113: Irish Meat with Colum Tyrrell | Soder Podcast | EP 111

Speaker 1 Hey everybody, I want to thank you for coming and seeing me on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. We've announced the second leg.

Speaker 1 It starts up in February, February 13th in Orlando, then February 14th in Tampa. Going to be in Buffalo, February 28th, Boston, March 6th, Philly, March 7th.
Go to dansodor.com.

Speaker 1 The whole second leg all the way through April is on sale, all available at dansodor.com. I love you guys.

Speaker 1 This is Colin Turtle. You know him from the podcast, Cockfight.

Speaker 1 Yes, Cockfight. And his own show, which might come back at any moment.
My podcast? Yeah. Yeah, I'm bringing it back, actually.
Did you know that? No, I did not know. You just got a feeling?

Speaker 1 I just fucking guessed it. I needed a break.
I needed to unwind. Well, I was doing two hours solo a week, which was insane.
It wasn't too much. That's insane.

Speaker 1 I think Bill Burr was the best at doing that. Sure.
He did the best solo podcast. Solo, every time I've tried to do it, it makes me feel genuinely insane.
It does.

Speaker 1 And then one day you start saying something, and then even at the end of a sentence, you go, that was stupid, and I didn't have anyone to go. Shut up, you man.
Yeah, I need guardrails.

Speaker 1 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 You got to see someone's face go, what? A solo podcast would just be the rantings of a madman.

Speaker 1 I would start talking about like 1988 Survivor Series finishes. Sure.
Where I'd be like, don't you understand? This is all connected. Yeah.
It's all, it's like,

Speaker 1 whenever I think of trying a solo podcast, it makes me understand people that have lost their minds. Because you go, oh, they're just podcasting.
Yeah, you go nuts.

Speaker 1 They just have podcasted off the cliff. Like crazy people outside.
They're just podcasting. There might be a couple of crazy people that would have a better podcast than when I was sold.

Speaker 1 Is that the new network? Are we and you, we're like bum hunters? We're going to like grab them and then like,

Speaker 1 Wake, with the help of Pimp, we'll like put a mic on them and then put out their episodes where you go, this is, this is Jim from 26th Street and 6th Avenue. He's like, that is a vacuum.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's got like one of those little furry mics attached to his pump.

Speaker 1 How many bodies you got?

Speaker 1 And he goes, sex? He goes, dead. Is this under a bridge? I'm talking about people you killed.
Dude, one of my favorite videos, I'll show you.

Speaker 1 I send this to Sagalo when we're on the road and we're about to smoke weed. But

Speaker 1 this guy's energy is the kind I was just thinking about. It's just, I found this video online and it's a guy and he goes, smoke a bowl.
And he goes, then what?

Speaker 1 He goes, make your way down the slide I'm gonna show you this guy fucking rules first smoke a ball okay and then what I have to do

Speaker 1 that guy fucking rules dude that's like if I were the kind of guy that would be like you know Going right for merch, there's no way I don't make a smoke a bowl and make your way down the slide.

Speaker 1 But I'm sending it to you so you can edit. He'll edit it right in.
These guys. People watching to go.
These guys are right, though. You smoke a bowl, go on the swings.

Speaker 1 Don't be too complicated. People are overcomplicating.
Everyone's listening to Huberman about, you know, make sure you see the light at 6 a.m. or whatever.
No.

Speaker 1 Dip your face in a bowl of ice with tape over your mouth. Yeah,

Speaker 1 scare a dog twice a day.

Speaker 1 They do do that. They go, I don't eat anything that isn't a super protein.
I wake myself up with an electrical charge. Then I do six hours of cardio where I don't have a sip of water.

Speaker 1 We'll just have a homeless guy do it. yeah exactly box wine

Speaker 1 gets you angry bottled wine gets you horny and you go what a great way yeah it's like that huberman put out of business by bums yeah let's put like all those him and what are the other guys that do that uh huberman who's the other guy i don't know

Speaker 1 the running guy the one oh goggins goggins who's like life is pain and you're like I don't know if I did that much. Yeah, Goggins always like, I ran on a sprained ankle for 200 miles.

Speaker 1 And this guy is like, my leg is leaking. My leg has been leaking since 1998.
If the bone's coming out, that means you ain't doing it hard enough.

Speaker 1 But there are,

Speaker 1 that's like when I see people that are into like

Speaker 1 tent churches. Which? Like, you know, like people that go to like churches where they dance with snakes.
Have you seen like Southern Baptists or any of these? I've never seen no.

Speaker 1 I've never seen no snake because what I love about Ireland is you guys. You got rid of those snakes.
St. Patrick.
Yeah, you did.

Speaker 1 Be gone.

Speaker 1 You guys played it off, and then they fucking came here and we took them and danced with them. We're like, these are my friends.

Speaker 1 But it's like Pentecostal churches will speak in tongues and they'll do a thing where they're like, they're holding snakes because they're proving that God loves them so the snakes won't bite them.

Speaker 1 Okay. So they like dance and they speak in tongues.
It's fucking wild. But what I love, no one gives American Americans credit for when we take your guys' shit and go crazy with it.

Speaker 1 Jazz it up a little. Jazz it the fuck up.
That's why I'm so proud to be an American. I get it.

Speaker 1 It's because we take something like Catholicism, which I could argue it's the Italians and the Irish perfected it. Sure.
The Italians had the Vatican and they had all the Italians.

Speaker 1 You guys were just straight up super fans. Yeah.
Ireland was like, you know, you're like, you guys' Catholicism.

Speaker 1 We just needed it because we used to be the Celts, you know, so we were like worshiping big stones. Like, that was like kind of all these white guys with dreadlocks was worshiping stones.

Speaker 1 And then these guys showed up and we're like, oh, yeah, our guy can do magic. And we're like, all right, that's better.
They go, what? And he goes, he had a son that walked across water.

Speaker 1 And you're like, what? It was so easy. The rock hasn't done shit.
Imagine how mad you are if you're the rock god and you're like, this is going pretty good. If we're wrong, we show up after

Speaker 1 there's a bunch of rocks going, what the hell? You guys had it. You were right in the beginning.
It's us. It's the rock.
The devil won.

Speaker 1 The devil walks across the water and you go,

Speaker 1 but like, you know, like my mom always says she was raised Irish Catholic, but she wasn't raised Irish Catholic. She was raised American Irish Catholic, which is like,

Speaker 1 it's like more flavor, more sugar. Yeah.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 more gill. I don't know.
I always get confused. I go over here and then

Speaker 1 I was going to church for some holiday with my in-laws. And then in the middle of one of the sermons, the guy turns around and he's talking about life and difficulty.

Speaker 1 And then he's like, like the other day, I was talking to my wife, and I'm like, what? Yeah. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? No, no, no.
Got him. We got him.
He's not a priest. He's a liar.

Speaker 1 He's wearing a wire. He's pulling up.
He's got the wait, the ring. We're listening to a guy who eats pussy.
He doesn't know anything about Jesus. I'm like, yeah, what do you know?

Speaker 1 I need a guy starved for human touch. Yeah, I need a guy when he's not allowed around kids.
I need, that's what, that's Jesus. Yeah, they go, you think they want to fuck those kids?

Speaker 1 They're doing it because it's really the easiest option. I don't want a guy who's like pretending that he has to go to mass because his wife's nagging him.
He's like, oh, no, I got a big funeral.

Speaker 1 I got to go to the. Yeah, I got to go give big ups to the big guy.
You know, women.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's. I thought it was Catholic priests aren't allowed to marry.
Dunah.

Speaker 1 See, I'm Episcopalian, which is very funny. Okay.

Speaker 1 The Episcopal Church was created by the the King of England so he could get divorced.

