067. Matt McCusker, Brendan Schaub, Jamar Neighbors | Kids

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Speaker 2 Story Warriors, I'll tell you right now, the reason that I have such a winning record at Story Wars is because of Body Brain Coffee. It makes me feel mentally strong.
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Speaker 2 Yo, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had that crazy thing on his hair, but I handled him pretty well.
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Speaker 2 You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Comedy Mothership, it's Story Ward

Speaker 2 with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis J. Come

Speaker 2 Lewis.

Speaker 2 It's not a standing ovation if you go.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I wasn't saying to stand. I was saying,

Speaker 2 look up at the ceiling, everyone. That was the idea of the city.
I'm throwing you my heart. I'm throwing you my heart.

Speaker 2 What's up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars now at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 2 Austin, motherfucking Texas. I love it here.
We love love the comedy mothership. This is the first time we're doing

Speaker 2 the big room, the main room here at the mothership.

Speaker 2 The fat man.

Speaker 2 Does it feel wrong that we're sitting the wrong way?

Speaker 2 Oh, man, we are two clunks, though.

Speaker 2 We are ripping the stage. Oh, there it is.
Hang on. Microphone.
Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 2 I'll just tight our legs legs together.

Speaker 2 We are very, very excited to be here. That really is like when you lie on the wrong side of the bed with a chick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, dude, if you're gay, it's Austin, I know.

Speaker 2 Don't point to that guy in a sleeveless Jets hoodie

Speaker 2 who's sitting with a guy with long hair.

Speaker 2 I'm very excited to be here. Sold out show, two sold out shows tonight.
This is the first of the two shows. I mean, I don't.

Speaker 2 We ask every audience, but do we need to ask this audience?

Speaker 2 How many people in here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

Speaker 2 How many people are not familiar with Story Wars?

Speaker 2 Everyone, kill them with the guns that you have.

Speaker 2 Everybody here's armed.

Speaker 2 If you're not familiar with the game, it's very, very simple. We'll explain it once we get our esteemed panel up here on the stage.

Speaker 2 Our first contestant tonight, tonight, I want you to show a lot of love right now. He's a comedian, a satirical artist.
Ooh, I like that. He has a special Rotten Luther King on YouTube right now.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for the hilarious Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 2 God damn, you white people love free shit. Damn.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's how white they are as they don't realize they're now in possession of stolen merchandise.

Speaker 2 Now you guys are culpable.

Speaker 2 Those are clothes that he got at the shelter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that came from Salvation Army. You're welcome.
Jamar, welcome to Story Wars. First time on the show.
Very excited to have you here. Thank you.
Did you do any preparation for the show?

Speaker 2 A little bit.

Speaker 2 I just, yeah, a little bit. Okay.

Speaker 2 I asked my mama how was i as a as a as a as a as a kid and she gave me some prompts and i was like all right cool that was it is your mother chat gpt

Speaker 2 yeah yeah

Speaker 2 uh our second competitor also making his story wars debut from the fighter and the kid podcast clap it up for brendan shaub

Speaker 2 Our competitors are getting physically tougher and tougher

Speaker 2 as we go on.

Speaker 2 Time to get the guy who's going to fuck both y'alls up.

Speaker 2 Returning to the show from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast and his special, a humble offering.

Speaker 2 And he also has a Netflix special out right now. How about it for the great Matt McCusker in the house?

Speaker 2 Matt McCusker, returning to the show. Last time you did not win, did not have a great showing.
Returning loser.

Speaker 2 Great stories, though. Great stories.
You've been home practicing. You've been doing your thing, but you don't have your partner in crime, Shane Gillis, here this time, so you can't cheat.

Speaker 2 I didn't check the tape. No, but you guys, he tried to shake and bake us with you, though.
He tried.

Speaker 2 You had too much integrity to do it, which I appreciate.

Speaker 2 If you are unfamiliar with the game Story Awards, it's your first time listening at home. It's a very, very simple game.

Speaker 2 All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, Lewis? Kids.
Ooh.

Speaker 2 Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read eight of those stories one at a time. It will appear on this screen for us.
If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

Speaker 2 It's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.
And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

Speaker 2 Every time you fool the person on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story, you can get up to four points during those very, very important times.
And here's what happens.

Speaker 2 Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot right here, remove your hand. That is it.
That is your final answer. You can't change your answer.

Speaker 2 And I'll tell you right now,

Speaker 2 we have a lot of fun on this show. Brendan, you're going to have so much fun.
Jamar, this is going to be the most fun you've ever had on a podcast, but we don't play play for fun.

Speaker 2 Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 you did really good. That was good.
Thanks.

Speaker 2 Every week here at Story Wars, we play for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner takes home How I Helped O.J.
Get Away with Murder by Mike Gilbert.

Speaker 2 I want that. I want that.

Speaker 2 How I helped OJ get away with murder is a chilling tell-off from Mike Gilbert, O.J. Simpson's former sports agent and longtime friend.

Speaker 2 Gilbert recounts the years following the 1994 murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

Speaker 2 The book offers a stunning insider view of the moment Simpson allegedly confessed, saying, if she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand, she'd still be alive.

Speaker 2 It's a classic.

Speaker 2 It's a a classic. It's an instant classic, they said.

Speaker 2 I think everybody understands the game is going to get it. If you don't, you're going to pick it up along the way.
But is this crowd ready for war?

Speaker 2 Is this crowd ready for war?

Speaker 2 And Alexandra, with no further ado, story number one.

Speaker 2 Story number one.

Speaker 3 When I was in second grade, I got kicked out of school because I kicked my teacher in her shin and stole her $20.

Speaker 2 I'm feeling it's one of the bookends here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like, how bad do you want to win right now?

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 never had a teacher in my entire life. I understand why you would think that.

Speaker 2 I was more of a class clowny type, not a violent type. Jamar, I'm assuming you grew up in a violent sort of

Speaker 2 inner city school system where some teacher was trying to teach you guys how to be good kids, but you guys just wouldn't listen. Did you go to Lean on Mee High?

Speaker 2 This is wrong. You're Puerto Rican.

Speaker 2 He grew up poor, and he liked to fight people. It's true.
And he,

Speaker 2 you never know.

Speaker 2 It's true.

Speaker 2 It's true.

Speaker 2 Custer has a mystical past.

Speaker 2 Brennan, did you,

Speaker 2 you grew up, I don't know why I get this vibe, but I feel like you grew up with some cash. Your family was doing well, right? No.
Colorado, right? Colorado, yeah. Same place as Soda, Aurora?

Speaker 2 Aurora, yeah, that's right. Exactly.
Famous for the school shooting. Yeah, that's like, it's where, that's where the Joker guy shot everybody in the movie theater and Columbine and all that shit.

Speaker 2 Dang. Columbine.
Damn, dude, if you never left, you could have saved those people.

Speaker 2 Damn, Brenda, where were you that day?

Speaker 2 That's the guilt he lifts with every day.

Speaker 2 I was also eight, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Still a stud athlete, my guess.

Speaker 2 Did you get a lot of trouble in school?

Speaker 2 I got in some trouble. I wasn't the best kid.
Some trouble. I could see this.

Speaker 2 The shin kick is kind of throwing me, though. It's kind of white movie.

Speaker 2 That's kind of white boy shit. That's an MMA move.
The shin kick is kind of... It's white boy shit, but the thing that throws me off is the stealing the $20 kind of gives away a few people up there.

Speaker 2 If it said I stole her sneakers, I would know it's Jamar.

Speaker 2 Now, I'm going to point something out.

Speaker 2 I also, in my head, for some reason, have pictured this being a woman teacher. Oh, for sure.
But Louis is the first person who said her. Oh, it says her.
My bad.

Speaker 2 I was wondering why I was picturing a female teacher. Fucking Sherlock Holmes over here.

Speaker 2 Really putting all the pieces together.

Speaker 2 That breaks apart my entire theory.

Speaker 2 What's too much first 48, my man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I jumped the gun. He goes, why would they think it's a girl? Because it says it.
Kanked out of school.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I was getting in trouble by the time the second grade came around, but it was more like class clown type stuff. Wasn't hilarious.

Speaker 2 never hit it, never hit a teacher, never cursed at a teacher in my entire life, not once. Yeah, it's one thing to kick them, that takes some balls, but to steal cash from them is another.

Speaker 2 I can't get over the stealing the 20 bucks. Well, I thought that the shin kick was the distraction to grab the Chuanzo.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like you give them a shot in the thing, and then they start Yosemite seminar, and then you

Speaker 2 when did you start fighting

Speaker 2 all his lives?

Speaker 2 I didn't professionally fighting until I was in my 20s. Nah, like, when did you get that anger thing that made you

Speaker 2 kick your teacher in her fucking shin?

