062. Jason Ellis, Ryan Shaner, Greg Stone | Regrets

I'm right about a lot of things that people have zero clue that they even know is going on.

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The HBO original series, The Chair Company, premieres this Sunday at 10 p.m.

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Hey, Story Warriors.

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Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story War

with the Story Warriors, Big J.

Okerson and Lewis Jay Gomez.

What is up?

Welcome to Story Wars, everybody.

Make some fucking noise near New York City, would you please?

Wow.

Holy shit.

We're at our new home.

I mean, our home now at this point, the New York Comedy Club.

Sold out every Wednesday night.

Get your tickets in advance, folks.

Yeah, we are sold out, everyone.

We asked us at the beginning of every show, how many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

How many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars?

What, do you live under a rock you jerk off?

Did you see him just sell his chick out?

He went.

It is a very, very simple game.

We'll explain it if you're unfamiliar.

You.

After we get our amazing panel up here.

Lewis, you want to bring our first contestant?

Sure, our first competitor.

By the way, I think maybe since like the third or fourth show, this is the first time that we have three all-new Story Wars competitors.

None of these people have played the the game before.

Very excited.

Very excited.

Everyone is in for a treat tonight.

Our first competitor making a Story Wars debut.

You know him from The End Podcast.

We love him here on all the shows that we do on Gast Digital.

Clap it up for Ryan Shaner.

Ryan Shannon, Ryan Shayner, Ryan Shayner, Ryan Shannon, Ryan, Shayner, Ryan, Shayner, Ryan, Shayner, Ryan, Shayner, Ryan, Shannon, Ryan, Shayner, Ryan, Shayner, Ryan, Shayner.

He's a fucking loose cannon.

Happy to have you on the show, Ryan.

How are you feeling?

Thanks for having me, dude.

I feel the love in this room right now.

A lot of love.

How could you not?

Our second contestant from the Welcome to Talk Town podcast and his special nobody presents Greg Stone.

It is the hilarious Greg Stone in the house.

Greg Stone, Greg Stone.

And our last competitor, yes, it's another white guy.

Very excited about this.

It's a completely all-white male panel today.

You know him as an MMA fighter, professional skateboarder, and the creator of Ellis Mania.

Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for the great Jason Ellis.

Jason, great to have you here, my man.

Welcome to Story Wars.

All three of you for the first time.

Welcome to to Story Wars.

You guys look like you're a hardcore band.

Who's the singer?

Who's the singer?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, my bad.

Definitely the bass player.

I thought Greg was the manager.

Yeah, yeah.

You got to get my guys on.

And I'm definitely the guy who gets busted for child pornography later.

Absolutely.

I just quit the band.

What the fuck?

Yeah, but it was on a hard drive that you found.

It wasn't like you should have thrown it out, but you didn't.

If you are not familiar with the game Story Wars, or is your first time listening at home?

It's a very simple game.

All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific topic.

Tonight's topic: regrets.

Regrets.

That's tough for me.

This is going to be tough.

Because, as you guys know, I don't have any regrets.

No regrets.

Not a single one on your face, dude.

One time I killed my tattoo artist with my bare hands.

That I would not regret.

Oh, our lovely producer, Alex, is going to read.

Yeah.

She's going to read off eight of those stories one at a time.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that.

It's your job to fool everybody else that it is not your story.

If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

And every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points.

And for every person person you fool when it is your story, you get one point.

So if it's your story, you can get up to four points in that round, which is the biggest opportunity to get points.

Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in this little slot and remove your hands.

That's it.

You can't change your answer.

And I'll tell you right now, this game is so much fun.

You guys are about to have more fun than you've ever had in any of the podcasts, but we are not playing for fun.

Jay, let them know what we're playing for today.

Every week here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars library.

Tonight's winner gets to take home you're in the wrong bathroom and 20 Other Myths and Misconceptions about Transgender and Gender Nonconforming People by Laura Exen Schroth, MD, and Laura A.

Jacobs, LCSW-R.

You're in the Wrong Bathroom is a comprehensive guide that debunks 21 core myths about transgender and gender non-conforming people.

Authored by a psychiatrist and a therapist, the book uses clinical and lived expertise to address common misunderstandings about identity and health.

And it's designed to be accessible.

No jargon resource to correct pervasive social and political misinformation surrounding transgender issues.

Yes.

Man, I feel good.

Does this audience feel good?

Are you guys ready for war?

Are you guys ready for war?

With no further ado, Alexandra,

story number one.

Story number one.

I got an inhaler stuck in a woman's vagina and had to take her to the ER.

I just hear it in an Australian voice.

What about an inhaler?

But he doesn't strike me as the asthma type.

No,

Jason's a hypothetical.

Everything else about that story makes sense either, right?

Except the asthma.

I don't think it was his inhaler.

Oh.

Oh, she was like, I'm having an asthma attack.

Give me my inhaler.

You do it?

Breathing!

It's like how the toilets go the other direction.

You inhale through your pussy.

It's hemispherical.

It's going down under.

Oh, man.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't fucking have that at him, man.

Greg is terrified of Jason.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm really kidding.

Whatever you want me to do.

Whatever you want me to do.

He just keeps apologizing.

I'll just look over here.

Hey, Big J.

Jay.

I think it's Jason.

Unless he doesn't want that.

Yeah, whatever you do.

Fuck you, Shanner.

Just punch Shanner in the face.

I mean, if I'm thinking,

no offense, Greg, you are the biggest dweeb on this panel right now.

No, you're a great dude.

He's a great.

But let me ask you a question.

Do you have asthma?

I 100% have asthma.

Wow.

100%.

Now, just so you know, you can lie.

You could just say, no, you don't have asthma.

All right.

As soon as this story started, I heard him go,

yes, sure.

Oh no.

I 100% have asthma, but what chance do you think I would ever have of putting my inhaler into a woman's vagina?

It's because I don't think you know what to do with your dick, dude.

That's why.

I think you're like, I'm going to put this fucking thing.

She's going to like it.

I just realized that when my penis is 75% erect, it's the exact size of an inhaler.

Not all the way.

It gets bigger if it's all the way erect.

I mean, this is definitely a big J story.

I mean, without a doubt.

I can see, I mean, you're the sexual, you're the sexual man in the group, you know?

Like, you've been to places.

He's the sexual marriage.

You guys don't see that?

Your mind?

Look at him.

Look at him.

Yeah, I can see him.

Look at you.

And then look at him.

That's the sexual man.

Maybe take a double take on me.

Seriously.

I'll fuck that.

I mean, I'll fuck you if you want me to.

I'm really scared.

But yeah, I will.

That's the that man's been to places.

I think.

You don't think so?

I can't believe you don't look at Jason and see pure sexual energy.

The guy's built the fuck hard.

I know.

Thank you, Jay.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I picture it's like just a steady motion until she's like, no moss.

And then he comes on cue.

Sometimes I have one of those on me just in case they die.

I bring them back to life so I can keep fucking them.

That's right.

Jason fucks with the utility belts.

It's like Narcan.

It's just everything that brings somebody back to life.

He's Batman.

He's got the fucking two little panels.

Clear.

Clear.

Fuck man, they call me.

Jason, what are you thinking here?

I see the wheels turning right now.

I think it's you.

You're an asshole.

I don't think you're an asthma guy, but I think if a chick had that, you'd be like, what would it look like in your pussy?

I have shoved some questionable things inside of women.

I really have.

Lewis in his prime would go for it hard.

Not currently in my prime, you piece of shit.

No, you know what I'm saying.

I've never been better than I am today.

No,

your prime creep.

Your prime creep.

Oh, my prime creep.

Your prime young creeps.

Yeah, pretty creepy.

Shannon or do you have asthma?

No.

No.

No.

And even if I did, I wouldn't be putting a fucking plastic shit in some pussy, dude.

I'd be putting my dick in there, dude.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, dog.

I wouldn't be gay like these two gays.

Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, when I use it,

when I use mine, it's called the microplastic.

No, I mean, if it had to come down between two, honestly, I...

Greg, I'm sorry.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

I'm so happy about this.

You definitely...

I'm really happy you got this.

You definitely look like the type of guy who fucks and then sticks himself with an EpiPen afterwards.

What are we talking about before the show?

We were going to be real nice to each other?

Look, man.

I'm just kidding.

I just started talking to this dude.

Good dude.

But definitely fucks wild.

Yeah, I mean, that's definitely true.

Greg's wife is Asian as well.

That is another signal.

It means they have small pussies that would hold an inhaler inside.

Right.

Oh, oh.

He shoved it in sideways, I'm saying.

I got to assume what happened is it did the old, it anchored itself.

Like, I assume it went in, and then upon, like, you know, like, hey, I guess, I don't know, try to queef it out, or I'm going to go two-finger it.

It, it, it turned on him and became like a T-bar.

Oh, how fun would it be to actually hit it when it's in her pussy?

That's fun.

That's fun.

Oh, you go, I guess, you go on her pussy and pushing her belly button.

Oh, that would be so sad.

Oh, my God, dude.

That would open you up nice.

My instinct says, Greg Stone, I'm going to get the voting going right now.

I say, this is Greg.

So no offense, Greg, but you got a little bit of a nerd vibe.

You do have asthma, and

you have an Asian girlfriend with a tiny little vagina.

I'm going with my first instinct here.

Please.

And sing Jason Ellis.

Wow.

I think the guy parties.

I don't care if the girl has breathing issues.

I don't think he draws lines.

If I was going to, I would want to see if I, you, I'll pump it in your mouth and see if I could suck it out of your ass.

You don't get enough fucking question.

You don't get enough fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking

am I anathematic.

Greg Stone, all right, you can put it up there.

Please put it up when you're ready.

Greg Stone votes for Big Jay Okerson officially.

Why do you think it's Big J?

Shit, it's Greg.

Because

Big J,

I heard him tell one of the greatest sexual stories about coming on his face and falling on the ground with a belt and a pants.

That's a bad story.

No,

this is why it might be him, dude.

He knows that.

It depends on who you tell.

No, to me,

that's one of the great stories of fucking a woman and smashing your face in the ground.

Here, here.

Yeah, yeah.

You're a sexual beast.

I know it.

Game knows game.

Shannon, what are you thinking here?

Me?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You were so quick to say Greg and write it down.

Also, I hate Puerto Ricans.

It's fucking

shit.

You're here.

Here.

It's like.

You're here.

It's probably going to be a good thing.

It was a double-edged thing.

You were so quick to accuse.

I was like, that Puerto Rican snake.

Can't hate him, too.

Definitely Lewis.

Fair, fair reason.

I didn't realize.

I think I hate Puerto Ricans, too.

Wait, did you can you say that again with an Australian accent?

I really hate Puerto Ricans.

I think I hide them.

It's just so easy to do.

Right?

They're so fucking hateable.

I'm sorry to our half of our front row.

I apologize.

It's crazy.

You guys seem.

It's a crazy way to be.

No, it's not your fault.

It's his fault.

It's his fault

for making us think that you guys are going to behave like this.

You guys are cool.

Jason Ellis puts his official vote down.

Yeah, I reckon it's you.

Like, I know you're not an asthmatic guy, but I feel like Lewis drunk.

And the lady's like, look, I'm an asthmatic.

And you'd be like, you know, it'd be funny.

Maybe push this all the way inside of you.

Maybe.

Well, we'll see, guys.

And also, I will say, if it was me, I wouldn't take her to the ER.

I would kill her.

I am Puerto Rican.

Classic.

