Greg James

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Speaker 2 Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, podcast, taking the Mars ice cream out of the freezer of humor, leaving it on the kitchen side of friendship, unwrapping it, tucking in for a lovely podcast ice cream bar, James.

Speaker 2 The perfect way to enjoy. I mean, we're not advertising them.
That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster.

Speaker 2 Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest and ask them their favourite ever started making dessert sides and drink, I believe. I believe it's not in that order.

Speaker 2 No. And this week, our guest is Greg James.
Greg James, of course, the host of the Radio One breakfast show, James. Yeah.
A consumer broadcaster, a wonderful man. Handsome as you like.

Speaker 2 And definitely destined to be a national treasure. Oh, he's well on his way to National Treasure States.
You know, a young man, but you can already tell.

Speaker 2 He's going to go down in history as one of our most cherished broadcasters. Absolutely.
Very much looking forward to speaking to Greg about his dream menu. I'm a big fan of Greg's.

Speaker 2 He's also got a book out, James. He has.
All the Best for the Future, it's called. Growing up without growing old.
Yes, it looks great. It looks absolutely fantastic.
Stories from Greg's life. Yes.

Speaker 2 And he's going on a book tour. I believe he's on the book tour currently.
And if you live in Glasgow or Leeds, you still have a chance to go. But you've got to be to see the Glasgow show.

Speaker 2 If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, it is tonight. So if there is two tickets remaining, you should go.

Speaker 2 But if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he's out of here.

Speaker 2 Sorry. And today, the secret ingredient for Greg James is Run a Duck.
Run a duck. Because of the Longboy saga.
Longboy was a duck that Greg was obsessed with. A lot of people were.
Loved Longboy.

Speaker 2 Loved Longboy the duck who was at York University. Used to live on the grounds of York University.
It went missing, presumed dead.

Speaker 2 Then I ate Run a Duck on Great British Menu, and Greg decided I'd eaten Longboy, and there was a huge scandal. That might come up on the podcast.
Might come up. If we talk about it,

Speaker 2 we don't check him out. But if he chooses Runa Duck, it's on the menu, which would be hypocritical beyond belief.
It'd be insane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If Greg ate Run of Duck, yes, and wasn't just thinking about Longboy the whole time,

Speaker 2 feeling bad. You might as well be eating Longboy.
So exactly. So he might say it, he might not.
I'm going to say, hopefully, he doesn't say it, but it'd be funny to kick Greg out.

Speaker 2 Especially for that deserved. Yeah.
It'll be deserved. I don't think anyone would be against that.
This is the off-menu menu of Greg James.

Speaker 2 Welcome Greg to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks so much.

Speaker 2 Welcome Greg James to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very difficult to get a table. Yes.

Speaker 2 It's a real pleasure to be here. Just to pull some strings to get a table? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just drop the name. Yeah.
Drop the name. Your own name? No.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 But I walked into this room and I said to James, do people go, oh, the guy's different in real life. It's nice, in here.
And he went, no,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 Go said, you must get this a lot, but it's crazy to see this for the first time. I was like, Greg, no one's ever said that.

Speaker 2 Why not? All these ungrateful bastards, yeah. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I guess because I'm looking at the audio setup. Oh, yeah, of course.
Because you're a cameras. You're an audio nerd.
I'm an audio guy.

Speaker 2 Because you spend pretty much every day of your life in a radio studio. So

Speaker 2 when you go into other studios, you must be like, this is different. I think I've done radio for longer than I haven't.
Wow. But I guess you have with comedy, right?

Speaker 2 Because when did you start doing sort of when I was 23? So, yeah, I'm not there yet. I've been doing 17 years.
Yeah, I'm not there. You look good on it.
Thank you. Yeah, great.
Thank you, Greg.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not there yet, but growing up. Without growing old, you could say.
Hey, that's good. That's good.
Yeah. That's the subtitle of your book.
It's the subtitle.

Speaker 2 I wasn't going to get all the best for the future in there early on. Yeah, you can't say that is the first thing you say to someone.
Anyway, all the best for the future, Greg. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Well, all the best for the future to you both.

Speaker 2 You've You've done a book. I have.
It's called All the Best for the Future. Do you know who came up with the title? Go on.
Paul and Barry Chuckle.

Speaker 2 I'm reading a little blurb, and I did know that. And I think it's probably the funniest starting point for a book that I've ever read.
Please, tell the story.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know what your Chuckle Brothers sort of...

Speaker 2 cultural touch points are. Were you into them?

Speaker 2 Did you rush home and watch Chucklevision? Constantly, love them, still think about them to this day. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I think that set us all, a certain generation set us all on a path of going, oh, maybe you could just mess around forever and just do that sort of job.

Speaker 2 And do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking. Well, not specifically the narrative of the show.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Not the actual stories in the show, but I. I'm not talking about the actual people.
I'm talking about the actual people, yeah. I'm not talking about their personas.

Speaker 2 I'm not talking about the real, yeah, the real people. Because you know that that boss was an actor.
Yeah. And do you know who the boss was? I don't know.
Their half-brother.

Speaker 2 So there were two people who were always the boss. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mr. No Slacken, and I think I can't remember what the other catchphrase was there.
Mr. No Slacken was the first one.
Mr. No Slackin.

Speaker 2 They were the half-brothers of the Chuckle Brothers. They were both their half-brothers.
Yes. And the catchphrase was? No Slacken.
No. No.
No slacking. And they were the half-chuckle brothers.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 it's like a showbiz family. I think the half-chuckle.
Yeah. Nearly there.
Yeah. He nearly got it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Odd watch a separate brother show, a spin-off show that's called the half-chuckle brothers. Yeah.
And that's just the two half-brothers. Yeah.
Yeah. Knocking around.

Speaker 2 So him him and barry when i was 10 i went to go and see the chuckle brothers with my nan at weymouth pavilion amazing great venue yeah have you done stand-up there once yeah it's a great venue but nelton was in the main room oh really okay good luck to him one day you're all the best for the future

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 all your best for the for the future and your quest of the main room at weymouth yeah

Speaker 2 but it's um it was a signing they did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and it was and he wrote to gregory all the best for the future which i was so excited about because I was there in my shell suit, you know, with all the other kids, being like, oh my God, it's the guys off the telly.

Speaker 2 These are the best guys.

Speaker 2 And when we walked away and my nan was like, let's have a look at that. She'd see that and go, why did they write all the best for the future? That's just a strange thing to say to a kid.

Speaker 2 But it is quite strange. But

Speaker 2 I like that they wrote that. And I've always remembered it.
And I just thought, that's quite a good starting point for the book. So I start as a 10-year-old me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I sort of imagine what my future life could be like.

Speaker 2 So it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and um sort of gripes about the world and a reminder hopefully to to stay true to your 10 year old self because it's probably the stuff you love when you were 10 is probably the stuff you've kind of like now yeah yeah yeah to a certain extent to a certain extent chuckle bubbas

Speaker 2 yeah yeah yeah i watch it i'll watch it after when i get home after this i mean look you know Definitely, I've made a living off of coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much I love ice cream.

Speaker 2 There you go. That was me as a 10-year-old.
It's not changed at all. If anything, it's got even more intense.
Yes. You still love wrestling? Still love wrestling.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 I'm regressing, basically. I think that's fine.

Speaker 2 I think you can regress as you get older, but you've just got because maybe it's even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well.

Speaker 2 As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well. You do have to do both.
You've got to do the taxes and watch Chuckle Brothers. Yeah, otherwise your life sort of falls apart.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you are just sat at home watching Chuckle Brothers. Then you're a genuine Chuckle Brother because, like, within the script of the show, I don't think those guys were doing their taxes.

Speaker 2 No, no way, though. No way.

Speaker 2 That feels like a sort of after hours sort of a grown-up version of it where they didn't it's like an hmrc infomercial yeah it's like janitor's january 30th it's five to midnight and they're just pushing the hmrc form from one to the other going to me to you

Speaker 2 and then they would get investigated at some point yeah and they sit down with them and go okay listen you've had a series of jobs each lasting less than a day from what we can see yeah um

Speaker 2 do you want to explain this one at the at the marble factory

Speaker 2 and how How were you paid?

Speaker 2 It is cash in hand, isn't it? Right. It's got to be cash in hand.
It's repeatedly one of two bosses. Can you explain that?

Speaker 2 And they're your brothers. Multiple jobs.
You have about 365 jobs a year. Two bosses.

Speaker 2 Who are you in all these businesses? We were investigating them as well. You better believe that we are.
Don't look at him.

Speaker 2 Answer the question. Put the ladder down.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, clean the windows in a minute.

Speaker 2 this is serious yeah

Speaker 2 stop saying oh no yeah be careful of that but that bucket of slime okay

Speaker 2 when you tell that story as someone you must now sign autographs of people i do doing this book you never sign a lot you're gonna be signing books going to book sign-ins yeah all the best fair enough all the best for the future yeah nine is a weird thing to say to a kid i'd say if you're doing loads of signings i would just write all the best and leave it in that

Speaker 2 i wouldn't want to I've got a double my word count there. Yeah.
All the best for the future. Which maybe shows that they really did care.
Well, I guess so. Or, I mean, I interviewed Paul.

Speaker 2 There's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book. It's quite a sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in 30 years.

Speaker 2 And I said, why do you, did you do this for all the kids? And he went, no.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I'd even say that. And I went,

Speaker 2 what do you think? He went, well, he must have said something.

Speaker 2 He blamed me. And I said, well, maybe I said, maybe I want to be like beyond telly one day.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So I think that's maybe what it was.
Because he said he would normally just do to me to you. Of course.
So I don't know. I think it might be a one-of-one.
I think it's a unique.

Speaker 2 This is incredible. Yeah.
It might be.

Speaker 2 Anyone reached out since the. No.
Could just be you. All the best for the future.
I think it's it. Yeah.
I think it might be. Well, look,

Speaker 2 this is it. If there is somebody who's also gotten all the best for the future.
Yeah. Chocolate brothers autograph.
Yeah. Are you going to be signing it though?

Speaker 2 When you're doing these books signing up. I think I'm going to have to.
You have to.

Speaker 2 I think there's so many when you're signing books can you just write c cover well some of them you get you get a

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 yeah a greeting on the front yeah yeah yeah but there's you have to do quite a few pre-signed ones yeah just when they send you the pages five you're just like thanks for buying that book love you all the best for the future sep seventh onwards it's just g kiss yeah yeah yeah yeah you get i do mean them all I mean it.

Speaker 2 I mean every single one. G kiss.

Speaker 2 G kiss. Who was it that you got in trouble recently for the signbook was literally just they put a dot in him.
It was just like

Speaker 2 just a dot. Yeah, it was like they got

Speaker 2 obviously they had to do thousands and then they're literally just doing like a dash or a dot. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's so nice about it because it's been handled by the star though, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Even that book, even though it's a dot from Bob Dylan, it's been handled by

Speaker 2 Dylan's that level where I would accept it if it was just a dot. You're not accepting a dot from me.
And you shouldn't. Yeah, I would

Speaker 2 Bob Dylan, I don't know if it it was him, but the way he does his songs now is basically a dot version of the songs.

Speaker 2 It is. I took my dad to see Bob Dylan at the Albert Hall.
Yeah. My dad's got quite bad sight,

Speaker 2 which was good because Bob Dylan was basically standing in the dark.

