Episode #353 (Originally aired 5/8/15)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Night Series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Start the clock.

Good afternoon.

After noon, time will be

real time.

Thank you very much.

Hey, we got a good show.

Please, please,

folks,

Billy Crystal is late for the Clippers game.

We've got to get this show going.

Okay.

Let's get to the news right quickly.

Unemployment is down to its lowest level in seven years.

5.4%, ladies and gentlemen.

Pretty exciting stuff.

Of course, wait, there are still fields where there are hundreds of desperate people after the same job.

Like Republican nominee for president.

That would be one of them.

Yes, three new entrants in the week, this week, from the Republican side.

All gems.

Carly Fiorina is running for president.

Now, cynics, not me, cynics

say she's just in there because the Republicans need a woman, and it's either her or Lindsey Graham.

I don't agree with that.

Then there's Dr.

Ben Carson.

Dr.

Ben Carson.

Dr.

Ben, a

pediatric neurosurgeon.

The pundits say his unique insight into the child's brain makes him a perfect fit for the Fox News crowd.

So that's,

he's in there.

And then.

And then our friend, he was here recently, right, in that chair, Mike Huckabee.

Mike Huckabee, the former evangelical preacher, ran in 2008, did quite well.

But, you know, he says this is not the old Huckabee.

No, No, this is the new Mike Huckabee.

He's now handling snakes virtually.

It's.

No, I like Mike.

I like Mike.

But Mike does believe that we are living in biblical end times.

Take that hope.

Hope and change meet death and destruction.

Yeah, he believes in end times.

Ted Cruz proves it.

But speaking of end times, what a...

Oh, well, thank you.

Apropos, a very little, but I appreciate it.

Did you see what happened in Texas this week?

What could have been a horrible massacre was averted.

Someone down there had the bright idea to have a Draw a Muhammad cartoon contest.

And predictably, two ISIS-inspired gentlemen walked in with assault rifles and were going to to kill everybody.

And a very smart cop with a good aim dropped them.

And that is pretty big news.

It's not every day a cop shoots a black guy who's actually armed.

So.

But good for that cop, really.

Also, this was the first Texas gunfight ever to begin with the words, don't draw.

Don't draw.

But, you know,

I know.

They're very touchy in that religion about how Muhammad, you know, can draw him.

I don't know why.

He's not a bad-looking guy.

I think

if any religion is going to ban pictures of the founder, it should be Scientology.

I mean.

L.

Ron Hubbard looks like the manager of a red lobster.

I don't see that as something that...

Oh, there he is, sir.

But here's something really interesting.

One of the gunmen in this incident grew up in Pakistan.

He's actually from Texas, born there, grew up in Pakistan.

And when he was in Pakistan, this is what's so weird.

He was like a heartthrob in high school.

He was in the school plays.

I'm not kidding.

He did a production of Bye-Bye Birdie in Pakistan.

And other shows.

He was in Seven Brides for One Brother.

Are you familiar with

that one?

And

he was terrific and ain't missed beheading.

You know that one?

It's very good.

But

the FBI said they were aware of him, but they had to let him go because he hadn't done anything really bad, you know, like under-inflate a football.

Talk about dominating the news all week.

Yes, deflate gate.

Football's 9-11.

Thank God, Tom Brady addressed the nation last night from the Oval Office.

No.

No, in an interview, and you know, they kept asking him, you know, about pounds per square inch of air in the football and the exact instructions he gave the equipment manager.

And at one point, Tom looked right in the camera and he said, You know, our team has a tight end who killed a guy, right?

I mean,

the report from the commissioner's office on deflatekate was 243 pages.

Bruce Jenner has given less thought to balls.

And let's

end this monologue tonight with some very good news in Baltimore this week.

No riots, no unrest.

Cooler heads prevail.

Yeah, because

people there said they were inspired when they saw how Mayweather and Pacquio could get along without fighting.

All right, we got a great show.

Alex Wagner, Lincoln Chafee, Will Kainer here.

A little later, Aaron Brockovich will be out.

But first up, he is the comedy legend who now stars on FXTV's The Comedians.

Billy Crystal is over here.

Billy,

thank you for doing this.

Great to see you.

I know what a big night this is for you.

Billy.

That's right.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

I know you've got to go.

Thank you so much for joining.

The game starts in 15 minutes.

I know.

That is.

And the thing about the.

Thursdays at 10, FX.

Good night, everybody.

The thing about the Clippers is that you've been with them from the beginning.

I mean, I remember for years Donald Sterling.

He owned the team.

I'd see him out.

He'd always try to give me tickets.

And I was like, well, he's kind of a creepy guy.

Yeah.

And the Clippers clippers suck.

No.

Yeah.

But you like Don Sterling.

No, I'm kidding.

Boy, I got scared for a second.

What'd you read?

I was there when he sold his plantation and used the money to buy the ticket.

Wow.

That's a long time ago.

You are a comedy veteran.

Yeah, there you go.

No, I was...

Bill, there were some nights, there were so few people in the stands, I could hear everybody's conversation.

Is that true?

You could hear what everybody was talking about.

There'd be promotional nights like Anyone Can Play Night.

But why did you pick this team?

Obviously, you could have gotten great Laker seats.

Boy.