I wouldn't take her to the ER.

I would be like, I could get it out.

Give me a couple more tries.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Whose story is story number one?

Story number one belongs to

Greg Stone.

Ah!

Yep.

What did I say?

Virgin Dork.

Call me Al Buterol, baby.

So, Greg,

what happened?

Who is this woman?

First of all, how did you get a suck at her pussy?

Ninth grade.

Hell yeah.

Opening up

early ninth grade.

Well, she was in the ninth grade.

You were 30.

I was 35 years old.

Grabbed her off the school bus.

What are you doing later?

We were cooking after school, right?

And I was fingering.

We didn't want to fuck yet because we were very, very young.

And she was like, I was like fingering her and stuff or whatever.

And I was like, ah, you know, and she was like, grab something, put something in.

I was like, I don't know.

I don't freaked out.

And I had my inhaler, but the inhaler has two pieces: the plastic piece and the metal insert.

So I'm in alerts.

She goes, yeah, she goes, fuck me with that.

And I went, okay.

I put it in.

And you got her number?

Oh, yeah, I'll send it to you.

She's a dirty girl.

Anyway,

she's dirty because she's dead.

She's in the dirt.

She's in the dirt, dude.

They never could quite get that inhaler out.

Weirdly.

She died from toxic shock.

She can stay underwater for like nine hours.

I don't know how.

But I put it, I go, I put it in.

And I swear to God, I went, it just went in.

Yes.

And I was holding on to it too.

Like, no.

And it was like, it went in.

I was like, Pussy literally inhaled it.

Inhaled it.

Yes.

I've seen that.

What a look of warning.

He was like, he's not fucking around.

That could happen.

Danger.

Goes in.

I'm like, what the fuck?

She goes to the bathroom.

Nothing's coming out.

I was like, we got to.

She said, we got to go to the hospital.

Now, here's the thing.

We had to go to the ER that my mom worked at.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

You tell me the story was hot.

Kidding you.

On your bike.

And I was like, there's other hot.

I was like, we go to other.

She's like, no, we need to go to the closest one.

I'm freaking out.

I was like, okay.

We got on the bus,

went to the ER.

Oh my God, she was sitting on the, she was sitting on an inhaler.

Oh, yeah.

That's why you see people on trains.

You don't know what they're going through.

She should have been strap hanging for that ride.

We get there.

The triage nurse was my mom's best friend.

I walk up.

I'm like, hi, I'm here.

She goes into the bathroom and she, you know, I don't want to say her name, but she was like, oh, like, Greg, what are you doing here?

You You know, and uh,

my girlfriend, she comes out of the bathroom, she goes, It's out.

And I was like, Holy shit.

And I looked at Stinton, the lady, the nurse, and I was like,

And I was like,

I was like, I was like, oh, I'm good.

I was just seeing if my mom was working.

And she was like, no, she's off.

And I was like, I'll see you later.

And we left because all she had to do was relax.

She relaxed and it came out.

I queefed it out.

Oh, dude, that's my cue.

Bye.

Weirdly enough, that is what they say when you're having an asthma attack as well.

Relax.

Great story.

Greg Stone, clap it up.

What a fun story.

We're talking about putting together a Story Wars book of the best stories next year.

That's a contender right there, Greg Stone.

I love it.

Alex, where are our points at after our first story?

All right, on the board in second place with two points, Luis J.

Gomez.

Oh,

nice.

I've been having a hard time.

I I've not been winning.

I have a lot of wins, but I've been falling behind in the past few episodes, so I like coming out in the lead.

All right, Alex.

No.

Oh, there's more.

You're in second place.

You're in second place.

Oh.

Oh, I thought I was in first place.

In first place with three points, Greg Stone.

Hell yeah.

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All right, where were we?

Story number two.

Story number two.

I farted on some food that my friend had ordered, which he willingly ate out of spite.

He then got a severe.

This is like the beginning of a limerick.

I farted on food that my friend ordered, which he willingly ate out of spite.

Good.

Sorry.

I farted on food that my friend had ordered, which he willingly ate out of spite.

He then got a severe stomach flu and passed it to his girlfriend, who broke up with him over it.

Oh my gosh.

My girlfriend, who was her friend, broke up with me as well, calling me, quote, the grossest piece of shit she's ever met.

That's crazy.

I have a similar story, but it was chlamydia.

My early pick on this one is Shaner.

I don't know why, and only it farted on food.

I don't know why Freddy farted on food.

Wow, that's fucked up, dude.

It doesn't, it's no, it's, if it's for no other reason than just your your mustache if there's anybody who looks like they farted on food it's you Jay no it looks like I eat farted on food I wait on everybody else I fart on the food and everybody and I go oh gross right and everybody leaves and I go oh they left it all for me nice

you could blow a fart off of food

it's a it's a long story

yeah which you know

I'm kind of having trouble I'm sort of leaning towards Shanner as well you're from Philly dude Philly people are absolute pieces of shit like right low-class, low-grade.

And honestly, who knows if it was that or if it was just a shitty Philly cheesesteak that gave them the summer.

Whoa, no such thing, bro.

You think I'm going to fart on cheesesteak?

Cheesesteak is 90% farts as is, dude.

You think I'm going to waste a fart on cheesesteak?

Grow up.

What an idiot.

What a fucking.

Farting on your friends' food is a great prank.

I will spend time in Philly with dumb shit like that.

God damn.

See, I would think my mind went to Shaner,

because Lewis would do something way worse than fart it.

Like, you'd shove it up.

Like, shove it at her pussy, you piece of shit.

You fucking scumbag.

How dare you?

Nick, you go.

You nearly killed the child.

You know, I go back to this.

Mother of it had asthma.

She was in ninth grade, and he showed, I have this, and she goes, fuck me with this.

It's just so little.

Yeah.

Jeez.

It was a big one.

A huge inhaler.

Yeah, it was like that.

It's a big old motherfucker.

You have to fuck her with it like that.

You want to fuck somebody with something you can get a grip on.

I was in ninth grade.

I didn't know the ins and outs.

Oh, they didn't teach you about torque?

Fucking.

Jason is being very quiet.

Yeah, that's also.

I mean, I'm being really quiet.

I'm just letting everybody roll their bullshit out.

This shiny guy, the first thing he said was like, that is disgusting.

Which means he did it.

Yeah.

It's you.

He the first person to make a comment.

As soon as that story ended, he was like, oh my god, who would do such a thing?

Did I do it?

You fucking did it.

Did I do that?

Yeah.

It's you, you son of a bitch.

Yeah, it's

it'sn't you.

It was Shayner.

It was Shayner.

It was Shane.

Buddy, fuck Shaner.

I really love

a bitch.

Or maybe somebody.

Let me say, I see this as possibly being the world of professional skateboarding, a bunch of fucking gross hot boys who are gross all the time.

Like australian jackass shit yeah so it's like if you call it jack arse yeah you fucking

you fucking crack a rat on some guy's vege of mine sandwich motherfuckers

we're not fucking pirates we're close but we're not

this has very cky vibes to it dude oh my god

i hate where i'm from right now so much

I don't even live there.

Fuck you guys, man.

I moved here.

Fuck yeah, America.

I got two American kids because I fucked an American pussy.

Fuck off.

Hell yeah.

USA.

USA.

USA.

USA.

Mexico to the Puerto Ricans.

USAs.

That was good.

Fucking bullshit.

I am.

I'm getting major LS vibes right now.

I'm fucking finding this really offensive, man.

That's childish shit.

I don't fucking shit on people's food.

Jason, listen, the first time we all heard of you, you were shoving 180 MMs in the fucking in your dick helmet for Howard Stern.

That was to be famous.

What?

That was to be...

It was on Howard Stern.

It was on Howard Stern.

That's how I got on the Howard Stern show.

You know, he was like, I don't give a fuck who that dude is.

And I was like, I bet you I could put more MMs in my foreskin than your fucking

whatever dickhead.

And he was like, all right, you're you're on the show.

And then my show became huge.

So fuck you guys.

I'm brilliant.

That was a power move.

You could do it again if you had to.

I'll fucking do it right now if I had to.

Jason looks like Bam Bam Bigelow on Ozempic.

He's American, though, so hell yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

I am crushing today.

Later, let people say it.

Jay, you're going to get the voting going?

I think I'm going to get the voting.

Oh, man.

I really think we all started

going over to Jason and really ignoring that the strongly is probably Shaner.

I know, it's hard.

I just hear the grossest piece of shit I've ever met, scream Shaner.

That's the only part of that.

That's the only part of that.

You just heard about a guy who's shoving MMs in his foreskin to be famous.

Now,

what's stopping him from farting on a sandwich to be famous?

This scene, Shaner also used to have long hair and shit.

Yeah, this is Shane.

I'm going.

I'll start it.

I'll start it off.

Yes, indeed.

Big J puts down Shaner, makes it official, removes his hand.

All right, his left hand.

Alex, do you have a pen?

You can use mine, but you better fucking give it back.

I'm not going to, yeah, whatever you want.

Don't shove it inside of a teenager, Greg.

Look at that huge marker.

All right, I'm going with my instincts today.

Jason Ellis is my answer.

You're an idiot.

We've met, I see.

He wrote down Shane.

He wrote down Shannon, but he had in parentheses Jason with an error for it to Jason.

Fucking Shannon, totally, man.

Fucking piece of shit.

This is wild, dude.

You better watch your ass.

You're going to get a fucking asthma inhaler.

You're pussy, dude.

You better watch.

Dude.

Jason.

I'll kick you in the ass so hard it'll turn into a pussy, fucking asshole.

So this is how I would spell it if I was Australian.

China.

Chaina.

China.

Chaina.

When you put it like that, it does make me seem like a piece of shit, honestly.

I'm telling you,

honestly, I thought it was at least a skank thing all the way through.

Like, oh, I fucking thought.

And the other one's like, watch me, I don't care.

That, oh, shit.

Everybody's got fucking pink eye or whatever.

That makes sense.

But the first thing that came out of his mouth before anyone said anything, that is absolutely disgusting.

And I was like, I fucking did it.

You're full of shit.

I don't even remember saying that.

If we played poker, you would lose.

Damn it, no.

The amount of

energy that Jason's putting into this right now is making me realize that it's not just.

It couldn't be him.

No, I don't think it is.

You don't know.

I'm on steroids.

Right.

And they're fucking working, baby.

And this is why we will not be fighting bare knuckle.

Fuck you, you lunatic.

I don't want to fight beat up.

He tells me to a bare knuckle fight for a BKFC.

I was like, no fucking way, you lunatic.

What are you talking about, man?

That's living.

That's insane.

That's fucking hell.

Yeah, man.

You want to fight?

Let's fucking go.

We need 35 ounces.

Broken.

Nah, dude, that's.

Otherwise, don't play.

Don't fucking tickle people with your fighting bullshit.

To the death, otherwise, shut the fuck up.

He's right, dude.

You are a fucking person.

It's crazy.

I never even like noticed it before.

What a fucking poon you are.

Oh, yeah, drink it away, you fucking queef.

Wow, Alex, two rounds down.

All of our answers are in.

Whose story is number two?

That was uncomfortable.

Story number two belongs to

Ryan Shannon.

Oh.

I guess that was too close to the best for most people.

So, Shannon, what happened here?

Whose friend was this?

This is my friend, my buddy Sean.

Who was it?

My buddy Sean, we were at a party.

We were fucking getting really fucked up drinking.

And Sean took it upon himself to leave the room and order pizza by himself without consulting anyone in the room at all.