Speaker 2 My dad was going, what's he doing now?

Speaker 2 Even I don't know. I can tell you.
I'm not sure. And so he sort of shuffles around.
Like it's, you're just watching them jamming. Yeah.
He doesn't even say hello. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He doesn't even address the crowd, which I really respect because it's, you know, a lot of it is, you know, hey guys, everyone's together.

Speaker 2 Get your hands in the air. But Bob's like, I actually would rather you all just fucked up.
Yeah, yeah. And just leave us to it, really.
Thanks for your 250 quid.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Bob Dylan, I'm not buying that from him if he came out. And when guys are all together, it's amazing how you feel in London.
It's like, come on. It's not, yeah, it's not Chris Martin.

Speaker 2 Get your wristbands up. Yeah, yeah.
Let's go. I even buy it from him.
Really?

Speaker 2 When Chris Martin's doing all that, I'm like, pull the other one. You know,

Speaker 2 you're not shit. Do you think? Yeah, I'm like, shut up.
Is the truth somewhere between Bob and Chris? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think, you know, they do appreciate being there, but also they're at work. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 actually,

Speaker 2 why they really got into the industry is because of their love of playing music. So they'd rather just get on with that.

Speaker 2 not shout out to everyone of look around you and how amazing this is and we're all here yeah chris martin absolutely if he ever ever comes on this podcast, I'll say it to his face.

Speaker 2 You say it to his face. Yeah.
I'll say it to his face. Well, there's a thing where you do a stadium show, you get to that level because it's the, and it's basically the same show every night.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's a bit in the Taylor Swift show where she cries, but it looked like,

Speaker 2 I wonder if she cried every night. Almost certainly.
That's the thing.

Speaker 2 Like on the auto queue, this is the bit, like, turn the waterworks on, because this is the bit. I don't see it every night.
I saw it at Glastonbury with Dolly Parton.

Speaker 2 I was watching it from the side of stage and she was, she has like a teleprompter with her like anecdotes and stuff. Oh yeah, anecdotes are amazing.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 well, but it makes she makes it sound

Speaker 2 real. It's great.
There's a clip of Brian Wilson. Obviously, yeah, fair enough in his later days, he was just having it all on the teleprompter auto-cue thing.

Speaker 2 And there's a bit on the live like recordings, and he's clearly reading it. And he goes, between songs, goes, Woo!

Speaker 2 And then dead serious, and then woo.

Speaker 2 He does does that. It's really not the thing to say, woo.
And he does it for the whole time it's on the screen, and then he pauses and waits seriously, and then does it again.

Speaker 2 Like a little karaoke ball on each word. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 the words are being coloured in as it goes along. And he's like, right, cool.
And now I'm doing God only knows. Yeah.
But by that point, I guess it sort of does become karaoke. Yeah.

Speaker 2 For those legendary artists, they are just doing karaoke. And worse versions.
Yeah. Exactly.
It sounds like a MIDI file.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I bet Taylor Swift does do that cry every night at the same time. And I bet everyone who's part of her crew and work on that show absolutely hates her for it.
For that one bit.

Speaker 2 They might like working with Taylor Swift. And a lot of the things you said in the last 10 minutes are saying more about you than they are about.

Speaker 2 Listen, if I was part of that crew, every time she cried every night, I would turn to someone and go, fucking sociopath. Yeah,

Speaker 2 look at this absolute sociopath we're working for. She's crying fake every night, but she can make herself do it to all these people.

Speaker 2 I remember earlier on when she just told you to get her a coffee, remember that shit? Right. I'd be like,

Speaker 2 but you're imagining you working on a Taylor Swift Stadium show, yeah. And I'll be annoyed because I'll be like, but you're not passing the vetting process.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 you're not getting that job because

Speaker 2 you're not getting that job. I've got lots of experience and lots of people.
I'm more likely to get a job on the Taylor Swift Stadium show as the Chuckle Brothers.

Speaker 2 Excuse me. Do not let them hang those lights up.

Speaker 2 They are killing crowd members. That's it.
They wouldn't ever approve of it either. It'd be me and the Chuckles side of stage going.
Here we go. Here come the water works.

Speaker 2 There they are. Got going with a mug right on Q.

Speaker 2 Go on, Barry. Clean it up.
Oh, he slipped on the gaze. He slipped on the gaze.
Paul, go and get him. Oh, against my better judgment.
Go and get him, Paul. Oh, Paul slipped over.
There we go.

Speaker 2 He's pulled him over.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm going in. I'll try and keep my opinions to myself while I'm out there.
But

Speaker 2 stupid, go the way you're social. I've got to pick up the chuckles again.

Speaker 2 Still a sparkling water, Greg James.

Speaker 2 It's still. Yeah.
And it is tap. Okay.
It is tap.

Speaker 2 I feel like I'm a chugger. I'm a water.
I'm very well hydrated, I feel. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you a chugger with all drinks? Because I'm a gulper. James will tell you that.
Big gulps. Big gulp.

Speaker 2 I'm quite a gulper, yeah, but it's the water thing. I don't know what it is, but during the show, I get through a lot.
I've got sort of an army issue flagon that I take with me.

Speaker 2 to the front line, which is the radio and breakfast show.

Speaker 2 Fending off all the pop hits that crying pops does.

Speaker 2 But it's tap for me, and it's a lot of it. And that's it.
But I do think there's, and I did want to discuss this with you actually quite seriously. Please.

Speaker 2 I do feel like there is a shame when they say still or sparkly and you say, actually, because you all go, actually, tap is fine. Yeah.
But tap's always fine.

Speaker 2 But they make you feel like a third-class citizen. They make you feel pathetic saying it.

Speaker 2 They make you feel like you're saying, oh, I don't deserve the other things. Yeah.
Tap for me, please. Yeah, I really like it when they include it in the options.

Speaker 2 But when they don't and they make you say it. Yeah.
They should include it in the options. They should.
That's the best option.

Speaker 2 I think the worst case scenario is them coming up, looking at you and going, tap? Yeah, that is bad. Yeah.
Yeah. Still or sparkling or probably tap.

Speaker 2 You're a tap for you, isn't it? You're a tap guy. Yeah, just out of your hands.

Speaker 2 I had...

Speaker 2 I don't want to show off, but I had Turkish eggs before I came here. Oh, wow.
Wow. Around the corner.
Big name drop. And they did the still or sparkling.
And I was like, this is a good warm-up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I felt ready. No one's ever done Gone Method before.
That was a really good warm-up, this guy. Because also he said, I said to him, tap's fine.
And he replied, and this has never happened before.

Speaker 2 He replied with, even our tap water is filtered. So there's a one pound surcharge.
Wow. Interesting.
I've never heard of that before. No, I think that's absolute bullshit.

Speaker 2 And I went, oh, and then before I could answer, he went, it goes to charity. Oh, yeah.
They got you. They got you.
Well, I didn't want to pry any more. I should have asked.

Speaker 2 That sounds like he riffed that on the spot. He could tell you have a problem.

Speaker 2 It goes to charity. And he's gone back in the kitchen and gone, I've just told that guy out there that

Speaker 2 the water money goes to charity. What? Why'd you do that for your fucking idiot?

Speaker 2 What do we do? Do we donate it to charity? No, of course we're not going to fucking donate it to charity. It's for us.
We're a Turkish egg business. We're doing fucking appallingly.

Speaker 2 A Turkish egg business. We can't afford to give money to charity.
But he

Speaker 2 restaurant in London, for Christ's sake. He was ready with it.
He was ready with it. It goes to charity.

Speaker 2 He's obviously up that church a lot where people have been awkward about the one pound surcharge. for i should have said

Speaker 2 prove it yeah show me the papers yeah yeah

Speaker 2 get the get the chuckle brothers tax guys back in

Speaker 2 the same people one of the same people yeah who audited the chuckle brothers yeah

Speaker 2 otherwise i'm not gonna believe it um first time i ever interacted with you was in a restaurant but you don't remember it i do remember it and we're gonna say it after three one two three joe and the juice no yeah it was no yeah it was no when was it no joe and the juice was way later okay wow give me a give me a year when was it called Joan the juice a restaurant

Speaker 2 I would say

Speaker 2 What year was it? I would say it was 2013 really yeah, was it a comedy thing? Yeah, was Kearns there? Yeah Cahill. Yeah, hmm, this checks out

Speaker 2 You can't say this checks out when you've offered all the stuff. Open aside Greg, I'm gonna tell you this.

Speaker 2 This is something that I have bought up to you since and you didn't remember. And now you've forgotten it again, which I'm loving.
Yeah. But I'm a nice guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're a nice guy and a lot of stuff is going on in your life. Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Okay, tell me then. When was it? I'd love to see it.
Edinburgh, 2013. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 At the

Speaker 2 City Cafe, I believe. Right.
What's the one opposite the Tron? Don't look at me. I wasn't.

Speaker 2 What's the one opposite the Tron? Yeah, City. City Cafe.
Do you not remember?

Speaker 2 You were there.

Speaker 2 You were there with Kearns and Cahill. I'm sat at the table with Joel Dommit and David Trent.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this was David Trent's idea and it's still one of my favourite things ever. He said, Kearns is with Craig James.
We didn't know that you went to uni together at the time and all this.

Speaker 2 We didn't know that you knew each other. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 And Trent went, let's send them over a bowl of rice.

Speaker 2 Okay, I remember that. So we said to you.
I remember that. The waitress, can you please send a bowl of rice to that table? And we were all.
It turned up. You all looked confused.

Speaker 2 And then you looked over at us and the three of us just raised our glasses to you. Yeah, lovely.
It's a great move. And that was it, really.

Speaker 2 Didn't talk to you. Yeah, it's such a power move, isn't it? That's all we did.
It's It's a good move. It's a bowl of rice.
I'm very happy about it. It's a bowl of rice.
Well, thanks for the rice.

Speaker 2 So now I went on your radio show a couple of years later. That had been our only interaction.
So I thought, obviously, Greg remembers that. Did you bring that up on the radio?

Speaker 2 I didn't just bring it up. I bought with me a box of Uncle Ben's rice.

Speaker 2 How do you not remember this? Slammed it down on the desk and you were like, what the fuck? Okay, what's that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I knew he was a weird guy, but... I was like, I bought you some rice.
And you were like, okay.

Speaker 2 Do you want to tell me what? This is live on the radio. Do you want to tell me why?

Speaker 2 I had to tell that. You're like, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And now again, you forgot again. And now you're like, Joe and the Juice.

Speaker 2 Joe and the Juice, when I just simply said hello to you on my way out, and that was it. Yeah, but you said more than you said with the rice time.
Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 At least you spoke to me this time and it just communicated through rice.

Speaker 2 Actually, Joe and the Juice, we haven't really gone over that since because I got the impression that you were actually in more of a...

Speaker 2 proper meeting or something than I had anticipated and I'd interrupted it on the way out. But I remember being happy to see you and I said that nice to let's hang out soon.
Didn't. No.

Speaker 2 I wanted to. I knew that wasn't going to mean that.
I didn't mean that. I did mean that.
You didn't mean it. I meant that.
Didn't feel that you meant it.

Speaker 2 I remember leaving thinking, what a professionally nice man. Well, especially as

Speaker 2 you said we should hang out soon,

Speaker 2 but you're saying you thought that was the first time you met James. So that's a madness.
No, but he had been on my show. He had been on my show before the Jones thing.

