Great Benito.

That's a hard question and it's a horrible question to think of.

So

I think I'm celiac, but I haven't got the...

I feel like if I get the diagnosis, then I have to be really strict about being gluten-free.

And I just can't bring myself to do that, even though I get like massive rushes whenever I,

like I know I am, but I feel like if I don't, it's like buying glasses.

Sure.

Once you buy the glasses it's like oh I have to wear glasses whereas until then you can be like no that bus is just too far away

no one would read it

and so I'm gluten free but in like a wink wink way I'm like I'm gluten free but that's a croissant and we're in France so yeah yeah

and so like

we're not fucking about here you have to balance it with the fact that we live once and bread is the best thing in the world

yeah I would choose bread bread, and ideally, in this imaginary restaurant, it wouldn't give me the pain and distress that it does in my life.

I think that's fine.

Oh, like

St.

John, that restaurant, there's a restaurant, pardon me, two brunches, one in Spitterfield and one in Smithfield.

And they bake their own sourdough, and it's so beautiful.

And that with some salted butter.

I've been, oh, like unsalted butter.

Oh,

I was trying to write a thing of like, it's like sex without an orgasm.

And then I was like

that's not who i am doesn't sound like a crazy long joke

i mean come on

button's had sex without an orgasm but it is yeah

so yeah it would be sound

tantric butter yeah but isn't isn't the whole point of tantric sex that when you when it does happen it's like bigger as far as i understand it you can't like part of it is that some you should be happy with just doing it and not having the orgasm in the end so like like

yeah it's all about the journey sure i mean i'm not into it guys

i'm not condoning it i don't want it if anything get rid of the journey whatsoever i'll just eat a bucket of salt

oh now we're talking

um do you have any uh gluten-free bread recommendations for people listening who are looking for good gluten-free bread i really do um i they'll probably know uh there's one brand called genius uh gluten-free bread and it's it's changed the game like before before that, gluten-free bread was like this sort of powdery, sad, it was like naughty, you know, budgies have that thing in their cage, like a big bone.

Yes,

it's like a big bone, yeah.

And they like peck at the bone.

Yeah, that's what it was like before.

There is a word for it, isn't there?

But it's like a seedy bone.

No, no, not seedy, it's like white cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish, oh right.

It's the centre of they just peck on that

and a sad little life.

That's what gluten-free bread was like before Genius came along.

Genius just smashed the whole game wide open.

And as a result, everyone is like upping their game because Genius changed the game.

There's also a bakery, Chain.

I have a real vendetta against chain food, like especially chain restaurants, it makes me so sad.

But that having been said, when Peter expressed that idea in Gluten Free Pizza, I was like, I shall enter your doors.

But

there's a chain called Beyond Bread, and they do fantastic stuff.

They do things like croissants that actually taste like croissants and bread that has the real texture.

Wow.

So that's nice to recommend.

Nice that that started.

It's a good way one person upset.

It's funny how everyone else goes, oh, we can do it actually.

Yeah.

And like, it's so funny because it's something so small and so niche, but that's life-changing for the small amount of people.

It's literally like, oh, I can have toast in the morning every day.

Yeah.

Astonishing.

Also, there's some things like, it's like with vegan food getting better now.

And it's not just vegans who eat it.

You kind of want to, everyone wants to try new stuff if it's delicious.

Yes.

So like, and especially if it's more ethical.

Anyway,

I love meat.

He's put his hand up to say that.

I'm not going to paint myself as a good guy all of a sudden.

That's what went out if everyone to know.

I'm going to paint myself as a real good guy.

And actually, I'm a murderer.

Do you consider it like that?

I've got a kayak and a paddle and a

fashion some blades on my funny men.

What do you call it when I'm sticking people in the ocean?

I call it, you know, it's just part of human nature uh you're top of the food chain sometimes you've got to get in a kayak and kill some people yeah that's true

i'm for your starter josie oh so this is the one that's the most roaming but i'm i'm gonna settle it on one that's very recent but it's kind of a genre but i'm gonna settle it there's a restaurant around the corner from me and it's the closest i've got to

going to a place and them recognizing me like they know me and they know my partner and they saw me all through my pregnancy and we bring the baby in sometimes and

very recently,

maybe three months ago, for the first time since I had the baby, I went there on my own while Johnny walked the baby around the park between 6 and 7 p.m.

and I had dinner on my own in a restaurant and it was the most

incredible experience.

I was just sat there and like everything I ate was like, oh, it's the best thing I've ever eaten.

It was like the most like mindful but like beautiful experience.

I guess having the chance to take time over eating it and enjoying it after you've had a baby is quite tricky.

So, yeah.

And to be out at like, it's such a brilliant restaurant.

It's called My Neighbours the Dumplings.

And so it would be like a little basket of dumplings.

They do have a really beautiful prawn dumpling.

They started recently doing a pork kimchi dumpling that is.

That's amazing.

They do crispy prawn wontons.

Everything's delicious, but I think it would be

what I had, the first thing I had when I got there was a prawn dumpling that was really peppery.

And I remember eating it thinking, is it more peppery today or am I noticing it?

Oh, it was bliss.

And it was like so special to me.