Speaker 2 What'd you do with the $20?

Speaker 2 Matt, let's go over here to you.

Speaker 2 Size of unassuming ones.

Speaker 2 No, man.

Speaker 2 I've never been kicked out of school. Who got kicked out of school?

Speaker 2 Believe it or not, I'm college educated.

Speaker 2 What was that? I said, believe it or not, I'm college educated. Yeah.
You guys are all choosing not to believe it.

Speaker 2 He gave you two options, and everybody here chose not to believe it.

Speaker 2 They're talking about you up north, mothership. Don't be like this.

Speaker 2 big jay looks pretty badass i'll throw down second grade

Speaker 2 fat kid just got his tonsils out tubes in his ears hell yeah

Speaker 2 all right

Speaker 2 all right um

Speaker 2 i have enough i've read enough of the panel right now and uh i'm gonna go with my initial instinct which was tomorrow neighbors not because of the color of his skin

Speaker 2 because of the color of his personality but because

Speaker 2 of the content of his personality

Speaker 2 oh content you You guys are wrong.

Speaker 2 Right there.

Speaker 2 I feel like it's just what his people would do.

Speaker 2 And I mean

Speaker 2 hilarious, energetic. I'm going with Jamar.

Speaker 2 You niggas is racist.

Speaker 2 You guys are wrong.

Speaker 2 Jamar votes for Matt McCusker. We have all of our answers in.

Speaker 3 Story number one belongs to

Speaker 2 Jamar neighbors. Oh!

Speaker 2 Give me my shirts back!

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. You racist, you racist.

Speaker 2 I wrote a shop just out of

Speaker 2 being polite.

Speaker 2 Unrelated.

Speaker 2 He wrote a hangman on his.

Speaker 2 He wrote a hangman and said Jamar on the motherfucker. Don't hang me.
Let the record show.

Speaker 2 All right, well, what happened was

Speaker 2 the bitch was trying to teach me math, math, and I felt like she was insulting.

Speaker 2 And she was in, you were actually right.

Speaker 2 And she was in, I felt like she was insulting my intelligence.

Speaker 2 And so I got real mad, and then she sat me next to the desk, and I was kicking my feet real hard, and I had on them rugged outback combat boots from Payless, and I kicked that bitch in her shin.

Speaker 2 And then she was like, ouch, ouch, ouch. Then she called the principal.
And then I was like, yeah. So she kind of left the whole class.

Speaker 2 And I looked at the desk and shit, and her purse was right there. And I fucking went up in that motherfucker.
I didn't know the difference between a one, a five, or a 20.

Speaker 2 So I was like, yeah, give me the one. That's why she was trying to teach you math.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something? What if the whole thing was like the math lesson? Like, she never really got hurt. And then as he's counting money, he goes, $20.
And

Speaker 2 she's looking in the window of the door.

Speaker 2 I knew if I just put it up there, there, you dunk it, Jamar.

Speaker 2 And I guess y'all right.

Speaker 2 I was wrong.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so my auntie, so my, I lived with my aunt at the time, and she

Speaker 2 was like, where's that lady's $20?

Speaker 2 And I put it on my shoe. I put it in my shoe.
And I gave it to her. And then she fucking put it in her fucking shirt, nigga, like in her bra.

Speaker 2 She took it. Yeah, and then it was at the like, hey, did you find the money? And she was like, no, I didn't find no money.

Speaker 2 Well, you learned your lesson that you got caught. and your mom picked up 20 bucks for teaching you a lesson yeah yeah man it was good hell yeah all right

Speaker 2 that was great

Speaker 3 what are the scores all right on the scoreboard with one point jamar neighbors

Speaker 3 And tied for the lead with two points each. Louis J.
Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 2 I want that book. Feel Luce.
I want that book.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants that book. Alex, story number two.

Speaker 3 Story number two.

Speaker 3 When I was in middle school, my gym teacher would segregate the kids by race and have us compete in race war games.

Speaker 2 How many stories did you and Lewis submit?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 They couldn't have done this in my middle school. It would have been fucking 7,000 to 2 black.

Speaker 2 That dodgeball game would have ended quick.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 this is some white shit, for sure. I don't think so, my man.
These are easy.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking Big Jay.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 well, Jay went to school in the hood.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah. Yeah, where'd he go?

Speaker 2 Garnet Valley, it it was all white all white yeah for real

Speaker 2 except for that one black kid

Speaker 2 not even not even for real

Speaker 2 for real so mexican twins in the fourth grade but that was about it

Speaker 2 it's captured a flag it's just one black kid guarding a flag 7 000 people working tactical around them

Speaker 2 yeah jay you grew up in the hood where they would have literal race wars

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No. But the teacher wouldn't have to do that, right? There wasn't race wars.
We had submitted at that point.

Speaker 2 We waved the white flag, man. We were wearing our clothes backwards like crisscross in middle school.
We just did the thing, whatever you guys say, man. I'm with you.

Speaker 2 It's fair.

Speaker 2 Where are you from?

Speaker 2 Colorado, Aurora, but predominantly black neighborhood.

Speaker 2 That's why you're good at sports. How predominantly?

Speaker 2 And I'll be honest. Trying to comment on numbers.

Speaker 2 That does seem like a Colorado possible thing, though, that some fucking woods lunatic fucking mountain guy is going to be like, blacks versus what's.

Speaker 2 Just to see. Just to see.

Speaker 2 Mountain guy.

Speaker 2 Jay's never been to Colorado. Jesus.
What's going on? Welcome to Colorado.

Speaker 2 Is your argument there's no mountains in Colorado? No, but I feel like the character was just sort of like a hillbilly. I only know one hillbilly voice.

Speaker 2 And all of my Hispanics are Mexican gang members.

Speaker 2 Buys, want me to do a Honduran? Shut the fuck up, bro.

Speaker 2 Not do my father. Shut the fuck up, bro.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Louis. I'm your dad.
I'm your father. I'm your fucking father and shit.

Speaker 2 And he was Puerto Rican, that guy.

Speaker 2 It could also be two Jamar stories in a row.

Speaker 2 Because Jamar, did you grow up in the Hood? Yeah, I'm from Compton, California.

Speaker 2 Compton's not doing that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's not. There was no choice.
But I'm from Compton. I'm from Mississippi.
So that's two different blacks.

Speaker 2 So I don't think we would ever do some shit like that.

Speaker 2 What about Mississippi?

Speaker 2 I said, I'm from Compton, California,

Speaker 2 not Mississippi. So those are two different kind of blacks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Mississippi is like racist black, and Compton is is like, oh, my God, they're going to police black.

Speaker 2 So we didn't do race games like that. Yeah.
Or did we? Yeah. Comptons were.

Speaker 2 Ooh.

Speaker 2 I think it's Matt McCusker again.

Speaker 2 It's a fair guess, but no. I'm going to throw down my guess.
I'm going to go. Brandon.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go first instance. I think this is something happening.
Maybe he didn't sound like me, but a mountain man,

Speaker 2 whatever voice you want him to have, thought it would be funny to plot little Ray's wars in their mountain town.

Speaker 2 Maybe you said I'm more like that. Would it be good? You son of a bitch, Brendan.
Sorry, pal. It's all right.

Speaker 2 This could be Lewis. But Lewis was like, he said he was the black kid in this school.
I was.

Speaker 2 So are you a liar?

Speaker 2 Going Big J Okerson. Fuck.
It's Lewis. Motherfucker.

Speaker 2 This fucking cup. You're wasting everybody's time.
I drew a pentagram next to his name because he's evil. Yeah, listen, dude.
He's the devil. Yeah, look, no doubt, Hail Satan, but still.

Speaker 2 Everyone's in, fucking Lewis. You cunt.

Speaker 3 Story number two belongs to

Speaker 2 Lewis.

Speaker 3 Jay Gomez.

Speaker 2 Wasn't even close. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 In race wars? You said there was you and a bunch of white kids. No, so I you're thinking, Jay, you only listen to very few things that I actually say, okay? Tell things more entertaining.

Speaker 2 In my middle school, it was mostly Puerto Rican kids. It was Puerto Rican kids, Havisha middle school, shadows, Havisha middle school.

Speaker 2 And there was a decent amount of white kids, but it was a lot of Hispanic is and black kids.

Speaker 2 And in my gym class, they would literally have it be white kids versus black and Puerto Rican kids in every game. Like every time, the coach just thought it was hilarious.

Speaker 2 He was, and he would be like,

Speaker 2 we're we're going to have the United Nations versus the great white hopes.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 would annihilate the white kids

Speaker 2 in every game, every time. It was hilarious.

Speaker 2 You need some better whites. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There was no good whites at Havers Road Middle School. There's also different kinds of whites, Jamar.
There's also different kinds of. That's what I.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, name them.

