Ep 10: Lou Sanders

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

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Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Hello and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, the podcast that is food.

Talking about food, talking to people about their favorite food.

My name is James Acaster.

With me is Ed Gamble.

Hello.

I was trying to come up with a sort of tagline for the podcast, and all I came out with was the podcast that is food.

That's good.

The podcast that's so delicious you could eat it.

The podcast that is food is good.

Right, okay.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Welcome to the podcast.

No?

Not happy with that?

No.

I don't like that one.

Yum, yum, yum.

Welcome to the podcast.

Well, I like it, so I'm going to say it.

Yum, yum, yum, welcome to the podcast.

And we're recording in a new location today, James.

Yeah, we're at my flat, and I don't have any furniture yet, so it is a little bit echoey.

So

apologies.

Apologise for that.

Apologise.

i don't think i okay well i'm sorry james hasn't bought any furniture yet thank you it's a nice flat though you've done what done well for yourself thank you so much i'm so happy here it doesn't the way you said that didn't make it sound like you were happy i am happy you're my first guest so it feels real special to be able to show people around the flat but yeah i really need some furniture do you need some furniture because otherwise i've got it ordered but it just takes a while to arrive yeah how long's the sofas taken

i ordered them a month ago another two weeks it's going to be until i get the sofas.

That seems a long time for a sofa.

Do they have to build it, I guess?

Apparently.

Well, I don't know what it is that means it takes so long, but be warned.

If you are ever ordering a sofa, it takes a lot longer than you think.

And people don't tell you that.

And they don't think ahead.

They don't think, well, he might be recording a podcast, so it's going to sound a bit echoey.

We'll sound a bit echoey in there.

They don't think about that.

And then you're left with an echoey podcast, especially when your guest is comedian extraordinaire Lou Sanders.

A little gap there, wasn't there?

I I was thinking if I could add any other caveats in any other things.

She's a wonderful comedian.

She's been on TV.

She does brilliant shows.

Her show this year at the Edinburgh Festival was one of the funniest shows that I saw, I think.

Such a funny show.

Yeah.

So funny.

She's just so funny.

And we had her on to tell us what her best starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Ah.

We did.

And I would say she lived up to all my expectations in terms of what she picked.

Yeah.

It's probably the most, I mean, I don't want to, don't want to spoil anything, but it's probably all together the most odd meal we've had.

It's the most chaotic thing since Brexit.

Well, hopefully this podcast comes out while Brexit is still chaotic.

Yes.

Because they might have sorted it out.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, that was also some satire because I never saw that.

Bloody mass out.

Very good.

Save it for Mop the Week, lads.

There's a secret ingredient, and if Lou picks it, she is off the podcast.

She's going to kick her out of the the restaurant.

And what is it this week?

Poppy seeds.

Poppy seeds.

I hate poppy seeds in a cake.

They get stuck in your teeth.

I hate it.

They're not a flavor.

They don't add anything to a cake.

I hate lemon and poppy seed cake.

And they go, would you like this lemon and poppy seed cake?

No, I'd like a lemon cake.

Why are you putting poppy seeds?

I completely agree.

All it does is makes it weirdly crunchy for some bites.

Yeah.

And then it just gets in your teeth.

You look like a madman.

Yeah, it's not like it looks any nicer.

Here's Lou.

Oh, here we are with Lou Saunders.

You sound very elated about it.

I am.

Welcome to the restaurant, Lou.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome to me.

Now, before we started recording, James very rudely asked you if you knew what this was or whether you prepared anything.

It's an audio recording for entertainment purposes based around the food medium.

Medium.

It's food and medium.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's based around the food medium.

I think so.

I like food.

Okay, so shoot me dead.

I do.

I do.

How long have you liked food for?

Since I came out my mum was poop-pole.

Since you've come out of your poop, you poop-pole.

Okay, you've liked food since you've come out of your mum's poop-pole.

Yeah, no, I like...

It feels like we should be told about that, really.

You know,

the other week I went back from football and I had this vegan snack in that shop in Crystal Palace shop in Crystal Palace station.

Crystal Palace shop.

Crystal Palace shop.

We all know Crystal Palace shop.

It's inside the palace, isn't it?

I'm thinking trains.

I'm thinking shops.

I'm thinking put them together.

Train station shop.

Thank you.

And I ate this thing that was supposed to be vegan.

And then I was like, oh, I can taste meat.

I can definitely taste meat.

And I could taste the flesh in my, like the flesh of meat.

And then I said, I think they've got confused and mixed up.

And she said, oh, maybe they got switched around.

The most evil trick in the world.

And then I was sick in the bit.

But when I'm sick in that way, that I really like,

like, think about something gross, and then I'm sick.

sick like once my friend was telling me a rimming story I was sick in the street anyway you were hang on you were sick in the street yeah I was sick in the street and this lovely Japanese man could just kept offer me tissues and I and I was but but the thing is it's so unladed actually you heard a story about rimming yeah no but it was really gross the details

onto your starter

That's my starter, that's my homework starter.

No, but it was really gross.

And then I go,

that's what I was doing in the bin of this cafe.

It's only a small cafe.

And everyone's looking at me.

