Greg James

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the the off-menu podcast, taking the Mars ice cream out of the freezer of humor, leaving it on the kitchen side of friendship, unwrapping it, tucking in for a lovely podcast ice cream bar, James.

The perfect way to enjoy...

We're not advertising them.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together, we own a dream restaurant.

And every single week, we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever started make dessert, sidish, and drink, I believe.

I believe it's.

Not in that order.

No.

And this week, our guest is...

Greg James.

Greg James, of course, the host of the Radio One breakfast show, James.

Yeah.

A consumer broadcaster, a wonderful man, handsome as you like.

And definitely destined to be a national treasure.

Oh, he's well on his way to Nash Treasure States.

You know, a young man, but you can already tell.

He's going to go down in history as one of our most cherished broadcasters.

Absolutely.

Very much looking forward to speaking to Greg about his dream menu.

I'm a big fan of Greg's.

He's also got a book out, James.

He has.

All the best for the future, it's called.

Growing up without growing old.

Yes, it looks great.

Looks absolutely fantastic.

Stories from Greg's life.

Yes.

And he's going on a book tour.

I believe he's on the book tour currently.

And if you live in Glasgow or Leeds, you still have a chance to go.

But you've got to be to see the Glasgow show.

If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, it is tonight.

So if there is any tickets remaining, you should go.

But if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he's out of here.

Sorry.

And today, the secret ingredient for Greg James is Run a Duck.

Run a duck.

Because of the Longboy saga, Longboy was a duck that Greg was obsessed with.

A lot of people were.

Loved Longboy.

Loved Longboy the Duck who was at York University.

He used to live on the grounds of York University.

It went missing, presumed dead.

Then I ate Run a Duck on Great British Menu, and Greg decided I'd eaten Longboy, and there was a huge scandal.

That might come up on the podcast.

Might come up if we talk about it.

Yeah.

We don't chuck him him out.

But if he chooses Runner Duck, it's on the menu.

Which would be hypocritical beyond belief.

It'd be insane.

Yeah.

If Greg ate Runner Duck and wasn't just thinking about Longboy the whole time,

feeling bad.

You might as well be eating Longboy.

So exactly.

So he might say it.

He might not.

I'm going to say, hopefully, he doesn't say it, but it'd be funny to kick Greg out.

Especially for that deserved.

Yeah.

It'll be deserved.

I don't think anyone would be against that.

This is the off-menu menu of Greg James.

Welcome Greg to the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks so much.

Welcome, Greg, James, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Well, it's very difficult to get a table.

Yes.

It's a real pleasure to be here.

Just to pull some strings to get a table?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just drop the name.

Yeah.

Drop the name.

Your own name?

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

But I walked into this room and I said to James, do people go, oh, the guy's different in real life it's nice in here and he went no

no

you must get this a lot but it's crazy to see this for the first time

why not well he's ungrateful bastards yeah I know we got I guess because I'm looking at the audio setup yeah oh yeah of course because you're the cameras you're an audio nerd I'm an audio guy because you spend pretty much every day of your life in a radio studio that is true yeah when you go into other studios you must be like this is different I think I've done radio for longer than I haven't wow but i guess you have with comedy right because when did you start doing sort of when i was 23 so yeah i'm not i'm not there yet i've been doing 17 years yeah i'm not there we look good on it thank you yeah great thank you greg yeah i'm not there yet but growing up without growing old you could say hey that's good that's good yeah that's the the subtitle of your book it's the subtitle yeah yeah it's the subtitle i wasn't gonna get all the best for the future in there early on yeah you can't say that is the first thing you say to someone anyway all the best for the future thank you well all the best for the future to you both

you've done a book i have it's called all the best for the future do you know who came up with the title go on paul and barry chuckle

i'm reading a little blurb and i did i did know that and i think it's probably the funniest starting point for a book that i've ever read please tell the story well i don't know what your chuckle brothers sort of

cultural touch points are.

Were you into them?

Did you rush home and watch Chucklevision?

Constantly, love them, still think about them to this day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I think that's set us all, a certain generation set us all on a path of going, oh, maybe you could just mess around forever

and just do that sort of job.

And do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking.

Well, not specifically the narrative of the show.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

Not the actual stories in the show, but the actual.

I talk about the actual people.

I'm talking about the actual people, yeah.

I'm not talking about their personas.

I'm talking about

the real people.

Because you know that that boss was an actor.

Yeah.

And do you know who the boss was?

I don't know.

Their half-brother.

So there were two people who were always the boss.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mr.

No Slacken, and I think I can't remember what the other catchphrase was there.

Mr.

No Slacking.

Mr.

No Slacken.

They were the half-brothers of the Chuckle Brothers.

They were both their half-brothers.

Yes.

And the catchphrase was?

No Slacken.

No.

No slacking.

And they were the half-chuckle brothers.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's like a showbiz family.

I think the...

Half-Chuckle.

Yeah.

Nearly there.

Yeah.

He nearly got it.

Yeah.

I'd watch a separate show, a spin-off show that's called The Half-Chuckle Brothers.

Yeah.

And that's just the two half-brothers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Knocking around.

so him and barry when i was 10 i went to go and see the chuckle brothers with my nan at weymouth pavilion amazing great venue yeah have you done stand-up there once yeah it's a great venue but nelton was in the main room oh really okay good luck to him one day you're all the best for the future

uh

all your best for the for the future and your quest of the main room at the way

but it's um uh it was a signing they did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and it was and he wrote to gregory all the best for the future which i was so excited about because I was there in my shell suit you know with all the other kids being like oh my god it's the it's the guys off the telly this is the these are the best guys and when we walked away and my nan was like let's have a look at that she'd see that and go why did they write all the best for the future that's just strange thing to say to a kid but it is quite strange but i quite like i like that they wrote that and i've always remembered it and i just thought that's quite a good starting point for the book so i start as a 10 10 year old me yeah and i sort of imagine what my future life could be like so it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and sort of gripes about the world and a reminder, hopefully, to stay true to your 10-year-old self.

Because it's probably the stuff you love when you were 10 is probably the stuff you've kind of like now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To a certain extent.

To a certain extent.

Jack of Bubbas.

Chucker Bubbas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll watch it.

I'll watch it when I get home after this.

I mean, look, you know.

Definitely, I've made a living off of coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much I love ice cream.

There you go.

That was me as a 10-year-old.

It's not changed at all.

If anything, it's got even more intense.

Yes.

You still love wrestling?

Still love wrestling?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm regressing, basically.

I think that's fine.

I think you can regress as you get older, but you've just got, because maybe it's even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well.

As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well.

You do have to do both.

You've got to do the taxes and watch Chuckle Brothers.

Yeah, otherwise your life sort of falls apart.

Yeah.

And then you all just sat home watching Chuckle Brothers.

Then you're a genuine Chuckle Brother, because like within the script of the show, I don't think those guys were doing their taxes.

No, no way, though.

No.

That feels like a sort of after-hours sort of a grown-up version of it where they didn't.

It's like an HMRC infomercial.

It's like it's January 30th.

It's five to midnight.

And they're just pushing the HMRC form from one to the other, going to me, to you.

And then they would get investigated at some point.

Yeah.

And they sit down with them and go, okay, listen, you've had a series of jobs, each lasting less than a day from what we can see.

Do you want to explain this one at the marble factory?

How were you paid?

It is cash in hand, isn't it?

Right.

It's got to be cash in hand.

He's repeatedly one of two bosses.

Can you explain that?

And they're your brothers.

Multiple jobs.

You have about 365 jobs a year.

Two bosses.

Who are you in all these businesses?

We were investigating them as well.

You better believe that we are.

Don't look at him.

Answer the question.

Put the ladder down.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

No, clean the windows in a minute.

This is serious.

Stop saying, oh, no.

Be careful of that, but that bucket of slime.

Okay.

When you tell that story, as someone, you must now sign autographs of people.

I do.

Doing this book,

you're going to be signing books, going to book signings.

Yeah.

All the best.

Fair enough.

All the best for the future.

Yeah.

Nine is a weird thing to say to a kid.

I'd say if you're doing loads of signings, I would just write all the best and leave it in that.

to write.

I wouldn't want to double my word count there.

Yeah.

All the best for the future.

Which maybe shows that they really did care.

Well, I guess so.

Or, I mean, I interviewed Paul.

There's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book.

It's quite a sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in 30 years.

And I said, why do you, did you do this for all the kids?

And he went, no.

I don't know why I'd even say that.

And I went,

what do you think?

He went, well, he must have said something.

You blame me.

And I said, well, maybe I said, maybe I want to be like beyond telly one day.

So I think that's maybe what it was.

Because he said he would normally just do to me to you.

Of course.

So I don't know.

I think it might be a one-of-one.

I think it's a unique.

This is incredible.

Yeah.

It might be.

Anyone reached out since the...

No.

Could just be you.

All the best for the future.

I think it's it.

Yeah.

I think it might be.

Well, look,

this is it.

If there is somebody who's also gotten all the best for the future, Chuck Rutta's autograph.

Yeah.

Are you going to be signing it thus when you're doing these books?

I think I'm going to have to.

You have to.

I think there's so many when you're signing books.

Can you just write C cover?

Well, some of them you get a

greeting on the front.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you have to do quite a few pre-signed ones.

Yeah, just when they send you the pages.

Five, you're just like, thanks for buying that book.

Love you.

All the best for the future.

Seventh onwards, it's just G kiss.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You get, you do mean them all.

I mean it.

Mean every single one.

Every single one.

G kiss.

G kiss.

Who was it who who got in trouble recently for the signbook was literally just they put a dot in him.

It was just like

just a dot.

Yeah, it was like they got

obviously they had to do thousands and then they're literally just doing like a dash or a dot.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so nice about it because it's been handled by the star though, isn't it?

Even that book, even though it's a dot from Bob Dylan, it's been handled by

Dylan's that level where I would accept it if it was just a dot.

You're not accepting a dot from me.

And you shouldn't.

Yeah, I will.

Bob Dylan, I don't know if it was him, but the way he does his songs now is basically a dot version of the songs.

It is.

I took my dad to see Bob Dylan at the Albert Hall.

Yeah.