Didn't ask if anybody wanted anything to eat, and he comes upstairs with a fucking stromboli and starts eating it in front of all of us.

You disgrace the stromboli?

What's a stromboli?

Oh, you'll find that after the show.

I'll take you to fucking best stromboli in New York City.

There's no such thing.

It's Philadelphia.

I was going to say, he's trying to fuck you.

Stromboli's Philadelphia?

That's not fucking true.

No, it's not a Philadelphia thing, but they're good in Philadelphia.

We're going to have better Stromboli in New York.

The best Italian food in the world.

Stromboli Italy.

You always hear just pepperoni cheese rolls, basically.

Shut up.

They do it differently in Philly.

Philly sucks.

If they bomb Philly tomorrow, everyone will be better for it.

It's a shit city.

You know how your story's not good when everyone just starts talking about how good food is when you fucking try and

talk about it.

Sorry, Shannon.

Anyone else?

You shit on your friend's pizza.

So basically, I pulled, like, he left the room and joking was like, yo, I'm going to spray fart all over this fucking.

And I didn't think it was going to be like a wet fart.

You did

bare ass fart.

Bare ass fart.

So when I did it, I was joking, but my buddy Charlie was like, yo, man, I think shit got all over that stromboli.

And I was like, no way.

And then he's like, no, dude, I think it did.

And I was like, it's fine.

So then I wiped it into the stromboli.

Oh, you embedded it even further.

So then my buddy Sean comes back and he starts eating.

And then then we did that thing where we're like, we're like,

and you judged me for an inhaler?

You judged me.

You shit on a pizza.

Versus.

It was particles of shit.

You got a whole shit.

That was half the inhaler.

You got a ninth grader's pussy, you were.

I was in ninth grade.

We were equal.

Doesn't make it right.

Does it?

But it does make it cool.

Yeah, it was sick.

Does make it copacitic.

But he did end up eating.

So he starts eating.

we're all kind of laughing and then he's like halfway through he's like what and then i was like yo i farted all over that stromboli and he was like yeah you you're gay dude you didn't do that and i was like no i totally did everyone cooperated and he still ate it just like yo

you think i give a about farts on my stromboli

dude that is toxic masculinity i leave you didn't give him the whole thing like i also rubbed in no i just said i farted okay okay so then i leave and then like two days later he's like yo dude i think i'm gonna die i don't know what's going on with me.

He's like, I got to meet up with Kim later.

I don't know what to do.

I'm like, yo, it's like, it could be anything, dude.

Like, don't worry about it.

Everything's cool.

He ate a strombaoli.

It was a great joke.

Do you want some of my steroids?

I do.

Sorry, Shader.

Continue.

Holy shit.

What is he writing?

I'd like to formally apologize for thinking it was you.

Formally.

It's a bit late, Jim.

But I meant him.

That's what I meant.

No.

And everybody got done.

You know what, man?

I really thought we were going to bond this show.

No.

I really thought this was our time.

Either way, so

he ends up going.

I have to finish it.

So he ends up going to see Kim, and they fuck.

And then later, Kim ends up getting the same stomach flu that he gets, who then has to miss work, and she almost gets fired.

Then she's like, Why am I so sick?

What happened?

And then he jokes.

He's like, Well, Shanner farted all over my stromboli,

and I think I got sick from it.

And she's like,

You ate it?

And he's like, Well, I ate it.

Like, yeah, he said he did it, but I didn't believe he did it.

She's like, But you ate it after someone told you that Shannon farted all over it?

And he's like, Yeah, I still ate it.

It was like $17.

I'm going to eat it.

So they break up, and he's like calling me.

He's like, dude, what the fuck?

Kim broke up with me.

And she says, She's so fucking pissed.

I was like, yeah, dude, I'm really sorry.

I didn't think that my fart was gonna fuck up so much of your relationship.

And then two days later, I got a phone call from my girlfriend, Meg, at the time, who was her best friend.

And she was like, you are the grossest piece of shit I've ever met in my entire life.

How could you get Kim sick?

She almost lost the job.

And I was like, bitch, you don't understand.

This guy.

Ordered food without telling anybody.

Punishment did fit the crime.

I honestly think so, and this to this day, like, I keep bringing it up.

He's like, Yeah, dude, I shouldn't have done that, but you should have almost ruined my whole fucking life.

Yeah,

dude, you're like patient, yeah,

patient zero.

I mean, what are we doing?

Two rounds down, Alex.

Give us our points.

All right,

tied for fifth place with two points each.

Louis J.

Gomez, Big Jay Okerson, Ryan Shaner, and Jason Ellis.

Whoa.

That's tied for second place, you asshole.

No.

No, you could do that if there's a couple of people, but when it's like a race or something.

Well, there's first.

If there's one person in first place, then everyone else.

If there's four people in second place,

it's not everyone in second.

Yeah, it is.

Dude, who fucking cares?

I know what trans people should be doing the payment.

She doesn't even know the fucking game, and she knows.

She was saying, all right, there's first place in everybody else.

Yeah.

We're all, it's not first and second place is deceptive.

Sorry, tied for deadlifts.

How do you like those apples?

You're both getting your pay doc this week.

I swear to God, you are.

I'll take it from the tied for last place with two points each.

Louis Jay Gomez, Big Jay Ogerson, Ryan Ryan Shaner, and Jason Ellis.

And in the lead with three points, Greg Stone.

It's heating up, Alex.

Story number three.

Story number three.

I had sex with someone who I thought was Sandra Bullock.

All right, this has to be Ellis.

It has to be.

He just saw speed.

Fuck you, man.

I would never get to a sex part with anybody not knowing it was or was not Sandra Bullock.

That's fair.

Wow, that is a

most.

I've never finished fucking and been like, wow, who was that?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

You haven't lived, dude.

Come on.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah, all questions are answered before I even.

Did you guys see that?

that?

Who the fuck was that?

Yeah.

Was that Sandra Bullock?

Yeah.

I know everything about that lady.

It's been four weeks before I had sex with you.

Tell everybody.

Was that the bitch from Devolution?

Yeah, man.

Fuck.

From meeting the fucking so fast, you're not sure if it was Sandra Bullock.

Jason's been famous for a long time.

He's had tons of celebrities on his show.

He goes to parties.

He bangs fucking hot shit.

Monster cock.

Monster cock.

God, I'm fucking out of here.

Fuck off.

Why would you be mad about that?

Why is everybody I know who's got a monster cock?

When I go, yo, they got a monster cock, they'll go, dude, can I please?

Enough of that.

Yeah.

All right.

Fuck yeah, man.

I just watched Jason's girlfriend walk in here limping.

She was like,

she was shot in her hip.

And she looked like Sandra Bullock.

Yeah, a little bit.

She does.

All right.

Holy shit.

Wait, she's not?

Hey, guys, is this Sandra Bullock over my shoulder?

Jason, at this point, it is your job to prove that this is not you.

Everyone is convinced that it is.

If I fucked Sandra Bullock, it would be Sandra Bullock.

Agreed.

Fuck you guys, man.

She fucked that other racist-looking guy, so I'm right in there.

Jesse James, yeah,

Sandra Bullock.

I totally forgot about that.

I'll say this.

He's a big tattooed guy, right?

Yeah.

Is he?

Yeah, you're saying it's you.

No, he's saying.

No, this person, this person said that it's not Sandra Bullock, right?

He could have

been more confused in my life.

Wait, what does it say?

I had sex with someone who I thought was Sandra Bullock.

I did not have sex with someone who was not Sandra Bullock.

I don't understand.

No one's even semi-guessing it's Greg.

I know.

Why is that?

Well, because if it.

What's that about?

I can tell you why, because if

it was me, it would say, thought I had, it was Sandra Bullock, but it was an Asian, an Asian massage.

Fuck it up.

Wow.

You get it.

You get it.

Something Asian massage, something I paid for it, something.

You get it.

It was a guy.

Yeah.

It's just some dude.

Wait, that would have been a good idea.

Was that Samuel Bullick?

Samuel Bullick.

Samuel Bullock.

He was my substitute teacher in seventh grade.

He was the cop from Batman.

I mean, look, we're just sort of wasting time here.

Everyone is going to vote for Jason Allen.

There's no way.

I mean,

Lewis, you drink a lot.

He sure does.

He sure does.

You got him, dog.

He sure does.

No, Greg, are you an idiot?

Well, I must say this.

No, you forgot the J.

Are you an idiot?

All right.

The J is silent.

I wish he was.

Lewis, yeah.

That was good.

If I was silent, this network crumbles.

This is bullshit.

We got to cover our bases, and because you were so hard on him and you fucked every woman in comedy,

everyone.

None of them!

None of them look like Sandra Bullock.

Not one of them, dude.

Ah, shit.

You're right.

Let me change it.

It's all good.

I'm keeping it, but it was for comedic effect.

A couple of them looked like they ate Sandra Bullock.

Judy Gold?

Ew.

Ew.

Ew.

I mean, I would.

Would did.

All of our answers are in, Alex.

Whose story was story number three?

Story number three belongs to Jason.

What happened here, Jason?

Who was this poor girl that you destroyed?

It was the night that Tony Hawk made the 900.

Oh, it's a big night for all of us.

It was in San Francisco, and the day that he did that was the day that we all became cool.

Like, he did the 900, and everyone was like, You're a pro skateboard.

I was like, Matter of fact, I am.

Do you know Tony Hawk?

Matter of fact, yes, I do.

So, anything's possible, you know.

And I was at an after-party, and Sandra Bullock and this other hot chick were at the bar and I'm like fuck off Sandra Bullock is at the bar.

I'm like fuck it dude.

Tony Hawk made the 900.

I'm friends with Tony Hawk.

I'm going in

And I'm like, hey, how's it going?

She's like, good.

Can I get you a drink?

And I'm like, fuck off.

Yes, you can.

So now I'm doing a lot of, I'm drinking a lot.

And my other pro skateboarder friend comes up and he looks at me and goes

because he thinks it's Sandra Bullock as well.

So this was never Sandra Bullock.

No.

Oh, I thought you were talking to real Sandra Bullock.

We thought we were.

No, no, no.

Let me finish.

Go ahead.

We thought we were.

That's what you said to Sandra Bullock.

You were treating her with the reverence of Sandra Bullock.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I should have known when she was like, do you want to go to our room and do cocaine?

You're like,

Sandra Bullock.

Party.

Party.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I...

Dude, me and my friend went, holy shit, Bullock fucking gets down like that.

Like, dude, it's odd.

You're going to fuck the other one?

I'll fuck the other one.

Dude, I can't believe you're going to fuck Sandra Bullock.

I'm like, I can't believe I'm going to fuck Sandra Bolic.

It's like, I know I'm Sandra Bullock, but can I do Coke off both your dicks?

Everyone does know she's a fiend for speed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn it.

Yes!

That's what I

That's what we thought.

Yeah, also she's got a huge nose.

She would do all of the Coke.

Right.

And this chick did a lot of the Coke.

So it all made sense.

But

I fuck her

and we're doing Coke coke and we're hanging out and then we're out where it's all night in this room and then it's the sun comes up and there's a curtain and somebody moved the curtain and she was on the bed and we were over here doing lines and this and the sun went through the curtain and hit her face and I went oh fuck

it's not Sandra Pollock

it's like someone that is not as hot as her either.

And I look over at my friend and my friend, we don't say one word to each other.

I go, oh my god, it's not her.

He thought it was fucking Kim Basinger.