And And I thought, was their fault for mixing up the produce?

Anyway, it turns out I was vegan in the end.

Happy story.

Why could you feel flesh on your...

You were fighting your own cheeks.

It tasted...

No, it tasted real meaty.

And it was like, I was like, it tastes and smelled meaty.

Was it jackfruit?

Oh, no, but that, I mean, that's very alla mode, isn't it?

That means fashionable in French.

It doesn't.

Doesn't it?

A la mode off the fashion.

Oh, yeah, you know, it does, actually.

How do you say fashionable?

In the fashion.

how do you say fashionable in french

when you've got it

in america it means um with ice cream alamode

oh yeah that's true is it true yeah but hang on america you say

i would say with ice cream little miss sunshine is what i'm thinking of seen in little miss sunshine where she orders the ice cream alamode

so look you love food yeah you love food you were once sick when you thought you were eating something that wasn't vegan yes and you hate rimming these are all things i don't hate rimming okay i just

think

i just she's not signing off on it

i'm not saying yes or no but i'm just saying there's a way about it and this story was the way about who told you the story amy hogger big shout out

big shout out to

big shout out to amy hoggart she lives in new york now yeah

rimming away rimming the statue oh she was oh she was

she wasn't the perpetrator.

Okay.

Or the victim.

Or the Rimmy.

The victim you were about to say, weren't you?

Yeah, but I don't mean that.

Hey, everyone's free to do what they want.

I mean, you dine out wherever you choose.

But it was just

details, okay?

Sure, sure, sure.

After a shower, yes, anything goes.

Yeah, sure.

But then probably has to have another shower, right?

Well.

When?

Otherwise, it's just a constant cycle of.

I mean, at some point, you'll always need another shower.

And that's my rules for life.

But you have not chosen to dine out at the butthole this evening you have chosen to dine out at our dream restaurant

wow

oh james

james is a genie as well oh you need to know that that's cute james is the waiter and he is a genie so he'll be taking your order you can get any meal you want any dish you want because i'm a genie and a waiter and i tell you what lou

Normally we have to do a lot more explanation, but I knew that this episode you would just take that on board immediately and be like yeah of course he's a genius in a way which I appreciate and also this is really good for me because when I go to a restaurant usually everyone makes fun of me to try to make it treat trying to make the menu my own trying to make it better in a way

trying to upgrade it and then like I went for breakfast with my nephews the other day I've got so much stick they were like oh just because I was asking about vegan options which in 2018 I don't think is unreasonable I don't have a problem with asking about vegan options Lou but I've been for many meals with you and you definitely you are a menu alterer.

Yeah.

You will say can I have

this but with all of the elements change fucking original any problems?

You're a pain in the ass at a rush.

How old are your nephews?

11 and 12.

Yeah they're not putting up with that are they?

No.

But also they're little pigs.

Yeah.

They don't know nothing.

Including a tweet once complaining that they snitch on you when you swear.

But also

they don't know nothing.

If they were left to their own devices, they'd have a litre of Coke a day.

Yeah.

What do do they know about fine cuisine?

Headlines we need to cover.

You're vegan.

Yeah.

I'm damn sexy.

Yeah.

That comes across in your voice.

Don't have to tell a listener that.

Here's something we haven't ironed out.

Jeannie Waiter slash James Ocaster.

Hello.

Can Lou order non-vegan things in the fancy restaurant and they don't harm any animals?

Please say yes.

So for the taste, yeah, I could say yes.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm having prawns, I'm having clams.

But my own meat, because meat does make me feel gross.

But I would have prawns and clams, because clams haven't even got a face when you think about it, and I just have.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Get into them.

And that's the issue, is it?

Face or not face?

Like prawns I love, but I don't want the remnants of...

I don't want their little legs.

Actually, I've gone off them now.

The more I'm vegan, the more I go off the...

Little legs.

Their little legs and eyes and that.

Yeah.

I think some people love the sort of love being like, you know, they love the blood on stuff because it makes them feel powerful.

No, no, no,

no, just tastes good.

No, you love it.

I've seen you get prawns and bite the legs off and throw the rest away.

That's true.

That's what I do.

Prawn legs, please.

Still spark some water.

I love, I'll have still water, please.

Why?

Why is that your choice?

I don't like the bubblies.

I don't like the bubblies.

Uh-huh.

And um.

You got a song about that, haven't you?

I don't know why.

No one's asked me that before, and I don't think I've got an answer.

You've never thought about why you don't like bubbles in your water?

Why fill up on bubbles when you can fill up on food?

Ah, interesting.

I do agree.

I do agree with that.

Is that how bubbles work?

You fill up on bubbles?

Yes.

I'm not a doctor, but yes.

Okay.

I am a doctor.

Oh, I didn't know that about you.

Yeah, I am.

I'm a doctor of you.

Tomogeni, you're a doctor.

Loser Doctor of Love.

I put my hand up for that one.

You did put your hand up, didn't you?

I'm a doctor of bubbles.

Yeah.

Let's move on.

okay so you find still water we'll get that for you um

oh no ice no ice loads of lemons oh i'll write that down no ice loads of lemons

uh next poppin' um bread lames

Poppin' umz on bread.

