065. Sal Vulcano, Mike Recine, Hormoz Rashidi | Darkness

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Speaker 1 You're like, did I get fucking taken last night?

Speaker 1 Again, I got taken again.

Speaker 1 That's a life. I'm getting my ass beaten.
They're getting their ass eaten. Don't tell me that's not a better way to get punished.

Speaker 1 Don't get out. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Stop it. Give me my privacy.

Speaker 1 ladies and gentlemen, Lewis Jay Goldman.

Speaker 1 What's going on, motherfuckers?

Speaker 1 Hey, Story Warriors. Before we start the show, I want to let you know that we have some brand new merch at storywarsmerch.com.

Speaker 1 The website's up and running, and everything is in stock, including the logo shirt, the Story Warriors shirt, and of course, our very, very popular double points shirt. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We got some more hoodies coming soon to get ready for the fall. Do not forget we're doing a special meet and greet at Skank Fest exclusively for fans who come in their official merch.
So do not delay.

Speaker 1 Head on over to storywarsmerch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love.

Speaker 1 What's going on, Story Warriors? If you love Story Wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7.45 p.m.

Speaker 1 to be a part of the show. Don't be a piece of shit.
Just get your tickets and come. It's fun, Buck Face.
New York Comedy Club.com.

Speaker 1 Fill her up.

Speaker 1 You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars

Speaker 1 with the Story Warriors, Pick Jay Oakerson, and Lewis, Jay Gomez.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 what is up? Welcome to Story Wars and our brand new home, you dumb bitch.

Speaker 1 At our new home, the New York Comedy Club. Make some fucking noise in here for me, will you, New York?

Speaker 1 Another amazing sold-out show. We are celebrating Halloween here this week on Story Wars.
Happy Halloween

Speaker 1 Spooky. We always asked of all of our sold-out crowds here at the New York Comedy Club, how many people are familiar with the game Story Wars?

Speaker 1 And who here is not familiar with the game Story Wars?

Speaker 1 I don't know who said that, but I imagine it's being an old lady Boo.

Speaker 1 Boo. Boo.

Speaker 1 Boo, that man. Okay, not many people.
You guys will get into it. You'll understand the game pretty quickly.
But we have a pretty amazing panel, Jay. Do you want to get this panel started? I

Speaker 1 will get this panel started, everybody. Our first guest coming to the stage, he's got a podcast called Racine Time.
He's got a special called I'm Normal available right now on YouTube.

Speaker 1 How about it for the hilarious Mike Racine in the house?

Speaker 1 Mike Racine is a returning Story Wars competitor. Did not win last time.
Have you been practicing at home, Mike? I came in last place last time.

Speaker 1 It was really humiliating. And I've thought about it every single day.
Good. Oh, you think about it less if it happened every week, like it does to me.

Speaker 1 I've learned to just move on from it and I walk away. I leave it all right here on the stage.

Speaker 1 Well, I wish you luck, Mike. Hopefully, you will not get in last place tonight.

Speaker 1 Your next competitor, making his Story Wars debut from the Dogs of Brown Town podcast and a regular at the comedy store in from LA. Clap and apples.
That was good for Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 1 And last but not least, our third and final contestant, everyone. He's got a stand-up special called Terrified available right now on Max.
Also, you might know him from the Impractical Jokers.

Speaker 1 How about it? For the hilarious Sal Volcano, everyone.

Speaker 1 Now, Sal is a returning Story Wars competitor and a former Story Wars winner. So you are a Story Warrior, Sal, returning to defend his title.
It's a big deal.

Speaker 1 All right, we're happy to have you back, my friend.

Speaker 1 Why were you guys more excited to see Sal than anybody else?

Speaker 1 What was that about? You all look like you could be named Sal.

Speaker 1 The three Sals.

Speaker 1 If you are unfamiliar with the game Story Wars, your first time listening at home, it's a very easy game.

Speaker 1 Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, Lewis?

Speaker 1 Darkness. Darkness.

Speaker 1 Darkness.

Speaker 1 I got that pumpkin in there. Oh, is that a pumpkin? I thought it was cherries or like a double foot.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the hell it was, quite honestly. Look at one of those.
Maraschino cherries.

Speaker 1 It also, it looks like the

Speaker 1 profile of like when you make a peanut butter cookie with a Hershey kiss in it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jay's fat kid is showing.

Speaker 1 You drew it.

Speaker 1 I never understood those cookies. Really? Yeah, because you don't get the kiss, the Hershey kiss with all the bites.
It's true.

Speaker 1 I'm going home.

Speaker 1 But it makes for an explosive ending. I guess, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It does. Oh, okay.
You always just hurt you. You just

Speaker 1 always keep your eyes on the next one the way I do. But

Speaker 1 I have a different kind of relationship with food, I think.

Speaker 1 We've all submitted three to five stories on Darkness.

Speaker 1 Our lovely producer, Alex, is going to read those stories off, eight of them, in fact, one at a time, and we will see it right here on the screen.

Speaker 1 If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to fool everybody on the panel that it's not your story.
If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

Speaker 1 Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point.
So if it's your story, you have the opportunity to get four points.

Speaker 1 It's a very big opportunity, folks. Once you write the person's name, your vote on the dry erase board, put it in the slot, remove your hand.
That is your final answer. You can't change your answer.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you right now, now, folks, we're playing for fun. It's always a lot of fun.
This is going to be the most fun you've had this Halloween, but we're not just playing for fun, Jay.

Speaker 1 Let them know what we're playing for today.

Speaker 1 That last shot was rough.

Speaker 1 Every week here on Story Wars, we are playing for a book out of the Story Wars library. Tonight's book, The Winner is Going Home: How to Love a Black Man

Speaker 1 by Dr. Ron with two N's.

Speaker 1 Ron Ron Elmore. It's written by my son's mother.

Speaker 1 How to love a black man is a straightforward guide. Don't need it.

Speaker 1 I know how.

Speaker 1 It's a straightforward guide for women to seeking a built, strong, loving relationships with black men. Dr.

Speaker 1 Elmore, a seasoned counselor, helps women truly understand what black men are thinking and feeling, which is often kept private. He offers hope

Speaker 1 that a deeply satisfying love is absolutely possible when both people commit to learning and communicating.

Speaker 1 How to love a black man.

Speaker 1 I see a few gals in the crowd who look like they really want that book right now.

Speaker 1 I think everyone that's going to understand the game understands it. And I think we're ready to start this thing.
Is this crowd ready for war?

Speaker 1 Come on!

Speaker 1 I said, is this crowd ready for war?

Speaker 1 Sounds like a bunch of seals.

Speaker 1 Then without any further ado, Alex,

Speaker 1 story number one.

Speaker 3 Story number one.

Speaker 3 After a friend's death, I told a mutual friend that he was still alive.

Speaker 3 I had to call back and explain that our friend had actually died.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Hormos, I don't know your background. I know your name is Hormos, which sounds Mexican, but your last name is Rashidi, which sounds Arab.

Speaker 1 Iranian. I'm wondering if it's an Iranian.
You're 100% Hormos is an Iranian name. Iranian, yeah.
That's the most Mexican-sounding Iranian name I've ever heard. That would be Ormos.
Ormos.

Speaker 1 Which is really.

Speaker 1 So, this is what I'm saying. Like, I'm assuming you have a lot of friends that have been

Speaker 1 blown up.

Speaker 1 And that happens so often that you get confused and you're like, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Rashid is alive.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, he's dead. I fucked up.

Speaker 1 No, that does sound like it could be me. I have lost so many people in wars.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But no, that's not me for sure.

Speaker 1 Why would I tell somebody that's a crazy thing to do, is tell somebody that somebody's alive when they're dead? Yeah, I'm definitely not denying your excuses right now. All right.

Speaker 1 You seem like you're panicking a little bit. Write me down.
You'll be wrong.

Speaker 1 I definitely would never do that. I don't really know everybody that well.
I don't think Sal

Speaker 1 would do it. I don't think Mike.
I don't know. I think it's one of you two, honestly.

Speaker 1 No, I do remember

Speaker 1 when poor William Stevenson, comedian, died, Sal, I found out, and Sal texted me. He said, Did you hear about William Stevenson? And I went, Oh, no, is he near you, though?

Speaker 1 Because he owes me like 700 bucks. And like, if you wouldn't mind just nudging him for me and just tell him

Speaker 1 about that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, if you would just hold him there, because I'm going to come there and beat the shit out of him, actually, because he owes me money. He's been fucking with me.
So don't let him leave.

Speaker 1 Jay, dot, dot, dot.

Speaker 1 He's passed.

Speaker 1 I could see Lewis doing this.

Speaker 1 I could only see Lewis doing this. Yeah, Lewis is the guy who goes 100%

Speaker 1 without any fail. And then it would be like, oh, I was actually 100% wrong.
Lewis does kind of over-promise. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So he'd be like, oh, yeah, he's alive, but he's alive, buddy.

Speaker 1 Over-promise and under-deliver. He's really dead.

Speaker 1 He's not just dead. This guy is a fucking miss.
He was murdered aggressively.

Speaker 1 I mean, Sal, Sal, you know, Sal's a silly, fun guy.

Speaker 1 Full of blunders, full of wonder, full of joy. Yeah, that's a good way.
That's a nice description.

Speaker 1 And also, maybe he was talking to one of his friends through his headsets, and the connection got fucked up, and they misheard. That could have been one of the things as well.

Speaker 1 Sal, tell that guy his mother's dead.

Speaker 1 Oh, actually, tell him, no, she's alive, and then swear. Fuck, I just found out she actually died.
Unrelated to the impractical joke.

Speaker 1 I like your train of thought, Lewis, now that I one man showed it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If nothing else, this is a dark story. This is Lewis, I think, and this is why, I think, because he went on the offensive against me right away

Speaker 1 to try to deflect. You're part of a terrorist cell.

Speaker 1 He does. The best defense is an offense.
USA. USA.
USA. Yeah, I don't know if you know Lewis also.

Speaker 1 Lewis also has a yellow belt and Cobra Kai.

Speaker 1 He strike first, strike hard, no mercy.

Speaker 1 Did the story say that the person intentionally did that or that it was an accident? Either way, it's still Lewis, right?

Speaker 1 On purpose, on accident. Intention means a lot.
I mean, if someone did that as a goof, that's not funny. But if they accidentally got misinformation, then that a correct it.

Speaker 1 It could have happened to anyone. So that's why.

Speaker 1 I agree it could happen to anyone, but the person who would have to call back and explain that the friend actually died is because they, like we said, over-guaranteed

Speaker 1 the person was very alive. Here's what you have to understand about me and my friends.
We don't die.

Speaker 1 We multiply. We multiply.

Speaker 1 We're like baby as kids. I mean, it's never the obvious person, which makes me think it's not Lewis.
You'd be surprised. One time the story was, my father was stabbed,

Speaker 1 and we all didn't pick Lewis because it was too obvious.

Speaker 1 It was Lewis.

Speaker 1 We knew it was Lewis. No one said Lewis.

Speaker 1 It was a great play.

Speaker 1 That's the show at its peak right there.

Speaker 1 I mean, that is it, for sure. Here's what I'll say, though.
Jay is sort of trying to throw it on me pretty hard right now for almost 30 years. He's going to do this nonsense.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say it's just Lewis.

Speaker 1 Whatever he's about to try. You know, where was Jay Jay on the night of, you know, now that this guy's ringing the thing?

Speaker 1 Jay starts getting very performative when he's guilty. No, this is guilty Jay right now.
Look, look, he's overacting. Go ahead, Jay.
Keep on overacting. I am pulling up.
Now he's underacting.

Speaker 1 Look, now he's underacting.

Speaker 1 I see what's going on. You guys have done a bunch of these episodes, right? Wouldn't this story have come up sooner? This is a good thing.
You'd be surprised how little we listen to each other.

