068. Duncan Trussell, Tim Butterly, Heidi Regina| Dreams

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Speaker 4 what's going on story warriors if you love story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience come out to the new york comedy club every wednesday night at 7 45 p.m to be a part of the show don't be a piece of just get your tickets and come it's fun face new york comedy club.com hey story warriors black friday sales are here for the rest of the month at storywars merch.com every item is buy two get one free shirts hoodies and brand new mugs now available we got the double points shirts we got the logo shirts many more coming soon.

Speaker 1 So if you head on over right now to Story Wars merch, that's Wars with a Z, storywarsmerch.com, get your merch today. All right, let's start the show.

Speaker 1 Fill her up.

Speaker 1 You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big Jay Ogerson and Louis J. Gome

Speaker 1 What's up mothership? Welcome to Story Wars

Speaker 1 Austin Edition.

Speaker 4 Austin, Texas, we love coming to you guys. How you guys feeling tonight?

Speaker 1 This is great.

Speaker 4 Look at this crowd. Sold-out show.
The main room here, the fat man here at the comedy mothership. Easy.
It's our second show here.

Speaker 4 We're both the fat, the fat gay bitch room over here at the uh

Speaker 1 you cocksucker.

Speaker 1 You know, this has been a tough night for me already. Uh, we always ask this of our crowds.
Who here is familiar with the game Story Wars?

Speaker 1 It's pretty good.

Speaker 4 Who here is not familiar with the Game Story Wars?

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 4 Fucking pieces of shit.

Speaker 1 Suck my dick.

Speaker 1 Let's terrify them.

Speaker 4 We don't want any new people to be involved in this.

Speaker 1 Different.

Speaker 1 Different.

Speaker 4 You guys are going to love it. You're going to have a lot of fun tonight, I promise you guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if we're going to explain, it's a very easy show that we've made very complicated, but we'll explain it. Once we get our Steam panel up on this stage,

Speaker 1 our first contestant, you know him from the Dad Meet podcast, the Tim Butterly Show. He is

Speaker 1 a former story warrior with a top career score of 63 points right here. Wow.

Speaker 1 Make some noise for new Austin residents, the hilarious Tim Butterly in the house.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 the people have spoken and they want Butterly.

Speaker 1 Is that kind of an ass stat, though? Having the most points, but only one win?

Speaker 1 Well, you've only done it a couple times. I don't know if you know this.
I've played every one of them.

Speaker 1 And I have five more wins than you.

Speaker 4 Our next competitor making her Story Wars debut. She had a podcast called Love on the Line.
You know her from Kill Tony.

Speaker 1 Clapping up for the beautiful Heidi Regina.

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness. I am so excited to be here.

Speaker 4 I'm excited to look at you.

Speaker 2 They usually don't let me speak in this building, so.

Speaker 1 The tides are. Oh, my God, the lovely Heidi, who I'm pretending to be attracted to,

Speaker 4 because I like men.

Speaker 1 Dude, what if every time she talks in the balcony, we just hear Tony go,

Speaker 1 that'd be perfect.

Speaker 1 Our final, last but not least, contestant, first time, no, not first time on the show. No, second time.
Second time on the show.

Speaker 1 He is currently on tour, and you know him from the Duncan Trussell family hour, it is the great Duncan Trussell!

Speaker 1 Good, buddy.

Speaker 1 Oh, now that we have our esteemed panel up here. If you're not familiar with Story Awards or it's your first time listening at at home, I'll explain the game real quick.

Speaker 1 Everybody on this panel, Lewis and I included, all five of us have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic:

Speaker 1 dreams.

Speaker 1 Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories in random order and read them off one at a time. It's going to come up on this screen.

Speaker 1 If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to fool everybody that it's not your story.
And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Speaker 4 Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one points.
So when it's your story, you have an opportunity to get four points.

Speaker 4 Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot and remove your hand. That is your final answer.
You can't change your answer.

Speaker 4 And I'll tell you right now, Yes, Jay.

Speaker 1 Heidi's making the guys so horny over there.

Speaker 1 Now, now Heidi, come here.

Speaker 1 Oh, Heidi, that's just the thing we do on the show.

Speaker 4 It's like a running gang.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm like Richard Dawkins on the old family feud.

Speaker 1 I'm going to finger you, but I'm fingering everybody. Yeah, it's weird.
It's not just you. Don't make it about you.

Speaker 4 And I'll tell you right now, listen, this game is a ton of fun. A ton of fun.
It's the most fun you're going to ever have at a live podcast, but we're not playing for fun.

Speaker 4 Jay, let him know what we're playing for.

Speaker 1 Every week here at Story Wars, we're competing heavily for a book from the Story Wars library. This week's winner takes home the book of useless information by Noel Botham.

Speaker 2 Jay's never read anything in his life, by the way.

Speaker 1 The Book of Useless Information is a pointless collection of fun facts, odd history, and answers to questions nobody's ever needed to ask.

Speaker 1 You'll find out fascinating information about all sorts of things, such as ketchup originated in China, and Hitler was claustrophobic.

Speaker 4 Did you know that blueberry jelly bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan?

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like it, dude. Everybody hungry for it.

Speaker 1 I think everybody that understands is going to understand. If not, you're going to pick it up along the way.
But I think this crowd is ready for war, yeah?

Speaker 1 Come on. Are you ready for war?

Speaker 1 Cut off the ears and make a necklace of ears.

Speaker 1 Me, familia, me familia.

Speaker 1 Give me that. Give me your daughter.

Speaker 1 She's a woman now.

Speaker 1 She's a woman now. Disgraced.
Kill her. Kill her in front of me.

Speaker 1 You wise war as hell.

Speaker 1 Alexandra.

Speaker 1 Story number one.

Speaker 5 Story number one.

Speaker 5 I recently had a dream that a comedian shot me in the stomach at a comedy show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's Heidi with cum.

Speaker 4 No, that was my dream.

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 We are stupid.

Speaker 4 So yeah, I mean, how do you even approach this right now?

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't have a stomach, so it's got to be Jay.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Roasted!

Speaker 1 Holy

Speaker 1 shit!

Speaker 1 Wow!

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 your fucking ass is perfect.

Speaker 1 You're supposed to make me feel. I was looking at it.
I was looking at it back there. It's really great.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Jay. Fucking bitch.

Speaker 1 I think it's Jay.

Speaker 1 I think it's Heidi then.

Speaker 4 I would say Heidi probably feels very threatened by comedians all the time. Like, just because comedians are creepy, I'm sure.
Who's been the creepiest comedian to you since you saw?

Speaker 1 You, Luke.

Speaker 1 Why would you, I mean, buddy.

Speaker 1 In my head, I was going like, no, no, no, no. That's the truth.

Speaker 1 I haven't been that creepy, Heidi.

Speaker 2 You are literally the only one who's ever been creepy.

Speaker 1 Tim, Angel. Angel.

Speaker 1 You hear that, pussy?

Speaker 1 Give me five. Give me five.

Speaker 2 Get out of my DMs, Lewis. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 I'm not going to Jamaica with you, shit. For the mailing side!

Speaker 1 Holy shit. The Legion of Skates are getting decimated by that.
I do think it's Jay.

Speaker 1 Story Warriors have been.

Speaker 1 Whatever we are. So fuck up, Heidi.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. That was fantastic.

Speaker 1 I really enjoyed that.

Speaker 1 Lewis is the only creepy person.

Speaker 1 I don't know about creepy, but I just know that Heidi's one of the few people I've seen.

Speaker 1 Like when Lewis does is, I can tell when he's laying it on because you hear this out of him as he says something. You could watch from far away and see him go,

Speaker 1 you were giving a lot of arm on the wall. Yeah, stuff like that.
I don't know. Single father, but I'm getting by.

Speaker 1 Kits Gomez.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 And this is why. I'll tell you why.
Okay, Duncan.

Speaker 1 His father was stabbed in the stomach. And he was, weren't you sodomized with a gun? Sodomized with a gun? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 But by that logic, so was Jay.

Speaker 1 It's true. Right.
That's true. But I hated it.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 It woke something up inside of you. This is my analysis.
It woke something inside of you. It like it lit a fuse.
Let's put it like that. And your dream is the explosion of desire.

Speaker 1 Because when you were penetrated by that gun, just

Speaker 1 tell me if I'm wrong.

Speaker 1 You thought about your father.

Speaker 2 We've got Freud over here.

Speaker 1 Freudian.

Speaker 1 Is this how cults start? Wow.

Speaker 1 Sold.

Speaker 1 What's our next move, Duncan?

Speaker 1 Are we mobilizing? Are we laying in the cut?

Speaker 2 Tim is too quiet.

Speaker 4 Tim's been very

Speaker 4 goddamn word up here.

Speaker 1 He's on bath salts.

Speaker 1 I think it's Heidi.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Something about

Speaker 1 the wording strikes me as someone who is not a comedian. That's the way you would phrase it.
If you were murdered by a comedian and it wasn't also a comic. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 And also, it's like, yeah, it's got to be fucking hell standing behind that curtain with just like a million guys with one arm and a stutter.

Speaker 1 But I know that they would would be.

Speaker 1 Whatever their intentions are, whatever your interactions are like, that's just like a high

Speaker 1 cortisol environment for your brain to be in. And so I think,

Speaker 4 I think it made you worry in the night.

Speaker 1 I'm going Heidi. Sorry.

Speaker 2 I still think it's kind of Tim right now. Now I'm trying to, I'm cheating.

