Episode #348 (Originally aired 3/27/15)

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Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO Late Month series, Real Time with Bill Maher.

Start the clock.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon.

Time will be

real time.

Real time.

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you very much.

You're very kind.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Wow, listen to this.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Please, we got a lot of show.

I know.

It's so exciting to be here at a television show.

But let me

get to the news because a lot of people watch this show to get the news, so I have to fill them in.

People are excited because the 2016 presidential race officially started this week.

We have our first official candidate, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz.

People have Ted Cruz fever.

It's kind of like that flu bug going around, but the shit comes out your mouth.

Yeah, no, I can't.

No, Ted Cruz, first in.

I got to give him points for not being coy, right?

And he'd kind of taken a page out of Obama's playbook.

Only a senator for two years, just like Obama was.

Declare early, just like Obama did.

The big difference, of course, is that Ted Cruz actually wasn't born in America.

It's true.

No.

Ted Cruz, who presents himself as the most all-American guy ever, born in Canada, his father's Cuban.

He's half Canadian and half Cuban.

He's got the gravitas of Justin Bieber,

combined with the people skills of Scarface.

So he's a terrific candidate.

Two years is a short time to be in public service.

They asked him on Fox News the other day what he's accomplished.

And he said, stopped bad things from happening

and that's his slogan Ted Cruz America's diaphragm

but

it's interesting he made his declaration this is very telling made his declaration that he was going to run at Liberty University you're familiar that's Jerry Falwell's college wink wink a college where they teach the earth is 5,000 years old.

I'm not kidding about that.

And it was mandatory for the students to to attend this speech of debt crews.

And a lot of the kids were not happy about it.

They were slyly revolting.

And some of them had Rand Paul t-shirts on, you know.

One of them was reading a science textbook under the Bible.

Now in other fundamentalist news, the Republican governor of Indiana has signed a religious freedom bill, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers.

That has got to hurt if you're gay and someone tells you, we don't want your kind in Gary.

But what I want to know is, say you're a restaurant.

How do you know who's gay?

I mean, when they did this with black people, it was easy to, but what is it?

I mean,

how do they do it with gay people?

I don't know.

At Bennigan's now, if you bring in a picture of you with a vagina,

you get a free appetizer.

That's not.

Before I get sued by Bennigan's, I don't know, but I'm sure Bennigans are very nice people, and gays love them, and I just picked that name.

It's where gays go, Bennigans.

They go to Fire Island.

Palm Springs, Key West, and Bennigan's.

It's well.

Okay, so now the sad story of the week you saw this, the mystery of the Lufthansa German wings plane that crashed in the Alps is not a mystery anymore.

One of the pilots was just depressed.

This is scary stuff.

Andreas Lubitz, he was 28.

His friends said he was bright, but also somewhat somber, possibly sinister, a little offbeat.

What doctors call German.

I used to worry about the pilot being drunk.

Now I'm like, well, at least he's in a good mood.

Okay, that's...

I'll drink with you, Captain.

Let me top that off for you, sir.

What would freak me out is if I saw one of them eating a pint of Haagendas.

That would.

But apparently this German pilot hid an existing illness, which he wouldn't have had to do if he was on Obamacare.

I just want to point out.

Well, oh, one more thing about Ted Cruz.

The day after he declared he signed up for Obamacare, he filibustered it for 21 hours two years ago, and now he signed up because...

His wife is quitting her job.

He got his health insurance through his wife.

Now she's quitting to help him on the campaign trail.

So he doesn't have health insurance, so he signs up for Obamacare.

He was asked about, he said, I believe we should follow the text of every law, even laws I disagree with.

Ah.

Well, you know what, Ted?

If you need some medical marijuana, call me.

Oh.

Also some news on that front.

Chris Christie, dead to me.

Chris Christie came out strongly against legalizing marijuana.

He said, legalized weed puts the lives of children and citizens at risk as opposed to obesity.

Of course, Chris Christie doesn't need weed.

He was obviously born with the munchies.

Yeah, because...

Yeah, because the drug war has been such a giant success.

Such a giant success.

We found out that, you see this, the DEA agents in South America were having sex parties with the prostitutes paid for by the drug cartels.

No, it's not cool.

The Justice Department said they were outraged this was going on, and the Secret Service said they were outraged they weren't invited.

All right, you're a great crowd.

We've got a great show.

We have Zachary Twinsel, Barney Frank, and SD Cup.

And a little later, we'll be speaking with Professor Jay Falmietti about the water crisis here.

But first up, he is the former governor of Arkansas, the author of God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.

Also, I believe he won eight states in 2008 in the Republican primary.

Mike Huckabee's over here.

Governor Mike Huckabee.

How are you, Governor?

Hey, Bill.

How you doing?

Good to see you.

Thank you for being here.

My pleasure.

I know you're concerned about bad language.

I tried to clean that up for you tonight.

I'm telling you, that could have been worse.

It usually is.

Yes, and you know what?

I agree with you sometimes.

I sometimes watch a sitcom at 8 o'clock at night, and it's like at 8 o'clock at night, it's like five minutes in, and it's three dick jokes.

I'm not

sorry,

you know what I'm saying, sir.

Unfortunately, I do.

Yes.

So, but you know, I read in your book, you said that, you know, you grew up in the South, and there was a certain decorum there.

Men did not cuss in front of women.

Typically, that was the case.

There was a certain sort of just unwritten code that people behaved with a level of respect for others.

And

I think

slaves.

Look, I'm not a prude.

Not in my lifetime.

No, no, not in your lifetime, but I just mean like

I'm just saying

of the priorities.

