066. Shane Torres, Sienna Hubert-Ross, Ralph Sutton | Sex, Drugs, & Rock & Roll

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Speaker 1 hey story warriors before we start the show i want to let you know that we have some brand new merch at storywars merch.com the website's up and running and everything is in stock including the logo shirt the story warriors uh shirt and of course our very very popular double point shirt yeah

Speaker 1 We got some more hoodies coming soon to get ready for the fall. Do not forget we're doing a special meet and greet at Skank Fest exclusively for fans who come in their official merch.
So do not delay.

Speaker 1 Head on over to storywarsmerch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love.

Speaker 1 What's going on, Story Warriors? If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45 p.m.

Speaker 1 to be a part of the show. Don't be a piece of shit, just get your tickets and come.
It's fun, Buckface. New York Comedy Club.com.

Speaker 1 Fill her up.

Speaker 1 You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars

Speaker 1 with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Come.

Speaker 1 That's good energy. What is up, New York City? Welcome to Story Wars.

Speaker 1 That's a good crowd. Another sold-out show here at the New York Comedy Club.
We record every Wednesday night. If you guys want to get in, get those tickets early because we do sell out every week.

Speaker 1 We always ask this of our crowds here, our sold-out capacity crowds. Who here is familiar with the game Story Wars?

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 And who is not familiar with Story Wars?

Speaker 1 A lot of people tonight. That's a lot.
A lot more than usual. Well, if you guys want to get a refund, now's the time because we don't do it after the show.
No, this is our friendly show. They're fine.

Speaker 1 That is true. We also have the organizer of the Riyadh Comedy Festival came tonight, which is pretty sick, dude.
Thank you for being here tonight. You guys are the best.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 You guys are doing.

Speaker 1 What's up, Your Highness?

Speaker 1 It's the Prince of Saudi Arabia right there, guys. Thank you, Your Highness.
What's up, dude? He gave us $3 million to do this show tonight.

Speaker 1 So fuck you guys if you're mad at me.

Speaker 1 We do. For the first timers here, we will explain the show momentarily once we get our amazing, amazing lineup in here.

Speaker 1 Our first guest tonight, you know, I'm from the Desperate and Celebrating Tour happening right now. You can get tickets at punchup.live.
How about it for the hilarious Shane Torres in the house?

Speaker 1 Shane, first time on Story Wars. Very happy to have you here.
Yeah, thanks, man. Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah, I'm excited to be here. It's going to be a fun show.
Hopefully, you win.

Speaker 1 Our next competitor tonight is a returning Story Wars competitor. You know her from her appearance in the movie Terrifier 3.
Hilarious comedian going viral all over the place.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Sienna, Hubert, Ross. Come on.

Speaker 1 Terrifier Greek. She was in.
Terrifier Greek. She was in.
Terrifier Greek.

Speaker 1 Wow. Shane, you've never looked grosser.
I know.

Speaker 1 Not a lot of people look good next to something this proud.

Speaker 1 If I saw you two late night at a bar, I'd go for you, Shane, because you'll say yes.

Speaker 1 Shane's more attainable.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to sit there and wrestle around and listen to Sienna's hopes and dreams all night. I'm just going to grab your hand and be like, let's go.
I got snacks in a bed.

Speaker 1 The flaming hot Cheeto fuck now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Last but not least, our final contestant joining us on the stage. He is one of the co-owners with this lunk at Gas Digital Network and one of the hosts of the SDR show.

Speaker 1 How about it for my old work husband, the great Ralph Sutton in the house?

Speaker 1 Ralph knows, old rock stars. Ralph knows older rock stars.
Ralph's friends. This is like a beautiful sandwich on old rotten bread.

Speaker 1 Just so you know, I know Ralph, and Ralph thinks he can get her. Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 Sienna?

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 Sienna is somewhat damaged if you've ever seen her videos on Instagram.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's right. She is damaged.

Speaker 1 For those of you first time here,

Speaker 1 and those of you listening at home for the very first time, Story Awards is a very, very simple game.

Speaker 1 Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Lewis? Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 That's also how we describe the panel: sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Speaker 1 Which one am I? Your rock and roll. Oh, okay.
Oh, I know. And you're pure sex, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If I'm drugs, it's just antidepressants. So it's yeah.

Speaker 1 Sex, Zoloft, and rock and roll. Yeah.
Yeah. That was the Bobby Kelly vehicle, right?

Speaker 1 Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read those stories off one at a time, eight of them, in fact. And if it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

Speaker 1 It is your job to make everybody think it is not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.
And every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points.

Speaker 1 And for every person you fool, when it is your story, you get one point. So if it's your story, you have the opportunity to get four points.
Those are huge opportunities when it is your story.

Speaker 1 Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in this little slot right here and remove your hand. That's it.
That's your final answer. You cannot change it.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you right now, you guys are about to have the most fun you've ever had on a podcast, but we don't play for fun, folks.

Speaker 1 Jay, let them know what we're playing for.

Speaker 1 Fuck fun.

Speaker 1 Every week here on Story Wars, we are playing playing for a book from the Story Wars library. Jesus.

Speaker 1 Tonight's winner takes home Sing You Home by Jodie Picolt.

Speaker 1 That's one of my favorite authors, actually.

Speaker 1 What if we've already read it?

Speaker 1 Well, if you haven't, Sing You Home follows Zoe Baxter, a music therapist who has spent 10 years trying to have a baby.

Speaker 1 After her marriage falls apart, she's left with nothing but a few frozen embryos that represent her last chance at motherhood.

Speaker 1 As Zoe starts rebuilding her life, she begins to wonder what family really means and how far she's willing to go to have one.

Speaker 1 Sing you home.

Speaker 1 Do I have to take the book if I win? Well, I mean, how dare you? It's a treasured trophy, Ralph. How dare you? I mean, it depends who you think.
Sometimes trophies are treasured.

Speaker 1 Sometimes they're thrown out with the garbage like all of our other books. But we'll get past that.
We've gotten past that. We've gotten past that.

Speaker 1 The New York Comedy Club received, I think, about 30 one-star reviews after they got rid of our

Speaker 1 library. Oh, small price.
Small price, I say.

Speaker 1 They called me. They're like, can you call off the dogs?

Speaker 1 Where are my books? I yelled into the phone.

Speaker 1 Those books are priceless. All right.
I think everybody understands it. Who's going to understand it? If you don't, you'll pick it up as it goes along.
I think we're ready for war.

Speaker 1 What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 come on now come on everybody in here are we ready for war

Speaker 1 the sultan says i'm always ready for war wait are we really having war right now yes war

Speaker 1 alex

Speaker 1 story number one please

Speaker 2 Story number one.

Speaker 2 I met someone at a concert who wanted to hook up.

Speaker 2 We found a spot where we could, and when they took their pants off, their lower body was completely scarred from a fire they had survived.

Speaker 2 It was too late to back out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you monster.

Speaker 1 I said to that girl.

Speaker 1 Oh, you monster. Monster.

Speaker 1 No, it wasn't my story. It wasn't.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, public hookup, that is a me thing all the way.

Speaker 1 It turns me on.

Speaker 1 At a concert is fun. I would know if you fucked at a concert.
You would know if I fucked at a concert. I feel like Ralph is too large to fuck in a public space.
Very true.

Speaker 1 Like that giant is molesting a burn victim in the corner of that sticks concert. Backstage a lot, though, guy.

Speaker 1 And also tracks with the whole Frankenstein vibe. It does make sense.
That is true.

Speaker 1 Fire!

Speaker 1 One time I was at a Skid Row concert, and they made me alive with lightning. And the fire part, fire, Frank's time, makes sense.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Shut up, Ralph. Stop playing the game so good.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's Ralph. Sienna, would Sienna hook up in public?

Speaker 3 No, I would never.

Speaker 3 I think it's Big J, honestly. Really? I think you're good enough to have sex with a fire victim.

Speaker 1 Oh, that I would fuck a fire victim?

Speaker 1 That does seem me.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Well, I would. Well, they're not Hamas.
They're just people who are in an accident.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, I do get it, though, because I've like gotten girls naked, and then you see what's underneath. You're like, fuck.
Well, we're here. Yeah.
I assume that's what every girl thinks with me.

Speaker 1 Fuck. And I go, I know, right?

Speaker 1 I feel like they just know what they're in for with guys like us. Like, they must, right? Yeah, they're like, they're somehow people.

Speaker 1 Joe, do you think people see you with your clothes on like you're jacked? Buddy, I don't know what it is,

Speaker 1 but see me with my clothes off, I do have a feeling like I'm like, no one had any idea it would look like this.

Speaker 1 Not that I look jacked, just that it's not, they thought it was going to be even better somehow. And I'm like, I know, I know.
I'm always letting you know. Like that t shirt in a pool.

Speaker 1 You're like, well, now it's sticking to you. Yes, yes.
So much worse. Never wore a t-shirt in a pool for that very reason.
Yeah, Shane is a sweetheart of a guy.

Speaker 1 I've worked with Shane a lot. He's genuinely a good person for all intents and purposes.

Speaker 1 I could see, and you also seem like you couldn't get much higher than a burn victim so I feel like but I am also a deviant in a lot of different ways so are you yeah so super into burn victims what so you're super into burn victims now I wouldn't say super

Speaker 1 I don't think they're heroes I just you know

Speaker 1 that's the type of gasoline they use to light her body on fire

Speaker 1 oh my god

Speaker 1 oh my god

Speaker 1 it was more exciting you can't be the only one laughing at that joke he's like I love jokes about gas. Pa hawaia.
Setting woman on fire, good.

Speaker 1 More oil jokes.

Speaker 1 That guy rules.

Speaker 1 The princess does not enjoy it quite as much.

Speaker 1 But the sultan himself is good, so we will leave with our heads.

Speaker 1 His 14th virgin wife is not having a good time right now.

Speaker 1 She's just tired. She's tired.

Speaker 1 I'm getting some Shane Torres vibes over here. I think it's either you or Big Jai.
I actually think the same way. I actually think it's you.
I would never fuck a bird Big Dog.

Speaker 1 I just can't see anybody else looking at the rest of this panel and being like, oh man, you know what really got me going after this killer's concert?

Speaker 1 So I'd love to fuck some guy at a casual male XL bino. Yeah, women aren't nice like that.
Yeah, I think a girl has no problem backing out. A girl has no problem backing out.

Speaker 1 I'm going to lock in early. It's Shane.

Speaker 1 Sorry, guys. It is definitely.
Definitely like it.

Speaker 1 I'm also agreeing with Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 1 Shane Torres

Speaker 1 is my answer.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 no. I think it's Shane, too, but I know I'm going to get fucked and this is going to be like...
Did I spell this right? I'm going to hit you if it's you. He will not.
That says J.

Speaker 1 I would be shocked if it's those.

Speaker 1 Sienna, really? You think it's Sienna? Oh, God. gosh, we got

Speaker 3 him choosing me makes it like a tent.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you know, that is true, yeah, because it's so obviously not you.

