Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)

Transcript

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Speaker 25 Uh-oh,

Speaker 6 it's a tasting menu.

Speaker 6 I love the tasting menus. Is there anything that I say at the top? I think, well, no, because normally you look confused because I don't do my normal intro to the pod.

Speaker 6 It's the off-menu podcast, by the way. But it's a tasting menu, which means we have a previous guest on and we give them the menu of another previous guest.
It's a really good format.

Speaker 6 It's a really good format and it's been a hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 I think it's been a hit. It's been a hit.

Speaker 6 And guess who we got? I don't need to guess. Huh? I don't need to guess.
I know who we've got.

Speaker 6 This week, being given an off-menu tasting menu is Jen Brister. The wonderful Jen Brister.
What a fantastic comedian and person she is, James. Such a wonderful comic.

Speaker 6 Now, when Jen was on this podcast originally, I was very mean to her and shouted at her. She was one of the first people, the earliest people, to choose a cheese board.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 I absolutely flew off the handle. I was livid.
So this might be more of a redemption episode for me. Yes, I think so.

Speaker 6 You know, I can maybe learn from my past behavior, conduct myself with a bit more dignity and

Speaker 6 just practice some good manners, I think. It hasn't happened yet, I don't think, in your life.
Not yet. Where you've learned from previous mistakes and conducted yourself

Speaker 6 in a sort of human and polite way. Yes, and that's what makes us so excited.

Speaker 6 I might finally do it. Yeah.
And I'd be pretty happy with that. You know, Jen's a good, that's a good opportunity.
Yes. I think Jen would allow me that.

Speaker 6 I do worry that we've maybe already not done that because the menu that we're going to give Jen

Speaker 6 is the menu of Joel Domet.

Speaker 6 We're giving her Joel Domet's menu. It was instantly rude of us.
The first bad menu we had on the podcast, I think, and still is probably up there with the worst ever. Yeah, it's really...

Speaker 6 The listeners still haven't let it go. No.
It's still not out of his life. Yeah.
And we're about to introduce it into someone else's life who I'm pretty sure has no idea about it.

Speaker 6 And does not want it. Jen will not want this.
No. I can't imagine Jen wanting this meal.

Speaker 6 It would have been something, if we got back, you know, someone who had had a bad menu and gave them this, I mean, that would be interesting to do in the future.

Speaker 6 In the future, we should probably get someone whose menu was awful, give them another awful menu, and they might be like, this is delicious. I love it.

Speaker 6 But this is not going to be the case today. We're deliberately annoying Jen because it's funny to us when Jen gets angry.
Jen is very funny when she's angry.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, I mean, we're just getting a friend on and ruining their day.

Speaker 6 Yes. Apologies, Jen, because Jen is a wonderful person doing wonderful things at the moment.
Her non-profit, All Our Relations, is fantastic.

Speaker 6 They put gigs on, but also you can go to their website and donate.

Speaker 6 They're helping families in Gaza, supporting them in crisis, providing them with legal, logistical, and emotional support that they need to rebuild their lives with dignity.

Speaker 6 So you can give monthly, you can donate today, whatever you want to do, whatever you can give.

Speaker 6 Obviously, at the minute, the situation in Gaza needs all of us uh behind it and all of us helping everybody there i mean it is as as it says on the website a crisis yes absolutely so go to allourrelations.co.uk and you can donate to this brilliant non-profit which is helmed by the amazing jen brister having said all of that we love jen and we love all the work she's doing both creatively and for charity but we have got her into the studio to make her angry yeah i mean it doesn't reflect great on us

Speaker 6 really when you think about it it doesn't reflect very well on us at all. But, you know, rarely do we come out of this podcast smelling of roses.
No, very true. No secret ingredient today, though.

Speaker 6 So, Jen will not be kicked out. She'll just have to live in her anger.
Yes. She can thank us for that.
So let's get on with it. This is the tasting menu of Jen Brister.

Speaker 6 Welcome back, Jen, to the Dream Restaurant. Good to see you, Jen.
Wow, guys, after the last time I was here so much has happened and my tastes have changed dramatically. Oh they? Yes.

Speaker 6 So whatever you're gonna offer me I think you think you know what I'm gonna like but you don't because

Speaker 6 honestly as you get older your

Speaker 6 your tastes they really they can do a complete handbreak turn. Really? Yeah.
So talk us talk us through it then compared to because it's been a long time since you've been in the dream restaurant.

Speaker 6 It's been a long time and I feel like last time there was some kind of a hoo-ha about dessert. Right.
But yeah you chose a cheese board. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I chose a cheese board which oh i just remembered that i'd forgotten yeah how could you forget that one of the first people to choose a cheese board because a few people have since chosen a cheese board did they get the same reaction that i got when i chose okay good fine because that was quite extreme um the worst was on we we did one on zoom during lockdown with dolly alderton and james shut his laptop and logged out the zoom

Speaker 6 why what did dolly choose cheese board oh good for her that's the chicken that's the treatment she got this is exactly why dolly and i connect over cheese over cheese yeah but have your tastes changed?

Speaker 6 My tastes may have changed, so I don't want you to be assuming that I will be anti-pudding. Are you telling me that you would choose an actual dessert now? Yeah, I might.

Speaker 6 Like, if we were to do your dream menu all over again, you might not choose a cheeseball? I might not. Wow.

Speaker 6 Something to think about. You still like cheese, right? I still love cheese.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe I had an effect on you, I had an influence on you.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it was tough love, but it's changed you for the better.

Speaker 6 Is that what you're saying? No. I'm just saying that I've matured.
Like a fine cheddar. Like a fine, exactly.
I'm just saying that I'm not, I'm more complicated than you think I am.

Speaker 6 I'm a complex individual. And I think you may have put me into the cheese zone.
And I want to say that I want you to know that this could go anywhere today.

Speaker 6 Well, maybe I should apologize for my previous behavior when you're on the podcast. It was a bit too reactive looking back.
Oh, okay. It was a genuine apology.
It was a link into your tour, Jen.

Speaker 6 I loved it. Let's talk about reactive.
It's going. You're hitting the road.
You must be excited. I know that you love going on tour.

Speaker 6 I do, James. Thank you.
I am, as we know, a very positive individual that loves being on the road. And that hasn't changed since I've turned 50.

Speaker 6 No,

Speaker 6 I'm really looking forward to it.

Speaker 6 The UK island in October. So, yeah.
Amazing. Amazing.
It's very exciting. And like, is there anything you can reveal about the show yet?

Speaker 6 What do you mean?

Speaker 6 Is there any

Speaker 6 subjects is it about anything is there it's like reactive it's me reacting to things and we is it like a youtube thing where you play clips viral clips and then you react to them is you reacting to your own viral clips oh yeah because you've got viral clips now when we when we originally had you on the podcast i wasn't viral you weren't viral

Speaker 6 you were nothing i was a nobody and you guys picked me up off the off the curb yeah yeah yeah scraped me off bonito said should we get jen brister on the show and me and james went she's nothing i know who I am.

Speaker 6 I didn't know who it was. Even though we'd worked together for a good 10 years, you still didn't know who it was.
We did Edinburgh in the head. Yeah,

Speaker 6 2009. 2009, we did Edinburgh together.
Yeah, you were in a gold lame suit. Never forget.
It was your gold lame suit. It was my gold lame.

Speaker 6 It was the final night of the fringe, and Jen wore a wonderful gold lame.

Speaker 6 How would you describe it? I would call it a onesie onesie for her final performance. And when she came off stage, I hadn't planned anything.
I said,

Speaker 6 go and get changed again and an armware and that. Yep.
And so ed came out in

Speaker 6 yeah i mean it was it was good i enjoyed it you could address the elephant in the room i was a lot fatter yeah

Speaker 6 there was a lot

Speaker 6 there was a lot going on you had to defocus your eyes below the waist other than that i look like a fat oscar

Speaker 6 you looked gorgeous yes oh i know i know there's there was a reason i wore it it's for well it's for comedy anyway

Speaker 6 and for hotness for the hotness but now here i am and despite my celebrity here I am back on the podcast. Yeah.
A mystery for the best. I mean, this tour is going to be huge.

Speaker 6 I already know it's going to be sold out every single night. I don't know why we're bothering promoting it.

Speaker 6 You're a big deal now, Brisbane. It's going to be jam-packed.
I hope so. I hope to do buy a ticket.
Yes.

Speaker 6 I'm doing London is at the Apollo, and so that's slightly stressful, as I'm sure both of you have done it before, but I haven't. So, yeah, that's a bit of a stress.
But, you know, buy a ticket.

