Ep 5: Aisling Bea

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, and may I be the first to say Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, everybody, 2019.

It's 2019.

Well, we're obviously not recording this in 2019, so

I wonder what the world will be like in 2019.

Oh, in the future, and everyone's hovering around with no legs.

Just cut off at the waist and hovering around.

All dripping blood everywhere.

Nose of space blood.

Dripping silver blood all over the floor.

Oh, but they'll still need to eat in the future.

No button.

No butt.

That's the problem.

Yeah.

They've got no butts, James.

They've got no butts.

They're hovering around.

Still got mounds, though, and the food goes in the mouth and straight out the bottom of the body, I guess.

Anyway, welcome to the show.

First thing you need to know is James was an hour and a half late because he slept through his alarm.

We'll talk about that with our guest.

Oh, hmm.

Yes.

You look like you were about to protest that until you realised I just gave pure facts.

It did happen, yes.

Yeah, it did happen.

It did happen, which is why this intro feels slightly rushed, because we've got to go somewhere else.

Yep, we've now got to go and film an episode of our

other YouTube food show, and I'm going to eat some puddings and describe them to Ed.

Yes, we're looking forward to that.

But of course, now this is the main priority, of course, is off-menu, the off-menu podcast.

Today, with our wonderful guest, Ashley.

What a wonderful guest.

It was so great.

So many great foods.

I won't give any spoilers, but I had a lovely time.

So did I.

I think it was a particularly funny episode, actually.

Yes.

Oh, and very importantly, every single episode, we say that there's an ingredient that if the guest mentions, we kick them out of the restaurant.

And I can reveal that today the ingredient is cloves.

Cloves.

I hate cloves, James.

Disgusting.

They're disgusting.

I don't like the flavour they impart and sometimes they'll just be in the meal and you'll crunch down on one by accident.

Worst day in my life when I did that.

Yeah.

I did that when I was a little kid, bit into a clove and I was so miserable, ruined the whole meal, like a perfume bomb going off in your mouth.

Yeah, it's horrible.

Absolutely disgusting.

So if Ashley went, I mean, I'm finding it difficult to foresee a situation where Ashley might bring up cloves, but if she does, she's out on her ass.

she is out on her ass thank you very much um but we'll uh we'll come back and have a little chat to you after the episode but for now this is ashling b

hello good morning guys or should i say to james good afternoon oh i was late to the restaurant today

no late is you just didn't turn up and then turned up at a different time that's late is what i was because that's true i was a cheeky 20 minutes late.

Yes, and I texted you and was wondering why you didn't text me back.

I thought, God, he must be so angry with us.

Because he gets you ahead of time.

Turn up, James.

Is one hour late?

One hour, 20 minutes late.

So, just to explain what happened, we were meeting Ashling at 10 a.m., bright and early, to record this episode.

Ashling turned up 15 minutes late, which I think is acceptable.

That's an exception.

I'm a second 20, if I'm honest.

Okay, but I think that's acceptable for a guest.

Also, yeah, yeah.

You come from New York today?

Saturday, but still, it takes ages to to get it.

Swimming is long.

Now, I know you live far away, James.

Yep.

You live in a bit of London that's slightly more difficult to get from.

Sure.

But you slept through your alarm, didn't you?

Slept right through the alarm.

Yeah.

Woke up just naturally.

How lovely for you.

And I thought to myself, oh no, this feels a bit too natural the way I'm waking up.

But I'll look at my alarm.

I've done this before and I've woken up before my alarm.

So maybe that's what I'm doing.

Oh, you don't want to have the days steal sleep from you and be cheated out of an extra cheeky five.

I'm not going to have that.

No, thank you.

Look at my watch.

Oh,

I was meant to be there 20 minutes ago and I'm still in bed.

I had to ling up.

I felt so bad the whole journey.

Not been good.

Not been fun.

Not a good day so far for you.

I'm on the back foot, guys.

Listeners, I am on the back foot.

Do you still feel like you're waking up right now?

Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah.

You've become less of a friend now, more of a showbiz friend that I smile at because of what happened today.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

I'm like, no, it's fine, James.

It's honestly, it's not like my time is worth anything.

I just thank, thank God that it was Ashley B here today who was willing to just sit here and do a little bit of work, go on with her own stuff.

I just ordered a jacket.

Don't worry about it.

Well, you told me you were doing work, but I mean, you ordered a jacket.

Yeah, I mean,

wear that on stage?

For my, yeah,

oh, listen, if you look at my receipts for my taxes, everything I've worn on stage.

Not technically allowed to do that.

But anyway, that's another thing.

And I don't, that was another one of my great jokes.

Yeah, it's a different discussion.

Imagine if it had been one of our other guests.

Yep.

One of our more sort of...

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you trying to say, Ed?

One of your more important guests.

Richard Osman.

Richard Osman.

Richard Osman would have flipped this table over.

He would have been so angry that you were late.

But luckily,

Ashling was nice.

Yeah, some people were angry.

I feel like you're backpedaling there from what you really wanted to say.

Imagine we had a high status person on.

That's honestly where I was going with that.

Imagine that.

I look like Ed.

I don't backpedal.

Between the two of you, I'm having a terrible time.

Yeah,

I can believe it.

Anyway, welcome to the fucking restaurant.

Thanks, Million Lads.

Great to be here.

So this is.

The service is terrible.

I can tell you that much already.

The waiter is very late.

Yeah, putting the wait into waiter, the two of you.

So we should probably explain what's going on here.

You get to order your dream meal.

Start a main side drink dessert.

James, you're the waiter.

Would you like to appear officially?

I'm a genie as well, just singing that.

Are you?

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I'm a genie waiter because this is a dream restaurant.

We can have whatever you want.

You can have any food that you've had in your whole life from any specific place, any specific time.

I can get it for you.

Welcome to the restaurant.

I'm a genie

and your waiter for the evening.

I want to rub you the right way, James.

Yeah.

Here's a question I had because I've been thinking about this a lot.

I've been very excited about doing this podcast.

I've been pathalivating, thinking about it.

And

does does the meal have to make sense as a whole

that is up to you

yeah if you feel comfortable with making the weirdest meal of all time that's fine i remember the first time i went to new york city and i went to a deli and i couldn't i'd never seen a deli before and such a great it's already such a new york story such a new isn't it you can really

yellow the honking of the angry horns from the men who i won't have sex with

the honking in the background yeah thank you that's That's James honking his horn there in the background.

And I went into a deli, and I was like, you can put anything you want into the box for just the weight of it.

There's no, yeah.

And I remember putting like, and I was like, I'll take this for my dinner later.

Like such a rookie error.

And I put like sushi and mash

and sweet and sour chicken because I have meat at the time.

Like all my favorite things.

And I swear, you've never seen anything like that box when I got it home that summer's night from my handbag.

And I was like, oh, there's a reason Japan, China, and Ireland don't have a fusion restaurant.

They probably were here.

They probably still talk about you in that deli.

Yeah.

The Irish lady came in and had sushi and mashed potatoes.

Mash, are you crazy?

My granddad was actually quite open-minded about food and he would eat anything as long as it came with mash.

So we'd order Chinese and he'd get mash.

Like mash was like the fork.

Yeah.

The very basics of a dinner was mash.

Yeah, you have that to stick to the plate.

Yes, you'd have rice and mash.

You'd build on the mash.

And every Chinese restaurant in Ireland as well, God love them.

They all have to do chips, curry chips.

Yeah, that sounds like a lot of people.

Which is an Indian law.

Yeah.

Sauce over an Irish product in a Chinese restaurant.

God bless us, everyone.

Modern day.

So this, you're

pescatarian?

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

So I eat fish.

You eat fish.

I ate them.

But out of a vengeance.

I intended me to Pokey.

Oh, Poke in.

You introduced me to it?

When we were in Hollywood together, Ed.

Don't worry about it.

Wow.

This is just so many great stories about America.

Yeah, one time we went to see.

You love America, don't you?

You love it.

I do love America.