Speaker 1 Okay, I thought the Church of England, is it? Yeah, it's like pretty much the church. It's like, I don't know if you could look that up, but

Speaker 1 the Episcopal Church is like... The Episcopal.

Speaker 1 It's like Catholic. They've joked around it's like Catholic light.
But it is like they allow divorce. They're like, oh, no, you can get it.
Yeah, whatever. Yeah, condoms and stuff.

Speaker 1 I never even know that. So they allow the priest to get married.
Yeah. Which is, I think, is probably...
It's good. Yeah, for the priest and then all the victims.
But I don't know.

Speaker 1 I truly do believe I'm listening to someone who's who's not

Speaker 1 munching box more.

Speaker 1 I feel like he's purer. He's closer to heaven.
Because he's not fucking because he's not. He's just got backed up.
He's just blue ball to the guilds. And they can't jerk off either, can they?

Speaker 1 No, they're not allowed to know. Jeez, crazy.
No.

Speaker 1 Let them. No way.

Speaker 1 Let the air out. You know you can blow up tires if they're pumped too full of air.
Yeah, but this is, no, he's on a frequency.

Speaker 1 He's like, you're pinging he's he's he's he's talking to god daily that's huberman that's where they are those are the first huberman stuff where they're like don't touch your dick you're gonna get so much done and everyone's like this seems like a lot of work yeah for sure i feel much more comfortable talking to a guy that has empty nuts than god about god yes yeah because he's he goes like chill baby i just got my dick sucked yeah god's beautiful but also there's a lot of priests are banging chicks especially in ireland yeah so that's that's the thing.

Speaker 1 That's kind of the thing. So do you think, like, you know how they say married men attract women more? Do you think priests attract more women?

Speaker 1 Because they go, like, I know that berry is full of juice.

Speaker 1 Do you think that... No, because they'd come over and go, tell me about your temptations.

Speaker 1 And they'd say to the husband, I'm just going to do a little prayer with your wife today. Yeah.
Appoint your hand stuff. Yeah.
We're going to put our hands together in different ways. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The husband comes home. She's soaking wet.
It was just covered in holy water. He goes, Sorry, he blessed me.
He goes, I don't know, it smells like the blessing smells a little like piss.

Speaker 1 You know, it's mostly piss. I don't know if you know, yeah.
I didn't know that that would make sense if you were a priest and you wanted pussy.

Speaker 1 Loads of them were banging left, right, and center, especially in Ireland back in the day.

Speaker 1 So, this is like when my parents were growing up, maybe I was a little bit out of that, but certainly my grandparents, you had an obligation to give the church one of your family members. What

Speaker 1 they, as a priest, are a nun. So one of them had to go.
They pretty much essentially

Speaker 1 were socially pressured into it. So you'd have nine kids.
One of them would die of polio. The other one would leave to England.
And then whichever ones were left, usually the dim ones

Speaker 1 or the pig's ears, as we'd say, you know, the queers, right?

Speaker 1 They'd send the pig's ear to the church because

Speaker 1 so you'd have one kid going, hi, dad. And go, you're a priest, fuck off.
Daddy, I just believe in stuff. And he goes, goes, you're a man of the cloth.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 The first day he does that, where he's like, Dad, it was just downstairs by the river. And he goes, pig's ear, we're sending him.

Speaker 1 There was all the priests out a little bit of fucking show. A little, oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, they had a little jazz of them. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, because that's not allowed in Catholicism. So they're like, you better join, you better put on a robe.
Well, you have to give,

Speaker 1 they would show up and go, which one do you want to give us? And they go, I don't like that one.

Speaker 1 He dances a little too good. But I'm always amazed with how much shame that breeds in sex.

Speaker 1 specifically catholicism seems like there's like if you jerk off you're like god watched me everyone's mad at me yeah whereas like i was talking to louis katz about this and i've brought this point up before he

Speaker 1 he like talks about how horny he is all the time with an air of like yeah dude i'm just hornier and i go you don't have any shame i go you you just fuck and he goes yeah because in judaism they're you they don't shame you Yeah, they're like, sex is great.

Speaker 1 Have sex. You should have sex.
And you're like, oh, okay. And that's why they're all like, yeah.
Like, I talked to Ari about this. I was like, you don't have any shame.

Speaker 1 And he goes, no, why do you think I'm showing my dick and nuts all the time? He's like, because I don't have, whereas, like, I grew up, obviously, not Catholic.

Speaker 1 I grew up like Episcopalian, but not even barely. But there was still shame.
Sure. Don't show your penis.
You don't show your dick. Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 But also, the Jews, like, I think they don't have like an afterlife, right? So this is their end.

Speaker 1 This is like, what are you saving it for? Get it. You know what I mean? We're being good boys, so we can live in the clouds for a while.

Speaker 1 But we we don't even know if it's going to happen.

Speaker 1 I'm willing to bet on gambling. I know.
You don't want to look like a fool when I'm with my

Speaker 1 rock gods. Dude, I'm telling you right now, me and you have the same parlay ticket.
So I'm hoping it cashes. Yeah.
Because if not, dude, I like...

Speaker 1 I should be whipping it out. If it's true, if the Jews are smoking them because they got them, and that's what it is, they're like, smoke it if you got it.
Let's fucking rock this shit. Exactly.

Speaker 1 You can't spend it when you're dead. I always wonder about that.
That's why I'm always amazed with people who claim to be

Speaker 1 afterlife experts. Yeah.
Like after, like people that die for a minute on the operating table and then they come back and then they write a book. About what they saw.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is that? That's like just a DMT trip, right? Isn't that the same? She's got a little DMT in your brain. Whatever that, yeah, you're like, that's why I won't smoke DMT.

Speaker 1 Yeah, your third eye. Your little third eye gets wiped open.

Speaker 1 That's why I won't smoke DMT. Have you never done that? No, I don't want to do it in case there is no afterlife.
And that's the hit your body gives you. And I've already done it.

Speaker 1 No, now you're already. It's like drinking.
You know, like how the first beer is always the best. You like the first beer, you're like,

Speaker 1 and then the second. Several in your life, though? No, I'm just talking about in a night.
First beer, you go, you're like whistling about it. You're like, that's cold.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 Then the second beer, you don't give a shit about. I think it's going to be more like riding a horse or something.
And you're going to be like, oh, and get booked. And I'll be like, follow me.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're long. I've been around.
You're long heaven hair. Yeah.
How many times have you done DMT?

Speaker 1 Probably a seven or eight. Really? Yeah, yeah.
Have you seen the thing that everyone claims where they all see the same thing? I've seen stuff that, yeah, because it's like you don't see a physical.

Speaker 1 In my opinion, I never saw like a physical kind of guy, but I saw like the idea. It's like a dream almost where you go, it was my house, but it wasn't my house.

Speaker 1 You know, I saw people, but it wasn't people or something.

Speaker 1 And do you think that was it? Do you think they like let you? Do you think DMT lets you look into the afterworld? No, I think it's just a chemical in your brain that gets released and it looks cool.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 That's why. I will say, the last time I did it,

Speaker 1 I smoked it and i don't know what happened i you know you kind of passed out i woke up and i had a little recording talking about cash app

Speaker 1 talking about money no man i am i was on a show about money but i am stupid about it especially with these apps but if you get cash app

Speaker 1 I'm telling you right now, very easy way to send money, to get money. It's just one of those ones where there's not a lot of headache.
You can buy stuff with Cash App.

Speaker 1 And Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green.

Speaker 1 Unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and easily grow or manage your money on your terms.

Speaker 1 So when you spend at least $500 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App Pay, you earn green status.

Speaker 1 That unlocks stuff like $200 in over free overdraft coverage or higher or borrow limits and customized personal cash back offers every Fridays at places you love to shop.

