106: PH Mickey Ds with Mike Lawrence | Soder Podcast | EP 104

Speaker 1 Hey everybody, I'm on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. It's been awesome so far.
Friday, November 7th at the Empire Theater in San Antonio, Texas. Gonna have a hell of a time.

Speaker 1 I'm excited for this show. November 8th, the Paramount Theater, Austin, Texas.
One of my favorite theaters in the country. This shit rules.

Speaker 1 I got to open for Hannibal Burris there like 10 years ago and I loved it. Came back, did it at Part of his Moon Tower.
Well, guess what? I'm back, baby, with a full new hour.

Speaker 1 going to be with brendan sagalo and matt ross have a hell of a show november 8th at the paramount theater austin texas as part of the golden retriever of comedy tour go to dansoder.com to get your tickets go to dansoder.com don't go to google don't be an idiot dansoder.com it's for the best deals

Speaker 1 people don't realize on the road that that's such like a fill for people is just playing video games that's why i love my steam deck man i just download all the wrestlers wrestlers do now and then everyone's like, oh, we used to party.

Speaker 1 I'm like, yeah, and then you died. We learned.
Remember everyone was dying at 35? Yeah. Wrestlers now live too old.

Speaker 1 And then they're like out there saying opinions where you go, I think you took too many chair shots. Yeah, now waitresses say that we could have tipped a little bit more for,

Speaker 1 you know, so they could feed their kids, but they know that they're not our kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's got to be.

Speaker 1 Do you think that was the most fun time to be a professional wrestler? It was like 70s, 80s.

Speaker 1 You think it was horrible.

Speaker 1 I think it was was one of the worst times to be a professional wrestler you more than like uh so like when they do that oh the good old days thing oh it's bullshit well because nobody respected you yeah you know the the schedule was the worst

Speaker 1 insane and no video games yeah you said no video games you said to do cocaine you know there's like stories of um if you read that book american scream about bill hicks he got like super into nintendo when it first came out and would like take a nintendo around with him and you're like amazing oh that what a what a forefather because we all do that now well you forget he was what 32 when he died yeah so he would have been and that was 94 so in 85 he would have been 23.

Speaker 1 yeah so he would have been like yeah and it was right when he quit drinking that he got super into video games and i was like hey that's how it works

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 I mean, everyone says that they want to see comics like that now. And I go, I don't think you do.
No, they do. They do and they're sad.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't think it would have been the thing that people wanted. You want to know what the most powerful thing in the world is? Someone who can leave.
Oh, my God. Dude, it was so great.

Speaker 1 We were at the.

Speaker 1 I have a fantasy of later in life leaving and having a beard like yours and just living off the land with a dog. Yeah.
And my lady.

Speaker 1 Just living there.

Speaker 1 But what were you saying? Well, once I get divorced, I'll be living with a dog that is my lady.

Speaker 1 And I just call it lady dog. Lady Dog.

Speaker 1 Lady Dog. That's why I always love when you see Stone Cold talking to his animals.
There's nothing better on the internet than watching Stone Cold talk to a cat. Unless you're one of his kids.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, you got all the time in the world for the fucking dogs, but you haven't. Can we hang out? Yeah, that's got to suck.
Social media, watching a deadbeat dad.

Speaker 1 You never think about that. He missed another birthday.
Stone Cold. Stone Cold.

Speaker 1 I would love if.

Speaker 1 He has a family. No, I don't.
If they.

Speaker 1 I i can make these jokes right the show didn't sell yeah i mean the show sold it just didn't get made having a deadbeat dad now with social media must be so much harder

Speaker 1 watching their stories if you see your kid watched your story you're like oh fuck i posted i was at the water park with my new girlfriend and my son saw it on my like i couldn't imagine growing up with my dad and checking social media and like in the 90s and seeing my dad being like hammered at the bowling alley again and he's got like a fucking Steve Winwood song

Speaker 1 I mean I know someone like who abandoned abandoned that boy and the whole thing was like they're like yeah but they're probably doing this and this and then I looked up like no they're not and and it's like it's what do you mean they're not they're not doing well they're doing okay

Speaker 1 you know they they kids doing okay because there's a lot of narcissists right who need to believe that like Like, well, I had to leave my son because I had to leave, but also because I'm a great person and they're not, their life must be terrible because I wasn't around sure

Speaker 1 but then there are people

Speaker 1 there are people who end up uh still having great lives sometimes you know to spite their family

Speaker 1 and yeah

Speaker 1 but you know what I mean but it's like you can see it's like yeah did he do it right I mean I know I would go as far as say I know a lot of people that have had abandoned fathers that did fantastic.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it's probably because of that.
Well, and it's, you know, it's interesting, like, people will ask, like, you know, we have an adopted son and like, how transparent are we? And all of that.

Speaker 1 And besides the fact that he genetically does not look like us at all. I mean, yeah, you're raising up, you have a, for those that don't know, Mike and his wife adopted a

Speaker 1 black child. Yes.
You got a black son. Yeah, yeah.
Which is going to be awesome. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you and your son. So he wants to watch wrestling and I just had to be like, well, we should skip this and this and this.
It's pretty racist. Hey, let's watch WrestleMania 6.

Speaker 1 Maybe not Piper and Bad News Brown.

Speaker 1 Well, the guy does come out half black. And he's like, I'm a Hulk Hogan fan.
You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't be.

Speaker 1 You can't be a Hogan. Okay, fine.
I like the Ultimate Warrior. Even worse.
Even worse.

Speaker 1 You can't like any classic wrestlers because you're like, ah, there's just... He's like Junkyard Dog.

Speaker 1 And you're like, okay. And Ultimate Warrior didn't have a lot of nuance.
He wasn't like, oh, yeah, but Black Queeran does make the world work.

Speaker 1 But I mean, you haven't, haven't, you were saying that you have to explain. Do you, do people ask like, oh,

Speaker 1 I get crappy comments, but I was going to say was that with social media and 23andMe and all this stuff, it's like that, that generation of adoptive parents who lie to their kids, which all it did was end up breeding resentment anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just not being honest.
If I found out, but now it's so easy to find out. Yeah.
Cause now you can just do the testing and go like,

Speaker 1 but it's not like you're an NBA player ducking the financial responsibility. yeah.
It's like just people are finding out. I didn't even think about that.

Speaker 1 That now people are much more open with adoption. In the 80s, they were like, If your son was like, Have I adopted? and you're like, No,

Speaker 1 he's like, I'm black. And they're like, Well, that's the money.
You wait till they're like 13 and tell them they're from Planet Krypton

Speaker 1 that their dad and mom were so dumb that they could only make a baby-sized spaceship.

Speaker 1 It's only all we have is this junior spaceship.

Speaker 1 That was was like a sketch I would have write is the mom being like,

Speaker 1 you couldn't have made one big enough for us. He's like, no, I mean, I just couldn't think of one that could fit me, you, and the kid.
No, just me and the kid.

Speaker 1 Not all of us. Just me and the kid.
You know, you're a little bigger than you think. Oh, wait, now you're fast shaving me?

Speaker 1 But then you think if Kal El and his mom make it to Earth, single mom,

Speaker 1 her trying to date with Khalel.

Speaker 1 And he's like, hello, Khalel. I've heard a lot about about you.
And he's like,

Speaker 1 he fucking zaps him. Having Superman as your stepson.
And she's just snoo-snooing a bunch of like guys to death at bars. She's just like, I bang guys and I just rip right through them.

Speaker 1 Like that element of the boys where they, like in the comic, where they like fuck people to death. And he's like, I've gone through like six stepdads by the time I was 10.

Speaker 1 Let me just tell you something about my pussy. Paper never beats rock.

Speaker 1 He's like, I'm going to come. And she's like, I can handle it.
Like, actually, paper does beat Rob. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know exactly what I mean. It is, um,

Speaker 1 yeah, I've never thought about the spaceship in Superman is only built for a baby. Yeah, it's the dumbest thing.
No wonder this civilization just was destroyed.

