Ian Smith

In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to sell fertilize.

I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics so that I could show them to my parents and go see.

It was my childhood, they're fine.

Hello, I'm Sarah Pasco, and I'm on tour with my show I Am a Strange Gloop.

I don't really agree with marriage, it's too long, isn't it?

Forever.

I'm going all over the UK and Ireland.

You can find tickets at sarahpasco.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the pistachios of humor, cracking the shells of friendship, and popping them into the mouth of the internet.

Just pistachios?

Yep.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week the guest is

ian smith ian smith a wonderful comedian james so funny one of the most naturally funny people i think i've ever met in my life very funny very funny comedian podcaster yeah he has a podcast called northern news that he does with another friend of the pod amy gladhill yeah so imagine how funny that is yes the amy gladhill episode funny as hell.

Ian Smith, funny as hell.

Both of them together.

Yes.

He's also released a special called Crushing, which you must go and watch.

Amazing show.

Ian Smith is on tour, of course, from November with Foot Spa half empty.

For dates and tickets, go to the Ian SmithComedian.com.

Looking forward to talking to Ian, but if he says a secret ingredient, which we have pre-agreed, he will be thrown out of the dream restaurant.

James has come up with this one, and I think it's harsh.

This week, the secret ingredient is salt and pepper.

Salt and pepper.

There's a reason for this, isn't there, James?

Ian comes from Ghoul, and in Ghoul, they have the salt and pepper pots, these giant, I think they're like towers for something.

They look like water towers or like nuclear power plant shit.

But they're nicknamed the salt and pepper pots.

Yes.

And he spoke about them before.

He did a really funny series online about Ghoul, and he spoke about it on stage.

So I associate Ian with the salt and pepper pots.

Now, I know it's harsh, say salt and pepper, because it's probably in everything.

So we're going to say if Ian specifies that he wants to add some salt and pepper to something, that's when we'll kick him out.

Yes.

Or even if he's like saying the ingredients and says

salt and pepper is very important, that's got to be in there, you know.

And look, we haven't kicked anyone out in ages.

No, and I don't think anyone's actually ever said, Oh, and don't forget, I'm going to put salt and pepper all over this.

Yeah, that's what I thought is that I can't really remember that happening very often.

So, if it does happen, he deserves it.

And I would say if I was picking a fried egg, you would put salt and pepper on the fried egg, you would specify that?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I don't think I would specify for a fried egg.

I think I'd specify pepper for certain things.

Like if I, you know, uh...

You're not putting salt and pepper on a fried egg?

No, I just eat it.

Let's have it as it is.

Maybe on a boiled egg.

Salt and pepper.

Correct, but why not the fried?

Completely different.

If I'm having fried eggs and bacon, I'm putting salt and pepper on the egg and I'm putting pepper on the bacon.

Maybe some pepper, but not some salt.

I mean, the bacon's salty enough.

I want that to salt up the egg.

It's not going to salt up the egg.

No.

You're mad.

I am mad.

Mad for Ian Smith.

This is the off-menu menu of Ian Smith.

Welcome, Ian, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Ian Smith, to the Dream Restaurant.

Bitch, many of you for some time.

Yeah, thank you very much.

I've only ever heard that before.

I've never seen it.

Well, I don't normally laugh during it, but I liked your cheery hello.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For some reason, it made me laugh.

How did it did?

Did the way it looked?

I find you funny.

Did the way it looked match up to how it sounds for you?

Well, is that going to spoil it for people if they've got an image, but his arms are out like the angel of the north?

Oh,

how long did that take, everyone?

That wasn't meant to be a cynical, I'm northern.

That's my only angle, really.

This happened.

Do you want to plug your podcast, Northern News?

Northern News.

So you immediately brought the edge of the North.

Because that looks like that's what I've done.

Well, listen, you've done it.

Now we're here.

Tell us about Northern News, Ian.

Yeah, it's a podcast very much like this, sort of format-wise.

Recorded in this room, to be fair.

Yeah, recorded in this room,

often overlapping with an episode of off menu where you can hear it in the background.

Yeah, we just get all the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town weird stories, and we talk about, we talk about them.

Yeah.

It doesn't sound like there's much to it.

I've been on design.

It's a podcast.

It doesn't need to be much to it.

I love it.

It's a great podcast.

It's part of the Plosive family.

It is.

I've been on it, and you get a guest to bring in funny news story from their local area where they grew up.

Unfortunately, I grew up in London, so all of the local news stories I found were quite violent.

Yeah, it's harder to find.

You've got to get more creative with your searches in London.

You've got to put stuff like,

I put weird in quotation marks, but then it'll just be like, man stabbed in weird way.

Yeah, it's yeah, it's difficult.

Yeah.

Just to be clear as well.

Oh, yeah.

You record it here.

You're part of the poster family, but Benito is not your producer.

You have a different producer.

No, no.

I've never seen him at the helm of a podcast before.

Yeah.

It's a very different vibe, isn't it?

Because like you come in today and your producer is here and

she's having lunch out there and you came in and your interaction with her really made me think, oh, that's a nicer vibe than what we've got going.

Yeah, because you went, beans on toast to her.

And she went, yeah, I'm eating beans on toast.

Just to clarify, she was eating beans on toast.

That is not Ian's nickname for the producer.

No, no.

I mean, it's not like she hasn't got a dog called beans.

And Ben had his dog in

and they were, they were mating.

Yeah.

But like, the beans on toast.

And she was like, yeah, that's right.

And I was thinking, if I came in and Benito was eating beans on toast and I went, beans on toast, he would scrunch his face up at me and go, Yes.

Yeah,

it would be like, and

they'd like, oh, sorry.

And then, like, you know, we came in here before the podcast, and he said to us, like, are you everywhere warm enough?

And Ed said, I'm a bit cold.

He went with the heaters on.

And we sat down.

And I was thinking,

it must be very different for you and your gang.

Cause like, I've seen your gang on nights out before together.

Yeah.

You and Amy.

We hang out.

Yeah.

If it's too cold, Anya will put her beans on toast closer to us.

Yeah.

So the heat from the beans will get us.

If that's what's needed.

Yeah, that's nice.

But this Ben, he's a surly, miserable.

Yes.

It's a different vibe.

I don't see you guys.

But also what I would say to back Benito up slightly is if you came in and shouted beans on toast and he was eating beans on toast and he would go yes and scrunch his face up.

So that should show you that he doesn't like that sort of thing.

Yeah.

But instead what you do is you then do it more.

I try to break through that wall.

He doesn't want you to break through the wall.

He likes his wall and he loves being behind it.

Have you not in all this time found something that Benito would like?

He does it.

He loves it.

He laughs on the podcast when we do something wrong.

Yes, he likes that.

If we're embarrassed or we say something wrong, he loves that.

He likes our own, like, yeah, if we fall short of what is expected of us.

James once got the name of a guest wrong at the top of the episode, and Benito loved that.

Even though I got it wrong because he had sent us the name of the guest beforehand and autocorrect had changed their name.

So it was kind of his fault.

Yes.

So you did, and you just went with the autocorrect.

Yeah.

And it really gave away that I didn't, which is obviously awful because I've already spoke to them in the you know, out there.

I've already been like, hey, welcome to the podcast.

So, so glad you're on it.

We're so excited.

Sit down, get their name wrong.

Yeah, you don't know who they are.

No, and then they know that.

They're like, oh, okay, this guy's full of shit.

I was once at a gig brought onto the compa, went,

time for our next act.

It's

oh,

and then they looked over at me and they went, ah,

I'm looking at him and I know him, I know him, I know him.

And then they said,

What's your name?

And I looked at that, I was in a mood and I looked at the promoter.

I was like, I'm not saying my fucking name, I'm not shouting my own name out.

Yes, not going, it's Ian Smith, and then going, One of my favorite comedians here, good friend of mine,

just in a mood.

I was silent, and then the promoter went, Ian Smith, but in that sort of tone.

And then I died on my ass for 20 minutes.

Yeah, of course.

No respect from that also.

Also, if Comp has forgotten your name, even if he remembered it, no offense to your name, but it sounds like he's made it up on the spot.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I get brought on as Ian Stone quite a lot.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

And for the listener, Ian Stone is a completely different comedian.

60s and 60s.

He's of a different generation, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But I'll do his stuff.

He's got good gear.

Yeah, he's a good comedy.

To be fair, you put Instone in any room, it's going to rip it.

So yeah, yeah, I'll take that.

Yeah, more so than me, actually.

Yeah,

we'll do respect.

I think that was the subtext of what James was saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Putting in stone in it.

There was an emphasis on stone.

Putting in stone in any room.

But no, no, but just to be clear, more than any of us, I think Instagram's hit rate obliterates our hit rate combined.

The three of us.

So I think you said the angel of the north because you are connected with the north.

That's where your heart lies.

Because I think there's other outstretched arms things that you could have compared compared James and

Titanic, Titanic, Jesus, yeah, yeah.

But I think that's it, Titanic, Jesus, Angel of the North.

Paul Gorton from the Traitors, just before he bowed.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Sorry, heads up a job.

Can't get his head out of that.

Apologies.

I think all four of them would get on as well.

I think they would.

That's Dream Dinner Party lineup.

Dream Blunt rotation.

Yeah.

Dream blunt rotation.

Jesus, Paul from the Traitors, Angel of the North.

And

Kate Winslet, Winslow, I guess, is the.

Off-blunt rotation.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

We're not coke.

Well, it's a good new format point for off-menu, really, isn't it?

We do popped ons or bread and then do dream blunt rotation.

Pass the blunt.

If we were, I mean, we are sat in the circle.

Yes.

If you had to pass the blunt now, I'm opposite you, so I guess I'm out.

But if you've got to pass the blunt to either Benito or Ed.

And don't be swayed by musical youth, who, of course, said, pass the duchy to the left-hand side.

Yeah, don't be.

Hang on, what's I'm how did he?

I'm no longer making

the people.

It's just who would I pass?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who would I pass drugs to?

Yeah.

Now, yeah.

Well, I'd say

Ben doesn't like having Burt Bean shouted at him.

I don't know if he's going to be a big recreational drug user.

So I'd probably say Ed.

And if I'd never met Ed before, I'd be like, he's got tattoos.

Yeah, yeah.

He doesn't have tattoos.

Yeah.

