Mawaan Rizwan

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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there's the part of me that everyone sees i'm howie mandel the comedian apparently i know what funny is funny bought me a house but i also know what isn't funny ocd i've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal but OCD is severe often debilitating it's a mental health condition that involves unrelented unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the spaghetti hoops of conversation, warming them in the pan of the internet, and pouring over the hot buttered toast of friendship.

It's spaghetti hoops on toast.

That's Ed Gamble.

He's spaghetti hoops.

Oh, I just realized what I've set up here.

Oh, we've got a dog called Toast.

Yeah, but then who are you?

I'm James Acaster.

I'm Skeva.

We own a dream restaurant.

And every single week we're inviting a guest and we ask them their favourite ever.

Start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Mwan Rizwan.

Amazing comedian, writer, performer.

I'd say one of my favorite Taskmaster moments or like ways of solving a task ever on Taskmaster is making the cow disappear.

Oh, yes, very good.

I think it's so good.

Yeah.

Simple, effective, clever, and don't miss so much joy.

But then also,

he did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on Taskmaster.

Maybe this should be the secret ingredient, actually.

Oh, yeah.

He tried to put helium in an egg.

Yeah, let's have that.

The secret ingredient, which we have every week, which if the guest picks it, they'll be kicked out of the dream restaurant, is an egg filled with helium.

Egg filled with helium.

Absolutely.

That's great.

Helium egg.

Wow, that's ambitious.

Yeah.

Respect.

Full respect.

BAFTA winner, of course.

BAFTA winner.

Juice Series 2.

Like me.

Yes, Ed won a BAFTA because...

Taskmaster Series 9 won a BAFTA and I won Taskmaster Series 9.

So Ed did win the whole BAFTA?

Is that the whole thing's yours?

Are you a part of that?

I think so.

If you win the series, you win the awards that are given to that series.

And of course, they're both heads.

Yes.

So like the...

Well, that's a really good point.

Yeah, right?

So the Taskmaster is Greg's head that loves the trophy and then the bafta is a is a head as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's funny.

I'd never thought of it like that before.

You could put the bafta mask on top of the taskmaster

one and make Greg wear the bafta mask.

He sent me the baftia actually and it was a while ago.

I guess COVID got in the way.

Yeah, you should bring it up.

Yeah, yeah, I will.

So you get that.

Moan, of course, won for Juice Series 1.

Yeah.

Well, the whole team won for that, I think.

The whole team on Juice.

I thought Moan won for his performance.

Yeah, but that's, you know, you can't credit the performance performance with just yourself, can you?

So, Mawan shared his, and I've got one a whole one.

Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah, well, don't congratulations again.

Thank you.

Um, a juice series two is coming soon.

Very excited.

Make sure you watch it.

We are going to first, though, hear what Mawan would like for dinner.

This is the off-menu menu of Mawan Rizwan.

Welcome, Mawan, to the dream restaurant.

Yes, yes.

Welcome, Mawan, Vizwan, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I'm ready.

My body is ready.

That's, I mean, no one's ever opened with my body is ready, but that's exactly how people should be opening the podcast.

Is it appropriate for me to say your body looks ready?

Thank you, man.

Thank you.

I'm not eating in a week.

Is that what you say when you go into every restaurant?

Do you tell the waiter, my body is ready?

Do you know what?

From now on, yes, yeah.

And by that, I mean, I'm, do you know when, like, when you're like spending money, you're going for a good meal?

Yeah.

I honestly don't I don't eat all day man.

Really?

Yeah.

And then it's extra tasty.

Yeah yeah yeah.

The whole day you're just putting do you you know have to actively resist eating food all day?

I try I snack because you know no one's trying to die out here.

Yeah.

But you know, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I just like slightly like drip drab the nutrients.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not having like a big potato lunch.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

A big potato.

What's a big potato lunch?

You know, a big potato lunch.

Guys, you know, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you know, when you just have loads of potatoes and it fills you up.

Yeah, I completely agree with you.

I can't be too hungry when I go into a restaurant, though.

Yeah.

Because then I'm almost not enjoying the food.

I'm just inhaling it.

Yeah, exactly.

And then I just want everything.

Oh, you don't want to be too hungry.

I don't want to be like so hungry that I'm eating that first course.

and barely even tasting it because I'm just because my body's too ready.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want your body to be too ready.

Yeah, you don't want to be too ready.

No, no, no, I want to be vaguely ready.

So you don't want a a big potato lunch, but you will snack a little bit.

No, we'll have little potato lunch.

Yeah.

By that I mean potatoes.

Thin potatoes.

By that I mean.

Crisps.

Yes.

Slice it really thin, fry it.

Yeah.

I believe they call it crisps.

Crisps.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a way of still, do you know what I mean?

And crisps are like, are so like with empty calories, innit?

Are they?

Yeah,

it's nothing food.

Yeah, they don't fill you up.

So they make you hungry, okay?

Yeah.

I didn't know they're empty calories, crisps.

I think so.

Like, because if you think about it, like, I don't think I've ever filled myself up on crisps.

When I say empty calories, it's not like they don't have any calories.

Oh.

As in...

I'm sorry, James, you don't understand the phrase.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I don't understand.

If you don't have a big potato lunch, you ain't going to know.

As in, they basically give you no nutrients, but they give you calories.

Oh, okay.

That's the opposite of broccoli.

I get what you mean.

So like normal Coke.

So I haven't really understood empty calories over the years because I just see that as a green light to just fill up.

Yeah.

Just absolutely those things

I won't put on weight, but actually.

Empty calories, not calorie empty.

I get weight.

Yeah, I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, no.

You need to rethink your whole nutrition plan.

I will take nutrition tips off you.

You're a healthy guy.

Thank you, man.

I try.

I saw my one once cycling down the canal, didn't I?

Oh, yeah.

Remember that?

Yeah, I nearly fell in.

I wasn't alive, man.

I'm glad you knew that he saw you cycling down the canal because this would be creepy as hell if you didn't see him.

Yeah.

I kind of like at the last minute was like,

like double point right at you.

Yeah, it was creepy anyway.

You know what I mean?

Like jumping out of a bush in a canal.

Well, you didn't jump back.

What were you doing?

Were you running?

I was just walking towards the opposite direction.

Saw you at the last minute.

Did a double point really over the top.

Yeah.

This guy.

Without really knowing each other very well.

Yeah, man.

It was stressful.

I'm not going to lie, James.

It was stressful.

I love you, man.

I love your face.

But it was just, I was going so fast before I could say, hello.

I'm already past.

Do you know what I mean?

And those, I hate those meets because if we're both walking, at least we can be like, yeah.

Yeah.

I am slightly disappointed to hear that you're the sort of person who cycles by the canal really fast yeah man i take the risks i hate i hate those people i cycle every day i nearly die if there's a pram i don't give a

i take priority yeah you jumping over the pram like grand theft auto i'll do whatever i need to do to get over the pram do you know what i mean because i sort of also like come on man it's london yeah why are you just can you have the baby stay at home

we are late do you know what i mean yeah

are you ringing your your bell at least so the baby knows?

Whoa, yes, but then some of these line bikes, the bells don't work.

Oh, you're not that much.

Do you know what I mean?

So lime bikes are even quicker, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also when you start on them, they give you that little, you know, it's like video game when you go through a thing, then it gives you an extra little acceleration.

Straight into a pram.

Start.

Yeah, straight into a prime.

What if they started, they should start doing lime prams.

That's good.

That's it.

For people, so that it's a level of the playing field.

Not a pram with loads of limes in it.

Oh, I cannot emphasise enough, not a pram with loads of limes in it.

James, because you didn't know what empty calories was, you do know a lime bike isn't a bike made of limes, right?

Joe, what you guys carry on without me?

I didn't know that it was.

I think they should have those prams, so parents could just be, okay,

I haven't got time to get the pram out.

I'll get a lime pram when I'm out.

But then the baby gave a little accelerator.

Electric prams, but they'd have to be attached to the pram because if it accelerates without them, their baby's off.

Yeah.

They're not.

Well, maybe that's even better.

They're putting a little platform on the back for the

in the future.

I bet you can just program into the electric pram where you're going.

It just goes off of your baby, meets you, and you meet it there.

I actually would not like that level playing field because I like the power.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm like powerless to like lorries and trucks.

Where can I, you know, the oppressor got to oppress.

Yeah.

And prams are the only ones I can take it out of.

Yeah.

I'm checking in.