My dad's got quite bad sight,

which was good because Bob Dylan was basically standing in the dark.

My dad was going, what's he doing now?

Even I don't know.

I couldn't tell you.

I'm not sure.

And so he sort of shuffles around like you're just watching them jamming.

Yeah.

He doesn't even say hello.

yeah he doesn't even address the crowd which i really respect because it's yeah you know a lot of it is you know hey guys i said everyone's together and get your hands in the air and but bob's like i actually would rather you all just fucked up yeah yeah and just let leave leave us to it really but thanks for your 250 quid yeah bob dylan i'm not buying that from him if he came out and when guys we're all together it's amazing how you feeling lunch it's like yeah come on it's not yeah it's not chris martin get your wristbands up yeah yeah let's go i haven't been buying from him really

when chris chris martin's doing all that i'm like pull the other one you know you're really

do you think yeah i'm like shut up is the truth somewhere between bob and chris yeah

i think you know they do appreciate being there but also they're at work yeah uh and uh and actually

why they really got into the industry is because of their love of playing music so they'd rather just get on with that not shout out to everyone of look around you and how amazing this is and we're all here yeah chris martin absolutely if he ever comes on this podcast i'll say it'll say you say it to his face yeah i'll say it to his face well there's a thing where where you do a stadium show you get to that level because it's this and it's basically the same show every night yeah and there's a bit in the taylor swift show where she cries but it looked like yeah i wonder if she cried every night almost certainly that's the thing

like and on the auto queue this is the bit like turn the waterworks on because this is the bit I did every night i saw it at glastonary with dolly parton she could i was watching it from the side of the stage and she was she has like a teleprompter with her like anecdotes and stuff.

Oh, yeah,

amazing, yeah.

Well, but it makes she makes it sound

real.

It's great.

There's a clip of Brian Wilson.

Obviously, yeah, fair enough in his later days.

He was just having it all on the teleprompter auto-cue thing.

And there's a bit on one of the live recordings, and he's clearly reading it.

And he goes, between songs, goes, Woo!

And then, and then dead serious, and then woo.

He does that, it's really on the thing to say woo.

And he does it for the whole time it's on the screen, and then he pauses and waits seriously, and then he does it again.

Like a little karaoke ball on each word, yeah, yeah,

the words being coloured in as it goes along, and he's like, Right, cool, and now I'm doing God only knows.

Yeah, but by that point, I guess it sort of does become karaoke, yeah, for those legendary artists.

They sort of are just doing karaoke, and worse versions, yeah, yeah, exactly.

It sounds like a midi file,

yeah.

I bet everyone, I bet Taylor Swift does do that cry every night at the same time.

And I bet everyone who's part of her crew and working on that show absolutely hates her for it.

For that one bit.

They might like

Taylor Swift.

A lot of the things you said in the last 10 minutes are saying more about you than they are about.

Listen, if I was part of that crew, every time she cried every night, I would turn to someone and go, fucking sociopath.

Yeah,

look at this absolute sociopath we're working for.

She's crying.

fake every night, but she can make herself do it to all these people.

I remember earlier on when she just told you to get her a coffee, remember that shit?

Right.

I'll be like,

but you're imagining you working on a taylorsworth stadium show yeah and i'll be annoyed because i'll be like but you're not passing the vetting process yeah you you're not you're not getting that job because you're getting through i i'll get i'll get you're not getting that job i've had lots of experience in life

to get a job on the taylors with stadium show is the chuckle brothers

excuse me do not let them hang those lights up yeah they are they are killing crowd members that's it they wouldn't ever approve of it either it'd be me and the chuckles side of stage going in and going here come the water works

there they are got going with the mug right on cue.

Go on, Barry.

Clean it up.

Oh, he slipped on a roof.

Paul, go and get him.

Although, against my better judgment, go and get him, Paul.

Oh, Paul slipped over.

There we go.

He's pulled him over.

Okay, I'm going in.

I'll try and keep my opinions to myself when I'm out there.

But

stupid gadget the way you're sociopath.

I've got to pick up the chuggles again.

Still a sparkling water, Greg James.

It's still.

Yeah.

And it is tap.

Okay.

It is tap.

I feel like I'm a chugger.

I'm a water.

I'm very well hydrated.

I feel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you a chugger with all drinks?

Because I'm a gulper.

James will tell you that.

Big golf.

I'm quite a gulper, yeah, but it's the water thing.

I don't know what it is, but during the show, I get through a lot.

I've got sort of an army-issue flagon that I take with me.

to the front line, which is the radio and breakfast show.

Like fending off all the pop hits, crying pop stars.

But it's tap for me, and it's a lot of it.

And that's it.

But I do think there's, and I did want to discuss this with you actually quite seriously.

Please.

I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkly and you say actually, because you all go, actually, tap is fine.

Yeah.

But tap's always fine.

But they make you feel like a third-class citizen.

They make you feel pathetic saying it.

They make you feel like you're saying, oh, I don't deserve the other things.

Yeah.

Tap for me, please.

Yeah, I really like it when they include it in the options.

but when they don't and they make you say it yeah they should include it in the options they should that's the best option i think the worst case scenario is them coming up looking at you and going tap yeah that is bad yeah yeah still sparkling or probably tap probably you're a tap for you isn't it you're a tap guy yeah just out of your hands

but it's i had um i don't want to show off but i had turkish eggs before i came here oh wow wow around the corner big name drop and they had and they did the still or sparkling i was like this is a good warm-up yeah to go and do so i felt like i felt ready no one's ever done gone method before it was a really good warm-up this guy yeah because also he said i said to him tap's fine and he replied and this has never happened before he replied with even our tap water is filtered so there's a one pound surcharge wow interest never heard of that before no i think that's absolute yeah and i went oh and then he before i could answer he went it goes to charity oh yeah they got you he's got you well i didn't want to pry any more i should have asked that sounds like he riffed riffed that on the spot.

He could tell you have a problem.

It goes to charity.

And he's gone back in the kitchen and gone, I've just told that guy out there that

the water money goes to charity.

What?

Why'd you do that for your fucking idiot?

What are we doing?

Do we donate it to charity?

No, of course we're not going to fucking donate it to charity.

It's for us.

We're a Turkish egg business.

We're doing fucking appallingly.

A Turkish egg business.

We can't afford to give money to charity.

But he got a restaurant in London for Christ's sake.

He was ready with it.

He was ready with it.

It goes to charity.

He's obviously had that church a lot where people have been awkward about the £1 surcharge for Sapwater.

Prove it.

Show me the papers.

Prove the paper trail.

Get the Chuckle Brothers tax guys back in.

The same people.

One, the same people who audited the Chuckle Brothers.

I'm not going to believe it.

First time I ever interacted with you was in a restaurant, but you don't remember it?

I do remember it.

And we're going to say it after three.

One, two, three, Joe and the Juice.

No.

Yeah, it was.

No.

Here it was.

No.

When was it?

No, Joe and the Juice was way later.

Okay.

Wow.

Give me a year.

When was it?

I called Joan the Juice a restaurant.

I would say.

That's my favourite restaurant.

What year was it?

I would say it was 2013.

Really?

Yeah.

Was it a comedy thing?

Yeah.

Was Kearns there?

Yeah.

Cahill?

Yeah.

Hmm.

This checks out.

You can't say this checks out when you've offered all of you.

Also, Greg, I'm going to tell you this.

This is something that I have bought up to you since and you didn't remember.

And now you've forgotten forgotten it again, which I'm loving.

Yeah.

But I'm a nice guy.

Yeah, you're a nice guy and a lot of stuff is going on in your life.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Okay, tell me then.

When was it?

I'd love to see you.

Edinburgh, 2013.

Oh, okay.

At the

City Cafe, I believe.

Right.

What's the one opposite the Tron?

Don't look at me.

I wasn't.

What's the one opposite the Tron?

Yeah, City Tech.

City Cafe.

Do you not remember?

You were there.

You were there with Kearns and Cahill.

I'm sat at the table with Joel Dommitt and David Trent.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

And this was David Trent's idea and it's still one of my favourite things ever.

He said, Kearns is with Craig James.

We didn't know that you went to uni together at the time and all this.

We didn't know that you knew each other.

What the fuck?

And Trent went, let's send them over a bowl of rice.

Okay, I remember that.

So we said to you.

I remember that.

The waitress, can you please send a bowl of rice to that table?

It turned up.

You all looked confused.

And then you looked over at us and the three of us just raised our glasses to you.

Yeah, lovely.

So

that was it, really.

Didn't talk to you.

Yeah, it's such a power move, isn't it?

That's all we did.

It's a good move,

I'm happy about it.

It's a bowl of rice.

Well, thanks for the rice.

So, now I went on your radio show a couple of years later.

Yeah, that had been our only interaction.

So, I thought, obviously, Greg remembers that you bring that up on the radio.

I didn't just bring it up.

I bought with me a box of Uncle Ben's rice.

How do you not remember this?

Slammed it down on the desk, and you were like, What the fuck?

Okay, what's that?

Yeah,

I knew he was a weird guy, but I thought I bought you some rice, and you were like, Okay,

do you want to tell me why?

This is live on the radio.

Do you want to tell me why?

I have to tell that and you're like, oh, okay.

And now again, you forgot again.

And now you're like, Joe and the Juice.

Joe and the Juice, well, I just simply said hello to you on my way out, and that was it.

Yeah, but

you said more than you said with the rice time.

Yeah, sure.

At least you spoke to me this time and it just communicated through rice.

Actually, Joe and the Juice, we haven't really gone over that since because I got the impression that you were actually in more of a...

proper meeting or something than I had anticipated and I'd interrupted it on the way out.

But I remember being happy to see you and I said that nice to let's hang out soon.

Didn't.

No.

I wanted to.

I didn't mean that.

I did mean that.

You didn't mean it.

I meant that.

Didn't feel that you meant it.

I remember leaving thinking, what a professionally nice man.

Well, especially

you said we should hang out soon.

But you're saying you thought that was the first time you met James.

So that's a nice thing.

No, but he had been on my show.

He had been on my show before the Joe and Juice thing, I think.

Yes, I had.

Yeah.