Speaker 1 Also, a friend dog, you total mutual friend. A A lot of friends here, and I think all of Lewis's friends are in this room.
That's true.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute, Dave Smith is dead.

Speaker 1 Put my name down, Jay. Convince everyone to put my name down.
I'm going to be the only person who gets points on this. Let me tell you, he's going to say it's me.
He knows it's not me, everybody.

Speaker 1 Say Lewis. I'll accept all getting fucking points if we all say Lewis right now.
He's so bummed. Oh, look at him.

Speaker 1 Oh, he knows he got fucked. Mike is doodling now because he's lost.

Speaker 1 I tell you,

Speaker 1 it's worth it if it's Lewis to say Lewis.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You're really selling it hard. I know.
He just said, Sal.

Speaker 1 You said me? Yes. Oh, that's a bad.
That's bad.

Speaker 1 Mike has not said a word. He's just been in the shape of the

Speaker 1 whole time.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, I would love to crush Lewis. Big Jay with a fingerless glove doing a rock and roll hand.
He doodled. He's trying to keep his face normal, so he's doodling.

Speaker 1 Sal, I'm letting you know right now.

Speaker 1 Big Jay is doing a lot of acting right now.

Speaker 1 I would think it was Lewis, but also you.

Speaker 1 Look at Jay. You're really doing a big song and dance right now.
He is.

Speaker 1 It's a comedy show. Lewis cares about winning.
I'm carrying all the funny.

Speaker 1 I gotta fucking shuck and jive and dance, man. I don't win the game.
Excellent point. That's all I got.
Bang Well, excellent point there.

Speaker 1 You're an idiot, Sal. You just felt you felt for her shucking and look who's still acting

Speaker 1 Mr. Actor over here, still acting.
Oh, I swear to God, when this is revealed, I will not make the same mistake twice.

Speaker 1 Don't worry, Sal. I love you.
I wouldn't do this to you.

Speaker 1 I would look at me right in the balls on that one.

Speaker 1 I believe you. I believe you.
Everyone's in.

Speaker 1 Wow, everybody. Oh, it was God damn it.
It was hormos the whole time. This Iranian terrorist.

Speaker 3 Story number one belongs to hormos Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I see what we're doing. E-run! E-run! E-run! E-run! E-run!

Speaker 1 I see what we're doing.

Speaker 1 God damn it. The Iron Sheik leg drops Hulk Hogan.

Speaker 1 We just let this guy

Speaker 1 Hamas supporter

Speaker 1 pull ahead of us. He really, it was so great.
He goes, I would, were this is crazy and and i i every time he ever susie said it i went i believe yeah you do dismissive very well i

Speaker 1 yeah it's completely true this is exactly what happened uh the great piano player at the comedy store jeff scott had just died and so i i found out the news and my buddy matt called and was like hey do they call him great scott

Speaker 1 jeff scott no but you said the great piano player jeff scott no they should yeah i'm putting one and one together i'm getting two they should have sell to be honest with you they're not calling him anything anymore.

Speaker 1 If they didn't call him Great Scott, they missed an opportunity.

Speaker 1 All right, Pete.

Speaker 1 And yeah, my buddy called and was like,

Speaker 1 Did you hear about Jeff? Is he okay? And I said, Yeah, he's okay.

Speaker 1 And then I hung up the phone, and my buddy Morgan was like, Why'd you do that? And I'm like, I thought it would be funny,

Speaker 1 and it really wasn't. It really wasn't funny.
I'm watching him play right now. Yeah.
And then I had to call him back and be like, hey, you know how I said Jeff's alive?

Speaker 1 He's dead. Great Scott.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, I don't know what's going on up here sometimes.
That's crazy. Well, I'll tell you right now, you really did just have a nice little clean sweep of round one.

Speaker 1 Alex, where are our points out after one story?

Speaker 3 After one story in first place with four points.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 3 Hormo Srashidi.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's it. Oh, yeah.
It's only personal importance.

Speaker 1 We were all pumped. Oh, Alex.
Yeah, really.

Speaker 1 Damn, Alex. I'm going to learn to love that black man.

Speaker 1 It's my destiny, dude. It might be.
It might be.

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Speaker 1 I don't hate it.

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Speaker 3 Story number two

Speaker 3 I once dressed up like the crow, went to the deli my my friend worked at, and stood completely still in the parking lot in the pouring rain for 10 minutes during his overnight shift, just staring into the store.

Speaker 3 He called the police.

Speaker 1 This slaps of

Speaker 1 weirdly Lewis or Sal?

Speaker 1 Every story is me, according to Big J. Big J, you currently dress like the crow.

Speaker 1 As soon as I heard crow, I knew one of you guys.

Speaker 1 You dress like the crow. You love delis.
This is a Big J story.

Speaker 1 You want to wear. I don't even own a fucking long jacket.

Speaker 1 I dress like the crow. Really? Black leather?

Speaker 1 Lewis, you ever have a duster?

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Guy liner. This is a hilarious bit.
Jester cheeks. This is a hilarious bit.
Okay, do we have to die? I never dressed up like the crow ever.

Speaker 1 Okay. You're the only two goths or former goths here.
Now, this is Sal winging it because Sal would throw on a costume and a fucking heartbeat.

Speaker 1 Sal loves a bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You did have a goth.

Speaker 1 Racine's Italian. His father would fucking beat him to death if he put on his no fucking way.

Speaker 1 Fucking fucking household. Yeah.
Go fucking stir the gravy. Take off that lady makeup.

Speaker 1 You're making your ma cry.

Speaker 1 Dad, I wanted me to crow.

Speaker 1 You ain't no fucking thumb out of my house. I don't want you to laugh, though.
You know, I want to do my own thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you had a dad, you wouldn't do this, so I think it might be Lewis.

Speaker 1 I don't have a dad. For that reason, it could have been.
Jay also doesn't have a dad. Sal, do you have a dad? I have a dad, yeah, yeah.
I have a dad. But Sal is very theatrical and fun.
Right.

Speaker 1 No, this, here's the thing. Sal's whimsical.

Speaker 1 You don't understand.

Speaker 1 This isn't theatrical.

Speaker 1 This isn't a psychotic move. This is somebody being funny.
This is a bit. You're doing a bit.
That's what I'm saying. It's a commitment to a bit, which I think you and Lewis,

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Don't get me wrong. I commit to bits.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But this is a bit for one person.

Speaker 1 That's right. Which is psychotic.
The best kind of bit.

Speaker 1 A bit for yourself, fucking rules.

Speaker 1 He's the vainest bit.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 I also feel like at one point in your life, you wished you were the crow.

Speaker 1 One point.

Speaker 1 Every time he trains MMA, he thinks he's going to be the crow eventually.

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't goth like that.

Speaker 1 I wasn't really goth so much. I did wear eyeliner.
I did have long, crowy-like hair. I've seen hot topic.
I did. I did have, I will admit that I had long...
You were Hot Topic.

Speaker 1 I worked at Hot Topic when I was in high school. This is all true.
I do know that to be true. I also think Lewis wrote it to make it seem like it's Jay.

Speaker 1 Because Jay does dress like the crow, I feel like it's Lewis.

Speaker 1 The crow didn't wear blue jeans.

Speaker 1 Did you guys ever see the crow? I haven't. No.
Joe hates the crow. But I know Sting kind of did a crow thing, so I think.
Jay hates being called the crow, it turns out.

Speaker 1 I don't love it. And I'll tell you,

Speaker 1 it's just that I don't like when funny's inaccurate as hell.

Speaker 1 I don't just like the crow.

Speaker 1 That might have been what turned you on to fingerless gloves.

Speaker 1 I do like fingerless gloves. That's not very crow-like, though.

Speaker 1 But it also says, I once. I'm sorry.
Are those nails painted black? They are. Okay.
That is true.

Speaker 1 No, I dress like I play in the band at the place where the crow kills a bunch of people with swords.

Speaker 1 I don't dress like the crow. That's too much of a commitment to a look.

Speaker 1 But this also says, I once.

Speaker 1 So I want times.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm saying that's why I think it could be you. I don't think it's someone who lived life as the crow.

Speaker 1 Lewis definitely wanted to be the crow for a while, without a doubt. Brandon Lee's

Speaker 1 more again,

Speaker 1 this is my wigger time in life. So I would have more likely, before I was dressing like the crow, I would have done dead white.
So how do we know what time period?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, this doesn't say what time period, Jay.

Speaker 1 I assume it's popular crow time.

Speaker 1 No, I'm sorry. It's a funny popular crow time.
It's a funnier bit to do it in 2025. You're not wrong.
You're not wrong about that. So I'm like, who the fuck is that guy dressed up as?

Speaker 1 Is that a crow? I don't have an argument for what you're saying.

Speaker 1 What a fucking outdated psychotic reference. Is that Brandon Lee?

Speaker 1 He's dead.

Speaker 1 Who's that person dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire?

Speaker 1 Such a dated reference.

Speaker 1 My instinct is saying, Sal, but in a weird way, I don't know why Racine, he's being a little quiet over here.

Speaker 1 Racine's a weirdly funny dude. Like, I know we're all comedians.
He definitely would do something like that.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 what I'm saying, weirdly, like, Racine's just an out there fucking guy that you would do things that you don't think he would do.

Speaker 1 Racine, he's a big crow fan?

Speaker 1 I want to shoot myself in the head.

Speaker 1 How old are you? 38. 38.
Was the crow, like, that's like...

Speaker 1 That's oddly young for the crow. Jay, the crow is an iconic character.
Stop acting like you have to be of a certain age to get it.

Speaker 1 The crow probably played no major role in his childhood. The crow played no major role in anyone's childhood.
It played in yours. In yours, it did for sure.
I didn't give a shit about the crowd, dude.

Speaker 1 You also wanted a pet crow.

Speaker 1 Dude, you would have loved so much to walk around. I did name my snake Terminator, though.
Yeah, you would have loved to walk around with a fucking crow on your shoulder to school.

Speaker 1 Are we all thinking of the same crow?

Speaker 1 What if it was. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 What if it was one of the crows from Dumbo?

Speaker 1 That's true. They dress up as a racist.

Speaker 1 I love this daddy. That would be awesome, dude.

Speaker 1 Crows to the heck black jive talking crows.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes, yes. Wait, that's the crow.
It's

Speaker 1 changing man.

Speaker 1 That's me.

Speaker 1 That's why they called the police. Oh, you're going to get off work eventually, Mother Front.

Speaker 1 I'm about to go in there and steal four loco.

Speaker 1 And that's what I'm thinking too, yo. That's what I'm talking about.
Am I right or am I wrong? Hey, those chips here, are those free?

Speaker 1 If I get out the front door with it, it mine, right? Come on now.

Speaker 1 All right. It's got to be Lewis or Jay.
I'm going my first instincts, which was Sal. He's whimsical.
He's fun. He's theatrical.
He's a funny guy. Sal Volcano.

Speaker 1 That's why he gets the big bucks. Oh, man.
I'm having a hard time. You know what, guys? I'm going to throw a fucking monkey wrench into works here and go for Lewis.

Speaker 1 Who did you say, Mike? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You guys just gave somebody somebody.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's Jay.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's Jay. No, Sal, no.
It's Jay. It's Jay.
Lewis, you're the crow, bro. You're the crow.

Speaker 1 I know you wanted to be the crow.

Speaker 1 Dude, you love the crow so much. And you, you know, you love the crow, and you hate that everyone got this.

Speaker 1 Bro, I don't think I'm going to call you the crow. Jay just now are.
Not only did Jay just clean up, Jay actually wanted to be the fucking crow. God damn it.

Speaker 1 Alex, whose story was story number five, two, whatever it was.