Speaker 1 Shane couldn't think beyond his

Speaker 1 well, that would be cool.

Speaker 1 All right, all of our answers are in, Alex. Whose story was story number one?

Speaker 2 Story number one belongs to

Speaker 1 Big Jack.

Speaker 1 I was right,

Speaker 1 I was right. Wow,

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 Nice. This girl's losing her mind on the back.
She said, I was right. I was right.
I was right.

Speaker 1 I had a 50-50. I thought it was either one.

Speaker 2 I thought it was.

Speaker 1 She called it early. Oh, fuck.
And I do know that Jay would not back out at that moment. That's because he's horny.
It's because you just don't want to hurt this girl's feelings.

Speaker 1 Her life has been non-stop hurt feelings. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How was it?

Speaker 1 Oh, man. quick

Speaker 1 how much burn how much burning are we talking well

Speaker 1 we tell the story now guys who know the game apparently um

Speaker 1 yeah it was when i was opening for corn

Speaker 1 so i'd been on stage and this girl

Speaker 1 she was throwing it she wanted to hook up so we went uh onto the tour bus into the back lounge

Speaker 1 And I got there, she was sitting on the bench and I was pulling her pants down as I pull her pants down, which, by the way, I'm definitely getting ready to eat her busy.

Speaker 1 I lined up for that very thing.

Speaker 1 And then, when I got the pants up like this,

Speaker 1 it was char broiled, so buddy,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, flame broiled. I had it my way.
You know, if you put

Speaker 1 if you put your ear next to it, they'll tell you who started the fire. Yeah, no,

Speaker 1 it was her stepfather. I don't know,

Speaker 1 I don't know if she,

Speaker 1 what the accident possibly could have been. It looked like she rode a horse made of fire.

Speaker 1 It was just her inner thighs,

Speaker 1 stopped somehow at her pussy, of course. My luck.
And then continued back on down the other lane, like Freddy Krueger's cheeks. Wow.
Wow. And it was too late to go.

Speaker 1 You saw the heads of teenage souls coming out of her lap.

Speaker 1 Hell, boss Jay.

Speaker 1 It's just that woman who spilled the coffee from McDonald's on her lap.

Speaker 1 This is why we need tort reform.

Speaker 1 She

Speaker 1 and then how quickly I snaked my way from like my head being down there to like, hey, let's kiss.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 mustered it up to get through this because I was exactly like Lewis said, like,

Speaker 1 I was just like, dude,

Speaker 1 this moment right here has stopped for her 500 times You think a lot of guys have walked away? Yes, was there any discussion about it at all? No

Speaker 1 What if you sorry not to she just goes I swear she was almost like she goes yeah she goes I was in a fire and I went I almost made a face like I was like no, I almost made a face like I was like we

Speaker 1 And I was like oh shit. I didn't even yeah no I was

Speaker 1 I was I wasn't even looking because she saw me actively not looking. I was like

Speaker 1 what if she took your clothes off? And she was like, no, I'm okay. Oh, dude.
That would have hurt so much.

Speaker 1 She goes, oh, you were in a fire, too.

Speaker 1 What stretch marks, you cunt.

Speaker 1 I had the same, not that, but like this, I was making out with this woman. We went on our first date, and she was like, I took her top off and she goes, I have.

Speaker 1 like burns from a car accident I was in and it was fine. Like it was, it was like, I was, I couldn't even believe, I wouldn't have even noticed if she had said it.
So So this must have been a lot.

Speaker 1 Jarring. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This was like, oh, like when I was seven, I put my thumb on an iron.
Like, I was just like,

Speaker 1 I can't be that juicy. You saw parts of her body you're not supposed to see.
Like the inside? Yeah. It was,

Speaker 1 it all looked like inside.

Speaker 1 The outside

Speaker 1 looked like the inside.

Speaker 1 All right, Alex, tell us our point. I mean, I already know the points, Brad, but for the people that don't understand understand how it works.

Speaker 2 All right, on the scoreboard in first place with four points.

Speaker 1 Pulled everybody.

Speaker 2 Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 Early lead. And we didn't notice this on the show last week, which people have already seen it online at this point, but last week, our winner was Karen Feehan.

Speaker 1 She was the only person to ever win that didn't have a story actually pulled because all the stories are randomly pulled.

Speaker 1 She didn't have a story pulled, and she still ended up winning the entire games. Which seems almost impossible, but she did it.
So yeah, it can be done. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So Jay is in an early lead, but it doesn't really mean much. Thank you.
Oh, I didn't realize the whole example was to fucking

Speaker 1 delegitimize my fucking awesome round there. He goes, just so you know, this means nothing.

Speaker 1 For nothing, it's make that up in a blink.

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Speaker 1 All right, where were we? Alex, story number two.

Speaker 2 Story number two.

Speaker 2 I was invited to a party where there was a VIP area that was a sex party.

Speaker 2 I never made it there because it was my first party with an open bar, and I got so drunk that I kept throwing up in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 So I,

Speaker 1 I mean, everyone thinks this is Sienna for sure. Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 I was going to say Sienna, but I'll tell you right now, Sienna is a very funny comic, and the amount of times that this person used the word party is driving me out of my mind.

Speaker 1 Like a comic would, and Ralph's not a stand-up comic, so that is like almost like a tell in the way that it's written.

Speaker 1 And Sienna, if this is you, I'm saying you need to get to a writing class.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Louis J.
Gomez teaches economy of words over at the Learning Annex on Sundays.

Speaker 1 Well, party is twice in the first sentence. These are little three-act structure work.

Speaker 1 You know, you may be leaving off the vibe. I was invited to a gathering where the VIP was a sex party, perhaps.
It's a different word.

Speaker 1 I feel there's no way that a guy is going to get caught up at the bar if he's the first time he's at a sex party. That's just my thinking.
I was invited to a party.

Speaker 1 Let me say it a different way. I don't think a party with a sex party would be someone.
I'm using party a lot to confuse you guys.

Speaker 1 I think it's Ralph.

Speaker 1 It could be Ralph. I find it hard to believe that any one of the men up here,

Speaker 1 that their first open bar was also a sex partner. That's what I'm having a hard time with.
That's like my main party. And also, I'm not going to be a part of that.

Speaker 1 It seems like a pretty girl would end up in that bar. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't seem like, oh, you know who I'd love to have in my fuck party? It's the Dallas Cowboys 1994 offensive line.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, like. Also, any, you know what? I'm right in Sienna, because I'll tell you this.
I'm locking it in first. I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1 Never made it there. If a guy was drunk at a party and threw up in the bathroom, afterwards you'd go, like, well, I'm going to go watch the sex party for a little bit.

Speaker 1 Like, you're not going to leave it. You're not going to go, ah, dude, fuck the sex party.
I'm sick. One other thing.
None of us are being invited to the VIP area of a sex party.

Speaker 1 Yeah, VIP area, sex party, drunk in the bathroom, didn't go. It is screaming, Sienna.
But also,

Speaker 1 Ralph is deceptively woman-like. Yes, and also a huge creep.

Speaker 1 Low tolerance. Louis.

Speaker 1 It's been awful quiet until just now, though.

Speaker 1 Louis's first party wouldn't be a sex party.

Speaker 1 My first,

Speaker 1 I don't dress well enough to get invited to a VIP area. I would make it to that.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm a sex addict, basically. There's no way I'm not making it to the sex party.
Even if I have to breathe my hot, puky breath in these poor underage hookers' faces.

Speaker 1 I will say this, if it's either of the three. They're already paid losing respect for all three of you.
Would you say? I would lose respect for you if that's what happened at a sex party. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm making it to that sex party. Sienna, I'm trying to not vote for you, and I'm trying to extend the amount of time for round two, but there's just no other way.
She's not even denying it.

Speaker 1 She's just keeping going, she's twirling her hair a lot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I met this roy nice guy named Jeffrey. And

Speaker 1 if this is Big J again,

Speaker 1 the game's over.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm not a big drinker. You're not a big drinker,

Speaker 1 and you're a bit of a pussyhound.

Speaker 1 I would have loved to go to a

Speaker 1 party where the VIP was a sex party, but I'm telling you, I'd have made it there.

Speaker 1 I'd have got there. All of her answers are in.

Speaker 2 Story number two belongs to Sienna Tuber Ross.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 3 I had an edited version. I sent her the wrong story.
This is like the first draft. I had a better sentence.

Speaker 1 She used the word party so many times. Yeah.

Speaker 3 This is like I wrote this like hungover last night.

Speaker 3 But yeah.

Speaker 3 It was a sex party.

Speaker 1 Where was this at? In New York City? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Lower East Side. I was 18.

Speaker 1 Oh, Toit?

Speaker 3 Yeah, Toit. I didn't have, I obviously didn't have sex, but it was also a lesbian invited me.
It was a lesbian sex party. Well, it was like straight women that were cheating on their husbands.

Speaker 1 Hold on, the Sultan's going to come. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, someone's going to be wife 18.

Speaker 1 You play your cards right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, no, I was 18. I was still a virgin.
A girl had invited me.

Speaker 3 I thought it was just a normal party, but then it was a sex party where it was just like a bunch of like married women fucking in a room.

Speaker 3 But I never, you know, had an open bar before, so I got so drunk that I threw everywhere. And I was, I ended up getting kicked out of the sex party for being too young.

Speaker 1 They still kicked you out?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I was like 18. You should be like 21, and then I didn't have sex, and I just got drunk.
It was like my first time getting really drunk.

Speaker 1 Wow, this story. But not your first time getting gangbanged by housewives.

Speaker 1 I didn't realize this story.

Speaker 1 I didn't realize this story was going to be so fucking hot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Boner check.

Speaker 1 It's a good thing these tables are here.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. And then what happened?

Speaker 1 What happened? All the guys at the room were just going, yeah, you weren't telling us. Were they kissing?

Speaker 1 So these wives were like eating pussies and whatever.

Speaker 3 No, it was crazy. They were all eating pussy and they all had like wedding rings on.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. It's funny you picked that up blackout drunk.

Speaker 1 Well, Sienna is half black, so she was looking at all the people's jewelry.

Speaker 1 She was clocking the joint. Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 1 All right, Alex, two stories down. Where are our points at? All right.

Speaker 2 In last place with zero points, Sienna Hubert Ross. Come on.

Speaker 1 You guys, thank you.

Speaker 2 Tied for second place with two points each. Louis J.
Gomez, Shane Torres, and Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 2 And in the lead with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 Oh, I was there one.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 Alex, story number three.

Speaker 2 Story number three.

Speaker 2 When I was a teenager, I tried to learn how to play an instrument. I joined a band, but got kicked out in front of a studio filled with people when they realized that I knew nothing.

Speaker 2 The guitarist went on to be pretty successful.

Speaker 1 Wasn't

Speaker 1 Lewis, you were in a band? I was. I was the drummer for Salty Blackflower.
Shout out Salty Blackflower.