I appreciate your addiction, because it got a little scary there for a second about the Laker seat.

No.

I had.

When I say.

No, no, I had Laker seats for a while.

And then it got to be too much of a scene.

And it was less about the games.

And they were great teams.

And then I got invited to a game and I went and I was able to sit up front.

And that was fantastic.

I played twice.

That was a bonus.

And then I just sort of stayed.

So

it's like a restaurant that gave you free dessert.

Yeah, but it was like, you know, the Brooklyn Dodgers fans used to be, wait till next year.

Right.

We were like, wait till next decade.

It's great about an underdog.

Yeah, no, I really like that.

Yeah, I mean, my Mets are doing good this year, and it's great to see that.

And

you have a piece of the Arizona Diamondback.

We used to be minority owners, and I don't mean Jewish, of

the Arizona Diamondbacks.

But I know you bleed Yankee blue.

Yeah.

That must have been unbelievably hard for you when they played

in the World Series.

It was impossible.

I remember seeing you there.

Yeah, it was impossible.

The first game,

Joe Torrey invited us.

So we sit behind the Yankee dugout, which was like fantastic.

But I look across the field, and all my partners from the Diamondbacks are sitting there going, what the fuck?

What is he?

And then they put me on a Diamond Vision.

I started booing and throwing stuff i mean it was arizona it was you know hostile but dry and

right the forecast there so and then they beat us twice terribly and my wife turned to me and said honey we're beating us

so now

so now we go to yankee stadium for game three which was the crucial game we're down two love

And Clemens is pitching, and Bush is coming to throw out the first pitch.

And nobody wanted him to come.

It wasn't just politics.

We were terrified.

But this is right after 9-11.

Right after 9-11, because a month after 9-11.

But he was popular then.

Yeah, and

Tom Ridge, sort of like Bob's big boy on bad drugs.

Right.

Homeland Security.

Homeland Security.

Was terrifying us every day on television.

Sure.

A biological attack is imminent.

If you want to survive the biological attack, get duct tape.

Duct tape every window, every crevice,

your ass, your balls, whatever it is.

Just tuck tape everything.

And then this piece of advice.

If you're out on the street, look out for anybody who looks suspicious.

Right.

This is New York City.

We all look suspicious.

So now we get to the stadium.

The security is intense.

There's German shepherds, not dogs, actual German shepherds.

It was

efficient on the strain who's command.

And then

coming over the Harlem River are three helicopters, one of which has the president in him, right?

But they start spinning around and doing maneuvers, so it was like three card monte.

You know?

Where's the president?

Where's the president?

You see him now?

You see him now?

Where is he?

Is he this one?

Is it that one?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You want to bet against her?

And then he lands, and we get into the stadium through three metal detectors.

There are gunmen on the roof, which, yeah, a gunman on the roof sounds crazy, no?

But it's like,

but

then we get into the stadium.

You got it?

Okay.

Is this reflecting in your eye?

Yeah, I think it is.

I saw that right before I came in.

Can I push that down?

So now

everyone is really tense.

There are gunmen on the roof, and they introduce the president, and he walks out like John Wayne.

I have to give him credit, walks out to the mound.

Remember that, yeah.

Remember that?

And he holds up that ball,

and terrorists around the world were freaked out.

He's a baseball, he's got the baseball.

What is he going to do with the baseball?

And then

he threw a strike.

Place went crazy.

It was a great moment for him and for the city.

I'm up in Steinbrenner's box as a guest.

Now, I had met the president twice about a month before.

He screened 61 movie I directed for HBO about Marison Mantle.

And he loved the movie and he was,

thank you, thank you, thank you, for HBO.

Yeah.

And so he knew me a little bit.

And he walks into Steinbrenner's box and he sees me.

He just thrown a strike and he goes, Billy C.

How about my fastball?

And I'm thinking, how about finding bin Laden?

And then

it was wild.

So they sit me down, he's sitting behind me, and they sit me with three, well, you go to ballgames, so you want to sit with people who know the game, real beach creatures, and that's who I'm with.

Regis Philbin, Henry Kissinger, and Donald Trump.

It's windy, Trump is flipping out, what am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

And I'm sitting next to Kissinger.

Have you interviewed Henry Kissinger?

No.

He's a fascinating man.

So I said, I hadn't met him before.

And I said, what do I call you?

I call you Henry.

Don't call you Mr.

King.

He said, call me Hank.

That's what I like to be called at the ballpark.

Hank.

It's pretty sweet.

So now, the fourth inning comes, and I appear on Diamond Vision on the scoreboard.

I'd done a public service announcement during that time.

And I'm looking at it, Bill, and I'm telling you, you know, I grew up going to that place.

You know, my first game was in 1956, and I couldn't help.

But look at me now.

I'm sitting here with the owner of the team.

I look down on the seats where we sat all those years ago, and I had a little bit of reverie, which was interrupted by the president, who goes, Billy C's on the big scoreball.

So then

he says, I got to leave.

We got an early meeting.

So he has a meeting.

So I turned to Kissinger and I said, Hank,

did Nixon ever have meetings?

No, he had martinis and called me something anti-Semitic.

So then, the president, Condoleezza Rice was there, Mrs.

Bush, they all leave.