Speaker 1 Make up your fucking mind, bitch.

Speaker 1 I'm a Libra.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Fuck you.
I'm sorry, dude. I don't know.
I'm trying to get out in front of of whatever you're going to say to me.

Speaker 1 It's just coming with heat, so you didn't get to prepare.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm putting my vote down. Heidi, I don't know what it is.
I just feel like you probably feel threatened by comedians all the time.

Speaker 4 And I think that's where the logic comes from. The subconscious kicks in.

Speaker 2 I still don't have a stomach, though. It's Tim, I think.

Speaker 1 Fet fuck.

Speaker 2 I changed my mind.

Speaker 1 I like me. And I feel like you're at at comedy shows

Speaker 5 story number one belongs to lewis j gomez

Speaker 4 that's right i come out and take an early lead duncan you're on to me

Speaker 4 uh yeah no uh so there was a there's a i want to say who it is there's a comedian who's been weirdly threatening me online for like six months to a year,

Speaker 4 like all the time?

Speaker 1 Like, Sean Garland, he's been haunting your dreams.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so I had a dream.

Speaker 4 I had a dream that he showed up at a comedy show, and I turned around a corner, and he was there, and he pulled out a handgun and he shot me right in the stomach.

Speaker 4 And as soon as he shot me, I opened my eyes and I was awake. And it was the first time something like that had ever happened, but it was fucking terrifying.
And I'm genuinely scared.

Speaker 1 That's damn, and he's he's hearing this right now, just stroking.

Speaker 1 You know you know what's wild?

Speaker 1 Do you know what aside from being assassinated Martin Luther King

Speaker 1 and John Lennon.

Speaker 1 That's the theme of the dream. They both dreamed

Speaker 1 They both dreamed that they were days before that they were gonna be shot really isn't that weird

Speaker 4 that's crazy. Thank you Duncan for making me feel worse

Speaker 1 It's a phenomenon called premonition. Yeah, it's a premonition Well that sounds awesome.

Speaker 4 I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 This guy's not going to do good out in our wigwam, dude. And Gandhi, too.
Gandhi.

Speaker 1 Duncan, we're retarded.

Speaker 1 Alex, what are our scores after one round?

Speaker 4 Duncan, nobody else heard that. That was in your head.

Speaker 5 On the scoreboard, after round one, with two points each, Luis J. Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Duncan Trussell.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, Big Jay is like, he's like, it's like an underdog story. So now he has like fans in the crowd that specifically want him to win.

Speaker 1 Look, they love him.

Speaker 4 They want him to win so badly.

Speaker 1 And he comes close.

Speaker 1 He comes close so often and it gets torn right from his hands. I make everybody have fun.

Speaker 1 They just want me to be happy once in a while. At some point, it has to turn from like hope to just disappointment in you, though.

Speaker 1 How long can you sustain this? It gets to that laffable,

Speaker 1 sleep-deprived, kind of like, yeah, man.

Speaker 1 Why would it go any other way?

Speaker 1 Why wouldn't my own friend lie to my fucking face seven times a week?

Speaker 4 Is it eventually going to be like it's like a losing team where there's nobody in the stands anymore? We're having trouble selling selling tickets.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, yeah. My jersey's not selling anymore.

Speaker 4 Alex, story number two.

Speaker 5 Story number two.

Speaker 5 I had a nightmare that I was in a strip club mass shooting. I ended up saving this stripper and bringing her in a car to the hospital.

Speaker 2 Lewis, what was her name?

Speaker 1 To me, that's got... Now, you're thinking it's Lewis, but

Speaker 1 he would not

Speaker 1 take her to the hospital in her car.

Speaker 4 No, see what it says?

Speaker 1 He saved her in the car with fucking dick-to-mouth resuscitation and then took her to the hospital for aftercare because he wasn't in there for the long. He has no, he doesn't have a Heidi.

Speaker 1 He's not a phlebotomist.

Speaker 4 Heidi was a

Speaker 4 lady of the night. How many of you are a stripper?

Speaker 1 I was not. A stripper.
Get off of Reddit, Lewis. Were you a stripper? Were you ever a stripper or not? No, I was not.
You were never a stripper. I was never a stripper.
I really thought you were. No.

Speaker 1 Damn it.

Speaker 4 That's part of when I jerk off thinking about you. You're a stripper manager, but you never did it yourself.

Speaker 1 Correct. Oh, wow.
That's true. A stripper manager?

Speaker 1 What does that mean? Like, you walk behind him like fanning out money?

Speaker 1 Like a wrestling valet? That's right, bitches.

Speaker 2 We here. Keep everyone in line.

Speaker 4 You're a stripper manager.

Speaker 1 Yes. Thank you, sir.

Speaker 4 Thank you, guy in Duncan Trussell's head.

Speaker 1 Fucking straight up.

Speaker 1 Welcome. Straight up, girl.
Call him Madam when you're. Straight pimping.

Speaker 4 Well, I'm just saying you've spent some time at some strip clubs is what I'm saying. Yes.
So this could be where your head's at.

Speaker 1 I don't think her dream would be throwing someone over her shoulder like a firefighter.

Speaker 1 This feels like a Tim Butterly. Tim Butterly, I've watched, I went to a concert with Tim Butterly, and he's ready to step in for some heroics.

Speaker 1 He's a man that sparks into action. Oh, you're talking about me preventing a rape.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 You're talking about me literally intervening in a rape.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what you're saying. Hey, man, I told you I wasn't going to rape.
I'm bragging on your behalf. You'll jump in, you'll jump in and handle it.
I thought you're making fun of it.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Heidi has me on the defensive.
You are really on the defense. You are wound up, my man.

Speaker 1 I was like, this is the guy who would go and fucking save a stripper and bring her to a club. He's a heroic guy.
He went, you're fat. She's right.
You're fat.

Speaker 1 Why are we all getting hurt? It's the only second story of eight. That is on me, man.
I'm really sorry right now.

Speaker 1 This is definitely Jay. And I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 It's not, but I'd like to listen. You know, one thing I think we have in common, I don't know this for sure.
I've never seen you in shorts. I've never seen...

Speaker 1 Is that true?

Speaker 1 I could be wrong. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're laughing for that.

Speaker 1 Don't let. No.

Speaker 1 Regardless, if the man wears shorts, he wears shorts. I think.
I mean, like a cartoon character, he always wears jean shorts. Okay, that doesn't count as shorts.

Speaker 1 Okay, if we're not counting that as shorts, then you're right on shorts. Here's what I think:

Speaker 1 I think that for you, being exposed, being vulnerable, opening your heart, like what you did when you kissed Lewis. That was a beautiful moment in Brave.
It was real.

Speaker 1 So, in this dream, you're the stripper.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that represents your most vulnerable side. And to you, exposing yourself to the world

Speaker 1 is a nightmare. And this is you saving yourself.
This is you saving yourself and opening your heart to the world.

Speaker 1 Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 1 I speak your name.

Speaker 1 I speak your name. I speak your name.
Lewis, relax, you fucking dweeb. This guy over here, the fucking

Speaker 1 commissioner of the league over here, he goes, you can't do your own self. You can't do your own self.
I'm aware. I play the game.
I hear the speech.

Speaker 1 That was wild.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 By the way, if on the joke I put it in... No.
Oh!

Speaker 1 We all get it. It's a fucking joke.

Speaker 1 You can't take your hand off it, dude.

Speaker 1 Breaking the rules. My head's going to explode.

Speaker 1 You can't write your own name anyway. I hope this opens a portal.

Speaker 1 You cannot write your own name anyway.

Speaker 1 I'll take no points for this this round. I'm not going to win anyway.
I'm here for the ha-has.

Speaker 1 That's got to be merch.

Speaker 1 Don't let Heidi draw me for the picture, though, because she's going to make me fat.

Speaker 4 Heidi, I see you haven't put it in the slot yet, but I see that you did put Lewis.

Speaker 1 You spelled it wrong. That's okay.
How do you spell your name? L-U-I-S.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 How do you spell that? L-E-U-I-S. L-U-I-S.
L-U. Oh.
L-E, like Lou, like Lou.

Speaker 1 Lou is.

Speaker 1 Oh, that is. Very Puerto Rican.

Speaker 1 Not like the store.

Speaker 4 Why are you putting my name on there, Heidi?

Speaker 2 Why do you think this is me? Just because that's my gut instinct.

Speaker 4 You don't have a gut, bitch.

Speaker 1 Ow!

Speaker 2 Fuck you, Lewis.

Speaker 2 Ouch!

Speaker 1 That's just what I think. Read that dub, dude.

Speaker 1 That was for Butterly.

Speaker 1 You're breaking my man apart over there.

Speaker 2 I just think it's you.

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 I think it's Jay. If it was Lewis, he would be committing the shooting.

Speaker 2 That's real ripe coming from a white man.

Speaker 1 She's saying guys like us shoot up strip clubs. Duncan, what the hell? Punch her in the face.

Speaker 1 You think we're violent? Duncan, beat the fuck out of her right now. Come on.
Don't let her talk about us like that, man.

Speaker 1 Jay worked with strippers. I bet he constantly fantasized about saving them so nicely.
By the way,

Speaker 1 if I was going to have a dream, that would be the dream of it because how many times, like, they really thought that I was going to be more. I really had your back back there, just so you know.

Speaker 1 I mean, I was definitely like a, all right, girls, it's going haywire. Let's all run.