Speaker 6 But also, I'm very relaxed about it. Yeah, you seem pretty chill about I do I am

Speaker 6 are you gonna pick on the front row no I don't

Speaker 6 pick on the front row no because it's not

Speaker 6 Heckler's welcome no heckler's not welcome I didn't pick on them

Speaker 6 I'm literally not gonna you can guarantee that I won't be talking to anyone I've written a show yeah yeah

Speaker 6 I've written actual jokes just come and have a laugh at those what if someone's wearing a really funny hat yeah on the front row are you gonna mention and you're like a hundred dates in yeah you know you've done the material a billion times and you look down, and there's someone, and they're wearing like a big, like, a big, like a hand for a hat.

Speaker 6 Like, there's a huge hand on there. What? Why are they wearing that? Well,

Speaker 6 you don't know that. You're going to look.
Okay, am I going to comment on that? Are you asking me? Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're really.

Speaker 6 You can't do a show called Reactive and then ignore someone with a big hand.

Speaker 6 I think that's a big hands.

Speaker 6 Like when people wear the gladiators. Also, they're going to be blocking the people behind them.
Of course, they're going to say that.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And if you're filming it, you get a viral clip out of that. Yeah.

Speaker 6 You go viral again. You love that.

Speaker 6 Yeah. I mean, that's thanks for the tips, guys.

Speaker 6 I'll take it. It's all on board now, and I can't wait for the person with the hand hat.
In fact, I might actually have, if you see a clip going out, it isn't the plant that was suggested by James A.

Speaker 6 Caster and Ed Bamble.

Speaker 6 No, it is actually me reacting to something in the room. You're welcome.
You're going to be lived if that actually happens now. Someone's got a big

Speaker 6 hand hat on. You're like,

Speaker 6 they listen to that.

Speaker 6 Your fans are completely batshit. That's the kind of thing that they do.
Oh, let's go find a center and save Jim Bristol. This is very hilarious.
Viral. So the front though, with a hand hat on,

Speaker 6 you go into them. Yeah.
Goes viral. Jembristo.co.uk for tickets.
Yes. Go, get yourself one.

Speaker 6 You won't regret it.

Speaker 6 I'm so good at promo, Jen. I know.
It's one of my fortes. Thank God the things went viral.
Otherwise, I'd have fucked. We've got a tasting menu for you, Jen.
Yeah, I'm excited.

Speaker 6 As you know, we're going to basically be presenting you with the menu of another guest who's been on. So this is a previous guest that we've had, and you're going to be having their dream meal.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Who are you hoping for? Is there anyone who, you know,

Speaker 6 you know so many guests that have been on this podcast?

Speaker 6 Is there any that you would go? I hope it's that person. I hope I get their menu.
I was hoping to have Miriam Margley's menu, but you've already given that away.

Speaker 6 Straight away to John Cohn's first one. I cannot believe I didn't get Miriam Margley's.
That would have been the perfect menu for me.

Speaker 6 I know I would have loved it. Whatever it was, it would have been right up my alley.
So that's who I was hoping for. I didn't get Miriam.
So I'm going to go Paul Rudd. You like Paul Rudd's menu?

Speaker 6 Yeah, why not? Yeah, that was a solid menu from the menu. I think you like that.
Nothing too controversial. Jen, can I ask a question?

Speaker 6 Because you know that we're picking the menu for you.

Speaker 6 And as we said before, before we started recording, we said we, you know, sometimes we pick menus that we think that people will like or they'll find interesting or that we'll get a reaction out of them for.

Speaker 6 Okay. What sort of reaction do you think we're shooting for from you when we're picking the menu? Ed.
Yes.

Speaker 6 I am pretty much 100% certain that both you and James have picked a menu that you think I am going to hate.

Speaker 6 Am I correct? Well, we'll see.

Speaker 6 We're not going to like. You've just a taste.
We can't predict you, James. I absolutely know this is going to be a menu I'm not going to like, but here's necessarily.

Speaker 6 Because what you've changed, you said you've changed since the first time you're you're in the dream restaurant. Yeah, I can't predict you.
Okay, well, let's see. What have you got for me? Whose menu?

Speaker 6 Am I allowed to know whose menu it is, or is it happening at the end? Joel Domit's menu. Joel, okay, so there's going to be a lot of meat.
Meat-heavy? We'll see. We'll see, won't we? But

Speaker 6 you don't seem scared. You seem

Speaker 6 quite happy about it. Nice guy.
Joel's a nice guy. I love Joel.
Joel was one of the earliest episodes, and there was a lot of reaction online for his menu. So it was popular.

Speaker 6 Okay. It was a big moment.
Joel's menu, I'd say, was a big moment in the history of this podcast. I'm going to say there's going to be too much food.
Okay, that's interesting.

Speaker 6 Because he's like ripped. Yeah, because

Speaker 6 it's going to be protein heavy, right? It's going to be like six roast chickens. It's going to be a steak.

Speaker 6 You're going to be like, some of the steak is raw and maybe a pint of like whole milk to three pints of Guinness.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 yeah, he likes Guinness.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 the dessert's going to be like vomit making. It's going to be gross.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's what I'm predicting. And then he's burning it off in the gym.
Well, I won't be burning it off in the gym.

Speaker 6 That's the problem. But yes.
And then he'll be like, you know, pressing, pulling, punching. Pressing, pulling, and punching.
Yeah, that's what he does.

Speaker 6 It's classic three P's.

Speaker 6 Look, nice and easy to start. He's got some sparkling water.
Okay, I like sparkling water.

Speaker 6 We're onto a great start. Great.
Okay. I can't remember if you chose still or sparkling.
I think I chose sparkling water. So that's good.
And also, I chose bread, which both of you were appalled by.

Speaker 6 Really? You chose bread? Yeah, there was bread. There was bread or something else I could choose.
Pomodoms, but we were appalled that you chose.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you said, you, James, you in particular like, I don't eat bread. I gave up bread ages ago.
Bread's for losers. And I was like, yeah, who eats bread anymore? I was like, I do.
I love bread.

Speaker 6 It doesn't feel like we would have said that. It doesn't feel like you would have said that.
No, I didn't say that. I eat bread all the time.
Good. I love it.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Were you trying to make Jen so angry in the first time we recorded that

Speaker 6 everything Everything Jen said, you said I said. No, I was eating bread.

Speaker 6 The IBS.

Speaker 6 Maybe I did. Maybe I did for a laugh.
Did you get because James does give things up quite a lot? I think you'd given up bread at the time. Maybe you've done.
Maybe you've given up bread.

Speaker 6 I think you were something about gluten.

Speaker 6 You were bread-free. Maybe.
And I turned up saying, I love bread, and you were appalled. Wow.
Yeah. I've changed, I guess.
Have you? Which bread are you into? All of them, yeah. I love them.

Speaker 6 I love bread.

Speaker 6 I'm not eating it all the time, but like pretty regularly. Yeah.
Had some nice bread yesterday. I had some sourdough for kacher yesterday.
Oh, amazing. Delicious with some olive oil.

Speaker 6 Bread and that butter. And sometimes they put salt on top of the butter.
What's that about? Yeah, delicious. Incredible.
Well, it needs it. I mean, you know, the more salt, the better, I say.

Speaker 6 That's what I say. Hey, I had some bread at the weekend.
What kind?

Speaker 6 Gail's sourdough. Oh, okay.
And for the starter, I made toasted sourdough with... bone marrow.

Speaker 6 Did bone marrow in the oven with a shallot and parsley salad, St. John's style.
Oh yeah, yeah, I forgot to ask you how that went. That's

Speaker 6 really good.

Speaker 6 You're full gourmet now. Yeah, that was full gourmet.
That was a rare gourmet. You are.
That's quite. I mean, I don't know anyone that's like, oh, just for lunch, I just got the old bone marrow out.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing that every week.

Speaker 6 Do you know where he got it from? He got it from a butcher's that he likes. And it's because he watched the finale of Severance.
And he was so...

Speaker 6 like he had so much adrenaline afterwards because pinging around in his body and so much energy that he walked two hours to the butcher's and then he decided when he was at the butcher's he decided to buy some meat so he could have my favourite butcher's is two hours walk from my house so quite often when i go there i'll go i'm just going to walk to the butcher's because it makes me feel like i'm in um charles dickens time oh i didn't know it was the charles dickens well walking to the butcher's in london on a nice day you know hello everyone top of the morning that is waving at kids and stuff i mean why is it two hours away from there's nothing closer that is and that is probably is something closer but i've just decided i like that butcher's wow two hours is quite the schlep for some bone marrow.

