Nina Conti

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the creme of conversation, adding the sugar of friendship, and blowtorching with the flame of the internet.

Creme brulee podcast.

Creme brulee.

That is it, Gamble.

My name is James A.

Castle.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we're inviting a guest and asking a favour, ever start a Manco's dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

I just said creme, but for creme brulee, but it's more complicated than that.

But, you know, I didn't want to take up too much time time with that bit

and this week our guest is

nina conti

nina conti what a wonderful comedian ventriloquist many more things besides one of the absolute greats um such she occupies such a unique place uh on the comedy landscape the nina conti place and is

and it's just incredible like she's so funny so original so inventive we're very lucky to have her on the podcast yes absolutely we are and she is on tour it's been extended into the autumn with nina conti whose face is it anyway and this i think involves a lot of i mean the the brilliance of nina conti of putting these masks on audience members yeah using them as her her puppets improvising by what they do with their their bodies and their movements it's it's absolutely incredible it's always good always good one of the only people i've ever seen absolutely take the roof off of the tent at latitudes the the comedy tent, which is notoriously hard to play.

And you'll see horror stories, although there's been like reports in newspapers of comedians walking off stage doing that gig because it is a bit difficult.

I think it's one of the nicest festival gigs.

It's one of the nicest festival gigs.

Audiences often are really enjoying the comedy in that tent, but you know, they're at a festival, they're lying down, they're not being that vocal about it, laughing that loud, they're just chilling out and watching the comedy.

It takes a really engaging comic that they can't, they just get completely drawn into to really make them laugh out loud, especially to the point where everyone in that tent is losing it.

And let me tell you, that comic ain't me.

That comic ain't me.

But it is Nina Conte.

Kids run around like stray dogs.

Yeah,

literally.

The times I've done it, I'm just talking for my allotted time and then I'm walking off.

And I don't, do you know what?

I don't even bother slugging the gig off on stage.

That's how much I'm not invested in it.

I wait until I'm on a podcast years later.

But Nina's brilliant.

This is the point.

Yes, Nina is absolutely fantastic.

However, if Nina does pick the secret ingredient, ingredient, which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will be forced to kick it out of the dream restaurant.

So this week.

The secret ingredient is

monkey nuts.

Monkey nuts.

Because, of course, probably the puppet that is most famous from Nina's repertoire is a monkey called Monkey.

A monkey called Monkey, who I first saw in a Christopher Guest film.

I think

I can't remember which Christopher Guest film it is actually.

I think maybe for your consideration, but there's a scene where Nina plays a weather person in the weather report and just has the monkey with her.

And you just go, Oh, I guess that's a thing.

Uh, but I didn't know who she was, I didn't know that it was like, you know, but you saw Nina as well in that, right?

Yeah, Nina's there.

You said that I first saw Monkey in the Christopher Guest film, and I thought that's pretty harsh.

Sure, if she's it's also where I first saw Nina, she's done an audition tape, but monkey's been reading off camera and they've gone.

Who's doing the reading lines?

It's the monkey.

Get the monkey in.

Let's get the monkey in for that part.

Yeah, no, they're both in it.

Yeah.

But I was like, it's weird that weather person's got a monkey on their hand.

Yeah.

I think I'm going to look into that person and see who it is and discovered the comedy of Nina Conte.

Nina has also directed a film, her directorial debut and written the film, co-written with Shanoa Allen.

It's called Sunlight, and it's done the festival, so keep an eye out for Sunlight.

Yeah, it's bound to be on a platform soon.

And we're going to talk to Nina about it, find out more.

Executive produced by Christopher Guest.

Really?

Yes.

Well, I think I know where they met.

This is the off-menu menu of Nina Ponty.

Welcome, Nina, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

Welcome, Nina Ponty, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, wow, exciting.

Did you spill something?

It sounded explosive.

Well, I did tell I spilt something, did yes?

Yeah, yeah.

What would be the worst thing I could have spilt just then?

What would be the best thing?

Minestrone, but worst?

Yeah.

Best.

Because you've got bits in it.

Fun to

look at.

Fun to look at and...

Pretty fun to pick up and put back in a box, would you say?

And eat.

Yeah.

That's why when I go to the cinema, I tip my popcorn all over the floor because I know the staff will really enjoy picking that up and eating it.

And eating it.

It's really hard not to spill your popcorn in the cinema it is there's something large about that they know to put it under your feet i never i'll feel very up tense about where my feet and my popcorn are yeah yeah well there's nowhere else to put it yeah they should provide like overhead storage like on trains for you to put your pop you put your popcorn what about the people sat behind you bad luck what what what popcorn all over the floor You can't have both.

So hang on.

What are the other?

Are you imagining above your head, wherever you're sitting?

Yeah, but like a net.

Yes, now now you're talking.

A net.

Like a net shelf.

In fact, the whole cinema is hammocked.

Yeah.

We're lying in hammocks and we have separate hammocks for popcorn.

Separate hammocks for the popcorn next to you and then you can just reach over and pick out the popcorn.

Are you thinking?

Yeah,

on either side.

Or you could lie in a hammock and then just...

They could come and pour the popcorn into the hammock with you and then you're just in a sort of big old hammock full of popcorn.

It would fall through the holes, but like I think maybe if people were beneath you, that would be nice because then they'd be get the rain rain on with the popcorn above them this is like

we need acid i think it's it there's something a little this is lovely but it's a little tame as hallucin as hallucinations

i've never done drugs this is wild

this is wild i haven't done

what should we add to the this cinema

i don't know i was just thinking i've got to kick this up a notch what are we going to do with this popcorn now you know what i mean surely you've done acid your shows are crazy look look at that face you're putting on people i know it's very like that it's very like it's like a dungeon or something yeah

um you must have been on acid to write that no i know no i haven't believe it or not i'm scared scared my dad told me when i was about 14 that he knew someone who curled into a ball and screamed for a year after taking acid and it really went in it went in so it's obviously a lie now looking back

gotta be it's a lie dad but there are those childhood lies that you don't you don't unpick them until you're much older and go hang on a minute yeah

you know that whole thing of uh you get told if the wind changes if you make a stupid face the wind changes you'll stay like that exactly yes my mum told me she went to school with someone who that happened to like genuinely happened to

but i think my mum believed it really she said a girl a girl came back after the summer break and her face had

she'd been making a stupid face and her face had changed pretty sure it's like

yeah she was convinced by it i was like like how old were you and she's like 13 14 i was like you sure it wasn't a different girl a different girl or or just like the changes of life she's got a different face seen her in a while yeah got her haircut

speaking of faces whose face is it anyway great length man a fantastic show by nina conti autumn 2025 tour extension that must mean it's been a popular show nina It's been very nice.

Yes, it's been full.

Yeah.

So we're doing more.

And I'll make it very compact in in October.

I'm doing a lot of touring.

I'm so sorry.

I'm feeling really guilty.

I shat on the popcorn hammock dream.

Oh, you're getting

bad that you did that.

You feel like you were blocking it in.

You started it and I blocked it.

Maybe we can add some shit to it.

You eat the popcorn, you shit through the hammock.

Never shit through a hammock.

Oh, no.

Imagine.

Like Play-Doh Factory.

Play-Doh Factory.

Oh, geez, sweet.

Joe Lysit's back.

Not tame enough for you?

Oh, God.

Joe Lysett's back.

Yeah, have you seen his back coming through?

It's like a chair or something.

It's a hammock, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is a hammock he did that with.

I got mistaken for Lysett again at the weekend by two apps.

They were hammered, but it was like five in the afternoon.

I went in a shop.

They're absolutely trashed.

They clocked me.

And they, well, for one, they were called me James Lancaster.

And then they were like, so good.

Your special and eight out of ten cats does countdown.

And I was like, what are you talking about?

They don't do comedy special.

Eight out of ten cats does countdown, doesn't do comedy specials.

They were like, no, no, your special was on that.