And now, three guys in jumpsuits with drills come down the aisles of the box and

they unscrew the bolts on the wall and they remove the front wall of the box, which we did not know was three-quarter-inch bulletproof steel.

And they removed it as soon as the president left.

So Regis stands up and he goes, Where the fuck are you going?

What about us?

And then

Steinbrenner Steinbrenner handed me a roll of duct tape.

It was the weirdest, it was the weirdest thing.

Billy, my second question.

Yes.

I got carried away.

I'm glad you do.

But I know you have to leave.

I'm going to be here all week, ladies and gentlemen.

Before you do, I haven't seen you since the Emmys, and you did such an amazing job making the tribute to Robin Williams.

I just had to tell you that while I have you here,

and it's been nine months, you know, you've absorbed it more, I'm guessing.

Yeah, it's thoughts now that are different.

This is just so terribly odd, and my closest friend and a huge void, but we had such a wonderful relationship that I look back and it makes me laugh and smile.

We had phone calls, Bill, that went on for hours sometimes that were just absolutely hilarious.

And my one big regret was that we had planned to make an album together of these phone calls.

It was sort of like a Derek and Clive kind of thing, where we could go blue and dark and strange.

So one day, and this will be quick,

I'm watching Ronald Reagan's funeral on television.

Phone rings.

I see it's 415, it's San Francisco.

It's him.

So I go, hello.

This is what I hear.

Hello Bill.

Hi.

This is Ron Reagan.

I just

wanted to tell you that everything's okay in heaven.

I said,

Mr.

President, I'm watching your funeral and you're in the box.

Oh, no, that's not me.

That's my stuntman.

He does everything for me.

Did all the football

in that Gipper movie that I did.

Sir, let me ask you this.

What's heaven like?

People want to know what's it like.

Well, it's a lot hotter than I thought it was going to be.

Oh.

So I said,

hotter, so you may not be in heaven.

Oh, South America, is that where I am?

I said, no.

Sir, listen to me.

If you're passed on and you think you're in heaven, but it's hotter, you may be in the other place.

And he says, oh, that would explain why Nixon's balls were resting on the bridge of my nose.

Well, we don't have him, but we have you to channel him, so that's great.

I know you got to go.

Good luck with the Clippers.

I really appreciate you having me on.

No, no, please.

It's too funny.

Your show.

HBO hates it when we plug an FX show I understand but I have to say I watch it every week and it's killing me oh thank you

Josh Cadd and I have had a great time great cast your good friend Larry Charles is

a lot of episodes no I watch it it's you know you're the older guy he's the younger guy when I watch it I think oh man Josh Cadd he's the asshole and then I think I wonder if people his age are going, no, you're the asshole.

Yeah, but that's what's fun about the show is that there's a wonderful awkwardness about it as we try to make the show together.

And then people don't watch it.

Billy Crystal.

Bill, thank you.

Get to the game.

Good luck.

Billy Crystal.

All right.

Let's meet our panel.

Hey.

Hi, everybody.

All right, he is a CNN and National Review analyst turned ESPN commentator Will Kane.

Hey, Will.

Great to have you back.

How you doing?

He is the former governor of Rhode Island.

Wow.

And who just might run for president as a Democrat, Lincoln Chafee.

Hey, Lincoln.

And she hosts MSNBC's Now with Alex Wagner.

Who else?

Alex Wagner.

All right, remember to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

Send us your questions for night's overtime so we can answer them after the show on YouTube.

Okay, I've got a political panel here.

I'm going to ask a political question.

I mentioned in the monologue, three new Republican entrants into the race.

Added two, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, that's six.

The people who are absolutely, we know, going to get in but haven't declared, Jeb, Bush, Scott Walker, Santorum said it today.

I think he's going to make an announcement in two weeks.

Lindsey Graham said something very similar to it's going to happen.

Then there's Rick Perry, Kasich of Ohio, Bobby Jingle, even Chris Christie could still do it.

They keep saying this is not the clown car.

Remember that?

Now that became became a meme from 2000.

It's a caravan at this point.

But if you have this many, isn't it always a clown car?

Don't this many numbers make it clowny?

Well, I think you've got your clown analogy just slightly off.

It's not the clown car.

Last time it was a cast of clowns, perhaps.

It wasn't a very impressive field up there on the debate stage.

This time it's going to be much different.

Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio.

These are serious guys with serious ideas and will make for very interesting choices.

Are they going to be in the bleachers?

Because how are you going to get them all on one debate stage?

It looks bad.

I don't understand how this is a change.

I'm not into debate logistics.

The Democrats have too few, and the Republicans

are going to change that.

Oh, are we expecting something tonight?

Now, I have always said that elections should be about choices.

And

more choices on the Democratic side than avalanche on the Republican side.

And at the appropriate time.

You are going, at the appropriate time, we're going to give the Democratic voters choices.

How bold.

Okay.

Waiting.

Okay, so you say it's not a clown card.

Ben Carson got in today.

Ben Carson has said today, he said, Obama reminds you of a psychopath.

Now,

when a guy uses the word psychopath about a centrist president,

When a neurosurgeon uses that, no less.

Well, a neurosurgeon who believes the Earth is 6,000 years old.

Wow.

He's what we have in this show called a smart, stupid person.

Yeah, he's incredibly.

How can you.

He's incredibly hard to figure out on that front.