Druggie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Never touched a drug in his mind.

So you're passing to me, then I have to pass to James, which leaves James in the unfortunate situation of passing to the great

back to head i guess

i guess that's what i've got to do yeah that's good dream blunt rotation also let's talk about your new tour show crushing oh oh also let's talk about

you made another mistake benito's loving it here's the figure as well look at he's genuinely smiling i was gonna yeah now he's smiling because i made a mistake see how delighted he is he does like that he's really happy that i fucked it up and that it's your new special and not your new tour show but it's holy but it was a tour tour, and now it's been announced a special.

Here's the really bad thing.

I was gonna, for a joke, get the name wrong because I'd done that.

Yeah, we talked about me getting names, because I was going to get the name of your special wrong.

And then I thought, no, don't do that.

Do it proper.

And then I got it wrong anyway.

You got it wrong anyway, yeah.

No, you're a natural.

Yeah.

I'm a natural.

Crushing.

The new comedy special for me and Smith.

Yeah, I did a show, and then you just do it.

You do it

until you're nearly barred of it.

Yeah.

Oh, you've just realised you're bad at plugging your own stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay, cool.

This is no, but whatever is about to happen here, it's not going to get more eyes on this.

Oh, really, really?

Oh, it's it's good, it's good.

It's about stress,

romance, yeah, um, and driving a tank um over a car with your hairdresser.

That's the three main things.

That's good, actually.

To be honest, that that's gonna get a lot of eyes on that.

That's good, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's very that a lot of people are gonna be intrigued by that.

Yeah, not a lot of comedians are doing tank stuff, especially with the hairdresser, hairdresser, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know a lot of comedians are doing driving a tank over a car, but they're never with the hairdresser, and a lot of people are doing hairdresser stuff, yeah.

But I'm the only one who's seen the opportunity to combine the tanks up in the market in Slovakia as well.

Oh, wow, there you go,

another USP.

Yeah, I mean, I can't even imagine being in Slovakia with my hairdresser, really.

I mean, that's gonna, I want to hear the story just to know how you ended up.

Even if I bumped into them, I'd be like, this is crazy.

Yeah, although

you've either gone on holiday with your hairdresser, or you've bumped into the middle Slovakia.

Or they were in the car.

Or they were in the car.

He drove the tank over.

I don't like him that sounds good.

Or no, you just realised just at the last second as the tank went over.

You're like, that's my head.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have to find someone else.

Rather than I've killed somebody.

Yeah, yeah.

Be like,

I'll have to find someone else.

Say hairdresser rather than barber.

Oh, here we go.

I think

Macho Man here.

No, it's just, I'm interested.

I don't know why.

I've always introduced him as my well, we had a conversation where I'd introduce him as my hairdresser, and then as we got to know each other more, I'd introduce him as my friend.

Yeah, that's lovely.

But the first few times I introduced him to someone early on in our relationship, I would probably say, this is my hairdresser, Dom.

And he'd be standing behind you.

Yeah.

Always.

But yeah, or he'd be behind them, and I'd give them a mirror.

That's my hairdresser behind me.

Oh, very nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's very nice.

Yeah, but he just cut my hair and then we just started chatting and then it sort of developed to uh should you get a pint after this and we

we'd have um but he's into comedy and I've done some little comedy films with him and um yeah then we'd start drinking and then it would be more calculated like when can we get our hair well I get my hair cut he won't let me do his

but what time is good for you to cut my hair when then there's free time afterwards where we can have a pint for a little bit yeah yeah and it's just become a really good friendship it's the major some people would say it's sad that you've had to get a friendship through essentially the service industry.

But no, I think it's lovely.

Hey, look, a lot of men do it.

She's my friend.

She's my friend, really, more than anything.

We message a lot.

Your hair looks fantastic as well,

which is just as well, because it's hard to

even when you're not friends with your hairdresser.

to leave your to go somewhere else and get your hair cut i find it's a bit awkward yeah yeah if i I was really good friends with them, then I'll be like, Well, how am I

if they stopped doing a good job?

I'll be like, What the fuck?

Well, James and I were friends with our hairdresser for a bit, we had the same audio,

but then, but then he sorted out the awkwardness by just quitting hairdressing.

He just quit hairdressing, so we didn't.

I mean, it wasn't awkward because we were happy with our hair, but when he quit, you're just like, Well, let's go somewhere else.

Yeah, I'll just put my first one somewhere.

It's close to me, you see.

It's mainly a distance thing.

I was traveling all that way to go and get my hair cut.

I think I'd travel far for Don.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How far?

Oh, Slovakia, I guess.

Yeah.

So that was a good plug.

That's a good plug.

Well done, man.

Hair plugs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

You've got to clip that up.

Because that's more of a visual thing.

Yeah.

Is that Ed just looked at it and went, ah.

Well,

it wasn't, I didn't even, the joke I made wasn't even a, it was just like, it was just, it was just like answer smash away

on a counter games, hair plugs.

And then, ah,

I looked at Ian straight away for a reaction and got nothing.

Yeah, well, I didn't know what to say to that.

No, for a no.

I think eventually there was a little pause, but then I said yes.

It's a yes, it's a yes rather than the laugh.

You've got to clip that up and eat.

That's going to go viral.

Yeah.

The main thing that I want from this is that we go viral.

Yes.

At some point.

It would be great.

Should we begin and see what virality we see mindfulness?

I'm going to ask you for the first question and you you've got to go viral

okay

still a sparkling water oh but what difficult to go viral with it it's hard to go viral with that isn't it oh come on blood

that'd be great

give that the right title clickbait wise yeah yeah yeah um northern comic drinks blood northern comic destroys heckler with blood yeah

have you ever destroyed a heckler i don't think there's any left now They've all been destroyed.

Yeah.

They've all been converted.

Yeah.

Like a bike left at a train station.

Do they blow up bikes?

They destroy them, yeah.

Do they?

It'll say if a bike's left unattended, they'll get destroyed.

But I thought they only did that with things that could have bombs in them.

A bike can have a bomb in it.

No,

a bike's got no insides.

Well, a bike's showing everything off, isn't it?

The frames.

Tires.

There's something in there.

You're not getting much of a bomb in there, are you?

Stink bombs.

You're basically getting a firework in there.

Yeah.

Stink bombs.

Grew up on the beano.

Stink bombs is a big thing in my head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stink bombs.

Stink bombs, pea shooters, catapults.

Yeah.

Really?

They're big in beano world.

Big piles of sausage and mash.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I've only had two out of that list.

Sausage and mash.

Yeah.

And a catapult.

A catapult.

Am I allowed to take back blood?

No.

I don't think so.

That was your answer.

I don't really want to.

If you don't mind not going viral.

Yeah, I don't mind not going viral.

Okay.

You can take that blood.

Do you think you'd be a good vampire if you became a vampire?

If someone bit you and turned you into one?

I guess it's a traditional way, yeah.

Yes, that's the traditional way.

But there's always what came first?

The vampire or the bite?

Yeah, sure.

Bat.

A bat.

Yeah.

A bat started it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Quite clear.

I think I would be a good vampire.

Mike, can I ask a...

A secondary question before I answer.

What makes a bad vampire?

Good point.

I guess, like, you've really got to want to be a vampire you've got to want to go around fighting people yeah drinking blood staying up all night not not ever being in daylight again oh yeah you know you've got to enjoy that lifestyle otherwise you're going to be miserable for eternity

well like the guy I don't know if you ever saw true blood the show true blood but there was vampires in that who didn't want to kill humans and drink blood so they they found a way of making like synthetic blood that you could sustain yourself on oh so yeah that'd be all right, even if I didn't like it.

But yeah, I think nightlife-wise, I'd probably hang out a lot at the Hippodrome

24 hours.

Yeah.

So yeah, I'd probably

get up at sunset, go to the hippodrome, try and get a circle of friends in the sort of poker

world.

There's going to be some sad characters around there, aren't there?

Yeah, but they're the ones that I'll kill.

Oh, okay, great.

You don't have to eat them.

No, they'll eat them.

But I've added that.

Yeah, they're blood.

Yeah, but that's how good a vampire I'd be.

You'll see the whole thing.

You'd go to the Hip Drum Casino at sunset, spend all night there befriending sad, lonely people, and then

eat their blood.

What do they call it at a restaurant?

Like top to tail.

Yeah, yeah.

Top to tail.

Nose to vampire.

Not to tail.

Yeah.

And you probably preach to all the other vampires how you shouldn't be wasting

the whole animal.

Hair to foot, I'd call it.

Be a hair to foot vampire.

Back to shoe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you bite your hairdresser or Amy Gledhill?

No,

people I work with with or close friends, I don't think I would.

No.

Unless they wanted to be a vampire as well.

You'd leave them be.

Yeah.

So I'd probably tell them that I was a vampire.

Yeah.

Because with the scheduling of doing the podcast, Amy'd be like, can we do like one o'clock?

Yeah.

What, in July?

Like, no, we fucking can't.

Yeah.

I'm a vampire.

Yeah, remember.

I keep telling you.

I'm a vampire now.

But she, if I told her I was a vampire, she'd just say, save it for the pod.

Yeah.

We can't have any conversation that looks like it might be a good conversation

without having to stop it and be like, oh, let's just say it to the pod.

Yeah.

Sad, isn't it?

Yeah, well, you said that about your notebook at the top.

Edwin's comment on your notebook and you went, not a notebook.

What is it?

It's a diary.

He's got a paper note.

With a notebook section.

Which is classic vampire behaviour.

Yeah, yeah.

And wait till you see this for a paper notebook.

You think that's sad?

It's colour coordinated.

Wow.

You've highlighted.

Yeah.

Joe, what?

We can't use this clip, by the way, because the amount I get paid for gigs is written on there as well.

Start to go viral.

This is not what I would expect of you, Ian.

Really?

Yeah, like this is like,

not that I think of you as a disorganised person.

I've known you for a long time.

You're a very hard-working,

talented man.

Thank you.

But I would not expect you to be this

regimented.

You've got about four different colours there that you're using to highlight things.

It's like you're interviewing Stephen Bartlett.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Stephen Bartlett.

Can I quickly talk about Huell as well?

I've got some good stuff about Huey.

That's because your answer for Stillus Barkley.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't really know what to say about that because it's like you're just a completely different person in my mind.

Yeah, really.