Speaker 1 You guys didn't have the thought to maybe build a couple different spaceships. And they're like, oh, damn, you know what? We only got the baby one perfected.
Well, because then Supergirl ends up on a

Speaker 1 adult-sized spaceship, and she's okay. And she's saying that crypto.
Are you a fan of James Gunn taking over DC? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 I mean, because D.C. was in disarray.

Speaker 1 It was brutal. And I mean.

Speaker 1 What about The Rock, though? What if seven bucks would have gotten?

Speaker 1 He tried. He tried so hard.
Look that story up.

Speaker 1 Thankfully, Black Adam only made seven bucks. I mean, dude.

Speaker 1 If you read up on The Rock

Speaker 1 Trine, them trying to keep premiering at the

Speaker 1 premiere, he had his whiskey. Black Adam.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's amazing because

Speaker 1 we are the perfect intersection of like wrestling and comic fan that we understand both worlds. Oh, yeah.
And the fact that The Rock

Speaker 1 tried to book a superhero franchise like a wrestler. Yeah, it doesn't work for me, brother.
Where it was like,

Speaker 1 we had Shazam coming, and he's like, Yeah, no, no, not some mid-carter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then he's like, I gotta work with the top guy. I gotta work with Superman.
But it's like, but it doesn't make sense. Like, you literally say Shazam and turn into Black Adam.

Speaker 1 And you're from the Shazam comic. Yes.
And he goes, yeah, brother, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Did you not know that was what happened? So Black Adam, they wanted a cameo from Superman, and DC was like, we're going to give you Shazam because you're in the Shazam world.

Speaker 1 And they wanted him to debut in the Shazam movies. Yeah.
And he was like, no, I got it. And he's like, no, I want the top guy in DC.
Give me Superman. Yeah, yeah.
And he made Black Adam a...

Speaker 1 a babyface when black adam's a heel yes yes yes so that's also the most rock thing

Speaker 1 the best part of of the movie is that I never watched it. Shout out Mo Amer, though.
He was in it. Yeah, yeah.
Good job, Mo. Get that check.
Yeah, yeah. And watch Mo on Netflix.

Speaker 1 I'm just plugging Mo Amer's shit right now.

Speaker 1 No, he's funny it, but no, it's

Speaker 1 that's that's a great thing is that you could have friends in bad movies, but they're good in the bad movies.

Speaker 1 So when I'm talking about it, oh, Henry Sabrowski's in a couple that I was like, that one sucked. And he's like, it was fun to make, though.
Dude, I've been. The one with Sharon Stone.

Speaker 1 Dude, with, you know, my autism, it's like, I can't lie. And I remember Kumeo was was like, What'd you think of eternals? And I was like, You were great.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I did it. You did it.
I did it. He's

Speaker 1 great. But you're learning.
Yeah. You're learning.
You got to understand, Mike and I go back 20 years. You were one of my first friends that I made in New York City when I moved here.
You and Dan St.

Speaker 1 Germain and I outside of stand-up New York doing an open mic. We were all wrestling fans.
So we ended up just talking about pro wrestling. Here's my specific autism.
We met on

Speaker 1 January 8th, 2007 at 5.30 p.m. at New York Comedy Club.
That's exactly what I moved to New York. Tino.
Tino.

Speaker 1 I moved to New York January 6th. John Schwartz was the host.
Yep. I moved here January 6th, 2007.
My first open mic was January 7th.

Speaker 1 The more important January 6th is when I stormed New York.

Speaker 1 It's when I went after New York. No, I tell people the story.

Speaker 1 I also, too, tried to hang Mike Pence.

Speaker 1 But that was when I was moving here. He was just an upstart fucking congressman in Indiana.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But Mike and I have known each other. No, so we met that we met that day because it was both of our first open mics ever in New York.

Speaker 1 And no, I tell people the story because we didn't see each other again for like another two years. It was like

Speaker 1 you went on to do like the clubs and barking and working at clubs. And I just did every awful open mic.
You would do 10 a night. Yeah.
Because we'd bump into each other.

Speaker 1 Occasionally we'd bump into each other. But it wasn't for a while.
It wasn't for it. It was like we didn't hang until the creek.
Yes. And then the creek, we all started going to the creek.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's when you and me started. In fact, you came over to my house in Queens to watch a UFC.
Yes, yes. We watched, I think it was Brock Lesnar.
Yeah, I think. It might have been Lesnar Mir.

Speaker 1 It was not. No, it wasn't Lesnar Mirror.
No, it was what? It was 100. Yeah.
No, it was another. No, it was.
That was the rematch. It was Chick Congo, I believe.
Yeah. It was a Chick Congo fight.

Speaker 1 But was it against Lesnar or

Speaker 1 Lesnar? You came over and I remember.

Speaker 1 It was against the tall Stefan Struve or whatever. Yeah, the seven-footer that looked like the alien in Romulus.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I remember hanging out at the creek and then I remember you pulled a move where I was like,

Speaker 1 I could be friends with this guy, where you had an empty 20 ounce of Coke and you just went behind the bar and filled it and then you put it in your backpack and you're like, let's go watch ufc and i was like i with this guy

Speaker 1 you did that i was like that's a great move

Speaker 1 and then we went to my house when i was living under the

Speaker 1 say that as if i had a choice i know no but i you know what it was it wasn't that i thought you were i thought you were doing it because you needed the soda and i was like what a brilliant move yeah yeah yeah i would have just gone oh i'm out of money and this is an empty soda but you were like Watch this.

Speaker 1 And then you got, I forget, I think it might have been Rojo was bartending or someone. And they were like, all right, go ahead.
And then you got to go. Yeah, you go, buddy.

Speaker 1 Now you go, body. Yeah.
But I think you were the first person that I knew that discovered they had autism. Yeah.
And then it all made sense. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You were a person because. I mean, you know lots of people with it, but I'm the first one who discovered it.
You are the first person who went. Lots of people flew kites with keys.

Speaker 1 I was the first one who got struck by lightning. Yeah, you're Ben Franklin, baby.
Yeah. But I remember because you had woodshed.

Speaker 1 We get our own almanac. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You were doing a woodshed. Yeah.
And the criticism of Mike was,

Speaker 1 as you just said, you couldn't lie.

Speaker 1 So people would go like, was that a good joke? And Mike would just go, no. And he'd be like, it's a weak premise.
It has no setup.

Speaker 1 Like, in a way that actually was helpful, but a lot of people didn't take well. A lot of people that weren't good at comedy couldn't understand that criticism.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So they were just like, But I was always like, I loved it. I'd go like, is that a punchline? And you'd go, oh, it's it's below you.
Like, it would be an easy punchline and we'd be at the pit.

Speaker 1 And you'd go, like, nah, that punchline's below you. And I'd be like, frustrated with Mike.
I'm like, you fucking. And then when you were like, I'm autistic, it's like, makes sense.

Speaker 1 You could see things much clearer than a lot of people that were on the bus. It just took me 11 extra years.
Yeah. I could see everything but my own autism.
What did that, what was that?

Speaker 1 Was that like a relief? Oh, yeah. When you found out? Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I did it because we were in the adoption process and I was like, you know, lots of people were like, oh,

Speaker 1 I'd say three out of ten insufferable people who say, hey, I'm just who I am, have autism.

Speaker 1 The other seven are just insufferable. Have you ever heard Michael Che's joke about mental health in the black community? No.

Speaker 1 And he goes, there's a lot of people going around that have mental health problems, but they're just calling themselves Geminis. Yeah.
He's like, I'm just a Gemini.

Speaker 1 He's like, no, I think you got some deeper issues. It's fucking great.
I'm fucking up that punchline, but it's a great job. I remember seeing Michael Che at the creek, and he did this bit about

Speaker 1 how,

Speaker 1 you know, the planet is fine, but we're fucked. And he gets off stage and I go, Carlin.
Yeah. But he was, but it was great because he was new.
He was brand new.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was, maybe it was like a year in, but like, he was like, thanks. Like,

Speaker 1 some people hated it. Some people were like, all right.
They don't do that now anymore. No.
No one does that anymore. No.
I tried to do it to another comedian recently and they were upset.