Okay.

What kind of bread is it?

You can't say popped ums or bread just like that.

You've got to.

Any bud you want?

Oh, then I want warm bread and I want it

doughy.

No one's ever specified doughy bread before.

No one's ever said, can I choose the type of bread?

And then gone, I'd like it warm and doughy.

As if that's a type.

I thought you were going to say tiger bread.

I love tiger bread.

I love tiger bread so much.

I'm going to actually think about it.

I want tiger bread or some rolls that or some rolls that like have got little bits in them, but they're savoury it's it's amazing tomatoey bits in that you demanded to know the type of bread and then you don't really seem to know the difference well i thought he would surprise no but he could come with a menu of bread and then i'd be like yes i never feel about that olive bread with us another one oh delicious you know if i saw that on the menu i'd say yes get me the one bread what would you want you want warm tiger tiger bread or you want warm olive bread with olives and

olive bread but it's like tiger bread at the same time Oh,

you can whip that out.

And I want butter, but no cows have been harmed.

Yeah, I can do that for you.

No tigers have been harmed either when we were making the tiger.

Thank you.

And we can bring in the cow and tiger and they can tell, they'll be able to tell you that everything's fine with you.

And can I have a ride around on them?

Yeah, of course you can.

In between courses.

What you'd not like to ride on a cow or a tiger.

I just think that sounds cruel.

Oh, sounds a bit cruel.

We're not in the fancy restaurant because they're happy with it and we're friends.

Okay, yeah.

They're loving it.

Okay.

Especially the tiger.

Last time he got ridden around was he can't remember.

He's been in the zoo the whole time.

People are scared scared of him, he just wants to connect.

No, this is the tiger from the tiger who came to tea.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, no,

that's such a shit book.

I was really disappointed with it.

It's a bit of a scary book, actually.

Sorry, sorry, Zero, you got your hopes up with that.

Yeah, you're really looking forward to that, wait.

Queued outside like it was Harry Potter.

What starter would you like?

If I can have anything, I'm having mules marinette.

No, I'm having uh, what's mules marinet?

No, I want the one in the white wine cream sauce.

Mool's marinette.

Mool's marinette.

So, hold on.

Did you have this in a specific place?

Did I?

Because I can get it for you from anywhere.

The best place you've had.

Oh, Valdaza!

Now, did you pluck that just from the East?

I've been to Valdazaire, babe, a few times.

Have you had moles in Valdaza?

Yes, yes, of course.

Does that know what moles is?

Mooles marinette.

Yeah, what's moles marinet?

Mussels.

Oh, okay.

You want some mussels?

Mussels in white wine and

love.

he doesn't know he's French, does he?

He's very much tended to a League of Gentlemen characters.

You want muscles in...

You'd know them as

muscles ooh la la.

Ooh la la mussels.

But you know, mussels.

They come in the tiny bit.

You've got the creamy white wine sauce or shallots.

And they're all just like...

Bobbing around in there soaking all the sauce.

If they're closed, because that's when you poop.

Yeah.

Don't eat them when they're closed.

Really?

Is that the rule?

You shouldn't.

If you're cooking mussels, if one's closed when they've not been cooked, you should throw it away

because they should open.

Okay.

When they're alive, they should be open.

And then you knock them on the side and then they close up.

Right.

And then if you cook them and they don't open, then throw them in the bin because they're going to make you poop.

I guess we should all be open in a way.

And that's a lovely message.

And if you're not, the other person will poop.

Yeah, that's true.

Do you mean you get food points in?

That's why you poop.

I'm a little bit more.

I don't mean you just generally poop.

I feel that'd be quite helpful.

Yeah, I quite like it.

I love pooping.

Yeah, who doesn't like a poop?

Where did you say?

Baldazare?

Have you been there?

Yes, I've been at snowboarding, of course.

But you're a cool snowboarder.

Yeah, I'm really cool.

I didn't know that.

Oh, that was the subtext, all right?

I'm so glad someone's picked up on it.

No, I've been, I've had moles.

I've had

moles marinae in a few places, I imagine.

How long have you been vegan?

Hang on.

If I had a bigger vegan one, though, I would go with, and this might be a dish I'm making up, but broccoli souffle, vegan broccoli souffle.

Something like this.

It's cheeky, but it's good for you.

You can put them together.

Love it.

Must be your dream meal.

You just think, I'd like a broccoli souffle.

It's a dream meal, yeah.

Where else am I going to get one?

Do you think it's possible to make a vegan souffle?

Yeah.

Bearing in mind it's mainly egg white, right?

Ah, no, I've not made a souffle.

That's how you make it fluffy.

Yeah, but you can have egg substitutes because I

saw it on Instagram the other day.

Make a souffé with those so it rises and stuff.

You're really making me mad now.

You said I could have anything I wanted.

Yes, absolutely.

Suddenly all the laws are coming out.

I can have ethical morse mariné and a cow to ride on, but suddenly the broccoli souffé, there's a limit on it.

You could make it.

I could probably make it.

Yeah.

So what do you want to start though?

Do you want morse marinet or do you want the broccoli souffé that you've made?

