110: Western Doors with Dana Gould | Soder Podcast | EP 108

December 5th, that's a Friday, Vancouver, Canada. I'm going to be there.
It's close to sold out, but we're at the Vogue Theater.

Saturday, December 6th, Eugene, Oregon. I know it's the Big Ten Championship.
I hope your Oregon ducks are doing great. Off chance they're not, or the game's earlier in the day.

Why don't you come to the McDonald Theater in Eugene, Oregon? December 13th, Royal Oak, Michigan, Royal Oak Theater. I'm coming back, baby.
I'm very excited. It's the last show of the year.

We're going to have a hell of a time. December 13th, Royal Oak, Michigan.
Dansoder.com for tickets.

Don't futz around with those other websites. Go to dansoder.com, get your tickets from there, and I'll see you in Royal Oak.

And it's a true story. Because did you start in San Francisco? I started in Boston.
You started in Boston and then moved to San Francisco. Yeah.

We just start recording, by the way. Okay.
We don't do like a fancy intro. That's smart.

I just remember one day driving from LA to San Francisco, and it was a cloudless sky until I got to 19th Avenue.

And then just boom, fog.

What's the name of the fog? Carl? They have a name for it. Oh, I don't know.

Yeah,

in the Bay Area, if you could look it up, I think we've talked about this before. I think the fog's name is Carl.
And you go, oh, yeah, it's...

Yeah. Carl? Why is it Carl? I don't.
They have a reason for it, but it's so funny that the Bay Area is like,

that's like similar to like in Minnesota minnesota where it snows so much they go we just know you won't see your car until june they had to build i mean that's the thing about minnesota that they built tunnels between buildings yes because they know and and that also shows you i'm fascinated when humans live in places that it's clear we shouldn't live i lived in i went to college at the university of arizona and after like a week there you go

Without the invention of air conditioning, this doesn't work. Who stopped here and stayed?

Who was the guy that would keep going? And they're like, you're going to die? And he goes, Am I? Yeah. Or, and his name was Robert Phoenix.
Yeah, exactly.

How do we, who's who said, this is good right here? Even with like Minnesota and shit, you're like, you're hitting snow drifts that are like 15 feet and you're going like,

and that's fine. I don't know how they survive.
I literally don't know how they survived. Like

those first winters in Minnesota, I just like don't get it. But I, to your thing about seasons is what you grew up in Massachusetts.
I grew up in Colorado.

I think that's like how normal people are regulated, regulated. Where it's like, you go through the anger of the summer, then you get the crisp,

the heat of like, why are you doing what you've, you've, you've forgotten me, God. Are you burning me in this hell? Oh, you took it right to God.
Yeah, right, right.

As all things, bring it right to God.

Listen, he's the boss. I don't need red tape.

I'm not talking to a cardinal. You want to talk to the manatrons? Yeah.

Truly, if you want to know my theological perspective is that I am agnostic because of the lack of red tape.

I go, if there is a God, I want to talk to the man that I don't want to talk to five people that maybe can talk to the manager.

The layers. Yeah, the pope.
The bureaucracy. The pope is just the general manager.
He doesn't get to make any managers. Yeah, he's literally a district manager.
He's a district manager.

Where if you get him, you go, it's impressive I got the district manager. But I would like to speak to the boss.

He can't okay anything on his own. It's all going to go upstairs.

It's all Latin for my hands are tied.

It's all like, he's like, my hands are tied. I don't know.

This is just how we do things here. You know, it's so funny.

I was raised Catholic. Yeah, which was, by the way, hilarious and perfectly normal.
Oh, oh, oh, that's right. Go watch.
I should tell you this because comics don't do this enough.

Your special was recommended to me by comics, by Louis Katz, number one. Oh, that's nice.
And Dan St. Germain.
Oh, that's nice. Dan St.
Germain is like Dana Gould right now.

And then I put it on, and I was like, immediately right back. Like, oh, yeah.
Oh, okay. That's nice.

Because there's so many albums and there's so many things that I feel that there's this overwhelming thing that now we need to go back to record store mentality of my friend who has good taste said I should try this.

Sure. I put it on.
I liked it. But perfectly normal.
Fucking rips. Oh, thank you so much.
On YouTube, watch it. Dana Gould.

But watch Dana Gould. Still alive.
Still fucking. You thought he had gone full Dr.
Zayas? Nope. He's out of the makeup.
He's fucking you and your ass with jokes. Yeah, it is.

I said, I make my living the old-fashioned way. I get a monkey mask.
I fly around the country. I want prosthetics.

But

it's so funny.

Growing up Catholic. Growing up Catholic and all that stuff.

I'm as Catholic as the table. But the most

spiritual

thing that happened to me. Like, honestly, I'm not like Doug Roberts.
It was the Mr. Rogers documentary.
Oh, my God. Which you bring up.
Which is really funny. Great callback.
I don't want to ruin it.

But it was. It was just like, oh,

that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah.
Like, he's just.

He is

like,

yeah.

Whatever, however he was made. Well, you bring it up

in the special, and it's just a good point, which is he's our last good guy yes that didn't fuck anybody yes doesn't even have to be kids we don't know

you find out that they fucked other people and you go come on yeah we don't know i don't know how he did it can you be nice and not a cum gas station just pumping people fully your jizz like can you just do like a mortar gun

you just

just firing off loads into people and ruining your legacy but there is this

death star cannon

I, for some reason, in my subreddit algorithm feed, what comes up is: I'm not even a giant Sam Kinnison fan, but this Sam Kinnison subreddit comes up and they post these very interesting old clips.

I'm a sucker for comedy history. Sure, I will watch anything, old interview with Lauren Michaels, an old interview with Sam Kinnison.

I just kind of like to see how their brains work and all this stuff.

And it's around the time Sam's brain worked on cocaine. Yes.
Yeah. I think it's like, well, I think he just had a race car, but cocaine was the gas that made that car.
Yeah, I think that's well put.

I worked with him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But there was this interesting scene right after the Tammy Faye Baker thing happened, and he's talking about Jim Baker.

Now, here's what you have to understand about me and my fiancé, Katie, also from Massachusetts,

from the Great Commonwealth. We love to go on religious channels and when we get high and we watch,

there's like on Verizon Cable in New York, you can get like

super Christian networks. There's a Jewish one, there's a couple Christian ones, but Jim Baker still does a show.
God bless you. And he's just a skeleton and other people are doing the lifting.

Yeah, he's like the Frankie Valley of evangelism. That's exactly it.
Where he's like, hair, hair. He's like, God, want

to give me money. But

it's like this short documentary about Kinnison and he's mocking Tammy Faye Baker, saying like, yeah, I would switch her out. And he's like doing these jokes.

But then he has a serious interview and they go, you know, this upsets you. And he's like, well, I was raised by a preacher and I was a preacher.
He was.

And he's like, my father, we lived at the church because he didn't take donations.

And that is what struck me about the Mr. Rogers thing.
It was like, oh, there's preachers that were just like, no, I need to preach the word of God because it's what I'm supposed to do.

And it's out of the goodness of my heart. And now you have all these Joel Osteens and all the kind that are going like, well, they're just doing it to get rich.
Yeah.

My mother taught me how to shoplift when I was a kid. So we would save grocery money and then she could send it to Oral Roberts.
Great university that didn't even and his brother Anal Roberts.

I was just gonna,

that's great. The joke I was gonna make is the only college where you're not allowed to give cunalingas or blowjobs is called Oral Roberts.

If you have a name like Oral Roberts, you better be sucking and fucking like it's your job.

