Neil Hannon (The Divine Comedy)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the ravioli of conversation and boiling it in the water of humor, then grating over the parmesan of friendship and put a black

black pepper!

That was an interesting one.

I thought, oh, it's going for a very short one.

And then you obviously thought in your head, no, that's too short.

So you added the parmesan.

Well, no, I didn't think it was too short, because I do like to do a short one now and again, because it makes me laugh.

But then I thought, I wouldn't just have plain rabioli and I've got to be honest to my audience and that's where all the best comedy comes from isn't it from honesty that is Ed Gamble he's an honest man my name is James Acaster a liar and this is the off-menu podcast giver we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert cider shan drink not in that order and this week our guest is Neil Hannan.

Neil Hannan, a musical legend, James, the Divine Comedy.

An absolute musical legend.

Very, very excited having Neil Hannon on, especially because the Divine Comedy have a new album out.

Brainy Sunday afternoon out on the 19th of September.

Very excited to meet Neil.

I've seen the Divine Comedy live.

He's a very

productive, inventive musician.

Also, the Divine Comedy are going on tour.

October 2025.

That's this year.

That's this year, of course.

They're going all over the place.

They're playing some cool venues, doing a couple of shows at the Barbican.

They're doing the Philharmonic Hall in Liverpool, Royal Concert Hall in Nottingham.

Go to thedivinecomedy.com and you can get all the info for that tour.

But listen, we love Neil Hannon, we love the divine comedy.

However, if Neil does pick the secret ingredient, a good ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is crisps and tea.

That's from a lyric in National Express.

Yes.

Where the hostess sells crisps and tea.

Yes.

And her art is the size of a small country.

I remember that.

Yeah.

It's a good song.

Yeah, yeah.

it's a great song quite a broad secret ingredient i would say it's two secret ingredients and it's things that people really like

yes now do we make it that if neil asks for them together

crisp and tea yeah we kick him out or is it if he says or tea do we have to wait yeah for tea to come up because it definitely has i know what you'll do if he says crisp you'll be like do you want a drink with that

Because I know what you're like.

Yeah, you do know what I like.

Yeah, you're cheeky.

And listen, me being honest.

I will do that.

Yeah.

Immediately.

So, like, yeah.

But, like, I think if Neil says crisps or tea,

that's fine on its own.

If later on in the podcast, he then chooses

the other one.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

So if he says crisps and then later on he says tea, well, but that's crisp and tea.

You're out.

Out.

So it'll be quite a tense episode.

What if he chooses tea and then crisps?

Yeah, that's still out.

Crisps and tea, though, is the...

Tea and crisps.

I just don't want to kick him out.

I think we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Because I'll be honest, my wife's a massive fan.

And if we kick Neil Hannan at the dream restaurant, she might leave me.

You'll be in the doghouse.

I'll be in the doghouse, mate.

I think we've got to cross that bridge when we come to it.

It's tea and crisps.

I think we make the case for it.

I know I'm going to try and kick him out.

I get the sense you're not.

Benito might be the deciding vote.

He's shaking his head.

He's not going to do it.

Benito will be in the dog ass as well.

Toast loves him.

Toast loves to find comedy.

Yeah.

In fact, no, that's if you annoy Toast, you don't go in the doghouse, do you?

That's if that's a privilege.

Yeah, if it's welcoming you either.

Yeah.

I'm in the doghouse with Toast.

He loves me at the moment.

He loves me.

Can't get enough of me.

He's invited me over.

Well, let's see what happens.

Yes, let's just

see what happens.

This is the off-menu menu of Neil Hannon.

Welcome, Neil, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

Welcome, Neil.

Hannah, to the Dream Restaurant, but it's been here for some time.

Oh, fantastic.

This is a joy.

Nice to see you, Neil.

Nice to see you, too, James.

And thank you very much, Ed.

And thank you very much for having me.

And wow.

Is that a wow at the shock and awe of seeing a genie for the first time?

Well, that is it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the genie thing, I mean, that's cool.

That takes a lot of pressure off

because I can ask for really stupid stuff.

Yes.

But I just love the idea.

I am envisaging you as a genie.

Thank you.

I hope that's okay.

You have very baggy pants.

Yeah, yeah, very baggy.

Like crisscross.

Like crisscross.

But not backwards.

Yes.

Or like you can't touch this person.

Yes.

He had baggies.

And you couldn't touch them.

No, you would never be able to touch them.

I imagine if, even if you were a a musician on the same bill as him, it'd be very hard to resist not trying to touch him

because he's kind of

that's his fault.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, well, you think because he's saying you can't touch this, then that invites touching?

Because, yeah, because you can then say forever, I touched him.

Yeah.

I did touch him.

I did touch him.

Is there something that like people, because of one of your songs, will like always do or bring up to you that is the thing you've heard the most?

Well, they'll usually say, I was on that National Express the other day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Oh, good.

How was it?

It's like just because you're a nice, polite man, do you always follow up with the, with, with the conversation?

Or

I am fantastically polite.

I was just brought up well.

And, you know, no matter how dumb your question to me, I'm going to be nice to you.

Well, good.

That promises a lot then for this.

It's a few dumb questions on design.

Is it nice to know that sometimes when people go on the National Express, they do just have your song in their head the whole time?

I went on a 12-hour National Express trip once, and it was the whole time in my head.

Really?

Just buh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-fair time I ever went to the Odinburg Festival.

It was a last-minute decision.

It was a 12-hour National Express, and it was all that was going on in my head the whole time.

That's fantastic.

Well, I am very chuffed that you should have my song, no matter how annoyed you were by the end of the trip.

That was horrible.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know why people don't do that more often, you know, in their careers.

You know, just just choose a random kind of venerable national institution and write a song about it i mean i didn't mean for it to happen but it it was great

would you deliberately do one if there's a national institution you you know that you couldn't do it again get onto it be greedy no i've done my national institution are you not are you not tempted to maybe go even more upmarket maybe go like write a song called first class emirates or something first class emirates yeah

just in case they give me a freebie yeah Yeah.

I can't see how it would sort of really scan

in a line.

I don't think it matters.

I think they'd be happy regardless.

I think you just do the same song, re-release it like Candle in the Wind, and change it to first-class Emirates.

I'm trying to think of anything that reminds me Emirates, though.

Yeah, that's hard.

I'm usually pretty good at this, but you know, conglomerates is the nearest I can get.

There you go.

First-class Emirates, but gas conglomerates.

Do you love food?

Sorry, now I'm just trying to find rhythms.

I see the cogs wearing that.

Food and I have a difficult relationship.

Not because I want to eat it all or anything.

It's because

it's root into me, past my awful teeth.

And, you know,

you'll notice the last 20 years of photographs of me, I smile like,

I always just thought you were very saucy.

