Ep 9: Selasi Gbormittah

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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Tuck your napkin into your collar because it's time for the off-menu podcast.

Very nice, yeah, good.

Yeah, really good.

I'm enjoying that.

I'm enjoying coming up with new little intros every week.

You're very good at coming up with them, and I can tell you, just coming up with them on the spot.

Yeah.

You've got so many in your head.

You're very quick on your feet.

Yeah, thank you very much.

I'm Ed Gamble.

That's who is quick on his feet.

Yes, James Agaster here, Ed Gamble's friend and genie.

Yes, also James is a genie waiter.

This is the Off Menu podcast where we ask a special guest every week for their dream starter, main, side, drink, and dessert.

James plays the genie waiter.

And our guest this week is Selassie Bormitter from Bakoff.

One of my favourite ever Bakoff contestants.

Very excited to have Selassie in.

Famously chilled out and relaxed in the Bakoff tent.

So let's see if he is as relaxed in our restaurant, in a magical restaurant.

I'd say he's one of the most popular Bakov contestants of all time.

Yeah, even people who don't watch Bakoff know Selassie.

I know Selassie.

I'm really looking forward to this episode.

Yes, so am I, especially because I, as you know, I'm a pudding head.

You're a pudding head.

Is that the technical term of what you are?

Yeah, I know it sounds like

a mean term and a bullying term.

A pudding head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A pudding head?

Yeah.

It sounds like the sort of thing Biff Tannon would say.

Yeah, yeah,

um.

Why?

You little pudding head.

No one calls me pudding head.

But

I love puddings.

And I follow Felassi on Twitter and he tweets a lot of pictures of puddings.

I get very excited every time he tweets a picture of a pudding.

Great.

Quite frequently I've tweeted him stuff, really lame stuff like, save me a slice.

Like an auntie would say.

Yeah.

Ooh, looks delicious.

Save me a slice.

To be fair, he let me reply, say he will.

Yeah.

And he never does.

Never does, but maybe today when he comes in, he'll bring in an armful of all these slices that I've asked for.

Old pudding slices.

Yeah, here you go.

Captain Ball.

Yeah, even a pudding head like you might turn your nose up at an old slice.

An old slice.

Just been sitting around.

We've got a secret ingredient, of course, that if Selassie mentions it, he is out of our dream restaurant.

That's how it works.

We have a secret ingredient that neither of us like, and if the guest says it, they're out on their ear.

I kind of made it dessert-based as well.

This is a thing, if this ever pops up in sweets or desserts, I get annoyed.

He could be tripped up by this.

Licorice.

Yes.

It's licorice.

The secret ingredient is.

The devil's rope.

I hate the devil's rope.

The devil's rope, licorice.

I hate it.

The witch's hair.

I hate it.

Disgusting.

The gaul's chains.

I hate Bertie Bassett.

Yeah.

Oh.

If Bertie Bassett was real, I would beat him up.

I'd kick the shit out of Bertie Bassett.

I would go to prison for killing Bertie Bassett.

I don't care.

I'd get longer than people would normally get for assault because in court I'd be like, I absolutely, I don't regret a thing.

Yeah, I absolutely hate him.

Yeah.

I would kick him in his stupid nose, kick his head off.

Kick all the pink bit out the middle of his head.

Oh, yeah, I would kick that pink bit out the middle of his head, knock his stupid hat off and throw it in the bin.

I really beat up Bertie Bassett.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

He's an asshole.

But then they brought out fruit all sorts.

Do you remember that?

No.

So So when I was a kid,

they briefly...

So I always looked at licorice all sorts.

This is why I hated them as well.

I looked at licorice all sorts and thought they look delicious.

Yeah.

The bright colours.

And this looks like a delicious sweet.

And then you put it in your mouth and it tastes like the devil's piss.

And I didn't like it.

And

then they brought out fruit all sorts.

It didn't have any licorice in them whatsoever.

And they looked just as colourful, but they tasted like fruit flavours.

And I absolutely loved those.

But they were out for like,

you know, a month.

It was very short were they deliberately limited edition or did people not pick up on them yeah you see i don't remember if it said limited edition or not but normally when it says limited edition you know it's not well they're testing they're testing the market right you know you're just being tested but clearly it was just you buying them yeah this was like just me and they went and look if anyone from bassett's is listening uh please we've met the fruit all sorts maybe just deliver me a bag

And if you want to send Bertie Bassett to deliver them, fine, but I'm going to kill him.

You can come over and deliver my fruit all sorts to me, and then it'll well set him on fire.

You know what?

If I was a witness to you killing Bertie Bassett, I wouldn't say a thing.

Thank you very much, Ed, although I would want you to say a thing because I want credit for it.

Oh, right.

Okay, yeah.

Oh, tell everyone.

Yeah, tell everyone that I did it.

Yeah.

Do a Instagram story about it as I'm beating him up.

You could put a picture of it on Twitter and then I'd probably treat you back saying, save me a slice.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I would save you a slice.

Thank you.

Do you want to come over and kick a slice out of his stupid fucking face?

So here we go, the podcast with Selassie.

Let's hear it.

Hello, Selassie.

Hello.

Thank you very much for joining us in the dream restaurant of the off-menu podcast.

Welcome.

Okay, that is, I'm not sure if you're aware that James is a genie waiter on this podcast.

Okay.

So that was him appearing.

That sound effect that sounded like a big splash is actually him appearing out of a lamp

to rub the side as expected.

Selassie's the one who's taking it the most in his stride out of any guess we can just completely five of it, doesn't phase him whatsoever.

Some people are surprised, some people are confused.

Selassie just went with, okay, yeah, yeah, okay, let's carry it away.

Absolutely fair.

I'm used to this.

What people expect of you.

Do you find there's a bit of pressure sometimes when people meet you that you've got to be super relaxed?

I normally are, but then sometimes people think, oh, maybe he's just a persona that I put on TV, but I mean, I am relaxed in my life, so I don't try and be any different.

Do people try and test you like they do with the Buckingham Palace guards?

No, no, no, no, no.

We're just poking and just calm, calm, calm.

I mean, give me a few tequilas and I'll be on the dance floor.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

Well, hopefully, today isn't the day where we finally tip you over the edge.

Oh, no, I'll be fine.

And make you angry.

All right, well, yeah.

I won't turn green.

um uh yeah welcome along good to see you uh you said you got back from switzerland recently yes yes and how long were you there for i was there for eight months and i was doing some fancy chocolate stuff um and sugar work and high-end patisserie so it was pretty cool wow yeah I did eat a lot of chocolate, which I love.

That's part of it, right?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.

You weren't sneaking it.

You weren't being naughty?

Well, it depends what you mean, naughty.

I mean, occasionally there'll be a chocolate just lying around, and I don't like to waste food.

Yeah, fair enough.

I mean, I'm very big on the environment.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

One of the biggest problems facing the environment is chocolate that's just lying about, of course.