Speaker 6 And then two hours back, a four-hour round trip.

Speaker 6 Okay, fair play. I bought a steak as well.
I bought a big Galician ribeye bone on the bone. What? I mean, this is fair.
I don't think I have a butcher's near me where they do that.

Speaker 6 You can get sausages and you can get mints. I think if you call them and ask for bone marrow.
Yeah, they definitely do. Because they'll have bones knocking around.

Speaker 6 They're a byproduct of what they do. Something to look forward to.
Is there anyone or anything, and don't just say no straight away

Speaker 6 that you would walk two hours for, if you think about it? What, in terms of food? No, just any one or anything. Anyone in your life that you would walk two hours to see, if you're honest?

Speaker 6 Say your kids, Jim.

Speaker 6 Well, obviously my children. You would walk two hours to children.
Of course I'd walk two hours to see my family. I would walk two hours to see my brother.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 And I think there are certain friends of mine I would make that effort.

Speaker 6 Name the friends.

Speaker 6 I can't. Name them.
I'm not going to name them because if I name them, they're going to be like, well, why wasn't I named? Yeah, yeah. Come on.
Okay. I'm going to see my friend, Julia Westwood.

Speaker 6 That's her maiden name, not her married name.

Speaker 6 But that's how I always know her. And I'm seeing her tonight, and I would walk two hours to see her.
Yeah. Yeah.
But

Speaker 6 you don't believe in her marriage.

Speaker 6 I don't acknowledge her wedding and I don't acknowledge her. Julia Marshall is her.

Speaker 6 But I know who's Julia Westwood. You know when you know someone from the right when you're little, that is their name.
And whenever I say her name, it's always Julia Westwood. I never just say Julia.

Speaker 6 She is, I'm going to see Julia Westwood. How's Julia Westwood? Julia Westwood's great.
Yeah. Sometimes I'll still accidentally call my sister by her maiden name, which is my

Speaker 6 spoiler. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 6 I feel pathetic. I've still got my sister's maiden name.

Speaker 6 You haven't moved on, James. You're such a loser.
You're such a loser. You've got your maiden sister's maiden name.
That's really sad. I've still got my sister's maiden name.

Speaker 6 Why don't you take your sister's married name? Yeah, yeah. I should do that, really.

Speaker 6 Be a grown-up, move on with my life. Instead, I forgot the name that she had when she was a little baby.

Speaker 6 really embarrassing

Speaker 6 walking around calling myself james a castle

Speaker 6 like a child one day you will be a grown-up but today's not that day yeah oh that is that is disappointing actually

Speaker 6 now i say it like that

Speaker 6 um well good good news on the bread front joel did choose bread he chose naan bread naan naan sorry not naan bread oh i just said the the awful the the white faux pas i say naan bread you're just supposed to say naan no naan because i said bread bread didn't i bread bread oh yeah of course naan i like naan what kind of naan just plain naan garlic naan said naan i mean

Speaker 6 he didn't seem to give a no i imagine it was probably pechwari it's probably the one no my least favorite is that your favorite pechwari let's rank the naans for god's sake i think garlic naan is good garlic naan steamer uno i think garlic naan is the one i'd always go for because it's got a little something extra but it's not it's accompanying the meal it's not invading the meal exactly yeah and it's got butter on it what's great that's great it's a little bit salty it's got the garlic on it.

Speaker 6 The pechwari non, what's that? It's got coconut, was it coconut? Coconut sultanas sometimes in there. I mean, I do like it, I will say, with a very, very spicy

Speaker 6 tomato-based curry, it does work. If it's like super spicy, it cuts through the spice quite nicely.
See, this is why I do this podcast with this guy. He knows stuff like that.

Speaker 6 I was about to say, my problem with pechwari nine is like, where do you even put it in a meal? Like, where do you have it? He knows. Ed knows.

Speaker 6 Well, that's where I do it, but you know, different tastes for different.

Speaker 6 I don't know. For me, it's like, I

Speaker 6 do I want a pudding with my tomato-based curry? No, no, well, that's fair enough. It's like having um what are those, what are those, are they macaroons? Yeah, yeah, I don't want a macaroon with one

Speaker 6 pejori nine is the equivalent with my gel frazier. Yeah, yeah, that is like sort of you know a macarame with my gel frazier.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I mean, quinan is another option, which isn't that the meat one, yeah, mince meat one, but that one can be okay if it's got loads of chili in it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you had a really uh naan with mince and very, very, very spicy green chili. Oh, just get in there.
Yes. But also, like, I find that that one feels like a meal in and of itself.

Speaker 6 In and of itself, yeah. So, like, I wouldn't put it as high as garlic.
I'd be garlic number one, then quima, then peshwari, then the plain one last. They do a cheese one in some places.
No.

Speaker 6 What? I'm pretty sure at Kismet in Edinburgh, they do it. They do it.
Oh, they do like a, yeah, like a paneer one. Yeah.
Yeah, okay. I mean, Kismet do some white.
Yeah, Kismet do some white one.

Speaker 6 I'm okay with the paneer. You'd be okay with the paneer naan.

Speaker 6 You don't seem like you would be. Well, I just felt your reaction originally was like, what no?

Speaker 6 I'll pend the tale. Just for the listener, because Benito will edit himself out.
Joel said, yeah, originally, pop a doms, but he thought he was saying naan. Right.
So in his head, he was saying.

Speaker 6 Pop-a-doms are naan. That's what he thought.
Okay. He thought that poppadoms

Speaker 6 were naan, so he was getting confused.

Speaker 6 but then he realized that popadoms weren't naan and that's why he went for naan i think we probably had to tell him um my family was watching mass singer together and uh he's so good on that he's so good

Speaker 6 he's amazing incredible on it and um my my dad who you know is not the best at just keeping a thought in his head just went he's so strikingly attractive

Speaker 6 just a strikingly attractive man he he really is he's very easy on the eye and when he takes his top off everyone's looking. Everyone's looking, of course.
We're all having a look, aren't we?

Speaker 6 We can't help ourselves. Yeah, we're looking.
We're only human. Of course.
Am I right? Yeah.

Speaker 6 We're not made out of stone. No, he's eat.
He is.

Speaker 6 He's cheese. Yes.
He's been carved by

Speaker 6 Raphael.

Speaker 6 The turtle. Yes, the turtle.

Speaker 6 Joel's Dream Starter, which is what you're going to have. Okay, all right, let's go.
This is where we really get.

Speaker 6 This is where we're going to get into it. We'll get into the pop and meal.
Yeah, because we've been fine. We've had sparkling water and none, and I'm really happy.

Speaker 6 I'm going to tell you what he ordered. I'm also going to tell you the reason why he ordered it.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Nachos, because you never know how big they're going to be. What

Speaker 6 are you talking about?

Speaker 6 Nachos, because you never know how big they're going to be. What does that even mean? So what, you don't know if you're going to be a starter or a make.

Speaker 6 Well, he's ordered it for a starter, but like, he's like, you never know how big the nachos are going to be when you order them. And he likes the surprise of how much you get.

Speaker 6 So you might get too many nachos and he's like, wow, this is great. Yeah.
Or you might not get enough nachos.

Speaker 6 I mean, no one's never had not enough nachos.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's a very good point. I mean, I've never seen a plate of nachos and thought, what this needs is more nachos.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I've thought, okay, well, there's never enough topping, sure, too many nachos, not enough cheese, not enough of the guacamole and the nice stuff. And then this, all this dry, I don't get nachos.

Speaker 6 Nachos are an abomination, they are abhorrent.

Speaker 6 And I would never order nachos. If it was the last thing on the menu, I would not order nachos.

Speaker 6 Nachos is for children. Sure, my kids eat nachos.
I am 50 years of age. Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top? I am an adult.
Joel, you made a terrible decision.

Speaker 6 And if you're listening to this, shame on you.

Speaker 6 Too many people have been nice to him about this menu. So it's good.
It's good.

Speaker 6 I don't know if he said what he wanted on them. I mean, basically,

Speaker 6 he said chicken. Chicken.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
The worst, the worst. The worst topping you could put on nachos.
And it won't be nice chicken. No.

Speaker 6 Whatever you're getting on top of a nacho, it's always bottom of the, it's that squeezy, weird cheese and the jalapeno things from a jar and that salsa. It's like, that's not salsa.
What is this?