Speaker 1 You're catching your breath and you're like,

Speaker 1 hey, no sweat. I'm just doing my job, ladies.
It's just, you don't have to thank me either, but I don't know. I was thinking, like, maybe free lap dance.

Speaker 1 But I literally had two of them jump into my car half naked and yelling, you're the worst at this.

Speaker 1 And old men do this job with guns.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 It's Heidi or Jay.

Speaker 1 I do feel an argument for why. It could be me.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Heidi. Fuck.

Speaker 4 I'm getting big J vibes right now.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 And I love you, Jay, but everyone's voting Jay.

Speaker 4 And Duncan, by the way, did break it down. This would be twice in a row if he did an analysis of this

Speaker 4 where he nailed it.

Speaker 1 This is difficult because everybody said me, so I don't have any counter punch.

Speaker 1 Fuck Duncan.

Speaker 1 Well, here's the thing. Fuck you!

Speaker 1 Fuck you!

Speaker 1 Well, can I give you my let me show my work Duncan laid that eloquent shit out last time, and it got me to go, that's Lewis. And he nailed Lewis, and it was Lewis.

Speaker 1 But I know this isn't me when he did that breakdown, which means maybe it's him.

Speaker 1 If it's me, why would I be killing all this time at this point? I want everyone here to understand that you've all guessed wrong. This is my chance to take a fucking lead.
That's why I give a shit.

Speaker 1 That's why I give a shit.

Speaker 1 It's not about me, it's about these people.

Speaker 1 It's about these people who come out and pay their hard-earned dollars.

Speaker 4 I can't wait to make him him lose.

Speaker 4 Believe all you want in him. He's a loser.
He stinks at the game.

Speaker 1 Can I also say my first instinct was Tim Butterly?

Speaker 1 By the way, if it is Jay, this is just a hilarious thing. It's not me.
I would do Tim for sure.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 1 It's not me, man.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. It's Donkin.
It's Donkin. Fuck, Donkin.

Speaker 4 Wow. Heidi's lit.

Speaker 1 Heidi's lit right now. Stakes are high.

Speaker 4 They never let her talk to kill Tony.

Speaker 1 She's

Speaker 1 Heidi unchained. This rules.
We can steal her as third Mike on this show tomorrow. Do you want to be our new Dave Smith?

Speaker 1 For one 70th the pay.

Speaker 4 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 1 Wow, everybody. Oh, no.

Speaker 5 Story number two

Speaker 5 belongs to Heidi Regina.

Speaker 2 You guys did that on purpose, didn't you? You guys are so sweet.

Speaker 1 You're trying to let me know.

Speaker 2 I was like, the literal whole audience knew it as well. Like, they were all saying Heidi.
It was very obviously Heidi.

Speaker 4 So is there any more to this story?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's now a medical esthetician. She was a real girl.

Speaker 2 And yeah, now she, and I saved her. So like somebody came in and they started shooting everybody in my dream.
And I put her in my car and I was like nursing her back to health.

Speaker 4 Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Breastfeeding.

Speaker 1 You're a manager. You got to get her up on that pole again.

Speaker 2 No, but she's doing great now in real life.

Speaker 1 Every day on your back's dull or not made, am I right?

Speaker 4 So I'm sorry, you said she's doing great in real life.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's now a medical esthetician.

Speaker 1 What is a medical, isn't an esthetician like makeup and shit?

Speaker 1 She does like facials

Speaker 2 and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My daughter's an esthetician. Don't say she does that.

Speaker 1 Facials?

Speaker 2 Your daughter does facials, Jay.

Speaker 1 She gives facials.

Speaker 1 Not much of a squares. She's a squirter, like her mama.

Speaker 4 Two stories down, Alex. Where are our points at?

Speaker 5 All right, in last place with zero points, Tim Butterly.

Speaker 4 Now remember, Tim Butterly is a former story warrior.

Speaker 1 Heidi is living rent-free in his head.

Speaker 1 Not now. Calm down, sir.

Speaker 1 You'll remember, I'm in self-imposed DP Exile. I refuse to utter the phrase after it was wrongfully taken from me and only me.

Speaker 4 DP Exile was the strip club that Heidi worked at.

Speaker 2 DP Exile was the gun that went inside of both your asses.

Speaker 1 Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 Ow!

Speaker 1 It was two different guns, Heidi.

Speaker 5 Tied for second place with two points each: Lewis J. Gomez, Big Jay Okerson, and Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 5 And in the lead with four points, Heidi Regina.

Speaker 2 I'm coming for that book.

Speaker 1 I'm coming for you.

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All right, where were we?

Speaker 1 Alex, story number three.

Speaker 5 Story number three.

Speaker 5 The first time I did DMT, I was in a peaceful, dreamlike state where I felt like I was in an organic spaceship cocoon.

Speaker 2 We've all seen Midnight Gospel.

Speaker 5 A comedian gave me a vape pen with it and talked me through the experience.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Just so you know, this is some MKUltra mind control shit right now

Speaker 1 And it's definitely one of these two

Speaker 1 It's definitely one of these two, but and and obviously Obviously, they thought that you were gonna think it's of course me it's a fantastic move. No, it's I listen It's I wish that I you know I wait.

Speaker 1 Can I just say this? When I smoked DMT and had my breakthrough experience, I saw a cow, a bovine cow with a lantern. I never got to see any of this cool shit, and it sucked.

Speaker 1 So, this wasn't me. I didn't go into some fucking spaceship cocoon.

Speaker 4 I don't think it's Duncan.

Speaker 1 Excuse you. Right here.
What? I don't.

Speaker 1 Right here.

Speaker 2 No, you might be right on that.

Speaker 4 Butterly is a fucking psychonaut, as they say.

Speaker 4 And he does a lot of tripping, a lot of DMT. I can see this easily being butter.
It's too on the nose to be Duncan.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm thinking. And so now it's like, who,

Speaker 1 but maybe it is so on the nose because it is Duncan.

Speaker 1 That's why it's like a good thing to hit someone in the nose.

Speaker 2 You have your vape pen right there.

Speaker 4 Jay's done DMT with me specifically. It didn't work.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 He did. It was insane.

Speaker 1 I did. I tried triple the amount everybody else.

Speaker 4 I was the comedian that walked Jay through his DMT experience. This is not Jay.

Speaker 1 This is Lewis. But wait a minute.
Wonderful play.

Speaker 1 The language is weird. To go back to what you said before, why would you say a comedian gave me a vape pin with it

Speaker 1 and talked me through the experience? Because you're a Tattletale Karen. No.

Speaker 1 Like Lewis.

Speaker 1 Anybody who knows comedians knows that the last person you'd want to talk you through a DMT experience was a comedian.

Speaker 1 It's Heidi.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Now I'm thinking it's Duncan. Yeah, now I'm back thinking about it.

Speaker 1 I swore this was Lewis throwing it to Duncan.

Speaker 1 That's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 Heidi.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's Heidi. It's got to be.
Because

Speaker 1 who would say a comedian gave me a vit talk me through the experience? I don't know. It already happened one time tonight, dude.

Speaker 1 That was my argument for why the getting shot story wasn't Lewis. You think a chick

Speaker 1 like this says things gigantic spaceship? Don't let him deceive you.

Speaker 1 This is such a deep deception he's working on right now.

Speaker 4 He's literally trying to push us into Duncan's.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm convinced. Okay, hold on.

Speaker 1 I'm convinced that Heidi might... actually be some kind of fucking high-level spy based on the way she's fucked everybody up.
So her smoking DMT, DMT, would that surprise anybody at this point?

Speaker 2 I literally died, Duncan. Like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you died?

Speaker 2 I had a near-death experience. I like literally died.

Speaker 1 Is that what they did to you? They just told you that kills you, brought you back to life. You don't remember a lot of your life, and now you're like, you kill people randomly at restaurants?

Speaker 2 He's like, spot on.

Speaker 1 You can't say you literally died. Yeah, you're alive.

Speaker 1 Is she, though?

Speaker 1 She's fucking Jennifer's body.

Speaker 1 This is so hard. It's not me.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 He was wrong on the last one. He was lying on this one.
It's Duncan.

Speaker 4 I feel like Tim's making it.

Speaker 1 I don't care. Pick me.
I don't give a fuck. Let me be the only guy that gets it right.

Speaker 4 Tim's never been aggressive about anything in his life. And right now he turned into...

Speaker 1 I don't know, but the whole night, Tim's been covering ass all sideways. I don't know what the deal is.

Speaker 1 Excited to see my boy.

Speaker 4 I feel like it's too obviously Duncan. I think it's Tim, and he's being weird right now.

Speaker 1 I think so.

Speaker 4 I'm going Tim fucking Butterly.

Speaker 1 Tim is being weird. You want an apology when you're wrong.

Speaker 1 Being weird? Who's being weird, man?

Speaker 1 Tim's.

Speaker 1 No, Jay. Wait, why Lewis?

Speaker 4 Jay, no.

Speaker 4 Jay, don't waste it. Don't waste it.

Speaker 1 You fool. I think you showed your ass in that one.

Speaker 5 Story number three belongs to

Speaker 5 Louis J. Gogaz.

Speaker 1 Hang on, wait.

Speaker 1 For the

Speaker 1 cameras, let me get a moment where she says it and I give you like a fresh prince look. Say it again.
Who belongs to Alex?

Speaker 5 Story number three belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 2 How did you know that?

Speaker 1 Well done.

Speaker 4 Did you know the story?