Look, on one hand, he's clearly a smart guy, one of the top neurosurgeons in the world.

On the second hand, he says these admittedly very stupid things.

I tend to think, oh, maybe he just goes for the applause lines.

A lot of politicians do.

But do you want to?

But then he comes out against guns and

for a higher minimum wage, which would not play to Republicans, so he's tough to figure out.

Do you really want someone elected president about whom you can say the phrase admittedly stupid things I mean that just probably shouldn't be no on the CV right no I will say

I

I mean Ben Carson please stay in the race Carly Fiorina please stay in the race as long as possible Ben Carson announced his candidacy with a gospel choir singing Eminem songs.

I have visions of

Eminem.

Yeah, Eminem, lose yourself.

That was in the announcement.

That's why I left the Republican Party.

Really?

You could have a children's choir study.

Because of MM?

All the clowns.

Well, here's something else Ben Carson said a couple of weeks ago.

Now, he did walk this back, but they're asking about the gay issue.

And he said,

well, when you turn gay in prison, he said, so did something happen while they were in there?

Ask yourself that question.

Yeah,

they got it in the ass, is what happened when they were in there.

You know, I don't know if we are past the clown stage yet.

And Mike Huckabee, you know, a guy who believes in end times, and I saw this Wall Street Journal and Miss Emmett,

not NBC poll today.

More Americans now, wow, this blew my mind.

More Americans are comfortable with a gay candidate for president than an evangelical.

So, whereas Mike Huckabee,

That's amazing.

So,

Mike Huckabee might do very well in southern states and in Iowa, but the rest of the country just sees him as a kind of a charming Jesus freak.

It's not going to flow.

A giant, lovable, Beyonce-hating teddy bear?

Yes, he's.

I hate to start the show out agreeing with you so much, Bill, but this is not the gems of the class.

I mean, Carly Fiorina's great claim to fame is that she ran Hewlett-Packard, right?

She reduced employment, reduced the value of of the company, grew the size of the company, grew the debt of the company, which might just qualify her to run the country as well.

But Carly Fiorina also, her political claim to fame, is running the demon sheep ad in

2010, I believe, which is when she had a bunch of humans dress up in sheep's clothing with glowing red eyes, and they were the emissaries for her message.

This is not someone who's political strategy, and I'll use that word because I think it best suits Carly Fiorina,

is like A-plus level.

Okay.

Oh, of all these candidates, though, Mike Huckleby, at least he's run for something and won an election of Carly Fiorina and Dr.

Carson.

Yes,

he's popular with the voters.

He's a good politician.

Before you want to be president, though, shouldn't you run for state senate or governor or mayor or something?

Or win something.

You win something, yes.

Okay.

So

there are two trials going on in America now: the Joe Carr-Sarnayev trial up in Boston and James Egan Holmes.

He is the shooter at the Aurora Movie Theater who ironically dressed up as the Joker.

Okay, my question is, why do they inspire such different reactions?

When it's terrorism, people absolutely freak out.

But when it's just the lunatic with the gun without any religious Islamic dimension to it, it's just nothing to see here.

Step over the blood.

Politicians wouldn't even address the issue.

So, you know, Obama keeps saying we shouldn't even say the phrase Islamic terrorism.

It's just all violent extremism.

If it's not something different, Islamic terrorism, why is it the one thing that makes people shit their pants?

Well, first of all, I would say a lunatic with a gun is a form of terrorism.

It is.

It strikes hard in the

in

not in the public.

But we didn't rip up the Constitution for it.

It'sland terrorism too much, and it's coming down to too much jihad, too much crusade.

We should talk about them as criminals.

And ever since 9-11, terrorism's used, especially anything to do with the Muslim crime rampage.

I think there's a clear distinction between

common criminals

and terrorism.

And that is why we treat these differently, Bill.

By the way, I reject your premise that we don't do anything after James Holmes or after Sandy Hook.

There's an attempt at gun legislation in all of these states following these kind of things, and they inevitably fail.

These gun control laws in Colorado were a miserable failure.

New York, Connecticut, miserable failures.

But the answer is this, it's because terrorism, at least those who profess to be acting on behalf of Islam, represent some larger ideology.

James Holmes represented his own crazy self.

Well, but isn't mental health something we should talk about?

I mean, if this is happening, I just feel like, and you know, I think the media is in...

is in part to blame here.

You know, a young man professing to be a sort of radical jihadist is media catnip in a way that a really disturbed guy with schizophrenia or maybe he's insane as his defense would like to uh have him prosecuted.

I mean, that's just not as quote unquote interesting to us, even though it should be.

I mean, obviously.

Question about why one crime is treated differently is really important for our country and where we're going in the world and what's happening with Muslims around the world and the danger it presents to us here in America and all this jihad.

Now it's coming from within.

These are Americans.

Well, but to your point.

Came up from Phoenix.

And we just have to calm it down, calm all this hatred and differences and these crimes of terrorism.

It's really important to where we're going as a country.

Well,

take this terrorism word and let's start treating them as criminals.

It's in our interest, our long-term interest, I think, as a country.

Well, I agree that we should treat...

terrorism as a police matter and a spy matter, not a matter for the Army.

And I have been saying,

against the arguments of all my conservative conservative friends that we should probably not be engaging ISIS.