And one of them was Australian.

He kept saying, look, cunt,

it was on 8 out 10 because it's countdown.

You read out the letters that you said to the car parking guys.

I was like, that's Joe Lysit.

No, no, no, no, it's not.

It's not a special.

Yeah, it's not a special.

It was a segment that you did on it.

They were furious that I wouldn't admit.

They thought I was being, they said, stop being humble.

Stop being humble and said it wasn't you.

Wow.

But what we're talking about is your show, not Joe Lysit on 8 out of 10 Cats does Countdown.

My show, I just did four in Scotland and I got to a point at the end of the one last night.

In oh god, it's so hard to remember where you've just been.

I was in Aberdeen, yeah, and I got to a point where I had people going like this.

I can't remember how it started, but I'm just showing the listener these tweaky little birds my hands making on either side.

And they were all four people were going like this, and I was making them say, Ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky.

And

something flipped, and I suddenly couldn't speak.

I have to apologize and say I've taken this somewhere to

just so stupid that I can't speak.

You've got me.

I did it.

I blew it.

I blew the fuse.

There must be those moments now and again because I get them and I'm just like up there just telling stories or whatever.

But when you're doing that and you've got the audience involved with the mask,

you must just be like, take a moment and go, how's How's it got to this?

What's happening?

I'm looking left and right going, what is happening in the universe in this little square, 12 foot square?

It's really odd

um but it was delightful yeah and coming out the train in Aberdeen and seeing the rain in the face in the back of the car parks and these sort of flyover roads that have pavements and then then you get to the theater and I think I'm definitely in the right job because this theater feels like the best building to be in right now anywhere you know it's like cozy the lights come on and you go thank goodness home but then I made them do that why did you make them do that well it happens without any planning and someone lifts their hand, and I'm watching everyone like a hawk for something to go with.

Somebody lifts a hand like, I don't know, I suppose they were gesturing about my monkey or something, but I make him say, I have a duck and I have two, and this one's happy, and this one's sad, and then it's just gone.

And then other people start lifting their hands, and they want to have their ducky duckies, and everyone's going, ducky, ducky.

I'm like, what sort of what sorts of

roster-blobby nonsense have I come up with here?

How do we get home?

How do we rise somewhere higher-minded?

You met Blobby?

Never met Blobby.

I'd be terrified.

I've met Blobby.

Have you?

Yeah.

I'd love to meet Blobby.

In and out of the suit, out of the suit.

Quite the thesp.

Is it?

Really, really talks, really talks quite loftily about Blobby.

Yeah.

Talks about Blobby and the mask, like the mask.

Yeah, yeah.

Right, yeah.

Which I guess you gotta do sometimes, you know?

Yes.

I've seen you, your amazing documentary, Her Her Master's Voice.

When you're doing the Ventrilocus dummies in the evening when you've had a bit to drink, I don't think you know which is which, Nina.

Maybe not.

That was compelling stuff.

There's a point where you push a dummy off your hand and you're like, you're horrible.

You think Blobby goes home, gets pissed, puts the head on?

Goes, where is he?

Is there a head?

Is it a separate head?

Good question.

Is it one long?

Yeah, I didn't see him standing like that with a, yeah, I just saw him completely out of the costume or in the costume where he is full Blobby, even in rehearsals for the panel show.

Wow, and you cannot get him to do what he's told.

Blobby doesn't make a noise, does he?

He's such blobby, blobby, blobby.

That's how we know he's called Mr.

Blobby.

And the guy in there is the one making the blobby.

He's going nuts.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, he's going insane.

I think it's him doing it.

Well, yeah.

Actually,

I should have asked that question, but I'm not.

But you're like in the same biz as Blobby.

Yeah, listen.

So you would have thought to ask that.

We can't.

James, that's not.

How does that make you feel when James said that you're in the same biz as Bobby?

It's pretty similar.

I can't.

Please.

You just said you were on the stage shouting Ducky, Ducky, Ducky.

That's not far away from blobby, blobby, blobby.

No, it's the absolute nadir of my career.

Last time I saw you was at a Christmas party, and I think I spent most of it reprimanding you for giving me the hardest kick of my life years ago.

I know.

Do you want to go for it again one more time?

I'd love to hear this, please.

I thought I didn't come out well as this story.

I think you come out well.

I think it's just funny.

I think it's a funny circumstances.

When Nina and I did

a new material night, what we were told was a new material night.

We turned up and then we discovered while we were there, the compere was on.

Everyone was having a bad gig.

There was about 20x on.

And the compere at one point spoke to someone in the front row who revealed how much they'd paid for their ticket.

And Nina was next to me and he went, what the fuck?

That's loads.

We can't all be going up there doing new stuff.

Oh, no.

And I was like, well, it's new material.

We're not getting paid.

And Nina was like, I don't feel good about this.

And then I just saw her put the new puppet back in her bag and then bring out the monkey.

And I was like,

I was like, Nina, I'm on after you.

What are you doing?

Goes on, just obliterates not just the venue, all of Soho, which was like in ruins after this gig.

Like, absolutely, the audience's heads are spinning around and popping off.

People can't believe how funny it is.

It's literally the best.

So

Nina's got

a set with that monkey that is some of the best comedy you'll ever see.

Yeah.

And I'd go on up that with my newest stuff.

Why didn't you pivot?

Because I didn't have anything like that.

Come on.

Even my old martin James.

Ready to eat apricot.

And then I think it's pure.

He's there to do the art.

That's what you should do.

That's why I think he's the more valiant in that story because you go on, you do your new stuff.

That's how you create

the world going.

You gave those people a good night.

All right.

James refuses to give people a good night.

Yeah.

Famously.

I think I probably didn't have new material.

I probably was just thinking.

You did have new material.

You had a bunch of puppets that were all new.

They were all sitting at the back next to me while I was watching you, looking at those guys, going, well.

Have you ever had a new puppet to do new material?

And then it turns out it just doesn't work.

Yeah, I've never really had any other puppets than Monkey.

I had a granny for a bit, and then I thought it was a man puppet, actually, that put in a dress.

But then I thought, I'll get an actual granny, and then I'll...

I spent a lot of time and money designing this old lady.

And then when she arrived, she had nothing to say.

And I would look at her and think, say something, god damn it, nothing.

Just a sad, needy look, like a dog that you have to leave in the house.

And so I just sitting there when you come back from gigs being like, do you have a good time?

Did you have a good, another good one, did you?

Use the fucking monkey again.

Tess.

And just like this feeling of owing.

And so I ended up just using monkey, really.

There's something so comfortable about that monkey to me.

It's the one.

It's the one.

It's got the,

it's got the voice.

I was going to say, I've definitely fallen for my own illusion.

But he's very easy, fits in a handbag.

He's very straight-looking face that you can project anything on.

So I don't really, I have, I'll be really surprised if I use another puppet.

It serves the purpose.

I'm not a puppet guy.

I'm not actually a monkey guy either.

Well now this thing of putting the masks on the audience as well, I think when you hit on that, that must have been absolutely huge.

That's lovely and it just keeps generating new stuff.

Yeah, I love that.

And I've started making my own of those a bit.

And then I've got somebody, I've got a better system now with 3D printing them and you can come up with a few more faces more quickly.

So yeah, it's different every time and that's really a relief.

It's lovely.

If Ed, myself and Benito were puppets, who do you think would be the most inspiring if you looked at us to and who would have the most to say?

Well, Benito is the most inspiring in this situation.

He hasn't got a mic, and it's like, what would he, what would he say?

What's he thinking?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's thinking a lot of stuff the other moment.

You get quite capable with your own faces.

I don't feel like the need to override what you've got.

Yeah.

You know, you know what you think.

Yeah, the silent producer is an intriguing character.

It's very intriguing.

It's very, very, he definitely hates our guts.

I'll tell you that much.

He hates our guts.

If he was a puppet, he'd be slugging us off, even though he's fucked up a lot this week.