Yeah, saucy man.

Yeah.

I can see where the confusion has arisen.

But

I have liked food more in the past when I found it easier to eat.

Now, sort of angel delight would be perfect.

So your teeth joke, by the way, I never thought that you have awful teeth.

No.

And you came in and

I did not see any awful teeth.

I mean, it's all my own fault.

I was terrible to them as a kid, you know, ate lots of absolute rubbish and was very, very remiss in my brushing.

And

as time went on,

it didn't get much better and they started sort of collapsing,

like imploding, like a black hole.

And I just find myself swallowing bits of tooth.

This is lovely.

Is this why you turned down the ice cream doughnuts this morning?

It was partly that, I must admit.

I thought, oh, I can see pain on the horizon if I...

Do you eat the ice cream doughnut?

Yeah, we should say it's it's quite, I mean, fairly early in the morning in terms of.

Come at the quarter past 10 in the morning.

Yeah.

And Megan, who works at Place have turned up at the door with a huge freezer bag full of ice cream donuts and ice cream and things from crosstown.

I'm assuming they were sent to us, Ben, rather than Megan's gone mad.

She doesn't stick up.

Ben, you almost talked.

You almost talked there.

But we offered, that's the first thing we offered, Neil.

Neil arrived.

We said, would you like an ice cream donut?

And he said, it's a little bit early.

Yeah, which is...

Very polite.

Yeah, very polite.

Very polite.

Let's talk about the new album, Rainy Sunday Afternoon.

Very exciting.

Also, we've got to talk about this bonus disc.

There was a bit of a mix-up, apparently, and you got sent the super extra bonus album from the best of.

Yes.

Which is not what I am trying to promote at all.

Although it's quite good.

Oh, it was great.

I didn't listen to it this morning.

It's timeless.

It's mental.

We can double promote.

That is also available to listen to.

But the new album is Rainy Sunday Afternoon.

Yeah, out on September 19th.

I've made another album.

Now, how do you feel about that?

I feel good that I have made a bloody good album at this great age and like the 13th one I've made.

So that makes me happy.

But, you know, when am I going to stop?

When's this going to end?

It's ridiculous.

That is incredible, though, 13 albums.

Is the process easier now, it's that many, or is it back to square one every single time?

I think it's a little easier because I'm better at it.

I know what I want more, and I know how to get it.

And also because I care less about what people think of what I do.

Obviously, in the 90s, I really wanted to be a pop star.

And somehow I managed it.

It was crazy.

Not a very big one, but you know, medium pop star.

And I tried to keep a hold of that for a while until finally you realize the kids don't care, you know,

and why should they?

I wouldn't have cared about me as I got older.

So you just kind of concentrate on quality, you know, and doing the things you want to do and doing them really quite well.

And do you get, is there

a lot of the fans on tour, are they like from that original like, you know, 90s wave of fans?

Or do I bring in younger people with them as well?

There's a nice mix.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, the kids in the audience are usually the offspring of the original fans.

So,

yes, it's like

a monarchy now.

You know, they have a divine right.

Oh, nice.

Didn't even see that coming.

Yeah, but I noticed, you know, our audience, our audiences kind of thinned out a little in the 2000s and I didn't quite know what I was doing wrong.

And then suddenly everybody came for like 2010, you know, through to 2015.

They were all back and they said, we couldn't get babysitters

for 10 years.

Well, when you're writing songs now, is like, do you feel like you're a different person to, you know, when you started writing and we started doing music?

Are you thinking about them completely differently, lyrically?

No, I'm trying to just like be myself and be honest.

And, you know, it's always served me well in the past.

You know, I was very much myself in the early days.

And to my astonishment, people kind of enjoyed the obscure things that I did.

Maybe just because they had good tunes.

I don't know.

Now, you know, I'm in my 50s and I've got to face that fact and just, you know, write songs about my crumbling teeth, etc.

Yeah, so the huge, I mean, at the minute,

you're probably aware of this, but like

this ongoing debate in rap music about,

because Andre 3000 has said he's not going to rap because, you know, he's 50 or whatever.

I thought you were going to say it's about teeth.

Yeah,

there's an ongoing debate in rap music about

what kind of grills that they should wear.

But like, yeah, he's just like, no one wants to hear some of my age rap.

But then also, all the biggest rap albums of this year have been from people his age or around that.

And people are like, I'm not really an aficionado of the rap.

but I liked a lot of Outcast stuff just because it sort of skirted boundaries, you know.

Yeah.

I wasn't too keen on his

what would you call it?

Like, yeah, his weird flute,

psychedelic album.

Yeah, the kind of I worked my way through it.

Yeah, I have not listened to it since.

Yeah.

You know, I think a lot of people, that was the case.

Some people were pleasantly surprised by it.

But I think what he's got to realize is he is such a good rapper that people will sit for a flute album

out of respect because it's something from him so it's like at least we got this people through that really

I would like to hear I'm I'd actually be much more interested in sort of an older person rapping yeah you know simply because they might be talking about things that meant something to me yeah what sort of things would you like to hear someone rapping about

the the decision-making decision-making around where their kids are going to go to college.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we always start with still a sparkling water, Neil.

Do you have a preference?

Whatever you guys want, really.

I mean, you see, this is...

We don't do that here, Neil.

You'll take what you can get.

That's excellent.

Wrong album, but excellent.

Bonus album.

The bonus album is what's got it promoted.

We've done all the research on the bonus album here, Neil.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Well, I guess still,

you know, I'm not a sparkling personality.

And I run deep inside there.

So still is what I've got in front of me, and that's what I want.

I just don't have strong feelings about food.

This is great.

Why am I here?

Yeah, we've had people come on who I suspect don't eat at all.

Yes.

Yeah.

We've had actors come on and try and, you know, you can tell they've researched what do people eat before coming on here.

Well, I'll tell you, we had an actor called Phil Dunster on, who's in Ted Lasso.

And he got given his dream meal recently by his friends on his stagdoo.

And there's a photo of him eating the meal that he talked about on off-menu.

And he looks absolutely miserable.

And I was like, I don't think Phil.

really said what he would like to eat.

Yeah, okay.

I think Phil said a menu which is maybe nostalgic for him and

makes it more relatable to the listener.

But actually, he doesn't want to eat all these carbs.

Well, you know, like with the songs, I'm going to be brutally honest.

Yes, great.

Good.

So it's still water.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you know what?

Anything in that water, that is still, that is, I mean, is it good tap water where you grew up?

Oh, yeah.

In Northern Ireland, we had nice tap water.

Yeah.

Not like your London stuff.

Yeah.

Ah, it's got chunks in it.

Bits, it's bits.

Like orange juice and bits in it.

Yeah, yeah.

Some places do.

Huh?

You do get that sometimes.