Speaker 1 I went, hey, I just want to let you know. That's like a Seinfeld bit from like mid-80s.
Yes. And they were like okay

Speaker 1 and then still doing it and you're like ah

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 and then what's funny is that then

Speaker 1 they'll do the bit on a special everyone will say that and someone will be like well how did no one tell him like we did yeah he just they just ignore it yeah yeah well it is we're we're in the age of like uh that doesn't matter anymore it doesn't matter if like oh richard jenny had a similar or like robert you know what i mean like there's like jokes where you're like, there's been decades of stand-up.

Speaker 1 People have gotten to the same thoughts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I actually was at Richard Jenny's estate sale the week after he killed himself, and I actually bought most of his jokes. So I can do them.
Like, have you seen Lawrence? Very Jenny-like. Yeah,

Speaker 1 because he had a cameo and the mask.

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Speaker 1 But that is, I mean, that's got to be very satisfying to find out something like that. Oh, yeah, it it was comforting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was, you know, it was interesting, too, because it was like, you know, I talked to my wife about it and she's like, well, yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, I'm the only one who needs to know. And I always knew.

Speaker 1 So she always knew. She always knew.
Yeah. Yeah.
My mom, like. Was your mom blown away? Yeah, but she was.
I think parents take that kind of shit personal. They really took it personal.

Speaker 1 Well, my dad was cool with it. My dad was like, yeah, I probably messed up too.
You know? Yeah. Yeah.
And then

Speaker 1 you get it from me. And my mom was like, I didn't know you weren't supposed to smoke when you were pregnant.
That's so funny. She's like, the labels were so small.
That's so funny. It was the best.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I went bungee jumping like six times in the second trimester.
It was perfect because I was like, I want you to watch. Because, yeah, this was when Love on the Spectrum was coming out.

Speaker 1 She's like, I want you to watch Love on the Spectrum. I think that this will help you understand me.
And she watches and she goes, Those parents are so brave.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're making it about you. Yeah.
I was like, hey, you know how you can't stop with your bullshit? I can't stop with mine. Yeah, so we're even now.

Speaker 1 But there is, that is got to be like, because I think so many people want to be diagnosed now because life is hard. Yeah.
So they just want the easy out. You have to put the work is the thing.

Speaker 1 Like you have to do the therapy. You have to like actually.

Speaker 1 Like it's nice when people say like, oh, you are more mellow or you are nicer because it's like if you're...

Speaker 1 I noticed an immediate change. At the time after I saw that, you were much more, you know what it was? You were much more comfortable with yourself.
Yeah. Because I've known you for a long time.

Speaker 1 And the thing was you would always be uncomfortable in a way where, like, Mike, you don't have to be uncomfortable. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And after I saw you get diagnosed like that, you're like, no, I'm this, this makes me understand me.

Speaker 1 To be fair, Stephan Shruve beat Chic Congo and Chic Congo didn't defend himself. I would have every right to be uncomfortable.
Yes, absolutely. You would have every right to do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also, I wasn't living with Vecch Young yet. I think I had like two random roommates.
So it was just like two random guys watching UFC with us after coming back from like a late creep or something.

Speaker 1 Oh, my buddy Vic. Yeah.
Yeah, he's losing weight now. That's great.
He's looking great. That's great.
I got him tickets to shout out Pat Buck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because either, you know, I just remember seeing him 15 years ago, and either he lost some of the weight or he was going to lose all of it forever. So I'm glad the

Speaker 1 man, he did, he did really fucking good. I'm really proud of him.
He's like a brother to me, but he. He's a sweetheart, yeah.
I got him

Speaker 1 because of Pat Buck. I got Pat hooked up tickets for all in because Vic lives in Texas now.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 I texted, Vic texted me and he's like, look at, these are the best seats I've ever had. They were great.
They were like five rows back from the ring.

Speaker 1 And I asked, I was like, Pat, thanks for hooking that up. And then Pat wrote,

Speaker 1 it's cool. I just told them he was a former Luchador because Vic's Mexican.
But he's like, he's big. He's still big.
And you're like, that's so funny that someone was like, this guy was a luchador?

Speaker 1 And you're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Was on that TV? He was LSO WIPO. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it was awesome. It was like, it was was funny thinking like, oh, people might have been treating him different, being like, hello, sir.

Speaker 1 And he's like, cool, hi. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But that,

Speaker 1 man, that's crazy. You remember the date we met? St.
Germaine had. That's part of my autism.
I have very specific memory of it. St.
Germaine was where, or no, it was Matt McCarthy was also, they were.

Speaker 1 They were doing a show at Stand Up New York after our open mic.

Speaker 1 It was a Montreal audition, I think.

Speaker 1 That day?

Speaker 1 No, it wouldn't have been. It was January.
So it wouldn't have been. And that was at New York Comedy Club.

Speaker 1 That wasn't New York Comedy Club? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that was that Monday.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why do I misplace it? Yeah. You know what? There was another time where me, you, and Dan St.
Germain talked on the corner of 78th and Broadway about wrestling for like 40 minutes.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. And that's what I'm thinking of.

Speaker 1 Man, you really feel for those homeless people that have to listen to us.

Speaker 1 They go, I'm crazy and I don't want to hear this. I don't even know if my thoughts are my own.
Am I gay if I like viscerous tits?

Speaker 1 I just want to suck on them.

Speaker 1 Us comforting Dan. No, that's cool, Dan.
Yeah, that um, I mean, living in LA, you must see a lot of people that fake autism for clicks. Yeah, they're called agents and managers.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm so autistic for this. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, I

Speaker 1 get asked to

Speaker 1 be the

Speaker 1 detector. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 do you make like autistic noises when you get closer to it are you like

Speaker 1 my mic is going off the meter right now yeah it's six million dollar man jumping the original steve austin

Speaker 1 and you go he's got it he's got the autistic definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely

Speaker 1 but i mean you know we're in the age of like people i had a bit about it on my last special about people uh self-diagnosing online yeah and that makes people like i mean, I think that takes someone like you who took years to get to that thing.

Speaker 1 Doesn't that cheapen it?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it's important that you're using that word because there is a privilege to getting diagnosed. It was not, it was not cheap.
Yeah. So there are people who like...
Don't have the means to do it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was $3,000. Jesus.
Yeah. Golly.
Yeah. So to go through that process and everything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that does, I think, soften my opinion on people that self-diagnose. Yeah,

Speaker 1 ultimately, like I said, it depends on the outcome.

Speaker 1 If you get self-diagnosed and then you're now just justifying all the behavior you had and doubling down and not trying to improve yourself socially or, you know, or try to help other people, then yes, you're an asshole.

Speaker 1 But if, you know,

Speaker 1 they just want a license to kill. They're just like, give me that license to be an absolute piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Autism.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, there are a lot of people that do that.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, it's interesting. Like, like in stand-up, I feel like there's a contingency of comedians and people who

Speaker 1 it's.

Speaker 1 I know, I know I'm going to be called a cuck or a snowflake or whatever for this, but

Speaker 1 I say R-word. I don't use the R-word because it has been ruined by this group of people who diagnoses themselves just so they they can say it.
Yeah, where they go, it's okay, I say it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Instead of saying it knowing that there's a risk that someone might be like, hey, that upsets me, in which case you have to take the accountability to go, I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to hurt you with that one.

Speaker 1 So now I go out of my way in my act to never say it because it's like, I want,

Speaker 1 it's the, it's, it's the thing of just like, it feels, it feels easy. Two, it's like, you know, it's going to get a reaction.

Speaker 1 And then it's also

Speaker 1 a lot of times the audience just likes it because they're being given permission to say it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there was a thing about when I did that joke, because the punchline is that anyone that called that self-diagnosed themselves from a TikTok, we should call them retarded. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I remember people being mixed on the review of that joke when I put it out. There were people that were like, I don't think you should be saying that.

Speaker 1 But then there were other people that were like, My child's autistic. I'm glad you're saying that.
Yeah. Because I feel like it does cheapen their diagnosis and it makes them.

Speaker 1 But see, what shed Mike Lawrence would say, you're a better comic than to need to say that word. True.
And I would have taken that and gone, it really works, though.