Yeah, I've always thought of you.

I'd say you fall into the scamp category.

Really?

A scamp.

Cheeky little scamp?

Yeah, a bit of a cheeky little scamp.

I think what James is saying is he didn't expect you to have an organised diary.

He expected

all of your stuff to be written on a leaf in shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You sort of want to.

Somewhere in between that.

Let's find that middle ground.

Yeah, I think I give off a very

sort of

gravy kind of vibe.

Oh, no, come on.

Dumb naughty.

Is that what you're saying, Jay?

That's not what I'm saying.

No, if that's what you mean, that's absolutely fine.

Maybe I do have to go away and examine that.

Yeah, but I once lost my diary and I mean, my life's ruined.

Well, this is the problem with the paper diary, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have a digital backup?

I have a part digital backup.

I will back it up.

I back it up basically whenever someone's gone, you got a paper diary.

Right.

And then I remember I should back that up.

So surely that'd be every day someone says that.

Yeah.

No, I don't get my diary out a lot.

Yeah.

I've gone not really in demand work-wise.

Oh, really?

Chocolate block.

Yeah, that is chocolate block.

Yeah, but I've left all three colours mean day off.

Yeah, only orange is personal time.

Can you give us a little

preview of the diary?

Yeah.

A little sneak peek.

Right.

Oh, fucking hell.

This is sad.

Well, this is our September starts, all right.

Coming back from Berlin.

That's in orange.

That's my time.

This is last September.

Last September, yeah.

Yeah, come back.

Are you going your hairdresser?

No, no, this was more, this was a more reasonable Berlin with my girlfriend visiting her brother and his wife.

Lovely.

Come back on the third in yellow, because this is something I need to remember.

Cancel my Apple TV subscription.

We're currently in January.

I still got Apple TV.

Yeah.

Still got it.

So the colour came doesn't work at all.

Still got it.

Haven't watched anything.

Severance in the

Phil Wang Party, I've written.

Phil Wang Party.

What colour's that?

That's in yellow as well.

So that's something you have to remember.

That's an appointment I need to remember.

Yeah, that's not personal.

That doesn't get orange.

That gets yellow.

No, that should get orange.

Is it Phil Wang Party or is it cancel Phil Wang Party?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

So get an Apple TV subscription and cancel Phil Wang's party.

Yeah.

Cancel Phil Wang.

He says a lot of questionable stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then it's just gigs.

Northern news.

Oh, here we go.

You'll love this.

Birthday, kudu.

Have you been to kudoo with Beckham?

We have.

We all went together on a menu trip.

Oh, yeah.

Delicious.

It's in yellow.

Because you'll remember it.

Not Peck.

Your birthday doesn't feel personal.

Your birthday.

Oh, stickers.

I didn't know there was stickers in, bro.

This is for nice.

What are the stickers about?

In the back.

Where do you buy the stickers from?

You don't buy the sticker.

That'd be humiliating.

In the back of your pad.

Yeah.

You get this little section here.

Yeah.

So it's like a little pocket.

It's just a little pocket that's also completely, you couldn't put anything in it because it's open at the bottom.

Yeah, well, you should put your hand for it.

Yeah.

But because it's well used.

Yeah.

But that had little stickers in it.

And I thought I want to use those stickers for something.

So I pop them down on my mum's birthday, my dad's birthday, my brother's, but you can see where this is going.

And yeah, and then my own, which I think has become sad.

Yes.

What are the stickers?

Are they?

What's it a sticker of on your own birthday?

You'll love this.

Birthday cake.

You'll love that, and that's food.

and why um don't you use a diary um in your phone or like on your like so that it you know you couldn't lose it you know yeah yeah

i mean it's a good question um i think i like to visualize where listen i've said this before that i like to visualize my week and month and then people say you can do that online yeah so just preempting your your criticism i can visualize visualize it online um i like highlighter pens i guess is what yeah it will ultimately will come down to yes pop lobs or bread pop lobs or bread in smith pop lobs or bread i don't think we actually got the word blood is the answer

blood has to be the answer okay well i mean blood um bread please yeah to mop up the blood yeah well have to the whole rest the whole menu has changed

trying to complement blood

but yeah it would have to be bread talk to us about the bread what's the what's the bread that you want well I had like two options in my head, and one of them seemed pretentious.

Don't worry about that.

Are you worried you're going to lose some of the more grassroots northern followers that you have if you sound pretentious?

Well, my options are Scottish and pretentious.

Not that the two can't meet.

Absolutely not.

Example of when the two do meet?

Oh.

Edinburgh.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

So I think my favorite bit of bread, have you ever had a buttery?

I don't know if it's also called like a rowey, an Aberdeen Rowie, Rowe.

I don't fucking, I don't know how you say this shit, but I like it.

Talk us through it.

I think I've heard of it as a buttery.

So butteries are, they're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant, and they're made using a lot of fat, like butter and lard in there.

And they were invented for like fishermen to um to give them like energy for the day because there's just so much fat in it but um yeah it's like a sort of condensed croissant yeah it's just so sort of buttery and flaky and they're they're very nice but you can burn them in an instant and they can be ruined and i so i think i will go with that yes my other option was potato damper

i want it i want to cook it a bit more on some hot coals i had that in my potato damper i don't you've got to describe what that is and also it doesn't sound pretentious to me really really.

Yeah, so this is, I was in a restaurant in Adelaide, I think it's called Orana or Onana, shout out to whoever they are.

Um, but it was one of the few, like, very expensive, like, 12-course restaurants I went to.

I went with the comedian Lloyd Langford, who's very good to go to, like, quite a pretentious restaurant.

Yeah, he cuts it all away with lovely conversation.

And

the first course was a potato damper, which I think is just like a potatoey bread.

They put a stick in it.

So it's got a stick and some leaves.

And it's served on like hot coals.

And you just kind of finish it off on the hot coals.

Nice.

Which sounds a bit...

I like some of those restaurants, but some of it's a bit, a bit wanky.

But I liked that.

I liked finishing off the bread.

And I liked the sort of scorch of charcoal.

Yeah.

So that's one that you can burn a little bit.

Oh, yeah.

You can burn a potato damper.

The buttery.

You can't burn it.

No, no.

No.

I mean, they both sound delicious.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can have a little bread basket, have both of them in there.

Oh, I'd love that, yeah.

But you need the coals situation, don't you?

Well, maybe, could I have a bread basket with minimum two not quite cooked bits of bread?

Yeah.

And I'll finish them off myself.

Yes.

On hot coals.

Yeah.

Do you want Lloyd there to take the edge off the potato damper?

So it starts potentially.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would like that.

Lloyd.

What sort of things was Lloyd saying that took the edge off?

Yeah.

My favourite thing.

So one of the courses, we had a crocodile soup with botanicals.

Right.

Wow.

And they give you this bowl of like botanical leaves.

And there's a list of what leaves are in the bowl.

And they invite you to take the leaves out, kind of crack them, put them in your mouth, have a little taste of them, and see if you can correspond them to the name.

And if you're doing that by yourself, I think is sadder than my diary.

Just like lining up your little leaves near your list.

Honestly, Ian, when you were describing it, all I was thinking was, I'd love to just do that alone.

Sure.

Really?

I'd love it.

But you could do that.

That'd be heaven.

The problem is someone needs to present you with it.

Because if you collect some leaves and then have a list of the leaves you've got, you know what they are.

Oh, yeah.

In this restaurant scenario, eating alone is what I was thinking.

I wasn't thinking I'd collect the botanicals myself, go home and

set up an exam for myself.

Yeah, yeah.

Good luck making your own crocodile soup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the thing that Lloyd does, does he sing crocodile soup to the tune of crocodile shoes?

He would do that.

No, but I'd love that.

My dad's a big Jimmy Nail fan.

yeah i know more about the two crocodile shoes albums than a lot of people on the comedy circuit um did you know there was a sequel to crocodile shoes

yeah crocodile shoes too wow i thought only rappers did sequels to their albums but jimmy nail did it jimmy nail and rappers crocodile shoes too yeah everything you say i want to talk about for 15 minutes yeah yeah that's the that's the that's the issue here yeah but a quick the highlight that light said one of the um one of the plants um was called lemon myrtle

And what was quite, it's a very cool restaurant, but I guess there's a bit of a stuffiness, I guess, to some of the clientele of that restaurant.

It was quite quiet.

And Lloyd just bit a leaf and really loudly went, Lemon Myrtle all day long, all day long.

And put it in, he was saying stuff like that.

Great.

I like that.

Yeah, we went on holiday with Lloyd and got stuck in New York with him.

Oh, yeah.

It was absolutely brilliant.

Really fun.

I've got a photo of him on my phone because the BBC wanted to do an interview with us on the news.

Him and John Robbins did it.

He got a chain out of the drawer and decided to wear it with an Airbnb.

Just some random chain that had USA, a big medallion that said USA.

So he put it on, but didn't frame himself well on the camera.

So it cut off the medallion.

So it just looked like he had a big gold chain on.

And he was,

because they had the screen up, it was live on the news.

So he was looking at the screen as well to see how he was coming across.

But he was reading all the headlines that are going on on the bottom.

So he just looks looks completely confused, like a giant baby who's wearing a gold chain for no reason.

It was only John who said something as well, wasn't it?

Yeah, he answered all the questions.

And Lloyd's just there, just doing that.

Like he's some heavy in the sat next to him.

That's my contact image for Lloyd.

Yeah, I think I'd like Lloyd Langford at this meal, actually.

Yeah, that's a good shout.

And actually, I didn't even take that screen grab myself of Lloyd.

The comedian Andrew O'Neill tweeted it out of context to just on its own, without any description, does the screen grab of Lloyd.

Brilliant, fantastic.

Yeah, get him at the meal.

I want him wearing the chain.

Great.

Perfect.

We get into your menu proper now, your dream starter, Ian.

So, this starter, I've tried to

basically take everything.

It's hard getting a menu.

So, I just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu.

And I've sort of combined it, but I think the flavours work.

Okay.