Below you on the future.

Yeah.

The only thing below cyclists.

Let's talk about season two.

Do we say season 2 in this country or series 2?

It's series, I think.

It is series 2.

But then I get confused because we talk about the whole thing as a series.

Like, we can slug off the Americans all we want for the use of language.

But actually, when we're calling the entire thing a series and then we're breaking it up into individual series, we are the stupid ones.

No, it's a show and a series.

Stop trying to get work in America, man.

Please suck in.

Any Americans listening?

I could do accents.

But one, let's talk about Juice Season 2.

What can the listeners be excited about?

Because the first one, you want to BAFTA.

That's no small thing.

No, I know.

That's horrible, innit?

Is this worst-case scenario?

You want a BAFTA for series?

It's just ruined my life.

You got it.

Well, just that, like, let me just make a show and then don't compare it to anything and then don't tell me it's good.

And don't watch it.

And don't watch it.

Like, leave me alone.

Let me make my show in a cave and then just like, you you know, clock on, clock off, and go home and make a meal and be happy.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, no, but like, basically, I'm trying not to think about that a lot.

I'm just trying to write the show I want to write,

you know.

It's funny because when you make the first one, no one, no one cares,

and then you make, and then when they care, and then and then it's harder.

But what I'm really enjoying about it, there's a bit of a horror theme emerging.

It's more surreal, it's taken a whole different stylistic avenue.

Nice, which you know, people were like, Wow, this show is so weird.

And I was like, this is me watering it down, baby.

They give me a series too.

So we're having a lot of fun with it, man.

Yeah, I'm really, I'm really excited.

Great.

And will any, will any juice be appearing on your menu today?

Are you a juice guy?

I hate juice.

I hate that's going to be.

Let me just say that for the record.

Yeah.

That's going to be the clickbait out there now.

I also hate mango chutney.

I've got a song about mango chutney.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate mango.

You got a song about it's mangoes in general, right?

Yeah, I love mangoes.

Yeah, yeah but i don't vote with mango chutney that's not mango it's just like sugar innit i completely agree with you i don't like mango chutney either yeah yeah i can't taste any mango in that no yeah most mango flavoured things don't taste a mango yeah mango shower gel it's apple smell it smell any mango show and close your eyes yeah it's apple apple with a bit of pineapple yeah it's not mango man yeah yeah they're conning us mango vape There's a mango vape.

Yeah.

It's disgusting.

Triple mango.

Triple.

Yeah, yeah.

Triple mango.

So is it, say, the types?

Yeah, no, because they release a triple mango and you're like, I don't even remember you're releasing a double mango.

So how's this triple mango?

Yeah.

We don't have the first two sprickles.

But like, they take something that doesn't taste like mango and then times it by three.

That makes it worse.

That's not triple mango.

That's triple pineapple and apple.

It's an atrocity, man.

So for you, when you enjoy mango, it's just pure mango.

Yeah, yeah, I'm talking Pakistani mango.

You're Jamaican mango.

I'm not, you know, I don't, I don't.

I've never heard anyone shout out the Jamaican mango before.

Jamaican mango and Jamaican and Pakistani mangoes are the best.

I know Pakistani mangoes, like people are absolutely obsessed with.

Say it.

If it was in that other room, you could smell it from here.

Yeah.

And which types of mango is that?

I don't know the name.

I just call it.

What's the Alfonso one?

That's the one I hear the most mana love.

Yeah.

That might be Indian mango.

It's not new.

Maybe.

A new mango?

You crazy.

When mango season, it's Indian mango.

Indian.

When

mango season comes around near where I live, is like every shop turns into a mango shop.

Yeah.

And they're all in individual boxes.

The mangoes just look so nice.

They're just all in the box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So random.

The label that goes into putting a tiny bit of tinsel on every mango.

I don't know the mangoes.

The mangoes have tinsel on them.

Oh, yeah.

It's an Asian thing.

Like, if you get it from, like, an Asian store, you get a box.

Yeah.

And they all have like the label with the like brand on it, you know, the little sticky fruit label but then like with the label there's a bit of like gold tinsel i love that mangoes are huge man i know mangoes are huge i just didn't know they get tinsel on them like i i thought only christmas trees have tinsel on them but mangoes as well yeah all year round mate

i ain't lived man

i don't think i have i don't think i have i didn't know i i i co-host a food podcast i didn't know that mangoes have tinsel on them What else would you put tinsel on if you wanted to like up the sales figures?

Triple mango vape obviously.

mango vape, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

If you really want to convince me, it's mango, yeah, put some tinsel on it.

I think the tinsel's on it, man.

The Sourgel as well should have it on.

Yeah, but just stick it on.

Get festive, man.

I think tinsel's really dropped off in the last decade.

I think way less people have tinsel on their Christmas trees now.

Yeah, what's that about?

I think people think it's tacky now.

Yeah, but do you think it will come full circle?

I think like flares.

I think it'll be back like flares, yeah.

Yeah, I'm wearing flares.

Yeah, they're great.

They're very well dressed.

Maybe I'll start, I'll put tinsel on my Christmas.

I don't even do Christmas trees, but I'll do it for

tinsel.

Or just get a massive mango and put it in your front room.

Yeah.

Yeah, tinsel it up.

Mangoes as baubles.

Yeah.

Now, that would talk.

That would be very on-brand for me.

Yeah.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Moan.

Do you have a preference?

Still, man.

Come on now.

Yeah.

Come on.

Sparkling water, man, is chaos.

Chaos.

How is it chaos?

It's two different.

A gas and a water should not fuse they're two different elements is that the word elements yeah sure yeah look we don't know it was discovered by accident innit was it

yeah

yeah it was like some guy like put a bowl of water above a vat of beer in a brewery right and he i don't know the full details i guess i'm not a scientist but you know i knew you didn't know the full details as soon as you started telling us this

because it started with the phrase some guy some

in Leeds.

I know we were invented in that, okay.

How about that?

Yeah, but I don't like, don't ask me, like, I don't know, like, periodic table kind of detail, but I know there was a bowl, there was water, yeah, and it was above some distillery thing.

Yeah, so he, he, what was it?

It was like nitrogen, no, no, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, it's carbon dioxide, yeah, I think it's carbon dioxide, yeah.

I'm really clever

because I'm a dude, very clever, yeah, and and but why?

Also, you're putting gas in your body.

That's got to make you gassier.

Do you not like being gassy?

No.

I love being gassy sometimes.

You love it?

Yeah, if I have a fizzy drink, I love that.

I love burps.

I think if you're like burping a bar and it's like, great, get it out.

It's a good feeling, right?

That's great.

But if you're having something that's causing you gas, that I don't want to fuck with.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, it's like I don't want to have like lentils that haven't been soaked properly.

Right.

Because it would just fuck me up for the day.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Anything out the back, I'm not into.

A big burp, I love.

Yeah, a big burp's great.

So only lentils that aren't soaked properly give you the gas.

Yeah, did you not know this?

No, I didn't know.

Look, you're teaching me more than any guest has ever taught me.

Oh my gosh.

And we're not even at the starter yet.

You gotta soak your lentils, girls.

Yeah.

And you've got to do it like all night.

That's a t-shirt, by the way.

Get that printed up.

Soak your lentils, girls.

But you've got to do it all night and not too long because then they go poisonous.

I know.

I think that's kidney beans, isn't it?

I used to live in a commune with like seven hippies and like it was all about never canned food.

It was always like soak shit.

Like yeah, we used to get big this big like bulk holder from Suma, right?

He used to order like

the size of my height kind of like bag of lentils and rice and stuff.

So it's all this like soaking malaki.

What was the gas situation in the commune?

Well if someone didn't soak them properly you'd get gassy.

All of the hippies.

Yeah you could tell like it was like everyone liked sinking periods.

It was like we knew when someone hadn't soaked the lentils properly because it was a gassy week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No one like a match no this commune's going up yeah it's good cracker week like waco by the end of it where was this place this commune in shadwell how long were you in it for uh a couple of years and it was um it was like an old it was next to a chicken shop and it was like a old shop that had been converted so our living room had a shop front so people would walk past thinking it was some kind of art installation

We were just in there living our lives.

It was the first place I ever sort of lived with other people.

Was it difficult to tear yourself away from the commune?

When I say commune, yeah, I'm not talking wild, wild country.

Commune house chef.

Yeah.

I mean, wild, wild country.

We killed people.

It was a commune.

I say commune because we did everything communally.

