Bonus Bill (Originally aired 07/15/16)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

All right, I am very impressed you're so enthusiastic, considering most of you are lured here by Pokemon Go.

The only upside is that the adults, I call them them that,

with license, wandering around the streets looking down at their phones are more likely to be hit by a bus.

So that's the good news.

Did you see, he made a great speech this week, and

he said, you know, America, not as divided as we seem.

And I swear to God, Trump immediately tweeted back, we are a divided nation.

And I should know, I divided it.

Finally, a president who can bring this country apart.

But hey, this is his week coming up.

The convention is starting.

Everybody, all they're talking about on the news today is who's he going to pick for his running mate?

They say it's between this guy, Mike Pence, the governor of Indiana, and the robot that shot the Dallas shooter.

Those are the two.

But

are you ready for the big Republican convention starting on Monday?

This is the place to be.

Cleveland, the convention.

This is the place to be for everyone who thinks with their fists and reasons with their nuts and breathes with their mouth.

Of course, this is a little different as far as conventions go.

The Republican convention will be missing on purpose both living presidents who could go but chose not to, the last two nominees of the Republican Party who could go but chose not to, and the governor of the state where the convention is being held does not want to go.

And we all pretend this is normal.

It's like if you bought a car and before you started it, everyone in the dealership hid under their desks.

They said

night one of the convention is going to be all about Benghazi and people who have been murdered by illegal immigrants and Melanio

because a lynch mob needs some eye candy.

Melania won't be speaking.

Trump wants her to walk up and down wearing a bathing suit

and a sash that says First Lady.

So that's

no, I'm kidding.

She will be speaking.

She's making a very moving speech about the day she got Trump's letter from the Mail Order Bride Company.

And

she

immediately put down the possum she was cleaning and

borrowed a pair of shoes from the village elders and hopped on the giant flying bird.

And the rest is history, ladies and gentlemen.

So that's night one.

Night two of the convention will be the crocodile from Disney World and William Shatner's heir.

No, I'm kidding.

Night two will be Scott Walker.

Scott Walker, yeah, the governor of Wisconsin and Tiffany Trump.

The people who are doing the closed caption stuff can just write duh and go home.

Because this.

Yes, the Republicans, the party of idea.

Night three.

Oh, this is going to be very exciting.

It's Ronald Reagan Seance Night.

So that's.

No, actually, the lineup is Newt Gingrich, Ted Cruz, and Eric Trump.

And Rachel Maddox saw this and said, You're working too hard.

I'm already a lesbian.

Thank you very much.

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