Speaker 1 And if you don't have Cash App, go sign up because for a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they just use the code Cash App 10 in their profile at sign up and then send $5 to a friend within 14 days.

Speaker 1 That's all you got to do. Terms apply.
Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank.

Speaker 1 Banking services provided by Cash App's Bank Partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC, Cash App Green, Overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers, and promotional provided by Cash App, a block incorporated brand.

Speaker 1 Visit cash.app slash legal/slash podcast for full disclosure.

Speaker 1 I will say, the last time I did it,

Speaker 1 I smoked it, and I don't know what happened. You know, you kind of passed out.
I woke up, but I had a little recording on my camera to like to try like a paranormal activity. No, I set up the camera.

Speaker 1 I set up the camera like a podcast, essentially. I'm like, okay, guys, welcome to Calm Turtle Podcast.

Speaker 1 And this is smoking DMT. This is dealing with my drama.

Speaker 1 This is trying to find love. Down, down, down, down.
And you smoke, you go.

Speaker 1 And yeah, but somewhere in that trip, I just over got this sense of sadness. And then when I came out, and then I was just like, man, I just feel so sad or something.

Speaker 1 And then I was just out crying, and I just cried for like 30 minutes. I mean, like, bawling my eyes out.
And then at the end, I'm like, oh, then I just like turned the camera out. So funny.

Speaker 1 That movie. It wasn't like fun.

Speaker 1 Because I was supposed to be like, I saw an alien and he was juggling the sun. And I was just bawling my eyes out for 30 minutes and then on a

Speaker 1 when you're picking it when you're finally packing it up you're like

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 yeah just like share subscribe

Speaker 1 i'm not going to the patreon

Speaker 1 that's why one of my favorite videos uh a great subreddit is cringe tick tocks oh nice and they show just like crazy tick tocks not always they show other shit but something they'll show is people in cars having breakdowns yeah

Speaker 1 one of the funniest ones was like when your partner of when you come out as polygamous to your partner of six years and they deny you, and it's like a girl that looks like she works in a Williamsburg bookstore and she's like, oh,

Speaker 1 oh, and she's like, really like pulse crying. And then a guy duets it and he like shows himself setting up his camera and then going like,

Speaker 1 and you're like, because you did the whole DMT trip and ended up in the cry. Yeah.
But there are people that set up to cry. Yeah.
And then they go.

Speaker 1 There was a mother when her kid was coming. Remember that kid? And she goes, like, fucking cry battery yeah and she they got they got like

Speaker 1 she forgot the editor though yeah they got captain america to say hello to him he was like they were bullying me and she's like and he was cry for come on cry

Speaker 1 i feel like if you see someone doing a rant on their phone in a parking lot it it should be mandatory that you run up and go

Speaker 1 right on their window and just in the real like don't get killed but like you know what i mean if someone's like in the thing and they're like and i'm gonna tell you what donald trump is taking away just come up and go

Speaker 1 i just i want we need to come up with a word just to like for them to yell out so that if i see it on the internet they can go like zorro and you go yeah

Speaker 1 that's one of ours yeah because that can like more people need to start pushing back to people doing public TikToks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're always dancing over Penn Station now, all the Asians.

Speaker 1 Well, they are all Asians. I don't know what to tell you.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm not booking it. I'm just telling you who's there.
I'm just telling you who's there. You made that racial.
I'm just saying what I saw. I'm just telling you, if you walk into Times

Speaker 1 Grand Central, you'll see it. There's a new thing over at Penn Station, the Monahan Hall or whatever.
And then at the end, they all get together.

Speaker 1 And I think they all like, that's like where they hang out. And then they'll all be in a little

Speaker 1 pyramid. TikToks? Yeah.
And then I'm just walking by, going, get out of my country. Oh, I moved.
And they go, what was that?

Speaker 1 The guy goes, I'm from minnesota just an asian guy i grew up in minneapolis yeah they're uh when i've walked through tick tocks uh-huh yeah because new york city and you can you can be recognized too because it's like oh dan soda like that's why you gotta stop look at the camera and go fuck these pussies check out keep walking i stop and i look at the camera and i go

Speaker 1 fuck these kill these people

Speaker 1 yeah this fuck it sucks give me all your money but i've walked through like quickly and they're like, they act like you're rude. Yeah.
When you walk through a TikTok.

Speaker 1 They get like mad at you. They're like, hello.

Speaker 1 You're like, yeah, you're on sixth.

Speaker 1 I must say,

Speaker 1 I get hooked when they have those the gym ones. You know, some chick sets up the gym.

Speaker 1 She's like this. And then some guy walks by, just like scratching his belly button.
And she's like, excuse me. Oh.
Excuse me, I'm doing my white tear. Yeah.
And he's like, oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know? And then he turns around to that guy in the car going, how dare you? Oh, that really Joey.
Joey Swallow? Yeah, Jerry.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I'm going to tell you right now, if this guy's getting to the gym, he's already accomplishing something. He doesn't need you pushing back.
That's the voice of the game.

Speaker 1 You don't own the gym. This isn't a private gym.
I hope you do better. I hope you do better.
Yeah, he goes, we all got to come together, do better.

Speaker 1 Most of us, both of us, will be much more successful if we start using that tone a lot more. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm Dan Soder, and I'm going to show you how you can live like a homeless person in New York City.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody. Hope you're having a good holidays.
Listen, maybe you get gifts this year and someone doesn't get you the gift you wanted, which is a new wallet. Well, you can go get it yourself.

Speaker 1 You can go get the Ridge wallet. I got one years ago from the Cometown guys and this thing's badass, but guess what? They got the new Ridge 2.0.
Update, baby.

Speaker 1 Everything the Ridge One had, but now 10% lighter.

Speaker 1 And they made it modular with improved cash straps, money clips, air tag attachments so you won't lose it because we've all lost our wallet, but now you got an air tag on it.

Speaker 1 So you're like, well, let me find out where this is. Plus, over 50 colors and styles to choose from.
You can even get a wallet with your favorite NFL, MLB, or college team.

Speaker 1 Perfect for a late holiday gift or a gift for yourself if they didn't get you the right gift. For a limited time, Ridge is having their huge holiday sale.

Speaker 1 Head to ridge.com to get up to 47% off your order. That's by far the biggest discount they've given all year.

Speaker 1 That's ridge R-I-D-G-E dot com for up to 40% off your order during their biggest sale of the year. After your purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them.

Speaker 1 Please support our show and let them know that we sent you. Thanks.
Yeah, I feel like in the next five years, comics are going to be real humbled.

Speaker 1 And we're just going to come back to being like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. I'm two weeks away from doing like fucking hamburger reviews.

Speaker 1 Rendering on the Lower East Side, going, that's just Collie's 6.8. And someone knocks on it.
Joru, you go, I'm fucking doing a goddamn hamburger review.

Speaker 1 I had to pay for this Volvo with my own fucking money. Anyways, back to this Smash Burger.

Speaker 1 Put your hand behind me. Yeah, I have no mukbang videos in my car.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Royal King19.

Speaker 1 I'll dip it french fries in it.

Speaker 1 Dude, that'll be great. Yeah, exactly.
PG. I mean, needing something and looking at comments.

Speaker 1 The streaming shit, you were saying that. Like, you were saying, like, streaming's killed the rap game.
Like, people don't want to be rappers anymore.