Speaker 2 Yes, I had. Yeah.
And then there'd be the confusing rice thing on the show.

Speaker 2 And then I'd come up to you and join the judge. hey, buddy.
So I'll be to meet you. Get out of here.
I'm so nice to meet you. Let's hang out.

Speaker 2 I should have brought some rice.

Speaker 2 I really fucked it up, didn't I? I considered doing it again. Considered having an even bigger thing of rice in this time when you came in.
It was a huge tray.

Speaker 2 Kearns is responsible for my first ever shout-out on off-menu. Yes.
We don't remember that, obviously. Well,

Speaker 2 a first-ever as well. So you must have had more.
I think, well, I think it was the first ever. It's the first one I've heard.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was to do with being sucked off by a mechanical baroo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I remember that. I just thought,

Speaker 2 that's about right.

Speaker 2 And Kern's there sitting there going, he's bedtime.

Speaker 2 He's not going there.

Speaker 2 Was it Margolise's restaurant? Yeah, it was Margolis's.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there I am being sucked off by a mechanical gorilla.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think just because I've seen you in City Cafe with him, it's our first point of reference as someone that John would go to dinner with. Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And because it's a funny pairing, because obviously you've known each other for years, but for everyone who just knows the two of you separately, it doesn't really make sense that you would hang out.

Speaker 2 John was on some of my first Radio One shows. We got him on to do stuff.
Wow. It was like agony uncore type stuff.
That's amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We used to do loads of stuff on student radio together as well. We would get him to go and do live cinema reviews

Speaker 2 in the film. So that was really, it's a good idea.
I think it's a good idea. Did you make that?

Speaker 2 I should bring that back. I'd do it with John.
Yeah, with John. I want to kiss her now.
Yeah. That's a big kiss.

Speaker 2 Man, I'd love it. I'd love it.
I think enough of our listeners could bully Radio One into bringing that back. Yeah, we could do that.
You're okay with us bullying Radio One?

Speaker 2 I'm seven years into a breakfast show. We're low on ideas.
We're low. I'm doing the rice thing on Monday.
You better be.

Speaker 2 Pop-lobs off bread. Pop-lobs off-bed, Greg James.
Pop-lobs off bread. I've thought about this a lot, obviously.
It's poppadoms. Lovely.
Great. And for specific reasons, actually.
And

Speaker 2 I think that Poppadom's, the Popadom section of a curry night is the most, is the happiest that you can be at dinner if you're going out.

Speaker 2 Because I think there's so much, it's such a lovely moment where you're like, we're so early on into this meal. It's all potential.
Yeah, but we're getting kind of the best bit now.

Speaker 2 This is going to be a brilliant night. We've got plans later, whatever it is.
We've just got nothing else to do. We're just going to sit here.

Speaker 2 But the start is, it's like having, it's like the greatest hits first.

Speaker 2 in a show isn't it yeah sure it's like it's that you're having you've got and this great performance of it as well is really nice You've got the carousel of the dips and you've got the, I just think that's a nice, nice thing to do with your friends.

Speaker 2 So it's poppin's for me. It's why, it's why it's even part of our format.
Yeah. Because of, but you feel that, don't you? I feel that with poppadoms.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't feel it so much of bread when it comes out. No, even though

Speaker 2 I've always picked bread on this, whenever I've done my own menu, but like

Speaker 2 it was that feat I remember having a curry in York. and being like, this should be part of the podcast, this feeling.
It feels so good. It's an amazing feeling.
Yeah. And it's also...

Speaker 2 Ben's face absolutely livid that I've told that boring story. Also, you, but I don't know.
Every time it's boring and goes nowhere, he's sitting there.

Speaker 2 Are you telling me you're in York and you thought this should be part of the podcast? Yeah. But you did it episode one.
Yes. And you definitely made it up on the spot.

Speaker 2 And at no point had you planned to.

Speaker 2 I didn't plan to shout it. Yeah.
No. But I knew it was part of the thing.
We talked about it. No, you didn't tell me.
We talked about it in the cafe immediately before. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I had a curry in York the same week. And I was so happy when the Pop-A-Doms came out that I was like, we've got to have this as part of me.
This feeling has got to be part of the podcast.

Speaker 2 Because, like, it's three days till we do this podcast. We haven't really thought it through.
Yeah. I think we should put this in there as part of the dream meeting.
And it's still there.

Speaker 2 And when Greg was describing that then, I was back in that curry house in York. You rarely talk about the feeling.
It's about the feeling. It's the feeling.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm more, I'm more, when I go out for dinner, I'm more interested in the feeling than the food. Okay.
I think so.

Speaker 2 I mean, the food has to be decent, but I'm more interested in the whole, the atmosphere. A pop-a-dom sets a great atmosphere.
Yeah, I agree with that. Sharing immediately, there's chat.

Speaker 2 Immediately, there's someone disagreeing about how you're chopping them, how you're smashing them, what dips you're putting on, which order. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And also, are you dipping into the dip bit or are you spooning onto your own little plate? That's often an argument. Maybe I say you've got a spoon.
A lot of people don't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, those people are fucking gross. Yeah.
Kearns doesn't. Well, he dips straight in.
Yeah. And I bet he's biting a Pop-a-dom and then dipping in the bit, the bit side into the communal dip.

Speaker 2 But there's friends, we'll all have these people in our lives. Grossos.
you love them but you do want to do some damage to them

Speaker 2 when they do they break off a bit yeah oh yeah dip dip scoop so they're doing a they're doing a mango they're doing a like a you know whatever the yogurt writer writer yeah and then they're scooping a bit of lime so they're getting one dip into the other dip into the other bit yeah it's awful it's kind of awful jonathan edwards hop skip jump it's the triple it's a triple it's a triple jump it's horrible it's horrible to watch hop skip jump man

Speaker 2 Hop, skip, and jump.

Speaker 2 Olympic gold medal hop skip and jumper, thank you.

Speaker 2 It was a hop skip jump.

Speaker 2 My baby fake up there. Yeah, he's commentating LA, the next Olympics.
It's the hop skip jump.

Speaker 2 Do you remember watching that when you were a kid when you broke the record? Yeah, I do, yeah. Insane.
Insane television. Well, you're dipping at the same time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No one would care about that now. No.
But at the time, the world stood still. Yeah, it's funny, that's it.
But I think people would care about that. Not in the same way, but

Speaker 2 if there was a British man who broke the hop, skip, jump record,

Speaker 2 everyone would, the word, the world would stand still. Yeah, but like later on, people would start chatting about it.

Speaker 2 It would be viral. It would go viral.
It was all that was going on in the world. That was it.
Edwards had done it, and he did it because he prayed to Jesus and stuff. I think.

Speaker 2 I remember my childhood being quite Linford Christie-based. Yeah.
It was quite, it was a very, it was a very famous part of our childhood.

Speaker 2 He was absolutely huge. Donald.
People say Christie. Oh, what a great era.
But Linford, I remember, was about his running, but then a lot of it was about his package.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in the papers, Linford's Lunchbox. That's it.
It was Lunchbox, yeah. Yeah.
What? That's what you could have called this podcast. Yeah, we should have called it that.

Speaker 2 We could do it as a spin-off, get Linford Christie to host it. Yeah.
Call it Linford's Lunchbox. And just be like, what was in your pat lunch at school?

Speaker 2 Dream Pat Lunch. Yeah, yeah.
That'd be good. Linford's Lunchbox.
Yeah, get Donald as a co-hosting.

Speaker 2 She can be the genie. You don't reference the rock.
No, no, Never, ever reference that. Yeah.
Not at the end. You'll be like, thank you, Linford.
Also, how big should you go?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Never. No.
That can never come up. No.
What an era. Remains an era for athletics.
Why are we talking about athletics? I don't know. Why are we talking about athletics? Hopskip jump with the dips.

Speaker 2 With the poppadum dips. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because quite naturally, what you're talking about with the dips reminded me of the hopskip and jump, Jonathan Airports.

Speaker 2 What's your go-to dips? What are your favourites? Rank them for me, Greg.

Speaker 2 Well, I do think you need them all. I think they all serve a really important purpose and you can't have one without the other really do it like the top but the limes well chart show yeah

Speaker 2 I have done the chart show before yeah um actually hated doing the chart show so it lasted about a year um you used to call it the fart show you hated so much yeah you damn right I did yeah that that showed them yeah the official fart you kept

Speaker 2 saying number one was mango chutney didn't you and you ruined the whole thing now there was a moment when I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore when Ed Sheeran managed to hack the chart because they changed the rules or something.

Speaker 2 So that the nine out of the top ten were just songs from his album. Oh my God.
And we just had this meeting with, and I'm like, this doesn't work as a, as a chart anymore.

Speaker 2 This is just like someone's hacked it.

Speaker 2 And then from that, they changed the... Anyway, it's just boring.
No, that's not boring. I'm glad you're calling him out.
We've had him on this podcast. I'm not calling him out.

Speaker 2 I'm not James Acaster calling out Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 Sounds like you are. Sounds like, to me, you're calling out Ed Sheeran.
Well, we did it. We actually did a helpline during that chart show, which is maybe why the the bosses said, maybe move off.

Speaker 2 You don't, your heart's not in this anymore. We got a helpline for people saying, it's too many Ed Sheeran songs.
And actually, it's making people feel quite sad. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The chart show is supposed to be uplifting, you know, it wasn't natural. There's a natural conclusion to it.
And it's used to be exciting to find out who was number one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's basically just reordered his album. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 In chart form. And everyone's favourite Ed Sheeran song this week is this one.

Speaker 11 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 Is it because the street was it because of streaming? They kept streaming and they hadn't changed the rules. Right.
They left themselves wide open. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Sheeran is always always going to take advantage of that. Yeah.
When he sees an opening and he sees that someone's let their guard down, he's straight in there.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I just saw this the other day about Ed Sheeran. He said he's going to record an album that couldn't only be released after he's dead.
Yes, he has done a posthumous. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I hope it's like, like, it gets released. It's just him going, I'm playing with my winkle,

Speaker 2 my little tinkle do.

Speaker 2 Play him with my winkle, truly, truly love it. Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 And it's just a cappella And in him singing, it's clearly in the bath

Speaker 2 into his phone. And

Speaker 2 he stated, My dying wish is that this is played as the coffin's coming down.

Speaker 2 And it gets released and he hacks the charts. Still number one.
He's number one everywhere. I'm back on the chart show.
That's in the will. Yeah.
It's one song. In at number two, is him going, Ooh.

Speaker 2 I'm there.

Speaker 2 Oh, my dear God.

Speaker 2 And I'm playing with my winkle.

Speaker 2 And I'm looking at the animals in the zoo. Every song he's playing with his winkle.

Speaker 2 Is he at the zoo in that one? In that one, he's at the zoo and he's dead and he's haunting the zoo, but he's playing with his winkle. Yeah, is it all recorded at London Zoo? Yeah, every track.

Speaker 2 He's basically just gone around with his phone. Yeah.
And wherever he is, he's improvising songs, but he keeps on. Yeah, he's not good at improvising,

Speaker 2 he always comes back to his winkle, always winkle. He keeps on getting trapped in that.
Yeah. So yeah, he'll just be like, um,

Speaker 2 in the lift, I'm going to the top floor. When I'm there, I'm going to play with my winkle.

Speaker 2 But he's regressing with that.