But I would also, I always think about there's a film called Mermaids, which Cher when Ona Ryder, somebody else,

and probably a few other people.

Yeah, not just that.

It's not too happy.

And then think about the crew.

Adrian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of people.

Gaffer, the gaffer, of course.

Yeah, it would have been very short credit to have just said Cher when Ona either yeah

well done

yeah it's only ever one of them on screen because the other one's filming upwards filming doing the

light yeah

they've both got joint dops the awkward handover of the camera

keeps my

dude

also it's the 80s so there'll be a big old unit you're not about it

it's on wheels um so in that film the mum only makes starters and all my life i've like been it.

I think starters are the best.

Yeah.

They're better than everything.

You know, some people are like, starter or dessert.

Starters.

Yeah.

They're great.

They are good.

It's always more interesting.

There was a restaurant in Edinburgh for a bit that was just a starters restaurant.

Really?

But I think it's shut now.

But yeah, it was just...

I think it was called International Starters or something.

Oh, this is the other thing, dumplings.

So I love Trolley Dimpson.

I love where they just bring round more and more and they try and force it on you.

And I just end up like, yes, yes, yes.

And also, I'm not shy.

Like, say there's two left and there's three of us, I'll eat one of them.

Sure.

And if people get up to say, I'll buy a whole extra punnet.

I'm not fucking about this.

But so it would be like, I like any sort of dumpling, an international dumpling.

I like any international dumpling, any international pancake.

Oh, so

any nation's version of that food you're on board with.

Yeah, so the dumpling, you've got pierogi.

Yeah.

You've got dumplings.

Dumplings.

And that's the end of that one.

But like, you've got momos.

Momos?

Yeah.

What's a momo?

It's a Nepalese dunkling.

Lovely stuff.

What makes a Momo a Momo?

I wish that I could have thought of any joke to respond to that.

Like anything.

It wouldn't have had to be good.

It would just have to be good.

It's just rhythm.

You just need rhythm with it.

It's like practice.

And then like pancakes is a big deal because you've got like doses.

You've got injera.

Yeah.

You've got your crepe, your buckwheat crepe.

What are the ones, what are the Ethiopian ones called?

Injera.

The injera bread.

Yeah, eh, eh.

Yeah.

Plit eh.

That's the sour sponge, that's the sour sponge, right?

Yeah.

Love it.

Eat the plate.

Yeah.

Not enough places can you eat the plate?

Technically, you can in any way.

Try.

You can give it a good go.

You started eating the plate, they just have to let you get on with it.

You know those guys that eat glass?

Yep.

They could have a good go on a plate.

Yeah, they could.

Surely they could have a good go on a plate.

Yeah.

People who eat glass, you see magicians do it, and they just, when they

can't wait to freak people out, yeah.

See the look in their eye, they go, I'm about to eat the glass again.

They go out to people at a party and they drink the wine, and then they just, in front of everyone, just take a big bite out of the glass, and everyone freaks out.

I do not like people who exist to provoke,

you know?

Because here's the thing, right?

If you will go for a massage, right?

Yeah.

You would pay to go see comedy to make you feel better.

There's no provocation that you'd pay for.

Roller coaster.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

Horrifying.

So

peppery prawn dumplings.

Yeah, and it was just such a

lovely experience.

From my neighbours.

My neighbour's the dumplings.

It's in tapestry.

My neighbour's the dumplings.

You can't book, so get there early.

If you get there around 5 or 6 p.m., you might see me on my own.

Don't talk to me.

Ed took me to Ugly Dumplings.

Ugly Dumplings.

Wow, what's that?

It's a dumpling place near Carnaby Street.

Oh, I should go.

It's really nice.

Yeah, yeah.

They dessert dumplings there as well, which I know you just said, like, like start over dessert any day but i feel like it's best of both worlds a dessert dumplings you know you get both the one i like is the one that's filled with uh

blue like almost a blueberry pie filling and then there's a

creme frache kind of dip for it

very nice james is a really good person to eat with because he's one of the people i know that um both of us will do the thing where you eat a plate of one thing so it's a little plate of dumplings and then go they were really good most other people i've eaten with would be like yeah next time we come, we should have those.

But me and James will go, we want another plate of dumplings.

Oh, a hundred percent.

Absolutely.

Why?

I mean, why live on your knees mostly?

Yeah.

Why not?

Do you know who was amazing for that?

And like, I already loved her, but I was like, oh, I love you so much.

I went to dinner with Roshi and Conte, and she was like, I'm a big over-orderer.

And I was like, so yeah.

And like, if there's one thing I cannot bear, like, a restaurant is a special thing and should be.

Yeah.

So like,

don't be parsimonious when when it comes to something you know four pounds well you know who am I telex people and parsimony do whatever you want to do but like

I'd rather go less and eat more when I do go absolutely

you check your feed and your account you check the score and the restaurant reviews

you check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators so you check all that but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

There's a part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny, OCD.

I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

That's why I want to tell you about No C D.

No C D is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

They are here to help.

The main course.

Yeah.

I feel like, because if you always started your favourite, then this might be, does this feel like a bit of a step down?

Are you calling things off?

Well, it was harder to think of because I was like, well, why don't I think about, you know, really significant meals with friends and family?