Speaker 1 They want to be be streamers streamers this is another thing streaming's the most there was only one way out of the hood now it's streaming now it's going like this what's up 24 hour streams yeah now hitting yourself with a pool noodle hitting each other with pool noodles having so funny because it is like

Speaker 1 we watched uh you know i i

Speaker 1 you watch like the industry which is gone now but you watched people kiss ass in the industry sure like get favors to like with bookers that were doing like um letterman or conan when when late nights were big so you watch people like finagle that and then podcasts became big and you watch people like finagle that and like get in with people and have success or whatever but you wonder if the next thing is like just streamers just being like hey can i show up at your house at 3 p.m and do a five minute set and then kaisanat's like yeah i don't know just like on his computer and you're behind it and you're like So I was on, you guys on the apps?

Speaker 1 He's got

Speaker 1 Kaisenat's like reading his stream. He's like, yeah, I don't know who he is either.

Speaker 1 I hope he leaves soon.

Speaker 1 I got Kanye coming by. He's going to take medication live on the air.

Speaker 1 That's like what he does. He goes, this is lithium.

Speaker 1 Kanye live.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Let's see what it does.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know where we're fucking headed. It might, yeah, it might.
I don't know. I think it's all just...
I don't know what the fuck is going on. Me and you.
I'm so confused.

Speaker 1 On a 16-year-old streamer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it sounds nice to be some sort of streamer-influencer thing where it's like something you want to do anyway.

Speaker 1 Somehow it's like monetized, but then the second that happens, I'm like, fuck this, I hate fucking, or whatever. That's whatever you're monetizing, but you know what it is.

Speaker 1 That's, I think, what you're describing right now is how we all felt about porn when we were 12 years old and going through puberty.

Speaker 1 You're like, these guys just fuck beautiful women and they get paid to do it. Yes.
That's incredible. And then you get older and you go, it ain't that.

Speaker 1 It ain't that at all. It's a hard hard job you know mark pardon the puns but like you are like

Speaker 1 i couldn't i couldn't get my boner hard if they were like you got to film for three hours

Speaker 1 you're like i don't want to for three hours that's crazy i don't want to you know and now you see like twitch streamers and you go i wouldn't want to play video games for that long i want to play like i just can't even be looked at that long it's like it's it's insane and they do they do it for what like six weeks

Speaker 1 like six weeks ago and they're just like snoozing on camera yeah that's like it's actually the self self-made truman show. Yes.
These guys watch Truman and went, that's a good idea. They go, what?

Speaker 1 Mr. Beast goes, I've built an entire village so that I can stream 24 hours a day.
I smile without moving my eyes.

Speaker 1 It's one of the most disturbing characteristics and the short sign that I am a lizard person. And he goes, this smile, he's like, are you going to eat it? Yeah, it is.
They did.

Speaker 1 They took Truman's show and they were just like, fuck it. That guy, Mr.
Beast, is nuts too, but

Speaker 1 I've heard of people talking about being on those shows that he does. And he's not part of any of it, you know? He just shows up at the end.

Speaker 1 He just shows up and kind of presents it, like, for 30 minutes. He's like, this is day one.
And then he'll turn around and go, this is day two of us. And he's not there at all.

Speaker 1 And then he just gets flown back to wherever the fuck he goes. To lay in goo.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just assume that's what the ultra-rich do, is that they just lay in some sort of cold but warm goo that feels good. Similar to when they pull Neo out of the Matrix.
100%.

Speaker 1 Kind of like that. He's working on something.
I always think about that shit with like

Speaker 1 mr beast is a kind of guy where you're like

Speaker 1 what are you who are you for real

Speaker 1 is he does he even have a part of him where you think this guy's doing horrific crimes or is it

Speaker 1 is it worse he's not you know they're you know like what's they're doing a new bond movie right that amazon bought the bond franchise okay so they're recasting bond i just heard that tom holland's out for some reason i didn't realize why But they're like all the

Speaker 1 big UK guys are up right now for like who's going to play James Bond. I think a great Bond villain is a Mr.

Speaker 1 Beast type, where a guy that looks like he's doing all this stuff, but in reality, he's like doing some crazy fucked up shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 James Bond has to go and defeat Mr. Beast.
It even sounds like

Speaker 1 Mr. Beast, your chocolate taste.
What is it this year? Well, yeah. What is it this time?

Speaker 1 Are you going to set it on fire? Did you see the one where he set the house on fire and the guy had to pull the money out? No, I did not.

Speaker 1 You brought up today on my Mr. Beast videos.

Speaker 1 I thought we were over here to talk beast clips. I'm trying to catch up.

Speaker 1 It's the name of the podcast. It's Beast Clips.
And I go, here he is, not trying again.

Speaker 1 Mr. Beast, I feel like could eliminate me.
So this guy... So this guy is like just tying this.
He's got to leave a burning building. That's great.
To get $500,000. I hope it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I hope the guy burns to death. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want the guy to be.

Speaker 1 He goes, and here the bad news is. Turns out he didn't know it was pull, not push.

Speaker 1 He got trapped in there. Smoke inhalation got him, and then the flames digged.
The good news is he was passed out long before his face melted.

Speaker 1 The bad news is, is when the fire made contact to his face,

Speaker 1 it cut right through. The fireman made a choice to take the money out, not save the victim.

Speaker 1 So that idiot, the virus, like, I just got $500. That's not.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking kidding me? This is a fucking salary for a year.

Speaker 1 Hey, boy. I'm not going to fucking spatula that thing that's on the floor.

Speaker 1 He's like, turns out he melted to the floor. All the boys are.
Yeah, all the boys are. He's like,

Speaker 1 when a thousand-pound person fuses with a couch, he's part of the ground.

Speaker 1 He's the world's biggest YouTube star. His next move is to start a bank.
You can't.

Speaker 1 You can't can't muscle in on the bank. Banking, dude.
He's going to have a tragic

Speaker 1 beast accident. We're doing a bank that isn't backed by the FDIC.

Speaker 1 Meaning, if any of your money goes missing, suck my beastly dick. Hey, 12-year-olds, you should all

Speaker 1 invest in Beast Bank.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he has his own stock market. In 20 years, he would like...
Probably. It's just we are living in Beast World.

Speaker 1 There's like blimps going by. I'm in a courtroom, shackled, and they're playing this clip, and I go, I was a comedian.
I was joking. And they go, silence, old man.
You went against our beauty.

Speaker 1 You disrespected Mr. Beast.
Mr. Beast, what do you think? He goes, 70 days on a burning island.

Speaker 1 And you go, don't film it. I don't want my wife to watch this.
99 lashings in the public square. With a, with a whip.
That's on fire. And you go, how are you going to do this? Remove his eyesight.

Speaker 1 We're taking his eyes and we're giving them to someone else. 1,000 people's eyesight removed.
Yeah, that's what it is. I mean, it is.
He would be a perfect bond villain.

Speaker 1 He'd be a perfect bond villain. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's just insane what's going on. I wouldn't like do people still like him when they're past the age of like 14.
Is this like something they watch where they go?

Speaker 1 Where it's always just like, um, one man versus 12 dogs. Can I tell you?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I've tried to like

Speaker 1 shit watch

Speaker 1 and I get into it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I go like, you watch it and you go,

Speaker 1 it's production value. Sure.
I keep going to click off, but then something happens. Yeah, you go, I don't know.
They're good at it. Yeah.
They're just like good at it.

Speaker 1 It's just whatever that frequency is in your brain. They just slowly, you just, it's had to zone out.
Yeah, you're like,

Speaker 1 it just. I was in a daydream watching this for five hours.
You know how growing up, the two things that they always warned us about that never happened was quicksand and getting hypnotized? Sure.

Speaker 1 Remember how much they made you worry about getting hypnotized when you were a kid? And it was like,

Speaker 1 it was just that swirly thing, and you'd be like, they did it. They somehow did it.
That's what YouTube videos do. You go, like, I'm watching.
And then you go, I'll buy the Mr. Beast chocolate bar.