Speaker 1 If it's not Lewis, who the fuck is it? I'm frazzled. Oh, this is Sal.
You guys are idiots. It's not.

Speaker 3 Story number two belongs to Sal Bo. No!

Speaker 1 I'm the fucking crow.

Speaker 1 I said, I'm the crow.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got him.

Speaker 1 I'm theatrical.

Speaker 1 So what happened here? Who was this friend? And what was the reason you did this? Was it just the bit?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think I was like, it was like around Halloween. I was going to be the crow.
And I had the hair of the crow.

Speaker 1 And then I put on some paint and I looked like the crow.

Speaker 1 And so I put on a black outfit. And I went, I worked at this deli, and it was my best friend Donato.
And

Speaker 1 it was pouring. And so that's when I was like, this would really be weird if I stood like in the

Speaker 1 colours. Yeah, I mean, if you were gonna be a crow on any night, this was the night.
Were you headphoning the soundtrack?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and so I stood in the parking lot, like a good 20 feet away from the big window.

Speaker 1 He was doing the register, and at first he laughed, and then I saw it like after a couple minutes, he started to get nervous

Speaker 1 because I didn't move, I just stood there in the pouring rain and I smiled like the crow. It really looked like the crow.
And

Speaker 1 then he called the police, and the police pulled up and walked right up to me. And I was like, hey, I'm Jay Work here.

Speaker 1 That's my friend, and I'm just fucking with him. That's my bud.
I'm not really the crow, sir.

Speaker 1 First things first, I'm not the crow. Officer, don't worry.
I have this. I'm the crow.

Speaker 1 Stand down. I am not the real crow.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, you're coming here for me. I'm here to protect.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, good. Backup arrived.

Speaker 1 Fellas, thanks for coming by.

Speaker 1 I'm soaked. Yeah.
Been here for a minute now. Yeah, you go.
Oh, hey, boys. No rush, I guess, huh? Anywho, I'm staking this place out.
This cashier keeps on sticking to the city.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think the cashier's tipping off the till.

Speaker 1 I haven't thought of that until someone asked me to think of something that had to do with darkness.

Speaker 1 I haven't thought of that in like 20 years.

Speaker 1 But I wanted to do the crow. I had a crow poster.
You love the crow. I did.
I wasn't goth, but I love that crow.

Speaker 1 The soundtrack. The soundtrack got a lot of people.

Speaker 1 The crow is the second gothiest bird. The raven is the first gothiest bird.
You're right.

Speaker 1 I liked the crow, but I was immediately also cynical to it.

Speaker 1 Same with the thing with the matrix, because I saw it, liked it, and immediately saw that everyone I know was going to be like, dude, is that not the greatest fucking thing ever?

Speaker 1 And it makes you think so much.

Speaker 1 Oh, Christ. Here we go.
I didn't see the crow 2, though. What? Yeah, I didn't see the crow 2.
Salvation. Oh, don't hold it against me.

Speaker 1 Crow, but did anyone see crow 2? By the way, that was the don't of someone who really was disappointed by it.

Speaker 1 Her, unlike everybody else, went into it with high expectations. A crow sequel, finally, we're going to get the end of this story.
It's crowier,

Speaker 1 Alex. Two stories down.
Where are our points at? Electra Crowaloo.

Speaker 1 Crow 2, Electra Crowaloo.

Speaker 3 On the scoreboard in third place with two points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 3 In second place with three points, Sal Volcano.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with four points, Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 1 this this game is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life I know right I come every week you think I figured out how to play it try standing in the rain as the crow for 10 minutes

Speaker 1 Alex story number three

Speaker 3 story number three

Speaker 3 A girl I was seeing went home one night with a famous comedian. A few days later, I stood in front of the East River to to see if I could kill myself.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 this slaps of Racine to me. Now, come on.

Speaker 1 This slaps of...

Speaker 1 You guys don't know him, but if you did, it really does slap like him.

Speaker 1 This also could be Lewis, but I don't think, I mean, I would remember vividly the story of the famous comedian that just pulled pulled pussy away from Lewis.

Speaker 1 If I don't, I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 If this was my story or your story, either one of us would know it because it would be something that, I mean, the running joke would always be like my enemy, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 We've had many episodes of Legion of Skanks dedicated to this person. Yeah.
Well, this sounds like someone who doesn't really get any pussy. Yeah, it sounds like Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 It's not nice. He's a guest.
Don't say that to our guests. I like that it says to see if I could kill myself.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? That part of it makes me feel like it was my story. I was like, that's what I would do.
I go, let me go do a dry run

Speaker 1 and see, like, could I throw myself in or would my body like stop? I'd like to find out. Jay loves very quickly.
He would take this very hard.

Speaker 1 I would just know the story of a famous comedian that this is the drama. This story dramatically is all me.

Speaker 1 But this never happened to me.

Speaker 1 And Racine, Racine, you've been doing comedy comedy for a while you came up with a lot of dudes You've been around for a long time don't remind me. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 a lot of guys have just right past you in this career

Speaker 1 And Dan Soder went home with the girl you were seeing a thousand

Speaker 1 I Can't think yeah, look I feel like the East River wasn't gonna have a part in the potential suicide. I think they just went there to think about it

Speaker 1 like you know what I mean? Oh, like a place to ponder. Yes.

Speaker 1 You could also look at several bridge. Which bridge would I do if I was going to do it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not Hormos.

Speaker 1 Hormos is from Los Angeles. So this is definitely not.
He would hang himself off. No, you lived here at times.

Speaker 1 I lived here like 14 years ago for a couple of years. And the Easter of it was there.
At the time.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it's been around for at least 20 years. But

Speaker 1 if you were going to kill yourself, you'd probably take out about 3,000 Americans.

Speaker 1 No, if. I feel like it's not me, and I think it's not Lewis because we wouldn't get suicidal, we would get homicidal, right?

Speaker 1 I went to the East River to see if I can kill everyone. And you said you would know if Jay, if it was Jay's story, you would know.
I would just

Speaker 1 know I would know about the story about a famous comedian taking Jay's girl away. That's what it is.
Not even the thinking about killing yourself. That could be new information.
But the non-stop,

Speaker 1 like, here's the thing: also, in a circle of friends of comedy, you know,

Speaker 1 if you hide information, like you're a fucking piece of shit. You got to let out as fuck.
This guy. Nobody in Sales Circle hid any information.

Speaker 1 It went over my head.

Speaker 1 Just let it be that way.

Speaker 1 I don't like that excuse from you two, though, because then you have a built-in, a baked-in excuse to say every single time something like this happens because you guys are the hosts. I've been wrong.

Speaker 1 And I don't like it.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? It's Lil. I've been wrong plenty.

Speaker 1 I don't want you to win. We don't cheat for each other.
We don't cheat for each other.

Speaker 1 I've also so many times by accident done exactly what I just did.

Speaker 1 So, you know, if you feel this is Lewis, feel free to vote for him because I have plenty of times been like, don't even waste your time.

Speaker 1 I would have heard this a thousand times, but I'm also a problematic pothead.

Speaker 1 And I stopped smoking cigarettes now, so I'm going to smoke a lot more pot.

Speaker 1 And like, I'm telling you that, like, it's this could, this could be like, I'll be as soon as he says it, I'll be like, fuck, that's right, George Lopez fucked your baby's mom.

Speaker 1 I'll be, oh, fuck, I forgot that. And I know I would forget that.
So keep that in mind. But because of, I don't think that's the case, I'm going with Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 So let me say, the only other person I think it could be, there is a chance that this could be Big J,

Speaker 1 and this could be super early in his career

Speaker 1 because he did, he was friends with Kevin Hart. He was friends with Kevin Hart.

Speaker 1 That's right. Kevin Hart did.
He did take pussy away from you. But Kevin

Speaker 1 I was going to say, I don't know if I would think when I'm writing these stories, if I would personally play with reality, that maybe I might, but I didn't.

Speaker 1 But that would still be accurate because you're referencing him now. No, absolutely.
Yeah. And by the way,

Speaker 1 this almost happened. She didn't leave with him.
She sucked his dick in the back of the car while I drove.

Speaker 1 And that woman woman became the mother of his daughter.

Speaker 1 What's up, Carla?

Speaker 1 But you were living in Philadelphia. I'm kidding.
Carla didn't suck Kevin Hart's dick. She should have.

Speaker 1 She should have hitched her wagon to that fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Racine, Racine. Now she has a six-foot-tall daughter with allergies.

Speaker 1 Crazy allergies. You should never have sex with a giant Jew.

Speaker 1 You have a six-foot-tall daughter with major allergies.

Speaker 1 But it's never the person that you think it is right away with this game. Yeah.
You know, everybody's saying, oh, Racine, Racine, Racine. You guys are.

Speaker 1 We all kind of all the tales saying Racine.

Speaker 1 Didn't you, I could be wrong, but didn't like a moment ago you make a joke about killing yourself?

Speaker 1 Like right before this was read?

Speaker 1 So Theo Vaughn. He was kidding.
You got it.

Speaker 1 He was kidding. He said it.
It's Racine or Big J?

Speaker 1 Who does the crowd think it is? You guys think it's Big Jay?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'll tell you what, even though it's not me, it hurts when they don't like, I still feel like you're being voted for. Hey, who thinks it's Jay?

Speaker 1 And then when no one does, I'm like, fuck you guys.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit, it's Racine though. Does anyone think it's Racine? It is.

Speaker 1 Him guessing me is bad. I feel like I would know if it was Jay.
I feel like I would have heard the story. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Racine is my answer, but Big Jay is my close second.

Speaker 1 Everyone's votes in, Alex.

Speaker 3 Story number three belongs to

Speaker 3 Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 Everybody guessed it.

Speaker 1 I should get two points because I wait way early.

Speaker 1 Racine, who was this girl and who was this comedian?

Speaker 1 Sam Morrell. Do you think Sam Morrell is really famous? No, no.

Speaker 1 But he has stolen pussy from me.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 No, I was working at Caroline's, and I was seeing one of the hostesses there, and she went home with Daniel Tosh one night.

Speaker 1 He's gay and married. He's gay and married.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn, this woman's aghast. And I don't know if you know this, but she saw part two of whatever the movie said.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I just moved to New York City. I was working as the doorman at Caroline's, and it was like a couple months into me moving here.
And I said, that's it.

Speaker 1 Yo, I don't know what was the host of Caroline's. Was it the same girl that you were seeing? Oh, maybe.
I doubt it.

Speaker 1 Did she have hepatitis C?

Speaker 1 That's a real question.

Speaker 1 No, but I know who you're talking about. Oh, she living with hepatitis C? No, it wasn't her.
No. Well, everyone knew that girl had hepatitis C? Wait, wait.

Speaker 1 That girl was cool, though, because she's the one that told me about. Yeah, she was cool.
She had hep C.

Speaker 1 That girl fucking partied.

Speaker 1 She told me to have sex with her in the butt because she has hep C. Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1 That girl was the one that told me about coronet pizza, the pizza spot where you get the really big slices.

Speaker 1 That girl did a lot. She's doing a lot's work.

Speaker 1 By the way, that girl, for a girl I knew

Speaker 1 for eight weeks, our total relationship, eight weeks of knowing this girl. Rest in peace.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Maybe.
She was a drug. She had a drug problem.

Speaker 1 But that girl has been a part of, I'd say, in whatever 70s, some shows we've had of Story Wars already, I'd say she's had four stories in this thing.

Speaker 1 In that short amount of time, this girl. I once contracted Hep C from a door girl at Caroline's.

Speaker 1 No, I once, no, I think the other week we had a, I did Hep C in the butt story. That was her.