You better be, you better have a mouth or ass or pussy filled with jizz at all times oral roberts that sounds like a nickname that they that sounds like um when i used to watch on public access the roller derby sounded like a like a they're reading off the job assignments at the bathhouse oral roberts

and jobs mcmahon

but it always like uh oral roberts sounds like a name on like a roller derby team

where they go like that's trixie dust and oral roberts watch her send him around on the

like watch her go over the side on the roller side. And they all have that hair, that 70s haircut.
I mean, it was. It's all just like

they all hard pack their jiz until it's the center of their decision. Spackle.
Yeah. It just backs up.
It's black mold for their brain. White mold.
White mold.

Well, some would say it's almost a liquidy mother of pearl. Yeah, it is.
No, it, I mean, it's amazing. And I

get

the, and again, I grew up, my mom was a.

Saying my mom was raised Irish Catholic, but my mom was diss got married after college and then divorced, so they discommunicated her.

Oh, well, no, my mother was not, my mom was from, I'm from Massachusetts. My mom was in the South, and my mom was evangelical Christian.
Okay. And she was

super

like praying to the praying with the TV, hands on the TV screen,

grabbing snakes. Yeah, yeah, the whole thing.
Speaking of tongues. yeah.
I mean, I'm gonna tell you right now, if you wanna get kids in religion, that's the way to go.

Yeah, handle some snakes, yep, make up your own language.

Yeah, exactly. She's fucking, you were babbling like a baby five years ago.
What's a snake? Give me the snake religion. Take the good stuff, leave the bad stuff,

bring the snakes.

But so, when your mom, so

Catholicism to her is but yeah, but it was all, yeah, but it was all always that money. And like,

you know, it was so insane and the fact that she taught you to steal so she could give money yeah to a guy that said he was talking to god and yeah and had a helicopter and who had a helicopter and also was telling you not to steal like the cycle of that of you going i need you steal baby oral roberts needs five dollars and then he's going if you steal you will burn yeah give that five dollars it's amazing no it it's like you can't make it up yeah it's so it's so I've been,

but there was the thing about Mr. Rogers.
He didn't want your money. Yeah.
Who's PBS?

By the way, he went to argued with, that's a great clip online. You can watch where he goes to talk.
He's a shape.

And the senator goes like, oh, shit. Yeah.
Like, by the end of it, he goes, yeah, well. Mr.
Rogers, you just confirmed that I'm going to give this money.

They attack him in that documentary. He's attacked it by this conservative commentator because he says that every child is special.

And they believe that that is the beginning of the downfall of culture. And basically what he's just saying is like, kids need to know that they deserve to be loved.
Yes. That's not a bad thing.

A lot of the reason, a lot of the problems we have right now is because people can't look inward and go, I deserve love. And like you start losing things when you lose that.
You lose accountability.

You learn

empathy is not that empathy is not a weakness.

I hate to quote Morris.

Yeah, do it.

God, we're gonna cry we're gonna just do full it's easy but this is like it's easy to laugh it's easy to hate it takes guts to be gentle and kind that's and and it's true and it's it's hard you know i get

you know a lot of christian conservative commenting conservatism in general offers

simple solutions great to complex problems great I get the appeal. Yeah.
And it's always that guy. Yeah.
It's never you. Well, you're that guy.

One of my favorite elements of stand-up comedy that I always loved were when jokes are, what about for his perspective?

And then it's like the funniest thing is to think like when we did the bonfire, Big J and I did a whole thing about what if the cop would have helped Rambo?

What if instead of driving him, what about instead of driving him out, he invited him over for dinner.

And he talked about the Vietnam War. Then you're not getting your whole town wrecked by a green beret.
Brian Denny, he played my dad on a pilot. And he would, yeah, he was

awesome. That cup was pretty close to reality.

Like, Brian was one of these guys. You can go in his dressing room and he's just sitting there under a bear light bulb reading like the biography of Stalin.

Warm cup of water and a potato.

If you want to smoke, you smoke a cigar.

Why'd you take the lamp off the light? It's harsher this way. Yeah, the light lets me know it's here.
But he made me look like a great actor because

I just had to be there. I just had to be

sorry. Let him terrify me.
Being around great great actors is the closest you'll ever get to playing basketball with NBA players. Yeah.

Where you go, so you can do all of it and I just have to give it to you. Yeah.
And then you just give it to me. And I bounce it a couple times and I give it right to you.
And then you'll dunk.

I just stand there and react to you and I look just as good. And this is unbelievable.
You're doing nothing. Yeah.
And you are flying through the air. Yes, dunking this thing.

And I go, like, I gave it to him. Yeah.
Yeah. Brian Denahy in that movie.
But that is like the whole point of like one of my favorite things.

What if he helped him?

Like in stand-up, it's it's like that was my favorite thing when I was watching, when I would watch it, when they would play it all the time on Comedy Central, everywhere, you know, late 80s, 90s, comedy boom.

It was on TV all the time. And I always loved that as a kid because I wasn't hearing that anywhere else.
I wasn't hearing, oh, empathy.

You would hear empathy as like, try to, what are they, it was, honestly, it felt a little gay. Sure.
They're like, oh, I'm going to feel for you. I want you to feel for this.

And comedy was the first thing you go, it's actually kind of funny if you think about it from their perspective. And you go, hey, Hey, that is that's really funny.
And I love that.

It's even the joke that you had that I love in Perfectly Normal is when you're talking about being a um, when you go out to eat with vegetarians and you said that you eat steak, and the guy goes, Do you like that they kill the cow?

You go, I love my brother, but I don't watch my parents fuck because it's that's a perspective you don't think about.

Yeah, and that's again, it's you don't have to drag everything back to the point that it's awful.

Exactly. The other thing I like to do sometimes is to make the

point by strenuously

to argue their point by making their point too well yes um yeah were you over analyzing

it to the point where you go like yeah because i i find like when you go on the road and you need to do bit sometimes you need to inoculate the audience a little bit yeah like i don't mention any politicians by name or anything like that but i talk about Like, well, my brother or my uncle, and you point to somebody in your family that has that opinion.

And that was, because it's really good at talking about his brother. That's always been what politics before this what this current yeah thing where they make so much money off

and that's all it's just this is money somebody said gosh i wish i knew who it was i was talking to two days ago um rage conflict entrepreneurs yeah that's all it is it's rage baiting yeah it's rage baiting i can't even go on yeah i can't even look online for like two minutes and it and it it's also if if you want to take it further it's the same as like a lot of what these pharmaceuticals do where it's we're going to treat the problem, we're not going to cure the problem.

So we'll give you an argument that you can take into the world, but we're not going to fix the problem. We're not going to show you that maybe you're both wrong.
You know what I mean?

It's like, sure, sure, sure. I was always interested in the fact of the thing, especially because I grew up with like the kind of guys I grew up with where you go, oh, you're

like, all these guys are like, you're showing emotion. Oh, you're sad for that.
Oh, that's so fucked. Oh, you're dancing.
What are you, gay or whatever?

And it's like, well, I think trying to impress other men might be gayer.

I think dancing with my wife might be fun and I'm actually having a time with a woman or showing my emotions to a woman is probably opening intimacy.

I think if I stop doing that because I'm worried about what a guy that works on a farm in Indiana thinks, that sounds like I want to fuck the guy that works on the farm in Indiana.

Goldwaite has the, Goldthwaite and I have very similar upbringings. Yeah.