Speaker 6 And then the chicken. I don't even know.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's like little bits of like shredded chicken on there, I guess, you know, with the watery salsa and the

Speaker 6 plastic cheese. Does Joel like food? Well, you just draw your own conclusions as it, as the menu progresses, really, if Joel likes food or not.

Speaker 6 I'm not eating nachos, so they've gone to one side. You won't eat them? No.
Your kids with you? They can eat them? My kids can eat them, sure. Yeah.
Maybe pretty much.

Speaker 6 Chloe, my partner, she'll eat them. She loves nachos.
Oh, there you go. I know.
I don't even know how we got together. I'm like, this is unacceptable.
At what age do you think you stopped?

Speaker 6 Were you like, now I'm old enough now, I can reject nachos? I don't think I ever liked nachos. I don't think even as a kid, I was like, wow, this.

Speaker 6 I think the first time I had nachos, I was probably... not that young, maybe like 20 or something.
And I was like, why are we eating this? What is this?

Speaker 6 I mean, it's fine it's not a meal i mean i completely agree with whenever i i get excited to order nachos if i've not had them in a long time

Speaker 6 uh but then they arrive and you look at all the toppings and you're really excited and then you realize there's four layers of completely dry crisps underneath yeah and it's impossible to to maneuver what you really need is a bowl of crisps and then all the toppings in bowls in front of you so you can just dip each one Yes, but also the other thing I don't like about nachos, you're sharing nachos often and everyone's double dipping.

Speaker 6 They're having a bite of a crisp and then they're dipping it back in and then they're having a bite. What are you doing?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 You're never just eating watery salsa. You're eating watery salsa, mixing with your friend's Spittle.

Speaker 6 Especially if you're eating them with your kids, right? They're little illness machines. Yes, with their little feral fingers.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, look, I love all my nephews, but.

Speaker 6 Anytime something like that is on the table, I'm like, you go for it, guys.

Speaker 6 I'm not sharing that with you. Yeah.

Speaker 6 No, and you're right not to we're all going to get covered at the end of these nachos yeah these are covered nachos this is pre-covid this is joel's nachos this is pre-covered when he chose them so i yeah that's a good question

Speaker 6 that's a good question is now are we giving you pre-covid nachos because that's when joel chose it or post-covid or is there the risks of covid and everything i'm going to say that these are probably post-covid nachos i don't think the pre-covid nachos would have survived when restaurants came back did they wait longer to bring like chain mexican restaurants back because of the nachos, because of the coconuts.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah. I think you probably find that Oaxaca's was closed for a lot longer than any Wagamamas.

Speaker 6 They refused to take nachos off the menu. They're like, we, we belong, nachos belong in our menu.
And I don't even know if they have nachos and they've got those posh nachos, haven't they?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm not sure they do. Nachos.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry, but they're no better. No.

Speaker 6 Wagamam was hit hard with the social distancing, though. Yeah.
Yeah, that's true. Because they fucking love to cram a menu.
They love it. They love it to be opposite, next door, on top.

Speaker 6 It was always going to come back and bite them. Actually, the way we work here is we'll put you on top of this person.

Speaker 6 Is that all right? If you just sit directly on them, they're absolutely fine. They'll be leaving in fine.

Speaker 6 So you haven't eaten the nachos, fair enough. You've not even pecked at them?

Speaker 6 Did we talk about the topping? You said chicken. Chicken and cheese and...
Well, because he's not specified, I mean, there's obviously going to be cheese on the chicken. Oh, guacamole.

Speaker 6 There's some guacamole on there. Made in Mexico properly, because that was one of his nice memories.
Oh, okay. So decent guacamole.

Speaker 6 Being in Mexico with Nish and having some guacamole made fresh for them and it being incredible. Okay, well fresh made guacamole tastes completely different and is definitely worth a dip.

Speaker 6 It goes lovely with chicken nachos.

Speaker 6 I've dodged the chicken and I've just headed for the guac. Yes.
Okay. Yeah.
You've got the check. Sour cream.
Anything about the sour cream? Sour cream,

Speaker 6 only if the salsa's great. Yeah.
If the salsa's great, you need a bit of sour cream, but if the salsa's shit, we don't need sour cream. He didn't specify if the salsa was good.
He was guack-focused.

Speaker 6 He was very guack-focused. Joel, we're going to have to have words.

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Speaker 6 The main course, this is Joel's dream main course. Okay.
This is going to be meat heavy, I bet. Chips, beans, sausages, and cheese.
Get the fuck out!

Speaker 6 Chips, beans. He can have any fucking meal.
He's had nachos and now chips, beans, sausage, and cheese. What the fuck is wrong with Joel? Well, you're having it as well, Jen.
I don't want chips beans.

Speaker 6 The canteen at school was a lot of me. That's why he wanted it.
It reminds him of the canteen at school. He wanted chips beef

Speaker 6 because he wanted to be reminded of shit food when he was a teenager. Yeah, well, I think there were nice memories for him being in the school canteen.

Speaker 6 I think Joel had a nicer time at school than most people. I think he did.
I mean, I don't have like horrendous memories, but I don't have hugely happy memories.

Speaker 6 And I certainly don't have happy memories of being in the canteen. Yeah.
Yeah. Chips, cheese, and beans.
And you had that because literally everything else was inedible. Yeah.

Speaker 6 They'd sometimes do like a breaded chicken thing or they'd do fish and chips and the fish was like, you know, like entirely batter. And then you'd look, there'd be zero fish in there.

Speaker 6 Did you ever have the rib? Do you remember the rib? What was the rib? Definitely did not have the rib. Didn't have a rib at mine.
Like reconst. No, it was like reconstituted meat.
Oh, yeah. Pressed.

Speaker 6 It was like a patty, but like pressed into the shape of vaguely of a rib because it had like different segments going along it covered in like really sweet barbecue sauce. Do you remember it? No.

Speaker 6 No, I do not remember that. Yeah, bad stuff.
I don't think we had anything as posh as that. I mean, we literally had,

Speaker 6 I must stress, it was not a posh at all. I mean, you went to posh school, that was posh.
That's posh. Oh, because it was at a posh school.
Yeah, it was posh.

Speaker 6 Our schools got bad news. It's disgusting, yeah.
But but you got the good stuff. It was cheap.
And you didn't even know how lucky you were. You had something that resembled a rib.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 We didn't even know what ribs were. We were like, what? We weren't getting ribs.
Oh, I remember actually, when we'd finished, we used to send the packaging off to your school to eat.

Speaker 6 And which we used to deep-fry

Speaker 6 and have with chip cheese and beans. Yeah, we loved it.

Speaker 6 Thank you. We thank you for that, Pucky.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 You're dipping your rib in your quail's egg.

Speaker 6 So your school canteen,

Speaker 6 that was your go-to, was it? So what was, Joel, was chips? Was it sausages? Chips, beans, sausages, and cheese. I wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school, no way.
So you wouldn't have eaten?

Speaker 6 No, God, no. No way.
I would have had chips. I love that even as a kid, you're going, I don't trust those sausages.
No. You have to remember, I had a Spanish mum, so we had like

Speaker 6 our food was nice. So I didn't really like processed crap.
I wasn't, I mean, I was like, this doesn't, why is this sausage white? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 6 Why are we eating white sausages? It's bizarre.

Speaker 6 Chip cheese and beans. I would never have touched the sausages.
The fact that he's chosen sausages, I'm absolutely livid about.

Speaker 6 I'm so disappointed. And what am I drinking with this fucking horrible meal?

Speaker 6 We'll get that. We'll get there.
We'll get there.

Speaker 6 You got to spark the mortar. That's there.
You got that for the whole thing. But you've also got...
He's got a drink later on. Don't worry.
So were were you going, so you were having...

Speaker 6 Are we using posh chips? Pop chips.

Speaker 6 The school canteen. It's exactly what you said.
The school canteen. I can't believe you fuckers changed this menu for me.

Speaker 6 Chips, cheese, and beans with naan bread.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 And the nachos.

Speaker 6 And nachos. This is like the worst menu that's ever.
Yeah, famously. Yeah.
Famously the worst menu. Well, we can admit that now.

Speaker 6 People still to this day, Joel did this in our first year, which is 2018. Still to this day, people shout at him in the street for this menu.
I'm not surprised. He gets abuse shouted at him for it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he should. And he's like,

Speaker 6 he's a legit celebrity now, and people still remember this. He's moved on since he did this episode, he's now like hosting huge TV shows.
Everyone loves Joel. J-List of celebrities.