You know, I would rather have people who didn't have slaves and cussed.

Yeah, but you know what?

What I think, people had a sense of respect for other people.

I'm not a prude.

I hear language all the time that I find that's not the things I would say.

I hear it.

That's okay.

But here's what I feel like.

When we become coarse,

the coarseness of our language ends up becoming the attitude we have toward other people.

I agree.

And

they become

very just mean and angry.

Are you on Twitter?

I am.

It's nasty.

If you read your feed, they must say terrible things.

They say awful things.

They say awful things about everybody.

But you know, free speech is a great thing, but responsible speech is a part of the balance of that.

And I never want the government, I wouldn't even want anyone else

shutting me down or shutting you down or anyone else.

But I'd like for people to self-police and to say, you know, I can say anything I want, but I'm going to say the things that are more wholesome, that are more edifying to the overall culture and society, that make us a more civil country rather than a less civil country.

Okay, let's talk about your book.

Now, I remember you were on when you had your

previous book, which was about, I mean, you used to be Chris Christie level, right?

I did.

Right.

And you boy.

You were a big boy.

And

you lost a lot of weight.

I mean, you're not a rail, but you look healthy.

Neither am I.

I went through a process

to be.

By the way, you look healthier than people who do get skinny at your age.

Well, thank you.

You look healthy.

At my age.

Which is my age.

But I mean, I lost 100 pounds back in 2003.

If I didn't, I think the doctor was quite right in saying, you know, I'd be entering the last decade of my life.

So clearly I've outlived that.

You know, I've had bouts with weight gain, but I really believe that one of the most important things that we have to do is to take care of ourselves.

And that's, again, it's a matter of personal responsibility.

Okay.

And I think.

But your new book is called God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.

Yes.

In the South, sounds like you flip-flopped on gravy.

You've got to understand, in the South, gravy is a beverage.

I know, but aren't you off the gravy?

I mean, it's a very good idea.

Yeah, let me tell you.

The term God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy is not a Southern recipe book.

It's really a depiction of the fact that there are bubbles of influence in places like New York, Washington, and Hollywood.

And then there is a whole bunch of America in the middle, often called flyover country.

But my term for it, over the past few years, I said when people would ask me where I live, I'd say, I live in the land of God, guns, grits, and gravy.

And by that, I mean it's a place, if somebody comes up to you and says, you know, I heard your mother is sick and in the hospital, I'm praying for her.

Nobody is creeped out by that.

Or if someone says, heard you just got a new weather, be 300 mad.

You see that everywhere.

You don't think people pray in California?

I think they do.

If I lived in California, I'd be praying a lot.

That's a weird thing.

Because I hear this all the time from social conservatives like yourself.

You feel put upon.

You feel like somehow the world is against you.

You're 80% of the country.

You have the vast majority, even in the blue states.

Most people are religious.

Most Most liberals still follow a religion.

Most Democrats do.

I'm the only one sneering at you.

Nobody else is.

So

I don't understand that persecution complex, except it's in Christian history.

You love being persecuted.

No, I think that there is, if you look at television shows and movies, you'll be hard-pressed to find a sitcom in which Christians, which do represent a significant part of the population.

Significant.

A vast majority of people won't see them presented as normal, decent people.

They're usually a charlatan.

They're often depicted.

Yes, Bill.

Christians are depicted as charlatans?

You're thinking of Jews.

No.

I don't know where you're getting that term.

But I have to tell you something.

This may blow your mind.

I made a little list of places I've traveled.

Okay.

Because I do stand-up almost every weekend.

I could, longer list, but I just picked out, and see if you can tell why I picked these cities.

This place I've been in the last two years.

Huntsville, Alabama, Nashville, Tennessee.

Let's not do this for everyone.

Memphis, Baton Rouge, Savannah, Topeka, Kansas, Oklahoma City, Little Rock, Mobile, Alabama, Birmingham, Alabama, Kansas City, Charleston, West Virginia, Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, Macon, Georgia.

What do they all have in common?

They probably loved you.

They probably

standing

that you won in 2008.

Wonderful people they are.

Smart people they are.

Brilliant people.

But

see, you have this thing in your book, Bob Beville.

You were just describing it.

And I think I know Bob Beville better than you do.

I think I'm in more cities than you are.

And I see in America,

I don't know if you know this, America.

I don't know if you know how actually

people in the cities, yes, I'm sure if you go out in the deliverance area,

but they look, act, and laugh just like people everywhere else.

This country is not Bubbaville anymore.

No, but Bill, I think what I would say to you, there's a lot of people who will come to your show, whether it's in whatever city.

There are certainly there are liberals and there are all kinds of people in every city in America.

There are conservatives.

There are very strict fundamentalist Christians in Manhattan.

I understand all that.

I'm saying the prevailing worldview, and this is from going to New York every week for six and a half years.

I told people, and they said, You're going to live there.

Yeah.

And they asked me, Did I live there?

I said, No, I'm not going to go there unless they let me duck hunt in Central Park, which I'm pretty sure that's never going to happen.

And my point being that- Why do you want to kill ducks?

Really?

They taste good, Bill.

You kill things to eat them.

Okay.

All right.

The point is, there is a difference in the culture in those areas that really set the table for American culture and so much of the land that we call flyover world.

Okay.

Well, I'm going going to ask the panel about this in a minute about this strategy, because Ted Cruz, who declared this week,

is trying to steal your lunch.

I mean,

you're the real pastor.

You're a real pastor, right?

I was 25 years ago.

Okay.

But you were doing 25 years ago.