Speaker 1 I watched a girl eat four whole pizzas

Speaker 1 that was her

Speaker 1 that was her

Speaker 1 what mike what was your thoughts when you went down to the river there i was just like let me see if i want to do this you know and the thought would be to jump in it yeah but i would just get swept away by the current or whatever i guess i don't know he had he had some uh he had some tosh pointeaux to catch up on ti voice you know what dude had to live another day how did the confrontation go did you end up having no no no no you just did you ever hook up with her again

Speaker 1 no damn that sucks now if you can go back in time these are the big things if you can go back in time you'd be like wouldn't you wish you didn't make as big a deal about it and just hooked up with her a few more times who gives a fuck it wasn't your end game anyway yeah i guess yeah

Speaker 1 took it too hard who gives a let's call her yeah

Speaker 1 i think you got one more round

Speaker 1 one more round i didn't need no bell

Speaker 1 i didn't need no bell i'm being performative

Speaker 1 alex three stories down. Where are our points at?

Speaker 3 All right. In last place with zero points,

Speaker 3 Mike Racine.

Speaker 3 In fourth place with two points, Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 Stop me.

Speaker 1 Stop me.

Speaker 3 In third place with four points, Luis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1 Not him.

Speaker 1 Not him.

Speaker 1 Well, Lewis is my best friend, so I would know this story.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jay, you're my best friend, too.

Speaker 1 We don't care. TBS, here we come.

Speaker 1 Alex, TBS, very inclusive

Speaker 1 the only way that would have been better if you were both dressed as the crow

Speaker 1 everybody will burn

Speaker 3 in second place with five points Sal Volcano

Speaker 3 and in the lead with six points hormos rashidi

Speaker 1 Things are heating up. Who Who is going to take home how to love a black man?

Speaker 1 Which focuses on understanding a black man's deepest needs, fears, and self-image, looking past surface appearances.

Speaker 1 Black men often hide their inner emotions, and this book gives women clear, story-backed advice on how to encourage their black man to become emotionally vulnerable and open to share his true feelings.

Speaker 1 Finally, autographed by the author who weirdly doesn't know how to read. And whoever wins, I'll buy it off you.

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Let's get back into it.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 1 Story number four.

Speaker 3 Story number four.

Speaker 3 I quit Boy Scouts because I was abandoned by my troop in the woods at night on a camping trip.

Speaker 1 I did quit Boy Scouts. I was going to ask if you were even in Boy Scouts.
Well, I was in Cub Scouts. I got up to the Wolf Scouts.

Speaker 1 Weeblows? Really? No, Weeblos was for the older kids. That's once you got through Boy Scouts.

Speaker 1 I thought it was Cub.

Speaker 1 No, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Weeblos. What is that? That was Cub Scouts, Weeblo's, Boy Scouts.
Weeblow Blow our Boy Scout leader.

Speaker 1 No, I got that. I saw that come, but really, what is it? I've known about Stan Scott.

Speaker 1 I don't know where it's going to be.

Speaker 1 Oh, is it really? Yeah, We'll Be Loyal Scouts. That was an ill-advised.
Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 We blows.

Speaker 1 I never got to Wee Blows. I did Cub Scouts.

Speaker 1 It's wild that it's called Wee Blows.

Speaker 1 No one talks about it. No one talks about it.
I'll tell you what, though, but it was a cooler. Look, the Cub Scouts was...
uh

Speaker 1 hear me out

Speaker 1 we be loyal and we blows we blows uh the the boy scouts were a navy and like yellow gold it was a very ugly look yeah dark yeah dark blue the weeblows came in with dark blue and like a baby blue that was pretty dope but i never made it i never made it to wee blows I was out before Weeblows.

Speaker 1 Because he quit when he was abandoned by his troop in the woods in the middle of the night. No, Boy Scouts was older.

Speaker 1 I did Cup Scouts and then never made it to Weeblo's. I did one of them, but I don't know which one.

Speaker 1 It was short-lived. How old? I made a race car, I think.
What if they did a brown shirt with

Speaker 1 red on the arm?

Speaker 1 Oh, right. Oh, that was the Hitler Youth.
I was in.

Speaker 1 Why did I say I would go to camp in Berlin?

Speaker 1 Why did I say that? Dude, the.

Speaker 1 I was in Boy Scouts. We did all the things.
Like, we had a car of like the car out of a block of wood. Pine boxer.
And I, yeah, Pineboxer. I didn't have a dad.

Speaker 1 So, like, I literally, dude, mine was just cut into a triangle.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. And then I drew a little skull on it.
I painted it black and yellow, and I named it Skull Crusher, the car. And every other kid's car was like awesome.

Speaker 1 Like, their dad sanded it down, and they had fucking a workshop. And they gave me a trophy for the most imaginative car, which me and my family renamed.
I imagine a trophy.

Speaker 1 Renamed the kid who didn't have a father award.

Speaker 1 That's the right thing. I didn't win anything.
My uncle Mark helped me when he was nodding out on heroin,

Speaker 1 but he was the person most likely to be able to do this and help me sand it or whatever. But yeah, I ate shit on Pine Bucks Terby.
And we had one with a boat, too, that was a very light, you know.

Speaker 1 Balsawood boat. What was it? I made out of Balsawood.
Yeah, and my uncle Benji, who was like 19 at the time, he was just just a kid.

Speaker 1 Like, we were doing it like right before we were going to the Boy Scouts. Your 19-year-old uncle was the most Hispanic thing you've ever said.

Speaker 1 My 12-year-old mother and my 32-year-old grandmother.

Speaker 1 We used paint on the boat, and we had to leave in an hour. So then, my uncle Benji took my mom's, it was, I guess, nail-drying spray.
Airbrush your name on the side.

Speaker 1 Get the spray paint.

Speaker 1 And then he sprayed that and that made the boat bubble up and foam up. And then I had to like carve off bubbly foam off the boat and this piece of shit just tipped over when I put it in the water.

Speaker 1 Cheated all for nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This feels like Lewis. Nope.

Speaker 1 Never went camping until I was almost an adult.

Speaker 1 Don't they preach like unity? Like, it's hard to believe that they abandoned the child in the woods. But this happened, so I guess that happened to somebody.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 once your balls are empty, Sal. You do a lot of crazy things.

Speaker 1 Who's signing this permission? The scout master's like, okay, let's get all the sexy kids over here.

Speaker 1 And Sal over there. Hey.

Speaker 1 Chubby, you can stay. Chubby, you can stay in your bed.

Speaker 1 Follow y'all sexy children. I feel like Lewis told us he quit Boy Scout.
He said the

Speaker 1 We all quit Boy Scouts.

Speaker 1 Nobody is still a Boy Scout.

Speaker 1 Somebody is. Who is still a Boy Scout? We're men now.
But that doesn't seem like it would phase Lewis being left in the woods. No.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say he said the words, I quit Boy Scouts. Why did you quit? I quit eventually because, well, my Boy Scout leader was my friend Dan Doherty's mom and my mom.

Speaker 1 We had two female Boy Scout leaders. She was Dan Doherty and your mother?

Speaker 1 No. What a slut.

Speaker 1 She fucked Mr. Doherty and Mr.
Jay Gomez.

Speaker 1 I feel like you're purposefully not understanding what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was just going for a laugh. I know.

Speaker 1 Say the real thing.

Speaker 1 Lewis and Mom's like, okay, boys, pull out your pocket spoon.

Speaker 1 Today we're going to learn to free base.

Speaker 1 Now, if you just point your magnifying glass just right,

Speaker 1 you can cook this heroin. Oh, there it is.

Speaker 1 Once the spock hits the veins,

Speaker 1 try your daddy to come over here and French kiss me.

Speaker 1 I'm getting the voting going. I'm going Big J Okerson.
Really? I don't know why he quit Boy Scouts. Yeah, really.
That's fucking out of nowhere. Not a word from Hormos, by the way, so far.

Speaker 1 They don't have Boy Scouts in Iran.

Speaker 1 It's called the Iranian military.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this guy was, yeah. Hold on, Boy Scouts.
It's in quotes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he had full fatigues by the time he was three.

Speaker 1 One time when I was four, I had to shoot a rocket launcher at a tank. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm going with Lewis because he said he quit the Boy Scouts. This is his move.
We all quit the Boy Scouts, Jay.

Speaker 1 No, we didn't. People age out of Boy Scouts.

Speaker 1 You graduated the Boy Scouts? No, I didn't. I never went to the Boy Scouts.
Mike, did you do Boy Scouts? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And did you do Boy Scouts? I did. So everybody here except for me has done Boy Scouts.
So it's one of you guys. I didn't do Boy Scouts.
Oh, I don't like this song and dance. Oh,

Speaker 1 but Jay holding it.

Speaker 1 Sal, out loud here. I'm with you, Jay.

Speaker 1 Sal, I think you have the right answer. You're going to really regret changing your answer there.
That's Lewis really working hard. He said out loud, I quit Boy Scouts.

Speaker 1 I haven't been in Boy Scouts.

Speaker 1 Just seems like a traumatic thing to go through. I also think if you have a dad,

Speaker 1 you won't get left behind camping. Can I say something? Right? But he had a 19-year-old.

Speaker 1 If that's your vote,

Speaker 1 if that's your vote, I don't want to change it. You put it in and lock it in.
But I just want to say something. I just looked at you in the face again, and I told you this isn't me.

Speaker 1 And I see you, and you rewrote it.

Speaker 1 Sal ain't fucking. No, Sal.
I didn't think this was going to be fucking stressful. This is going to change your relationship with your dad.

Speaker 1 Now it's stressful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the dads. Sal, did everybody else vote?

Speaker 1 Everyone's got votes in, yeah? All right. You know what?

Speaker 1 No, hormones is such a dumb vote.

Speaker 1 He was not in the boys counts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I looked at you when you lied the first time, and I said I would never be taken to 10 by you. So

Speaker 1 I'm throwing a curveball.

Speaker 1 I'm throwing a curveball. You fool.

Speaker 1 I'm throwing a curveball. Oh, Jay fucked me.
Jay fucked me, baby.

Speaker 1 Jay bent you over like a little stand-up bitch.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I don't know how we recover from this in reality.

Speaker 1 Sal, you're such a gullible faggot.

Speaker 1 Triumph theatrical.

Speaker 1 This doesn't even feel good.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's fucked up. That's fucked up, bro.

Speaker 1 You betrayed a sacred bond. You look me right in the eyes.
Alex, all of our answers are odd. It's odd.

Speaker 3 Story number four belongs to

Speaker 3 big Joseph.

Speaker 1 Damn it.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Sal,

Speaker 1 when I saw everyone had already voted, I was going to just tell you, I was going to be like, nah, go with your instincts, dude. I did sort of say that.
I'm like, no, dude, vote.

Speaker 1 If that's what you want to do, do it.

Speaker 1 Don't pull this song and dance now. You know what you did.
You looked me right in the eyes with your beautiful blue eyes. You looked me right in the face.

Speaker 1 And you did that. And now, honestly, going forward, things have probably, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Things have changed. We've never lied to each other before.
Not directly, not like that. Because this is, you crossed the bat.

Speaker 1 This is new waters for us.

Speaker 1 This is wild. We've never just looked and lied.
Wow, this is going to be a long car ride home.

Speaker 1 That was maybe one of the biggest backstabbings we've had in Stuart Wars history. By the way, I looked over Lewis.
Lewis goes, it's killing you. I went, I don't like it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jay was having a full-fledged meltdown. Nobody was paying attention to him.

Speaker 1 You were talking about this during it? Yes.

Speaker 1 I feel like an even bigger fucking moron now.

Speaker 1 Listen, I understand now what this show is about. I understand now.

Speaker 1 There's no integrity here.

Speaker 1 Tell us this story, Jay, you lying piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, tell the story, you motherfucker.

Speaker 1 I did Cub Scouts. I quit before Weeblo's.
That was true. Oh, did you quit, you piece of shit?

