Episode #406 (Originally aired 10/07/16)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Month series, Real Time with Bill Maud.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

Thank you.

Oh, I know why you're.

Oh, listen to this excitement.

Thank you very much.

I know why you're excited.

It's California and you're dry.

A little too dry, you know.

To our friends in Florida, on the southeast coast of America, we wish you the best.

Looks like we dodged the bullet a little bit with that storm.

However, with Donald Trump talking about women,

it has been upgraded to a category five shitstorm.

Did you?

I mean,

every week I say this, this is really happening.

It came out today.

They got a tape, did you see this?

It's from 2005, I think, and it's Trump talking to Billy Bush, you know, because he's such a serious guy,

Billy Bush,

of Access Holly.

They don't know their mic is on.

That's one indication you're a fucking idiot.

And Trump says, you know, I'm automatically attracted to the beautiful.

I just start kissing them.

I don't even wait.

When you're a star, you can do anything.

You can grab them by the pussy.

This is what he says.

Grab them by the pussy?

Sounds like what Hillary did to him at the first debate.

Is this really happening?

The guy who's running for president says grabbed them by the pussy?

Even Bill Cosby today was like, Jesus, at least I'm thoughtful enough to give them a drug in their drink.

I cannot wait until the Sunday morning talk shows to see what the Trump surrogates are going to spin this into.

Look, George, people are tired of Washington politicians who won't grab the voters by the pussy.

Donald Trump and

Mike Pence are making sexual assault great again.

And this is a week where only just a few days ago, Donald Trump out on the stump accused Hillary Clinton, with no evidence, of cheating on Bill.

Donald Trump, the only person he's ever been able to stay loyal to is Vladimir Putin.

And what

does Mike Pence, evangelical Catholic choir boy, Boy Scout, values person, a guy who said for thousands of years, marriage has served as the glue that holds families and societies together.

Mike, when Donald Trump hugs your wife, that's not glue.

I mean,

no wonder at the vice presidential debate, did you see the debate, by the way?

Oh,

the Republicans said it was a game changer.

Game changer.

Channel changer.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

These two good.

Tim Kaine, who looks like the dad who answers the door on Halloween night, and he's wearing a costume, too.

And Mike Pence, who looked like the albino assassin in the Da Vinci Code.

Anyway, Mike Pence, interesting guy, the whole debate, first of all, Mike Pence denies evolution, denies climate change, and now denies the existence of Donald Trump.

Apparently,

his whole strategy was to pretend we live in an age where videotape has yet to be invented.

Tim Kaine would quote Donald Trump verbatim about Mexicans, about Muslims, about Putin, about using nukes.

And Mike Pence would say, Trump, you say?

A Donald Trump.

I know a Forrest Gump.

I don't know a Donald Trump.

I don't think I know a Donald Trump.

And by the way, if I did, he would never say those things you're quoting, even if he did exist, which he doesn't.

Mike Pence has a bumper sticker now.

It just says Pence plus one.

And of course,

right after the debate, you know what Donald Trump said?

He said, Mike Pence did an incredible job and I'm getting a lot of credit.

I'm getting a lot of credit.

I mean, is there anything this guy will not take credit for?

When the sun comes up.

The sun.

I always said this about the sun, because when it comes,

I say the sun, unbelievable the sun, when this sun comes up every day, and people are worried about the sun.

We've got to find out what's going on with the sun.

But I said it would come up and it did.

I'm taking a lot of credit for that.

I mean,

I made the sun come out.

Okay, so.

So actually, you know, there is an actual scandal that happened this week.

Not that there isn't every week with Donald Trump, but at the beginning of the week, we found out in 1995, Donald Trump filed a tax return,

$916 million loss.

Probably hasn't paid taxes in 18 years.

And what did Donald Trump say?

I used the tax laws brilliantly.

Well, they found Donald Trump's accountant.

He said Donald Trump didn't understand the tax code.

He didn't do anything but sign his name to it.

So if you're keeping score, he's a huge business failure, which he exploited by cheating and then bragged about it with a lie.

Somewhere

somewhere in the showers at Sing Sing, Bernie Madoff is going, shit, I should have run for president.

Didn't pay taxes for 18 years?

I've got an accounting question.

How is this election close?

Oh, that's right.

Fucking idiots.

I try not to say that every week, and yet it seems to be so apropos.

Fucking idiots vote.

And speaking of fucking idiots, the next debate on Sunday is a town hall format.

The questions will come from undecided voters.

For fuck's sake, undecided voters?

They've been running for over a year.

They've been famous, both of these people, for 30 years.

It's like being undecided about Santa Claus and Dracula.

You know, I...

I know both of you work at night.

Which one sucks blood?

So you know what, people,

don't fuck around with this election.

Don't fuck around.

I know Hillary isn't your favorite, a lot of you.

Please, don't vote for Gary Johnson or do some stupid shit like that.

Gary Johnson,

who,

as we know, couldn't name Aleppo, the city at the heart of the Syrian war, which was going on for five years, couldn't name any foreign leader.

This week, he was asked to name the leader of North Korea, said, I'm not going to do it.

Gary Johnson, I think, should not be my president.