And I was like, yeah, I've had them, but I couldn't couldn't like think of one thing that i was like and that blew my sucks up

and so it'd be like a combination of because i was thinking about some christmases

it's usually like me and a pal will cook christmas and with that i like really get to curate Christmas how I love.

So like always have a medual date wrapped in bacon and the bacon is always the best quality bacon from like the from borough market where it's like heavy and doesn't shrink when you cook it and like oh it crisps up and so you do your your bacon research oh yeah yeah I'm not just stepping into this cult yeah you're not you're not fucking about

devils on horseback I believe they're called aren't they yes yeah that was called a date back to bankers

on horseback that's pretty cool yeah who came up with that what intense person someone

someone from ages ago at a banquet or something probably a satanist well it must be because they're so rich and back then it would just be like you can have one but you'll die of gouts yeah, yeah, and you'll go to hell, yeah.

Because that's no, but it's like extra, isn't it?

Like, you think the devil, you think the devil's full-on, stick him on a horse, yeah, yeah, to put the devil on a horse.

I only mean he's got cloven hooves, he doesn't need a horse, yeah, he doesn't.

He has too many hooves, confusing for the horse having a hoofed animal on his back.

Yeah, it's like when the Minnie the Mouse had a pet dog,

and the only difference was Minnie the Mouse is wearing clothes.

It's like,

come on, guys, yeah, who's in charge?

And the devil looked from horse to devil, from devil to horse.

So you have devils on horseback.

On Christmas as well, a Christian festival.

You've been the devil.

So in a way, I should.

Satan into your house on Christmas Day.

There should be for Christmas called not Devils on Horseback, Jesus on Humans.

Jesus on a donkey.

Jesus has feet and hooves.

Jesus on a donkey would be like an apricot dipped in bread sauce.

It would be like very light.

Yeah, very light.

It would be like broccoli wrapped in string.

I always think, that's just reminding me of when in the sentences again, Yoko Ono, or like the Yoko Ono version when they were all in a fake band, asked for a drink in Moe's and she asked for a single pear suspended in alcohol.

That's my drink.

That isn't it.

I would like to make it.

So I think I'd have a really nice Christmas dinner.

I think, because I like a three-bird roast.

Oh.

oh, it's a murder.

What your birds?

Oh, oh, well, oh, here's another thing.

Yeah, I love game and I love rabbit.

Yeah, and I'm sorry because I try before I got pregnant, I was going down to eating meat once a week and I felt like I was getting there.

And I've managed to like mostly cut out dairy and cream cheese and stuff.

But I got pregnant and then I was just like, I need meat and I must have meat.

You've got to eat what your body craves when there's another body in your body.

I believe that's the doctor's.

Especially if you're having if you're having a bird in a bird in a bird, you got a body and a body.

Yeah, I mean, that's the only meal that you should be having.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's a satsuma that's got an orange that's got an orange in it.

Yeah, yeah.

An orange or an orange.

Everybody has to be in something.

Yeah.

That's what I devil's on horseback.

The hoof on the hoof.

A scotch egg.

Who doesn't love a scotch egg?

Who doesn't love a scotch egg?

I do love a scotch egg, especially, but once you've had a scotch egg hot,

like deep fried with the with the runny yolk, it's hard to ever have another scotch egg again.

My mouth just waters.

Yeah, it's so good.

It's the absolute best when they deep fry them and then they cut it in half, and the yolks that you know, that perfect like ramen yolk, like

sort of almost custody, like yeah.

Oh, I could change my meal.

I'll tell you my second backup in a minute, but I just remembered I did some gigs in Fukuoka in Japan, and after the gig, and it was just like I spent 24 hours in this town, and the guy who booked them is this guy called Ollie, who's like the nicest man.

And he basically gave me a dream day.

Yeah, you know, sometimes when a promoter just they just look after you so well that you look back at it and you're like, I had a week's holiday,

so he kind of like put me in a capsule hotel and took me out to karaoke, and it was just like everything I could everything you wanted, sort of a checklist for Japan.

Yeah, it was just like, we're gonna make this for you.

And after the gig, he took us out for Tonkotsu ramen, which there's a chain, small chain in London called Tonkotsu that makes this one type of ramen, and it's nice, but oh my god, it was nowhere like it was the most incredible unctuous thing and i ate the gluten noodles and i knew it was gonna hurt me

i was just eating it and the noodles were handmade like in front of everyone and the broth was like three day old pork broth that was like creamy but there was no cream in it and it had the perfect egg the perfect egg and then like this pork that was kind of crumbly but not so crumbly as that you don't enjoy the texture oh my gosh always order extra egg in a ramen oh yeah what i do Some of those, because they always give you that one half egg, and I'll at least get another half egg, probably two.

Yeah.

If you've got one and a half eggs in there, just Amyonette, shout out to Amy and Et.

Yeah.

She's the person who first sort of ordered extra egg in a ramen.

I thought, why have I not been living like this?

Yeah.

That's like a true life hack when you see someone.

It's like when you're like

in a burger place and somebody goes, oh, can you put an extra piece of cheese in?

You're like, I'm allowed to live like that?

I didn't think that was possible.

So, you haven't named your birds yet.