Speaker 1 Before Weeblo's, but then I started getting in trouble trouble a bunch in the early teens and

Speaker 1 my mom was like, that was one of the things like, you're going to join Boy Scouts and do, because a couple of friends of mine were in it, and they were doing the weekend,

Speaker 1 you know, Boy Scouts. I thought kind of the cool thing was going to be like the weekend camping trips where you go with the scout.
And then we went to it, and it was like.

Speaker 1 The place they had us staying in the woods, it would have been better to be outside. It was like, remember the house they found that just showed up in Blair Witch

Speaker 1 with like children's handprints on the walls? We were staying in that.

Speaker 1 I wish you got Blair Witch that night.

Speaker 1 Standing in the corner waiting my turn.

Speaker 1 So it was a terrifying place. And then out in front of it,

Speaker 1 they lit a fire and the camp, we're not the counselors, but what are they? The scout leaders.

Speaker 1 They set a fire up and then the guys go, all the other kids go yo there's a girl scout camp like right across the woods we should go over there and talk to the girls for a while like we're kind of i think they were sort of allowed to and then they go let's go and they started

Speaker 1 telling this to just me right now

Speaker 1 stop looking in my eyes now that that that that privilege has been taken away from you yeah how does sal even believe this story at this point yeah you can no longer look me in the eyes

Speaker 1 I was, you're right, I'm gonna get to the people. I uh

Speaker 1 the guys who were all substantially slimmer than me

Speaker 1 go, all right, let's all jog over to the girls' camp. I knew that was gonna be a thing.

Speaker 1 No, guys, why don't we walk slowly? And then,

Speaker 1 if I was genuinely given a nickname, everyone was very kind to call me Big J

Speaker 1 because what they should have called me was Jay, quote unquote, guys wait up Okerson because I was always the guy who was gonna and what happened was eventually I stopped hearing the footsteps of my friend, even my friend Randy, who was trying to like slow down to be with me, was like, no, and I just went, go ahead, I'm just gonna go back.

Speaker 1 And then I stopped hearing their footsteps and I'm far deep in the woods, no flashlight, no idea where the camp is. Sad, trying not to cry.
Horny. Horny.

Speaker 1 I thought we were going to fucking jog into some fucking brownie pussy.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I went back where I think I interfered with two gay scout masters playing guitar and singing to each other.

Speaker 1 They made me a hot dog, and I went to bed before anybody else came back. And I quit the fucking...
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That is what they called it in the 90s. They made him a hot dog.
And then it was a different time.

Speaker 1 And then I quit the Boy Scouts after that weekend. Jay thought he was showing up for actual brownies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They go, there's brownies across the thing. I would have fucking ran in front of everybody.

Speaker 1 Damn, this kid's got fucking wheels on him.

Speaker 1 Brownies, shut up this time of night.

Speaker 1 That would never happen at home.

Speaker 1 Jay, slow down, Okrison.

Speaker 1 Four stories down, Alex. Where are our points at?

Speaker 3 In absolute last place.

Speaker 3 With zero points heading into halftime. Microscene.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm confused. I want to go home, and everyone's lying to me.

Speaker 1 What do I work at Gas Digital?

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 3 Tied for third place with five points each. Big Jay Okerson and Sal Volcano.

Speaker 1 No, Sal, but look, because of my deceit, we're even Stevens now. Oh, great.

Speaker 3 And tied for the lead with six points each. Luis J.
Gomez and Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We're halfway through the game. Truly anybody's game.
So So at this point, we will do some quick plugs. Sal, what are you plugging, my friend? I'm on tour.

Speaker 1 I have like 30 cities up. I'm adding more all the time.
Sal Volcanocomedy.com for that. Just calling out the Chicago Theater on November 14th, the Beacon on December 27th, the Rhyme on April 12th.

Speaker 1 And I have a new talk show coming out called Minoosh. And that'll be out

Speaker 1 toward the end of the year. I'm doing it in 10 episode seasons.
Minouche.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And my special terrified streaming on HBO Max.
All right. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Hormos.

Speaker 1 My podcast, Dogs of Brown Town, that I do with Saul Trujillo and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And follow me on Instagram at Hormos Comedy.
I have less followers than dead Al-Qaeda members.

Speaker 1 So follow me with

Speaker 1 Mr. Racine.
See, Lewis is like a kid who's like, guys, I invented a game and I win.

Speaker 1 That is kind of what he did. It's called Lewis.
The game is Lewis wins.

Speaker 1 Sort of. You're not wrong.

Speaker 1 I win every time.

Speaker 1 He wins most of them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Check out my podcast, Racine Time. It's a podcast, but it's a little different.

Speaker 1 We do things a little differently over on that podcast. And follow me on Instagram at Microscene Comedy.
And I got some road dates coming up. I got Detroit and Minneapolis soon.

Speaker 1 So microscenecomedy.com for tickets.

Speaker 1 Big Jay. BigJComedy.com for all my dates.
Tons of cities coming up. Look for one near you over at BigJ Comedy.com on my Peter North.
Big Jay's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

Speaker 1 If you get it, you get it. The guy shot Big Loads.

Speaker 1 And then also, if you go over to BigJComedy.com, you can either pre-order or, depending when this comes out, order officially the double album of them they, my double crowd work special.

Speaker 1 This week I just autographed one or 500 drawings of a penis with a face holding a gun and his hand on his hip that I drew.

Speaker 1 500 of those I signed to be inside that album for the special editions.

Speaker 1 If you order the full package, you get all four hours

Speaker 1 unedited from the four shows we did in Denver, as well as the digital download of the album and the physical double album with a lot of fun artwork involved in it. So check that out, man.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a lot of fun. It's the coolest fucking piece of merch I've ever put out.
So I hope you guys enjoy it. And I'm doing live streaming on YouTube now.

Speaker 1 Come enjoy, man. I'm doing fucking, I'm staying busy.
And my wife just texted me. She said, no pussy until you put some points on the road.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's go.
All right. All right.
That was bound to happen. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Come see me live on the road, guys. We're doing a bunch of Star Wars live live shows.
November 11th, we're right here in New York City at the Gram Mercy Theater. Grab those tickets right now.

Speaker 1 Huge, huge lineup. Biggest one we've had in a while.
That's November 11th. Those tickets will sell out.
November 26th, two shows in Philadelphia the night before Thanksgiving.

Speaker 1 Story Wars Live in Philly at Helium Comedy Club.

Speaker 1 Then I'm doing a bunch of other stuff as well. Columbus, Ohio on New Year's Eve.
Me and Zach Amiko are doing stand-up shows and then a live real-ass podcast for Union.

Speaker 1 My special, You're Making This Worse, is premiering on YouTube on November 3rd at 6 p.m. So check that out.
Give it a click, share it with some friends.

Speaker 1 You're going to be in the chat when it comes out? I'll be in the chat when it comes out, of course.

Speaker 1 It'll be the lead into Story Wars on Guest Digital that night.

Speaker 1 And then on

Speaker 1 my brand new tour, it's going to be called tentatively, It's a Doggy Dog World Tour.

Speaker 1 A Doggy Dog World Tour.

Speaker 1 It's starting up in January. I'm going everywhere.
So go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com. Check out all the other pods that I do, Legion of Skanks, The Regs, and Lewis Journal Podcasts.

Speaker 1 And pre-order my book, Knives and Spoons, available right now on Amazon.

Speaker 1 And last but not least, if you love this show, you should know there's about 40 episodes that are not available on YouTube or iTunes or anywhere else.

Speaker 1 The entire on-demand library of Story Wars is available ad-free, uncensored, and in one place, gasdigital.com.

Speaker 1 You also get pre-release on all the episodes, ad-free and uncensored versions of all the episodes, and thousands of hours of other podcasts like Legion of Skanks, Real Ask Podcasts, and many, many more.

Speaker 1 Gastdigital.com. Use that promo code WAR and save a couple bucks a month on your premium membership.

Speaker 1 Jay? Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 We've come to our final four stories. And

Speaker 1 Sal, as a returning champion, you know why this game can take a major turn. Because for the final four stories, always here at Story Awards,

Speaker 1 what do we do, Sal?

Speaker 1 You got double points.

Speaker 1 You're new to the game, so I'll tell you that basically

Speaker 1 what that means is as before, where if you fooled somebody, you received one point.

Speaker 1 If you guessed the correct story, you got two points. That now jumps to double points.

Speaker 1 That's right, Racine. You could still win this, my friend.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're far from out of this game. All right, all right.

Speaker 1 You're one sweep away from taking a dominant lead.

Speaker 1 This thing is pretty close. Mike, it does look bad, but you're probably going to be all right.
I just like hanging out with you guys. I know.

Speaker 1 We like, it's just an excuse at this point. Four stories down, Alex, story number five.

Speaker 3 Story number five.

Speaker 3 Sometimes when I'm driving on the freeway late at night, I like to close my eyes

Speaker 3 and see how long I can go.

Speaker 1 Lewis or hormos.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 The term freeway tells me a lot. That feels more California than out here.
And then all of us are. Lewis is also a psycho.

Speaker 1 It's either harmless or Anita Baker.

Speaker 1 It's definitely not me. I get somebody's trying to throw it at me, I think, using the word freeway.
You said it wasn't you, definitely, on the very first story.

Speaker 1 And you lied in all of our faces. It hurts.
That's who is written all over it. That's a psycho thing to do.
I don't see. He wants to kill himself, though.
So he did. That could be a racine thing.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'll tell you right now, who hasn't done this? I mean, it's a fun game. It's a fun game at night.
Once in a while, you got to play the game.

Speaker 1 But I will say their freeway might be the telling word right here.

Speaker 1 Because we don't have

Speaker 1 freeway. We know what a freeway is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Yeah.
What is a freeway? The freeway of love in my pink Cadillac

Speaker 1 was where a big fat

Speaker 1 freeway is like only a Westwood. What's her name? Aretha Franklin.
Oh, well, it's not a big one. What do you call it out here? The highway.
Oh, that was my recognition that it was Anita Anita Baker.

Speaker 1 Is it Aretha Franklin? Yeah. Oh, well, we go.
Some people got it. On the freeway.
That's not Anita Baker.

Speaker 1 And I can't. No, it's big fat Aretha Franklin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. Now I'm listening.
She's like,

Speaker 1 it is Aretha Franklin. Absolutely.
Who's Anita Baker? She goes,

Speaker 1 giving you the best that I got.

Speaker 1 Baby B.

Speaker 1 And I tell you now

Speaker 1 that I've made it.

Speaker 1 I'm giving you the best that I got.

Speaker 1 baby beat.

Speaker 1 We're theatrical.

Speaker 1 Before you lock it in,

Speaker 1 I swear it's not me.

Speaker 1 I love my life.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do this.

Speaker 1 It's Lewis. Lewis put the word freeway in as a way to deflect on the West Coast guy because he plays home.
Sorry, sorry, Mr. Terrorist.
Freedom isn't free.

Speaker 1 I don't mess around with words. Don't lock it in, Jay.
I don't mess around with words. Don't lock it in.
You're going to get it wrong. You're going to get it wrong.
It's Lewis. I never win anyway.

Speaker 1 Don't give Lewis points.

Speaker 1 Don't give Lewis points, guys. You guys are all just giving him points.
I hate this game. I hate it, too.

Speaker 1 He's unraveling. It's talking about.

Speaker 1 He got you guys, dude. Sal, you've done a good thing by judging that.
Yes. Hormo's Jay.
No, come on.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, that should, come on.

Speaker 1 Jay is also. Pull it like I see it.
Can I tell you something, dude? Lewis has hurt me the same way.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I've bent Jay over, and I'm talking about like head into the pillow, not even doing it gently to him. Just really went to town on him a few times.
And I was even yelling back.