We always start with still the sparkling water, Nina.

Oh, yes.

I'm going to go sparkling.

Belting stuff from the Highlands, not this gentle Italian is.

Yeah.

That really stuff that hurts.

You want stuff.

Feels sparkling.

Strong bubbles, spiking bubbles.

How

ferocious do you want the bubbles like?

As ferocious as it gets.

Yeah, you want to feel it.

Well, this is the dream restaurant, so we can take it dangerously ferocious if you want.

Yes, go for it.

It's really going to be painful, though.

Yeah.

It's going to be like a big cup of pens.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like they're moving really fast.

Okay, let's go for it.

It's it hurts.

Wow, you're tough, man.

Yeah.

You're so tough.

How long have you been tough for?

Yeah.

Fuck, 10 minutes.

Yeah.

10 minutes toughness.

10 minutes toughness.

Tap.

Do you get a lot of tap?

Some people do specify tap, and it's because where they grew up or where they live has very good tap water, they're very proud of it.

No, I also think it's people who want to seem down to earth during an interview.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like, oh, no, I just have tap.

Yeah.

You look at them and you're like, you ain't having tap.

Yeah.

No way.

You'd throw tap back in your assistant's face.

In a restaurant, I actually often do go tap when they say still are sparkling, but then you feel guilty.

It's like, oh, okay, tap.

Laddie.

I don't think you should feel guilty.

I think they set it up so you have to ask for tap.

So when they go, do you want still or sparkling water?

You have to make that step and say tap to get it for free.

So

all they're doing is trying to get more money out of you.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you should say all that to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You go, I know what you're doing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Be like, I know what this is.

Yes.

Now bring me sparkling water that's painful.

Let's start as we mean to go on here and be honest with each other and open and have you try and just pull the wool over my eyes and trick me yeah well sometimes it's the other way around yesterday i had a whole thing with my uh my the shop around the corner from me always trying to get me to have a loyalty card oh and i'm always like i don't i i don't want one and then and

hang on what do you mean always do they know it's you every time or do they offer it as a new they know it's me every time they always offer me a loyalty card going no i'm all right once i once i had it and i lost it within a week and i was like i'm not bothering with this

and and yesterday she was like, Come on, just you're in here all the time, get a loyalty card.

I was like, I'm not having one.

I'll lose it.

It'll become a whole thing for me where I've got to remember to have it.

It'll become a stress in my life I don't need.

And I'm trying to say to her, I'm loaded

without saying it.

And I try to say, look, and eventually I had to go, look, look, I promise you, I'm going to come in here just as much as I do anyway, either way.

So you're either going to get more or less money.

What sort of shop is it?

Just a nice shop.

I get go and get my

fruits and vegetables, go and get my smoked salmon, go and get my kombucha.

Oh, is that?

You can get a loyalty card in a shop like that.

They know you're loaded because you're going in to get your kombuchas and smoked salmon from a shop regularly.

Yes.

I feel like if I had managed to

fill up a whole thing of stamps and then I got a free coffee,

would it be enough?

No, I don't know if it would feel enough.

What would you want instead?

Much more.

I'd want all kinds.

I don't know.

I'd I'd want a holiday yeah I bought 10 coffees and now I'm claiming my holiday fill this up do you know what it took to remember that and bring it and this coffee is not the big enough reward I would say if it was a holiday to Aberdeen would that be a good enough holiday no although I did have a holiday in a car park in Selkirk during lockdown that was really that was a big big error I fell for the photographs on the Airbnb which were a country mansion with rolling hills.

And they were nearby, but they weren't part of the bloody place.

It was in a car park.

I'm not joking.

So on the photos,

it was just photos of the local scenery rather than

the view from the window.

So I find that kind of thing painful.

I found booking painful when I don't read the small print.

I just think, oh, I'm not going to.

I'm not going to go if I don't just book it.

Shall I just book it?

Shall I have to book and then go and then suffer?

Car park.

Terrible at that.

Yeah.

So in my head, you you were in a car as well you were sleeping in your car yeah on the holiday in the car yeah in the car that's what i thought when you said that i thought oh my god it's the most depressive thing i've ever heard but you were in a house in the car park i can't even get my car park my head around how that works i think somebody had a garage and they turned it into a sort of a lofty barn sort of thing but it wasn't really it was probably still out there Were you in the little box

with the arm that goes up and down and lets people in and out?

Was that where you were sleeping?

I'd like to sleep in one of those.

In a little toll booth?

Yeah.

In a toll booth, yeah, upright.

On the arm, up and down all night, please.

Sliding all the way down and then sliding back to the middle.

Yeah.

If you worked in a toll booth, would you like duck down below the table and do the monkey?

Yes, thank God.

And then I wouldn't have to be there.

It would be laughing and apologising for everything he says.

Just them.

Now the monkeys come back up.

I'd really like to talk about your film, actually.

Tell us a little bit about Sunlight, your your directorial debut yes i know it was uh it was a real pleasure to do it's been since i began working on that seven years believe it or not i cannot believe how long it takes to make a film but that's a love story between a man and a woman who doesn't want to come out of a monkey suit which is me yes and that that really is me i think in the world and uh so

deciding that you

whatever you had doctored yourself as the way to present in life isn't right, not really what you want, but you're stuck in it.

And then you, and you don't make good decisions because you're not a good ambassador for yourself.

And then you get a monkey and you're hidden in it.

And you just, you don't have to be a woman or anything.

And you can just start from scratch.

That was kind of the premise.

And that's what I kind of did on stage.

I got a monkey built by the woman who made Chewbacca.

And I really, really loved being in it.

But it was very stuffy and I couldn't breathe, but it definitely was my happy place because I couldn't.

I don't know, it was very freeing.

And I did an hour of stand-up in that monkey straight out the gate without a plan, new material, James.

Yeah.

Wow.

Where was I?

Not going on next to that gig.

Let me borrow the monkey costume for my bit as well.

But I was working with Chanel Allen of the Pajama Men, and we were doing little gigs together.

And I was sort of falling in love with him from inside this monkey suit.

And I thought, this is a weird seduction, but it might just work.

You know, maybe I can, maybe I can pull this off.

And, yeah,

sorry.

Anyway, do you still love him if you're not in the suit?

I do very much.

Yeah, yeah.

It came out.

But he has to be in the suit.

He has to then be in the sun.

Someone's got to have the suit on.

Yeah, the suit just lying next to us.

But

I really enjoyed making it.

I went to New Mexico.

It felt like a proper American road trip movie.

And yeah, I loved doing that.

It was, yeah, it was great.

Shanoa's a little pervert.

Oh, yes, I remember this.

Go on, please.

He walked it at Glasgow Festival.

My girlfriend and I were in our caravan

sleeping on top of the, it's so hot, it's boiling hot.

So we're sleeping on top of the bed, just in our underwear.

Shanoa just walked in out of nowhere.

Oh, no.

He got the wrong caravan.

He reversed out of there.

He was very, very,

it was extremely British, actually, in that moment.

He was like, oh,

I'm sorry.

And I was like.

Can you immediately shout that he was a pervert?

Yeah, I said, get out of here, you dirty little pervert.

I'll slap you silly.

That's home alone.

That's from home alone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pop-doms or bread.

Pop-lums or bread, Nina Kuntzy.

Pop-lums or bread.

Pop-a-doms or bread, you say?

Yes.

Just a bit.

You did just a bit say that.

I went like, pop a dumbs, please.

Lovely.

Lovely choice.

Why the pop-a-doms over

thin

sauces, fun sauces.

Can I move all the sources?

Take us through the fun sauce.

I wasn't expecting that.

Christian was a curveball.

Wow.

Yeah, poppa doms.

I like those little poppadoms in a bag of crisps.

They're not in with the crisps.

They are the crisps.

And I would have them at the Royal Shakespeare Company.

I was there, darling.

And

at the Dirty Duck pub after the show, they would sell those.

