Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)

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Uh-oh,

it's a tasting menu.

I love the tasting menus.

Is there anything I'd say at the top?

I think, well, no, because normally you look confused because I don't do my normal intro to the pod.

It's the off-menu podcast, by the way.

But it's a tasting menu, which means we have a previous guest on and we give them the menu of another previous guest.

It's a really good format.

It's a really good format, and it's been a hit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it's been a hit.

It's been a hundred.

And guess who we got?

I don't need to guess.

What?

I don't need need to guess i know who we've got

this week being given an off menu tasting menu is jen brister the wonderful jen brister what a fantastic comedian and person she is james such a wonderful comic now when jen was on this podcast originally I was very mean to her and shouted at her.

She was one of the first people, the earliest people, to choose a cheese board.

Yeah.

I absolutely flew off the handle.

I was livid.

So this might be more of a redemption episode for me.

Yes, I think so.

You know, I can maybe learn from my past behavior, conduct myself with a bit more dignity and

just practice some good manners, I think.

It hasn't happened yet, I don't think, in your life.

Not yet.

Where you've learned from previous mistakes and conducted yourself in a

sort of human and polite way.

Yes, and that's what makes us so excited.

I might finally do it.

Yeah.

And I'll be pretty happy with that.

You know, Jen's a good, that's a good opportunity.

Yes.

I think Jen would allow me that.

I do worry that we've maybe already not done that because the menu that we're going to give Jen

is the menu of Joel Domet.

We're giving her Joel Domet's menu.

It was instantly rude of us.

The first bad menu we had on the podcast, I think, and still is probably up there with the worst ever.

Yeah, it's really...

The listeners still haven't let it go.

No.

It's still not out of his life.

Yeah.

And we're about to introduce it into someone else's life who I'm pretty sure has no idea about it.

And does not want it.

Jen will not want this.

No, I can't imagine Jen wanting this meal.

It would have been something if we got back, you know, someone who had had a bad menu and gave them this, they, I mean, that would be interesting to do in the future.

In the future, we should probably get someone whose menu was awful, give them another awful menu, and they might be like, this is delicious, I love it.

Yeah.

But this is not going to be the case today.

We're deliberately annoying Jen because it's funny to us when Jen gets angry.

Jen is very funny when she's angry.

So, yeah, I mean, we're just getting a friend on and ruining their day.

Yes, apologies, Jen, because Jen is a wonderful person doing wonderful things at the moment.

Her non-profit, All Our Relations, is fantastic.

Uh, they put gigs on, but also you can go to their website and donate.

They're helping families in Gaza, uh, supporting them in crisis, providing them with legal, logistical, and emotional support that they need to rebuild their lives with dignity.

So, you can give monthly, uh, you can donate uh today, whatever you want to do, whatever you can give.

Obviously, at the minute, the situation in Gaza needs all of us behind it and all of us helping everybody there.

I mean, it is, as it says on the website, a crisis.

Yes, absolutely.

So go to allourrelations.co.uk and you can donate to this brilliant non-profit, which is helmed by the amazing Jen Brister.

Having said all of that, we love Jen and we love all the work she's doing, both.

creatively and for charity, but we have got her into the studio to make her angry.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't reflect great on us.

Really, when you think about it, it doesn't reflect very well on us at all.

But, you know, rarely do we come out of this podcast smelling of roses.

No, very true.

No secret ingredient today, though.

So Jen will not be kicked out.

She'll just have to live in her anger.

Yes.

She can thank us for that.

So let's get on with it.

This is the tasting menu of Jen Brister.

Welcome back, Jen, to the Dream Restaurant.

Good to see you, Jen.

Wow, guys, after the last time I was here, so much has happened and my tastes have changed dramatically.

Have they?

Yes.

So whatever you're going to offer me, I think you think you know what I'm going to like, but you don't.

We don't know.

Honestly, as you get older,

your tastes, they really, they can do a complete handbreak turn.

Really?

Yeah.

So talk us through it then compared to because it's been a long time since you've been in the dream restaurant.

It's been a long time.

And I feel like last time there was some kind of a hoo-ha about dessert.

Right.

But yeah, you chose a cheese board.

Yeah.

I chose a cheese board, which.

Oh, I just remembered that I'd forgotten.

Yeah.

How could you forget that?

One of the first people to choose a cheeseboard.

Because a few people have since.

Chosen a cheese board.

Did they get the same reaction that I got when I chose?

Okay, good.

Fine.

Because that was quite extreme.

The worst was on...

We did one on Zoom during lockdown with Dolly Alderton and James shut his laptop and logged out the Zoom.

What did Dolly choose?

Cheese board.

Oh, good for her.

That's the treatment she got.

This is exactly why Dolly and I connect.

Yes.

over cheese.

Over cheese.

Yeah.

But have your tastes changed?

My tastes may have changed, so I don't want you to be assuming that I will be anti-pudding.

Are you telling me that you would choose an actual dessert now?

Yeah, I might.

Like, if we were to do your dream menu all over again, you might not choose a cheeseboard?

I might not.

Wow.

Something to think about.

You still like cheese, right?

I still love cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But maybe I had an effect on you, had an influence on you.

Yeah, it was tough love, but it's changed you for the better.

Is that what you're saying?

No.

I'm just saying that I've matured like a fine cheddar like a fine exactly I'm just saying that I'm not I'm more complicated than you think I am I'm a complex individual and I think you may have put me into the cheese zone and I want to say that I want you to know that this could go anywhere today well maybe I should apologize my previous behavior when you're on the podcast it was a bit too reactive looking back oh okay it was a genuine apology it was a link into your tour jen i loved it let's talk about reactive it's going you're hitting the road you must be excited i know that you love going on tour

i do james thank you i am as we know a very positive individual that loves being on the road and that hasn't changed since i've turned 50.

no i'm i'm really looking forward to it uh the uk island in october so yeah amazing amazing it's very exciting and like do is there anything you can reveal about the show yet what do you what do you mean

there any

subjects?

Is it about anything?

Is there

reactive?

It's me reacting to things.

Is it like a YouTube thing where you play clips, viral clips, and then you react to them?

Is it you reacting to your own viral clips?

Oh, yeah, because you've got viral clips now.

When we originally had you on the podcast.

I wasn't viral.

You weren't viral.

You know what you are?

You were nothing.

I was a nobody.

And you guys picked me up off the...

off the curb yeah yeah yeah scraped me off bonito said should we get jen brister on the show and me and james went she's nothing i know who i am i didn't know who it was even though we'd worked together for a good 10 years you still didn't know

yeah

2009 2009 we did edinburgh together yeah you were in a gold lame suit never forget it was your gold lame suit was my gold lame it was it was the it was the final it was the final night of the fringe and jen wore a a wonderful gold lame uh how would you describe it i would call it a onesie onesie yeah uh for her final performance and when she came off stage i hadn't planned anything i said go go and get changed again and then I'm wearing that.

Yep.

And so Ed came out in.

Yeah, I mean,

it was good.

I enjoyed it.

You could address the elephant in the room.

I was a lot fatter.

Yeah.

Also, there was a lot of body.

There was a lot going on.

You had to defocus your eyes below the waist.

Other than that.

I looked like a fat Oscar.

You looked gorgeous.

Yes.

Oh, I know.

I know.

There was a reason I wore it.

It's for...

Well, it's for comedy.

Anyway.

For comedy and for hotness.

For the hotness.