Both both, both, both.

Can't have both.

I don't think you can have both.

Oh, right, then I'll have the the broccoli souffle.

So you've changed your mind from something that you've had in the past and you like to something that you think would be nice, but you've never had.

Out with the old, in with the new.

I just find it amazing that you've created a dish from your imagination, which is great.

You've completely invented this broccoli souffle, but if you're using your imagination, why are you putting broccoli in it?

Because I like healthy food mixed with...

So my favourite thing is like loads of veg, but mixed with like cheese and cream, vegan cheese and cream, you can do that.

And like olives.

So you think, oh, I'm getting my five a day, but I'm having fun in the meantime okay you um that's my dream you cooked me um a vegan pizza i thought this might i didn't think this was a deconstructed vegan pizza wasn't it yeah

i made up my own rule i did think this will come up but can i just say yeah that i then went on i didn't stop there a lot of people

a lot of people they would have stopped for the listener uh lou is laughing because the vegan pizza was shit it was bad but it was really bad it was like i quite liked the taste of it like separately, all the bits separately.

The topping was nice.

Yeah, the topping was nice.

The topping was nice, but the topping was just stuff, wasn't it?

Excuse me.

The base was like corner shop sponge cake.

Look, I'm a victim of my own ambition because I tried to make the base as well.

Okay.

Yeah, sure, sure.

But anyway, then I made pizza again for Jen, Jenny Bede.

She's not called Jen.

She doesn't like me called Jen.

Big shout out to Jenny Bede, of course.

Very good Fancy Damien Oka.

Anyway, I made her.

She said it was the best vegan pizza she's ever had.

And she's famously never had a vegan pizza in her own.

She's the best.

Isn't going around eating vegan pizza all the time.

I've got a picture of her enjoying it.

I was going to send it to you and I forgot.

You asked Jenny Bede off the record.

She'll tell you she had a wonderful time with that pizza.

What was on it?

Similar stuff, but I just made it better.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, I believe you.

So we're going broccoli, broccoli souffle.

And what's in the broccoli souffle?

Broccoli.

Some vegan stuff that makes a souffle.

Yeah.

And I imagine some seasoning.

So some cheese kind of.

I think.

I hate to be the boring food one on this.

I think you could almost replace egg white with aquafaba, couldn't you?

In vegan cooking?

That's true.

The chickpea soul.

The chickpea water.

Oh, I thought it was.

Why are you slapping your cheeks?

I thought it was.

I've forgotten the word.

Aftershave.

Aftershave.

No, I wasn't suggesting switching egg white for aftershave and then broccoli souffle.

That's why I paid a pizza.

I had a cake made with aquafaba.

Did you?

Oh, yeah, I did.

It was nice.

I really enjoyed it.

I got to go on the vegan episode of Extra Slice, no big deal.

Oh, yeah.

And

tried a lot of vegan cakes.

They were delicious.

Big deal.

Yeah, they're really nice.

There's loads of vegan ice creams.

I'm so excited about them.

And

I made a shop the other day and I got it.

Well done.

Thank you.

That's impressive.

In a train station, wasn't it?

Telling yourself the long sandwich, isn't that?

I've got all the different types and I'm happy to report that Vegan Cornetto's best ice cream, the chocolate, mint chocolate one.

Right.

And that's the truth.

I like the Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cookie one.

That's also good.

That's good.

And the bougie bouger one, bougie bouger.

Bougé, Steve Bouger one.

Steve Steve Bouger ice cream is very good as well.

Steve Bouger, yeah.

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Main course.

Main course loop.

Now,

now,

have you heard of Thai food?

You know what?

I think I have.

Where does it come from?

Thailand.

Thank you.

Thailand.

Yeah.

Say Thailand.

I didn't say Thailand, Thailand.

Yeah.

Thailand.

It's Thailand.

Yeah, I said Thailand.

Thailand doesn't sound right.

It doesn't sound right, does it?

Thailand.

Thailand.

Oh, I don't know.

Thailand is.

Oh, I've just thought of it.

I just had my kitchen Thailand.

Yeah.

Thailand sounds like a Thai shop.

Yeah.

Well, forget that.

Oh, what?

What?

The introduction was: have you heard of Thai food?

Where does it come from?

Thailand.

Forget that.

Forget that.

Yeah, no, you can't.

So pretend Thailand never existed.

Okay, it's the toss-up between Thailand, Thailand, Thai food, and that will be red green curry, obviously.

Brown rice, obviously, because white rice is a devil's work, and the sooner everyone realises that, the better.

Why is white rice a devil's work?

Oh, I heard these

lush, like they were real,

so they spoke like, oh, yeah, like geezers.

It's the rice you're talking about, or a person?

Men, two men, a young men, talking about, but they were talking like, yeah, fucking, you know, you think, oh, then maybe they were a bit edgy or dangerous.

And they were talking about nutrition.

And how about white rice is really bad for you?

And I absolutely loved it.

I sat behind them on the train.

I thought, you good boys.

Well, I prefer brown rice anyway, and the taste of it is nicer.

Tastes nicer.

I've just been in Japan and ate a lot of white rice and I didn't have a proper shit for two and a half weeks.