Speaker 1 Comic at me, I go, I know that, Mike. The joke is murder.
But no, I get what you say. But the next time you say it, you would have seen my head popping here.
Dan, don't do that.

Speaker 1 And I would have been like, all right,

Speaker 1 why am I a dead dog? I don't know.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a cool voice.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I was basically just doing St. Germain.

Speaker 1 It was just you as St. Germaine.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Call me when you can.
The new Predator trailer's awesome.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing about St. Never realize sometimes the hunter is the hunted? Oh, man.

Speaker 1 We're both very close with St. Germain.
So I'm sure we both get the same amount of UFO videos that he sends. Where he goes, you got to watch this.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, dude, I'm not watching a 45-minute video of a scientist talk about isms, like possible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, that's how I know you work with him professionally and I don't because yours are only 45-minute. That's really funny.
He sends you like six-hour oils.

Speaker 1 Because he's like, here, Photo, I want you to watch this, but I also want you to respond to my fucking emails.

Speaker 1 I told him on his podcast, I was like, dude, there's those times where I don't want to know the world is either ending or, and he's like, I get it.

Speaker 1 See, that's the difference. Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 he knows not to ask me to go on that podcast. Yeah, that's, I mean, you are a much bigger draw than I am, but either way, it's but I would like to see your

Speaker 1 autistic authenticity face to face with him and Sean about aliens. No, they just have other shit in their life that they are avoiding and using aliens as a fun way to be distracted.

Speaker 1 Damn, you need to go on UFO podcasts and just deflate people.

Speaker 1 Guy goes, he goes, I should call my cousin that I haven't talked to in 10 years. Hug your mother.
That's just, that's what Mike does. You're just a

Speaker 1 ufologist buster. We just go on there and you go, why don't you call your daughter? And they go, all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something out there.
No, there's something in Parsippany.

Speaker 1 And she needs to fucking hug. Yeah.
That has your blood and it hasn't just. There's something from beyond the stars.
No, there's something that was in your ball sack. And what you need to do.

Speaker 1 Do you like living in L.A.?

Speaker 1 Yes and no. I mean.
You're a Florida guy. Yes.
Which is crazy. Like Mike is a Florida guy in the way of like you came up in a tough part of Florida.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You came up, I mean, trailer park, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
That's why when people are like, they try to glorify it or whatever, you're like, talk to Mike Lawrence about that.

Speaker 1 He'll let you know what it's like. I remember I used to have a bit about waiting tables.
And this is my comedic autism that I'll show you. It was at Ohanlon's.

Speaker 1 We were doing hot soup when it first started. Yes.
And it was with Andy Haynes, Mark Norman. I think I know where this is going.
And I did a joke about waiting tables. And not, it was, oh, 2008.

Speaker 1 So it was, it was after the dollar collapsed and I was just waiting on Euros. And I went up and I had a great set, but I closed about waiting tables.
And it got this big response.

Speaker 1 And Lawrence was after me. And Lawrence went on after me and just went, you think waiting tables is bad? I worked at McDonald's and I just did six minutes about all the shit you saw at McDonald's.

Speaker 1 And it got off stage. And I remember I had a beer and I was like, well, I guess waiting tables isn't so bad.

Speaker 1 I was like, Jesus. Yeah, I mean, you worked, you worked at McDonald's before smartphones, before you could just go, like, go in the back.
And, like, how long were you at McDonald's for?

Speaker 1 Um, I was technically, so my, my, my, my, I, I started

Speaker 1 May, May 16th, 1999 to December 28th, 2006. I had uh seven years, dude.
You got your doctorate, yeah, yeah. You got your doctorate in the middle of the year.
I had my Ph. Mickey D's.

Speaker 1 No, uh,

Speaker 1 That's absolutely got to be the title of the episode.

Speaker 1 I'm learning nothing.

Speaker 1 Did you do all the jobs there? No, no, because

Speaker 1 once they find you're good at something day-to-day, they keep you there. What were you good at? The drive-through cash was my thing.
So,

Speaker 1 but I went to college in Virginia for one year, so I left, but then I, but then the week that I came back from college, I, I just, I remember like interviewing.

Speaker 1 It was a different manager, and the guy was like, yeah, here's your uniform. He's like, yeah, you worked here, you can work here, we need somebody.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and so then I'm like, you just need a warm body. Yeah, yeah, I remember, yeah, the, the, the, the week that I started was around like when Phantom Menace came out.
Yeah, episode one.

Speaker 1 And I remember complaining about it. And my dad was like, yeah, you're not spending my fucking money on that shit.
You got to go make your own money.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Was your dad a Star Wars fan? No. That would just be funny if he just didn't want to, you know.
He goes, I'm against against the prequels.

Speaker 1 And you're like, hey, no, son, I'm not going to use my hard working money to support them goddamn dung gungins. Maybe, maybe if they do a reissue of episode four,

Speaker 1 maybe I'll pay for it.

Speaker 1 If Lucas adds effects to it. There.
Mises think you need a fucking job.

Speaker 1 So you go work at McDonald's. Yeah, yeah.
And they found out that you were good. Now, do you think being good at the cash register was the tism?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it might be.

Speaker 1 Was that like part two?

Speaker 1 Just the tip of the tism. What did they say? Ah, tip of the tism.
Gi Lottie.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's a good counter. Put him on the register.

Speaker 1 Or do you think, like, do you think McDonald's has a better system of recognizing autism than the American Medical Association? Yes, because they were. Because they'll go like, this guy's autistic.

Speaker 1 Put him at the cash register. Yes.

Speaker 1 Is that how they recognize it? When you say, hi, I would like to work here.

Speaker 1 I figured. The applications.
I figured they were like old gum shoes where they could like taste the ground and go, yeah,

Speaker 1 he's got a little autism. Let's put him in here.
Ah, you signed your

Speaker 1 application with Red Balloon.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the McDonald's family. No,

Speaker 1 there was a woman that I worked with that they never gave a raise to, but they gave her every free happy meal toy. And I remember telling her one time that she should ask for a raise.

Speaker 1 And my manager, he always called me Mackle.

Speaker 1 Mackle? Yeah, yeah. So it's like the Mackle, like, so like when Macklemore

Speaker 1 became like, you know, a big rapper, I was like, that's how my manager would have complained about the director of Fahrenheit 9-11. He's like, Michael Moore.

Speaker 1 Mackle Moore don't know shit about America. He goes, oh, that fucking, maybe Columbine was good for us.

Speaker 1 Michael Moore. Yeah, you know what was good for America? Bowling and Columbine.

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Speaker 1 But when you get hired there,

Speaker 1 you do seven years. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. So, yeah, so he, so I told her, like, you should ask for raising.
He's like,

Speaker 1 Mackle,

Speaker 1 she is very happy with her toys.

Speaker 1 She's like, we have a system in place that works for both her and us. Did you ever, no, McDonald's is,

Speaker 1 they're franchised. Yeah.
Did you ever meet the owner? Did the owner ever come in? Or was it all just management? It would be franchisees. Yeah, so there was like someone who owned like five of them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and would he like come by to like look at it? Oh, yeah, yeah. There was like inspection.
That was like the one time he'd be like, please shave.

Speaker 1 That's where I started. Well, you know, I started growing a beard, but then it was like, it was like a defiance thing.
It was this,

Speaker 1 it's this funny thing. Like I stayed there so long and I never got promoted because I was like, I just want you guys to know I could leave at any time if I wanted to.
Oh, that was yours? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like, I'm right here, but I could leave. I could leave this place.
You showed up 10 minutes late every day. Damn.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And free food? They gave you free food. No.
Really? No, no. No, I stole it.
McDonald's doesn't. Do they give you a discount? Half off.

Speaker 1 It's not bad. It's not good.
But it's

Speaker 1 making McDonald's.

Speaker 1 McDonald's money, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So how would you

Speaker 1 what's the process of stealing it? Do you wait?

Speaker 1 How would you see

Speaker 1 what's the process of stealing it? Do you wait?

Speaker 1 I've always been interested in what's the dumbest thing because you're out now, you're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You've written on successful TV shows, you're one of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life.

Speaker 1 You got a great life, people know to bring you in as the fixer.