Love being out there.

In fact, we've all been out in America together.

We've all been out in America.

We've been chasing our little dreams.

I brought James to the World of Leggings.

I've got a picture of that somewhere.

Oh, yeah.

It's a big shop that sells all different types of leggings.

From all across the world.

And my legs looked like the mannequins leggings.

I was like the mannequin's legs at the time because they were so skinny and white.

Yeah.

James the same

colour as your basic mannequin.

Yes, I went to the world of leggings and said, James, I can show you the world.

So, yes, but in choice, poke I love.

Poke is basically tuna, ahi tuna.

And I say tuna because that's what they say in America.

Tuna.

Tuna.

Tuna, eh.

So it's a tona with some rice, some like scallions, which he called them an orange green onion.

Some mash.

And I'm away.

A bit of mash, if you wouldn't mind.

I'm not an animal.

It's a side of mash.

A little corner of mash.

Just a a little like little side pasta bucket like they do vinaigrette i'll have can i have mash over mine mash on the side please mash on the side um i remember my friend steph about two christmases ago she's american and she wasn't going back to america so we're like do you want to come back to ireland to for christmas with us and she's like oh my god i have to say you guys are so funny the amount of um uh potatoes you have um at in one meal i was like don't be ridiculous steph i was like we had like obviously graton but that's not really potato graton dauphin wise it's like cheese non potato potato.

Then like roast potatoes for texture and mash for texture and then a jacket potato beside.

But that like that's not, I wouldn't call that excessive stuff, but it'd be like four

meal.

First of all, I'm going to get you some water.

Would you like still or sparkling?

Still always, please, James.

I like a water that runs deep.

Oh, yeah?

Also, I just don't like sparkling water.

Maybe it's because I'm so humble.

You know,

like I'm very down to earth.

Tap, would you say you'd say tap, wouldn't you?

I'd say, I'd say

water, yeah, absolutely.

Um, yeah, and I get all my staff to bring me tap water all the time.

Oh, my chef loves bringing it to me, um, and it just keeps me grounded, you know.

Yeah.

Now, I do, you know, the one thing I got like when I from panel shows got a bit of cash, my favorite thing in the world that I bought, and I was like, God, Ashling, you've made it big now.

It was on my sink in my main, in my kitchen.

Your main kitchen?

Oh, this is what I think it is.

In my main kitchen.

And which kitchen have you been in?

Probably the sort of.

I think it was the servant's kitchen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The kitchen behind the kitchen.

Yeah.

Which was one of the millibans.

Yes.

And I got a Brita filter insert into my tap, which means in London, I can get on tap filtered water.

So I don't have to put it in a jug.

That is good, actually.

I thought you were going to say that you have one of those

boiling hot taps.

That'll be my next if I'm go down the road.

A quoka, I believe.

Oh, it was too much.

It was like 600 quid to get one, and I couldn't.

Can we get a sponsorship from Quoka Taps, please?

Quoka?

Quokka.

We'd all like one.

Kuka Kooka.

This podcast has been brought to you by Quoka Taps.

Kwoka.

For Hot Tea Fast.

There you go.

That was great.

That's so good.

That's a perfect.

Hot Tea Fast is a really good.

Is that their slogan anyway?

No, I just made it up.

That's so good.

Oh, my God.

That's proper good.

Yeah.

Well, looks like.

It brings me to the boil.

Like,

do lots of different ones.

That'd be great.

The laugh was pretty creepy, but apart from that.

Creepy, yeah, that's my main laugh.

And then you laugh like that's your witch.

That's not creepy.

It's very open.

Now, we should.

Pop it on the salt bread, Ashley.

Interesting.

With the meal I'm about to choose, I don't really want to pop it on.

I would love some sourdough.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

And loads of real butter.

I don't want olive oil.

I want real kerrygold Irish butter.

And And I will slather it on and potentially ruin the dinner because I love bread so much.

Tell me about Kerry Gold Irish Butter.

I don't know what that is.

Kerry Gold Irish Butter.

Brought to you by Ashling B.

Kerry Gold Irish Butter is a delicious butter that we're brought up eating in Ireland through pure.

It's like Kerry Gold.

No?

It comes in the paper that goes.

Put yourself together.

You'd know it if you saw it.

Yeah, it's in golden paper, like a Willy Wonka bar, but for like

savoury people.

I think I'd remember that, Ed.

I think I'd remember Willy Wonka's savage.

It's all over the place.

In Ireland, they eat it like a Willy Wonka chocolate bar as well and wrap it up.

If you want to view paradise, and

if you get the right one, you get a trip to the butter factory.

So, yeah, I love kerry-go-butter.

I buy it wherever I go.

And it's like way more expensive than even probably nicer butter in areas like in New York, or I even bought in Malaysia once when I was at Malaysia.

And like, but just some part of me goes, I love my country when I'm buying it.

It tastes nostalgic, does it?

I mean, it tastes maybe.

I think it's more buying it makes me feel like a connection to like I can do with like...

It's good butter.

The best butter I've ever had is in France, though.

The little logs that have

logs of butter that have chunks of salt.

Chunks of salt.

I had that.

I think I've spoken about this on the podcast before, but I once had butter, caramelized butter that had basically pork scratchings in it.

Jesus.

Caramelized, though, because I'm not a fan, and I'll say it here now, lads.

Yep.

Sweet and savoury.

I don't like salted caramel.

Just, I like things to be separate.

Right, okay.

And I don't like the idea of caramelized butter.

I just.

Who are you?

Are you a baby or an adult?

Don't try and be both.

You know?

I want to be both.

Big was one of my favourite films as a kid.

That's so creepy.

I talked about this on a friend of the podcast, Brett Goldstein's other podcast recently.

I can't move for doing podcasts at the moment, guys.

I think we should decide who's the friend of the podcast.

I'm not sure about

Brett to be.

Brett, you just called him Bread then.

Bread, Bread.

Bread Goldstein.

Old Bret Goldstein.

I guess he is a friend of the podcast.

So our friend Sarah Doe Bread Goldstein

and we were talking about Big and how it doesn't stand up like it's creepy.

She's just like, it is creepy.

Oh, definitely.

Even as a kid, when I liked the film, I did think.

They're not addressing the thing at the end.

Like, because there's that point where he turns back into a little boy and he turns around and waves at her.

Yeah.

And she doesn't break down crying.

She should have been in the carcliff.

right yeah she should be sick yeah she should be like if that the end of big should be he waves at her and then she goes

oh my god

hope you all enjoyed listening to that on your headphones at home

so starter

now When I was thinking of a starter, I couldn't think of one isolated one that I'd ever had.

But I know one thing I always try and order that always makes me feel no no,

and it's uh, it's um, it's uh, uh,

like uh, how do you call it, like a battered calamari, like squid in breadcrumbs.

Yes, and I get that whether it's at a Thai restaurant or it's at an Italian place, or I just, there's something about the rubberiness of a squid

with the bread crumminess of

crunchy, crunchy bread, and just a big bowl of them with a dip, and there's no end and salt, and there never seems to be an end to them.

And again, it can be a bit like a dinner in itself.

But also, like, I don't eat meat for environmental reasons more than anything, and also for cruelty.

Like, it's not like I don't believe people shouldn't eat animals, but I believe that the farming industry is so cruel.

And in the same way, we have degrees of murder for humans, because you don't just go, all murder is the same.

You're like, how cruel were they when they murdered them?

How cruel were they?

I feel like we do, I feel like we should have the same thing with animals.

Like, how cruel are you that you kept them alive?

Anyways, side note.

That's good.

I might, can I steal that opinion?

Because I'm really looking for a way to eat what I want whilst also seeming like a really good guy.

Yeah, how cruelly did it die?

Okay, cool.

Like, if it was like walking down the street, if the car was walking down the street at night, you bashed on its head, it didn't know, and it was gone.

Yeah.

Eat away.

Oh, okay.

If you sat it down in a chair, strapped it to something, and like started, I don't know, doing some of your stand-up to it, before you kill it, I would find that cruel.