Speaker 1 I'm like, just you spit on it a a little bit. He was like, shut what? Can't hear you.

Speaker 1 I mean, my thing is, all of us have kids. You'd be crazy to do that if you had children.
Yeah. Hormos doesn't have children.
No, but he is crazy, though. That's the thing.

Speaker 1 You guys are just giving him six points. I'll at least get four for guessing, Lewis, though.
Babe, these are locked. I guess we'll see.
They're locked in. They're locked in.

Speaker 1 Is this you? Alex, all of our stories. I'll lose my shit.

Speaker 1 Look at that smile.

Speaker 1 Look at that smile.

Speaker 1 You got, you have a child, bro.

Speaker 1 You have a child, bro.

Speaker 1 Don't let this be you, bro.

Speaker 1 Don't let it be you. Alex, all of our answers are in.
You don't love your child?

Speaker 1 We're about to find out.

Speaker 1 When are you going on freeways, Alex?

Speaker 3 Story number five belongs to

Speaker 3 Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 He just

Speaker 1 double points! Double points!

Speaker 1 Somebody getting pussy tonight!

Speaker 1 Mike,

Speaker 1 fantastic job. Right to the very end, you went, we're all parents.

Speaker 1 What do you guys think behaving like this?

Speaker 1 Great play by Mike Racine coming from behind. Tell us, I mean, there's not much more to the story here.
How much do you hate your family?

Speaker 1 Well, I don't do it with my kids in the car.

Speaker 1 Just my wife in the car. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You let God decide. That's the Italian way.

Speaker 1 Microsteen is

Speaker 1 the fucking backstory of the stand video for Eminem.

Speaker 1 Is there anything more to this? You just sometimes close your eyes? I used to, yeah, I don't really do it anymore, but yeah, it's fun.

Speaker 1 You know, you're driving on the highway, on the BQE, on the major digan you know because you're right for any one of the many east coasts here um i think it was an auto correct thing but then once it once it did i said oh we should we should keep that we should go with that it's very ambiguous yeah we should keep it

Speaker 1 it's very ambiguous yo i think there's a chance did he just paint the ultimate alex give us our scores oh my god the ultimate move all right tied for fourth place with five points each big j Jay Okerson and Sal Volcano.

Speaker 1 Alex, why do you hate me?

Speaker 1 Alex, you've never liked me for years now, I think. I think it's been years since you've liked me, Alex.

Speaker 3 Tide for second place with six points each, Luis J. Gomez and Hormo Shidi.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with eight points, Mike or Canada.

Speaker 1 Shit, I've got to respect it.

Speaker 1 From the darkness comes light.

Speaker 1 That round was dedicated to my therapist

Speaker 1 who said, hey, don't stop closing your eyes on the highway.

Speaker 4 Okay, let's take a quick moment to thank Body Brand Coffee, which is truthfully speaking, my coffee brand that I created to help me boost my testosterone naturally and support my brand function.

Speaker 4 Jay, I know you're not a big coffee drinker, and you should be happy to know that we actually have a creamer coming out very soon. We're in development on the creamer.
Let's drink straight up creamer.

Speaker 4 I will, you think I won't?

Speaker 4 You think I wish drink straight up creamer? Let's put a straight up creamer. Me and

Speaker 4 me and Bobby were giving you a good, this is all, this is a good endorsement. We were giving you a good off mic trashing at Bonfire.
It wasn't during a commercial. We were giving you a good beating.

Speaker 4 And then Bobby took a sip of that body brain and he said LA goes, howdy brain got damaged. It's good, though.
And Christine was like, it is good. It is good coffee.

Speaker 4 When you're catching a beating, no one holds it against your coffee.

Speaker 4 Well, I'll tell you right now, the coffee is genuinely just a great product. People really seem to love it.

Speaker 4 It's only five ingredients, Colombian freeze-ried coffee plus tongue ad ali, ashwagandha, lionsmean, and L-theanine. It naturally supports testosterone and brain function, memory.

Speaker 4 It'll really make you just feel great after you drink it. And it tastes as well.
Yeah, with all the stuff in it, you assume it's going to suffer in taste.

Speaker 4 That's what I find is surprising from what everybody says. No one's like, no, it makes me feel good, but like, you know, it's like getting down medicine a little bit.
There I get it. No, no, no.

Speaker 4 Everyone says something about the taste. I haven't even heard anybody be like, I'm lifting better.
My chest hair is coming in thicker.

Speaker 4 My balls have dropped. My voice is deeper.
My balls are enormous. I have one eyebrow now.
It's pretty sick. I can't stop coming.
I'm non-stop coming.

Speaker 4 Well, listen, I'll tell you right now, go give it a try. Whether you like it hot, cold.
You can mix it into a protein shake, however you like it.

Speaker 4 On your back, on your tits, on your face, body brain coffee. Bodybraincoffee.com is the website.
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Speaker 4 You guys, stock up for the holidays. And I'll tell you right now, that's going away right after October.
The 25% discount is going away. So now is the time to use it.

Speaker 4 Promo code war25 at bodybraincoffee.com. All right, where were we?

Speaker 1 Five stories out, Alex. Story number six.

Speaker 3 Story Story number six.

Speaker 3 I fingered a girl in the dark room in my high school photography class after I asked her to model for me after school.

Speaker 1 This stinks of Louis. Come on, buddy.
I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 1 I don't think so. Photography.
Photography classes.

Speaker 1 That's a real tell. I went to a public school that had no photography class for sure.
No, I did take a photography class in college. I will say that.

Speaker 1 But this is high school photography. This is high high schooler who was

Speaker 1 a high school

Speaker 1 if you went to a high school you had to go to a nice high school to have a yeah where'd you grow up to see Jersey okay maybe where'd you grow up hormos orange county california oh but i didn't have the game i didn't have the game you're showing he showed us the finger that he used you see that

Speaker 1 i wouldn't be able to

Speaker 1 lewis has game no but he didn't have a dark but he didn't have a dark room in high school for sure i don't know no he's from new york they had your school

Speaker 1 a football team and the whole thing. We had a pretty big football team.
We had a pool in the school. New York City schools have these kinds of programs.
I think it's Lewis.

Speaker 1 It wasn't New York City. I was in the suburbs.

Speaker 1 With Lewis asking her to model for me if this is not Sal.

Speaker 1 No, in high school.

Speaker 1 In high school, your boy was fucking not fingering.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Sal.

Speaker 1 I know. Buddy, nobody knows more than this guy.
Dude, you'd be laying down that dick.

Speaker 1 I know that.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you tell, listen, sure. Listen, for sure, dude.
You be blowing backs out, splitting them pussies in two.

Speaker 1 Sal, he's just trying to get back on your good side because he lied to your face right now. No, this is happening right now.
Okay, you'd be busting.

Speaker 1 You don't need to speak to me.

Speaker 1 No, you'd be busting mad nuts on their faces, but this.

Speaker 1 I've never fingered anyone in my life. It's gross.
This doesn't seem like you. Yeah, I agree.
I agree. As a germaphobe, as I know you are to be because we're good friends who don't lie to each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I will say also like fingering in a dark room where you're trying to develop photos would definitely create some weird, sticky-ass photos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, you're fingering with all that chemical in your fingers. This smokes.

Speaker 1 I've never fingered in my life. Interesting.
Sal said he never fingered in a foreigner. You've never fingered in your life.
That's not true. No, no, it's.
Have you really never fingered?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you have.

Speaker 1 What do you mean it's not?

Speaker 1 What's not for you about it? He's prone to hang nails.

Speaker 1 It's all weird and sticky. It's all weird.

Speaker 1 I would feel guilty. Like, even washing my hands,

Speaker 1 we're taking a risk doing that. What's all weird and sticky? Like the vagina, Larry.
The vagina is weird and sticky. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Vaginas are not sticky. I don't want that.
No, I don't want that on my hands. I don't want that on my hands.
Sal, are you afraid of me? You're right.

Speaker 1 It's like 40-year-old Virgil when he said that the tits feel like sandbags. No.

Speaker 1 Ew.

Speaker 1 Wires girls. I know you do it.
Oh, I love when you touch a pussy, it feels like a bag of spikes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, plus the teeth.

Speaker 1 Interesting. He said, I he said, he said, I never feel.
In his photography class, I'm going.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 I'm doing it, dude. Look, it's Lewis, your best friend Lewis.

Speaker 1 The only reason I think it could be Jay is because he started the voting off pretty early. Did you do photography in high school? What?

Speaker 1 I went to the blackest high school.

Speaker 1 No, there was no photography. So you held the camera sideways?

Speaker 1 Smile, motherfucker. Smile, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 No, there was no photography. I mean, Orange County, California had a VP.

Speaker 1 It did not. It did not.
It had a... See, that's a VP class.
Now you're saying that you didn't even have a photography class. We didn't have photography.
That was making me think it's you.

Speaker 1 We did not have a photography class. Yeah, but you did.

Speaker 1 Didn't you? You went to like.

Speaker 1 You went to like arts high high school, right? Arts? No, I went to North Rockland High School.

Speaker 1 What does that mean? It was just, it was in. Somebody Google, did they have a photographer? Do you want hormones? I don't know why I'm going against.

Speaker 1 Lewis couldn't wait to tell everybody he fingered a chick in the dark room.

Speaker 1 I'm letting you know this is Big Jay now playing the fucking game right now. Never fingered a girl in school ever once in my life.

Speaker 1 Jay,

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do to you what Sal did you, what you did to Sal.

Speaker 1 Yes, you've done it. I would definitely do it.

Speaker 1 I've canceled the plans we had because

Speaker 1 of your behavior towards me. This is Lewis all day long.

Speaker 1 This is either hormones or big J.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 I thought it was

Speaker 1 like Sal Gates. I thought it was.
I don't, I believe Sal when he says he's never fingered anything.

Speaker 1 Sal's fingered. I don't know if that's in the darkroom.

Speaker 1 Can't see me.

Speaker 1 But you look like a photographer with that hat

Speaker 1 yeah there's something like remnants of photography it's true

Speaker 1 heels are the guy who raped all the girls at Abercrombie

Speaker 1 the owner

Speaker 1 I just feel like County California would have

Speaker 1 some types of fun

Speaker 1 let me say a joke again heels of the guy who raped all the employees of urban outfitters

Speaker 1 Anita Baker my

Speaker 1 question is

Speaker 1 when Sal said I've never fingered in my life did that seem genuine

Speaker 1 Did you believe you guys believed him when he said that? I kind of, I mean, he's probably fingered, but I do, I would also see Sal being like, no, I'm not fingering you in a photography class.

Speaker 1 It's too icky. He would say icky.

Speaker 1 I have a job to do right now, and it's not fingering you. It's developing these fingers.
It's hormos or big J.

Speaker 1 Period.

Speaker 1 Unless

Speaker 1 you're ignoring the fingering, and then

Speaker 1 you're saying Sal, that's crazy. Trying to think it out.
It's not South. Louis saying he thinks it's me, is the whole thing.
He seen my school had bars on every window.

Speaker 1 There was no expensive camera equipment. Yeah, but you might have been like at a Michelle Pfeiffer school where it was bad, but then all of a sudden there was some hope.

Speaker 1 Somebody brought a camera and was like, let me give you a shit.

Speaker 1 Maybe we had a teacher who was willing to sit with her chair turned backwards. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going. Maybe it is me.
I'm going, Big Jay. I've been jarring that down.
Idiot.

Speaker 1 I'm having a hard time. I'm having a hard time.

Speaker 1 Just so you know, Big Jay is a liar and it's been proven. This is Lewis.

Speaker 1 No, you're going to get it wrong. It's Lewis.
You're just going to give Lewis points. Oh, God.
Hormos, do me a favor. Do not break Sal's heart for a second.