Speaker 1 I don't know the story, but this is what, like you said,

Speaker 1 when I tried it,

Speaker 1 Three times we thought it was going to start working and they and they left the room. Lewis, Kim Congdon, Congdon, and Christine left the room.
And I would sit there, like, all right, here it goes.

Speaker 1 God, where are you? And then I would hear giggling and see fingers on the outside of the door. And I would just look over and I'd start laughing.

Speaker 1 And they would come in and they'd go, dude, no way you're not in outer space.

Speaker 1 And it just didn't work. Yeah.

Speaker 4 So, all right, I'll tell you what happened here. The first time I did DMT, this is very true.
The comedian that gave it to me was Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 1 That is true.

Speaker 4 And yeah, dude,

Speaker 1 where were you, dude?

Speaker 4 Where were you living? It was when you were in New York. Park Slope.
Park Slope. Yeah, I went over to your house to do your podcast.
And when I trip on hallucinogens, I get very nervous.

Speaker 4 I get very anxious. I got to be with like my closest friends.
I got to be, it's kind of, I have to have a whole night planned out. And we were just about to do a podcast.

Speaker 4 She's like, yeah, I got these pens, but DMT. I was like, that's crazy, dude.
He's like, I can't do it, man.

Speaker 4 And, and I was like, really? He was like, he's like, like, no, it's beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing you're going to ever experience in your life.

Speaker 4 And you just made it sound so nice that I was like, all right, dude, I guess I'll do it. And then I took this vape pen and

Speaker 4 I closed my eyes, dude. And you just like, you sat there and you just like, just were like, hey, I'll just sit here.
I'll make sure you're good, dude. Don't worry, you're good.

Speaker 4 And then I started smoking it and I kept on hitting it. And yeah, dude, I felt like it was in like inside of like bubblegum, but it was an organic spaceship.
And there was aliens.

Speaker 4 There was aliens on the outside of it. And they were tapping on like the bubblegum, going like,

Speaker 4 hello, be my friend. And I was like, oh shit, I want to go with them.
And then I opened my eyes, and you're like, wow, isn't that beautiful? I was like, it's fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 I do not remember that, Duncan.

Speaker 1 How would I remember that?

Speaker 1 He was just sitting in a room.

Speaker 2 It was just another Tuesday.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was 10 minutes of his life just looking at Lewis. Lewis experienced the universe.
Duncan was sitting there like watching clips on

Speaker 1 Instagram.

Speaker 1 That's really cool. And then Lewis went,

Speaker 1 I saw it. I saw the edge.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, dude. That was fun.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 4 Alex, where are our points at?

Speaker 5 All right. In last place with zero points.

Speaker 5 Tim Butterly.

Speaker 5 In fourth place with two points, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 5 Tied for second place with four points each, Big Jay Okerson and Heidi Regina.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 5 And in the lead with five points, Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 If we just watched Lewis walk away with the book of useless information, which can fill your mind with a fountain of absolutely garbage facts, you'll learn that the dot over the letter I is called a title.

Speaker 1 Elephants are the only mammal that can jump, and the oldest known vegetable was the P.

Speaker 1 All information. Hold on, elephants are the only mammal that can't jump.

Speaker 4 Did you say can jump? You said can.

Speaker 1 You don't know that for sure. You did.

Speaker 4 Did he say can?

Speaker 1 He did.

Speaker 1 15 people said yes.

Speaker 1 As people you've previously threatened, I bet.

Speaker 4 Because that was crazy. I was like, elephants cannot jump.

Speaker 1 And other mammals can jump. I can jump.

Speaker 1 I agree with you. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I can jump.

Speaker 1 The book of useless information.

Speaker 4 I can jump.

Speaker 4 Alex, story number four.

Speaker 5 Story number four.

Speaker 5 I had a dream where a girl told me she was pregnant. The next morning, she called me and told me she was pregnant.

Speaker 4 So Duncan is an actual witch?

Speaker 1 Heidi.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, this couldn't be Heidi. Good job, Alex.

Speaker 1 What do you mean couldn't be?

Speaker 4 Wait a minute. Oh, that's it.
It could be Heidi.

Speaker 1 This is just a dream.

Speaker 4 Oh, this is just the hottest dream ever.

Speaker 4 Heidi cream pied inside of a girl.

Speaker 1 Oh, how sad. Hey, the guy that fucked us both and came inside of both of us got me pregnant.

Speaker 1 I dreamt that.

Speaker 1 I thought I felched all that out of you.

Speaker 1 The felch hasn't made this far south yet. Can I break this down? Please.

Speaker 1 This is Heidi. Now, I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 That was my early guess.

Speaker 1 Typically, in dreams,

Speaker 1 you know, pregnancy doesn't really mean pregnancy. Pregnancy is wisdom.
It's some epiphany, some brilliant ideas coming to you.

Speaker 1 And the girl in Heidi's dream, no doubt, was one of the many people she's assassinated.

Speaker 1 Calling

Speaker 1 to say, thank you for assassinating me, because you feel guilty about what. No, I think it was you.
This is clearly a girl dream. It's obviously Heidi.

Speaker 1 By the way, I wasn't thinking Heidi at all.

Speaker 1 All of us are thinking this is like a guy finding out that a girl, like he got a girl pregnant, but this is just a girl having a premonition that her friend's pregnant. He's right.

Speaker 1 I'll follow you straight to hell, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just true.

Speaker 1 What a fancy experience.

Speaker 4 You're right. You're 100% right that it's Heidi.
But not only,

Speaker 4 this story is very much a girl's story, but this also never happened. This is the way women think.
This is just psychotic woman shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you fooled yourself to believe this.

Speaker 4 No, she believes it happened, but this never happened.

Speaker 4 You're not a psychic, Heidi.

Speaker 2 How do you know? Maybe I am.

Speaker 1 Well, Lewis just lured you right on the show in your ass.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, this wouldn't be Heidi. Honey wouldn't be this dumb as fucking shit.

Speaker 1 Here's why it might not be Heidi.

Speaker 1 It might not be Heidi because girls don't think that, like Duncan said,

Speaker 1 pregnancy in a dream means pregnancy. It's usually like a car accident or something that precedes a call about a pregnancy.
pregnancy like a rabbit oh tim girls just want to have fun

Speaker 1 when the working day is done

Speaker 2 i don't know i think it's not her who do you i know it's not me it is not me if you put me you're wrong so let's try to figure out who it is

Speaker 4 oh thank you who's fucking it's heidi she's playing it super aggressively detective olivia benson over here heidi's having a fucking meltdown physically right now look she can't contain herself look at her i can see through the side of her sunglasses.

Speaker 1 She's got Undertaker eyes right now. They're rolling back.

Speaker 1 Heidi, can you just hold your hand out like this for once?

Speaker 1 It's hot.

Speaker 1 It's Heidi.

Speaker 4 Now, Heidi, can you just show your boobs just like this?

Speaker 4 It's not even a big deal.

Speaker 1 We're all gay. Everyone here is gay.

Speaker 1 Barry. I think this calls for the Bush or No Bush test.

Speaker 2 You first J.

Speaker 1 There's only one way to get to the bottom of this, I think. I think.

Speaker 2 You two put me too quickly.

Speaker 1 We all

Speaker 1 know what you think.

Speaker 4 Fuck, dude. Somebody's going to really pull ahead here if it's not Heidi.

Speaker 1 You think it's me?

Speaker 1 This could be this. Yeah, this could be you finding out about James for sure.

Speaker 1 And you're abroad who thinks that your dreams mean something, probably.

Speaker 1 By the way, what happened was you came inside inside of her and I went home going like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck off. That's not what happened.

Speaker 4 I didn't come inside of her. What?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Was she a groupie that gathered your cum in a fucking Hershey's wrapper?

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 4 I came on her vagina, then I put it back in, and I used my...

Speaker 4 I used my...

Speaker 1 Your big fat pick words.

Speaker 1 What it was.

Speaker 4 Heidi, is this hot to you?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're too good for cream pie?

Speaker 4 I came on it, and then I started having sex with her again, and, you know, I kind of pushed it back in.

Speaker 2 That's dangerous. You're living on the edge.

Speaker 4 Heidi's turned on. Look at her.
She's fucking flushed. She loves it.

Speaker 1 Heidi, let's just get out of here.

Speaker 4 Fuck the rest of this game.

Speaker 4 We don't got to even play this game. Let's just go west.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I feel feel like I think it's Heidi too, but if it's not, we're fucking somebody here.

Speaker 1 Yeah?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 4 Heidi's my answer.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 This is Height. Fuck.

Speaker 2 It's 100% not me, so who the fuck is it?

Speaker 1 Help. Who is it? Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 Jay?

Speaker 1 I think this could be Tim.

Speaker 4 Tim was being quiet as fuck in the corner. He voted for Jay without saying

Speaker 1 very quiet.

Speaker 2 He voted for Jay for no reason.

Speaker 1 You voted for no reason. I have my reason for it.
Don't fucking ask me.

Speaker 1 What's up, girl?

Speaker 1 What's up?

Speaker 2 It's either Tim or Duncan.

Speaker 1 Or Tim Duncan.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 It's Jay or Lewis. I think Jay might be right.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm glad I didn't let go

Speaker 1 board. Alex, we're all locked in.

Speaker 5 Wow, everyone. Story number four

Speaker 5 is obviously Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 1 He was on me so quickly. Sorry.
Assassination.