Very cruel, yeah.

So, yes.

So, there's something about Calamari that I feel is so brain-dead, when I look at it, I'm like, I want to eat you.

One time I was watching, I was at the live,

yeah, you know, Blue Planet.

Yeah, I,

in a sort of meta way, my favorite thing was watching Blue Planet in the bath in the dark with some candles on, which I realize sounds a bit more erotic now in the mammal of the three men.

It's fine, okay.

I was fully clothed, don't worry.

That's weird.

And there I was in my track seat in the bath.

That's a filtered bath.

Oh, always.

And I always remember hearing about Jerry Seinfeld, like how wealthy he was.

And this is before I started stand-up, that he had Evian in his shower.

That was just always a little fact.

In his shower in the Hamptons, he had Evian.

That can't be true.

I don't know.

I don't know if it is.

But considering where I am now and where he is, I'm like, yeah, I suppose he's doing that much better than me.

So, yes.

So, where was I?

Oh, so I'd be in the bath in my tracksuit watching Blue Planet.

And it would be on.

I'd be watching all the little linguinies and crabs.

That's not the names of them.

I'm just like traveling people.

Yeah, I've not seen that before.

Slovenian grind.

Oh, I think they were filming one day and someone dropped their pasta into the tank

and started it out.

Here is the pale linguine who doesn't have much brain cells.

um and as there was a bit on a squid like a funny squid and i know i should have been going oh wow isn't the planet amazing but instead i was like i'd batter you

eat you in with some aioli dip you little oh chop up your arms and just like batter you crispy make you crispy and just stick you in some aioli i find this that's what that is was

also saying that over the top here we are and this next little fella is delicious with ioli I'm going to batter you.

Can I tell you another hashtag celeb fact?

I was in a recording studio recording an audiobook and I was told that next door was David Attenborough doing the next series of, and I was allowed to go in and watch.

Quick fact,

he does six hours in a row without a toilet break.

What?

He sits there and he sounds and like it is hard to do reading for that long.

Your voice and everything.

Like I'm constantly, even now, sipping this green juice from smartcoffeecrush.com.

I was trying to get as much branding as I was.

I was trying to get a sponsorship.

Hopefully, that's what I'm trying to do.

Um, and he was doing page after page

without a toilet break, which I found fascinating.

He's seen so many camels in his life, he's become one.

He's known how to

put a nappy in his back, yeah.

Yeah, which is what a camel in there is.

Pumps or nappy in their backs, is what I like to call them.

That's what you picked up off him, right?

yeah yeah bagnappies yeah um

calamari there's often there's different types of because you can you can get the salt and pepper squids salt and peppers here yeah there's different things on calamari chili you can get chili on it can't do chili now you can't do chili i've built slowly built up my tolerance to be able to like say eat something more than uh um

say a korma in an indian restaurant but i come from a family like where my mother was like oh ashling what's in that soup it's It's very spicy.

And I was like, it's the Madame Basil soup.

I think it might be pepper.

So

I have like a low tolerance for spice.

So chili, I can't do chili squid.

You can't do chili squid.

For example, yeah.

That's off the table.

Or when people bring like, I got hot sauce in my bag, swag.

Like Beyonce said, I'd be like, I got some little yogurt in my bag.

Swag.

So just in case I get to the bag.

To cool down the basil.

Just to cool down.

In case.

Yeah, so I can't do chili.

So no chili, Jeannie.

Salt and pepper squid.

squid the answer mono you you would like that kind of stuff have you been to i like the calamari in um

chain restaurant basaba have you been there before oh yes yes yes basaba e thai i would say that calamar that calamari is so good that it's um it's got its own special little box on the menu and says it's saying it's their signature yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a signature like zed for zorro yeah yeah it's calamari for basabe calamari after every crime at the scene of a crime they just leave one ring yeah do you know actually if there's any vegans out there, I mean, my two Hollywood friends here will know this.

You know, Cafe Gratitude in LA.

Have you ever been?

I've never been because the whole idea of it makes my anus crawl up into my neck.

Yes, and that's how you eat when you're there.

So, Cafe Gratitude is this notorious, not notorious, famous vegan restaurant in Hollywood, in Los Angeles.

And most British people go there and go, come on, mate, like Ed Gamble would.

And it's basically a vegan restaurant where every time a server comes over, she goes, hey, can I get you anything?

Still water?

I always say tap, thank you.

And she's like, also, today, our gratitude question is, so you can think about it while you order, what brings you joy?

And every day the question is different.

I can already see your two British faces.

No, thank you.

Whoa.

Not in the mood for it.

It gets worse.

Not at all.

The menu items

named what are they called yeah like uh like gratitude bowl uh

hope hope

like burrito but you have to order it by saying like i i feel

gratitude or i feel happiness well i would like yeah i would like the happiness yeah yeah please i would like the happiness the happiness of a burrito bowl yeah but i have to say the food is

if you're like looking for all an alternative the food is delicious because it has to be and one like say they've a cake made out of avocado and you're like, this is bullshit, actually.

It's really lovely.

Like a key lime pie made out of avocado.

And one of the things I had as an alternative to calamari was, it's called Young Coconut.

And every time I said it, you know that song, because we're young, dumb, young, young, dumb, and broke.

I'm not sure if you know that song.

I don't know if you got any.

Every time, every time I heard it, it's like young, dumb, broke, high school kids.

Anyways, that's a song.

All my teen followers will know it who are listening in.

And every time I had to say young coconut, I wanted to say young, young, young, young coconut.

I bet they would have let you do that.

Yeah.

Oh, they would have absolutely been like that.

It brings you joy.

Sing, sing from your heart.

Sing from where you're going.

Young coconut does sound like a rapper with a tattoo on his face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big up, young coconut.

Yeah.

Y-U-N-G coconut.

Oh, young.

Or if he was a bit of a, you know, a philosopher, he could be called J-U-N-G, which is Carl Jung Coconut.

Wow, we're all over the place.

Highbrow, lying.

I don't know who my audience is, to be honest.

I would find it very difficult not to say something rude when they ask me what brings me joy, even though I'm not a blue.

Could I have a wank, please, Carol?

I'm not particularly blue.

You're not particularly blue.

But in that situation where everyone's being so earnest, I would find it very difficult not to want to ruin it.

Yeah.

I've never thought of you as not blue, but you're definitely not blue, James.

Yeah, not very blue.

You don't, yeah, you don't.

You might curse a bit, sure.

Yeah.

Sure.

Not an angel.

The genie from Aladdin's blue, though.

Oh, that's true.

Very joke.

He's very blue, yeah.

And that's a very clean jug.

Yeah, there we go.

It is the worst thing in the world is when you think you're doing family-friendly material.

For like, there's this gig, which I'll talk about later, actually,

on St.

Patrick's Day, which is one like family-friendly.

And I was like going through my settlers going, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

And until you're on stage, I didn't realize nearly everything I have ends with like middick or

fingering, or and I didn't know until the end so I had to sort of style out.

Yeah, but of course, as we all know, I got

an enjoyable evening out of it.

Well,

you don't realize sometimes your stuff's I remember chatting to you before you went into a gig that your family were going to be at, and you had to do your fingering routine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were talking to me quite seriously about it.

My mother, my aunt, her friend from work, Barbara, who's Paulish.

Lovely.

Yeah, and she actually, she came out and goes, No, it was actually a very, I got what you meant about

understood.

And I'm like, oh, thanks, Barbara.

She wasn't looking me in the eye, though.

So, yeah, so in this place, they did young coconut, which is a calamari substitute, and it was so delicious.

Right.

I thought I was eating, because coconut skin inside, when deep fat fried, is that kind of squashy white calamari stuff.

And it was so tasty.

And it made me think maybe we should leave those little fishies in the pond and just

eat those coconuts.

And what do you remember the question that they gave you to think about?

Oh, I'll be honest.

I've been a couple of times, guys.

I'm a white girl who's into crystals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't my first trip or my last.