Speaker 1 If you ever need Mike to write jokes, I'm telling you right now, as uh, we'll get back to McDonald's, but Mike, Mark Norman, and I wrote for Amy Schumer for the 2016

Speaker 1 2015 MTV movie awards.

Speaker 1 And we would go into a room and write jokes all day. We did like a week of it.
Yeah. And they were like

Speaker 1 to me to all of us. They're like, hey, if you can get 15 to 20 jokes a day, they don't all have to be killer, but that's what we kind of do.
Mark and I were on average hitting 17 a day each.

Speaker 1 Like some days I would hit 20, some days you'd hit 15. Same with Norman.
You know, I'd be like, I don't know. And then fucking Lawrence would be like, I got 60.
And we're like, all right.

Speaker 1 And then by the, remember when we went out to steak? Yeah. To Tad's after that? Tads with Neil Casey.
Neil Casey, shout out, Neil Casey. Villain of the 2016 Ghostbusters.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was the lady Ghostbuster villain. Yeah, he was.

Speaker 1 Well, besides the internet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that was the biggest

Speaker 1 comment section was the biggest villain of that movie. Yeah, yeah.
The main villain was the slurs thrown at

Speaker 1 Leslie Jones. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was just saying, though, like that, that showed me in real time that I was like, holy fuck, Lawrence has an incredible talent for this but it was funny too because I remember being in that room you guys talking about the spots that you were doing later and it was like that that Simpsons when Bart sells his soul and he's in the raft by himself and everyone else has the souls pushing them and I felt like that

Speaker 1 of just like empty and like I don't I'm not past at the seller. I'm not doing this shit and that shit.
And so it was that thing of like, I was like so angry in a way.

Speaker 1 Mark didn't even bring his computer. No, he had to ask for paper.
Yeah. He was one of those kids.
Yeah. I at least brought my laptop.
Yeah. Yeah.
Norman went like, hey, I don't know. Can you remember?

Speaker 1 And I had had like a couple writing jobs before that. And I was like, what are you? Yeah.
What are you doing? And I was like, hey. Yeah, I have enough charisma to not need this.
He's like, you do.

Speaker 1 Hey, sir. I mean, I think I literally, he came in.
He's like, Neil, can you rip me off of paper? Yeah. But he did.
I mean, he like filled it front and back with jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, we, we did, I think we did a great job. You, what's funny is watching the monologue, it was your monologue.
It was like every joke was Lawrence's. And then I got one in and Mark got one in.

Speaker 1 And we were both like, I saw Norman. He's like, hey, we got one in.

Speaker 1 He's like, it was all Lawrence, but we got one in.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was the thing. It was like,

Speaker 1 I need to do well at this because it's like, I can't do what those guys do. I mean, you dusted us, but that was so impressive to watch.

Speaker 1 But then ticket sales. Yeah, but that's like a different, I'm telling you right now.
I know. In the room, pen to paper.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Holy fuck.
And you were coming up with jokes.

Speaker 1 I was like, that's incredible. Like, you were coming up with jokes.
And I remember being like, fucking shit. So what's cool was that, like, I got hired because I know Norman was opening for her.

Speaker 1 And I guess you guys were just friends?

Speaker 1 I had written on something she

Speaker 1 that she produced. Okay.
I wrote on something that Rachel Feinstein.

Speaker 1 I was one of the writers on Rachel's pilot. Okay, cool.
So then I was in there because she saw me do a rose paddle.

Speaker 1 And she came up to me and she was like, how many of those jokes did you write yourself?

Speaker 1 And I was like, like i wrote them all and she's like okay good to know and then i got that job like six months later yeah i mean dude roast battle you were a monster and then she ended you were a mon didn't you ruin a friendship because of roast battle didn't you get someone too bad yeah there's been that like people he was so good at roast battle that people afterwards he'd have to like go talk to them and they'd be like i mean ralphie never talked to me again Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, he was furious. Yeah.
Because that was the one that they did on Comedy Central. Yeah.
In Montreal with all the industry.

Speaker 1 God, and I'll tell you right now, dude, this is why anyone that's, if you're a young comic and you're watching this and you like, right now are like, everything is TikToks and all this, I'll just tell you right now, stuff comes and goes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Roasting was so popular for like four years that like at Montreal, they were like, it was the biggest thing.

Speaker 1 They were like, I wasn't up there that year, but everyone was like, it's the fucking biggest. And you came through and were just leveling, motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 And that's what I liked because I was like, release Lawrence.

Speaker 1 You knew me from back then. I mean, I've known you.
I'm the same guy. Since

Speaker 1 2008.

Speaker 1 Now you look at it of like being an autistic person roasting is like being on PED.

Speaker 1 It's completely unfair.

Speaker 1 I feel nothing. Yeah, I go, test him for autism, because this guy's crushing everyone in roast battles.
And you just see the thing, you're just saying the honest truth.

Speaker 1 I want you to look me in the eyes when you say that but I can't

Speaker 1 that's his weakness eye contact eye contacted accountability no I'll never forget it was yeah when I was battling Ralphie and I I it was the line that fan beat you on last comic standing that was people are always like it was this divorce thing it was that divorced thing I'm like no it was when I brought that up that fan in his kickable pants yeah because my thing is

Speaker 1 everybody has that one moment that bothers them so much that they can't get over no matter how successful they get. That's ego.
Yeah. You just got to strike where their ego is stuck on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you find it. Yeah, and you fucking.
And everyone has it. Did you try to talk to Ralphie? Did you, after the bros go, Ralphie, my bad? Yeah, I mean, I tried.

Speaker 1 And he, I remember seeing him at the store like a few months later, and I was like, hey, hey, you know, yeah. And I mean, and then, you know, the day he passed, people were like, you killed him.

Speaker 1 And this and that. Oh, yeah.
Really? I was like, I don't feel good at someone's dead. Damn.
But at the same time, you should have.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what you should have done is you should have gone with the wave, not against it, and gone like, so don't ever roast me. Like, that should have been like, I let that be a warning.

Speaker 1 And what's so funny is the, yeah, I know. They're like, fuck, dude, Lawrence is.
Because then you look, if you. Roast in peace.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Say Jermaine next to you. He's like, oh,

Speaker 1 he's like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But that, I mean, that's crazy that he wouldn't talk to you after that. Yeah, because you just hit his ego.
He was furious. Well, it was, it was that thing, too, of like,

Speaker 1 remember the day of, like, he was already like

Speaker 1 cranky, clearly using.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 um, you know, and it was, and I remember asking him, I was like, hey, is there anything off limits?

Speaker 1 And he goes, I'm an open fucking book, and I am the kind of person, like, if you tell me, then it's like, all right, I'll rewrite a set. That's fine.

Speaker 1 But you know what? That's like where you want to do that pause and then have that Morgan Freeman voiceover. And he goes, but he wasn't an open book

Speaker 1 there were facts he closed the book

Speaker 1 and no one ever read it again

Speaker 1 I mean that's got to be when when you did the joke right at the taping yeah did you is it the um krusty anniversary special where you can pause it and see his heartbreaking you go no wait right wait look Lisa you can actually watch his heartbreak yeah you saw it I saw it you delivered it and you're like I think about sometimes really yeah because it was that was it was that clean of a hit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, it was like, it was weird because at the end of the day, like, I love comedians and we are, you know, all we have in a lot of ways, right? The industry comes and goes and all of that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the industry's hot on us right now. Trust me, it'll in five years that we'll be back to just being nightclubs.
Have you ever saw Buster Scrubs? Like, they'll leave the

Speaker 1 armless, legless guy for the chicken any day.

Speaker 1 Any day. That is the best depiction of show business, that that sketch yeah um but no it's to me it was like it was weird because i was you know it was montreal so there were all these um

Speaker 1 man and to be a part of someone else's screwdriver as a wrestling fan

Speaker 1 that's tough yeah the um

Speaker 1 no but what i was gonna say was montreal has that energy too of these and there's all these people like pushing me and people who had agendas with ralphie club owners you know uh executives are like yeah wait i was like i I didn't do it for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I did it because I just want to be good at roasting. Well, it was like, I did it because they, you know, they put me in a cage with him.
Yeah. It's like a UFC thing, right?