And then there'd be the confusing rice thing on the show.

And then I'd come up up to you and joe the joe and say, hey, baby, so hoping to meet you, get out of here.

I'm so nice to meet you.

Let's hang out.

I should have bought some rice.

Yeah, I've really

considered doing it again.

Considered having like an even bigger thing of rice in this time when you came in.

It was a huge trade.

Kearns is responsible for my first ever shout-out on off-menu.

Yes, we don't remember that, obviously.

Well,

a first ever as well.

So you must have had more.

I think, well, I think it was the first ever.

It's the first one I've heard.

Yeah.

And it was to do with being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla yeah I remember that I just thought that's that's about right

and Kern's there sitting there going he's big time he's not getting he's not going there

was it's Margalies' restaurant

yeah yeah yeah and now I am being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla

yeah yeah

I think just because I've seen you in City Cafe with him it's our first point of reference as someone that John would go to dinner with yeah yeah yeah and because it's a funny pairing because obviously you've known each other for years but for everyone who just knows the two of you separately, it doesn't really make sense that you would hang out.

John was on some of my first Radio One shows.

We got him on to do stuff.

Wow.

It was like agony uncore type stuff.

Amazing.

Yeah.

He used to do loads.

We used to load stuff on student radio together as well.

We would get him to go and do live cinema reviews

in the film.

So that was really...

It's a good idea.

I think it's a good piece of it.

That is a good idea.

I should bring that back.

I do it with John.

Yeah, with John.

Are we kissing now?

Yeah.

That's a big kiss.

Man, I'd love it.

I'd love it.

I think enough of our listeners could bully Radio One into bringing that back.

Yeah, we could do that.

You're okay with us putting on Radio One?

I'm seven years into a breakfast show.

We're low on ideas.

We're low.

I'm doing the rice thing on Monday.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Greg James.

Pop lobs or bread.

I've thought about this a lot, obviously.

It's popped ons.

Lovely.

Great.

And for specific reasons, actually.

I think that Popadoms, the Popadom section of a curry night is the most, is the happiest that you can be at dinner if you're going out.

Because I think there's so much, it's such a lovely moment where you're like, we're so early on into this meal.

It's all potential.

Yeah, but we're getting kind of the best bit now.

This is going to be a brilliant night.

We've got plans later, whatever it is.

We've just got nothing else to do.

It's going to sit here.

But the start is, it's like having...

It's like the greatest hits first in a show, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's like, it's that, you're having, you've got, and this great performance of it as as well is really nice because you've got the carousel of the dips and you've got the i just think that's a nice nice thing to do with your friends so it's poppadoms for me it's why it's why it's even part of our format yeah because of

you feel that don't you i feel that with poppadoms yeah i don't feel it so much of bread when it comes out no even though i've always picked bread on this whenever i've done my own menu but like

it was that thing i remember having a curry in York and being like, this should be part of the podcast, this feeling.

It feels so good.

It's an amazing feeling.

Yeah.

And it's also.

Ben's face.

Absolutely livid that I've told that boring story.

Every time it's boring and goes nowhere.

He's sitting there.

So you're telling me you're in York and you thought this should be part of the podcast?

But you did it episode one.

Yes.

And you definitely made it up on the spot.

And at no point had you planned.

I didn't plan to shout it.

Yeah.

No.

But I knew it was part of the thing.

We'd talked about it.

No, you didn't tell me.

We talked about it in the cafe immediately before.

But I'd have a curry in York the same week.

And I was so happy when the Popadoms came out that I was like, we've got to have this as possible.

This feeling has got to be part of the podcast.

Because I was like, it's three days till we do this podcast.

I haven't really thought it through.

I think we should put this in there as part of the dream meeting.

And it's still there.

And when Greg was describing that, then I was back in that curry house in York.

You rarely talk about the feeling.

It's about the feeling.

It's the feeling.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm more, I'm more, when I go out for dinner, I'm more interested in the feeling than the food.

Okay.

I think so.

I mean, the food has to be decent, but I'm more interested in the whole, the atmosphere.

The pop-up doms sets a great atmosphere.

Yeah, I agree with you.

Sharing immediately there's chat.

Immediately there's someone disagreeing about how you're chopping them, how you're smashing them, what dips you're putting on, which order.

Yeah.

And also, are you dipping into the dip bit or are you spooning onto your own little plate?

That's often an argument.

May I say you've got a spoon?

A lot of people don't.

Yeah, well, those people are fucking gross.

Yeah.

Kearns doesn't.

Well, he dips straight in.

Yeah.

And I bet he's biting a poppadom and then dipping in the bit, the bit side into the communal dip.

But there's friends, we'll all have these people in our lives.

Grossos.

You love them, but you do want to do some damage to them

when they do, they break off a bit.

Yeah.

Dip, dip, scoop.

So

they're doing a mango.

They're doing a like a, you know, whatever the yogurt rater, right?

Yeah.

And then they're scooping a bit of lime.

So they're getting one dip into the other dip into the other bit.

Yeah, it's awful.

It's kind of awful.

Jonathan Edwards, hop, skip, jump.

It's a triple jump.

It's horrible.

Yeah, it's horrible to watch.

It's a lot called hop, skip, jump, man.

Hop skip and jump.

Olympic gold medal hop skip and jumper.

Thank you.

Page commentate in LA, the next Olympics.

That's the hop skip jump.

Do you remember watching that when you were a kid when you broke the record?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

Insane.

Insane television.

Were you dipping it at the same time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No one would care about that now.

No.

But at the time, the world stood still.

Yeah, it's funny, though, isn't it?

But I think people would care about that.

Not in the same way.

If there was a British man who broke the hop, skip, jump record,

everyone would, the world would stand still.

Yeah.

But like later on, people would start chatting about it.

No.

Like

viral.

It would go viral.

It was all that was going on in the world.

That was it.

Edwards had done it, and he did it because he prayed to Jesus and stuff, I think.

I remember my childhood being quite Linford-Christie-based.

Yeah.

It was quite, it was a very, it was a very famous part of our childhood.

He was, he was absolutely huge.

Donald.

People said.

Oh, What a great era.

But Linford, I remember, was about his running, but then a lot of it was about his package.

So you're

in the papers, Linford's Lunchbox.

That's it.

It was Lunchbox, yeah.

Yeah.

What?

That's what you could have called this podcast.

Yeah, we should have called it that.

We could do it as a spin-off, get Linford Christie to host it.

Yeah.

Call it Linford's Lunchbox.

And just be like, what was in your pat lunch at school?

Dream Pat Lunch.

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be good.

Linford's Lunchbox.

Yeah, get Donald as a colleague hosting it.

So she can be the genie.

You don't reference the

never reference that.

Yeah.

Not at the end.

You'll be like, thank you, Linford.

Also, how big you are.

Yeah.

Never.

No.

That can never come up.

No.

What an era.

Amazing era for athletics.

Why are we talking about athletics?

I don't know.

Why are we talking about athletics?

Hopskip jump with the dips.

With the popped up dips, yes.

Because quite naturally, what you talk about with the dips reminded me of the hopskip jump, Jonathan Fairboard's dips.

What's your go-to dips?

What are your favourites?

Rank them for me, Greg.

Well, I do think you need them all yeah i think they all serve a really important purpose and you can't have one without the other really do it like the top but the limes well chart show yeah he wants to do it the limes i have done the chart show before yeah um i actually hated doing the chart show so it lasted about a year um you used to call it the fart show you hated it so much yeah damn right i did yeah that that showed them yeah the official fart you kept company same number one was mango chutney didn't you ruined the whole thing now there was a moment when i decided that i didn't want to do it anymore when ed sheeran managed to hack the chart because they changed the rules or something.

So that the nine out of the top ten were just songs from his album.

Oh my God.

And we just had this meeting with, and I'm like, this doesn't work as a chart anymore.

This is just like someone's hacked it.

And then from that, they changed the...

Anyway, it's too boring.

No, that's not boring.

I'm glad you're calling him out.

We've had him on this podcast.

I'm not calling him out.

I'm not James Acaster calling out Taylor Swift.

Sounds like you are.

Sounds like, to me, like you're calling out Ed Sheeran.

Well, we actually did a helpline during that chart show, which is maybe why the bosses said, maybe move off.

Your heart's not in this anymore.

We got a helpline for people saying, it's too many Ed Sheeran songs.

And actually, it's making people feel quite sad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the chart show is supposed to be uplifting, you know, it's a natural, there's a natural conclusion to it.

And it's.

It used to be exciting to find out who was number one.

Yeah.

It's basically just reordered his album.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In chart form.

Everyone's favourite Ed Sheeran song this week is this one.

Yeah, exactly.

Is it because the street was it because of streaming?

Yeah, streaming and they hadn't changed the rules.

Right.

They left themselves wide open.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Sheeran is always going to take advantage of that.

Yeah.

When he sees an opening and he sees that someone's let their guard down, he's straight in there.

Sorry, I just saw this the other day about Ed Sheeran.

Hasn't he?

He's said he's going to record an album that couldn't only be released after he's dead.

Yes, he has done a posthumous.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

I hope it's like, like, it gets released.

It's just him going, I'm playing with my winkle,

my little tinkle do.

Play him with my winkle.

Truly, truly love it.

Yes, I do.

And it's just just a cappella and him singing.

It clearly is not, he's in the bath.

Jumping into his phone.

Into his phone.

And

he stated, My dying wish is that this is played as the coffin's coming down.

And it gets released and he hacks the chart show.

He's still number one.

He's number one everywhere.

I'm back on the chart show.

That's in the will.

Yeah.

It's one song.

In at number two, is him going,

I'm dead.

Oh, my dear God.

And I'm playing with my winkle.

And I'm looking at the animals in the zoo.

Every song he's playing with his winkle.

Is he at the zoo in that one?

In that one, he's at the zoo and he's dead and he's haunting the zoo, but he's playing with his winkle.

Is it all recorded at London Zoo?

Yeah, every track he's basically just gone around with his phone.

Yeah.

And wherever he is, he's improvising songs, but he keeps on.

Yeah, he's not good at improvising mainly.

He always comes back to his winkle.

He keeps on getting trapped in that.