I wonder if you remember any of your answers.

Oh, I think I definitely would have answered with a joke.

I never like totally buy into it.

I respect the right to do it.

Sure.

And I enjoy the vibe.

Yeah.

But I wouldn't maybe totally answer it because I'm like, well, I don't think we should stretch for happiness.

I think hopefulness and just an acceptance of who we are is probably better.

But that answer doesn't go down that well.

That would be great if you said that.

Expecting kites and rainbows.

So we've got calamari.

Yes, good start.

With a dip, with Ioli, you said.

I think so, Esther.

Yeah, I think that's a good choice.

Yeah.

It's a good one.

It's a really good, really good dip, actually.

Yeah, it's a good solid dip.

I wouldn't have it on a date.

You know,

it's not date food.

No, it's more pals.

Yeah.

You know, but you don't have to do it.

It's a pal dip.

So how is everything?

You know.

Because that's the thing about something garlicky, isn't it?

You have to have a level of comfort with the people you're with.

Big deal.

I mean, I remember my parents having discussions about

them having friends around for a meal when they were cooking a curry.

And I remember witnessing a huge chat about how much garlic was going in the curry beforehand because like,

oh, yeah, we're all going to go to...

Because they're going out afterwards as well.

Yeah.

It was a big night.

And they were like, I can't just feed everyone a garlicky curry.

And then I'll go out.

And you can feel it.

You feel it if you go out there.

Memory of my childhood, yeah.

Yeah,

yeah.

I think that's as, and you'd maybe have a wedge, a wedge of lemon on the side.

Oh, I would.

I'm so sorry, I forgot that.

Could you squeeze that over?

Oh, I would, I would.

Mark of being aware.

That's an interesting thing if you want another celebrity fact, because you know, I'm

absolutely being totally Hollywood now, arriving 20 minutes late.

Yeah, which you still get to apologise to me for.

So, I'm working on this Netflix show at the moment with Paul Rudd.

And I don't think he'll mind me telling this because I think it's mad.

Paul doesn't like sauces.

What?

That is very odd.

What a weird Hollywood.

No mustard.

No, yeah.

We've gone for food and we're eating together lunches and stuff.

He doesn't, no vinaigrettes, no mustard, no ketchup ed.

And I'm talking about a man who'll order chips or fries as we call them.

So you just eat them dry?

Dry.

Chicken, dry.

Everything, dry.

No sauces.

Big bowl of sand, please.

But does he not order dishes that allow me to do it?

He orders things.

Well, he'd order things, and can I get no sauce over that?

Or like, does it come with mustard or anything?

Or he'd have a burger, no ketchup or mustard.

Right.

What?

The nearest thing to a sauce being murdered.

What brings you joy, Paul Rudd?

Absolutely nothing.

Dryness.

I was.

I was like, Paul, it's the dinner of a psychopath that you could put up with that much dryness.

I remember one time, again, when I meet a friend I had, which is a popular choice of wedding, a hog roast.

And I turned up,

I turned up to the afters.

They'd made hog roast sandwiches

in flowery baps with no butter.

Oh,

and I nearly choked to death.

It was like it was so dry, it managed to suck the moisture from inside me and the air from my neck.

I was like,

crackling in it as well.

Yeah, yeah.

All the driest things with no stuffing?

Because that makes it even worse.

No, actually.

A lot of the time.

No.

Yeah, bread on bread actions.

Oh, God.

Bread squared.

Well, I hope they're divorced.

when we have when we have paul rudder on the podcast we'll be prepared for that yeah exactly expect a dry

we'll we'll deliberately bait him we'll ask him if he wants sauce with everything yeah you have to have a sauce does that extend to desserts would he not have it on an ice cream so interesting question he doesn't really eat sweets right i mean this is on the ant man

absolute piece of work

So yeah, he doesn't actually, though I did bring him a load because his parents are English.

And so I got him a load of like crunchies because they're the things he misses eats.

So dry.

Crunchies.

Yeah.

really dry honeycomb yeah um so yeah so that's the thing he remembers from his childhood beanos and crunchies so eccentric so eccentric man he's married to phoebe to be fair so he's got to be pretty yeah yeah yeah i mean the two

what the two of them must be like yeah yeah

There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

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So,

main, main course,

the big daddy.

The big daddy.

Now, this isn't, I don't know if I'd order this on death row, because Death Row is a very different kettle of fish.

Yeah.

What are you looking for in Death Row?

Your best possible meal or comfort at the time?

They come to your death row, don't they?

And they go,

what would you like to eat?

Also, what brings you joy?

You can eat me

before you go.

What brings you joy?

Someone believing my innocence?

Just someone believing me.

Okay, be right back with your KFC.

So,

yes, this,

i basically had like i was talking about earlier this saint patrick's day gig on the 17th of march about five years ago maybe four years ago and it's in the middle of trafalgar square 4 p.m now my birthday i'm not sure if you guys remember this from other years gone by my birthday is the 16th of march which is late before saint patrick's day and every year since i were probably five i've had a birthday party and they've got increasingly kind of like birthday party

since then And I go out and I get so excited to see my friends, but also so nervous that no one will turn up that I don't eat all day and mama has a drink and people hand me, especially if there's any sort of house party quality to them, which there was five years ago.

I think I had it in like a warehouse I rented out that everyone brought their own booze.

And my friend had gotten me a St.

Patrick's Day cup and kept on pouring kava into it, which I do believe I'm allergic to.

I mean, I'm not.

I just drink too much.

It just straight away.

So I was knocking back Kava all night.

And the next morning, myself and my sister had to go and clean up the warehouse before

I went into the St.

Patrick's Day cake.

So I'm still drunk cleaning up this warehouse.

And the night before, a friend of mine who's an actor, his name is Arthur Darville, on his way.

Do you know Arthur?

Was he in Doctor Who?

Yes, he is in Doctor Who.

Yes.

I'm thinking Broadchurch.

He might have been in that too.

Was he in Broadchurch as the vicar?

He might have.

Well, himself, I went, he was a year ahead of me at drama school, or like before I started.

And we've got a good friend, Hugh Skinner, who's also a lovely man.

He's in things like Mama Me and stuff.

God, I'm name-dropping all over the place.

Yeah, but he was the vicar in Broadchurch.

Great, but he has just caught him up on the list.

He was the vicar in Broadchurch, yes.

So the two of those thought it'd be funny en route to my birthday to buy a bag of frozen prawns and give them to me as a present.

And to be fair, it was.

And they would go around popping these frozen prawns into people's drinks like ice creams.

Now, absolutely hilarious.

I love a laugh as much as a naked laugh.

You ask anyone in town, does Ashling like a laugh?

They'll go, oh, Ashling, of course.

But the next day, when I was still a bit drunk and had to clean up an old warehouse in East London with the old prawns,

like

which we're now into probably hour 13, on the heated ground, it was so disgusting that I started vomiting then.

So your main is old frozen prawns.

Old frozen prawns.

I'm trying to see how this is going up because

the best main you've ever had.

So I basically vomited at the warehouse, yeah, then went home and vomited at my own house because the drink was wearing off.

That's the training in this episode, by the way.

Yeah, yeah.

Then I

have to get on the bus to go into Trafalgar Square to do this gig in the afternoon.

I had to get off the bus twice to vomit at the side of the bus.

Oh my god.

And I, and you know, there's like nothing left.

Like,

yeah.

Sweating like a pig in my Irish jersey because it's St.

Patrick's Day.

Everyone wearing green.

I get into Trafalgar Square, which is just full of Italian people wearing Irish jerseys, also getting hammered.

And I get backstage and I'm like,

and

I go on stage and going, what if I vomit on stage?

And thankfully I didn't, but I died in my arse because I was doing what I thought was family-friendly material at four o'clock in the afternoon in a giant tent in the middle of Trafalgar Square with a load of drunk Irish people in there and children, so many children up the front thinking it was hilarious.

And I was like, and then, of course, when you get to this sexy bit, you

respectfully, respectfully drive everyone home.