You know, it was in the news recently.

It was in the news recently.

I don't think this gets out there very much, but ISIS, probably their leader, is either dead or incapacitated.

Baghdadi.

They've lost most of their territory.

They've lost...

a lot of their money, and they have probably very few hostages left.

So they're not the boogeyman.

But the Republicans want to make it that because they have nothing else to run on.

The unemployment rate is at 5.4%.

I am no hawk, but the way you two have just painted this would deny the entire existence of terrorism as an external threat to this country.

It's weird to me that on one hand, we have arguments that reducing police presences in Baltimore, New York, and Ferguson.

On the next, you're talking about police going into Pakistan?

It's not a police issue.

It's a military issue.

Terrorism, I'm saying this is the best way to tamp it down.

We're only creating more terrorists by bombing ISIS over there.

Let the other Muslim countries take out their own trash.

Let them deal with this shit.

Why do we always have to do it?

Listen,

I wish, I wish the world worked as you just spoke, but it doesn't.

The answer to your question is because they don't handle it.

Because we never give it a chance.

No, it's because they don't handle it.

To your point,

ISIS doesn't know how to run shit.

I mean, if you actually look at what happens when ISIS takes over towns, they don't run water and utilities.

Sure.

There are mass outbreaks of disease.

I mean, that, as much as anything else, is why they're doomed.

I mean, ISIS will not survive as the Islamic Caliphate because they can't run a state.

It really bears recognition.

All right, good point.

Let me interrupt here to say I am going to Europe later this month.

This is very exciting for me.

I've never played European cities.

From the 20th to the 27th of this month, I will be playing London, Amsterdam, Oslo, and Stockholm.

So I've been boning up

Europe.

Yes, check your local listings there.

Because Europe is a great town.

Anybody who's ever been there

knows that.

But one thing I found studying is that they are worried about their birth rates.

Their birth rates are declining.

I think this is great news anywhere because I'm for less population.

But countries tend to get nervous and anxious when they have less people than the other countries.

So they actually are campaigns to get people to fuck.

Look at that, do it for Denmark.

That is a campaign poster that's going on over there.

Look at what it says: Has you been in Romantic Sturger?

I don't have to tell you what that means.

And we found it's going on in some other countries.

Would you like to see the posters in some of the other?

Oh, all right.

Spain, you're at home in bed every afternoon anyway.

Look at that.

That's going to get people to get busy.

France, pretend your wife is your mistress.

Iceland, forget Bjork, put on some Barry White.

Russia, you know how the space station docks?

Holland, there are better things than your finger and better places than a dike.

England, mind the gap.

Germany, Ikbinine be in her.

Ireland, tonight, get just drunk enough to do it.

My people, I can make that.

Greece, try it around the front.

And

Vatican City, pretend she's an altar boy.

All right.

They're not even trying to increase the population in Vatican City.

She's the only American consumer advocate to be played in a movie by Julia Roberts.

Take that, Ralph Nader.

Please welcome Aaron Brockovich.

Hey, Aaron Brockovich.

How you doing?

Great to see you again.

Aren't you lucky?

I have a list of horrible things

that are hurting our health that you get to comment on.

And it just, it gets a little depressing, you know, because 50 years ago, there just weren't this many assaults on our health that we don't even know of.

But there weren't this many chemicals, right?

Aren't there many, many times more chemicals than there used to be?

Yeah, there are, and there's...

many assaults and certain things that are going to create greater problems for us.

I've been busy working on two bills and a lot of people don't know what's going on with these.

One of them is the Toxic Substance Control Act.

And it has...

Before Congress?

Yes, and there's been two bills dropped.

One is a very bad bill.

And most people don't realize we have 84,000 chemicals

on our market today.

That's wow.

That we have no idea what they really do to our health.

200 of them have been studied.

That's it.

In this new Toxic Substance Control Act reform bill,

the EPA has estimated there's 1,000 high priority chemicals that need to be studied.

There's going to take them over a century to do.

So the information that we're going to find out is going to come way too late.

But what is most concerning to us in this bill and the new GMO bill is something that people are very unaware of, and it's called preemption.

Preemption began in 1976 as we were putting new devices onto the market that could actually be experimental and it was giving them some reprieve from any litigation.

This preemption is now across the board and in this new Toxic Substance Control Act and GMO bill they are introducing to preempt states rights, which blows my mind.

Is this because the chemical companies are just too powerful?

Their lobbies, everything is bought off at this point.

Absolutely.

And the preemption

is a a deal changer.

Every consumer will have no rights and every state will have no rights.

I was reading about this new one and you know I think a lot of people have poison fatigue.

It's like everything is poisoning me at a certain point.

They just don't start to listen.

But there is a new one.

We got used to BPA.

I remember that's the plastic, right?

I know people who won't even touch a receipt.

Right.

Like receipts have them in.

I'm like, you know what?

If this is going to kill me, fuck it.

I'm just kidding.

So I know people like at the store, they're like, your receipt?

No.

Yeah.

That shit away from me.

Not reimbursing for that.

Yeah.

So this is PFAS, stands for

perfluoro-alkyl substances.

They're apparently in like pizza boxes.

They're in carpet treatment, shoes, electronics.

DuPont says they're safe, of course.

Of course they do.