But now here I am.

and despite my celebrity here I am back on the podcast a mystery for

I mean this tour is going to be huge I already know it's going to be sold out every single night I don't know why we're bothering promoting it.

You're a big deal now Briska.

It's going to be jam-packed.

I hope so.

I hope to do buy a ticket.

Yes.

I'm doing London is at the Apollo and so that's slightly stressful as I'm sure both of you.

have done it before but i haven't so yeah that's a bit of a stress but you know buy a ticket but also I'm very relaxed about it.

Yeah, you seem pretty chill about that.

I do.

I am.

Are you going to pick on the front row?

No, I don't.

Am I going to pick on the front row?

No, because it's not.

You might be scared to set on the phone.

Heckler's welcome.

No, heckler's not welcome.

I didn't pick on them.

I'm literally not going to.

You can guarantee that I won't be talking to anyone.

I've written a show.

Yeah, yeah.

I've written actual jokes.

Just come and have a laugh at those.

What if someone's wearing a really funny hat?

Yeah.

On the front row?

Are you going to mention that?

And you're like a hundred dates in.

Yeah.

You know, you've done the material a billion times and you look down and there's someone and they're wearing like a big, like, a big, like a hand for a hat.

Like it's a huge hand on there.

What?

Why are they wearing that?

You don't know that.

You're going to look.

Okay.

Am I going to comment on that?

Are you asking me?

Well, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you're really.

You can't do a show called Reactive and then ignore someone with a big hand.

I think that's a big hands.

Like when people wear the gladiators.

Also, they're going to be blocking the people behind them.

Of course they're going to say that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you're filming it, you get a a viral clip out of that yeah you get a viral you go viral again and you love that

yeah I mean that's thanks for the tips guys

I'll take it's all on board now and I can't wait for the person with the hand hat in fact I might actually have if you see a clip going out yeah it isn't the plant that was suggested by James A.

Caster and Ed Campbell no it is actually me reacting yes to something in the room you're welcome you're going to be livid if that actually happens now someone's got a big hand hat on you.

This is a complete podcast.

Your fans are completely batshit.

That's the kind of thing that they do.

Oh, let's go find a center.

Let's see if Jim Bristol.

This is very hilarious.

Viral.

So the front though with a hand hat on.

Yeah.

You go into them.

Yeah.

It goes viral.

Jembristo.co.uk for tickets.

Yes.

Go.

Get yourself one.

You won't regret it.

I'm so good at promo, Jen.

I know.

It's one of my forties.

Thank God the things went viral.

Otherwise I fucked.

We've got a tasting menu for you, Jen.

Yeah, I'm excited.

As you know, we're going to basically be presenting you with the menu of another guest who's been on.

So this is a previous guest that we've had and you're going to be having their dream meal.

Okay.

Who are you hoping for?

Is there anyone who, you know,

you know, so many guests that have been on this podcast.

Is there any that you would go?

I hope it's that person.

I hope I get their menu.

I was hoping to have Miriam Margley's menu, but you've already given that away.

straight away to john kern's first one yeah i cannot believe i didn't get miriam margley's that was that would have been the perfect menu that i know i i know i would have loved it whatever it was it would have been right up my alley so that's who i was hoping for i didn't get miriam so i'm gonna go paul rudd you like paul rudd's menu yeah why not yeah that was a solid menu from the menu i think you like that nothing too controversial jen can i ask a question when you because you know that we're picking the menu for you

and as we said before before we started recording we said we you know sometimes we pick menus that we think that people will like or they'll find interesting or that we'll get a reaction out of them for okay what sort of reaction do you think we're shooting for from you when we're picking the menu ed yes i am pretty much 100 certain that both you and james have picked a menu that you think i am going to hate

am i correct well we'll see

we're not gonna like you just

can't predict you james i absolutely know this is going to be a menu i'm not going to like but here

because yeah well you've changed you said you've changed since the first time you were in the dream restaurant.

Yeah, so I can't predict you.

Okay, well, let's see.

What have you got for me?

Am I allowed to know whose menu it is, or is it happening at the end?

Joel Domit's menu.

Joel, okay, so there's going to be a lot of meat.

Meat heavy?

We'll see.

We'll see, won't we?

You don't seem scared.

You seem

quite happy about it.

Nice guy.

Joel's a nice guy.

I love Joel.

Joel was one of the earliest episodes, and there was a lot of reaction online for his menu.

So it was popular.

Okay.

it was a big Joel's menu I'd say was a big moment in the history of this podcast I'm gonna say there's gonna be too much food okay that's interesting because he's because he's like ripped and yeah because he's gonna there's gonna be it's gonna be protein heavy right it's gonna be like six roast chickens it's gonna be a steak you're gonna be like some of the steak is raw and maybe a pint of like whole milk uh three pints of guinness

and

yeah he likes guinness and uh the dessert's going to be like vomit making.

It's going to be gross.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I'm predicting.

And then he's burning it off in the gym.

Well, I won't be burning it off in the gym.

That's the problem.

But yes.

And then he'll be like, you know, pressing, pulling, punching.

Pressing, pulling and punching.

Yeah, that's what he does.

It's classic three Ps.

Look, nice and easy to start.

He's got some sparkling water.

Okay.

I like sparkling water.

We're on to a great start.

Great.

Okay.

I can't remember if you chose still or sparkling.

I think I chose sparkling water.

So that's good.

And also, I chose bread, which both of you were appalled by.

Really?

You chose bread?

Yeah, there was bread.

There was bread or something else I could choose.

Pomodoms, but we were appalled that you chose.

Yeah, you said,

James, you in particular were like, I don't eat bread.

I gave up bread ages ago.

Bread's for losers.

And I was like, yeah, who eats bread anymore?

I was like, I do.

I love bread.

It doesn't feel like we would have said that.

It doesn't feel like you would have said that.

I didn't say that.

I eat bread all the time.

Good.

I love it.

Yeah.

Were you trying to make Jen so angry in the first time we recorded that yeah maybe everything jen said you said i said no i was eating bread

the ips

maybe i did maybe i did for a laugh did you get because james does give things up quite a lot i think you'd given up bread at the time maybe you don't maybe you've given up bread something about gluten you were bread free maybe and i turned up saying i love bread and you were appalled wow yeah i've changed i guess have you which bread are you into all of them yeah i love them i love bread i you know i'm not eating it all the time but like

pretty regularly yeah had some nice bread yesterday i had some sourdough for kacha yesterday oh amazing delicious with some olive oil bread and that butter with and sometimes they put salt on top of the butter what's that about yeah delicious incredible well it needs it i mean you know the more salt the better i say that's what i say hey i i had some bread at the weekend what kind uh gail's sourdough okay and for the starter i made um toasted sourdough with bone marrow did bone marrow in the oven with the shallot and parsley salad salad, St.

John's style.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask you how that went.

That's

really good.

You're full gourmet now.

Yeah, that was full gourmet.

That was a rare gourmet.

You are.

That's quite.

I mean, I don't know anyone that's like, oh, just for lunch, I just got the old bone marrow out.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not doing that every week.

Do you know where he got it from?

He got it from a butcher's that he likes.

And it's because he watched the finale of Severance.

And he was so,

like, he had so much adrenaline afterwards, just pinging around in his body and so much energy that he walked two hours to the butcher's.

And then

he decided when he was at the butcher's, he decided to buy some meat so he could have.

My favorite butcher's is two hours' walk from my house.

So quite often when I go there, I'll go, I'm just going to walk to the butcher's because it makes me feel like I'm in Charles Dickens time.

Oh, I didn't know it was the Charles Dickens.