Ah.

It's like

cement.

It's tummy cement.

It's not good for you.

And why

I would think that the Japanese would be leading on this.

They're very, but they're very...

Go on.

But Japanese food is there's a lot of sushi and there's a lot of rice.

I don't think that's unfair to say that.

I don't think that's unfair.

But we're to forget that.

You're not talking about Thai food.

Forget it, because I've changed my mind.

So you were going to have...

That Thai curry is what you were going to have.

Oh, I didn't think that was.

But, like, you decided no.

It doesn't scream special occasion, does it?

No, it doesn't.

It very much does.

But it doesn't need to scream.

You just need to be whatever you want.

But, like,

other ideas are a roast, vegan roast, with all the trimmings.

Yeah.

Well, a vegan roast is just trimmings, isn't it?

Yeah, but I love.

That's the thing I love.

You just want all the every single trimming.

You would like some trimmings.

I think the trimmings is what I like the most.

Oh, did you realise that?

Wow, what a day for me.

What a big day for me.

There wouldn't be a central, like

a nut roast or some sort of.

I think the Yorkshire puddings are the central event, and I don't know why no one's talking about it.

I think everyone's all like Yorkshire puddings.

People like Yorkshire puddings, but no one would say they're the main thing.

And that's where they're wrong.

Why are they wrong?

Because that's the yummiest bit.

You've got to make your case for this.

That's the yummiest bit.

What are you eating first when you eat your roast Yorkshire puds every damn day?

No, I've got to save them.

It's like, you don't want to just like, because they are just.

Even because they're the best bits.

I don't like Yorkshire pudding.

Here we go.

Oh, dear.

Sorry, everyone.

Are you mad?

No, I'm perfectly sane.

I just don't enjoy Yorkshire pud.

Also, can I just say, if you are mad or have got mental health issues and

everything is these days, everybody ever's awoke.

Or I like bits of stuff, so

I don't want to be weighed down by one meal.

So I want a tapas, but I want the tapas to be of my choosing.

Global tapas, baby.

Global.

Okay.

So your main course is foods from all over the world.

Global tapas.

So you're like, tapas, but like from everywhere.

Yeah.

You've got to stop saying global tapas.

Yeah.

I don't think I can.

No, she especially know you told her not to.

So hang on, we've gone from

Thai food to vegan roast to global tapas.

What have the first two got in common?

They can sit in the global tapas.

So, two of the little dishes in your global tapas are the red Thai curry and the vegan roast.

Yeah.

Yes.

You could put the red Thai curry in a Yorkshire pudding.

How about that?

No, thank you.

No, why not?

That sounds nice.

I won't mix the tapas.

There's a pub in my dad's that does the pub meals are all you just get a giant Yorkshire pudding and they fill it

you can get you could get curry in that, you could get chicken tea.

You get this place in the New Forest.

That's lovely, actually.

You get a giant Yorkshire booth and they do one with Chili Concarney and they do one with

Hampshire.

I wouldn't like to go to this place.

What's it called?

It's called the Trusty Servant.

The Trusty Servant, yeah.

That is a very, I mean, road trip to the Trusty Servant.

Sure, absolutely.

It's a good poet.

It's a big insight into Ed's family there.

I eat at the Trusty Servant.

Oh, yes, I get the subtext there.

Give us an example.

If we give you five little dishes that you can have from across the globe for your main course, that will allow that.

Yeah.

Okay, go.

No, you need to pick them up.

We're not going to read out a load of different things from all over the world.

You choose five of them.

This is your choice.

We'll read out every dish.

Open the one.

Go.

We'll start with it.

So your face was so serious when you said, okay, go.

You're really composing yourself.

And you're like, okay, I'm ready.

I'm ready to do this.

I didn't want to.

I didn't want to hear the menu.

Didn't want to fuck you up.

I was really ready.

Okay,

okay, so you've got your Thai dish.

Yeah?

Oh, so that's on the

red Thai cover.

With the brown rice.

It's all in my brown ice cream.

It's in my little dish.

Okay, we'll let you have that.

I might start with that.

Then you've got your roast with the trimmings.

But hold on.

So what's that?

It's a little dish.

It's a little dish.

It's got.

So what's your roast with the trimmings in this little dish?

Yorkshire pudding.

But it's as big as one Yorkshire pudding, this dish.

Vegan Yorkshire pudding.

Okay, and it's got stuff inside it.

So what's inside the Yorkshire pudding?

How do you make vegan Yorkshire pudding?

Oh, they've done it before.

They'll do it again.

Okay.

Stuffing.

Stuffing?

Yeah.

Inside the Yorkshire purpose.

Stuffing inside the Yorkshire pudding.

Don't check your phone while I'm going into a dreamy dinner.

My sister texted me about a flat jacket.

Carry on.

You're always on, James.

Yeah.

Broccoli.

It's made an appearance again and I can't help that.

But is the food in a roast?

Or maybe spinach.

Spinach in a roast.

Well, throw up some other ideas then.

Parsnips.

Roast parsnips.

Roast potatoes.

Carrots.

Potatoes.

Roast potato little ones and some mash and then some gravy and then we're done.