She's not that hot.

And I look over at him and he's like, it's not her.

And he looks at me and I'm like, I thought Sandra Bullock did all our Coke.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we both, but we both couldn't say words because we didn't want to be disrespectful to not Sandra Bollock.

So he goes, oh my God.

And I'm like, oh my God.

We should go.

I'm like, yeah, we should go.

It's not her.

And then it turned out that she was the daughter of like the guy that like,

oh, fuck

go on you're you're just witnessed somebody starting to say something he regretted saying

regrets oh wait regrets yeah exactly yeah that's why it made sense because i first of all i regret that it wasn't her and then i also regret well i don't regret this bit it turns out that the her dad owned x games

google and he was and

he was a dick yes

And he was a dick to us all.

So

Zing.

Gotcha.

Oh, that is awesome.

Fucking the daughter of your enemy has to feel great.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Great story, Jason.

That also might make the book.

What a great story.

Three stories down.

Where are our points at?

All right, tide for last place with three points each.

Greg Stone and Jason Ellis.

And tide for the lead with four points each, Luis J.

Gomez, Big J.

Okerson, and Ryan Shaner.

Oh, it is tight.

Who's going to take home you're in the wrong bathroom?

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people,

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Alex, story number four.

Story number four.

I was bit by a dog after trying to pet it through a fence where, regrettably, I did not read the beware of dog sign.

Nobody make a joke about how I can't read.

It's nothing.

And by the way, it can be two stories in a row, by the way.

These are all randomly generated, so.

But I'll have you know, I can spell dog.

He was like, what is that?

B1.

Yeah, that one.

No.

Let's see.

Yeah, let's see.

I'm trying to figure out a little speech right there.

Yeah, Puerto Ricans gotta read, right?

Poopadoo.

Well, no.

But Puerto Ricans, dogs hate Puerto Ricans.

But Puerto Ricans, Puerto Ricans know that, though, right?

No, Puerto Ricans and Pitbulls have a very close relationship.

No, they think they have a close relationship because they train them to fight and kill each other.

If they could uprise, they would take out Puerto Rico as a Commonwealth.

So this is looking like Lewis right now.

This feels like Lewis to me.

I will say, Jay always throws it to me, and Jay has not had a story yet.

There's Lewis.

There's Lewis.

Have you ever?

That's a good point.

That's also true.

There's Lewis.

To point that out seems very like

to point out that I pointed that out seems a little bit suspicious to me.

You know I know how to read.

It's one of these skanks for sure.

Jay, have you ever been bit by a dog?

Yes.

Wait, how many times?

Was it after you didn't read a beware of 12?

No, this is not.

No, he just very excellently read all that trans bullshit, so I know he can read just fine.

That's right, I can.

I'll say this.

No, I will say I've been bit by a dog, but it was walking by a dog.

It was a small dog, too, and it just bit my fucking calf.

It was crazy.

It weirdly hurt a lot.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's my only bite by a dog.

Well, just so you guys know, I've never been bitten by a dog.

Liar.

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

You never waited for three hours behind a glory hole at a truck stop either.

I'll just start taking your word for it versus the evidence I see.

Have you ever been bitten by a dog, Shanner?

Yeah, twice.

Twice.

Twice.

Really?

Yeah, and I knew I was going to get bit the whole time.

The one time I ran from the dog like an idiot.

I ran from a Rottweiler like a stupid fuck.

What are you supposed to?

Turn around and like...

Well, no, I thought someone told...

Yeah, you're supposed to just be like, no.

He farted in its face?

Yeah.

You're going to get sick in three days, dog.

He found out I farted on his kibble.

He's like, you fucking piece of shit.

But no, I got bit by a Rottweiler.

I ran from it, jumped up and bit me in the shoulder.

And then another, it was a fucking wiener dog bit me in in the fucking doxened yeah

after I was I was fucking with it though

I was because I did pick it up and pretend like it was my dick

but what else do you do with a dog like that what else do you do with those dogs it is the best thing and it was like

come on

dude you just work in the room who's fucking getting mad at that was also a really skinny wiener dog so it looked like a dick with a fucking face

oh dick with flopping ears dude that's so if i forever put down my pants and have it come out the zipper, I would have done that.

But I was

my regret.

You should have put that story, and your regret should have been you didn't put it in your pants coming out of your zipper.

That is one of the best bits I've ever heard.

I cannot wait.

The next time I see a dachshund, we're going to pretend it's my dick all day.

It's the funniest thing in the world.

I did it with a cat the other day.

Damn.

That is one fucking funny story.

It is funny.

This is Lewis.

Come on.

Greg.

Greg, have you been bitten by a dog?

So I'll say this.

This 100% happened to me.

I just don't know if I told anyone about it.

Like, I don't think I told them, but I 100% got bit by a dog and they was like, oh, the fucking sign.

I was super high.

It was crazy.

But I don't think I told them.

Is Greg playing the game at the same time?

It's the fucking highest level I've ever seen?

This is crazy.

I can't believe now.

I only think it's Greg.

You're an idiot.

Why would you vote for me so quickly?

It's you.

Don't try to fucking make it seem now like I made a bad choice so nobody else.

You know what?

I want everyone to vote for me so you don't get points.

That's

a real.

I've said that before when it was me.

He's a shit liar.

Oh.

Jason, have you met my dog before?

No, I'm from Bingre.

Every time a dog comes at me, I just do the Mick Dundee thing and they fall asleep.

Yes.

Dude.

The beauty.

Jason fucked that dog, but he thought it was Lassie.

Okay.

I saw what you did there.

Lewis is panicking.

It's him.

I'm sorry.

Who wants to see him?

I'm sorry.

I think it's Big Jay now because he's pushing it so hard on me right now.

I told you my one dog bite story.

You're pushing it.

I don't push it at five.

J-O.

Oh, shit.

J-O.

Oh, fuck.

J-O got bit.

Little fucking dog.

J-O-D-G-G-G-G-G get bit by a little fucking dog, but not, it's too late.

Everyone took their hands off.

Doesn't matter.

I'm going Big Jay Oakerson because, honestly, he's playing the game at a high level right now.

Yes.

And I'm watching it fucking happen.

I'm going to mark these words when it's fucking Lewis and he's getting you.

I know it.

I know it 100%.

I can tell when you're lying.

Jason.

I can tell when you're lying.

You want to win this game, Jason.

You're scared of me.

I know that.

Dude, you duck him three times a year.

This guy tries to square up with you.

And you're constantly on the run.

You're fucking the bottom of your shoes must be fucking scuffed up.

He just tried to.

Jason, you're falling for Big Jay's horseshit right now.

Because it's

obviously one of you two, and you keep throwing it at him.

It's definitely one of those two.

I think it's Jason.

I don't know.

You're so good.

Never mind.

Never mind.

It's not Jason at all.

It's definitely not Jason.

Jason, Jason, you son of a bitch.

It's you, dude.

I won points.

I want points.

You're off points.

He's still doing the acting, and it's over.

I know.

It's so obvious.

I don't know.

I have no idea.

I'm too gullible for this game.

Four stories down, Alex.

Whose story was that?

Story number four belongs to

Lewis

Bomas.

You know what I apologize?

It's the beauty of the game that it's Story Wars, everybody.

Man, I feel like

there's not that much more to the story.

I was walking on Route 9W, and

there was in Rockland County where I grew up.

Oh, I was going to say that.

And there was a west side highway.

There was just like a, you know, like just a house with a fence in front of it.

And the cutest fucking dog.

Not like a mean-looking pit bull, just an adorable.

This dog was wagging its tail.

I was like, what a cute fucking dog.

And it was like a Puerto Rican guy.

And he was like, oh, a monster.

There was a Puerto Rican guy sitting on his porch, just kind of sitting there smiling.

It was like out of a fucking, like, it was like out of a sunkissad.

It was adorable, right?

And I put my hand through the gate, and the dog just came up to it, and it wasn't even aggressive.

He didn't like growl or bark.

He literally just went

like a like a vampire.

Like he was just.

And I I was like, ah, and I pulled my hand away and he bit my fingers and then I was like, what the fuck, man?

I was like, your dog just bit me.

And the old Puerto Rican guy just pointed at a sign that said, beware of dogs.

Yeah.

And ever since then, one week a month at night, Lewis walks the streets as a dog.

The dog was right.

I'll tell you that.

He knew.

The dog nailed it.

God,

four stories down.

We're at halftime.

Alex, where are our points at?

All right.

In last place with three points.

Greg Stone.

I'm not going to be good at this.

Damn it, dude.

In fourth place with four points, Ryan Shaner.

Damn it, dude.

Nah.

Bullshit.

In third place with five points, Jason Ellis.

Fuck it.

Nice.

Steroids.

Here I come, motherfuckers.

You two are going down.

I always go down.

I used to.

And tied for the lead with six points each.

Louis J.

Gomez and Big Jay Ogerson.

Sam, bullshit.

I was winning at one point.

We just did it, and I was watching it.

That's crazy.

70 people in the crowd go, Hen turkey.

Hand turkey.

Hand turkey.

Hand turkey.

All right, we are at halftime, everybody.

So why don't we go around now and do some plugs?

Mr.

Ellis, what do you want to plug, my man?

I'm a comedian.

Some people may argue that that's not true, but I'm on the road.

ThejasonEllis.com for tour dates.

I'm doing stand-up

tomorrow.

Jason, this won't be out for like three weeks.

26th and 27th and 28th.

New York 26th, 27th.

This was weeks ago when people are hearing this.

I'll be in Canada.

JasonEllis.com.

Thejasonellis.com.

The Jason Ellis.

I got new merch, too.

Same website.

I got skateboards because I'm still...

I'm a professional skateboarder again.

They are.

Fuck yeah.

Craigstone.

Well, first off, check out my aggressive rollerblading videos on YouTube.

They're pretty good.

Oh, I'm definitely going to beat him up for this show.

i was gonna say you look good you could catch me jason i didn't want to say it before but greg also hit a 900 yeah yeah definitely did

uh check out my podcast welcome to talk town and uh just call me dog just call i love that i'd like to get some phone calls let's get some phone calls

we'll put greg's phone number in the in the description i need it i need this put in the notes shanner You can check me out on the end podcast with Ryan Shannon or wherever you get your fucking podcast.

Make sure you call the hotline.

You got a hotline?

Yeah.

You got to tell me about a hotline.

I got a hotline.

Hold on.

I also have a number, Greg.

So 833-443-5300, you can call anytime.

We'll address any comment, question, or concern.

It's the craziest thing.

I said that and you have one.

Yeah, I know.

I do too, but I forget.

You all have hotlines?

I do.

I have one.

I have a podcast, too.

I forgot.

I'm too busy trying to be a comedian.

I mentioned it for sure.

You can also find me on World War Fun with Sydney Gantt, a new podcast.

Check that out, please, wherever you get your.

Very funny, Sidney.

Last year's Jiu-Jitsu

Skank Fest Jiu-Jitsu World Champion, Sydney Gant, gonna be defending his title this year at Skank Fest.

It's gonna be amazing.

Hell yeah.

Big J.

Boy, Jason, you had

the Jason Alice Show.

It's a podcast.

Fuck yeah, it is.

Hell yeah.

A Patreon as well.

Patreon.com slash Alice Mate.

I like pretend I'm still on SiriusXM.

Nice.

For way less money.

And yes, I will put MMs in my foreskin again.

If you all subscribe today.

You have to subscribe today.

The more plugs Jason gives, the sadder it is.