He should be my weed dealer.

All right, we got a great show.

James Carville, Mark Cuban, and Johan Harry are here, and a little later, we will be speaking with Mr.

Worldwide himself, Pitbull.

But first up, oh, this guy, I used to laugh my ass at him on Saturday Night Live, and politically incorrect when he was on.

And then he went on to other things.

That's right, he's a senator.

Al Franken is over here.

He's a senator.

And a great senator.

Al Franklin, how are you?

I'm great.

Hello.

Gary Johnson.

Gary Johnson did not know the name of the president of Mexico when he was the governor of New Mexico.

Right.

It's like Gary Brown, the governor of California, not knowing the city where people go to gamble.

Las Vegas.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Anyway.

Al, it is so good to see you telling jokes again.

I mean, you haven't been on this show in a very long time.

You had to, for a very good reason, you had to take a humor hiatus.

You were known as a, I don't think there's ever been a comedian, right, elected to the Senate?

No.

Right.

You were breaking new ground and you had to prove to people that you were serious before you could go back to being funny.

But now you can go back to be funny because you not being funny is like Trump not being an asshole.

It's just, it's the, thank you.

Oh, that is so, gosh, that's the nicest thing anyone said to me.

It's so, it's your essence.

Well, you know, I really enjoy this job and I really enjoy making a difference.

And in my 2008 election, which was very close, what they used against me was

stuff I had said in comedy and they put it through a machine called the dehumerizer.

And so it robbed it of all its context, et cetera.

The dehumerizer.

And then, you know, I came to the Senate, and I wanted to make sure that people in Minnesota, especially, but also my colleagues in the Senate, knew that I was there to be a workhorse and not a showhorse.

And in many ways, I used Hillary as...

a model, not that she had been

that funny.

She was funny, but not that funny.

But that she had come.

She had the same issue.

She had depression.

She had some of the same issues that her Republican colleagues were maybe suspicious of her, that Democratic colleagues might thought that she was going to

take their camera time.

But she did

was a workhorse, and I had the same thing because I had come from comedy about the camera time, and the Republicans.

I had used a lot of my career to heap scorn and ridicule on Republicans.

So,

but

well,

but my Republican colleagues soon learned that

I was there at the hearings, I was prepared, I was there early, I stayed late, I knew my stuff, and they also got to know

anti-Marco Rubio.

Well,

you showed up and you knew shit.

Okay.

But they actually got to know me and then got to know, like, oh, I see.

He was a comedian because he was funny.

Right.

And I laugh a lot.

Right.

So

I work across party lines when we can find common ground, and I stand my ground when I have to.

Right.

And you do it well.

And speaking of heaping scorn, you know,

2003, you had your book, Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell.

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.

Yes.

Okay.

But, and, you know

it's a great book and

it put the you know it put the focus where it should be on the lies and the liars.

But I mean can you imagine where we've come with lying now?

I mean someone like Donald Trump has broken ground in a way that science never thought we were.

I mean he lies sometimes within the same sentence.

He lies about lying.

The thing is when I did that, it was President Bush, W,

and it was kind of quaint to point out that things were lies or distortions, and it's just changed.

We're in a post-Trump era in terms of lying, and politicians don't seem to pay a penalty

for

insulting your intelligence with lies, lying

about lying, lying for the sake of lying.

You don't pay any price for that.

In fact, it's just the opposite.

We seem to be a very pro-lie society right now.

Right.

And

because people don't know anything.

Well, many of his supporters, see, when people don't know anything, politicians can say anything.

I think they like it because

it takes the reality

that they think is boring, the boring political reality, and makes it fun.

It's like making a movie out of a true story, but loosely basing it, you know?

And

so

I think the public has become decidedly pro-lie.

I mean, it must be very hard.

You mentioned working across the aisle.

It must be very hard in that atmosphere.

And we have seen, I mean, just in the time you've been there, they won't vote on the Supreme Court justice.

I mean, something like that.

Unprecedented.

Unprecedented.

Things like Zika virus, virus, something like that used to be very non-partisan.

There's a killer mosquito.

Let's do something about it.

Right.

Can't vote on that.

Is there any hope to ending this kind of stalemate?

Yes, I like to think there is.

First of all, I'm obviously hoping that Hillary wins.

Sorry.

I should have put it in.

How brave of you, Al.

Yeah.

I'm sorry that we killed time with the applause.

I'm sorry.

But, and then I hope we have a Democratic Senate.

Don't, you know, I know you like that.

But here's the thing,

and then I think we get a new Supreme Court justice.

And Citizens United was decided 5-4.

And I would like to think that we can reverse that.

And this is

what's been so pernicious about Citizens United is that I see a lot of my Republican colleagues who fear getting primaried on the right.

And for example, on climate change, which you care tremendous about, and I do.

They will not acknowledge the existence of climate change and that it's man-made because they're afraid that in their state they can only lose on the right.

and that the

Koch brothers can dump immediately $10 million on them to be primaried by someone who's pro-fossil fuels.

So

if Citizens United goes away,

a lot of that fear goes away, I think, from my Republican colleagues.

Now, last time I saw you, I mentioned this in private.