I'd have them with my old friend Annie.

Do you want those for your dream menu then?

We'll get them from the Dirty Duck pub.

From the Dirty Duck.

Little packet of poppadoms.

Packet of poppadoms for the dude.

Or the mini ones.

People have a certain idea about Shakespeare and the RSC, the sort of how highfalutin the whole thing is.

I think people might be surprised to hear that you're after the dirty duck for a bag of poppadoms.

It's all about sort of shagging out there, I think.

It was.

It was a bit like a summer camp or something.

Yeah.

You know?

But then

I was going to really slag it off, but I was stupid.

What if I want to go back?

But it was, I don't want to go back.

Come on, slag it off.

There we go.

It was just.

What do you think Shakespeare's going to hear?

Shakespeare's not going to hear it.

I like Shakespeare.

Shakespeare would roll over in his grave if he knew how bad some of those shows were.

Well, there we go.

Absolutely.

You leapt over the line.

You were scared of approaching a minute.

There was a posity about it.

And there's a credit.

He's sort of got to behave there and all of this.

But it's actually kind of a theme park, I think.

They're doing it all the time.

And maybe there have been good ones.

I'm talking about a long time ago.

I was there in 2000.

It was a long time ago.

And it felt like everybody was pretending.

I don't know.

I just couldn't feel, I couldn't believe in any of it.

But maybe I was just very sour grapes.

I didn't have any lines.

And I was in a very tight dress.

And

I had to not laugh or anything.

I had to hold my hands in a clasp like that, you know, the chest bone and pretend to take an unnatural interest in what the speaking characters were saying.

Was that your first puppet?

Just the hands in front, not saying anything?

The hands holding on to each other.

Well, I would dig my nails in because I would get the giggles because it was serious and I wasn't allowed to get the giggles.

And you had to behave well.

You got told off all the time.

I got sent to the voice department and stuff.

The voice department?

Yeah, well, it's the voice department.

On day one in the Swan Theatre, we walked around and we had to say, I'm wonderful.

And I can't tell you how unhappy that made me.

Quite rightly.

And some people, these drama exercises, I think they do have their point because they get you out of yourself or something.

But

that really broke me, that why I'm wonderful in a big voice.

I felt so silly.

Yes.

But maybe now, I actually, looking back, I think I was a very, I hadn't bloomed at all.

I was a very tense person.

And so I would say everything was stupid because I didn't want to take the risk of looking stupid.

Yes.

So actually, in retrospect, I go, go for it then.

See, if you can walk around the theater saying I'm wonderful properly and sonorously, then you, maybe you do belong here.

Can you do it now?

I'm no.

I think that's one of the like, or maybe the biggest difference between comedians and actors

is that I think to be an actor, you really have to not give a shit about looking silly and being embarrassed and just go for it.

And comedians, we think everything is stupid.

We don't want to do it.

We feel really stupid doing that stuff.

And looking silly should be our job.

It should be our job.

But actually, we are very

controlled.

And just the way that we like it, we don't want to do the stuff that

feels stupid.

No, we don't want to

say someone else's lines and do all of that.

No, I would find it really hard going back to acting.

Even if I had to go walk over there and pick up a cup.

Yeah.

Wow, is that on the way?

I'd be feeling like a fraud.

I've never picked up a cup before.

But surely they know I'm not really going to pick up this cup.

What was the play?

What was the Shakespeare play?

I was in As You Like It and I was in Comedy Veras.

And I was in a very long George Bernard Shaw play called Back to Methuselah.

As You Like It was the really the big challenge.

That was the big challenge where I was really set dressing

standing in that dress.

It was very difficult.

So

I got out of there.

That's when I went to comedy, was I got out of there.

Yeah.

I became a ventriloquist shortering the time I was there.

I had to do a school play once where I played a waiter who didn't have any lines because it was like a cafe in the background of the whole play.

And they were like, just come out now and again and sweep the road.

I'd swept that road every 30 seconds, I'd say.

Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, just you know, in charge of the cafe, I'd pop out, sweep.

They were like, just do it whenever you want.

But, like, you know, you're just sweeping the road.

Oh, that road was squeaky clean by the end of it.

Should I be sweeping the road as the junior waiter?

Well, maybe you should actually.

Am I supposed to be sweeping the road?

I didn't know that was one of my duties.

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Let's start with your dream starter.

My dream starter is a pistachio nut tree.

What?

Tree.

And you eat the pistachios off the tree because they're very different on the tree.

And they're beautiful.

They're pink.

These lovely little pink buds.

And the tree is a very beautiful tree and it smells amazing.

I only met one for the first time last year.

And I was in love with this tree thinking that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen.

And I didn't know what it was, but on that leaf app thing where it tells you what it is.

No phones do it anyway it told me you take a picture and then it's it's like shazam's the tree and pistacho came up and uh that was so exciting i was like oh my god those little pink butts are pistachios yeah and you can open them and they're pink and they're sort of fruity and they taste amazing wow that was in greece i didn't know any of what you've just said existed until you just said it i didn't know pistachio trees were a thing i didn't know shazam a tree

like this is this is incredible um Yeah, it's really, really lovely.

Yeah, I know.

We always think of them as those open guys in bowls, and they're salty and they're colourless.

These were really pink.

And are they still in shells?

Are there still shells?

It was a shell.

You had to kind of

you bite through that with your teeth.

Obviously, they're not as open.

Is that when you take them off and you dry them, maybe?

I'm trying to remember.

I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open, but definitely I remember biting it open.

It's a bit messy.

Yeah.

Your dentist would tell you off for that.

Yeah.

Right.

And the molars.

Yeah, it works.

Did your dentist listen to this podcast?

I haven't been in a while.

Oh, mine does.

Obviously.

Yeah.

What you've got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast, he lives in an animated world in a small village, like in a sort of Feynman Sam.

Oh, lovely, yes.

Where he knows his dentist, he knows his dentist with his full name.

Yeah, he knows his dentist.

Yeah, yeah.

And how long have you been going to this dentist?

Quite a while since 2018.

Oh, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that was when I moved to that that flat and then I just carried on going to even when I moved out, carried on seeing the same dentist.

And seven years that you've been seeing this dentist, have you seen him more than once a year?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist and then I'll see them in the corridor.

My dentist, I go, oh, I've just seen the hygienist.

He'll say, I listened to that episode the other day.

And then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode?

Oh, no.

Did I speak loads about sweets again?

Is he going to...

I mean, probably in the bad books.

James is very obsessive about things like that.

So

James goes to the dentist every day to have his teeth brushed.

Yeah.

Me again.

Because you're ventriloquist when you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth.

I can.

I can.

Yeah.

I can still talk.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's great.

Do you do that?

I know if you haven't been in a while.

Do you say, do you do them saying what great teeth you have?

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, I got teeth.

I saw perfect.

You don't need to come back for five years.

Yeah,

it's the very back of your mouth.

You're using the back of your tongue and the soft palate

to form substitute lips at the back.

And

that's where you do plosives.

Now that we're at plosive,

all over the wall behind you.

That's how you form plosives and humble

tongue into the soft palate.

And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth, so that can be open and things can be in.

And you can still say Peter Piper and all that

if you want to not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips no no no but no just when something just scratches the wrong itch yes

it doesn't sound nice

yeah yeah sounds pretty horrible yeah as well as whatever whatever you said humping your tongue against the back of your palate humping's nasty substitute lips is nasty i've loved the tone

but i would if i was you i'd be talking all the time during the dentist i absolutely love it well you haven't especially last time i was there, like when I went in to the hygienist, and the assistant just said hello to me.

No small talk beforehand.

As soon as they're in my mouth, they start saying to each other, So, who do you think is going to win traitors?

And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me?

I can't get it.

So I was having to like put my finger.

Like, one of them said, to be fair to her, she said, The person who did end up winning, but I disagreed at the time.