Speaker 1 Where it's like, it's, if you're a UFC fighter and you see that the other guy is like weak, but the bell rings. You got to get him.
He's still coming towards you. Yeah, you're in a fucking cage.

Speaker 1 And I, so I don't feel. Was that the finals or was that? No, that was the.
Because you won it, right? Yeah, I won. You won the tournament.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So my first battle was with Matt Broussard, and that was great. Yeah, he's great.
Yeah, he was awesome. He was such a fucking great joke writer, too.

Speaker 1 And I hated him at the time because I didn't know him. And it's just when you look at him and well,

Speaker 1 he was on the podcast, and he even said, like, oh, first impression, you would have no idea that I'm a math nerd and I just love

Speaker 1 writing jokes. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He's like a true, he's a guy that I will defend as like a true, true comics comic. Yes.

Speaker 1 Incredible joke writer. And a person's person, man.
He's a really sweet human being. He is.
He's a good dude.

Speaker 1 There are more funny people than good people. So we got to point that out when it happens.

Speaker 1 That's very true. You know.

Speaker 1 Sometimes people hide behind it and you go, oh, that's why you're hiding behind it. Well, you see, you see when they're given the

Speaker 1 inch to stretch it into a mile and they'll take it. And some guys are like,

Speaker 1 I actually do like women and black people.

Speaker 1 But so you, it was Broussard first, and then who did you go up against second? Then Ralphie.

Speaker 1 So I beat Broussard,

Speaker 1 and it's

Speaker 1 Miss Pat and Ralphie, and I get the winner of that. So I had jokes for her, and I had jokes for him.
And you went first. How quickly were you...

Speaker 1 How quickly did the matches happen? Was it like the next day or the same night? Oh, that was the same night. Same night.

Speaker 1 So they would do their, you did your battle. And then they did theirs.

Speaker 1 And then you did yours again. Ralphie was the next night.
Okay, so they gave you a whole whole day to pretty much write jokes.

Speaker 1 And I had, yeah, my last joke was the long joke that had the, you know, yeah, I make fun of your weight because it's the only thing you haven't lost, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 and I remember.

Speaker 1 It's like showing you a blade that you killed a guy with and you go, holy fuck, but it was funny because I was running it by people and there would be people who were just like, nah, man, you know, it's like, I just feel like that's too long.

Speaker 1 No, you know, that's like a New York style joke. That'll work in New York.
But like LA, you know, like, but we're not, we're, we're in like a mutual ground. It's like, it's okay.

Speaker 1 And then my, my thought, because I had this joke about Broussard the day before that I didn't do that was too long about his

Speaker 1 dad having Parkinson's. Sure.
And it was an act out.

Speaker 1 Holy Fay. You know, and,

Speaker 1 you know, and the basic punch was, you know, and now he has a son who looks like he dresses at Abercrombie and Twitch. And

Speaker 1 incredible. Yeah.
Incredible. I don't even need the long version of Pro.

Speaker 1 By the way, I'm just thinking: if you like, are a regular person that works, not like obviously a regular, but like if you're not a comedian and you work at a job and you have someone you hate, I would kill to hire you to like this.

Speaker 1 Is what I did to customers all those years. Oh, watch.
So there's people that walked into a McDonald's in Florida and they go, that's where it came from, man.

Speaker 1 The guy on the drive-through cash register handed me my ass.

Speaker 1 Well, no, what I would do,

Speaker 1 we would play a game because someone went through training. You're like, oh, it totally was it's slum dog millionaire

Speaker 1 when he's answering the question and he goes back to that I mean it's true, but it's like and I was bullied, so there's that. But when I was at McDonald's, so I take your order and I take your money.

Speaker 1 Then I drink it up.

Speaker 1 I take your milkshake. I take your milkshake.

Speaker 1 I had to clean the machine. I would not drink your milkshake.

Speaker 1 But I word of the wise. And I love McDonald's.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah but you know

Speaker 1 dairy queen yeah even when it's fixed it's broken yeah much like the people that work there

Speaker 1 so i saw um

Speaker 1 i i saw what the customer looked like then the customer goes to that final window where they're getting the food my job was to get the person that hands the food to break

Speaker 1 So I start doing jokes. I start doing voices.
About the people that you just took the money from. That I know what they look like.
So in the time they go.

Speaker 1 That employee does not know what they look like yet. So in the time they're going window one to window two.
Yes. Are you on a headset or are you telling them this in real life? I'm on a headset.

Speaker 1 And you're on a headset. You see the person.
Yes. You use your super brain to fucking put a joke together.
I wait until they window two sees them. Then I do that.
Oh, on the headset. On the headset.

Speaker 1 And you hit them with them. And they're looking at them.
Do you remember any specific jokes that you hit them with? Oh, yeah. I mean, well, there was like a catchphrase I had.

Speaker 1 Well, not catchphrase, but a slogan. Oh, yeah.
Car tours. Car tours were people who were so fat, they're like centaurs.
But they're hit their heads.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Car tours.
I need my cheeseburger. Calling someone a car tour and then in the headset and being like, oh, fuck.
And then they pull up if they're fat.

Speaker 1 Did you have people, so you had people break in front of these people? Yes. You would get them to break, I'm assuming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. More than not? Sometimes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Was there ever anyone that didn't break where you were like, that was a good one? You should have broke on that.

Speaker 1 Because I feel like sometimes that's the thing with comics is when you have one that you know is good and they don't accept it. You go, no, come on, that was a good one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then but then it's like some people where they're like, I'll show you. And it's like, I respect the willpower.
Yeah, that's, you must have been real fun to work with. I'm serious.

Speaker 1 I mean, I wrote when I started Stand Up while I was there, I wrote all my first jokes on receipt paper and I would write about what I saw.

Speaker 1 The first joke that I did that people were like that's a good joke was I come from a long line of alcoholics my family tree has a car wrapped around it that's great I wrote that when I saw a guy with a bottle between his legs at McDonald's yeah that's great yeah it's always fun when you see those jokes Where you go like where you see like where it came like I had a I had a joke about on the last one about my parents being divorced and I talked shit and I was like a little traveling shit talker Yeah for them and that was like one of those things where I'm in therapy and he was like well yeah your parents interacted through you and you're like oh that's a joke like you just see it and you go like oh that's absolutely a bit well you just I just saw you last week and you did a joke and I guess I shouldn't spoil because

Speaker 1 it was amazing I was like I was like oh this is what like what great comedy is where you said a secret out loud yeah that's my favorite thing because I think sometimes with stand-up one of the funnest things about it is you will admit to something and you'll hear someone in the crowd go like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 I do that. I had a joke.
I forget which joke it was on my last special on On the Road. And Katie and I were at Chicago Zane's.
And she was sitting in the sound. She was just with me for the weekend.

Speaker 1 And I was working out a joke. Yeah.
And it wasn't working. But I did the joke.
And Katie watched a girl in the crowd hit her husband and go, you do that.

Speaker 1 And she was like, I just want to to let you know someone reacted like, you do that. And that's all I needed to go like, so there is something there.

Speaker 1 And then I like worked it out and you build it into a joke that like everyone can do.

Speaker 1 Oh, that was as funny talking about autism and symptoms and seeing like where I watch Love on the Spectrum like, oh, I do that and I do that. Now I talk about the things I do and I could see like.

Speaker 1 You do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what it was? It was the joke about she caught me watching porn on a Bluetooth because I left it in the shower and it was connected to my phone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it wasn't really working. It was a real story.
I was just trying to find the punchlines in it.

Speaker 1 And this lady was like to her husband and she and then you were like, oh, a lot of, because of Bluetooth, a lot of people have accidentally heard porn they shouldn't have heard.

Speaker 1 And that was like very gratifying to be like, oh, that was a thing where it was awkward between Katie and I for like weeks because it was during the pandemic.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, I was watching porn. And then you're like, and then you turn it into a joke.
But McDonald's, I mean, you must have seen shit where you were like, well, that's a bit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A car tour or a fucking guy going through. That might have been my dad going through with a fucking bottle in between his legs.
Oh, I saw all sorts of crazy stuff.