Yes.

Because a bird could trip over that.

It could.

So God bless us.

Nothing on the floor.

Thank you.

That'd be awful.

God bless you, Selazi, for saving all those little birds' beaks.

Every little help.

You got a dark chocolate, a milk chocolate, and a white chocolate.

You can only have one of of them.

What are you going to choose?

Dark.

Yes.

Yes.

I think we all agree on that, which is rare.

People get annoyed with people who like dark chocolate.

People do get annoyed with us.

I like dark chocolate.

I mean, it's good.

In a way, it's a bit...

I mean, I'm not big on health because I love dessert and I'm a baker, but it's a healthier option in the chocolate range.

Milk chocolate is good if it's got nuts or, you know, other things.

It needs something else.

Yeah, exactly.

And it depends on the milk chocolate.

If you get a really rubbish one, it's just sugar.

Yeah.

but you can get good quality milk chocolate, but dark chocolate is always, you know.

Because and the higher percentage of cocoa, the lower the sugar content as well.

That's what your t-shirt says, isn't it?

Yeah,

that's one of my catchphrases, Selassie.

We've got some merch coming out.

Very wordy merch.

In the past, I've had 100%

dark chocolate, which is strong.

It's like ayahuasca, isn't it?

Yeah.

Exactly.

It really makes you hallucinate.

I should have brought some in now.

I feel bad.

Oh, yeah.

Next time.

It's okay.

Yeah, next time we'll do the sequel.

What was the hardest thing you had to make in Switzerland?

What's the biggest challenge?

The biggest challenge actually was being there because when you leave Bake Off, you don't people almost put you on this professional pedestal, but you're not really a professional, are you?

You're just a homebaker, really good at it.

You make it onto the show and you excel or, you know, you bake some amazing things.

So, when I went to Switzerland and my first day in the kitchen, you know, all the other students are younger than me.

Um,

and they've grown up in the kitchen environment and constantly in the kitchen in chef's white in the in the big-ass boots that all the chefs wear that's unattractive and the trousers.

And, you know, I got there and I was like, oh, do I fit in?

You know, so I wasn't too sure.

Because I remember my first day, I went in wearing a suit because we had classroom and kitchen sessions.

I wore the suit and I was like, oh, I think I've won the wrong outfit.

Yeah, so I had to quickly go back into my room, change into my chef's white, got there, and then the chef, the first question the chef asked me was,

Are you sure you're supposed to be in here?

Whoa, yeah.

I mean, he's a cool guy.

I love him.

He's a really good friend now, but that's the

good stuff.

Well, yeah, exactly.

So, because I was quite nervous, and I don't show my nerves at all.

I was quite nervous because it's a new environment for me.

But then as soon as I got in,

it was okay.

So for me, to go back to your question, it's more the whole situation that

I found myself in that kind of made me nervous.

But then the harder bit was sugar.

So we did a lot of sugar show pieces,

molding, sculpting and blowing sugar.

And it was because you're working with really hot molting sugar and your fingers are burning and we had to blow like a dolphin or a shark out of sugar wow what right yeah so because it's very temperature sensitive you're blowing you're blowing you're almost getting so as you're blowing you're pulling it and then you're forming the shape as you're blowing that that sounds impossible so what have you got a long pipe yeah so you got um a little metal rod yeah and we obviously got a hole through it and it's got a pump at the end which you basically pull the sugar you fold the sugar around around the pipe, and then you start blowing.

So as you're blowing, you're forming the shape

and you think you've got it, then it pops, it explodes.

Oh, God.

So I tried so many tests.

I tried to do a whale,

shark, then I ended up with a dolphin.

No, I was trying to do a dolphin, which was harder because you need to get a...

What is it?

Is it a beak?

Is it called a beak?

Yeah, the

bottle nose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So try and get a nose and then get a body and then, you know, you basically finish it off.

And that was the hardest bit so I think sugar work I don't think I could even draw a dolphin why is it mainly marine mammals um I mean you can do I don't think there's a rule but you can do anything but the theme was Nemo so we're doing finding right okay was it Dora finding Nemo or those finding Dory was that Dory not Dora that's Dora the Explorer

finding Dory and you don't need to find Dory the Explorer she finds yeah yeah exactly she could have found Nemo so I think it was the sugar work that was um i mean that does sound

i'll show you a picture later but it was hard did you get it in the end you managed yeah yeah god they have finished my showpiece because we get graded on it so i mean everyone struggled and but you mustn't you're you're used to that sort of thing oh yeah after bake off they're saying do a show piece and you're going to be graded you know like this is nothing yeah that that was i think that was one thing that worked to my advantage because all the other students they're They're pretty much in school and they've never been in competitive environments before.

Whereas I've come from Bake Off and I'm used to the stress of the tent and, you know, the minimal sort of time constraints that you get given, etc.

So, I mean, when it came to competitions in the school and came to exams, I was more under, you know, I was more relaxed than the other students who were very stressed and nervous and literally pulling their hair out.

So that kind of helped me.

They didn't know how to handle Melon Sue when they came in and started asking them questions.

What are you doing here?

The chef going, are you sure you're supposed to be in here, Melon Sue?

Serious question.

I don't think I'm out of order this time.

Are you meant to be in here, Melon Sue?

The things that you had to bake for your last episode of Bake Off,

did you go home and make them again to face the demons immediately?

No.

Have you never done them again?

No.

Never got anywhere near?

So what was it?

Palmiers.

I mean, I've made puff pastries since, but Fun and Fancies.

I've never been a fan of Fun and Fancies anyway because I find them too sweet.

You know, but apart from that, nah.

I love Fun and Fancies.

Oh, really?

Mr.

Kipling ones.

Yeah, I like Mr.

kiplin ones i don't mind

i like them although i bought a giant one once there's like a huge one that's like this is the size of like a big a big cake but a fondant fancy oh really that is too sweet and i bought one thinking this would be brilliant and yeah it was not it was not brilliant that's just mainly the the fondant right yeah i felt like i was in willy wonker's factory i thought this is really exciting and then it was really regretful and no one else wanted it you know when you think that oh this will everyone will want this yeah but no no one so you ate it just me eating a whole giant fondant fancy and no one else was there anyway yeah it was just me to to be.

Well, welcome, welcome to the dream restaurant, Selassie.

You get to get your dream meal.

This is the genie waiter, James Acaster, who's going to be taking your order.

Yeah, there you go.

Selassie's a genie as well.

Oh man, it's the first time a GP's come on and have a genie in the wonder you weren't impressed earlier when I wasn't cheating.

You were cheating yourself.

You woke up your life.

Hey, you driving in your car, working in your studio, getting your nails done?

Ooh, love that color.

Yes, you.

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Well, welcome.

First of all, sir, would you like still or sparkling water?

Still, please.

Is it always still You're a still man?

Yeah, very still, man.

Occasionally, I'll drink sparkling if there's the only water available.