You actually get bits.

But I wonder whether that's just from like dirty taps or whatever.

Little white bits floating around.

One of my neighbours drank a boba tea for the first time the other day in the courtyard of where we live.

Well, just went out in the courtyard to drink it.

No, it was there anyway.

It was a sunny day.

We were all out there.

And so a kid came up to him and said, try this, dad.

Yeah.

He was like, what is this?

Bobe tea.

yeah he had a big old blug of it he hated it and spat all the balls into a planter

all those little tapioca balls

i don't understand what that stuff is about my daughter gave me one of those and uh it would have been the same reaction had i not been in the shop at the time yeah you couldn't spit them but back down the straw it is weird it's weird what um suddenly kids get into And I never would have thought tea with like tadpoles in it

was going to be what they were into.

See, this is the sort of thing I'd like to hear on the next Andre 3000 album.

Yeah, he

doesn't understand boba.

All of our daughters keep giving us boba.

That's a good topic, and everyone would be like, Oh, wow, I didn't know that was that wasn't just me, that's everyone.

And that's what art is for.

Yeah, yes, pop it up's on bed, pop an arms off bed, Neil Hannon, pop the lobs off bed.

It's a bit like that scene in Man Bites Dog, where he scares the old woman to death.

I've got to say, it's the first shout-out we've had to Man Bites Dog in a film.

Shout out out to Man Bites Dog.

A lovely film.

Oh, I never watched it.

I couldn't possibly get through that.

I'd be dead.

I saw all the trailers and thought, oh, that's not very nice, is it?

No.

I don't think I've seen it either.

I mean, I watched some horrible films, but I don't think I've seen it.

Yeah, I've not seen it.

I know what it's about.

Well, we've all agreed on that.

But you've seen it?

No, he's not seen it.

We spoke.

We got him.

My wife with Scary Films, she can't watch Scary Films, so what she does is she finds a stream of it online, puts it in the corner to a tiny screen, and then reads a Wikipedia plot.

Right.

Yeah.

But

yes, my wife loves scary films, except she hates them.

Right.

And she has terrible nightmares for days after.

You know, it's like, oh, that was really good.

Scared me shitless.

And it's like, why do you put yourself through it?

I don't understand.

If you're having nightmares, you shouldn't be watching the film.

Two weeks couldn't sleep after Scream 2.

Oh, God.

That is true.

Yeah, obviously, I was much younger, but I'll be able to watch it now.

You'd be able to watch it now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be able to watch it now.

All right.

It's a challenge.

That was my challenge.

Challenge accepted.

I'm going to go away and watch Scream 2.

I'm not challenging you to do that.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Neil, I won't let you down.

Popadoms of bread, Neil?

Bread.

Papa Doms, I only worked out what they were when I was about 20.

Northern Ireland was not a cosmopolitan place, you know, growing up, especially I was out in the styx.

So it was only when I started in the music industry that I went to an Indian restaurant, you know,

it was extraordinary.

Bread.

There was a bakery called the Milanda Bakery just round the corner from us as I was growing up in.

dairy slash London dairy so good they named it twice um

and i feel like that smell was just there that my whole, like this, all of the 70s, and it went along quite well with the 70s.

I don't know what it was about the 70s, the smell of baking white bread, you know, that stodgy stuff.

And I have, you know, I'm sentimental about, I think my mum, when we said, we're hungry, she'd just throw slices of white bread at us, you know, to get us to go away.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we'd kind of play with them, kind of take the crust off and then we'd sort of squidge up the white middle bit and like sort of braid them

and stuff.

Oh, it was tough growing up when I was.

I was going to say

stereotypes of growing up in the 70s, Northern Ireland.

All we had to play with was bread.

Yeah, pretty much.

You know.

My dad was a rector and just like, it was quite a small amount of money.

We always lived in lovely houses because it was like the house was, oh, I just poured coffee on myself.

I'm getting excited

thinking about the old days.

Yeah, lovely houses, beautiful Victorian sort of red brick terraced house that I grew up in.

But yeah, the furniture was moth-eaten.

So do you want for your bread course slices of white bread thrown at you by your mother?

that you can braid and play with?

That would be nice.

Yeah.

If my brothers were here as well.

Yes, your brothers could do that.

And, you know but current ages yeah that'd be funny fighting over bread in your 50s where are you in the i'm the youngest you're the youngest it's like my parents ran out of steam because des is the eldest and the tallest and then brendan and then i'm a short arse

so you des and brendan playing with white bread together oh that's how you hear yourself

yeah was it the sort of white bread where if you do squeeze it down it sort of almost becomes like a putty It becomes a putty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could, you know, fill the cracks in the windows with them.

Fix the furniture.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can fix that goddamn furniture.

What's the,

obviously, if it's a vicar, it's called a vicarage.

If you're a rector, what's it called?

What's the health?

A rectorage.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Sorry.

A rectory.

Rectory.

Oh, a rectory.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Not a rectum, which is obviously my first thought.

That was what I was pushing it to.

Yeah, pushing it towards rectum.

Rectum.

No, trying to to see if I could get you to say you lived in a rectum.

He's a very good interviewer, James.

He knows where he's going with these things.

Absolutely.

It was a trap.

We've only got you here, Neil, because we wanted you to say you lived in a rectum.

We got him.

Shut it down.

Yeah.

Then all the fake walls of the studio just go down.

There's a whole studio audience.

We've got him.

Michael McIntyre's out there.

Michael McIntyre's there.

Whoa, we got you.

Well, anyway, I was ejected from the rectum eventually.

Are you having butter with the bread, by the way?

Butter plan with your butter.

Well, no, I will have

the flora plant-based salted butter.

Thank you.

Welcome.

You got it.

We always have to ask our guests who are from the island of Ireland.

Oh, yes, of course.

About butter.

Of course.

Because you've got to check.

Yeah, I heard David O'Doherty going on and on and on about butter.

He does do that.

Yes.

Kevin Gold usually gets a shout out.

Yeah, well, I've managed to come off the old dairy butter in the last couple of years, finally, when they made a good substitute, finally, because I do try.

I'm not very good.

I still drink milk in my tea because tea tastes rancid without real milk.

But I gather that Dairy Gold and Kerry Gold are still going strong.

Yeah.

Yeah, big tea.

Oh, they're going strong already.

Yeah, yeah.

And Dairy Gold do have like a plant-based substitute, which is good.

Oh, I I won't go into it.

My wife is a very strict vegan.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Very strict.

How does that manifest itself?

I can see I'm going to get into trouble.

Yeah, she's very strict.

She is also a massive fan of this podcast.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for listening.

And she was kind of like quizzing me and, you know, trying to whip me into shape for this.

But I said, leave me alone.

I'll do it myself.