Okay.

interesting I want a risotto yes salmon and haggis oh god

so you basically you're putting all your favourite foods into like one dish here that I feel like aren't featuring later on yeah salmon haggis and say it with me saffron saffron okay

salmon saffron risotto

sounds like that could work yeah I think the haggis is the is the rogue guy really yeah we're down to scottish or potentials again aren't we yeah really it's either the haggis or the salmon and saffron but let me let me ask you this do you like pepper yeah yeah haggis by its very nature is just a very peppery dish i reckon a little crumbling of haggis yeah is the same as yeah having a pepper a pepper grinder right i see if the restaurant was like we've run out of pepper yeah but we could let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff no one would notice so you want haggis instead of pepper well i i don't want it instead of of, but I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there.

Right, okay.

I've got enough.

We've got haggis in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So you're crumbling, you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper.

Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in.

What I will say with the hot coals, if I'm crumbling in the haggis, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork to this restaurant.

Doing a lot.

Yeah.

We'll just mix the haggis through for you then.

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

So haggis and salmon saffron risotto.

Yeah, saffron I don't really know.

Yeah, if you think about it.

Well,

my question, quite.

Even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that.

Really?

I would think, is that going to be...

I love salmon, I love risottos, but I don't know if that would

be a good thing.

Are you thinking, is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flaked and mixture as well?

Flake it up.

Yeah.

I'm having to do everything here.

Got to flake it up.

I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know, a smoky flavour to you.

Yeah.

Saffron, in all honesty, I don't know what it tastes like.

But I've had a saffron-infused mashed potato twice in my life.

And I can't put my, I can't really sort of put a handle on it, but it was delicious.

Yes.

But you could.

It's a vivid colour.

Yeah, it's a...

It's very vivid colour.

And there is a definite taste of saffron.

Yeah.

But you can't work out what it is, but you know you like it.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I guess so.

And maybe i'll have someone explaining what saffron is to me yeah they could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight oh i'd love that yeah yeah i'd love some saffron and some other what is it a herb

yeah um other herb

and i want to or a spice yeah herbs and spices and i've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are oh you want so you want a quiz as well

yeah okay well lloyd's going to be there so yeah yeah yeah yeah i just want lloyd to do the quiz with you so I can enjoy my meal while here in the background.

Um, trying to think of another herb in my

fennel seeds.

I think

I think all day long, I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz.

I would say there's enough going on in this dish already.

You shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are.

Yeah, no, I will, I'll accept that as a criticism.

Yeah, because I was going to suggest maybe you have like, you know, your starter could be like a board that's got like a little salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash.

But do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto?

Is a risotto a big deal for you?

Let's not talk him out of this.

No, no, you're still going to have this.

But I also think if imagine if every chef did that, just put four ingredients on a tray and just went have them individually.

Yeah.

It's all about discovering flavor combinations.

And you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try.

Yes.

well i would say imagine if every chef did this took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they like would like to see them make an appearance yeah and chuck them out

i think you'd get i think you've always got to apply

something fantastic you've always got to apply the rule imagine if every chef did this to

but sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home if you just had things in in the fridge and put them all in a bowl together right listen i've i've listened to this podcast people say daft shit People are off their fucking heads on this podcast.

Yeah.

So, you're a big fan of weird flavor combinations.

No, I just do you do them at home?

Have you ever discovered a flavor combination you like at home?

Hmm.

I don't think I have.

No, I'm trying to think if I've invented my own flavor combination.

Yeah, that's what I asked.

I couldn't have done.

Look in your diary.

Does it say?

Well, I would have put it under blue.

That would be under

blue have had a new flavor combination.

No, I mean, I like it.

Genuinely lived in your diary diary for ages then.

Yeah,

listen, I'm a physical comedian.

I'll do an act out and I'll do it on a pod.

Yeah,

I'll do it on a pod when we've got cameras going.

That could be the viral clip.

Yeah, yeah, get a sound effect of pages turning in.

Yeah, do that.

Yeah, yeah, put that in the close.

Oh, that's not

boom.

No, that's that's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto.

I um, I found out what Arancini was when I ordered Arancini as a starter and then a risotto as my main.

And everyone was like, What?

Like,

I don't know what the problem is here.

But yeah, it was a ricey, a ricey meal.

Yeah, they're like risotto balls that are deep-fried, right?

And then you had the insides of arancini's arancini guts.

Yeah.

And there was a there was a rice pudding option for dessert, and I almost wanted to take it to be like, that's what I like, and I'm leaning into it.

Yeah, do the treble.

What are you going to call this dish?

Oh, that's it.

Yeah, that's good.

At the minute, well, I mean, salmon's Scottish, yeah, Haggis is Scottish.

Where does saffron come from?

Um, but it's, I think, probably North Africa.

Wow, if he's got that right, I'm very impressed.

Mediterranean and parts of Asia, wrong continent, yeah.

So, I guess something that

combines Scotland, Mediterranean, and parts of Asia

in its title.

Is there a way you can do that?

There must be.

And don't edit out any of the time it takes me to find a person.

Yeah, yeah.

Muck.

Yeah, so straight in with muck muck.

Straight in with muck.

Straight in with muck.

You're on safe ground.

Yeah.

Now he's got a Mediterranean and parts of Asia.

Yeah.

Now feel more scared.

Yeah.

Muck.

You could just say salmon here.

Muck.

Yeah, but I mean, muck, Mediterranean.

Just say what?

Muck olive.

Muck olive's surprise.

McOlive's surprise.

Yeah.

To the end.

No olives.

No olives in it.

What surprise the Asian?

McOlive's surprise.

McOlive's surprise.

The surprise is there's no olives.

Saffron.

McOlive's surprise, saffron.

Yeah.

Saffron is the surprise.

Yeah.

It's a McAliffe surprise.

Yeah.

Well, also the surprise is there's no olives.

Yeah.

Salmon's not mentioned.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I didn't, I thought I'd be able to say my menu.

I didn't think I'd have to name it.

And that's what I'm struggling with.

But you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch, I think.

That's the rule, yeah.

Yeah, also, you're saying that you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was, you didn't think you'd have to name it, that's what you're struggling with.

I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well.

I mean, this is like this starter is

bananas.

You took blood, you took blood because we had too many details.

I don't know if that's my, that's not on me.

This starter is loopy, good bread course so far, though.

Yeah, yeah, we're forgetting about that.

You know what?

I would absolutely eat that starter.

I don't know if I would enjoy it, I would try it, but I would give it a go.

If I was at your house for a dinner party,

and you made it, I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it.

And who knows, I might even love it.

Yeah.

That's got a classic Come Dine With Me episode written all over it.

Really?

Yeah.

And we're all slugging you off in the car in the way.

Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't make that for other people.

I think I'd only make it for myself.

Yeah.

Because I'd expect.

I think

the Come Dine With Me producers would be like, if they heard about that, they'd be like,

you should make that for everyone when they come around.

And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look around your house and they find your paper diary and they're all laughing.

Your highlighter paper.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon.

Yeah.

One shelf is haggis.

One shelf is saffron.

I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate that.

Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people.

Otherwise, we're going to have to get you to change the name again because you can't surprise yourself.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It can't be called McAuliffe's Surprise and you only make it for yourself.

What about no, McAuliffe's surprise?

You get

a huge spice rack.

It's spices, herbs, everything in it.

And it's one of those ones that spins.

Yeah.

And you sort of

spin the spice rack, close your eyes.

You've got to tip that up.

See an Ian pretend to spin a spice rack with his eyes closed.

It is absolutely.

I'm looking up so no people don't think I'm cheating.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Closing eyes and in that.

Yeah, which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in.

They closed their eyes and looked away.

Yeah.

But yeah, then you take whatever spice.

Again, you've got to close your eyes throughout this.

Yeah.

No, I actually just black out the spices.

Black out the spices.

Put parcel tape over the spices.

Or put them in unmarked jars or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get someone else to do that.

Yeah, yeah.

You're very worried.

You're very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing.

Is that a problem you have when you go to the restaurants sometimes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I've found myself many times in the kitchen doing a form doing a full shift yeah so hang on you're getting a spice at random yeah and then for safety as well so you've got the salmon haggers in there but then your last flurry is opening it up shake it in put that in yeah mix it around and then when you eat it you you know it's a macaulive yes but the surprise is

what is it

cinnamon

so that's your starter yes fantastic

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Your dream bank course, Ian.

Ian.

This one's normal.

Slow-cooked lamb.

Yes.

I want it to be slow-cooked.

Yeah.

If it takes days.

Yeah.

I guess you want it just at the point where there's a level of heat you could apply to lamb where it just would never cook.

Yes.

Zero degrees.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But even two degrees.

It probably wouldn't ever cook, surely.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Like if it was just at room temperature.

Yeah.

Just leave it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And five days later, you're like, that's lovely.

yeah, yeah.

So, but the longest you could that would be good, wouldn't it?

If things cooked at room temperature, yeah, so surely there's something that cooks at room temperature, yeah, fruit,

yeah, that's what's happening to it, it's cooked, yeah, maybe a torch.

Maybe if you put your iPhone torch on it for a couple of days, that's the slowest cooking you can possibly give it.

Yeah, that's going to give you a carpal tunnel or something

holding your torch over a lamp,

or whatever mystery, I'd probably have a mystery box of meat.

So I don't know what meat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Surprise.

It's another surprise dish.

Lamb surprise.

Yeah, lamb surprise.

Yeah.

Muck lamb.

I had the slow-cooked lamb in New Zealand at Mudbrick Vineyard, and I got told off, but in a, I'd say, a light-hearted way for, I was quite drunk, complimenting the lamb too loudly.

And I think that's a sign of a good meal.

Yeah.

You're taking some tips from Lloyd Langford and you were shouting everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I shouted.

What was your compliment?

Who cooked this?

How long has this been cooked for?

Because the way you've said it there, and at that volume, they sound like you're really unhappy with them.

I think they knew I liked it.

My tone was like, who cooked this?

It was more like, wow.

It's the same as the same tone you use when you shout beans on toast.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Beans on toast.

Who cooked this?

Stuff like that.

I give a lot of good vibes

to chefs.

But that's lovely.

Why were you told off then?

By the staff or by someone on a nearby table?

by the staff um i think people around were discon disconcerted yeah and maybe they were running low on lamb yeah maybe they hadn't ordered yet and don't oversell yeah yeah but it was oh my god it was nice yeah falling apart how long do you think it had been cooked for minimum i think we're talking double digits do you I think it was something like 12 hours or something mad.

But I can't promise that to you.

Yeah,

it was a long time.