If they can't give you tap water, then yeah.

That's illegal.

If any restaurant can't give you tap water, you should challenge them on the law, which isn't a good start to the meal, but you should you should be.

Is it actually illegal?

It's illegal for a restaurant not to offer tap water to refuse tap water.

Could you take them to court?

Yeah, you've picked me over water, yeah.

Yeah, you could.

Who would your lawyer be?

Nemo

it would be a it would be a poorly blown sugar dolphin.

It would be Saul from Saul Goodman.

Yeah,

it would be Saul Goodman.

In a water, tap water case.

Pretty sure he would be the only lawyer to take that case.

Still water, sounds great.

Do you like a big old bottle of still water in the middle of the table?

We're rolling tap-out.

You know what?

I don't really...

I'm bad at this, right?

I don't drink that much water.

I mean, I should be.

Here we go.

I mean, I try to.

So if we go to a restaurant

and this unalcoholic drink, I'd rather have that than water.

Straight to the booze.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before the foods even come along.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm saying that because no one else does that.

Yeah.

Occasionally, I'll have a glass and I rarely finish the glass, to be fair.

Right.

Well, then.

You're like the kids from signs.

Yes, that's a very specific reference to one of the less well-known M.

Night Shyamalan films.

Yeah, there's a little little girl, right?

Yeah.

And she never finishes any of her glasses of water, and she just leaves them all around the house.

So their house is just full of all these half-filled glasses of water.

And you think, well, there's no point to that.

But the message of the film is that.

Drink your water.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's the twist.

At the end, she becomes very

hydrated.

I think that's what the film wants you to think.

The message of science is drink your water.

Drink your water.

At the end.

A big message comes up on the screen.

Drink your water.

Also, pop it on to your bread, Selassie.

Popping on your bread.

Ooh.

Again, the only person completely not phased by me shouting.

I mean, for the listener,

I think it is so unfair that

the listener did not get to see that.

Because

normally i shout it at people and they're a bit startled they didn't quite expect it so lassie not only didn't flinch didn't move a muscle he maintained eye contact with me the whole time

he looked right at me and then went

okay

you normally you normally will shout it once and then shout it again quieter because people have jumped already yeah you shouted that twice at exactly the same volume so lassie took it all in and went

um bread bread every time bread every time i do like popadoms by bread.

Yeah.

What kind of bread do you want?

What's your favourite type of bread?

I can get you any type of bread in this restaurant.

It could be a specific bread that you've had before.

Maybe a home-cooked one someone made for you.

Peshwari Nan.

Whoa.

Ding, ding, ding, Joel Domit.

Oh, we are.

We are.

I mean, Selassie, I don't want to make you nervous, and I'm sure it won't, but Peshwari Nan was also the choice.

of Joel Domit,

who

is, and I'm not being unfair here, the most hated person who's been on the podcast.

But it was not the pechoiri nan that caused that hate.

No, to be just okay, okay.

To be fair, he was still okay.

You'll always choose pechoiri nan if you're like, if you're getting a naan bread, yeah, always pechewari in nan.

Because you've got a sweet tooth, right?

Yeah, massive sweet tooth.

That won't surprise anyone.

You've been

spinning dolphins out of sugar and stuff.

Yeah.

He's basically worked out a way of having a cake before the meal's properly started.

Yeah.

Because that is essentially.

I love the almond filling in there as well, which is just the best thing ever.

Almond and coconut and stuff, isn't it?

Yeah, it's like a bounty bar sandwich.

Oh,

like a Battenberg.

Yeah.

Battenberg sandwich.

You went somewhere when you said Battenberg there.

You glazed over it and your head just went somewhere new.

I've had a Battenberg, you know.

I haven't had a bad one.

I've never made a Battenberger.

You've never made one?

No.

Make a Battenberg?

That's the.

But again, that's sugar, is it?

Well, the royal icing around it.

On the outsides, there's sugar.

Yeah, a lot.

A lot of sugar.

Let's move on to your starter.

So this is like the,

what would you like to start?

My starter,

if I would or if I could have it every time I go to a restaurant would be a

prawn and lobster bisque.

Oh, this is the first bisque we've had.

And we've got very fancy early doors.

Yeah, that's a really good thing.

Is it fancy?

A prawn and lobster bisque.

Yeah,

you can get these things in your local supermarket these days sure but who does who is that the one you want you want me to go get you the tin one from the supermarket

no i'm sure you could get it in the local supermarket but i don't think anyone says i'm just gonna nip down to tesco and buy myself a bisque i mean it's because i visited malta a few years back and it was the best starter i've had in you know yeah ages and it's just always stuck what was this place what was it what was i can't remember the restaurant but it was in Gozo in Malta.

And we, and again, they brought out

warm bread, like bread roll.

And then the prawn and lobster beast came out.

And it was just, yeah, it was just everything.

And had you, was it already your favorite starter anyway?

Or was that prawn and lobster beesque the one that made you go?

It's the one that made you.

I'm saying prawn and lobster beast funny.

It was the one that made you on the list because I've never really been a starter fan.

So every time I've gone to a restaurant, booze, then straight to May.

Straight to pudding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then that's it.

So I've always

skipped the starter

until that.

Are you like, because I, so I kind of am feeling like, so when I was a kid, and probably still now, if I'm honest, no matter what the meal is, I was just looking forward to pudding.

And I was like, really?

I'm putting it.

And when I was a kid, at least, I was like, I'm putting in the shift with the other stuff.

but I'm really just looking forward to dessert.

I kind of am already getting that vibe from you, Selassie.

That maybe you're already thinking, I just want to get to that sweet pudding.

Actually.

Because we were doing this port of lobster beast, and you're like, yeah, okay, fine.

Yeah, let's go.

So, that's the port of lobster beast.

Yeah, sure.

But I can already see it in your head.

We're not going to talk about your pudding yet.

Okay.

With me,

when I was a kid, as soon as I had my last bite of savoury, Instantly the first words out of my mouth were what's the pudding?

And my parents had to not tell me what pudding was.

I'm completely different.

So I love a starter.

I'm a proper starter boy.

I'd rather eat like two courses of starters.

When we used to go to a restaurant near us when I was a kid, my main course used to be a picker's basket to share.

Picker's basket.

What's that?

So it was like a selection of all the starters, and you're supposed to share it with people as a starter, but I'd have one to myself as a mate.

Because I was a little fat boy.

Deep-fried mozzarella sticks, chicken satay sticks, that sort of stuff.

I I love starters.

You're talking about a combo for two.

Yeah, a picker's basket.

That's what it was.

At the pub I worked at, it was called a combo for two.

Right, okay.

Wait, the pub where you were the mash king?

No, this is the pub before I was the mash king.

I was the mash king at one of the pubs, so actually I made the best mashed potato.

But before then, I was doing combos for two and deep-frying them.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, that's I'm a starter boy, and you two are clearly pudding boys.