It'll be fine.

where where did we go to oh bless you

yeah but i did that thing where i pinched my nose i love put one hand in the air i put one hand in the air aren't your eyes gonna pop out i love it i love the feeling my my ears that feel crazy right now i do worry about that though if you don't let the sneeze out then your eyes might pop out i think you've got to keep your eyes very firmly shut yeah in that situation the way james did it then he held his nose and put one hand in the air like he was doing the dance from pop fiction that's what i was doing yeah i have a lot of sneezing experience uh being a hay fever sufferer

from my early teens.

So I've been sneezing with great gusto all my life.

Even in the off-season, because for some reason it's made my nose just hypersensitive, you know.

But I like to let them out.

I mean, obviously,

catching substances.

Sure.

But

I do like the feeling of just that.

Well, plosive feeling.

Yes.

You know, just going.

Do you have a hanky or are you a disposable tissues man?

Disposable tissues, because for God's sake, that yeah.

I mean, my dad was very much a hanky man.

Yeah.

And it just didn't seem right, especially when he'd get us to sneeze in his hanky.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you can't be using your dad's hanky.

Jesus Christ.

I've got a hanky dad and had a hanky granddad.

And

I just can't be doing with it, you know.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

It's pretty vile.

Absolutely.

Although I do, I like the

reusing the sustainable ethic.

Sure.

But that's why they're doing it.

That's absolutely the furthest thing from my grandad's mind when he was using that hanky was it was sustainable.

He just wants to choose the grossest option possible.

Man, my God.

I don't even want to talk about food now.

We've talked about hankies.

I think they can be quite refined, the hanky.

What the hell are you talking about?

You can

call it a fun, spotty one, and you know.

Yeah, if you never use it.

Well, funny you should say that, but I think we're going to make for the first time uh sort of divine comedy monogrammed handkerchiefs for our merchandise desk in the gig so uh buy some please after us having you know made them all wow to promote the bonus cd no

no no because you know rainy sunday afternoon you might get a cold of course perfect I think they'll sell quite well.

We would do brawlies as well, but they're a bit pricey.

Oh, yeah.

Also, they'll all be opening them indoors at the gig.

Oh, that would be quite lovely.

I don't care for that sort of superstition.

No,

I'm not a superstitious person.

So you'd be happy for them to all open.

Yeah, yeah.

And if there's a set of stairs, you know, like a what do you call those things?

Ladder.

Ladder.

Oh, wow.

Well done, Ed.

He's a professional.

I'm a professional.

I know the words.

He knew set of stairs was ladder.

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your dream starter what i really yearn for is a good orange you just it's so hard to get the perfect orange and you're a food genie so you can get me the perfect orange.

The perfect one, I, you know, you're you're in the supermarket, and you're sort of looking, you know, around the corner at all of the oranges to me because they always slide a few ones that are going off in at the bottom,

and and also, you know, there might be one in the entire punnet that is acceptable, yeah, but um, so rare that you get one that sort of ticks all the boxes.

Let's go through these boxes.

Well, peelability, yeah, I do, uh, I don't like it when you have to sort of work too hard at the peeling.

Maybe it's because I'm lazy.

I don't know.

I don't want to have, you know, it where it's coming off in just little bits.

Yeah.

You know, you're just working and working and working.

And the orange isn't worth it.

Yeah.

It's not worth all of that trouble and time.

And also you get your hand sort of that film, weird citrus film in your hands.

Then there's the very, well, tough orange segments, you know.

Yeah.

And that's so disappointing.

Stringy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah, and dry, yeah, needs to be firm but juicy, yeah, and have a lovely, you know, not too sweet,

but it has to be pleasurably sweet.

Yes, yes, yeah, I know you're bored of all this, yeah, it's so bad a glass of sherry with it.

Is that all right?

Stick a stick a drink in right now.

Can you have a sherry with your perfect orange?

Yeah, oh, you're going to give me the perfect orange.

It's going to be brilliant.

Yeah, the perfect, I mean, I've probably, I'd say I've not eaten a regular orange for 15 years.

I'm Satsuma's all day long.

I'm tangerine.

Easy peelers.

Do they even make navel oranges anymore?

Yeah, this is it.

Where do you stand on pith?

I don't mind it as long as it comes away easily, you know.

But those wonderful experiences when you're peeling and you're thinking, I'm going to get all the way around in one go.

Yeah.

Well, that's going to happen with this orange.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

And then, yeah, I don't want it pre-peeled or anything.

I'll pre-peel it.

It's going to be the satisfaction of me peeling it perfectly.

And then maybe when I get the last bit out, the whole of the inner pith comes out with the peel.

What a feeling that would be.

What a feeling.

If you filmed that and put it online, that would go viral.

That would go viral.

But it never happens.

That's why it would go viral.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

People wouldn't believe it.

They'd be sharing it and going, Neil Hanna's got the perfect orange.

I'll have to believe you.

I don't do the socials.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know what people want.

Believe us.

All right.

All right.

But the pith that would happen.

The pith is very much like the neglige of the orange.

Is that fair to say?

No, because I don't find it alluring at all.

If you peeled an orange and showed it to me, it's covered in pith.

I'm going to be like, oh, that's sexy.

It makes me wonder what's underneath.

Neglige doesn't have to be sexy.

It can be practical.

Oh, I don't think so.

I mean, do people still wear negliges?

I just wanted to use the word, I'll be honest with you.

I think this...

It's a negligee meant.

It was just underwear, isn't it?

Yeah.

I think neglige is meant to be a bit sexy.

Yeah, that's true, maybe, just because it's a French word.

Another difficult word to rhyme, just to get the cogs wearing again, Neil.

He's got his eyes closed.

Eyes instantly closed.

Half smile on his face.

Trying to think what rhymes with him.

He's in his element.

What rhymes with negligee and emirates?

Ugly way is all I've got.

Ugly way.

You'll have to keep working on it.

No, I like it.

It's kind of like the flip, the opposite of negligent.

Yeah.

You know?

Yes, I wouldn't say it's not that, although I would hate it if I peeled an orange and the piff was in the shape of some negligence.

like like

the orange was wearing some sexy negligence yeah and a little brand

sexy i wouldn't i wouldn't i wouldn't be into that nor me

good to know um what kind of sherry do you do you want do you have a particular type of sherry that you'd always go for at christmas or

um yeah i mean you know i'm a harvey's or croft or uh winter's tail

how is it called a winter's tail a bottle of you know fortified wine how did it get that name?

But it's obviously got, it's obviously hooked you in.

It's called a winter's tail, and you like to drink it.

Yeah.

And I usually get it at Christmas because it sort of seems appropriate.

I like a nice, reasonably sweet, nutty sherry.

Yeah.

I'm not into your kind of pheno, very dry kind of

stuff.