Well, walking to the butcher's in London on a nice day, you know, hello, everyone, top of the morning.

That is waving at kids and stuff.

I mean, why is it two hours away from there's nothing closer?

That is, and that is.

There probably is something closer, but I've just decided I like that butcher's wow two hours is quite the schlep yes for some bone marrow and then two hours back a four hour round trip

okay fair play i bought a steak as well i bought a big galician ribeye bone on the bone what i mean this is fair i don't think i have a butcher's near me where they do that you can get sausages and you can get mints i think if you call them and ask for for bone marrow yeah they definitely do because they'll have bones knocking around

they're a byproduct of what they do something to look forward to is there anyone or anything, and don't just say no straight away

that you would walk two hours for, if you think about it?

What, in terms of food?

No, just anyone or anything.

Anyone in your life that you would walk two hours to see, if you're honest?

Say your kids, John.

Well, obviously, my children.

You would walk two hours?

Of course, I'd walk two hours to see my family.

I would walk two hours to see my brother.

Yeah.

And I think there are certain friends of mine I would make that effort.

Name the fence.

God.

Name them.

I'm not going to name them them because if I name them, they're going to be like, well, why wasn't I named?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

Okay.

I'm going to see my friend, Julia Westwood.

That's her maiden name, not her married name.

But that's how I always know her.

And I'm seeing her tonight, and I would walk two hours to see her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

you don't believe in her marriage.

I don't acknowledge her wedding.

I don't acknowledge her.

Julia Marshall is her.

But I know what's Julia Westwood.

Do you know when you know someone from when you're little?

That is their name.

And whenever I say her name, it's always Julia Westwood.

I never just say Julia.

She is, I'm going to see Julia Westwood.

How's Julia Westwood?

Julia Westwood's great.

Yeah.

Sometimes I'll still accidentally call my sister by her maiden name, which is my

spoiler.

Yeah, of course.

I feel pathetic.

I've still got my sister's maiden name.

You haven't moved on, James.

You're such a loser.

You're such a loser.

You're going to have my sister's maiden.

That's really sad.

I've still got my sister's maiden name.

Why don't you take your sister's married name?

Yeah, yeah.

I should do that, really.

Be a grown-up, move on with my life.

Instead, I've forgot the name that she had when she she was a little baby

really embarrassing

walking around calling myself james a castle

one day you will be a grown-up but today's not that day yeah oh that is that is disappointing actually

now i say it like that

um well good good news on the bread front joel did choose bread he chose naan bread naan naan sorry not naan bread oh i just said the the awful the the white faux pas saying naan bread you're just supposed to say naan no naan because i said bread bread didn't didn't I?

Bread bread.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Naan, I like naan.

What kind of naan?

Just plain naan garlic na na na na na na na.

I just said naan.

I mean,

he didn't seem to give a no.

I imagine it was probably pechewari.

It's probably the one we're doing.

No, my least favourite.

Is that your favourite?

Peshwari.

Let's rank the naans for God's sake.

I think garlic naan is the best.

Garlic naan steemera uno.

I think garlic naan is the one I'd always go for because it's got a little something extra, but it's not, it's accompanying the meal.

It's not invading the meal.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And it's got butter on it.

That's great.

it's a little bit salty it's got the garlic on it the pechwari non what's that it's got was it coconut coconut sultanas sometimes in there I mean I do like it I will say with a very very spicy

tomato based curry it does work if it's like super spicy it cuts through the spice quite nicely see this is why I do this podcast with this guy he knows he knows stuff about that I I was about to say my problem with pechwari nine is like where do you even put it in a meal like where do you have it he knows Ed knows well that's where I do it but you know different tastes for different um I don't know.

For me, it's like,

do I want a pudding with my tomato-based curry?

No.

No.

Well, that's fair enough.

It's like having

macaroons.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't want a macaroon with one.

Peshwari nanan is the equivalent.

Not with my gel frazier.

Yeah, yeah.

That is like sort of, you know, a macaroon with my gel frozy.

Right.

Yeah.

Kimanan is another option, which is

the mince meat one.

But that one can be okay if it's got loads of chili in it.

You had a really quima naan with mince and very, very, very spicy green chili.

Oh, just get in there.

Yes.

But also, like, I find that that one feels like a meal in

and of itself, yeah.

So, like, I wouldn't put it as high as garlic.

I'd be garlic number one, then quema, then Peshwari, then the plain one last.

They do a cheese one in some places.

No.

What?

I'm pretty sure at Kismet in Edinburgh, they do it.

They do it.

Oh, they do like a

paneer one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, Kismet do some white.

Yeah, Kismet do some white.

I'm okay with the paneer.

You'd be okay with the Pinier Naan.

You don't seem like you would be.

Well, I just felt your reaction originally was like, what no?

Just up in the tail.

Just for the listener, because Benito will edit himself out.

Joel said originally, Popadoms, but he thought he was saying naan.

Right.

So in his head, he was saying...

Pop-a-doms are naan.

That's what he thought.

Okay.

He thought that pop-adoms

were naan, so he was getting confused.

But then he realised that pop-adoms weren't naan, and that's why he went for naan.

I think we probably had to tell him.

Um, my family was watching Mars Singer together.

He's so good on that.

He's so good on it.

He's amazing on that.

He's incredible on it.

And

my dad, who, you know, is not the best at just keeping a thought in his head, just went, he's so strikingly attractive.

Just a strikingly attractive man.

He really is.

He's very easy on the eye.

And when he takes his top off, everyone's looking.

Everyone's looking, of course.

We're all having a look, aren't we?

We can't help ourselves.

Yeah, we're looking.

We're only human.

Of course.

Am I right?

Yeah.

We're not made out of stone.

No, he's easy.

He is.

He's cheese.

Yes.

He's been carved by

Raphael.

The turtle.

Yes, the turtle.

Joel's Dream Starter, which is what you're going to have.

Okay, all right, let's go.

This is where we really get.

This is where we're going to get into it.

We'll get into the pop and meal.

Yeah, because we've been fine.

We've had sparkling water and none and i'm really happy i'm gonna tell you what he ordered i'm also gonna tell you the reason why he ordered it okay

nachos because you never know how big they're gonna be what

are you talking about nachos because you never know how big they're gonna be what does that even mean so what you don't know if you're gonna be a starter or a make well he's ordered it for a starter but like he's like you never know how big the nachos are gonna be when you order them and he likes the surprise of how how much you get so you might get too many nachos and he's like wow this is great yeah or you might might not get enough nachos.

I mean, no one's ever had not enough nachos.

Yeah, that's a very good point.

I mean, I've never seen a plate of nachos and thought, what this needs is more nachos.

I've thought, okay, well, there's never enough topping.

Sure.

Too many nachos, not enough cheese, not enough of the guacamole and the nice stuff.

And then all this dry, I don't get nachos.

Nachos are an abomination.

They are abhorrent.

And I would never order nachos.

If it was the last thing on the menu, I would not order nachos.

And nachos is for children.

Sure, my kids eat nachos.

I am 50 years of age.

Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top?

I am an adult.

Joel, you made a terrible decision.

And if you're listening to this, shame on you.

Too many people have been nice to him about this menu.

So it's good.

It's good.

I don't know if he said what he wanted on them.

I mean, basically, no, he did.

He said chicken.

Chicken.

Oh, yeah.

The worst, the worst.

Topping you could put on nachos.

And it won't be nice chicken.

No.