So yeah, he'll just be like,

in the lift, I'm going to the top floor.

When I'm there, I'm going to play with my winkle.

But he's regressing with that.

My nephew's three.

Yeah.

And

he announces when he thinks it's penis time.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

And you have to be really careful around that because you don't want to shame.

Yeah, of course.

And he's like, is it penis time now?

And you go, oh.

What do you mean by that?

Like, he just sort of pulls on it.

Yeah.

Whenever I think of you, I think of your penis.

Thank you.

I love you naked because you wrote a very lovely article about your partner.

Oh, yeah.

And during it, you said,

just for some levity, you said, and sometimes, just to cheer them up, you helicopter your penis around when you're naked in the bedroom.

Yeah.

And it's just a visual that really stuck in my head.

I'm sorry about that.

And every time today, I've probably thought about it.

In your presence 10 times since I saw you.

I'm so sorry.

And now I will.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for reading the piece, though.

Yeah, it's lovely.

I'm thinking about the piece.

Very nicely written.

That's my main takeaway from it, if I'm honest.

But it was a lovely, lovely.

Yeah, was it when Bella is feeling really sad?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it is funny, though.

Yeah.

I mean, like, my nephew knows that that's sort of funny.

Yeah.

Like, he's sort of

twanging it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's funny to twang it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But nice, nice thing.

But it is penis time.

Is it penis time?

Yes, it is penis time.

In fact, we were leaving the house recently to go out to the playground and he went, okay, great.

I'm going to go and get my penis

and so he's like he's learned this thing he's like i'm gonna go and get it i'm gonna go and get my penis so maybe you never really grow out of that as yeah as a boy but yeah have you ever told him it's not penis time yeah yeah well his his his mum is very like yeah very on that does she have it in her head of when it is penis time and when it isn't in terms of times of the day or is it mainly to do with

an alarm that goes on yeah

i'm assuming if he's asking that regularly at least nine times out of ten it's not penis time yeah yeah yeah penis time was the rejected title for Linford's Lunchbox.

I feel like

it's not penis time more than it is penis time.

That's the general rule of life.

Yeah, I think so.

And the earlier that people with penises learn that, the less.

Yeah, yeah.

I know we didn't rank the dips.

There's no time now.

We've got, we've gotten to the next one.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Just quickly,

at four this week, Writer.

Yes.

At number three.

It's probably the onion-y bit that you're mixed up with.

At number two, it's probably mango.

Yeah.

But two and three can be interchanged and number one it's lime pickle lovely lovely i love that i'll i'll co-sign that top four yeah you like that yeah yeah okay i'll say that's my i put chutney at the bottom and i put onion second and then chutney at the bottom lime pickle first for me onion second is mad you're absolute grand i love i love getting the old folks home and eat your onion onion second

the onion with the with the writer and a bit of lime pickle on it together beautiful you get the crunch of the onion the tang

well again i i correct me if i'm wrong craig but i i i don't believe when you did the chart show you could combine three of the the singles.

No, that's true.

That was number one.

Yeah, it's true.

No, that's true.

Well, maybe it's a feature.

Maybe it's Writer Feet DJ Onion.

Oh, yeah, that's that.

Yeah, that is it.

That is that way of doing it.

You're right.

You're right.

And at number one, it's Writer featuring DJ Onion.

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Dreamstarter.

My Dreamstarter, I've sort of, I think I might have hacked it a little bit here.

Okay.

Because it is bread-based and it's not going to make any sense in terms of the overall meal.

That's fine.

But the genie will grant me whatever I want.

Absolutely.

And doesn't judge.

Nope.

Okay.

But I've been known to.

Yeah, we know.

Taylor Swift.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

It's Marmite cheese

on a crumpet.

There we go.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm in heaven right now.

And I just, and I've thought about it and you can be really, you can be really lofty with this sort of stuff.

And I've heard people on this podcast do really intricate, smart stuff.

but actually when when push comes to shove i think my favorite food might be marmite yeah and so it would be mad not to put it on my dream menu in my dream restaurant yeah absolutely so and i think a crumpet is sort of underrated yeah as a i agree like every time i have a crumpet i think why am i not eating this three times a day i think that's what i think but i think bread i think big bread the big bread corporation relies on that attitude yeah it does because the crumpets they're going guys i'm way better than bread soak up so much more stuff yeah i've got pores yeah This is like bread doesn't really have that.

You might have a whole.

Yeah.

But butter tastes nicer on a crump.

Absolutely.

And butter's already everyone's favorite.

It is.

Life actually would not be worth living without butter.

Yeah.

So it has to be proper, salted, ideally French if it's around.

Like proper, heavy, great cow butter.

Great cow.

Great cow butter.

And then it's lashings of that.

It's marmite on there.

And then you grill the cheese.

You're grilling the cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, there's something, when I'm thinking of Marmite cheese crumpet, there's something I quite like about hot crumpet, butter on, melts, marmite on, and then cold cheddar.

The combination of the

temperature.

It melts a little bit.

It gets a little bit, I mean, hesitate to use the word sweaty, but I think that's what I mean.

Just the combination of the, and maybe like a cheddar that's got those crunchy bits in as well.

Yeah.

You've got texture, you've got temperature.

Yeah.

But grilled, delicious.

I want to say yes, and, and, but it's actually no thanks.

Don't want it.

You don't want it?

It has to be grilled and melted in.

And actually to the point where you've burnt it just enough that the marmite starts to harden.

That's the real bit.

If I could eat that every day, I would.

But I'd die.

How thick or thin is this marmite?

Oh, it's thin.

Thin.

It's thick, sorry.

It's thin.

I don't know why I said thin.

I panicked.

Yeah.

It's thick.

You went with the complete opposite of what you meant.

Yeah.

In opposite world, it's thin.

Yeah.

But in this world, are we in opposite world or real world?

Real world now, yes.

Real world now.

It's thick then.

Yeah.

Opposite world, it's thin, but in real world, it's thick.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And it is oozing.

Yeah.

I don't think you can have enough marmite.

I can spoon it in.

I agree with you.

Do people look at you in absolute disgust when you put marmite on stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I also respect people that don't like it.

Yeah.

Because it is, it's an acquired taste.

Yeah.

Marmite.

It's for the connoisseur.

And if you don't get it, that's fine.

It's just more for me.

I want it to sort of sort of hurt the roof of my mouth.

Definitely.

Yeah.

You need to need that.

like you can get the marmite sweats yeah yeah you can and i've had it yeah and um just makes you feel alive doesn't it marmite and cheese as well those combined very sweaty but really delicious actually do you know what i i don't want too many people to like marmite because i converted my wife into a marmite fan when we met she was like what's this disgusting stuff and now there's never any in the house because she is so on it's so into it you need a private

private marmite stash oh yeah i know you said like you respect people who don't like it i respect their right not to like it and that they don't like it.

I don't respect people who make a big deal out of not liking it and think it's an interesting thing for them to say.

Yeah, it's not.

That annoys me, especially when they say stuff like, I heard someone not even that long ago, I'll say within this calendar year, say quite loudly to their mates, like, well, the thing is with Marmite.

I go, if you fucking say, you either love it or you hate it.

Oh, don't.

You just go home.

Like, why have you left the house?

Yeah.

And they said it as if it was like a really original thing.

And everyone's like, obviously, no one responded to him around the table like it was interesting.

They'd all heard it a billion times.

You know, how is your personality based off of taglines?

Also, that you can't, you shouldn't be using...

I watched that film.

It's a bit Marmite, isn't it?

Yeah.

You shouldn't be using that.

What?

Brilliant.

Do you mean it's a good thing?

Exactly.

Because, you know,

one man's Marmite is another man's.

I don't know.

Dog shit.

Whatever the price is.

That's a new one.

There's a new one for you.

Good one.

People start saying that.

They should start saying Marmite.

That's another man's dog shit.

Yeah.

Huh?

They should say that in the adverts.

Yeah.

Change love it or hate it to one man's Marmite is another man's dog shit.

That

would get them a lot of attention.

Yeah.

There you go.

And I don't think it would put off people who like Marmite.

Yeah.

And the people who don't like it, never going to like it anyway.

Yeah.

You get people talking.

Yeah.

Marmite's supposed to be edgy, aren't you?

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on, guys.

Marmite in a bacon.

Ever had it?

Haven't that's got

it, but have.

I haven't got that much on this pod for a while.

Haven't had it, but would have it.

But the only reason I'm reluctant, because you can imagine tastes, can't you?

Yep.

It's the wonder of the brain.

Yeah, yeah.

Palate.

Yeah.

But I'm imagining for me, it might be double salt.

It is double salt.

But I don't know if in a good way.

In a good way.

With butter in there as well.

With slightly toasted bread.

Spoken like a true diabetic.

It is phenomenal.

Yeah, okay.

So you're butter in any other sauce?

Timan's?

No, I think I've tried...

I've tried putting other misery.

You're putting loads of meso on there.

And soy, soy sauce.

No, it doesn't need any other sauce.

I mean, you could, I guess you could put like a ketchup in there or a sort of sweet chutney or something that might take the edge off the salt.

That's interesting.

But for me, it's double salt.

Is it regularly you're having that?

Not regular.

If I have a bacon sandwich at home,

which isn't regular, I'll pop marmite in.

That's what you're doing.

Yeah.

For years I had bacon and peanut butter sandwiches.

I was eating eating those.

Like Elvis.

Like Elvis.

Just imagining the flavour?

Yeah.

I think that works.

Yeah, yeah.

Would this be a good new segment for your radio show?

Imagine the flavour.

Imagine the flavour.

And people call phone in.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell you something they've eaten.

Then you go, I'm just imagining the flavour.

Okay.

Hello, line one.

Who have we got?

Hello, Ma, Ma.

Oh, my name's Keith.

Huh?

Hey, Keith.

It's when you do your characters.

Hey, my name is Keith.

Hey, Keith.

How are you up to today?

I'm from Bristol.

What do you do for a living, Keith?

Oh, I'm a brookie.

And what are you having for your life?

What's in your lunchbox?

Not that one.

Oh,

no.

Be careful, Greg.

You don't want to get taken off of here.

In my lunchbox today, Greg, is...