I know, but you are a Jesus enthusiast.

I do love Jesus.

I don't even deny that.

Right, in a way that he really can't compete with, and yet he declared.

He could have picked his alma alma mater, Harvard, to declare, but that would send an awful message that he believes in reason and logic.

He declared at Liberty,

he's going after your vote.

And now I assume you're running for president, you're here.

I will make a decision, final somehow.

You're running for president.

Okay, so

I mean...

No, I mean winning eight states the last time you ran, that's a lot of states.

I mean a lot of people run and don't win any states.

Yeah.

So you have a place to a springboard to go from.

What do you think about Ted Cruz Getting?

Is he a threat to you?

Well, everybody's a threat to me.

I think they should all drop out and they'll let me have it to myself.

But, you know,

everybody assumes that the only people who supported me eight years ago were the people who were religious.

And the fact is, if they'd all really supported me, I'd have been the nominee.

The fact is, a lot of the people who supported me were working-class people, the kind of people I grew up with.

Because that's where I came from.

I am not blue-blood.

I am blue-collar.

Right.

I'm the first male in my entire family lineage that ever graduated high school.

You're from the same town as Bill Clinton.

I am.

You know, Bill Clinton and I are both from Hope, Arkansas.

You could have flipped a coin and wound up in different parties.

Could have.

But he moved away when he was like five years old and I stayed because my family didn't have enough money to go.

So there we were.

He moved away from a lot of things.

But the working class people,

that's where my support really came from.

It was from truck drivers and baggage handlers and taxi drivers.

And there's a loss of connection between the political class and

people who are working.

I wish we had more time

to talk about why I don't think people like that should vote Republican.

But you make that case, and we'll see if they do.

I think I can.

Thank you, Governor.

I appreciate you.

You're great to come here.

Thank you.

Great to see you.

Thank you.

Governor Mike Huckabee.

All right, let's meet our panel.

Hey!

Look at this.

He's a nice man.

All right, let's be in our panel.

He was my favorite congressman who represented Massachusetts' 4th District.

Now he's my favorite ex-congressman.

His new book is Frank, a Life in Politics from the Great Society to Same-Sex Marriage.

Barney Frank's over there.

He stars in NBC's The Slap and the Girls.

He's ace.

Love Ace.

He stars in that, and also you know him as Mr.

Spock.

Zachary Quinto is with us.

And now the only surviving Mr.

Spock.

Oof, it's true.

Didn't mean to bum the crowd out before your introduction.

She's a CNN political commentator who just became a nationally syndicated columnist for Tribune, and I will take credit for popularizing her on this show.

Please welcome Etsy Cup.

Okay.

Remember to follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and send us your questions for tonight's overtime overseas.

Ah, so we can answer them after the show on YouTube.

All right.

I mentioned this to the governor there about Ted Cruz.

He seems to be trying to steal.

the lunch of the evangelical vote.

And I don't understand why they're all going after this vote, because I don't think this is where the vote is anymore in America.

Why go to Bubbaville?

Why declare at Liberty University why he made this big play that he listens to country music?

We'll get into that in a minute.

Isn't this an America that was maybe voting for you 20 years ago, but this is not America today?

Well, the problem for Ted Cruz, and he's not the only candidate who's going to have this problem, is

his tactics, shutting down the government, blocking the vote on raising the debt ceiling, filibustering Obamacare, are what make him really popular with the base,

but make him detestable to the rest of the country.

And you cannot win an election by alienating half the party anymore.

And it's a problem that Hillary's gonna have, it's a problem that Jeb is gonna have.

So you have to find a lane where you can convince the flank of your party and the centrists that you are palatable to both.

And Ted Cruz is never going to get anyone but the flank of the party on board.

It had that feeling of somebody that's right that's that's rushing out after a concert to the parking lot before everybody else gets their cars a little bit, you know, at Liberty University trying to really corner this market.

Right, which is is clearly drive.

Yeah, exactly.

And he has all these people just behind him, this varied field of contenders that are going to be giving a run for his money.

Well, I think the point, Bill, though, is that you've described America, but you haven't described the people who vote in Republican primaries.

And that's a very different section.

And by the way, it's self-selected.

I wish other people voted in Republican primaries.

but you can't blame the people who do vote.

It's not their fault.

It's the people who sit it out.

But the Republican primary electorate has become a very conservative entity.

And they, so you can't, now the problem is, as Etsy said, how do you go from there to the future?

The danger the Republicans have is that that bass takes off.

I know there's a song.

I don't sing well, but it's kind of like it's all about the bass, no moderates.

Oh, my God.

That's their problem.

And

I would disagree with Etsy on this.

That is a problem, and I think that's more of a problem for Jeb Bush.

We have, as Democrats, been divided.

We're more united this time.

I do not think Hillary Clinton faces anything like the same conflict in the Democratic Party.

She's a much more consensus candidate.

That's going to be a problem for her.

Honestly, if no one runs against her and she has this inevitability, she's not going to convince progressives to turn out for Hillary Goldman Sachs Clinton.

It's not going to happen.

In the first place, that's just nonsensical.

She's a strong supporter of financial reform.

Secondly, you know what's going to turn people out for Hillary Clinton?

The Republican nominee.

She does not have to.

What's going to turn people out out is that she'll be for doing something about climate change.

She will be appointing Supreme Court justices who will support the values of Democrats.

She will be for maintaining financial reform.

I'm not worried given the way the government is going to be able to do it.

And women.

Let's not kid ourselves.

Women are going to...

Yeah.

Just the way Obama, the first black, turned out a vote that...