Speaker 1 Salty Black Flower. Yep.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 All right, Shane, you didn't even know an instrument. You got kicked out of the the fucking band.
Isn't it black flower like F-L-O-U-R? It's one word, B-L-A-C-K-F-L-O-U-R.

Speaker 1 Like a name, like Ziggy Sardust.

Speaker 1 Do you think any two words are like a name? Well, no, that's what it was. My lead singer was like, that was his like alternate ego with softie black flower.
Who says alternate? The full word.

Speaker 1 Alter ego. This.

Speaker 1 His alternative

Speaker 1 ego.

Speaker 1 I like Clark Kent, his alternative ego.

Speaker 1 The alternative to Superman.

Speaker 3 I think it's definitely you, Big J.

Speaker 1 I was never in a band in my life.

Speaker 3 No, because when we were in the green room, you were like saying how you'd rather be a musician than a comedian.

Speaker 1 And you're in Cold Play.

Speaker 1 I would, but I've never, you don't tell everyone I like cold play. I've told them already.

Speaker 1 I went and I lose it. Jay would be an annoyingly hilarious bassist.
Like, dude, get off the mic. Shut the fuck up, dude.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, hey, I know it's there, but I'm like, dude, dude, dude. I'm the singer.
Shut up, Getty Lee.

Speaker 1 Shut up. Fucking guy from Offspring.

Speaker 1 Dexter Holland.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 He's a Rhodes Scholar.

Speaker 1 I was never in a band, though. That is the truth.

Speaker 1 Shan's got long hair. He knew the name of the guy from Offspring, which is fucking...
That's a little bit new. I had a radio in 1994.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I knew it too. I just was playing cold.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's crazy.
You'll claim cold play, but you won't go to offspring. Come on, dude.

Speaker 1 To rule the world.

Speaker 1 Well, now I think it's Jay.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 he just faked it so perfectly now in front of us. What are you talking about? Ralph is.
Because I was in a band with Wolfgang Van Halen for a little bit. Lewis.

Speaker 1 Who went on to become a pretty successful guitarist? Do you still play drums? I have a drum set still. Me too, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But I was never insulted.
But Ralph has no musical abilities at all. He's a very rock and roll guy.
Interviews a lot of rock stars, knows a lot of rock stars.

Speaker 1 And knowing somebody that went on to be pretty successful would be typical of a Jew. Just so

Speaker 1 he's a Jew.

Speaker 1 Ralph, without ever learning an instrument or picking up any music skill whatsoever, leaped from, and I know him very closely to know this, he leaped from what he believed to be professional breakdancer.

Speaker 1 I was in a movie. To he's not in a goddamn movie.
I'm in the movie. He's not.
I am, look at him. Frush Grew if he says it.
He's not in it. I've watched it a hundred times.

Speaker 1 He went right from spinning on your knees, the Glide Wizard. Yes, that's right.
To becoming, that was his name, the Glide Wizard. Glide Wizard.
G-Wiz, for sure. Sure is.
Gee Wiz.

Speaker 1 Some people say Gee Wiz when they see me. Like, oh my God, Gee Wiz, how do you do that?

Speaker 1 You talk about salty black flower? G-Wiz is just as good.

Speaker 1 Gee whiz

Speaker 1 is as legitimate as salty black flower. I'm willing to say that.

Speaker 1 So none of us think it's Sienna, though.

Speaker 1 No, they don't just let her be in the band. In my instinct, it's one of them, for sure.
You know, I was never in a band. But this means you were never in a band.
Yeah, this is never.

Speaker 1 No, it says I joined. This means you tried to be in a band.

Speaker 1 It It says they joined the band.

Speaker 1 I joined a band, but got kicked out in front of a studio filled with people when they realized I knew nothing.

Speaker 1 That's a tell for people who, if it's their story, when they start reading it back, that's typically a tell.

Speaker 1 That is a shame. Oh, my God.
That is a good.

Speaker 1 Shane, do you play any instruments?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do. What do you play? I was a vocal performance major in college.

Speaker 1 Really? You're a singer? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your instrument is a beautiful voice.

Speaker 1 It's not beautiful. It's a...
Oh, good. Hold on.
Somebody's playing a backing track for you. Shane?

Speaker 1 Shane, it's time for you to say. They found my cover of Blackflower.

Speaker 1 Salty.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Salty Blackflower. The alternate ego of the lead singer.

Speaker 1 I do think it's Jay because I just...

Speaker 1 I don't know why, but I got a hunch. Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah. Despite the fact that for sure, a thousand percent, I've never been in a a band.

Speaker 1 This person,

Speaker 1 if I was a super talented person, whoever they were, if I was in a band for six minutes, I would have had it tattooed on me already.

Speaker 1 It would probably be called Legion of Skanks.

Speaker 1 I'm changing my score, my game. I'm trusting you guys that when they read a story back like that, it's because they're not used to it.
I'm going to say, Ralph. I think Ralph is doing it.

Speaker 1 I just, but I am. Ooh, that could be a good deflection.

Speaker 1 But I really.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Lou.
know what I also

Speaker 1 thank you for the backup, my Puerto Rican friend, my Puerto Rican brother in the corner.

Speaker 1 I'm going

Speaker 1 with Luis Jaygo. Waste your vote, idiot.
The only person in the room. What a fool.

Speaker 1 I'm glad you took your dumb hand away. The only person in the room.
No, you're not. You're furious about it.
Nope. The only person.
It's killing you.

Speaker 1 We're going to see in five seconds how much it murders.

Speaker 1 I'd have three points. We thought you were sweeping.
And it didn't. I came in and got two more points.
It's going to fuck your world up. You're the only person up here for sure that was in a band.

Speaker 1 You're the only person whose personality would get them kicked out of that band.

Speaker 1 When they realized I knew nothing, I knew how to play drums. No, you don't.

Speaker 1 Neither do I. We just have them.
Nope, James.

Speaker 1 I didn't say I was never in a band. Ah, shit.

Speaker 1 This is probably Shane. Fuck me.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Look at his pretty eyes. Fuck you, Shane.

Speaker 2 Story number three belongs to Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 How does it feel to be such a dumb fuck?

Speaker 1 Can't tell you how nice it is.

Speaker 1 Do you know who I thought your successful guitarist friend was? Who? Dave Green, your friend. He's not successful at all.
I thought he was, sort of. I think he collects antiques.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Didn't say he was successful as a guitarist.

Speaker 1 And I wasn't kicked at Salty Blackflower. We dissolved the band after three years.
Ralph, tell us a story.

Speaker 1 First of all, what did you tell them you played? Bass.

Speaker 1 That is the instrument you played. Yeah, I knew like two notes, kind of.
And the guy, a friend of mine was singing. And I said, oh, I can kind of play bass.
I had a bass. And we went in.

Speaker 1 It was very obvious almost immediately that I had no idea what I was doing. He was yelling at me, play an E.
I'm like, I don't know what a fucking E is.

Speaker 1 And then they threw me out in front of everybody. Like, the studio was filled with their girlfriends and everything.
And he kicked me out of the fucking studio. And he's been in,

Speaker 1 he was with a bunch of bands. Ralph had an upright bass.

Speaker 1 He was in Rock of Ages. He was in the Smithereens.
He just pretends it's a gondola.

Speaker 1 He went on to do a lot of different bands. He was in Flock of Seagulls, Smithereens.
Oh, shit. Yeah, he did a lot of stuff.
And he played for Rock of Ages. Wow.
Nice. Wow.
And my career sucks.

Speaker 1 Ralph just got some points there. Alex, where are points out after three stories?

Speaker 2 All right, in last place with two points, Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 1 Way to go

Speaker 2 in fourth place with three points, Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 2 Tied for second place with four points each, Luis J. Gomez and Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 It's our Latino Rocklock.

Speaker 2 And in the lead with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 Everyone's creeping up on my ass. Everyone wants to go home with Sing You Home, which follows Zoe's decision to use the embryos that she and her ex-husband created years ago.

Speaker 1 But when her ex-Max becomes a born-again Christian, he refuses to let her move forward. What begins as a private decision becomes a legal battle over ownership, morality, and what defines a parent.

Speaker 1 For Zoe, it's not just about science or law, it's about protecting the dream she's fought her entire life for.

Speaker 1 Up for grabs. Up for grabs.

Speaker 4 Hey, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story Wars, and that is Harry's Razors. Ooh, good stuff.
I love a good razor.

Speaker 4 And Lewis, I've answered my own question on this. I asked you recently, is Harry's good for shaving your beans? The answer is yes, it is.
Of course. Look, Harry's

Speaker 4 barbershop quality shaved with German engineered blades. You know, my Audi was German-engineered.
So this is how I know, you know, I love German-engineered stuff.

Speaker 4 Anything German-engineered, I'm way on board with. Well, you'd be surprised how much they have the aloe and vitamin E strip also, which I've used for years on the disposables.

Speaker 4 And it's one of the things I was worried wouldn't be the case on

Speaker 4 a reusable razor. So this is pretty, pretty exciting.
You can ditch the dull blades, expensive refills, and bumpy skin. And they also don't just make razors, by the way.

Speaker 4 They got a bunch of grooming essentials like shape gel and deodorant and body wash, all thoughtfully made, priced to stock up, and ready to be delivered right to your door, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 4 Yeah, well, that's what they did. They sent me the trial pack here, which is what you get right now for a limited time.

Speaker 4 Our Story Warriors can get the harry's plus trial set for ten dollars at harry's.com slash wars it includes the uh razor one uh five blade cartridge a two ounce foaming shave gel and a travel cover to protect your blades while you're on the go you just go to harry's h-a-r-r-y-sharrys.com slash wars with a z

Speaker 4 and after you purchase they're going to ask you where you heard about them support the show tell them story wars sent you don't be a jerk off and just order it and not tell them that sometimes people think if you don't use the code like you're spending more money and it helps us it does not it hurts us.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it hurts us so much. Don't hurt us.

Speaker 4 Pay less money and help us.

Speaker 4 You fucks. Anyway, that's Harry's.com/slash wars.
All right, where were we?

Speaker 1 Still anybody's game.

Speaker 1 Stories down.

Speaker 1 Story number four.

Speaker 2 Story number four.

Speaker 2 The first time I took LSD, I got completely naked in public.

Speaker 1 God, we all hope it's Sienna.

Speaker 1 Nobody wants to hear this story from anyone else.

Speaker 1 You could just put a block over our heads and they'd be like, we still have no idea.

Speaker 1 Just to black us out.

Speaker 1 Well, look, I know this about Big J.

Speaker 1 No matter how much LSD he's on, he's never getting naked in public. For sure.

Speaker 1 Well, you also know the only time I've had LSD ever in my life was when you systematically fucked up and almost put it in a situation where I already put it in my drink and then I had it.

Speaker 1 I did not get naked in public that night.

Speaker 1 That is true. You've only had LSD one time and it was because your friend spiked you.
I understand.