I'll put my hand in the air and I wag my finger

while they were in my mouth and they were like, You don't agree?

I was like,

Then you left the dentist to afford your loyalty card.

Yeah, yeah.

I take that one.

I'm there every morning.

A pistachio tree sounds amazing.

We haven't had this.

Do you want it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant?

We say it's time for your starter and the tree grows in front of you.

Yes,

if it can be sped along a bit.

Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

I don't mean

growing in real time.

Yeah.

Yeah,

it's quite a long starter.

It's actually most of the meal if you're waiting for it to grow in real time.

Yes, a very long starter.

I'd say most of the meal, yeah.

Yeah.

We don't know what the rest of it is yet.

Could be stuff that takes even longer.

Yeah.

Yes, they can roll it out, roll it out with this big clump of earth.

How big is it?

I think it's on a par with the trending of another tree, Rome tree, maybe.

It's about the size of a

football goal.

A football goal?

Thanks for speaking our language.

You took one look at us and you went, we're going to have to make this about football for these ladies.

Hang on a minute.

I think the four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree.

On our shoulders?

All the trunk.

We're each on your shoulders and we reach our hands out.

We've got a trunk size.

And we should do that one day.

We'll do that one day.

And we're like acrobats on their shoulders, all coming out of different angles.

Yeah, and with our fingers splayed and everything, extremities out, and that each is a bunch of pink pistachio nuts.

Your dream main course?

My dream main course.

Gosh, this is a dream.

I should have dreamt bigger because this is something that I can have any time.

But my dad makes a spaghetti pomodoro, which is very nice with fresh tomatoes.

And it comes from his father.

It's Italy.

It's my Italian connection, which I've tried to make the most of.

I never met anyone Italian in my family they all died but I

but I this is a connection this dish

I made a video of him making it with the monkey and he put up with it very sweetly and made the whole spaghetti with the monkey being facetious so it's that and you you make you you don't put the garlic in it you don't eat the garlic but you flavour the oil with the garlic good olive oil fresh tomatoes and very al dente pasta, which he has a weird thing.

He doesn't use a colander.

He takes a pinch, a pincer thing and takes them out and sort of waggles them around a bit and then into the plate.

Nice.

I like that.

Yeah.

Is that to keep some of the

water?

Yeah.

It's not too drying.

Yeah.

Nice.

This does sound absolutely delicious.

That does sound good.

Classic.

It's quite simple.

No cheese, a little bit of chili, a little bit of arabiata, a little bit angry, that means, if you want, a little bit angry.

Is that what that means?

I don't think I ever knew what that means.

Is that what it means arabiata that's what he told me

but he's an actor he's an actor as well he could have been lying yeah i mean i don't trust him with the acid story yeah exactly he did he did tell you about about your scream for a year

yeah that man was very arabiata

and you is this just your whole life you've had this your dad's been making this i yeah i guess so yeah i think so And then I went to, he told me that the tomatoes are the best.

If you go to the Malfi Coast, that's where you get the tomatoes the the most lovely and i went there this year and had it there and it was lovely

so so maybe the man did scream for a year yeah yeah maybe he did maybe he's still screaming oh no oh so you think it was a year when your dad told you it was only a year then he's a year in yeah it was a year in yeah he's he hasn't unballed either he's still oh yeah terrible for your back though awful for you i mean yeah he's fucked acid he's never if he's still doing it, he's never getting out of that position.

He's always going to be a little ball.

Maybe my dad was on acid when he told me that.

Yeah.

That's true.

He could have been.

Yeah, look, that man is just over there screaming.

Yeah, the pastor was very weird that day.

All over the place.

He used a colinder, that's how you knew.

That guy must be on acid.

He's tripping balls.

You said that you put up with the monkey.

What does your dad think of all your comedy and your shows?

I think he's sort of astounded that I would be a ventriloquist.

As am I.

I don't know how it's happened.

It's a very strange thing to say.

You are.

It's not something I've been a fan of or anything.

He's astounded and

I don't know.

I think he's a little frightened maybe of what that monkey can say.

That it might be angry or maybe that I'm not okay.

It's everything okay.

Why is he so foul to you?

That sort of thing.

Oh, that's what he says.

Yes.

And I don't think of the monkey as foul.

Everybody says he's a rude monkey and everything.

But I don't know if he is really.

I think he's kind of all right.

Seems normal to me.

Yeah.

I don't know.

He's

the best part of myself.

Line from Tootsie.

It would be weird if the monkey was just like...

completely normal and agreeable though, right?

He is.

As in, he's not, you know, he is rude.

He's cheeky monkey.

He's not deliberately rude.

That wouldn't, it wouldn't be a show if you had a monkey puppet.

It was just normal and fun.

No, he's just honest.

He's not out to be rude.

I mean, I guess my honest self might be rude, but I consider it sort of straight talking, quite yogic, quite calm.

He's got a steady pulse and just says things quite honestly.

Unlike me, I'm like...

fretting around at his side.

But I don't think of him as rude.

I think of him as steady.

And what's like, I swear that there's bits in it where, like, if I'm thinking about the 10-minute gold and all the hits set that you did at the new material,

um, there's plenty of lines in that where you say something and the monkeys like fires back at you with a little, you know, with a

dig.

Yes, I mean, he's all the time called me a slut and a bitch.

Some people would say that's rude, some people would, and I can't get enough of it for some reason.

I don't know, I think I find it.

Yeah, I don't think I couldn't say that and then start saying I'm being yogic,

Guys, I'm being yogic.

You buy just sluts.

It's funny.

I don't know.

Why I'll never not find it funny and calling me a slut.

I don't know why that, what does that mean that I find that so funny?

And then if I say, don't call me that, it hasn't aged well, you know, it'll just say it again.

And it got, I just, for some reason.

Well, that is funny.

The monkey calls it all.

Monkey calling you a slut is funny.

Yeah, as long as, you know, as long as we know it's actually you doing it, Yeah, yeah.

As long as we know it's me doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If that was you and Shanoa and Shanoa said that on stage, I'd be like, I got used to fucking.

That's a bit much.

Yeah, well, that's not, that's not funny.

That's good coming from a perf.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's where it's coming from.

You should know you're not perf.

But, like, that's part of the thing, isn't it?

It's that we know it's you.

Yes.

But also, we're not sure that you know it's you.

Nor am I.

As the audience.

We're like, does she know that's her?

Yeah.

Because that comment from the monkey seemed to have genuinely caught her off guard just then.

Yeah, and it's true.

And I've lent into that as much as possible.

So I have let control go.

I would like to encourage madness and, you know, split personality with that monkey.

I try not to get in the way.

I look at him and I try to have nothing to do with what comes out of his mouth.

So I wonder if I've grown little separate neural pathways that are slightly different from my own over time.

I hope I have.

I'd love to go on a brain scan and see what happens when he's talking and when I'm talking.

It'd be really fun to see a different bit light up.

I hope so.

I've been working at it for ages.

I think it's severance.

You think it's like severance, yeah.

I think, yeah, he's your innie,

work self, and you're the outie.

Yeah, and you're on stage together, and you don't know that it's both you.

No, I have to look at him as well for it to work.

Actually, I have to look at the face to

properly engage the severance because then it seems to talk to me.

And during a bad gig, I look at it and it seems to look at me.

Like, this is not good, Mina.

you've let me down oh so he never takes responsibility for the bad no he looks at me blankly like that wasn't this is not okay Nina they don't like you and I'm here having to put up with this quite a toxic double act really yeah yeah

just like us yeah it's true but then sometimes he's a real friend like in with the French the Paris food gig I did where everybody's standing up and they're taking little morsels off trays and people and there was music playing and it was a it was a corporate I shouldn't have done, but I thought Paris would be nice.

And they weren't listening, it was just a lady on stage with a teddy trying to hold herself together, and they were all chatting.

And I looked at Monkey and oh my god, I could have hugged him.

It's just like the only friend in the world, and we were in it together.