I'm going to ask you again.

I said, I have an idea about Citizens United because Congress people spend an inordinate amount of time begging for money.

What if they made a law that said, okay, we can't overturn that.

You can get money, but the politicians themselves can't do it.

You have somebody in your office who has to do it.

You can never legally get on the phone with someone.

Wouldn't that be a good law?

Wouldn't they all vote for it because they don't really want to do it?

Well, actually, we can't literally ask for the Citizens United money.

That's not the money we ask for.

But you've spent hours and hours asking for money.

You've done it with me.

What if it wasn't?

You weren't giving me Citizens United money, but

the distinction is any campaign fine.

I would like to see public financing of campaigns.

Me too.

But short of that,

that I would like to see.

And I do, you're right.

I spend an awful lot of time.

What happens is when I call you for money,

we just end up talking.

And it's just a big waste of time.

Well, you're not a waste of time.

You give me money but

great to see you Al

send it around Frank and women be good ones everyone send it back all right let's be in our panel thanks Al

hey

all right

Hey they are.

He is a journalist and author of Chasing the Scream now and paperback Johan Hari back with us.

Hey Alva, how you doing?

He is an entrepreneur and an actual billionaire.

He's supporting Hillary Clinton for president.

Good move.

Mark Cuban.

And he's a Democratic strategist and author of We're Still Right and They're Still Wrong, The Democrats' Case for 2016 from the war room, James Carville.

All right.

So don't forget us to send us your questions for tonight's overtime to answer them after the show on YouTube.

All right, every week I say, when are we going to reach the bottom with Donald Trump?

Obviously, this was not the week.

You were around when the Republicans were saying, what do we tell the children?

Yeah, sure.

I remember that well.

What do we tell the children about I grab pussy without thinking about it?

Well, you know, what was interesting is that you watch Mike Pence in the debate, and he was so religious, I thought he was going to start speaking in tongues.

What does he say about this?

He kicked the reporters out.

He said nothing but we're going to stop gays from getting married but you know maybe the good thing is they won't be grabbing people there.

He said if gay people applied for a marriage license they should be arrested.

He's a nut.

He says that people who get abortions should have to have a funeral for the fetus.

Yeah.

A lie.

A funeral.

He said that gay people who wanted titanium treatment.

What do you say at the eulogy?

He said that gay people who want treatment for HIV should have to be required to go to courses that would cure them of their homosexuality.

He's a seriously extreme person.

And now he's defending the guy who says you can grab any woman's pussy you want.

And he's the one on the ticket who is sane.

That's that people want to put at the top of the ticket.

It's crazy.

Well, I understand now.

Now, Donald Trump was supposed to have a rally tomorrow with Paul Ryan.

Right.

And now he has been disinvited.

Right.

And it's.

No, this just happened before we went on.

True.

And it's going to be Mike Pence and Paul Ryan.

Wow, when the top of the ticket is disinvited to his own rally?

He's finally toxic.

Donald Trump is finally toxic.

And I think.

Yeah, Mark and I got into a discussion before this.

I think he's going to quit.

I don't, no, really, right now.

I'm saying right here.

I think the guy is going to suffer.

Yes.

There's just no way.

I think you know why he's not going to come.

Because his basket of deplorables.

Right.

And if the basket fits,

they'll stick to the bank.

That's 37% reduction.

No, he has a problem, though.

He is completely unaware.

And we've had so many moments when it looked like he was taking

the attack on the Khan family.

And particularly as a British person, I feel very self-conscious about this here.

Because of the Brexit debate, you look at two things are happening all over the world right now.

Countries are acting to self-harm in insane ways.

Britain will be permanently poorer, weaker, and shittier because of of Brexit.

This week in Colombia, they voted to reject a peace deal that would have ended a 50-year war.

And the second thing that's happening is people are lying to opinion pollsters about it.

They're saying they won't vote for it, then they're going into the polling station and they're voting for it.

I think we should be working on the assumption that Trump will bounce back from this and that he will win.

And anyone watching this who wants to stop that happening, I think it's the most likely scenario.

And anyone who wants to stop that happening, I know I will never forgive myself for not having done more.

People should be signing up now to volunteer.

Well, maybe this will help people.

Nut

again this is this is the guy let's remember he has said both nobody knows the Bible better than me

and this week he said nobody respects women more than me.

Okay.

He knows more than generals.

He knows what

I don't know what that has to do with this.

Here's what he said we found out today.

He was talking to Billy Bush.

I moved on her and I failed.

He's talking about a married woman.

I'll admit it, I did try and fuck her.

She was married.

Mike Pence, you're moved.

And I moved on her very heavily.

In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.

Who took somebody furniture shopping?

I've heard him buying dinner to get into a woman's pants, but you have to buy the whole dining room.

You're going to be selling something, right?

He's never heard of

furniture to buy a woman.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

All right.

I think this is a kind of good opportunity to reassess some of the things we already knew about Donald Trump.

For example, when he got divorced in 1989, his wife, Ivana, said that he raped her, right?

This is just a fact, that she gave a sworn deposition.

We should be looking at a lot of the evidence.

