Bonus Bill (Originally aired 3/27/15)

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Now it's time for Real Time 2.0.

Your chance to listen in behind the scenes to the real-time monologue jokes America didn't hear.

Good afternoon.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What happened over there?

Someone farted or something?

This is terrible.

I think I know why you're happy.

The 2016 presidential race is officially underway.

We have our first official candidate, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz fans, where are my Ted Cruz fans?

He does have one little problem.

Everyone hates him.

This is a little problem that he has in running for president.

So he's going on what they call a charm offensive.

He's got the offensive part down.

It's the charm part.

And he made his announcement to run at Liberty U.

Do you know Liberty U?

That's Jerry Falwell's College.

They call it a college.

It teaches that the earth is 5,000 years old.

This is a college, McQuake.

college.

It's a madrasa with a Division I basketball team, is what it is.

Well, also in Neanderthal news,

here in California, I'm not kidding about this, a lawyer is proposing a ballot measure that would make gay sex punishable by quote bullets to the head.

Now of course he will be discovered in a public restroom sucking off a stranger in three,

two,

one.

So one guy who's loosened up on the gay issue is the Pope.

He will be coming to this country announced today in September.

He'll be meeting President Obama in the White House.

They will discuss the poor.

They will discuss being good stewards for the environment.

And then the Pope will take confessions from the Secret Service.

Republicans say they're really looking forward to the Pope meeting the president because it's a meeting between a guy who's infallible and a guy who's never gotten anything right.

So it's going to be.

So I guess you heard a truly shocking discovery about that plane that went down in the Alps.

It was not Malaysian.

Shocking,

shocking.

No, it was a terrible tragedy, especially for CNN, who was hoping to milk it for another six weeks.

Oh, please, fuck this.

You weren't on the plane.

You'll get over it.

But the good news is that it was not terrorism.

It was depression.

The bad news is from now on, anytime I get on a plane, that pilot better look happy as a motherfucker.

But they can't think what could be so bad to make a guy suicidal and want to take everyone with him.

And then they realized, well, he had just learned that Ted Cruz was running for president.

Elsewhere overseas, we're bombing Iraq, of course, bombing the shit out of them.

The bad Iraq we're bombing.

for the good Iraq.

And when I say the good Iraq, of course, I mean Iran.

And at the same time, Saudi Arabia just started bombing Yemen to make the world safe for oligarchy.

And

what happened is that the Iranian rebels took over in Yemen, so the Saudis are very afraid of the Yemenis now.

They're scared that, like we're scared of Iran getting a nuke.

The Saudis heard that Yemeni scientists were working on developing a car that could be driven by women.

we're bombing the allies of Iran in one country and the enemies of Iran in another country.

We're like the state pharma bombing.

Anyone can call us and, like a good neighbor, we'll bomb the fuck out of you.

And finally, I guess you heard this, a big merger in the food industry.

Kraft

Foods merging with Heinz.

The new company is going to be called Eat Shit and Die.

All right, thank you.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to HBO.com.