070. Rich Vos, Sean Patton, Dave Temple | Hotels

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All right, let's start the show.

Fill her up.

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis Jay Governor.

What the fuck is up? Welcome to Story Wars. Everybody makes noise for me in here at Woody, New York.

Wow. Look at this.
Another sold-out show here at the New York Comedy Club, our home right here in New York City. Get those tickets to come every Wednesday night, 7:45 p.m.
Eastern.

Always selling.

Welcome to the show, everybody. You don't have to tell them where to get tickets, you dickhead, out of the gates.

We always ask this every show. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars?

And how many people are not familiar with the game Story Wars? I'm not at all.

This guy's not at all.

And he's very vocal. Oh, dude, that guy is a wedding ham.
I feel it. Oh, dude.
This guy, he's been the best man four times. Yes.

I fucking can't stand him already. He is a ham for sure.
Sir, I'll refund your money. You can leave right now.

This guy doesn't have one t-shirt, doesn't have a funny saying on it.

My other motorcycle is your mom, or something like that.

I'm not gay, but $20 is $20.

If you're unfamiliar with the game, it's your first time watching the game here. We will explain after we get our esteemed panel up on the stage.

Our first contestant tonight, you know, him from the show English Teacher, which is happening right now, season two on Hulu. His special number one available right now on YouTube.

Make some notes for the hilarious Sean Patton, please.

Thank you. Thank you.
Sean Patton, this is your second, third time here on the

second time on Story Wars. Second time.
Got cheated the first, looking to make up for that. This is going to be a good, very early Story Wars competitor, Sean Patton.

So the game has evolved a lot since you've been here. Has it? I think so.
All right. I'm ready for the

truth. I don't remember.

I don't think that's true.

I feel like it's like funny stories, and then I get cheated. I think that's the.
No, you're going to beat me. That's pretty much.
Yeah, that's how it rolls.

Louis cheats every week. I have a feeling tonight you're going to do very, very well on the panel.
How do you know? How do you know? Do you know the stories already? No.

That would be cheating. That would be cheating for sure.
This is the most lit I've ever seen in this room, and it's wild. It is lit.
It's very, like, I've never seen, I've done so many spots here.

It's such a small, dingy, yeah. Is this for us though? Like this little thing? You could actually see the bloodstains.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

You see the scars. Our second competitor, also returning to Story Wars.
You know him from his podcast, No Need for Apologies on the Gas Digital Network. Clap it up as loud as good for Dave Temple.

I like this one, Jim.

I think doing.

What up, Story Warriors? What up, what up?

You also did not win the last time you were here. Nah, I did very bad the last time I was on

everyone's redemption song tonight.

Also, last but not least, joining our panel, you know him from a special 30 Minutes with Rich Voss, available on YouTube and a former winner on the show, and also a Story Warrior himself.

Make some noise for the legend, the hilarious Rich Voss.

That was very it's very rich Vossy music it feels like

double points

Here's the thing

I'm big fans of you guys You gotta up my credits. I got some newer stuff.
You know what I mean?

It's well, you know this is a gas digital show so Lewis is always going to make sure they plug the thing you did with Gas Digital, 30 Minutes with Rich Voss. Okay, we'll go over some other stuff.

Yeah, you know, when I, a quick story, I had to go into the emergency room one night. Emergency room.
Yeah.

What are the odds the white man getting corrected? When a black man is correcting you on your speech, that was progress. We did it, everybody.

Right here. That was worth two Kamala presidencies.

Okay, that was the moment that racism ended yeah so i'm in the emergency anyhow my i have she checked my prostate a female doctor and then as she's washing her hands she goes i loved you on last comic standing and i was so offended she didn't know my new credits you know yeah yeah yeah that does

rich do you not do you not remember how the show works do you think you have to come out and tell your stories up top

listen you're lucky i'm here

i'm a big act uh it is an amazing panel we have tonight You guys came on a great night. If you're unfamiliar with the show or the game, it's a very simple one.

Everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic?

Hotels. Ooh.

That's right, folks. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off in no particular order.
One at a time, it's going to pop up on this screen.

If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to fool everybody that's not your story.
If it is not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points, and every time you fool the person on the panel, you get one point. So, when it's your story, you have the opportunity to get four points.

It's a very big opportunity in those moments. Once you put your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot right there, and remove your hand.
That's your final answer.

You can't change your answer after that. And this game is a ton of fun.
You guys are going to have more fun than you've ever had. Sir, you're going to uncross your arms at one point.

You're going to have an amazing time. He's very pissed off off for some reason.

His glasses are fogged up with feet, with anger. This guy,

no, no, don't just do it. Let's earn it.
Yeah,

let's earn it. Let us earn it.
Let's earn it. Let us earn it.

We are not playing for fun here. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today.