If you'd ordered it and they were like, oh, we haven't put it on yet, you'd be pissed off.

Yeah.

By the time you got it.

Well, you'd be like, I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just come back tomorrow.

Yeah.

Do you know what cut of lamb it was?

I think it will have been some little like leg-based.

It wasn't.

I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable.

Yeah.

By any means.

It wasn't a shank, though.

It could have been.

It could have been a shank.

It didn't come with a big bone sticking out the top.

No, there wasn't a bone in it.

As far as I remember, I drank a lot of wine at this point.

Were you out with another comedian at this point?

Was this another comic?

The only time I get to go on a big holiday is when someone's paying for me to do that professionally.

There was a lot of comedians there.

Finn Taylor,

Andrew Maxwell, Alexis Dubus.

Never confident with how to pronounce his surname.

Oh, evidently.

Maybe Lloyd was something

there as well.

But yeah,

I mean, these are some, you know, you got Finn there, you got Maxwell there, these are some outspoken guys, and you're getting told off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you must have been really speaking your mind, throwing some opinions around

if you're the one who's getting reprimanded.

Yeah, I mean, Maxwell, Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in in quite a lot of detail.

I will compliment the food.

You'll shout who cooked this.

Yes.

What did the lamb come with?

And this doesn't have to be your dream side.

I'm just interested in this specific lamb.

Sure.

So I want elements of this, but not everything.

It came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip.

Right.

And then long carrots.

That's the main thing I remember about these carrots is the sheer length of them.

Yeah.

And then you had to get your potato dishes aside.

Screaming, who grew these.

Yeah.

Who the hell grew these, Mr.

McGregor?

How long?

How long have these been grown?

I would say stuff like that.

Long and thin?

Long and thin.

Yeah.

What colour?

Orange.

Classic.

The classic.

But not the best carrot I've had.

It was barely orange.

In a restaurant in Reykjavik called Skal.

I got the carrots as a side.

Fucking hell, I've never had carrots this good in all my life.

Yeah.

They were black to the eye.

Yes.

They'd really been sort of roasted.

I tried to look up before doing this what they came with.

The menus changed.

I found a picture of them on Instagram.

It doesn't say anything.

It doesn't say anything.

Just a picture of some carrots.

It says carrots.

Doesn't even say carrots.

No description.

But I love a sort of roasted carrot in some kind of sauce.

I don't know what.

And the one in Reykjavik was like, were they long and thin as well?

No, no.

And I preferred them dumpy is what I would say.

Black and dumpy.

Yeah.

That's what I would describe them.

You want those with the lamb?

I'd love them with the lamb.

Yes.

Get rid of the long fin ones.

Yeah.

They were al dente, these ones.

The reykovic ones, barely.

keeping themselves together.

Yeah, so they'd be like probably slow roasted as well, do you think?

Yeah.

Everything about this, I want to be slow.

Yeah.

I completely agree with you with a slow-roasted lamb.

It is up there meat-wise, I think.

Yeah.

Incredible.

I want some Dauphinoir.

That's pretty slow.

Yeah, you can do that slow.

It's not quick.

No, it's not quick, is it?

Well, it takes a while to make, I suppose.

Do you slow roast lamb at home?

Yeah, I'll have it anywhere.

No, but is that something you'll do?

Have you ever done that?

Yeah, absolutely.

I just mentioned the location.

I'll have it anywhere.

What do you think the question was?

Would you eat it?

Yeah.

Would you have it at home?

Yeah.

As in, like,

on the made slow-cooked lamb, would I have it?

Yeah, let's just follow this.

Is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow-roast lamb?

I don't think like funerals.

Out of the wake, yeah, you wouldn't have it during, right?

Yeah, you're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing.

Well, if you're screaming, go cook this at your top of your voice, sure.

Yeah.

Oh, at the cremation.

How long?

How long has it been cooked cooked for?

Woo!

Falling off the bone.

Woo!

Falling off the bone.

Yeah, funeral.

Yeah.

Train toilet.

That was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow rice lamb.

But I would, if it's, I'd have it on the baby changing.

Yeah.

Toilet's your seat.

That's your table.

Yeah.

Would you put a tablecloth down or anything?

Yeah, ideally.

Yeah.

Or I guess if you're if you're a parent, yeah an unused clean nappy nappy yeah yeah

well yeah most of us even though it's unused i'd find it hard it would be weird especially if there's no plate especially if you're eating slow cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby changing table i'd say that would throw me yeah yeah yeah it's not where i'd want it barely staying together it's weird though because you'd you'd think someone eating off a nappy yeah in a in a baby changing room would be like they're having a breakdown they're having a tough time but you wouldn't associate slow cooked lamb leg no with a mental collapse.

No, I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think that changes the whole thing.

Also, it depends what brand of nappy, right?

Because if you, if there's some nice ju and gravy in there, a pampas is absorbing all of that.

So, you don't get to eat that, yeah.

On a cheap nappy if you're eating a roast,

you pour your gravy on, and then you go immediately go,

Where's the gravy?

That's

outrageous.

You're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you're squeezing, you're squeezing it.

Yeah, it's all gravy.

Trying to get the gravy out.

But then you're

squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put under there.

I think directly into the mouth at this point.

Oh, yeah.

Cut your losses.

Yeah.

Yeah, don't bring another nappy into the situation.

Don't worry about your dignity at this point.

You're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy.

You may as well go straight to your mouth.

Yeah.

For American listeners, diapers.

Diapers.

Yes.

So your dream side dish,

is it those carrots or is it your

banking them?

You're banking them as part of your main.

Yeah.

So your dream side dish is different.

Is that Dauphin Was then?

Or is that are you banking that as part of the product?

No, I'd like, yeah, I'd like,

I just want some potato waffles.

Okay.

Can you say that again for me because I enjoyed the rhythm of it?

Potato waffles.

Thank you.

Yeah.

They're waffling versatile was the catchphrase.

Yeah, I remember the bird's eye ones.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it had quite a catchy jingle.

Waffly versatile, wasn't it?

Oh, I thought it was waffling.

No, I thought waffly.

It's waffly because it's supposed to be like awfully versatile.

Oh, that does make more sense.

I've been saying waffling versatile all this time.

They're waffly versatile.

What's it was a pun on awful?

That's what I always thought.

I was afraid lifting there.

I'm willing to admit that I might be wrong, but as far as I knew, it was waffly versatile.

I never put the pun together, but I just thought they're waffly versatile was

the line.

I didn't think it was waffling waffling versatile.

Yeah, waffling doesn't make sense, does it?

Why would they be waffling versatile?

I mean, waffly versatile.

But they've got like awfully like the pitch meeting.

Yeah.

They would have gone, oh, they're waffly versatile.

You'd be like, all right, well, explain that.

Well,

they're awfully, and a posh person might go, awfully, oh, it's awfully, and waffly, awfully waffly.

Waffly versatile.

Awfully waffly would have been a better tagline for them.

Yeah, yeah.

Because then it's like, oh, yeah, I get what they're doing.

Yeah, awful.

I mean,

awfully waffly.

But the suggestion is then they're awfully waffle.

There is a misinterpretation.

We say they're awful at being waffles.

Sure.

Yeah, they're awful.

They're awfully.

Awfully.

Yeah.

They're not even a waffle.

Yeah.

There's a bag of new potatoes.

Yeah, there must have been a better way to advertise it.

Yeah.

But it's worked for you.

Stuck in your head waffling versatile all these years.

But they're on your dream menu.

Yeah, they're on my dream menu.

Yeah.

Talk to us about your relationship with the bird's eye potato waffle.

I just think it's the sort of thing when very nostalgic.

Like, so I think I really like food and like good food.

But also, if I find myself in the house by myself one evening and I'm just cooking and I'm the only one who's got to eat this, we'll just have chicken nuggets and waffles and beans or something.

Just feels feels so nice to do that.

And a good waffle, they're so fluffy inside.

They've got a lovely lovely crisp they are versatile yeah you can have them with got one chicken nuggets yeah fish fingers beans beans have you had uh kidney beans and regular beans play connect four

with them yeah connect four yeah that's probably the end of no no

loads more i i got into uh

doing myself like duck breast in the in the lockdowns oh yeah and i'd have them with burden's eye potato waffles that's lovely i like that delicious that's really nice and when i was uh a teenager, me and my friends would go around to my friend Sam's house and do like movie marathons.

And we'd have a break usually in the middle to go and buy some food from Sainsbury's.

I'd get burst-eye potato waffles, a pack of ham, a pack of cheese.

Oh, yeah.

I'd baked these waffle sandwiches with him and got his dad into them.

How old were you at this point?

18?

Yeah, 18.

And his dad's come in, like...

His dad's come in.

What are you doing here, lads?

What are you eating?

A waffle sandwich?

Using waffles instead of bread?

Yep.

It's delicious.

Let me try them them in.

And then my family Sam was like, he's eating them all week.

All week.

Yeah, next time I saw him, he was like, My dad has bite.

How long was this movie marathon?

No, no.

I mean, after we've gone over, when you say movie marathon, do you mean you started at the beginning of the history of films and work your way through from there?

Did all the films.

Eating birds, like potato waffle sandwiches the whole time.

18.

Feels old for that, doesn't it?

Or to be doing movie marathons with your mates.

And eating waffle sandwiches.

I think that's prime age to do that, isn't it?

No?

It's veering on too old.

I think if you're not in your teens anymore, it's too old.

But if you're

six and you're doing this

now.

Full disclosure, I do it now.

Yeah, yeah.

If someone said to me, do you want to come over, watch all the alien films and eat burs-eye potato waffles and we'll just be like, yeah, I do, actually.

Someone.

Someone, anyone.

Anyone.

You, your hairdresser?

Yeah, yeah.

The only way doing that when you're 18 makes sense is if you're in a blunt rotation.

I'll pass it to his dad.

With Jesus and the angel of God.

Yeah, but that sounds to me like stoner food.

Yeah, well, I mean, we've covered this on the podcast before, though.

Yeah.

I hung out with stoners, but wasn't a stoner, so I ate like a stoner.

Yeah, okay.

So that's like my whole personality comes from hanging out with stoners but not doing drugs.

Yes.

And if anyone's ever confused by me, that's all I need to explain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I hung out with stoners, but I never did drugs.

Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

That's where all this comes from.

Yeah.