And also,

we used the door as a kitchen countertop.

It was that kind of...

Do you know what I mean?

Like we did, everything was built with like pallets and stuff.

It was a shit house.

Thank you.

Is that what you mean?

It was a shit house.

Yes.

We didn't kill anyone or start a religion.

Yeah.

But we could have, because the rent was so cheap.

Yeah.

I think you're charismatic enough you could convince some people to do that.

Do you mean?

How many people do you reckon you could convince to, I guess, kill people?

Well, what are you killing them for?

Do you know what I mean?

Well, I guess.

What were they doing in a wild, wild country?

It was just.

It's yoga, wasn't it?

It was yoga.

In the name of yoga.

Helping people.

You could meditate on it afterwards.

Because that's the thing about killing people.

It's stressful, isn't it?

Really?

It must be.

So if you've got to assume it's stressful.

Spiritual practices that get the heart rate down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know.

I think even if you're into it, it's stressful.

Just the laying low afterwards and stuff and not wanting to get caught, surely.

I'd struggle to get to sleep, I reckon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

After a day of killing people.

I have nightmares of like, I'm hiding a body somewhere.

Do you?

And I've not even

done that.

Yeah.

How about that?

And have you looked at what that means?

Because that's got to mean something.

No.

But you're worried about something else in life.

Yeah.

Being found out.

Yeah.

I had an awful nightmare the other night.

Here we go.

This is fresh.

Michael Barrymore was sick on my back.

He drank too much Pepti Max and then he puked on my back in the street.

That's so visceral.

Yeah.

But he wouldn't let go of my shoulder.

So

I knew he was going to be sick, but I was trying to get away from him.

He wouldn't let go of my shoulder and then he puked all down my back because he had too much Peptimax.

I feel like this might have been a dream, but I can really see him doing that.

Yeah.

It's kind of like the story someone would tell on Grave Norton.

When I met Michael Barrymore, he...

Yeah, and everyone would laugh, but it wouldn't age well.

No, no.

There were some of those Norton clips where you go back five years or six years and be like, were we all laughing about that?

That is not funny.

That's horrible.

I feel back.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're thinking of the same clip.

He wasn't well, you know.

He was feeling sick.

It wasn't like

doing a delivery.

You didn't take any delight in that, but he just, he was like holding on to me, I think, for some reassurance.

And you turned your back on him and he just had to.

I was trying to get away from him because I knew he was going to be.

You were walking down the street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you felt a hand on your shoulder.

Yeah.

You turned around.

Barry's Baron.

Empty bottle of Pepsi Max.

So you know that's why he's being sick.

And he's not letting go of your shoulder.

So you're like, well, I can't get away.

So I'm trying to get away from him.

And then, yeah, he's like, sickled down my back.

And then I woke up and told my wife what had happened.

On the subject of

telling your wife that is, that's that's you're playing with fire there because your wife has a phobia of people being sick.

Yeah, I wonder whether that was something to do with it.

Someone told me, yeah.

This came from a therapist.

Not my therapist.

Okay.

Happened to be a therapist who said this.

Did you have therapist got a shout out in your BAFTA speech?

Yeah, he did.

Generally true.

That week.

Pleased with that?

The therapist, not you?

Okay, I don't know if this is a coincidence here.

But the next week he put his feet up, swear to God.

I was like, has he seen it?

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

I thought so.

Absolutely.

Like, I said thank you to him.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You didn't name drop him, did you?

I didn't owe him everything.

Do you mean that?

You did it in a funny way.

I know, but also I didn't thank that many people.

I came off and then like people were like, you didn't thank the production company, you didn't thank

worked on the show, and so then I don't want him taking all the credit for like my like me doing well kind of thing.

Sure, yeah.

I mean, he shouldn't be watching that anyway, surely.

Ethically, exactly, he shouldn't be watching the speech.

Well, but then you know, when you're doing public-facing jobs,

do you wonder, like, you know, the people you, I don't know, your therapist, your gynecologist, your confidential gang, yeah, for me, that's do they know your stuff?

Of course, of course, I've got an old in one,

it's efficient, you know, time you're on the telly, You've got to do all in one chamber job.

But you know, like, do they know?

Do they?

Yeah.

That's the...

And you can't really ask because then they're like, oh, I didn't know that.

I'll look it up.

Yeah.

You don't want anyone looking it up.

No,

I once walked past my therapist in the street.

I was walking down the street arm in arm with my girlfriend.

Walked past the therapist and we just like nodded at each other.

My girlfriend was like, who was that?

And I was like, it was my therapist.

And she laughed a lot.

And then she told her therapist about it.

I was like, I told my therapist, you saw your therapist in the street.

And you both nodded at each other like you were spies.

Like it was secret.

And we both really laughed at you.

I was like, What?

You guys laughing at us?

We're cool.

What's the evil organization in Marvel?

It's like that.

Yeah, Hydra.

Yeah, Hydra.

It's like you're both members of Hydra.

Oh, God.

Hell Hydra.

Pop-doms or bread.

Pop-doms or bed, man, miss one.

Pop-doms or bread.

Pop-a dumbs.

Are you mad?

Pop a dumbs all day, man.

Give me the crackle.

Yeah, the crackle.

People haven't really talked about the crackle on it.

Yeah, dude.

It's all about food, it's all about the sensuality.

Do you know what I mean?

The texture, texture, the

sounds and the

bread, you're not getting sounds, you're not getting a crack.

And also my mum, she, for my birthday, she got me a poppa dump holder so that you know when you put a popadum in a microwave, you know, when sometimes if you don't put it on something, it gets burnt in the middle.

Have you ever done that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then it's like eat around the burn, but it's horrible.

Do you know what I mean?

You're like, you just like question all your life decisions.

Whereas with this, it's like a little, it's like a little, you know, the pizza table in the middle of a pizza.

Yes.

It's like a bigger rest your popadum on it.

A little poppadum.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

That's good.

That's great.

Are poppadums empty calories?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's a good, that's a good snack leading up to a meal, right?

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, yeah, it's a crisp, basically.

You're practicing what you preach.

It comes full circle, yo.

How many do you want?

How many dips do you want?

What do you like?

I know you don't want mango chutney.

Don't want mango chutney.

Right?

But I'll have it on the table

because it's nice to have like an array, you know what I mean?

Or I'll have a bit of chutney if I'm also like offsetting it with yogurt

writer, yeah, uh, like a char.

What's that called?

Uh, pickle, yeah, let's just use the Urdu word,

but yeah, pickle.

I use all the words, which is a professional writer, everybody.

He's got all the words.

No, I said that's said the Urdu word, right?

Oh,

it's like a char.

I thought you were posting the word.

Yeah, I use all the words, yeah.

Someone say pickle,

that's more than a syllable.

I'm damn clever.

Mango pickle is amazing.

Oh, okay.

Tastes like mango.

Yes.

Yeah.

With bits of mango in it in the skin as well.

It's like, it's wrong, but it's right.

Like proper pickled and spicy.

Proper.

Yeah.

I don't like spicy food.

Yeah.

But I'll have, if I can control the amount, put it with some writer.

We're good.

Lovely.

Yeah, man.

If you're in a group, do you be mother with the poppenoms?

Do you smash them?

Break them up for everyone with your hands?

I don't do that.

I don't do karate chop.

No.

No, I do, I break it in my mouth.

So I like take a whole one.

A whole one take a whole bunch of them.

And I want, yeah, and I want to bite it and I want it to go eh.

I want poppadum in my everywhere.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I want to be finding it in my beard for weeks later.

You've got to make a mess.

Yeah, yeah.

But I don't want the mess to be on the table.

Also, if you crack one, they'll all crack, then what's that?

You're having, like, it's all little fragments.

Sure.

So you want to get the whole one, take a bite, and then it falls where it may.

Yeah, exactly.

But you don't want any on the table.

You want it all on you.

I want it all on me.

It's how I eat popcorn.

You do this, and you just throw it at your face.

And a third of it goes in.

The rest of like, I want to be in the cinema.

And like, when you get up at the end, it's like a flood of all the snacks you've had.

Do you know what I mean?

That's you got to get up and fully brush yourself down.

Get it all off.

Yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

I opened a pack of hardboard sweets too fast in a cinema once and it hit the lady in front of me in the back of the head and she turned around and called me a little little shit

she turned around you little shit why are you eating hard-boiled sweets in the cinema i was like i don't know 50 in victorian times yes in catcher in in in in the early 2000s so exactly exactly in victorian times i'd go to the big tesco i'd buy uh a packet of fruit sherbets loads of different uh flavours

at the motion picture and uh me and my friends would go to the cinema i'd always eat these fruit sherbets i'd crunch them up great there was lime and lemon and blackcurrant and strawberry in there and orange and this particular time just too eager open it really fast

in the back of this woman's head turn around you little shit oh chill fair enough though I'm on her side what you're throwing popcorn in your face go everywhere popcorn has a soft landing yeah you know hard boiled that's aggression man yeah that's bad that's bad

get yourself uh you know strawberry lace chill out

and they're individually wrapped individually so you're bad in the cinema yeah bad for the environment sure but but also noisy.

You're a noisy little boy, yeah, very noisy.

People didn't like it.

You went to the cinema with your mum at 15.

No,

he put that in.

Oh, sorry, I just pictured.

He didn't do that.

I pictured your mum with a Victorian umbrella.

No,

fucking Mary Poppins.

He put that in.

I bet you did go to the cinema.

No, I was talking with Matthew.

Hey, nothing wrong with going with your soccer.

Yeah, it's nice.

Look after your mum.

I'm defensive.

What's wrong with you?

Why is he hating your mum?

Why do you hate your mum?

Yeah.

I don't hate my mum.

She must listen to this every week.

Mum, I don't hate you.

Oh, yeah,

but a thing, the therapist told me, right, that every in every dream, everyone in your dream is a version of you.

So, really, what happened was you threw up on yourself and you projected Michael Barrymore.

Michael Barrymore.

What does that say about you?

Yeah, which part of my personality does Michael Barrymore represent?

Barrymore represents you worrying that your career is going to go real bad at some point.

And people are just a great all-round entertainer.

Yes, but a great all-round entertainer

whose future looks shady and bad and something bad's going to happen to you and you will fall out of favor yes even though you're extremely talented yeah says a lot about you this dream man yeah yeah yeah does say a lot about you I think puking on your own back well we've just sorry we've just assumed that Michael Barrymore's me and this no

Marine said that that's based on actual stuff actually yeah

scientific shit science but it's also good because when you have a dream and you're like oh my god I killed a person or I did something really bad you're like it's just a version of me It's fine, I just killed myself in the VA.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And that's fine.

Or you have a sex dream about someone and then the next day you're like, wow, I don't like, you know, at work, like, oh, whatever.

It's like, no, I just sexed myself.

Yeah.

I've heard about that dream.

What?

It's been a bunch of different versions of me and we all just wank each other off.

Oh, right, yeah.

That says a lot about you, more than Pepsi says about you, yeah.

Yeah.

In a long line or in a circle?

Joe, what?

If I'm going to put in a request to my imagination,

I'd like to try both at some point.

Yeah.

Because if you can't do it in your dream, where can you do it?

Well, I guess in a circle would be nicer because then everyone's getting.

Everyone's getting something, yeah.

The guy at the front.

The guy at the front or the guy at the back.

It depends how we're doing it.

Yeah.

Doesn't it?

That circle, you got eye contact as well.

Circle, everyone can look at each other.

Yeah.

And if you're in a circle, but you're facing outside the circle.

Then you can't make eye contact.

You know?

That would be the craziest way to do it.

You're in a circle, but you're all facing outside of the circle.

You just want to check check see if anyone's coming.

Yeah.

Or at least one of you has to do that.

Yeah.

Just one of you.

Everyone else is facing inside, and one of you is a lockout who's just there.

Well, you know, in cartoons, when like the there'll be cartoon characters having a huddle, they're normally chickens all having a huddle discussing something, and occasionally someone's head will pop up and look around.

Well, that's specifically chicken run.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds like the writer's room for human tender bead.

I feel like this is how they came up with it.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, but what if ergonomically actually they all faced each other?

They should get us in the writer zoom for that.

I think they're still doing sequels for that.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, come on.

They should do a series.

They're like you.

They're like, oh man, when we wrote the first one, no one had any expectations on it.

And now we've got to follow it up again.

How are we going to make it even more fucked up?

Fun fact: back in the day when I used to make YouTube videos, the mum from Human Centipede was in a video of mine.

That's cool.

Did you ask her much about Human Centipede?

I didn't want to be that guy who was just like, you know, tell me about your most famous project.

Do you know what I mean?

Your dream starter.

So I think a lot about teletubby food.

No?

Yeah.

No, it's just fine.

On the way here, I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies.

Was it the Teletubby Steam Juice?

Yeah, yeah.

Because it does mention it a lot.

That soundtrack bang.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, it made me think.

I haven't thought about Teletubby today.

Just I know you bought them up.

No, I think about that.

I was literally thinking about this morning.

I think about that, you know, that like that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl at the pipe with a little bit of got a tubby custard.

Tubby custard.

I think about the smiley face toast.

Yeah.

And it's like therapy in it.

It's just soothing.

Like, yeah,

I want to be there

in Teletubby land.

Yeah.

I don't want none of the teletubbies there because that's creepy.

Yeah, sure.

Right.

We're past that now.

Do you have a gig with Tinky Winky?

Did I have a gig with Tinky Winky?

Yeah, yeah.

A few of us have that.

He was a comedian.

He was like an alternative.

comic from the 80s.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But he played Tinky Winky, so you'd occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you, you know, know, that's Tinky Winky.

Did you talk about it?

Yeah, sometimes he'd talk about it on stage, but like, you know, obviously they wouldn't believe him because they just assumed that comedians are lying.

So you would kind of see him talk about being Tinky Winky.

And I was like, don't think so, mate.

But like, we knew.

Tinky Winky is a green one, isn't it?

The purple one.

Oh, he wasn't the one with the hat.

No, it's the tallest one.

Dipsy had the hat.

That's hard, though, innit?

You're not even the star.

Yeah.

Because the hat.

Yeah.

He was the solo career kind of.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think you ask different people, they'll tell you different, you know, telly tubbies where they start because they're the you know, they resonated with that person, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, maybe you're just like a dipsy guy.

I identify with Poe quite a lot, yeah, yeah,

the afterthought in it, yeah, like always last,

they're like, oh, I guess Poe is all,

um, but you don't want any of them to be there while you're eating

to be there, no, because I know it's adults in like costumes, and then I feel like that's like verging, you know, like sort sort of baby fetish territory.

I feel like I'm doing it in my life.

Do you know what I mean?

But I want my friends there.

I want like my perfect birthday would be we like take, you know, like you can get an Airbnb and go be in a castle for a bit or whatever.

What friends?

Which friends?

It's all the people you didn't mention in your BAFTA speech.

Yeah.

Because your therapist took

precedent.

Imagine taking your therapist to tell it be land.

You'd get into it, innit?

You'd be like, well, let's unpack this part.

Friends who won't unpack shit.

or unpack the psychology of like why I'm desperate to go back to that time when you know that that show was so soothing you know like when life was easier basically it's you know life's easy in in tubby land right in Tally Tubby Land yeah the sun's having a laugh the sun the sun's a baby the sun's a fucking baby man the sun can be there yeah the sun can be there the sun can be there what about the hoover

yeah yeah

anyone who's not like a man in a suit yeah yeah yeah do you know what i mean so the hoover can be there noonu noonu's huh yeah Nunu's there, and also because we're gonna make a mess.

Do you know what I mean?

There's gonna be racks and lines of coke that Gunya needs to

be.

Well, pop a dumbs for a start.

Noonu's gonna be going wild.

I've got a popcorn out your face.

Yeah, that suit is gonna be working overtime.

I wish those tubbies were back.

It feels unethical now, isn't it?

It's like, is Nunu getting paid?

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, in lockdown, when the Kardashians had that like holiday and they had like the help in the background wearing masks, obviously not.

Obviously, I don't know about that, but yeah.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, during lockdown, they threw a party.

Yeah.

And there was like photos of like the help in the background, like

serving and like masks and stuff.

Anyways, that's what I want Nunu to be.

Yeah, okay.

You know, yeah.

Do you want tubby custard and tubby toast as your starter then?

I want tubby toast.

Yeah.

Because let's not get crazy.

No, I'm not trying to have dessert before my main.

Do you know what I mean?

That would have been nice, though.

I would have liked that.

If you had tubby custard and tubby toast.

Yeah, I hear you.

Maybe we could dip it in.

Oh, come on.

Surely you want to dip the tubby custard.

Because they go together, right?

See what it's like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it just, the main thing is it needs to look really plasticky.