Every week here on Story Wars, we are competing for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner goes home with Quantum Mechanics in Everyday Life by Dr.
Wilton L. Virgo.

Classical.

Quantum mechanics is a study of how the tiniest particles in the universe, like atoms and electrons, behave in unpredictable ways.

The laws of quantum mechanics operate on a scale too small to see, yet they shape everything around us. Dr.
Wilton L.

Virgo shows us how these invisible principles aren't just theory, but the reason our everyday world works the way it does.

How we're just giving that away tonight, huh? We're just going to give that to whoever wins. That's crazy.
How much can you possibly be paid to read that bullshit? Paid to?

I mean, oh, it would be your pleasure. I'm just bummed out because I already have two copies.

I'll just have a third of this book. For Christmas, give me for Christmas.
It's got a list price of $34.99.

$34.99. It's an expensive book.
You don't have it on audio tape because I don't read.

Can't read.

Was you going to tell this African-American quantum mechanics doctor that you're not going to spend $35 on? Is it an African-American? Yeah. Oh, my God.

I was not expecting that. I know.
We all thought Asian. Let me not.

I just thought myself, that was progress. There you go.
We're doing progress. Not even February.

I think everybody who gets it is going to get it. If not, you'll pick it up as we go on.

Besides that, are we ready for war?

Let's go. Come on.
Let's go.

I said, are we ready for war?

Pew pew.

We should play this song one.

Alex.

With no further ado, story number one.

Story number one.

I was in a hotel room one night when the guests next door became very loud. I turned my TV volume all the way up and they responded by calling the cops.

Whatever it is, I'm on their side.

Oh, fuck. Wait, you're on whose side? I'm on the side of the people who call the cops on whoever story this is.

Because the TV was loud? Yeah. yeah, because hilarious, because it's Lewis,

yeah, yeah, I do think it's Lewis, but I'm also trying to think of like

what were they it's vague, it's vague to say that the next door, the guests became very loud. If it's

I'm trying to think of who complains, if that's a couple fucking like who's the nerd? No, I don't think it's a couple fucking who complains about that. Well, what was it, Lewis?

I think they would have given more context there.

I'm assuming it was black people having fun.

I would you know, I'm not turning my TV up for that, you know i'm joining i would imagine one if the cops came

uh

and here's the thing if you could hear the tv next door it's a shitty motel it's not a good hotel you know what i'm saying the hotels i stay in well i have the whole floor uh

i i have to think this is uh

Rich is the persona of Ric Flair in the 70s.

I'm styling and profiling, I think. Well, so they didn't, there was no snapping.

Nice turn. Cash and checks.

It was like a

fuck you. I'm just going to turn the TV loud.
How loud was the TV? It was loud. It was? Yeah.

Well,

I do have to say. Nice, buddy.

He's so senile that I think he's not even acting right now. He might be acting.

He'll be a good move. Because Rich is very quick, but I will say, I thought it was Rich anyway because I'm trying to think.

Rich is the only person on this thing that would... This is a Karen move.
Yeah.

I've been known to be a Karen. Here's what I've learned, Rich.
This is a beautiful move. If people are being loud next door to you, everyone use this.

What you can do is you can just call their room and pretend to be the front desk.

So you can just be like, hey, listen, the cops are going to come. You guys got a real, you don't have to even go through the front desk.
You say whatever you want to.

I hear you through the door, motherfucker. You fucker.
You could threaten them. You know that because you used to work at front desk.
No,

I'm just, I've stayed in enough hotels and been in enough of a Karen.

Well, you know, it's not me because if the cops would have came, I would have been dead.

I've never been a hotel Karen.

I always figure I take as good as I give. Like, I've

probably been annoying in hotel rooms. You've never been loud in a hotel room.
That's not true. I mean, it depends.
I just,

I've, how loud? I'm curious as to what.

I've played music pretty late. I mean, I'm not crazy loud, but loud enough that it's I've gotten like a call before to be like, hey, you have, yeah,

fuck, dude. It was like you're gonna get kicked out.

Your music's too fucking loud, you faggot.

Not to get like, uh, not like to get kicked out, just like saying, like, there's a complaint of noise. I go into full black hole mode in the hotel.
I just, I disappear from reality for 36 hours.

I can't hear anything. I sleep for 15 hours.
I sleep like a goddamn angel in hotels. Like a dead angel.

Yeah. Yeah, I fucking, I fall right out.
I sit on my phone and, you know, fall asleep playing like scrap. Rich, this happens if you're on a bus, if you're at dinner.

Yeah, it happened in a green room

with glasses on the end of your nose.

Playing Suducco.

Reading the scrolls.

Rich always falls out.

I mean,

Torah in original Hebrew. This is an older Jewish guy response to people being allowed next door to them in a hotel room.
I agree.