Speaker 2 My nephew's three. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 he announces when he thinks it's penis time.

Speaker 2 Brilliant. Yeah.
And you have to be really careful around that because you don't want to shame.

Speaker 2 And he's like,

Speaker 2 is it penis time now? And you go, oh. What do you mean by that? Like, he just sort of pulls on it.
Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whenever I think of you, I think of your penis. Thank you.
I love you naked because you wrote a very lovely article about your partner. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And during it, you said,

Speaker 2 just for some levity, you said, sometimes, just to cheer them up, you helicopter your penis around

Speaker 2 when you're naked in the bedroom. Yeah.
And it's just a visual that really stuck in my head. I'm sorry about that.
And every time today, I've probably thought about it

Speaker 2 in your presence 10 times since I saw you. I'm so sorry.
And now I will. Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for reading the piece, though. Yeah, it's lovely.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking about the piece. Very nicely written.
That's my main takeaway from it, if I'm honest.

Speaker 2 But it was a lovely, lovely, really well. Yeah, was it when Bella is feeling really sad? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, it is funny, though.
Yeah. I mean, like, my nephew knows that that's sort of funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, he's sort of

Speaker 2 twanging it. Yeah.
Yeah. It's funny to twang it.
Yeah. Yeah.
And nice, nice thing to check.

Speaker 2 But it is penis time. Is it penis time? Yes, it is penis time.
In fact, we were leaving the house recently to go out to the playground. And he went, okay, great.
I'm going to go and get my penis.

Speaker 2 and so he's like he's learned this thing he's like i'm gonna go and get it i'm gonna go and get my penis so maybe you never really grow out of that yeah as a boy but yeah have you ever told him it's not penis time yeah yeah well his his his mum is very like yeah very on that does she have it in her head of when it is penis time and when it isn't in terms of times of the day or is it mainly to do with something like there's an alarm that goes off yeah

Speaker 2 i'm assuming if he's asking that regularly at least nine times out of ten it's not penis time yeah yeah yeah penis time is the rejected title for linford's Lunchbox.

Speaker 2 I feel like

Speaker 2 it's not penis time more than it is penis time. That's the general rule of life.
I think it's a little bit more. Yeah, I think so.
And the earlier that people with penises learned that, the better.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I know we didn't write the dips.
There's no time now. We've got into the pen.
Oh, okay. All right.

Speaker 2 Just quickly,

Speaker 2 at four this week, Writer. Yes.
At number three.

Speaker 2 It's probably the onion-y bit that you're mixed onion. At number two, it's probably mango.
Yeah. But two and three can be interchanged.
At number one, it's lime pickle. Lovely.
Lovely. I love that.

Speaker 2 I'll co-sign that top four. Yeah.
Do you like that? Yeah, yeah. Okay.
I'll say that's my best. I put chutney at the bottom and I put onion second.
Chutney at the bottom. Lime pickle first for me.

Speaker 2 Onion second is mad. You're absolutely grand.

Speaker 2 I love. Getting the old folks home and eat your onion.
Onion second.

Speaker 2 The onion with the writer and a bit of lime pickle on it together. Beautiful.
You get the crunch of the onion, the tang.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean,

Speaker 2 quote me from Monte Craig, but I don't believe when you did the chart show, you could combine three of the singles. No, that's true.
That was number one. Yeah, that's true.
No, that's true.

Speaker 2 Well, maybe it's a feature. Maybe it's writer feet DJ Onion.
Oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 that is it. That is that way of doing it.

Speaker 2 You're right. And at number one, it's writer featuring DJ Onion.

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Speaker 2 Dreamstarter. My Dreamstarter, I've sort of, I think I might have hacked it a little bit here.
Okay. Because it is bread-based and it's not going to make any sense in terms of the overall meal.

Speaker 2 That's fine. But the genie will will grant me whatever I want.
Absolutely. And doesn't judge.
Nope. But I've been known to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we know. Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 Sorry. It's Marmite cheese

Speaker 2 on a crumpet. Oh, my cheese.
There we go. Okay.
Yeah. I'm in heaven right now.
And I just, and I've thought about it. And

Speaker 2 you can be really lofty with this sort of stuff. And I've heard people on this podcast do really intricate, smart stuff.

Speaker 2 But actually, when push comes to shove, I think my favorite food might be Marmite. Yeah.
And so it would be mad not to put it on my dream menu in my dream restaurant. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 So I think a crumpet is sort of underrated.

Speaker 2 I agree. Every time I have a crumpet, I think, why am I not eating this three times a day?

Speaker 2 I think that's what, I think, but I think bread, I think big bread, the big bread corporation relies on that attitude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It does, because the crumpets there going, guys, I'm way better than bread. I suck up so much more stuff.
Yeah. I've got pores.
Yeah. Yeah.
This is like, bread doesn't really have that.

Speaker 2 You might have a whole. Yeah.
But butter tastes nicer on a crumpet. Absolutely.
And butter's already everyone's favorite. It is.

Speaker 2 Life actually would not be worth living without butter. Yeah.
So it has to be proper, salted, ideally French if it's around. Proper, heavy, great cow butter.
Great cow. Great cow butter.

Speaker 2 And then it's lashings of that. It's Marmite on there.
And then you grill the cheese. You're grilling the cheese.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, there's something...

Speaker 2 When I'm thinking of Marmite cheese crumpet, there's something I quite like about hot crumpet, butter on, melts, marmite on, and then cold cheddar.

Speaker 2 The combination of the

Speaker 2 temperature, it melts a little bit, it gets a little bit, I mean, hesitate to use the word sweaty, but I think that's what I mean.

Speaker 2 Yeah, um, just the combination of the, and maybe with like a cheddar that's got those crunchy bits in as well. Yeah, you've got texture, you've got temperature, yeah, but grilled, delicious.

Speaker 2 I want to say yes, and, but it's actually no thanks. Don't want it, you don't want it, no, it's it's it has to be grilled and melted in.

Speaker 2 And actually to the point where you burnt it just enough that the Marmite starts to harden.

Speaker 2 That's the real bit.

Speaker 2 And I could just, if I could eat that every day, I would. But I'd die.
How thick or thin is this Marmite? Oh, it's thin.

Speaker 2 Thin. It's thick, sorry.
It's thin. I don't know why it's up thin.
I panicked. Yeah.
It's thick. You went with the complete opposite of what you meant.
Yeah, in opposite world, it's thin. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But in this world, are we in opposite world or real world? Real world now, yes. Real world now.
It's thick then. Opposite world, it's thin, but in real world, it's thick.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 yeah and it is it's oozing yeah okay i don't think you can have enough mamma i i've i can spoon it in i i agree with you do people look at you in absolute disgust when you put marmite on stuff yeah yeah and i also respect people that don't like it yeah because it is it's an acquired taste yeah marmite it's for the connoisseur and if you don't get it that's fine it's just more for me i want it to sort of sort of hurt the roof of my mouth definitely yeah you need

Speaker 2 that like you can get the marmite sweats yeah yeah you can and i've had it yeah and um it just makes you feel alive doesn't it? Marmite and cheese as well, those combined. Very sweaty.

Speaker 2 But really delicious. Actually, do you know what? I don't want too many people to like Marmite because I converted my wife into a Marmite fan when we met.
She was like, what's this disgusting stuff?

Speaker 2 And now there's never any in the house because she is so on it. Oh, so into it.
You need a private

Speaker 2 private Marmite stash.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I know you said like you respect people who don't like it.
I respect their right not to like it and then they don't like it.

Speaker 2 I don't respect people who make a big deal out of not not liking it and think it's an interesting thing for them to say. Yeah, it's not.

Speaker 2 That annoys me, especially when they say stuff like, I heard something not even that long ago, I say within this calendar year, say quite loudly to their mates, like, well, the thing is with Marmite.

Speaker 2 I go, if you fucking say, you either love it or you hate it. Oh, don't.
You just go home. Like, why do you left the house? Yeah.
And they said it as if it was like a really original thing.

Speaker 2 And everyone's like, obviously no one responded to him around the table like it was interesting. They'd all heard it a billion times.
You're like, how is your personality based off of taglines?

Speaker 2 Also, that you can't, you shouldn't be using.

Speaker 2 I watched that film. It's a bit Marmite, isn't it? Yeah.
You shouldn't be using that. What, brilliant? Yeah.
Do you mean it should be a bad thing?

Speaker 2 Exactly, because

Speaker 2 one man's Marmite is another man's. I don't know.
Dog shit. Whatever the price is.

Speaker 2 That's a new one. There's a new one for good one.
People start saying that.

Speaker 2 That's another man's dog shit. Yeah, huh? They should say that in the adverts.
Yeah. Change love it or hate it to one man's marmite is another man's dog shit.
That

Speaker 2 would get them a lot of attention. Yeah, right.
There you go. And I don't think it would put off people who like Marmite.
Yeah. And the people who don't like it, never going to like it anyway.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And get people talking. Yeah.
Marmite's supposed to be edgy, aren't you? Yeah. Come on.
Come on, guys. Marmite in a bacon.
Ever had it?

Speaker 2 Haven't had that much.

Speaker 2 Haven't had it, but I haven't been got that much on this pod for a while.

Speaker 2 Haven't had it, but would have it.

Speaker 2 But the only reason I'm reluctant, reluctant because you can imagine tastes, can't you? Yep. That's the wonder of the brain, yeah, palate.
Yeah, but I'm imagining for me, it might be double salt.

Speaker 2 It is double salt, but I don't know if in a good way. In a good way, with but with butter in there as well, with slightly toasted bread, spoken like a true diabetic.

Speaker 2 It is phenomenal. Yeah, okay.
So, your butter in any other sauce? Tomatoes? No, I think I've tried

Speaker 2 putting other meso.

Speaker 2 You put loads of meso on there? And soy, soy sauce.

Speaker 2 No, it doesn't need any other sauce. I mean, you could, I guess you could put like a ketchup in there or a sort of sweet chutney or something that might take the edge off the salt.
That's interesting.

Speaker 2 But for me, it's double salt. Is it regularly you having that? Not regularly.
If I have a bacon sandwich at home,

Speaker 2 which isn't regular, I'll pop my mite in. That's what you're doing.
Yeah. I'd say I had bacon and peanut butter sandwiches.
I was eating those. Like Elvis.
Like Elvis. And just imagining the flavour.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I think that works.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Would this be a good new segment for your radio show? Imagine the flavour. Imagine the flavour.
And

Speaker 2 people phone in. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell you something they've eaten and then you go, I'm just imagining the flavour. Okay.
Hello, line one. Who have we got? Hello, ma, ma.
Oh, my name's Keith.

Speaker 2 Huh? Hey, Keith. It's when you do your characters.
Hey, my name is Keith. Hey, Keith, how are you up? What are you doing today? I'm from Bristol.
What do you do for a living, Keith? Oh, I'm a brookie.

Speaker 2 And what you have for your what's in your lunchbox? Not that one. Yeah, actually.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, no, be careful, Greg. You don't want to get get taken off the air.

Speaker 2 In my lunchbox today, Greg, is

Speaker 2 he from? Huh? Where's he from? Bristol.

Speaker 2 Originally, Bristol. Yeah.
Originally, born and bread.

Speaker 2 Greg, in my lunchbox today is a Doritos

Speaker 2 and a burger sauce.