Speaker 6 He still gets abuse about this. Yeah, as he should.
I hope it follows him to the grave.

Speaker 6 So when you're at school, you're eating this sort of stuff in the canteen. Yeah.
Then what you were obviously looking forward to what you were going to get when you got home. Yeah.

Speaker 6 What sort of stuff were you getting at home? Well, my mum used to cook like really, I mean, sometimes she'd cook horrible things like stuffed peppers. We were like,

Speaker 6 but you know, we would get calamari or we would get like my mum would make homemade albondigas or she would make croquettas or she would make,

Speaker 6 you know, on a very special occasion, it would be paella, that would be like one of our birthdays. Or she would just make like a Thai curry or, you know, she was cooking good food.
Absolutely.

Speaker 6 We'd come home. I always looked forward to dinner because I knew it was going to be great.

Speaker 6 So this is chips, cheese and beans, man.

Speaker 6 Not good.

Speaker 6 It's not ideal, I guess. No.

Speaker 6 My mum was a good cook as well, and is a good cook, but

Speaker 6 I used to eat so much crap. Like, I'd eat my packed lunch at morning break and then

Speaker 6 sneak into main lunch. Oh, I used to eat a lot of crap.
Like, from the, as soon as I got, you know, did you have a tuck shop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Flavour. That's what it's called.

Speaker 6 Your tuck shop was called Flavour. It had a name.
L-A-V-A. Flavour, like the Peter Andre song.
It was named after. Flavour Flavor.
Was that what it was named?

Speaker 6 No, it was named after the Peter Andre song. I wish it wasn't.
We didn't know Flavour Flav was at Montague School, but we knew that Peter Andre was cool. I had six-pack.

Speaker 6 If we wanted a six-pack, you had to eat fizzy belts and stuff.

Speaker 6 Yeah. It's true.

Speaker 6 Did your tuck shop have a name at school? If it did, I do not remember it. At an all-girls Catholic school, it probably called Tuck Shop.
And I don't remember who was selling stuff at the tuck shop.

Speaker 6 Must have been a student. Cameron.
Was that someone from school?

Speaker 6 school yeah camera started it it was part of his started by a student yeah yeah it was part of one of it was in one of his lessons i can't remember what the one was but his project that he wanted to do was start a tuck shop so everyone else was doing stuff that was like within their actual class yeah for that lesson and he was like no i'm gonna start it at break time properly and call it flavor this guy's a ceo

Speaker 6 he might be listening to us i did bump into him once i mean he's like the equipment he's bezosing it somewhere yeah yeah he's got to to be. He's doing good.
He's a catering bezos.

Speaker 6 I was excited when I was at school because there was the tuck shop, but then when you went to sixth form, it was a different, it was a sixth form common room and it was a different little tuck shop.

Speaker 6 Oh, was you different? And that tuck shop did microwave pizzas.

Speaker 6 Wow. What, what an experience to have.
Chicago town. Microwaved dough.

Speaker 6 Chicago town.

Speaker 6 Microwave pizzas, microwaved burgers.

Speaker 6 Chicago town pizzas in the school tuck shop. To this day.
How about that? I love Chicago Town.

Speaker 6 Like personal size pizzas like that maybe and that you open the box and then you turn the lid up and put the pizza on top of the box and then microwave it wow boiling hot yeah so sweet like eating cake with tomato on it

Speaker 6 yeah and that's the kind of cheese that sticks to the roof of your mouth yeah big time like napalm horrible completely strips the skin

Speaker 6 after that yeah like those um what were they what did they used to have i'll tell you what something i was fascinated by because i went around to a friend's house and they had them were crispy finders crispy pancakes because i I we didn't have that sort of stuff we didn't have that either that was wild to me that bright orange crusty thing filled with lava yeah yeah

Speaker 6 it was molten lava right yeah yeah you couldn't put it in your mouth yeah yeah never had that in our house that sort of stuff and always so exciting to see it in someone else's house so exciting to see it so actually i lied actually when i saw that some processed stuff i was like what is this yeah yeah incredible yeah two were pop-tarts we never had pop-tarts we never had pop-tarts

Speaker 6 i really wanted them so bad i asked for them all the time. Me too.
I was like, just the strawberry ones.

Speaker 6 And then, did you have one? And I remember having one going, yes. So sweet.
Because it was too late when I had one. I had one like when I was probably like...
42. Yeah.
And I was like, here we go.

Speaker 6 They can't stop me now.

Speaker 6 What the fuck?

Speaker 6 I wish they had. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Well, look, you've had some of that. You've had the chips, beans, and cheese, have you?

Speaker 6 I'm hungry. I've had some of it.

Speaker 6 Are you mixing it all up?

Speaker 6 I'm mixing the cheese in with the beans. Yeah.
And then then probably, yeah, probably sticking the chips in there with the beans as well, making them soggy.

Speaker 6 Okay, well, the side dish might, genuinely, I think this might turn things around a little bit. Okay.
Sweet potato fries.

Speaker 6 No, I don't like sweet potato fries. I don't like sweet potato fries.
They're a nice accompaniment to chips.

Speaker 6 I can't believe the accompaniment to chips, cheese, sausage, and beans is chips. I mean,

Speaker 6 do you want to know one of Joel's reasons for having sweet potato fries and chips? Yeah, please. Let's hear it.

Speaker 6 It's because he wanted to, because everyone says sweet potato fries are healthy, and he wanted to show that they're exactly the same.

Speaker 6 He wanted to make a point that one is not more healthy than the other.

Speaker 6 And how is he making that point? Well, just by having both of them. By having both of them.
How is he demonstrating that they were

Speaker 6 I think he used the podcast as a platform to really promote this kind of yeah it's important to have strong feelings. Gotta use your platform wisely.
Yeah, use it wisely.

Speaker 6 If you're gonna be campaigning for something, let's campaign for the fact that actually sweet potato fries are still bad for you.

Speaker 6 I don't like, I would never order sweet potato fries. I don't, I don't like them.
No, what is it about them that you

Speaker 6 live in Brighton though? They're on all the menus in Brighton. Yeah, Jen.
Jen, you live in Brighton. I do live in Brighton.
When you like sweet potato fries, yeah,

Speaker 6 that's the origin of sweet potato fries. Probably.
There's a lot of stuff in Brighton as shit. And sweet potato fries is one of them.
Do you want to list some other stuff?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I don't. I mean,

Speaker 6 we've got enough sourdough. Yeah.
Yeah, we don't need it anymore.

Speaker 6 I think it's lovely how you accommodate all the stags and hens. We really do.
They can eat the sweet potato fries. Yeah, they do.
They do with their WKD cocktails. They love it.

Speaker 6 They do love a blue cocktail. Yeah.
With a penis straw, James, you'd be pleased to know. I am pleased to know that.
I'm pleased to know that. They're still going.

Speaker 6 You think penis straws ended in the 80s or the 90s? Like, no one's doing penis straws anymore. He's got loads.
How many penis straws have you got? 48. How come?

Speaker 6 I mean, look, this is well documented in my show two years ago and my, well, two tours ago and my upcoming special. But during COVID, I threw a hen party for my wife.
So just me and her.

Speaker 6 And you can only order 50 penis straws in a job lot.

Speaker 6 Right. So you used to? Yeah, used two, but didn't want to throw them out, really, the rest of them, because it's really bad for the environment.
They're not recyclable with penis straws.

Speaker 6 So now we've got a big drawer full of them, and in fact, one of them is now in a plant pot as a sort of holding up the plant stalk. Yeah, great, yeah.

Speaker 6 There's probably loads of uses for these penis straws, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, snorkels, um,

Speaker 6 uh, obviously, for plants, you can use chopsticks, chopsticks, that's a good idea, actually. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, cocksticks, cocksticks, yeah,

Speaker 6 she's a reviewer,

Speaker 6 she's a comedy reviewer, ain't she? Old cocksticks, Kate Cocksticks, Kate Cocksticks, yeah, She's absolutely dynamite.

Speaker 6 If you're using the penis straws as a pair of chopsticks, are you going bellending the noodles or bellend poking up at you? Oh, that's a really good question.

Speaker 6 I think I'm going to use the bellends

Speaker 6 to grip. To grip.
I'm going to be gripping onto the bell ends and using the other bits to pick up my various things. That's what I do.
To pick up my chips, cheese, and fucking beans.

Speaker 6 And my naan bread with my penis straw fucking

Speaker 6 chopsticks.

Speaker 6 Jesus. Just you're enjoying the riff and then you remembered what the menu was.
And then I remembered the menu.