He's like, and me mom is dead.

It's the only one that's still alive.

Fuck you.

Bigjcomedy.com for all my dates.

Coming to a City Near You on Big J Okerson's Peter North American Tour.

Coming on a City Near You.

Womp, womp.

Listen to the Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series X7103 with me and the great Robert Kelly.

And of course, the Legion of Skanks, the flagship show right over here at the the Gast Digital Network.

16 years running.

16 years running?

14.

14.

14.

It's a lot of years running for sure.

Double vinyl for them day coming out very, very soon.

Look for that.

And go to my YouTube page, Big J Comedy, where you can,

Big J Okerson, where you can watch.

I'm doing some live streams now.

So enjoy those.

Very cool.

Louis?

Come see me on the road.

I got Springfield, Missouri coming up in October, Chandler, Arizona as well.

Nashville, Tennessee coming up in December.

We have a bunch of live Story War shows on the road.

I mean, I'll say it's already sold out.

The main room at the mothership they give us.

We've done it twice now in the small room.

They give us the main room, sold out those shows in just a couple hours.

Gonna be great in Austin

if you guys...

If you leave a comment right now on this show that says Austin, just the word Austin, we're going to pick one random person that will win two free tickets to one of the shows in Austin.

So make sure you leave that comment in the comments.

One random hot young chick.

We're also doing a few others.

We're doing November 11th, the New York Comedy Club right here in New York City.

I'm sorry, the New York Comedy Festival right here in New York City.

We're going to be at the Grammar City Theater, the biggest show we've ever done.

Huge lineup planned for it.

Get those tickets.

That will sell out.

And then

we're doing Philadelphia.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving in Philadelphia, where Ryan Shannon is going to be be farting on your fucking cheese steak, dude.

Fuck yeah, you will.

Get ready for dissenting.

Two shows in Philly, which we love.

That was our first ever road show as Philly.

Make sure you guys subscribe to Gast Digital if you love this show.

There's like 40 episodes that are not available anywhere else, only for Gast Digital subscribers.

Go to GastDigital.com.

Subscribe there using the promo code WAR.

You get a discount, then you can download the apps and use the apps.

And make sure you guys, you know, come check out all my other podcasts, The Rags, Legion of Skanks, my bonus podcast I do for subscribers to my email list, which is free.

So go to Lewisofskanks.com and pre-order my book.

We're doing a storytelling show.

I have a book called Knives and Spoons coming out December 16th.

You can pre-order it right now on Amazon.

Go do that.

We really appreciate you guys.

And

if you don't want to stick a needle in your ass like Jason Ellis to boost your testosterone and me and Jay, you can buy Body Brain Coffee, which naturally supports your testosterone and brain function.

Bodybraincoffee.com.

I love needles, though.

Yep.

Makes me feel like I'm doing junk.

We have reached the half point of the show here, and we like to keep things exciting.

This is a tight game.

Very close.

It's one of the closest games this early.

Easily one of the closest games this early.

But the way we shake things up for the final four stories of Story Awards every week, if you've been paying attention, we go double points.

Excited.

Excited.

Excited.

It's a very simple concept.

It's the same, but twice as good.

What are you fucking retarded?

Yeah, yeah.

It's easy.

Before, if you fooled somebody, you got a point.

If you guessed the right story, you got two points.

And now that jumps up to double points.

So what's that, like, four points?

Do you see, I'm having fun with it.

This time I did a fingering until it squirted on my face and then I did that.

I got it.

They're all little like whammies.

No, I know.

Ah, Alex.

Story number five.

Story number five.

I walked by a black, morbidly obese, homeless woman bent over, spreading her ass while taking a huge piss right on the street.

I had ample time to pull out my phone and record,

but I choked.

I mean, this should be me.

There's no way that was me.

I would have got that on video for sure.

This should be me.

I'm bad at this.

I'm bad at pulling out my phone.

I'm recording.

I fuck up a lot with this.

Big J.

This story is 150%, Big Jay.

No, you didn't hear what I said.

This sounds like me.

I know it sounds like you.

I mean, I'm reading all the way it's worded.

Black, morbidly obese, homeless woman.

That is just fucking so big.

Ample time is a great choice of words.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all you type in on porn.

Me personally, I don't see color, so I wouldn't have even seen it.

I wouldn't have even seen it.

Oh, shit, it's you.

That's the biggest crock of shit ever.

No.

You see so much color, it's insane.

You see exclusively color.

So, like, anybody with anybody with a humanity would see that and go, oh shit, and just walk away.

So the person who goes, fucking should have recorded it is going to be a scumbag.

So who's the biggest scumbags on the table?

I don't think I'm the biggest scumbag, but I would absolutely fuck up the same way without a doubt.

Big Jay is doing the same thing he accused you of, which is admitting that the story is his by trying to reverse it.

I don't have asthma.

So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I'm just basing this on the way that it's worded and how well you read that trans stuff.

It seems like you would.

I'm just saying, read that out loud.

It's beautifully written.

Read, read.

It's like a novella.

Read that.

I walked by a black, morbidly obese homeless.

It's Jake.

Bent over, spreading her ass, looking huge piss right on the street.

I had ample time to pull out my phone and record, but I choked.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, Lewis would not say morbidly.

He'd say fat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's too big of a word.

Anything more than two words.

You wouldn't say black.

You'd say something else.

Come on.

Right.

I was going to leave that out.

I would not, sir.

That's a lie.

Yes, you would.

Not only would he, he did, and Alex edited it out.

But Alex didn't edit it out until she saw you.

So I don't know if that's really a good thing or not.

Quite honestly.

Wow.

I mean,

I want to waste more time.

I just, Jay, this, this, this story screams you.

This would be something you would regret.

Now it's definitely making me think it's you.

I don't even buy you saying those words right now.

I had one on video.

What did you have?

A black?

I don't see color, Lewis.

Oh, now it's either you or Jason.

She was fat, though.

She was fat.

He sees shapes.

Definitely.

He sees shape.

I don't see color.

I see big, fat, ugly shapes.

She stood up and did it onto the concrete at me.

Lewis just winked at me.

He always winks at me, and it ends up being him.

Man, now.

Listen to me.

Now I taught that too.

Are you saying you didn't just wink at me?

I did just wink at you.

I saw it.

Why would you do that?

I was flirting.

Yeah.

He loves it.

He loves to let me know he's a big one.

Guys, this is.

Just remember.

Guys, just remember, this round is double points.

So we have to.

Don't let Big J pull ahead right now.

He is currently in the lead.

I'm letting you know right now.

This is definitely a Big Jay Ogerson story.

I know Big J more than anything.

Why do you say my last name?

What are you, my mom?

I know.

Does your mom say your last name?

Yeah.

Jason Michael Ogerson.

Jeez.

I mean, I know Big J probably better than anybody knows Big J.

I'm telling you, Ryan, who do you think I share everything with you?

Who do you think knows you better than me?

Jelly Roll.

Country Western.

No, he's naming things you like to eat.

Oh, I do.

I tell everything that my jelly rolls.

Yeah.

Jelly roll.

One time I walked by a big fat black woman.

She was morbidly obese.

She was pissing right on the street.

This is my biggest regret, Jelly Roll.

I mean, this also could be a.

Darre, I hate to pull away from Lewis.

I like when everybody votes for Lewis, but this is...

Jay's freaking out right now.

No, he is.

It's 100% him.

Got him.

Can I tell you why?

Yeah.

And it's actually a compliment.

Thank you.

The way this is written as a joke, right?

First of all, sorry, Lewis, but you're not saying black, morbidly obese.

Fat bitch.

You're saying something.

You're not saying black.

Morbidly obese is

a written word.

And, but I choked.

Keeping the funny for the end is, is, that's, it's either, I thought it was Shanner at first, but that's the way you talk.

That's fucking you.

As you said that, it could easily be Shannon.

It could be Shanner.

Because there's a lot of fat, black, morbidly obese women in Philadelphia.

That's what my thought on Shanner was exclusively.

There's a very, like,

a story.

This is a very Philadelphia story.

There's no lie in that.

Have you ever watched Abbott Elementary?

It's the whole premise of the show.

Have you ever watched Kensington?

Yeah, I was just going to say, if you watch the live stream stream of Kensington, guys, catch the fever.

It's fucking wild.

In New York, too, man.

Such a fun watch.

Do Australians say piss, or is it like Wizzle Woo?

I'm serious.

I don't know.

She was taking a Wizzle Woo.

I don't fucking know, brother.

I'm from here.

She was taking a Wizzle Woo, right?

I don't know.

Alex can take some liberties with the wording, so you don't know who it is.

I mean, yeah, I'm still leading Jay, but it could be Shanner.

Either way, it's somebody from Philly, and pieces of shit.

Oh, shit.

I didn't even overthink that I'm from Philly also.

This could be a story of me in Philly.

Yes.

Hmm.

That's making me think it's Shanner more than Lewis, but I do think this is Lewis.

Jay has gotten

way better at this game.

He's gotten a bunch of wins recently.

He's playing the game right now.

He had one win.

And he's hiding behind the glasses, too.

He is.

These aren't.

Even though they're completely see-through.

But there's something that he's hiding from there.

I think he was on the way to defend his slap fighting championship and he saw that.

No.

Morbidly.

There's only two people on the panel that would use that word and it's this rollerblade and pussy over here and

the only person who's been morbidly obese.

I'm not saying that.

You guys look great.

But you should use steroids.

I would have wrote soul grind in there or something.

Gentlemen, you don't have to wait for us to vote.

You guys can get your votes going.

I don't know.

A lot of hands.

I really don't know.

By the way, if it's not Big J, because I'm also voting Big Jay, if it's not Big J,

whoever just got this cleaned the fuck up.

Wow.

Big Jay Oakerson.

Get Jay.

Good.

Get it, get act.

Big Jay's acting right now.

It might be Shannon, but I don't know.

I'm going Shaner.

Wow.

Jay's so bummed.

Look at his face.

Fuck.

You're going to feel like idiots in a second.

I think we're going to.

I do think it was Shannon.

It was my first instant.

I don't know.

No points.

You're gonna feel so

good, Alex.

Whose story was this?

It's too hard.

Story number five belongs to

Big J.

Yes!

Yes!

Fuck it!

You looked right at me, dude.

You looked right at me and you said, you piece of shit.

You looked right at me.

And I was like, it wasn't me, man.

You're like, no, I know.

It was you.

Dude, that fart story really did a number on you, didn't it, dude?

It did.

That's a guy who's gotten dysentery from a pizza definitely.

It didn't just do a number on him, and it did a number two on him.

Dude, it's the amount of laugh.

I saw all you did.

Dude, the way that's written as a comedian, I knew it was like the laugh lines, the way it's joke, it's short, it's tight, it's too late.

Once again, my brilliance comes to bite me in the ass.

Yeah.

Yeah, Jay, give us some more detail.

This was New York City, probably, right?

This was New York City Tuesday, yesterday.

This was yesterday.

I was on the phone with our friend Mike Finoya on my headphones, walking to work.

I had my phone out.

At one point, I was walking, and I think this might be Phantom.

I don't know for sure.

But I heard the sound of what I can only say would be like a horse cockpissing, like a real,

a lot of shooting up sounding.

And then I felt, I tend to wear my sweatpants sweatpants with one leg up LO Cool J style

and I think I felt a lot of

people wear that like that a lot of morbidly obese people do that it's when they have thin ankles so then I feel like I felt

splash back a piss hit my I don't know if that happened

it may have been phantom because I I just looked over and I looked and There was a lot of people around watching, almost like it was a show.