He's Massachusetts as well, right? He's upstate New York. But it's just middle of Massachusetts, upstate New York, same thing.
Yeah, New England. Gun racks, camo hoodies.
Yeah.

Both of us were thought to be gay by our parents and older siblings because we did not want to go hunting. There you go.
Both of us. And as Bob says, this is Bob's joke.
He was like,

you're the one getting up at six in the morning to huddle together in the woods and matching outfits. That's very, I mean, it's perfect.
And you know what's funny is I always, I did the opposite.

Like I always revered the guys that were like, I'm not doing that. I don't want to do that.
I always, I'm a people pleaser. So I always was like, I'll go along with it.
And then I wasn't good at it.

And then you feel 10 times worse because they go, you're gay if you don't do this, but you're even worse if you do it and you suck. Now you're a loser and you're like, I can't fucking win.

And the winning is going, I don't, I don't fucking do that. And it's all

here's the here's the thing.

It's all

fear

of

change. Yeah.
Whatever it is. Yeah.
Fear of change. And by the way.

And I'll tell you right now, I have my life, I've been horrible with fear of change. Of course, as have I.

As have I. It's hard as shit.
Yeah. It's also scary.
It's also. There's a great line about

John N. Twistle, the basis for the who,

once said, like in an interview, I don't get rap. I don't like rap.
Yeah.

And Pete Townsend said, it's not our job to like it. It's our job to get out of the way.
Yeah.

That's the perfect way of putting it. And that's just, yeah.
And if I don't, I don't understand something,

I don't like, like, I was talking about my brother. Like, my, my brother

does not like trans people. Yeah.
Well, you know, I mean, I was never met one. I have a theory about this.
He's never met one. I, you know, I don't, I don't like it.
I don't get it. And he's like,

I've solved your problem. Yeah.

Don't pay attention to it. Yeah, you don't have to.
It's not in your face. You don't have to deal with it.
This is the problem with the internet, though.

It's every like the way society used to work was if it was in your face, it was a problem, and you dealt with it. And a lot of the times it was in your face.

So it's like the way when you live in New York City, the age-old joke is you can't be racist because you'd be too tired. Because it is true.

Like everyone's made that joke stand-up-wise, but it is like I lived in Astoria, which was Greek, but I also had a huge Muslim. pop.
I lived, I lived next to a mosque for 15 years.

So I'd watch their kids or whatever. I had a joke in my HBO special about being stoned and my window slammed by accident and a Muslim woman was with her kid.

And I was like, great, now they think I'm anti-Islamic. I'm anti-I'm

anti-Islam. You know, I'm like, I hate them.
And in reality, it was just that my fucking window slammed. It was like a window slammed shut, yeah.

It was a shitty apartment in Queens, and it was like stuck. But it's like when you're not, I have friends that are from Colorado that are sweethearts.
They're like genuinely good people. Sure.

And I was with them recently with my friend's wife, who's a sweetheart. And there was a woman in a hijab, and she was like, uh-oh.
And you're like, well, I don't think you're Islamophobic.

I just don't think you've been around people.

Yeah, yeah. You've just never been around Muslims.
So you're like, oh, all you see is what Fox News or CNN or what all these rage baiters feed you. Yeah.

And you're like, you don't know them. I like, here's something I don't like.

Cat puke. Yeah.
And I have I have three daughters and a wife. They all have a cat.
I went from zero cats to four cats in a month. Yeah.

And every morning, I'm the first guy up between my bedroom and the coffee maker. There's going to be a puddle of cat puke.
It's just the nature of cat puke. The way they do it.

Right.

Exactly. But you know what I do when I see it? I get a Lysol wipe that I now buy in bulk.
I wipe it up. I put it in the garbage.

I then don't get on Facebook and log into my cat puke update awareness group,

photograph it, file it, cross-reference it, this is what I post them.

They don't want to fix the problem.

They're there to like

go to your subreddit and then someone's making money off you going cat puke and they go, I heard they're going to make you eat cat puke. Yeah, exactly.

I heard if they get the fucking government going, you got to eat cat puke. And it's like, dude, I don't care.

Also, people get mad when you say that, but it could be the truth where you go, it doesn't affect me. I don't care.
Also, nine times out of ten, like

threads are like, freedom-loving mom isn't real. Yeah.

You know, it's just, it's just software that's engagement, getting you engagement.

They're very good at marketing has reached a level now where I think us in society, we're hip to how they market now, where you go, oh, they put that drink in the movie because that drink gave the movie money.

Right. So we, we all know that now.
We're in the 80s or 90s. We had no idea.
Yeah. You're like, Pepsi, I like Pepsi.

It's in Back to the Future 2. And you're like, I've got Pepsi in the future.
You have no idea that they're giving Miramax or whoever. This is the most egregious one, and I just remember it.

I barely know how to tie my shoes. I'm not going to tell you how to run a business.
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because it was so egregious in Moonraker. Yeah.

Shout out James Bond.

A building collapses. Sure.
But a 7-up cooler is sacrosanct. There you go.
Right in the center. Yeah.

He's like, if you ever get a tummy ache, I don't know if that's Roger Moore or Connery, but he's like, if you get a tummy ache, I always have a 7-up.

I'd like a 7-up in a Raspberry Ties.

Smucker around a little bit.

When that clip of Connery came out, you're like, damn, it was just popping women in the mouth. One of my favorite Bond movies is Diamonds Are Forever because it's when he starts to look like your dad.

Like, you couldn't look like that in an action movie now because of this gun shit. Like, I'm going to stop it.
And you're like, you're not even going to mow the lawn, you fat fuck. Excuse me, darling.

Are you finished with those potatoes? But I think marketing now has gotten so good. If you don't eat your vegetables, we won't go to the ball.

But I think marketing now has to evolve because we've caught up to knowing product placement, knowing all that shit. So now they're on a different level where they're throwing problems.

And they're like, come over here and we'll fix it. And you think it's a societal problem, but really they're just marketing it.

And it's, yeah, and I do think, I don't know where it goes, but apocalypse. Maybe.
I mean,

everyone's furious because we're fed

conflict because it engages you. And it's hopefully

we evolve past it. I don't know if we, I think what will happen is there will be an answer the way that your generation to your parents went, smoking in hospitals isn't smart.
And they went,

that sounds gay and then they were like smoking during delivery is probably not advisable on an airplane it's just a tube maybe you don't

do you remember uh when you could smoke on a plane yeah i flew very young my parents got divorced when i was very young and i would fly from i'd fly alone from denver to san francisco on united and i remember there being a smoking section yeah and it was actually i think it was first class like you could smoke in first class and then they'd like hit a thing i remember the back of the plane also and it would just open that curtain it was just like this

like London in the 1800s. I remember looking in the thumb, the ashtray in the arm and seeing butts.
And you still see the ashtrays on the back of the bathroom doors sometimes.

Yeah, because they're like, they would just be like, you could smoke on a plane. So I think

I think we're at the level where your daughters or like my niece, she's two years old, she'll go, oh, well, social media is horrible for the human brain. And we're going to go, what?

We're doing it all the time. And they go, well, it really fucked you guys up.
And you're like, oh, yeah, it really did.

I mean, the amount of people going crazy right now tells me we're going to have to do something. And with AI, it will get worse.
That's what I mean. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but we missed the rapture today.

That was supposed to happen. I don't know how you guys are feeling about this, but we weren't rapturing today.
It would be weird if Blondie died today. Yes.
If Blondie died today, you go. Did she rap?

Did she rap into the rapture?