You were pudding boys, right?

Maine.

Maine?

You're a main boy?

Yeah.

Whoa.

I'm a main boy.

Joe, what?

We need to go out for a meal together.

It's perfect.

We'll go out for a meal and we are surprising the staff by just each having one course each.

And we don't even eat at the same time.

Ed eats first, and then you eat, and then I eat my pudding.

And then we all play, thank you very much.

That was a lovely three-course meal.

So the bisque, I'm imagining this bisque.

A bisque is like a

creamy soup, right?

Yeah, creamy soup.

So they make a stock from the sea,

the shellfish.

Yeah, all of the shellfish.

And then the blitz, etc.

Do they blitz the shells?

You can do.

You can do.

You can just blitz the whole thing.

Yeah.

The shells and the...

Well, I mean, the shells are not bad for you.

I eat, I don't know, people probably hate me for saying this, but I do eat the shells on prawns and

crab shells.

Because I grew up on stuff like that back in Ghana.

You know, we go fishing,

we cook it with the shell on, and we eat it with the shell.

So it's not bad for you.

Yeah, but I mean, just texture.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it a

soft shell or is it quite crunchy?

It can be crunchy, depending on well, it normally is crunchy when you have like prawns, etc.

You can have soft shell crab, which you can obviously eat the shell of.

And Sam Yose has some soft shell crab.

Burger?

Huh?

Burger?

No, no, no.

But

I like, as twice now, uh, Slatu's and I please keep doing this because I like it.

He tries to guess the end of my sentence.

So far, it's been it's been uh the science is don't drink water,

drink water, and there's a soft shell crab burger and no uh sushi and some soft shell crab uh it was a sushi roll, some soft shell crab in it.

That's what I had yesterday, it was very nice, but now I want a soft shell crab burger, so thank you.

I think I feel like I missed out yesterday.

I had an inferior meal.

I saw that somewhere, I haven't had it myself, but I think I saw on TV somewhere where someone's visiting different restaurants and then they had a soft shell crab burger which looked epic so yeah too that'd be good i mean it took me a while to try soft shell crab because i was uh i brought up in a little uh a little town where you know no one really you'd never seen a crab but you didn't you know you'd never seen a crab we wouldn't have done that kind of stuff yeah and any cat in listen listeners will know sponge bowls

you're not going around eating soft shell crab in catering that's not would you what would you be run out of town yeah they were too cautious.

We wouldn't trust it.

Well, chicken then, what?

What would you have then?

Yeah, probably

some normal chicken, unseasoned.

Not eating soft-shell crab.

Scared.

Too scared.

Let alone prawns with the shells on.

That's what's the weirdest meat you've eaten then?

The weirdest meat that I have eaten.

Well, not weird, but that's great question.

It's not on the chart as

English.

Weirdest meat inside Kettering would be lamb.

Yeah, yeah, inside Ketterigan.

Weirdest meat outside of,

well, I've had snails.

Yeah, I love snails.

I really like snails.

Do you eat them with a shell on Selassie?

No.

I lose them.

Straight in there, popping them back like pops up.

Yes, probably something like snails.

I don't think I've ever had anything weirder than that.

Have you

eaten weirder stuff?

What's your weirdest meat?

Should be a new section on the podcast.

That's a really new question.

Welcome to What's Your Weirdest Me?

That could be a whole new podcast in itself.

Right down beneath it, spinoff podcast, Benito.

What's your weirdest meat?

So that's who's hosting it.

He came up with it.

Yeah.

What do they have?

In Peru.

So they have, what do you call it?

I think it's called Grasskata.

It's basically, it looks like

it's a rodent.

I can't remember the name, but it's a local sort of delicacy there.

And literally, they

deep fry it and then it's still got the claws on

its back tape.

And it's just like, it's just like post.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just on the plate of salad and fries.

Is it in the shape, like, can you see that it was running away?

It was like this.

Yeah, it was making it.

He's got me down.

So that's the weirdest thing.

I mean, what I tend to do is everywhere I go, I try to have what the locals have just to

fit in all.

Well, you should go to Kettering and have some unseasoned chicken.

Yeah, yeah.

Add some chips.

Or just go to his house.

Yeah, I know.

My house is very different.

My parents' house is very different.

Okay.

My mum is a great, great cook.

She'll be listening to this.

She listens to everything that I do.

So, mum, I'm not slagging you off on this technique.

Just so you know.

Your main course, then,

this is a big one.

This is Salati's favourite course.

It's the main course.

We all expected pudding.

But main course.

Seth and Teff.

Okay.

Here we go.

I'm greedy, right?

Yeah, so if I could have a whole entire main menu, like a whole entire menu in a restaurant, I would.

Yeah.

If I could get away with it, I would.

So I love seafood and I do love a good steak.

Yeah.

And anything meaty.

So I would go for, I always tend to go for a seven.

That's your absolute dream that somehow people have combined that already then.

And it rhymes.

It's so handy.

I would go to church every day to thank the Lord if every menu had that.

You were going to church every time you face the board.

I would love that.

Look, if Ebby met you third serve and turf, Selassie would go to church every day just to thank the Lord for the servant.

Selassie's here again.

He's praying.

I wonder what Selassie's praying for every day, Jesus.

Thank you, Jesus, for my surf and turf.

Definitely surf and turf.

So what

in is there a traditional combination of surf and turf?

Is it steak and then

prawns?

Is it normally steak and prawns?

So we've got double prawns.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've double prawned it.

Would you would you add anything else?

Because I guess if it's called surf and turf, you could technically have any type of seafood with any type of land.

Prawns,

I do have a good calamari, but you have to be careful because some are very greasy, depending on how they cook it.

So, yeah, yeah, so calamari, um,

loophole, sugar dolphin,

yes,

oh no,

Yeah, those two, I think.

Calamari and prawns and then a steak?

A steak, definitely.

What cut?

Any particular cut?

Any particular ramp, I think.

Rump.

Yeah.

Oh!

How big are we talking?

Oh, huge.

I mean, yeah, yeah,

I do love this.

Because steak is, in a way, it's very easy to prepare, right?

And cooked.

And I love it.

medium rare.

So nicely cooked, sprinkle of sea salt.

Done.

Nothing fancy, no other, whatever.

Nah.

And massive, and absolutely massive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, perfect.

Where's the place you've had the best surfing turf you've ever had?

Or even just like the 16 you had, maybe the first one you had.

I remember the first time I had a surf and turf, I thought it was a genius.

I felt like I'd invented it, even though it was on the menu.

Yeah.

Just like seeing it going, that's a great idea.

And like, I would probably, yeah, if it's available on a lot of menus, I'll probably go surf and turf with some garlic butter, though.

Well, it feels like a cheat, doesn't it?

It feels like you've like hacked the menu.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you can have two things.

Yeah.

Same with a mixed grill.

I love a mixed grill.

Mixed grill is the ultimate loophole.