And it's going to be even safer once they can preempt everybody and the state's rights, and you can't do anything anyway.

Yeah, and a statement signed by 200 international scientists, health experts, toxologists, epidemiologists said, no, they're not.

We should get rid of these things.

And I just, you know, again, like whether it's the mold or the antibiotic-resistant bugs or this or the plastic, I mean, where do you go?

How do you get people to, because we're not crazy about this, right?

We're not just cuckoo and worried about nothing, right?

This really is.

No, it really is happening.

With GMOs right now and Pompeii, I forget how you pronounce his name, Pompeo Pompeo of Congress from Kansas introduced a safe, yeah, Pompeo, thank you, Safe Food Act, but we've dubbed it the DARC Act, which is denying Americans the right to know.

Most people don't know in the GMO, the herbicides, they are becoming resistant.

And so now there is a super weed.

You're familiar with a superbug.

I sure am.

Boy am I familiar with a super weed.

And if killing me, I don't care.

Now there's a

word.

You have to worry about what they spray on your weed.

You better be worried about what they're spraying on your weed because it's coming to your table.

Oh, geez.

Take me preemption.

I'm worried about the state.

And then it's preempted.

But you know, you're doubly screwed.

I'm also worried about where I'm sitting because I heard that like your couch can get you because the formaldehyde.

No, seriously, that there's shit in the furniture.

It's very difficult.

Even China gets rid of formaldehyde, and we have it in our city.

Even China.

Even China.

Well, it's true.

See, it's true.

It's true.

Well, that's the other thing.

We don't even monitor half that stuff coming in here.

I'm sure you saw the piece that was on 60 Minutes about lumber liquidators.

And we won't have any protection from that either.

It's really important that Americans know

what is actually happening in these bills.

And they are taking away our rights.

I'm very confused why any Republican would want to take away states' rights, because if that's done, you're doing nothing but but creating bigger government and you're now making the EPA, who's basically defunct anyway, even more ineffective.

And nobody will be setting any regulations to oversee all these chemicals.

What does our conservative have to say about the states' rights question she brings up?

I thought they loved states' rights.

That's a buzzword I'm always for.

Right?

Super weak.

Honestly, your biggest challenge is where you started this.

It gives me tired head.

I mean, everything is bad for you.

Honestly, you're worried about where you sit, Bill.

Does that mean you've thought about it once?

You've really worried about your couch?

Well, no, but you know what?

My mattress,

my mattress is now made of...

That's the worst thing on your mattress?

Yeah.

No.

But that's my choice.

By choice.

They're more comfortable.

You know what?

It's that shit that's going to get you.

You may laugh.

No, you don't think so.

Why?

Because things that you can't

hurt you.

You say that's a medieval man.

That's right.

Way to drop box on me.

No, but.

Because you are going, you have a list, a litany that could go across this table of things that could kill me.

After a while, you're just like, take me.

Well, so that, I mean, I feel like if you would advise, I mean, if you're advising people on where to start with advocacy or litigation, where is it and what works?

Well, absolutely.

I mean, there is a litany of things out there that can kill you, but it...

Hair dye.

Oh, absolutely.

Come on.

But people.

Really?

You gotta get real on that, Aaron.

Come on, baby.

You don't need to be worried about that one.

I'm sure there's some shit in that.

That's just good journey.

You're completely throwing me off burn now.

There are eight-year-olds in Stockholm blowing out there like that.

Come on, there's some shit in that.

But hey, you know what?

At least I'm honest.

I got pulled over feeding.

And the cop said to me, what's your hurry, Blondie?

So I was like, how am I going to get out of this?

And I just looked at her and I'm like, it's bleached.

And she goes, anyone that admits that, get out of here.

So please, I'm honest.

There's a point I want to make.

Absolutely, there's a lot of things out there that are going to harm us.

But as a consumer, we have a right to know so we can make a different choice.

So be honest about it and let them know.

That's what I say to them.

I think also your point about being able to sue is important.

This preemption is important.

That's very important.

The company's honest.

The fear of a lawsuit.

I don't want to have a lot of people.

There's no accountability to the company at all.

Speaking of blondes, are you you for Hillary?

You must be ready for Hillary.

No, no, we're the sector president.

They declare it, man.

Come on, this is.

It's early.

It's early.

Tampy getting.

Oh, my God.

This is our complaint about David.

This is what happens when you get to.

No balls.

No, no.

Say it.

Obviously.

I voted against the Iraq War.

I voted against the Bush tax because I voted against a leader for the Supreme Court.

That's balls.

Yeah, it is.

Right.

As a Republican, then.

And what are you going to be doing in six months?

Money for President.

See the way I cadged it out of him.

That's the exploratory face.

Right, okay.

Exploratory face.

Okay.

Well,

but Hillary seems to be

way left of where we thought she would be.

I think all the people like us who were hoping that Elizabeth Warren would get in, and maybe still are, or Lincoln Shafe,

I think Hillary has really, maybe this is her plan, you know, is to make sure that these people have no room to her left because she's pretty good.

First, she said she wanted a constitutional amendment against campaign finance.

Limit that, wow.

Then she spoke out against mass incarceration in our prison industrial complex.

You've got to deal with that.

This week, she hit immigration hard.

She went way beyond Obama.