A number of women were unhappy last time, and yet she has strong support from women.

Okay, so Ted Cruz, I have to say, he was on the day after he announced he was on CBS this morning and they asked him a very innocent question, what kind of music do you listen to?

That's a gotcha question, but really?

No!

Exactly!

Most people would just answer it.

Ted Cruz's mind goes, oh, an opportunity to lie.

So this is what he said.

And it's not important, except maybe it is because it tells something about this guy.

He said, I grew up listening to classic rock.

My music changed.

My music tastes changed on 9-11.

Who thinks that's true?

He said, I didn't like how rock music responded.

And country music, the way they responded, resonated with me.

I had an emotional reaction that said, these are my people.

Right.

I love the rodeo and Paula Dean and books about dead kids who go to heaven and come back.

That's who I am.

So I looked up how rock responded with three giant fundraisers.

Huge concert.

September 21st, all four networks showed America, a tribute to heroes.

Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam, a virtual roster of classic rock.

I think it speaks to, in a way, October 20th,

Paul McCartney's concert for New York, The Who, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Elton John, Eric Clapton.

The next day, Michael Jackson had the few rock classic people who were left, Aerosmith, Rod Stewart, Delaware.

Paul McCartney wrote a song called called Freedom, Spruce String, The Rising,

Bon Jovi, Undivided, Neil Young, Let's Roll.

How much more could they?

Let's quote Governor Huckabee.

Were they praying?

I mean, did they really mean it?

That's the problem.

Yeah, and did they mention

lift kits, trailer hitches, beers, and getting drunk on a plane?

I don't think so.

Casey.

It shows a willingness on the part of Ted Cruz, I think, to say whatever it is that people want to hear.

It's a real problem.

His ability to deny certain aspects of things that are scientifically proven through the course of certainly climate change and global warming and many other topics.

It's just somebody that is willing to pander to the people that he knows he has to get because they're really his only hope.

Well, he could honestly be interested in class.

He could honestly like country music, but it's also politically pretty small.

Some of you say, I think Zach is absolutely right, and I think Cruz makes a mistake.

That's a kind of a, that's the first step.

Oh, I'll tell them what they want to hear.

But I've developed a rule over time.

i have several not as many as yours but i've developed a rule no matter how

you think it will how much you think it will help you in the short term try not to say something that no one will believe because in the end that's not going to be very useful no one believes him when he says that right he thinks it's great and he just looks silly okay so let's talk about the bill that you

wrote for a second.

You are out of Congress, but the bill bears your name and your legacy.

And I noticed that when the Republicans took over, it was the first thing, the very very first thing they tried to do was repeal Dodd-Frank, including the Volcker rule,

crazy derivative speculation.

The Consumer Bureau, the Consumer Protection Bureau.

All this.

And I remember after 9-11

people saying, especially on the right, but everybody said, we can't go back to a pre-9-11 mindset.

And yet they seem to want to go back to a pre-financial crisis mindset.

I wonder what you have to say about that.

Oh, there's no question.

And in fact, one of the critical reactions that it goes to as he's questioned about Hillary Clinton, one of the issues that will be before the American people in 2016 is do we maintain financial reform with changes, anything needs to be amended somewhat, but do we maintain the basic structure or do we go back to the essentially unregulated situation?

Because the Republicans will be for undoing it.

Hillary Clinton has already made very clear that she's for keeping it as it is.

So

between now and the auction, I'm confident that the President's going to protect it.

There's a little glitch.

A lot of us yelled, we're safe now.

But that'll be an issue that will be decided in 2016.

Do we go back to the pre-regulatory situation with regard to derivatives and no-consumer bureau and bad mortgages being given out?

Or do we keep something like what we now have, making the necessary adjustments going forward?

Yeah, but it's

a little bit of a...

false argument here to say that those are the only two options.

And there are smart Republicans who are suggesting

tweets.

What do you mean?

There are smart smart Republicans.

Give me this.

And there are Democrats now in Congress who are agreeing to smart tweaks so that, for example, small businesses maybe have an easier time getting a loans, so that maybe community banks and credit unions aren't collapsing under the weight of maybe some overreach of well-intended regulation.

So it's not an either-or situation.

It will be in 2016.

The fact that...

Well, you can fear-monger all you want, but there are plenty of people talking about.

See, I take comfort in the fact that you want to back away as a conservative from that issue.

It is very clear.

The Republicans have made this very clear.

They all voted against the bill when it passed.

They didn't vote for it with tweaks.

They didn't vote for it with these amendments.

They wanted nothing.

It is very clear.

I'm not fearmongering to tell you what people say they're going to do.

Their platform will include a substantial repeal.

Yes, there should be some tweaks, but it's hard to do reform in the midst of open warfare on the whole operation.

And the overwhelming thrust of the Republican Party is to undo this and to go back to where we were.

Well, I hope you're not interesting Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton to carry on this mantle for you because all your great work in financial reform is going to be handed off to two people who have been incredibly cozy with the bank.

That is an absolute misstatement.

Hillary Clinton has been very supportive of this.

When President Obama signed a bill that I wish he hadn't signed that made a slight tweak, she put out a tweet saying that we cannot back away.

Oh, well, if she tweeted, then okay.

Yeah, but she put a public statement out there, a public statement saying what she thought.

Here's the problem problem that people like you pose to us.

If we demonize the financial community and have nothing to do with them and attack them, then we're being radical and disruptive.

If we work with them in a cooperative way, then we're in bed with them.

In fact, Hillary Clinton, Chuck Schumer voted for that bill.

Chuck Schumer voted against weakening amendments.