Like, there was just no way of getting around any of my material.

And I was so sick and pasty and pale.

But when I came off stage, it's like it was over.

Yeah.

It had finally been over.

And I told, I was there with

Ardlohanlon, Barry Murphy,

Barry Murphy,

and Darrow Breen.

And because we were all doing this Irish gig, Team Ireland in London.

And I thought, God, guys, it was my birthday last night.

And I really didn't think it, but I think I can finally eat again.

And they were like, have you ever been to Burger and Lobster in Soho?

And I hadn't been able to eat.

I hadn't eaten the whole day beforehand.

I'd vomited up every possible liquid and solid and mush in my tummy.

There was nothing left.

It was just a pure virgin belly, ready to have food at this stage, being cleansed of everything.

And I was like, I've never eaten a lobster before.

And they were like, you've never eaten a lobster before?

I'm like, oh, Ireland, no wonder the economy crashed.

And so we all went to Burger and Lobster.

And no offense to Dara, Ardell, and Barry.

Yep.

Three great Irish men.

Sure.

But I didn't.

fancy any of them and they didn't fancy me.

And to go to a restaurant when you're that empty of food and be given a bib and a little stick to get the buttery fish out of the lobster tail and not to fancy anyone.

So not to worry about the butter on your face and just sit there in a bib after vomiting for 13 hours straight.

I honestly was so close to nirvana.

I was like, yes.

And Arla was teaching me how to like...

get in get the little stick into its dead arms and pull out the you know and again sorry to all the blue planet fans but i was like yanking out the little bit of lobsters.

You get this little bit of a bag.

You're going home to have the bath in the dark.

Oh, yeah, eat it in the bath.

Just put it on a buttery, buttery bath.

Buttery bath.

Throw up a load of kerry gold into my bath

for my skin and just base myself like a lobster.

But I remember genuinely thinking, and I knew, you know, when you know you're not going to vomit anymore, it's the best feeling in the world.

You're like, oh, my whole life is now ahead of me because I've been so physically sad and unpredictable for so many hours.

And I just remember that as been one of the best.

And again, it came with the side of chips.

It was St.

Patrick's Day.

The birthday party had gone well.

I cleaned up all the old prawns in the warehouse.

And just to have that lovely buttery lobster.

Burger Lobster is kind of a place that friends from...

outside of London when they come to London and I tell them about burger and lobster get absolutely furious because it's exactly what they thought London was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For those of people who don't know, you basically can order a burger or a lobster and it's it's 20 quid i think it's gone up now it's just now gone up

more than 20 quid it was originally 20 quid yeah that was that was the selling point of it wasn't it yeah

and so that's like and when people hear everyone in london's going oh my god it's such a good deal lobster yeah 20 quid and then you tell anyone else they're like come on yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they started adding things to the menu which i didn't think was a necessarily a good idea because i thought there's the whole like usp of it was that it was two or three things actually oh i love

how many places do you love the lobster there's a place beside my house in new york called just salad and then it has pictures of toasts and soups and desserts and i'm like then just think about it in advance

what part of your business plan when you came up with this title did you not think like a don't it drives me nuts which they also do

we've got a very uh odd shop next to us where we live um which is it used to be a corner shop with a post office hatch at the back great love it then the corner shop shut down but the post office hatch was still in the back for a while.

So it was an empty room with a post office hatch at the back, and you'd have to walk through like a deserted shop.

Then it was taken over by some posh people, and it's now called Ella's.

And it's a florist, a coffee shop, and a wine-selling place.

But the post office hatch is still in the back.

So you've got these really posh people running around going, oh, yeah, one flower, that's £25, please.

With the grumpiest Indian man sat in the back.

Oh, no.

They're not interacting with each other, like he's just trying to get with the post.

Do you know, though?

I have to say, I feel like I know the demographic of that shop.

Yeah, you know, like someone goes in for a coffee and they're picking up flowers that evening because they're having people round, yeah, and they're going to get a lovely bottle of wine, but flowers would be nice as well.

It'd be so nice if we have some flowers, yeah.

And then, do you know what?

I do have to send off my tax form.

Yeah, yeah,

like I can see the people who go into that place.

That's the sort of area.

I've got a shop that just did everything.

Yeah.

I, I, I, I, do you know, that's the one thing about America Are they bloody pharmacies?

It's like they should have Willy Wonka outside going, if you want to view paradise, simply look around.

You can get anything like this.

Oh, the sin CVS in

the frying pan, tuna tuna, nail file, cleanser, morning after pill without any questions.

It's just a joy.

You try and get on one of those things in the UK without anything else.

Because

I can't take my morning after pill unless it's mashed up into some tuna.

I went to one of them and had a nail file.

Yeah.

A throw-yo stand there that also did like sorbets and stuff and you can little samples so you could just get a shot of,

every time I went there, I'd get a shot of the apple sorbet.

It was real, real sour and nice and just walk around.

Do you think

you could ever be friends with someone who didn't love a sample?

Do you think that's a good idea?

No, I don't.

Although I've known people who have liked samples too much.

I'm going to say it.

Oh, I know those people.

You always know they'd make terrible lovers because you're like, there's a point at which you're taking the piss by how much you're taking from me and how much you're not buying.

Put it that way.

You're putting no money into this and I just keep giving you things for free.

Do you act?

I always act, though, when I'm taking the sample.

So I'll be like, yeah.

And then I'll like, I'll like,

oh yeah, I'm just going.

They don't care.

They don't care.

They're like, I'm just going to go around once more, but I'll probably come back and get some.

I think once where,

so I was with my girlfriend at the time and we went into a shop that she regularly regularly went to

and she would always get a sample.

And Summers probably.

See, I am much bluer.

I'm much bluer than you guys.

This truly is the Blue Planet.

That's as much as that.

A Blue Planet callback got buried under stuff there.

That was really good.

Oh, Blue Planet.

Really good.

Yeah, yeah.

Pump that up, Benito.

But also, it got buried under a lovely joke from Ashling where she did an example of someone taking a sample of a vibrant.

That's enough, that'll do me.

Yeah, thank you.

I'll go back around.

I'll come back to you, though.

There's

so much good stuff going on at once.

Yeah.

But yeah, she went in there and got a cookie sample, a little sample of a little cookie.

She always have a sample of cookie when she went in that shop.

So we went in there together.

I bought something she bought that.

Then we went somewhere else and I was like, oh, I should buy,

I should have got a bottle of wine from that place where we'll go back there.

So we went back and I'm buying the wine at the...

thing and I could hear her having an argument in the background and I'm looking over and we come out.

She's like, they won't give me me another sample in that place.

And I was like, all right.

They said, it just says one sample per person.

I was telling them, it's for you.

I was like, it wasn't for me.

She's like, yeah, they didn't know that.

And so she'd done a whole argument about how she was getting a cookie sample for me.

And they were like, well, he's got to come and get it.

He's buying the wine.

I'm getting it for him.

Yeah, yeah.

I know, I know,

I know your friend who that is.

And I have to say, we love tiny bites of things.

It's the one thing that connects us as friends.

And our favorite thing to do, we've gone to a few weddings together.

We just love tiny bites.

It's not even the greenest of it, it's the tiny bit.

Tiny bites sounds like that's another friend of yours.

Yeah, and we just love tiny bites.

Hi, yo, what's up?

It's me, young coconut.

I'm so happy to collaborate with tiny bites.

Young coconut, featuring tiny bites.

Because we're young, young, young, young coconut.

But our favorite thing to do,

and he's really short with all these very tall models around him.

But we loved, we loved tiny bites,

just crunching on their ankles.

Maybe that would be like when tiny bites would shout out, crunch in, crunch in.

Oh, yeah.

But we do, and we always have gone to a few weddings together.

And our favorite thing is we're always like, okay, spread out.

And we try to see where the waiters are coming out of.

So we can like grab, because we want to sample everything.