Speaker 1 I want it. I need the chocolate bar.
As a pothead, I eat

Speaker 1 an irresponsible amount of candy as an adult. Yes.
One time I was in a green room. I won't say whose, but there was a box of Mr.
Beast chocolate bars. I tried one.

Speaker 1 Sucked. Yeah.
If a stoner puts down your candy bar, you're in big trouble. Wow.
Yeah. If I went, no.
He got into the burger business too. Did he? Want to call these burger reviews? Stay tuned.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned. Stay tuned.
You're astro-turping me. You're fucking building this, dude.
Stay tuned.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for my review. I'm not going to tell you more.

Speaker 1 I got one.

Speaker 1 You got to click that button you want to find out what's on there i go i need to know what the secret sauce is the older i get the more i'm like man i can't just keep smoking all the time i gotta go gummies

Speaker 1 and then it's like well what gummies do i get because some really do you in and some you feel like don't even work well check out soul it's a wellness brand that believes feeling good should be fun and easy soul specializes in delicious hemp derived thc and cbd products designed to boost your mood and help you unwind their best-selling out-of-office gummies were designed to provide a mild, relaxing buzz, boost your mood, and enhance creativity and relaxation.

Speaker 1 Five different strengths. You can tailor the dose to fit your vibe, whether you're just like a little 1.5 milligram micro dose to their newest 15 milligram gummy for a more elevated experience.

Speaker 1 You know that elevated experience. Bring on the holiday cheer and treat yourself or someone you love to Seoul this season.
Right now, Seoul is offering my audience 30% off your entire order.

Speaker 1 So all you got to do is go to get soul.com, use the code Soder. That's get Soul, G-E-T-S-O-U-L.com, promo code Soder for 30% off.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what the fucking secret sauce is. Yeah, he keeps launching businesses that all crash because it's not just the attention economy.
It's a actual physical good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So this bank is going to be absolute nuts. Can you bet against it? How do you bet? I don't know.
How can we short this?

Speaker 1 Dude, I would short it. I would short it.

Speaker 1 You know what's so funny is being on a show about finance that I was on billions for like seven seasons. People think I know finance, and I don't know anything about finance.

Speaker 1 So they'll walk up to me and

Speaker 1 quantitative easing.

Speaker 1 Exactly. And they walked out of there.

Speaker 1 This is how stupid I was. This is how stupid I was.
They had a guy on set, shout out Terny Duff, who would sit there and tell us what it meant. Oh, so that your character could know more.

Speaker 1 So I knew what the fuck. meant.
He would explain it to me, an idiot. No, I like that.
That means you're a better actor. You go, just give me the fucking fluff.
I go,

Speaker 1 I go, what is this? You went, the central bank is offloading the

Speaker 1 riff it. And then people, you're better than I was at doing it.
But I remember like being at a comedy club after a show and someone was like, but you get all that finance stuff.

Speaker 1 And I was like, no, not at all. And they're like, you don't know anything? Air squeeze, hostile takeover?

Speaker 1 Nope. Don't know.
And I go, nope. Don't even know.
Honestly, don't even know what the stock market is.

Speaker 1 Can you even remember any of your lines enough to bluff your way through like a party in the Hamptons or something?

Speaker 1 Could you, like, if someone could have it? Honestly, maybe if you would have caught me in like 2023,

Speaker 1 like when this show was wrapping up, I could probably pull some shit from like, you know, episode 708.

Speaker 1 I don't know which one I was in, but something where I say it, where I was like, his quantitative outputs were, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Season, dude, I'm going to tell you right now, you walk up on me in 2018, I'm hitting you with some fake financial advice.

Speaker 1 i'm knowing all the jargon yeah you're just like yeah i'm in the thick i was really doing something oh my god dude i think i might have even been bullshitting about it 2025 i don't know a goddamn thing and i've smoked too much weed my brain's too full of resin now i go dollars

Speaker 1 i don't even know what that means you go i don't know i don't know what was that what was that like was it was there was there times when you i've never seen the show yeah but was there times when you're like just acting with paul giamati and then you just go like are you serious right now

Speaker 1 there was yeah and then you go, fuck, I suck. Yeah.
I suck so bad. I did that with every scene.
Every scene. Because all the people, like, you don't understand this about shows like that.

Speaker 1 Giamatti, obviously. Yeah, he can.
Maggie, Sif, Damian Lewis, all the big dogs. But the people that are really good at acting, like really good at acting, are the unknown people that are around.

Speaker 1 Like the people I worked with, like Asia and Kelly and Daniel and like all these people that I worked with. And you just watch them act and you go, oh, you guys are like.
They're just not popular.

Speaker 1 They're just, they're not famous yet. Sure.
Like Ilfinesh, the girl who played my girlfriend in season one, she was like Bobby's, she was Axelrod's secretary, and we had like a romantic thing.

Speaker 1 She's huge now. She's in, like, she was in that new Spike Lee movie.
She's like everywhere, and she's a fantastic actress. But you like, you know what it is? It's like...

Speaker 1 They were coming up, these guys, was it? Yeah, it's like

Speaker 1 it felt like when I was in comedy and you saw the people that were just kind of doing it just to do it and not really in it.

Speaker 1 And then they would see like the people that were in it and they're like, oh, you're in it. You're like doing mics and writing bits.
That's how it feels with like young actors.

Speaker 1 It's like, I felt felt like i was like an influencer trying to do stand-up yeah that's how i felt in their world like i was like are you out of it now are you gone are you never gonna do i mean like i would do trillions trillions the new ones oh yeah no

Speaker 1 you and the saudi arabian kings

Speaker 1 i want to bring back billions but call it trillions where is mafi bring mafi to be heading square to mafi and then it's me going i talked so much shit when all those guys came over here

Speaker 1 uh it is it is like one of those things things where um it was like an awesome experience but it also showed me that like i'm not yeah for that yeah like i'm just not i think like there's i think i would act in stuff if people wanted me to and they were just kind of like hey act in this but i could never see a world where i'm like really passionate about audition out there because you got to do especially now they're like the amount of jobs they have is so limited yeah if you're like i would just be dunking up the works i would just be like i don't really even care about that.

Speaker 1 Like, I like stand-up. That's all I want to do.
100%. So it is like interesting.
But when I would watch, like, you're talking about doing a scene with Giamatti, you're like, you're so good at this.

Speaker 1 He's so good at it. Even I'm watching.
Damian Lewis. I did most of my scenes with Damian Lewis and Band of Brothers.
Yeah, that's the Band of Brothers, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The guy's fucking done a ton of shit. And I would watch him act and I'd be like.

Speaker 1 Yo,

Speaker 1 I would like want to talk to him about it. I'd be like, that was crazy.
You like did it completely different, but it still worked.

Speaker 1 one time it was uh it was like season two and he was like yelling at us in this lecture and they filmed him first like giving the speech at this lecture hall and then they turned it around to like because he like yells at me and yells at a couple people in the crowd during it or whatever and a lot of the times like big actors they'll turn it around and they'll just like stand there and read their lines like they won't this motherfucker was like acting while we were doing that.

Speaker 1 And he was like off camera and there was like a crane shot that they were doing.

Speaker 1 And I remember he was yelling, doing his monologue and then he dipped under the crane mid-yell and came back up yelling and I was like in my head I was like I almost missed my cue because I was like that's a motherfucking actor

Speaker 1 but I every time I'd be like I suck we were doing an episode that same season where John singleton the guy that did boys in the hood like a legendary director yeah he directed an episode and the scene was like me ilfinesh maggie sif and damien lewis and i was just sitting there and i was like why am i here are there just waiting for one person?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was waiting for like John Singleton's assistant to go, why are you here? Because I was just in a chair and I was like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Genuinely, all I want to do is go outside and take a one-hitter and come back in and watch you guys do this scene. I don't even want to be a part of it.
So funny. But it is like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could see it happen.