The notion that because he has some understanding of the industry, he's going to sell it out simply isn't factually true.

Okay, well, we'll see, I guess.

I'm glad you guys prepared that one.

Solved.

So, could I ask one more question about Wall Street?

The stock market is just through the roof, right?

It's over 18,000.

But if it was some kind of real indication of how our economy is going,

why would college grads be moving back in with their parents and taking jobs as Uber drivers?

I saw this.

Here's a post from Reddit.

Somebody said, my grandpa worked at a grocery store and made enough money to raise a family in Santa Monica.

I work at a grocery store.

I can't even afford to rent a room.

What happened?

What happened?

I think it's a larger systemic problem with

the way we have all come to live our lives.

In addition to all of the regulation and all of the government

positions, all of these things, the reality is that people have really come to just want what they want.

And it dilutes the waters to the degree that I think people are kind of backing themselves into their own corners where we're not able to provide for ourselves and for each other the way we used to because we've lost sight of connectivity and the kind of

interactions that actually make those differences.

And I think it's...

But an apartment is an apartment.

I mean, when I moved out here, an apartment was $300 a month and you couldn't find a place for your car.

Yeah, I mean, it's just preposterous.

But we're generating wealth.

The way the economy works in America, People are rewarded because of what where America can sell in the rest of the world with very high skills, with very high education levels.

If you have the kind of basic willingness to work that 40 years ago got you a good job in an auto plant or a steel plant, that hasn't happened.

And there's been this shift in the private sector.

So overall wealth is created.

It's distributed unfairly.

I think the lack has been a more active set of public policies that work with the private sector to keep the production, but do some redistribution.

We should, for example, you could go 30 years ago, 40 years ago to a state university, a state college.

State legislatures have been forced to cut back or have cut back.

The funding for these public institutions is gone.

So now it costs way too much.

I think we need to do more to provide some public activity.

Construction workers, we have plenty of jobs that could be put to work in fixing our infrastructure, fixing the bridges and the railroads.

We're running too short of money to do that.

If we put more money into that, Yes, you would see a better distribution.

Okay, I have to move on.

There's an issue that I care a lot about, which is water.

I live in California, and I'm used to water, and I want to keep it.

We're 39 million people out here.

You know, we are the most populous state in the country and we do provide food.

I think we grow 25% of the agriculture that's consumed in America.

And a lot of the attitude.

You give us a lot.

You do a lot of the attitude.

It's very important.

I'll let that pass, Barney.

A little bitchy, but okay.

I didn't say you had a lot of people.

I love you, but I didn't say you had a monopoly.

Just most of them.

But you know,

we're in the fourth year of a drought.

I saw this headline recently in the Los Angeles Times, California's about one year of water stored.

And I said, where's the panic?

And maybe you're right.

Maybe, you know, it reminds me of the people in that SNL sketch, the Californians, you know, were like,

Stuart, where are you worrying about water for?

Take the 405.

So I looked at what the government is doing.

It's like pathetic.

They put out water conservation guide.

I swear to God, this is not a joke.

Some of their suggestions are in restaurants,

the waiter has to be asked before he brings you water.

They just don't do it automatically.

In hotels, they're just,

if you ask, they won't clean your towels unless you...

Okay, some of these are so lame.

Look at some of these other ones.

Number 24.

Instead of turning the hose on two dogs having sex,

try to talk them out of it.

I mean, this is not going to get the job done.

Look at that.

Number 13.

Instead of washing your car, patrol SM clubs to find a masochist who will lick your car clean.

That's not going to.

That's a thing.

Number 55, SpongeBob is just Bob now.

Oh, 137.

Celebrities have been asked to pitch in.

They're popular anyway.

So they're being asked to stop showering.

Mickey Rook and Nick Nolte have been helping out for years.

Part of the story.

Number 22, the next time the OctoMom's water breaks, she has to save it.

Oh, Bill, no!

No!

No!

Bill, can I just defend?

No, no, well, let me finish the bit, and then.

But just that it's California, not the federal government.

I just want to take no way.

I'm in the middle of a comedy bit.

Then...

Stoners and Truggies, if the DEA comes to the door, make sure the entire household stash is in the toilet before you flush.

This one's for Robert Durst.

While dismembering a neighbor in the bathtub, turn off the faucet while bagging body parts.

Oh, my God.

Makes sense.

Instead of having to dump a bucket of ice over your head to give money to charity, just give money to charity, you fucking dead beef.

And

finally, number 71.

Instead of bathing with water, choose another colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid, like Budweiser.

All right, let's bring out the professor to talk about this.

He's a professor at the University of California at Irvine and senior water scientist for NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Jay Falmayetti.

Jay!

Professor!

Who are you, sir?

All right.

So, finally, a witness who will tell us expert testimony about this.

They call you the Al Gore of water I hear.

Wow.

Wow.

That's that's impressive.

Well, you know, it's a bad

look it's a bad, it's a bad situation.

Yeah, why isn't there a panic or at least a sense of urgency?

Where's the governor going on TV?

What's the plan, man?

Yeah, well, that's that's water.

It's serious shit, bro.

So, you know, the original title for the op-ed that I submitted was Dude, Where's My Paddle?

And

My Paddle?

My Paddle.

Like, you know, Dude, Where's My Car?

I'm up the creek without a paddle.

In fact, the print, right, the print version there's no stream.

Right.

And so that's what the LA Times ran with.

And the print was

up a dry creek.

And so that was sort of the theme.

But

here's the thing: the drought situation is much worse than I think is generally perceived.

And this may be why we're not getting the public response that we want.