Eve Ensler wrote a very good piece this week in the Huffington Post, just going through the evidence about him.

Well, if you will grab a woman's vagina without being invited,

he did have tic tacs.

Tic tacs.

That was.

I see that he didn't mean to federate.

Let me just say, for people who may be watching and thinking all celebrities act this way, we don't.

We don't.

I've been single my whole life.

I've never treated a woman anywhere near like this, always with the utmost of respect.

I'm sure you have too.

Okay, so, and I'm gonna ask Mr.

Pitbull the same question.

And

even though he's a pit bull, I'm sure he was always a total gentleman.

Okay, let me, let me, let's go to the

thing that was going to be a giant scandal before this, which is the fact that at the beginning of the week we found out that in 1995, he at 19916 million dollar loss.

You're a billionaire, an actual billionaire.

Real.

Did they teach?

I can't help you to say that.

Good job.

Did they teach losing a billion dollars a year in business school?

Is that

crazy?

So, first of all, when you look at that tax return, it shows he didn't have a billion dollars in cash, right?

You can work backwards from the amount of tax and interest that he earned and all that kind of thing.

So, first, that means if he didn't have it, he didn't have it to lose, so he had to borrow it.

So not only did he lose it, but he lost somebody else's money.

I mean,

how the fuck do you do that?

He's been doing that his whole life.

You got to remember how he lost it.

He lost it bankrupt in three casinos.

I mean, that's a rigged deal.

You're not supposed to.

No, no, no, no.

That's not how he did it, right?

No, he actually, no, he actually took the loans that he got from somebody else for we don't know what, sold those loans because he had personal guarantees, sold them to the shareholders of those casinos.

So not only did he fuck the people he borrowed the $915 or a billion dollars from, he then fucked the casino shareholders who are little guys who are just trying to own a stock and make some money.

So he got double the fund.

But don't you think this reveal's a kind of deeper systemic problem as well, right?

And he's an idiot.

That's definitely the case.

The reason he can do this is because we have a tax code that was written by lobbyists for rich people.

No, no, no, no, no.

That is a fact.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me get that out.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, John.

No way, that's not true.

That's definitely true.

We don't have a tax code that was written for rich people.

I know you're a bad non-evil.

Let me just have, but let's just deal with it.

No, I'm not defending him at all, but let me just say, I've taken net operating losses forward, right?

I've used that opportunity.

But let me tell you where I did it.

I made an investment in companies that just didn't work out.

And if you get rid of being able to carry forward a net operating loss, you're going to have people who would have taken chances that might not take those risks.

And so while some of my companies didn't work, unlike Donald Trump, I have had more than 100 that have created more than 300 millionaires and have created a ton of jobs.

So there is a value to it, but the way they did it for the tech, for the real estate, but that part was.

How about the fact that his

Giuliani and Chris Christie,

his

Goebbels and Gore.

Are you kidding?

Giuliani's daughter's a Hillary.

Yes, she's for Hillary.

We're all over TV saying he's a genius.

I find that so interesting because in 2012 when Mitt Romney was running and it was all about the takers, the people who don't pay any income tax, evil takers.

Now, when you don't pay any income tax, you're a genius.

How they switched that around in four years is pretty amazing.

And if you want to know that, and do an experiment with that, take any one of Donald Trump's businesses and take away all the things that everyone in this audience paid for with tax so he can't have the garbage collected.

He can't have nothing can be delivered on roads.

No one who works for a public school can go.

All the military he wants, all the new programs.

The whole thing would collapse in a second.

You can't do it without a tax base, and he hasn't contributed a damn penny to it.

Yes, sir.

No, no, I mean,

I couldn't agree more.

And here you get Rude Giuliani, we were saying his daughter wasn't for him, the son refused to endorse me.

He run.

You got Chris Christie, who's some kind of a robot for Trump.

And

this is all gone.

It's all collapsing around him.

He's

not a robot.

He doesn't make a companion animal.

Especially in the middle of the morning.

But here's.

Here's what they said.

Here's what the Trump campaign said on the tax issue.

Mr.

Trump is a highly skilled businessman.

Doubtful.

No.

Who has a fiduciary responsibility to his family, his business, and his employees.

This is the same argument

every corporation,

same argument they use when they poison a river or move a factory overseas.

Hey, please, mic drop.

We did it for our family.

We did it for our stockholders.

We have to act like a sociopath because we have stockholders.

And Donald Trump has been going around the country for a year talking about how Ford do assholes, you move jobs overseas.

Can't Ford make the same argument?

What about them?

We got to feed our families.

We got to do our stockholders, right?

Well, Ford's actually running a company, trying to make money, adding jobs, you know, creating a product.

Actually, Trump isn't nothing for us.

Trump is at their face when they do things to others.

But just to be fair to Ford, because I drive a Ford F-150, the CEO said they were actually adding jobs in America.

No, he did.

It's a real good job.

Don't you especially love the argument when he says, well, I'm the guy to fix this because I'm the one who worked the system.

It's like, where else do we apply logic?

Do we say, I don't know, Bill Cosby should be put in charge of the rape squad?

Because, well, he's in charge of the rape.

That's absurd.