Speaker 1 Tim was talking, Tim Dylan's talking about that time. He got shouted out on Batman.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Say your fucking lines, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, he was in Joker 2, which I never saw.

Speaker 1 But Tim is like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like Tim could be in. If Tim popped up in stuff, Tim is such his own personality that he pops up in stuff as Tim Dylan.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He's talking to the, he's talking to him. He's talking to the Joker.
I get it. I get it.
He goes, listen, what you guys are doing, I think is fantastic. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you got to do something. Gotham City's been giving away money.
Why not take some of it? I think burn a little.

Speaker 1 What are we doing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is like, you know, when,

Speaker 1 you know, similar to like Trump showing up in Home Alone 2,

Speaker 1 where his cameo isn't like, oh my God, that's Donald. They don't have to say, oh, my God, that's Donald Trump.
He goes, go down the hall and do that. Like, Tim is like that.
He's like Charles Barkley.

Speaker 1 He like shows up in something and he goes, Charles Barkley isn't going to play like the sheriff. He's going to be like, oh, Charles Barkley.
He's like, what the hell is going on here? That's Tim.

Speaker 1 He just shows up and he's like, where am I? I love it.

Speaker 1 I love that he's that big. Yeah, it's great.
He also like

Speaker 1 Tim's going to get to the point where he can maybe fix big problems in your life. If you go, listen, there's a rezoning happening in Colorado with my mom.
And he'll go, let me talk to him.

Speaker 1 I got a guy. I can make it.
Yeah. And then you go, he's gone this.
And no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Put him back.
Put him back. I went with an extension on the application.

Speaker 1 He would be the guy to call me that goes, you and Colum talking about Mr. Beast has got yourself into some trouble.
And you go, oh, no, he reached out to me. I got a guy on the inside.

Speaker 1 I know Beast. I know Mrs.
Beast. We go to the Hamptons.
We go to the Hamptons quite often. That is the weird part about watching your friends get so famous

Speaker 1 that like,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 There is a point where you go like, oh, the movies were right.

Speaker 1 Where you go like, ain't it about the music anymore, man? Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah. Not like.
What happened to you? Yeah, Shane has stayed Shane. Sure.
And I think that's, we always joke around that it's because of his

Speaker 1 deep level of self-hatred. Yeah, that's a nice one.
It's also been like four weeks of like being the most famous guy like it's been so nate nate's only been famous really for like five years yeah

Speaker 1 but when you see the other people you go damn it really does like long-term it's like the presidency like when they show a picture of obama before the presidency and then after eight years and you're like whoa yeah that's what i think i'll be i wouldn't even need to be have fame if i just owned if i just owned my own house i think that'd be enough for me to be a shithead to have yeah if i just had my own house i'd be like fuck all of you

Speaker 1 You'd hate me.

Speaker 1 I would feel like I'm better than everyone else.

Speaker 1 Try take it. Try it.
I own it and it's got a gun.

Speaker 1 Take it.

Speaker 1 If you want, try it. I absolutely understand that energy and I want it so bad.

Speaker 1 I just own a home and be like, get off my. I'm treating my life like the walking dead.

Speaker 1 People are like, I go, get off my land. Brother, there ain't no community no more.

Speaker 1 There is a level of that where I can never get to that level because I I have,

Speaker 1 I would want to walk away too easy. Like, if I made like what those guys make in a year,

Speaker 1 I would be like, bro, I have a compound just outside of Billings, Montana. Oh, my God.
And I've got, yeah, a couple of my cousins hiring a sniper fucking

Speaker 1 snipers?

Speaker 1 No one's coming for me, but I just want them to be there. Dude, you'd be in Durango, Colorado, and you'd be like, is that Dan Soder? And I just have a giant beard, and I'd go, shut the fuck up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you. The going away thing is real big.
People, I I don't think celebrities right now, because of everybody,

Speaker 1 I'm not talking about comedians. I'm talking about just in general celebrities.

Speaker 1 I think celebrities in general lost a really important tool they used to have in the 90s and 2000s, which it was probably easier to do because there was an industry of leaving.

Speaker 1 Like going away for two years and then coming back out with something and you go, because like, I like Ryan Reynolds. I love like...

Speaker 1 Any of them are just like just like post like Sidney Sweeney's just like posted

Speaker 1 on a boat every day. Everywhere.
And it is. And you know, I don't really know.
I don't think

Speaker 1 as far as the individual goes, it's harder to blame them because it is how society is built right now. And everyone will tell you, like, once people are watching you to get everything you can.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
But then you think about people back in the day and you're like.

Speaker 1 I used to get so excited when Chris Rock would be like, I have a new special coming out. Yeah.
Like, I haven't heard from you in like five years. I forgot you were around.

Speaker 1 And now I'm like super excited for your new thing. So I I think people are just hanging around too long.
And I feel like I do that all the time, even like with this.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm like, is this me hanging around too much? Yeah. Are you guys getting too much of me? Yeah.
Like if people are like, no, that's like.

Speaker 3 Five years ago, I was paying $65 a month for my subscriptions.

Speaker 4 Today, those same subscriptions cost $111 and I don't even use half of them anymore.

Speaker 3 That's why now I use Rocket Money to manage my subscriptions for me.

Speaker 3 The app gives you a list of all your subscriptions and reminds you of upcoming payments so you're not hit with any surprise charges.

Speaker 3 On top of that, it also sends you alerts when subscription prices go up, so you always know the price you're paying.

Speaker 4 If you decide you no longer want a subscription, you can cancel it right from the app.

Speaker 1 No customer service needed.

Speaker 3 And the best part is, Rocket Money even reaches out and tries to get you refunded for some of the money you lost. On average, people that cancel their subscriptions with Rocket Money save $378 a year.

Speaker 3 And overall, Rocket Money has saved its members $880 million in canceled canceled subscriptions. Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

Speaker 4 Go to rocketmoney.com slash cancel to get started. That's rocketmoney.com slash cancel.
Rocketmoney.com slash cancel.

Speaker 2 Running a business is hard enough. So why make it harder? With a dozen different apps that don't talk to each other.
One for sales, another for inventory, a separate one for accounting.

Speaker 2 Before you know it, you are drowning in software instead of growing your business. This is where Odoo comes in.
Odoo is the only only business software you'll ever need.

Speaker 2 It's an all-in-one, fully integrated platform that handles everything. CRM, accounting, inventory, e-commerce, HR, and more.

Speaker 2 No more app overload, no more juggling logins, just one seamless system that makes work easier. And the best part, Odo replaces multiple expensive platforms for a fraction of the cost.

Speaker 2 It's built to grow with your business, whether you are just starting out or already scaling up. Plus, it's easy to use, customizable, and designed to streamline every process.

Speaker 2 So you can focus on what really matters, running your business. Thousands of businesses have made the switch.
So why not you? Try Odoo for free at odoo.com.

Speaker 1 That's odoo.com.

Speaker 1 People will be like, you should do the regs every week. And I'm like, but that's not the, that's not how it is.
You want us to not see each other.

Speaker 1 So when you see each other, it's authentic. But it is.
It's like a weird place we're in right now. Yeah, it's kind of, and you know what?

Speaker 1 Bar shows kind of died out, I think, because of this in New York, because there used used to be a time when like say you samorell whoever was coming up Yeah, people were like oh that guy's sick We got to go see him at some at like Hannibal's club because that's who you see now someone goes oh, there's a new dance older You just immediately go on their Instagram page just seven and a half hours of them doing jokes and then you go I'll never leave my house and that's why I think I'm like pretty

Speaker 1 I'm pretty like I'm a stickler for what I release stand-up wise. Sure.
Because if you come like I'm on tour right now, none of that shit's online. No.
None of that shit's online.