Speaker 1 We dosed you. Bad friends.
Sienna, have you taken LSD before?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Well, wow, that was a terrible thing. You know what, guys? She's so pretty, I believe her.

Speaker 1 I believe her because I want to believe her.

Speaker 3 I don't do drugs.

Speaker 1 I've never done a drug.

Speaker 1 This is a lie.

Speaker 1 Only alcohol. That's it.

Speaker 1 I don't not believe you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You've never done cocaine.

Speaker 3 No, I've never.

Speaker 1 do you want to do some cocaine

Speaker 1 not with not with you loud

Speaker 1 were you a drugs guy shane i have i've had my fun yeah i've had my fun i don't do drugs really anymore i'll do shrooms every once in a while and cocaine sometimes

Speaker 1 and a little bit of heroin sometimes i'll do some ghost i will do

Speaker 1 cocaine

Speaker 1 If it is there.

Speaker 1 That's the thing about cocaine. Technically, it's always there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sounds like there might be some cocaine in this audience.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Said the guy who's been talking.

Speaker 1 Sir, you've been talking so much that I believe you're on cocaine.

Speaker 1 And it's definitely not fentanyl.

Speaker 1 It's Coke, all right.

Speaker 1 Let's see, let's see, let's see. Ralph has ever done LSD.
I know for a fact. Jay's only done it once.
I believe Shane, Jay would know if you got naked. That's what I think.

Speaker 1 This would be a story I would have told.

Speaker 1 I think it's Shane because she sounded being sincere when she said she's never done any drugs. I was going to say, Shane doesn't seem like I want to get naked in public, but you were on LSD.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's also like, I mean, you're not a guy who wants to get naked in public. No, this is me.
Or do LSD. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying I wonder if a drug could get me to the point where I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm wondering about you.

Speaker 1 Oh, but

Speaker 1 I've only been dosed with LSD up there. Here's the thing.
I will confirm.

Speaker 1 I shouldn't do this because I want to win the game, but I will tell you right now, I know 100% of a fact Jay's taken LSD one time against his will. We were all there.

Speaker 1 We almost stopped being friends because of it.

Speaker 1 I tried to dose Ari Shafir, and then Shane Gillis saw me do it, and he told Ari.

Speaker 1 I told Shane. I was like, dude, we're going to get Ari back for dosing birds.
And then Shane told Ari, and then on camera, this is all on the Legion of Sangs podcast. We have it on camera.

Speaker 1 Ari switched beers with Big Jay, and it is fucking watching it back is the most delightful thing ever.

Speaker 1 Top top five moments of any podcast. I don't have any friends I would stay friends with after something like that.

Speaker 1 You guys really love each other. Dude, he didn't talk to us for a full 48 hours.
We were like, dude, Jay's quitting the podcast. He's not going to be a bad person.
That's a lot.

Speaker 1 I was awake for all those 48 hours.

Speaker 1 Wondering why my friends did that to me.

Speaker 1 Awakening. When you're on acid, sometimes you just hold on to one question.

Speaker 1 Why would my friends do this to me? I just sat on my couch.

Speaker 1 I just sat on my couch and watched four movies straight. I don't remember what they were.
I remember watching all four movies and going, like, why would they do that to me? Why me?

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do that to them.

Speaker 1 Jay, you know every one of my drug stories because you were there for all of them. So that's definitely not me.
It's not Ralph. It's not Big Jay.
It's Sienna or it's Sienna Shane. It's Lewis.

Speaker 1 It's Lewis for sure.

Speaker 3 It's 100%.

Speaker 1 Lewis is no problem.

Speaker 1 I would not just tell you. Jay knows I have an above-average size penis, right? Not even sort of.
It's an above-average. Yeah, what's the big enough penis?

Speaker 1 Do you think everybody here is rocking a nine-incher? But not big enough to get fucking naked. I don't give a shit how much LSA is.
You're not big,

Speaker 1 Lewis. Get you out of your mind.
Yeah, you are a free spirit. I've never been that out of my mind on Acid.

Speaker 3 But this is a story you would.

Speaker 1 This story that Jay would know. You would know the story about.
I would have told the story on the podcast. I told the huge.
The highest I've ever been, I told on the podcast before.

Speaker 1 So you know how high I've been on Acid. I did not get naked.
That story would come up. There's no way it wouldn't.
It's definitely Shane. It's definitely.
I'm thinking it's Shane. Why?

Speaker 1 Or she's a great actress. It's one of the if it's Sienna.
She is.

Speaker 1 Did you ever see Terrifier 3?

Speaker 1 Bite your fucking tongue asking questions like that. Pete the game, bro.

Speaker 1 I'm going to vote for Shane, but I wish it was Sienna just so we could hear the story. God damn it.

Speaker 1 I'm in. I fully believe it's Lewis.
Shane Torres. If it's Lewis, it was wild that that story never came out.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. I'm going to go.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 If it's Sienna. Fools.
Boy, am I going to get hard? Oh, you're both fools. Wow.

Speaker 1 All right. Everyone's answers are in.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Story number four

Speaker 2 belongs to Lewis.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You're fucking slick.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I definitely got naked on a bunch of acid.

Speaker 1 Took way too much acid with my friends. The story's a lie.
No, it's true.

Speaker 1 In fact, I've probably told it on Weegen of Sanks. You just don't remember.
You just remembered it all of a sudden.

Speaker 1 No, I was with my friends. We got a wild amount of acid.
Got really fucked up in West Havershire and New York, and there's a gazebo at Pecks Pond. And when I say public, it was public.

Speaker 1 It was in the gazebo, but it was just me and like two of my close friends. And I was like, we should just get naked.
And I took all my clothes off and I just ran around the gazebo in circles.

Speaker 1 With guys? With guys, yeah.

Speaker 1 Not a girl to be seen.

Speaker 1 If you would have said I got completely naked with guys in public, I would have moved you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there was no girl. I convinced a bunch of guys to get naked with me in public.
No, they didn't get naked. They all were like, dude, what are you doing? It's like, we're free spirits, yay!

Speaker 1 Tell the Sultan you're joking before he fucking takes your hand off.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 How old were you?

Speaker 1 19. Yeah, that's five.
39. Yeah, 30.

Speaker 1 I was a young buck at the time.

Speaker 1 Alex, four stories down. Where are our points at at halftime?

Speaker 2 All right. In last place with three points, Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 2 In fourth place with four points, Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 2 And tide for the lead with six points each.

Speaker 2 Louis J. Gomez, Big Jay Ogreson.

Speaker 1 Mark of the Beast, bro. Triple six.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hail Satan.

Speaker 1 Hail Satan. Somebody play some maiden.

Speaker 1 All right, we're at the halfway point. 643.
That means Satan. Love you.
Love you. On our old beepers.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Crowd doesn't speak beeper.

Speaker 1 We're at the halfway point of the show, which at this point we always go around and we ask you guys to plug something. So, Ralph, obviously, the SDR show.
But what else are you plugging, my friend?

Speaker 1 At Skank Fest, the SDR show is going to be with Savvy Sucks, a very beautiful porn star, and her boyfriend. And the game we were playing is called Cox, Cucks, Cunts, and Couples.

Speaker 1 Anybody that wants to have sex with either of them, both of them, watch whatever you want. We're doing it at SkankFest, picking a winner.
You're getting tested there, and that's the game.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 1 there's no good sex. There's no game.
You just show up and fuck the stuff.

Speaker 1 There's a game. That is a game.
That is the game. Most dangerous game.
You have to submit a video.

Speaker 1 The boys at thestr show.com. We're going to pick some finalists that have tickets to SkankFest, and we'll pick winners, and we'll have a game figure.

Speaker 1 Is it unprotected sex? You have to get tested. And it's unprotected.

Speaker 1 Oh, sick. You get tested.
I'm going to join. okay Ralph what's the uh

Speaker 1 what's the sign-ups for this

Speaker 1 and it's happening in New Orleans yeah wow in New Orleans what a fun time fucking gorgeous savvy sucker I did say I saw her video today very sexy yeah so submit a video to the boys at pstr.com all right speaking of sexy next Shane where where are you gonna be

Speaker 1 Thank you boo ya

Speaker 1 I will be when does this come out I don't care about two three weeks two three weeks I will be in New Orleans the week after Skank Fest. Sadly this year I won't visit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm sure I'll still be able to smell everything that happened.

Speaker 1 I'll be in

Speaker 1 Dallas Comedy Club the weekend of Thanksgiving and just Shane is comedian.com. Oh, and I got a new podcast called Coastal Idiots.
It's very weird. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Very cool. Very funny.

Speaker 1 Shane Torres, hilarious.

Speaker 1 Sienna, Hubert Ross, what are you plugging, girl?

Speaker 3 I'll be in Indianapolis October 24th through the 26th at Helium and Houston at Riot Comedy Club, November 6th. And Cap City, November 7th.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Go see Sienna on the road, guys.

Speaker 1 Don't be creeps.

Speaker 1 Cap City's Austin, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Big J. Big Jay Oakerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.
If you get it, you get it. I get it.

Speaker 1 I'm throughout the rest of the year and the first part of the year next year. I'm every weekend.
So look for a city near you.

Speaker 1 On my website, now you can pre-order the double vinyl of them they, my double crowd work special with all kinds of packages, including some original artwork, the download of all four hours uncut, and it's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 The artwork's fucking awesome. I'm pretty excited about it.
So check that out. We got Story Wars happening at the Grammar City Theater

Speaker 1 in November for New York Comedy Festival. We have two Story Wars happening Thanksgiving weekend, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving in Philadelphia.
I'll also be there that whole weekend, headlining.

Speaker 1 And then what else? Comedy Mothership's coming up. A lot of fun stuff.
Look for a sitting near you. And bonfire.

Speaker 1 And of course, Legion of Skanks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, lots of live dates coming up. Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com to grab tickets.
I'll be in Chandler, Arizona, October 24th, 25th. Then a bunch of great stuff coming up.

Speaker 1 Austin, Texas, we're doing a Body Brand Coffee Presents the Depraved on the 28th at the Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 1 That's the night before we're doing, or I'm sorry, two nights later, we're doing the Austin Story Wars shows.

Speaker 1 Come see Star Wars live at the Grammarcy Theater, all that stuff my next special is premiering November 3rd on YouTube guys so go check that out

Speaker 1 it's gonna be in the probably right before

Speaker 1 right before Legion of Skanks starts or one of these shows or sorry Story Wars premieres on Gast Digital will premiere it probably around six o'clock November 3rd check it out on YouTube it's called you're making this worse make sure you subscribe to all of my podcasts Legion of Skanks the Regs and my solo podcasts that I do on my email list and if you guys love the show you should know that we have about 50 episodes that that are not available anywhere else.

Speaker 1 You can only get them by subscribing to gasdigital.com. Use the promo code WART.
You save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly.
You get a bunch of unlocked episodes.

Speaker 1 They're all ad-free. They're all uncensored.
Plus, you get pre-release on all these episodes.