Speaker 2 Well, there's like California white, and then there's like southern Mississippi white. Oh, yeah, like the Compton Mississippi thing.

Speaker 2 There's also, guys, there's also different kinds of raisins. There's California raisins.

Speaker 2 Play tomatoes, too. Beefsteak.

Speaker 2 Anywhere else. Shrimp bobs,

Speaker 2 fried shrimp, shrimp scampy.

Speaker 2 All right, Alex, where are our points at?

Speaker 3 All right, in last place with zero points.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 Matt McCusker.

Speaker 2 We'll get it. We'll get it.
Don't take so much joy, Alex. Don't take joy.

Speaker 3 In fourth place with one point, Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 3 In third place with two points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 3 In second place with four points, Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with five points, Louis Jay Gomez.

Speaker 2 I believe that I am undefeated in the city of Austin. That's Story Wars, by the way.

Speaker 2 I've never been defeated here. Oh, coincidence? I know.
I'm making this up. I have no idea.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I won, you piece of shit. Did you win it? Jay won in Austin? Wow.

Speaker 2 Jay never wins.

Speaker 2 What a special thing you saw.

Speaker 2 He never wins. You guys really were here for one of them nights.

Speaker 2 That's like being here for like, it's a crazy, crazy moment. Yeah, dude, these lights should have exploded when it was over.

Speaker 2 All right, Story Warriors, let's thank Ridge Wallet for supporting today's show. Your old crappy leather wallet, it stinks.
This is what your dad had. It's what his dad had.
It's what his dad had.

Speaker 2 You got to get a wallet from the future, which is why I always have right here. Look at this, Jay.
My Ridge wallet. Keep your cards and cash all in one place.

Speaker 2 Front pocket wallet, super slick, super cool.

Speaker 2 Tons of styles i took all these family heirlooms my dad's wallet my grandfather's wallet my great-grandfather's wallet and i took them to a bridge and i threw them right in the river i threw away all sentimental value because they're stupid and they don't work and they didn't have rfi deblocking technology i took my my grandpa's urn and i chucked it into the east river I was, I've, I did get rid of a lot of their belongings because now I'm just mad at them for burdening me, sacking me with this really shitty wallet.

Speaker 2 Aluminum, titanium, carbon fiber, such cool styles. They hold up to 12 cards and has a 99-day risk-free trial and a lifetime warranty.
Literally, the last wallet you're ever going to need. Super cool.

Speaker 2 They have a bunch of other great products as well, including the, I love the luggage that they have. Ridge luggage is incredible.
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Speaker 2 After you purchase, they're going to ask ask where you heard about them. Let them know that you heard about them on the Story Wars podcast.
47% off is insane. Lewis.
Yeah, Jay.

Speaker 2 You know, I like my Fridays like I like my men. Come on.
Huge and black. Yes.

Speaker 2 All right. Let's take a quick moment and thank Hims for supporting the show.
And you should know this, Jay. I don't know if you know these facts here.

Speaker 2 I'm a fat guy because, you know, Story Wars, I'm coming with the facts for your face.

Speaker 2 According to the National Institute of Health, as many as 30 million men in the the U.S. experience ED.
It's erectile dysfunction. It's an ugly word.

Speaker 2 People don't want to say it, but I'll say it right now on the show.

Speaker 2 I didn't know what it makes. That's never happened to me.

Speaker 2 You're just so rock hard, dude. No, I know, dude.
I can't. I get soft, dude, especially when you and I are hooking up because you're so unattractive.

Speaker 2 I use some of their other products, though, because they're great, but I don't care about the dick one because my dick is so raging hard all the time.

Speaker 2 Whenever you're blowing me, you feel that soft, gummy feeling in your mouth. I'm like, dude, I'm sorry.
I'm just not attracted to you anymore. I have to think about your sisters.

Speaker 2 yeah I really don't make it good the way I used to be there my mouth dry

Speaker 2 I'm barely looking at you in the eyes oh no dude you got a you got a full beard it's fucking horror horrifying but not anymore dude now my dick you have you noticed lately how hard my cock has been getting when I'm shoving it into your mouth and throat dude it's raging I mean the spurts I don't know if this is even related but the spurts are thicker and really like uh like they gag me almost well that's because I've been taking the sex RX plus climax control They have hard mints.

Speaker 2 They taste great. You pop them in your mouth a little bit before you're about to bang.
And guess what? You have a nice hard boner and you don't have to have that confidence.

Speaker 2 Dude, as I'm getting older, I'm 43 years old, not having to worry about my confidence in the bedroom rules. I feel like I'm 20 years old once again.
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Okay, where were we? All right, Alex. Story number three.

Speaker 3 Story number three.

Speaker 2 A kid who lived.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 A kid who lived up the street from my house shat behind a bush on my block.

Speaker 3 I checked on the turd every day for several months until one day the turd, to my great surprise, had turned a ghastly shade of white.

Speaker 2 This sounds like a poem from McCustry Journal.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who wrote that?

Speaker 2 Nothing short of a genius. It was beautiful.

Speaker 2 Nothing short of a goddamn genius wrote that.

Speaker 2 That sounded eloquent. My God.

Speaker 2 I mean, this one is screaming, Matt McCusker. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought it was you. I mean...

Speaker 2 Lewis doesn't know the past tense of shit. No way, dude.

Speaker 2 He would misspell ghastly.

Speaker 2 This thing was, it was beautifully written, first of all. Beautiful.
Very visual. Look at the two spaces after the periods.
But I also, that's also just showing your age.

Speaker 2 Comma, period.

Speaker 2 Calm a space. I mean, just the grammar eliminates a few of us up here.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 Matt,

Speaker 2 it's beautifully written. Also, you're

Speaker 2 a psycho who would check on another human shit.

Speaker 2 This is some weird shit.

Speaker 2 Do you have a lot of friends? He's got a scientific mind. He wants wants to know how it works.
What's breaking down? What's making this happen? Oxygen?

Speaker 2 God's will.

Speaker 2 Matt, I mean, defend yourself. This is your time book.
This is your story to defend right now. I mean,

Speaker 2 explain to me how this is going to be. This could have been your story.
I could have got set up. You have Chat GBT now, man.

Speaker 2 Chat GBT. It's true.
That's true. His only comeback was like, I thought it was you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm just reeling from this tail. It is great writing.

Speaker 2 Twists and turns, ups, downs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, look, I don't want to spend any more time here. Does anybody else have anything to present to the table to maybe convince me or anyone else on this panel that this is not Matt McCusker?

Speaker 2 Please tell me why.

Speaker 2 Give me something.

Speaker 2 I can see this is his game. He's a 4D chess guy.
He's throwing, he's throwing jukes.

Speaker 2 That's so fucking obvious. I wouldn't do that.
Seriously, that's crazy. My shit's sparse, dude.
I think Matt still has the journal with the changes.

Speaker 2 I think there's something growing out of it now.

Speaker 2 To my great surprise, had turned a ghastly shade of white. Oh, much to his chagrin.

Speaker 2 It's a beautiful story about shit. Yeah.
It is. It's beautiful.

Speaker 2 You should write Hallmark cards.

Speaker 2 It's so well done.

Speaker 2 Even giving in the past tense, the kids shat behind him. Sound like he did something kind of beautiful.

Speaker 2 It's a cycle of life, man. In one and out the other.

Speaker 2 I mean, if it's not Matt, and it's somebody else and they're going to clean up, because I think everyone's voting for Matt here. And then I'm going to

Speaker 2 Big J.

Speaker 2 I did write brainness on this kid.

Speaker 2 Matt McCusker's my answer. Easy peasy.

Speaker 2 Guys are going to be sorry.

Speaker 2 Jamar puts in a vote for Brendan Shaw. Oh, maybe.

Speaker 2 I'm just trying to be random.

Speaker 2 You know, I think it was him. Alex, everyone's in.

Speaker 3 Story number three belongs to

Speaker 3 Matt McCusker.

Speaker 2 Yeah, slammed up. Fuck.

Speaker 2 You're too good, man. Your writing's too fucking good.
You're on the board, though. You're on the board.
This could have been a play, though. You never know.

Speaker 2 Who was this kid? Dude, this guy named Scott. He lived up the street.

Speaker 2 He just, I remember, like, my older brothers were gathered around because he was just shitting behind a bush, and everyone thought it was funny.

Speaker 2 And I remember being little, and I saw the turd, and I was like, small, like a little jagged guy.

Speaker 2 And I remember I just kept checking. Anytime I'd be around that street, I would go up and just kind of peek.
And one day it was just white, and I was real little.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I didn't know poop turned white outside.

Speaker 2 I still think I can picture it right now.

Speaker 2 Ghastly.

Speaker 2 I was cooking dinner when I wrote this. I was kind of giggling at myself.