Speaker 6 You're awake in hell.

Speaker 6 Also, I think it's rare on a menu that you get nachos followed by chits, followed by sweet potato five. I think it's nice.
It's actually quite rare. It's quite nice.
It's unique, definitely.

Speaker 6 And I don't think there's many people that would choose that because most people have taste buds. Yeah.

Speaker 6 It reads like the entire menu at a student union.

Speaker 6 It really does.

Speaker 6 I'm sure at the top of this menu should be the word flavor. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 I'm still really intrigued. So I've got

Speaker 6 sparkling water, I've got naan bread. I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit.
I've got chips, cheese, beans, and sausage. Yeah.
And sweet potatoes. What am I doing?

Speaker 6 I'm going to get a sweet potato. Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side.
Okay, so all of this. Have you kids eating those as well? Yeah, my kids are going to have all of those, yeah.

Speaker 6 So far, they've eaten the meal made for children. They're full.
Yeah. Yeah.
I need a drink, I need something. Yes, what do you want?

Speaker 6 I just a glass of wine or something. Am I having wine? Uh, it's not wine, no, it's not Guinness, is it? It's not Guinness, okay? No, it's not Guinness, no, a lager, it's not a lager, no.

Speaker 6 Oh, my god, is it something like a pina colada? What is it? No,

Speaker 6 Joe Dommit's dream drink, and this is what you're getting: it's a protein shake.

Speaker 6 So, I'm getting, oh my God.

Speaker 6 Didn't I say it? I said it was going to be protein heavy, but I thought it would be protein heavy with actual

Speaker 6 foodstuffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 Okay. Oh, my God.
This is absolutely. But what flavour is it? I think he said strawberry, didn't he? He likes the strawberry one, yeah.
Strawberry, that's like the worst flavour.

Speaker 6 Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. No, who's eating strawberry?

Speaker 6 Strawberry milkshake, strawberry jam. They're all the worst.
Strawberry's the worst flavour. He loves it.
It's his favourite drink. His favourite drink.
Strawberry protein shake.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's his favourite. It's the same.

Speaker 6 I'm never like,

Speaker 6 I'm

Speaker 6 hungry. Yep.
That'll fill you up, though. Lovely protein shake.
I mean, that will fill me up. But I'll feel sad afterwards.
Yeah. Really sad.
Maybe. Do you enjoy a protein shake now, McKenna?

Speaker 6 No, of course not. Why would I be drinking a protein shake? You said you wanted a drink a minute ago.

Speaker 6 I don't.

Speaker 6 Something decent. Like a nice glass of wine.
That's what I want. I'm gagging gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal.
But protein shakes like gym wine. Oh my God.

Speaker 6 And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it?

Speaker 6 Very sweet. It is really super sweet.
And thick, yeah? Aren't they thick? Depends how many scoops you put in. Of the protein powder.
I mean,

Speaker 6 this is for Joel, right? Yeah. So this is going to be one thick protein shake.
Yeah, it'll be quite a thick. It's going to be gross.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God. Protein shake with

Speaker 6 potato fries and

Speaker 6 dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. That could be a little treat.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. We were horrible to Joel.
I now do have protein shakes.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal. God, no.
No.

Speaker 6 It's not your dream drink. It's not my dream drink.
You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up, so I'm going to have a protein shake. Protein shake.
Is that right?

Speaker 6 Sometimes I mix the powder in with yoghurt. Oh,

Speaker 6 Jesus. Jesus Christ.
That really just sounds revolting. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I don't really like dairy-based drinks. Is it dairy-based? There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there, probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you you shake it up.

Speaker 6 Just what every lesbian wants. Okay.

Speaker 6 Some foamy,

Speaker 6 dairy-based,

Speaker 6 clayy drink sticking to my gums. We'll give you a penis straw for it.

Speaker 6 That makes it better. Actually, that makes it much better.

Speaker 6 Okay. Well, this is...
It's going to take a long time to get that. That's going to take a while.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'd have to be

Speaker 6 sucking that penis straw hard. Because as someone who has penis straws,

Speaker 6 the aperture at the top is actually quite small. Quite small, yeah.
Oh, really?

Speaker 6 That's the sight to behold, isn't it? It's just me chowing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries.

Speaker 6 Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nangiani.

Speaker 1 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundled subscribers.

Speaker 15 Make every moment shine with Total Wine and More, where you'll find it all at the lowest prices.

Speaker 20 And for wine lovers, explore everything from velvety pinots to elegant champagnes, ready to pour or share.

Speaker 22 Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina, drink responsibly, B21.

Speaker 6 I'd love to know what the dessert is, James. Sure.
I mean, it's quite a nice bridge, actually, to the dessert, I think, the protein shake. To his credit, he's thought about it.

Speaker 6 He's got like those nachos and the chips and the potato fries, and that's a nice, like, thematic meal. And then the bridge, he's got the protein shake's a little bridge.
To the dessert, it's a...

Speaker 6 strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake

Speaker 6 uh-oh no i thought you'd like this one Yeah. I thought this is like a nice.
I've just told you how I feel about strawberry. Yeah.
And I don't like white chocolate. White chocolate isn't chocolate.

Speaker 6 I don't know what the fuck it is. It's some weird, disgusting, overly sweet confection.
And I don't particularly like cheesecake. So you have given me possibly the worst pudding.

Speaker 6 I thought you changed your mind.

Speaker 6 I've gone 180. I ran.
I've gone 180 and I'm 180 again. I'm 360.
No, I'm livid. This is the most.

Speaker 6 This is

Speaker 6 cheesecake.

Speaker 6 The kids have got to have the cheesecake.

Speaker 6 really it's cheesecake jen you love cheese you love cheese yes but i don't like strawberry white chocolate cheesecake no i wouldn't eat it your kids are gonna throw up in the car on the way home really sick they're sharing it there's two of them it's fine have you let the kids have the protein shake no they're not having that they're gonna that will really make them sick all right the protein shakes in the bin yeah

Speaker 6 i didn't i didn't i had one go on this on the penis straw it wasn't working i've i've beenn't it it's gone it's gone for good i'm I'm sorry to say I didn't even think about the recycling.

Speaker 6 The penis draws gone with it. So yeah.
No, that's all. You're one down.
That's all right. You've got only four shits.
I'll get it in the bin. I'll go and find that penis in the bin.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 What a cup of fuck in a bin.

Speaker 6 The protein shake is the thing that he's got the most amount of grief for since. Yeah.
Since the podcast. Of course.
What do people shout at him? Protein shake wanker. Yeah, you're shitting prick.

Speaker 6 You've tried it.

Speaker 6 Shit, menu domit, that sort of stuff. Shit, menu domit, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 That's gone on for what, like five years whatever it's been how many it's longer that seven years yeah seven years netflix tweeted about it yeah good to know netflix tweeted about yeah someone uh i i did a tweet about uh watching i'd watched a true crime series and i was like i said anyone watch this is absolutely nuts and netflix replied saying not as nuts as someone choosing a protein shake as their dream dream

Speaker 6 i was like well yeah it's made it to netflix hq wow that's quite something you remember when twitter was just like you know really fun stuff

Speaker 6 this show's nuts yeah and then everybody would have have a bit of a laugh and go, I disagree with you. I quite enjoyed it.
Yeah, yeah. And now it's like, oh, fuck yourself, you piece of shit.

Speaker 6 And by the way, your mum's a prick and that

Speaker 6 you've killed your dog. Yeah.

Speaker 6 By the way. By the way, I've killed your dog.
Yeah. It's not even called Twitter anymore.
Yeah. Sounds like something that X is like a popped evil Kadar Vader name.
Yeah. It's not a nice place.

Speaker 6 I'm not on it anymore. I'm not on it.
I'm not on it anymore. I'm off it.
You're not on anything. You're off everything.
I'm off everything.

Speaker 6 Apart from YouTube. How's that? Respect.
lovely love youtube uh

Speaker 6 do you have the comments on or off of youtube yeah i don't watch i don't really sometimes i'll scroll down to the comments but i do it's not it's not stuff about me you know i'm just watching other videos and then sometimes i'm like if i really like someone's really annoying me james is not saying he has an account on youtube that he posts to me

Speaker 6 oh yeah no i just watch i i i'm a watcher i'm a fan bonito would like to point out something with the cheesecake

Speaker 6 oh yeah so this is the cheesecake that joel had when he came up the jungle it was his dream thing to have and they gave it to him and he ate it really quickly and then it made him be sick.

Speaker 6 He vomited.