Okay, so two types of potato in a Yorkshire pudding.

Stuffing and gravy.

Okay, yeah.

So stuffing, mashed potato, roast potato in a Yorkshire pudding covered in gravy.

Yeah.

And that's on your Global Tapas menu.

No, this is two.

I've got three more.

Yeah, but

that's on your Global Tapas menu.

I'm just checking that one of them is just a little dish of carbs.

Yeah.

A really weird dish of carbs.

What a good representative of Britain on the Global Tapass scene.

That sounds fucking lovely, actually.

Okay.

When I was younger, I mean, I did not have much taste, but I used to have smash, you know, smash the instant

mashed potato.

I was very poor and I was also mad.

Hello, it's James and Ed here.

We're just briefly interrupting ourselves and Lou to let you know about Lou's fantastic show that she's doing.

Very bad at promoting herself.

She really should have done it on the podcast, but it's up to us to interrupt ourselves to come and tell you about her show, Shame Pig.

Shame Pig at the Soho Theatre, February 25th to the 28th.

And she's on a tour, right?

She's doing a tour.

Starts on February 4th.

London dates 25th to the 28th.

So her theatre, nationwide tour, starts on Feb 24th.

It's a brilliant show.

I have seen it three times.

Whoa!

And it was fantastic each time.

That's the podcast.

Number three.

Yeah.

I don't want to mess this up.

I'm really thinking hard here.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Once I had cauliflower, which doesn't, which I hate, by the way.

I think

this isn't true.

I don't think cauliflower's got any nutritional value because it's white and I don't trust really foods that are white.

Anyway, but it was

not going to base that on.

You know, in that place in Edinburgh that I saw you in once, it's vegan.

What's it called?

Paradise.

Paradise Palms.

Yeah.

Lucky Pig is the name of the public.

Because the pig gets away, of course.

Very clever.

So they had this cauliflower that was in a batter with a sauce.

It was Buffalo cauliflower.

Now that could be one of my dishes.

Could be.

Oh, for the sake of all of us, just make it a dish.

That's a dish.

I was just thinking, in the interest of time, that will be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then another couple of things that I decided on the day.

This is the day.

This is the day while we're here.

Cheese, spinach, and mushrooms all put together with cream.

Where's that from in the globe?

Just from my kitchen.

That's from your globe.

Your kitchen.

Good that that gets a shot.

That's the same Republic now, isn't it?

The global landmark of Lou's Kitchen.

We've got still got Mexico.

Principality.

We've still got Mexico to go.

That's the only country left, isn't it?

Yeah, oh, you've missed out Mexico of all the.

But that

whirlwind tour of the globe

somehow missed Mexico.

Thailand to Britain where you live to your own kitchen.

Hang on.

So we've missed Mexico.

Scotland, we've got Scotland.

There's that chicken

with that cauliflower that you had in Scotland.

And then fake fish tacos.

And then it's good night.

It was good night for me.

Where are the fake fish tacos from?

They sound nice.

Mexico.

Mexico.

Mexican paces.

But

have you eaten them anywhere?

Yeah, in LA.

In LA, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Wait, do you remember the name of the restaurant?

Do you remember what you were feeling like when you ate them?

Yeah.

So confrontational.

No, it wasn't actually.

It was a festival in England, I remember.

English America.

But via Mexico, okay.

The man was probably holidayed in Mexico a little bit.

Yeah, he think he went to Mexico a couple of times.

So let's just, James, can you remember the Global Tapas?

The Global Tapas.

Yeah.

You've got red curry.

The red Thai curry with the brown rice.

Then you have a

Yorkshire pudding.

A Yorkshire pudding with mashed potato, roast potatoes, some stuffing and some gravy on it.

Then you've got, I believe it was

broccoli, carrots, and cheese in a dish.

No, no, no, no, it was.

Spinach, mushrooms, cheese, and cream, but that will be a little bit more like a colour.

Spinach, mushroom, cheese, and cream all mixed together in a dish.

From your kitchen.

NW5.

The buffalo cauliflower from

the Lucky Pig.

Yep.

And the fake fish tacos that you had at a festival once.

Yeah.

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Now you've really made a bit of a

bit of a

choose a side dish to go with all those tapas.

Yeah, spinach.

Spinach and garlic.

Spinach

to go on the side of the spinach, mushrooms and cheese.

So two spinach dishes now.

Truffle chips with parmesan shavings on.

To go with the roast potatoes and mashed potatoes.

Oh no, two minutes, too many, too many.

Three types of

okay, then the only one not in a Yorkshire pudding to be fair.

But then

what other vegetables are there?

I do need some veg.

Oh, do you need some veg?

Or that orca, the orca, is that good for you?

A whale?

A whale.

It's not vegan.

Aqua, aqua.

Okay, yeah.

You've got to be very careful when you're ordering from a jellyfish.

You're not going to be a little ordering orca.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, aqua.

Yeah, okra is good.

That'll do, that'll be good.

Ladies' fingers, they call that.

Ladies' fingers.

But how do you want them?

Well, however, they come the most nicest, please.

Delicious.

Olocum crispy.

Yep.

Crispy, John and Crispy.