Speaker 1 I don't do any of that competing stuff. And you know what's great about that is the one thing that if we did have the taser, this is when Pimp would tase me about comedy.
No, no. But we can't.

Speaker 1 Because it'll give me a heart attack and I'm not dying on air. Did you come up with a taser thing? No, I bought one.
And then I read.

Speaker 1 We had a Nerf gun on our podcast for anytime someone got too serious, we'd shoot them in the face. But then it turns out it was just the whole thing.
The whole show was just us.

Speaker 1 I bought, I bought. It was was a Mexican standoff the whole pod.
I bought a taser for anytime I talked about comedy too long. He should go over and fucking

Speaker 1 be like, I'm sorry. But then I read the instructions and it was like, this is for a hog.

Speaker 1 If you do this to a person, they'll die. And I was like, so I just have it in there.
Because then if shit pops off. Oh, can I get, are you can't taser? You literally can't tase me? No, it'll kill you.

Speaker 1 What, really? No, it says like, and I looked it up. How did you get it into this state? Amazon.

Speaker 1 You can buy it on Amazon. Shadow Bezos.
And it looks just on the thing. It says, do not interact with me.
Do not do this on a podcast for a bit. Do not.

Speaker 1 Your sponsors will be very mad.

Speaker 1 Whitney Cummins died years ago doing this bitch. She got brought back.
We rebuilt her. You think that's why she's a little weird? We rebuilt her.
She was on the other side.

Speaker 1 We brought her back against her will. But it is, it's like...
Too much money would have been lost. But I feel like with stand-up, it's like

Speaker 1 everything,

Speaker 1 you know, I don't want anything online because how shitty that would be to like see something and then go see it. It's the opposite of like

Speaker 1 music. Music, you want to know what you're going to see, but stand-up, it's like, it's a trick.
I get that, but I'm about to, I am literally, guys, I have to, I'm about to just be a content queen.

Speaker 1 Dog. I'm about to queen it up.
I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going to be in a fucking van talking about how

Speaker 1 show your butthole.

Speaker 1 Subscribe to your own channel. I'm doing some shit.
There is a moment where you do have to decide that. I'm just going.
I can't.

Speaker 1 When I was talking to Pimp, before when I left the bonfire, there there was like a year where I had nothing.

Speaker 1 And it's like, people that love stand-up are going to come out and see you, but it's the other people that fill the seats. Sure.

Speaker 1 So you have like your core audience, which always is going to want to watch you do stand-up, which thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. You're the fucking best.
Yeah, shout out to my two. But then, but that it is funny.

Speaker 1 And then you watch like the people that are like with you when you put out shit and then like you leave and you go, Yeah, why don't I do this?

Speaker 1 And we talked and he's like, Well, I'll just put out shit for you because you hate doing it. Yeah.
And you're like, Yeah, great. Be my butthole.

Speaker 1 Just poop stuff out for me because I am such a tight butthole. I'm constipated.

Speaker 1 But then you do have to be like conscious of like, well, I don't want to put out that stand-up. I don't think it's ready to be filmed yet.
Because I feel like there are people that are like,

Speaker 1 and then they're like, I got more. I got more.
And it's, I'd be mad as fuck if I was like, you didn't even work on this. Yeah.
You're just like, son, what do you guys want to talk about? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think that could be just like this idea of waiting for this perfect stand-up might be just an old thing.

Speaker 1 That's whatever the equivalent of these old guys going, you're burning your hour. That's the act.

Speaker 1 Now we're like, no, no, no. It's the first thought you have comes to your head.
You drive it out there.

Speaker 1 This time next week, they'll forget about Charlie Kirk. Poop isn't supposed to be solid.
It's supposed to be loose and liquid-like. And you go, I think that's diarrhea.

Speaker 1 You're like, force it out. Dude, because like I can sit here on my couch and talk all the shit I want about fucking burger rating videos or whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Watch me six years from now being like, hey guys, I'm reviewing old, I'm reviewing old action figures. These ones are pretty sturdy.

Speaker 1 I'm about to get into like survival content where I just like go out to Montana and try not to get eaten by a bear. And like, worst case scenario, I get eaten by a bear.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Why do we

Speaker 1 guess what? Your lovely wife is going to have to edit that footage. Either way, those bills are gone.
Yeah, that is crazy. Did you ever watch the movie Grizzly Man about the guy that lives with me?

Speaker 1 I know about it. I know about that guy.

Speaker 1 I am organizing a hike, though, to Wyoming. We're in the bears.
I'm going to do a solo eight-day walk.

Speaker 1 As someone from Colorado, how experienced with hiking are you? I've done some hiking. I think I'll be going.
I'm not going to go in raw. I'm not going to just

Speaker 1 survive a plane crash. No, it's not wilderness.
You're not going naked and afraid. No, no, I'm not bear grilled where I have to make a bomb.
You're going to have like a pack, but.

Speaker 1 No, you have a pack with you. And then there's like a...
What are you going to do in Wyoming?

Speaker 1 you're gonna go up to the national park uh it's southeast yellowstone there's a place called the thoroughfare which is the most isolated part in the lower 48 and it's an eight-day hike but like i've watched loads of videos of people it's literally like old women who are like 60 going okay and then they walk but they walk and then they have to go hey bear hey bear hey bear and then the bears go ah and they run away from all the old bears only realized the ones that don't yeah

Speaker 1 the ones that would be the biggest problem

Speaker 1 bears are just scary as fuck

Speaker 1 I'm like Mr. Bear or whatever.
I'm like, oh, you're like Grizzly Man? I'm Grizzly Man. That's Quincy.

Speaker 1 Watching the Warner Husag documentary.

Speaker 1 He goes, Quincy, Quincy doesn't like to be done. And that's the one that kills him.
Yeah, the whole time. He's like, that's my friend.
And then the bear's like, watch this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, when I lived with my aunt, she lived in a town in Alaska called Soldotna. Oh, yeah.
And she

Speaker 1 had a house, but she owned like an acre behind it. And she had a neighbor that was like maybe 50 yards next to her.
And they had a house. And they had an acre behind it.

Speaker 1 But it was up this like fucking giant hill.

Speaker 1 And it's like light all the time. So it's like one in the morning.
It's just 24 hours. It's like kind of dusk, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they had this golden retriever that they used to fucking have chained in the back, which I always thought was like weird because it's a golden retriever. It's like.
It's an inside fluffy dog.

Speaker 1 What are you doing, keeping it outside? But there, dude, the dog is outside. Jurassic Park situation.

Speaker 1 Dude, almost, it almost looked exactly like it because it was a stake in the ground with a chain link thing and it was pinned. And the dog is like,

Speaker 1 and I look up the hill and there's just this giant brown bear like looking down at the hill. But like, I want to see 20 yards between the dog and the bear.
And the bear's like,

Speaker 1 oh no. Making this noise.
And I was smoking a cigarette and I was like,

Speaker 1 I might have to watch this dog get eaten by a bear. Yeah.
Like, I can't go inside and not know what happened yeah it's not

Speaker 1 a fucking open shooter yeah you got a fucking you gotta you gotta the bear ain't gonna be like all right what are you looking at yeah you're next yeah tell them what you saw

Speaker 1 but I also didn't want to go inside and then go to bed and wake up the next day and there's just a chain on the ground and I go what happened there's a bunch of dog legs scattered around the place there's a hair and then a chain on the ground And I watched, dude, and this fucking bear like got a little bit closer, growling, but the dog was just like,

Speaker 1 and finally the bear was like now you're difficult yeah yeah turned around and ran these guys don't want the fuck they don't want trouble they don't want unless it's fucking grizzly man and he's doing a little selfie and it's right before because that was nap time right they were about to go on their big long winter nap and they're cranky like toddlers and they're about to do that and this guy kept video and they said all right fuck this dude they wouldn't do it if i if he goes if i have to wake up and this annoying fuck is still here that's i swear to god i'm going to bed for four months if this fucking guy is here i'm gonna fucking you know what fuck this i'm gonna eat him right now

Speaker 1 and then his poor his poor girl his poor girlfriend was dragged along with him remember

Speaker 1 grizzly man yeah yeah he took her not grizzly woman because he he hadn't yet met her an honest lady oh no

Speaker 1 so it's miss grizzly man

Speaker 1 you have mrs grizzly and she that poor woman was like is you sure to save he's like it's always great but he had never gone that time of year Yeah, because that was right at the end of the

Speaker 1 hibernate or whatever, the feeding season, where they start acting crazy. They also say that on the other end is when they get out.