Speaker 1 I'm promising. I'm going to have to pick up the pieces.

Speaker 1 Look me in the eye. It's not me.
No photography. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Then listen. I promise.

Speaker 1 I will not be able to handle two of it. Sal.
I won't. Sal.
I will have a mental fucking shit. Look at me.
I'm not like him.

Speaker 1 I'm not like him.

Speaker 1 This show is not good for your psyche. I'm going to leave here questioning fucking really.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a little bit like, you know, that's not their, you know, you ask it a model on your finger. And that's Scott Lewis, I think, on it.
But I don't know.

Speaker 1 I've never taken a photography class in my life.

Speaker 1 But I will say. It didn't say you took a photography class.
It says you fingered a girl in the dark room.

Speaker 1 That's a great point. That's a great point.

Speaker 1 But Jay Jay knows that because it was probably Big J.

Speaker 1 There was no cameras in my school. Yeah, there were security cameras.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I wish it would have been safer. You're going to get it off.
I swear to you.

Speaker 1 But you'll know that this is trust.

Speaker 1 Sal. He's been hurt.
He's been hurt. He doesn't trust anymore.

Speaker 1 I've been scorned earlier.

Speaker 1 Dude, if this is Mike Racine again, we're going to lose our fucking mindset. Sal, I don't know if it's Mike Racine.
I know it's not me. It's not me.
I think it's Lewis.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's not a hormones, but I would think, let me tell you something. If Hormos is lying to you the way he's lying to you, he's a monster.
And I'm not. And I'm not.
I'm not a monster.

Speaker 1 It's Lewis. I mean, it's not me.
I think it's Lewis. But it's not me.
I swear to you, it's Louis. Sal.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't do you twice, buddy. Fuck, I think it's hormos.
It's just that, right? But you can trust me.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. It's not.
Hormos lied to everyone's face in the very first round.

Speaker 1 Yeah, everyone's face. Like 40 minutes ago.
I'm telling you, this is us building trust right now. It's not me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but after this whole thing, if I put Lewis and it's you, I'll need to leave.

Speaker 1 You can punch me in the dick. I'll need to leave.
I'm going to run. You can punch me in the dick if it's me.

Speaker 1 I'll let you punch me in the dick if it's me.

Speaker 1 I appeal to you.

Speaker 1 Formos.

Speaker 1 Lewis. Lewis.

Speaker 1 Big J.

Speaker 1 Microscene.

Speaker 1 It could be Microscene.

Speaker 1 No, if it was Microscene, it would say, I figured a girl in the dark room in my class, a school photography class, after I asked her to model for me at the school, and then I thought about killing myself.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 1 Sal, Sal, Sal.

Speaker 1 You're doing the right thing. Sal, Sal, listen to me.
You're giving hormos for Big J points right now. Sal, Sal, I don't think it's receiving

Speaker 1 me. Just know that

Speaker 1 you can punch me in the dick.

Speaker 1 Buddy,

Speaker 1 I'm not doing you twice like that. Sal, he would, he would vote.

Speaker 1 No, you're wrong. I, I voted

Speaker 1 in the dick. It could be hormone, but if it's hormones, it could be a lie, too.
No, but you're, you,

Speaker 1 everyone goes anything. And then you're going to take that off a right back.
No, no, you're just going to punch me in the dick. In Iran, they love being punched in the dick.

Speaker 1 No, Sal, no. I think you're gonna be right.
You're doing the right thing. You're doing the right thing.

Speaker 1 Sal. But Lewis.
Sal, I think that was the right move. I believe.
Don't get Lewis.

Speaker 1 Who did I vote for?

Speaker 1 Fuck. Lock it in, bro.
Lock it in. No, Sal, no.
Lock it in. You're doing the right thing.
Lock it in.

Speaker 1 Sell no. No.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 It's almost. I did.
Don't like this show.

Speaker 1 No, Sal, no. No.

Speaker 1 Good job. Good job!

Speaker 1 I swear, I'm not lying. It's not me.

Speaker 1 Alex, all the answers are introverted dramatically.

Speaker 3 Holy shit, everybody.

Speaker 3 Story number six belongs to

Speaker 3 Louis Jay.

Speaker 1 I told you. Best friends forever.

Speaker 1 That was an emotional fucking roller coaster.

Speaker 1 So, yeah,

Speaker 1 Louis Saul, so cool you were fingering this chimney. I was starker.

Speaker 1 I really, I really always wanted to be like

Speaker 1 some sort of creepy director.

Speaker 1 I was like, come after school, I'll take some photos of you. And yeah, this chick, I met her after school,

Speaker 1 this Greek chick, who was super cute. And I was like, hey, you'd be my model.

Speaker 1 I didn't know how to take photographs at all.

Speaker 1 Will you be my muse?

Speaker 1 And then I took a bunch of like, you know, three-quarter shots where like the triangle of shadow on her cheek and I fucking did all these things.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, here, come to the dark room with me. And then, yeah, then I finger-banged her.

Speaker 1 I think it was consensual, but honestly, it was too dark.

Speaker 1 I'm sure it was. Long time ago.
It was too dark to really know.

Speaker 1 That's bad taste. And you really never fingered a girl in your life.

Speaker 1 It's Story Wars. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I have to imagine I have, but I've lived a long life.

Speaker 1 I'd have to imagine. And by the way, I had a great, I was very good at photography in high school.
I had like

Speaker 1 a hundred. I didn't like it.

Speaker 1 You don't like finger banging? I was better at fingering. I'll take it or leave it.

Speaker 1 I was better at fingering than photography.

Speaker 1 What you have to do is the the secret is

Speaker 1 pretend like you're changing her aperture.

Speaker 1 That was a photography. That was a photography joke, folks.

Speaker 1 Her aperture. This crowd doesn't give photography humor.

Speaker 1 Six stories down, where are our points at?

Speaker 1 Louis Leibowitz over here.

Speaker 3 In one of the closest games in the show's history.

Speaker 3 Tied for fourth place with eight points each. Luis J.
Gomez and Mike Racine.

Speaker 3 Tied for second place with nine points each.

Speaker 3 Big Jay Okerson and Sal Volcano.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with ten points.

Speaker 3 Formos Rashidi. Wow.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Two more stories. Truly anybody's game, folks.
Are you guys having a good time?

Speaker 1 Having a good time.

Speaker 1 Alex, story number seven.

Speaker 3 Story number seven.

Speaker 3 When I was a kid, a middle-aged woman that lived in the neighborhood convinced us that she kidnapped our friend and decapitated him.

Speaker 3 We didn't believe her. And then she held his head by the scalp in her window.

Speaker 1 What? Oh, he was probably in on it. Yeah, this does sound like Iranian childhood.

Speaker 1 Your family has been decapitated. No, no, because this is a middle-aged woman.

Speaker 1 Middle-aged women aren't allowed to speak with men in Iran. So it couldn't be my story.

Speaker 1 Did one of us have the childhood of the movie Weapons?

Speaker 1 Psych, you just got impractical joke.

Speaker 1 Is the idea here that I guess he's in on it?

Speaker 1 That's got to be it. It's not like we're not, someone's not telling us that this woman decapitated the child.

Speaker 1 Then she showed everyone she did it.

Speaker 1 They call her the

Speaker 1 black widow of

Speaker 1 Kuwait.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he must be in on it.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 this is another fun prank through the window story.

Speaker 1 A little crow-like overall in its tone.

Speaker 1 It's got a crow-like tone, this entire story right now. But you have to, now you're assuming, though, this is like a zany town because this is happening at him, not because because of him.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, but this is also could be part of like the

Speaker 1 sort of an impractical

Speaker 1 origin story. Absolutely.
I could say absolute lootly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm leaning towards Sal. I agree with you.

Speaker 1 By the way, Sal was bitten by a hilarious spider.

Speaker 1 So why are you leaning towards Sal?

Speaker 1 Because it does seem like

Speaker 1 if you're going to pretend like you're the crow, maybe your friends also do pranks where they forget your heads got cut off.

Speaker 1 It does seem like a vibe of his friend group. I don't see any connection between these two things, but happy for you to guess me.
I don't care.

Speaker 1 I do feel like I would have heard this story if it was one of you guys. Oh my God.
Yeah, the hilarious lady in my neighborhood. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would never stop talking about her. Ruth? Oh, she was the best, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bloody Mary on the corner. I'm leaning toward one of you guys, but I also don't know how to distinguish between either of you for the story.

Speaker 1 I want to say hormos because this sounds very Middle Eastern, but

Speaker 1 he grew up in Orange County, which doesn't seem like this energy. I'm going to go, this sounds like a Jersey psychopath.

Speaker 1 Mike Racine

Speaker 1 had a lunatic lady in his neighborhood that did this fucking prank and convinced the kid to play along. It's my guess.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a good guess. I'm thinking, I'm going to go with my original instinct.
I think Sal Vocano, this was sort of the moment that inspired him to be just a theatrical fun guy.

Speaker 1 Always looking for an origin story. Theatrics, look at this.
This is great. This woman on the corner.
I mean, this is insanity. I don't understand what this even is.

Speaker 1 Also, it's a long story.

Speaker 1 And the other one was a long story that was Sal's, too. So I'm going to go with Sal.

Speaker 1 The logic escapes me, but I will say, choose between the two of you. You have had the darkest story so far.
And this is fucked up big time. So

Speaker 1 I'm going with Mike. That's how I feel.
I feel confident in it,

Speaker 1 and I'm landed on it.

Speaker 1 You were right about the Orange County thing. It's not really the vibe.
It's not.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Could be Sal.

Speaker 1 So puts his vote in for Racine. Racine puts his vote in for Sal.

Speaker 1 Big J votes for Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 Beer all over me.

Speaker 1 It's got to happen. Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 3 Story number seven belongs to

Speaker 3 Sal Bolcano.

Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 1 Yep, how is me?

Speaker 1 But me and you had a whole conversation about how it was Racine.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was playing the game.

Speaker 1 I did not lie well there. I know.
I know I didn't. I was like, me?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 so, did you watch, did you watch one of your neighborhood kids get murdered or was there anything else? So, we lived in these like garden apartments.

Speaker 1 So, like, you know, the like the parking lot was in the middle of all of them. And she lived in the third floor.
There were only three stories. She lived in the third floor.

Speaker 1 And in the stairwell, each stairwell had like an octagon-type window that would look out onto the street. And so it was during Halloween.

Speaker 1 And she was a lunatic for telling the the kids that she she kidnapped him and decapitated him she did do that she did tell us that but then my buddy mario i guess i don't know how he was in on it but he went up and went to the third floor and then she pulled his head up from the window

Speaker 1 and he was like that and we were young enough to believe it as well so it was pretty fucked up

Speaker 1 we were like oh my god like we screaming like

Speaker 1 you know get the authorities

Speaker 1 yeah yeah and also it's just she was like it escaped me because i i i couldn't believe it but it looks so real because she pulled his head up.

Speaker 1 And I was like, remember having the thought, this is brazen.

Speaker 1 This is more brazen than anything I've come across. She's taunting us with his head now.
Very brazen. Yeah.
Agreed.

Speaker 1 So, again, haven't thought of this story until I had to sit there and think about what darkness in my life. But

Speaker 1 we got seven stories down. We have one more story.
Where are our points at?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 In last place

Speaker 3 with nine points.

Speaker 3 Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 3 In fourth place with 11 points, Sal Volcano.

Speaker 3 Tied for second place with 12 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Mike Racine.

Speaker 3 And in the lead with 14 points, Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 1 Wow.

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Speaker 4 All right, where were we?

Speaker 1 One more story, Alex. Are you guys ready for our final story? Come on.

Speaker 1 Anyone's game?

Speaker 1 Story number eight.

Speaker 3 Story number eight.