Louda stuck her entire tongue out and I went

like

yes, she does

crispy.

What drink are you having before this?

Ah, no, once I got really high on Japanese tea and you and it was really good quality because my friend's like a tea dealer and it was amazing.

Are you sure that was tea?

No, I answered some mushrooms.

So you also did some mushrooms as well.

But it wasn't.

You didn't really get high on Japanese tea.

It wasn't the tea that, Lou?

I got high on the tea before the mushrooms and then we topped it off with the mushrooms.

Doesn't sound right, does it?

I did, I did.

Because you can, on really good tea, get a bit of a buzz from it.

Yeah, especially if you have it just before you have magic mushrooms.

It's very high in caffeine, I think.

Is it?

Japanese food.

Because it's like the thick stuff in a bowl.

I don't know, but they do all the ceremony, the rituals.

Yeah, yeah, it's super high in caffeine, I think.

Oh, it was great.

I had a lovely time.

Did you want that?

Yeah.

Your drink.

What flavour was it?

Mushrooms.

Like magic mushroom tea.

With like a hallucinogen.

No, I don't do that stuff anymore.

But so just normal Japanese tea, the nicest one they've got.

Maybe just...

Just the nicest one.

Like a green tea, like a mushroom.

No specific flavour?

It could be lavender and mose.

Could be center.

I don't know.

Could be anything you want.

Something exotic, for the love of God.

Okay.

Lilts.

Yeah.

I don't know how, Lou.

In a restaurant where you can order anything you want, you're still a nightmare orderer.

Yeah.

How are you still letting the chef choose?

Maybe that's your projections, yeah.

Maybe that's your judgments, yeah?

Because I think I've been absolutely lovely.

Because you're very specific when you're ordering stuff in actual restaurants, yeah.

And as soon as you arrive where you can have anything you want, you're going, I don't know what flavour the tea is.

Yeah, because you can have anything you want, so I'll expect this stupid little genie to be saying to me, How about orange blossom or something, you know?

Something I hadn't thought about before in my limited brain.

I'm just letting you choose

whatever you like.

Lavender and rose, then, please.

Lavender and rose.

Lavender and rose.

What a lovely choice.

Actually, orange blossom.

Was that an impression of a little monkey yeah what was that what was that

yeah

actually owing the leads to give them disturbed

i'll have a orange blossom please orange blossom

okay we're getting to the dessert now

but you know now this is very i'd imagine this will be straightforward no it's very straightforward very clear cut yes is it's a vegan gornetto i knew it was going to be that before you say it i was like because you you mentioned it earlier.

You say it's straightforward and stuff, but you went and just revealed it earlier on in the show.

I teased it.

You more teased

it.

You talked about the whole thing.

Yeah.

I love that.

Or chocolate brownie with ice cream.

Because

multiple options every course.

Well, you didn't seem happy with my first answer.

I'm very happy with vegan gornetto.

I think that's a lovely answer.

Sometimes you don't want a fancy pudding, do you?

You just want to be able to go to the freezer and grab a lovely ice cream pudding.

Pop me on the sofa.

How do you feel?

Let me watch.

Have you got got one?

I eat the top first and then I just work my way.

I'm quite sort of regular with that.

Bite into it?

Do you lick it?

It depends how much I want the ice cream.

Do you know what I mean?

I'll do a few licks and then chomping bits off when I'm like.

I'd always bite a cornetto, I think.

Yeah.

Because it's kind of square at the top.

It doesn't feel like you can sort of lick it.

Yeah.

That's true.

And it's got the lovely chocolate chunky bits, so you can bite them off.

Favourite.

That is really cool.

I used to do soft-serve cornettos at Wixteed Park when I worked there when I was 15, I guess.

And yeah, we just got the soft serve cornettos in, which were very short-lived.

And we'd have to load up a capsule into the machine and do the soft serve.

And there were loads of different flavours.

And because it wasn't very busy, because it was the autumn, I was just eating them all the time.

Yeah.

Of course I was.

Of course you was.

Just putting them into a bowl.

Did you have like the cones with a bit of chocolate at the bottom of them?

No, it's just normal cones.

Right.

Bit of a shame.

But mix it with anything we wanted.

Like what?

Well, we had carte d'Or ice cream as well.

So

you were cutting cart d'Or into cornetto?

Yeah, yeah.

Having them both together.

I'll get the strachiacella, what is it?

I don't know.

Strachia Cicella.

Strachiacelle?

Yeah.

Yeah, the one that's like, it's like...

Trying to say Thailand again?

It's a white ice cream, so Lou wouldn't like it.

White, but with like...

Chocolate in Ye.

So white chocolate ice cream with dark chocolate cut into it.

I'd get a scoop of that and then smother it with some soft served cornetto.

He's always been an innovator, this guy.

Yeah, and they'll be eating them together.

And then Sandra Chetin would keep a lookout for them if the bosses were coming.

Lou.

Can you remember what you ordered?

This is always a good test.

Yeah.

Take us through what you've ordered.

We'll just double-check the order.

Broccoli souffle, still water with lots of lemons, no ice.

Well, a bit of ice, but not too much.