Well, there's never.

I do use Charles Manson Home Security.

It is very, very good.

But, you know, usually people who are good at business, like Warren Buffett, I've never heard him lose money.

Look, when he invests in something, you're like, wow, he's investing in railroads.

And then you read a week later, oh, the railroads are doing well.

Here's all you need to know about Donald Trump.

He's not a good businessman.

He's horrible.

Here's how you know, right?

Has there been anybody who's come forth and said, Donald Trump was a great mentor to me.

I learned so much.

It helped me build my business.

Has there been anybody who's

of course he'd say that?

Well, has there been anybody who's come forward and said, you know what?

I invested in Donald's business and I made so much money.

Has there been anybody who came forward and said, Donald Trump invested in my business and he helped me make, no, right?

All you see is he took this, he stiffed me, he sucks.

I mean,

he's horrible at everything.

He hasn't been successful at anything.

Okay, so

speaking of Donald Trump, and hopefully next year we won't anymore.

You know, we started a segment on this show a couple of years ago called, I don't know it for a fact.

I just know it's true.

You know, it was those things where, like, I can't really prove it.

I just know it's true.

And I realized this is whole, this is Donald Trump's whole campaign.

But we claim this first.

So we're going to do it one more time this year.

Would you like to hear it?

It's...

I don't know it for a fact.

I just know it's true.

For example, I don't know for a fact that Jack-o'-lanterns always have better teeth than Rudy Giuliani.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that when these pastors laid their hands on Trump, they were thinking, can you catch herpes through a suit?

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that the guys who tied up, gagged, and robbed Kim Kardashian actually brought the gag for Kanye.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that after an orgasm, Tim Kaine says, says, okey-dokie.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that after an orgasm, Mike Pence says, or

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that doctor's offices pick the employee with the thickest accent to come out into the waiting room and announce the next patient.

She doesn't look like she has an excellent.

I don't know for a fact that Gary Johnson has Gary Johnson tattooed on his arm

in case he can't name himself.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that my Uber driver's name isn't really Kevin.

I just know it's true.

I don't know for a fact that Trump's Taco Bowl is 38% spit.

I just know it's true.

All right, he is a Grammy Award-winning musician whose founder charter schools in his native Miami.

His name is Armando Christian Perez, but you know him as Pitbull.

Hey, sir.

What a great pleasure, yes.

Thank you.

Hello, bro.

How you doing?

Mark, good to see you, Boston.

Good to see you, Boss.

That's a

joy.

Look at that.

that.

No one ever did that on our show, and everyone probably should.

You're very polite.

Right.

Right, exactly.

There are people sitting there.

It's called GP, General Principles.

General Principles.

That's right.

And I'm going to call you Armando, right?

Are you switching to that name now?

Like Larac gave up that, now he's Dwayne?

No, not at all, but you can call me Armando.

I don't know if this is your cup of mine, but I appreciate it.

No, that's yours.

All right, cool.

Unless it tastes like gin, and that's fine.

Hold on hold on.

Definitely yours.

But listen, I'm a fan of yours.

I think we have a lot in common.

I appreciate it.

I'm a big fan of mine.

Well let me tell you it's definitely an honor to be here.

Well I appreciate it.

I'm a big fan not only of real time I'm also a big fan of vice and everything that you guys got going on.

I'm always trying to

keep myself informed of what's going on.

Absolutely, and you do and I think we what else we have in common?

I used to be a drug dealer.

You used to be a drug dealer.

What?

It's a kind of a gateway to show business.

Well, let me tell you, hey.

I was a drug dealer.

Jay-Z was a drug dealer.

A lot of great people were drug dealers.

I think it's called, you know, especially with Mark Cuban here, it's called entrepreneurship.

Yeah.

We have two Cubans here now.

Yeah, we have two Cubans, yeah.

And the thing is, it's funny because now they deal all the drugs except the commercial tells you what it can do to you, and then everything is going to do bad to you, which is about a minute and a half of the commercial.

And I'm going, wow, imagine that in the streets like, hey, here's this cold kiss, this crack.

It's going to get you high for five minutes, but it's going to fuck up your whole family.

You're going to rob from everybody.

It's going to fuck up your community, and they're still going to do it's amazing.

Wow.

And now they just do it and it's approved.

God bless them.

Excellent anti-drug.

You are true.

This is your brain, and this is your brain on drugs.

Right.

And thank you to Nancy Reagan.

What did she say?

Or just say no?

Just say no.

That's it.

And we all know she said yes.

I don't know what that means, but you're laughing.

Your laughter is infectious, Mr.

Pitbull.

So listen, you are Mr.

Worldwide.

That's so.

That is true.

And I, you know, you say that in your record international love, which I love.

You have some great records.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Give me everything.

Great records.

You want me to give you everything right now?

No, no, the song.

I mean, you're recording.

You're getting sane.

I don't know what you're saying.

I'm not too good on gin.

I'm just letting you know I might get a little loose.

But you say, you know, you've been all over the world and you say, like, I go to these places.

I can't pronounce the name.

I know.

That's the truth.

I could do that for you.

Okay.

See, that's what I know these places.