Speaker 2 Let me just check the flavor on that one. Imagine it, please.
Imagining it now. Keith, I don't think that works.
Next. Oh, good day to you.
All the best for the future.

Speaker 2 I think it worked.

Speaker 2 a good new yeah good new feature i have done worse yeah definitely worse features hey greg all the best for the feature oh yeah thanks yeah that's really nice yeah

Speaker 2 dream main course greg my dream main course is uh for the listener every time greg has to choose something he closes his eyes fully i hate it and you squeeze them shut yeah when it's the every time you've got to name your next course anything.

Speaker 2 Well, it's because it's completely eyes shut. It's because it's sort of top of the roller coaster.
Yeah. And then you're down and you can't take it back.
Yeah. And it's out there.

Speaker 2 There's so many options. But I've gone for Fettuccine Alfredo.
Lovely. It is lovely, but it is quite basic.
I realize that. That is one of the dishes I hear.

Speaker 2 about a lot, but I don't actually know what it is. Well, it's very, it's nothing.
It's like, it's just, it's cheese and pasta.

Speaker 2 I think it's what, correct me if I'm wrong, Michael Scott eats before the fun run. Right, right.

Speaker 2 It's been made famous by sort of American stuff. So it's my American Italian dish.

Speaker 2 But I went, me and Bella, my wife, went to Rome for my birthday last year. And we stumbled across.
Happy birthday, Craig. Well, it was ages ago, but thanks.

Speaker 2 Less than a year ago. Closer to the next one.
So

Speaker 2 can I use that for then? Yeah. Generally, happy birthday.
Oh, for the next one, for that one.

Speaker 2 What are you doing for this next one? Well, I want to go back to Rome. Okay.
Mainly for this bowl of pasta.

Speaker 2 So it changed my life and I don't stop thinking about it, which is why it has to be in the dream restaurant. And it's the restaurant it's called Alfredo's.
And

Speaker 2 we stumbled across it and we just looked at it and went, oh, it looks kind of, well, it looks quite weird. We'd sort of read something about it as an option.
We were like, oh, let's go there tonight.

Speaker 2 And we went in and this huge sort of canteen style Italian.

Speaker 2 It just looked like... For me, I love the sopranos.
I love Godfather. All that sort of Italian-y mafi-y stuff.
I'm just into. Yeah.

Speaker 2 my... I'm not doing you in that world.
No, exactly. That's why I like it.
But that's what my dream restaurant is.

Speaker 2 But the dream restaurant. Bada bings.
The dream restaurant for me is that I walk in and I get treated like Tony Soprano. Yeah.
And I've got a special table and I get the double kiss on the cheek.

Speaker 2 Is your dream restaurant in Badder Bings? Probably not in Baddabings, but we go there after. Yeah.
I think we go there after.

Speaker 2 Bella goes home and then I go to Baddabings afterwards. You and Ed Sheer and he's recording something in the corner.

Speaker 2 I'm in Bada Bings.

Speaker 2 Oh, here comes security.

Speaker 2 Fellas, let me explain.

Speaker 2 I'm in the halakha.

Speaker 2 Laying on a pile of rubbish.

Speaker 2 Oh, an idea just popped into my head. I'm playing with my wiggles, sitting on the rubbish, looking around out.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You wore me once, I know. The police.
It's Craig's birthday. It's Craig's birthday.
He's asked me to turn up. Sorry.
Sorry. No, no, no, no, no.
I went to Alfredo's.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, so Alfredo's is that sort of place.

Speaker 2 On the wall, there are loads of famous people, but like top end famous people, Sophia Loren, Marilyn Monroe, proper old, all the crooners, you've got ex-presidents. And they've been there.

Speaker 2 All been there. Right.
And they all have been there. But this place has been going since, like an iteration of it has been going since the late 1800s.

Speaker 2 Originally, Alfredo was the guy. And it was passed on to his son and then his son.

Speaker 2 So now it's like the third or fourth iteration it's been there since the 50s since post-war and it's been like it's an institution and that is where they invented he invented Peppicini Alfredo that's mad it's not the most it's not the most adventurous dish but it's sort of become legendary in popular culture I guess and I was having the actual one in the place and I was sort of I was a sucker for being I was I was being a tourist about it and I loved it and they came over and said join it with Gold Leaf I went yeah you did it I did it as extra 10 euro

Speaker 2 it was I was fleeced and added to nothing. Not really.
Flavour-wise. But they come over and they do, they've like they assemble it in front of you.

Speaker 2 They bring out a chariot of Fescini Alfredo and they mix in the butter in front of your eyes. Oh, that's good.
It's already got butter, cream, pecorino, parmesan.

Speaker 2 And they put another load of butter in it and they toss it in front of your eyes. Right.

Speaker 2 And you're just like, this is. So that's all it is.
It's just like, it's...

Speaker 2 cream and cheese basically and butter and yeah but it's but it's unbelievable yeah and i a cheese-based life is a great life correct? And that's that's how I like to live it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and there's a guy playing the piano in the background, just sort of doing covers. It was really nice, it was Christmas time.
People started getting up and doing Christmas songs.

Speaker 2 I went up and did a song because I had a bottle of wine. You went and did a song? Yeah, Bella sort of said, Go and do a song when you want to.
I went, No, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 And I immediately got up and did White Christmas. White Christmas.
It was the best. What goes with the pasta? White Christmas.
Yeah. It goes with the pasta.
It does.

Speaker 2 I was so

Speaker 2 like heavy when I was singing. It was like burping through White Christmas.

Speaker 2 I imagine you've got like an undone bow tie on. Yeah, yeah.
I've always brought these.

Speaker 2 But everyone clapped and said it was the best thing ever because you're the boss. You're the mafia boss.
They didn't actually clap, though. Yeah.
And the waiters came over.

Speaker 2 No, they actually. No, no, no.
I know we're having a laugh, but they did actually clap. No, I'm not having a laugh.

Speaker 2 They clapped. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they did. They did clap.

Speaker 2 They're still clapping, but they're probably still talking about that guy that came in. Sounds delicious.
Did Bella have the same thing? She did, yeah, but she didn't go for the gold leaf.

Speaker 2 Oh, right, fair enough. She's weak.
Yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was just, it's one of those dishes that I just, I think about all the time, just when I'm feeling

Speaker 2 sad. But also, like, you say you're being a tourist about it, but really, as a tourist, you do sometimes know when you've been done.
Yeah. And

Speaker 2 you've fallen into a tourist trick. And if you genuinely think about this dish all the time, it must have been pretty amazing.
To the point where I want to go back just for that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Bella's like, you can't go back just for the dish. I went, well,

Speaker 2 there's other stuff in Rome, but it's nice to have something guaranteed that you know you're going to love. There's other stuff, but I think this is the best bit about it.
Yeah, I want to go.

Speaker 2 Spanish steps, Coliseum. Nah.
Best Gini Alfredo. Thank you.
Main thing I learned in Rome was what arena means. That was it.
And it means sand, sand, sands. Sands.
When they go to the Coliseum.

Speaker 2 Sands Sans Sands. Sand-san sands.
Sands. The sands.
Or the sands. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sands. Are you saying sands? What word do you say? Yeah.
Like sand.

Speaker 2 Oh, sand. Okay.
Plural. Sands.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 I think sand is the plural of sand. Yeah, but they would say sands, the sands.
We're going to the sands. Why do you keep saying that? We're never going to the Coliseum.

Speaker 2 Because the floor of it was sand.

Speaker 2 So they would say we're going to the sands. Yeah.
And then that was.

Speaker 2 I hate Rome now. Yeah.
I also don't think you learned this. I did

Speaker 2 on the guided tour.

Speaker 2 You don't seem sure that you've learned something there.

Speaker 2 On the guided tour, they said it.

Speaker 2 And then last week, I was in Valencia, and there was a hotel nearby called Las Arenas or whatever. And I was like, that means the sands.
Yeah. So I retained that.

Speaker 2 And you were with your partner, and she went, yeah, I know. I was there as well.
Yeah, she was. It was weird telling her that.

Speaker 2 She was like, I actually am going to definitely go back to Rome just to do this and have the Alfredo. Go to the guided tour again.
And when they're about to say that fact, just shout it over them.

Speaker 2 The sands.

Speaker 2 When it's the sands, it makes the sands.

Speaker 2 It's crazy, though, the Coliseum. What a life.
It is, but it's.

Speaker 2 We actually went there this year. I've been to Rome a couple of times, but we hadn't done that bit.
And I thought, well, I've done the pasta. Let's go and do the other basic thing.

Speaker 2 And what I found amazing was the smoking area at the Coliseum.

Speaker 2 It's out there. I don't remember this.
There's like a little, there's a sad little smoking bit

Speaker 2 down the bottom bit of the Coliseum, but famously, no roof. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 why are you putting everyone? Yeah. It just feels pathetic.
And it's sort of in a, what probably was like a jail bit or a gale. yeah.

Speaker 2 And uh, where they used to keep the tigers and stuff, yeah, but now they keep the smokers there, yeah, and so they're all just sitting there, but sort of behind bars almost, yeah, and you've got to watch everyone else just going around the top bit, and then they release one every now and again to kill a Christian, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, you've been, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've got another bit of my mane. Am I allowed? Yeah, that's the genius of it.

Speaker 2 That's a full-time thing.

Speaker 2 Also, I wouldn't mind hearing some of these the honourable munchions the things that you potentially were going to pick because you were you were struggling to pick the main well that's why i've gone for you're trying to hack it i'm trying to hack it yeah let's hear it okay my side but i'm also part of my main you decide genie i've got two things that i really want on the menu okay and i don't know where they go okay first one is pizza for the table

Speaker 2 interesting look You are absolutely preaching to the converted here because James loves for the table. I love for the table.
This is Mr. for the the table.

Speaker 2 If he was in Chuckle Brothers, that would be his name. Hello, Mr.
for the table. I'll be glad to be called that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you doing pizza for the table? I'll let you do pizza for the table because I think that's a nice thing. Is this the side or is this? I am going to start off.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have to hear who else is at the table. Oh, yeah.
Oh. Well, it's sort of just me.

Speaker 2 Then no. And you.

Speaker 2 Me and you. Split.
He's working. I'm working.

Speaker 2 I want it there to be at least. There's three people.
There's three. It's fun people.
Bella's there. Yeah, just before you forget that you're.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Bella's there. I've just got good, good mates.
Fun time. Kearns? Kearns is there.
Kearns is there eating. Yeah, Cahill's there.
There you go. Yeah,

Speaker 2 fun people are there. Bella, Kearns and Cahill.
It's fun people. I'll accept that.
Yeah, yeah. John's eating, what did he order at the Pat Stag? Heart and lungs.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's still vomiting about it now. Yeah, yeah.
I'll go for the offal, Prince.

Speaker 2 Heart and lungs. Yeah, so they're all there.
How about

Speaker 2 the table? What's on the pizza? Well, I'm having a bit of a moment with

Speaker 2 this. This might also be quite basic, and I, because you're quite forward-thinking with you.
You know, you've tried it all, haven't you? You two. But

Speaker 2 you have. You've been there.
You've been around the block.

Speaker 2 It's pepperoni, but with

Speaker 2 honey. The hot honey.
Hot honey. I've not tried this.

Speaker 2 It sounds lovely. Yeah, it's hot.
Yeah. I just think it's really great.
I'm sort of against it in principle. And then whenever I have it, I'm like, it does work actually.