And I looked at him, I'm going

really, I wanted to just hug him and leave.

This is a food podcast.

Um, do you remember any of the food at the food gig that you did?

I'm afraid afraid I don't remember.

I don't remember the moment.

I remember I had a nap under the table before I went on feeling really bleak.

It was a tough one.

It was a tough one because they were all going, that's that lady who was napping under the table just now.

With her puppy.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

She thought, it's a crazy lady.

I kicked her earlier.

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Your dream side dish.

Oh, God, I haven't made these fun enough.

These are all real.

I was in New York recently.

We started with a pistachio tree.

I don't want you to worry about your menu.

This is fantastic.

We've had a lovely pistachio tree, a beautiful dish that reminds you of your dad, and he used to cook it and still cooks it.

The monkey.

We've got all of those.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We've got Shakespearean popadoms.

It's great.

Okay, great.

Great.

Well, this is broccoli rab

R-A-A-B.

And it's from Little Italy in New York.

And when I was doing shows there last year, there's an Italian delicatessen.

I think it's called Di Paolo.

I hope it is.

And it was on the corner, and you have to go there early.

They're a little bit rude to you.

You have to stand in a special place in the queue.

You don't walk up to the counter because they're not like that.

And you have to wait.

they shout at you to wait, and then you go, but you have to go early in the morning, or the rub will be gone

and it's freshly made.

And so, and then you go up and you talk to them, and they do explain a lot about the food.

You realize it's kind of a show, and that's why you had to wait your turn.

You can't like interrupt the show, and that was really lovely.

I had that most days.

That does sound delicious, and I'm still not totally sure.

I've seen it on TV shows, I've seen people.

I don't know what to buy.

I don't know what what it is.

I don't know how to do it.

It's quite bitter.

It's a tiny bit bitter, yeah.

And it's much thinner, stringier than broccoli.

Yeah.

But it's softer.

It's so delicious.

Yeah, a little bit bitter.

Also, because I think I've only ever heard Americans say broccoli rub.

So I didn't know it was actually called broccoli rub.

I thought they were saying broccoli rob.

Yeah, I thought that because the first place I heard it was the American office where Andy Bernard's character has a friend called Broccoli Rob.

But the way he says it, I thought he's saying, because it's a person he's talking about.

Broccoli Rob.

His His name was called, his name was Broccoli Rob.

Oh, that's and because they never, you never see that character.

It's a friend of his from college who he talks about, who he was in an a cappella group with.

And he gets mentioned a few times.

And you're like, well, I guess it's a guy called Rob who liked broccoli.

Or he has got big sort of puffy hair.

Sure.

Like broccoli.

Yeah.

He could have had big puffy hair like broccoli.

So like you don't know any of that.

And then actually when I learned it was broccoli rob, I was like, so hold on, what the fuck?

That character's named after an entire dish.

That was even more questions for me.

Yeah, Rob sounds easier to say because Rob,

you get lost in that vowel that's a shame isn't it yeah

don't take acid and try and say rob you'll be saying it for a while eating rob in a salt

saub i don't like a double a really no i lose

lose the will to live before the end

well how did they prepare this broccoli rab I didn't see that.

I imagined it was a slow saute.

Oh, saute.

That's another difficult one.

Saute

Rob.

Yeah, I think that they, it's very oily and there's a lot of garlic in it that you do eat.

It was delicious.

That's on the side.

And I've got to ask as well, because you said these men were rude.

They started rude, do you?

Now, earlier, you said the monkey wasn't rude.

And we know what the monkey says.

So how bad must these people have been?

What were they calling you?

Yeah.

I think I got just shouted at quite sternly to get in the queue because I went to the counter and they didn't want me there at all.

Yeah.

Back in the queue.

But it was,

I don't know, it's Italian.

It's kind of charming road, you know?

It's part of the experience.

It's not so bad.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, but no.

It's not so bad.

I like, I get a real kick out of doing things right and following the rules.

So I'd be the first time I went and I'm told off for going to the counter, I'd be gutted.

And I'd have to build up the...

the bravery to go back really the courage i did it took yeah but then when i go back and do the right thing straight away i'd love it and i'd love it if someone else was there for the first time and they messed up see like how do you explain exactly what happened that's how do you not know this yeah

oh they're gonna get it oh yeah oh when i when i when i first started you know doing gigs in london little boy from ketrin i'd stand on the wrong side of the escalator get bollocked now if i am about to go up the escalator and i see someone standing on the wrong side i'm like here we go yeah yeah or rubbing my hands together

well i don't even want to walk up that side but i'm doing it's like a family with small kids.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Can you make your stupid fucking kids move up the way, please?

Absolutely brilliant.

And then they always move, muttering, oh, people in London are so rude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

You stand on that side of the escalator.

It's written everywhere, you fucking idiot.

I love it.

Do you cause trouble in the public?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you just say fuck off to people?

No, no, no, no.

I'm actually very nice.

Yeah, I'm very polite.

Excuse me.

But

I think almost I do it in a way that's even worse.

You have to because you're famous, though.

If you weren't, do you think you would let it out a bit?

No, no, no, no.

I've never, I've always tried to be as nice as possible, but they can tell they can see it in my eyes.

I'm like, oh, excuse me,

they're like, that guy

thinks my kids are fucking idiots.

Yeah,

I'm like, yeah, I do.

Fair enough.

Fair cop, but I do think that.

Dream drink.

I've stopped drinking for three years, but dream drink, I can have wine.

I could have white wine.

I could have puis fume.

Cold.

Beautiful.

Oh, it's been ages.

I could have a chili marguerite.

I could have everything again.

I could get it all back.

I could have a tequila.

Yes, you could.

Oh, can I?

Yeah, it's been so long, three years.

Wow.

And I'm not going back to it because life is way better.

Yes.

Yeah.

But, you you know obviously i still love it and a pint of lager with my popad on crisp oh my god yeah you know yeah i get i could get really hammered on my deathbed but i have to wait because i'm getting so much more done yeah i'm sleeping well managed to make a film i would never have made that that would have been a dream dinner if i hadn't stopped drinking but now it's a real dinner that film that's that's huge isn't it to say you wouldn't have made the film yeah i don't think i would You would have such long evenings without booze in them.

I mean, the evening, this was a whole workday.

You can send all the emails and make the film happen.

You can fund a film if you're not getting drunk.

And that was,

I look back on that with great relief.

That's very motivating as well.

Yeah, that's great to hear.

Because like, yeah, I mean, I'm trying to stop at the minute.

Are you?

I've done three weeks so far.

Oh, well done.

But like, yeah, that's what I

do feel better.

But then also, like, I'm definitely at that point where I'm just like, I'll think of a drink that I like.

I'll be like, oh, my God.

Yeah.

That tastes so good.

Yeah, it tastes so good.

I'm not drinking a huge amount at the moment.

And I am having, you know, nights at home where I'm not drinking.

And the evenings are definitely longer.

But

I just don't do anything.

It's also really easy.

Just watch a bit of telly.

Yeah, he loves watching tele.

You're right.

I panic.

I get panic attacks watching telly or starting a long show that's a box set or something.

Oh my God.

I really feel like my life is

ebbing away.

Yeah.

I hung a wash up last night.

I was so proud of myself.

What took me four minutes TV on?

No, I paused the TV, went and hung it up, put podcast on while I did the washing.

Yeah.

Because I was like, I'm going to hang this wash up, but I need something going on in the background.

I need something going on.

You need something going on.

So I hit play and I was like, this would be good.

I'll listen to a podcast while I do this.

And I'd really built up to doing this one chore.

So in my head, I think I thought it was going to take maybe two, three hours.

Yeah.

So I hit the podcast.

I hung the washing up.

It was two and a half minutes it took me because I paused the podcast.

So fast.

No, that's a great, that's a great tip.

That's a life hack.

So yeah, I had a busy night last night.

Very busy.

Yeah, that's cool.