Whatever Whatever you're getting on top of a nacho, it's always bottom of the

squeezy, weird cheese and the jalapeno things from a jar.

And that salsa, it's like, that's not salsa.

What is this?

And then the chicken.

I don't even know.

Yeah, it's like little bits of like shredded chicken on there, I guess, you know, with the watery salsa and the

plastic cheese.

Does Joel like food?

Well, you just draw your own conclusions as it, as the menu progresses, really if joel likes food or not um i'm not eating nachos so they've gone to one side you won't eat them no your kids with you they can eat them my kids can eat them sure yeah maybe chloe my partner she'll eat them she loves nachos oh there you go i know i don't even know like how we got together i'm like this is unacceptable at what age do you think you stopped were you like now i'm old enough now i can reject nachos I don't think I ever liked nachos.

I don't think even as a kid, I was like, wow, this.

I think the first time I had nachos, I was probably not that young, maybe like 20 or something.

And I was like, why are we eating this what is this i mean it's fine it's not a meal i mean i completely agree with whenever i i get excited to order nachos if i've not had them in a long time uh but then they arrive and you look at all the toppings and you're really excited and then you realize there's four layers of completely dry crisps underneath yeah and it's impossible to to maneuver what you really need is a bowl of crisps and then all the toppings in bowls in front of you so you can just dip each one yes but also the other thing i don't like about nachos you're sharing nachos often and everyone's double dipping yeah they're having a bite of a crisp and then they're dipping it back in and then they're having a bite what are you doing yeah

i'm not you're never just eating watery salsa you're eating watery salsa mixing with your friend's spittle and you know especially if you're eating them with your kids right they're little illness machines yes with their little feral fingers yeah yeah i mean look i love all my nephews but any time something like that is on the table i'm like you you go for it guys

i'm not sharing that with you.

Yeah.

No, and you're right not to.

We're all going to get COVID at the end of these nachos.

Yeah, these are COVID nachos.

This is pre-COVID.

This is Joel's nachos.

This is pre-COVID when he chose them.

So that's a good question.

That's a good question.

Now, are we giving you pre-COVID nachos?

Because that's when Joel chose it.

Post-COVID.

Or is there the risks of COVID and everything?

I'm going to say that these are probably post-COVID nachos.

I don't think the pre-COVID nachos would have survived.

When restaurants came back, did they wait longer to bring like chain Mexican restaurants back?

Because of the nachos, because of the coconuts.

Yeah, I think you probably find that Oaxaca's was closed for a lot longer than Wagamamas.

They refused to take nachos off the menu.

They're like, we, we belong, nachos belong in our menu.

In fact, I don't even know if they have nachos and they've got those posh nachos, haven't they?

Yeah, I'm not sure they do.

Nachos.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, but they're no better.

No.

Wagamam was hit hard with the social distancing, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Because they fucking love to cram a million.

They love it.

They love it to be opposite, next door, on top.

It was always going to come back and bite them.

Actually, the way we work here is we'll put you on top of this person.

Is that all right?

If you just sit directly on them, they're absolutely fine.

They'll be leaving in fine.

So you haven't eaten the nachos, fair enough.

You've not even pecked at them?

Did we talk about the topping?

You said chicken.

Chicken and cheese and...

Well, because he's not specified.

I mean, there's obviously going to be cheese on there.

Chicken.

Oh, guacamole.

There's some guacamole on there.

Made in Mexico properly, because that was one of his nice memories.

Oh, okay.

So decent guacamole.

Being in Mexico with Nish and having some guacamole made fresh for them and it being incredible.

Okay, well, fresh made guacamole tastes completely different and is definitely worth a dip.

It goes lovely with chicken nachos.

I've dodged the chicken and I've just headed for the guac.

Yes.

Okay, yeah, you've got a chicken.

Sour cream is the main thing about the sour cream.

Sour cream,

only if the salsa is great.

If the salsa's great, you need a bit of sour cream, but if the salsa's shit, we don't need sour cream.

He didn't specify if the salsa was good, he was guac-focused.

He was very guack-focused.

Joel, we're gonna have to have words

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The main course.

This is Joel's dream main course.

Okay.

This is going to be meat heavy, I bet.

Chips, beans, sausages, and cheese.

Get the fuck out!

Chips, bean.

He can have any fucking meal.

He's had nachos and now chips, beans, sausage, and cheese.

What the fuck is wrong with Joel?

Well, you're having it as well, Jen.

I don't want chips, beans.

The canteen at school is why he likes it.

That's why I wanted it.

It reminds him of the canteen at school.

He wanted chips, beans!

Because he wanted to be reminded of shit food when he was a teenager.

Yeah, well, I think there were nice memories for him being in the school canteen.

I think Joel had a nicer time at school than most people.

I think he did.

I mean, I don't have like horrendous memories, but I don't have hugely happy memories.

And I certainly don't have happy memories of being in the canteen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chips, cheese, and beans.

And you had that because literally everything else was inedible.

Yeah.

They'd sometimes do like a breaded chicken thing or they'd do fish and chips.

And the fish was like, you know, like entirely batter.

And then you'd look, there'd be zero fish in there.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever have the rib do you remember the rib what was the rib definitely did not have the rib enough of rib at mind like recon no it's like reconstituted meat oh pressed it was like a patty but like pressed into the shape of vaguely of a rib because it had like different segments going along it covered in like really sweet barbecue sauce do you remember it no no

remember that no bad stuff i don't think we had anything as posh as that i mean we literally it was not posh check i must stress it was not a posh at all i mean you went to posh school that was posh that's posh oh because it was at a a posh school, yeah, it was posh.

Our schools got bad news, it's disgusting, yeah, but but you got the good stuff, it was she and the good stuff.

She didn't even know how lucky you were.

You had something that resembled a rib, yeah.

We didn't even know what ribs were.

We're like, what?

We weren't getting the ribs.

Oh, I remember actually, when we'd finished, we used to send the packaging off to your school to eat,

and which we used to deep fry

and have with chip cheese and beans.

Yeah, we loved it.

Thank you.

We thank you for that packaging.

Yeah, yeah,

you're dipping your rib in your quail's head.

So your school canteen,

that was your go-to, was it?

So what was, Joel, was chips?

Was it sausages?

Chips, beans, sausages, and cheese.

I wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school, no way.

So you wouldn't have eaten?

No, God, no.

No way.

I would have had chips.

I love that even as a kid, you're going, I don't trust those sausages.

No.

You have to remember, I had a Spanish mum, so we had like...

Our food was nice.

So I didn't really like processed crap.

I wasn't, I mean, I was like, this doesn't, why is this sausage white?

Yeah, sure.

Why are we eating white sausages?

It's bizarre.

Chip, cheese, and beans.

I would never have touched the sausages.

The fact that he's chosen sausages, I'm absolutely livid about.

I'm so disappointed.

And what am I drinking with this fucking horrible meal?

We'll get to that.

We'll get there.

We'll get there.

You got to spark the mortar.

That's fair.

You got that for the whole thing.

But you've also got...

He's got a drink lately.

Don't worry.

So were you going, so you were having...

Are we having posh chips?

Posh?

It's cheese chips.

This is the school canteen.

It's exactly what you said.

The school canteen stuff.

I can't believe you fuckers changed this menu for me.

Chips, cheese, and beans with naan bread.

Yeah, yeah.

And the nachos.

And nachos.

This is like the worst menu that's ever.

Yeah, famously.

Famously the worst.

Well, we can admit that now.

People still to this day, Joel did this in our first year, which is 2018.