A morbidly obese black homeless woman, I mean a grip of ass cheek in each hand spreading it open her asshole had that

what is it about homeless shit Jauna C'est croix

what is it about homeless shit it's a color of

tan no it's like it's peanut butter it's peanut buttery it's peanut butter it's peanut buttery it's like a yellow is it it's a yellow brown yes oh come on i painted my living room that it fucking just that's really homeless you can only get it at Bear at Home Depot.

It's one coat.

It's a one coater.

It's a one coater.

It's an indoor outdoor paint, too.

But she had that around her asshole.

But that was something that was from a while ago.

Right now she was just taking a piss out of her

huge gross pussy.

And all I could think was I was like, and I'm on the phone with somebody.

I go, oh, dude, there's a crazy, I'm saying it loud enough she could definitely hear, there's a disgusting piece of shit homeless person taking a fat piss on the ground.

I should film it.

He goes, you gotta film it.

And

I just went,

there's a lot of people around.

And I just kept it.

It's a sex crime.

Kind of.

Wow.

What a story.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I feel that regret.

Alex, five stories down.

Give us our points.

All right, in dead last with six points.

Big J O.

Ogles.

I was in first last round.

In fourth place with seven points, Greg Stone.

Don't clap.

Don't clap.

I'm not proud of it.

In third place with eight points, Ryan Shanor.

In second place with nine points, Jason Ellis.

Here I fucking go.

Here I fucking go.

Shout out to Sarah and to Jesus Christ.

It's so funny how in the beginning, nobody cares about winning, but your five-story is in, you're like, I need to fucking win this game.

When I was in the Uber on the way here, I was like, look, man, you know, don't be competitive.

You're not going to really win anything.

Like, you're always competitive of shit.

Just relax and have fun.

Fuck that.

If I don't win, I'm going to be fucking pissed.

Everybody wants to take take home you're in the wrong bathroom finish the points let her finish the points

and in the lead with 10 points wow Lewis Jay Gomez

Jay carry on ultimately serves as a powerful call to action by reframing trans issues.

It highlights issues facing trans people that stem from stigma, discrimination, and a flawed healthcare system.

This book provides the essential fact-face vocabulary and context needed to move beyond sensational headlines and advocate for real world change and understanding you're in the wrong bathroom.

It's going to somebody.

What a game so far.

Truly anybody's game.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number six.

Story number six.

At a ninth grade sleepover, my friend's mom caught me making up a rap song about fucking her.

And she refused to leave the room until I finished the song.

Now,

I think Greg had a fucking real busy ninth grade year.

You ever see a story and you go, man, I wish that was me?

This one.

I mean, Shannon, I can see this being Shayner.

This is just pure hijinks.

This is a verbal version of shitting on somebody's shrimboli.

You're saying this is Shayner wrote a rap song about fucking his friend's mom?

Maybe.

That's a fun topic.

That seems like a fucking jolly Greg move.

That seems like Greg throwing down some fucking freestyle.

He's writing an answer very quickly.

Very quickly, right now.

Fuck.

Yeah, I mean, mean, Jason, there's no rap in Australia, so.

Mate, you'd be fucking surprised.

I am surprised.

I fucking love Tupac, mate.

He's sick.

Hell yeah, dude.

Hip, hop, the hibbit to the hibbit, and the hip, hip, hop.

Well, you don't stop.

Biggity bee.

Boogity bait.

Boogity bay.

Take it down to the loot.

Take a whizzy whizzy loot.

I love it, yeah.

It's great.

It's great.

Now, I know that was a great rap, but I swear that wasn't pretty fucking good.

I met a guy on a train in Australia, and he had thug life tattooed his stomach like Tupac, and I was like, that is fucking sick, dude.

He's like, fug life, cunt.

Because in Australia, if you're a real bogan, you don't, you can't.

A real what?

Bogan.

It's white trash.

My bad, my bad.

A bogan.

You can't say, you don't do th.

It's an F.

Fug life.

Fug life cunt.

Fug life cunt.

Cunt is a good word in Australia.

Sorry, ladies.

It's a great word here.

It's pretty cool here.

I should explain that.

Yeah, I wasn't trying to be offensive.

It's a common word here.

There.

It's a great word here.

All my best friends.

Really straightens a bitch out.

Shuts them off.

Here, you mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I caught that a couple times, actually.

Better than a boogie debate.

Real quick, I haven't drank in like six months.

It's the best.

Hold on, six months.

Yeah.

I'm sick and drunk.

I haven't drank in six months.

Remember?

Six months drunk.

No shit, dude.

Make up a rap song about it.

I'm drunk as fuck.

I'm a fucking mom in a sleepover, dog.

I'm too drunk.

It definitely wasn't me, dog.

No, that was.

I like your bars.

Do you like your brain?

I'm more emo.

I mean, it could be Jason because I could see his friend's mom wanting to fuck him.

She's like, finish it, mate.

She wouldn't have been the first.

She goes, go on, finish the song about Todging Me Flodger.

There was a different word for it.

Todd Flogg.

About flogging me noom noom.

You're going to barge into me Argies?

You're going to flip my tissels?

Wait, we don't say it like that.

I don't know why that pisses me off.

Fucking stop.

Stop saying it.

We don't say it like that.

You want to finish your song?

Are you going to flip me gumdrops?

I mean, that was close to you, fucking idiot.

Holy shit.

You're going to scribble me scrim scrams.

I don't know.

Stop, man.

I don't like that.

And I don't know why.

I'm not even knowing if you're a vote, Craig.

I want to say this.

This is the third time I think I've seen you write Shanna.

I don't know that you know his name is Shanner.

He does.

No, that's how you spell it.

Where I come from, Cunt.

My bad cup.

No, it's okay.

Con was good there.

You gotta go.

And I do like it.

And I didn't go to school.

Let him go.

Hit him up and cook.

Let him cook.

Let him cook.

I have a question.

Too busy fucking his friends.

Jason.

What do you call?

Hell yeah, Jay.

Thank you.

Jason, what do you call your first year of high school in Australia?

What is it called?

You never went.

I didn't go.

I didn't go to school, dude.

I learned how to read.

You know why I was doing this?

This is the main American thing.

Sirius XM made me do reads on the radio.

I think it's true.

And everybody thought for at least five years that

I was being funny.

They were like, man, I love it when you do the read where you act like you can't read.

And I'm like, I can't.

Tally would be next to me, and I'd be like,

listen, man.

I'm like, Zip Recruiter.

Get a ding, ding, discount.

Discount.

I couldn't fucking read at all.

And then they just made me do it for so long that I could slight, you know what I mean?

You get the ad reads at least.

I guesstimate.

I think, Greg.

I want to say this.

You just whispered to me, it's definitely Lewis or Jay.

If it's you, no, I said so first.

I said, I definitely think you're gay.

Oh.

First of all, do you really hear what you want to hear, Greg?

That's obviously.

Everyone knows.

I'm not gay or straight.

I just haven't yet met a man I want to fuck.

That book is for you, then, man.

I wrote that book.

I am that book.

Greg Stone has me trying to figure out what fucking bathroom does he go in.

I thought it was gay or fucking gay.

That's what it has on the name.

Super gay.

I think Shaner, it's a crazy...

You're such a truck stop, fucking punk rock looking dude.

But I think every guy from Philly.

Hey, truck stop.

Every white guy from Philly had a wigger phase.

And I'm thinking...

I never had a wiggle.

It was Ryan Shaner.

Not had a Wigger phase.

Big Jay's currently living it.

And

here it is, Ryan Shanner.

Maybe it's because I can't stop picturing you in PJs.

It's definitely you.

First off, never say that out loud ever again.

Well, we could be picturing you in PJs.

I'm going to whisper it in your ear tonight, brother.

Whoa, make sure you bring the inhaler, you be clear.

Yeah,

Alex, all of our answers are answered.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to say that to you.

Story number six belongs to

Ryan Shanner.

You told me to my face.

You're a dirty dog.

I didn't tell you.

Again, I said you were gay.

Oh, man.

When he told you in your ear, it's me or Lewis and then voted for you.

I wish I wouldn't have voted that fast.

No.

Shannon, did you have a wigger face?

No, I never had a way.

This resulted, so I'll take you guys back to 1999.

All right.

Grab a girl.

Let's get into the fucking spaceship and go back.

1999.

Cash money millionaires were taking over the world.

Sea murder, surprisingly, just picked up for murder.

It was wild.

Aaliyah was still alive and looking hot as shit.

So I was over at my buddy Travis's house.

We were having a sleepover, and he puts on juveniles back that he just like loves rap.

And I'm like, yo, rap is the gayest shit in the world, dude.

Did you whisper it then, too?

I did.

I was like, yo,

you're gay.

and your father hates you.

Rap is stupid and for pussies.

So I was like, Yo, rap is gay, dude.

And he's like, Yo, you couldn't fucking do it.

I'm like, any idiot

rap, dude.

I am so sorry for this actual racism that we're feeling right now.

This is crazy.

This is not racism.

This is actual, crazy racism.

Do you feel like I'm being racist right now?

Not yet.

Yeah, not yet.

TBD.

TBD.

Huh?

I can accept that.

But he's walking a tightrope for sure.

I'm trying really hard to pick my words.

Because

there was a lot of hard R's in a lot of these words.

It's juvenile.

Hey, and now

I sing those mistakes, sir.

You guys made the mistakes.

I'm singing these mistakes.

So he starts going off and I'm like yo rap is super fucking lame He's like you couldn't rap and I was like oh you want to see me fucking drop some shit

I was like hold my fucking fruitopia dude.

I'm gonna fucking

Crush it right now.

It was 1999

Snow's informer was top of the charts.

His mom

His mom was like one of the cool moms that like, she didn't buy his beer or anything, but she like didn't care if she was.

She was what the fuck.

Yeah, she was just fine.

So I started going on, and I don't remember all of what I said, but I do remember the last thing I said, and I ate her pussy clean off her body.

Was like one of the things I said at the end, because I remember me going like, oh, no, dude.

And then the door opens and she was in the hallway.

She's like, what are you guys doing in here?

And I was like, oh, nothing.

She's like, what are you guys doing?

Like, really?

Like, are you guys singing?

Are you guys rapping about me?

She's like, what was that?

What was that about me?

And I was like, oh, nothing, nothing, Regina.

I was like, nothing.

And she's like, no, no, no, no.

What were you, were you, were you rapping about me?

I was like, oh, yeah, we were just messing.

And I kept trying to be like, we're just messing around.

She's like, no, I really want to hear.

This is the beginning of every porno you've ever seen.

And the crazy thing is.

If you're going to be hard for them, then you've got to be hard for me.

You might have to start a beatboxing for you.

She's like, come on, spit it.

The crazy thing is, when I heard that, my dick was like,

like the whole time.

So then I started kind of rap, but I did like mumble like, yeah, I don't know where my nuts are.

They're in your throat, and then I'm gonna just bust a big fat look.

I just started making shit up, and she's like, you need to work on it, and then left the room.

Damn, she consulted your rapping.

Funny, you could have written a better rap and fucked her.

Dude, and that's why I regret it.

I'm

That's why I regret

why I regret it.

If I had the lyrics.

Yeah.

Six stories down, Alex.

Where are our points?

All right, still in last place with six points.

Big Jay Ogerson.

I thought it was Greg.

In fourth place with 10 points, Ryan Shanor.