Speaker 6 He vomited this cheesecake. Yeah.

Speaker 6 But he didn't vomit because he didn't enjoy it. He vomited because he had

Speaker 6 eaten. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
His stomach was not used to taking on dairy.

Speaker 6 Right. All of that dairy, cream,

Speaker 6 heavy stuff. Right.
But he probably, but he enjoyed it, didn't he? Yeah, and I think there was a good comment about he sort of enjoyed it on the way back up again as well.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he tasted nice on the way out. Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 This says so much that he enjoyed the cheesecake on the way up as much as on the way down. Because I think it hadn't been there for long, so it was just the same flavour.
It was the same flavours too.

Speaker 6 Great, great, great.

Speaker 6 Did he think, oh, maybe have another go? Yeah, get it done. Maybe he looked like a dog.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah. And then straight back down again.

Speaker 6 I mean,

Speaker 6 next time I see him. I know Joe pretty well.
And his friend Steve, who helps him build his shows, they've known each other since they were very little.

Speaker 6 And they have the kind of relationship where if one of of them said to the other, dare you to do that,

Speaker 6 they're still at their age now, do it. And if Steve was with him when he puked up the cheesecake, I guess,

Speaker 6 if Steve said to him, because he would have turned to Steve and went, that tasted quite nice, actually, on the way out. And Steve would say to him, eat it again.
He would do it. Joel would do it.

Speaker 6 So you're saying that Joel would have picked up whatever puke he had. He would have done it.

Speaker 6 He would put it back in his mouth. I'm pretty sure I'm not telling tales outside of school there.

Speaker 6 And Joel would agree that if Steve said to him, if it tasted so nice on the way out, I think you should eat it. What's the difference? I really need to speak to Joel's wife.

Speaker 6 I think we need to go out for a drink. Maybe she needs to decompress.
Maybe there's stuff that needs to come up. Not literally.
Not literally, no. We've been through that already.
Yeah, Jesus. Okay.

Speaker 6 Would you go in the jungle? No.

Speaker 6 Can you imagine me in the jungle? Yeah. I would.

Speaker 6 You'd love it. I'd be watching every app.
I know. I mean, I'd have a breakdown day one.

Speaker 6 Can you imagine if I was in the jungle with someone like, I don't know, Nigel Farage or something, would you imagine that I'd be able to hold it together for a day, let alone weeks on end?

Speaker 6 I mean, it wouldn't have to be someone like Nigel Farage. It'd just be anyone.
It could be people who are famously nice.

Speaker 6 And I think you'd lose it day one, like you've been in there for two and a half weeks. Yeah, I wouldn't make it.
Yeah. And I think that Joel was perfect for the

Speaker 6 because he's such a nice bloke. He's just a nice man.
There's no edge to him. He's lovely.
He's the best in everyone. Yeah, he's kind.
He's like, yeah, you know.

Speaker 6 And he'll try to make the best of every situation. Yeah.
Not this lesbian.

Speaker 6 that's the thing imagine like you'd have fans at home wearing not this lesbian t-shirts yeah

Speaker 6 i don't think they'd be i don't think they'd be fans by the end of it by the came out they'd be like shit that woman's unhinged

Speaker 6 i used to like her but uh now that i've discovered what she's really like what a catchphrase not this lesbian not this lesbian

Speaker 6 hey i think that's a t-shirt i think that as merch goes that could work right yeah that's great yeah yeah that's a good tour name not this lesbian

Speaker 6 yeah yeah something to think about that's a good one yeah James, am I going to have to TM you? Am I going to have to give you 10% or something? Yeah. Yeah.
I'm afraid so. Oh my God.

Speaker 6 Because you said it that I told you to have it as your title. You came up with it.
You came up with it. I told you to have it as your tour title.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 6 Well, let's go down to five then. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Fair enough.

Speaker 6 That's good negotiation. You can imagine you get like at the end of every joke getting to it and the whole crowd being like, not this lesbian.

Speaker 6 That's good. The problem is if you sell it as t-shirts, you'll you'll get some straight men who think they're funny buying the t-shirt as well, right? I don't care.
I'm making a profit from that.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I got your money. I got your money.

Speaker 6 Because that's on the back. Yeah.
Only when you sell it to a straight man. Yeah.
You give them one of the ones that say on the back. Yeah.
It's got like a weird transfer, and

Speaker 6 it picks up the heat that only comes from a man. The pheromones from a man's body.
And it's like, I got your money on the back, but not for

Speaker 6 women. Yeah, man.

Speaker 6 I think, I'm sure that you've been been offered the jungle. I mean, yeah, you should probably do it.
I reckon you'd be great on it. James, one, I haven't been offered it.

Speaker 6 And two, if I had, if I ever was,

Speaker 6 no. I don't think there's many.
James is such a little shit as well because he'd never do it. You would never do it.
Yeah, I keep asking them to, and they'd say no.

Speaker 6 Oh, shit. Okay, if there was one of those kind of shows, which one would you do? Well, if I had to do one.
You have to. There is no choice.

Speaker 6 Okay, well, question to the table. Everyone's got to think.
Okay. What their answer is.

Speaker 6 List them no. List them.
Okay, so you've got things like,

Speaker 6 okay, yeah, Strictly,

Speaker 6 obviously the jungle.

Speaker 6 What are the other ones? Are people doing dancing on ice? Dancing on ice.

Speaker 6 Of course. All right, let's say those three.
SAS. The SAS one.
Oh, my God. SAS, yes.
Jesus. Celebrity.
Celebrity big forever. The OG.

Speaker 6 The absolute what? Celebrity Traitors, no? Celebrity Traitors.

Speaker 6 I mean, I'd do Traitors. You'd do Traitors.
I can't do Traitors because I host the extra shows. I can't do Traitors.
Okay, so you do Traitors.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but that's, but you've given me an easy out there because

Speaker 6 that's a fun one. The other ones...
Strictly looks like one of the most stressful things ever.

Speaker 6 I definitely have a breakdown on Strictly. I definitely have a breakdown in the jungle.
I think I would do... And I'm not going to do it if they're listening.

Speaker 6 Which they definitely will be. They'll find out about this.
Yeah, they're going to find out.

Speaker 6 But I would do the ice skating one to learn to ice skate. Oh, my God.
Really? Yeah, just to learn to ice skate.

Speaker 6 I think even imagining that for me is enough to entertain me for the rest of the day. What about, oh my God, I really want you to do it now.
You have to do it, James. The ice skating.

Speaker 6 Yeah, because I think, you know what? You've got the physique. Who is that guy? Torville, Dean.
Those guys. Yes.
You look like the Dean guy, Chris. Yes.
Because of your physique, long legs.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but I can imagine him all

Speaker 6 trying to balance on the ice, like one of those things outside a car.

Speaker 6 Actually, I went on a first date once ice skating with someone when I was like... In my late teens.
In Kettering. Yeah, in Kettering.
Went to the ice skating. And I never really ice skated before.

Speaker 6 And she said I was like a newborn baby giraffe. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm imagining.
I mean, I 100%. I don't think anything's changed.
Yeah. Can you skate now?

Speaker 6 No, I've not been again, really, since then.

Speaker 6 I imagine ice skating and skiing terrible. They used to do a ski jump one, didn't they? Celebrity ski jump.
Oh, yeah. Didn't Marcus Brigstock do that in Marcus Legs? Legstock did.

Speaker 6 Wow. They just want to kill us, TV production companies.
They're like, what way can we like purposely?

Speaker 6 I'd do the SAS one, but I'd definitely break something or have some sort of diabetic panic within the first 10 minutes.

Speaker 6 I think that sounds horrendous. I wouldn't do the SAS.
I definitely wouldn't do the skating on ice. I would definitely do Traitors and I would probably try Strictly.
I would never get asked.

Speaker 6 You will get asked. I will get asked.
But I wouldn't. Absolutely.

Speaker 6 I don't think. I think I'd like to learn how to do some dancing.
Yeah. Yeah.
They definitely ask you to do strictly. I reckon you're going to do strictly now.

Speaker 6 Just imagine at the end of like a dance, just you being like spun round on the floor and then you land in this position with your head in your hand and

Speaker 6 you write down the camera and you go, nut this lesbian. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Tens from the judges? Yeah. Tens all round.

Speaker 6 Do you watch Strictly? Do you know who you would like as your dance partner? I don't know who I'd like as a dance partner. Oh, I tell you who I'd like.