Oh, oh, well, okay.

Hate to pick you up.

So, it might be so.

Ramen's in that ramen is in the running now for the main.

Okay.

The birds would be like goose,

um,

partridge or pheasant, and maybe turkey for appearances, or maybe duck.

Could you want to get a light bird in there?

Yeah, but you want to get some game in there, yeah, sure.

And maybe another five-bird roast.

Let the carnage

increase.

I thought you were about to do a Paddy McGinnis.

Let the Carnage suit the carnage.

Let the Carnage suit mum's appetite.

But there was another contender, but I just couldn't get over my mixed feelings about it, which is I feel very brutal about it.

And

it really confronted me about my meat eating and did basically stop me eating meat for a while, but then the baby, and now I need to work out a way to maybe only eat meat every couple of months, but really make sure it's good and you know, all that shit is it like live dog

my mum's dog you harpooned your mum's dog

grace

i could see why that would make you confront your bird eating here's the thing i would not eat my mum's dog because she feeds it shit

she feeds her dog treats all day and all night and she feeds it pizza that poor dog it's about four years old it just wheezes around not getting eaten it knows that no walking around it's full of shit that was going to eat me

So, it was, I did this bear grills, they dropped me on an island.

And it was like a charity thing.

And basically, I felt really like no one could touch me.

Like, I appreciate this is the epitome of decadence.

People from a very rich society going, um, oh, what if, what if we didn't have enough food?

You know, but it was for charity.

I didn't get paid, I was making money.

I was like, this is not going to be an ethical problem.

I feel like it's something for the good of people.

And then we had to hunt and I was like, oh, I don't know how I feel about this.

And then we killed a crocodile and ate it.

And it just was like, it weighed on me so heavily, I couldn't bear to do it.

I couldn't bear to watch it.

I sort of went around and started crying.

I felt awful.

It felt too much.

And a lot of the chat is like, oh, if you ever killed an animal and ate it, it would be easier in a way because it would be sort of accepting what it was.

But it was so horrible.

But I swear to God, it was outright the best thing I've ever eaten in my life.

It was incredible.

It was the most wonderful meal I've ever had.

And it was partly because we haven't eaten for two weeks, but like we like cooked it on the fire and it was just that.

And it was so fresh and so beautiful.

It was like pork and fish at the same time.

And like, so in some ways it was like, well, that thing that died was the most honoured and respected thing I have ever encountered because it was like, we were so grateful.

It was so delicious.

We ate everything and we couldn't believe it.

We like feasted on it.

But at the same time, I'm like, the whole thing was an artificial experiment.

It's ridiculous.

I shouldn't have done it.

And of course, there's probably probably other ways you could honor and respect the crocodile.

Yeah, make it a hat.

Yeah, make it a hat, give it a little kiss.

Exactly.

Like, if

it's the Baptist, they said, Judy Dunch, we're going to give you a lifetime achievement award.

Honour and respect you, Dave Judy Dunch.

Please step over to this open flame.

We'll eat all of you.

We're going to eat all of you, and we're going to eat all the bits.

We're not going to waste a bit.

We're going to eat the anus.

Pork and fish at the same time.

Oh, that was more disgusting than I thought it would be.

I was just quite an individual joke.

I mean, it did come off.

It did come off the back of me saying we'd eat Judy Dunch's a.

Yeah, that was the thing.

I had that in my head that I was going to say it, and then you said that, and then you said that.

Didn't think about what I was following up.

But I want to eat a crocodile now.

Benito, venue, my kayak.

Get my kayak, Benito.

I want to kill myself a crocodile.

I don't like the royal family.

I wish they would all retire.

But I do love Judy Dunch.

She's like my queen.

and yet I must eat her.

You must eat her to truly honour and respect her.

Unlucky Dench.

So, what are you going to have?

So, your three options seem to be ramen that you had in Japan,

crocodile that you murdered and ate on the island.

I didn't murder, I was complicit in its murder, and I do you know, you watched her murder like a little freak,

and uh, and then a bird with a bird with a bird that you would have on Christmas.

Do you know?

I think I'm gonna go Christmas carnage because it's seasonal and it's such a lovely,

it's quite intense a time, and it's something that sort of, you know, when I was kind of growing up, I didn't really spend it with family so much, I spent it with friends more, and that can be quite sad and weird or whatever, and complicated for the people and stuff.

But actually, what it means is quite often you just have a wonderful time with your friends and you cook exactly as you love, and it's like such a lovely thing.

So, okay.

I'm doing that, yeah.

Christmas dinner.

Yeah.

Christmas carnage, as you know.

We have three bespros, pigs in blankets, devils on horseback, cauliflower cheese cauliflower cheese cauliflower cheese stuffing two kinds two kinds of stuffing

yes we are not fucking around roast potatoes sprouts a fucking million sprouts how are you doing your sprouts well sometimes just a plain boiled little bit of butter other times boiled and then fried with lardons and chestnuts oh yeah well i know what what i'm going for yeah

i tell you how i i mean have anybody talked about sprouts on the podcast before do the nigel slater version which is roast them.

So cut them in half, olive oil, salt and pepper.

Stick them into roast for half an hour.

About 15 minutes later, you put bits of bacon in, like lardons.