I can just about do television if I've got a jigsaw.

I was going to say, who am I?

But I did have a jigsaw.

I put a jigsaw out at Christmas and the cat shattered it and

treated it like a litter box.

And then I didn't know it was like in, wasn't that film with Richard Dreyfus, that one that Spielberg made ages ago?

Close encounters of the first one.

Close encounters.

Why that's coming up in my head?

But

the jigsaw had turned into these sort of pyramids.

Yeah, like his sculpts with a mashed potato.

I thought that, well, he's really done something there with that jigsaw, but I'm really scared to

touch those pyramids.

Yeah, it was bad.

It was bad what he'd done.

So I don't know.

You have to do jigsaws very quick in my house or that will happen.

Yeah.

What if you looked at the shit and you realized that when he like put it all together in that pyramid he's actually done the jigsaw yeah that would be really wonderful he's actually put all the pieces together and made it a 3d little jigsaw yeah it was amazing but he did yeah he did create a landscape from it yeah well i'm sorry to hear that that is pretty bad that that happened what was the jigsaw of what was the picture the jigsaw was moomins

the the finished cartoon yeah the finished cartoon yeah i love that don't know why i think whatever it was specifically would have made me me laugh, but the moon's particularly.

Yeah, that's funny.

Do you like the moon's?

I like them well enough.

Yeah, my son's girlfriend is Finnish, and that's why that was there because I'd bought it for her for Christmas because she's Finnish.

Oh, dear me.

Oh, dear me.

That's such a mum choice.

There you go, you're Finnish.

This is the Moon's.

Well, they did have a t-shirt with Moonmans on it when they came back from Finland.

So, you know, they'd open the door.

They are very proud of the moomins in finland from what i can work out so i think it's a fair enough it's a fair enough gift good i've i've been i've spent all of one day in finland and i was given a moomins mug by someone as a gift so they you know it's okay then yeah all right good they know it's their royal family the moon's yeah my cat doesn't know that yeah it is they sweep all the you know all the bad stuff about the moomins under the rug and try and try and ignore it you know one of the moons swears it can't sweat yeah

one of the moons had the other other one killed in a car crush.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that's a that's a grizzly episode.

Grizzly.

I actually don't realize I don't know anything about the moomins.

They could like are they talking?

Oh, yeah.

One of them doesn't stop talking to the press about how him and his wife have been treated and everyone's like, shut up.

They got a Spotify deal.

Yeah, they're like, shut up, guys.

If you don't like the limelight so much, why don't you just shut up?

That's what people say to them.

It's not fair.

Yeah.

Your dream drink

is

the wine?

The wine.

Is all the booze.

What kind of wine?

All the booze.

It's another horrible broccoli ram.

It's a hard one to say without sounding like a tosser.

Puy fume.

Pui fume.

It's the puy.

Pui.

Pui.

Yeah.

Pui.

Pui fume.

Pui fume.

I'm saying you called the ginsaw after your cat got to it.

That works.

That does work.

Yeah, pui fume.

Oh, Christ.

Hello.

It's really some

terrible ingredients.

So.

Okay.

We'll throw in a spicy margarita as well.

Yes, please.

I have a pint of chili margarita.

A chili margarita.

Chilies in it.

Yeah.

Beautiful.

And coriander in it.

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

Lovely.

And also a pint of lager with your bag of crisps from the Dirty Duty.

Yes.

So I can pop it on crisps.

And espresso martini.

I mean, there are so many good drinks.

Yeah.

There are.

So what?

The more drinks you list, the more impressive it is that you haven't drunk for three years.

It's very impressive.

There are so many lovely ones.

Yeah.

I know.

I have zero beer now.

I have zero beer after the show because it sort of helps a little bit.

Is there a good one?

Have you found a good one?

What's your favourite?

The Heineken one's good.

This is what everyone says.

All right, as well.

Everyone says the Heineken one's the best.

Yes.

If it's really cold and someone's put it in a glass and you sip it, you can sometimes go, oh God, was that real?

You just had to wipe your mouth then.

You sounded like worried as well.

You sort of went, oh God, is that real?

Well, I am.

Do you want to trick yourself?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I've broken it.

Do you have nightmares about breaking your three-year stint?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd actually killed someone.

I woke up and I killed someone.

I was like, this is so much work to cover this up.

And then it was because I was drunk and I'd let it happen or I'd deliberately done it.

Yeah.

And that was such a joy to wake up from that and go, oh, I don't have to.

It's the best.

Just to be clear, your main...

Worry when you had killed someone was that it would be a lot of work to cover it up.

Big chunk.

And that you'd broken your three-year stint.

It wasn't, oh my fucking God, I've killed someone.

Well, the person that I'd killed was dangerous.

Who was it?

A dangerous person.

I can't tell, I can't remember who it was, but they were malevolent.

And it had to be done.

Yes.

But not everyone knew how malevolent they were.

And it was a big story.

It was going to be a big thing.

These are the traces I have of it in my mind.

I've been trying to remember my dreams more since David Lynch died

because the thread is he was into transcendental meditation and all of that.

So I had a little bit of a go at that.

And

there's another region where it gets a little bit dreamy and you can start to actually tap into remembering.

And I have been remembering my dreams a lot more since then.

That's pretty cool.

And I did some meditating on the way here.

And the taxi driver had the radio on, and it was so noisy and irritating and infiltrating that I put my headphones in and put some strong Tibetan music humming sonorous notes in.

I came in here and it was still going in my pocket and James said,

what's playing on your phone?

There we go.

I needed to want to

divulge.

And I was like, what's up with your phone?

No.

I don't want to divulge that I've been transcendental meditating yet.

I'm too new to it and it sounds too weird.

But it's David Lynch's fault.

I've been on a deep David Lynch dive for the last couple weeks.

Have you done the paid bit at the beginning?

No, I did the introductory course.

And actually the woman was like 20 minutes late and not very apologetic.

And then she went up to the desk and said, has there been a delivery for me?

And is the photocopier working?

Is the fax working?

And I thought,

this doesn't bode well

for reaching enlightenment.

you've got to be mindful throughout all of you i know i did think she's obviously she's very chill she's not in any rush

favorite david david lynch uh film before we erase her head is amazing

i love that one the puppet and that is amazing have you seen that ducky ducky

acid

We arrive at your dream dessert.

Yes.

I lower the tone here.

I was just thinking what would be fun.

and i we back in the 1980s when sugar was just i don't know everyone having it was a great fine thing to have a pile of sugar on a weetabix so it's like a snowy mountain with the milk on it that'd be a dessert amazing that's fair enough i love i love stuff i mean i i i used to do that as well that's very nostalgic pile of sugar yeah I used to go it has to be a heap so I can see it yeah bananas as well no that's nowadays.

Nowadays, I'm

a goddamn grown-up and I put sliced up some bananas on my way to Bix.

But back then,

I was just heaping on that sugar.

Is it something you actually do now, but you know your dentist is listening?

Please.

How high is this pile of sugar?

I want to.

I think it's about as high as, you know, your thumb, that kind of height.

It's like a

high as my thumb or James's thumb, because James got a really long thumb.

No, not up the way, across the way.

You lie your thumb laterally along the weaker bits.

Oh, just the.

So actually, not as long as your thumb, as wide as your thicker.

Because when you add the milk, it's going to pour away.

So maybe a little bit more.

So it ends up about this.

Yeah, I can relate to that.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, this is funny.

I've been measuring things.

My metrics are weird today.

With a pistachio nut changing.

We're mainly measuring stuff by like bits of our body.

What we have, yeah, yeah.

You're looking at us and going.

Yeah.

So how many wheater bits?

One, actually.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Fancy.

Are we the mission started resting?

I'll tell you why, because my bowl is a little bit small in this dream.

And there isn't room for two lying flat.

One would be upright and you wouldn't get the sugar

even.

Yeah.

So we've got to have just one.