Speaker 1 I clearly don't have.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry to the faceless voice out there that went, Jay. He said, Jay, Duncan, get the points.

Speaker 1 And I said, I got to go with my gut. And he was like, you fucking stupid idiot.
And he was right. He was right and I was wrong.

Speaker 4 God damn it, dude. Oh, dude,

Speaker 4 dreams is a hard subject to figure out. Duncan, who was this girl?

Speaker 1 Wait, is this your wife? No.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 She aborted a baby?

Speaker 1 No, it was.

Speaker 1 I know it sounds like absolute horse shit, but somebody that I had wished it away. What?

Speaker 1 You wished the baby away

Speaker 1 that would sound like bullshit

Speaker 1 when you wish upon a star

Speaker 1 if you're out there listening take this baby far far from here like a bird or a bat I don't give a fuck what it is as long as it gets off this property

Speaker 1 No, no, it wasn't my baby.

Speaker 1 This is somebody that but that I had lived with for a bit and like it was so weird just in the dream She's like I'm pregnant and then that morning called me for the, I haven't talked to her in probably a year and was like, I'm pregnant.

Speaker 1 It was just fucking weird. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Wow. Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So not by you.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Well, that would be a long gestation.

Speaker 4 Alex, halftime. Where are the points at?

Speaker 5 All right. On the scoreboard in last place with zero points.
Tim Butterly.

Speaker 1 Tim Butterly.

Speaker 4 Tim, to this day, by the way,

Speaker 4 nobody to this day has scored zero points in a full game. So, Tim, listen, I know you're losing, but there's a good chance you can be the first person to ever get zero points.

Speaker 4 That's a big deal.

Speaker 1 That's huge.

Speaker 4 You have the most points and the least points in the history of the show.

Speaker 1 This is fucking humiliating, man.

Speaker 5 Tied for third place with four points each. Big Jay Ogerson and Heidi Regina.

Speaker 5 In second place with five points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 5 And in the lead with six points, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 1 Very close game.

Speaker 4 We're at halftime now, so we'll do some plugs real quick. Tim, what are you plugging, my friend?

Speaker 1 Dad me, Tim Boderli Show.

Speaker 1 I make videos called field tripping on YouTube where I go check stuff out and make videos about it. And there's a new one coming out this week.
And

Speaker 1 you want to 100% guarantee it will not stress you out.

Speaker 4 So check that out. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Duncan.

Speaker 1 I want to, you know, instead of doing the normal plug,

Speaker 1 I want to talk to you guys about a book called Dianetics. Now,

Speaker 1 just invite you to check it out, order it.

Speaker 1 There's something that changed my life called Scientology. And I just think that anyone in this audience,

Speaker 1 you can. Have you ever felt sad a little bit? What do you mean? Not since I got into Scientology.
I haven't felt anything.

Speaker 1 That was the questions on the Dianetics commercial. Go, have you ever felt sad ever?

Speaker 1 Do you think sometimes you sometimes have no confidence? Have you ever worried? Yeah, yeah, he goes,

Speaker 1 probably an alien in you. No,

Speaker 1 I have a podcast called the Douglas Trussell Family Hour Podcast. Check it out.
Thank you.

Speaker 4 It's my favorite podcast to guest on. I love it.
You got to come back. I know.
I love you, dude.

Speaker 1 You're my favorite person in the world, dude.

Speaker 1 That was fun, the DMT experience. I remember that.

Speaker 4 That was so fun, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That was fun.
You're the only person that I would have done it with like that I just feel like I should tell you it wasn't DMT

Speaker 1 it was fentanyl

Speaker 1 you actually fell asleep

Speaker 1 no that was that was amazing that was one of my favorite New York moments you got him like hyped up that's what it was like and then he immediately goes I have to share this with my brother Jay and then runs over to my house to do it again yeah you just didn't hold it in long enough I'm telling you, they watched me.

Speaker 1 I did it all. Listen, I know it was effective stuff.
It changed Christine's brain forever, I think. But

Speaker 1 me, I don't know. Let's in New Orleans.
Yeah. Let's

Speaker 4 do

Speaker 4 Duncan Trussell Family Hour live podcast. Big J does DMT on stage for the first time.

Speaker 1 I'll meet God. I bet she'll love me.

Speaker 1 That's That's beautiful, Jay. She will.

Speaker 4 Heidi, what are you plugging?

Speaker 2 HeidiRegina.com and my new podcast, Love on the Line, where we talk all about relationships and love. So if you have an issue or you can't get it up or whatever your problem is,

Speaker 1 we'll walk you through it. We'll get you hard.

Speaker 2 It's sponsored by Blue Chew.

Speaker 1 I'm having a hard time getting hard. Make me hard?

Speaker 1 Hey, Steve from Atlanta. I'm having a hard time getting hard.
Make me hard, huh?

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Kyle. First time, long time.

Speaker 1 I'm soft as shit over here.

Speaker 1 Can you guys do your job?

Speaker 1 Can you

Speaker 1 make me hard?

Speaker 1 That podcast would dominate

Speaker 1 if you guys just took calls and got people hard.

Speaker 1 I think that's what Val's website is for.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 4 Big J, what are you plugging?

Speaker 1 Huh? Oh,

Speaker 1 I was just enjoying the moment.

Speaker 1 Big JComedy.com for all my days. Big Jokerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.
If you get it, you get it.

Speaker 1 All over the place. So

Speaker 1 look for it. I have my double vinyl for them day is available for pre-sale.
It's almost sold out. So

Speaker 1 very fun. You get double vinyl.
You get four downloads of

Speaker 1 the unedited four hours we did out in Denver and digital download of the album and a signed hand-drawn picture that I drew of a penis holding a gun

Speaker 1 and has shoes. He's also wearing shoes.

Speaker 1 Of course, listen to the Bonfire Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly five days a week.

Speaker 1 And the flagship show over here, Legion of Skanks, or fucking Gas Digital, the Legion of Skanks.

Speaker 4 Come see me on the road. Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com.
Couple live dates coming up. We're going to be the night before Thanksgiving, we're doing Story Wars Live in Philadelphia.

Speaker 4 Two shows, they will sell out. Get those tickets.
Gonna be crazy lineups. So come out to those shows.
Then I got a bunch of stuff coming up on the road. In December, I'm in Nashville at Zaney's.

Speaker 4 New Year's Eve, me and Zach Amiko are going to be in Columbus, Ohio at the Comedy Attic doing a couple shows, stand-up, and then a live podcast, Real S Podcast Reunion.

Speaker 4 And yeah, a lot of other stuff coming up. Go to my website.
Skank Fest, Friday and Sunday passes. You guys can get them.
I think this might come out before then.

Speaker 4 But yeah, pre-order my book. Check out Legion of Skanks.
Check out The Regs.

Speaker 4 And subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, we do an uncensored version of this show.
It's ad-free.

Speaker 4 You get the On Demand Library, a bunch of episodes that aren't available on YouTube or anywhere else. Go to gasdigital.com and use that promo code WAR or WARS and save a couple bucks a month.

Speaker 4 I think both work. So, yeah, support live comedy the way it's intended to be

Speaker 4 supported.

Speaker 1 Go to Gast Digital Community.com.

Speaker 1 Going to Black Comedy Club. Yes.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Tim,

Speaker 1 I bet right now you're feeling like

Speaker 1 another night that my kids got to go to sleep without daddy being home.

Speaker 1 And for what? Zero points?

Speaker 1 Oh my god!

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 But do not get down, my man, because this game is far from over, and you know that. I paid $35 for parking

Speaker 1 for fucking zero points, dude.

Speaker 1 Baby, but that zero can turn around so quick because you know for the final stories, we go double points.

Speaker 1 I'm working on vape tricks. I'm always seven years behind something cool.

Speaker 1 How exciting? It's so, so fucking exciting. Which means simply, if you fool somebody as before, you got one point.
If you got the right story, you got two points. That now goes to double points.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Roots, Roots. The roots are in the back root, by the way.
Black thought, everybody. Roots, roots, roots, roots, roots, roots, roots, roots, roots, roots, roots.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bruce Springsteen's sitting in with him tonight. What's up, boss?

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Story number five.

Speaker 5 Story number five.

Speaker 5 I have a recurring dream of walking into a bathroom that always ends with pissing the bed in real life.

Speaker 5 It only happens at other people's houses,

Speaker 5 including one professional athlete's home.

Speaker 4 Heidi, you're the only person who would be at a professional athlete's home.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 1 You think me?

Speaker 1 What professional athlete's house was I at?

Speaker 1 I sneak in the fucking Michael Vick's apartment.

Speaker 1 I wish, oh, you'd have heard my story.

Speaker 1 Me?

Speaker 1 Remember that time I pissed myself in Ron Jaworski's house?

Speaker 4 Professional athlete's home is crazy.

Speaker 1 It's, I mean, are we all we're all trying to find a way way around not just all saying heidi

Speaker 1 pissing yourself is for girls

Speaker 4 no here's the other thing is i feel like pissing yourself is for dudes yes

Speaker 1 thank you girls are always kind of peeing it's crazy yeah 24 hours a day women are kind of pissing i don't feel like heidi's admitting that she's pissing the bed regularly pissing the bed like a retard no

Speaker 1 you're right every laugh she's had for sure right now heidi's underwear has a decent amount of piss on it.

Speaker 1 It's not like dripping with piss,

Speaker 1 but it's damp. It's damp piss.