Name any place in the world.

I can tell you about it.

Where have you been that was confusing to you?

Oh, man.

A lot of places, to be honest with you.

A lot of places.

That's what I'm saying.

I don't even remember them.

You're like Gary Johnson of

Florida.

No,

I'm almost like Penns trying to figure out if he really wants to be with Trump.

He's trying to figure figure it out.

Okay, all right.

We'll move on from that.

But

let's talk about something closer to home because your heart must be with Florida right now, your home state.

Luckily, they seem to have not been getting the brunt of the flood as the poor people in Haiti did.

That was awful what happened there.

But Florida...

Kind of an interesting place for Cubans these days because for years...

What?

Yeah.

No, because for years, I mean, they were pretty solidly in the Republican column because of Castro and all that.

And now things are changing.

Your generation, I think, is moving away from that.

Is that true?

Absolutely the truth.

The way that I look at it also is that I think that when you looked at what happened with Elian Gonzalez

in the late 90s and Janet Reno came through, she snatched it up, or snatched up Elian Gonzalez during the Clinton administration algorithm running against Bush.

And you see that, guys, if you ever seen the best robbery in the history of the United States of America, look at the 2000 presidential election.

Yes.

It was very interesting.

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Absolutely.

So

when you look at networks that were running off, they would say, oh, well, Al Gore is

the president of the United States.

And they were running and they were running and they're running.

And then all of a sudden, it's like, oh, I think we need to recount these ballots.

It's like, wow.

And then it ended up in Dade County.

Dade County

meaning Miami.

That's right.

You know, 305, that's me.

Mr.

305.

That, baby, you already know what it is.

But I think that had a...

Grab my pussy.

Come on.

Come on.

Ain't that worldwide?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If he only wished, he could grab pussy and get it.

But I don't order it.

No, no, and I was going to say, like I was saying before in the panel, you may have missed it, you were probably backstage, but

celebrities don't don't act that way in no way, shape, or form.

Right.

I bet you were always a gentleman.

And I know you say you're single, bilingual, and ready to mingle.

Always.

Always.

And you have children?

You have many children?

I have children.

And I don't have that, you know, to me, I'm always far from a celebrity.

I think that anybody here, yes, we're in the public eye, but I feel like I'm more of a hard worker.

I'm someone that...

You're a hardworking celebrity.

You're a total celebrity.

You're a pit bull.

No, but

the thing is with celebrity this day and age,

they live through different means.

Me personally, I don't live through the social media.

I don't live to sell my soul.

I would say I live more to send off a message.

Guys, I'm a prime example of what it is to focus, to work hard, I'm here to motivate, inspire, and show you guys that there's no, thank you.

By the way, now please say that, Mark, is

I know I really look at it like everybody looking for instant gratification.

They're looking for shortcuts.

They're looking for like this magic bullet, and it just doesn't exist.

And that's what these celebrities try to do, and that's where Trump talks about, oh, okay, all I do is grab a pussy because I'm a celebrity.

I'm going to get some pussy.

Bullshit.

And even if you got some pussy, you probably came quick.

I, sir, I, you know, I.

I had a bad image of put-bills before tonight, but I may get a put-bill myself.

They're a very misunderstood animal, right?

Isn't that why you took that name, put-bill?

Because they're misunderstood.

Misunderstood?

Right.

They're very nice like you.

You just don't want to upset them.

You don't want to switch.

You don't want that switch now.

You know, we bite, we lock, we don't understand what Lose is and what he wants.

When that happened to you, you have to.

You fight to the death.

You're such a nice guy, but if I turned the switch, you'd fight me to the death.

Let me give him some more of this Gin and Me Bill, and I'll tell you right now, you don't want to see it.

All right, one thing I love about you, and I'm going to turn this back to the panel about this.

You have your new album.

It's going to be called Global Warming, right?

Well, no, the new album is called Climate Change.

And the old one was called Globalization.

Global Warming and Globalization.

That's awesome that somebody in your position is bringing light to that.

I remember way back, you may not remember this, Marvin Gaye, remember him?

Remember the song, Mercy, Mercy, Mercy, Ecology?

1970, this guy was on that shit.

Brilliant stuff.

I commend you for doing that.

Thank you.

Now, what's going on in Florida, okay, listen to this.

People who run Florida, the Department of Environmental Protection, who run that part of the state, are not allowed to mention global warming, not allowed to mention climate change.

This came down, Governor Rick Scott denies it's coming from him, but who else could it come from?

This is the state probably most in the path of global warming, as we see today.

The storm is bad because the ocean is warmer.

This is obviously tied to climate change.

There's no doubt about it anymore.

And these people in this state, the state most

should be worried about this, are denying it.

It's just

funny you say it because I was watching.

watching.

I was watching something.

If we're going to call it real time, now it's the Pit Bull Show.

But look, no, real talk is this.

I was watching him having the conversation, and it's funny how they would,

I wouldn't say exaggerate about things, exaggerate about things that were going on, but he would say, it's a catastrophic category four.

Mind you, 1992, Andrew hit in Florida.

This is the hottest year ever recorded since human beings.

Next year, and it's only going to get hotter.