Speaker 1 If you're watching on YouTube right now, just so you know, you can watch it uncensored and ad-free every Monday night with a bunch of racist comedy fans. It's really great.

Speaker 1 The racist laugh check rules. Gastdigital.com is the website.
Oh, and pre-order my book, Knives and Spoons, on Amazon right now.

Speaker 1 Nice man.

Speaker 1 Now we have reached the second half of the show, our final four stories.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 well, Ralph, you probably feel like a dumb piece of shit. Yeah, I feel I cannot trust my instincts at all.
You're like, why don't I just go home? This is a waste of time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But let me tell you, three points out of first place is nothing to be concerned about. Because for the final four stories, we go double points.

Speaker 1 You look Ralph, you look confused. I'm annoyed at myself.
I'm not confused. I'm just mad at it.
I thought I was afraid. Why would you be annoyed at yourself, buddy?

Speaker 1 You can make this up very, very easily because before,

Speaker 1 if you fooled somebody, you got one point. And if you guessed somebody correctly, you got two points.
Now that actually moves to double points.

Speaker 1 The Sultan loves the pageantry.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 His wife's not allowed to laugh because she can't stare at other men.

Speaker 1 He's like, this show is a whole new world.

Speaker 1 I can see it.

Speaker 1 Me and Lewis are going to get killed by a curvy sword.

Speaker 1 Just a snake in a basketball.

Speaker 1 Meet my friend Harvey.

Speaker 4 All right, Story Warriors. Let's take a quick moment and thank Mint Mobile for supporting the show.
We love Mint Mobile. And I'll tell you right now, you're probably overpaying for wireless.

Speaker 4 We're all overpaying for wireless. It's time to say yes to saying no with Mint Mobile.
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Speaker 4 Really incredible. Premium wireless, Jay, for check this out, $15 per month.
Ooh, $15 per month.

Speaker 4 And they all have high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. It's pretty amazing.

Speaker 4 You could use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your number along with you and all your existing contacts. They make it as easy as possible.
Why overpay if you don't have to?

Speaker 4 Are you ready to say yes to saying no? Well, make the switch right now at mintmobile.com/slash wars. That's mintm-i-n-t-mobile.com/slash wars with a Z.

Speaker 4 Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent equivalent to $15 per month. Limited time customer offer for the first three months only.
Speeds may slow about 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan.

Speaker 4 Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you really sped through that last part. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 4 that's all the bad news.

Speaker 4 Anyway,

Speaker 4 let's get back to the show.

Speaker 1 Alex,

Speaker 1 story number five.

Speaker 2 Story number five.

Speaker 2 I was fingering these two girls at a club,

Speaker 2 and then two other girls asked if I could finger them too.

Speaker 2 So I fingered four girls in the club.

Speaker 1 Damn, Sienna. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 God. There's one more sentence.
Oh, I know. I read ahead.
I'm so hard. God.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 I was 18 years old.

Speaker 1 Sienna.

Speaker 1 Sienna.

Speaker 1 Sienna.

Speaker 1 CNA!

Speaker 1 Four fingers!

Speaker 1 So you're saying that four different girls got double points.

Speaker 1 Sienna, tell us why this isn't you and tell us why this isn't.

Speaker 1 Just tell me the story. Let's go to the next.

Speaker 1 Everyone just write down an S to save time.

Speaker 1 We'll replace it with another story, but tell tell us this one. Tell us this one.
Santa, even if it's not you, tell us this story.

Speaker 1 Santa, not only is this your story, this was the same night as the first story. Yes.
Yes. Yeah.
Oh, you know what? I guess I'm puking rallied now that I think of it.

Speaker 1 Now, when you tell us a story, could you whisper it?

Speaker 1 This is the party where she got invited to the other party with the VIP Sex Club. This is how she found all those wedding rings she was talking about earlier.

Speaker 1 please.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, Sienna walked out of that sex party with like a Jordan on the cover of ESPN magazine, where he's got fucking all five rings on.

Speaker 1 That's why it's not here. He didn't want to smell the whole thing.

Speaker 1 It must be Sienna. We're going to get our voting in a second, but I will say, if it's not Sienna, whoever story this is, is a fucking jerk off.

Speaker 1 No, I was finger with these two girls. You know, these other two girls are.

Speaker 1 You sound like you asshole. So let me tell you something.
This could be Ralph.

Speaker 1 He doesn't understand tone. And he would tell us, like, so, you know, I was 18, so, you know, what are you going to do? You got to finger a lot of girls to club.

Speaker 1 What, you guys didn't do that? That's his energy. He goes, oh, you guys didn't.
You guys weren't fingering. Ralph regularly goes on vacation, like sex vacations with two or three models at a time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's fine.
That are legal age wherever he's tracking letters.

Speaker 1 I keep a document on me every state and country. Yeah, dude.
They're not legal at the airport here. JFK, it's a problem.

Speaker 1 But when you left. Albania.
Yeah, Albania, dude. House rules.

Speaker 1 Christ. Sienna, I mean, is this you talk to me here? It's literally not me.
It's truly not you. No, I don't do that.
You don't do that.

Speaker 1 That's not your business.

Speaker 1 What don't you do here?

Speaker 3 I just would never, like, fuck in public or, like, finger fuck around.

Speaker 1 She did say that earlier, that she would not have public.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She was also almost at a sex party.

Speaker 1 She was at a sex party. She just didn't.
You never made. You didn't say, I didn't go to the sex party.

Speaker 1 You said I never made it to the sex party.

Speaker 3 I got, well, I was at the sex party. I just didn't go into the VIP.

Speaker 3 But I think it's Shane.

Speaker 1 Because I feel like

Speaker 1 in what universe

Speaker 1 do you think at 18 years old, this guy was just like in here, like, oh, blasting away on chicks?

Speaker 3 I think that you would deceptively be like, oh, I'm fingering. Like, you guys are doing.

Speaker 1 Deceptively. Oh, I'm a sex criminal.
Deceptively. I wish I had a story of being 18 and fingering 14.

Speaker 1 That was so absurd. When I was 18 possibility.
When I was 18, I did finger a girl that was a four.

Speaker 1 Hey, Turkey.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? She

Speaker 1 got me for some reason.

Speaker 1 Shane gets us. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm white trash adjacent.

Speaker 1 Also, she said being 18 in a club, you have to be 21 to be in a club. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 Not if you're a hot chick. Not if you're a hot chick.
We're all just stalling because we don't want to come at the same time.

Speaker 1 We're all imagining us being girls at a club with Sienna right now. There's four of us.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 who do

Speaker 1 the only other person I think this could honestly be, I don't know Ralph that well,

Speaker 1 but this does seem like something that's pretty typical of somebody who who was raised in Philadelphia. So.

Speaker 1 Buddy, on my life, if this is my story, I couldn't have hit it this long. I would talk about this.
I'd leave with this.

Speaker 1 I'd go, yeah, turning 48 this year. Not like when I was 18 when I figured.

Speaker 1 It's your, I used to be able to dunk kind of.

Speaker 1 Nah, there wasn't video back then, though. Yeah, sorry, it's crazy.
Great chaos, though. I'm going Sienna with my hopes, dreams, and heart.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, if it's not Sienna, I'm just going to remember this as being Sienna the whole time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, whoever tells the story, I'm hearing it as Sienna.

Speaker 1 You must feel so lonely already. He can't even wait to find out.
He doesn't want to know it's not her.

Speaker 1 Everyone's in, Alex.

Speaker 2 Story number five belongs to

Speaker 2 Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 1 Yo.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right. Everyone be cool.

Speaker 1 Everyone be cool.

Speaker 1 Turn down the lights. Yeah.
If I could make a request, like, everyone be cool. Dish, bitch.

Speaker 1 Slowly. I'm like,

Speaker 3 so,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 3 I moved to New York when I was 17.

Speaker 3 So maybe I wasn't 18 here.

Speaker 3 And I was, I went to the club and I used to, you know, I was a model. So we would do like promoter dinners and stuff.
But a lot of the girls were like secretly gay.

Speaker 1 What did they look like?

Speaker 3 They were like beautiful.

Speaker 1 Like describe the first one in detail. The first one,

Speaker 3 she was a blonde.

Speaker 3 She looked like Candace Swannepool. Do you know the Victoria's Secret model?

Speaker 1 No, but sure.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so her and her friend, we were like started fingering each other. And then like two other girls were like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 Bummy, you left at the wrong time, bro.

Speaker 1 But she's telling it now.

Speaker 1 Oh, they're pipeing in a bathroom? We should all run to the bathroom right now. Wait, wait, don't tell anymore.
Don't tell anymore. Hold up.

Speaker 1 I'm going to yell out. Alex, tell her she can tell it now.

Speaker 1 Every dude in the audience just falls asleep.

Speaker 1 Oh, good. All right.

Speaker 1 So good. I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 we're sitting on a couch. Like, we're not even in private.

Speaker 1 Lucky couch.

Speaker 3 And me and these three girls are fingering, or two girls and me, and then two other girls come and they're like, what are you guys doing? And the girl's like, oh my God, we're fingering each other.

Speaker 1 And then we're like,

Speaker 1 oh, my God.

Speaker 3 This was like 2018. Literally, everyone's just like looking.
It's crazy. It was like the only time I've ever had like an orgy.

Speaker 1 So it was just six years ago. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Seven years.

Speaker 1 I was eight, eight. I'm 26.
Christ. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Holy shit, that story was hot. So was the methodology like chopsticks? Like, dan, dan, dan?

Speaker 3 No, no, no, it was like both hands.

Speaker 1 Can I ask why did you stop while it was? Oh, you did a Nixon?

Speaker 1 Double points!

Speaker 1 Yes!

Speaker 1 I am not a crook.

Speaker 1 Why did it stop? Like, what happened? What do you mean, why did you stop? Like, while in the midst of it all happening, everyone came, Ralph. They're women.
They know what they're doing.

Speaker 1 They finished.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 why did we stop?

Speaker 1 I mean, no, we we were we didn't stop when he was like kissing each other and feeling each other's pits.

Speaker 3 Literally having sex at the club, it was crazy, got undressed, Christ.

Speaker 1 Uh, well, under we had dresses on. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 And did they take your panties off or just pull them to the side? Just the side.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I love this.

Speaker 1 No one had a bush, right? No one had a bush. Oh, no.

Speaker 3 We were all freshly 18.

Speaker 1 Freshly 18.

Speaker 1 It's a great website. Is that what you named the video?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good God.

Speaker 1 The inside of my lip is bleeding.

Speaker 1 Good fuck.

Speaker 1 Ralph was DJing this club.

Speaker 1 Very possible. Sienna, can you just tell the story again?

Speaker 1 I just want to rehear it.

Speaker 1 Can you let Ralph smell your fingers while you tell it?

Speaker 1 What do we got? Five stories down. Alex, where are our points at?

Speaker 1 Who cares?

Speaker 1 You know what? Honestly, today we're goal winners.

Speaker 1 I need a cigarette and a sandwich.