Where's he from?

Huh?

Where's he from?

Bristol.

Originally Bristol.

Yeah.

Originally, born and bread.

Greg, in my lunchbox today is a Doritos

and a burger sauce.

Let me just check the flavour on that one.

Imagine it, please.

I'm imagining it now.

Keith, I don't think that works.

Next.

oh good day to you all the best for the future

i think it worked

yeah good new feature i have done worse yeah definitely worse features hey greg all the best for the feature oh yeah thanks yeah that's really nice yeah

dream main course greg My dream main course is...

For the listener, every time Greg has to choose something, he closes his eyes fully i hate it and you squeeze them shut yeah when it's every time you've got to name your next course anything well it's because you're completely eyes shut it's because it's sort of top of the roller coaster yeah and then you're down and you can't take it back yeah and it's out there there's so many options but i've gone for fettuccine alfredo lovely it is lovely but it is quite basic i realize that that is one of the dishes i hear about a lot but i don't actually know what it is well it's very it's nothing it's like it's just it's cheese and pasta.

I think it's what, correct me if I'm wrong, Michael Scott eats before the fun run.

Right, right.

It's been made famous by sort of American stuff.

So it's my American Italian dish.

Yeah.

But I went, me and Bella, my wife, went to Rome for my birthday last year.

And we stumbled across...

Happy birthday, quick.

Well, it was ages ago, but thanks.

Less than a year ago.

Closer to the next one.

So

can I use that for then?

Yeah.

Generally, happy birthday.

Well, for the next one, for that one.

What are you doing for this next one?

Well, I want to go back to Rome.

Okay.

Mainly for this bowl of pasta.

Yeah.

So it changed my life and I don't stop thinking about it, which is why it has to be in the dream restaurant.

And it's the restaurant it's called Alfredo's.

And

we stumbled across it and we just looked at it and went, oh, it looks kind of, well, it looks quite weird.

We'd sort of read something about it as an option.

We were like, oh, let's go there tonight.

And we went in and this huge sort of canteen style Italian, it just looked like, for me, I love the sopranos I love Godfather all that sort of Italian-y mafia-y stuff I'm just into yeah and I all my

no exactly that's why I like it but that's what my dream restaurant is

but the dream restaurant Baddabings the dream restaurant for me is that I walk in and I get treated like Tony Soprano and I've got a special table and I get the double kiss on the cheek with is your dream restaurant in Badder Bings probably not in Badder Bings but we go there after yeah I think we go there after

Bella goes home

and then I go to Badder Bings afterwards.

You and Ed Sheer and he's recording something in the corner.

I'm in Bada Bangs.

I mean my mum.

Oh, here comes security.

Oh, no.

Fellas, let me explain.

I'm in the Hall of Bang.

Sitting on a pile of rubbish.

Oh, an idea just popped into my head.

I'm playing with my winkles, sitting on the rubbish, looking

out.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You

It's Greg's birthday.

He's asking me to turn up.

Sorry.

Sorry.

No, no, no, no.

Went to Alfredo's.

Well, yeah.

So Alfredo's is that sort of place.

On the wall, there are loads of famous people, but like top end famous people, Sophia Loren, Marilyn Monroe, proper old, all the crooners, you've got ex-presidents.

And they've been there.

All been there.

Right.

And they all have been there.

But this place has been going since, like an iteration of it has been going since the late 1800s.

Originally, Alfredo was the guy and it was passed on to his son and then his son.

So now it's like the third or fourth iteration.

It's been there since the 50s, since post-war.

And it's been like it's an institution.

And that is where they invented, he invented Fettuccini Alfredo.

That's mad.

It's not the most adventurous dish, but it's sort of become legendary in popular culture, I guess.

And I was having the actual one in the place and I was sort of, I was a sucker for being, I was being a tourist about it and I loved it.

And they came over and said, join it with Gold Leaf.

I went, yeah.

You did it.

I did it.

It's an extra 10 euro.

I was fleeced.

And adds nothing.

Not really.

Flavour-wise.

But they come over and they do, they

assemble it in front of you.

They bring out a chariot of Fecchini Alfredo and they mix in the butter in front of your eyes.

Oh, that's good.

It's already got butter, cream, pecorino, parmesan.

And they put another load of butter in it.

and they toss it in front of your eyes.

And you're just like, this is...

So that's all it is.

It's cream and cheese, cheese basically and butter and yeah but it's but it's unbelievable yeah and i a cheese-based life is a great life correct and that's that's how i like to live it yeah and there's a guy playing the piano in the background just sort of doing covers it was really nice it was christmas time people started getting up and doing christmas songs i went up and did a song because i'd had a bottle of wine you went and did a song yeah bella sort of said go and do a song i know you want to i went no i don't want to and i just immediately got up and did white christmas white christmas it was the best

white christmas yeah it goes with the pasta it does i was so i was so

heavy when I was seeing it.

It was like burping through White Christmas.

And imagine you've got like an undone bow tie on.

Yeah, yeah.

I've always brought one.

But everyone clapped and said it was the best thing ever because you're the boss.

You're the mafia boss.

They did actually clap, though.

Yeah.

And the waiters came over.

No, they actually claimed.

No, no, no.

I know we're having a laugh, but they did actually clap.

No, I'm not having a laugh.

They clapped.

Yeah.

Yeah, they did.

They did clap.

They're still clapping.

They're probably still talking about that guy that came in.

That sounds delicious.

did bella have the same thing she did yeah but she didn't go for the gold leaf all right fair enough she's weak yeah yeah but yeah it was just it's one of those dishes that i just i think about all the time just when i'm feeling yeah sad but also like you say you're being a tourist about it but really as a tourist you do sometimes know when you've been done yeah and you've been you've fallen into a tourist trick and if you genuinely think about this dish all the time it must have been yeah pretty amazing to the point where i want to go back just for that yeah and bella's like you can't go back just for the dish i went well, can't you?

There's other stuff in Rome, but it's nice to have something guaranteed that you know you're going to love.

There's other stuff, but I think this is the best bit about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Spanish steps, Coliseum.

Nah.

Best Gini Alfredo.

Thank you.

Main thing I learned in Rome was what arena means.

That was it.

And it means...

Sands, sand, sands.

Sands.

When they go to the Coliseum.

Sans, Sans, Sands.

Sand, Sans.

Sands.

The sands.

Or the sands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sands.

Are you saying?

Sands.

What word do you say?

Yeah.

Like sands.

Oh, sand, okay.

Plural sands.

I think sand, I think sand is the plural of sand.

Yeah, but they would say sands, the sands.

We're going to the sands.

Why do you keep saying that?

When they were going to the Coliseum, because the floor of it was sand.

Sandy, right?

So they would say we're going to the sands.

Yeah.

And then that was

I hate Rome now.

Yeah.

I also don't think you learned this.

I did on the on the guided tour.

On the guided tour.

You don't seem sure that you've learned something there.

On the guided tour, they said it.

Yeah.

And then last week, I was in Valencia and there was a hotel nearby called Las Arenas or whatever.

And I was like, that means the sands.

Yeah.

So I retained that.

And you were with your partner, and she went, yeah, I know.

I was there as well.

Yeah, she was.

It was weird telling her that.

She was like, I actually am going to definitely go back to Rome just to do this and have the Alfredo.

Go to the guided tour again.

And when they're about to say that fact, just shout it over them.

The sands.

i mean it's the sands it makes the sands

crazy though the coliseum what a life it is but it's we went we actually went there this time this year for i've been to rome a couple of times but we hadn't done that bit and i thought well i've done the i've done the pasta yeah let's go and do the other basic thing yeah and what i found amazing was the smoking area at the coliseum

that is out there i don't remember this there's like a little there's a sad little smoking bit right down the bottom bit of the coliseum but obviously no roof yeah and like why are you why are you putting everyone Yeah, it just feels pathetic, and it's sort of in a what probably was like a jail bit or a gale, yeah.

And uh, well, they used to keep the tigers and stuff, yeah, but now it's they keep the smokers there, yeah, and so they're all just sitting there sort of behind bars almost, yeah.

And you've got to watch everyone else just going around the top bit, then they release one every now and again to kill a Christian, yeah.

Oh, you've been, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got another bit of my main.

Am I out loud?

Yeah.

That's the genie.

Let's hear it.

That's a full-time.

Also, I wouldn't mind hearing some of these, the honourable munchions, the things that you potentially were going to pick.

Because you were struggling to pick the main.

Well, that's why I've gone for.

You're trying to hack it.

I'm trying to hack it a bit.

Yeah.

Let's hear it.

Okay.

My side, but also part of my main.

You decide, Genie.

I've got two things that I really want on the menu.

Okay.

And I don't know where they go.

Okay.

First one is pizza for the table.

Interesting.

Look, Look, you are absolutely preaching to the converted here because James loves for the table.

I love for the table.

This is Mr.

for the table.

If he was in Chuckle Brothers, that would be his name.

Hello, Mr.

for the table.

I'll be glad to be called that.

Yeah.

Are you doing pizza for the table?

I'll let you do pizza for the table because I think that's a nice is this the sideboard or is this

I'm gonna have to hear who else is at the table.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, it's sort of just me.

Then no.

And you.

Me and you.

Split.

He's working.

I'm working.

I want there to be at least a lot of people.

Bella is fun people.

Bella's there.

Yeah, just before you forget.

Yeah, but yeah, Bella's there.

I've just got good, good mates.

Fun time.

Kearns?

Kearns is there.

Keynes is there eating.

Yeah, Cahill's there.

There you go.

Yeah,

fun people are there.

Bella, Kearns, and Cahill.

It's fun people.

I'll accept that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like John's eating.

What did he order at the Pat Stag?

Heart and lungs.

He's still vomiting about that now.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll go for the offal, Pro.

Heart and lungs.

Yeah, so they're all there.

Okay, yeah.

Pizza for table.

What's on the pizza?

Well, I'm having a bit of a moment with

this.

This might also be quite basic because you're quite forward-thinking with you.

You know, you've tried it all, haven't you?

You two.

I don't know.

You have.

You've been there.

You've been around the block.

It's pepperoni, but with

honey.

The hot honey.

Hot honey.