Speaker 2 It's spicy honey. Like, hot

Speaker 2 hot chili honey with pepper, with pepperoni and just really gooey sort of i ideally it's buffalo mozzarella king of mozzarellas i guess but actually a classic pizza for the table might just be a margarita with with basil and buffalo mozzarella as a sort of palate class so your main thing here is just that you want pizza for the table not that there's a specific pizza you want to get in your yeah i think

Speaker 2 when you're when you're younger you are you are sort of you're taught that it's either pasta or pizza but that's bollocks yeah when you're grown up you can kind of do anything you like yes and i'm having Alfredo and I'm having a pizza.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think because they go together, it feels like that's a main, right? Plus the pizza. Yeah, especially if one of them is to the table.
And the pizza is sort of

Speaker 2 the one that the teenage mutant hero turtles might have had. You know, like big, that big floppy, kind of lovely American-y pizza.
Gooey and there's gooey and bit like dripping off the end.

Speaker 2 You've got to get it in the mouth quickly, otherwise it'll flop. I guess that's like formative pizza memories.
Yeah, that's Home Alone, I guess. Yeah.
Yeah. Which is like

Speaker 2 delicious cheese pizza just for me. That sort of thing.
That pizza. So it's that.

Speaker 2 But not the pizza at the beginning of Home Alone that Buzz crams into his mouth, which is a cheese pizza again because it's Kevin's pizza. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But the way that Buzz puts it all his mouth is one of the most and then

Speaker 2 Buzz gets hit and spews it all up.

Speaker 2 I hate Buzz. Yeah.
I know you're supposed to, but I'm really hating him. I struggle with him because apparently I look like him.
Used to. Fuck, you do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you want pizza for the table?

Speaker 2 I believe there was another hack coming up. Well, it wasn't that it was a, yes, because I've got to close my eyes again because I'm worried about this.

Speaker 2 Because this is this is it this is like definitive I can't go back on this but I also want a secret steak

Speaker 2 and a secret steak is a steak that I have away from my wife who is I'm sort of I'm sort of vegetarian by marriage

Speaker 2 you've married into vegetarians I have married into vegetarians

Speaker 2 and I like a the vast majority of it yeah

Speaker 2 actually the truth is I do chicken and fish but red meat i don't really do yeah but i do go and have secret steak bella's not gonna listen to this by the way i think that's unsafe. Nah.
What?

Speaker 2 It's a good podcast. It's a great podcast.
But she's not, I don't think, you know, she's not going to listen to me. She's going to listen to your book promo.
No. No, exactly.

Speaker 2 I've even forgotten about that book. Do you listen to her book promo? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, there you go.
But she's not like that. She's actually, you know, she's cool.
She is really cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she is cool. Yeah.
But she's also vegetarian, which has its problems for me because I do like, every now and then I do like a steak. So I'll go out for a secret steak with my cousin.

Speaker 2 I love this with your cousin. You're going to love that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love this with your cousin. Yeah, so we go, in fact, we've put one in for a couple of weeks.
Where do you go for your secret steak?

Speaker 2 Well, we like Hawks more, yeah, we do like Hawksmore, we do, we do, we like Hawks more, actually. Yes, no,

Speaker 2 yeah, me and Derek like Hawks more. Um, my cousin's called Guy.
Does he call you cousin Greg? Uh, yeah, well, I am his cousin Greg, and actually, succession was a fucking nightmare for Greg's.

Speaker 2 Succession is an absolute because

Speaker 2 all the dickheads are Greg's in every show. Yeah, Joe Lysett, in Joe Lysett's last stand-up tour,

Speaker 2 the estate agent character, which sets the whole premise up, is called Greg.

Speaker 2 And I had to interview him for it, with this thing for his DVD thing. And the first question was, well, the fuck, you could have chosen any other dickhead name.
And you chose Greg. But

Speaker 2 it's a bad name. It's a good punch.

Speaker 2 Well, when I think about it, it doesn't suit you. Great.
I take that. I don't want to be it.
It's crazy that you're called Greg. It is stupid.
As I'm thinking about it now. Why am I?

Speaker 2 I think I'd look at you and I'd just think, James, what's your surname? James would work. I think if you were called James Gregg, so I'd be like, okay.
There's a James Gregg, works for Five Live.

Speaker 2 That's so confusing. Do you ever get emails? Are we meant for each other? Yeah, I don't read the emails.
But

Speaker 2 he is

Speaker 2 sort of like the evil, my evil twin, I guess.

Speaker 2 I'm an evil twin. I don't know.
Yeah, he's like dark timeline Greg James. Nice man, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 he appears to be a nice man. But yeah, so

Speaker 2 I'm cousin Greg and I go out with cousin Guy for a secret steak. But what I do like is that Italian, you know, the thinly sliced one with, you put rosemary and salt on it.

Speaker 2 Is it like a taggly, tagliata? Tagliata?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I like that one.
So that would be good. So it would be a secret steak.
Maybe I have to go out

Speaker 2 the back to eat it if that's there. Yeah, yeah.
I'll stash it somewhere in the restaurant for you.

Speaker 2 So you can go and get it. Yeah.
I have little pieces. Just behind a plant pot.
So people walk around, actually. I'm just going to stretch the best.

Speaker 2 Help yourself to the table, pizza and i'm gonna i'll be back in a sec

Speaker 2 over by the plant pot yeah like like mrs doubtfire you're like running between tables yeah exactly that's me yeah

Speaker 2 have you ever had um fiorentina steak what's on that so it's like a i think it's often like a t-bone but they basically like really scorch the outside they really go for it and it's quite rare in the middle and that's a that's a lovely steak that's that sounds nice there's a restaurant in chelsea called la familia which has like been there for decades which is a good vibe if you want Do they give you two kisses?

Speaker 2 That sort of place? They could do. I'd imagine if you lent in, they'd have obliged you.
They'd oblige you. No, I want the same guy in first.
See what happens.

Speaker 2 I think the dream is that

Speaker 2 I want people to fear me because they don't. But in the dream restaurant, they look at me with fear and they're like respect, but they know that I could and have killed.

Speaker 2 And you could destroy their business.

Speaker 2 Be completely honest with you, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 There's been many, many times, we have done over 300 episodes of this podcast where guests have said, and I want to utilize the genius magic by doing this.

Speaker 2 And I've always been like, Yep, of course, I'm a genie, I can do that. That is the first one you being feared by people that I've thought I don't think that's possible.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm going to be able to make this happen. And remember, he said, Don't take this the wrong way, so you're not allowed to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so like, I don't think even using my genie powers, I can make a situation where you walk into the restaurant and the guests fear you enough that they want to suck up to you and be nice to you.

Speaker 2 And the proprietor. And the proprietor.

Speaker 2 I can't,

Speaker 2 even with magic, I don't know how I meant to do that. Okay, how about this?

Speaker 2 How about you've, within the dream restaurant world, you've started a new feature on the show, on your radio show, where you absolutely destroy restaurants and it becomes incredibly influential. Okay.

Speaker 2 And it genuinely has restaurants shut down. Right.
Which you could do in real life. Yeah, you know, you're giving me fire in my belly for this.
Yeah. You've got fire in your belly, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I would say you're a useless fucking genie. That's what I would say.
Do you fear me now? Yeah. No, I mean, the cameras were filming this.
I was delighted that you said that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No one's ever said that before. I was like, yes.
Well, he did it. He said, he said, useless fucking genie.
He wouldn't even criticise Taylor Swift for crying earlier. Now I've got him.
You're worse.

Speaker 2 He's cracked. I am worse.
Greg might have to interview Taylor Swift. You can't be agreeing with you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, almost certainly.

Speaker 2 For the record, I hope this goes on the record. Yeah.
I think she's great. He's

Speaker 2 He's recording.

Speaker 2 So I know you're like,

Speaker 2 you also didn't improvise any Ed Sheeran songs earlier either. You just let us do that.
No, I didn't either. It was you talking about Ed Sheera's winkle for five times.

Speaker 2 Don't think I mentioned his winkle at any point.

Speaker 3 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

Speaker 4 My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 3 I promise you're going to laugh.

Speaker 5 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 5 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 6 Okay, what you can't do is point at someone else.

Speaker 7 My thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 9 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 5 Terms apply.

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Be 21.

Speaker 2 Your dream drink. My dream drink is just a big bottle of red wine.
Yeah, it has to be with this meal. Washing it all down, just make until I'm sick.
Yeah. Oh, nice.
It's Barolo. It's your Brunello.

Speaker 2 It's your Brunello's. It's your Barolos.
It's your Monte Pulciano's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. It's your big, big, beefy Italians.
Yeah. That's it.
Do you have a

Speaker 2 specific one that you liked? Or do you remember the best bottle of wine you've had?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like just a whatever the most, most, if you're being fancy, the most expensive Brunello you can find in a shop is always just unbelievable. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's like, this is, I had to drink this every day now. This is my stuff, but you can't.
And then you wake up the next morning and you go, I can't ever drink this. It's way too heavy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wish so hard that I liked wine.

Speaker 2 You like wine a bit? I like it a bit, but not enough. to talk about it as regularly as we do on this shit.
No.

Speaker 2 I should have picked something else. Every time it comes up, you know,

Speaker 2 you got to pick your your favourite. Yeah, and I'm glad that you did.
As soon as you said it, I thought, oh, fuck this. Must have leave.
You're having secret steak. I'm a huge fucking guy.

Speaker 2 Secret steak, pasta, pizza for the table, those tomatoes and the cheese and everything. It all just goes, it goes really well, but also really badly.

Speaker 2 I mean, you're going to be really feeling that tomorrow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's some real Gaviscon territory. Yeah, it really is.
So almost like have it before dinner and then one after. Gaviscon.
Yeah. Yeah.
Swig before. Yeah.
Tablet halfway through. Swig at the end.

Speaker 2 Secret one in the room? Do you want me to put a secret one? Secret Gaviscon. So Bella doesn't see? Cut in the back.

Speaker 2 Bella cut the back. You've married into a non-Gaviscon marriage, haven't you? Yeah, famously.
No, definitely not. She's big Gavascon, isn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She is.

Speaker 2 I think the big difference between your 20s and 30s is there's a lot more Gavascon in the house. It's kind of the main.
Yeah, we're a Rennie's household. You're a Rennie's guy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm very rarely a Rennie's guy, but my wife is a big Rennie's guy. Yeah, Bella's more Renny than Gavascon.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She is more Renny, actually, come to think of it. I'm more Gaviscon, max strength.
We're neither, but

Speaker 2 great levels of discomfort all the time. Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 I don't want to paint with broad brushstrokes, but white ladies' stomachs be popping. You know, there's a lot going on there.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Fair to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fair to say, maybe that's why Taylor Swift cries every night.

Speaker 2 Fair enough. Is there no wine that you're into, really? Like, what's the...
It's got to be something. Well, this is the worst thing.

Speaker 2 Through doing this podcast and being friends of Ed, every now and again, been treated to a really nice, fancy wine.

Speaker 2 And yeah, yeah, I have one of those and go, oh, this is incredible. And then I discover, oh, the only wine I like is extortionate, like absolutely mad,

Speaker 2 expensive wine that is literally the best that absolutely everyone who drank it would love it because it's that good. And anything else, I'm like, this is going to be a trudge to get through this.