Five minutes before the end, pine nuts.

Throw those in.

So you've got

bacon roasted.

And you leave on all the outer leaves and they go really crispy.

And then grated parmesan on the top.

Oh, wow.

Phenomenal.

That does sound good, actually.

But it would become, for me, I'd have to do that as well as what I already do.

Oh, yeah.

But that sounds like a good Christmas dinner because you've cut out any of the weird bits that people put in that they feel like they have to put in.

You've just

100% deliciousness, even just like a boiled carrot or something, where you're like, okay, well, I need to eat a bit of this with Christmas dinner.

Yeah, yeah, I better eat a vegetable.

Yeah, yeah, better eat something.

I would have forgot the best, the most glorious element of the Christmas dinner: roast parsnips.

Yeah,

but roasted in animal fat.

I'm sorry, roasted in animal fat.

Crocodile fat.

I kept myself a flask.

You've got a big flask, but I never respect you, crocodile.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas again, Snappy.

Well, that sounds delicious.

That sounds like a very good Christmas dinner.

Now, you have to choose a side dish as well.

You know, you've got a lot of side dishes in there anyway.

Yeah, I'd have to devils on horseback.

Devils on horseback.

I think that counts as a side.

That's a big old one.

There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny, OCD.

I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

That's why I want to tell you about No C D.

No CD is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

They are here to help.

We get it.

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To drink.

Oh, I find this really difficult.

And do you know what I was thinking?

It's because I have this idea of when you have a cocktail.

Yeah.

And the idea of when you have a cocktail is so much nicer than any cocktail I've ever had.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean?

I totally know what you mean.

I'm always like, oh my God, we'll go for cocktails.

It feels like an event, and you always imagine.

I imagine myself drinking a cocktail like I'm watching myself from outside my own body.

I'm like, that guy is so sophisticated.

Yes.

Look at him.

He's like, he's from Mad Men and the cocktail's brown and he's sat in the past.

Yes, but then you sip, if you exactly, there's like two or three types of cocktails, and one of them is like that, like the sort of 50s martini, sippy, bitter.

And I think to myself, I'll have that be sophisticated.

I try and have it, and it's like, I can drink about three millilitres at a time, and I'm like, oh, I'm so thirsty.

Or like

a fruity cocktail, and you're like, oh, so refreshing and delightful and like full of different notes of flavour, you know, or have like lyche and rose water.

And then it's just, it's just never right you know too sweet a lot of the time oh yes mega sweet or just too one note or too many notes like i just can not enough notes so it's like what i want is a cocktail and i want that person to like look into my mind yes see what i want and give it to me without even me knowing like there's a guy called felix and he runs a bar that used to be a pop-up bar and now it's a real bar and it's called uh every cloud and he's a cocktail waiter and he is amazing it's the most the best cocktails i've ever had So, I'll get him to do it, but I don't know enough what I want.

You don't know, yeah.

I'm the same in that I know what I like, but I'd have to drink it to know it properly.

And I can't articulate myself to be like a bit smoky.

I like it a bit smoky.

I just want to feel like I'm in mad men,

but I don't want to feel like the sadness of mad men.

No, I want to feel like cool mad men.

I want to feel like Don Dreper for the first couple of episodes.

I want to feel like pilot Don Dreper.

you're not season six

oh man i've never seen mad men oh it's really good i haven't seen the last one

what you should do is jump in with something you have seen yeah yeah yeah oh like your 70 sam

what i want is a 10 gallon hat

i um i love a rob roy What's that?

It's a whiskey cocktail with vermouth and bitters.

And

I love it because the first time I drank it, it was how I imagined whiskey to taste before I drank whiskey.

So when you see someone drinking whiskey and you think, oh, I bet that's really like, I don't know, just delicious and a bit sweeter than it is.

And then you have whiskey for the first time.

You're like, why would anyone do that?

And no, I like whiskey.

But like,

yeah, a Rob Roy tastes like how I imagine it to taste, like a sweeter, but like still boozy and like, you know, still tell you're drinking whiskey.

I really like them.

But then that's the worst is it.

It's quite easy to make yourself.

And when I learned how to make it myself, and I'd been bought some vermouth and some bitters for Christmas.

Also, the mixer is booze.

It's like a negroni.

The mixers are all booze.

That is deadly because you're like, delicious cocktail.

Dead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A martini is the one I can guarantee.

Like, I do like a martini before a meal.

If I'm having a big night and the main bit of the night is the meal, always vodka martini.

That's lovely.

Love it.

So you're not having a cocktail for.

Look.

I'm saying the Barman needs to make me what I want.

Right, okay.

You would like the Barman's choice.

Yeah.

We can put that down.

We can put down Barman's Choice cocktail.

Oh, no, it's a sock full of eggs.

The Barman's mad.

These are more devils on horseback.

Oh, I love that.

It has glasses of sparkling water.

Yeah, which plends them up for me.

Here's a martini I had once.

It was.

So you know,

a dirty martini, like with an olive, but they put some of the olive juice in.

Yes, lovely.

Really nice.

I had a dirty oyster martini.

So instead of the olive, it was an oyster.

Better not be what I thought it was

with some of the water from the oyster juice poured in.