Speaker 2 Are you guys talking about your own dreams right now?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, we're talking about your mildly damp underwear

Speaker 1 from piss because we've made you laugh piss a little.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's right, Heidi. I'm the only creepy comedian.

Speaker 2 Jay's giving you a run for your money right now.

Speaker 1 Why, because you definitely have piss in your pants.

Speaker 1 That's me being a creep. I didn't ask you to give them to me.
Heidi, Peter Pants.

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 2 You guys are all going to put me in all be wrong again.

Speaker 1 It's Tim.

Speaker 1 Fucking pissy pants, Lewis?

Speaker 4 I mean, look, I will say that there's something about it. Tim also has pissed my bed once a year, energy.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, wait, wait. Stop the presses.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Heidi, Heidi, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 No, stop. I thought I was saying it's you.

Speaker 1 Okay, Lewis, you would train and spent the night at fucking Michael Bisbing's house. That's true.
Oh, my God. That is true.

Speaker 1 That's true. Oh, no.

Speaker 4 That is true.

Speaker 1 We can't withdraw the sign. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 With that information, vote whoever you want, Heidi, but I'm giving you the possible chance to Lewis, and he's not voted yet. Lewis,

Speaker 1 I'm a little skeptical. Spent the fucking night.

Speaker 4 You're wasting your vote on me.

Speaker 2 Tim put his up really quick, and he put me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I forgot about the bisping thing. Sorry.

Speaker 1 I feel kind of a fool now, but that's okay.

Speaker 4 No, but Tim has also been training

Speaker 4 mixed martial arts for years and years and years.

Speaker 4 There could be a professional athlete in his circle. What?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who? No. Tommy the Gun Morrison from Rocky Five.
Do it, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's someone who sleeps at other people's houses. I never sleep at anybody else's house.
Definitely not me.

Speaker 1 Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Is that true?

Speaker 1 Luka Doncic says, stay over, you stay over.

Speaker 2 I do follow directions well.

Speaker 2 But I think it's Tim. Shut up.
I think it's Tim Arlene.

Speaker 1 I'm joking.

Speaker 1 As she looked over, I immediately got, I felt bad.

Speaker 1 I agree with Heidi.

Speaker 4 I'm going Tim

Speaker 1 Butterly.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you.

Speaker 2 I'm going Tim. I think it's Tim.

Speaker 4 Good job, Heidi.

Speaker 1 I hope you feel hurt by Lewis, what he just did to you.

Speaker 2 I don't agree with you. I just think it's Tim.

Speaker 4 Good job. I think Heidi's got good intuition here.
Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 5 Story number five belongs to

Speaker 5 Tim Butterly.

Speaker 2 I told you guys it fucking wasn't nice.

Speaker 4 Stop trying to steer people in the wrong direction.

Speaker 1 I already voted.

Speaker 4 Tim,

Speaker 1 what athlete was this?

Speaker 1 It was actually professional skateboarder Chris Cole, and he does not know this story.

Speaker 1 So you piece. He's finding out as he's watching this.

Speaker 1 Also, did not know him at the time, friend of a friend.

Speaker 1 And we were crashing at his house when we were passing through town.

Speaker 1 And this is just the thing that happens to me when I don't sleep in my own bed sometimes. And it's like, I don't even think it's like worth making fun of, really.

Speaker 1 It's just like, look, we're all adults. Like, we know that stuff like that happens, and there's no reason to make it like a thing or anything.
Dude, one of my kids is potty training right now.

Speaker 1 Accidents happen, man. You deserve the same thing.

Speaker 1 I'm still a big boy, obviously. You're a big boy.
A big boy duh.

Speaker 4 How often are you having a dream that you're

Speaker 4 how often are you having a dream where it ends with you pissing him?

Speaker 1 I would say lifetime in nights that I've slept away from home, maybe

Speaker 1 15% of the time.

Speaker 1 That's a high percentage. Wow.
Like when you were like 13. Hotels, dude, hotels, and it's not like a full piss.

Speaker 1 On the road on the hotel. On the road, it's not a full piss, okay? Now you get into bed to piss.

Speaker 1 It's not a full piss.

Speaker 1 Relax. Well, the worst.

Speaker 1 You piss the bed on the road one out of every six times,

Speaker 1 twice a month that you piss in the bed. Now, that sounds like more.
That should affect your fucking Marriott points.

Speaker 1 That should affect your Hilton honors, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm getting the same free that this guy is getting. He's fucking whistling over the sheets.

Speaker 1 It's not a full piss. The worst part of the dream is realizing, oh, now I'm dreaming.
And then my eyes shoot open, and I'm pissing a little bit. And then you squeeze it off, and it hurts so bad, dude.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the...

Speaker 1 I haven't figured out the least painful way to squeeze off a piss, but it does not involve your hands.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No how.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you, in the dream, is the bathroom always the same?

Speaker 1 I would say it's so nondescript that I don't question anything about it. The light hurts my eyes, it feels real.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 And I go, Whew, thank God I made it

Speaker 1 to this harsh, harsh lighting. Yeah, it's hard.
Like, I can't even look directly at anything because the light's hurting my eyes so bad. I go, Let's just piss and get back to bed.
Okay, last question:

Speaker 1 when you piss the bed,

Speaker 1 what does the piss taste like?

Speaker 1 Well, uh we have to go to my wife in the balcony

Speaker 1 let's throw it to mj real quick

Speaker 4 five stories down alex where are our points at

Speaker 1 all right

Speaker 5 tied for last place with four points each big jay okerson and tim butterly

Speaker 4 suck balls now tim has to go for the win there's no there's no glory in coming in last place if if you don't have zero points.

Speaker 1 No, then you're just me usually.

Speaker 4 Alex.

Speaker 5 In third place with six points, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 5 In second place with eight points, Heidi Regina.

Speaker 5 And in the lead with nine points, Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 4 I feel like I'm losing the audience. I feel they hate it.

Speaker 1 They hate me winning.

Speaker 4 Austin hates me winning.

Speaker 1 I'm still in this game.

Speaker 2 Your win percentage is the same as Tim's what the bed percentage.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He's won 10% of all the streams.

Speaker 1 And Jay, there's nothing embarrassing about that, man. It's normal.
It's totally normal.

Speaker 4 You pissing the bed every other weekend is hilarious.

Speaker 1 Obviously, my math is off. It's not that often, but it happens.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you sleep naked in case?

Speaker 1 Do I?

Speaker 1 Oh, do I. No, I it actually helps having some material to catch a little bit of the piss.
What?

Speaker 1 It helps in what way? Heidi, do you sleep naked? We're all obsessing this question.

Speaker 4 We're going around the board.

Speaker 2 I do sleep naked, but I never wet the bed in that sort of a way.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm not cool like you, Heidi.

Speaker 4 Wait a minute. In what sort of way do you wet the bed?

Speaker 2 Not in the pee sort of way.

Speaker 1 Oh, and like

Speaker 1 queefing out cream pies?

Speaker 4 Are you squirting? Are you squirting all over your bed? What are you saying, Heidi?

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm going to save it for Skank Fest.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I can answer this.

Speaker 1 She's going to shit on the floor like Ari last year.

Speaker 1 Never. Ari's out of the country, so.

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Speaker 1 All right, where were we?

Speaker 4 Alex, story number six.

Speaker 5 Story number six:

Speaker 5 I've had anal sex on the Carnival Dream Cruise Ship

Speaker 1 Heidi.

Speaker 1 Damn it.

Speaker 1 Oh, Heidi.

Speaker 1 St. Anthony, if you're listening.

Speaker 1 That's the saying of anal.

Speaker 4 Big Ju has done a lot of cruises.

Speaker 1 Just this past summer, we were both on the Carnival Dream together. Whoa.

Speaker 1 And you both heard anal sex on the ship. I know I did not have anal sex on the Carnival Dream cruise ship.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that was

Speaker 1 that was you and your wife, me and Mike Finoya.

Speaker 1 You think I had anal sex with Mike Finoya?

Speaker 1 I will say that while POD was in the air.

Speaker 1 It was a heavy metal cruise. We walked around, it was the hard rock cruise ship, and I was walking around with Jay, and people were offering him anal in like the breakfast line.

Speaker 1 He was the king of hard rock cruise.

Speaker 1 I can't argue this. I look, I'm not telling anyone else how to vote, but like,

Speaker 1 I gotta go. Like,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna trust my own eyes on this one.

Speaker 4 Jay, is that the only time you're ever on the

Speaker 1 Carnival Dream?

Speaker 4 No, you've been on it before.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me say this. This is what I think we all know.
Jay, you have had anal sex on the Carnival Cruise Line.

Speaker 1 Wait, 100% you have.

Speaker 1 You definitely have.

Speaker 1 So, why would you dream about it?

Speaker 1 So, it's not you. So, I think you, I think it's not you.
They're not saying it's a dream.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're not saying it's a dream.

Speaker 1 It's in the dreams because

Speaker 1 this is real life that he had anal sex from the carnival dream. Oh, it's Jay.
I actually saw you. It's definitely fucking Jay.

Speaker 1 It's Jay.

Speaker 1 But wait,

Speaker 1 you just said you were on the fucking carnival cruise. with and it with

Speaker 1 his wife

Speaker 1 oh shit Eddie threw my name down super fast babe tell him

Speaker 1 Seriously

Speaker 2 I think she's innocent

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think

Speaker 1 it's 10. It's got to be I think

Speaker 1 by the way Lewis has done the heavy metal cruise shift with that's a that's it that's anal sex

Speaker 4 That's anal sex in case anybody doesn't know.