I guess that's where everyone, every sort of unique personality comes from, having hung around around with like if you're the only um non-doc worker who's hanging out in the docks yeah

this is going to be a quirky comedian too specific to not be you yeah yeah well i'm just trying to be

an anecdote about my dock life you know never been near the docks have you ever doc martins maybe no if

i said with the tone of an absolute slam i'll only go to the docks if they've been renovated and there's a street food player but it is laughing look he's laughing at the dock martin he's laughing at it because it was weak and you acted like it was strong.

What?

No.

I know he just pointed at you and nodded, but like, that's not why he's laughing.

It's a good slam.

Absolutely.

Did you?

But

I don't know why.

It's not just that lamb that's slow roasted.

That's better.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Slow roasted slam.

Oh.

Ah.

Yes.

I think the waffle sandwich, here's what I'd want to try, because I think I've seen similar things to this online.

Is take the frozen waffles out, put the fillings in between, put it in a toasty maker, oh, yeah, shut it, and let it all

cook like that, and then make a sort of sealed waffle sandwich.

Yeah, and if you cut the um, the ends off a waffle, so you have like the kind of spiky protruding bits, sort of like a little Lego set, really.

Yeah, put them in the hole, like build little things out of your waffles.

Is it as it am I the first person on this podcast?

I feel like I'm just probably saying something that someone's already said.

No, no, no,

no one ever has ever said you can get potato waffles and build them like Lego.

Fucking hell.

Well, I'm gonna listen back to every single one and double check.

Yeah,

I promise you.

Really?

You're the first one.

You should be happy about that.

You're an original.

Waffle Tower, please.

Yeah, this is from hanging out with all the dock workers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They always used to do waffle towers in their break.

Yeah.

They loved it.

Well, I like that.

I like that you've got the potato waffles there.

Yeah.

Double potato as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Got double potato.

I mean, would you want someone to make you potato dauphinoas out of Bears Laura Potato Waffles?

Potato waffle wa.

Waffle wa.

Waffle Waffle Wai.

Yeah.

I love a Waffle Wair.

Waffle Wa versatile.

It's not a bad idea, you know.

Oh, it would be good.

Just waffles cream.

I'll click on that YouTube video.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Someone making Dauphin Waz out of potato waffles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Waffle wa then.

Waffle wa.

Yeah.

Slow roasted lamb, dumpy carrots and waffle wa.

Yes, please.

Yeah.

I'm inventing a lot.

Yeah.

In this.

You are an inventor.

Yeah.

Have you always thought of yourself as an inventor?

I genuinely, I thought I invented pulled pork.

Two foods I invented, actually.

So when I was young, we had like roast chicken.

I used to get my fork and sort of score the chicken.

Yeah.

Because the gravy, it goes in, there's just more

surface area for all the flavour.

No one in my family did that.

I'm the only one scoring it.

Getting it like that.

And then I remember when pulled pork was becoming a big thing, I was like, I fucking invented that like 15 years ago

and felt like I didn't.

But I was a kid.

How do you utilize pulled pork as a child?

But yeah, I thought I'd invented pulled pork.

And the other thing, I had to stop myself doing something.

Because you never had shredded duck.

No.

No.

I'm Northern.

Come on.

I'm a Northern, six years old.

Shredded duck.

Fucking hell.

It's like standard Chinese takeaway stuff, shredded duck.

Yeah.

We're not.

We've been up north.

You can't lie to us.

I think there was only one Chinese takeaway in Goal for a while.

Yeah.

They would have definitely done shredded duck.

Yeah, I think, I think

a lot of the time we've got chips from there.

You know what I mean?

We weren't culinarily cultured.

My favourite thing I saw in a Chinese restaurant, restaurant, I've taught you as a quick detour, on a stag do.

Maybe can you bleep out the C word on this?

Well, yeah, but we can also keep it in.

Really?

Okay.

Trigger warning.

C-word incoming.

Was on a stagdew.

It's not going to be Chinese, is it?

Because you've already said that.

Oh, really?

In different parts of the country, the C-word is a different word.

Yeah, it's the swear C-word, just in case anyone's thinking this anecdote is going to be like bleak or offensive.

We're at a Chinese restaurant.

One member of the stag do, I've never met this guy, he's sort of like a heart of gold, but very laddy, and he's running late.

There is a kind word, and there's a madman in the Chinese restaurant, and he's singing songs.

That kind of vibe.

He's coming up to our table and singing best Chinese ever.

It's the best Chinese ever.

So he's supportive of the restaurant.

Yeah, that's good.

And he's clearly a regular, like they know him and they're looking at, oh, God.

and this guy comes with the confidence of being able to do this he comes up to the table and he's like stood right next to the guy and um he points at him when he says this but goes all right lads who the is this cunt

right pointing right in his face

all right lads who the fuck is this cunt right and um i i cried i was laughing so much yeah yeah that's brilliant i mean i i'd love that especially the stag do and even even then you weren't having the duck we were having shredded duck then yes oh okay yeah yeah Did you think you'd invented that?

No, the other one was so in woodwork class,

I got a penguin bar and

I put it in a vice.

The vice at the end of the table.

I'd just squash in this penguin bar.

Just think that's funny.

Get it tight, get it condensed.

Like doing that, really like getting the last bit of it.

And obviously, I pull it out and I ate the penguin bar.

The squash penguin bar.

It tasted incredible.

Yeah.

All the flavor.

Again, it's been condensed.

And like the cream in the middle is mushed in with the biscuit.

It's almost like a truffle.

Yeah.

It was beautiful.

And

I remember, I can't remember the other stuff.

I put a few things in that vice, food-wise.

And I remember having a real moment as a kid where I was like,

I've got to put a stop to this.

This can't be how I eat food.

Like if I'm eating a sandwich, but all I'm I'm thinking in my head is, got to get back, get in that woodwork class, get it in the vice.

I couldn't live like that.

But it is like a sandwich press.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Colpanini.

Yeah, but you've never seen a panini this flat.

I think that.

I mean, look, that could be a hit TikTok account.

Yeah, that is.

Oh, yeah.

Cooking with vice.

Yeah.

Because there's already those hydraulic press channels that I watch all of those.

Do you like hot balls?

I love hot iron balls.

I don't know what either of you are talking about.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

So it's similar, like hydraulic presses, obviously, you've seen those.

I've heard of it, though.

I've not seen them.

Yeah.

This is what, not being off social media.

Yeah.

Write a follow-up book called All the Things I'm Missing Out On.

Hot iron balls.

Red hot iron balls.

They get an iron ball until it's red hot.

Uh-huh.

And then they just like put it on stuff.

And when you, you might think red hot is like, oh, it's red hot out there.

Yeah.

It's red.

Yeah.

It's got red.

Just to be clear,

the phrase, it's red hot out there isn't a phrase.

What?

Someone said that.

No one's come in from outside of it.

It's red hot out there.

You don't have to

mix build gigs?

It's red hot out there.

Come off the side.

The audience of red hot.

Well, you don't only ever say red hot if something is physically red.

But then it's not a phrase.

Well, I was just saying if I saw something that was like, yeah, if I say that's red hot, fair enough.

It's red hot out there.

Yeah.

I really wouldn't.

That's what the chili peppers say to each other.

When another one of them is still out out of the way

yeah

it's red hot it has to be they're not in here and out there to be fair

it's red hot in here and and out there and out there frishanti is still yeah he's got to come in

you're always the last one can't decide if he wants to come in or not yeah he's just out there shaking everyone's hand yeah like rob beckett at the end of a gig did you know apparently frishanti won't shake hands i read about i love i love john frashanti and um i read an article that um him and flea won't shake hands because they're worried about germs.

Really?

So if you meet him in the street...

Flea is worried about germs.

He's got his knob out half the time.

Yeah, he's disgusting.

He looks like he's rolling around.

He looks like Flea looks like he bathes like a chinchilla does

in a box of sand.

This rolls around in it.

Yeah, he's named after something you get when you're dirty.

Yeah, yeah.

How is he?

Well, that's the revelation.

Yeah.

Do you want a vice at the table for your dream meal?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind one as an option.

Yeah.

Is this an okay time to flag up?

I'd like

when this is all done, I'd like a bit of chocolate.

I'd like a specific bit of chocolate.

I feel like you don't do that on the pod.

Chocolate postmail or no chocolate postmail.

Yeah, but I want a bit of chocolate.

I want a little sweet squirrel.

Is this in between the main and the dessert?

I'd like to my dessert.

You know, when they bring the bill, I want a little squat.

We're not there yet, man.

Yeah, but I just want to flag it up because you guys, I'll say my pudding and you'll be like, all right, then, cheers, thanks.

Bye.

You're out in the studio.

Me and Benito here.

Oh, Well, yeah, you think you're staying with you?

Yeah, just me by myself.

He's the first out the door.

He's not like your producer.

Yeah, he's the easiest one to be here.

Look at him now.

He's already thinking about it.

I'm not hanging out after this.

I usually go bowling after a northern news record.

No, no, no, no bowling.

Absolutely not.

Benito leaves the studio straight away.

He goes, it's red hot out there and he runs out the room.

Yeah.

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You're drinking drink though, Ian.

So I thought about, I mean, a red wine, a nice red wine would go very good with lamb.

Yes.

But I think if it's a drink, I'm trying to compliment the

waffles.

That's the thing you want to compliment with the drink, yeah, okay.

The waffle wine.

But I love my favourite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

So like a dandelion and burdock, I reckon.

Which is almost, it's like a wine.

Sure.

I've still never had a dandelion and burdock.

No.

I should have brought one in.

I think I've had one once.

I can't really remember remember either way what the impression was that I got of it, but like I know that I don't really, I can never really place what it is.

It's quite medicinal.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what it is: dandelions and burdock.

Yeah.

So it's quite a burden.

Have any of them in any other context?

No.

Don't know what burdelies are.

But could you, because you've drunk a lot of dandelion and burdock, if the dandelion and burdock were on the quiz for the different herbs,

would you be able to pick up on them?

Would you be able to say all day long?

If they kept the flower of the dandelion on yeah yeah but a burdock i think it's like a root right so i wouldn't yeah i wouldn't know what that was at all so it's quite medicinal yeah but i like botanical stuff yeah yeah i believe i love elder elderflower i'm a big elderflower boy that's i always associate that with very old people really with like elderflower drinks yeah it's a young man's game now elderflower

all the kids on social media it's red hot iron balls and it's elderflower

what would happen if you touched elderflower with a red hot iron ball?