Yeah.

But those are like,

I ordered a mixed grill once, and I mean, I've said that she'll be listening.

So she'll be listening to here, mum, is a little story about you.

Get ready.

So, like,

me and my dad ordered mixed grills, and it arrived.

And my mum went, that'll give you bowel cancer.

And that was it.

Completely ruined the meal.

It would.

I was

probably right.

Little configurable.

I was going to die as I was eating it.

What age were you when you started having surfing turf?

Oh,

I mean, that is the weirdest question anyone's ever asked on a podcast.

I assume it didn't start having it until I was in my 20s.

Yeah, but you're a relatively late food adopter, I'd say.

Yeah, that's true.

You've had food, a food revelation later on in life.

Yeah, for a lot of my life, I was just eating food because I had to, because otherwise I'd die.

And that's not...

So that's he looked surprised surprised then when he looked at me.

That's not a condition that I've got.

That's everyone.

That's the same with everyone, Selassie.

That's not me telling you about an illness I've got.

That's like...

You look more surprised by people needing to eat food because otherwise they'll die than you did when James screamed Popadoms or Brandon.

Yeah, or when I said I was a genie.

Those things weren't surprising to you, but me saying, if I don't eat food, I'll die.

You're like, oh man, I didn't know.

Well, no, because apparently...

No idea.

He's going along with the fact you're a genie.

That is surprising that a genie needs to eat food otherwise.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the point, isn't it?

But I didn't know genies needed to eat food,

yeah, that's fair enough.

No, I take it back.

You should be surprised.

But yeah, I only got into food properly, like, yeah, late 20s, when I started actually probably enjoying it.

Well, I was always a pudding boy.

Yeah.

I always liked puddings, but like, I only started liking everything else and, like, really loving it.

I was in my late 20s, and I was going out with someone who also appreciated food.

I was like,

I get it now.

But that's when I'd say I started having surfing turfs personally.

I'll probably say for me, maybe

six, seven years ago, but I guess before that,

I would always, well, you can't get it anywhere, but Jolof Rice, which is Ghanaian, not Nigerian.

Oh, well, I mean, now

we're doing it cross-podcast beats.

Yeah, bring it.

Lolly was in.

Comedian Lolly Adafope was here and saying she wanted Nigerian food.

And I believe Jolof Rice was brought up.

So a shot has been fired over the bowels.

Joloff Rice, if all restaurants served it, definitely.

Would you be thanking Jesus in church if all restaurants served Joloff Rice?

Yes.

Back to church.

I'm here

three times a day now.

Once for the surf, once for the turf, once for the Joloff Rice.

And then a little extra prayer for Peshwari Nant.

Yeah.

And then once more, just a curse Nigerian Joloff rice

please please Lord get rid of it I don't like it

so what's what's jalo what's jolof rice how would you how are you putting together jolof rice uh you first make well i'm describing it how i make it so it depending on what you're adding so chicken or lamb or beef or goat or anything you make a stock from the meat yeah then you use the stock to make a stew so it's it's a tomato stew yeah and then you add your veg if you want to add veg then you cook it in basmati rice, not American lawn grain

basmati rice.

And this is just a

stewed rice made from tomato sauce.

And then you can add the meat or you grill the meat separately and then you have the underside.

Nice.

And it's everything.

That sounds very good, actually.

I got lost in that.

It's like I was listening to a poem.

Yeah.

Come back.

Wait, this is hard.

It's so lovely.

So

is there a specific place you want me to get this surf and turf steak from for you?

Best one you've ever had?

I can't remember.

I had it in Shoreditch.

Blues Kitchen.

Oh, yeah.

Blues Kitchen in Shoreditch.

Nice.

Yeah.

Good surf and turf there.

Ed knows it.

It's a fun place.

And you'll like this one in Shildit?

Medium rare with prawns.

And a side dish?

Side dish.

Well, have you had the plantain?

Yep.

Yes.

Yeah.

So fried plantain wings all the time.

Every time.

Every time.

Now, I feel this is another hack for you to get an extra little dessert tasting thing in there.

Yeah.

Because it's quite sweet.

It's like you've got the pechuarinant and then the plantain.

It's like you're just infusing the whole meal with a bit of sweetness.

You want to put some marshmallows in your bisque?

Just a blow to a change.

Fried plantain, so in Ghana, it's a a street food.

So it's called kelewell.

And they cook it or they fry it, seasoned with ginger, garlic, salt.

And so it's quite cool and chili as well.

So it can be quite spicy and it's just amazing.

And they have it with a side of peanuts.

Ah, a side of peanuts.

Yeah.

How are the peanuts?

Just as they are.

Yeah, just as they are.

And roasted peanuts.

So roasted peanuts.

And you just mix it in, and literally that's it.

And they're serving literally

a little wrapping thing, paper, or whatever you call it.

That actually sounds like it'd go really well with the surf and turf as well.

I don't know why people aren't putting that with surf and turf more often.

Yeah, have it as a little side.

Yeah.

If they don't have it, then I'll have.

I'm a big sweet potato fan.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

Joel Dobbin again.

Fried, sweet potato, like sweet potato chips.

Well, you say, if they don't have it, you're at the dream restaurant Selassie.

We have absolutely

the plantains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Shorinan, surf and turf,

fried plantain.

Fried plantain.

And done exactly.

So the proper street food from Ghana,

I can get you that.

Yeah.

No, I'm not.

Not on the side, though.

Some peanuts on the side.

Oh, don't forget.

Oh, not forget the peanuts.

The roasted peanuts on the side.

And in an absolute ball of move, you're the first person to ask for a side with your side.

Yeah.

You've got a side dish to the side dish.

Show you I'm greedy.

I like it.

Yeah, you flagged it up first, that's fair.

So the plantain.

That's fair.

So the peanuts on that.

And a little side for the peanuts.

I can put

something else.

Keep this shelves.

Put a single olive on the side there.

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to drink as well for the whole so like this i mean this is and this is uh i think going to be quite a big one because like obviously you were saying at the start that you'd normally start with uh a boozy drink yeah also you were telling us earlier that you're uh currently working with uh cocktail genius uh pairing up desserts and cocktails That was off.

That was off.

That was off off menu.

That was off off menu.

But exciting, though.

Do you want to actually talk about that for a bit?

So on the 20th of February, I'm hosting a dessert and cocktail event in Regent Street with Smeg,

just eating desserts and pairing them with cocktails just to get people right.

Just watching James's eyes light up when you talk about that.

Like a pinball machine.

I would absolutely.

There's pairing desserts and cocktails.

How long did it take to do that?

What a day.

I would love it.

He's got a pair of them all first.

Like, are you pairing them together?

Are you working together pairing them?

Are you making a dessert and then he pairs a cocktail with it?

Well, we're in true Selassie fashion.

I'm a bit...

laid back on the prep stages of it.

So

I will get to it.

But we will be working together.