Broccoli souffe, then you're on to the global tapas.

You've got your Yorkshire puddle with stuff in, you got your Thai, you got your

cauliflower thing, you got your

dear dear.

Well, I did.

The side of oh.

I'm just going to transport you to where in the world the tapas comes from.

Fish taco, thank you.

Your flat?

Did we do that one?

The one in

the one in Finnish mushroom cheese.

And cream all mixed together.

And cream all mixed together.

I remember them all because I'm so goddamn hungry for that.

I've done it.

Gorgeous.

What are you having on the side?

Aqua.

Yeah.

And what are you drinking?

Japanese tea, orange blossom.

And the pudding is cornetto.

Vegan cornetto.

Now, normally, so our producer, the Great Benito, will write down what everyone's having as you go along so we can remember it and read it out at the end.

I've never seen a more complicated.

Yeah, loads of bits scribbled out because you said stuff and then changed your mind.

It looks like a plan to rob a bank.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd say it's the most interesting menu we've had.

Yeah, oh.

People think they have to put up with what's there.

People think, oh, this is what?

Oh, I'm only as good as, you know, a cheese toasty.

Sure, you're not after a global tapas, baby.

Yeah, I mean, what you've got to remember is, Lou, is that in this restaurant on this show, it's not like there's anything there that you get to choose whatever you like anyway.

If you can't dream big here, where are you going to dream big here?

But I just find it really interesting that the only time you can pick whatever you like, you offered us quite a lot of choices.

Yeah, you didn't know what to pick.

It's arrogant to think that I know everything from the global buffet.

You know, yes, I've travelled.

Yeah, of course.

Look at me, But I don't know everything.

You know, yes, I've been to Valdez Air.

How many times?

Three.

So I thought you might know more than me, but it turns out you didn't.

Oh, but about what you like to eat?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

We don't know as much as you, but you know.

That was fun.

I'm very happy with that.

I'd quite like to try spinach, mushrooms, and cheese and cream all next thing.

Next time you come back,

you got it.

Great.

Yeah, I'd try that.

You made me want some buffalo cauliflower now.

I'm really hungry, actually.

I thought there might be snacks.

That's what this podcast does.

Yeah, yeah, there should be snacks here, shouldn't they?

Because we're talking about food, but.

We've not provided anything.

Jot a biscuit?

No.

Got some biscuits.

Chocolate biscuits.

Last time I was here, you did provide loads of chocolate.

It was absolutely lovely.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you were eating that chocolate.

What's the chocolate here?

Got a Tokyo banana cake?

No, I think I'll do it.

Ed went to Japan and he brought back some Tokyo bananas for me.

I've been really enjoying them.

Just normal bananas, but from Tokyo.

No,

they're like little spongy cakes

full of like a nice banana cream.

Do you like bananas?

Yeah, I love bananas.

Favourite fruit.

Is it?

Yeah.

I did have a banana in Tokyo from a department store that was individually wrapped in a cellophane wrapping because you know they love a bit of fruit there as gifts.

Wow.

Nice, about three quid.

That's lovely.

It was really nice.

I ate it in a park.

Yeah.

Did you show it up?

Okay, thanks very much, Lou.

Thanks Thank you for coming, Lou.

A pleasure to serve you your food.

None of which was from a specific place, and all of which

you made up on the spot.

Thank you very much for having me.

I've had a wonderful time.

First time anyone's actually just got up.

She's actually leaving.

She's going to shoot up.

She's genuinely leaving.

Normally, we stop recording and then we say thank you very much and then they go.

Are you still recording?

Yeah, it's funny.

Well, that was Lou with her interesting meal, James.

What a mess.

I think that is the only way to describe it.

I think

a lot of potato in there, too much potato, I would say.

Most amount of potato that's ever been inside one Yorkshire pudding.

And

quite a sloppy meal.

I didn't notice at the time, but now I'm thinking about it.

Quite a sloppy meal.

We've got gravy slop,

creamy spinach slop.

Various other slops.

Gravy, spinach.

It was all and also like she didn't, there weren't for many specific places.

It was just stuff off the top of her head that she'd like to eat.

Yeah.

Any meals that have been her best meal she'd ever had.

Claimed she was prepared for the podcast.

Yeah.

But wasn't, obviously.

Which is a shock because she's got her own very funny podcast.

which a lot of work goes into.

Why is your bottom so dirty?

It's called Why Is Your Bottom So Dirty?

We've both guested on it, I believe.

Well, have we?

Ah, well, okay, you play at Garrison.

so it's it's a podcast with Luke McQueen where Luke plays a doctor listen to it's very difficult to describe but it's very funny if you like Lou's vibe on this listen to the podcast hey guys thanks for listening to the podcast if you could subscribe to it on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcasts if you give it a good review five stars please five stars obviously come on don't be horrible tell your friends tell all you that sort of thing And then we'll be able to keep doing it, get more people on, talk about their meals that they like.

why not follow us on social media at off menu official is the name of the twitter account follow us on there you'll find out loads of great stuff about upcoming guests uh secret treats uh extra courses yeah we're just gonna keep doing our thing and you just keep listening

that's how i want to end every week bye-bye goodbye

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