All I know is, if I saw that as a video description, I would click on it, even if there's two adverts before it.

Yeah, I think you would be the only person the algorithm's recommending that to.

Yeah, I don't think anyone else has that crossover.

Yeah, yeah, it's not lasting long, is it?

The Elderflower with the red hot iron ball, and there'll be a flame, yeah, there'll be a flame, it'll be gone.

It'll be up in flames before the balls touch most of it.

I think, yeah, wow, yeah, some of it does that, yeah.

Really?

That's how hot the iron ball is.

Yeah, it's red hot.

Wow,

is there a certain brand of dandelion and and burdock that you gravitate to that you buy for the house?

I guess the go-to is Fentamans.

Oh, yes.

They're your medicinal type.

I thought Dandelion and Burdock was a brand name.

No, no.

Was it not?

Flavour.

No.

Just the ingredients.

Do you think there's like Mr.

Dandelion and Mrs.

Burdock made a drink to you?

Yeah.

I thought there was a specific one that called Dandelion and Burdock.

No, no.

That's the flavour.

So Fentamans, Dandelion and Burdock.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind the Fentamans.

Do you think salt and vinegar is a flavour or a brand?

I think it is.

Let me think of one to join in.

Look it up.

Do you think Tia Maria is a fucking

brand?

Do you think Tia Maria is a brand?

Yeah,

that is, yeah.

It's flavoured with Tia and Maria.

Who was it?

Someone told me what Tia Maria meant the other day, and then I forgot.

It's like Auntie or something.

Auntie Maria.

Auntie Maria.

Do you know that?

No.

There you go.

Now you know that.

You can tell people that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I will tell people that actually.

First person I see out of this spod.

Your hairdresser.

Yeah, probably.

Do you want ice in your DMB?

No, I just want it to be cold though.

Yeah.

I've started saying that at like pubs and stuff when they say do you want ice in your drink?

I would just go, is it cold?

And yeah.

I went, no, no.

And I say in that tone, no.

Or I'll ask for like one cube.

I don't like getting a we get a pint and they fill it to the top of ice cubes.

This is this is insane.

Yeah, how much drink you actually get in there?

Yeah, yeah.

So, I um, yeah, I'm specifying no ice, just put it in the fridge, but

frosty cold, frosty glass, maybe.

Oh, yeah, like really cold, yeah.

But I'll ring in advance and say, get a DNB in the fridge, will you?

Please, to the pub, yeah,

to the dream restaurant, get a D and B in the fridge, will you?

Smithy's coming to town, yeah, yeah.

You ever call yourself Smithy?

No, I've had um, people used to get called Big Smithy as a nickname.

My first nickname at school was Ebo because it's hard to make a nickname out of Ian.

So someone's going like E, that's too short.

Some call me Ebo for a while.

And then I was watching an episode of The Weakest Link, and there was a woman called Ebo on it.

And

Anne Robinson, was that her name?

Yeah, yes.

Is her name.

I hope.

Yep.

At the time of recording, it is her name.

I don't think people lose their names when they die, do they?

Yeah, she'll have it forever.

Okay.

Even when her body's long gone and left his realm.

Okay, well, whatever state you're in, Anne Robinson asked, that's an interesting name, what does it mean?

And she said it means Nigerian woman.

I had to go back to school the next day.

It's not appropriate.

It's not appropriate.

We've got to knock Ebo on the head, guys.

It's either E or Big Smithy, I guess.

But feels weird for a primary school kid.

Got to grow into Big Smithy.

So, yes, that Ebo is a short-lived nickname for me.

Yeah.

your dream dessert, Ian?

I love I love puddings so much.

Yes.

So there's so many.

But I've gone so I've just gone with one.

My dad's good at puddings.

Okay.

What's his name?

Andrew.

Andrew Smith.

Shout out.

I sort of hesitated then because I just thought it's very rare I'd refer to my dad as

Andrew.

Yeah.

Only when he's been naughty.

No, we just call him Ambo.

Guess what?

Same dad name.

Oh,

what's your dad called?

This is the first time.

This is the first time

we've had a same dad name.

Really?

First time on the pod.

How many episodes has it been, Benito?

A lot.

This is the first time saying dad's name.

Same dad name.

What's your dad's middle name?

Yeah.

If it was a squad name.

No, no, whether

it's spiral.

No middle name.

No middle name.

No middle name.

Middle name skip a generation in our family.

What?

Because my granddad.

My granddad was Andrew Stevenson Gamble.

Then they had Andrew Gamble.

Yeah.

So everyone started calling my granddad Steve.

And my middle name is Stevenson.

Yeah.

So if I have a son, I'm going to call him Edward, and everyone has to start calling me Steve.

I can't wait to start calling you Steve.

It'll be great.

That's when you know a pod's been going a long time.

Yeah.

When you have to call someone a different name.

Yeah.

Because they've called their son their name.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Professionally, it's going to be really difficult for me, but family traditions must be upheld.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love calling you Steve.

I feel like triggering Fools and Horses.

What's your dad's middle name?

Kenneth.

Wow.

I thought Stevenson was weird.

No.

Kenneth's a big middle name.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's a big name.

Just in the back, Stevenson's weird.

I'm going to be the voice of the listeners here.

Kenneth's a name.

Stevenson's a surname.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've never met anyone else with the middle name Stevenson before, let alone it's a family tradition.

A butler getting told off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stevenson.

They must say, come in here.

Do you think this cutlery has been shined to perfection?

Well, that's what I thought.

I just think I rarely hear the name out of it.

Kenneth.

Yeah, Barlow.

Coronation Street, I guess.

Yeah, but everyone calls him Ken, right?

Yeah, yeah.

But I guess maybe

Kenneth Williams is the only one I hear.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What esteemed company.

Barlow and Williams.

Kenneth and Kell.

What's that?

Kenneth and Kell.

Oh, yeah.

Be a very different show.

Yeah.

I'd watch it.

I'm still watching.

What does Andrew Kenneth Smith do?

Because you started talking about the drugs.

My dad's got good desserts.

Yes.

Sorry.

My dad was a chef in the Navy.

And then did a few other cooking jobs.

I'm just going to jump in.

My granddad.

Oh.

Andrew Stevenson Gamble.

Yeah.

He was in the Navy.

Wow.

Really?

Look at this.

You're basically the same guy.

Yeah.

And I don't know how big the age difference is.

Was your granddad in the Falklands?

No.

Dad might have cooked for him.

You never know.

Because he wasn't in the Falklands.

Yeah.

I'm not saying he's cooked for everyone in the Falklands.

He showed his

people in the Falklands than a lot of people you've had on this pod.

So your dad is a dessert chef in the Navy.

I mean, that's.

He didn't know.

Not just.

Because it really comes down to it.

Your dad is probably, you know, is he pretty handy with a whisk against the enemy?

Oh, yeah.

He's good at whisking.

Attracting them with a piping bag.

You've got a piping bag.

Attacking them.

I think they would let him, in a combat situation, they wouldn't just say improvise with the kids.

Your ice cream soup.

Yeah.

Well, I've got so many things to say.

Firstly, guess who else was a chef in the Navy?

Steven Segal in Under Siege.

Oh, really?

So it's so close to you saying Stevenson.

Yes.

I thought you said Stevenson Gal in Under Siege, and I was like, what?

Stevenson Gal.

Steven Segal in Under.

He was a chef in the Navy.

Yes, he was.

He was a chef in Under Siege.

Because that was the big era of action films having unlikely.

Yeah.

So the hero is always someone who's knocking about and you underestimate so maybe under siege was based on your dad could be yeah i mean the evidence is there they're both chefs in the navy yeah so your dad learned

did he learn to cook in the navy um i'm not sure to be honest i guess he would have he must have been able to cook before he was stationed as the ship chef yes so the ship chef ship chef But yeah, I'm not sure what he's in terms of like the cookery school.

But my mum and dad are both

good cooks that's good i my mum does an incredible meatloaf let's just get that i don't want it to feel like i'm just complimenting my daddy enough about our karaoke choices

i'm really hoping

james going to hype dad doing a fist bump just to a very faint click of a cuckoo

there was a really slow motion my hand going towards it and then at the last minute i decided to go for the fist bump but only caught his top knuckle and it cracked and it cracked

pathetic

yeah that's it

viral um viral that's gone viral ed sinks meatloaf at karaoke yeah oh do you i do yeah i think i did that at karaoke i don't like karaoke do you know i don't think i did a meatloaf once

but the hell's long innit yeah yeah that's why i like doing it really yeah yeah not let anyone else get up it's funny to me that five minutes in, people start clapping as if it's finished and they're relieved.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I have to say, he's not even crashed the bike yet.

Yeah,

always works.

I've seen him do it about three times.

Every time he says he's not even crushed the bike yet, big laugh from that.

Yeah, round of applause.

I'm like, fair enough.

I know.

I know this isn't the place of material.

We're meant to be letting our hair down, having a good time, but you can't fault it.

Yeah.

Bow hell, you get a Bohemian Rhapsody.

Of course.

End of the night.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I do it like the Evans.

I do all the actions.

I don't sing sing it.

My friend Dom got we got kicked out of a karaoke bar in Edinburgh because

Dom the hairdresser.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's my friend.

He moved on to friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

We did, well, he did, but I put him down for Mad World and he did the sad Mad World at karaoke bar.

And the guy, the atmosphere was incredible.

People were singing along.

Yeah.

The guy went, wasn't happy.

And then

we're just about to go up and do Candle in the Wind where the guy come over my table.

The level of anger for

funny is so disproportionate, but he's like, You're fucking killing me here.

You're killing me here.

If you're going to keep doing songs like that, you can fuck off.

And we will keep that's what the songs will keep doing.

And we're kicked out.

Yeah.

You're kicked off doing sad songs.

Yeah, yeah.

That's great.

Which candle in the wind?

Well, we didn't get

Monroe.

Back to back, I imagine.

We were doing it as a duet, and I'd have been singing for Diana, and he'd have been singing for Monroe.

Yeah,

Monroe had better hair.

Yeah, yeah.

Only just, by the way.

For all the Princess Diane fans, of its time as well.