So we always stand near a door and the two of us will sort of go yeah yeah yeah I mean I love the oh it was so nice when they did the poem but we're sort of slowly moving towards the corner hi sorry yeah could I actually get one of those and we we love just little little bites little bites because there's something about not having to nail yourself down to one choice you don't have to just like go even with this I'm like oh I have to choose one thing tiny bites oh yeah yeah

you can have so many things I'm just thinking about him sorry just little tiny bites also I'm quite excited for your meal so far because um if I was to like I've always had a thing in my head of my dream banquet because I can't choose I can't choose just one meal like this.

I always think about a table full of all the food I like.

So tiny bites.

Tiny bites, yeah, for example.

And this is the closest yours is the closest so far to things that I would have.

So I would have the Tai Kanamari from cassaba at my banquet and also had the lobster roll from Burger and Lobster at my banquet.

There's two things that were already in my head before we started.

Can you imagine tiny bites of lobster roll?

Just little tiny bites of it.

Well actually I can't get beyond tiny bites being a little rapper, so that's why I go vacant every time you say tiny bites.

So here's a bit of a dilemma.

Your main from Burger and Lobster comes with fries as standard.

And now we've got to pick another side.

Yes.

Duh, duh, duh.

Double potato.

Double potato.

It's tiny bites.

I'll go.

I'll go.

Because this is what I was asking.

Does the meal have to be up to you?

It's up to you, but it's up to you.

No one's judging you on this.

It sounds like the two of you are judging me on this.

Oh, you do double potato if you want.

I will be choosing a big creamy bowl of mash.

Oh,

even, and you're not having sushi?

Well, no, I'll put sushi on your mouth.

Sushi.

I have a joke, and it's not really

totally relevant because

that would be a Japanese-Irish mix.

But I have a joke, which is, and it's, I remember, I think I did it at a gig before, and you came out and booed me afterwards.

You were seeing.

I booed you?

Yeah, I think you did.

It was at the Union Chapel, and I thought I'd try it out.

I feel like it might have been you, and I said, I'm going to go on and try this joke, and it's terrible.

Yeah.

And then you came out afterwards and were like, boo, Ashling.

And it was very funny at the time.

But here's my big joke:

my ex-boyfriend was Irish Chinese.

His name was Pat Noodle.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's why I booed it.

Yeah.

Pat silence was what it got on the day as well.

Yeah, I thought so.

I wasn't sure if it was a room itself, or yeah, yeah.

I think a silence is worse than a boot.

Yeah, I thought it was gonna be like

a routine about food because, like, we always booed Josh Williams.

Sorry, I'm just glubber

on my side.

She just had a big gulp of her green juice.

There you go, just on the white hit of the jumper, though.

That was not a tiny bite.

You took it, that was a big gulp.

Yeah, I was big gulp.

Big gulp is tiny bites.

bites.

Yeah, yeah.

He's in his crew.

Big gulp is the big guy who's standing.

Big gulp's the DJ.

Big gulp gets Bing Gulp gets paid despite really only shouting his name over every trip.

But it's enough to keep him going, like by a small semi-detached.

Like he's happy with what he doesn't like.

Tiny Bite comes in and goes, Yo, yo, I'm Tiny Bites.

That's canopies, canopies.

Sorry, Tiny Bites also exclusively wraps about small fish.

Nibbles, nibbles.

And then in the background, like, we'll go big gop.

Yeah, yeah.

Big gop.

In the background.

It's called DJ Carlid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

So you're going to be Jazzy Jeff.

Big old creamy bowl of mash.

Big old creamy bowl of mash.

Is it from anywhere else?

Is it my own hand?

Do you make good mash?

I do make good mash, lads.

What's your secret?

Secret is.

Kerry Gold, I'm guessing.

Kerry Gold.

Without a doubt.

First of all.

Big lob of butter.

You want to get, and this is actually going to be a lot of details.

And sorry if I interrupted here.

No.

Do you have Kerry Gold on the.

You're having Kerry Gold on the sourdough bread, on the lobster.

Oh, yeah.

And

in the bash, yeah.

Just checking.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm all about that branding, about that branding.

Yeah.

So

bring back my Kerry Gold because there's not much of it left, but there's enough for mash out of a bar.

And you want to be specific about your spuds, guys.

And that's not me asking you to check yourselves for testicular cancer.

I mean,

but also do, please check your spuds, boys.

What brings me joy?

What brings you joy?

Check on me spuds.

Okay, thanks.

I'll just take your word.

And so I,

Queen's spuds are available in Ireland, but ironically, not available in England.

And they are a very flowery, flowery spud.

And just when you mash them up, they've got a dryness to them.

They're not waxing.

As King Edward would do.

That's a flowery spud.

Nah, nah, nah.

As Lil Bites might say.

Tiny bites, rather.

Lil Bites is his brother, like Minnie Snoop or whatever he's called.

And

yeah, that's right.

Minnie Snoop.

Mini Snoop.

What is his name?

Lil Dog.

He's a somewhat, isn't there?

Yeah.

There is a like.

Lil' Bow Wow.

Lil Bow Wow, Yippee Yo, Yippee Yay.

You'll wear my dog's hat.

Yeah, that's who it is.

So, flowery queen potatoes, not a waxy Edward, please.

That's my nickname.

Waxy Edward.

And as you come onto stage, they go Waxy Edward on.

And then as you leave, you go Waxy Edward off.

That sounds delicious.

Yeah, and so Mash Mup, Kerry Gold, milk.

Yes.

Secret.

Salt.

Papa Pepper's here.

You just reminded me.

I used to work in the kitchen.

Yeah.

And Ed doesn't know this about me.

He's going to absolutely love this.

Oh, God.

I had the nickname, the Mash King.

Oh, I love it.

I was so good at making the mash.

I would get called the Mash King in the kitchen.

I've completely forgotten about it

until you said milk.

As soon as you said milk, I remembered.

Suddenly,

it's like in

one of the Bourne films where suddenly you're remembering.

I'm the Mash King.

I was the Mash King.

I was the Mash King.

Or a nanny episode of CSI, we're like, we just can't crack this case.

It's like it's a joke.

And there's someone go, a joke?

A joke.

One minute, I'll be back in an hour.

Just tell us where you're going.

We have all the time down in the lift where you have the time to tell us.

So that's good.

So you've got the Mash King right here.

The Mash King's right here.

The Mash King approved.

Do you know what my only worry about that, James?

Is I used to be in Inverted Commas really good at cleaning the house and the fridge in my house.

And mommy would say, Oh, Ashing, you're so good at cleaning the fridge and the.

And now I know it's like, I was like, me?

Good?

Okay, I'll keep doing it.

I feel like that was maybe the shit job.

Sure.

And they were like, James, aren't you so good?

We're going to call you the MASH King.

and you're like oh all right I said it was not the people who uh were in charge who called the meet the mash king it was the people who um so the basically the people who worked on washing up and stuff the mash subjects who would then eat leftover food because that's what you do when you work a washing up in a kitchen well they would complain with so I remember I'd come back from the shift and go oh Someone else was working the last shift, James, and it was not the same.

The mash was not as good because the mash king didn't make it.

It was so

I put, I think I put cream instead of interesting

butter, salt and pepper,

really mashed it good.

And I did take a lot of pride in it, actually.

You know what you could also throw in there, James?

Some parsley.

Oh, yeah, I don't mind if I do.

I think they would sprinkle it on the top when they sent it out in a dish, but maybe mixed into it.

Because how precocious a young child I was, my grandmother made me some mashed potatoes.

My grandmother once made me some mashed potatoes, and she was a very, she was a very healthy lady,

always looking after her health.

And I said, what have you put in these mashed potatoes?

And she said, oh, Margarine.

My mum remembers this distinctly.

I said, Gary Rhodes uses double cream.

Could have more on brand.

What a little dick.

You know the things you only want from your house.

Like my friend's mother sent me home to my own house for my dinner once because she's like, I can't have Ashley Ashley anymore because I only liked what I liked for my house.

One of them was

consomme soup.