And it's only going to get everyone.

And it's the 15th month in a row.

Yeah, that's warmer.

It's the hottest month ever.

I think it's so important that what you're doing, you know, I've been to so many places in the world that already.

One thing we keep doing is we keep saying, oh, when we worry about global warming, we say, think about your children and grandchildren.

I start saying, fuck that, worry about yourself, right?

I've been to so many parts of the world.

Bangladesh, for example, lowest-lying country in the world.

They are moving people

and they're migrating over to India, which I've seen also.

And actually, I've seen it on Vietnam.

And Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones said the government is making the hurricane up.

The government controls the thermometers.

Don't you know that

Trump said it was a hoax and he's in migration over time.

You're exaggerating that.

I want to read that.

Those palm trees falling over were not real.

Because I have just

about up to here.

I have zero tolerance for false equivalency anymore and people who don't know about Hillary because her emails might kill us.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Here's what Hillary said about climate change.

Climate change is the most consequential, urgent, sweeping collection of challenges we face as a nation and a world.

I agree 150.

Thank you.

Here's what Donald Trump said.

It's a hoax by the Chinese.

But you're the same people he's saying.

I don't need to know anything more about this.

You just got to walk outside.

I mean, you don't have to be a genius just to open the door.

Oh, it's hot as fuck.

Let's go back in.

Correct.

But they can measure this shit.

They throw a snowball.

I'm putting up a guy Burton, 1.6 billion data points, and they got a snowball to say, well, we have snow.

But they're telling you,

it's not just Trump that says it's a hoax.

It's a whole

infrastructure.

But still, there's a big worry, I think, as well.

So there's going to be a lot of people who I think I have a bit more sympathy than you have legitimate criticisms of Hillary Clinton who are thinking about voting green because they live in safe states.

And I think it's really worth warning them that there's a real risk in this election that Donald Trump could win the popular vote but lose the Electoral College, just like Al Gore did, right?

If he does that, he won't do what Al Gore did.

He won't let me spoke about

it.

He won't go ahead and make a documentary about the election.

Well, most of his supporters, 65 percent, say the election will be rigged if he loses.

By the way, you know what a rigged election is?

The governor of Florida, Rick Scott, said today, a lot of people don't have power in this date.

The deadline for registering to vote is a couple of days hence.

He's not going to advance it.

Because, of course, Republicans only cheat to win elections.

You should be able to register right up to the day of the election.

It's what Naomi Klein said about the shock doctrine.

They

raised disasters to advance their agenda.

Right.

But wait a minute.

The whole Gary Johnson thing.

You know, this guy, I'm just telling y'all,

dope doesn't hurt anybody.

He smoked a lot of dope, and he doesn't know a lot.

You saw that heavy dope music don't have some downtied to it.

Now, James, I'm just saying.

You're going to get the pit bull in me.

I'm not saying causation correlation, but it is a fact that he smokes a lot of dope.

It is a fact he don't know jack shit.

If I may,

you would have to go to the first day of any logic course to know that's some fucking bullshit that you said.

You know that's not.

I think it is.

You're being facetious.

I just wanted to give you a question.

say to there is it there I'm not saying the two are connected.

I'm just saying.

Say that.

James, say it.

James, it's super dangerous to say that in California at the moment, they're about to have a historic vote on whether to legalize cannabis, which will really resonate across the world if they do that.

And it's really important to say that.

You know,

I'm a solid

talk.

You know, I take a joke.

Gary Johnson is a joke.

It's a big, huge joke.

Okay, I want

a real joke.

Let's say one more thing about this hurricane hurricane there.

FEMA, right?

You don't hear about FEMA anymore.

Back in 2005, it was a big deal because they fucked it up.

Because George Bush appointed his college roommate or something.

The reason you don't hear about it anymore is because Democrats appoint people who do the job.

By the way,

the guy that does it

is a guy named Craig Thugate, who was Bush's FEMA guy when they had five hurricanes in Florida in 2004.

He was put in there because, just like James Lee Witt, who claims there, is a professional disaster guy.

Right.

And that's like a good idea.

He doesn't run the Arabian horse show.

That's why you don't run.

You don't.

When they had the floods and bad rouge, they were totally competent,

unbelievably competent, and that's what you want.

You want the female director to be like the umpire.

Is Mary Madeline an independent now?

I let Mary Madeline speak for Mary Madeline.

I read that, that she's an independent.

I think what is a fact that she'll change her registration to libertarian.

James,

it's been 25 years, but you're slowly winning the battle.

All right.

It's time for new rules, everybody.

New rules.

All right.

New rule, conservatives who wear t-shirts that say things like, bend over, here comes your stage.

Bend over, America, this is going to hurt.

And bend over, here comes Uncle Obama.

Have to see a professional about their desire to be anally penetrated by a powerful black man.

As for the guys who wear the bend over, here comes Hillary shirt, whatever.

New rule, now that Playboy has eliminated pictures of naked women and this month features a fully clothed Muslim woman wearing a hijab, they must be congratulated for finally giving readers what they want.

I can't tell you how many times as an adolescent leafing through Playboy, I'd say to myself, this is good.