She said, we've got to have a path to citizenship for the Dreamers and their parents.

Flip-flopped on herself.

That's a flip-flop on herself right there.

She's also...

Marriage equality, talking about marriage equality now, finally.

Right.

She's also gotten her husband to say, whatever I did when I was president on mass incarceration, I'm all for my wife unwinding.

That is a major concession.

Well, things are different.

Yeah, well, but that's, I think, the point is the coalition, the sort of centrist white Democrat coalition that was very much a part of the Clinton era, that has given way to the Obama coalition, which is the national coalition, which is a coalition that wants to see a more humane and just criminal system, that wants to see equity in society in terms of gay rights and gay marriage, that wants to see fair treatment in the workplace.

I mean, these are not, I mean, they're progressive issues, they're also national issues that will play well on the national stage.

Okay, let me ask about what happened in Texas.

I mentioned it in the monologue.

There was a contest down there.

Now, two things that sort of related happened this week.

Penn, that's the writers' group, gave an award to Charlie Edbo for courage because they are very courageous.

I think a lot of them are.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Unfortunately, over 200 writers in Penn objected to that, which is, I think, pretty crazy.

But, okay.

Then down in Texas, this woman, Pamela Geller, who is herself kind of a loon, I'm not a fellow traveler with her, but she's the one who sponsored this Draw Mohammed cartoon contest.

Okay.

Now, it obviously was a provocation, but this is America.

Do we not have the right to draw whatever we want?

Yes, absolutely.

Okay.

Case close.

Right, Lincoln?

Yes, yes.

I'm a civil libertarian all the way, and talk about the rights of the people at Penn not to attend that dinner to award to Charlie Habdo.

That's their right, and that's what we Americans stand up for.

But as I said earlier in the show, this chasm between Muslims and the rest of the world, we need to address it.

It's

tamped down.

But some of the things that

can be a moral equivalent.

We can't control these people from doing their own.

Can I read what Gary Troubot said?

Because

he's on the side of the writers who are protesting giving Charlie Edbo a Courage Award.

He said this a couple of weeks ago.

He said, Charlie Edbo is punching downward by attacking a powerless, disenfranchised minority with crude, vulgar drawings.

Charlie wandered into the realm of hate speech, which in France is only illegal if it directly incites violence.

Wait, well, voila, the seven million copies that were published following the killings did exactly that, triggering violent protests across the Muslim world.

So this assumes that we just have to accept that Muslims are unable to control themselves the way we would ask everyone else in the world.

To me, that's bigotry.

That's the soft bigotry of low expectation.

we don't ask anybody else in the world.

Gary Trudeau is a coward, and the other pen writers

who protested that award are cowards.

That is the best thing you can say about them at this point.

And let me say this.

Free speech should not judge people based on women.

No, that's definitely not the role of free speech.

You judge, you just don't censor.

You don't just have a right to free speech.

When someone's position is, if you offend me, I will kill you, it becomes virtuous for you to offend that person.

You need to offend that person.

You need to shock them out of their horrible position.

Wait, wait, wait.

Listen to your language.

You're talking about hatred.

You're talking about all the harsh language here.

Lincoln guns are taking up

the people who went in to kill people versus we live in a world of nuclear weapons.

You're talking about two different things.

And Pakistan has nuclear weapons.

We need to tamp down the language here.

Yeah, well, okay, the first thing about the Penn Award is, I mean, I think I'm in agreement here.

You test your moral convictions by using the most repugnant examples.

The Westboro Baptist Church has every right to be doing what the Westboro Baptist Church is.

That's the God Hates Fags Play.

Exactly.

They always protest my shows, and it never ends in a gun battle.

Yeah, notice how many people have been killed.

It never ends in a gun battle.

And that's free speech, and that's why Charlie Evdo should continue on to do whatever.

I mean, this is how we know their true convictions.

But I don't think it's fair to say that all Muslims are war-mongering.

No, no.

I didn't say that.

No one said that.

I said that's what Gary Trudeau was assuming when he said his statement, that we cannot allow these combustible people to be given an excuse for the money.

That's right, and so many in the media have had that position.

CNN has said this.

People on CNN, New York Times, some on Fox have said this.

They forward the argument of, well, if you wear a short skirt, don't be surprised when you're raped.

They have laid this on the victim.

They have said, you were provoking it.

Don't be surprised when you get surprised.

And the truth is that there are a lot of Muslims in that area.

That's why they picked that town, and none of them even came out to protest silently because they didn't want to give it oxygen.

So obviously, why don't we get on the side of those Muslims, the ones who want to live in the 21st century,

instead of making excuses for the ones who want to live in the seventh?

I mean, this is another thing that was said.

Penn is, this is from the protesters.

Penn is not simply conveying support for freedom of expression, but valorizing selectively offensive material, material that intensifies the anti-Islamic, anti-Maghreb, anti-Arab sentiments already prevalent in the Western world.

That's a timing.

The beef basically that they had was insulting everyone.

Everyone is not equally insulted.

When Charlie Ebdo insulted Catholics, it is not the same as when Charlie Ebdo insulted Muslims.

In part because in the contemporary world, in French society, Muslims are more marginalized and penalized than Catholics are.

So it's not the same thing.

That's the punching down piece, right?

Now, you can make it that way you will, but that was their convention.