Still to this day, people shout at him in the street for this menu.

I'm not surprised.

He gets abused shouted at him for it.

Yeah, he should.

And he's like,

he's a legit celebrity now and people still remember this.

He's moved on since he did this episode.

He's now like hosting huge TV shows.

Everyone loves

a celebrity.

He still gets abuse about this.

Yeah, as he should.

I hope it follows him to the grave.

So when you're at school, you're eating this sort of stuff in the canteen.

Yeah.

Then what you were obviously looking forward to what you were going to get when you got home.

Yeah.

What sort of stuff were you getting?

getting at home well my mum used to cook like really i mean sometimes she'd cook horrible things like stuffed peppers We were like,

but you know, we would get calamari, or we would get like my mum would make homemade albondigas, or she would make croquettas, or she would make,

you know, on a very special occasion, it would be paella, that would be like one of our birthdays, or she would just make like a Thai curry, or you know, she was cooking good food.

She was absolutely happy.

We'd come home, I always looked forward to dinner because I knew it was going to be great.

Yeah, so this is chips, cheese, and beans, man.

Not good.

It's not ideal, I guess.

No.

Well,

my mum was a good cook as well, and is a good cook, but

I used to eat so much crap.

Like, I'd eat my packed lunch at morning break and then

sneak into main lunch.

Oh, I used to eat a lot of crap, like, from the as soon as I got, you know, did you have a tuck shop?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Flavour.

That's what it was called.

Your tuck shop was called Flavour.

It had a name.

L-A-V-A.

Flavour, like the Peter Andre song.

It was named after.

Flavour Flavor.

Was that what it was named?

No, it was named after Peter Andre song.

I wish it wasn't.

We We didn't know what Flavour Flav was at Montague School, but we knew that Peter Andre was cool.

I had six-pack.

And if you wanted a six-pack, you had to eat fizzy belts and stuff.

Yeah.

It's true.

Did your tuck shop have a name at school?

If it did, I do not remember it.

At an all-girls Catholic school, it probably called Tuck Shop.

And I don't remember who was selling stuff at the tuck shop.

Must have been a student.

Cameron.

Was that someone from school?

Yeah, Cameron started it.

It was part of it.

It was started by a student.

Yeah, yeah.

It was part of one of it was in one of his lessons.

I can't remember what the one was but his project that he wanted to do was start a tuck shop so everyone else was doing stuff that was like within their actual class yeah for that lesson and he was like no i'm gonna start it at break time properly and call it flavor this guy's a ceo

he might be listening so i did bump into him once

he's at the equipment he's bezosing it somewhere yeah yeah he's got to be he's doing good he's a catering bezos i was excited um when i was at school because there was the tuck shop but then when you went to sixth form it was a different, it was Sixth Form Common Room and it was a different little tuck shop.

Oh, was you different?

And that tuck shop did microwave pizzas.

Wow.

What, what an experience to have.

Chicago.

Microwaved dough.

Chicago Town.

Microwaved pizzas, microwaved burgers.

Chicago town pizzas at the school tuck shop.

To this day.

How about that?

I love Chicago Town.

Like personal size pizzas like that, maybe.

And you open the box and then you turn the lid up and put the pizza on top of the box and then microwave it.

Wow.

Boiling hot.

Yeah.

So sweet, like eating cake with tomato on it.

Yeah.

And that's the kind of cheese that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Yeah, big time, like napalm.

Horrible.

Completely strips the skin out of the kitchen after that.

Yeah, like those.

Um, what were they?

What did they used to have?

I'll tell you what, something I was fascinated by because I went around to a friend's house and they had them were crispy Finders crispy pancakes because I we didn't have that sort of stuff.

We didn't have that either that was wild to me.

That bright orange, crusty thing filled with lava.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was molten lava, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You couldn't put it in your mouth.

Yeah, yeah.

Never had that in our house, that sort of stuff.

And always so exciting to see it in someone else's house.

So exciting to see it.

So, actually, I lied.

Actually, when I saw some processed stuff, I was like, what is this?

Yeah, yeah.

Incredible.

Same with Pop-Tarts.

We never had Pop-Tarts.

We never had Pop-Tarts.

I really wanted them so bad.

I asked for them all the time.

Me too.

I was like, just the strawberry ones.

And then, did you have one?

And I remember having one going, yeah.

So sweet.

because it was too late when i had one i had one like when i was probably like 42 yeah and i was like here we go they can't stop me now

what the

i wish they had yeah oh well look you've had some of that you've had the chips beans and cheese have you

i'm hungry i've i've had some of it yeah yeah are you mixing it all up um i'm mixing the cheese in with the beans yeah and then probably

yeah probably sticking the chips in there with the beans as well making them soggy

okay well the side dish might genuinely i think this might turn things around a little bit okay sweet potato fries

oh no i don't like sweet potato fries i don't like sweet potato fries well they're a nice accompaniment to chips

i can't believe the accompaniment to chips cheese sausage and beans is chips I mean do you want to know one of Joel's reasons for having sweet potato fries and chips?

Yeah, please, let's hear it.

It's because he wanted to...

Because everyone says sweet potato fries are healthy, and he wanted to show that they're exactly the same.

He wanted to make a point that one is not more healthy than the other.

And how is he making that point?

Well, just by having both of them.

By having both of them.

How is he demonstrating that they were...

I think he used the podcast as a platform to...

To really promote this kind of...

Yeah.

It's important to have

strong feelings.

You've got to use your platform wisely.

Yeah, use it wisely.

If you're going to be campaigning for something, let's campaign for the fact that actually yeah sweet potato fries are still bad for you

um

i i don't like i would never order sweet potato fries i don't i don't like them no what is it about them that you don't live in brighton though they're put they're on all the menus in brighton yeah jane you live in bright i do live in sweet potato fries yeah

that's the origin of sweet potato fries probably

there's a lot of stuff in brighton as

and sweet potato fries is one of them do you want to list some other stuff yeah

i don't i mean like

we've got enough salad.

Yeah.

Yeah, we don't need it anymore.

I think it's lovely how you accommodate all the stags and hens.

We really do.

They can eat the sweet potato fries.

Yeah, they do.

They do with their WKD cocktails.

They love it.

They do love a blue cocktail.

Yeah.

With a penis straw, James.

You'll be pleased to know.

I am pleased to know that.

I'm pleased to know that.

They're still going.

You think penis straws ended in the 80s or the 90s?

Like, no one's doing penis straws anymore.

He's got loads.

How many penis straws have you got?

48.

How come?

I mean, look, this is well documented in my show two years ago and my, well, two tours ago and my upcoming special.

But during COVID, I threw a hen party for my wife.

So just me and her.

And you can only order 50 penis straws in a job lot.

Right.

So you used to.

Yeah, used two, but didn't want to throw them out, really, the rest of them, because it's really bad for the environment.

They're not recyclable penis straws.

So now we've got a big drawer full of them.

And in fact, one of them is now in a plant pot as a sort of holding up the plant stalk.

yeah great yeah there's probably loads of uses for these penis straws yeah yeah yeah i mean snorkels um

uh obviously for plants you can use chopsticks chopsticks that's a good idea actually yeah oh yeah yeah cocksticks cocksticks yeah

she's a reviewer

she's a comedy reviewer ain't she old cocksticks kate cocksticks kate cocksticks yeah she's absolutely dynamite if you're using the penis straws as a pair of chopsticks are you going bell ending the noodles or bell end poking up at you oh that's a really good question

i think i'm gonna use the bell ends to to to as to grip to grip i'm gonna be gripping onto the bell ends and using the other bits for to pick up my wine various things that's what i do to pick up my chips cheese and fucking beans

and my naan bread with my penis straw fucking

chopsticks

jesus just you're enjoying the riff and then you remembered what the menu

you're doing awake in

Also, it's not, I think it's rare on a menu that you get nachos followed by chips, followed by sweet potato fibers.