Speaker 2 And I have the first sip and go, oh, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. So you've just got really expensive taste, basically.
Got to get through all of this wine. And I wish I just ordered a juice or something.

Speaker 2 I wish I just said I got any apple juice or something like that. Yeah.
This is going to be difficult. What about

Speaker 2 there must be like an orange wine? Have you tried there? Yeah, orange wines.

Speaker 2 If there is an orange wine on the menu, if all they've got is wine, because sometimes that's when they could go, here's the wine list. And I go, right, I'm going to find the cocktail page.

Speaker 2 I'm like, well, that's not in here. Jesus Christ, please no.
Please don't say it's just wine. And they're like, yeah, it is.
And then I'm immediately looking for the orange wine. Right.

Speaker 2 And just trying to find orange wines. If that's not on there, then I'm really.
The other night, I went to a place, and it was, that was the scenario.

Speaker 2 And it looked like it read as it was an orange wine, whatever it was called. Probably had the word orange in it.
I was like, I'll have that. And they were like, okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. They were a little bit confused.
They bought it back. And they were like, there you go.
I took a sip. I was like, is that, is that sherry?

Speaker 2 If I just ordered it, they're like, yep, you've got a massive glass of sherry and that was very difficult for me all night to be fair a lot of natural wines and orange wines sometimes take on some of the taste properties of sherry i think well this was massive yeah it was like a massive glass of sherry and i had to tap out and say to them i'm so sorry but i'm not i love sherry there's no way i can finish this sherry it's tough a sherry

Speaker 2 I could do a little sherry. A sherry, I'm not really, it's just very my nan and it was very like.
But sherry's cool now. But is it cool? Yeah, because sherry's cool.
Well, my nan was cool. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, she was sort of, she was a mad little Welsh lady. Just

Speaker 2 the only drink she had.

Speaker 2 I mean if she did off menu which would be insane because she's dead and would never have wanted to do it anyway. But if she does come on well she's not a podcast.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just say

Speaker 2 yeah she said so that would be mad and also it's mad because we wouldn't just have someone's nan on right those are the two madness how many nans it doesn't have to be that she wouldn't have done it

Speaker 2 how many people's nans have you had on how many nans we must have had someone's nan. Oh as many as we've asked I'd say yeah

Speaker 2 how many have you asked? Zero. Right.
We wouldn't have asked your fucking Nan, is what we're saying to you.

Speaker 2 She'd make it out like she would turn us down. She would.
She wouldn't do it anyway. But her whole menu would be Sherry.

Speaker 2 I didn't really see her eat food. Yeah, yeah.
And or drink anything else. It was just sherry.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She would just drink little, just little glass of sherry, but she'd be like, oh, I just have a little one. But it was like 15 little ones.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So it was the end of the, and it would always be, is it Bristol cream? Is that what?

Speaker 2 So when Nan was coming over, it'd be like, oh, my mum would say to my dad, go out and you better go and get some Bristol cream for Nan.

Speaker 2 I was like, Maybe I should get into Sherry, runs in the family, maybe. That's what I should have had in the lunchbox earlier.

Speaker 2 The guy from Bristol should have had some cream in there.

Speaker 2 Just cream, just cream.

Speaker 2 What are you having for lunch, Keith? Just some cream.

Speaker 2 My lunchbox is full of cream, girl. I'd be fading Keith down.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 just some cream because I'd think he's about to say something disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Boom. Faded down.
Just imagining that. Yeah, that's very nice.
Thank you. Bye, Keith.
Thanks a lot. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is there cheering?

Speaker 2 is there any

Speaker 2 is there any in particular you remember having to fade down over the years where oh loads that was a real close call it was going to be really bad oh there's loads but most of them have most of them have gone badly but you can you know like a i guess it's like a heckler yeah you hopefully you can sort of style it out a bit yeah but we we can't just do that and then they're they go quiet that would be amazing yeah but also it's not being broadcast to quite a few few people.

Speaker 2 And in the room, like the dreamer. There's quite a few people.
No, loads of people. No, I'm not saying that you're very, both of you are very successful.

Speaker 2 Even more so after this podcast.

Speaker 2 This particular one. This absolutely.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. But what I mean is everyone in that room is sort of up for you to

Speaker 2 get away with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whereas you've got a lot of people who are sort of casually listening on the way to school with their kids are on the way to school and you've got someone.

Speaker 2 But when I was on the early breakfast show, this was when I first started a couple of years before I met you. Brilliant.
I met you, Rice.

Speaker 2 Nice to meet you.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 You're not fading that down.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I want to hear that up as loud as it'll go. I want to hear more from you.
Get it in the red. Nice to meet you.
Ed's my favourite listener ever. It's peaking.

Speaker 2 And I'd just go, it was rice to meet you too, Ed. To meet you, Rice, you'd say.
Yeah. Imagine Bruce Worsyth had like workshopped it.
Yeah. And had gone,

Speaker 2 I'm thinking of doing a catch phase. It's either nice to meet you or rice to meet you and they'd gone probably go nice i think rice would be good

Speaker 2 rice to meet you to meet you right

Speaker 2 especially if he met anniker rice oh yeah i bet he did it i bet he must have done it i bet he did it yeah oh i bet he did it every time he went for a curry like if he went out for a curry with test daily after strictly i bet he went rice to meet you meet you rice to meet you rice yes thank you thank you

Speaker 2 my my when i

Speaker 2 got my first agent yeah in london he took me out for a curry and and it was quite a posh curry and they all had this really lovely white crisp, or the waiter's white, crisp uniform.

Speaker 2 And my agent's like regular gag, I realised since telling people, is that he'd give the menu back and go, thank you, doctor.

Speaker 2 That was a thing. Because it had

Speaker 2 like a doctor's coat on it.

Speaker 2 Thank you, doctor.

Speaker 2 Thank you, doctor. Love that.
I love little restaurant jokes. Bad restaurant jokes are my favourite sorts of jokes, I think.
Yeah. Yeah.
My dad's quite good at that. He did one.

Speaker 2 Does he do when you've cleared your plate, when the waiter comes over to take the plate, does he do?

Speaker 2 He didn't like us.

Speaker 2 Oh, great. That's a good one.

Speaker 2 My dad always,

Speaker 2 when we go out somewhere, the rule is that he will always order what Henry VIII would have ordered. It's always the biggest, the heaviest thing.
Yeah. And

Speaker 2 he ordered pork belly. And the waitress came over once and they went, pork belly? He went, that's a bit rude.
Yeah, yeah, it's good. It's good, but

Speaker 2 it only just works. Love it.
It does. Only just works.
It's great. I mean, that's what you want.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It just works. Yeah.
By a thread of sense. Anytime, like, you can do the kind of joke, go, what did you call me? I love that.
Yeah. I love what did you call me? No, I've never met her.

Speaker 2 I'm doing that at the minute quite a lot. I'm getting a lot of joy out of this.
And I don't know if anyone else is, but C-Mat's new album and new song is called Euro Country. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so on the radio, I'm going, Euro Country. Yeah.
What'd you call me?

Speaker 2 I like that. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.
Yeah. It's fun just to say something on the radio.
She knows. She knows what she's doing.
Absolutely. 100%.

Speaker 2 Speaking Speaking of which, that's what I was about to talk about. At four o'clock in the morning, we used to do a thing where we'd take calls live to air.
This was in sort of 2008.

Speaker 2 A crazy decision, if I may say, it was crazy, but it was fun because it was four in the morning. Loads of fun people were listening, and just we just pick it up and just be.

Speaker 2 And it was, we did a maybe eight months of it, and it was really fun. You'd always get some, you'd get Keith calling up saying, I'm drinking cream or whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But there was one guy just, I went, hello, line two. And he just went, Can't

Speaker 2 Of course. And my producer just went, oh,

Speaker 2 we had such a good run. It was so good.
And that was it. It was banned.
Banned. Banned, banned, banned.
No, no calls live to air. That was it.
That was the end of it. And more recently,

Speaker 2 we did a feature called Cowboy Time. Was that like penis time? No, not like penis time.
Put the penis away. It was at 10 to 10.
So it's 10 to 10 to 10, 10, 10. So cowboy time is the thing.

Speaker 2 Someone suggested that we did it every day. Yeah, yeah.
I I don't know. You run out, as I said, similarly.
You run out of ideas, yeah.

Speaker 2 Returnable features. That's what we do.

Speaker 2 So we did it every day. It was really fun.
We just call back a random number that was just had text in that day.

Speaker 2 And nine times out of ten, brilliant. Everyone going, oh, I'm on.
And they'd go, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't,

Speaker 2 but one morning, this guy picked up the phone and I went, Lewis, are you there? It was rustling.

Speaker 2 I was hovering over the fader going, yeah, what's he doing here? It was rustling. And then he'd obviously got a phone or something and held it up to

Speaker 2 the other phone. And he was just playing porn.

Speaker 2 He was playing the porn noise that they got lineker with.

Speaker 2 They got lineker with. You know the line?

Speaker 2 That lineker got got by porn. There was a, someone strapped a phone to the back of the sofa on FA Cup or something and it was just going, ah,

Speaker 2 ah!

Speaker 2 And the guy called up radio one and did that to me.

Speaker 2 That's not as funny as the cunt guy. No, it's not as funny.

Speaker 2 And a lot more effort. Yeah.
And a lot more thinking you're going to be funny on the lead up to it. Yeah.
But actually not naturally naturally a funny person.

Speaker 2 Whoever that person is, if you're listening, you have not got funny bones. Yes.
But the cunk guy. The cunk guy has.
Definitely.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Really funny to say it like that.
Yeah. Someone told me that it was then used in a sort of training module.

Speaker 2 And that's the dream, isn't it? It is the dream, yeah. And I bet the cunk guy doesn't tell that story to people.
Just

Speaker 2 another funny thing that he did. And I bet the porn guy tells everyone as if it was the funniest thing ever.
He told me. The porn guy.
Oh, you met him. DM'd me.

Speaker 2 and he said that was me greg

Speaker 2 find it funny no no it's my job find that funny of course not i'm at work he turned up the weird thing about that is that he turned up at radio one's big weekend he got tickets to it and he was down with this little platform we're doing the show from and he was down saying i'm i'm the guy it's me yeah exactly just raised the middle finger to him yeah yeah got him can't see that on the radio got him got him got him

Speaker 2 Your dream dessert. My dream dessert is, I actually haven't featured eggs much in this today, but I'm quite egg-based.
You shouted out Turkish eggs early. Yeah, Turkish.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'm quite egg-based, and I do like a post-show egg, but I didn't think it was, it wasn't enough for me. But flan is where I get my eggs in.

Speaker 2 And I don't know if you're aware of the proper

Speaker 2 French flan.

Speaker 2 The sort of

Speaker 2 wobbly,

Speaker 2 almost like creme caramel consistency. Consistency?

Speaker 2 Consistency-ish. Yeah.
But there's a very specific sort of French. I think it's called

Speaker 2 flan Parisienne or something, which I imagine is Parisian flan. Yes.
But it's insane.

Speaker 2 It's very eggy. It's quite wobbly.
Yeah. And it has to be quite cheap.
It has to be from a supermarket. It has to be from your super-ooze, your hyper-us, your e-leclercs, that sort of thing.

Speaker 2 And it feels like it's been made by a machine,

Speaker 2 but it's absolutely delicious. And I just.
I just would eat that every day as well.