Speaker 1 So the thoroughfare, I don't don't think you're allowed to do it in April because that's when they're all waking up. And if they see you, they'll just come charging at you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they go, well, look at this big bag of meat. Yeah.
They go, well, I'm a little pissy. Yeah.
And there's a big bag of meat that I'm faster than.

Speaker 1 That would be funny, though, if we had to hunt like bears and just hamburgers were slow. You just saw a hamburger walking and a hamburger is like, hey, human.
Hey, Taylor.

Speaker 1 Confusing. I don't like that talking hamburger.
But then one of us just goes, fuck this shit.

Speaker 1 And then you're like it's so good do they do that the first bite with bears do they go this is so good oh i was starving like a review yeah all right what's up everybody i'm a grizzly bear today we're eating some irish meat yeah

Speaker 1 uh this guy it's a little bit stringier than like the fat american bear you could tell he smokes cigarettes for too long but it's marbled it's definitely the fat is marbled it's putting its paw behind the piece so the camera can pick it up yeah and he's ripping you up now you just rip up this rib here.

Speaker 1 This way, you get some really good lungs. This is a guy that grew up with not that many saturated fats in his diet.
And I can really tell you. Overall, not the best, not the worst.
I'll give it a 6.2.

Speaker 1 Bears.

Speaker 1 That's how you know nature's healing when animals are doing review videos of humans they've killed. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, dude, I don't know, man. We might be cooked.

Speaker 1 There's one human killed a year by a grizzly bear. Is that what it is? Would I be that guy? I don't think so.
The only problem is. I'll tell you what.
This episode would do numbers.

Speaker 1 Please re-release this. If I get munched by a bear,

Speaker 1 if I survive and I'm badly injured, that doesn't count. And then the podcast cringes like, now he's danced sane to call him.
He wants them to die. I mean, can you be any fucking dumber? Can you be...

Speaker 1 They just said don't go hiking. This is Brandon Shaw's level of stupidity.
The fact that he thinks that bears won't eat him because he's Irish shows how incredibly stupid he is.

Speaker 1 The problem I've heard of this is that the bear, bear, because you can startle the bear. That's the worst part is because, like,

Speaker 1 that's why they're embarrassed.

Speaker 1 Son of a bitch. Then they go,

Speaker 1 and they go, oh, shit. Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 They buck, they buck out. That's what happens.
That's what the worst is. Because if they see you, they'll probably run away.
Right? But they'll get if they have kids, they'll protect them.

Speaker 1 But if they see if you scare them, but what happens is you pull out your fucking bear spray. And if the wind is going like towards you, you end up just spraying yourself in the face.

Speaker 1 And then the bears. He goes, well, ah, ah, witches worse.
He comes over and he goes,

Speaker 1 I'm going to get you. Yeah.
No, he chases and you don't run away. He's like, ah, this is kind of a...
I don't know. It's kind of fun if you ran away.
Yeah, yeah. He needs you to be into it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 100%. You know, you're just like laying there.
It just feels easy. I don't know.
I used to talk shit about moose because they eat plants and they don't move. I just feel like a hypocrite.

Speaker 1 Can you run? Can you run for it? Dude, that's absolutely something I would do if Katie and I were on a hike and I was like, Katie, I got this. This is why I brought the bear maze.

Speaker 1 Just watching it drift into her face. And she's like,

Speaker 1 and i'm like oh

Speaker 1 oh god the bear just pushes right by you look after her he's like wow thanks for seasoning this one for me 100 yeah dude i wouldn't want to dude fuck that be careful i will see i gotta i do have to like run this by my wife so there's a huge there's a big chance that she's just goes absolutely not when do you plan on doing it uh

Speaker 1 august i think I got to look into it more. I do got to look into it more, but we'll see.

Speaker 1 But I would love to do it. Eight days? Me

Speaker 1 in the middle of nowhere. Come back.
I'll see. It'd be like a year from now.
Yeah, maybe. I'll come back.
Come back.

Speaker 1 I love that. Just like I've gone off to war.
Yeah. Come back.
Come back. Come back to me.
Make sure you see me.

Speaker 1 Hey, write to me while you're out there. I'm going to give you a letter with perfume that I wear.

Speaker 1 Open this when you get there.

Speaker 1 Promise me you'll wait until you get there. Yeah, dude.
You come back with a giant. Well, dude, there's a lot of people.
Yeah, we set our watches to look at the stars at the same time.

Speaker 1 I just know Colin's somewhere in Wyoming right now.

Speaker 1 I'm just,

Speaker 1 help! sooner.

Speaker 1 I hope he's looking up at the same moon.

Speaker 1 Just a bear eating your insides. Check out, go listen to Cockfight, the podcast he has with me.
Or IP Colin Turtle, mauled by a bear.

Speaker 1 Colin Turtle, dead from bear, but episodes alive with him, Lev Ferd, and Drew Dunn. Check out Cockfight.
Check out the Colin Turrell show. Coming back.

Speaker 1 If, if, if, CBA. And also, especially, just go subscribe to the show.
Yeah, go on to my YouTube channel. That's all I've got.
Colin is fucking hilarious. I've known him forever.

Speaker 1 I'm glad he moved to America. Thank you.
And I hope he doesn't get killed by a bear in Wyoming.

Speaker 1 Thanks, guys. That's it.
Thank you.

Speaker 5 OnDeck is built to back small businesses like yours. Whether you're buying equipment, expanding your team, or bridging cash flow gaps, ONDEC's loans up to $250,000 help make it happen fast.

Speaker 5 Rated A-plus by the Better Business Bureau and earning thousands of five-star trust pilot reviews, ONDEC delivers funding you can count on. Apply in minutes at on deck.com.

Speaker 5 Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic Bank. Ondeck does not lend in North Dakota, all loans and amount subject to lender approval.

Speaker 7 California has millions of homes that could be damaged in a strong earthquake. Older homes are especially vulnerable to quake damage, so you may need to take steps to strengthen yours.

Speaker 7 Visit strengthenyourhouse.com to learn how to strengthen your home and help protect it from damage. The work may cost less than you think and can often be done in just a few days.

Speaker 7 Strengthen your home and help protect your family. Get prepared today and worry less tomorrow.

Speaker 6 Visit strengthenyourhouse.com.

Speaker 8 Your spending, your rules. The Klarna card is your debit card, upgraded, letting you choose how to pay in full now or plan ahead to pay later.

Speaker 8 It works anywhere Visa is accepted, and you can earn up to 10% cash back when shopping in the Klarna app.

Speaker 8 Sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn more at klarna.com/slash US/slash Klarna dash card.

Speaker 8 Klarna Card, Klarna Balance, and Card Pay Later plans are issued by Web Bank member FDIC. Cashback terms apply, offers vary by store.