Speaker 2 In last place with four points, but in first place in our hearts,

Speaker 2 Sienna Gubert-Ross.

Speaker 1 Don't be offended. The Sultan rises for no woman.

Speaker 1 It also would have been great if he was standing for a woman. Are you out of your mind? Every guy had an erection standing.

Speaker 2 In fourth place with seven points, Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 2 and still tied for the lead with 10 points each Luis J. Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, and Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 What a tight pussy those girls must have had.

Speaker 1 When I really think about it, hold on. Was it just one finger per pussy? No, two.
Oh!

Speaker 1 You double-dipped?

Speaker 1 My fingers are tiny. They are small.
Yeah. They are small fingers.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Small, tight little fingers.

Speaker 1 Your teeny, teeny fingers.

Speaker 1 Teeny, tiny pussy.

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Speaker 1 All right. Where were we? Alex, story number six.

Speaker 2 Story number six.

Speaker 2 The cops raided my house on Thanksgiving looking for drugs, and my uncle nearly had a heart attack and died.

Speaker 1 Now, this feels Shane Taurus. This seems like

Speaker 1 the cartel had his uncle fucking

Speaker 1 hemmed up.

Speaker 1 This is not me, first of all. I can promise you that.
I don't have any uncles.

Speaker 1 This feels like something traumatic from Lewis's childhood, honestly.

Speaker 1 Again, Lewis, if you'd never told me before about the cops raid on your house, I'm quitting the show.

Speaker 1 I mean, to be fair, Jay, I mean, we've been doing the show. We have 60 some odd episodes.
There's a lot of stories I haven't told you. But you know what? I would have told you this one.

Speaker 1 The cops raided your fucking house on Thanksgiving. They did not.
Would have come up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm also getting Shane Torres vibes.

Speaker 1 I grew up in Fort Worth, Texas. Yeah.
Fort Worth, Texas. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the southern border.
Close enough to the border. They're trying to get you back.
We're close enough to the border.

Speaker 1 We're closer to the Canadian border.

Speaker 1 Fort Worth is a nice town. Yeah, but that's my point.
It wouldn't. It's a boring ass town.
Yeah, but not your fucking wild, crazy ass uncle.

Speaker 3 Wait, so did the uncle not die, Lewis?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 No, he had a heart attack and died. Nearly, nearly had a heart attack.

Speaker 3 My uncle nearly had a heart attack and died.

Speaker 1 Isn't it crazy how no one thinks that's weird wording? Yeah, right. My uncle nearly had a heart attack

Speaker 1 and then he died.

Speaker 1 Then died, I would think. He goes, oh my God, that was a close heart attack.

Speaker 1 Holy shit, what was that heart? What was that from?

Speaker 1 Is it something different? It's crazy how no one thinks this is Sienna's story now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 look, it can easily be two stories in a row for Sienna, but she's already had two stories in a row. Yeah, and the story isn't even hot at all, except

Speaker 1 what did that uncle do? And also, if she would have said I was 18 when my uncle died, that's true.

Speaker 1 One time I was like fingering all these other hot shakes of Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 She was 18, and we were

Speaker 1 turkey. She was like a Thanksgiving party.
I was deep-throating the fucking turkey leg and just spitting it into this other hot bitch's mouth.

Speaker 1 She wrote her stories last night hung over, she said, so she just only could think about one weekend of her life.

Speaker 1 She goes, I don't know. That was that one crazy weekend that one year.
I'll tell those stories. I guess.
Let me tell you something about called the wishbone.

Speaker 1 Finger girls puked at a fuck club, and then Thanksgiving, Uncle Tommy got arrested.

Speaker 1 And then he got a heart, he almost had a heart attack, and then suddenly died.

Speaker 1 Ralph grew up with a fairly wealthy family, so there's just not drug raids at his house. No, it's Jewish money.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's all money, Jay. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Read the the news. And Shane's Shane Torres and Louis Jay Gomas are not Jewish.
And you definitely have drug-addicted uncles.

Speaker 1 Actually, I had a drug-addicted uncle also.

Speaker 1 Everyone has an uncle named Joe that's been in jail for drugs. Mine was Uncle Mark.
I'll tell you this: you don't finger four girls at the same time and not have a drug-addicted uncle. That is true.

Speaker 1 That's true. I learned it from watching you, Uncle Joe.

Speaker 1 Lewis, where did you grow up? I just learned how to figure all these girls. Uncle Joe,

Speaker 1 bottle service.

Speaker 1 I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is just an hour north of you. Shout out, Rockland County.
Shout out, Rockland County. Well, let's see.
Those guys are from what's Rockland County like?

Speaker 1 For me, it's between you two.

Speaker 1 It goes from like, it's very suburban. It goes from very, very nice, like here, areas like New City and Nyack, to very shitty where I grew up, which was West Havershore or the Spring Valley.

Speaker 1 Between the two Jewish parts that are nice. Nyack's not super Jewish.
Muncie.

Speaker 1 Muncie's super Jewish.

Speaker 1 Look at him like Muncie.

Speaker 1 It's too Jewish for those Jews. Yeah.

Speaker 1 West Havershire, is that what it is? West Haverstraw. Haverstraw.
West Havershire. Tell me about growing up.
It was a gnome. Listen, Lewis did have,

Speaker 1 I believe, I don't know if he, Lewis either had an uncle that was really good to him and really took care of, helped take care of him, or he was a drug-addicted piece of shit. I don't know.

Speaker 1 It was one of the two. You had an uncle.
I forget if he was good or not. Most of my uncles, most all of my uncles were bad.
One got chased.

Speaker 1 Fuck, this feel. I think this is shame, but this could be Lewis for sure.
This definitely feels like it's between you two for me, and you're not saying a lot. Big Jay, the only thing.

Speaker 1 Like, he's just not saying a lot about himself now. And every other time, he's like, I definitely haven't.

Speaker 1 They grew up outside of Philly. It would be bad.
It's super trashy. It was weird that I wouldn't have heard this story, but we've already, we figured this out in a meeting recently.

Speaker 1 We don't really listen to each other. It's true.
We don't. It turns out we proved that this morning.
It's crazy you guys are as successful as you are. You don't listen to it.
We never license.

Speaker 1 On Thanksgiving, seems to think, but Lewis did definitely have like an uncle that was a piece of shit. But yeah, I don't see him

Speaker 1 having a Thanksgiving dinner at his house.

Speaker 3 Hey, that's what I was thinking.

Speaker 1 Well, that is true. The guy comes over.
I just

Speaker 1 didn't know. What do you think I was doing on Thanksgiving? You would go to somebody.
Giving thanks for what? Your drug-addicted mother?

Speaker 1 Doubtful.

Speaker 1 She had problems. Jay, tell you grew up in the suburbs of Philly?

Speaker 1 I grew up in West Philadelphia until I was 17, then we moved to South Jersey. Because his mom fucked too many men in the neighborhood.
My mom didn't fucking

Speaker 1 fucked cops. She was a single mother trying to get away from her.
That's why they raided her house.

Speaker 1 Nobody ever was breaking into our house because my mom was one booty call away from a copy in there to beat that guy up and then stuff his cock in her mouth, probably.

Speaker 1 I was sleeping in my room.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 My mother was a nurse from Ireland, so this is not.

Speaker 1 A housewife from where? A nurse from Ireland. So

Speaker 1 this is less traumatic. This is not me.
Do you really not have any uncles? No.

Speaker 1 But he still has a lot. Well, no,

Speaker 1 my dad had one, but he died. Your dad had a headache.
He died on Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 No, he had a heart attack.

Speaker 1 He nearly had a heart attack, and then years later died of all. Put all that butter in the mac and cheese.
Fuck it, dude. I'm dying on the hill.
What a dumbass. I'll die on the hill.
Okay, dumbass.

Speaker 1 I think it's Lewis, too.

Speaker 1 You guys are all going to give Shane lots of fucking votes here. It's fine.

Speaker 1 I like Shane.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Jay. I like you too, Jay.

Speaker 1 Shane was too quick to say, I have no uncles. I don't believe it.

Speaker 1 He lied. He did lie.
He does. Thank you.
Thank you. That's what this whole fucking show is.

Speaker 1 Are they getting mad at you for it? How the fuck could you lie to me?

Speaker 1 I thought we were friends. I've been good to you.

Speaker 1 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 2 Story number six belongs to Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Was this your brother's father or your brother's, your father's brother, or were you lying about your amount of uncles? No, I have a, I had a... I have a

Speaker 1 73 uncles. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, I have

Speaker 1 said my mom was a nurse from Iowa. She'd been like, he's like at 40 uncles.
One of them. I had torrest.
Bottomless uncles.

Speaker 1 Bottomless uncles. Did he die from the heart attack?

Speaker 1 Well, he died from a heart attack. Is your mother even Irish? Jesus.
Yeah, my mother was from Ireland. And my brothers were drug dealers.
And there were a lot of trouble in the neighborhood.

Speaker 1 They were always like breaking into shit. And then, like, so like one of our neighbors' car got broken into, and they just assumed it was somebody at our house.
And

Speaker 1 which was like fair. You know, like, I was like, yeah, can't assume for slander.
Well, probably. But

Speaker 1 my uncle, who was a priest, had come over to celebrate the holidays with us. And cops showed up.
And my mom is from a village of like 800 people. So

Speaker 1 they don't have these kind of problems. They're always like, oh, it's so lovely to see you.

Speaker 1 And like the cops showed up and they were like knocking on the banging on the door. Oh, it's the policeman.
Let's open it at the minute. Wow, we feed them.
That's nice.

Speaker 1 And they fucking, they came in and they were like, there was car broken into, and and, you know, like, we've been here a thousand. They've been to the house so many times.

Speaker 1 So, and they were just cop banging on the door. And my uncle, who was a priest, just a priest.
Because,

Speaker 1 in his heart story. This is your mother's brother? Yeah, yeah.
And my mom had to take him to the hospital. And, yeah.
And he didn't die, but he was like, yeah, he died of a heart attack later.

Speaker 1 From drugs.

Speaker 1 It was the drug. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Son of a bitch. Yeah, so that was a very memorable Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 Shane just took a nice lead, I think.

Speaker 1 Shane might have

Speaker 1 tied. I don't know.
Alex, where are our points at? Six stories down.

Speaker 2 All right, in last place with four points, Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 1 Sienna, you've caused many more points than that tonight.

Speaker 2 In fourth place with 10 points,

Speaker 2 Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't even give anybody a boner in here. This hurts worse.
What did I tell you guys about that first round not mattering? Good, Alex. Dude, that's fucking shitty.

Speaker 1 That's shitty.

Speaker 2 In third place with 11 points, Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 2 And tied for the lead with 14 points each. Luis J.
Gomez and Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 That.

Speaker 1 It is still anybody's game, folks. You're an ass.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, it's probably not Sienna's game, folks.

Speaker 1 Sienna. I mean, I think she's the best stories.
It would have to go crazy for you to win right now. It's possible, though.
She can win.