In third place with 11 points, Greg Stone.

I'm back, baby.

I'm back.

You're cooked.

In second place with 13 points, Jason Ellis.

You didn't come to play.

And in the lead with 14 points, Louis J.

Fuck Lewis.

Very close game, so truly anybody's game.

We have two more stories.

Are you guys having a good time?

What a show.

Whip it up, whip it up.

One of the best shows I think we've done just yet, guys.

It's a fun show tonight.

Really great.

I have six points.

It's like any other game for me.

All right, story warriors.

Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for being a supporter of the show.

This is the coffee brand that I launched not that long ago.

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You're going to get this from coffee.

Damn, talking.

Yeah, but Jay, what is that testosterone doing for your brain function?

Oh, I don't know.

I think it's also putting my hormones out of whack and making me night sweat through my sheets.

But I can only come if i'm wearing my mother's skin on my

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So it's not going to put hair in your chest or give you balls.

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So just go to bodybraincoffee.com and use the promo code WARS25 W-A-R-Z25 for 25% off.

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We love the old ones, so we're going back to them.

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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number seven.

I'm drunk.

Story number seven.

I called Michael Bolton Rod Stewart to his face by accident.

No, that wasn't me.

Another story about a mistaken celebrity identity?

This is crazy.

Wow.

You fucked Michael Bolton and called him Rod Stewart?

Ha ha ha.

It was the only way I could make it up to it.

No, I would never do that.

You met Michael Bolton?

Fuck no, I would walk away straight away.

Come on, you know Michael Bolton's good.

I don't know Michael Bolton.

I would say Rod Stewart.

Jason Alice has no interest in meeting Michael Bolton.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

You do like Rod Stewart, though.

He's pretty sweet.

Yeah.

He is pretty sweet.

That's a good point.

No, it's Rod Stewart.

There's no way I would mistake those two.

That's ridiculous.

That is a crazy mistake.

That is wild.

I did a lot of drugs when I was younger, but.

This is also proving the point.

Yes, exactly.

Not that many.

Look at my eyes.

Look at my eyes and tell me you didn't do it.

He's guilty, boys.

Oh, shit.

Greg, the human line.

Take his phone.

At it again.

You just mind-hunted him, dude.

I mean, Jay knows famous people.

Jay knows famous people, but I will say that.

Jay was also impeccable with references.

There's no way.

I wouldn't make this win.

He would not make this mistake.

I know Jay very, very well.

Jay's not making that mistake.

Jason, you had a long-storied career.

Keep trying, motherfucker.

I don't know these guys.

Doing drugs, being punched in the head, getting fucking concussions from falling down fucking half pipes.

If that was my story, I would have come on one of them.

That's true.

Rod Stewart famously had his stomach pumped for cum.

That's right.

Famously.

Famously.

Was it Australian months so fucked up?

Somebody else put a gerbil up their butt.

Is that Richard Gere?

Yeah, Richard Gere.

Richard Gere, but he had really none of them.

It's just that every, there's always, well, the gerbil story always made its way locally, too.

In my town, it was local newsman Jerry Pennicoli put a gerbil in his phone.

Whoa.

But you guys never heard of Jerry Penicoli.

That happened.

That did happen.

That one's real.

Classic Pennicoli.

Yeah, I don't see.

I don't see...

Do you...

Lewis, do you know what those two guys look like?

Yeah.

No, he doesn't?

Yes, I do.

Dude, give me one of those.

Long fucking crinkled hair, like you know, girls in the 80s used to crinkle their hair.

And Rod Sewart, short, spiky on top, a little bit long on the back, gray.

Oh, I know.

I'll say this.

I thought it wasn't Lewis.

I was like, no way.

But if anyone is going to mix up white people,

it's Lewis.

Let's always...

So if anyone's going to mix up white people, it's this guy.

Let's all keep in mind that Lewis used to sell comedy club tickets on the streets in Times.

Yes!

Yes.

Oh, fuck.

I'd say, hey, Michael Bolton, did you?

Do you want to go see a comedy show tonight?

He goes,

first of all, you called Michael Bolton Rod Stewart, and you remember because it was you, you fuck.

I know.

But you know what?

Honestly, I'm

trying to blame it on you.

Now when Sorry says Johnny, I swear to God, I'm sorry to think it's Jay just because he's throwing it on me.

And it makes no sense that he's not.

I would call Michael Bolton Kenny G before I called him Rod Stewart.

That makes sense.

I swear to God, I was picturing Kenny G.

Good point.

They fucking look identical.

They both suck just as hard as each other, too.

Lewis would have been like, actually, Michael Bolton's performing at this comedy club tonight.

Just buy five tickets.

That's a little

me and Jason are one point apart each.

If you guys start voting for me, you're going to put Jason in the lead, and that's fine if you guys want Jason to win.

But I'm telling you right now, this is another story that's screaming Jason Ellis.

I really have no idea.

Jay, stop writing it.

I want Jason to win.

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

I can honestly tell you, there's no way that that would have ever happened to me.

No way.

Look at Maz.

Shanner?

You think it's another Shannon story?

No, it's a numbers game.

If y'all aren't playing him, I think it's Lewis.

I think it's going to put Shane

because

all that makes sense is numbers.

Because if everyone gets on the right person, I don't make more people.

You just want me to lose?

Wait, is that how that works?

You're a piece of shit.

I don't understand the numbers.

Work hard to make a numbers.

Because if everyone picks the same one.

Wait a minute.

No, all right.

You're right.

I thought I had a genius.

You think it's me?

I will say just play the game how you want to play it.

I think it's Greg, and he's playing a great long game right now.

Hey, he's playing a great long game right now.

It's not you.

Where the fuck did Jason Ellis bump in the fucking Rod Stewart or Michael Bolton at the X games?

At Sirius XM.

The ERX, right?

He ran a show on Sirius XM for years.

You're right in LA where there's much more famous people.

Guys, listen to me.

It's so obviously Jason, you idiot.

He had a show on Series 6F for a decade at least.

It was two decades.

Idiots.

Two full decades.

Idiots.

Ah.

I mean, look, it's Ellis.

Nobody else went for Ellis Salva.

Just let this dirty fucking Australian take the lead in this fucking game.

You fucking fools.

Alex, whose story was this?

Story number seven belongs to

Greg Stone.

I told you!

I said!

What a fucking dick!

I said!

No

Lee shit!

Wow.

Nobody was right.

I said it's Greg.

I picked you to.

Let me know when you guys are ready for the greatest story you're ever going to hear.

Woo!

Please,

I apologize if it's a little bit, I'm just gonna tell the whole thing.

I didn't drink till I was like 30 years old.

I was dating.

Yeah, I was.

I was straight edge.

I was straight as the line that you stiff up your nose.

I had problems.

But I grew up with a bunch of bad shit.

Anyway, so I was dating this girl and she was a buyer for Toys R Us.

She picked the toys that Toys R Us would sell.

And so we had to go to a Toys R Us event.

It was in New York City.

It was hosted by Rosie O'Donnell.

The New York Giants were there.

It was this huge.

Jeffrey the giraffe was there.

Jeffrey was there.

Jeffrey, Jeffrey?

We had to wear tuxedos, whole fucking thing, right?

We get there, and we get there, and she looked at me, and she goes, look, we got a car home.

Have a drink.

Have a drink.

I won't tell anyone if you did.

And if you like it.

Greg, play chopsticks on this giant piano with your feet.

She goes, if you like it, you can keep doing it.

If you don't, at least you like, you know, at least you know what you're fighting against, right?

So I was like, all right, I'll have, I'll have a drink.

I'll have a drink.

I'll have a, you're like, I'll have a book and I'll go get it in there.

I had like

a hundred Malibu Bay breezes, like

shutting them down, right?

She's like, are you okay?

Like, want me to put my inhale in your pussy?

She said,

so I had, I drinking this melody.

I wake up the next morning and I wake up the next morning and the girl I was dating was in front of me.

She had CVS pictures that she just had developed.

This is back when it was developing.

That means she left, went to CVS, one hour photo, came back, she looks at me, she goes, what do you remember about last night?

Always good.

And I was like,

the New York Cabbage Patch Kids?

She goes, every table got one limited edition Cabbage Patch Kid.

You have six.

And I was like, oh my God.

She goes, what do you remember about the New York Giants?

I was like, they were there, right?

And she was like, you were running up to them saying, she said, this is what I was saying.

I was looking at them going,

you got great arms.

Can I take one for a ride?

And they were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

And then I would touch their arms and they would flex.

She was like, you were fucking hammered.

Then you pass out.

You pass out at the table.

You were like asleep.

She goes, that's fine.

I'll carry them home.

No big deal.

Rosie O'Donnell gets the microphone.

She goes, ladies and gentlemen, your musical guest, Michael Bolton, to which case you sprang to your feet.

You looked me in the face and you said,

I have to do this.

You ran past the New York Giants, jumped on stage, sang every word to when a man loves a woman with him.

And I was like, why didn't you stop me?

She was like, you were crushing.

It was unbelievable.

People were going nuts like you were fucking.

It was unbelievable.

Nailing it, right?

And then I was like, then she shows me the last picture and it's Michael Bolton doing this.

And I go, what happened here?

She goes, this is when you took the microphone out of his hand,

looked at him, then looked at the crowd and said, fuck me hard and fast.

Rod Stewart!

I called Michael Bolton, Rod Stewart, to his face.

And I have a picture.

I do.

I have a picture.

Send it to to us because we're gonna put it in the show yeah I can't do it now on behalf of everybody thank you

that's a great story that story might be in the

story wars book next year do in the book

baby it's not a long book it's just a couple of Greg stories so far

wow we are uh Alex where where are our points at after seven stories we have one more story this is a crazy game right now I should go home

last place with no points from the second half

with six points, Big Jay Ogerson.

I treat you the best.

I treat you the best

in fourth place with 10 points.

Does it even hurt you at all?

Do you like it?

You like it, kind of.

Oh, you fucks.

In fourth place with 10 points, Ryan Shayn.

Bushley, this is the most fun I've ever had in my life.

In third place with 13 points, Jason Ellis.

In second place with 14 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Suck you.

Wait, what?

And in the league.

Is it happening?

With 19 points.

Who let the Greg out?

Sweet.

Who?

Who?

Who?

Holy shit.

This means so much to me.

Man.

This game is crazy out of reach for me, but

everybody else is still involved.

Six points is crazy, dude.

I'm here, though.

I'm playing.

gentlemen let's take a quick moment to thank chubbies for supporting the show and you should know that chubbies has just launched their fall collection it's full comfortable pieces that look amazing and chubbies just aren't for shorts anymore we were wearing chubby shorts all summer long we were pontooning we were by the pool we had their their bathing suits their shorts the long shorts i wore the short shorts when i was just with the boys let you guys see my thick thighs but they don't just have shorts anymore they have

i swore at some point your knob was going to come out of the side nope but it never did never did that's how good chubbies they keep you covered where you want to be covered.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They were short enough to have a knob pop out.

You're just tiny, tiny penis wouldn't.

Well, you know, I wouldn't call it tiny, tiny.

I think it's slightly below average, and that's okay.

I think with you know, being a little below average, it enabled this.

I felt about um being in scroll, like I was a below-average student.

But when you're below average, you figure out ways to get it done.

You have to.

So I get the job done, and I get it done enthusiastically.

But that's not what we're here to talk about.

We're talking about how fall should be cozy and not restricted.

Lewis lays down that fat dick.

But besides that,

you have to hang loose with some chubbies.