And just 50 pearls.

Was it nice?

Yeah.

No, it wasn't.

It was the nice extra thing I've ever had in my life.

I've never had it again.

It's not like I've gone to any other bar and gone, you've got any oysters back there?

I've written all a dirty oyster martini.

But this was in Bob Bob Ricard.

I don't know how it's been there, which is like

deliberately over-the-top stupid restaurant.

It's not like Duck Duck Goose.

It's exactly like Duck Duck Goose.

Yeah, every three tables I have to run around the room.

It's Duke Duck Goose restaurant, is what it was.

There's a button that says press for champagne.

It's very silly.

Yeah, it's just.

Yeah, it's really silly.

Wow.

And do the people then bring you the champagne or do you press the button and it comes up the wall?

It's like one of those joke buzzers.

Yeah, that's what I imagined.

I went there with my dad and we were like, oh, we've got to press it.

And the guy came over and he was like hello so do you want some champagne or because people just press that button

no we would and he was like what sort of champagne do you want so it's basically you just get the waiter over he asks what champagne you want and then if you want more you press the button and they bring you more of a sound so you have to set up the system i see that's all right

some of the sheen has gone for me yeah yeah it's basically there for people to take pictures of and put on instagram i think i prefer if it was one of those you know those wide taps where it comes out like a little mini waterfall.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah.

I'd like that in the wall, and it's champagne, and you just press the button and it just pours out like that, and you get to hold your glass there.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good business practice.

Do you remember the first time you saw that?

Speaking of the customer.

Do you remember the first time you saw a tap like that in somebody's house?

Yeah.

Absolutely astonishing.

Just having to negotiate how do you use this?

Some of them are really hard.

Some taps...

Some taps are like a little joystick in the top.

Well, taps and showers in other people's houses are a nightmare.

Oh, showers in other people's.

Why bother?

How do people shower?

People who aren't me, how do they shower?

Do you know?

I still miss one,

two,

three rental properties ago.

Yeah.

I had the best shower of my life.

I think of it every day.

What kind of a shower was it?

Was it a bath?

It was an above bath.

Can you believe that would be the best?

It's just an above bath.

Flip the switch.

The pressure, the heat.

It wasn't a big like dump, the rain dumper.

No, I hate those.

The rain dumper?

Yeah, I hate those.

Rainforest showers.

What are they called?

Rainforest showers.

Rainforest showers.

Rain dumper.

Last time I had one of them,

it was like my first time I used that wide tap.

I thought it was amazing.

All your comparisons have to be within the bathroom sphere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like,

I couldn't believe it.

But you don't like them, you don't like them.

No, because you need to be able to take the shower head.

Wash your bits.

Not bad.

I'm a woman.

You can't wash your bits.

Yeah, that's fair play.

I've never washed them.

I've washed my bits before.

Yeah.

Do a handstand.

You can't wash your bits.

Do a handstand.

Leave it up in the rainforest.

Your bits, pits, and tits.

That's a name of your restaurant, isn't it?

Bits, pits, and tits.

What's up the menu?

Cock and arm?

Nothing else?

Right, so you would like the Barmer's Choice cocktail?

Yes, please.

No problem.

Do you even know the spirit base that you'd want?

Sometimes they ask you that, yeah.

I would, it wouldn't be whiskey it wouldn't be vodka but you've liked whiskey in the past i don't know

yeah i do love whiskey on its own and i love like a little flask of whiskey if you're if you're outside overnight let's say camping a flask of whiskey most wonderful thing especially if you're sending young lads in to do outside swimming they need a bit of whiskey yeah absolutely a dram yeah you need a dram if you get a drive

a reviving dram

yeah uh so it might be i think it'll probably be gin or tequila but like a really nice good tequila.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So light.

We got lost after that swim as well.

We got lost in the woods.

Oh, yeah.

No, that was on.

Oh, no, it was afterwards.

It was really scary.

The one with the seals, yeah.

Then, with our map, I mean, admittingly, our map was a tourist map that just had a picture of the theatre roughly on the plate, on the page.

But our map took us the wrong way, and we had to stop because two stags walked into the road.

Do you remember that?

And it was at sunset.

It was so, it was such an image.

Yeah.

It was our first gig of the tour, and we thought we were not going to get there.

Yeah.

Because we went swimming with seals, then got lost in the woods.

I had to climb a tree and look above the tree line

to see where our car was.

I thought we're going to be sleeping in these woods.

This tour's not happening.

Two stags.

And also, it set such a precedent that was never quite.

There was a time when me and Johnny nearly got hypothermia in the middle of a lake in the peak district.

Oh, gosh.

But apart from that, like the drama level was like...

We crashed a car, Joseph.

I mean, to be fair, we did.

To be completely centered.

There it was.

Yeah, same tour.

We had a very dramatic car crush.

It was a very dramatic tour.

We both spoke about it on the mold.

Yeah, we talked about it.

Everyone knows about the car crush.

Which I forgot about that because I was like, well, we couldn't have bested the drama of a stag.

Saw two stags, so that was about the height of the drama.

And we nearly died.

We nearly died.

What a boss you are.

Listen to me.

Speaking of death, we come to dessert.

The death of the meal.