Speaker 2 I mean, this whole meal is death, isn't it? This is, this this is a death meal, really. Your arteries are going, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 But I think the flan is the really important part of French culture. And we don't have it here.
You just don't, you cannot find it. You can't find the right stuff.
And actually, my

Speaker 2 aforementioned Bella, who loves Rennies, also loves making, like, trying to perfect the perfect flan. And it took her three years.
Wow, but she just about did it. Just about.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I'm talking about? This flan stuff. No,

Speaker 2 you're thinking it. Like an egg custard-ish.
Yeah. But then turn left at egg custard.
Yeah. Yeah.
But avoid creme caramel. Right.
That's exactly it. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 That's a fucking cheesecake. It looks a bit like.
It looks like a basket. It looks like a basque, but tastes nothing like a basque.
It's much eggier. It's much more wobbly.

Speaker 2 It's got a cheap sort of layer of pastry at the bottom, which is kind of soft. I'm with you.
But the middle of it is just unbelievable. Vanilla flavoured?

Speaker 2 Vanilla flavoured, eggy, and very, very sugary, very soft. Very extreme.
Yeah. Well, I really think you'd love it.
Yeah, well, I love an egg custard. Yeah, me too.

Speaker 2 If it's like the ultimate high-end egg custard. I don't know if it's high-end.
I think it's a relative of.

Speaker 2 There's more of it. You get a lot more of it.
Like Guy and Greg, like related? Yeah. Like about that distance?

Speaker 2 It's an egg custard cousin. Egg cousin cousin.
Oh, custard cousins is the... Custard cousins? Yeah, we can't say that.
Egg cousins, also. Custard Cousins is like a sex thing.
Is it? Yeah. Cousin Egg.

Speaker 2 Cousin Egg. This is a much...
Much nicer, isn't it? Much more wholesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, so that's ruined flan, isn't it?

Speaker 2 But that's my, uh that's my favourite that would be my favorite thing and i could eat a whole it comes in triangles yeah or a slab you can get a whole slab sort of like two or three foot like a log

Speaker 2 log it's like a log yeah a cat of a caterpillar a flan flaterpillar flatterpillar flatterpillar we call it colin caterpillar because it's like no you want

Speaker 2 like a french name really but I don't know any French names being with C. French for Colin.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what is French for Colin? I bet it doesn't exist. You You know how people say there's not a German word for fluffy or that, just a joking black adder.
But like French is probably not a

Speaker 2 Colin. Colleen.
Colleen. Colleen.
Colleen is probably...

Speaker 2 That's Benito's car.

Speaker 2 See, Greg, when we have

Speaker 2 a professional radio host on,

Speaker 2 they know that they have to translate for Benito as well. Yes.
Because we know Benito's not going to put himself in the edit, so we have to say what he says.

Speaker 2 But you're the first guest who's caught onto that without having to be told. Right.
And it's like, okay, Benito said it. I should repeat it to the microphone.

Speaker 2 Because he's not going to include himself in the edit.

Speaker 2 Well, look, you two know that I am a fan of YouTube and this podcast, but I have the most amount of respect in the world for people who produce audio. The producers are, oh my God.

Speaker 2 Immediately meeting Benito, I was like, this guy, this guy is amazing. He's a legend.
Yeah, he is. Yeah.
It's his project, really.

Speaker 2 We're just living in it. We haven't even brought up Longboy.
We haven't even talked about Longboy. Oh, my God.
You know, and as it was going on, I was like, I'm I'm loving this episode.

Speaker 2 It's going really well. And

Speaker 2 I'm not going to halt the rhythm to talk about Longboy. Because we have to explain Longboy to us.
There's a Longboy chapter in the book, actually.

Speaker 2 In fact, you feature. Have you got the book there? Can I read

Speaker 2 behind you?

Speaker 2 Oh, well. It's in the book.

Speaker 2 You're in the book as well. Yes.

Speaker 2 Hang on. In fact.

Speaker 2 For the listeners, Longboy was a duck that Greg and all of his listeners were very obsessed with. The world was.
The world was

Speaker 2 mainly Greg and his listeners.

Speaker 2 And the duck passed away, but then a rumour started that Ed Gamble had eaten Long Boy The Duck

Speaker 2 British menu. Because it was a runner duck.
There was runner duck on the menu. It was a really delicious.
Yeah, there was duck neck. It was a really delicious menu.

Speaker 2 So that's when you were on the breakfast show. I called in.
You called in to give a character witness of him. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And you said something like, and he'd eat again.

Speaker 2 He wants to eat Pudzy. That's what I remember.
Yeah, CCA. I was going to eat Puds.
He was a Pudzy Bear. Yeah, yeah.
He was going to eat Pudsy Bear. That's why I can't remember.
But why? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was around children in need type of thing. Well, because

Speaker 2 he was an innocent animal. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I think I said I was going to eat Barney. And I was

Speaker 2 replying to a picture you put of Barney on Instagram with a knife and fork emoji. So then what we...

Speaker 2 Did you photo?

Speaker 2 In my memory, you photoshopped a salt and pepper shaker on the bottom of the bottle.

Speaker 2 But it was a villain.

Speaker 2 You played the villain so well. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, look, people don't fear me, but they do fear gambling. Yeah, absolutely.
Definitely. Yeah.
I mean, I fear him. Especially animals.

Speaker 2 But um you featured in we did this um

Speaker 2 maybe the best thing i'll i'll ever do was that i did a a state funeral yes live on the breakfast show for the duck yeah and we did the lord's prayer and you you were in it deliver us from ed gamble for thine is the kingdom your long neck the glory forever and ever our friend as we forgive hoisins as we forgive those who hoisinned against you exactly

Speaker 2 yeah worth it yeah worth the whole journey of like speaking about him for years for that when you get that line you go there you go there you go the Ed Gamble reference is because there was a strong rumor that he ate Longboy on an episode of The Great British Menu.

Speaker 2 He has never denied this and, in fact, fanned the flames of it by saying he'd like to eat Pudzy from Children in Need and then My Dog.

Speaker 2 And then I say, page 238, he's a fucking monster and isn't to be trusted.

Speaker 2 That said, I do really like his podcast off-menu. And look, here we are.
That's good. There we go.
There you go. He's not hearing a shout-out for me.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 James didn't listen to a single word that you said there because he was waiting for his own menu. Furthermore,

Speaker 2 he's making this up.

Speaker 2 I also like James Aiken.

Speaker 2 Yes, the end.

Speaker 2 Available now. Go out and buy it.
Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. James is going to read your menu back to you.
It really was a pleasure. Thank you.

Speaker 2 You like tap water and no shame should be attached to that. Thank you.
You want poppadoms. You want marmite cheese on a crumpet as your starter, grilled cheese.

Speaker 2 Main course fettuccine and Alfredo from Alfredo's in Rome. Side dish, a secret steak, and you want pizza for the table.
With cousin Greg. I'm sorry, cousin Guy.
Cousin Guy will be there.

Speaker 2 Who calls Greg Cousin Greg? Yeah.

Speaker 2 For the secret steak. But round the table is Bella, Cahill and Cohns.

Speaker 2 Drink a big bottle of Brunello and dessert. Flan Parisian.

Speaker 2 Beautiful. I'm happy.
That's good.

Speaker 2 That does sound nice, Greg. That is a Gaviscon meal.

Speaker 2 Yeah, sponsored by... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're bookending it with some Gabbies, but like,

Speaker 2 that's a very nice noise. But

Speaker 2 it won't surprise anyone. The flannel is what I want the most there.
Greg, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. It's been wonderful to have you.
Thanks for inviting me. I've loved it.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much, Greg, for coming on the pod. So lovely to see Greg James.
Lovely to see him. Great menu.
Great chat. Yeah.
Loved it. Little bit of longboy chat at the end, but he didn't

Speaker 2 put Runner Duck on the menu. He didn't have Secret Runner Duck.
He had secret steak, but not secret runner duck. Oh, what if the runner duck was so secret, he didn't tell us about it.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What's secret ingredient, but he kept it secret from us. He flipped it on us.
We've been got.

Speaker 2 What if his cousin Guy was like hid in where the coats all get hung up in the colloquial with the duck in his pocket? A little duck in his pocket. And Greg would go, I'll just go and check on my coat.

Speaker 2 And they would go just be fed.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just be fed a bit of runner duck. That would be typical of Greg James.

Speaker 2 Don't forget to go and get Greg's book, all the best for the future it sounds great i'm mentioned yeah so just even if it's just for rereading or listening if you're getting the audio book if you love reading my name written down yeah it's a great book to get as is glutton oh yeah because your name's written down in that we can't we can't be plugging my book in the bit where we plug greg's book

Speaker 2 but yeah you can get that as well And he's on a book tour.

Speaker 2 If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, Wednesday, October the 1st, you can go and see him in Glasgow if indeed there are any tickets left and there's still another date in leeds to come but maybe i would say october 2nd yeah tomorrow if you listen to this and the day comes out he's going to be knocking around somewhere in between the two because very unlikely he'll be coming home yes to london so if you want to catch him in the wild on his day off and chat to him you know somewhere in between glasgow and leeds i'd say this is what we'll be breaking up the journey we always like to do we always like to give you listeners a little opportunity to interrupt our guests privacy yeah yeah disrupt their life on their day off didn't say run a duck, of course.

Speaker 2 Didn't say run a duck and we're glad. If you live in some European cities, I'm on tour in Europe.

Speaker 2 I'm coming all over the place. Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Lisbon, Rotterdam.
Or anywhere.

Speaker 2 Yes, not Rome. Even though I'm annoyed now, I'm not doing a tour date in Rome because I could have gone to Alfredo's.
Yeah, it would have been great. But as it is, going to Amsterdam and I think...

Speaker 2 going to go to the Ron Gastro bar. Yes.
Yeah. Eat the most hyped up dish.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've hyped it up too much, I fear. Yeah, but that's perfect because if it's delicious, I'll be so happy.
If it's rubbish, I'm going to love telling you it's bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I imagine I'll learn that on this very podcast. You'll save it for

Speaker 2 you just drop it on me. Yeah, I probably will actually.
During an episode. Yeah.
Devastate me. I'm also touring America next year.
Oh, god. Edgamble.co.uk for tickets for all of those.

Speaker 2 I'm going all over the place in America, James. So I need your at least one must-have dish.

Speaker 2 Fucking hell.

Speaker 2 One must-have dish in every city because you've been to all of them. Well, they'll all be ice cream.
Oh, yeah. When you go to Seattle, go to Molly Moons.
I am doing Seattle, actually. Great.

Speaker 2 Go to Molly Moons and get the cobbler ice cream. Okay.

Speaker 2 Benito's hovering over the stop record button. He seems to think that we've just devolved into a normal chat we would have off for the podcast, which he could be correct.
It could be correct.

Speaker 2 Or he's about to sneeze again or fart or something. Yeah, he's about to sneeze and fart

Speaker 2 at the same time. Burp.
Do everything at once. See you next week.
See you next week.

Speaker 3 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nanjiani.

Speaker 4 My new stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is now streaming on Hulu.

Speaker 3 I promise you're gonna laugh.

Speaker 5 I am an immigrant.

Speaker 5 Are there any other immigrants here?

Speaker 6 Okay, what you can do is point at someone else.

Speaker 7 My thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 9 Terms apply. That wasn't my call.
If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 5 Terms apply.

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