Like it needs, do you know what I mean?

It can't, because it looks so vague, and that's why it was so delicious.

What do you think tubby custard and tubby toast tastes like?

I reckon like art department making food, which is not real food.

Do you know what I mean?

But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid,

the toast would taste like um

you know those edible you know you get like some things that look like they're not edible but then they are like little marble cakes or you know yeah I know exactly what you mean yeah

yeah no you know when the sugar like goes all shiny because the way it's like cooked on and it's like snaps in your mouth like that's what I wanted to taste like oh now I'm confused like sort of glazed like with the yeah you know almond nuts yeah

you know sometimes they put like a sugar coating on them yes yeah okay and then they're like

shell.

Yeah.

It's another.

It's all about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like a really thick popadum.

Yeah.

With glazing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like

if someone got a popadum and put like

crispy cream glaze on it.

Yes.

Like if you put it through the glaze curtain.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's hardened.

The whole thing's like hard.

Yeah.

Like I want to do this in the royal icing, I think.

It might be like royal icing.

Yeah.

I think about like crispy cream glaze now on a popadum.

You said crispy clean, actually.

I did say that earlier.

I know I struggled with Toby Custard.

Yeah.

Like, it's all these words now are confusing me.

Would you go through the glaze curtain?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

If someone at Krispy Cream was like, lay down on that conveyor, but absolutely.

Just go through the glaze.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And be covered in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You laying on it on your back, on your front?

On my back, because my front, I've got a bit of a hairy chest, and hairs just can't be.

We're glazed.

We glaze, you know, we've all been there.

It's it's

getting it out.

Do you know what I mean?

I think at this point in my life, my um I've never had a hairy chest.

My back's hairier than my front.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it?

Yeah, I think so.

Wow, man, you should you wear that like a badge of honour.

Yeah, rarely

rarely check out the old back to see what's going on there.

But when I do, I'm like, That's the last place you want someone to be sick.

Exactly.

Much rather go Barrymore, get get it on my chest, get it on my chest, get that fizzy sick on my chest, for God's sake, Barrymore.

Pepsi vomit.

Yeah.

To get out than glaze, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that is very hard.

Imagine going for the Michael Barrymore Vom Curtain,

get a conveyor belt, they've bringed Bammon more up.

He's had 10 Pepsi Maxes.

We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did, it would be cool.

This episode will be the Michael Barrymore Vom Curtain, yeah,

yeah, Bammoremore Vustom.

So, yeah, Dreamstarter, yeah, yeah, yeah,

what's Tubby Custer tasting like, do you think?

Uh, sweet, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah, because otherwise it would be gunge wouldn't it like you'd just be eating sure yeah we want sweet we don't want it too sweet so you can have loads of it

I think like again you know the you know the crispy cream filling kind of doughnut filling yeah like that but pink yeah you know what I mean

I like this

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Your dream main course?

So growing up, yeah, we had a lot of Asian foods, but

every now and again, my mum would make English food, right?

And it was our favorite day, right?

And my mum's English food, she'd make one thing when it was English food day, and she'd get penne pasta, a whole block of butter,

can of beans, can of sweet corn.

There's your English food.

And it tasted

like happiness.

It was amazing.

And I've not had that since I was a kid.

Yeah.

So I would have that.

English food.

English food.

Do you think if you had it now.

Your forefathers had it, right?

Yeah.

Winter century.

Lapasta, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

The most British of things.

Oh, yeah.

Heinz is actually quite British.

Yeah, Heinz.

Hold on.

The beans were baked beans.

That's what I assumed.

Oh, yeah, baked beans, like canned baked beans.

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of baked beans.

Yeah.

No one's soaking overnight.

Do you know what I mean?

The baked baked beans is the sauce, right?

So exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

And when you mix it with the butter, it's oh, it's heaven, man.

Yeah.

Do you think it would taste as good now if you had it now, or do you think it was because it was the big treat when you were a kid?

I think it would still taste good because put a block of butter in anything

taste good.

I think it was the butter that made it.

Let's taste it.

Even if you put it in sweet corn, baked beans and panny pasta.

Yeah, no, I would, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no,

no, guys, yeah, knock it till you try it because the baked beans were soft, but the sweet corn gave a little bite.

So it had all the texture.

It is actually like, I bet if they did a

culinary,

culinary, that's the word in it.

Yeah.

I mean, it is English food, so colonially.

Yeah, quite, yeah, yeah.

We would do quite well.

If they did a colonially test, right,

I bet there would be a thing of like...

the sort of five textures that a food makes that that that that makes food satisfying yeah and that dish has everything Like it ticks all the boxes.

Well, all the ticks.

You think like salt, acid, fat, heat, a lot of people say, is what you need, all of the elements of things that you need.

Salt's definitely in there.

Definitely got salt.

Yeah.

You got a bit of a mush.

You've got a bit of a bite.

I don't know where the bite is.

They all sound soft to me.

The sweet corn sounds soft to me.

I'm going to say.

No, no, no.

She's not.

It's not slow.

Look at you.

Banga in mix.

Here you go.

She was busy.

She had three dishes.

Yeah, yeah.

And is she doing more cooking throughout the week?

Is like more efforts going into the other dishes around the world?

Not really, no, no.

So, what sort of what are you having on the uh, the rest of the days, the Asian days?

We had a lot of lentils, we had rice.

Uh, another one she was busy and couldn't be out.

My mom is a terrible cook.

She'd she'd get a chapati, roti, and

believe it or not, she wasn't a train shift.

Um, she margarine, sugar, yeah, roti.

Wow,

that sounds quite nice.

Yeah, definitely eat it.

It was great.

Yeah, yeah.

It was great.

But, like, do you know what?

Now that I say it, it sounds quite like pauper food.

Back in the day, it was not.

It was like a, it was the, you know, it was a treat when we got together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now it just sounds it sounds like min bare minimum survival food now, doesn't it?

Like, it's still tasty though, me.

Also, this English day is really funny that you'll be excited for English Day.

I love that it's English Day.

You're excited about it.

And it's a made-up dish that is mainly pasta.

So how that's English is the beop.

but i i i really love it yeah

the logic is yeah if it's not asian it's english food yes do you know what i mean like we could be having noodles you'd be like so english yeah yeah and also because you're you're excited for it because it's the thing that you don't have most of the time

yeah yeah except for when we got to like 15

then my mum would always start these like randomized businesses she was a hustler you know yeah so she once she started a catering business but she'd always be stuffing like she had no experience in yeah so she bought loads of like frozen food and it was the same you know, the same company who sells uh meals to schools.

So it'd be like the hash browns you'd get at school, the mashed potato mix you'd get at school.

Like it was that, and uh, yeah, so when we were like, I had to cook for ourselves, we just like we had this massive freezer and we would just school dinners at home, yeah, all beige, yeah, all beige, yeah.

I ate really badly grown up, I'm not gonna lie, it does sound like it.

Are you putting any like cheese on top of the pasta, baked beans, sweet corn?

The English food, the English food, sorry, yeah, it depends.

Sometimes, yeah, We'd have like, you know, the weak grated cheddar in the in the fridge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that is very English.

Very English.

So that's literally Audi, like grated cheese.

Yeah.

That goes off in like a day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very English.

And it's covered in this weird dust to try and keep it fresh.

Yeah, yeah.

What even is it?

Yeah.

English.

It's English.

I would like to try this dish.

I would like to try it just to see what it's like.

This immigrant family didn't simulate into this country.

That is what we would normally say we will edit that in after you've left yeah yeah but we'll make it look like you said it to your face so people don't get us on it yeah that's our catchphrase you said it to his face you didn't have a problem

you've had a you just had a drink out of your bottle of water now i hope you don't mind me picking you up on this you did it a few times you when you drink out of a bottle i've noticed you make sure your lips don't touch the bottle Is that fair?

Well, when in school we used to all share like a bottle of water.

That's what it is.

It's sharing at school.

That's the technique.

Yeah.

Panda pops.

You sky it.

Yeah.

I think the word I heard most in school would be backwash because it'd be like, don't backwash.

Don't backwash my drink.

Yeah.

Exactly, man.

It was a big thing.

It was a big thing.

And I feel like these days we've lost a sense of community and everyone's got their own drinks.

Do you know what I mean?

We're all on our own screens.

We're all on our own bottle of water.

And actually,

Panda Pop Round, you're yeah, because you're constantly thinking about what if someone wants a sip of this.