And it sounded so French.

And this was like

old bone.

It's like broth, isn't it?

It's like old bone.

But I just knew that's what I liked.

And what I probably liked was salt.

And I'd like asked for consomme.

And then I didn't know.

what the word vanilla was.

So I just knew I liked Hazelbrook Farm ice cream.

And so when I go around my friends, like she'd like, do you want some soup?

I was like, is it consomme?

And she's like, do you want some ice cream?

Is it Hazelbrook Farm?

what i didn't know is the word vanilla but like i just wanted nothing to be different to the way it was in my house oh it's great

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What drink would you like?

I'd imagine a big cup of melted kerrygold.

Yeah, yeah, please.

She knows that there's this coffee they have and it's like bulletproof coffee.

Yes,

it's so one of for bodybuilders, Kerrygold has become the like go-to because it's a really pure

grass-fed beef and all that kind of stuff.

So, like, bodybuilders are putting kerry gold into their coffee at the moment.

And, um, yeah, they melt it in there for like extra good fats.

Amazing.

And then it, like, what the point is that the coffee slowly releases energy rather than makes you go, wing.

Right, okay.

Um, which there is some science to, but, um, with the drink, it's interesting because I love a cup of green tea.

I drink tea, I'd say I have eight or nine cups a day.

Wow.

Yeah, all of them.

And what annoys everyone in my life is that I drink half the cup.

Make a whole one, drink half because I get distracted.

Four cups of tea a day.

Maybe, maybe.

Sometimes maybe two.

I sip and I'm like, yeah, lovely.

So I do love a cup of tea.

And if I was in death row, I'd love a cup of tea.

But I'm actually going to have to Google this on my phone.

I went to a cocktail bar in

a cocktail bar in

New York City recently and had the nicest cocktail.

It was so bloody delicious and alcohol-y.

It felt adultine, like a treat.

Cocktails do make you feel grown.

Some cocktails make you feel grown.

Yeah, they have to taste like that.

I don't.

I think I got into cocktails through the really sweet ones, whiskey sours and stuff.

You can't even taste the alcohol in it.

But now I have to have ones where you could taste it.

I'm a vodka martini man through and through.

Really?

Love it.

Yeah.

To kick off a meal.

To kick off a meal.

I absolutely love a vodka martini because it's a little bit of a little bit of rockets.

I can't remember what it's called, so sorry to the actual establishment.

But it's in Highgate or somewhere, or Tufnall Park or Archway.

And it was a vegetarian place, and they did this martini.

It was a Vesper martini,

but they used like it was kept in,

they grew their own rosemary in the garden,

and then they would put that in, and they would leave it there for ages, like maybe weeks, maybe months before they gave it to you.

And it is,

that's the best martini I've ever had.

Actually, one of the best.

I want it so badly now.

I remember you telling me about that place, Tufnell Park.

Yeah, Tufnell Park.

Do you definitely like do you?

Because what happens at me is as like clear eating, or when you're trying to be healthy, they recommend you have like vodka soda lime as a drink.

So that's a go-to drink.

But I'm not sure if I enjoy it or I'd have like trained myself to go, it's not that bad.

Do you definitely like that one as a no?

I really do actually like it.

You do actually like it because you probably have to be careful what drinks you have with your old diabetes.

The old diabetes.

Yeah, all alcohol is a bit annoying because it, it, yeah, I don't want to have anything to use because it spikes at the bench, so it drops it quite soon after.

So

I'm trying trying to find it.

I'm looking for a photo of the I took.

I basically, do you know what it is?

It's more the name of the place is a phrase, and I keep on forgetting it because it's kind of like pass the parcel or passing ships in New York City, and it's a bit it had a speakeasy vibe to it, and it was really nice.

Anyways, wherever this place is, I had this cocktail called something like Love Me Good, and it was vermouth

and cherry liqueur, a cherry in it, but it still managed to not be too cherry-ish, and maybe a whiskey as well.

And a rye, you know, it was rye in it.

Yeah.

And oh my god, it tasted desserty and whiskey-ish, and I love, love whiskey.

And it just sort of covered my tongue in yumminess.

And I just felt so adult drinking it.

Yeah.

Speakeasy in New York.

I felt like an adult.

Add your mad mad mouth.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I felt like a sort of,

yeah, like a bright, yeah, brown kind of brown drink in New York.

Yeah.

That sounds.

Been in New York having a brown drink feels great, actually.

I'm getting quite excited about it.

Sorry to be a bit blue and I know you guys aren't, but having a brown drink really feels like a terrible euphemism for something.

So Patrick's Day again.

Yeah, having a brown drink.

So

we don't want to overrun in this restaurant because you've only got the table for a certain amount of time.

Sure.

What a really nice way of saying, Ashling, hurry up.

No, no, no.

A lot of this has been us.

It's me getting distracted with little bites.

I had a lot of fun.

No bites.

It's putting ass.

Who's tap ass?

No, no, that's what that's one of the things that he would say.

Oh, right.

And that's one of the things.

And then he'd like tap an ass.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like to tap ass.

Can I pay?

Can I pay?

For tap ass.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

I like to tap ass.

Can I pay?

Glad to tap ass.

Put nibbles into it.

Or volovo.

Looking at your nibbles.

Yeah, volunteer.

You'd like to tap ask and a pay.

See you at the buffet.

Oh, man.

Right, guys.

See you later.

I'm retiring and I'm becoming a rapper.

But there's minds.

Can I pay with buffet?

Okay,

it's dessert time.

It is

dessert time.

I'm picking a dessert.

That was more.

When I was growing up, we had these lovely neighbors who lived next door.

And one day they sold their house and were replaced by two English people.

But we kept our minds open.

Maybe they wouldn't be that bad.

And so,

Shirley and Tim moved in next door.

Uh, two English names, never met a Tim before.

We didn't actually know any English people, we genuinely, we just didn't know any English people.

My mother knew a jockey called Bob Champion, who

was English and had come to our house before, but genuinely, we didn't sort of know what they'd be up to.

I don't know, they try and steal things from us.

We didn't know us what their vibe would be.

Was he good, Bob Champion?

Was he a champion?

No,

no, he was.

He actually was a champion jockey.

There was a film made about him, so he was the first celebrity we met because he survived cancer and then went back on to win a big race.

I can't remember what it was.

Wow.

Sea biscuit, Bob.

Was it sea biscuit the film?

No, but that was my dessert.

Butter, lobster, and a biscuit.

So, yeah, Bob Champion,

I think my brain's.

Tim and Shirley.

Tim and Shirley.

Shirley.

Tim and Shirley

invited us up for dinner at their house and we were like, oh, we're going for dinner.

And I was like 11 or something like that.

Normal dinner.

Didn't try and poison us or anything.

We were delighted.

And then they got to dessert.

And I'd never had pecans or hazelnuts before, which now is, are, guys.

two of my favorite nuts.

They're derogue for you.

Oh, yeah.

You know how I love those little bites.

I would say just as a

original little bit.

A roasted, salted pecan is, I think, my favourite snack in the world.

Carry on.

See, salted for me, pecan.

Pecan for me is a sweet thing.

I don't agree.

I told you at the start to

crossing the streams.

Don't want to fall out.

But she had made a cake,

like a tart rather, with a hazelnut mousse.

Bits of hazelnut thrown into the mousse then, set it and put roasted pecans on top of it with some kind of glaze.

And I just never had, like it was a dessert like off the telly.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, no wonder you guys took over half of the bloody world.

Look at you.

And you'd be welcome to have our country back with, if this is what we are to expect, instead of a scone or apple tart.

God, I feel so basic now.

And it was so, I remember just going, oh,

a posher level of life.

Yeah.

It presented to the daughter.

You know what?

It may have seemed nicer having a posher level of life up there, but then you guys went back down to the bottom of the ship and had a good old dance, didn't you?

Ah, we did, we did.

First to drown, though, once they uh they didn't, the upper glass didn't open the cages to let us into the lifeboats, true, and always down with a lovely little belly full of tart

and a head full of music.