Speaker 2 Your senses were alive.

Speaker 2 Alex, three stories down. Where are our points?

Speaker 3 All right, tide for last place with one point each. Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 3 In third place with four points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 2 Ryana Fick.

Speaker 3 In second place with six points, Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with seven points, Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 2 It's heating up.

Speaker 2 I can see Brendan does not want to go home without how I helped OJ get away with murder, which details the moral compromises author Mike Gilbert made as Simpsons' manager after the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.

Speaker 2 For instance, he describes counseling OJ to stop taking his arthritis medication so his hands would swell, thus causing the infamous glove not to fit, acting as a massive catalyst to OJ Simpson getting away with the horrific crime.

Speaker 2 Someone goes home with that.

Speaker 2 Alex, story number number four.

Speaker 3 Story number four.

Speaker 3 I once babysat for a kid who had behavioral issues. They were very young and small, but by the end of the night, the kid spat on me and threatened my girlfriend with a knife.

Speaker 2 All right, so nobody's having Brendan Shaw babysit their children. That is ridiculous.
He would crush their skulls with his giant ape-like hands. What?

Speaker 2 Didn't you ever see fucking the rock and the nanny?

Speaker 2 Tooth fairy?

Speaker 2 I mean, Big Jay, I know he did babysit for kids that had his brothers.

Speaker 2 Your siblings, but that's okay. This is Big Jay.
None of them have behavioral issues.

Speaker 2 They might have.

Speaker 2 It's also the grammar, too, behavioral issues. Spats? Spat is a kind of.
Spat, yeah, that's a weird one.

Speaker 2 It sounds a lot like shat. It does sound a lot like shat.
Fuck.

Speaker 2 Son of a bitch. It's one letter off from shat, Jay.
You're right.

Speaker 2 Sounds a lot like shat.

Speaker 2 You just made up for that whole her horse shit from earlier today.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it was my siblings. None of them have behavioral issues.
You're asking about my brother. He had a heroin issue later.

Speaker 2 Not when I was a little bit more. I would define that as a behavioral issue.
Not when I was babysitting him. He was fucking like a little kid.
He wasn't really heroin at 11. I moved out.

Speaker 2 He was like 11.

Speaker 2 But he might have had behavioral issues.

Speaker 2 I don't know if he spat on you and threatened your girlfriend with a knife. You know, you would have heard by the time my brother threatened my girlfriend with a knife?

Speaker 2 I'd have a one-man show about it.

Speaker 2 Just a badass little kid. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't babysit anybody here babysitting. You didn't babysit other kids? Me? Yeah, anyone.
No. I babysat a lot, but it was my siblings.

Speaker 2 I only see my actual son two days a week

Speaker 2 and he still calls that babysitting yeah

Speaker 2 i gotta watch james tonight

Speaker 2 big big j when you'd babysit your uh with his family or whatever this was in philly yeah that's a that's a bad philly kid the little bad philly kid to threaten a girlfriend with a knife that's a badass philly kid most of it's south jersey which i don't know if it changes anything also a lot of drugs and kids with knives.

Speaker 2 I mean, Jamar is sitting right over there. We haven't even looked at him.
No one's picturing, so I'm going to go, Jamar, are you available to watch my child this evening?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what color Mohawk do you think they like?

Speaker 2 No, I can see them asking Jamar to babysit. Jamar's a sweetheart of a guy.
Definitely. Thank you, man.
And y'all underestimating how well I speak.

Speaker 2 But babysitting babysitting with a girlfriend, that means that's pussy pussy heaven, dude.

Speaker 2 Do you ever babysit with a girl? No, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I shouldn't say it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But my siblings, again, I was in all the time.

Speaker 2 So they were there, yeah.

Speaker 2 Girlfriend. Who had their girlfriend there on the babysitting job is the question.
I watched these kids until I was 20.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this does

Speaker 2 a smack of Jamar, maybe now.

Speaker 2 It's up this side of the table, I'm thinking. I'm just imagining now being a little black kid

Speaker 2 spitting on me and then threatening my girlfriend with a knife this is little black kid behavior if I've ever seen it yeah any day I was the kid

Speaker 2 this is how you graduate the first grade in the black community

Speaker 2 maybe he spat lyrics Jamar

Speaker 2 maybe that's what they're saying he spat

Speaker 2 But a knife, but a knife, but a knife like niggas don't use knives. Well, he did, but like the OJ nigga did, but not like

Speaker 2 OJ is black. He not a nigga.
Like

Speaker 2 that's the difference again.

Speaker 2 Mississippi.

Speaker 2 This one is tough. But a knife.
I think this one's a home. Babysat.

Speaker 2 Well, the reading, the double read, sometimes a tell.

Speaker 2 Chat. Yeah.
Shat, guys. At your old.
You just read the last word of every sentence. Spat.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get the voting going.

Speaker 2 Big J, I'm getting, this may not be your little brother. Maybe there was another time where you babysit somebody else.
You have a thing.

Speaker 2 You just have a thing.

Speaker 2 I don't know what's going on. I'm getting a vibe from you.
And I could just,

Speaker 2 I'm maybe rolling over this or

Speaker 2 not remembering a story of you babysitting somebody else's kids, but I know you babysit your own brother and your own little sisters. I said that.
I know.

Speaker 2 So I'm saying maybe you babysit some other kids that were crazy, but I'm just getting a Big J vibe, and that's who I'm voting for.

Speaker 2 Oh, I guess we just follow Lewis now.

Speaker 2 Wow. Brendan, I thought you were the outfit at this table.

Speaker 2 I guess we all worship to Lewis now.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go Brendan Schaub again, just in case. Two votes for Brendan Schaub.
James, just in case.

Speaker 2 Big J holding off until everyone voted to make his vote, which is telling in my opinion.

Speaker 2 Votes for Jamar.

Speaker 2 Why? Because that's what you did when it was your story? Way to the very end, in your opinion? Are you mad because me and Brendan took away two of your points? Nope.

Speaker 2 Alex.

Speaker 3 Story number four belongs to

Speaker 3 Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 2 Fuck, that was my first guess.

Speaker 2 Damn, I did the shittiest white thing, too. It was me, and I pointed a finger right at Jamar.

Speaker 2 Damn, that was some real Karen shit I just did.

Speaker 2 Jamar would probably, there's people in his life with knives and threatenings.

Speaker 2 Thought that was you. This wasn't your little brother.
No. It was my mom's friend and kids, and they asked me to babysit one of them.
I didn't realize one had like behavioral issues.

Speaker 2 I mean, pretty severe, at least at this time.

Speaker 2 And it's one of those, I could handle it. Like, I'm big, and she is little.
It's a she?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 And that did not scare her, even sorta.

Speaker 2 And she was just a problem. And it was things like where you'd have to, you know, like, stop her from hurting herself by, like, you know, you grab her by the arms.
And then when you grab by the arms,

Speaker 2 like, laughing,

Speaker 2 like a lunatic with like pennywise eyes,

Speaker 2 gathering up so much muck, spit in her mouth, and just like spitting. Like, it was so gross.
And then, uh, my girlfriend came over to hang out for like the last hour I was there.

Speaker 2 And the girl just came out of it. She's like, where is she? I go, she's been a nightmare.
And then she just came out screaming with a knife from the kitchen.

Speaker 2 Like, at her.

Speaker 2 And then she had to go outside. And then, but she's just like, kind of like, oh, I'm just kidding.
But it was a fucking real knife.

Speaker 2 Have you followed up? How's she doing now?

Speaker 2 She's great.

Speaker 2 She became a regular functioning adult. I think college educated a good kid, but uh...
Were you babysitting Megan 2.0? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She was a machine from the government. But

Speaker 2 yeah, we got through it.

Speaker 2 And I made 50 bucks. There you go.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Sick.
Got a couple points, too.

Speaker 2 Four stories down, Alex. Where are our points at?

Speaker 3 All right, tied for last place with one point each. Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 3 In third place with six points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 3 In second place with eight points, Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with nine points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Austin, Texas.

Speaker 2 Halfway through the show, four stories down. At this point in the show, we always do plugs, so we're going to go around real quick.
Jamar, what are you plugging, my friend?

Speaker 2 Hey, I got a special coming out

Speaker 2 called Cultural Icon on YouTube, November 2nd, and I'll be at Skank Fest the 13th through the 17th

Speaker 2 with a bunch of dope-ass art, man. So, yeah.

Speaker 2 Jamar, what time is your special premiere? 6 p.m.

Speaker 3 Nice.

Speaker 2 I asked because my special premiere is at 2 p.m.

Speaker 2 2 p.m., excuse me.

Speaker 2 Brendan, what are you plugging, my friend? Fighter and the Kid. Fighting the Kid has Patreon now.
So, yeah, Fighting the Kid Patreon. Yep.
Very cool. Matt McCusker.
A humble offering on Netflix.