Speaker 6 Yes, I like that. The tall South African guy.
Jojo. Jojo.
Oh, yeah, I have him. He's been, he's sat in that seat.
He's been, he's delightful. Yeah, he's amazing.
Also, I feel very safe in his hands.

Speaker 6 He's very strong, and I think he would be able able to lift up my weight.

Speaker 6 My mum went to see him in kinky boots

Speaker 6 in Milton Keynes, said he was amazing. And apparently, my sister had to talk my mum out of bringing a sign that said, James Acaster says hello,

Speaker 6 which I did not tell her

Speaker 6 to do. Like it was the wrestling.
Yeah, I was like,

Speaker 6 a musical. I love it.
Maybe you could have come up with one of those horns as well. Yeah, yeah.
Avivizalo. Well, he's from.
Avivizelo, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 He would have loved that he would have loved it he would have loved it it's a shame that didn't happen actually maybe we can recreate that on another occasion when he's performing in another you know musical yeah maybe we met him now so it'd be even weirder well we'd met we met

Speaker 6 that would be why it was weird yeah we met him then and it was like it made me feel i was like mum if you had done that and he'd seen that and thought i'd sent you along to do that i've met him like a couple of times now but not well enough i love that your mum thought that was a good idea she sounds great yeah she's like she's like move move won't won't let me do it yes

Speaker 6 okay mum

Speaker 6 thank god my sister was there with her with her new name

Speaker 6 um so you had sparkling water you had none you had nacho chicken nachos chipped bean sausage and cheese sweet potato fries a protein shake and strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake yeah it's awful all of it terrible most of it's gone to your kids or in the bin right it's in the bin or with my children yeah yeah i'm hungry yeah there's nothing left i'm taking it That's it.

Speaker 6 What are you gonna get on the way home? So it's late now, the meal's finished, it's like 11 p.m.

Speaker 6 Your options are limited. What are you grabbing on the way home?

Speaker 6 Is that it? That's the meal. That's it.
There's nothing else. He hasn't had like a dessert wine or anything.
No, no, he's just a punchy shake for the whole thing.

Speaker 6 What about that menu suggested dessert wine? We're suddenly going to swing it back round and go, yeah, he's going to have a 1992 Sauteur.

Speaker 6 I don't know why I said that.

Speaker 6 Or, or I thought he might have had an espresso. Yeah.

Speaker 6 That's a a possibility. He could have had an espresso.
That would have been fine. Okay.
Did he? He didn't. He didn't.

Speaker 6 I mean, there's a possibility that he had one before he came into the studio because, you know, his choices were all over the place. But, like, yeah.
There's nothing. He does like that.
So we're done.

Speaker 6 After pudding, there's nothing. That's it.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
You guys, this is a terrible situation. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 If you, if, when you leave the dream restaurant, if you want to grab something, what would you grab on the way home to fill you up? It's open. Kebab? Kebab, yeah.
Yeah, I'll go have a lambshiche.

Speaker 6 Is there somewhere in Brighton where you'd recommend for a lambshiche?

Speaker 6 They're all pretty grim.

Speaker 6 Fair bit.

Speaker 6 You can't go wrong with a lamb chiche, though. Yeah, you've got to go chiche.
You've got to go chiche. No, donner.
I've got sheesh and no chips. I don't need any more chips.
No.

Speaker 6 Extra salad, loads of chili sauce. Let's go.

Speaker 6 I mean, you're bound to bump into Joel again after this. Oh, oh, don't think for one second I'm not going to get him in a headlock over this.
This is absolutely shocking. I can't believe.

Speaker 6 Joel, if you're listening, you should should be ashamed of yourself

Speaker 6 for one, choosing this menu. And secondly, that I've had to eat it.

Speaker 6 How? I hope you can sleep tonight. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I will say, and Joel's slight defence. No, there is no defence.

Speaker 6 If he did it at the menu again, it would be different now. He has told me he's got better taste.
You've got to get him back on. Yeah, we'll get him back on.
Maybe we'll give him your menu.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I don't think he'll like my menu. I can't remember what I chose, but there was quite a lot of fish, wasn't there? Riddling Finns.
You went to Riddling Finns. Did I go there? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I love it there.

Speaker 6 he might not like the cheese board i don't know yeah good

Speaker 6 extra blue cheese on there for you joel dommit

Speaker 6 well jen um do you think you reacted to that menu in the way that we'd hoped i think i bloody well did yeah you smashed it i think you got exactly what you wanted and you're welcome yeah that was it didn't even cross our minds to give you a nice one

Speaker 6 thank you i appreciate it thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant jen oh it was a real i'd like to say it was a pleasure. I'm absolutely furious.
Thank you. Just what we'd hope.

Speaker 6 Well, she didn't enjoy that, James.

Speaker 6 No,

Speaker 6 I mean,

Speaker 6 went quite bad.

Speaker 6 She apparently left Joel a voicemail, which

Speaker 6 we'll try and get hold of. Voice note.
So we can play it.

Speaker 6 Maybe at the end of the, maybe after the... Granddad, that's saying that's me, Ned.
Maybe after the

Speaker 6 after the music, after the outro music for this podcast, if we can get hold of that and play it, because she sent Joel a

Speaker 6 quite angry about it. Pretty angry message.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Pretty much as soon as she left the studio. Yeah.
And Joel has messaged us and said, look at what I've just got. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So, like, maybe.

Speaker 6 With their permission, we can play that at the end. Yes, Benita can pop that in at the end.
Thank you, Benito. Don't forget, Jen is on tour with her new show, Reactive.
Go and check that out.

Speaker 6 And also go to allourlations.co.uk and look at donating to Jen's incredible non-profit.

Speaker 6 There's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to try and make lives a bit easier for families in crisis in Gaza. So please go and have a look at that.

Speaker 6 We've got to start thinking about who we're going to get on this next and if we're going to give them a bad meal to

Speaker 6 a bad diner. Yes.
A bad dinner guest should get a bad meal from someone. Yeah.
Some suggestions to Great Belito.

Speaker 6 I mean, we've done it a couple of times where we've got good good diners and given them bad menus yeah so jen and bridget yeah because we find them funny when they're angry yeah yeah that's a laugh yeah that is a laugh but if you could give benito your suggestions for bad dinner guests who deserve bad menus yeah which bad menus they should get that you know that he'll love that yeah he'll love that sign shopping board obviously everyone who tweets him gets a signed chopping board i love that you're still on twitter in your head huh yeah that's hard tweets aren't really the thing anymore man people don't do that anymore no writing letters written covers back to the back yeah it's back why they do that have you left that as well yeah i left i could quit it was bad for my head

Speaker 6 you're getting so many rude letters it's bad for my head man i could i just kid kept on looking at the post every morning

Speaker 6 33 for any mention of yourself in everyone's letters every five seconds each day i've went to the post box

Speaker 6 nothing there go again

Speaker 6 It'd make me sad if there was nothing there. And then if there was something there, oh no, I'd look at it.
Yeah. Bleep me out even if it was nice i feel feel dirty for having looked at it you know

Speaker 6 thank you very much for listening to off menu as always bye-bye bye

Speaker 26 Mate, I just did off menu. It's a new one where you have to eat somebody else's chosen menu.

Speaker 26 Anyway, I don't think you'll be surprised to hear I had to eat your abomination. I just can't believe that of all the food you could have chosen, you had nachos

Speaker 26 followed by chips, cheese, sausage and beans

Speaker 26 paired with sweet potato fries and a fucking protein shake. Are you out of your mind?

Speaker 26 Joel, it was a shocker every single time. I went, okay, so at least what am I drinking? Tell me I'm drinking something nice.
Oh, a protein shake. Literally go fuck yourself.

Speaker 26 And I mean, I'm still in shock. I can't believe it.

Speaker 26 I mean, I'll be honest with you. I didn't take it well.
And it wasn't even made to eat it. That's how bad it was.
I'm still reeling.

Speaker 6 Anyway, hope you're well, mate.

Speaker 15 Make every moment shine with total wine and more, where you'll find it all at the lowest prices.

Speaker 22 Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.

Speaker 17 Drink responsibly.

Speaker 16 Be 21.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Kamal Nangiani.

Speaker 4 I promise you're going to laugh.

Speaker 1 Night Thoughts is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 10 That wasn't my call. If it wasn't my call, terms would not apply, but it's not my call.

Speaker 27 Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

Speaker 27 Whole Foods Market is your holiday headquarters with everything you need, whether you're a guest or hosting the big dinner, with show-stopping centerpiece means like bone-in spiral-cut ham, or bone-in rib roast, or even king crab.

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