I've not tried this.

Sounds lovely.

Yeah, it's hot.

Yeah.

I just think it's really great.

I'm sort of against it in principle.

And then whenever I have it, I'm like, it does work, actually.

Spicy honey, like

hot chili honey with pepperoni and just really gooey sort of, ideally it's buffalo mozzarella, king of mozzarellas, I guess.

But actually a classic pizza for the table might just be a margarita with basil and buffalo mozzarella as a sort of palate glass.

So your main thing here is just that you want pizza for the table, not that there's a specific pizza you want to get in your

mind.

When you're younger,

you're taught that it's either pasta or pizza but that's bollocks yeah when you're grown up you can kind of do anything you like yes and i'm having alfredo and i'm having a pizza yeah i think because they go together it feels like that's a main right pasta pizza yeah especially if one of them's to the table and the pizza is sort of um the one that the teenage mutant hero turtles might have had you know like big that big floppy kind of lovely americany pizza gooey and there's like gooey and a bit bit like dripping off the end you got to get it in the mouth quickly otherwise it'll flop i guess that's like formative pizza memories that at home alone i guess yeah which is like

delicious cheese pizza just for me that sort of thing that that pizza so it's that but not the pizza at the beginning of home alone that buzz crams into his mouth which is which is a cheese pizza again because it's kevin's pizza yeah but the way that buzz puts it all his mat is one of the most and then hate buzz buzz gets hit and spews it all up

i hate buzz yeah i know you're supposed to but i'm really hating him i struggle with him because apparently i look like him used to fuck you do yeah yeah yeah so you want pizza for the table

i believe there was another hack coming up well it was it was a yes because i've got to close my eyes again because i'm worried about this because this is this is it this is like definitive i can't go back on this but i also want a secret steak

and a secret steak is a steak that i have away from my wife who is i'm sort of i'm sort of vegetarian by marriage

you've married into vegetarians i have married into vegetarians yeah and i like a the vast majority of it yeah

actually the truth is i i do chicken and fish but red meat i don't really do yeah but i do go and have secret steak bella's not going to listen to this by the way i think that's i'm safe nah what it's a good podcast it's a great podcast but she's not i don't you know she's not going to listen to me

listen to your book your book promo no no exactly i thought i've even forgotten about that book do you listen to her book promo yeah yeah well there you go but she's not like that she's actually you know she's cool she is really cool actually she is cool yeah but she's also vegetarian which has its problems for me because i do like every now and then I do like a steak.

So I'll go out for a secret steak with my cousin.

I like this with your cousin.

You're going to love that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love this with your cousin.

Yeah.

So we go and, in fact, we've put one in for a couple of weeks.

Where do you go for your secret steak?

Well, we like Hawksmore.

Yeah.

We do like Hawksmore.

We do.

We do.

We like Hawks more, actually.

Yes.

Yeah, me and Derek like Hawks more.

My cousin's called Guy.

Does he call you cousin Greg?

Yeah, well, I am his cousin Greg.

And actually, succession was a fucking nightmare for Greg's.

Succession is an absolute.

All the dickheads are Greggs in every show.

Joe Lysett,

in Joe Lysett's last stand-up tour,

the estate agent character, which sets the whole premise up, is called Greg.

And I had to interview him for it with his thing for his DVD thing.

And the first question was, what the fuck?

You could have chosen any other dickhead name.

And he chose Greg.

But it is a great, it's a bad name.

It's a good punchline name.

Well, when I think about it, it doesn't suit you.

Great.

I take that.

I don't want to be it.

It's crazy that you're called Greg.

Stupid.

As I'm thinking about it now.

Why am I?

I think I look at you and I just think James would be your surname.

James would work.

I think if you were called James Gregg, so I'd be like, okay.

There was a James Gregg, works for Five Live.

That's so confusing.

Do you ever get emails?

Are we meant for each other?

I don't read the emails, but

he is sort of my, he's sort of like the evil, my evil twin, I guess.

I'm an evil twin.

I don't know.

Yeah, he's like dark timeline Greg James.

Nice man, though.

Yeah.

Well,

he appears to be a nice man.

But yeah, so I'm cousin Greg, and I go out with cousin Guy for a secret steak.

But what I do like is that Italian, you know, the thinly sliced one with, you put rosemary and salt on it.

Is it like a tagliata?

Tagliata, yeah.

I like that one.

So that would be good.

So it would be a secret steak.

Maybe I have to go out.

out the back to eat it if that's there.

Yeah, yeah, I'll stash it somewhere in the restaurant for you.

Yeah, yeah.

So you can go and get it.

it.

Yeah.

Have little pieces.

Just behind a plant pot.

Speak for a walk around, actually.

I'm just going to stretch the face.

Help yourself to the table, Peter, and I'm going to be back in a sec.

Over by the plant pot.

Yeah, like Mrs.

Doubtfire.

You're like running between tables.

Yeah, exactly.

That's me.

Yeah.

Mrs.

Doubtfire, man.

Have you ever had Fiorentina steak?

What's on that?

So it's like a, I think it's often like a T-bone, but they basically like...

really scorch the outside.

They really go for it.

And it's quite rare in the middle.

And

that's a lovely steak.

that sounds nice there's a restaurant in chelsea called la familia which has like been there for decades which is a good vibe if you're do they greet you with two kisses that sort of place they could do i mean i'd imagine if you if you lent in they'd have obliged you

send guy in first see what happens yeah i want them i think the dream is that i want them to i want people to fear me because they don't yeah but like that in the dream restaurant they they look at me with fear and they're like respect but they know that i could and have killed and you could destroy their business i'm be completely honest with you and I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

Oh god.

There's been many many times we have done over 300 episodes of this podcast where guests have said and I want to utilize the genius magic by doing this and I've always been like yep of course I'm a genie I can do that.

That is the first one you being feared by people that I've thought I don't think that's possible.

I don't think I'm going to be able to make this happen.

And remember he said don't take this the wrong way.

So you're not allowed to.

Yeah.

So like I don't think even using my genie powers i can make a situation where you walk into the restaurant and the guests fear you enough that they want to suck up to you and be nice to you and the proprietor yeah

i can't

even with magic i don't know how i meant to do that okay how about how about you've in the within the dream restaurant world you've started a new feature on the show on your radio show where you absolutely destroy restaurants and it becomes incredibly influential okay and it genuinely has restaurants shut down right which you could do in real life.

You know, you're giving me fire in my belly for this.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got fire in your belly.

Yeah.

Because I would say you're a useless fucking genie.

That's what I would say.

Do you fear me now?

Yeah.

No, I mean, the cameras were filming this.

I was delighted that you said that.

Yeah.

No one's ever said that before.

I was like, yes.

Well, he did it.

He said, he said, useless fucking genie.

He wouldn't even criticise Taylor Swift for crying earlier.

Now I've got him.

You're worse.

He's correct.

I am worse.

Craig might have to interview Taylor Swift.

You can't be agreeing with either.

Yeah.

Yeah, almost certainly.

For the record, I hope this goes on the record.

Yeah.

I think she's great.

He's recording.

So I noticed like you also didn't improvise any Ed Sheeran songs earlier either.

You just let us do that.

No, I didn't either.

It was you talking about Ed Sheeran's winkle for five years.

Don't think I mentioned his winkle at any point.

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Your dream drink.

My dream drink.

It's just a big bottle of red wine.

Yeah, it has to be with this meal.

Washing it all down, just make until I'm sick.

Yeah.

Oh, nice.

It's Barolo.

It's your Brunello's.

It's your Barolos.

Yeah.

It's your Monte Pulcianos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all that stuff.

Oh, yeah.

It's your big, big, beefy Italians.

Yeah.

That's it.

Do you have a specific, a specific one that you like?

Or do you remember the best bottle of wine you've had?

Yeah, there's like just a whatever the most if you're being fancy the most expensive branello you can find in a shop is always just unbelievable yeah it's like this is i have to drink this every day now this is my stuff but you you can't and then you wake up the next morning i can't ever drink this way too heavy yeah i wish so hard that i liked wine

you like wine a bit i like it a bit but not enough to talk about it as regularly as we do on this shit no

i should have picked something else every time it comes up you know yeah you've got to pick your favourite.

Yeah, and I'm glad that you did.

As soon as you said it, I thought, oh, fuck this.

Must have leave.

You're having secret steak.

I'm going to fucking die.

Secret steak, pasta, pizza for the table, those tomatoes and the cheese and everything.

It all just goes, it goes really well, but also really badly.

Yeah.

I mean, you're going to be really feeling that tomorrow.

Yeah.

This is real Gaviscon territory.

Yeah, it really is.

So almost like have it before dinner.

And then one after.

Gaviscon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Swig before.

Yeah.

Tablet halfway through.

Swig at the end.

Secret one in the room.

Do you want me to put a secret one?

Secret Gaviscon.

So Bella doesn't see?

Out in the back.

I look up the back.

You've married into a non-Gaviscon marriage, haven't you?

Yeah.

Famously.

No, definitely not.

She's big Gavascon, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She is.

I think the big difference between your 20s and 30s is there's a lot more Gavascon in the house.

It's kind of the main.

Yeah, we were Renny's household.

You're a Rennie's guy.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm very rarely a Rennie's guy, but my wife is a big Rennie's guy.

Yeah, Bella's more Renny than Gavascon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She is more Renny, actually, come to think of it.

I'm more Gaviscon, max strength.

We're neither, but uh,

great levels of discomfort all the time.

Yeah, I mean, don't know why.

I don't want to paint with broad brushstrokes, but white ladies' stomachs be popping.

You know, there's a lot going on there.

Yeah.

Yeah, fair to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fair to say, maybe that's why Taylor Swift cries every night.

Fair enough.

Is there no wine that you're into, really?

Like, what's the...

It's got to be something.

Well, this is the worst thing.

For doing this podcast and being friends with Ed, every now and again, being treated to a really nice, fancy wine.

And yeah, yeah, I have one of those and go, oh, this is incredible.

And then I discover, oh, the only wine I like is extortionate, like absolutely mad, expensive wine that is literally the best that absolutely everyone who drank it would love it because it's that good.