Speaker 3 No, I'm playing it late, like, nah, I'm going to come back.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 She said, come. Go ahead, Alex.

Speaker 1 She said back.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. She fingers so much.

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Speaker 1 Alex,

Speaker 1 story number seven.

Speaker 1 Story number seven.

Speaker 2 I almost lost my toe because I was high on painkillers after an operation and didn't realize that it was wrapped wrong. It wasn't even the toe that was operated on.

Speaker 1 I don't even.

Speaker 1 This makes no sense to me.

Speaker 1 Can you read it again, Alex?

Speaker 1 I read I lost my toe and I was like, all right, diabetes, big J.

Speaker 1 For real. Haha.

Speaker 1 What if I die from that?

Speaker 1 This is, Alex, read it again so everyone hears how discombobulated this is.

Speaker 2 I almost lost my toe because I was high on painkillers after an operation and didn't realize that it was wrapped wrong. It wasn't even the toe that was operated on.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 they so the story is they didn't lose their toe.

Speaker 1 No. Just like he didn't lose his uncle.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't think Jay's ever had a toe operation or a foot operation.
I think it's Ralph. Ralph, he does have giant freaky feet.
Ralph's also Jewish enough. He's had lots of operations.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say something a little weird here. Please.
I know who this is.

Speaker 1 I believe it to be Lewis. I had a throat surgery a couple years ago.
Remember that? When I had throat surgery? And Jay told me this story on the air. So I don't know if that's illegal.

Speaker 1 Do you think this is true? I remember this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Is that against...
Well, now this has to be Ralph. That's crazy.
This certainly isn't me.

Speaker 1 I've never had an opportunity. You guys don't listen to each other, but I remember that.
When I had the surgery, I had throat surgery. I'm throwing a bomb right now and calling this Ralph.

Speaker 1 If he's playing a great game now,

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's illegal. I don't know if it's illegal that I know it.

Speaker 1 no it's not it's not illegal but i mean you probably shouldn't have if if everyone votes for jay now you just wasted your round i'm sorry everybody vote for jay

Speaker 1 i'm sorry everybody vote for jay i don't know what the fuck ralph is talking about please

Speaker 1 i have no idea

Speaker 1 i have no idea vote for jay like lewis you guys i believe that ralph is not playing the game i think big jay just got caught repeating a story to one of his friends and that's that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Speaker 1 Jay just got butt fucked by Ralph.

Speaker 1 Did I know? Did I know if Ralph?

Speaker 1 Someone cleaned house. It and Ralph will do well here, regardless.
But someone, this is not. Oh, go ahead, Alex.

Speaker 1 Jay's falling apart.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, dude, if it's not you, I'm so pissed. Alex.
Alex.

Speaker 2 Story number seven

Speaker 2 belongs to Ralph.

Speaker 1 Really well done. Literally

Speaker 1 one of the best plays.

Speaker 1 That is insane, Ralph. Thank you.
Well played. You've been watching the game.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I had a big toe operation. There's nothing funny when it's not you for sure.
And Lewis is going like, chase for you now right now.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm not. I'm not even mildly worried.

Speaker 1 I had an operation on my big toe, and they wrapped my foot wrong. And after I came off the painkills, I'm like, the other side of my foot's killing me.
It's not where I got the operation.

Speaker 1 And they undid the bang. Each time they did it, it felt better and felt better.
My little toe was black because they tied it too tight. And then they had to massage my big, little tiny toe

Speaker 1 for like an hour or two to get blood back into it. And it still doesn't really move right.
Like they fucked up my little toe. You saw up a dead toe.

Speaker 1 I mean, that was such a high-level play.

Speaker 3 I knew it was him because he was silent, but he was thinking about what he was going to do to hit you.

Speaker 1 That was an extremely high-level play. He's number one on Sports Center.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know if this is legal.

Speaker 1 He cooked you guys. I watched him cook you.
Oh, my God. That's crazy.
That was crazy. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, I think Ralph just took the lead. Alex, where are our points at? Seven sore is down.
This is crazy. All right.
What a game.

Speaker 2 In last place with four points. Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 1 Respectable. No.
Shut up. She's great.

Speaker 1 Shut up. She's great.

Speaker 1 Sandra's just gonna be on every week now.

Speaker 1 All of our stories are like pain and ailments, and she's just like, oh my god, I was fingering these chicks. And we're just like, my back hurts.

Speaker 1 We're gonna make her third regular on the show, and then every week our story is gonna be like, Times You've Been Cummed In.

Speaker 1 Today's topic is Times You've Been Cummed in.

Speaker 1 Hottest places you suck cock.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Continue.

Speaker 2 Tied for second place with 14 points each. Louis J.
Gomez, Big Jay Okerson, and Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 And now in the lead with 17 points, Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 1 Ralph,

Speaker 1 I don't know if you're doing the math along, but that fucking score Shake Up was brought to you exclusively by Double Point.

Speaker 1 Get out of here, lady. Get out of here.

Speaker 1 We have one more story. We do, because everyone's dying to take home Sing You Home.
It's a novel about love, conviction, and the families we build through strength and choice.

Speaker 1 Jody Picolt turned Zoe's fight over her frozen embryos into a story about compassion and resilience.

Speaker 1 It reminds us that even when life delivers heartbreak, people can still find harmony and even create something beautiful out of loss.

Speaker 1 See you home.

Speaker 1 Jodi Picolt, it's all on the line. Sienna's already texting somebody else for next plan, for different plans.

Speaker 1 She's emotionally and physically removed from the game.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Story number eight.

Speaker 1 Story number eight.

Speaker 2 A one-night stand asked me to punch them in the face during sex.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't. I didn't, but I should have.

Speaker 1 This has got Lewis written all over it. No, Lewis would have a punch.

Speaker 1 Lewis a punch. She would even ask, it's our punch.
She's like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I thought you wanted this. He goes, oh, your body was telling me yes.

Speaker 1 One night stand, punch him in the face. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Couldn't be Sienna again. That would be just too hot.
She is cracking her knuckles underneath the table.

Speaker 1 Oh, I remember that cocksucker.

Speaker 1 I mean, it couldn't be Ralph. If Ralph punched a woman in the face, he would mash her head in.

Speaker 1 But it said they didn't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they would never ask me to. Let's be honest.
I guess that's true. You are gigantic.
Jason?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. You don't think I'd fucking hurt a woman by punching her? No, I don't.
I really don't think you would. We don't think you have the ability.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I think it's you.

Speaker 3 Why? Because of, like, I wouldn't, I didn't, but I should have.

Speaker 1 It is, it is, it is written in a funny, whimsical way, which is a little bit of a J Tail. Yeah.
There's always a curse of being so wildly hilarious.

Speaker 1 Whenever something's funny, they just assume it's me.

Speaker 1 It is nice, no one thinks it's me.

Speaker 1 I don't know who it is yet. I don't think everyone said Sienna right away.
I don't think it's Sienna.

Speaker 1 A guy wants to, I guess, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why should they have, though?

Speaker 1 Hmm. Hmm.

Speaker 1 If it said party or club.

Speaker 1 18 years old. Oh, yeah.
18 years old. One time I was 18, I had a one-night sand with six hot fucking models.
Yeah. I think it's either Shane or Jay.
I know it's back-to-back, but Ralph

Speaker 1 has a lot of one-night stands.

Speaker 1 Maybe in a one-night stand guy. No, Ralph is a wine-and-dine-a-bitch guy, and then he wears...

Speaker 1 Yeah, he wears condoms every time.

Speaker 1 You think one-night stand means... Yeah, you don't put them over your hand.

Speaker 1 You think one-night straight Mandel?

Speaker 1 You're an entertainment, so you think one-night stand involves like, hey, nice to meet you. Come over and let's fuck.
Ralph does does the wine done, but they're one-night stands. Plenty.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Ralph, no, Ralph plays a slow game with these girls because Ralph dates obnoxiously beautiful women. Like, they're really beautiful.
And he's such a monster. You're like, how does this even happen?

Speaker 1 But Ralph will play it out for like a year. And he's because they're from the world.
He's unemotional. He's unemotional about it.
Like, he will just, like, over a year, just whittle them down.

Speaker 1 And then eventually, the years have passed, and he's just got a different hot chick every night that he's been whittling for years. Yeah, whittling.
Yes, that is correct.

Speaker 1 My thought process on Ralph is that

Speaker 1 I wouldn't,

Speaker 1 I didn't, but I should have makes me feel like, because the women you date are also not just foreign, but dumb as a door name. They have to be.

Speaker 1 They are. And they're really, it's like you probably just should have because they wouldn't even have known what was happening.

Speaker 1 I'm not a big one-night stand guy. Haven't had many in my life.
You

Speaker 1 haven't either. Are you a big one-night stand guy? No.

Speaker 1 I also, by the way,

Speaker 1 I would never.

Speaker 1 I think the term one-night stand is a strange term. I don't think it's used.

Speaker 1 It's an older term. So that's why it could be Ralph or Jay.
These guys are both old as fuck. You're old.
They're so old.

Speaker 1 Am I in my early 40s? You're almost 50 years old. This is ridiculous.
You're old to be a fan. Sienna, isn't that gross? That's ridiculous.
Isn't that gross how old he is?

Speaker 1 You're old to be a father of a 12-year-old. She fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but women think that's hot. Sienna,

Speaker 1 isn't 47 the grossest age for a man? Yeah. Shane, are you single, Shane? Am I single? Yeah, I am single.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 1 It's Jay for sure. It's either Jay or Shane because it's for sure.

Speaker 3 No, the way it's written is your voice. Man, holy shit.
I wouldn't. I didn't, but I should have.

Speaker 1 I know I laughed when I read it. It just made me think about it.
It does have a little great.

Speaker 1 Some other genius decided to write as funny as me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I'm getting big J vibes. Ralph, who you voted for? If it was Lewis, I'm on the fence for Jay or Shane right now.
I'm just trying to think about it.

Speaker 1 I think if it was Lewis, it would be a bunch of different letters cut out of magazines.

Speaker 1 It's all just a letter. What do you go with?

Speaker 1 You went with Jay?

Speaker 1 She's locked in at Jay. She's locked in.
I'm thinking, I'm thinking, Shane. Shane, have you had a lot of one-night stands, Shane? I've had my favorite.
You're a road dog.

Speaker 1 You've been on the road a long time. Yeah, yeah.
He has a shirt that says punchline on it and punches in there.

Speaker 1 That's right. He has the sister gloves to hoodie on.
Yeah, cob. You don't cob a bitch.
You punch her. Shane, that's what Sienna does.

Speaker 1 Shane, how old are you? Sienna cobbed a couple of bitches at party.

Speaker 1 I'm 43.

Speaker 1 I'm also 43.

Speaker 1 Actually, I'm 44. My birthday was Saturday.
I'm 44. Happy birthday, Shane.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Are you texting that it was my birthday to someone? Maybe it was Shane. I'm thinking it might be Shane.
I think it's Shane. I don't know why that exchange.
Happy birthday punch in the face.