Speaker 3 I performed at a festival with a guy who said he was the brother of Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of The Darkness,

Speaker 3 who brought us the retro mega hit, I Believe in a Thing Called Love, heard here.

Speaker 3 I didn't really care, though.

Speaker 1 Sal, why are you squinting and staring at it?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to read it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 This is interesting.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is on the nose.

Speaker 1 The band called The Darkness, someone had that story, huh? So Big J gets introduced to a lot of rock stars.

Speaker 1 Big J also is comfortable enough with the game to do this silly little thing that he just did.

Speaker 1 What's the,

Speaker 1 who says they know the lead? It says, I met the brother of a guy who said.

Speaker 1 You.

Speaker 1 No, you just said about me. I have met plenty of goofy rock stars.
This is the meeting of rock stars, it says.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I performed at a festival with a guy who said he was the brother of Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of The Darkness, who brought us to the Retro Mega hit, I believe in I think Olev.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm saying

Speaker 1 that guy could be in another band that you performed with.

Speaker 1 You do a lot of music stuff, is what I'm saying. Who chose the darkness as the topic, might I ask?

Speaker 1 Did I? No, I think Alex sent it to the group, didn't she?

Speaker 1 Alex?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I suggested it.

Speaker 1 Alex suggested it.

Speaker 1 Just so on the nose.

Speaker 1 Really convenient.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like it could be Jay, but it could also be Lewis trying to throw us towards Jay. I don't think it's Lewis.
I think Lewis would be excited to. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, he's never gotten chosen to perform at a festival.

Speaker 1 I run my own festival for that reason. That's right.

Speaker 1 And I can get the brother of the guy from the darkness to perform at my festival anytime I want. It's very possible.

Speaker 1 Very, very possible.

Speaker 1 John Hawkins.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm getting Big J vibes here. Yeah, I bet.

Speaker 1 I do spoil Big J's wins every time. Sure.
I'm already in the last place. This.

Speaker 1 Well, if this is, hold on. If this is your story, you could easily win.
Oh, if no one votes for me, I guess so, yeah. He's acting like he doesn't know how the game works right now.

Speaker 1 This is definitely Big J. I know how everybody.
Now I think it's you, you fuck.

Speaker 1 I kept thinking this is Sal. I feel like Hormo's only had one so far.
Sure. That's true.

Speaker 1 We had recently, though, just so you know, Karen Feahan won a game, didn't have one story. She had zero stories in one.
Bobby Kelly had three stories one time.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, because they were all kind of gross.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if we want to be on YouTube, we had to keep it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They were all a little nasty. She's like, I got fingering in the dark room one time.

Speaker 1 I could see Racine not caring about the lead singer of the darkness.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 I think any of us could not care about that, though. I think everyone here doesn't care about the lead singer.

Speaker 1 I'm just going with my instinct. Big J is involved with rock sauce all the time.
That's kind of his thing. Yeah, that set seems easy, though.
And I think we've only had one story. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think we've only had one story from Big J as well. We've only had one story from me.
Oh, yeah? Yep.

Speaker 1 There's eight stories, five of us. Okay.

Speaker 1 Whatever. But that you can't, I wouldn't base it off of the fact that we've had one story or who had the last story.
It's

Speaker 1 a little bit random.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get the voting going. Big Jay Oakerson.
I feel like if Jay wrote that, he would absolutely know that we would suspect him immediately. And maybe that's part of the strategy.

Speaker 1 Just so you know, Lewis move. Jay is horrific at this game.

Speaker 1 Listen, for that reason,

Speaker 1 I'm going to change this to Lewis, but I will say, I am horrific at this game. You're not making a terrible move, Mike.

Speaker 1 What does it say, Mike? You're wrong, but you're not making a terrible move.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, it's long, though, so it could be me.

Speaker 1 I think this is Lewis. Lewis has been pushing this on me since the second it fucking started, so I'm going with Lewis.

Speaker 1 This is the game. This is it.
Is it Lewis or is it Big J? Who's in first place right now? It's Formos in first place right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think with having people voted for me, I'm already out of it mathematically.

Speaker 1 So it don't matter to me. I want to choose different.
I don't know if I mathematically can win

Speaker 1 if I choose differently from you. I don't want to go in the same with you because then that wouldn't make a difference in the score.
So I'm going to go in.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 All of our answers are in. This has been a very close game, very strategic game field here.

Speaker 1 Alex, all of our answers are in.

Speaker 1 Front row is speculating.

Speaker 1 They have a scorecard on their table.

Speaker 1 They're taking it very seriously.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 3 The final story belongs to

Speaker 1 Big J.

Speaker 1 I knew it was you all along.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when I did the South African Cape Town Comedy Festival, one of the comics there was a weirdo. I mean a fucking

Speaker 1 sweetheart of a guy, but a fucking weirdo named Phil Kay,

Speaker 1 who, I mean, lived in a fucking RV and smelled horrible and stole things from stores while we were there.

Speaker 1 And his big claim to fame, and he was always like, yeah, my brother's Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of the darkness. And he would keep saying that, like, we'd go, Shut up.

Speaker 1 And everyone was like, Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 1 I thought it was a good excuse. You know how many times he has to sing that song just to explain to people who is like, Oh my god, my brother's not.
You know how many times he's going, he's gone,

Speaker 1 come on, you heard that that one time.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, sorry, Jay. I feel like I uh

Speaker 1 really spoiled your victory there. I don't care,

Speaker 1 Alex, where where are our final scores at?

Speaker 3 All right, our final scores in last place with 11 points. Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 this couple here is emotionally spent. The guys are on our shoulder.
He's like, Damn, baby, that was a tough one. I came down to the wire.

Speaker 3 In fourth place with 14 points, Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 3 in third place with 15 points, Sal Volcano.

Speaker 3 And tied for the lead with 16 points each

Speaker 3 Luis J. Gomez and Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 All right, there are no ties here at Story Wars, so we are going to go into overtime. One final round

Speaker 1 between

Speaker 1 myself and Mike Racine. For those of you guys who don't know how it works, it's just going to be me and Mike Racine playing this final round.

Speaker 1 One of the last, the last story that's going to be picked right now is not going to be mine or Mike's. It could be Big J's, Hormos's, or Sal's.

Speaker 1 Mike, just kind of like Final Jeopardy rules, we're going to actually

Speaker 1 risk some of our points here. So you can risk up to 16 points.
Secret ballot. Secret ballot, put it on the back of your scorecard.
Do not tell me what it's going to be.

Speaker 1 And then we get to vote afterwards. It's not going to be one of our stories.
It's going to be one of theirs. You guys can throw us as much as you guys want.
You can still rivet. You can still join in.

Speaker 1 But it's time right now to wager your points, Mike. Erase your front.
Erase your front first so it doesn't show after.

Speaker 1 Look at everyone. Look at they're all helping him.

Speaker 1 All of it, every single last bit of it.

Speaker 1 Good answer, my good answer.

Speaker 1 Okay, he wrote the words.

Speaker 1 Alex, our final story. Story number nine.

Speaker 3 Story number nine.

Speaker 3 My ex-girlfriend would run through the pitch black woods in the middle of the night to meet me.

Speaker 1 I would not have done that for her.

Speaker 3 Because I'm afraid of the woods and the dark.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 if I say Sal first, do I get to write it down?

Speaker 1 We can both vote for the same. We can both vote for Sal.
Yeah, we can both vote for Sal.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know Big J growing up was afraid of the dark. Growing up?

Speaker 1 Are you still afraid of the dark? Yeah. To this day, are you afraid of woods? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 The woods and the dark. It says I would not have run also seeming like Big J.

Speaker 1 It does technically say that. Lots of Big J vibes in this story.
Sure. But who's not afraid of the woods of the dark? Yeah, right.
But Sal grew up in Staten Island. There's some woods there.

Speaker 1 I also do.

Speaker 1 Thorough parks. Yeah.
There's a lot of. I call it the forest.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's just a little more magical. You'd be surprised what I would do to meet a girl, though.
What I would do to meet a chick, maybe, though, is definitely.

Speaker 1 My ex-girlfriend would run through the pitch black woods in the middle of the night. I kind of know all of your ex-girlfriends, too.

Speaker 1 If this was run

Speaker 1 away from your home because your wife came home, that would make sense.

Speaker 1 That'd make you feel good. We got two laughs.

Speaker 1 Hope that was worth it.

Speaker 1 It was.

Speaker 1 Hormos.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're gay.

Speaker 1 Just like that, you're back.

Speaker 1 Theatrical.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 I'll get the vote though, but I'm going to go Big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 That is my answer. See, I don't know if Sal would write such an obvious story about himself.

Speaker 1 Say, I don't think you're afraid of the woods or the dark.

Speaker 1 I used to finger girls in the woods, bro.

Speaker 1 In the forest.

Speaker 1 Forest. Literally.
Forest finger in the forest, bro. Oh, Sal's classic forest finger.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I see Jay being afraid of the woods in the dark.

Speaker 1 I do look like I shouldn't be.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's just.
The crow wouldn't be afraid of the dark.

Speaker 1 There's no woods in California, Doug.

Speaker 1 Mike Racine putting down hormones dry erase board. We have two different answers.
I mean, at this point,

Speaker 1 we have a winner no matter what. Here,

Speaker 1 do you want to see how many points we put up each, real quick? Yes. I wagered all of my 16 points.

Speaker 1 I have that much confidence. That's a bonehead move.
I wagered

Speaker 1 one point.

Speaker 1 No?

Speaker 1 One point. Let's see.

Speaker 1 Alex.

Speaker 3 Our overtime story, story number nine, belongs to

Speaker 1 Big Big Jay Okerson.

Speaker 1 Man,

Speaker 1 poor Cheryl.

Speaker 1 She would climb out of the window of her parents' trailer she lived in, double-wide trailer. and then walk through the woods and then I would blink my

Speaker 1 headlights into the woods and she would just emerge in her pullover starter,

Speaker 1 Charlotte Hornet starter jacket.

Speaker 1 And then we'd fuck, and then I would just release her back into the woods. It was crazy.

Speaker 1 And I mean,

Speaker 1 I was so excited to be having sex. We were so young.
It was so great. But yet, I'm telling you, I would not have done that same thing for her.
This isn't the girl from the movie with

Speaker 1 the meteor coming toward Earth.

Speaker 1 Yes. It is.
It's her. Same girl.
Oh, wow. Because she wears the Bugs Bunny stuff.
Yeah, Jay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. You like how I picked that up? Just on her, just on her aesthetic.
She was South Jersey garbage.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah.

Speaker 1 The sleeves. Alex, make it official.

Speaker 3 All right, in last place with 11 points, big Jay Ogerson.

Speaker 1 Still, top two funny, though. Top two funny.

Speaker 3 In fourth place with 14 points, Hormos Rashidi.

Speaker 1 I've let my country down.

Speaker 3 Tied for second place with 15 points each. Mike Racine and Sal Volcano.

Speaker 3 And your winner tonight with 32 points,

Speaker 3 Louis J. Gomez.

Speaker 1 He's bored of winning.

Speaker 1 Look at his face. Zero emotions.
He's like, another book. Great.

Speaker 1 Thanks.

Speaker 1 Is that maybe a high score of all tonight? No, I think I had a recent high score. It was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 I've beaten that score.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You have 36 points once, and you gave yourself Septuple points, and I think you had 54.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Septuple points.

Speaker 1 Septuple points, Turkey.

Speaker 1 All right, well, that's it, guys. Thanks for coming.

Speaker 1 How about it? A big round of applause for our whole panel. Sal Volcano,

Speaker 1 Hormoz Rashidi,

Speaker 1 Mike Racine.

Speaker 1 Lois is your winner. She showed her almost hits.

Speaker 1 We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars, everybody. Until then, peace.
Thank you.

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