You don't know what the desserts are.

Well, no, I know what the desserts are.

So the first one will be a consomme, which is basically,

I guess, a fruit soup.

So you basically poach or you sous vide fruits

and then you get the liquid out and you serve it with, I don't know, something on the side, something crispy or some more fresh fruits, et cetera.

Then the main would be a

crack, or it's not a drug.

It's very delicious, very moorish to be.

Have to emphasize that.

Slash is not serving crack cocaine.

Crack cocaine, cocktails, and dessert.

Crackling, so shoe pastry,

which will be filled with some salt mousse and praling paste

with

ice cream.

And so we're going for a hot and cold dessert and then with either hot chocolate sauce or something that we're still thinking about.

Then the dessert, then the, so it's a three-course dessert.

Yeah.

And then the final course, it's a cold dessert.

Yeah, pudding, pudding.

Pudding, pudding, pudding.

Yeah.

Would be a...

Do you like Ferrero Roches?

Yes.

Yeah, so it would be a take-on rocher.

So you'll have the chocolate center, you'll have a wafer shell, then it'll be rolled in hazelnut chocolate.

Amazing.

That sounds really good.

That'd be seven and it's on as well.

That sounds delicious.

And even then, you said, I'm quite laid back about it.

And then you're like, actually, no, we've got the recipes.

And then some of those recipes involved something crispy and some sorts of mousse.

Yeah.

I just have it there.

Yeah, no, it's there.

Actually, I've got a, I've brought some of the priling paste for you guys to try out.

Oh, thank you so much.

That is the reason we started this podcast is so people would bring in things like that.

We were very, very happy.

Every single person so far, when they've sat down, at some point during the interview, I just go, you got any pranium paste?

Like, I didn't ask for a

bit pranium paste!

We have to edit that out every time because I have a new gown word yelling at them that they haven't brought piranium paste in because I love it.

It's a good criterion.

I can't wait to try that.

Also, do you need any help pairing them up with the cocktails?

I'll happily come along.

Okay.

And they'll just help them.

I'll pair their in mind.

James can be a celebrity taster for you.

You can come down and

go to his face.

Celebs have to sign off on these things, otherwise, they're no good, right?

Yeah.

So, yeah.

That's what you need.

You need a celeb to.

And I really want a smeg fridge, so I'll pop down as well.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's where Smeg is.

I was thinking of Red Dwarf.

I mean, that's a bit weird.

He's doing a Red Dwarf thing pop event.

And none of the recipes seem to relate to Red Dwarf.

Not a very red dwarfy.

So

drinks-wise, what are you going to have with

this dream meal?

Obviously, so far, I'm expecting that you are going to have a sweet cocktail or something because

what things have been so far.

I'm a big whiskey fan.

I do love a whiskey.

So if I can have a neat whiskey, then fine.

But if not, if it's in a cocktail, old-fashioned.

But you can have whatever you like, Celeste.

This is, you can...

Old-fashioned.

Yeah, old-fashioned.

Great.

Yeah.

Old-fashioned or whiskey sour.

Yeah.

Whiskey sour was my gateway to cocktails because obviously it is just a pudding.

Yeah.

So like it was that was the first time like I even bothered with a cocktail.

It was a it's not there anymore.

A place called Wishbone in Brixton Village.

I used to do like really good whiskey sours.

And that's why I started going there.

And then it changed its name to chicken liquor because it was taken over by meat liquor.

So meat liquor took it over.

Called it chicken liquor.

I wasn't happy about the name change, but the menu was the same that was fine yeah

no it's a meat liquor they ain't even any chicken and that's shutting down as well it's not good

you know what if they're listening i'm glad you're shutting down that's what you get and that you absolutely deserve it it was great when it was wishbone and then you came along and you changed it and you ruined it even though they'll fix it yeah exactly i mean they they did give them give me a free meal once because i mentioned on uh on qi i mentioned it just off offhand i mentioned chicken liquor yeah and it got back to them and they they offered me a free meal.

And they let me and nine friends go.

Did you come, Ed?

No, I wasn't invited.

I went with nine of my buddies.

Yeah,

I can't believe I didn't make a cut.

You must have been invited.

I can't believe I'm your 10th best friend.

There's no way you weren't invited to it.

I will not have this.

There's no way you weren't invited.

You must have been invited.

But it was a lot of us went there and they kept on.

It was the best.

Like, oh, what a meal.

Because we got there.

Well, hang on.

You've just massively slagged them off and now you're trying to pull it back.

No, no, I'm not pulling it back.

they're dead in the water

but i'll be even-handed and say about this amazing meal that i had yeah because this was great we turn up and uh they give us the menus and they're like oh while you while you're deciding we'll just put some nibbles out and it was like but the nibbles were like full dishes yeah so like full baskets of chicken and like they're doing this like they're doing this nashville hot chicken at the time as well and that had just gone on the menu hadn't tried that before so we basically have a full meal while we're deciding on our meal.

Then we all order our chicken.

And also, they just keep us topped up with cocktails because they know a lot of the whiskey sours.

So they keep coming over.

And just as soon as you finish your cocktail, they just top it up with another one.

And there was also this punch that they'd done that was really lethal.

I don't know what was in that, but that was insane.

And we drank all of that.

And then we're absolutely smashed.

And then we watched Lolly had a fope.

You went to her show?

Yeah, just went to Lolly's show at the Soho Fiato.

I was absolutely, Lolly, if you're listening, which you won't be, but Lolly, I was so drunk at that gig.

I'm so sorry.

So, this restaurant gave you a free meal.

Yes.

And you have now thrown it back in their face by saying that you're angry at them.

Well, no, you see.

So, now, by the way, if you work for meat liquor, you can now contact James and ask him for the money for that meal.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

You've feel free to recoup that money.

Just because you didn't get invited, you liquor.

Yes.

You bitter bastard.

You son of a bitch.

You bitter son of a bitch.

You try to get me to pay for that free meal I had.

And also, I'm not slugging off chicken liquor.

It was the chicken liquor staff who did that for me, and then meat liquor took them over and ruined it.

No, but

chicken liquor's a branch of meat liquor.

It's the same company.

Here's how it worked.

They were wishbone.

They got taken over by meat liquor, but the same guy was still in charge of it.

And then when they got taken over by meat liquor properly, then that guy had to step down and the staff changed it.

Now it's shutting down.

It deserves it.

Meat liquor could rot in hell, but I love chicken liquor.

So, an old-fashioned, old-fashioned, any specific whiskey.

You can have any whiskey you like in it.

What is it you love about an old-fashioned?

Two questions.

It's a very dangerous drink, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because there's a bit of sugar in there.

So, you surprise, surprise for Selassie, right?

Probably the melted-down corpse of a sugar dolphin.

Yeah,

I thought you'd like, waste not, what not?