Speaker 2 Check that out. Yeah.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 tickets at MattMcCusker.com. I have a couple shows coming up, so go to them.

Speaker 2 Big Jay Okerson. BigJComedy.com for all my dates.
I'm coming to a city near you, for sure. On Big Jay Okerson's Peter North American Tour, coming on a city near you.
If you get it, you get it.

Speaker 2 And of course,

Speaker 2 double album release, double vinyl of Them Day is coming out very soon. Pre-sale happening now over at my website.
So 500 of them.

Speaker 2 I autographed all of them and drew a picture of a wiener holding a gun with shoes

Speaker 2 with shoes on and veins and hair and stuff. It's an everyone, an autographed thing of that.
So then the downloads of the 400 hours and digital download of the album. So yeah, look for that.

Speaker 2 I'm doing some live streams on YouTube. Of course, the Legion of Skanks right here on Gas Digital and Bonfire.
Five days a week on Faction Talk and me and Bobby Calley.

Speaker 2 Come see me live on the road, guys. First of all, we're doing some more live Story Wars on the Road.
the night before Thanksgiving. I think that's the 26th of November.

Speaker 2 We're going to be doing Philadelphia, two Story Wars shows in Philly. So come out in Philly if you guys are in the area.

Speaker 2 My new special available now on YouTube, if you're listening to this right now, it's called You're Making This Worse.

Speaker 2 Go give it a click and give it a comment and share it with a friend and send it to five friends. Why not? And then come see me on the road.
I'm going to be in Nashville in December.

Speaker 2 Columbus, Ohio on New Year's Eve with Zach Camico, Real Ask Podcasts, Reunion shows, and a lot more stuff, guys. Just go to Lewisofskanks.com, check out all the other podcasts that I do.

Speaker 2 Legion of Skanks, The Rags, my solo podcast, and pre-order my book, Knives and Spoons, on Amazon right now. Go do it.
And I appreciate that. Thank you.

Speaker 2 And last, thank you. Last but not least, go subscribe to Gast Digital.
We do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show. There's a bunch of episodes that aren't available anywhere else.

Speaker 2 You only get them at gasdigital.com. Use the promo code WAR, save a couple bucks a month to support the show directly, and you get to support uncensored ad-free comedy.
All right, Jay.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 there's is the second half of the show. Matt, Jamar, you guys are probably feeling like, the fuck did I even come here for?

Speaker 2 This game is stupid. It doesn't make sense.
How could Lewis have invented it and also always win it?

Speaker 2 Is there even a reason for me to be here just to be some patsy for this jerk off to feed his own ego?

Speaker 2 But that's not what it's about. It's still a fair game because while you feel out of it, you're not.
Because for the final four stories, we go double points.

Speaker 2 It's a pretty simple concept, made very difficult before. Where is if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed the correct story, you got two points.
That now goes to double points.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Roots.

Speaker 2 We have him in the balcony. We have the Roots playing up in the balcony.
I know. We're worried about having Quest Love up that high.
He's fine.

Speaker 2 He's bottom heavy. We keep him sitting.

Speaker 2 All right, Alex.

Speaker 2 Let's get into the second half of this motherfucker with story number five.

Speaker 3 Story number five.

Speaker 3 When I was 12 years old, a friend of mine, a girl who I was attracted to, came home with me after school. I talked her into, quote, fooling around.

Speaker 3 When she took off her shirt and bra, I panicked and kicked her out aggressively.

Speaker 2 Who are these authors?

Speaker 2 Was this John Steinbeck?

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 so look,

Speaker 2 I started reading it. I was like, 12 years old, got a hot girl to come home with him, take her shirt off.
It's got to be Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 2 Well, you're going to say it must be me. No, no, no, it must be you.
Oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I was like, but then he panicked and kicked her out aggressively. I feel like Brendan Schwab isn't doing that.
He's taking what he wants.

Speaker 2 And then when he's done, kicked her out aggressively. It's aggressive, my man.
I got what I need. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Conan?

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. Yeah.
I assume this isn't Jamar. When he was 12, he already had three kids.

Speaker 2 No No chick. No chick.

Speaker 2 Pulling our titties out is going to make him go running for the hills.

Speaker 2 You're going to knock him around and hope that his real wife doesn't find out. Yeah, someone who's not too experienced.
Yeah, 12 years ago.

Speaker 2 Someone probably grew up staring at shit.

Speaker 2 Ah, no way. Oh, yeah.
That is true. This is a fucking dorky virgin move.

Speaker 2 Oh, neighborhood dookie boy strikes again.

Speaker 2 The turd watcher.

Speaker 2 The turd watcher. Hey, man, I just shit behind this bush.

Speaker 2 Can you keep an eye on that for me?

Speaker 2 Hey, kid, come look at my shit.

Speaker 2 Hey, let me know if this looks like the other one you saw.

Speaker 2 Oh, this could be McGusker.

Speaker 2 Boobs at 12 is huge. I made out with my first girl at 12 years old.
I wasn't fucking about boobs until, I want to say the

Speaker 2 10th grade? 10th grade.

Speaker 2 the first ones were yours

Speaker 2 but I mean

Speaker 2 yeah I mean McCusker was your first touch boobs at 12 years old touch boobs at 12

Speaker 2 not me dude I like boobs

Speaker 2 telling you I totally clean consciousness nipples areos or oh the whole thing's great

Speaker 2 I was getting a lot of lap dances when I was 12.

Speaker 2 Practicing cousins.

Speaker 2 Yo, Jamar, tell me if this is good. Does this make you nut in the club?

Speaker 2 I guess if he wasn't my cousin.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but if we wasn't cousins, right? You'd be bricked up right now, right?

Speaker 2 I think so. I think so.

Speaker 2 It's also written in a very long way, like similarly to before Matt's story had a lot of commas, a lot of punctuation. Yeah, I mean, quotes, quotes.
Yeah, there's a lot.

Speaker 2 Fooling or I would never say fooling around quote. That's crazy.
Yeah, you would. When I was 12,

Speaker 2 we'll find out.

Speaker 2 Who could get a girl to come home with him at 12? Yeah, my mom was there. At home? Not me, I was in a foster home, so there's too many kids around.

Speaker 2 Oh, one of the real kids.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 People are going to lose big on this one.

Speaker 2 Feel bad. I'm worried about going with another thing to just not keep.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 my instincts have been really treating me pretty well so far. Has Jamar voted for Brendan Schaub on every single

Speaker 2 story so far? This one for real is him. Eventually going to be right.
Why do you think it's Brendan?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 he just seems like he was probably

Speaker 2 taking chicks home to see their titties and shit a lot.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Well, it's probably sexy.
You guys are going to feel like idiots in a second. It wasn't me.

Speaker 2 I didn't vote yet, but I'm thinking there's part of me that's thinking this could be Brendan as well. Because I know you were like a sports kid.

Speaker 2 These are all just assumptions. Fucking overbearing dad.
You got this girl in your house. Her titties are like, my dad's going to come home.
He's going to fucking kill me. You got to get out of here.

Speaker 2 And you're also a big meathead, so you were aggressive when you kicked her out.

Speaker 2 Get out, you mark a bitch. You fucking shoved her head out the door.
But y'all come here to save, so it actually could be Louis Jay Gomez. This could easily be me as well.

Speaker 2 I'm kind of talking to myself right now.

Speaker 2 Aggressive. I'm dragging this shit out.
Wait,

Speaker 2 did you ready to take your hand off? Oh, fuck. Oh, my bad.
Oh, my bad. I can't do that.
My bad, I can't do that.

Speaker 2 Nice catch.

Speaker 2 Oh, my bad. I didn't know I couldn't do that.
I take the rules very seriously, Jamar. All right, all right, all right.
All right. I put Brandon Shaw, but I think it it was Louie Jay.

Speaker 2 But you think it's me now. You're saying for the record, you think it was Louie Jay.

Speaker 2 Louis Jay.

Speaker 2 McCusker.

Speaker 2 It's either McCusker or Brendan. Who do we think it is? Do we think it's Matt McCusker?

Speaker 2 No. Wow.
Do we think it's Brendan Schaub?

Speaker 2 Man. A man of the people.

Speaker 2 Oh, good.

Speaker 2 They're reading something that I'm not reading here. And now I see Brendan's face.
He's sad. It's Louis Jay.

Speaker 2 He's getting sad.

Speaker 2 It's Louie Jay.

Speaker 2 Brendan is my final answer. The audience did that, Jay, who you vote

Speaker 2 shit.

Speaker 3 All right, story number five belongs to

Speaker 3 Big Jay Operson.

Speaker 2 Holy

Speaker 2 shit.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable.

Speaker 2 What a play.