But you could have another one afterwards.

So you want if it wasn't enough.

Sorry?

You want the sugar on the flat side.

I want it flat.

I used to line them up, you know, like on, like, you know, whatever.

Like toasts in the toast.

Like toast in the toast.

I'd get about four, and then I'd put the sugar on top of those.

On the side.

On the side.

On the sides of them.

On the huh?

Yeah, on the sides of them.

Yeah.

Which are all lined up to make one surface now.

But then you're only getting the sugar on a little bit, right?

So you're not.

Yeah.

I agree with Nina that you need to get as much surface area of the sugar as possible, right?

So it would be the flats.

I mean, you know, I'm learning it.

We're all learning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, but I've never done that, done it like that.

I like that in your dream the bowl is small and you're not willing to change that.

Sorry, that's how it comes.

Yeah.

That's how it comes.

Otherwise, it's a white bowl,

a two Weetabix white bowl.

It's one of those kind of

bowls.

Like a lasagna dish.

Yeah, we're getting into that.

We don't want to get into that.

No, no.

Thank you.

Much milk in there?

Much milk.

Much milk?

Enough milk, yeah.

There'll be a little bit.

What what body part will this do?

An ears,

side-on ears worth of milk on the bottom of the.

Mine or James's I've got quite small ears.

Yeah, he's got a little top.

I guess they're the same thickness, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah, same, same thickness.

That's why yours looks so weird.

Yeah.

These are such gross metrics, I'm sorry.

What sort of milk?

What sort of milk?

I think it'll be whole.

I've gone oat recently, but it's got to be whole milk for that

back in the 80s.

Well, you're already shit face.

You may as well have a whole milk at this point, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

Put your espresso martini with this.

Yeah.

What's the milkiest cocktail there is?

Oh, it could be pina colada, white rush and mudslide.

Mudslide Weeta picks.

Mudslide Weeta Pix sounds amazing.

Yeah, that was my best friend at school.

Little kid called Mudslide Weeta Pix.

Don't know how I got that name.

To say that jigsaw is never going to be recovered.

That's the way that he got involved.

That sounds great.

I really like this.

You're not warming it up in the microwave.

Some people warm up their wheat abs in the microwave.

I think that's sacrilegious.

No, I think that's sacrilegious.

It would have to be cold milk.

Yeah.

The frosty.

For the snow theme, is this snow-capped mountain?

This wheat of banks.

Is this your favourite cereal as well?

Is this the king of cereals, wheat abigs?

No, I think I would go for a sugar puff or a frosty if I'm allowed.

I don't have it these days.

This is like just a kid's

thing.

yeah well i have a very mature porridge you know it's made with water and salt yeah and the weird way my my dad always ate it was with a separate bowl for the milk and then you've got the salt porridge water in one bowl and you take the hot porridge and you dip that into the cold milk

so that the milk's still cold around the spoon and you got hot and cold in your mouth at the same time you would never pour the milk on the porridge Wow, I like this.

So the milk's always cold.

It's always really cold.

The porridge is hot.

That's a good system.

And it's still like almost at pottage.

It's not like...

What do you mean on porridge?

Just trying to think about what the pot looks like.

Yeah, it's actually on the kind of watery side.

And it's in a bowl far away from you because you have to start with that, then the milk.

So the milk doesn't have long to travel to the mouth.

You see what I mean?

Oh, so the porridge is furthest away.

It comes on the journey.

Into the cold milk

quick because you've got to keep those temperatures separate.

I love it.

Yeah.

Very specific.

Lined Lined up like that.

That's unusual, isn't it?

It's unusual.

There are things that he does that now I realise are unusual.

There's also the way he makes toast is he then flaps it like with long arms like he's bringing a plane in.

And that's because you have to cool it down or the butter will melt.

onto the toast.

He doesn't want the butter to melt.

No, no, there's very specific temperatures.

But I've inherited these things now because I think that's how it's done, you know.

So you do that with the toast?

I do.

I flap my toast a bit.

When was the first time you realized that toast flapping wasn't normal?

I think I just one day looked at him and thought, that's you look like you're flying and that's really unusual.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe I was about 35.

Okay, I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

You would like sparkling water, painfully sparkling water.

You would like a packet of poppin' on crisps from the dirty duck pub with a pint of lager.

Start you want a pistachio nut tree.

Main course, your dad's spaghetti pomodoro.

Side dish of broccoli rab

from Di Paolo's in New York.

For drink you would like uh

hmm.

Now I knew as we were saying this earlier, you're not gonna remember how to say this James.

Puili, puley.

You know to say the L's, man.

Pui?

Think of the jig sauce.

Pui, fume.

Think of the jig sauce.

White wine.

You also want a chili margarita at some point and an espresso martini at some point.

Dessert, a pile of sugar on a single flat wheat bix with an ear's thickness of milk,

and maybe a mud slide on the side.

Beautiful.

I love it.

That was a delicious menu.

Thank you.

I'm so glad you liked it.

I think it's very nice.

Great.

I want some spaghetti pomodoro now.

I want some wheatabix.

Spaghetti is great without anything on it.

Spaghetti is great.

Even like just hard spaghetti, would you eat that?

I would.

I'd give it a go.

You can can do that.

Yeah, yeah.

There's some people who do it.

I put one in my ear once.

What?

Oh, no.

Yeah.

A hard one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Touch my own brain.

Ah.

You didn't touch his own brain.

I swear down I touched my brain.

You didn't touch your own brain.

I swear down.

I planted seeds up my nose when I was a kid.

You planted seeds up your nose.

Yeah, and it was such a bad idea.

Then you couldn't get them out.

And then it just, like, thank God they didn't grow because they might have.

That might be the right environment for them.

Yeah.

You were trying to grow seeds.

That was the the aim.

What was the aim?

It was very, I hadn't thought it through.

You stuffed them up there, wanting to.

I thought that might grow up there.

Do you remember what they were?

What you were growing?

They were tiny, and I think they came out of a poppy.

Poppy seeds.

Yeah.

Imagine if that on Remembrance Sunday, just pulled a poppy out your nose.

That'd be the new standard then.

Yeah.

Every year people are going, why aren't you growing a poppy out your nose?

Yeah, if you don't pull the poppy out your nose, you don't care about the fallen.

Nina, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Thank you, Nina.

Thank you for me.

Thank you.

There we are, James.

What a great menu.

I love the menu.

I love the tree.

I really want to try those pistachios now.

It sounds like another world.

A completely different thing.

Huh?

Try the tree.

I'm not going to try the tree.

What?

Take a bite out of the tree?

Well,

no, you take the nut off the tree, right?

You take the nerd off the tree, put the nerd in your mouth.

Talking of nuts.

Yeah.

They weren't monkey nuts, luckily.

We were skating on thin ice there.

Yeah, we were.

But they weren't monkey nuts, so it's okay.

Yes.

We didn't kick Nina out of the restaurant, but like, but yeah, there were some pistachio nuts in early doors.

Yes.

That could have been out during the starter.

Which I wouldn't have liked that.

I wouldn't have felt good about it.

Although then we could have switched it up.

Monkey could have come on.

Do you know what we could have done though?

Yeah.

Like, there's nothing that says we can't do that.

Yes.

Oh, that would have been good.

I really wish we'd kicked her out.

Yeah.

Too late.

That would have been funny.

But it was funny as it was.

Let's face it.

I had a good time.

Very, very good episode.

Go and see Nina on Tour.

Whose face is it anyway?

It's been extended into the autumn.

Go and check out the dates at ninaontour.com and get yourself a ticket for shows near you.

Yeah, for shows near you.

Ed, do you have anything to say?

I know that it's been a tough week.

Benett has been fucking up.

He's been fucking up all week.

He's fucked up a lot this week.

It was a real shame.

He was supposed to send us Sunlight, the film that Nina, the Fiend has made.

He fucked that up.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again next time.

Bye-bye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims.

And he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.