The other was, do you really need to give this award right now?

I mean, that's basically what it is.

Yes, they were just killed.

But it wasn't freedom.

Their bodies are still warm.

They are just killed in defense of free speech.

I am not defending the writers, but I think we have to be clear about why they had objections.

And there are a lot of journalists out there in the world who are practicing courageous acts, who have been jailed in Tehran, who have been killed in the field.

And I think pen writers thought, hey, that's courage.

That's courage in terms of freedom of speech.

This is a non-negotiable Western value, and it's one you have to.

You need to die.

We all need to die on this hill.

Free speech is at the core, not just of Western civilization, but this country's identity.

It should be for liberals, the First Amendment, what the Second Amendment is for conservatives.

All right.

Thank you, panel.

It's time for new rules.

All right.

Neuro, whatever you think of Mike Huckabee's politics, you have to admit that he's a brave man because he knew that the week he announced he was running, I'd be showing this photo of his family.

Oh, man.

And you know why they look so happy?

Because they just ate Mitt Romney's family.

Uru, the Chinese zookeeper who had

who licked a constipated leaf monkey's anus for a full hour so the monkey could pass a peanut it had swallowed whole

has to show us the peanut.

I'm not saying you plotted your whole career as a cover story so you could lick a monkey's ass.

I am only saying we'd all feel a hell of a lot better if we saw the peanut.

New Roll, a boxing match, has to have more punches landed than an episode of Real Housewives.

God, I went hoarse from yelling, hit him, hit him.

And that was just when Justin Bieber walked in.

Just from that.

New Roll, the three Californians who were just arrested for running a fake Masonic police force, which they claim is their right based on their Knights Templar bloodlines dating back to 1100 BC, must answer one question.

What the fuck?

Neural, I don't know what's happening here, but whatever it is, knock it off.

This is a six-year-old child in China.

For the love of God, let him get back to doing what six-year-old Chinese children are supposed to be doing, making my iPhone.

And finally, new rule, you can't have any more Republican candidates for president until you tell me what you did with Rand Paul.

who was last seen standing in front of an aircraft carrier setting fire to everything he used to believe.

And this was just two days into his campaign.

The Mayweather fight was boring, but at least it lasted 12 rounds.

The establishment made Rand Paul its bitch at the weigh-in.

Well, you know, I know it's primary season, but Rand Paul was supposed to be my Republican option.

The guy who could stand on a debate stage with a dozen pandering cookie-cutter creeps and tell a crowd what they didn't want to hear.

So I got a queasy feeling a couple of weeks ago when Senator Paul spoke at a prayer breakfast red flag

and totally jumped the shark on gay marriage.

He'd always been the libertarian guy on personal issues.

Live and let live, just don't get any on me.

Now he says

Now he says we need another great awakening with tent revivals of thousands of people praying reform or see what's going to happen if we don't.

Yes, clearly, this is how we steer America toward the future with anti-gay tent revivals.

Behold the sodomite, hurl your prayers at him before he be released to the children of the corn.

And then came the aircraft carrier.

The next hint that something was wrong.

Because if you want to say, I'm a new kind of Republican, don't do what all the rest of them do and stand in front of the Yorktown as if to say, ship strong, me strong.

Ship kill foreigners, me kill foreigners.

And then suggest adding $190 billion to the defense budget, the one you used to want to cut.

It's all just proof that to be competitive, Republican candidates must say to their base, to paraphrase Bill Clinton, I feel you're crazy.

And that's no matter how crazy it is.

Have you heard of Jade Helm 15?

I know, it sounds like a sequel to the porn video Jade Helm 14.

But it's actually the code name for a routine training exercise the U.S.

military is planning to conduct in the Southwest.

which the teabaggers in Texas are convinced is actually an Obama plot to invade Texas, take their guns, and impose a new world order.

Yes, because we hate Lubbock for its freedom.

But here's the thing: in today's Republican Party, you can't call out nutty people for being nutty because they're not a small group.

In the Republican Party, crazy is a constituency.

So,

what happens is the governor of Texas indulges them and says he will be ordering the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on the United States military.

You know, our former ally.

And Rand Paul, former sane person, says, Jade Helm 15, yeah, I'm going to look into that too.

Look into what?

Whether Obama is planning to invade Texas?

Great.

While you're you're at it, could you please see if the Supreme Court is run by lizard people?

Okay, one last point.

You rural white people who are always saying things like, don't mess with Texas, let me tell you something.

You are among the most left alone, least messed with people on the planet.

You can carry an assault rifle into Chili's.

What more do you want?

The right to do it shirtless?

You're practically your own independent country now.

You've outlawed abortion.

You've gutted government regulation.

You're armed to the teeth.

You're the white Somalia.

Stop worrying about getting sucked into the new world order.

You're barely in the current world order.

And the only reason we conduct military exercises in your area is there's no chance of accidentally damaging anything anybody cares about.

All right, that's our show.

I'll be at the Barber Man in Fort Myers, June 14th, the Fox and Riverside here in California, June 21, and at Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs on July 17th.

I want to thank Will Kane, Lincoln Chafee, Alex Wagner, Aaron Brockovich, and Billy Crystal.

Join us now on Overtime on YouTube.

Thank you, folks.

You're great.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 11 or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

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