What if one of us, Benito, for example, wanted a sip of that drink?

You're like, I want to be able to hand it to them.

Well, conscious, consciously, no,

but now I'm like, yeah, you're still in the commune in your head.

I'm still in the commune.

Do you want a bit of mold?

Ben said, No,

you could have that tea all to yourself.

You agree, little boy.

Selfish

your dream side dish.

Will this be English as well?

Will this be so quintessentially English?

Heads up.

My dream menu is very English.

Yeah, yeah.

So far, I've uh so far all of it's very English.

The tummy custard.

I've got a moment.

Teddy's up is British.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enough.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Exploiting cleaners on no wages.

Very English.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so

the greatest pleasure, food-wise, food-wise

already made me laugh.

The greatest pleasure.

Oh,

Moan's chair just went all the way down for the listener.

We haven't had this before, but the chair.

You set me up.

Benito did not set you up.

I think you accidentally knocked a little lever and it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now pointing at your forehead.

I'm just going to stay like this.

I think these chairs might be related to Nunu.

It's a similar kind kind of device.

God, I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's gonna be.

Yeah, the clip's gonna be when your chair fucked up.

Just

disappearing out of frame.

Did you do this?

It's like power play, man.

Yeah, it's a power play.

I swear I didn't do anything.

You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow.

I don't trust you.

But we've all rigged that up.

Yeah.

What was the greatest pleasure I was talking about?

Your side dish.

My side dishes.

Greatest pleasure.

Some reason I've like just lost hope in life.

Just be like, sure.

Gonna be like big in Greatest pleasure.

You just deflate.

Yeah.

Okay, no, the,

you know, the cheese.

If you do any kind of cheese bake,

the crusty bit on the side, that's a bit burnt, the pan scraping.

Yeah.

I want to hope I hear that.

That's a good.

Oh, this is definitely.

It's the best bit.

Fuck, it happened again.

Did you touch anything?

Did you touch anything on the channel?

I think you might have to stand up.

You might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out.

Right.

I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure?

Then cheese scrapings from around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer.

It's the greatest pleasure.

Totally.

And I love the idea of a side dish, which is just a whole plate of cheese scraping.

A whole plate of that.

And

I want it done like a fancy meal, right?

So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little center.

tiny bit yeah a little basil on top or something nice a little squiggly sauce line yeah do you know what i mean yeah yeah.

I don't want it to look like dregs, but it's like dregs made to look like

some fancy stuff.

Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from?

Yeah, a pasta, a pasta.

A lasagna?

Like a really English lasagna.

Yeah, yeah.

Are we in.

I was going to say London.

Yeah, and we are.

So there's no...

The myth doesn't really work.

Are we in London?

Lasagna?

Are we in London?

Yes, we are in London.

This is exactly where we're.

I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said, are we in London?

Are we in London?

Yep.

See you later.

The worst riff I've ever done.

Yeah.

Come in, man.

Are we in London?

Look at that on a t-shirt.

Yeah, so that.

Like, scrapey, scrapey.

That's great.

I love scrapy scraps.

On the plate when you've got the fancy thing.

Are you having them like, you know how people put the triple cooked chips?

And they do them in like a Jenga Tower-y kind of way?

Is that how you're getting the scrapings up?

Are you lining them up?

Scrapey, scrapey.

Are you lining them up in twos and like a little tower?

I imagined them like a pyramid, like a fervent shape, yeah, yeah, like a sort of little tower pyramid, a pyramid of scrapey scrapey, yeah, yeah, with a little um garnish on top, nice, and maybe even it has a fancy name, like dreg on der

dragon der, dragon der dragon der dragon der, yeah, yeah, it's like the dregs, yeah, yeah, I don't know what on der means on the plate, on the plate,

dreg on the plate,

dragon de plate,

yeah, This is my dream side dish.

Yeah, I like the dragon dough.

Is there a particular cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of, or is it like a mix of cheeses?

Yeah, do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into?

It's the one that begins with E.

E.

Dam.

E-Dam.

Because it melts well, innit?

Yeah.

I think I've not, I don't think I've ever melted E-Dam, really.

Is it E-Dam?

I think it is.

It's one of the Swiss ones.

Yeah, yeah.

Emental.

Emmental.

Emental.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That shit is good.

Yeah.

You can have scrapey, scrape, Ebental.

Scrapey.

Yeah,

that was part of a lasagna.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lasagna.

Who do you want to eat the lasagna?

Because obviously you're not getting that.

You're getting just the scrapy you get from it.

Who do you want to eat?

You send that to someone to eat it.

Because we've got to get rid of it.

We're not going to throw that away.

We don't like wasting the dream.

Or do you want Nunu to suck it up?

Oh, fuck it.

No, no, no.

Not go to waste.

Well, you know what you did.

What?

Do you want Nunu to suck it up?

Anyway, so we're not having Nunu suck the lasagna up.

No, I don't want food going to waste.

Do you know what I mean?

Who do you want to eat?

We've got a table at the other end of the restaurant.

Someone's there.

Who's there?

Do you know what I'd just say?

I send it to my mum to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like.

Do you know what I mean?

She's not buying that.

She's absolutely saying, this is my favourite New English fish.

She'd be like, where's the sweet corner of the baked beans?

They fuck this one up big time.

Yeah.

Your wonderful P.R.

Fraser arrived earlier and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day and I want to eat it.

Don't say I want to eat it so much.

I think it sounds delicious.

Wouldn't it sound delicious?

I would like ink as the sauce.

I don't know if ink was the sauce actually.

I should have asked Fraser.

Fraser could hear it as soon as he's in the opposite room.

Fraser, apologies that I didn't ask you what the sauce was, but maybe it's ink as the sauce.

I don't know, man.

Cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish is nice.

It's like really white and meaty, right?

Yeah, I've only had it recently.

This thing's delicious.

Yeah, but lasagna, though.

I think.

Lasagna is all layering cuttlefish.

Like bits of cuttlefish

in a layer.

It's a layer thing.

That's what's putting you off.

Yeah, man.

If you're going to layer something, it needs to be spreadable.

Do you know what I mean?

This is like...

Cuttlefish is like a little bit to me.

I don't know.

It just feels wrong.

I know what you mean.

Unless you're putting in a blender and turning it into something like mince.

I don't know if it is minced.

I should have asked Fraser.

Fraser, I feel like I didn't hold up the conversation.

You've really dropped Fraser in it here.

Fraser, I've dropped you in it so bad.

I'm sorry, man.

Have you ever had Parmesan crisps?

No.

You know, when...

Oh, yeah.

So grated Parmesan, put them in the oven, they melt, and then you get them out and they solidify quite quickly.

So it's basically posh cheese scrapings.

Perfect.

And you can buy them from like, I mean, I've seen them in Whole Foods.

We can buy tubs of just Parmesan crisps.

Amazing.

This sounds great.

I'm obsessed with making the byproduct the main meal.

Yeah, I think that's a good thing.

That's really good.

Yeah.

Custard, right?

The skin is the best bit.

Now, I know this divides people.

I know it divides people.

I eat just the skin.

If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin,

I would be be intrigued.

I wouldn't say no to that.

Right?

I did a,

I never, I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping.

There's never enough custard skin.

Yeah.

So I did a thing where I like basically got custard and lay, put it out in a tray.

So it was like a centimeter thin.

Right.

And it was all skin, right?

But it didn't work

because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form.

So then I tried it again and I fanned it.

Didn't work.

So then I was like, I think it needs to like stay hotter for longer.

I can say this right now I can't believe you tried it a third time

I think no you're like Hess and Blue and so this is great but Cammy I want to hear the rest of it but this is a stop because if I didn't do it a third time then what that I'd question my life decisions even more do you know what I mean like I've like if I've taken a day out to do this

Let's do all you know I mean do all the variables get the buttons and burner out.

Do you know what I mean?

So actually so what I did I put it on like I rested it on stuff and then I put tea lights underneath and it worked.

Wow.

This is why you're a success.

This is why I'm a success.

This is why I want a bathtub.

Why don't you shout out custard skin in your space?

I should have.

I should have.

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Your dream drink.

Okay, this is a bit cheeky of me, yeah?

But there's this, um, there's this drink called Faluda, yeah, which is actually a dessert.

But I'm the logic, I'm thinking, it's looks like an Asian dessert, right?

And it's got like, it looks like a pink ramen.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

It's got rose water and rose milk.

Yeah.

And then what looks like noodles, but is actually vermicelli.