I think it's nice,

it's quite nice.

It's unique, definitely.

And I don't think there's many people that would choose that because most people have taste buds.

Yeah, yes, it reads like the entire menu at a student union.

It really does.

It like it, I'm sure at the top of this menu should be the word flavor.

Yeah, yeah,

I'm still really intrigued.

So I've got

sparkling water, I've got naan bread, I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit.

I've got chips, cheese, beans, and sausage.

Yeah, and sweet potatoes.

What am I doing?

I'm going to get sweet potatoes.

Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side.

Okay, so all of this.

Have you kids eaten those as well?

Yeah, my kid's going to have all of those, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So far, they've eaten the meal, made my children.

They're full.

Yeah, yeah.

I need a drink.

I need something.

Yes.

What do you want?

Just a glass of wine or something.

Am I having wine?

It's not wine.

No.

It's not Guinness, is it?

It's not Guinness.

Okay.

No.

It's not Guinness, no.

A lager?

It's not a lager, no.

Oh, my God.

Is it something like a pina colada?

What is it?

No.

Joe Domit's dream drink, and this is what you're getting.

It's a protein shake.

So I'm getting...

Oh, my God.

Didn't I say it?

I said it was going to be protein heavy, but I thought it'd be protein heavy with actual yeah food stuff yeah yeah yeah not food yeah okay oh my god this is absolutely but what flavour is it I think he said strawberry didn't he likes the strawberry one yeah strawberry that's like the worst flavor nobody likes strawberry milkshake no who's eating strawberry strawberry milkshake strawberry jam they're all the worst strawberry's the worst flavor he loves it it's his favorite drink his favourite drink strawberry protein shake yeah it's his favourite

I'm hungry.

Yep.

That'll fill you up, though.

Lovely protein shake.

I mean, that will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards.

Yeah.

Really sad.

Maybe.

Do you enjoy a protein shake now and again?

No.

Of course not.

Why would I be drinking a protein shake?

You said you wanted a drink a minute ago.

I do.

That's something decent.

Like a nice glass of wine.

That's what I want.

I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal.

But protein shakes like gym wine.

Oh my God.

And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't isn't it very sweet it is really super sweet and thick yeah thick depends how many scoops you put in of the protein powder i mean this is for joel right yeah so this is gonna be one thick protein shake yeah it'll be quite a thick it's gonna be gross imagine oh my god protein shake with with uh with potato fries and

dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake that could be a little treat yeah yeah yeah we were horrible to joel i i now do have protein shakes yeah but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal god no no or It's not your dream drink.

It's not my dream drink.

You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up, so I'm going to have a protein shake.

Protein shake.

Is that right?

Sometimes I mix the powder in with yogurt.

Oh,

Jesus.

Jesus Christ.

That really just sounds revolting.

Yeah.

I don't really like

dairy-based drinks.

Is it dairy-based?

There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there, probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you shake it up.

Just what every lesbian wants.

Okay.

Some foamy,

dairy-based

clacky drink sticking to my gums we'll give you a penis straw for it

that makes any

that makes it much better um okay well it's going to take a long time to get that that's going to take a while

yeah i'd have to be sucking that yeah sucking that penis straw hard because as someone who has penis straws the aperture the aperture at the top is actually quite small quite small yeah oh really yeah yeah that's the sight to behold isn't it that's just me chowing down on a penis straw trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries

okay great well i guess this this is the worst meal i've ever had in my entire life yeah

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I'd love to know what the dessert is, James.

Sure.

I mean, it's quite a nice bridge actually to the dessert, I think, the protein shake.

To his credit, he's thought about it.

He's got like those nachos and the chips and the potato fries, and that's a nice, like, thematic meal.

And then the bridge, he's got the protein shakes, a little bridge to the dessert.

It's a strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake.

Uh-oh.

No, I thought you'd like this one.

Yeah, I thought this is like a nice, I've just told you how I feel about strawberry.

Yeah, and I don't like white chocolate.

White chocolate isn't chocolate.

I don't know what the fuck it is.

It's some weird, disgusting, overly sweet confection.

And I don't particularly like cheesecake.

So you have given me possibly the worst pudding.

I thought thought you changed your mind.

Did you?

I've gone 180.

I mind.

I've gone 180 and now I'm 180 again.

I'm 360.

No, I'm livid.

This is the most.

This is.

Cheesecake.

The kids have got to have the cheesecake.

Really?

It's cheesecake, Jen.

You love cheese.

You love cheese?

Yes, but I don't like strawberry white chocolate cheesecake.

No, I wouldn't eat it.

Your kids are going to throw up in the car on the way, huh?

Really sick.

They're sharing it.

There's two of them.

It's fine.

Have you let the kids have the protein shake?

No, they're not having that.

That will really make them sick.

The protein shake's in the bin.

Yeah.

I had one go on the penis straw.

It wasn't working.

I binned it.

It's gone.

It's gone for good.

I'm sorry to say I didn't even think about the recycling.

The penis straw's gone with it.

No, that's all.

You're one down.

That's all right.

You've got only 47 in the bin.

I'll go and find that penis in the bin.

What a cock.

The protein shake is the thing that he's got the most amount of grief for since.

Yeah.

Since the the podcast.

Of course.

What do people shout at him?

Protein shake wanker.

Yeah, you're shitting prick.

You've changed.

Treasure protein shake.

Shit, menu domit.

That sort of stuff.

Shit, menu domit, yeah.

That's gone on for, what, like five years, whatever it has been.

How many days?

It's longer than seven years.

Yeah, seven years.

Netflix tweeted about it.

Yeah, good to know.

Netflix tweeted about it.

Yeah.

Someone,

I did a tweet about watching, I'd watched a True Crime series, and I was like, has anyone watching this?

It's absolutely nuts.

And Netflix replied saying, not as nuts as as someone choosing a protein shake as their dream dream.

I was like, well,

it's made into Netflix HQ.

Wow, that's quite something.

Do you remember when Twitter was just like

really fun stuff?

This show's nuts.

Yeah.

And then everybody would have a bit of a laugh and go, yeah, I disagree with you.

I quite enjoyed it.

Yeah.

And now it's like, oh, fuck yourself, you piece of shit.

And by the way, your mum's a prick and that you've killed your dog.

Yeah.

By the way.

By the way, I've killed your dog.

Yeah.

It's not even called Twitter anymore.

Yeah.

Sounds like something

X is like a pop of evil, like a Dar Fader name.

Yeah.

It's not a nice place.

I'm not on it anymore.

I'm not on it.

I'm not on it anymore.

I'm off it.

You're not on anything.

You're off everything.

I'm off everything.

Apart from YouTube.

How does that respect?

Lovely, love YouTube.

Do you have the comments on or off?

Of YouTube?

Yeah.

I don't watch.

Sometimes I'll scroll down to the comments, but

it's not stuff about me.

I'm just watching other videos.

And then sometimes I'm like, if I really like, someone's really annoying me.

James is not saying he has an account on YouTube that he posts to.

He just owns things on YouTube.

Oh, yeah, no, I just watch it.

I'm a watcher.

I'm a fan.

