Bonus Bill (Originally aired 4/24/15)

Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Well, you sound great.

I think I might know why you're happy.

After 165 days of Republican stonewalling, finally, President Obama gets his Attorney General confirmed, the first woman black attorney general in our nation's history.

And she said her first priority when she gets to office will be to free Ben Affleck's slaves.

So that's fantastic.

What is it with Ben Affleck and slaves?

Ben, you weren't alive.

So take it easy, brother.

You know, 11 American presidents were slave owners.

George Washington had black men whipped long before the Kardashian girl.

Now on the downside of the war on terror, we had a little boo-boo.

It came on today that a drone strike in January killed the hostages we were trying to save.

But we also killed two Americans, and that was on purpose.

Well, because they had joined al-Qaeda.

One of them was a guy named Adam Godnan, who was right from here in the OC.

Yeah, yeah, man.

Right from the OC.

He got this.

He was raised an atheist by a bunch of hippies in Northern California.

Then his dad becomes a super Christian, so he didn't like that.

So he moved in with his super Jewish grandparents and then converted to Islam.

And his last words were, screw you guys, I want to be a Mormon.

Boom!

Wow, that's a lot of changing around.

When I had an identity crisis, I just tried to learn to break dance.

This kid is

crazy.

But, you know, he was al-Qaeda, but you could tell.

You could always tell that he was from the OC.

Like

when he issued that fatua on fake tits.

That was a

dead giveaway.

Okay.

So

another international news over in China: scientists, get this for the first time, have modified genes in a human embryo.

Now, of course, they used a non-viable embryo, or as they call it in China, a girl.

And the scientists say the ultimate goal,

Chinese scientists say the ultimate goal, is to remove the bad genes in the embryo that cause disease and to add a gene for playing the violin.

Chinese.

Do you remember Michelle Bachman,

congresswoman from Minnesota?

Okay, she's been going around saying that President Obama is bringing on the apocalypse, right?

Of course that.

But, here's her wrinkle.

We should rejoice because it means Jesus is coming back sooner than we thought.

Did I mention that at one point the Republicans wanted to make this woman President of the United States?

I think that puts Hillary Clinton in perspective.

But the real presidential race, you know, it's not really about Iowa, New Hampshire, and all that bullshit anymore, flipping pancakes.

No, no, it's all about the billionaires.

The Koch brothers have chosen their candidate, Scott Walker.

Do you know who Scott Walker is?

He's so creepy.

Get this.

I'm not making this up.

He got married on Reagan's birthday, like on purpose.

And he and his wife, on their anniversary every year, they eat Reagan's favorite foods.

Why don't you just carry Reagan's corpse around like weekended Bernies?

Boy, don't you miss the days when old, ugly, rich guys just picked out a trophy wife instead of a president?

Now, the other billionaire who spent $100 million on the election last time, Sheldon Adelson.

Are you familiar with Sheldon Adelson?

He's like 1,000,

but he only looks 900.

And

Sheldon Adelson's candidate is Marco Rubio.

You know, Marco Rubio, young brash, Marco Rubio, yes.

But before Marco gets Sheldon Adelson's endorsement, Adelson wants him to make a speech strong on Israel, a pledge on defense spending, and a kidney.

Those are the only three.

And then it's it.

Now the other guy who's, of course, looks like he might get the nomination, Jeb Bush.

And it was in the news today, Jeb Bush has lost 20 to 30 pounds on the caveman diet.

He says he wants to get back down to lying weight for the big election coming up.

Now the caveman diet is when you just eat lean meat and fruits and vegetables.

And today Chris Christie said, oh, that's the caveman diet.

I've been eating cavemen.

Thank you very much.

You're terrific.

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