Speaker 2 He was so composed. That was crazy.
He was shitting himself the entire time.

Speaker 2 When Messer running Brendan, I go, he's running Brendan.

Speaker 2 Dude, Dude, that was unbelievable. That was an amazing play.
Big J.

Speaker 2 Second half. Veteran move.

Speaker 2 Coming back to Austin with a vengeance after a victory here last night.

Speaker 2 Jay, tell us this story. Jesus Christ, that was a great play.

Speaker 2 Walking home from school with my friend Kristen, who lived up the street. And I think, like...

Speaker 2 Her dad was friends at my grandparents' or whatever. I used to stay at my grandparents' place.
And she came home after school one day to hang out. And I was like making a lot of like

Speaker 2 like what i thought was like empty suggestions because i was like she's not going to but i'm like definitely throwing it out there or something like and then she was pretty quickly like yeah sure and she took off her shirt and bra she had monster tits

Speaker 2 and then she goes can i lay on top of you and i went yeah and i laid on the ground And she laid on top of me. All I remember is that look up of like her own tits like squishing her face up.

Speaker 2 And then I just went, you got to get out of here. My grandma's going to get pissed.
Just like you said. I go, my grandma comes home here.
We're going to get in trouble.

Speaker 2 I just didn't know what to do next, so I panicked and fucking threw her out.

Speaker 2 I was like, This is all going, this is too fast for me. What's happening?

Speaker 2 And yeah, I panicked, threw her out, and said my grandmother would come home and yell at us. Damn.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll tell you right now, that story, even though you didn't get to fuck with your titties, was worth what you did because you just cleaned up.

Speaker 2 Clean swimming up. Oh, guys.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I had sex eventually. Nice.

Speaker 2 vagina penetration, full penetration.

Speaker 2 Alex, where are points at? God damn. All right.

Speaker 3 Tied for last place with one point each.

Speaker 3 Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 3 In third place with eight points, Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 3 In second place with nine points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 3 And now in the lead with 14 points,

Speaker 3 Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 2 Somebody needs to thank double points.

Speaker 2 Hey, Story Warriors, let's take a quick second and thank one of our great sponsors over here. And that, of course, is Turtle Beach.
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I don't fuck around. I'm not lying about this.
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Speaker 2 Just drink ag1.com/slash wars warz and let them know that we sent you. All right, where were we? Alex,

Speaker 2 story number six.

Speaker 3 Story number six.

Speaker 3 I got thrown out of my child's baseball game after almost fighting the ump. I was suspended for the next game, snuck in to watch, and got caught while hiding in the bushes.

Speaker 2 I want to say Brenda, but Brent's not hiding in bushes.

Speaker 2 He has to hide the tall trees, tall grass.

Speaker 2 I mean, if I'm not mistaken, this made national news.

Speaker 2 It was all over somebody's subreddit.

Speaker 2 This is the first time it's ever been really admitted to them public. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, look, I'm not going to say who I think it is. I'll let you guys figure it out, but I think I have an idea.

Speaker 2 Who's got a son who's super into sports and not musical theater?

Speaker 2 Baby James is extremely well-rounded. Absolutely.
His boyfriend told me so. Tigers

Speaker 2 Tigers cracking Homers, but James is going to be Sebastian Crab yet again.

Speaker 2 Tigers cracking Homers. James is cracking Homos.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 God damn it, James. Stop being so good.
Now, he's great.

Speaker 2 Both love get scholarships.

Speaker 2 Both get scholarships for different reasons.

Speaker 2 I told him I would hit him if he didn't love girls. Okay, so,

Speaker 2 Jamar, you have a daughter that's a baby. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's talented, though. This is not you.

Speaker 2 McCosker.

Speaker 2 You have two toddlers. Both girls? Yeah.
Yeah, not you. Jay, you have a daughter.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Not you.
She's not a lesbian. Oh, it says child's.
It says child's baseball game. This could be another child, but no, it doesn't say girls play softball.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It says baseball game. Not my daughter.

Speaker 2 She's strictly dickly.

Speaker 2 Jamar, do you have a who are you voting for over over here, Jamar?

Speaker 2 Well, you have a kid. You have a son, too.
You have a kid, too.

Speaker 2 Should we scratch this story?

Speaker 2 I mean, I think it's Brandon's shot because he's always talking about his kid and baseball

Speaker 2 and shit. Getting kicked out of Brandon almost.

Speaker 2 And it's, yeah, it's him.

Speaker 2 He's a bush hockey. I think it's Brendan because I watched TMZ.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it's Brandon because it was confirmed by several news sources.

Speaker 2 Trusted news sources.

Speaker 2 I mean, we're just wasting time on this one.

Speaker 2 Do we discount the story? No, we don't discount the story, Jay.

Speaker 2 There's no discounting stories. You know what? You're right.
There's still a chance that fucking

Speaker 2 Jamar's going to say somebody else.

Speaker 2 Brendan Shaw missed my vote.

Speaker 2 Shaw votes me.

Speaker 2 Brendan Shaw. What does it say up top? Yeah, that's Shaw.
I'm trying to write Story Wars, but it's Brendan Shaw right there.

Speaker 2 Store.

Speaker 2 It's a work in progress. These guys, Jamar, these guys don't understand art.
Man, my teacher was right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that lady. Let me get Ms.
Myers back here. How many letters from Story Wars? Four.

Speaker 2 You just stopped sounding it out at four letters. Like, oh, she she said four.
That was about it. Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 3 Story number six belongs to

Speaker 3 Brendan Shaw.

Speaker 2 So I guess the story is pretty much like the news copter covered. Yeah, it's.

Speaker 2 Terrible submission on my end.

Speaker 2 I apologize, fellas. That was in the news.
The kid was safe, though. That's the thing.
He was safe.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 every game I coach in them, you know, if they know who who I am, like, oh, bigger strike zone today. Don't want to get beat up.
I'm like, all right, man, sure. It got that heated.
Well, no,

Speaker 2 I've never interfered in the game ever, but this one was so obvious. The Tigers tried sliding the home, and he called them out, clearly safe.
And it was a short guy, like a real short, nerdy guy.

Speaker 2 And I come up, I go, come on, bud. You got to call it fair.
He killed fucking safe by a mile. And he goes, You're out of here.
And I went, I kind of panicked. I went, you're fucking dork.

Speaker 2 And he goes, oh, am I? Well, I'm not the one missing my son's game next. Damn.
And I got suspended for the next game. And I was like, yeah, right.
They're not going to enforce that.

Speaker 2 I show up and they're like, security was like, you got to get the fuck out.

Speaker 2 And I was like, no, I don't want to distract. Okay.
And I went and hid in the bushes. And they're like.

Speaker 2 Brendan wasn't hidden at all. His head was above the bushes.
His arms.

Speaker 2 What? I'm just a pretty little fern watching fucking baseball.

Speaker 2 Then security camera, like, what are you doing, dude? There's a bird on his head.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Did you do that thing? Or just a fight is tree, calling it like I sees it. Right down the middle.
No favoritism. He just saw your giant flower pot move five feet.

Speaker 2 That's my dad. The rhododendron.

Speaker 2 Was your son embarrassed? Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 He just hiding in the bush yelling, get some, like shit like that.

Speaker 2 Who else wants some? Did he? They're not. Did he like express that to you? I always thought it was interesting and funny.
Like,

Speaker 2 James is such a good kid, and he, and he knows his father so well that I've been in situations where Lewis starts losing his cool with somebody and James around.

Speaker 2 And James, like, he just kind of looks and goes, like, that's just my dad. It's like, such a guess, it's almost adorable.
He's like, you got to let him do his thing. And then he cools down.

Speaker 2 Well, he knows never to go against me. One time he went against me with a waiter, and he took the waiter's side because they were being rude.
You gave him a speech about loyalty?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was like, you're Gomez.

Speaker 2 I was like, I don't care how wrong you think I am. We take it up at home later on.
We are supposed to ride together through Valhalla.

Speaker 2 My only seed

Speaker 2 has betrayed me.

Speaker 2 Six stories down.

Speaker 2 We're having a great time. Alex, where are our points at? All right.

Speaker 3 Tied for last place with five points.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 2 Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors. Neighbors

Speaker 3 in fourth place with eight points Brennan Schaub

Speaker 3 in second place with 13 points Luis J. Gomez

Speaker 3 And in the lead with 18 points, Big Jay Okerson

Speaker 2 They love him.

Speaker 2 They love an underdog story.

Speaker 2 This is rooting for Rocky Rock. Because I wasn't supposed to be here.

Speaker 2 I should be pumping gas in the streets of Philadelphia. I'm uneducated.
I'm fat. I'm stupid.

Speaker 2 I'm afraid. What do you want me to say? For the first time in my life, all right?