Poverty time.

Yeah.

So you're doing dessert.

The one that...

So my dad would make a trifle.

But if he's doing a trifle, and I just want one component in the trifle, it's my favourite bit.

Okay.

But, you know, you get those...

They're not like sponge, little sponge fingers, and they soak up a bit of jelly.

Yes.

Get rid of them.

Oh.

Get rid of that.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

They won't last two seconds in the vice.

Get rid of them.

They'll crumble.

What my dad would do is he'd cut up a Swiss roll into slices.

He's putting that on the base.

Yeah.

And then you pour in hot jelly over that.

And then when it sets, the sponge has taken on the jelly and you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly.

It's like a jelly sponge cake.

Yeah.

It's such a.

I'm laughing at this because I've had this is very comedy.

have you had it with Swiss roll?

Yes.

It is delicious and I'm fully in your corner.

It seems like believing you've invented things runs in the family.

My dad never claims to have invented it.

But I want I love the cake absorbing jelly and the bit of icing that doesn't absorb anything and that's just there.

So I want a fuck ton, if you're allowed to say that, of cake.

But they're in a bowl.

I want you to cut up Swiss roll, chocolate, and plain.

I want Battenberg sliced up.

Wow.

Whack it all in a bowl to the rim.

Then I want hot jelly poured over it.

I want all that to get soaked up.

Bread jelly.

Bread jelly.

Yeah.

Red jelly, or I'd even take lime.

Okay.

Put it in the fridge, and then I'd just cut me out a big slice of that.

Yeah.

Jellied cake.

So, yeah, jelly.

Is it jellied cake or caked jelly, would you say?

Jellied cake.

Yes.

Because more cake than jelly.

Yeah, and

the cake is becoming jellified.

Yeah.

But you can't cake jelly, I don't think.

Okay.

Yes.

You can jelly cake, you can't cake jelly.

Yeah, the jelly's affecting the situation here.

That's the way you remember it.

You can jelly a cake, but you can't cake a jelly.

I'm sure they could cake a jelly.

Cake is a...

You can cake stuff, but I guess.

Yeah.

You can be caked in jelly.

Oh, yeah.

You can't be jellied in cake.

We know what the next t-shirts are going to be, merchwise.

You can't jelly a cake.

I think that's great.

I can't fault that.

I would like to eat that any day of the week.

That's delicious.

Yeah, I'm happy with that.

And it is the best part of a, I don't know.

Actually, the rest of a trifle is pretty brilliant.

Yeah, a lot of cost happens.

Wouldn't be sad if that was gone.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd say a lot of your dishes are just loads of things just thrown together.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is what they are, yeah.

I think you could eat a lot.

I think you could eat your whole meal with a spoon.

Yes, you could.

Yeah.

Blood, risotto.

Waffle-wah.

Yeah, the lamb.

Yuts, that's fallen.

Yeah, that's fallen.

Yeah.

No, you could.

Yeah.

Yeah, just put a spoon out.

Great.

That's your dessert.

So, thanks in.

Thanks, English.

Thanks very much for your time.

See you later now.

So what do you want?

What chocolate you got?

Go on then.

You've got a specific dish.

And if you've never had it before, I've got one in my bag that you can try a bit of.

I love these so much.

A peppermint slice.

Yes.

You know, you're millionaire shortbread.

Yeah.

The caramel's gone.

Right.

And it's peppermint cream.

Yeah.

And they only really do them in like Aberdeen, like sort of northern Scotland.

And anytime I go to Aberdeen to see my family, I will walk around Aberdeen to try and find a bakery that's got one.

I walked for ages to a cafe near the docks, actually, in my sort of comfortable environment.

Because a review from 2002 said the peppermint squares were nice.

I went, they weren't doing them anymore.

They had a mint Maltese or Tiffin, but that's not the same.

But I had to get one of them because I can't go into a cafe like a bakery and just go, not for me, and walk out.

I'll tell you what, you can do that.

Yeah, you can do that.

Really?

You can go in any place, look around and go, actually, I don't want any of this and walk out.

And that's on them.

They won't go, what a fucking weirdo.

Yeah.

He didn't, he didn't buy it.

Have a nice day.

Thanks very much.

Really?

That's absolutely, that's changed my life.

Yeah.

How much stuff have you bought in the past out of awkwardness?

A Mondeo.

barely drive.

Can't drive a manual anymore.

That's what I got.

Yeah, but I'd like a bit of peppermint square.

A peppermint square.

You got some in your bag?

Yeah, do you want to?

Have you ever had one?

Let me look.

No.

Let me have a look.

Just to see.

I want to see exactly what you mean because your description of it was pretty funny.

Peppermint slash.

Oh, well.

No, I've not had one of them.

How have you found it in

London?

Well, this was my mum and dad got me a little batch of them for Christmas.

Oh, that's nice.

For the listener, it's January 6th right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, if this comes out, I dare you to put it out in August with me talking about Christmas.

I dare you.

They got them for Christmas, and I still haven't finished them.

Yeah, of course.

Now,

whatever time you're listening, I haven't finished them.

Yeah.

How many did they get here?

Oh, there'll have been a good like five.

Yeah.

Is this the last one?

Yeah.

They know you love them.

Oh, yeah.

I love them so much.

I think it's a bit, I love mint.

Once, have you ever been in New Zealand, um in auckland have you been to the red lady the white lady the van no it's like a famous kind of food street food van it's been around there for ages it's in a part of auckland where it's open really late but the people around the van are quite scary um one of the flavors milkshake flavours milkshake that they do is

it's spear milk

saying it like it's a riddle flavours milkshake which flavours milkshake

do sound like i live under a bridge and I'm like a riddle?

Milkshake flavours three.

Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry.

That's good.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I can be a trip.

I'm a surprised riddle then.

Not bad.

But yeah, they did spearmint.

And I thought, I'll try that.

Just a big fucking drink of toothpaste.

Awful.

Worst thing I've ever had in my life.

What I always love is when someone mentions a place.

By name.

Benito's googling it.

Big build-up.

And it ends with you saying they do something that's disgusting.

Well, if you ever have to do that.

The milkshakes are disgusting, but the burgers are lovely.

Yeah.

Even that out.

What colour lady was it?

White lady.

It was a white lady.

There you go.

I'm ready to main your back now.

See how you feel about it?

Okay.

Water, you want blood?

Pottons of bread.

And you wanted that.

You want that.

Pottons of bread, you want a basket of rowies?

I guess a rowe or a buttery.

Butteries, yeah.

Potato dampies.

Dampers.

Dampers.

Potato dampies.

This is what he's making.

He's drunk toys.

He's put dampies here.

Fuck yeah.

Bonito has written dampies here.

See, and he's loving it.

Starter.

Haggis salmon and saffron risotto.

Brackets, Macaulay Surprise.

Main course, slow-cooked lamb with black and dumpy carrots and waffle wah potatoes, which is your side dishes: waffle wa potatoes.

Drink, Fentamans, Dandelion and Burdock.

Dessert, jellied cake,

followed by a peppermint square.

It sort of snuck up on me how fucking mad that menu is.

Yep.

Well, when you hear it back, it is mad.

My original water choice was going to be bobbing for apples.

Was it?

Oh, I'm disappointed we didn't get to that one.

It's boring.

I thought it was just Bob for apples.

Have you ever bobbed for apples before?

Yeah.

Successfully?

Yeah,

got an apple, yeah.

Wow.

So the water choice is bobbing for apples.

Are you hoping you'll accidentally take some water on to hydrate?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the plan.

That's how you get it.

Well, we'll let you do that as well.

The blood.

You know, the blood, blood on the side.

Yeah, at the end.

Or bob for apples, but in blood.

Oh, yeah.

Or yeah.

Halloween.

Bob for blood oranges.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not even getting to eat them once you've got them then.

You'll get them and then peel them.

Awful.

Peels blood oranges in blood, and I'll bob for them.

Ian, you're one of those guests where it takes ages because everything that anyone mentioned, any word, you've got a story about it.

Yeah.

You find that.

I try and come with anecdotes.

And listen, we have a secret ingredient every week.

Oh, yeah.

I was nervous.

For you, it It was harsh this week.

Because I was like, because of ghoul, I was like, we should make salt and pepper the secret ingredient, but only if you specify you want some salt and pepper in there.

And when you said that.

I didn't even want pepper, yeah.

When you said that, I was like, I mean, you've absolutely swerved it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You specifically swerved the secret ingredient.

That makes it look like Benito's given me a tip off.

Oh, yeah, he would have loved it.

Don't say something about it.

He loves it when it goes wrong.

Ian, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you, ian

thank you so much to ian for coming on the past

we went through a lot of topics he's got a i mean i don't know what's going to make it in what's going to not make it in but uh i hope it makes sense what will definitely make it in is ian deliberately saying he didn't want pepper yes he wanted haggis instead that was great yeah because like you know he didn't know obviously yeah so he's actually gone out of his way to not put pepper on a dish by using haggis instead.

He definitely didn't say the secret ingredient, he gets to stay in the restaurant.

What I would say is that the pepperiness in haggis comes from pepper.

But

I didn't want to go down that road.

No, no, especially because he would have been like, why am I being so

interrogated on this particular.

But even just the idea of saying you can put haggis on something and you don't have to use pepper.

You are putting pepper on it.

Sure.

That's what you're doing.

Meaty pepper.

Yeah, meaty pepper and oats and stuff.

Yeah.

The best pepper, maybe.

The best pepper.

Meaty pepper.

Meat pepper.

Dr.

Pepper's

older brother?

Yes.

Tougher brother.

Tough.

Yeah.

Meaty pepper.

Yeah, meat pepper.

Fights his battles for him.

Yeah.

Crushing is out now.

Watch Ian Smith and his new comedy special.

You'll be so glad that you did.

Of course, our dear old friend Ian Smith is on tour now with FootSpa Half Empty.

For dates and tickets, go to Ian SmithComedian.com.

And listen to Northern News.

His podcast is Vamy Glad Hill.

very very funny hey and show what watch all the family gladhill stuff yeah while we're here oh come on we get we can't be using ian's episode to plug amy stuff oh come on just do do the whole northern news world yes okay you know

that and then listen to all the plosive podcasts yeah thank you very much for listening to the off menu podcast we will see you next week we will see you next week bye-bye bye

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