I like a sweet sherry.

Yeah, yeah.

Me too.

I don't really have sherry that much, but

whenever I do have a little sip, I do think, why don't I have this?

It's basically how I get to drink at half past five.

It's like, oh, I'll just have a little sherry and an orange.

And you wonder why the kids aren't.

Drink this boby.

Have something else.

Because they have a cherry and oranges all the time.

5.30.

It's very...

almost sort of a medieval start to the meal.

You can imagine if you were a lord maybe in a manor somewhere, someone bringing you just a single orange on a

silver plate.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got four dogs, eh?

Four dogs, yeah.

You guys could never live together.

I've got four cats.

It would be ne'er the twain show you.

The house would be divided by down the middle.

That's the start of an animated feature.

Yeah, we have to move.

For some reason, a comedian and a musician have to move them together.

No, but you know, I admire your animal care.

Thank you.

I admire your animal care.

Oh, thank you.

What type of dogs are they?

Hard to say.

Two sort of lurchery greyhound things and two sort of smaller collie things,

sheepy dogs.

I think we'd actually live together very well.

My partner's absolutely obsessed with

lurchery greyhound things.

Yeah.

Lurcher's and greyhounds specifically.

Yeah.

Oh, she's not, she's in when I'm, she's not there.

She's gone by that point.

In the film, in the film, it's not, it's not that good of.

In the film, we've both been dumped by our girlfriend.

Wives in Neil's case.

Ah, the odd couple.

Yes.

So it's just the two of us with our, and we've both somehow got the pets and the divorce.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now we have to live together.

Okay, fine.

You got to find the perfect orange.

But I think that would be...

So, what would happen then in the film is my girlfriend would meet Neil.

Yeah.

See the lurches and the greyhounds fall in love with him.

Yeah.

And then you would be like, I've met someone I'm in love.

They're going to move in the house if that's okay.

I'll be like, sure.

This is going to be.

And I'll be like, I support you, Neil.

And then I'll be like, what the hell?

Yeah.

That is my ex-girlfriend.

I'm in love with her.

And before you ask, yes, you can write the soundtrack.

Well, that's the best bit.

I'll write the jolly songs.

Yeah, about chocolate.

Yeah.

Oh, the wonka.

Songs about chocolate.

Yeah, well, no, the wonka.

Come on.

All of the things.

Neil wrote all the songs for Wonka.

Of course.

Yes, and it was popular.

I've been involved in something popular.

Yeah.

Wonderful.

Our friend Phil Wang was in Wonka.

He did a dance.

Yeah, he was great.

I met him on set.

He'd broken his arm.

Yes, he broke his arm doing a dance and fell off a table.

My nephews are really obsessed with Phil Wang because I won him in Taskmaster, so they've always asked me if Phil Wang's still at my house.

And when they watched Wonka, they were so excited, but they know they're not meant to like talk and shout in the cinema.

So they just looked over at each other and made a W sign with their hand

when Wang was on TV.

Wow!

The international sign for that.

Even though they're watching Wonka,

they got the W.

I don't know how we got onto any of that, but what is your dream menkos?

Christmas dinner.

You are so Christmassy.

Yeah.

You gotta jinx and a sherry.

And Christmas doesn't happen with the same gusto as perhaps I would like.

You know, as you get older, it's like, can I be bothered putting all these decorations up when it's just us and maybe, you know, a parent or two, you know?

but uh yeah the food i i was just trying to think and be honest about the time when i'm eating when i'm at my happiest yeah and that's during christmas dinner because i like everything and i eat lots of it i'd like a really really big plate please oh yeah how big how big are we talking you know those sort of oval serving dishes yes you know that kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah

you could have that i can see why you've just had an orange as a starter now yeah the perfect orange and then the biggest dinner ever.

Yeah.

What we're talking at the Hannan Christmas.

Well, I mean, the best thing about Christmas dinner as a vegetarian is that it's really all about the vegetables in a way, you know, and Kathy does absolutely amazing roasties, amazing gravy, and, you know, amazing veg.

And then I plunk a little cord roast in the middle of it, you know, or something.

But you know how you're like, you can make me anything.

Yes.

And you know how they're trying to develop lab-grown meat?

I want a massive lab-grown steak

in the middle.

Yeah.

Oh, that would be so cool.

Hurry up out here.

Yes.

And it will taste better than any

even meat steak.

Well, it won't be happy because it was never alive.

Yeah.

Yeah, if anything, that's even more unhappy, isn't it?

What?

Never being alive.

It's becoming a steak straight away.

No, no, no, no.

Instantly dead.

Instantly dead.

No, never dead.

Immediately dead.

Never conscious.

Never conscious.

Shut up.

You're ruining it.

Well, it's ever been his dead.

That's a saddle tale.

Straight away.

Always dead.

Yeah.

Anyway, Brussels sprouts.

Yeah.

Part snips.

Yeah.

Carrots.

Yeah.

Yeah, but they're sort of all done lengthways and sort of glazed.

And they roasted, right?

Roasted.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't know what she does.

It's a magician, kind of like

you see her like with the spoiled spuds kind of shaking them in the pan yeah

yeah to make them all kind of

yeah yeah

and then how's that spelled

n y

i c k g

yeah

there's got to be a g in the yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah and then there's when do people start shaking the shaking the tates yeah but and what were we doing before ask me

andre futon shakes his tapes

that's the name of his new single yeah

Shit is like a Pyloroid picture.

Yeah.

He's like, I can't put this in a song.

I don't care.

That is one of my favourite lyrics of this century.

Yeah.

What's the bit before?

Oh, God, I've forgotten.

But it ends up with like, lend me some sugar.

I am your neighbor.

Yeah.

I want to say you're all in your baddest behavior.

That's it.

Lend me some sugar.

I am your neighbor.

Yeah, I know.

And that's perfect.

You actually shouldn't shake Pyloroid pictures, though.

No.

Yeah.

And, and if you're going to lend me some sugar, I want you on your best behavior.

Yeah.

or else you might drop it yeah sugar everywhere in my new apartment yeah

that's why it's such a genius song it makes us forget the actual actual way the world works and what we'd like from life and we just completely buy into yeah his way of thinking yeah i bet it'd be nuts though having him as a neighbor

especially during

music all the time

yeah but he's old you know he's made that clear i'm sure he's not that old He's probably

old to rap now.

But, you know, he probably goes to bed earlier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He said that no one wants to hear him rap about colonoscopies.

But I wonder if he still raps

at home, you know, just in his own time

to get the raps out.

Watches in the morning, just

I'm going to have a coffee.

Oh, God.

Tell you what.

You might, you shouldn't release music anymore.

If that's what it's about,

I'm going have a coffee.

It won't taste like toffee.

Yeah.