Speaker 1 Right there.

Speaker 1 Have you gone on the carnival cruise? I don't think I've ever been on that one, the carnival dream.

Speaker 4 I don't think so.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you don't think? I've been on a carnival. You've been on so many cruises you don't remember.
I've been on three or four cruises. I don't remember which one.
Three or four.

Speaker 1 You would remember if you've been on that cruise.

Speaker 4 Duncan, fuck you. It was you, dude.

Speaker 1 I've never been on a cruise. I've been sodomized many a time.

Speaker 1 My first instinct was Heidi.

Speaker 2 I've never had anal.

Speaker 1 Never?

Speaker 1 Tonight could be my first night. Come on.

Speaker 4 She's saving it for Skank Fest.

Speaker 2 And I've never been on a cruise.

Speaker 1 Heidi, I'll let you peg me if we'll

Speaker 2 Speechless

Speaker 2 Period end of sentence you'll let me peg you if one that's it.

Speaker 4 That's all on a cruise I was gonna say

Speaker 4 I just turned into porky pig

Speaker 4 Tim Butterly goes for Big J

Speaker 4 Duncan says Gomez Heidi says big J

Speaker 4 Big J says Tim

Speaker 4 I say

Speaker 4 Big J. I can't believe everyone didn't vote for Big J.
That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 5 Story number six belongs to

Speaker 5 Big Jay Oaks.

Speaker 1 Do you forget I was there or something?

Speaker 1 I had the fucking time of my life hanging out with Big Jay for an entire week on a cruise ship, and I think you forgot I was there.

Speaker 4 Jay, whose ass did you fuck?

Speaker 1 I mean. On the carnival dream.
Pretty much the story. Butt fuck the chicken the carnival dream.
Alex, what are our points after six?

Speaker 1 Used enough spit?

Speaker 4 There's got to be more to this.

Speaker 1 There's no chance it was the lady that got forcibly removed from the hot tub for showing everyone her butthole, wasn't it?

Speaker 2 This is probably exactly who it was.

Speaker 1 This wasn't on this year's cruise. Jesus, many a years ago.

Speaker 1 Many a year ago. Many a year.
So long as it wasn't my princess starfish.

Speaker 1 Now there's not much more to the story. We butt-fucked.

Speaker 1 We were having sex in the pussy

Speaker 1 and then decided to do it in the ass.

Speaker 1 Her ass. You should write a book, man.

Speaker 1 Was it her idea?

Speaker 4 Was it your idea?

Speaker 1 It's just possible.

Speaker 4 This is what happens very often. You put a finger in and the finger goes in way too easily.
You're like, oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Way too easily.

Speaker 4 All right, I know what you need.

Speaker 4 Was it one of those situations?

Speaker 1 I don't remember that. I just remember.

Speaker 1 I remember after it, I was like.

Speaker 1 Is the memory painful for you? Why are you recalling it? It's like traumatizing. What the fuck? What's happening right now?

Speaker 1 She was not gentle.

Speaker 1 It's not that much of a story. We were fucking, and then we were like, we should try, we should butt-fuck a little.
And she was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then we did for a little bit. And then when it was over, I cleaned my dickhole out, and I was like,

Speaker 1 we just butt-fucked on the ocean.

Speaker 1 This is beautiful.

Speaker 1 And then we ordered, and then we ordered late-night.

Speaker 1 You can order late-night pizza on a cruise ship.

Speaker 1 I swear, it's like hearing Charles Bukowski

Speaker 1 Charles Bukaki.

Speaker 1 Alex, where are points at?

Speaker 5 All right. On the scoreboard, tied for last place with six points each.
Big Jay Okerson and Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 5 In third place with eight points, Tim Butterly. Let's go!

Speaker 5 Yes!

Speaker 1 Let's fucking go.

Speaker 5 In second place with 12 points, Heidi Regina.

Speaker 5 And in the lead with 13 points, Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 4 That's right, Heidi. One point.

Speaker 4 I'll give you two of my points if you make out with me right now.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Two whole points.

Speaker 2 Three?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll get you. Double points.

Speaker 1 Six.

Speaker 1 I'll give you all six of mine if you squirt.

Speaker 1 I mean, goes down the front row like Gallagher.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure you're not going to win. I think I'm okay on that.

Speaker 1 Like a Guar concert. I'll squeeze you.
And then you buck it like, worship the Satan's cunts from hell, Mars.

Speaker 1 I don't know Guar's music. All right.

Speaker 4 The law for Standside if you want two points at any point.

Speaker 4 Alex, story number seven.

Speaker 5 Story number seven.

Speaker 5 I had a terrifying dream in New Orleans that turned out to be an encounter with the ghost of a murderer.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is another, this is somebody writing this sound like Duncan.

Speaker 2 You guys don't use the word encounter, so I think it's Duncan.

Speaker 1 I have no, I don't believe in ghosts at all. Listen, here's the thing.
This is why I think it's one of you two.

Speaker 1 This is the most shameless plug for your festival.

Speaker 1 This is some kind of marketing bullshit here.

Speaker 1 It's definitely Lewis Gomez.

Speaker 1 I had a dream that I fucked eight virgins in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 I sure hope it's not a premonition.

Speaker 1 This could be Lewis shamelessly plugging.

Speaker 1 It's clunky how New Orleans is crowbarred into that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had a terrifying dream in New Orleans. What is it, the beginning of a fucking Warren's Yvonne song?

Speaker 1 I helped have Andrew down New Orleans. But

Speaker 1 the way you're joking about it makes me think it's you. It's one of you two, Fortnite.
I got the gift to gab i'll just talk about whatever man

Speaker 1 i don't know uh how often jay's been to new orleans once on fully loaded tour and i didn't talk to a ghost of a murderer

Speaker 1 you know for sure i don't believe any of this is jay doesn't believe in no ghosts i fuck the ghost of a murderer in the ass that's more like it On a cruise ship, maybe.

Speaker 1 Out in maritime land.

Speaker 4 But this is a womanly type thing. So, Heidi, you've been to New Orleans, I'm assuming, right?

Speaker 1 I have, yes. Multiple times?

Speaker 2 Yes, a few.

Speaker 4 You love New Orleans?

Speaker 1 I love New Orleans.

Speaker 4 Women believe in horseshoe

Speaker 1 shit. I love ghosts.

Speaker 4 Women believe in all this horse shit.

Speaker 4 She believes that she spoke with the ghosts of a murderer.

Speaker 1 Chakras, energies, all that nonsense. This is, yeah.

Speaker 4 Men don't believe this. Like, I know Duncan's a weirdo and is a Satanist and all that other stuff, but

Speaker 1 at the core of it, why don't you just say the offer code, Gomez? Is there an offer code attached to this shit?

Speaker 1 Just say the offer code.

Speaker 1 If you say Story Wars, though, you won't get 15% off single-day passes.

Speaker 4 No, this is a woman's story, unquestionably.

Speaker 1 It's not mine.

Speaker 4 Heidi, it's definitely yours. In fact, when it hasn't been yours, you've had this like very confident thing where you were like, this is not mine.
Fucking vote for me, whatever you think.

Speaker 4 And now you're getting like very shy and bashful.

Speaker 1 When it is yours, your feathers start to shiver.

Speaker 1 No, Duncan.

Speaker 4 Duncan, you wasted your vote.

Speaker 1 For sure. I love you, but you're

Speaker 1 cool. No, I got you.
I trust you. You're so good at this.
Duncan. You play mind games.

Speaker 1 But the story can't be a lie. What murder? And Lewis would never believe that he was in an encounter with it.
He doesn't believe that shit. He doesn't believe in ghosts.
Oh, but alien cocoon?

Speaker 1 No, no, he felt like that. No, I knew that.
Because

Speaker 1 you were rubbing his his head.

Speaker 4 I knew it wasn't an alien cocoon band.

Speaker 1 I vote.

Speaker 1 I'm right.

Speaker 1 This is.

Speaker 1 Have you been to New Orleans a bunch, Tim? One time.

Speaker 4 You want to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you're not a fucking ghost nerd either. You want to.
This was a girl thing. You want to see, guys, real quick, you want to hear an impression of Big J talking to a ghost?

Speaker 1 So, what do you do for a dying?

Speaker 1 You ever haunted a black guy?

Speaker 1 It's Duncan, by the way.

Speaker 4 Heidi is my answer. Big J agrees.
Heidi hasn't voted yet. She waited till the end.
She knows it's her.

Speaker 2 I need more information. Duncan, have you been to New Orleans? Yes.
How many times?

Speaker 1 I don't know, a couple hundred. Out of those hundred.

Speaker 1 Are you into a murder stories? I think it's done.

Speaker 1 I just don't think the verbiage belongs to these two.

Speaker 1 We don't believe in ghosts.

Speaker 2 Or big vocabulary words. I think it's dunking.

Speaker 2 Encounter, terrifying.

Speaker 1 Do you think those are hard words? That's just saying it's not you.

Speaker 1 Peace. What's this?

Speaker 1 Crazy word like terrifying.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 4 Alex, all of our answers are in. Seven stories down.
Whose story was it? All right.

Speaker 5 Story number seven belongs to Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Well, fuck me running.

Speaker 1 Alex, run me my points real quick. Me too.

Speaker 4 So, Duncan, what happened here? You spoke to a ghost?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 this is honestly the only thing that makes me think ghosts might be real, which is I had this terrifying dream where, like, it was so fucked up. Like, and I never write down dreams.
I wrote it down.