That's one of my favorite things,

no matter how divided this country is,

is when the religious nuts do either the Mayan calendar, 2012, the rapture, because then what it does for the rest of us is we go, look at these fucking sure. You know what I mean?

Like, we're in a very tense time right now,

especially after the Charlie Kirk with the Kimmel stuff, all this very tense stuff. Everyone's very tense.
And then there's a group going, the rapture's on Tuesday. And everyone goes, shut up.

Shut up.

You wish. Shut the fuck up.

I used to play Pop Warner football. I was horrible at football.
My football team was horrible. We lost 116 to 0 one game.
We would get crushed. Sure.
Week in and week out. My mom would bring a

her and her boyfriend would bring a thermos pitcher of rum and coke and they would watch us get

abs because we could walk to the park. We'd just get blown out.
One time we're losing 42 to nothing at halftime. And I was like,

come on, everyone's very bummed out. And I go, come on, guys.
If they can score that much, we can score that much. And someone goes, shut the fuck up, Soder.

And I felt like one of those rapture people in that moment where I brought the team together through my stupidity of going like, I'm a leader.

There's a clip online of a kid getting barked down like that. And I identify with that kid.
And he's like, come on, guys. And someone goes, shut up.
And he goes, yeah.

It's just like sometimes we need the real stupid stupid people to say some stupid shit. So the rest of us collectively go, I know if shit's hot out there, right now,

what the fuck? It's not that bad. Like people making videos where they're going,

this is my last video. Oh, one woman that I saw, my favorite video I saw where she was like, here's a little tip.
Like she's done it before. She goes, here's my little tip.
Keep looking up.

Don't look down. And don't hold on to anything.

And you're like,

people that blow my mind are people that act, number one, afterlife specialists.

You were there for five seconds. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
I died on the operating table. Now it's my whole personality.
I go and I give these lectures.

Here's the five people you meet in heaven. Shut the fuck up.
Your brain was off. It got rebooted.
I went to heaven. It's all ghosts.
It's terrifying.

And it's hot. It's humid.
It's like an indoor pool. And it's all the sheets.
We all wear sheets. Sheets.
They don't breathe. You don't want to take them off.

And let me tell you this.

God is rude. I like to say it like super ghost.
By the way, I'm going to say this right now. For this Halloween, I want to see a return of the sheet ghost.
Sheet ghosts.

Haven't seen a lot of sheet ghosts. Cut these.
I would like to see some sheet ghosts. Or put the black.
Yeah. Hold on.
People in the South. I know you have sheets with high holes in them.

Bring them out. Smooth out the top.
Smooth out the top.

Round the top. And then

have it.

This is my favorite thing, if I may. Yeah.

I've said this on stage, so I'm cheating. Yeah, it's okay.
But

it came as a feeling first, and then I brought it to the stage, and now it's still my feeling. Sure.

When you see an old photo of a Klansman in the full outfit. Yes.
And he's with a horse. Yeah.
And the horse is also in the outfit. Love it.
I love that there was a lot of measuring involved. Yeah.

They had to have a tailor. Yeah.
23 inches, nose to ear. It's the same as like Michelle Wolf used to have a fantastic joke about ISIS that someone made the flag.

Like someone had to be like,

it was their Betsy Ross. And they're like,

hold on. I got it.

Let it out.

Let it out, girlfriend.

It is.

I love any sort of, it's always, it's like

the Nazis. They were like, they picked Hugo boss.
Oh, yeah. No,

we need to look. Yeah.
We need to look sharp as shit. Yeah.
And you're like, okay, great. Adolph loves Hugo.
Yeah, it is. It is.
It is.

There always is this gay element of evil that James Bond villains did very well. Very, very well.
They always did the very like, I know, no. And Nehru, they worked that Nehru jacket.

Like nobody's been.

And they're like, I don't even know.

I've always wanted to say this to you because you

have been instrumental in.

like several murders several murders and we have the families here no but like you worked on the simpsons I did. Which I think is rad.
I think that's like one of the coolest credits of all time.

It's a good one. Yeah.
I'm not going to lie. And you worked on The Simpsons in the era of like

it wasn't like Simpsons now. I love them.
I still think The Simpsons are magical, but I think they should have been put out.

It's cyclical. I think The Simpsons is always best when you were at your peak of watching it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes. And, but this brings up something else that does that, which is SNL.
Yeah.

And you gave a speech at 2014 just for laughs yes that i recommend to comedians

uh it's transcribed oh gosh it's transcribed on a on a website and i tell people stand-up comics young stand-up comics

a lot of my friends or maybe comics not young might not be the right word comics that aren't doing

great sure but are working yeah I give them that speech. Yeah, you're doing it now is the pronunciation.

Which is you talk about auditioning for SNL, the plane ride back how good your set went how you're like i'm gonna fucking get it and then you don't get it and as i i went through the same thing in 2014 where i screen tested didn't get it and it's weird to explain to people the spin out that you feel because you get close and then you don't get it and then you feel worse than if you would have never auditioned 100 yeah it's worse that you get close you get close and you go great i go to the olympics but i'm not even on the podium yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um i don't know if I mentioned this on that speech, but it's true.

So like I audition with two other guys and we're flying back. Yeah, you did talk about that.

So, and I'm looking at the other two guys on the plane thinking, Adam said, look, Chris Rock, you'll have your turn.

This is all about me.

So years later, I'm married. My wife is an executive.
She goes to New York.

has dinner with Chris Rock for some reason, comes back and says, you know that story you tell about auditioning for Saturday Night Live? I said, yeah. She goes, It's true.

What do you mean? She goes, I had dinner with Chris Rock. He told the same exact story.
I'm your husband. Why did you think I lied?

Do you think I've been lying at every party we've been at for 10 years? Do you think this is just a lie that I'm like, hey, baby, play along, escape it?

This is Chris Rock.

What do you think of me?

I have that feeling with childhood friends when they are with me and someone like Colin Quinn goes, Dan, they go, you know, Colin Quinn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've told you this.

I've told you I know David Tell. Have you ever had something happen to you? And then you ask yourself, did I dream that? Or is that real? Yeah, I had,

there was a couple moments like that working on billions where I would be in the room with someone and I'd be like, did that really happen? Did I really talk to the guy that shorted Enron? Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just in a casual conversation.
Yeah. Because

you tell it to someone and you go, I would think I was making this up. Yeah, sure.
Like if you told me that, I'd be like, oh, yeah, that that sounds made it up.

There was one, and I had to have this confirmed by somebody. There was a cable access show out here in the early 90s called Colin's Sleazy Friends.
Love it.

There was a 2020 video store on Ventura Boulevard in Studio City.

The video guy was managed by this guy, Colin Malone. Okay.
And he was around like

Bob and David and me and Janine and Kathy Griffin, that social group.

He was around.

I think our friend Laura Milligan or our friend Jerry. Which, by the way, is like insane because that's like a lot of people.
If you're a comedy nerd,

casually, you're talking about one of the all-time crews. We're talking pre-show

Bob Odin. Yeah, yeah, just Raw.
Janine Grofflo, one of my all-time crushes, who still, when I see her in New York, I get weird. Because Janine Grofflo, like, is the reason I like...

She was my number one. Her and Sarah Silverman were like two of my biggest.

I've known Janine since she went to Brown. And

she was Daria. Everybody, yeah, she was Daria.
And everybody was Daria. Everybody loved, you know, everyone always loved you.

But I remember like your group specifically were, were, this is so funny because you were coming of age when I was like 10 years old and figuring out that I loved comedy. Sure.