Vermicelli.

Okay, so like very thin noodles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it's got basil seeds.

Where'd you get those?

Who knows?

Do you know what I mean?

It's so specific.

And then a dollop of ice cream.

How have I never heard of this?

Yeah, this sounds up your straight.

Far luda.

It's the gayest drink you'll ever drink.

It's amazing.

yes please wow like fluorescent pink and what's the ice cream what kind of ice cream is it uh oh so pistachio goes really well great but you know if you want to be a bit more tame you can do like vanilla and stuff but you want pistachio for your drink i want pistachio man because green and pink nice inner This sounds good.

I like this a lot.

And some people might say, oh, but there's a dessert one.

Well, my logic is if McDonald's can give you a freaking, what's it?

Milkshake.

Milkshake.

Thank you.

That English word that I always forget.

Then I'm sorry, I can have a faluda with my cheese crepings.

Yeah.

I think I had this.

I actually think I had this last week.

What?

On my birthday.

A faluda.

I think I had this.

You just said, how have I not had this?

And now you're saying you had it last week.

Well, then I just thought about it.

Well, you know, you didn't.

Because you've already said you've not had it.

At Gym Cano.

I think I had it at Gym Cano.

I think I did because they bought the desserts out and they didn't.

It was like set menu.

And I think it was, I've just run through everything that Moana said.

And I was like, well, that's actually what I, I think that's what I had.

Fluorescent pink with noodles.

It was pink.

It had what looked like verbicelli noodles in it.

Yeah.

It had like a dollar pub ice cream in the top.

That's what I had.

Right, man.

You had a far luder, man.

I had it.

Oh, yeah, man.

So, how did you not know that immediately when Moan was describing it?

Because sometimes when you're hearing something be described, it doesn't completely connect.

And also, because he didn't know what he was doing.

I'm right.

He's just checked the website.

Yeah, yeah.

I had it.

I believe you.

It's just a mad turn of events.

No, he didn't know what was happening to him.

So

I didn't know what was happening to me.

If you meet Billy Ocean, but you don't know who Billy Ocean is, you ain't going to remember it in a week.

But if someone was like, like, he looks like this, you'll be like, oh, maybe I met Billy Ocean.

So, did that happen to you?

Yeah, yeah,

Billy Ocean.

But I could not tell you what he looks like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

It's hard, isn't it?

I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like.

You know, that's on him.

Yeah.

We should have worked harder.

Yeah, I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like.

I feel like every year Billy Ocean gets put down the league table of famous Billies.

What is he?

A singer?

Yeah, surely.

Yeah.

Is he

who's the who's who is it who turns up in like the final kind of the finale of the wedding singer on the plane?

Is that Billy Ocean?

No, it's Billy Idol.

That's Billy Idol.

See, there's Billy Idol.

There's obviously now Billy Eilish.

So Billy Idol's probably annoyed.

Oh, yeah.

If I was Billy Idol, I'd be like, well, at least I was in that scene in wedding scene.

Yeah, because that's that.

People are going to watch that for years.

Billy Joel, obviously.

So, you know, Billy Joel's ahead of everyone.

Billy Bobby Brown.

I'm thinking of Billy Bobby Brown.

Billy Bobby Brown.

A teenager.

Billy Bobby Brown.

Billy Bobby Brown.

Yeah, yeah.

Who was a country singer?

Yeah.

Who's pissed off at Millie?

Yeah, gotta be.

Gotta be annoyed.

But then also, you look at the ocean thing.

Frank Ocean beating Billy Ocean.

Absolutely.

These days, no one's talking about Billy.

Everyone's talking about Frank.

I'm talking about Billy.

Yeah, but you didn't even know if he was a singer or not, and you didn't realize it when you met him.

But I'm talking about him.

My favourite chef ever.

Is there a place where you've had the best falura ever?

Where it's like, that's where you should go to get it?

Oh, there's a chain restaurant called Umbala.

And I grew up in Ilford, and they would have this like giant fish tank, and they had like a fountain of water go around.

And like,

it was like an event going.

Yeah, yeah, and they did amazing faluda.

And you know, everything's fresh as well.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I think they've gone down the pan a bit now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's a shame.

Well, they were known for also putting...

Have you ever had edible foil?

No.

You've not had edible foil.

For the listener, that wasn't the chair going down again.

That was

my one instance.

My heart rate should be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, no.

Edible foil.

Okay.

They do it on Indian sweets, right?

It's like,

it's like, it literally looks like foil.

Yeah.

But it's edible.

I can't believe it.

Does it function as foil as well?

It's very thin.

Could you wrap up leftovers and take them home in it?

It's very thin, but I reckon if they made it a bit thicker,

because that would be the shit.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I'm keeping my cod insulated and I can eat the insulation.

You just eat the whole thing.

You don't even have to unwrap this.

yeah yeah that's such a vibe

and then you'd like pull it out at work out your tupperware and everyone be like he crazy he's eating the foil and you're like

that's just like yeah and then

how crazy does it taste of anything the edible foil is it sweet or no it tastes of nothing yeah it tastes nothing that's pretty cool you literally you can make anything look like space food you can make it like you like you could put it on anything yeah it has to be a flat surface so because then it struggles to and you get it like um you know like gold leaf leaf.

You peel it off.

Yes, yeah, you get it like that and stick it onto the dirt, peel it off.

Great.

Magic, man.

I'm actually quite surprised you haven't got space food on it.

I would have thought you were the kind of guy, from judging by your menu so far, that you would chuck space food in there that you'd want to try some space food.

I don't really fuck with space.

No?

No, it's a bit overwhelming.

And like, and then also just that whole astronaut thing.

I'm like, I don't know if I want to eat out of a tube, man.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

How are you going to put cheese scrapings into

a toothpaste tube?

You're not like that food will never taste good.

Do you you into it?

I think I would

they have dried stuff don't they?

I the um I mean it won't surprise anyone, but I the astronaut ice cream once I went to some like museum like a space thing.

Yeah, it might have even been the NASA one and like had like the ice cream.

It was all right.

It's fun to eat it little Neapolitan astronaut powdered ice cream thing.

Sure, sure, sure.

You'd get fed up with it if you're an astronaut, wouldn't you?

Yeah, exactly, man.

Novelty in a museum, okay yeah but like you know if you're asking me about my dream meal yeah um i'm sorry why would i make a dream meal out of people what people have to do because they're compromised with gravity like it's a necessity it's not a luxury yeah yeah i watched a interview yesterday with riddy scott because he's promoting yeah it's oscar season and uh and he wants to win something and they talked to him about the martian And he's like you, they said to him, would you ever go to space?

He said, he said, I don't fuck with space.

He went, no, I'm not crazy.

And that was it.

That was the answer he gave

um but he was talking about the marsh and he was and he was like i got the script and uh i was like this is a comedy and everyone was saying to me no this is like a serious drama this is like a tense film and i was like this is a comedy the guy eats potatoes growing from his own dump i don't think i hear really scott say dump dump yeah yeah i thought he'd say shit or poo he'd go growing from his own dump growing from his own dump wow That's the director saying that.

That's Ridley Scott.

That's like...

Imagine getting that note as an actor in the potato seed, just being like, yeah just like laugh at it a bit more i find it funny that you're like remember you're eating your own dump yeah it's hilarious yeah yeah

yeah no i could i'd be in a space film i'd be i'd love to be in a space yeah simulated like all that great i think you'd be if you were in armageddon say and you were like part of the crew do you think you'd make it to the end of the film or do you think you'd die because like it's like owen wilson it's just like dead so quick in that mission.

Yeah, man.

I worry I would be dead very quickly.

Although they say when you're like under, you know, like it's amazing what you can achieve in it when you yeah when you really put your head to it I always identified with like the stoner in those films you know like in the horror films who die quite early on but have a good time doing it you know yeah yeah yeah yeah they're never they're never stressed yeah they die they die stoned right in horror films they're always really challenging

so you like to greet greet the alien and then get killed yeah just life's so stressful actually if the world really went to shit i'd like to think that actually i'd just be like do you know what it's out of my control yeah do you know what i mean

your dream dessert here we are

no do you know what the best cake i ever ever tasted right because my dream start to a sentence yeah oh first series of juice there was a scene where i'm eat i bite into russell tovey's arm and it's cake

such a tv cliche

and how many times has tovey done that as well he's like great i'm gym cake again every show God, I'm tired.

My arm's made of cake.

Yeah,

is it cake?