Speaker 1 I'm in, I'm in Antarctica.

Speaker 1 I'm like in a tent in Antarctica, and

Speaker 1 like a body bag. falls out of the sky in Antarctica.
I go unzip the body bag. There's this fucking dude in it.
Now,

Speaker 1 this is the weirdest part. The dude kind of looks like Pete Holmes.

Speaker 1 In his pocket is a

Speaker 1 love note. It could have been the ghost of John Ritter.

Speaker 1 There's a note in this dude's pocket, which is like written to my girlfriend who I was there with. And I'm so mad at this ghost.
You know, it's dream logic. I like,

Speaker 1 I bounce the ghost out of Antarctica. Like, I push him out of Antarctica.
Anyway, the next night at the bar, this is the Ritz in New Orleans. I'm like,

Speaker 1 you guys have any ghosts here? And the bartender's like, you want to hear the ghost story we're not supposed to talk about? I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, a dude

Speaker 1 fucking butchered his girlfriend, like put her body parts in a freezer and then jumped off the Ritz and had a suicide note in his pocket. No.

Speaker 1 And I looked him up, dude, and it looks a little bit like Pete Holmes. You can look it up.
It's fucking weird, man. It's like, I don't know, is the human brain like a player piano? It just uses like

Speaker 1 what it's got, you know, whatever printer ink is in your brain, that's what it uses. So the closest my brain could get to it was Pete Holmes, you know?

Speaker 1 But yeah, I don't know. It's really fucking weird.
That actually happened to me. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 That's psychotic.

Speaker 1 It's weird. I've never

Speaker 1 I've never dreamt that vivid ever anything.

Speaker 1 If I'm like, I had a dream yesterday, what was it? I goes, I think my ex-girlfriend was there. We like fucked and fought.

Speaker 1 I think I was flying or something, and I fell.

Speaker 4 Alex, seven stories down. Where are our points at?

Speaker 5 All right. In last place with six points.
Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 I had fun with you guys. I had fun.

Speaker 5 In fourth place with ten points, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 5 In third place with 12 points, Tim Butterly.

Speaker 5 In second place with 13 points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 5 And in the lead with 16 points,

Speaker 5 Heidi Regina.

Speaker 2 I don't need your points, Louis.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. If she wins, we all look like simps who let it happen.
Fuck. Hey, did you have fun at the game? It was pretty cool you won.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 we were were all sort of rooting for you.

Speaker 4 We have one more story. You guys ready for your final story? Come on.

Speaker 1 Everyone is so hyped up to bring home the book of useless information, which offers zero knowledge of any substance to the reader.

Speaker 1 The book reveals that Americans spend more on cat food than baby food annually. Prince William and Harry are uncircumcised.
And that the hula hoop was the biggest selling toy in 1957.

Speaker 1 All information you really don't need to know.

Speaker 1 It can all go home with you if you win.

Speaker 1 Alex,

Speaker 1 story number eight.

Speaker 5 Story number eight.

Speaker 5 I have a recurring dream where I'm in a convoluted maze-type home on a cliff. All the bathrooms are overflowing with shit.

Speaker 1 This could be anybody.

Speaker 1 This is Tim.

Speaker 1 I think this is our shit. This is Tim or Duncan.

Speaker 1 It's not me. It's Tim, and I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 Tim, something fucked up happened to you in a bathroom. For sure.

Speaker 1 this this is related to the bathroom incident that happened to you where now you're having accidents and

Speaker 1 the overflowing with shit thing just makes me think that your parents were weird when you took one of your first shits

Speaker 1 it's Tim

Speaker 4 I'm also getting big J vibes on this I'm getting big J vibes I feel like this is like some sort of thing in his head where he's like, I'm fucking, you know, I can't get out of this fucking thing that smells like shit.

Speaker 4 It's the relationship with me.

Speaker 1 It's fucking.

Speaker 4 I don't know, dude. I don't know.
I feel like Jay has, he's got some darkness in him. This is a dark dream.

Speaker 1 But also, Jay did just say, I don't have, you know, my dreams, just whatever. I fight with my girlfriend because he knew this insane MC Esher fucked up shit dream that he has was coming.

Speaker 1 So it was some kind of faint or something. That's possible, too.
Yeah, dreams are stupid. They don't even mean anything.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I've ever had a recurring dream in my life. I would also say I don't know if I've ever dreamed the same thing twice that I can remember.
By the way, is reoccurring a word?

Speaker 1 I thought it was recurring.

Speaker 1 That is a fucking suit, dude.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something, Louis?

Speaker 1 I think that probably rules out Duncan.

Speaker 1 Heidi's still on the board.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Heidi, you're not going to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 Because I'm ready to argue this word.

Speaker 1 Heidi, have you ever lived in a maze-type home on a cliff?

Speaker 2 I have not. No.

Speaker 1 Also, based on what she thought were impossible words on the last one, I don't think think she used convoluted. That's how I feel also.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I didn't want to say that part out loud, but I was feeling the same way.

Speaker 2 What are you guys trying to fucking say right now?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you later.

Speaker 1 Say it.

Speaker 1 Convoluted, maze type.

Speaker 1 Hyphenated maze type.

Speaker 1 It's Tim.

Speaker 4 Overflowing with shit. That's some J language.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, dude, that would be

Speaker 1 some better synonyms. It's got to be Tim.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm going to get the voting going. Go on.
Pay J. Okerson has my vote.

Speaker 1 Ooh, it's Lewis for sure then.

Speaker 1 It's not me. This is a dumb thing for it to be, to think it would be me.

Speaker 1 I don't have a recurring dream.

Speaker 4 I have a recurring dream that my teeth are crumbling out of my mouth all the time. A lot of people have that one.

Speaker 1 You know who else had that dream? Who? Martin Luther King, right before he got shot.

Speaker 1 He has premonition type dreams. That's so weird.

Speaker 4 We got a few votes for Lewis. You guys are idiots.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got a fucking, I'm out of the game anyway, but let me say this is going to be, I could play, giant killer for sure.

Speaker 1 I think this is Lewis.

Speaker 1 The crowd agrees silently.

Speaker 4 It's definitely Big J.

Speaker 4 I know a Big J story if I've ever seen one.

Speaker 1 You're still selling hard right now, or you're about to be.

Speaker 4 You don't need to.

Speaker 1 It's already where the all the votes are in.

Speaker 5 All the votes are in.

Speaker 4 Alex, tell me how it's Big J.

Speaker 5 The final story, story number eight, belongs to

Speaker 1 Heidi Regino.

Speaker 1 That was my most J-like dream I could ever imagine.

Speaker 1 She was like, I know what con balloon means, you fucking faggots.

Speaker 1 You fucking faggots. You all thought I pissed my pants and

Speaker 1 thought you were a non-convoluted nerd knowing pissy pants idiot.

Speaker 1 You fucked us hard. You fucked us right hard.
Wow.

Speaker 4 So you have this dream all the time.

Speaker 2 Yes. Oh my gosh, it's been happening for like 25 years.

Speaker 2 So this house is like and the bathrooms are always like non- none of them are working and the doors that go to the bathroom are not tall enough so everybody can see you taking a shit.

Speaker 2 And so I can never find a bathroom. And so I just keep walking around, but yeah, they're like overflowing, especially on the lowest level.
It's really, really bad.

Speaker 1 It's horrifying.

Speaker 2 It's a nightmare. It's not just, but yeah, this house is like on a cliff on the bottom of a hill.
Same exact house every single time.

Speaker 1 Wow. It's wild.
That's your dystopian future. I sure hope not.

Speaker 4 It's scary. That guy just came.

Speaker 1 He finished.

Speaker 4 Alex, give us our final scores. I think I know who won, but holy shit, what a game.
What a game. You guys had fun tonight.

Speaker 4 While they're tabulating the scores.

Speaker 4 What a fun show.

Speaker 4 The book of useless information on the line. Final scores, Alex.

Speaker 5 In very last place, with a single-digit score of only six points,

Speaker 5 Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm here all weekend at the mothership.

Speaker 5 In fourth place, with 10 points, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 5 In third place with 12 points, Tim Butterly.

Speaker 5 Second place scored 13 points. And your winner tonight with 24 points, Heidi Regina.

Speaker 4 Wow, Heidi Regina, you become officially a story warrior tonight.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Does this mean I can come to Skank Fest?

Speaker 4 Yeah, please. We want you at Skank Fest.

Speaker 1 Are you kidding me? We love you.

Speaker 1 If you need to listen to me, I have a suite at the Sinesta.

Speaker 4 I mean, it doesn't have been a big deal. Like, if you want to stay there, it's not even like, like, whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's perfectly, that sounds great.

Speaker 1 It's whatever, whatever.

Speaker 2 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 1 Double points.

Speaker 1 You have officially been treated better than Kiltoni has ever treated you.

Speaker 2 Thank you, guys. You let me speak so much more.

Speaker 1 How about congratulations to our newest story warrior, Heidi, everybody. Heidi Regina.

Speaker 1 A big round of applause for our whole panel, the great Tim Butterly,

Speaker 1 the great Duncan Trussell,

Speaker 1 newest story warrior, Heidi Regina.

Speaker 1 Thank you guys so much for hanging out here with us at Story Wars Austin. It's been fucking great.
We'll come back and do it again real soon. I'm Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 4 I'm Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1 Until next time, everybody, peace.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.