So then it's like one of those things where you dive in and you go like, oh, you don't know David Cross. Oh,

you, you found out about Patton Oswald because of his HBO half hour. It's like the way we were with SC yes yes because we weren't the big the huge people no it was the niche weirdos

you guys were in in a sense the alt the beginning of alternative comedy yeah

you guys were you guys were in la for sure yeah it wasn't the club sleeves up i'm gonna do sylvester stallone getting a colonic no you guys were like talking about where you're going like oh

it was me janine and colin yeah that's nice at a bookstore on beverly boulevard called Big and Tall Books. Yeah.
Yeah.

And there was one other guy, but it was basically me, Janine, and Colin. But anyway.

Sorry to nerve it. No, no, no.
No, it's hard to do.

It was one of those things where

I knew all the players you're talking about, and I'm very excited about it all. It was one of those things where everybody had the same idea at the same time.

You know, and if it wasn't me, it would have been somebody else. Yeah, it was very similar to how the Creak in the Cave was for me.
It was like all of us were coming up at the Creek in the Cave.

Or Nirvana,

Nirvana, and Soundgarden all coming up in the world.

It's the same thing.

So Colin's sleazy friends and Colin was around and Colin had this K-Alexa show where he would, because he was really in the porn world and he would have, and one day, I just

sidebar, you know, the old, one thing the internet has deprived people of is the first time you're of age to walk through the western doors into the porn section.

Yeah, you got a six shooter, but you got something that can shoot six bullets. And those doors go, shame,

shame,

shame. And the first time you go through through and it bumps you on the way back and you go, I should get out of here.
I'll get out of here. But my God, your heart's in your throat.

I'm standing there. A guy comes out of the porn section.
Two, the Twin Towers. This is back when we still have the World Trade Center.
Yeah.

Two, like nine video stacks of porn.

Taxis, Jeff Conaway.

Oh, my God. He was getting ready to make the scene in an apartment.

So Colin had this show where he would, you would go on the show and he would interview basically comedians, musicians and porn stars right

this happened i've had this confirmed okay

i am sitting on a beanbag chair next to lemmy from motorhead yeah the ace of spades himself ron jeremy is sitting next to colin and a woman is sitting on ron jeremy's lap filleting a dildo okay

i turn to lemmy and say casually, I've had this dream before, but there was a hobbit in it.

And he said, without blinking, there weren't beanbag chairs in Middle-earth.

What a fuck.

By the way, by the way, and I was like, I had to go, like,

did I dream that? And my friend Ken Daly was with me. He goes, no, that was, I was there.
That absolutely happened. I was like, okay, I think that was, yeah, no, good for Lemmy.
Yeah, Lemmy.

He was like, there weren't no beanbag chairs in Middle Earth. Exactly.
He's that with a mole.

He's this, Atlas is blowing up Dillo. That's a butt plug.

Oh, man. That's, dude, that is

there's something that happened to me. Yep, I'm here.
Yeah.

I mean, that is a nap dream. That's so funny to say that because there were no beanbags in Middle Earth, but it's getting those cold months, which means foods.

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Something that I think comics lost in the podcast boom and the comedy boom since like 08, since everything blew up, was how much closer to porn stars we are than we actually are.

Oh, yeah, comics are just porn stars without the dignity. It really is.
They can perform, we can't. Like, they do something way harder, which is stay hard on front of a camera and versus crunches

and calisthenics. Yeah, they get to be healthy.
Yeah, they live healthy and eat right.

No, we're all carnies. That's exactly it.
Yeah, we're all carnies. And that's the thing that I always love is like, because my generation now is a little bit older.

We're in our 40s and we're so used to the comedy boom since 08 that we go, we're truth. You know, you get a lot of guys like, we're truth tellers.
And you're like, we are carnival barkers. Yeah.

At best. Yeah.

We are the bearded lady. We are in the evolutionary ladder, an evolutionary chain of show business where like opera stars and

ballet stars are at the front. We are right in front of the guy that puts the condom on the donkey.
Yes. And even him, he probably has a better five minutes than a lot of people I know.

I would listen to a podcast of him talking about Donkey Come before half of the podcast that get millions of views. Donkey Come Town still.

Donkey Come Town would be Nick Mullen and the guy that

did that ran donkey shows. By the way, I think that would be the only thing Nick would want to do now.
If I talked to Nick, he'd be like, can you get the, can you actually sign that up?

always thought it was, I always thought it was funny

that they were like, come town? Yeah, no, that's it. Yeah.
We'll go with that. Well, I'll tell you, because this is, this is my comedy history that I can share with you.

Nick was featuring for me in Boston at Laugh Boston, and we were driving back to New York. I remember this conversation exactly.

We're driving back, and he's like, I'm going to start a podcast with Adam and Stav. And I was like, oh, yeah.

And he goes, yeah, the only reason I want to do it is I want to make the logo look like come.

And that's it. That was the only bit that he wanted.
That was all he had. He just wanted to make the logo look like cum.

And then, so when I found out they were calling it Cumtown, I went, well, that's a little on the nose, don't you think? But he was like,

Bob Rafelson, who directed Five Easy Pieces and produced the TV show The Monkeys,

among other things, he, the first monkeys movie that they produced is called Head. That's the name of the movie.

And the reason it's called Head is because they wanted their next movie to say, from the the producers that gave you head. That's great.
That's great. That's just fun.
That's just fun.

And they should let us do stuff like that. HBO fought me so hard in 2019 because I wanted to call my special butt munch.

And they were like, I could see them not doing it.

It was arguing with you. I know all those.
Yeah. They were like, absolutely.
They were being nice, but they were being very diplomatic. And like,

well, is there anything else he's excited about?

Please tell me who it was. It was, but they kept being, they kept trying to be diplomatic about it.

And they were like, if you want to go there. I don't know if you want to call it button.
And then I was getting mad about it. And Brian Six and I were sitting in the helium.

What about mutt bunch? That's what I thought. I thought mutt bunch.
Right. And then I thought, no, because in the joke, I had a thing where I said when kids were little, they'd go, butt munch.

And then I grow up and I go, oh, I do eat ass. So it does, I am a butt munch.
But they were like, no, no, no. And then I got mad at them.

And I was like, either we're going to call it butt munch or I'm going to call it

dance odor columbine to the electric shootaloo.

And they were like, no.

They were like, I tried to give them a red herring and they were like,

the shootaloo. And they were like, absolutely not.
And that was my manager at the time went, come on, dude. Like, give me something else.
And I was like, fine, whatever.

Call it after the fucking Edinburgh show. I don't give a shit.

But yeah,

Columbine 2 Electric Shootaloo. And I said the poster would be me and Shane, like Eric and Tim

with the fucking Tim, Eric Harris and Dylan Clebold with the fucking. I just saw

Tim in that movie, Him.

Oh, is he? Yeah, he's very good in it. And did you like it? No.
Okay. No.

I mean, I like that. We're talking about the new Marlon Wayans movie where they take it.
Marlon's great in it. I've heard that.
He's really the best part.

I've heard visually it's horror. I love horror movies.
I'm a big.

I get scared. I don't get scared ever.

I just

felt that it got away from them. I went to see it with my kid at the drive-in.
I got very excited because they marketed it from the mind of Jordan Peele. Yeah.
She's a producer.

He didn't direct or write it. And it's like kind of like, oh,

from the production deal of Jordan Peel. Yeah, it's like in comic books where they go like, Superman's going to be in this issue.
And then he stops to go, talk to my friend this.