Speaker 2 Is that what you want to hear?

Speaker 2 I don't want to lose what I got.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 boy.

Speaker 2 Two more stories, Alex.

Speaker 2 Jay could really run away with this one. Returning to Austin, Texas.
Story number seven.

Speaker 3 Story number seven.

Speaker 3 Recently, I found myself in a hot tub with about eight to ten 12-year-old girls.

Speaker 2 Found myself is funny way to put it. Chris Delia.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is going to look bad. Wah, wah, wah.

Speaker 2 Stupid radisson in.

Speaker 2 Who would admit this?

Speaker 2 Well, this is clearly. Somebody here hates pedophiles.
Okay, relax.

Speaker 2 Relax. Give him a chance.
What was the trick of a pedophile hunter? Throw the story up, and then he goes, it was me.

Speaker 2 Can I talk to you for a second?

Speaker 2 This is a birthday party, a family thing. It's not as salacious as we're all hoping.
I know. We're all getting these half boners for nothing right now.

Speaker 2 How old's James? He's 12.

Speaker 2 Now.

Speaker 2 He's gay.

Speaker 2 So where would the girls come from? Well, they're upstairs with dad in what you call a hot tub, but just a fucking hot bath with Lewis blowing a straw into it.

Speaker 2 Jesus. You girls like bubbles from Uncle Louie?

Speaker 2 Am I doing a turkey sound effect?

Speaker 2 That was me blowing bubbles.

Speaker 2 Eight to ten's weird, too, because that was definitely someone laying in bed, like, what a great day. There's probably eight, maybe 10, 12 little girls.

Speaker 2 Yeah, nobody goes like this. Two, four, four, six.

Speaker 2 How many?

Speaker 2 Eight to ten. I don't know, a couple were under the water, some were above.

Speaker 2 Depends when you were counting heads, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I thought there was eight, but then two popped up. They were busy.
Also, weird, also a weird language. Found myself in autumn.
Yeah. Okay.
This even struck me. What if they happened upon a situation?

Speaker 2 What if they mean they found themselves? They're like, this is who I really am.

Speaker 2 This is who I always have been.

Speaker 2 I'm a 12-year-old girl in a hot tub.

Speaker 2 To be real.

Speaker 2 I found myself.

Speaker 2 I just found myself

Speaker 2 today. Oh, dude, maybe this is when Jamar realized he was a painter.

Speaker 2 You were there. You go, I have to paint this moment.
Nah.

Speaker 2 The one painting you can never sell.

Speaker 2 This one's tough. Who would have been tricky on? Yeah, I mean, I think there's somebody trying to make it sound funny.
Wait. How old are your kids, Matt? Like five and three.
Like?

Speaker 2 Give it a gray area. I don't know.
Not fun enough to be fun yet.

Speaker 2 No, they're black. I mean, my son's not hanging out with.
They're not paying off dividends like this, so.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Yeah, who's this fucking drummer? He's like, fucking Paul Stanley.

Speaker 2 That'd be James, just in the middle of a bunch of 12 girls. Hey, gals.
We're all friends.

Speaker 2 I mean, Jamar, this could be like a family barbecue type situation. Family reunion.
Yeah, but ain't no

Speaker 2 find no hot tubs in Englewood like in somebody's backyard. No, that's right, but if there is a hot tub, everybody's getting in.

Speaker 2 All eight to ten.

Speaker 2 You better get that hot tub now. You better get that hot tub now.
We leave it soon.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking I'm getting Jamar vibes. Go in your underwear.
They all family. Because Jamar.

Speaker 2 Mom, I didn't bring no bathing suit. Go in your underwear.
Don't get your cousin like that.

Speaker 2 Well, if you ain't gay, then it shouldn't be a problem.

Speaker 2 Swim, don't look at his dick.

Speaker 2 I just, one man showed it to me thinking it's Jamar. It's Jamar.
I think it's Jamar, too.

Speaker 2 Nah, you know how I know it's not me? Because I wouldn't say 12-year-old girls. I would say 12-year-old bitches.
True. That's true.
But

Speaker 2 Alex will take liberties with the wording.

Speaker 2 What is your problem, Brendan? Have you voted for me every fucking round? Because Louis Jacob.

Speaker 2 I'm getting Jamar vibes.

Speaker 2 Dude, y'all got me fucked up. Am I the idiot here?

Speaker 2 What the

Speaker 2 Am I the idiot?

Speaker 2 Lewis, you would have called me about this.

Speaker 2 Elated. Dude, I just had the craziest night.
I got a pee.

Speaker 2 I just dropped James off. Then found myself in a hot tub.

Speaker 2 Not too much. You know what? I drove James home after his birthday party, told the girls, hey, hang out, I'll be back at 15.

Speaker 2 I was going to drop James off home. I'll be back in a second with some fucking Mike's heart lemonades.

Speaker 2 What, you guys like lemonade, no?

Speaker 2 Just like the lemonade you like. I got a pee.
Am I allowed to go do that? No, we have one more story, Jamar. All right, cool.
I think it's you.

Speaker 2 Alex, everybody's vote is in.

Speaker 3 Story number seven belongs to

Speaker 3 Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 2 Big points.

Speaker 2 You know, I really did just find myself in that hot tub. tub.

Speaker 2 Did you pass out on the night before and woke up in the morning? No, I...

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I was at a hotel somewhere on the road, like Rhode Island or somewhere. Who knows? Snorking.
And, yeah,

Speaker 2 you remember where. No, I don't.

Speaker 2 I went into the pool there was. The greatest fucking hot tub of your life? No, there was a hot tub.

Speaker 2 And I went into the hot tub. I was by myself.
And then all these girls one by one started coming in my hot tub. And then I started coming in my hot tub.

Speaker 2 No, no,

Speaker 2 stop it.

Speaker 2 How long did you stay in? How long did you stay in? You would think you're out when there's like four in there, right? No, dude, I couldn't let them out alpha me.

Speaker 2 I was like, I'm not leaving this hot tub. This is my hot tub.

Speaker 2 And then they were like, they were literally just 12-year-old, maybe 11-year-old. I have no idea.
You don't mind if we take our straps off. We don't want to get tan lines.

Speaker 2 I don't care. I'm not your dad.
Then they started.

Speaker 2 What am I here to tell you what to do? Live your life. They started eating like Cheetos, and they had like Cheetos.
I remember the girls, they kept on eating them for forever.

Speaker 2 Oh, you didn't say they were fat, 12-year-old girls.

Speaker 2 That changes everything.

Speaker 2 They were just...

Speaker 2 No, call the fucking front desk on them. No pigs.
No 12-year-old pigs in this pool.

Speaker 2 No, they were hot, dude.

Speaker 2 Apologies. Apologies.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was... It must have been a team.
They were a team or something, right?

Speaker 2 I was picturing babes the whole time. They were babes.

Speaker 2 That is, by the way, it is a weird thing.

Speaker 2 I smoke cigarettes and I go outside of hotels on the road a bunch, and it is like you see like a bus pull up, and it's like the girls, whatever team from some college coming out, and you're like, what an old creep I look like.

Speaker 2 Good game, gals.

Speaker 2 Kick ass out there today. Hey, don't hurt them on the ice.
So these girls, they were eating Cheetos, and they had a bag of Cheetos. And at one point, the girl, there was one girl,

Speaker 2 her fingers were covered in Cheeto dust, and she just made eye contact with me. And I watched her just dunk her hands into the hot tub water to clean her hands.

Speaker 2 Exactly how I would have handled it if I was alone.

Speaker 2 You were probably on those things like a catfish, dude.

Speaker 2 Dude, I was so

Speaker 2 noodling for you.

Speaker 2 I went,

Speaker 2 I'm just oake noodling, mister.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 You heard that's how how you catch a Puerto Rican, dude.

Speaker 2 The bait was on there.

Speaker 2 She goes back to her hotel room with a Lewis on her arm. Mom, I think I figured it out.
And then there was a sign that said nobody under 16 allowed in the hot tub.

Speaker 2 Like carding people you carry? I went over to hotel, like the person that was working, like the polar area. Beaver check.

Speaker 2 I was like, you gotta, I was like, I was like, these girls gotta go. They're not of age.
And I got them kicked out of the hot tub.

Speaker 2 You asshole.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You're a monster.

Speaker 2 First of all, why are you going into that fucking age soup that is a fucking hotel hot tub, you weirdo?

Speaker 2 Alex, where are our points at? Seven stories down. What a show.

Speaker 3 All right, tide for last place with nine points each. Matt McCusker and Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 3 In third place with 12 points, Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 3 In second place with 15 points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with 18 points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm coming for you.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 It's a three-way dance.

Speaker 2 We have one more story. Are you guys having a great time tonight?

Speaker 2 Austin, Texas, are you having a great time? Come on, folks.

