Bonus Bill (Originally aired 6/26/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

All right.

I think liberals are happy this week, right?

It was a pretty good week for liberals.

Obamacare won at the Supreme Court.

The Confederate flags are coming down, and Trump is still Donald Trump is still running for president.

Yes, people who need health care, huge, big victory today at the Supreme Court, and this was just a huge relief for millions.

And when I say a relief for millions, I mean the Republicans running for president because

they didn't want that to go.

But

yeah, no.

Millions are not running for president, but by a month from now, there will be 16.

I'm not kidding.

Chris Christie's getting in a week from Tuesday, or next Tuesday.

Today Bobby Jindal, who's polling, announced he is running for president.

He's polling at 0.7%

and that's just because the pollster made a mistake and called his mother-in-law.

And Donald Trump has shot up to second in the polls.

When Bobby Jindal heard that, he sent out an email and said, did I forget to mention in my speech that Mexicans are rapists?

Because I...

Because Trump said that.

I didn't say that.

Trump said that.

But no, you know, Bobby Gentle, I don't know if you know what he looks like, but you just don't look at him and go, that man is going to be president.

You look at him and go, that boy is going to win the national spelling beast.

Bobby, this is great.

You know, we're breaking barriers.

First American, not American Indian.

That would be different.

Indian American.

He was raised Hindu but converted to Catholicism in high school and really got into it because when he was in college, this is not a lie, he performed an exorcism.

Really?

It's so embarrassing to be an American sometimes.

Isn't it an exorcism?

What's next?

Repealing Obamacare with voodoo?

But it's amazing the way these guys can be such failures and then think they can run for president.

Louisiana is 44th in public education, 48th in health care.

Their dental plan is don't smile.

Bobby Jindal has a popularity rating in Louisiana of 32%, which is 10% less than Obama.

He's less running for president and more fleeing Louisiana.

The people chanting, run, Bobby, run, are chasing him.

His slogan slogan is, well, I can't stay here.

But he's owning that Indian thing.

His real slogan is, Bobby Jindal, how can I provide you excellent customer service today?

But of course, the big story this week, Southerners made a startling discovery that the Confederate flag is racist.

And started in South Carolina.

Governor Nikki Haley said the flag will be taken down and then disposed of in a very special episode of Porn Stars.

But the Confederate flag is still flying there in South Carolina because

they need to pass a law to remove it.

What is it, a fetus?

Jesus Christ.

So they said they're going to take it down when they passed the law and then replace it with the more appropriate symbol, symbol, a man with a giant chip on his shoulder.

No, but you know, all these Confederate flag products are being ripped off the shelves everywhere.

And I don't know if people are thinking of the economic effect here.

This could reshape the mud flap industry.

If we start removing everything that reminds us of slave owners, we'd lose the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial, Madison Avenue.

On the bright side, we might get rid of the Bible.

A mixed reaction from the not totally atheist crowd here.

I have never seen people flip-flop on an issue this fast.

Two weeks ago it was part of our proud heritage.

Now everybody's like, no, fuck that.

Even the Westboro Baptist church people are holding up signs that say God hates flags.

No one wants to get caught on the wrong side of this issue.

Nabisco says they're going to stop making crackers.

I mean wow.

Even Alabama and Mississippi.

Alabama and Mississippi are saying it is time to move on and embrace a more inclusive future.

But they added, if if you think we're going to bake a gay wedding cake, you're out of your fucking mind.

All right, thank you very much.

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