And you go, ah, fuck, damn. Or when I was a kid, Superman would come in and sell you a hostess fruit pie at the back page.
And you go, this is why he's sticking around. Hulk loved cherry pie.

Hulk, calm down. Bruce don't like cherry pie.
Hulk, do.

It was one of the funniest little weird cartoon. I've never seen a cartoon in the New Yorker that I've laughed at, except maybe for this one.

And it's at a psychiatrist's office, and he's lying on the couch, and the psychiatrist goes, We know Hulk Smash. The question is, why Hulk smashed? It's very fun.
That is very fun.

And yeah, that is, that's again, that's like an angle of a thing of like, oh, yeah, Bruce Banner would probably be in therapy. Yeah.
And you don't have empathy.

You don't have empathy with like superheroes. Lois Lane would be dead after fucking Clark Kennedy.
Yeah, Mall Rats made that.

Kevin Smith perfectly nailed that in Mall Rats where I believe it's Jay and Silent Bob are talking about that.

And he says it would go through her back like a shotgun blast. Like if he came in her.
I think that's what Jay says. He said it would be like a 12 gauge through her back,

which is like perfect. She couldn't handle it.
That was one of the things that I loved when I first read Garth Ennis's The Boys before the television show.

When I first read The Boys, Boys, the thing that made me go like, oh, was they were going, soups can't fuck humans. Don't kill them.
And then they had the

full book of them on the island where they have like the hedonism thing where they fuck and they like just send hookers for the flash to fuck and kill. And you're like, that is how

it would be. That's always what I've liked about Garth Ennis.

Is that he does this thing where he takes a real thing that has never been in comic books before.

Like he did Punisher Born, which is just a single issue Punisher, but it's the best Punisher because it's not Punisher going, the mafia killed my family. Now I gotta punish them.

It's not like that on the nose.

He does a whole thing where Frank Castle is in Vietnam and he's on this hill and the Viet Cong are swarming him and he says like you get me out of this God and I will be your instrument of punishment.

And then that's how you get it where you go, oh yeah, this is like that would be a war vet. It's why I liked Rambo.
Right, right, right. Yeah, a war vet would snap.

Well, that was the thing that drove me crazy in the, in the Tim Burton Batman, when they made Joe chill the Joker. Yeah.

Because he wasn't. He's just a gangster.
Right. And it changed it from young,

by the way, this conversation is the leading cause of vaginal dryness. Oh, don't worry.
Our ladies clocked out well a long time ago.

Their lady are running together like two pieces of toast you find out

still on the plate around dinner time. They subscribe to my Patreon Patreon where they sit on a subwoofer and I just go, oh yeah, like somebody rubbing two croutons together.

Very rubbery vaginas right now.

What happened was it changed

his

Bruce Wayne's theory to this happened to me. It will never happen to another child.
Sure. To I'm going to get revenges.
Yeah, revenge. Batman isn't revenge.
And it wasn't about revenge.

It was like, I'm not going to let this happen to any other child. Yeah.
And they don't, and

that's like the thing about comic books that i always have loved it's like it brings up nerd debate in a way where it's not

i think from the outside looking in you go holy shit that's the nerdiest thing ever but then if you get into it you go these are actually like very good points that you're just arguing i'm a i'm a big star trek guy and the other day my wife walked through the room i was on the phone i was texting somebody and i was literally saying

that class of enterprise did not have a holodeck yeah that's great That's like when Katie will catch me talking about pro wrestling with like St.

Germain or something, and I'll go, listen, I think Eddie Guerrero does the triple German suplexes better than anybody, but you just have to give it to Chris Benoit. What's Crisp in the ring?

And she's just like, Jesus Christ. It is, it's comic book nerdem and pro wrestling nerdem dry up vaginas sure.
Yeah, but

if you're all out of comic book nerdem, I recommend professional.

I do like that they cross-pollinate. Yeah, they do.
And there's also, there's a thing that

going back to what you and Bobcat talk about, about how you had these families that wanted you to hunt and you just said no because you knew who you were.

I found it incredibly like useful when I finally met pro wrestling fans that were like, I'm not afraid to talk about it. I like it.
Oh, yeah. And you go, oh, it is.

Honestly, I know it's way different, but it there has to be some similarity to like, if you're a closeted gay and you see a gay name and out and you go i want to be like that well you know that's really interesting which is just expressing who you are i have one of the things i started doing this year is uh because i do this dr z thing yeah i've been doing dr zaeus live which look it up it's

yeah it's a pretty and good luck not thinking of the simpson song when they did the planet which by the way i had nothing to do with which is crazy i know but i um for a while i think i thought of that yeah i know it's a pretty dr zaeus dr zaeus pretty obvious connection but no um but i'm doing conventions Sure.

I got these things called GalaxyCon. Yeah.
And it's been, it's, the people are great. It's so great.

It's been just a beautiful experience. And we were in

Saul, Utah, someplace. Salt Lake City.
Salt Lake City.

And it was a, you know, it was the first year there, and it was a costume contest. And basically, every weirdo in Utah was in the same building.
They've been waiting on it. Yeah.

And I felt that like they

so needed this. Yeah.
And they were together and they were furries and Star Trek people and cosplayers. And

I kind of like dig, I was Dr. Z doing like a thing at the costume, judging this costume competition, but I did, did a version of that stand-up special.

It was like, when people call you weird, you say, yes, I am. Yeah.

Yeah. I have seen what passes for normal and I don't care for it.
Yes. And they went crazy.
It was like, yeah, no,

you need this. Yeah, there's strength in numbers.
People need the outlet. People need to be around, which is also like,

it's funny because you want to talk about empathy. And a lot of times people don't empathize with a lot of the far-right MAGA guys, which is in a way, they found their Comic-Con.
Absolutely.

They found their red hat and they're like, bro, I love America. And they're like, I love America.
And they're like, you're not fucking

and then you have all these people that aren't in it if you're not in the maga movement you go like look at the fucking you go you guys are doing it again you're doing the thing that you did to comic book nerds or wrestling fans or anybody and gay people and where you go like everybody everybody

just wants to be a part of something just let them be a part of it and then the second that you you don't give it credit is the second you give it more power because then they go well then i'm gonna fucking really you know right like that's really true that's really true that's really true.

And no one gives them that credit because no one wants to do empathy. Because, dude, I have, listen,

I have family from the Bay Area. I have family from Colorado that's very conservative.
As far as the political spectrum goes, I got everybody in my family.

The one thing I've noticed is, is with like...

like especially MAGA movements not giving them that like yeah cool whatever man and diffusing it is what makes it worse in any situation look at like you look at like

what makes it worse like if when you go like shut the up you guys are crazy get the out of here you call them crazy and they go like well then you right but if you just go yeah whatever like because my family has the full spectrum in the sense that it has me and everyone else and that's the full spectrum

but that that's almost weirder because i well not weirder i would almost say that's but i get along with everybody but because you can get you can like bring your perspective and go well if i like this this is like yeah well just like they it's it's literally and i have a friend who says this it's really true, he's a political consultant.

Sure.

A Republican political consultant who, in his words, got kicked out of the Republican Party for failing to renounce algebra. Yeah.

Yeah, which is, that's also a problem where you go, guys, we still need to learn our

three R's. We've gone from

I'm right, you're wrong. Yeah.
To I'm right, you're evil. Yeah, you f ⁇ kids.
Yeah, and that's

what we've got to.

It's so broken. It's profitable.
It's very profitable. That's the problem.
There's too much money, but you gotta let go of it because the second you like sit with them and you go, oh, you're not like

I have like I have family that like go to the rallies and shit and then we hang out and I and it's never brought up and you go, you know, I would never even know.