Speaker 1 I'd be genuine, like, real racism, you know, a woman who wouldn't leave because we gave her a black Barbie.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some would say she's a hero.

Speaker 1 And that woman went on to

Speaker 1 be Marjorie Taylor Green, and that's the rest of the story. That's that you filled on to you.
And that little girl was Marjorie Dale-Green. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who now, that's what's weird. Is like now I'm on her side because of the Epstein list.
Where I'm like, you, it's like wrestling where you go, I can't believe they're tagging together.

Speaker 1 They hate each other. Yeah.
But it is a common good. They've got to stop this faction.
Yeah, it is like wrestling because Vince is probably on there too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's like, I want people to know release the

Speaker 1 13-year-old girls all over me. His

Speaker 1 gotta a poop

Speaker 1 all over their chest.

Speaker 1 What was the day like quitting McDonald's? Did it feel like why did you leave? To move here? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you got to do like the I'm moving to New York City? Yeah. So when I met you, I was there less than two weeks before.
Yeah. And did you get, was it satisfying? Yeah.
Yeah. It was and it was scary.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I, you know, I didn't know what it was going to be like here. When I moved here, it was the first time I saw snow.
Really? Yeah, before we go. Remember when New York used to get snow?

Speaker 1 Wasn't that cool? We haven't had that in a couple of years. We barely get snow now.
Yeah. It just rains all the time.
It's still brutally cold.

Speaker 1 Kind of. It's not as bad as it was when we moved here at like some of those blizzards.
Yeah. I remember going to like shows in fucking Bushwick.
It's like a blizzard.

Speaker 1 And you're like, why the fuck am I doing this? I remember a blizzard where I took the train into the city and went to Broadway Comedy Club. Remember the world next to it?

Speaker 1 i was late but i was literally ran through a blizzard and i was like there's no way there's a show and i got there and the guy that ran the show was like oh sorry man uh mick foley's on stage and i was like this feels like a nap nightmare and i walked in the door and that was when mick foley first started doing stand-up

Speaker 1 For you, it was a blizzard. For him, it was a fog of CTE.
Yeah. He goes, well, I went from the cage to here.
And you're like, no, you had years in between then.

Speaker 1 So when you tell them you're quitting McDonald's, are they like, look at Mike?

Speaker 1 Come on Mike or are they like what the fuck are you talking about I used to do a bit about this it was it was it was true it was it was one of my first bits when I moved to New York because it was I was like you know

Speaker 1 I told my manager and he was like mackel so you know he's like you'll always have a place here and and then the and the punch I was like and I looked him in the eyes and I said don't you ever fucking threaten me like that yeah that's great

Speaker 1 there is you know when I quit when I first got hired in radio when I was 19 I was like busing tables at Outback and I got hired at the radio station. Like I went to the radio station.

Speaker 1 They're like, you're hired. You're going to start next week.
We need your training. And I went to Outback with my shirt and my apron.
And I was like, I'm only there for like four shifts.

Speaker 1 And I was like, hey, I just want to give this back to you. And the guy took it and he goes, hey, I just want to let you know, I'm not going to hire you back.
And you're like, yeah, I don't. What?

Speaker 1 I don't ever want to come back here.

Speaker 1 I hate you. I don't hope.
I hope I never see you again. But, I mean, that is like a lot of jobs.

Speaker 1 When you say you're going to do something like fucking move to New York to do stand-up, they're probably like, well,

Speaker 1 who's going to roast all the people

Speaker 1 in between window one and window two?

Speaker 1 You know how much, did you ever think about that? About how bummed some people at McDonald's were that you weren't there making jokes? Because I'm sure you made work a lot easier for some people.

Speaker 1 I think for some people, but I think I was annoying to other people. Yeah, but that's fine.
But because there was a moment when I,

Speaker 1 you know, I was doing, you know, the bringer shows, right? Where you had to bring like 15, 20 people. So I did one at the Hard Rock Fort Lauderdale, and some of my McDonald's buddies came, and

Speaker 1 they

Speaker 1 didn't know what comedy club prices are. Oh, boy.
But they know what alcoholism is. They didn't know that about them 750 Bud Lights.
No. Yeah.
And that's in 2007.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're talking about when Bud Lights normally cost about 2006. $2.
Yeah. $3.
Yeah, the bar that they all went to was a place called CM Boomers. Sick.
Sick. That's what punk is now.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's his whole fucking gimmick now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 CM Punk and CM Boomers.

Speaker 1 I thought you were making like a Superman reference. Like, this is what punk rock is.
No, no, I meant like CM Punk is now CM Boomer. Yeah, maybe a bar with shitty beer is the real punk rock.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 CM Boomer. Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 But I mean, so they went and they were like upset by how much everything cost oh yeah when the bill came because they didn't look they just kept ah they're fine and and i remember you know uh two of them like the next day they're like you know you you were funny it was not worth it damn i was like of course it wasn't damn and then so then when you say you're moving to new york are they like was anybody supportive yeah yeah yeah they all weren't like what the are you talking about yeah they liked the they liked the act and i did a few mcdonald's jokes and they thought that was fun and yeah you know and and it was i'd say there was like six or seven employees that came which was awesome that is great is there anyone from mcdonald's that you still talk to no that you haven't when's the last contact was it when you left and then it like dropped yeah yeah i mean it was like when i went back for like but then the the one that i went to um

Speaker 1 got destroyed and they built one like 10 minutes away and that's too far but but yeah my mcdonald's doesn't exist i did bring my uh wife to it before uh it got taken down Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're like, this is where it all happened. Oh, yeah.
And it was funny. Just like with the autism, she's like,

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah, I get you now.

Speaker 1 So that was the moment in Forrest Gump where you're throwing rocks at the old abuse shack.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then Adina got AIDS for some reason. It's weird.
And then like... But we had a bulldozed and everything's all right.
Do you know we adopted half-black Haley Joel Osmond?

Speaker 1 You're like, is he like me? And you're like, what, critical of wrestling? Yeah, absolutely. Is Is he, now that your son is getting older.
Yeah, yeah, he's almost three.

Speaker 1 Yeah, are you seeing, is his tastes aligned with you at all? Does he love comics? Does he love wrestling? He loves Spider-Man.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know how, like, I mean, I made the joke before.
I don't know how I feel about getting him into wrestling. Really? Yeah.
Why?

Speaker 1 Because. Because we both got into it since childhood.
I mean, we're both lifelong fans. I know, and look at us.
I think we're doing all right.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah. We're sitting on a couch talking.
Yeah, that's true. It's pretty good.
Yeah. It could have gone a lot worse.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 my problem is that it's like

Speaker 1 there are like two or three moments where wrestling is as good as everything else. You're sure.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 nothing else. Like that everything else kind of disappointment.
Yeah, man. So you're saying like you get Cody finishing the story and then you have to wait years for like something else.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then you get Travis Scott running in. I know.
You know, but I'm saying it's like

Speaker 1 I am,

Speaker 1 you know, like,

Speaker 1 it's interesting knowing guys like, like Dan and where wrestling, you know, say Trevor, or you, like, where wrestling was our common thing, right? Sure. You also have football.

Speaker 1 I know he likes football, but like, but then you find out like he also has aliens. Yeah.
Like me, you know, for me, my other thing is comic books. Sure.
And there are comic books that are literature.

Speaker 1 There are comic books that belong in the Smithsonian. Like Watchmen is a work of art, right? Absolutely.
There's very little wrestling that I think deserves that.

Speaker 1 That you think is, that should be realized like that. Yeah.
Now, would you be upset if your son got into wrestling by himself? Or would you be like, oh, great, now we can share it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just, I just like if he's like 11 and he goes, dad, I really want to watch Monday Night. Oh, yeah, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Also, what about the figures, dude? I mean, growing up with a figure dad like you, you and Greg Stone are the two biggest action figure guys I know. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So you, I mean, you guys have to be for for your son he has to be like what a jackpot oh and i let him play with him that's awesome he has his but he also has mine i love that he's like can i can i oh he knows that oh this has got way more articulation yeah because he loves there's a there's a preschool spidey and his amazing friends sure that he loves um but he also he's got like discerning taste like he loves paw patrol but he prefers the movies to the tv show there's not enough gravitas in the tv show There isn't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 But the animation quality is way better. They hire union voice actors.
So you get to see his taste. You go, oh, my son has taste.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he loves like movies. And your wife is artistic.
She's got like great taste and like, yeah. And like,

Speaker 1 I mean, you know,

Speaker 1 artistic, autistic. He's got all the.
You guys are the tistics. The tistics.