The death of the meal.

We just always want to snow that.

You said, so you said starter over dessert anytime, but are you a dessert fan?

Yeah,

yes, I am.

But like, historically, I've sort of tried to not eat as much desserts due to like being

technically insulin resistant.

But it doesn't really, like, it does, obviously it's real, but like, it's a little bit of a drink.

Yeah, but I've got insulin and a, I've got, you know, insulin in a pen that I can.

So you've got.

So there's no worries here.

you've got yeah yeah yeah the bio that you film with insulin yeah

yeah so I could like

sort of yep my body I think is just a bit like this doesn't quite

just doesn't quite pedal properly so I should avoid it but so I do it but what it means is quite often I'll like go for the trees which see but this is the first no this is the first time that someone has said said that on this podcast

and I am completely with you if you've had a big meal yeah I don't necessarily want

to be sweet and rich at the end.

No.

So I will, after James is so angry,

I will go for the cheese, and I completely agree with you.

Me too, it's delicious.

And also, the cheese is such a sharing thing.

You'll have like little figs and grapes and different types of thing, and you can give people a little bit and you can share.

But I was thinking about the most delicious dessert I've ever had.

But it's good.

It's a bit weird for me because the name of it, I think, is like a bit offensive.

I don't know.

It's from my childhood in Kent, which, you know, know, that in itself.

I can't really imagine what this is going to mean.

No, it's not.

I mean, I think it is a word that people use, but I also think it's sometimes a word that people don't like being referred to as themselves.

But I think there's TV shows with the word in, so people might be doing it.

So it's called gypsy tart.

Okay.

So I don't think it is, but like, but I think, like, I was thinking about it and I was like, oh, I hope that the word isn't an offensive word.

I don't fully...

I don't think I fully appreciate the discourse around that word.

I think you sound like somebody who doesn't want to offend anyone.

Yeah, I think.

Yeah, that's my main thing.

You said all of that.

The world of puddings

is one of the last culinary bastions to become woke.

Yeah, true.

Such a decadent world.

I think you built that up.

I was really worried about what you were going to say.

Yeah, yeah.

I think maybe I've been worried too much about it.

Here we go.

As if I'd be like, guys,

here's my new edge of direction.

No, it's called Gypsy Tart.

And what it was was like a shop.

We used to have it in primary school, and I yearned for it.

It's like a shop-bought

pastry base.

Base.

I was looking at you like, please help me.

And inside, it's got like this, it's like between a meringue and treacle, and it's brown and it's airy, and it's kind of, it's just delicious brown, sugary

gunk.

I think I know what you mean.

I think I know what you mean as well.

Yes.

Oh, whipped.

Oh, my God.

It's got a treakly edge to it.

Is it butterscotchy?

Is it sort of...

A little.

Or more treakly, a little bit more.

A little bit of what I'm thinking of, it's just called like butter tart or something, or like a.

Is there a thing called butter tart?

Am I going correctly?

Do they like being called butter?

I'm gonna.

I don't know.

Right.

I think it's like butter tart.

Yeah, no, definitely.

I'm thinking of butter tart that's

that are normally.

Am I safe to Google gypsy tart?

Oh god, suddenly realised that there could be some awful things.

I'm gonna put safe search on it.

Oh no, no, so I've not had this.

This is what you mean.

This looks like what you've just described.

Hang on, I wanna have a

and also Sainsbury's do one.

Oh

no, it's a recipe though, no I didn't.

Sainsby's do the recipe, but they're still calling it that.

Evaporated milk.

So yeah.

Yeah.

It originates from the county of Kent.

Yeah, that's good.

It originates from the county of Kent.

All my life I've been like, from Kent, it's shit, there's nothing there.

Now I can say gypsy tart.

People will say, the word is problematic.

Evaporated milk, muscovado sugar, though some varieties include light brown sugar and pastry.

There's your ingredients.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Apparently.

Wow.

Bam, bam, bam.

Oh, I just can't tell you how gorgeous it is.

It does sound like it's associated with school dinners.

It was!

My story checks out.

It's crazy.

I was sitting here going, I can't believe she's made up a dessert.

Yeah, just so she can get some of her views out.

Made one up just so she couldn't say the G word.

And now we're looking at Wikipedia and she's gone to the trouble of making a Wikipedia page.

I was just about to say, Dom, look at the editors.

Edited by Josie Long 20 minutes ago.

Anger, we were talking 20 minutes ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kayak, kayak, kayak.

Would you have anything with the tart?

Is there ice cream or cream or...

Oh, wow.

I suppose it's quite a dairy-based tart anyway, isn't it?

It's quite rich.

But yeah, perhaps a little spray.

Oh, do you know what I'd have, if we're going to go there, I'd have squirty cream?

Why not?

When did everyone last have squirty cream?

Not recently enough.

Now, when you mind squirty cream just then, you mind squirting it directly into your mouth.

Yeah.

Are you that sort of person?

Yeah, well, I

actually, so me and my friend Tasha, when we were about 16, 17, she had a part-time job in Sainsbury's on the fish counter, which led to her becoming a qualified butcher and fishmonger.

Wow.

But that's not what she does for a living now.

But it's nice to have those

pockets.