Speaker 2 It's our final story, Jay.

Speaker 2 Story number eight.

Speaker 3 Story number eight.

Speaker 3 There was this kid in my neighborhood who would steal stuff for us. One day we went to Goodwill and he got chased out for stealing a pair of Eddie Bauer cargo shorts.

Speaker 3 I remember feeling kind of sad for him and decided to steal for myself going forward.

Speaker 2 This is Lewis's origin story.

Speaker 2 No, I was the kid who would steal for that kid. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying.
This is telling a story about you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 First thought, Matt McCusker. Me?

Speaker 2 Matt's a nice, empathetic boy.

Speaker 2 And I feel like you would feel sadness for this guy.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say something unpopular possibly here. Please.
This feels like awe, Brendan Shauve to me.

Speaker 2 Yep. I think there was some neighborhood piece of shit kid.

Speaker 2 that would steal stuff for them. This is a very Colorado story.

Speaker 2 Steal all kinds of stuff, like those sheepskin things and fucking saddles.

Speaker 2 A leather jacket. Yeah, and then one that guy went down for stealing some Eddie Bauer cargo shorts.

Speaker 2 Very particular cargo shorts. It is.
I think it was Matt McCusker because it starts the same sentence. It starts with this kid in my neighborhood.
And this kid in my neighborhood also took a shit.

Speaker 2 It's the same kid. It's the same kid.

Speaker 2 But as a selective label whore myself, I feel Brendan's got that label whore in him. Lewis would never say Eddie Bauer cargo shorts.
That means nothing to him. But Matt McCusker would.

Speaker 2 No, not in a million years. Matt wouldn't do that.
No, he doesn't care about Eddie Bauer cargo shorts. This is either a cool black guy,

Speaker 2 an aspiring young wigger,

Speaker 2 or Brendan Schaub and his rap scallion hooligan friends from fucking Aurora, Colorado. The ones that didn't shoot up at school.

Speaker 2 The cool ones.

Speaker 2 Who is he still in Eddie Bauer shorts for?

Speaker 2 Bitches? Well, it's Goodwill. Bitches.

Speaker 2 For the bitches. And who always wears shorts? Big J.

Speaker 2 Never Eddie Bauer, never Cargo.

Speaker 2 I've been at Gene Shorts since the Ghostface kill and the ice cream video.

Speaker 2 He was a kid.

Speaker 2 It's like everyone's accepting it's true. Always Gene Shorts.

Speaker 2 I mean, Brendan's being quiet right now. He's also doing a lot of like self-soothing and touching his face.
He's covering himself. Now he's stopped doing it because he thinks we're looking at him.

Speaker 2 I'm analyzing physically what's going on with Brendan Schaub right now. He's giving me some physical.
He's just doing that thing, whatever you say he's going to do.

Speaker 2 Now he's gripping his microphone. Now he's squinting his eyes at me like a Chinese woman.
He's elbowing McCusker in the face and putting Jamon a headlock. This is going to crazy.

Speaker 2 Eddie Bauer's throwing Eddie Bauer's throwing me because it's like

Speaker 2 they made an Eddie Bauer edition of Ford Explorer at one point. That's what I know about.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Pretty good.

Speaker 2 After the box style. It had a pinstripe on it.

Speaker 2 I think it's Matt McCusker because i feel kind of sad for him that's empathy that's yeah and i

Speaker 2 bauer's a very white thing like as whites we like eddie bower i don't even know i don't even know about him so

Speaker 2 oh it's him boy oh dude

Speaker 2 steal for myself

Speaker 2 steal for myself

Speaker 2 what neighborhood you grew up in matt me you grew up delco uh garnet valley oh no no i didn't take this stand this is this is not yeah i never think thank you

Speaker 2 They know you're dying to cheat.

Speaker 2 It's who you are.

Speaker 2 Ah, fuck, this is one of the toughest ones we've had tonight. Can I remind you all whoever takes this game is going home with how I helped OJ get away with murder?

Speaker 2 Which is ultimately presented as a confession, revealing why Mike Gilbert broke his long-held loyalty when he finally became fully convinced Simpson was guilty.

Speaker 2 The book provides his final dramatic statement, reversing his decades of support of O.J. Simpson's vile crimes and condemning the trial of the century verdict.

Speaker 2 This is it, folks.

Speaker 2 Jamar Neighbors putting his vote in for Big Jay Okerson right there. And then

Speaker 2 I don't think he's Big Jay either.

Speaker 2 Big Jay votes for Schaub.

Speaker 2 Brendan Schaub. This is the only way to beat Jay right now is if I'm right about this.
And I'm going to go with my initial instinct. My boy Maddie McCusker.

Speaker 2 He's a nice guy.

Speaker 2 I could see him saying this thing, feeling sad for him. He's the only one up here I feel like that would feel sad for somebody in this situation.
It's possible.

Speaker 2 It's possible for sure. And this is the way that I bring it home and I take it away from Big J.

Speaker 2 I don't think so, but maybe.

Speaker 2 If it's Brendan, Big Jay wins.

Speaker 2 Essentially, right? If it's McCusker,

Speaker 2 you wins.

Speaker 2 Either way, if it's Big J would have watched it. Kiss.

Speaker 2 Alex.

Speaker 3 Our final story, story number eight, belongs to

Speaker 3 Matt McCusker.

Speaker 2 That's right, Matt. That's right.

Speaker 2 You looked me over J in the face and you said, what is Eddie Bauer? Oh, I thought it was a car also.

Speaker 2 This show makes my friends hurt me.

Speaker 2 You're the one sticking up for me. Everyone was like, it's instantly me.
And then you're like, I think it was, and it just took the heat off me for a little bit. Oh, fuck, that felt good, Jay.

Speaker 2 I really bent you over there, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, that was delightful. I thought I had more people fooled, though.
I almost came up on that one, but. Yeah, you did good.
So tell us a story here, please.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was just this kid who would like, you know, back when when they kept the cigarettes low instead of like up in the thing, we would go to Wawa and we would just be like, dude, it's your turn to steal the cigarettes.

Speaker 2 And he would just no question just take like black and mild cigarettes, candy bars. And then one day we just all went to Goodwill to like fucking around.
We used to buy t-shirts from there.

Speaker 2 And we like watched him get chased out of the store. This guy was like, he took a pair of Eddie Bauer cards.

Speaker 2 And it just stuck with me ever since. And I remember being like, damn, I don't want to hang out with that kid anymore.

Speaker 2 But the stealing from Goodwill was kind of, even back then, low. That was like a low move.
The shorts were $3.

Speaker 2 Eddie Bowers? All right. EBs.

Speaker 2 That's a good deal. But now he got away with it, though.
He was rocking himself.

Speaker 2 He eventually got away?

Speaker 2 Some khaki-colored Eddie Bauer cargo. So you didn't feel bad that he got caught.
You felt bad that he chose the life. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Stealing from Goodwill, I remember even as a child being like, that's not right. We shouldn't.
Cigarettes from Wawa, that's totally understandable. Cargo shirts from Eddie Bowers.

Speaker 2 Wawa's a Native American company. True.

Speaker 2 They've had it too good for too long. DS this old patriot.

Speaker 2 Alex, all of our stories are finally done. What is our final score?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 3 In last place with nine points, Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 2 The number one in all of our hearts.

Speaker 2 Say that next time, Alex. It lessens the blow.

Speaker 3 In fourth place with 13 points, Matt McCusker.

Speaker 2 It's a good showing. He had one until two stories ago.

Speaker 3 In third place with 16 points, Brendan Schaub.

Speaker 2 Respectable.

Speaker 2 Respectable first showing.

Speaker 2 Very solid score.

Speaker 3 Second place scored 18 points. And your winner tonight with 19 points.

Speaker 3 Louis Jay Gomez.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Those are reluctant woo-woos.
They're not happy for you. No, they love me.

Speaker 2 They love me.

Speaker 2 Ladies,

Speaker 2 I'm so happy to fucking have this book. How I help OOJ get away with murder.
You're so jealous. It might be the first book I really wanted.
Yeah, dude. I want to own it.

Speaker 2 Signing up.

Speaker 2 Wow, what a show, guys. Do you have a great time tonight?

Speaker 2 That's right, Story.

Speaker 2 A big round of applause for your winner, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 2 Our amazing panel, the great Jamar Neighbors.

Speaker 2 This special comes out November 2nd. Brandon Schaub, thank you so much for being here, Fighter and the Kid.

Speaker 2 Matt McCusky, your new special humbug offering right now on Netflix.

Speaker 2 And make sure you check out Matt and Shane Sever Podcast. We'll catch you guys next time.
Thank you so much, Comedy Mothership. Thank you so much, Austin.
We love you guys.

Speaker 2 Until next time, peace.