Yeah,

I'll do like a smoky whiskey, so i'll go for a lafroy oh yeah

super smoky super yeah yeah

very nice yeah old-fashions are good old-fashions i i like rob roy's as well okay do you like rob roy's it's what i imagined whiskey tasted like before i drank whiskey does that make sense i've always had the taste of jack daniels like because at uni we literally because you know you're a broke student and now you have his jd and coke jd and coke so i've never really been a fan of jd since then So I don't know.

I mean, my first sort of experiences of whiskey would be JD and it's just like horrible.

Yeah,

I don't like JD.

No, no, I drink old-fashioned Manhattan's whiskey sours now and again.

I love it.

Brown brown drinks.

Ed lives in Mad Men.

I don't know if you know that.

Yeah.

I want to be in the show Mad Men.

He's in Mad Men.

He's on Don Draper.

He drinks all those drinks.

Now

it's the big question.

If you choose cheesing biscuits, it'll be the funniest thing ever.

I don't like cheese.

You don't like cheese?

Well, I'm not the biggest, like the

ganky-looking ones, no.

The ganky-looking cheeses?

Name some of the ganky-looking ones.

Top three gankiest cheeses, please.

Name and shame.

What are the gangsters?

Do you mean soft ones?

Ganky ones.

Or smelly-looking ones.

Both.

Soft and smelling.

Soft smellers, right?

Hashtag soft and smelly.

smelly um is so i'm putting a brie in front of you how do you feel about that ganky yak ganky yeah stilton yaki yeah the worst yeah even worse

i don't mind mozzarella because it's tasteless and you know i mean you love a pizza so yeah mozzarella cheddar all day yeah um but the rest cheesecake off cheese board i wouldn't go near it no i'll probably just grab the grapes off it but yeah yeah punch your eggs straight in the mouth yeah yeah so that's a warning if you ever offer selassie a cheese board, he's just going to take the grapes.

Just give me a boil of grapes.

He's going to say something about the cheese board being ganky and then he's going to run away.

That's fair play.

Well, this is good because I've always been anti-cheese board.

Ed is very pro-cheese board.

I love cheese, but I like

the gankier the better for me.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

One of my favourite cheeses is a cheese that's called stinking bishop.

Can you believe it?

And it's

a terrestrial name for it.

Yeah.

Stinking Bishop.

What a boy.

I go to church every day and I pray

to the stinking bishop.

To the stinking bishop.

He works there.

Yeah, he works there and he feels, but he hears me praying, talking about the stinking bishop, but he thinks it's about him.

Yeah, I know he's really self-conscious.

He's washing all the time.

He'd been doing service.

We've always linked the shower gel.

Washing.

Oh, and Gabble said, I'll stink again.

I mean, he's very grateful for me, but he said, I'll stink.

So, your actual pudding then, this is the big one.

This is why, I mean, some people, hello to everyone who's just skipped ahead to this bit.

Some people will just listen to, just to hear what Selassie's favourite pudding is.

Here we go.

For the listener, he appears to be just thinking about it now.

And also praying.

Yeah, he is.

You got your hand to the prayer.

Chocolate pudding.

Whoa.

Simple.

We need more information, Selassie.

We need you to go into some details here, my friend.

Chocolate pudding.

I mean, I do love a good chocolate cake.

But then you've got a chocolate pudding with the molten chocolate in the middle

you cut through it and it just oozes out and you have a side of

a side

blackberry sauce which

is seasoned with ground black pepper oh oh yes and it's just much made in heaven and is this something that you make yes on a regular basis this is one of yours okay yes and it's my go-to I think you're the first person to come to the dream restaurant and then offer to go in the kitchen and cook the pudding.

I was going to say that.

Oh,

first one for pudding.

Obviously, Scoobius Pip cooked his own main course.

Cooked his own mouse.

It was the meaty base.

Yeah, yeah.

Which was taken off, and loads of people have enjoyed the meatsy base.

But now we've got Selassie's chocolate pudding.

I mean, that's like a fondant.

Is it like a fondant?

Yeah, chocolate fondant with blackberry sauce with black pepper in it.

How long have you been making that particular dish for?

Oh, for a while now.

So this is like a...

Yeah, go-to.

Go-to.

Because I'm not, they're going to kill me now.

I mean, I'm a dessert person, but I'm not.

When I go to a restaurant, I don't really look at the dessert because I always feel, oh, I eat so much.

I eat so much.

So it's not an arrogance thing.

It's like, I eat so much dessert that, you know, I'd rather just get on with the main and then.

Yeah.

Have you ever been out to a restaurant, had a starter in a main, and then gone home and cooked a dessert yourself?

No.

Well, maybe I should do that.

You should do that.

That's great.

It's a cheaper way of

eating out.

Yeah.

You get a little walk before the dessert.

Yeah, exactly.

Because the thing with desserts, right, is

you have it at the end of the meal, of course, but then you don't want to have too much of it.

Yeah.

So it needs to be very little, very tasty.

And because people sometimes feel like, oh, I don't think I have room for dessert.

So with a chocolate puddle, it's very simple.

It comes in a little ramekin, and then that's it.

So there's, you know, you don't don't have a slab of pie in front of you with ice cream on the end, drizzle of caramel, or whatever, etc., whatever the dessert is.

So, yeah, I tell you, I tell you, someone who always has a room for dessert is James Acaster, called his dessert stomach,

dessert stomach, and that where does it all go?

Yeah,

Selassie, trust me, I would

get so angry about this.

I have to run a bloody marathon when I have one dessert

just to lose it.

You did run a marathon, right?

Yes, I did.

A lot of the bake-off people, a lot of people will do it.

a marathon.

The Bakers doesn't.

We did it last April, and it was, yeah, it's a killer.

Where did you?

Because surely, at the end of it,

even though no one cares where they place in a marathon, but you care where you place amongst your friends, right?

Well, I did, then I realized, you know,

yeah, I didn't get my time.

So let's be all like, yeah, I still ran the marathon.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's right.

Was it the London marathon?

Yeah, it was.

It was boiling, right?

It was the hottest.

It was the hottest.

So when I was training for it.

Did you run it as well?

No, I ran it the year before, and the weather was all right.

And I'm running it this year as well.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I'm kind of really, really hoping the weather is not warm because it looked horrible last year.

It was.

I was like dying, like, literally.

Yeah.

Yeah, just I was in pain.

And you don't drink water either, so that must have been absolutely awful.

You're turning it down all the time.

No, thank you.

An old-fashioned, if you will.

There are actually runs somewhere maybe in Ketchron where you can basically run with beer and burger or something.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Absolutely.

Yeah, absolutely.

Chewing on an unseasoned chicken, bro.

I should think so.

Wow.

Wow.

You're doing it this year, Ed?

Yep.

How's the training going?

All right.

I mean, we're still about 16 weeks away, so it's okay.

I think I got loads of time.

Yeah, I think I've got a while, but I quite enjoy the training.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

I like having a bit of structure in my life.

You're changing your diet, aren't you, Floya?