And anything else, I'm like, this is going to be a trudge to get through this and i have the first sip and go no oh no so you've just got really expensive taste basically got to get through all of this wine and i wish i just ordered a juice or something i wish i just said i got any apple juice or something like that yeah this is going to be difficult what about oh sure there's like a there must be like an orange wine have you tried there yeah orange wines if if there is an orange wine on the menu if all they've got is wine because sometimes that's when they could go here's the wine list and i i go right i'm gonna find the cocktail page

i'm like well that's not in here jesus christ please no please don't say it's just wine and they're like yeah and then i'm immediately looking for the orange wine right and just trying to find orange wines if that's not on there then i'm really the other night i went to a and it was that was the scenario and it looked like it read as it was an orange wine but whatever it was called probably had the word orange in it i was like i'll have that and they were like okay

um

okay they were a little bit confused and they brought it back and they were like there you go i took a sip i was like is that is that sherry have i just ordered they're like yep you got a massive glass of sherry.

And that was very difficult for me all night.

To be fair, a lot of natural wines and orange wines sometimes take on some of the taste properties of sherry, I think.

But this was massive.

Yeah.

It was like a massive glass of sherry.

And I had to tap out and say to them, I'm so sorry, but I'm not.

I love sherry.

There's no way I can finish this sherry.

It's

a sherry.

I can do a little sherry.

A sherry, I'm not really.

It's just very my nan and it was very.

But sherry's cool now.

But is it cool?

Yeah, because sherry's cool.

Well, my nan was cool.

Yeah.

I mean, she was sort of, she was a mad little Welsh lady just just the only drink she had i mean if she did off menu which would be insane because she's dead and would never have wanted to do it anyway but if she does come on well she's not a podcast

why don't you just say why don't you just say

yeah she said so that would be mad and also it's mad because we wouldn't just have someone's nan on right those are the two mad how many nans it doesn't have to be that she wouldn't have done it

how many people's nans have you had on how many nans we must have had someone's nan oh as many as we've asked i'd say yeah

how many have you asked zero Right.

We wouldn't have asked your fucking Nan, is what we're saying to you.

She'd make it out like she would turn us down.

She would.

She wouldn't do it anyway.

But her whole menu would be Sherry.

I didn't really see her eat food.

Yeah, yeah.

And or drink anything else.

It was just sherry.

Yeah.

She would just drink little, just little glass of sherry.

But she'd be like, well, let's have a little one.

But it was like 15 little ones.

Yeah, yeah.

So it was the end of the, and it would always be, is it Bristol cream?

Is that what

when Nan was coming over, it would be like, oh, my mum would say to her, go out and you better go and get some Bristol cream for Nan.

I was like, maybe I should get into Sherry, runs in the family, maybe.

That's what I should have had in the lunchbox earlier.

The guy from Bristol should have had some cream in there.

Just cream.

Just cream.

What are you having for lunch, Keith?

Just some cream.

My lunchbox was full of cream, guys.

I'd be fading Keith down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just some cream.

Because I think he's about to say something disgusting.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boom.

Faded down.

I'm just imagining that.

Yeah, that's very nice.

Thank you.

Bye, Keith.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah.

Is there cheering?

Is there any in particular?

You remember having to fade down over the years?

Oh, loads.

That was a real close call.

It was going to be really bad.

Oh, there's loads.

But

most of them have gone badly.

But you can, you know, like a, I guess it's like a heckler.

Yeah.

Hopefully you can sort of style it out a bit.

Yeah, but we can't just do that.

And then they go quiet.

That would be amazing.

But also, it's not being broadcast to quite a few people.

And in the room, like the dream is...

It's quite a few people.

No, loads of people.

I'm not saying

both of you are very successful.

That's the canal, Craig.

Even more so after this podcast.

This particular one.

This absolutely.

No, no, no.

But what I mean is everyone in that room is sort of up for you to

go with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whereas you've got a lot of people who are sort of casually listening on the way to school with their kids are on the way to school and you've got someone.

But when I was on the early breakfast show, this was when I first started a couple of years before i met you brilliant yeah i met you rice um and uh nice to meet you

wow

you're not fading that down

i mean i want to give that up as loud as it'll go i want to hear more put it in the red nice to meet you ed's my favorite listener ever it's peaking right and i'd just go it was rice to meet you too ed to meet you rice you'd say yeah imagine bruce warsyth had like workshopped it yeah and had gone one day thinking of doing a catch phase It's either nice to meet you or rice to meet you.

And they've gone, probably going nice.

I think rice would be good.

Rice to meet you, to meet you.

Rice.

Especially if he met Annika Rice.

Oh, yeah.

I bet he did it.

I bet he must have done it.

I bet he did it.

Yeah.

Oh, I bet he did it every time he went for a curry.

Like if he went out for a curry with Tess Daly after Strictly, I bet he went rice to meet you.

Meet you Rice.

To meet you Rice.

Yes.

Thank you, Bruce.

Thank you, Bruce.

I've got my first agent in London.

He took me out for a a curry and it was quite a posh curry and they all had this really lovely white, crisp, or the waiter's white, crisp uniform.

And my agent's like regular gag, I realized since telling people, is that he'd give the menu back and go, thank you, doctor.

That was his thing.

Because it had

like a doctor's coat on it.

Thank you, doctor.

Thank you, doctor.

Love that.

I love little restaurant jokes.

Bad restaurant jokes are my favorite sorts of jokes, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My dad's quite quite good at that.

He did one.

Does he do when you've cleared your plate, when the waiter comes over to take the plate, does he do,

he didn't like us?

Oh, great.

That's a good one.

My dad always,

when we go out somewhere, the rule is that he will always order what Henry VIII would have ordered.

It's always the biggest, the heaviest thing.

Yeah.

And he ordered pork belly, and the waitress came over once and they went, pork belly?

He went, that's a bit rude.

Yeah, yeah.

It's good, but

it just works.

Love it.

It does only just work.

It's great.

That's what you want.

Yeah.

It just works.

Yeah.

By thread of sense.

Anytime like you can do like the kind of joke, go, what did you call me?

I love that.

Yeah.

I love what did you call me?

No, I've never met her.

I'm doing that at the minute quite a lot.

I'm getting a lot of joy out of this.

And I don't know if anyone else is, but C-Mat's new album and new song is called Euro Country.

Yeah.

And so on the radio, I'm going, Euro Country.

Yeah.

What'd you call me?

I like that.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

It's fun just to say something on the radio.

She knows.

She knows what she's doing.

Absolutely.

100%.

Speaking of which, that's what I was about to talk about.

At four o'clock in the morning, we used to do a thing where we'd take calls live to air.

This was in sort of 2008.

A crazy decision, if I may say.

It was crazy, but it was fun because it was four in the morning.

Loads of fun people were listening and just, we just pick it up and just be.

And it was, we did maybe eight months of it.

And it was really fun.

And you'd always get some, you'd get Keith calling up saying, I'm drinking cream or whatever.

But there was one guy just, I went, hello, line two.

And he just went, can't?

Of course.

And my producer just went, oh,

we had such a good run.

It was so good.

And that was it.

It was banned.

Banned.

Banned, banned, banned.

No, no calls live to air.

That was it.

That was the end of it.

And more recently,

we did a feature called Cowboy Time.

Is that like penis time?

No, not like penis time.

I'd put the penis away.

It was at 10 to 10.

So it's 10 to 10 to 10, 10, 10.

So cowboy time is the thing.

Someone suggested that we did it it every day.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

You run out, as I said, you run up ideas, yeah.

Returnable features.

That's what we did.

So we did it every day.

It was really fun.

We just call back a random number that was just had text in that day.

And nine times out of 10, brilliant.

Everyone going, oh, I'm on.

And they'd go, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

But one morning, this guy picked up the phone and I went, Lewis, are you there?

It was rustling.

I was hovering over the fader going, yeah, what's he doing here?

It was rustling.

And then he'd obviously got a phone or something and held it up to

the other phone.

And he was just playing porn.

He was playing the porn noise that they got lineker with.

They got lineker with.

You know, the lineker with?

That linekot got got by porn.

There was a, someone strapped a phone to the back of the sofa on FA Cup or something, and it was just going, ah!

And the guy called up radio one and did that to me.

That's not as funny as the current guy.

No, it's not as funny.

And a lot more effort

and a lot more thinking you're going to be funny on the lead up to it.

Yeah.

But but actually not naturally a funny person whoever that person is if you're listening you have not got funny bones yes but the cunk guy the cunk guy has yeah definitely

yeah really funny to say it like that yeah someone told me that it was then used in a sort of training module of course that's the dream isn't it it is the dream yeah and i bet the cunk guy doesn't tell that story to people just

never funny thing that he did and i bet the porn guy tells everyone yeah as if it was the funniest thing he told me the the porn guy oh you met him DM'd me.

He said, That was me, Greg.

Don't you find it funny?

No, no, it's my job.

I find that funny.

Of course not.

I'm at work.

He turned up.

The weird thing about that is that he turned up at Radio One's big weekend, got tickets to it, and he was down.

This little platform we were doing the show from, and he was down saying, I'm the guy.

It's me.

Yeah, exactly.

Just raise the middle finger to him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Got him.

Can't see that on the radio.

Got him.

Got him.

Got him.

Your dream dessert.

My dream dessert is, I actually haven't featured eggs much in this today, but I'm quite egg-based.

You shouted out Turkish eggs.

Yeah, actually nice.

Yeah, but I'm quite egg-based, and I do like a post-show egg, but I didn't think it was, it wasn't enough for me.

But flan is where I get my eggs in.

And I don't know if you're aware of the proper

French flan.

The sort of

wobbly,

almost like creme caramel consistency.

Consistency.

Consistency-ish.

Yeah.

But there's a very specific sort of French.

I think it's called

flan Parisienne or something, which I imagine is Parisian flan.

Yes.

It's very eggy.

It's quite wobbly.

Yeah.

And it has to be quite cheap.

It has to be from a supermarket.

It has to be from your super-ooze, your hyper-us, your e-leclerc, that sort of thing.

And it feels like it's been made by a machine, but it's absolutely delicious.

And

I just would eat that every day as well.

I mean, this whole meal is death, isn't it?