But it's almost like imagine being like, this is always what interests me when we talk about Oral Roberts and stuff.

You have all these Pentecostal preachers that are like homosexuality and they always get caught fucking dudes.

Yes, always because they don't don't let it out yeah just let out your nerd shit or let out whatever you're holding on to dude trust me in the age of the internet you will find somebody that is into your shit

like just fucking let it rip yeah and here's the thing

you see at these you see a good deal of furries and i

don't get it no but i also skin on skin feels great i can't imagine what mascot suit on mascot suit feels like the perfect example but none of my business, by the way. None of my business.

I'll tell you right now. God bless them.
If putting on a foxtail, if putting a butt plail

in my butt made me rock hard, go. Welcome to my foxtail closet.
Yeah, go. I have a little fucking spin thing, like a tie design with different butt plugs with foxtails on it.

Oh, foxtail rag. Oh, foxtail rag.
Moves those foxtails from side to side.

Put in my foxtail. Can I get mucked? But like, dude,

like, to me, the thing is in the age of what we're in right now, there's something for everybody. So stop trying to act like yours is better than it is.

Yeah, and just you just got to go like, like the way that I'm into like wrestling or like even fucking stand-up. Cause I talk stand-up.
There's guys that are into stand-up that aren't into stand-up.

So you start nerding out with them and they're kind of like, they go, they're just like, yeah, dude, I don't know.

I'm trying to sell out like theaters and arenas and you go, oh, I'm trying to talk like, I'm trying to talk early.

you know, like all those people are immensely more successful.

This is the only business, this is the only business where you go, I got, I came to bake delicious cakes. And someone went, I'm going to change the world through marketing.
Yeah.

And then you look like you do the thing. And they, and they do win because they're better at marketing.
Yeah, yeah. But absolutely.
My whole thing is also fucking let them then.

If that's what they want, this is the whole point of everything is like, if they're into marketing and they want to have like large groups listen to them talk, good. We're not doing the same thing.

And there's a, I'm going to recommend a book to you. We always like to do book recommendations.

It's called Cults Like Us

by Jane Borden. Okay.
Who lives right here in L.A. She'd be a great guest.

She takes it from the

did you know

that

this country was started by a doomsday cult that we now refer to as the Pilgrims. Yeah, it's crazy.
They were a doomsday cult. Yeah.
And she takes

all the way up. And what you realize is, and that's the beautiful thing about this book, is

always like, I love America. Like, you, the thing that you love about America has never existed.
Yeah. It's just always been a thing where it's

always, we have always been a shattered mirror. Yeah.
That we try to get a good angle on ourselves. And which is fine in the sense that

it's aspirational. We haven't lost

this thing that we had. No.
And we are now bad and not good enough. We have to get it back.
We have always been

a three-legged circus dog with clown makeup on. It's all.
And we're just trying to do a little bit better every day.

It reminds me of when you realize that your parents were once young and fucked and had you and didn't know what they were doing.

And then you go, no, they always were mom and dad and they always knew moms knew that I needed soup when I was sick.

And you go, no, she was a 36-year-old lady going, fuck, fuck, I got to get my work done. Okay, kidding.
These fucking kids throwing up all over.

But in my head, I go, well, mom's, mom isn't great anymore. It's like, well, mom's 77 now.
She's different. She doesn't make dinner every night.
You just, it's all about perspective.

Colin Quinn did an awesome New York story.

It's a Netflix special, which if you haven't seen it, please watch it, where he basically goes through the history of New York through the immigrants that come.

So he starts with the Dutch, then he does the Irish, the Italians, and then he does the Jews, the blacks, and he like talks about how each. And all of them were in the barrel.
All of them.

But he does this great thing in New York story where he shows you where the New York attitude came from.

which group. And he like talks about growing up, you know, like in Brooklyn with Italians.

And he's like oh their family their abuse is like an opera in the street and he like talks about it and you go yeah this all makes sense and i love like that when they break it down yeah and it's all

everybody it's always been crazy everyone's trying no one knows what they're doing and everyone's trying yeah and if like even our constitution which i'm plug it all calling unconstitutional yeah he said it best he goes those are drunks they might as well have written our constitution on a bar napkin right because they were at the bar all the time oh there's a great meme.

I wish I knew who wrote it. It was like the Bible, a 2,000-year-old book written by a group of men who didn't know where the sun went at night.
Yeah, that'll have all the answers.

Yeah.

You know what's funny is I always think about this now that what's his name? Jimmy Swaggart just died. And

I'm obsessed with these preachers that because my obsession is with it is they talk so confidently like they talk to God and they don't know.

No, you've got to look up on YouTube Robert Tilton Farting. Done.

Done. And thank me.

I will.

I am absolutely going to reach out to you and be like, thank you. Because when Jimmy Swaggart, like I said, Katie and I get high and we watch these religious channels.

And they do like Jimmy Swaggart live from the Congo in like 86. Yeah.
And it's a soccer stadium sold out with all these African people. And he's in a

thick suit, sweating, going, Jesus will forgive you if you do this stuff. And I just want the ring cam

of when he goes to heaven, and St. Peter's like,

Yeah,

when did you talk to God? We've got some financial statements here.

Yeah,

it says here you were billing them for us. Yeah, my biggest fear when I die is that I have to stand in front of children who starved while I was alive and read them my eBay purchases.

There we go. Oh, God, this one's really going to hurt.
Transformers Coffee Mug, 1986,

$79.99. I love the original Hot Wheels carrying.

Yeah, me going like, I bought a DLC pack for WWE 2K25 for $29.99. An apple would have fed my family for a week.
And it just fly on the kid's eye. And you're like, yeah, you get it.

I wanted the attire that came in that pack.

I don't know, man.

The more internet we get and the more

avenues of information we get, it all comes back to the same thing, which is that we're all full of shit. Yes.
And that we're all figuring it out.

And that's always what i love versus like now the the whole thing is um the there's a huge market of i know the answer and i'll tell you the answer and i always think it's refreshing to know no one knows no no one knows the answer no one knows that's why i always old people when they're dead they're like or when they're dying my grandma died last year at 97 and being around in that home a lot what i saw were people that were ending the ride going like oh oh fuck i don't know where this goes i've only been on this ride for 87 years and you're like no, my, my, my dad is 95.

And, and he's like,

no shit. Yeah, they, they get to this point where they're like, I'm fucking scared.
Yeah. They're like, I'm fucking scared.
And you're like, that's crazy.

Cause back in your 50s, you were pretty fucking confident.

It is interesting.

You know,

my dad, and I, and I,

I spent a lot of time a couple years ago. I spent a lot of time with Mel Brooks.
I mean, one of the greatest of all time. One of the greatest of all time.
I mean, the reason I do that.

Yeah, worked with him for about a year on the thing

and when you're that he was 92 at the time yeah

when you're that a my dad and mr brooks when you're that age someone you know dies every day yeah i had a joke on my comedy central hour about uh my grandma has the energy of a gang leader because they're the only people who go like hey people get busted up in these streets but my grandma would be like yeah we lost nancy last week and it's just like the same where they'd be like hey big toque big toque got took out Shout out to you.

We love you. It was like the same, like, and we're just playing Jin Rummy.
And my grandma's like, Oh, yeah, Barb died. And you're like,

I saw Barb at Thanksgiving. And she goes, Yeah, showed up dead last week.
Yeah.

You just start, and you're like, There's like this calmness.