Speaker 1 It's Shane.

Speaker 1 I only said that to trick you guys into voting for Shane. I deeply believe it's it's Big Jay.

Speaker 1 And if it is Big Jay, I'm the winner. That was me playing the game.
Yeah, but you have four. Yeah, you're...

Speaker 1 You scored. You didn't win.
No, you were.

Speaker 1 Did you vote already? I'm saying Jay. Did you vote already, though? Yeah, he's in.
You did. You put Ralph in and you removed your hand.
No, I didn't. You sure? I am 100% sure.
Fuck!

Speaker 1 Fuck. We're going to be tied because of the best.
Yeah, but we have a tiebreaker as well. Unless it's Shane.
You guys are going to feel stupid when it's not me. Alex, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Story number eight belongs to Big J. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was me.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit, that was me. Can I tell you something? When I was writing this in my phone, sending it to Alex, I said, I'm writing this too goddamn funny.

Speaker 1 I said, they're going to know because it's written so clever. So, and the timing and the rhythm.
Who was this chick?

Speaker 1 It was a server at

Speaker 1 Dr. Grin's Comedy Club.

Speaker 1 Grand Rapids. Grand Rapids, Michigan.
And the first night she came back to my room, she was mega-aggressive, which is the reason it even probably happened in the first place. Gorgeous.

Speaker 1 She was an MMA fighter.

Speaker 1 But she was so pretty, I couldn't believe it. It was Betsy DeVos.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 we started hooking up, and she goes, hit me in the face.

Speaker 1 And so I was like, I gave her like the smallest, like,

Speaker 1 and she was like, she goes, no, no, really hit me. And so I went, a little more.
And she goes, no, I want you to like punch me in the face. And I went, oh, you got the wrong guy.

Speaker 1 She's like, no way. You're wearing nail polish and pink bracelets.
You don't like to hit bitches.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 we finished and she left. The next day, she came to work

Speaker 1 whacked out on pills. They had to call an ambulance to remove her from the club.
And when she came in all fucked up on those pills, which I assume was because she felt humiliated by fucking me,

Speaker 1 the office where they had her sitting waiting for the ambulance is just attached to the green room. Yeah, there's a room.

Speaker 1 It's a coat room.

Speaker 1 It's like where the waitresses put their purses and shit. So I'm just sitting there, and she's like flopped in a chair, and they keep coming in to check her pulse and shit.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, Did somebody punch this woman last night?

Speaker 1 He goes, Someone do a rape kid on her. I go, No, no, no, no, that was from yesterday.

Speaker 1 That was, and she wanted to.

Speaker 1 The club does something called Consensual Fridays.

Speaker 1 Oh, Grand Rapids.

Speaker 1 I'm sure that girl's dead.

Speaker 1 Why would she have been that aggressive with me?

Speaker 1 Hit me in the face? What's wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Alex, where are our points at? Eight stories down. I think I know we do have a tie, but give us the final, give us the actual

Speaker 1 points. All right.

Speaker 2 In last place with eight points, Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 2 In fourth place,

Speaker 2 in fourth place with 16 points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 1 Why don't you cheer for me, lady? You just want Sienna to finger fuck you after the show?

Speaker 1 Sienna, get over there and finger fuck that chick room, would you please?

Speaker 1 We make dreams come true here.

Speaker 1 That's funny. Alex?

Speaker 2 In third place with 17 17 points, Ralph Sutton.

Speaker 2 And tied for the lead, going into overtime with 18 points each. Louis J.
Gomez and Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 So, Shane, going to deep waters. I'll tell you how the tiebreaker works.
One more round. It's only going to be one of these three-person stories.
It's not going to be either of our stories.

Speaker 1 What we have to do first is we have to secretly,

Speaker 1 you have to

Speaker 1 wager some of your points out of 18 points. You can wager zero, you can wager 18, anywhere in between.
And then we vote after they read the story. Okay.

Speaker 1 Like Jeopardy. Thank you.
Yes, this show is just like Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 It has the tone of Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 It has a price is right on Tuesday afternoon crowd.

Speaker 1 Double Jeopardy is sort of like double points.

Speaker 1 So explain it one more time. You have to secretly wager an amount of your points out of 18 points.
Okay. And then it's going to be one of these three people's stories, and it's the final story.

Speaker 1 Okay. So you have to write it down.
I'm just like playing it in my head. I'm going to go down there.
Write it down on the back of your board. Don't really know it.
Don't show anything. Yeah, yeah.
But

Speaker 1 secretly.

Speaker 1 Away from Lewis.

Speaker 1 Secretly.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a crazy number.

Speaker 1 You guys be cool.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, just her. Puerto Ricans, chill.

Speaker 1 Just Shane and Lewis. Did you already put your? I did.
I waited.

Speaker 1 It's right here.

Speaker 1 Alex. Don't let anyone see it.
Our overtime story.

Speaker 1 Story number nine.

Speaker 2 The only time I purchased cocaine was because a girl wanted to snort it off my body.

Speaker 1 It has to be.

Speaker 1 I'm so lightheaded.

Speaker 1 Light as a feather, Jesus Christ. Same weekend.

Speaker 1 Is anyone else sweating?

Speaker 1 That one crazy Tuesday night when she was 18.

Speaker 1 She lived a thousand lifetimes in that night.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I could see someone wanting to sip cocaine off of Jay or Ralph.

Speaker 1 It'd be, I'll tell you what, it'd be a lot of cocaine.

Speaker 1 Not if it was your dick, it'd be a little tiny bump. Oh, you fuck.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you coming at me like that for? I hope you win.

Speaker 1 There was a kilo in my navel.

Speaker 1 See, Ralph is not a drug guy. This could easily be Ralph.
I don't think he's really ever purchased. I mean, maybe,

Speaker 1 if I've ever seen you purchase cocaine, it would be for some fucking chick. And maybe the idea was to snort it off your dick.
Ralph has to have a fucking hammer between his legs.

Speaker 1 It's got to be massive. It's Ralph.

Speaker 1 You think it's Ralph?

Speaker 3 Because I don't do drugs, and Shane grew up with drugs.

Speaker 1 Thank you for that.

Speaker 1 We're not not allowed to drugs. Yeah, you didn't say you do drugs.
We're not allowed to do it.

Speaker 3 I would never buy drugs.

Speaker 1 A girl buying drugs is the thing that's a little story. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's for sure not you because like just coke. But maybe you were a lesbian at one time in your life, so you and you played the dude role, I've heard.
Oh, yeah, maybe when you were a power top.

Speaker 1 I would still never purchase drugs. She would literally just be like, hey, can I get some free cocaine? Exactly.
Like, eight guys, oh,

Speaker 1 this girl's going to snort off my body. He goes, yeah, I'll use whatever.

Speaker 1 you can have some

Speaker 1 if either of you don't say Sienna it's insane I'll just say that I don't do we get to vote too or no you don't get to vote and you're you're already out it's really just between me and Shane at this point

Speaker 1 I just like but it could be Big J because I but I see him having purchased cocaine more than once no no no big Jay's not a coke guy he's only done it a couple times but he's done it a couple times he never purchased it no those couple times are I don't I'm not listening to you oh yeah I'm I'm playing the game poorly right now i should be playing against you but well i still have no idea how many points you wagered that this yeah

Speaker 1 are you sure it wasn't you yeah

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 no the more i'm thinking about it it could be anybody on this panel i know these two very well i know they do not buy cocaine but if there was a chick that wanted to do cocaine you better believe they were going to call for cocaine i don't know where to get cocaine you know and it's me and you never called me for it so i don't think it's you

Speaker 1 i wouldn't have thought of you to go to get cocaine is that who I would have called? I would call me. Oh,

Speaker 1 the only time I ever purchased cocaine was on SDR to do it on SDR. Oh, you did cocaine once.

Speaker 1 And I didn't do it. You didn't do it.
We did a drug a year, six years in a row, and I bought those drugs, but it's the only time ever. If you guys don't both pick her, you're nuts.

Speaker 1 My nuts are full.

Speaker 1 Mine aren't.

Speaker 1 Mine aren't. Sorry, G-Mike, about under the table.

Speaker 1 Shane had a nocturnal emission.

Speaker 1 Fuck, man, this could be anybody. We have to end the show, though.
So we got to get a vote going here. It's not Cena because I don't think she would buy cocaine, truly.
But she doesn't.

Speaker 1 The only time, not the first time, the only time. That's what I'm saying.
Okay, to point out that it's why would it... The only time ever.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 We should make this a rule, too, where we secretly vote. We don't tell the other person.
Let's change the rules right now.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a vibe on this one. I don't know why.
I don't know where it's coming from. But my vote is for Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 1 You know what? I'm playing for the win. I'm going to say it's Ralph.
Ooh, if it's Sienna, you dirty little bitch.

Speaker 1 You minks.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to hear this story.

Speaker 1 Shane votes for Ralph. I vote for Big Jay.
Alex, whose story was story number nine? Story number nine belongs to

Speaker 1 Big J.

Speaker 1 And just to make it clear, I have so much confidence in myself that I put down 18 points. All 18 points.

Speaker 1 This is so embarrassing. I went 17 points.

Speaker 1 Oh, God damn it. Way to drop the ball on the goal line.

Speaker 1 I think, Torres, you have the official lowest score in Star Wars history now with one point.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I risked it all.

Speaker 1 Big J, tell the story, please. It was the goddaughter of the guy who booked Caroline's Comedy Club,

Speaker 1 which is now a ping-pong bar owned by Susan Sarandon. Indeed.
That's why this is safe.

Speaker 1 She was definitely a drugs chick. I was not.
She said she wanted to do Coke Off My Dick.

Speaker 1 I said, Well, then I'll get it for sure.

Speaker 1 And then I got it, Lewis.

Speaker 1 $3 worth of Coke.

Speaker 1 Yeah. To lent.

Speaker 1 You knew.

Speaker 1 According to your joke, she did Coke Off My Dick and then was like, I think I'm going to do some ketamine too.

Speaker 1 It wasn't enough.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then she had hepatitis C and asked me to fuck her in the butt.

Speaker 1 Alex, give us our our final scores.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 In last place

Speaker 1 with one point,

Speaker 2 Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 Thank your lucky stars. I'm here, Sienna.

Speaker 2 In fourth place with eight points, Sienna Hubert Ross.

Speaker 2 In third place with with 16 points, Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 2 Second place scored 17 points, and your winner tonight with 36 points.

Speaker 2 The highest score

Speaker 2 The highest score of any game that did not involve septuple points.

Speaker 1 Louis J. Gomez.
Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1 Lewis,

Speaker 1 your winner this week.

Speaker 1 Let's get a big round of applause for our entire panel: the great Ralph Sutton, Sienna Hubert Ross, Shane Torres.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you guys so much for being here. We'll catch you next week, right here on Story Wars.
Until then, everybody, peace.

Speaker 1 Thank you.