Um, so yeah, that that always strikes me because when I thought of dessert, I'm not the biggest dessert person in the world, I'm a savory gal.

Y'all know how much I love butter.

Um, butter all day, butter all night.

My favourite butter dish, if you're asking, and I think you are because I know we've got lots of time left,

dishes.

My friend, my friend as a dish with a fat Buddha as a lid and it's a Buddha dish.

That's very clever.

God, that got as much as my pod noodle joke.

I thought that was a serious thing.

It's a Buddha.

It's a Buddha.

It's a butter dish with Buddha on the Buddha.

So it looks like he's like really fat over the butter and it's a Buddha dish.

You do so many accents that I thought you were doing another New York accent of butter.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was just doing another,

I'm treating James to another little trip into the imagination.

You did go into it so casually as well.

Like, and my favourite butter dish, as if that was a pretty standard question.

So, yeah, he's still catching up.

Do you know what, guys, I didn't realize would be happening during the podcast?

A review of everything I say.

Sorry.

So, a hazelnut and pecan tonight.

Yeah, just the nuttiness of it.

That I know hazelnuts are, oh, they're such a tasty.

May I ask how you conducted yourself that evening once you'd eaten the tarts?

Because surely you wanted some more tarts and you had to be smart about when you asked for it.

I didn't really at the time.

I think I was getting away with being 11.

Also, like when I was 11, I kind of had this personality.

So I wasn't, I've never been a shy person.

And I think I've been like, and I also...

I like being around elderly people a lot.

I'm like, where did you get this chart shorty?

Jesus was like, I can have another bit of it.

So yeah, I was able to like horse it into my face.

That's loads and loads of wood.

Yeah, like elderly.

I can remember.

Was it with the whole family or just you?

I can't actually remember.

I think I was so brought into this swirl of,

wow.

I just remember me sitting at their kitchen table eating.

I don't remember anything else afterwards.

I think they might have put it in the middle of the day.

Weeks passed actually and

I've no memories.

I never saw Tim and Shirley again.

Yeah, but I have that tattoo with numbers on my back.

I don't know what happened.

Mr.

Jeannie Waiter, would you like to take us through the order?

Absolutely.

Let me just get your order right.

God, it's taken ages to order, hasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We kept doing the whole meal at once.

We were very

social.

You would like some still water and some sourdough bread with some kerry-gold butter.

Thank you.

You'd like calamari to start, salt and pepper, preferably, with some aioli

dip and

squeeze a lemon.

Squeeze a lemon on top of it.

You would like lobster from burger and lobster as your main course, which comes with fries.

It must be served with people I don't fancy in a bib.

There has to be three people that eat three pepperbly Irish men who you do not fancy.

So I couldn't bring any of the three of you guys.

Thank you.

Nice to be involved in that, Great Benito.

A mash, creamy, made by your own hands.

Made by my own hands.

Kerrygold in there as well.

Also lobster, for burger lobster, if it could have kerrigold butter, that'd be great.

A Love Me Good drink, Love Me Good cocktail.

Oh, yeah, if it's called that, whatever it is.

Yeah, it is now.

And

also Shirley and Tin's Hazel Dutt and Pekantart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very deserved.

And have a satisfied customer.

Yeah, absolutely.

How much is that going to cost me?

Nothing.

What?

It's on the house.

Jesus Christ.

It's on the house.

Part of it, me being a genie, means that I'm able to rob a bank to pay for it for you.

Ashling, thank you so much for coming to the restaurant.

You have been a wonderful guest, and I apologise for the lateness of the waiter.

Oh my gosh.

Yes, I apologise as well.

I was stuck in my lamp.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Ashling.

Thank you so much, guys.

I've enjoyed myself, and I will count this as a date.

And I'll tell you which one I'll be picking out of the three of you

within an email.

We'll let everyone know in the next episode.

I'll be late for a date, won't I?

Yeah.

Put it this way, James.

Not to spoil anything, but it won't be you.

Oh, oh.

Thank you very much.

Bye.

And we'd like to do a big shout-out to Lil' Bites, Big Gulp, all the fans.

I was that one.

No, I think that was fun.

Young coconut.

Oh, young coconut.

And of course, my boy, Young Coconut.

Bloody good episode, that, mate.

What a great meal.

I loved it so much.

Well done.

I think that's probably the closest to what you might have.

Yeah, well, you know, it was close to the

Thai calamai from Basaba.

Yeah.

The lobster roll from Burger and Lobster.

Those would be very close contenders from my favourite meal.

And I saw when Ashling was talking about that pecan tartar, I saw your eyes light up.

I did like the sound of it, yeah.

But I haven't tried Shirley and Tim's pecan tart.

But it appeals to you that it was made by people called Shirley and Tim as well.

Very much so.

Yeah, I like the fact it was made by Shirley and Tim.

They sound like good, honest folks.

Yeah, they do.

So that was Ashling B, a wonderful, wonderful comedian, actor, all of those things.

You can actually see Ashling stand-up on Netflix.

The comedy lineup.

On the comedy line-up.

It's like a sort of a 15-minute set, I believe, like a 15-minute special.

Which, by the way, is not enough.

Once you watch Ashling for 15 minutes, you'll be trolling for clips of her on YouTube, trying to get so much more Ashton B B in your life.

Let me tell you, yummy, yummy, yummy.

That's what you'd be saying.

Give me some more, Ashling.

Oh, yeah.

Um, that 15-minute special, which I think is enough, actually, generally.

I think any longer than that,

personally, for stand-up.

I mean, it's what is it?

It's two hours, 45 minutes shorter than your Netflix content, isn't it, James?

Yeah, well, you know,

it'd take a lot longer to get going.

Ashling's got more information.

Yeah, I brought it to Postland.

By the way, Ashling is still in the room and really laughing.

Sorry, yummy, yummy, yummy.

yummy.

Yummy, yum, yum.

You should delight it, yeah.

So it's very fun.

It's great fun talking about someone as if they're not here when they're sat in the room.

Yep.

Don't mind me.

Just ignore them.

Do you drive me?

So that's where you can check out Ashling's content.

Personally, I'd like to say, please come and see me on tour.

I'm touring my show that's called Blizzard.

I start in late Jan, kicking off at Norwich Playhouse for a couple of nights, and then I go all over the country for the few months after that.

Oh, that'll be a fantastic show.

Because you go to Ed Gamble.

And once you've watched it, you will want it more and you'll go on YouTube.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, Ed Gamble.

Edgamble.co.uk forward slash gigs is where you can check out the tour.

I'm also on tour.

It's called Colders Anya, Hate Myself, 1999.

And also,

me and my friend Josh Whitticomb have filmed a series for Dave called Hypothetical.

It's a panel show where we ask the guests, we pose the guests, hypothetical scenarios.

And so that is coming out, I believe, early Feb.

I wonder what sort of legends appear on episodes of that.

You are on it.

Yep, Ed's on it.

Ash Ashen was away.

Right.

He was not in the country.

So

check out all of those things.

Yeah, yeah.

Get yourselves onto iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcast.

Subscribe to this podcast.

Review it.

Tell your friends.

Just

us know.

Instagram it actually, thank you, Ashling.

Let us know what your picture of you listening to it and it would be

eating your favourite food.

A picture of you eating your favourite food with hashtag off menu podcast.

And I'll tell you what, I guarantee you this, I'll never respond.

Follow us on Twitter as well

at offmenuofficial.

That's where you need to be looking.

Yeah.

Follow us.

We'll be sending updates about who we've got coming up.

We've got some wonderful guests coming up.

Say we.

Including.

The great Benito's going to be doing that.

Who have we got coming up?

Shall I just name some people and then hope that they hope it will be Lou Sanders coming up?

Phil Wang.

Tom Hardy.

Worth a punt.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

Paul Rudd's coming on to do his dry meal.

Yeah.

No sauces.

Yeah.

That's a different podcast.

So keep listening, subscribe, all that sort of shit.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.