This is this is a death meal, really.

Your arteries are going, what are you doing?

But I think the flan is the really important part of French culture.

And we don't have it here.

We just don't, you cannot find it.

You can't find the right stuff.

And actually,

the aforementioned Bella, who loves Rennies, also loves making, like trying to perfect the perfect flan, and it took her three years.

Wow.

She just about did it.

Just about.

Oh.

Yeah.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

This flan stuff.

No.

Because you're thinking it.

Like an egg custard-ish.

Yeah.

but then turn left at egg custard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But avoid creme caramel.

Right.

That's exactly it.

Yeah, I know.

That's

a cheesecake.

It looks a bit like a casque casket.

It looks like a basket.

It looks like a basket, but tastes nothing like a basque.

It's much eggier, it's much more wobbly.

Yeah.

It's got a cheap sort of layer of pastry at the bottom, which is kind of soft.

I'm with you.

But the middle of it is just unbelievable.

Vanilla flavoured?

Vanilla flavoured, eggy, and very, very sugary.

Very soft.

Very soft street.

Yeah.

Well, I really think you'd love it.

Yeah, well, I love an egg custard.

Yeah, me too.

If it's like the ultimate high-end egg custard.

I don't know if it's high-end.

I think it's a relative of.

There's more of it.

You get a lot more of it.

Like Guy and Greg, like related?

Yeah.

Like, about that distance?

It's an egg custard cousin.

Egg cousin cousins.

Oh, custard cousins is the...

Custard cousins?

Yeah, we can't say that.

Egg cousins, also.

Custard cousins is like a sex thing.

Is it?

Yeah.

Cousin Egg.

Cousin Egg.

This is a much...

Much nicer, isn't it?

Much more wholesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, yeah, so that's ruined flan, isn't it?

Yeah.

But that's my uh, that's my favourite.

That would be my favourite thing.

And I could eat a whole...

It comes in triangles.

Yeah.

Or a slab.

You can get a whole slab.

Sort of like two or three foot.

Like a log?

Log.

It's like a log.

Yeah.

A cat of a caterpillar.

A flan flatterpillar.

Flatterpillar?

Flatterpillar.

We call it Colin Caterpillar because it's like...

No.

If you want

like a French name, really.

I don't know.

Any French names going with C.

French for Colin.

Yeah, what is French for Colin?

I bet it doesn't exist.

You know how people say there's not a German word for fluffy or that, just a joking black adder.

But like

Colleen?

Colleen.

Colleen?

Colleen.

Colleen is probably

that's Benito's gun.

See, Greg, when we have like a, you know, a professional radio host on,

they know that they have to translate for Benito as well.

Yes.

Because we know Benito's not going to put himself in the edit, so we have to say what he says.

But you're the first guest who's caught onto that without having having to be told right and it's like okay benito said it i should repeat it to the microphone because he's not going to include himself in the edit well look you two know that i am a fan of you two in this podcast but i have the most amount of respect in the world for people who produce audio the producers are oh my god yeah i immediately meeting bonito i was like this guy this guy is just amazing he's a legend yeah he is yeah it's his project really

we're just we're just living in it we haven't even brought up longboy haven't even talked about longboy oh my god you know and as it as it was going on, I was like, I'm loving this episode.

It's going really well.

And

I'm not going to halt the rhythm to talk about Longboy.

Because we have to explain Longboy to us.

There's a Longboy chapter in the book, actually.

In fact, you feature.

Have you got the book there?

Can I read?

Oh, well.

It's in the book.

You're in the book as well.

Yes!

Hang on.

In fact.

For the listeners, Longboy was a duck that Greg and all of his listeners were very obsessed with.

The world was.

The world was

mainly Greg and his listeners.

And the duck passed away, but then a rumour started that Ed Gamble had eaten Longboy the duck on Great Bridge menu.

Because it was a runner-duck.

There was runner-duck on the menu.

It was a really delicious.

Yeah, there was duck neck.

It was a really delicious.

So that's when you were on the breakfast show.

I called in.

You called in to give a character witness of him.

And you said something like, and he'd eat again.

He wants to eat Pudsy.

That's what I remember.

Yeah, CCA, yeah, I was going to eat Pudzy.

Eat Pudsy Bear.

Yeah, yeah, he was going to eat Pudsy Bear.

I can't remember why.

Yeah.

It was around children in need type of thing.

Well, because

he was an innocent animal.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I think I said I was going to eat Barney.

And I was

replying to a picture you put of Barney on Instagram with a knife and fork emoji.

So then what we

photo.

In my memory, you photoshopped a salt and pepper shaker with Barney.

Yeah, it did.

But he was afraid of me.

You played the villain so well.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, look, people don't fear me, but they do fear gambling.

Yeah, absolutely.

Definitely.

Tell me about it.

I mean, I fear him.

Especially

But you featured in we did this

Maybe the best thing I'll I'll ever do was that I did a state funeral Yes, live on the breakfast show for the duck.

And we did the Lord's Prayer and you were in it.

Deliver us from Ed Gamble.

For thine is the kingdom, your long neck the glory, forever and ever, our friend.

As we forgive hoisins, as we forgive those who hoisinned against you.

Worth it.

Yeah.

Worth the whole journey of like speaking about him for years.

For that.

When you get that line, you go, there you go.

go there you go the Ed Gamble reference is because there was a strong rumor that he ate longboy on an episode of the Great British menu he has never denied this and in fact fanned the flames of it by saying he'd like to eat pudsy from children in need and then my dog

and then I say page 238 he's a fucking monster and isn't to be trusted yeah that said I do really like his podcast off menu and look here we are that's good there we go there we go not hearing a shout out for me oh yeah James didn't listen to a single word that you said there because he was waiting for for his own.

Furthermore,

he's making this up.

I also like James Aiken.

Yes, the end.

The book.

Good book available now.

Go out and buy it.

Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

James is going to read your menu back to you.

Thanks.

It really was a pleasure.

Thank you.

You like tap water, and no shame shall be attached to that.

Thank you.

You want poppadoms.

You want Marmite cheese on a crumpet as your starter, grilled cheese.

Main course fettuccine and Alfredo from Alfredo's in Rome.

Side dish, a secret steak, and you want pizza for the table.

With cousin Greg.

Sorry, cousin Guy.

Cousin Guy will be there.

Who calls Greg cousin Greg?

Yeah.

For the secret steak.

But round the table is Bella, Cahill, and Kerns.

Drink a big bottle of Brunello and dessert.

Flan Parisiane.

Beautiful.

I'm happy.

That's good.

That does sound nice, Greg.

That is a Gaviscon meal.

It's sponsored by.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're bookending it with some Gavvies, but like that's

a very nice noise.

But

it won't surprise anyone.

The flan is what I want the most there.

Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

It's been wonderful to have you.

Thanks for inviting me.

I've loved it.

Thank you very much, Greg, for coming on the pod.

So lovely to see Greg James.

Lovely to see him.

Great menu.

Great chat.

Yeah.

Loved it.

Little bit of longboy chat at the end, but he didn't

put Mona Duck on the menu.

He didn't have secret runner duck.

He had secret steak, but not secret runner duck.

Oh, what if the runner duck was so secret he didn't tell us about it?

Oh, yeah.

What's secret ingredient, but he kept it secret from us.

He flipped it on us.

We've been got.

What if his cousin Guy was like hid in the where the coats all get hung up in the colloquial with the duck in his pocket?

A little duck in his pocket.

And Greg would go, I'll just go and check on my coat.

And then we'll go just be fed.

Yeah.

To be fed a bit of runner duck.

That would be typical of Greg James.

Don't forget to go go and get Greg's book, All the Best for the Future.

It sounds great.

I mentioned.

Yeah.

So just even if it's just for rereading or listening, if you're getting the audiobook.

If you love reading my name written down, it's a great book to get.

As is Glutton.

Oh, yeah.

Because your name's written down in that.

We can't be plugging my book in the bit where we plug Greg's book.

But yeah, you can get that as well.

And he's on a book tour.

If you are listening to this on the day it comes out, Wednesday, October the 1st, you can go and see him in Glasgow if indeed there are any tickets left and there's still another date in Leeds to come.

But maybe I would say October 2nd, tomorrow if you listen to this and the day comes out, he's going to be knocking around somewhere in between the two because very unlikely he'll be coming home to London.

So if you want to catch him in the wild on his day off and chat to him, you know, somewhere in between Glasgow and Leeds, I'd say.

This is what we'll be breaking up the journey.

We always like to do.

We always like to give you listeners a little opportunity to interrupt our guests' privacy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Disrupt their life on their day off.

Didn't say run a duck, of course.

Didn't say run a duck and we're glad.

If you live in some European cities, I'm on tour in Europe.

I'm coming all over the place.

Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Lisbon, Rotterdam.

Or anywhere.

Yes, not Rome.

Even though I'm annoyed now, I'm not doing a tour date in Rome because I could have gone to Alfredo's.

Yeah, it would have been great.

But as it is, going to Amsterdam and I think going to go to Ron Gastro bar.

Yes.

Yeah.

Eat the most hyped up dish.

Yeah.

I've hyped it up too much, I fear.

Yeah, but that's perfect because if it's delicious, I'll be so happy.

If it's rubbish, I'm going to love telling you it's bad.

Yeah, and I imagine I'll learn that on this very podcast.

You'll save it for

just drop it on me.

Yeah, I probably will, actually.

During an episode.

Yeah.

Devastate me.

I'm also touring America next year.

Oh, god.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets for all of those.

I'm going all over the place in America, James.

So I need your at least one must-have dish.

Fucking hell.

Benito.

One must-have dish in every city because you've been to all of them.

Well, they'll all be ice cream.

Oh, yeah.

When you go to Seattle, go to Molly Moons.

I am doing Seattle, actually.

Great.

Go to Molly Moons and get the cobbler ice cream.

Okay.

Benito's hovering over the stop record, but he seems to think that we've just devolved into a normal chat we would have off for the podcast, which he could be correct.

He could be correct.

Or he's about to sneeze again or fart or something.

Yeah, he's about to sneeze and fart

at the same time.

Burp.

Do everything at once.

See you next week.

See you next week.

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