Yeah, they just, but their own mortality is like very,

it's like knocking on the door. And they're kind of like, yeah, my dad is not like this.
Really, my dad is, it's actually too gothic and baroque, but like his,

uh,

he,

I didn't I didn't even know how to tell this yeah uh my mom's ashes are in an urn on the mantelpiece and his go in next to them and he just stares at it every day and watches old cowboy shows on grit and he and that's his life and then he just looks at his wife and yeah and knowing that it's like it's like i get the apartment b and one day i'll go in there and it's like having your casket in the living room that is crazy yeah we keep umbrellas in

your casket and he goes

honestly

think about it. Listen, I'm just saying, would be a good idea if you're going to sleep there eternally.
Sure.

Maybe the last two years of your life, you sleep in the gasket just to get the feel for it. And what my dad does, he really talked much, but he watches Cowboy Shows.

And at the end of the show, he will say the name of the show. So if you're in the house, at the top of the hour, you'll just hear from upstairs, Rohide!

An hour later,

Banana's hard.

That's so funny. He's like, Have gun, Will.
Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
And then he's watching. And you go, oh, dad's up.
Yeah, he's up.

Yeah, it was, it was, it was interesting watching my grandma kind of like, um, she lived by herself until she was 96. And then when she had to move away, she was kind of like, that took her out of it.

And I talked to a doctor and they said, you take them out of their house and it, it spins them. She got COVID and she was in the hospital.
And when she got out, I said, so what do you think?

Do we put her in a home? She's 96.

And the doctor was like, no. He's like, what I've noticed is you put her back in her house.
and she, and by the way, she still bop around and do everything. Yeah.

No, my mom had dementia and she was at a facility. My brother called it Heaven's Waiting Room.
Yeah. It is crazy.
That's the feeling you get. Yeah.

Where you just go in there and you go, what the fuck?

It was, it was brutal. But people open in the morning, you just hear all again,

again,

again, another day. What?

I talk about my grandma dying in my hour right now, but the line that I cut out is about that guy across her hall that I talked about, about when the nurse is telling me about movie night and the guys across across the hall going, I want to go home.

Let me go.

And the nurse is talking to me and she goes, Tuesdays we do movies. And it's like bouncing right off her and she's just staying in it and you're like, you're a fucking soldier.

But it is, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you see people that old and you go, okay, well, if they don't have the answer, because I would, I would feel better.

I think it would be a little better if you were older and old people are like, oh, no. And I die and I go to heaven and this is what happens.
And fucking, but instead you're like, yeah, we don't know.

Might be

that's why i won't do dmt i won't do dmt because people have said that it is you know i i like drugs and i love hallucinogenics but dmt people are like what is dmt dmt is the uh you could smoke it and you could do other ways of doing it but it is the uh chemical your brain releases when you die oh and people have found a way to like smoke it or take it or whatever and they all have this very of course they

turn it into a vape yeah that's where we're at they found the thing that chimps feel when they orgasm Of course.

I'll overdo it. What's it called? Chimpgasm.
Of course. Chimp Comb.
But it is,

and people have asked me, friends of mine have done DMT, and they're like, hey, do you want to do DMT?

And I said, the only reason I don't is on the off chance that there is nothing when we die, I don't want to do DMT, and that's heaven. That's it.

And I go, oh, well, I unwrapped my Christmas presents before Christmas. Well put, well put.
And you're like, now I know what heaven is, and so this doesn't make it fun.

My fear with all of that, and i tell you i'm

i have never done anything really i have never done

anything i got drunk on beers in 1980 i threw up and that was i'm good i will occasionally have a beer if i'm eating something that it goes well with like a brat worst like or a fish and chips or a pizza like something but by and large i've never done anything i'm not sober nor do i judge people that do i just grew up surrounded by it eyeball deep in everything then i went into comedy where i saw more drugs than the eagles roadies i mean you went into comedy when blow was i watched sam kennison do four four inch lines of blow throw up and go on stage it was like i don't there's nothing

caesar salad before i go on yeah me neither me neither

i mean he said if you don't throw up you're doing it wrong and then he went on stage and it was very funny that is very funny if you don't throw up you're doing it wrong also he was empty stomach on that much blow yeah he was cloud nine he was

that boy that boy was that boy

he was humming but my wife wants me to do some kind of mushrooms or something like nah i don't want to i'm the only guy on earth whose wife thinks that they don't do enough drugs that's very funny yeah yeah mine's like come on take it easy you smoke a little too much weed yeah no it's just come on let's just do that yeah i think that's awesome I am the opposite.

I don't think I can go more than a day without a substance and not want to fight. I drink 40 cups of coffee a day.
That's it. I do.
We do. We're going to get some coffee here in a second.
Yeah.

Oh, I love coffee. So, yeah, I do the David Lynch thing.

I drink coffee and then I meditate. Did you ever smoke cigarettes? Never smoked a cigarette.

I was on a TV show where I had to smoke a cloved cigarette that looked like a real cigarette. That was it.
Nah, nah, nah, real cigarette.

Where on the show, I shot the guy that played Joe Chill in Batman Begins. Oh,

look at that. It all comes back around.
Which my dad thought, that was the greatest. I didn't even want to shot it.
Like, I didn't really shoot him.

It was a fake gun.

He was going to fall

wherever the thing made the noise. Right.
Right.

But it was the only thing I've ever done. It was a show called Mob City.
It was the only thing I've ever did my dad thought was cool. That's fucking awesome.
You need one. Yeah.
You always need one.

My mom thought Billions was really cool. My mom's very supportive.
Sure, of course. But you need one.
Paul Giamatti. Yeah.
I mean, that was Giamatti and Damian Lewis. Those guys were fucking the man.

I'm friends with somebody who's friends with Giamatti, and they say he's great, but he's also like a super nerd. Like, he loves Planet of the Apes.
He loves all this stuff.

Dude, he shows up and you, you don't,

I'm sure this happens a lot in L.A., but it happens, I just know, in New York, where you don't, it doesn't register. Ethan Hawk walks by you.
Yeah. You just go, like, that guy look like Ethan Hawk.

And you go, oh, like Paul Giamatti, you don't even realize. And you go, that's fucking Paul Giamatti.
Right. Because he's just like a regular guy in like a dolphin's hat.
Right. Yeah.

And then he's like sitting there. He's like, hey, Dan.
And you're like, oh, you're one of the greatest actors ever. And his dad, former

man who who bounced Pete Rose. Yep, of MLB, which I talked to him about.
Yeah. It took me a couple years before I was like, can we talk about your dad being commissioner? And he's like, absolutely.

And I think he's doing a movie about Art Bell. Oh, yeah.
Paul is. Yeah.
Which is that, again, like more obscure. Yeah.
More obscure for me. Yeah, dude.
He's Paul's the fucking man. Yeah.

You're the man. I appreciate you coming on, Dana.
I've been this is so fun. This is so fun.
Yeah, you are hilarious. Your stand-up is so good.
Thank you. You've always been so funny.

And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. That 2014 Just for Laughs thing really fucking

brain ointment for me and a lot of other comedians when you feel lost as fuck. An easier talk to talk than walk to walk, but I try.
Yeah, but it is good. It's a good thing.

And if you're a young comic and you're like struggling with it, go read Dana's speech because he does make the point that I think everyone knows if you're doing comedy and you're a comic, you made it.

You've made it. Yeah, you've done it.
This is it. You've done it.
You've done it. And check out,

go watch his special, Perfectly Normal, on YouTube and watch everything he does because Danny Gould's fucking hilarious.

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