But Russell Toby.

Is it Russell Toby?

It was a cake.

Toby should go on that show, huh?

They should bring him out on that Is It Cake show?

It was a very long shoot, Dave.

I think he's scarred from the day where he had to be cake.

Because also, because we had to do resets, right?

So they made like three, three.

Okay, so we had this cake and it looked exactly like his bicep, right?

So already,

you know, like the veins and everything,

like color matched.

It was incredible.

Wow.

And they painted it and everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think the person making the cake, they were like, here's the person you're going to be making the cake look like?

They were like, oh, for fuck's sake.

He's so ripped.

There's like loads of stuff to do.

Whereas it'd be so much easier if it was just like my arm and then be like, just looks like a cake anyway.

We'll just get roly-poly.

Yeah, yeah.

Just get a jam rollipole.

You've got loads of tattoos, though.

Yeah, we'll just paint a roly-poly.

That's not too difficult, is it?

Paint a roly-poly of all your

different tats.

There's no veins.

There's no veins, man.

My veins are inside my arm where they should be.

Yeah.

If anything.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, it would have been simpler.

Actually, it would have been cheaper because I think it cost £6,000 or something stupid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it was worth it.

But we had to do like, obviously, several takes and stuff.

So.

I was like, oh, this is going to be the worst cake I've ever tasted, right?

It's a prop cake.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was the best thing I've ever tasted.

Something that looks like an arm when you buy into it.

And it was the, I don't even like Victoria Sponge.

Yeah.

It was incredible.

The jam was just jamming.

The buttery top was just buttery topping.

Like it was just moist.

It was so good, man.

So is that like expectation versus reality?

Maybe it was that.

Yeah, but that's your memory of the cake.

It was absolutely easy.

It was good though, man.

And was the outside like a fondant kind of thing?

It was like a marzipan type thing.

Okay.

Yeah.

And

like flesh coloured, you know what I mean?

And we shot it in, that was in the winter.

It wasn't tanned, you know, it was a pasty old looking thing.

Sorry, Russell.

Sorry, Russell.

The bicep was lovely.

Yeah.

But you know how you want your food to look?

Sure.

And it was just shock of it.

And then also the scene is like me falling in love with him.

That's how I know I'm in love with this man because he tastes amazing.

And

so that, like, it was no acting involved, man.

I was like.

How many takes did you do?

We only did two, sadly.

Yeah.

And there was more, but I just, I had, I had.

And there are two different arms that you took bites out of, I take it.

Two different arms did the crew eat the rest of the arm yeah I guess so yeah but I had to go straight into another scene and then um there was no more cake yeah got it everyone loved it straight into another and they didn't save you any nah can you believe that's crazy i mean to be fair they i wasted two with like massive bite marks in it and do you know what i mean so i'm like they probably had the drinks anyway they can cut around those bite marks this is mad because james did bake off with russell tovey i did me and tovey were on bacoff together oh yeah maybe he was made of cake that could have saved me some time but could have just leant over cut tovey's arm off

presented it to Paul Hollywood.

Done.

There you go.

Bite into that.

It's a lot nicer than it looks.

Yeah, exactly.

Don't be fooled by the veins.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd have got the handshake.

Or I could have just shook his hand with Toby's arm.

With his arm.

There we go.

Just held it up.

Hollywood handshake instead.

It was the worst day of my life.

Do you want when the cake is presented to you at the dream meal?

Do you want it to be just a disembodied arm cake or do you want it to be attached to Russell?

I want Russell on the table.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mussel's on the table.

Little bit of basil.

Basil?

Well, you put a little bit of basil on top of the

cheese scraping.

It tastes nice.

We could just put a little bit of basil on Russell Tovey?

Mint.

A little bit of mint on Russell.

Mint on Tovey.

Whereabouts do you want to put the mint?

Do you know what'd be nice in just a little palm of his hand?

A little palm of his hand.

So it's like positive.

Like some kind of weird pagan ceremony.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we'd hang out.

It wouldn't be weird.

We'd hang out and we'd chat like we're, you know, just hanging out as mates, right?

But he would have to like pose in the thing.

I think the whole, it was the whole, it was the whole atmosphere as well.

And it was like action.

And then you're doing this thing and you're in bed and you're like, you know, and I think that everything contributed to making it tasty, which that's why I do think like for like food is a four-dimensional experience.

It's about all the senses.

So Russell Toby's arm cake.

Russell Toby's arm cake.

Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now to see how you feel about it.

This is a great menu.

Quite looking forward to reading this back.

Still water.

You would like a stack of poppin' poppinoms with all the dips.

And you're going to just be biting them whole.

Starter, you want tubby toast with a tubby custard dip.

When you put it like that,

it sounds very juvenile.

Main course, English food.

Side dish, you would like cheese scrapings on a massive plate with a garnish.

No.

This has a name, thank you.

Sorry, you would like

dragonda.

Dragonda plate.

Dragonda, on course, you're someone culture.

Dragonda.

Drink for Luda.

dessert, russell tovey's, bicep cake, mint, a little bit of mint in the palm.

Now that's a menu.

That is a menu.

That's good, isn't it?

That is very good.

That's good.

I'd eat it.

I would want to eat all of that.

I'd like a slice of the tovey arm for sure.

I really want to try the Tovey Arm.

I do want to see what the Tubby custard and tubby toast actually taste like.

Cheese scraping.

Cheese scraping day long.

Absolutely.

And the English food, I'm not going to say I'm not.

you know curious about that either i do want to know what that tastes like well that's the one we can recreate at home quite easily because we're english yeah because we're english because you're english we've got all the ingredients yeah exactly it's in your blood yeah yeah yeah we we know how to make that don't you worry

fantastic menu thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant anytime mate

well there we go what a what a menu we should have known that menu would have been pinging around all over the place, James.

If a man puts helium in an egg.

Yeah.

They're going to order that food.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although he didn't order helium in an egg.

He didn't order helium in an egg.

God, because that was the secret ingredient.

But I mean what I said.

I would try all of that.

Yeah, I mean, the main course is one of the worst things I've ever heard.

It's hilarious.

Yeah.

I don't need to try that because I know what all the ingredients taste like.

You don't think it'd be nice?

No.

I think it would be comforting.

I saw where he's coming from.

It was nostalgia for him.

It was comfort.

And I could see how maybe if you were in a rush and you put all those things together, it would fill you up.

I mean, that would fill me up for days.

Yeah, I mean, it's something that I would never eat, but because of how much Maran clearly loves it,

I did want to try it just because of the joy it clearly gave him.

Because it's English food.

Yes, yeah, it's English food, and we should know really what it tastes like.

We shouldn't know what it tastes like as an Englishman.

But the cheese scrapings, stroke of genius for me.

I would also try the custard skin

considering the amount of effort that went into making that.

I mean, what a guy.

Yeah.

Spending the whole day doing that, but getting it right.

We've all been in situations where we've got a writing deadline and instead we try and do something like that, right?

Anything else to just anything but write and just put it off.

I told you, I made a carrot cake the night before Mock the Week once.

Yeah, that was why all of your scenes we'd like to see were about carrot cake.

About carrot cake, yeah.

All riffs on.

Yeah, and I was covered in crumbs.

You were covered in crumbs,

crummy gamble.

Crummy gamble.

Juice Series 2 is out soon on BBC 3 and iPlayer.

Oh, lovely stuff.

Ed, I guess that's off menu done for another week.

Yes.

We'll see the listeners next week for more food-related hijinks.

I don't like that, huh?

You're being all professional.

I think it's funny.

This is like new year, new vibe.

People don't know that when we're recording this, this is like January.

Yeah.

I'm trying to be professional now.

Yeah, but it's not the first one we've recorded in January, and you weren't professional for those.

But that was what I was thinking, Joanna.

I was like, Joe, what, man?

You've got to up your game.

Yeah.

You know, Ed does so many podcasts now.

He's so professional.

Yeah.

You've got to show him.

that like you yo you're professional too yeah and he did and because i worry you know i every time you leave i say say to Benito, he's going to leave me.

He's going to leave me.

He's going to continue to do the other podcasts full-time.

No way, man.

And I need to show him that I'm professional, that I'm worth staying with.

No, I will do this podcast forever.

Oh, I was hoping we could quit fairly soon.

No way, man.

I don't think forever.

I don't think we need to say forever.

Well, there we go.

We've made it unprofessional at the end.

See you next week.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladil here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, London, we're coming.