They have really just amazing,

just comfortable clothing, period.

Their everywhere jogger is the new staple in my household.

It's a perfect pant for weekend errands, naps, and everything in between.

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You're going to get $10 off your order today.

Once again, that is chubbieshorts.com.

Use that promo code W-A-R-Z for $10 off your order.

Support the show.

Show your thighs and respect with Chubbies.

All right, where were we?

Look, the three of us could still win.

We have one more story.

This is our final story.

You guys ready for our last story?

Come on, folks.

Without further ado, Alex, story number eight.

Wait, has anyone ever just written a name before the story?

Like, fucking just mavericked it?

Yeah, I think we have.

All right, my bad then.

You still fuck Michael Bolton, so I don't care if you win or lose.

That's the greatest shit ever.

Just that I know that he was there and you did that to him.

Just, I'm going to smile about that every now and then for the rest of my fucking life.

Dude, taking the mic out of his hand to be like, I got you.

Let somebody else fucking give you your fucking flowers.

Ron's doing it, everybody.

So fucking good.

Amazing.

Give it a Sugar Hill gang.

Hey, you know that guy guy has a statue of himself in his backyard.

Does he really?

Yeah.

And he fucking called it Rod Stewart.

Boom, dude.

That is a big

annihilated.

Our final story, story number eight.

Let's go, Alex.

Story number eight.

I was beaten by a female police officer.

Feels like a Philly story again.

Beaten by a female police officer.

I know it's not Jay because Jay claims that no female police officer could take him anymore.

Not Jay.

No.

If

sure, it's not Jay.

I'll tell you what, this would be a good move by me, though, to fucking.

I should have done this, but it wouldn't be real because it's impossible for it to happen.

It feels like it just happened.

Wait,

maybe they had maybe she pulled her gun out first and put it to their temple like this, and then beat the shit out of them because then I can't

why that would happen.

That's different.

But if she even pulled it out and didn't put it against my head and just kind of was waving it around, I'd take a shot at fighting her still.

It's still a chicky seat.

Shaner is 4'11.

Right.

I know.

I didn't want to say it, but you said it.

Yeah, I do feel it's like this is where a female cop really gets to flex her shit a little bit.

She was like, oh, fucking bingo, I got one.

I'm gonna kneecap this guy.

I'm gonna vertical suplex him.

Thank you.

DDT.

She's practicing some real wrestling shit on him.

And she's doing some real fucking good shit.

How hot is this cop?

That's really the question.

How hot is this cop?

Hey, Linda, why don't you take a crack at this one?

Good cop, hot cop.

There's a junk guy fist fighting a wall over there.

Go, fuck him up.

It could be Ellis, too.

Because he probably gets pulled over a lot.

Because you have tattoos.

You look like a...

This could be an Ellis, like, he's beaten by a female police officer, but it's, like, not on duty, like, back at his place, and she was, like, wearing a thing and fucking cracking his ass and stuff like that.

This also could be a board game.

We never really went into that.

Well, wait a minute.

Why would you say that?

That's true.

It doesn't mean beaten physically.

They're beaten in life somehow.

That's actually a great point.

It might even have been the game life.

We don't know.

Or it might have been.

Or maybe

you were beaten for your sergeant.

Who's going to become sergeant?

By a female police officer.

Is anybody here a sergeant?

So

Ellis is very tough, right?

But also, I don't think that Ellis would ever hit a woman.

Right.

He's not going to fight her.

So I think he was.

People in Australia hit women all the time, is what we're known for.

It's like the reason.

You don't ignore that.

My girlfriend is always a good girl.

The stars on the flag are actually over a woman's head after a fist hits it.

That's what those stars mean.

There's always birds chirping.

I'm going Ellis or Shane or Ellis or Shanner.

This feels like Shanner to me.

I mean, Shanner's also,

you're a rascal.

A rap scallion.

A rap scallion, yeah.

I've made a fishy shit on a sandwich.

I may have had a few run-ins with the law, but honestly, female cops, I don't take seriously.

I mean, whoa.

Sorry.

Sorry.

None of us do.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Everyone, shut up.

Round of applause.

Who takes female police officers seriously?

Honest.

Round.

Yeah, listen.

All right.

They still have a gun.

Oh, yeah.

Did they even know how to use that thing?

Nobody knows what that fucking

You know how many times I take a gun out of a woman's hand, be like, Rod Stewart, everybody.

They don't know what they're doing.

Oh, I'd love for a female cop to pull a gun on me and just take it out of her hand, like, clunk her on the head.

Come on.

Don't be stupid, idiot.

Put it away.

Put it away before someone gets hurt.

It's hard, man, is what I would say if I was beaten by a police officer.

I don't know.

I think you, but also you.

I said your meat was beaten by a police wheel officer.

Maybe it was you.

That's right, because you were beaten off by a female officer.

You were beaten off by a female police officer.

Look, I'm not really good with the English language, but I would have explained it a little better than that.

And Sandra Bullock played a police officer in Demolition Man.

Oh,

that's correct.

There's things connecting.

Wait a minute, you're saying you're not auto-symbolic?

The future is now.

I'm just saying.

Look, I hate to pick on little guys, but so do female police officers.

Yeah, I'm feeling Shanner.

What the fuck is that?

I'm out of the game.

Why am I being on?

Oh, what if I...

It doesn't matter.

I mean, if we all, here's the thing.

If we all vote Shaner and it's Ellis, Ellis is going to end up winning this just by pure mathematics.

Right now, what I do before.

I know.

Wait, I could win still?

You can still win, yeah.

You might win.

I think it's Shannon, but I don't want to get Ellis in the game.

I'm getting Shannon.

No way.

Any Any of us can lose to a...

Sorry.

You can't lose to a female.

Correct.

Yeah.

He could, though.

Sorry.

Why did you say that?

No, not you.

Brian Shanner is my answer.

Hey, you got to do it.

First job.

Every time I go against my initial instincts, I'm wrong.

Who do you think, Shanner?

I mean, having punched...

Who here has punched a woman in the face before?

Here, here.

How many times are we talking about?

What did she say?

What did she say?

It's not what she said, it's what she did.

She didn't fart on my stromboli.

Bitch, you want to live your rent free?

You fart on my stromboli.

That's a saying for somebody that ruined your day.

She really farted on my stromboli.

Hey, dude, listen, I hate to fart on your stromboli, but uh, we got to do another hour and a half,

and we're not getting double pay overtime.

Lewis, was it you?

No,

no, I've never been beaten by a female.

All right, yeah,

Beaten by a female cop?

That's crazy.

If a female cop started beating me, it's on.

I'm like, all right, you know what?

I was going to let you arrest me, but now I'm going to escape.

You happy?

I was going to let you arrest me, but you started beating on me, and now I'm going to show you I was letting you arrest me.

And now I will escape.

You happy?

I think everyone voted Shane or Ellen.

Who here agrees that it's me?

Nobody.

Nobody.

Real quick.

Who thinks it's Ellis?

One guy.

Clap your hands.

Don't raise your hands, you psyche.

So everybody thinks it's Lewis.

Everybody thinks it's Lewis.

Yeah.

I think it is Lewis.

It is.

Fuck.

I think it is Lewis.

Mark my words.

And I come through with everything I say.

If this is Lewis,

I'll quit the show.

No, don't say that.

Whoa.

No, Jay.

No, we won't.

I don't want that.

It's not you.

It's not you either.

I wouldn't hang with the guy who got beat up by our female cop.

It's not Jay.

It's not me.

It's Shanner or Alex.

We all voted Shana.

We have this is our final story.

Who is the winner here?

Alex, whose story was this?

The final story of the night

belongs to

Jason.

I knew it.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch!

Wow, what a real pussy, guys.

I knew it!

Because you

got a real fucking pussy!

Fuck!

The next day is when I started taking steroids.

Yeah!

Fuck, I knew it!

Jason, what happened here?

Why did this look up beat your ass?

Okay.

She beat me good, too.

So I was in San Diego with a bunch of drunk guys, and we got in a fight in an alleyway and we were just punching each other.

I was just punching to save my friends.

We're fighting a bunch of dudes and I had hair back then.

Fucking son of a bitch.

I had long, luscious locks.

I used to see me.

I was really attractive.

Fuck, man.

But I was punching a guy and somebody pulled my hair and I just span around and punched him.

No.

And it was a female police officer.

That's the worst thing that could have happened.

So she hits the ground and I go, oh, fuck.

And I just take off running because I'm like, that's a cop.

I didn't think about the girl.

That's so funny.

And I run and I hear like someone's catching me and I'm like, you know, I'm drunk.

Not only did she beat you up, she outran you.

You failed.

She got Terminator Genesis?

She clicked my...

You know when

you do the click of the...

Hey, man, I'm a pro skateboarder.

We don't go quick, dude.

If I'm not on the wheels, I fucking hobble.

I always have.

You're crushing.

My shit is broke, dude.

I cannot run.

She clicked,

one of my feet, and it hit the other foot, and I fucking hit the deck.

And then she grabs me and put her handcuffs on and put me up against the wall.

And she kneed me in the ass and it smashed my balls on the wall.

Then you came.

It made me headbutt the wall.

And then she took me, and this is before I was a citizen for her at a green card and all that shit.

And they took me back to the county jail.

And because she was mad that I punched her, she she handcuffed, she put me on my knees and handcuffed my hands behind my hamstrings so I was on my face on my knees and then she beat me with a baton for like

for like half an hour, dude.

Like a long time.

Well, a little your fault because you should have come quicker.

Yeah, it got worse, dude.

They put me in a, in a, in a cell and I was so drunk I passed out and there was a homeless guy in there and he pissed himself and I woke a video and I woke up

I'm I'm 53 it was before we had fucking camera phones but I woke up and I was sleeping in the homeless guy's piss

and then and then they're like you're they just let me go like the next day they're like that was your punishment you were sentenced to you were sentenced to homeless piss nap yeah well I think I think the police officer was like well I did assault the shit out of you for 30 minutes so let's just call it even Stevens

and off you go And then we walk from Vista County Jail, like back to Mission Beach.

It's a really long walk on the freeway.

And

the homeless man's piss dried up

on my dick and it made me chafe.

So I walked like a crab for like four hours, sideways on the fucking 405.

And I've never hit a lady since.

Nice.

Wow.

It'd be funny if you were like, and ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to female officer my wife.

It all worked out.

I mean, eight stories down.

I don't actually know who won this.

I think I have an idea.

What is our final count, Alex?

All right.

In dead, last place with six.

Oh, no.

Big, Jay, dead.

I said funny stuff still.

Whoa.

And quit the show.

In fourth place with 10 points, Ryan Shaner.

In third place with 14 points, Louis J.

Gomez.

Second place scored 19 points.

And your winner tonight with 21 points, Jason Ellis.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Jesus Christ.

All the way, USA, cheeseburgers, beer, party.

Fuck yeah, dude.

America.

and steroids.

Did you inform Jason?

Jason, now you're officially a story warrior, so

you can trigger what we've all been triggering all night.

What?

What do I do now?

Double points.

Double points.

Double points.

Oh, it feels great, doesn't it?

Those two ladies hate me.

I swear to God, I won't punch you, I

No, that was the old hit.

Just don't pull my hair.

What a show, folks.

Everybody, your newest Story Warrior, Jason Ellis.

Wow.

A big round of applause for our entire panel.

Greg Stone, Ryan Shaner.

I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I'm Louis J.

Gomez.

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars.

Good night.