Imagine if

all these rap fans all around the world have gone like, Andre, we just want you to do another rap album, please.

And then he releases it and it's, I'm going to have a coffee.

It won't taste like tough.

And it was like, oh, he was right.

He's completely lost it now as an older guy.

And this is the worst thing we've ever heard.

I'm sorry for doubting you and pushing you in a direction you don't want to go in.

You're the artist, you do know what's best.

Yeah, here's your flute back.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, I've burnt my toes.

He can't rap.

He's the host.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

Yeah, that does work.

That works too well.

Yeah, that makes that most too well.

That's too good.

I really enjoy doing raps where it's just the first line and then just stopping.

That was a whole album.

If it was a bunch of first lines and no second, if it was just like, I'm going to have a coffee.

I'm going to have some toast.

Oh, god damn it.

So easy to rhyme with as well.

Yeah, really easy rhymes.

Yeah.

I sort of did rap a tiny bit on a song called Office Politics on the last proper album, but it came out as that sort of Neil Tennant rap.

Yeah.

You know, that sort of

so Hillary smiles.

And yeah, that's the best I can do.

But I think that's appropriate.

You're going like, this works for me.

This will suit one of our songs.

Exactly.

It's the worst when suddenly out of nowhere, someone who's not a rapper tries to rap proper on one of their songs and they've never done it before.

Yes.

There was one time when my daughter was quite young and I'd done something silly with the peas.

I said, oh, my bag.

Yeah.

Because I thought that's what it was.

you thought they said my bag.

I thought they said my bag.

That's the phrase.

My bag.

That doesn't even make sense.

You said something with the peas.

So what have you done wrong with the peas?

Yeah, the bag of peas.

I can't remember.

Didn't be wrong.

I do apologise.

You said my bag.

I said my bag.

I don't know whether I thought it referred to like.

No, I can't imagine what I thought.

Well, I guess people would say that's not my bag.

Yeah, that's not my bag.

So you're kind of confusing the two phrases a little bit.

So you're going, hey, my bad.

So desperately unhip.

Imagine if you did something wrong at like baggage claim or something.

That's not your bag.

So that is not your bag.

You're like making mistakes.

This is the whole moot of the problem.

It's that you keep on picking up the wrong bag.

And you've got all these things on your Christmas.

We've got to do the condiments.

Oh, yeah.

We've got

the condiments of the best bit.

Sorry.

Condiments are the best bit.

And we're going to do the condiments first.

Cranberry sauce, horseradish.

Yeah.

mint sauce,

bread sauce,

English mustard, Dijon mustard.

Yeah.

Have I forgotten anything?

Anything else that's around?

Bally Malou relish, whatever.

What's that relish?

Oh, Bally Malou.

Do you not have it over there?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, it's lovely.

Yeah, it's from this range of products called Bally Malou.

But it's like Branston a bit, but it's sweeter and it's kind of sort of reddy brown.

It's really lovely.

Lots of sort of sultanas crop up in it and stuff like this

uh yeah it's very good in sandwiches nice yeah um

i have a bread sauce story

is it about the time your mum threw you some bread and you played with it too much

no no but it did occur in my my parents house uh like maybe 10 years ago uh i was you know my brothers families were there as well everybody was there it was christmas i thought i am going to make the bread sauce.

I'm going to cut to the chase.

It said, you know, I'd flavored it with like cinnamon things and like apple, whatever.

And then it said, sieve.

I put the sieve there and I put the pot, just threw it all down the sink.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You saved the sauce.

I saved the sauce the wrong way around.

They said, my bag.

My bag.

Yeah.

I hope it catches on.

Yeah, my bag.

I think it will.

Yeah.

And sink bread sauce as well.

Have that catches on.

Yeah.

People only have it out of the sink.

Have you successfully made bread sauce since?

I never tried to cook again.

I learned my lesson.

I'm so bad.

Yeah.

I can do a boiled egg.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

How long are you boiling the egg for?

Put it straight in the cold water before it starts to heat and then from four minutes from when it boils.

Nice.

Perfect every time.

God.

Peels perfectly.

Genius.

Peels perfectly?

Do you get?

Well, I mean, I take the top off with a spoon.

Yeah, I don't leave it to cool and then peel it.

Like

I had egg in a cup this morning.

Oh, like sort of with toast in it or something?

Or just

mashed it.

I just mashed it up.

Yeah.

Put a little bit of butter in there, salt and pepper, a little bit of a tree.

But we'd obviously fire some bread in there.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Run over to the other side of the room, get your mum's a lobby.

Dream side.

Dream side dish.

I hadn't thought about this.

I don't have it on my notes.

I mean, if you just want all your Christmas,

it's a plate of sides.

You've got plenty of sides there.

Sides galore.

I mean, I should probably say

the wilted spinach.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, with

butter and maybe garlic, is it?

That she puts on it.

Yeah.

For sure.

Cool.

There you go.

Happy with that.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's funny.

I already mentioned Neil Tennant.

You were going to ask me about drinks, maybe?

Oh, yeah, at some point.

Would you like me to do that now?

Would you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got very excited about Neil Tennant.

I just remembered.

I want the finest wine known to humanity.

Yeah.

You got so excited about this when you remembered it was coming up.

Well, I just thought I don't know much about wine, but I know the good stuff from the bad stuff when I'm given it.

And the best wine I ever got given was by Neil Tennant.

He took us out to dinner when I was going to do, I've been to a marvelous party for the Terrence Higgins Trust album that he did in the late 90s.

And he didn't need to take us out to dinner, but he did.

And it was great.

He said, what sort of wine do you like?

And I went, I don't know.

He went,

we'll get this one.

And it was the greatest thing i've ever tasted in my life you know oh wow

money counts i think when it comes to wine i really do yeah you know you get some great wines for you know 20 quid or whatever but if you go up to like you know yeah i don't even want to say it's too awful yeah you know because i i looked at the menu as to what he'd pointed to later and i mean it was

oh my god Come on, tell us how much it was.

Tell us how much Tenant was dropping.

I mean,

I think it was about 800 quid or something like that.

Wow.

Tenant.

I just didn't know it was possible to spend that much money on a drink.

Yeah.

But it was the greatest thing you've ever tasted.

It was the greatest thing I've ever tasted.

Yeah.

I mean,

I have no idea about wine at all.

I'm like you.

I don't really know the difference.

When I'm given good stuff, I do immediately recognise that that's delicious.

and other stuff isn't.

And anytime we've been invited to a fancy thing because of this podcast and it is specifically wine-based, then that's what that's what they're trying to showcase.

And they go, here's this super expensive, crazy wine that's like this old.

And you hear all that description and you do drink it and go, yeah, this is.

Yeah.