Speaker 1 The mighty tistics, dude. You guys got all the.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's cool because he also trolls me.
Like

Speaker 1 he knows my favorite superhero is the thing. But whenever I point to him on a shirt, he'll just go, that's the Hulk.
And you go, no, it's not. No.

Speaker 1 And the thing is, they did a Rosh Hashanah episode because the thing's Jewish. It's like, no thing.
He goes, Hulk.

Speaker 1 And he's so sweet. That's really good.

Speaker 1 He's incredible, man.

Speaker 1 It's like, I would never, I'm never going to be the person who tells people, oh, you should have kids and all that, but it is like, it's the best.

Speaker 1 Like, it's, it's also, I had, yeah, the weird thing, like, my dad died three months after my kid was born. Yeah.
And so I got to be like, I got all the introspection out of the way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now it's just like, now there's that kind of like my, my dad in some ways feels like my wingman.

Speaker 1 It's awesome.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 1 And watching what it's done for you and Adina, especially it's like, you know, it's been great watching you become this guy that's filling an empty 20-ounce at a bar at the creek to a guy who's like a dad.

Speaker 1 Who I watch you with your son. You got an empty 20-ounce with milk for him.
Now, exactly, I gotta fill that up.

Speaker 1 But it's been awesome being your friend and watching you like become into the, you know, get diagnosed with autism, but then also to like embrace it and to grow from it.

Speaker 1 To go back to the autism thing, you know, which we never really leave, do we?

Speaker 1 You guys that week kept calling me the machine. And the more that I was working, the more people would say that.
And even that

Speaker 1 is something I've had to like reconcile with because it's like

Speaker 1 mechanical, you know, where it's like, there's like an inhuman aspect. Yeah, you're like, I'm a person of it.
Yeah. I get that.
I mean, it was flat out us, me and Mark. No, I know.

Speaker 1 I'm not arguing it. I get it.
It's a nice, it's a really sweet compliment. And I remember other people saying that you guys said that about me.
And that would, that genuinely helped me.

Speaker 1 But it was this, like, the fact that I kept getting it. I was like, okay, all right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I get it. I understand.

Speaker 1 I'm a person. But as much as

Speaker 1 autism is writing that much, it's the, yeah, it's the McDonald's of like nothing's beneath me. Sure.

Speaker 1 You know, and it's amazing because you'll get writing jobs where other people are just like, they hate being there or this and that like I wrote on love island and I just treated you like you just did that I did that years ago really yeah well you posted the picture because you said they made seven seasons or something yes so you wrote on season one of the American version of Love Island yeah this is crazy so when they call you they're like do you just want to write on love island and are you like

Speaker 1 What do you give sluts things to say when they talk?

Speaker 1 I don't know. How do you write for Love Island? No, I'm the one who calls them sluts.
Yeah, no, nice. I write the VO.
Oh, you wrote the voiceover.

Speaker 1 Yeah, me and another guy okay we were in fiji we're in this like you got to go to fiji

Speaker 1 yeah anywhere you work is work true you know that you've you've performed in some cool places yeah that aren't cool because you're just there you're there to work yeah yeah and um they're like oh man portland must be great i'm like yeah until you talk to a club owner and he uh yeah yeah won't leave you alone yeah you know whatever it is no no specific one there that was just i picked the city and i picked a problem that's where i love helium shout out

Speaker 1 helium yeah yeah it's where we filmed on the road it's great yeah no but um

Speaker 1 yeah it was yeah you're in this shipping container we worked 1 a.m till noon

Speaker 1 and because it's basically live noon is 8 p.m the night before oh in um the states in new york and it was live it was it was close to it so you would watch the footage that they filmed and then you're writing um 1 p.m to noon 1 a.m to 1 a.m to noon and how long did you have to do that for?

Speaker 1 Six weeks. Did that absolutely butt fuck your schedule? Yeah, yeah.
It was weird. You're going to bed at like 1 p.m.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, it was weird because like with the time difference, I had to remember like I had to call like

Speaker 1 forgotten how the time worked, but I had to call like at, I would go to bed around 5 p.m., you know, and so.

Speaker 1 That was like the last time I could like talk to my wife before I went to sleep and everything.

Speaker 1 It did, but it was also, it was cool in a way of like, because you had such a deadline, like whatever you wrote, it was like, ah, this is fine. Yeah.
Yeah, you kind of got it.

Speaker 1 You had to piece, you had to let it go. Yeah.
And you're sometimes that's the hardest part is you keep wanting to make it better, especially with stuff like stand-up.

Speaker 1 You're like, I can make it better. And my co-writer was really like that.
He's like, we have to make it better. And I'm like, we get to do the best we can and then we get tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Like, it doesn't matter. I love that.
I mean, that's a very great way to look at that. I look at everything that way now I look at roast like that I look at because it's just

Speaker 1 especially like you you know you get older right like it's amazing like you and I have known each other enough where all we wanted and all we believed in and and thought of was careers and we got to see each other become people yeah because I'd absolutely agree at a certain point you realize like

Speaker 1 Part of the, you know,

Speaker 1 this is in America, this is in a lot of countries, but part of the whole, like, love your job care about your job is a way for you to get taken advantage of yes because then they go you identify as your job yeah you don't identify as the person you are you identify as the thing you're doing and that which i'm very guilty of i'm very guilty of doing that with stand-up comedy a lot oh yeah they want you to be yeah because then they go oh and then they have the thing to go well you're not loyal to this thing and you go well i'm just being a person and it trickles down like if a big name drops in on a show it's like well we have to pay anybody yeah we got the fucking headliner here for yeah you know so then so then when you realize oh, I'm being manipulated and this and that.

Speaker 1 And you're just like, wait, let me just, it's all work. You know, my dad died.
He was still working. I'm like, I need to like slow down, but I enjoy things.

Speaker 1 I take pride in what I do, but it doesn't define me. Like, and that's right.
If the most important thing I do in life is be Logan's dad, which I think it is, that's okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because especially now where you write on TV shows or you star in TV shows and they don't even exist. They take them off for tax write-offs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They'll make a whole bat girl movie and fucking can it. But this happened with wrestling, right? And CM Punk called it out.
You get the workers to be marks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because all of the wrestlers in the 70s, 80s, and 90s were failed athletes and shit. They came in, but they knew their worth.

Speaker 1 And now it's like, oh, why don't you do this and this? And we'll pay you even less. Yeah.
And that is, they're very good at going, oh, you want to be a part of this?

Speaker 1 We'll take less and we'll let you be a part of it. Yeah.
Instead of of you going, I know my value. Yeah.
And I think I need to be paid like a human. Yeah.
So now I'm just like.

Speaker 1 Everyone's getting McDonald's. Yeah.
That's what's happening. Yes.
Everyone's McDonald's. It feels like that.
And that's the thing. And it's the guy where you go, Michael, she loves your toys.

Speaker 1 That's exactly it for everyone. And so then, yeah, I'm at these jobs and I'm like, why doesn't

Speaker 1 it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, stop giving me toys. Yeah, I'm giving you my money.
I don't know what it's like to be taken advantage of. I'll steal this fish filet and you won't even fucking know it.
I mean,

Speaker 1 my leg will because I'm burning and I'm like, I beat the system.

Speaker 1 Mike Lawrence, you're one of my favorite people. I'm very glad you came to me.
That was very sweet, man. The Mike Lawrence on social media, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. The Mike Lawrence, Mike Lawrence comedy on some places.

Speaker 1 Look him up. He's unbelievable.
Watch his stand-up.

Speaker 1 He's the best. Thanks for coming on, buddy.
Thank you, man. That was sweet.
Yeah.

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