We use NASA data to look at how the total amount of water storage, the total together, so that's a problem.

Yes, show that chart we have, that picture.

Look at this.

Right, so it's green and now it's red.

Now, Doc, I'm not a scientist.

Red is bad.

That's what I know.

Red is bad.

Is that the water below the surface?

Well, a lot of science is based on that.

Right.

Red is bad.

Yeah,

that's the water below the surface.

And so what's happening in California?

You know,

our water system sort of works like this.

We have

snow and rain.

No, we don't.

That are like the income.

They're like the income, right?

Our reservoirs are like the checking account.

Right.

Right.

And then the groundwater is like a long-term reserve.

So we have no income right now.

Right.

The checking account, the reservoirs are running out.

That's true.

Right.

They're only going to hold, they're only for short-term, like a real checking account.

They're only for short-term storage.

And so we're hitting that groundwater really, really hard, hard and it's disappearing really really rapidly I understand some places the the the ground sinks because we take that and that's it's like letting it's like letting the air out of a bicycle or or a car tire but flights isn't the answer we we just have to not grow so much because most of the water gets taken by agriculture

you know almonds I hear take 10% of the water right like it takes one gallon of water to grow grow a single almond.

I mean I like almonds, but you know, sometimes you've got to take one for the team, aren't you?

Right.

I mean, what's...

No, right.

So

what can you not live without?

Water or almonds?

I can live without almonds.

I hear you.

But

almond milk is cool.

No, so

we grow.

There's a big shift in the Central Valley, and this is a problem.

And the shift is from the annual crops to the perennial crops, to the orchard crops,

the nut trees,

and the vineyards.

And they're really

sucking the grass.

So grass is like the biggest crop in the country.

I put in fake grass.

Good for you.

That's fine.

But you know, there are homeowners.

There's nothing wrong with fake grass.

There are homeowners associations that won't let you do that.

And that's crazy.

What?

It's true.

They won't let you.

They will not let you put in fake grass.

That's so fun.

I hear you.

Yeah, okay.

So, what about fracking?

You know, I mean, the governor of New York had the balls to say, you know, no fracking.

We're not going to do it here.

Fracking takes an incredible amount of water, right?

It does, that's right.

And so there's major water.

And they're considering it.

Okay, there's major water issues that are associated with fracking, and they're not getting the attention.

They're not getting the, you know, the environmental impacts, especially on the water side, are not getting, like, you know, they're not getting costed properly.

So when we look at the benefits and the cost, we're not taking the water stuff into account.

So we've got the contamination, right, the potential release of the fracking, the very toxic fracking fluids out into the environment, environment, through the wells and into the reservoir rock itself.

The storage of the fracking fluids on the surface, the contamination of wells within, say, a one kilometer radius, the micro-seismicity,

and the huge amount, like you said, the huge amount of water that's required to

do the fracking.

So those are all things that have to be

properly costed.

so that when you do the the pros and cons and you look at the benefits and the cost, the environmental costs have to be properly costed.

What about the people who ask about desalination?

You hear that a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what do you desalininate?

It doesn't seem like that would be harder than a lot of other things

we do.

Yeah, you know, just take salt out of water.

Right, right.

And so, you know, it's not crazy.

The issue is that it's expensive, right?

And so, to produce the water at this point in time takes But it can't be more expensive than bottled water is already.

Yeah, I mean, Nestle's

takes the water out of of the grind for free,

puts it in a bottle, and sells it back to us.

That's right.

That's their crazy water law right there.

They have the right to do it.

The rights have been in place for over 100 years, and

it's crazy.

Isn't it also about how little water you're actually able to get from desalination?

So the D cell stuff, that's right.

I mean, it takes a lot of energy, it's very expensive, and then you're left with the brine, and you have to do something with that brine.

And it's also the salt.

The salt.

What?

Sell it as salt.

Right, you could.

And that's right.

Put it on fucking almonds.

Okay.

Problem solved.

Let me.

Why is it that we're scared of some things?

Let me ask everybody, why are we scared of some things so much and other things don't faze us at all?

I mean, we're running out of water.

There's no reaction here.

The plane goes down.

It just makes people crazy.

Terrorism makes people crazy.

I saw a headline last week.

There was ice cream kills three.

There was

some taint got into the ice cream in the Midwest.

If that was ice cream tainted by al-Qaeda kills three, we'd have passed 20 laws by now.

Isn't it like in the case of the water, nothing seems different to anybody yet?

You know, I mean,

everybody's still living, driving around, going.

Turn the faucet on, water comes up.

I feel guilty of it myself at times.

And

I know, and I don't live in California anymore, but when I come back,

that's a good question.

But

isn't it the reality that when you don't feel it yet, it doesn't seem such a threat?

But everybody gets on a plane, everybody knows that this is something that affects all of us in terms of how we get around the world, so then it becomes an immediate thing that we can react to.

And reactionary tends to be the kind of default setting for humans, it seems.

I don't know.

You need

it focuses when there are specific identifiable victims.

So a general threat that hasn't happened to anybody yet is different.

That's why the ice cream is a sort of a counterexample of that.

But generally, it's when real people can get traumatized.

And there are no weeping relatives of people who've been hurt by water shortage.

Okay, but

just today, the administration announced they're going to do something about antibiotic-resistant bacteria, which kills 23,000 people a year.

We had it out here, this CRE in the Ronald Reagan Medical Center.

Gummy started on Ronald Reagan,

having a hospital named after him.

But I mean, 23,000 people, it's just a lot more likely than a psychopilot.

