Bonus Bill (Originally aired 04/08/16)

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0, your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All pleased.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

What a crowd for a Thursday and a rainy Thursday.

I can't believe they're so good.

And Obama's in town, which fucks up traffic and is still here.

Yeah, his 40th visit in Los Angeles.

That's a lot of times to come to.

Maybe he does too many TV shows.

You know,

they asked the official reason why he came.

The White House said pilot season.

I don't know if this stuff's ridiculous.

But

anyone here in the Stop Trump movement?

Because that had a very big week.

Yes.

You know, Trump did not like losing.

He didn't like it so much he went silent on Twitter the whole night.

This never happens.

People were really worried about him.

The next morning, they had to show him a picture of Rosie O'Donnell to get him back.

Oh, yes.

Fuck you, pig.

Get him back on the horse.

But apparently the Trump campaign is in disarray, they say, firing people, hiring new people, get delegate counting all fucked up for them.

But it does look like we are heading in the Republican side toward a contested Republican convention, or as I call it, there will be blood too.

I'm just saying the Republican base is very into professional wrestling, and a convention has a lot of folding chairs, so do the math.

Now, on the Democratic side, wow, Bernie Sanders,

Yes.

He also won big in Wisconsin, and he has won seven of the last eight primaries.

Pundits say a few more wins, there is a real chance they might mention him on TV.

This guy, what does he have to do?

Of course, the Clinton campaign, getting a little nervous, they said, hey, everyone will come to see how unelectable Bernie is just as soon as people stop electing him.

Now there was a little bit of a scandal again, just like we had in Arizona, which is long lines at the polling booths.

We're a third world country now.

People can't even do the voting, let alone get the answer right.

But yeah, long lines, hours and hours.

Some of Bernie's millennial supporters were waiting so long by the time they got in the booth, they were elderly Hillary supporters.

So the campaign now was moved to New York State.

This should be a lot of fun.

New York State.

And, you know, because Hillary, Chief Representative New York State, Bernie is from Brooklyn, obviously.

You can still hear it in his voice.

And he's got a message that's really working there in New York.

Bernie says, you know, that giant rat who had the big slice of pizza in his mouth?

He should share that with the other 99% of the rats.

That's

one we won't be doing tomorrow.

We like to throw in just a seed, just to

test ourselves.

And of course the other scandal that came to light this week, the Panama Papers.

Did you see that?

Panama Papers.

I used to use them.

Now I vape.

But

that's not at all.

Not at all what the Panama Papers are.

This is the country of Panama, and it was revealed that there is a gigantic network of millionaires hiding their money in tax avoidance schemes there.

But interesting, no Americans implicated so far.

That's right.

Our rich people do not evade taxes by investing in shell corporations.

They do it by investing in Republicans.

All right, thank you very much.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.