In a way that almost makes me angry that as someone who doesn't, I don't love wine, so therefore I don't really like, I won't order it most of the time, but this ridiculously expensive, super incredibly made stuff is one of the nicest drinks in the world.

I do get a little bit annoyed that that's just not the wine that everyone has.

And it's not accessible to you every day.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, great.

It's a secret little drink just for the...

Should I be actually charging 800 quid for my new album?

Yeah, because it's obviously better than everybody else's album.

I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you should have go the whole Wu-Tang and just release one copy.

Yeah.

It crossed my mind on occasion.

But you just can't imagine

putting all that effort into something and then one person gets to listen to it.

But we don't know how much effort they put into it.

We've not heard it.

It might be.

I tried it off on a wet Wednesday afternoon.

Yeah, because only what only Martin Shrulli's heard it.

Yeah.

He says, I've got to make a coffee.

Yeah.

I'll get a piece of toast.

Wu-tang.

Yeah.

Could just be that.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of like

combining a breakfast thing with a pre-existing Wu-Tang song.

So, but I can't really.

It's too early in the morning for me to be able to do that.

Yeah.

Bring the breakfast.

You could just bring the breakfast.

Bring the breakfast.

Bring the motherfucking breakfast.

Yeah, bring the motherfucking breakfast.

I listen to that.

I would definitely listen to that.

Yeah, yeah, switch if I was the only one.

Imagine if that was that album is just 36 chambers again,

but about breakfast.

And every single song is about breakfast.

And you'll listen to it, go, if you just re-recorded 36 chambers, but you're singing about breakfast.

Yeah.

And no one's going to believe you.

That's what we do

enjoy this and you've just paid a million quid for that yeah yeah so there you go you can never tell anybody

um so you want the neil tenant 800 pound wine yes that's do you want neil tenant to be there yes you'd like him to join you for the drink well i can't say no can i he's paying for it yeah exactly he's got to be involved do you remember anything about the wine what it was specifically or just that it was 800 pounds of the best thing you've ever tasted red it was red yes and And

I liked it.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I was so completely like, oh my God, I'm a silly little Northern Irish dweeb.

And here I am in a fancy London restaurant, you know, being wined and dined by one of my musical heroes.

It was astonishing.

Yeah, I still feel like that all the time.

The amount of times I literally do think to myself, I'm from Kettering.

I literally go, I thought Kettering.

I've got somehow got in here.

And

they have no idea.

They don't even know where Kettering is.

Yeah.

The amount of times I think I'm from London, I deserve this.

Yeah, yeah.

Different life.

Unless you're in a place like Kettering.

I'm from London.

This wine's very cheap.

It's easy to be a superhero.

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You arrive at your dream dessert in that case.

Yeah, well, I have an actual dessert that I really like, and it doesn't mess with my teeth too much.

That's good.

So it's poached pears

in sort of, you know, wine and brown sugar and cinnamon and, you know, a nice little...

oh god, the ice cream.

That's going to set my teeth off.

But you know, for this meal, this is the dream rest can i have genie built dentures yeah just for this meal you can have genie you can have genie turkey teeth for this whole meal turkeys don't have teeth

we have two turkeys yeah do you yeah and you put christmas dinner as your dream meal yeah but i'm not eating them that's the whole school yeah yeah

you got the always dead steak yeah

um

never alive

have you named the turkeys

Well, they're out in the rescue sort of section of our lives, which is Kathy's domain.

I've seen them and they're they're quite unattractive.

I'm sorry, she loves them and I don't want to say anything about them, but I bet they're they're really nice people.

Yeah, when you when you get to know them, you're gonna be in so much trouble when this comes out, yeah.

Oh, but you know, there's so many other animals, like endless piggies that are absolutely gorgeous and so fun to be around.

How many how many animals would you say are on

about 170 odd?

In the rescue,

yeah, yeah around us around the house around the house uh yeah in in the our fields yeah we've got some fields fields with loads of animals loads of animals yeah they're quite noisy having that many at dinner time yeah my god

yeah to the uninitiated it would sound like the sixth circle of hell you know at about 4 30 in the afternoon but um you get used to it i love this it's great we've got sheep and donkeys and

honies and all sorts.

Yeah.

You know, only kept going by the wonderful donations of the Irish public.

Yeah.

Do you want to shout out the...

My lovely horse rescue?

Yeah, is it called My Lovely Horse Rescue?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

So that's where people can donate and support all these animals.

Absolutely.

That would be amazing if you could out there.

Thank you.

So

these poached pears, it feels very Christmassy again.

It does, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I think that's all I'm really ever looking for

is

native.

Oh, God.

Ladder?

You can cut stuff out of these things, can't you?

Yeah, but I'd guess ladder again.

I just found that out.

That was funny.

So probably keep that in.

Yeah, I just have Christmassy nostalgia, really.

Yeah.

Do you think that's because of growing up in the rectum?

In the rectum?

No.

I think it's because

I liked everything to do with, you know, the darkness, but with the little lights.

And then it was sort of mysterious in a weird way.

It was definitely a change from, you know,

the various riots outside.

Sure, sure.

No, I must stress that I didn't have a Dickensian childhood.

It was very nice.

And my parents were wonderful bringer-uppers.

I mean, that sounded very much like you were being forced to say that, but like,

we believe you.

And I love my wife

um vanilla ice cream with these pears then that was that i can eat with no pain yeah

that'd be amazing you know i've really got to get my teeth fixed yeah this is amazing you're coming out of this

exactly yeah yeah yeah i mean people can donate uh to my to your teeth as well restoration fund yeah merely if he's listening well basically how you do that is by the album or come to the shows or buy the merch if you want to fund neil's teeth yeah by a hankey.

Yeah.

I mean, the main thing is, I'm just terrified of dentists, so I end up going every four years, you know.

And so no wonder.

I see.

Yeah, so that's the.

I mean, what if David Tennant was your dentist?

You'd like him.

Neil Tennant.

Neil Tennant.

Sorry, Neil Tennant.

But what if David Tennant was your dentist?

What if David Tennant?

I've been thinking David Tennant the whole time.

Have you?

So in that story, I was thinking of David Tennant.

But when said musical

hero,

yeah, Neil said musical hero.

Well, I thought we did that cover of Sunshine on Leaf

for comic relief.

And weirdly, when I hear the name Neil Tennant, I think of my history teacher, Neil Tetley.

Who had

a flat cap on the laptop?

He took me to see Static X with me on a school trip.

Wow.

To who?

That's crazy.

Static X, another one of your musical heroes?

No?

Yeah.

A new metal

band where the singer had very tall hair spiked up really, really short.

Was he very short?

Was it like a true shape?

No, he was quite

tall.

He was quite tall, and then even taller hair.

And they'd always ask him, how do you get your hair so tall and spiky?

And he just would say, come, put cum in it.