This is very good.

But you know what would make it even better?

More clothing and religious overtones.

New role, Jane Allen, the Georgia grade school teacher who was fired after posting on Facebook that Michelle Obama is a, quote, gorilla who needs a makeover,

needs to buy a mirror.

Wow.

I'm sure they sell them at the 99 cent store where she bought that dress.

And the hacksaw she used to cut her hair.

I know it's not nice to make fun of someone's looks.

I'm just trying to teach Jane Allen a lesson.

Besides, she's really ugly.

New rule, if you're in the market for a motorcycle with saddlebags, a windscreen, a sidecar, a trunk, and a trailer, buy a car.

This doesn't say easy rider, it says homeless hoarder.

New rule, Taco Bell doesn't need a makeover to honor its Mexican heritage.

I don't go to Taco Bell for ambiance.

I go because it's the only place I can get a colonic for a dollar.

Oh, my goodness.

And finally, new rule in the next debate when Donald Trump starts going on about how everything in this country is a total disaster, Hillary must lean into the mic and say, wrong.

Now,

Donald Trump's campaign.

Why it now?

We're into the end now.

Donald Trump's campaign is built, of course, on many fallacies, but the one we really need to debunk is that America is in such a desperate place that a wild card like Trump is worth the risk.

Trump fans talk like they live in a western town where the banditos are so out of control, only a maverick gunslinger can save them.

A man with no tax code.

The fastest tweet in the West covered in man's hand.

Not really worth that, was it?

So, please.

I don't need your pity.

Wait, wait, I may need your pity.

But I give Donald Trump supporters a little credit.

They know he's an asshole.

It is hard to hide.

They just don't care.

They'll admit, yes, he's dangerous and thin-skinned and unhinged and clinically insane.

and an egomaniac, a compulsive liar, a charlatan with the impulse control of a grease fire.

But we have to take the risks because America is hanging by a thread.

How do we know it is?

Donald Trump told me.

The situation is worse than it has ever been before.

The generals have been reduced to rubble.

Our country is going to hell.

Our infrastructure is going to hell.

African Americans, Hispanics are living in hell.

You walk down the street, you get shot.

The American dream

is dead.

It's insane.

I mean, one of the popular memes on the right these days, I'm not kidding, is that this election is, they're calling it the Flight 93 election.

As in the plane on 9-11 that crashed in Pennsylvania after the passengers rushed the cockpit.

In other words, things have gotten so bad, it's time to rush America's cockpit.

As the creator of the metaphor put it, you may not make it into the cockpit, but if you don't try, death is certain.

Really?

President Hillary equals certain death?

What do they think she's going to do?

Pour lead in the water supply?

Oh, wait, that was the Republicans in Michigan.

So there's that view and then there's the facts.

Remember them?

Facts.

So old school, aren't they?

But they tell us the country is actually in pretty good shape.

Violent crime at its lowest since 1970.

The military better funded than ever.

Trump says our health care is a horror show.

But more Americans have insurance than ever.

Fewer are smoking.

Cancer is down.

Teen pregnancy is down.

Alcohol abuse is down.

Somehow Dick Cheney is still alive.

Eight years ago, we were losing 800,000 jobs a month.

Now we've added 14 million.

The stock market went from under 7,000 to over 18.

Consumer sentiment is as high as it was in the 80s under St.

Reagan.

The economy today is actually better than the one Mitt Romney promised in 2012 when he said he would get unemployment under six.

Trump says, you have great economists that will tell you the unemployment rate is 30, 32.

No,

every economist knows it's five because they get their their numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, not from the Department of I'm Hearing.

If Mitt Romney were running on this economy, the people with the Make America great hats would have re-elect Romney stickers on their rascal scooters.

But the president isn't a white man with an R next to his name, so it's flight 93.

You know, I've read so much crap about how Trump voters are hurting, and we should respect their anger and their pain.

It's a myth that the media swallowed whole.

The average Trump primary voter makes $72,000 a year.

No more likely to be hurt by immigration or trade or to be out of work.

Donald Trump doesn't really have solutions, and his supporters don't really have problems.

The only thing poor about them is their judgment.

They're hysterics, and they think President Tupac spent eight years

spent eight years turning the American dream into nightmare on Black Street and Hillary's.

And Hillary's going to finish the job.

The reason why Trump is so popular with a certain type of voter is because they're kindred spirits, these white men sitting at the end of the bar nursing a gin and tonic because their dick doesn't work anymore.

And life didn't pan out the way they wanted, so they sit there crabbing about how the system's rigged against them and America's not winning anymore and we're getting pushed around by everybody.

China and Mexico and women and blacks who have so many advantages over white people.

At the convention, Trump said, I am your voice.

For once, he wasn't lying.

He is your voice because you're a whiny little bitch.

Thank you.

At first show, I'll be at the Blaze Bell in Honolulu New Year's Eve and at the Maori Arts Center New Year's Day.

I want to thank Johan Harry, Mark Hubman, James Carville, Pit Bull, and Al Franken.

I appreciate you so much, man.

I love your records.

I wasn't kidding.

All those tunes I was trying to drill off were real driving.

Watch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10.

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