And I noticed that when we have a tragedy like this, people go through these stages, and the first one is shock, and the second one is, how could it happen?

And then it's like, could CNN give it a rest, please?

And then they get to, we should never let this happen again.

And I think we have to be very wary of that one.

Yeah.

Because after 9-11, look at all the crazy, we can't let this ever happen again bullshit we did.

The Department of Homeland Security, the war in Iraq, making airline travel miserable.

All of it was crazy.

I think sometimes you just have to accept that the world's full of crazy people and they're going to do crazy things.

I think in the case of the airline, in the case of the airline, it seems like just a best practice to keep two personnel in the the cockpit at all times.

I think that's a good one.

And also, but the overreaction to create new laws, and we've got to do psych profiles on these people and invade their computers to make sure they don't get, you're not going to be able to prevent every tragedy.

And that's just putting your grown-up hands on.

What they're talking about now is a simple adjustment and something that all American airlines do already.

And I feel like if I'm getting into aluminum tube.

The problem comes in.

It's just a good idea.

I like the fact that there's somebody else.

But the reason why this one happened is because of what we put in place to do the the other way

the problem bill comes seriously when there are people with some influence who have an agenda and they are waiting for something to come along right so they can act on it the shock channel

dick cheney like the gun control people who are you talking about i'm talking about dick cheney you asked do you want an answer or you want to make it talk about it here's the answer dick cheney who seized on 9-11 right to launch an entirely unrelated war against Iraq and in fact to elevate the terrorists, terrible people, but not the existential threat to America that the communists were or the Nazis were.

And he was upset that the military budget was coming down.

So they seized on this to blow it up into a major threat.

You got the Patriot Act, which I'm proud to have voted against.

You got the war in Iraq, which I voted against.

There are people who want to do more, and they wait for something to come along so they can.

I'm so glad you brought that up because

for

fans of war, there's a new warists.

Warists.

War enthusiasts.

There's a new one in the Middle East, Yemen.

There's a war in Yemen now.

The Saudi Arabians and a big coalition, like all the Gulf states are doing it.

Pakistan is sending the Navy.

Egypt is getting involved.

Turkey said.

You know, I said on the show a few weeks ago, I said, where are the Arab nations fighting their own battles?

They heard me.

And

they went to war against the Houthis, who I'd never heard of.

These are not the Tutsis.

These are the Houthis.

And the Houthis must be like, what the fuck did we do to get the world against us?

Because nobody ever did this before.

But the Houthis are backed by Iran.

They took over the government in Yemen, and now everybody's attacking them.

And it's interesting, the LA Times headline today was, U.S.

finds itself on both sides at once in the Middle East because with the ISIS people, we're with the Iranians.

We're helping the Iranians fight the ISIS people.

But in Yemen, we're helping the Saudi Arabians.

But it's complicated because the Houthis were also against al-Qaeda.

So that was a complication.

And

the answer would be for us.

But this is a Sunni-Shiite throwdown.

Isn't this our cue to leave?

It's like when you're out with another.

You ever been out with another couple at dinner?

And they have a big fight, and you're like, okay, we'll see you on Monday.

But when you're best friends with that,

you guys have been in the middle of that fight for so long.

Yeah.

It becomes harder to extricate yourself.

And also to the point where there's an entire generation of people who have been bred to hate us for being involved in the first place who are now interested in just exacting the revenge of our involvement.

So it's so convoluted that this latest flare-up seems to be just another layer of complication.

How do we get out of it?

Arguing about...

How we got pregnant, right?

How did we get pregnant?

Well, you're pregnant.

The baby's coming.

You can't get unpregnant.

Terrorism is a fact now, and we can either deal with it now or we can deal with it later.

It's not going to happen.

I want to deal with terrorism.

We find the terrorists.

We kill them.

I'm all for that.

But getting involved in these political fights in the countries, pretending that we can make Iraq into a real country where the people in there don't want to be, is a very great difference between the people.

People want to go back in there because I think the kids don't want to.

We did that strategy in Yemen.

We just decided we're going to kill them.

And I want to stay.

Yo, we don't.

And that should do the the trick.

I think we should stay out of Yemen.

You killed them individually.

But it's also now about the terrorists that are coming from the United States and Europe and being recruited.

There are people that go there.

There aren't many in the world.

They're not quantitatively important.

Bill, I think, again, there's a broader question here.

There are people who believe that America's role is to be the leader in the world and to preserve order.

And I think the time for us to say, you know what, we want to be very strong.

We want to defend ourselves.

We'll come to the aid of some allies.

But we've been the leader for a while.

It's been very nice.

It's your turn.

Let's let somebody else be the leader.

Let's let

me the leaders.

They need to have this fight amongst themselves, the way the Christians and the Protestants did in the 60s.

There are Americans who believe.

It's going to happen.

Let them do it.

There are Americans who believe that...

And they say this, they criticize Obama.

What's Obama doing about that?

Why is it Obama's responsibility to referee these fights of people who've hated each other for a long time?

I'm sorry they do.

We can't stop it.

Do you think Obama has any responsibility, though?

And you're advocating a chaos vacuum, say, in Libya, where he sent troops in?

No, I think the, well, he has a little in Libya.

More is for George W.

Bush and Dick Cheney.

Right.

That war in Iraq is the biggest.

Who got us pregnant?

Let's stop arguing about who got us pregnant.

But why it's relevant.

Excuse me.

What are you going to do about it

now?

I have to respond.

First, you say, oh, isn't it Obama's fault?

When I responded.

You didn't say that?

Yeah, you said, isn't it Obama's responsibility for us?