Bonito, I'd like to point out something with the cheesecake.

Bonito.

Oh, yeah.

So this is the cheesecake that Joel had when he came up the jungle.

It was his dream thing to have.

And they gave it to him and he ate it really quickly.

And then it made him be sick.

He vomited.

He vomited this cheesecake.

Yeah.

But he didn't vomit because he didn't enjoy it.

He vomited because he had

eaten.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His stomach was not used to taking on dairy.

Right.

All of that dairy, cream,

heavy stuff.

Right.

But he probably, but he enjoyed it, didn't he?

Yeah.

And I think there was a good comment about he sort of enjoyed it on the way back up again as well.

Yeah, he tasted nice on the way out.

Oh, my God.

This says so much that he enjoyed the cheesecake on the way up as much as on the way down.

Because I think it hadn't been there for long, so it was just the same flavour.

It was the same flavours going on.

Great, great, great.

Did he think,

maybe have another go?

Yeah, you could have done.

Maybe look like a dog.

Yeah, yeah.

And then straight back down again.

A little doggy.

I mean,

I know Joel pretty well.

And his friend Steve, who helps him build his shows, they've known each other since they were very little.

And they have the kind of relationship where if one of them said to the other, dare you to do that,

they'd still at their age now, do it.

And if Steve was with him when he puked up the cheesecake, I guess.

He's never eaten.

If Steve said to him, Because he would have turned to Steve and went, that tasted quite nice, actually, on the way up.

And Steve would say to him, eat it again.

He would do it.

Joel would do it.

So, you're saying that Joel would have picked up whatever puke he had.

He would have done it.

Yeah, Steve would have to do it.

He had put it back in his mouth.

I'm pretty sure I'm not telling tales outside of school there.

And Joel would agree that if Steve said to him, if it tasted so nice on the way out, I think you should eat it.

What's the difference?

I really need to speak to Joel's wife.

I think we need to go out for a drink.

Maybe she needs to decompress.

Maybe there's stuff that needs to come up.

Not literally.

Not literally, no.

We've been through that already.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Okay.

Would you go in the jungle?

No.

Can you imagine me in the jungle?

Yeah.

I'd love it.

You'd love it.

I'd be watching every app.

I know.

I mean, I'd have a breakdown day one.

Can you imagine if I was in the jungle with someone like, I don't know, Nigel Farage or something, would you imagine that I'd be able to hold it together for a day, let alone weeks on end?

I mean, it wouldn't have to be someone like Nigel Farage.

It could just be anyone.

It could be people who are famously nice.

And I think you'd lose it day one, like you've been in there for two and a half weeks.

Yeah, I wouldn't make it.

And I think that Joel was perfect for the

because he's such a nice bloke.

He's just a nice man.

There's no edge to him.

He's lovely.

He's the best in everyone.

Yeah, he's kind.

He's like, yeah, you know, and he'll try to make the best of every situation.

Yes.

Not this lesbian.

Imagine like you'd have fans at home wearing not this lesbian t-shirts.

Yeah.

Really?

I don't think they'd be fans by the end of it.

By the came out, they'd be like, shit, that woman's unhinged.

I used to like her, but now that I've discovered what she's really like.

What a catchphrase, not this lesbian, Not this lesbian.

Not this lesbian.

Okay.

I think that's a t-shirt.

I think that, as merch goes, that could work, right?

Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good tour name.

Not this lesbian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Something to think about.

I think that's a good one.

Yeah.

James, am I going to have to TM you?

Am I going to have to like give you 10% or something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm afraid so.

Oh, my God.

Well.

Because you said it, that I told you to have it as your title.

You came up with it.

You came up with it.

I told you to have it as your tour title.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, let's go down to five then.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Just good negotiation.

You can imagine you get like at the end of every joke getting to it and the whole crowd being like, not this, let's get.

The problem is if you sell it as t-shirts, you'll get some straight men who think they're funny buying the t-shirt as well, right?

I don't care.

I'm making a profit from that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I got your money.

I got your money.

Because that's on the back.

Yeah.

Only when you sell it to a straight man.

Yeah.

You give them one of the ones that say on the back.

Yeah.

It's got like a weird transfer and

it picks up the heat that only comes from a man, the pheromones from a man's body and it's like Germany on the back, but not for

women.

I think surely you've been offered the jungle, I mean, yeah, you should probably do it.

I reckon you'd be great on it, James.

One, I haven't been offered it, and two, if I had, I

ever was,

no.

I don't think there's many.

James is such a little shit as well because he'd never do it.

You would never do it.

Yeah, I keep asking them to, and they'd say no.

Wow, bullshit.

Okay, if there was one of those kind of shows, which one would you do?

Well, if I had to do one.

You have to.

There is no choice.

Okay, well, question to the table.

Everyone's got to think what their answer is.

List them no.

List them.

Okay, so you've got things like,

okay, yeah, Strictly,

obviously The Jungle.

What are the other ones?

The people doing dancing on Ice.

Dancing on Ice.

That's called it.

All right, let's say those three.

SAS, the SAS one.

Oh, my God.

SAS, yes.

Jesus.

Celebrity TV.

big brother the og the absolute what celebrity traitors now celebrity traitors okay i mean i'd do traitors you'd do traitors yeah i can't do traitors because i host the extra show i can't do traitors okay so you do traitors yeah but that's but you've given me an easy out there because that's a that's a fun one the the other ones strictly looks like one of the most stressful things ever um i definitely have a breakdown on strictly i'll definitely have a breakdown in the jungle I think I would do, and I'm not going to do it if they're listening.

Which they definitely will be.

They'll find out about that.

Yeah, they're going to find out.

But I would do the ice skating one to learn to ice skate.

Oh, my God.

Really?

Yeah, just to learn to ice skate.

I think even imagining that for me is enough to entertain me for the rest of the day.

What about, oh my God, I really want you to do it now.

You have to do it, James.

The ice skating one.

Yeah, because I think you know what?

You've got the physique.

Who is that guy?

Torville, Dean.

Those guys.

Yes.

You look like the Dean guy, Chris.

Yes.

Because of your physique.

Long legs.

Yeah, but I can imagine him all

trying to balance on the ice, like one of those things outside a car.

Actually, I went on a first date once ice skating with someone when I was like in my late teens.

In Kettering?

Yeah, in Kettering.

Went to the ice skating.

And I never really ice skated before.

And she said I was like a newborn baby giraffe.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm imagining.

I mean, I 100%.

I don't think anything's changed.

Yeah.

Can you skate now?

No, I've not been again really since then.

I imagine ice skating and skiing terrible.

They used to do a ski jump one, didn't they?

Celebrity ski jump.

Oh, yeah.

Didn't Marcus Brixtock do that and broke his leg?

Wow, they just want to kill us, TV production companies.

They're like, What way can we like purposely?

I'd do the SAS one, but I'd definitely break something or have some sort of diabetic panic within the first 10 minutes.

Yeah, I think that sounds horrendous.

I wouldn't do the SAS.

I definitely wouldn't do the skating on ice.

I would definitely do Traitors and I would probably try

strictly.

I would never get asked.

You will get asked.

You will get asked.

Absolutely.

I

I don't think.

I think I'd like to learn how to do some dancing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They definitely ask you to do strictly.

I reckon you're going to do strictly now.

Just imagine at the end of like a dance, just you being like spun round on the floor and then you land in this position with your head in your hand.

You write down the camera and you go, nut this lesbian.

Yeah.

Tens from the judges?

Yeah.