Oh, delightful.

He actually then revealed how he did it, which was to make sugar solution.

So you literally make caramel and put it in his hair.

That's how they used to do it in the goth days.

Yeah.

He's since passed away.

And get this.

They've replaced him with a man wearing a mask and big fake hair.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, it's all the rage, rage, the whole mask thing.

Yeah.

Should I get one?

Yeah, you could get one.

Hide my teeth.

Yeah, yeah.

But the mask could have like massive teeth on it.

I think I'd get a mask that looked exactly like me.

It would just be like a Neil mask.

Or maybe Neil Tennant's face.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't I?

I feel like poor Neil Tennant, he said some nice things about us when we sort of first started when something for the weekend came out.

Like,

i feel like i could pass the baton on to to this band and it was like that is incredible i feel like i might have let him down

you've taken that baton you've been running with it no i keep making you know not very poppy music so uh you know and um i liked radio head and he really didn't

i've got a question for you now do you like pizza i bloody love pizza okay well i've got an apology to make do you remember in 2006 uh when you played um it was in durham durham university it was you were a surprise band at something called cutters day at durham university do you remember it's a long time ago that wasn't the one that was complete debacle probably it was outside where nothing college bar almost certainly that one durham university and i was in a sketch group and we were on before we were on before you

yeah and um

i got well we all got very drunk and i think we ended up stealing your pizza

I woke up the next morning, and some pizza had been bought for you and left backstage.

And then I woke up the next morning, had slices of pizza in my pockets.

I feel like it's more likely that, you know, Jerry and Warren from my crew would remember this.

So I have a real hatred of the support band.

Yeah.

But because, I mean, basically, you'd got cowboys to get your PA together.

You know, they'd left you completely in the lurch.

Nothing worked.

And, you know, our crew were like off trying to source like

cables and PA and stuff.

And in the end,

it was like going back to 1987 and our first gigs, like with somebody's loaned amp that kind of worked, you know, and playing National Express like it sounded like a banjo, you know.

That's all I can remember.

And because it was such a shit show.

We all got legless.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So pizza would have come in really

It's a difficult day at work the little all you want is just a lovely slice of pizza that's so delightful that you supported us.

Yeah, yeah, it's mad and doing like doing bad comedy sketches as well.

That's what you want, isn't it?

You get the crowd revved up.

Brilliant.

Oh, and they were really revved up by the time

they didn't care what the hell we sounded like.

I read you your menu back now, see how you feel about it.

You would like still water from Northern Ireland, not from London, not London bitty stuff.

Dairy taps.

Dairy taps.

You would like white bread from Melanda Bakery with flora plant-based salted butter thrown at you by your mother.

Starter, you would like the perfect orange and a glass of sherry.

Main course, a really big serving plate full of Christmas dinner.

Side dish, Wilted spinach with butter and garlic.

Drink, Neil Tennant's wine.

Dessert.

Not David Tennant.

Not David Tennant.

No.

He's not allowed in the restaurant.

Oh, Oboe, he's good too.

Yeah, I bet he can still afford that wine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dessert poached pears in wine, sugar, and cinnamon with vanilla ice cream and your special turkey teeth.

Brilliant.

I want it right now.

Yeah,

it's so Christmasy.

I mean, just for the listener, it's boiling today.

It's a boiling hot day.

You've got a long while to wait until you get something like that.

I'm going to see if my wife will make it for me when I go home.

Yeah, well, you better.

Because then I'm going on a tour before this.

It's just in the autumn.

Of course.

Yeah.

Difficult to find the perfect orange, though.

Well, we wish you luck on the quest for the perfect orange.

If anyone can, Kathy can.

What a lovely way to end.

Thanks so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Neil.

It was my pleasure, guys.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you, Neil.

There we are, James.

The wonderful Neil Hannon.

A lovely, Christmassy meal.

Really Christmassy.

So festive.

Love the perfect orange.

It's where we, it's rare we talk about the platonic ideals of simple things.

Yeah, and I would say that he's got he's got it right about the orange there.

Yeah.

All those qualities I would also want.

Although I'm more, I've got more of a hard line about the piff.

Just get rid of it.

Yeah, you want it to be in the shape of a bra and nickel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do.

That's what you said, yeah.

That's what I said.

Rainy Sunday afternoon is out on September the 19th.

So you say rainy Sunday afternoon, which is, of course, the new Divine Comedy album.

It sounds like you said Rainy Sunday Afternoon.

Which would be good afternoon.

I've had a few of those i tell you

i've had a few ready sunday afternoons i tell you i'll tell you mate

i love i tell you

i'll tell you that for nothing other being on the train and hearing someone say that it's always after something just completely boring yeah

i'll tell you yeah i had a bad banana the other day i tell you

I like I tell you that for nothing as well.

Tell you that for nothing.

Because we can't say that ever, really.

On stage.

We can't say say it's for nothing yeah they've paid they've paid we'd have to do a free entry gig yeah or maybe we could do it like we'll just be clear like that's the end of the paid content yeah of the gig and now i'll tell you this for nothing i'll tell you this for nothing it's all shit

we keep reminding them this is for nothing yeah this is for nothing by the way it's for nothing you can leave whatever you want it's really bad

the divine comedy are going on tour october 2025 all over the place glasgow wolverhampton bath

there There you go.

The divinecomedy.com for tickets.

Thanks so much to Neil.

Thanks so much to you for listening.

We'll see you next time.

Oh, and thank you, Neil, for not saying crisps and tea.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Or tea and crisps, actually.

Tea was mentioned, but only about how he had to have milk in it.

Yes, but it didn't make the menu.

No, nice wine did.

Nice wine.

And a little sherry with the perfect orange.

Yes.

But no tea, no crisps.

So Neil stays in.

But that shouldn't stop you all from debating online whether we should have kicked Neil out if he said tea and chris yes so make sure you tweet the great bonito about that tweet the great bonito yes

uh i'm touring europe in november fantastic so uh go to edgamble.co.uk for details on that i'm going to some places i've never been before oh wow and let me tell you tickets are going great guns in some places uh-huh and some places we need to get the word out interesting

you want to name drop one of those places so people know to go to those ones especially it's mad i've not sold more in Lisbon.

Come on, Lisbonites.

You've got to go.

Yes, I'm touring Europe, edgamble.co.uk.

I'm touring America next year.

Don't know what dates we've announced and what we haven't yet.

Definitely LA and New York are out there.

And there's maybe a couple of tickets available for LA.

But yeah, I should be doing some more as well.

So keep an eye open for that.

And don't forget to get...

online and download the bonus disc the divine comedy bonus disc yes absolutely that's the main thing that we want to put out there into the world.

Yes.

Get the bonus album.

We'll see you next time.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gledhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

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London, we're coming.