I asked you if he has some responsibility for for sending for the public.

In other words, who got us pregnant, Libya?

So you're different about your pregnancy.

No, I'm pointing out that you only want to blame Bush.

Yes, I do.

Because the war in Iraq, the stupidest thing the American government ever did, the most costly and the most damaging, is a major reason why things began to deteriorate.

I'm just glad Dick.

I'm glad we've settled that.

So what do you want to do about that?

We can't

leave them to their own.

We can't settle it today.

We'll talk in five years about how great that strategy is.

Which we've left everywhere.

I'm just glad Dick Cheney isn't alive to see it.

All right.

Thank you, panel.

It's time for new rules, everybody.

New rules.

New rules, now that the University of North Georgia has put out this why follow when you can lead course guide that shows white men winning out over a woman and a black man

They have to change their name to Cracker State.

Cracker State, home of the flying mullets,

where our black studies program is our basketball team.

Oh my gosh.

New rule, before Amy's kitchen recalls all their gluten-free tofu breakfast wraps, because there may be listeria in the spinach, they have to tell us what listeria tastes like, because if it tastes good at all, I say say leave it in.

Neural, the 33-year-old Mexican woman who was arrested in a movie theater masturbating to 50 Shades of Gray

has to stop kicking my seat.

It's bad enough sitting through all these trailers without you coming soon.

Please, I'm watching a terrible movie from an illiterate book while people around me talk and text on their phones.

Don't make it disgusting.

Neurule, now that we're normalizing relations with Cuba, we have to buy them a new boat.

Although they do get props for inventing the first hybrid Chevy.

Neurule, since he's never going to be president, Ted Cruz has to enjoy this moment where he can act like he is.

How do I know you're not going to be president, Ted?

Because even your daughter is looking up at you like, really?

And finally, New Rule, don't throw the synthetic baby out with the bathwater.

Last week you may have seen that the iconic designers Dol Chain Gabbana caused a ruckus when they said that even though they're proudly gay, when it comes to how you make it to Bambino,

they're old school Italians who don't approve of what they called synthetic children, because you know synthetics, they just don't breathe like cotton.

Well, naturally, a backlash ensued, and now people are refusing to wear this shirt.

And you know what?

So am I.

But not because I'm protesting something, because I'm not Persian.

Yes, we joke about everybody here, and that's something a lot of liberals have forgotten how to do.

For folks who take such pride in their love of diversity, liberals increasingly seem to tolerate none in their own ranks.

I don't necessarily agree with Dolce and Gabbana, but what is the point of attacking people who are 95% on your side?

Give them a break.

They're from Sicily.

The same place Justice Scalia comes from.

And if you want to protest someone who doesn't support gays, start with him.

But no, it's easier to get all fake outraged over the hateful anti-gay speech of two men who bedazzled cod pieces for a living.

Ellen Martina, they were all furious.

Courtney Love said she planned to burn her Dolce Dolce and Gabbana and then breathe in the melting polyester because,

hey, you never know what might get you high.

But Dame Elton John

was the angriest of all, tweeting, How dare you refer to my children as synthetic?

My hair, yes, but not my children.

He recorded a protest song called, I Won't Let My Son Go Down on You.

Oh my god.

And called for a boycott.

Really?

You can't sell handbags now if you only agree with Elton John almost all the time.

In Syria, ISIS is throwing gay people off buildings.

Maybe there are bigger battles to fight.

We liberals always talk about how the right needs to rein in its crazies.

But the left has some crazy reining in to do too.

Unless you think I'm creating a false equivalency, I'm not.

Because on the right, unlike the left, they have actually managed to carve out a place for their crazies.

Unfortunately, that place is elected government.

All the more reason not to drive people into their arms with crazy political correctness.

For example, The Economist last week drew the wrath of the liberal website Media Matters, who said that their jalapeno flag cover was the sort of stereotype that ignores Latinos as a multifaceted community and relegates them to chili pepper consuming constituents.

Hey, Media Matters, can I say one thing to you?

Shut the fuck up.

No Hispanic looked at this cover and said, I've been wronged.

They looked at it and said, hmm, yum, jalapeno.

Look at this insane headline: college president forced to apologize after saying all lives matter.

You know what happened?

A college president sent out an email in support of the protesters in Ferguson, but said all lives matter instead of black lives matter.

And then had to apologize.

I'm sorry, I meant black lives.

Fuck all lives.

How deeply stupid has the far left become when gay designers can't get along with gay musicians, when vegans attack vegetarians for not being pure enough.

I've seen this.

Cheese eater, burn him.

I see agnostics and atheists bitching at each other.

Why is this even a thing?

Do you believe in a talking snake?

Me neither.

We're on the same team.

Okay, one more.

At Mount Holyoke this year, they canceled a production of the vagina monologues because they said it offended the transgendered by offering, quote, an extremely narrow perspective on what it means to be a woman.

Yes, we forgot all about the 0.3% of women who don't have vaginas but still want a monologue.

I'm sorry.

I love the transgendered, but if you're transgendered and you can't handle the vagina monologues, you don't need a vagina.

You're already a giant pussy.

All right, that's our show.

We're off next week.

We'll be back April 10th.

I'll be at the Bayou Music Center in Houston, May 3rd.

At the Ulster Performing Center in Kingston, New York, June 16th.

I want to thank Barney Frank, Zachary Quinto, Etsy Cup, Jay Female Eddie, and Mike Huckabee.

Join us now for Overtime Overseas on YouTube.

Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maud every Friday night at 10, or watch him anytime on HBO On Demand.

For more information, log on to hbo.com.