Tens all round.

Do you watch Strictly?

Do you know who you would like as your dance partner?

I don't know who I'd like as a dance partner.

Oh, I tell you who I'd like.

Yes, I like that, the tall South African guy.

Jojo.

Jojo.

Oh, yeah, I have him.

He's been, he's sat in that seat.

He's been, he's delightful.

Yeah, he's amazing.

Also, I feel very safe in his hands.

He's very strong, and I think he would be able to lift up my weight.

My mum went to see him in kinky boots

in Milton Keynes, said he was amazing.

And

apparently, my sister had to talk my mum out of bringing a sign that said James A.

Caster says hello,

which I did not tell her

to do like it was the wrestling yeah I was like

a musical I love it maybe you could have come up with one of those horns as well yeah yeah a Vivuselo well he's from he's

yeah yeah he would have loved that he would have loved it he would have loved it it's a shame that didn't happen actually maybe we can recreate that on another occasion when he's performing in another you know musical yeah maybe we met him now so it'd be even weirder oh we met

that would be why it was weird yeah we met him then and it was like it it made me feel, I was like, mum, if you had done that and he'd seen that and thought I'd sent you along to do that.

I've met him like a couple of times now, but not well enough.

I love that your mum thought that was a good idea.

She sounds great.

Yeah, she's like, Move won't let me do it.

Yes.

Okay, mum.

Oh, God.

Thank God my sister was there with her, with her new name.

So.

You had sparkling water, you had naan, you had nacho, chicken nachos, chipped bean sausage and cheese, sweet potato fries, a protein shake, and strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake.

Yeah, it's awful, all of it.

Terrible.

Most of it's gone to your kids or in the bin, right?

It's in the bin or with my children.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm hungry.

Yeah.

There's nothing left.

I'm taking it.

That's it.

What are you going to get on the way home?

So it's late now.

The meal's finished.

It's like 11 p.m.

Your options are limited.

What are you grabbing on the way home?

That's it.

That's the meal.

That's it.

There's nothing else.

He hasn't had like a dessert wine or anything.

No, no, he's just a protein shake for the whole thing.

What about that menu suggested dessert wine?

We're suddenly going to swing it back round and go, yeah, he's going to have a 1992 Sauteur.

I don't know why I said that.

Or I thought he might have had an espresso.

Yeah.

That's a possibility.

He could have had an espresso.

That would have been fine.

Okay.

Did he?

He didn't.

He didn't.

I mean, there's a possibility that he had one before he came into the studio because, you know, his choices were all over the place.

But, like, yeah.

There's nothing.

He does like that.

So we're done.

After pudding, there's nothing.

That's it, yeah.

Oh, my God, you guys, this is a terrible situation.

That's what I'm saying.

If you, if, when you leave the dream restaurant, if you want to grab something, what would you grab on the way home to fill you up?

It's open, kebab, kebab, yeah, yeah.

I'll go, I'll go have a lamb she

is there somewhere in Brighton where you'd recommend for a lamb she're all pretty grim.

You can't go wrong with a lamb sheesh, though.

Yeah, you gotta go sheesh.

You gotta go sheesh, no donna.

I've got sheesh and no chips.

I don't need any more chips.

No,

extra salad, loads of chili sauce.

Let's go.

I mean, you're bound to bump into Joel again after this.

Oh, don't think for one second I'm not going to get him in a headlock over this.

This is absolutely shocking.

I can't believe.

Joel, if you're listening, you should be ashamed of yourself

for one, choosing this menu.

And secondly, that I've had to eat it.

How?

I hope you can sleep tonight.

Yeah.

I will say, and Joel's slight defense.

No, there is no defense.

If he did it at the menu again, it would be different now.

He has told me he's got better taste.

You've got to get him back on.

Yeah, we'll get him back on.

Maybe we'll give him your menu.

Yeah, I don't think he'll like my menu.

I can't remember what I chose, but there was quite a lot of fish, wasn't there?

Riddling Finns.

He went to Riddland Finns.

Did I go there?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I love it there.

He might not like the cheese board.

I don't know.

Good.

Extra blue cheese on there for you, Joel Dommit.

Well, Jen,

do you think you reacted to that menu in the way that we'd hoped to?

I think I bloody well did.

Yeah, you smashed it.

I think you got exactly what you wanted and you're welcome.

Yeah, it didn't even cross our minds to give you a nice one.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant, Jen.

Oh, it was a real, I'd like to say it was a pleasure.

I'm absolutely furious.

Thank you, Jen.

That's what we'd hope.

Well, she didn't enjoy that, James.

No,

I mean,

went quite bad.

She apparently left Joel a voicemail, which

we'll try and get hold of.

Voice note.

So we can play it maybe at the end of the...

Maybe after the grandad, that's saying that's me, Ned.

Maybe after the

after the music, after the outro music of this podcast, if we can get hold of that and play it, because she sent Joel a

quite angry about it.

Pretty angry message.

Yeah.

Pretty much as soon as she left the studio.

Yeah.

And Joel has messaged us and said, look what I've just got.

Yeah.

So like maybe with their permission, we can play that at the end.

Yes, Benita can pop that in at the end.

Thank you, Benito.

Don't forget Jen is on tour with her new show, Reactive.

Go and check that out.

And also go to allourlations.co.uk and look at donating to Jen's incredible non-profit.

There's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to try and make lives a bit easier for families in crisis in Gaza.

So please go and have a look at that.

We've got to start thinking about who we're going to get on this next and if we're going to give them a bad meal to a bad to a bad diner.

Yes.

A bad dinner guest should get a bad meal from someone.

Yeah.

Some suggestions to great Benito.

I mean, we've done it a couple of times where we've got good diners and given them bad menus.

Yeah.

So Jen and Bridget.

Yeah.

Because we find them funny when they're angry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a laugh.

Yeah, that is a laugh.

But if you could give Benito your suggestions.

for bad dinner guests who deserve bad menus and which bad menus they should get that you know that he'll love that.

Yeah, he'll love that.

Signed chopping board.

Obviously, everyone who tweets him gets the signed shopping board.

I love that you're still on Twitter in your head.

Huh?

Yeah, that's hard.

Tweets aren't really the thing anymore, man.

People don't do that anymore?

No.

Writing letters?

Written covers.

Yeah, it's back.

Why don't you do that?

Have you left that as well?

Yeah, I left my cover.

It was bad for my head.

You were getting so many rude letters.

It's bad for my head, man.

I just kid cat on looking at the post every morning.

33 for any mention of yourself in everyone's letter only five seconds each day i've went to the post box

nothing there go again

it'd make me sad if there was nothing there and then if there was something there oh no look at it yeah bleep me out even if it was nice i feel feel dirty for having looked at it you know thank you very much for listening to off menu as always bye-bye bye

Mate, I just did off's menu.

It's a new one where you have to eat somebody else's chosen menu.

Anyway, I don't think you'll be surprised to hear I had to eat your abomination.

I just can't believe that of all the foods you could have chosen, you had nachos

followed by chips, cheese, sausage and beans,

paired with sweet potato fries and a fucking protein shake.

Are you out of your mind?

Joel, it was a shocker every single time.

I went, okay, so what at least what am I drinking?

Tell me I'm drinking something nice.

Oh, a protein shake.

Literally, go fuck yourself.

And I mean, I'm still in shock.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I'll be honest with you, I didn't take it well.

And it wasn't even made to eat it.

That's how bad it was.

I'm still reeling.

Anyway, I hope you're well, mate.

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