Yeah, well, I'm trying to not, you know, not eat three-course meals all the time.

Just two.

Just two, two courses.

Every new year, though, you're quite good at doing something like that.

Every new year, like last New Year, you went vegan for a bit.

Yeah, for six months.

I went vegan for six months.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did it?

No, Selassie's not happy with that.

He's not making a cross sign of his hands.

Like he was banishing a demon coming up on the moon.

And they didn't do vegan week when you were on Bake Off, but now they do vegan week regularly.

You wouldn't have been happy with that?

No.

No.

No.

I mean, you know, veganism, it sounds like a religion, right?

Well, you know, you're the one praying for surf and turf every day.

You're the one taking Jesus for food.

I've always grown up on meat and just everything else.

Sure, yeah.

You know, so I wouldn't, it wouldn't be a life choice that I would make myself.

Fair enough.

And

I'm not here dissing anyone.

No, you know, it's your choice.

Go ahead.

Do what you want.

I did extra slice when it was vegan week.

Yeah.

Because they had vegan week in the last series.

And those those cakes were delicious.

I was amazed by some vegan cakes are great.

I mean, I'm pretty close-minded, actually.

All my hands up.

And they were so nice.

I would not have...

I know, like, the compliment people always give vegan food is that you wouldn't know it was vegan.

Yeah, yeah.

And that that's like made.

But, like, honestly, I think you would be...

I've had some good vegan cakes.

So if it's a chocolate cake.

and it's vegan it's amazing yeah but if you try or when you try and do other sort of vegan stuff sometimes it's a bit you know because you can make

avocado chocolate cake, which sometimes if you don't get it right, the avocado is just overpowering.

It just tastes like avocado.

Yeah, you don't want a stodgy avocado in the flour mixture in your mouth, kind of thing.

So it's a bit, yeah.

So you have to get it right.

I've had some great vegan recipes of meals, but then I wouldn't necessarily go back.

Yeah, fair enough.

Fair enough.

I think that's a very balanced opinion, Selassie.

Don't worry.

Thank you.

Future politician in America.

Right, so shall I read your order back to you?

Make sure that you're happy with it.

Yes.

You would like still water to start, but you won't be finishing it.

No.

Can you give it in a shot glass if you like?

That would do.

And just to let you know, Selassie was not lying.

He's had a glass of water in front of him for the whole record, and he has not touched any of it.

Gone nowhere.

I'll have a sip.

No, you don't need any of it.

You see.

Sip in the water.

I'm not having a sip now.

Absolutely disgusted by the whole thing.

pechewari nan.

Then you would like a prawn and lobster bisque preferably from was it Malta?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Surf and turf.

And you would like the rump steak medium rare with the

prawn and calamari but not too greasy on the calamari.

Yep that's correct.

Side of fried plantain but the street food one with the peanuts on the side supposed to peanuts.

You would like an old-fashioned with the smoky whiskey.

What was the whiskey?

LeFroy.

LeFroy.

And you would like chocolate pudding made by your own hands with a side of blackberry and pepper sauce.

Yes, get rid of the pastry chef.

I'll make my own dessert and then.

I mean, technically, that's me.

The whole thing is me.

I've got to let you into the kitchen for a bit and make that pudding.

Well, thank you very much, Selassie.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you.

That is a wonderful meal as well.

Yeah, it's a delicious meal.

And just to go, yeah, because some of them were, you know, that the close to, when we started off close to Joel Domit's one with the Peshwari nine, I was a little bit worried, but this goes to show that, you know, Joel's individual choices aren't bad.

Just his entire life in general.

So it's not, it's fine.

Yum, yum, yum.

Great meal.

Great meal.

Great meal.

A proper, good meal.

And not...

a licorice in sight.

No licorice was mentioned.

Thank the Lord.

I pray every day that licorice was not mentioned.

Oh, loads of praying in the church today.

I liked that.

I really liked it.

We should offer that as a service to a lot of our

guests.

There's also a genie church.

Not a genie church.

Yeah, next door there's a church and the vicar's a genie.

Not me.

The vicar's a genie.

Yeah.

Why does the vicar have to be a genie?

The person who runs the church has to be a genie.

I think that'd be too flashy for a vicar.

Because you're already in there praying to God, aren't you?

Why would the vicar be running around like a genie, which is

pretty holy?

Genies are pretty holy, right?

So God is a genie.

Is that what you're saying?

Well,

a genie is almost a type of God, isn't it?

So you would rather that

God is a genie in the...

And

life is a dance floor.

God is a genie.

Life is a dance floor.

Life is a roller coaster.

I'm going to ride it.

So before we get too sidetracked with philosophy, thank you very much to Selassie for coming in.

Lovely stuff.

Great meal.

The most chilled-out guest we have ever had.

He took everything within his stride, apart from the revelation that James needs to eat eat food to survive yeah and sorry to any listeners who also didn't know that

if we scared you on your during your morning commute we didn't mean to

but that is you know we can educate people you know maybe hey

if any of you are listening to the more than one podcast if any of you listen to that no such thing as a fish podcast that the QI elves do yeah if they say that fact on it call them on it

They've stolen that off us.

If they say on it that if you don't eat food, you'll die.

And they've got that off of us.

Yeah.

Thank you to Selassie also for this.

I'm holding in my hand a lovely jar of pranium paste that he has left for us.

Yes, it does look good, actually.

I might try a little spoonful of it later.

Well, it's in my hands, mate.

So good luck.

Good luck getting any idea of this.

I'm drinking it all.

Hey, James, anything you want to plug?

Oh, I'm on tour this year.

Also

on the television, we'll be hypothetical soon, hosted by Josh Whitticomb and myself.

On Dave, we ask our guests, post fun hypothetical situations to our guests.

One of which is actually Ed Gamble in one of the episodes.

As I know, I'm a guest.

I'm not a hypothetical situation.

No, no, no, you're a guest on it.

I won't invite him to a chicken shop, but I'll invite him on my TV show.

That's how much of a nice guy I am.

I just remembered you did that.

I definitely invited you to that.

Hey, I'm on tour too.

My show is called Blizzard.

It's touring nationwide.

It has now started.

So I'll be feeling pretty down right now.

No, I'll be on tour.

It's very exciting.

So check out my website, edgamble.co.uk.

Check out where I'm doing my show near you and come along.

Nice little song at the end there.

That's very nice.

I enjoy that.

James.

So all that's left to say is eat well, don't die, and see you next time on Off Menu, I think.

And huge shout out to Barry and everyone at Angel Comedy who's let us record

the podcast today in Angel Comedy Club.

Camden Head in Angel, do come along, see some shows here, see some shows at the Bill Murray, where they also run wonderful gigs.

Great gigs.

Wonderful gigs.

Thank you to them.

Thank you to Selassie.

Thank you to you, James.

Thank you to our producer, the great Benito.

We will see you next week on Off Menu.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.