She's got stream to her bone.

And what we used to do is, I used to meet her at the Tesco's in Pench after she finished her shift, and we would both buy a can of squirty cream.

And then we would have a duel where we'd like walk five paces and they'd spray each other and have a big fight.

I love it.

We did that about once a week for about six months.

Brilliant.

And we'd use up a whole can, and yeah, you'd obviously eat it too.

But it meant that one of my favourite coats was really cheesy.

Yeah, and that's the one you've just found under the bed.

Yeah, yeah.

The cheesy old coat.

Yes, as I say, six years ago when I was 16.

So let's go through your meal.

I'll just read it back to you so you can confirm this is your order before I go and tell the kitchen.

We order the whole meal before you have one thing.

So you would like some sparkling water.

Yes.

You would like some bread.

And you said you wanted this salmon dough bread.

Salty butter on it.

From St.

John.

St.

John.

Starter, you would like dumplings, prawn dumplings from.

My neighbour's the dumplings, I read.

My neighbour's the dumplings.

May, you'd like Christmas carnage, bea bird roast, side dish, devils on horseback.

Of course.

For your drink, you'll like the barber's choice, cocktail, but you would like tequila

as your or gin.

Do you know I'm gonna go gin because already the variety we've already had is making me feel a little nauseous.

And for dessert you would like the gypsy tart.

Wib squirty cream.

That sounds incredible.

Yeah, it's a little good meal.

But when we bring you the gypsy tart we will bring a can of squirty cream on the side and the waiter will also have a can, and you can duel pre-dessert.

I remember I'm the waiter.

I mean,

press a button if you want me to come home and have a duel.

A little button, it says

press here for a dual.

When I come over, I'm like, right.

What's funny about that is it would be a really fun gimmick if somebody brought you out a can of squirty cream to your table.

Yeah, it would be expensive for the restaurant, but it no, I think you'd have to get your own made for the restaurant so it looked like

you're because it couldn't just be like there from the shops, it would have to be like our squirty cream.

Yeah, like a posh hipstery can of squirty cream.

Yeah.

That'd be good.

I mean, Ed, I can't really see us doing this podcast and then not opening a restaurant.

A pop-up restaurant.

Yeah.

I think we're going to have a restaurant and that'll be one of the things that will happen.

Yeah.

Well, also, say when you've done 10, you could pick five of your favourite dishes.

Yeah.

Do that at the pop-up restaurant.

Oh, that should be the whole menu should just be

all from the podcast.

It's really good.

That meal sounds delicious.

Thanks, guys.

It's been a real pleasure.

Oh, no worries, boss.

See you again.

Thank you very much, Josie.

Josie Long, everyone.

Danapatitio.

That's what I'm going to say at the end now.

That's good.

I like that.

Danapetitio.

That was Josie Long.

Wonderful guest.

What a great guest.

What a great order.

Yeah, lovely meal.

And, crucially, no mention of bay leaves.

Congratulations, Josie.

Joshi.

Joshi, that's her.

That's her.

For the listener, I should say that I've just started wearing braces.

Not even a joke.

I know it's hard to know what about me is real and what isn't.

Yeah.

I'm a genie waiter, and now I wear braces.

Yeah, you are wearing braces, you're not a genie.

Yeah, but that's why I said Joshi.

Joshi.

In case you've just tuned in now for whatever reason, we haven't just interviewed the dinosaur from Mario Kart.

No, no, no.

Although one day, good guess, that would be.

That would be an amazing guest.

Great guest.

No, that was Josie Long, and she had a wonderful meal and didn't mention the secret ingredients, bay leaves.

Although I think maybe you would use bay leaves in the cooking of the Christmas dinner, maybe.

Yeah, so lucky that she didn't mention that.

It wasn't a crucial element.

Get into specifics.

Yeah.

Joshua, she didn't get into specifics.

I say, I share.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Especially from Joshua.

If you like the work of Josie Long, she has made a short film.

Could Super November, and it will be touring cinemas and available online soon.

So, keep an eye out for that, please.

In terms of me, Ed Gamble, I'll be touring around the country with my stand-up comedy and the show, Blizzard.

That's what I should, I should walk out to that.

If you'd record that for me, I will just recorded it.

Yeah, perfect.

Ladies and gentlemen, please order the stage, Ed Gamble,

perfect.

So, that's all over the country.

I've started already.

If you're listening to this now,

which you are, it's impossible to not listen to this now.

But

I have started already.

So go on my website, edgamble.co.uk, and check out where I am near you.

And bloody come.

See what he's doing.

I'm touring a show called Cold Dazania Hank Myself 1999.

Also,

Mamma Media.

Also,

on Dave.

Hypothetical, a new show that myself and Josh Woodigam are hosting.

Please watch that.

You can follow us on Twitter

at off menu official and

on the gram

on the gram on the gram insta instagram uh at off menu official as well uh please like and subscribe this podcast i'm saying like i don't even know what you do that's more youtube videos just as long as you subscribe write a good old review write a nice review five stars five stars don't be stingy come on You're not a real reviewer.

Just give it five stars.

Tell your friends about it.

Uh, keep listening, loads more brilliant guests coming up.

But for now,

we'll see you next week.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.