Rich also has been a road dog for a long time, so you know these are some shitty ass fucking old school motels. Or last weekend at Uncle Biddy's.

Or it's Lewis. Or it's me.
Yeah, because Lewis is trying hard to sell Voss right now. Yep.
That was a real speech he gave me. I'm going to wrap it up, summarize.
Make me look petty.

So in closing, everybody.

Just so we all understand.

Yeah. I'm pretty sure Rich Voss.
You wrote Rich's full name, Rich Voss.

Which means he's thinking too much shit.

I don't think it's, Jay, because you're doing so much. You don't care what goes on anywhere.

No, I would. I would just deal with this.

Sean, you know, no way. Dave doesn't really get to go on the road.

I'm going to have to go with Lewis.

But I don't see Lewis as a snitch. I don't.
This is all.

I would snitch. I would snitch for sure.
Well, it doesn't matter. There's no snitching.
Yeah, there's no snitching here. This person was being snitched on.

Well, if somebody's calling a front desk going loud, that's not. No, no, he didn't.
Lewis or you

turn the volume way up. Rich might be playing the game high level.
I have no idea.

Now I don't think it's Rich. I thought it was Rich for a minute, but now he's convincing everyone that it's not him by playing dumb.

But Lewis already voted for you, which he knows might be a bullshit vote because it's him. And now he's playing like the fuck.
I wish I would have.

Yeah.

Jay, it's not always me, you idiot.

I'm giving Rich more credit here.

I think he's swindling us all, making them now think that it's not him. It's definitely him.
That was good. Yeah, it's definitely between Rich and Lewis.
And I don't think Rich can hear that well.

He's complaining about a TV in the other room. He's been on the road since 1962.

But then he was on crack, and he sleeps through anything on that.

I used to open for Moses, first of all.

That's how you spell Lewis, isn't there an O?

No.

Isn't there an O?

I mean, no, yes. Yes, there is an O

in the normal way of spelling. Yes.
I thought so.

This is a Latino way of spelling.

This is the aggressive

re-pronouncing of something of a self-hating Hispanic who wants to be white. His name is Luis, for sure.

For sure.

You just made the audience sad. I know.
Yeah.

Holy shit, that was almost a documentary. Yeah.

Rich Luis Jay Gomez. What's that? What are we thinking here? Why do I got to go? Oh, it's Pete.
Oh. Temple, you can go next.
It's fine. Who do I think? I'm going to go, but I think

it was on YouTube, and I noticed just it was the way Sean just kind of breezed over.

Could be Sean.

I just sleep. I go in the room and I just zonk out for 15 hours.
You know what I mean? He just kind of

threw the blank shade on him. And I know you get a point for tricking everybody.
Yeah.

That was good. You know what? And then

you may have noticed a subtle thing. He's doing a look around.
He's, you know, half a bottle of water in. I'm a little nervous.
I am hydrated. I get wild when I get hydrated.

I get brave. It's fucking Dave.
You're saying so much about him trying to take the focus off of you. I told you.

He was doing all that just for you, Rich. He's doing all of that just to fool you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. At this point,

he would have everybody else fooled.

We all got trust issues. You're seeing them.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
But I got to strip my mind on this. Yeah, I'm going Sean.
Sean Patton.

That's a... Okay.
Sean, your beard is fucking looking crisp, my friend. Thank you, brother.

You're like a picture in a barber shop. Yeah.
What if I vote for myself and get it wrong?

You can't vote for yourself, Rich. You know this.
You've been on the show seven times. I don't remember.
You've been doing the show since 1984

when

it was first hosted by Burt Convey.

Wink Martindale.

Did nobody else vote for Rich? Oh, we did. All right.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number one belongs to Sean Powell.

Stop being so confused.

Yo, that was good, Temple. Yeah, man.
That was a good way to call that way late in the game.

He goes, he just really threw it away quick, like this couldn't be me because I'm unconscious the entire time. Yeah.

Do I get to explain? Yeah. You tell the story.

So basically,

it was in Indianapolis. It was a W, by the way.
It was not a shit hotel. Quite a fair

priced spot.

It's a lovely place. No, he was sleeping in a woman's room.
Right, right. No, it was, but it was.

I don't get it. The W.

Oh, nice.

Sometimes it's right there. Sometimes it's right there.

And it was one of the rooms where the door, you shared the, you had a door that shared another door with another room, which I hate. But yes, the couple next door was fucking.

And it was not just like normal. It was loud, like obnoxious, like, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and then I opened my door so you could come?

You know, no, by that point, I'd already come, but I just, I just wanted to justify coming in the first place.

And it was just, oh, and it was very loud. And I thought that by opening my door, it would make enough of a squeaker sound to make them self-conscious, but it didn't do that at all.

So then, yes, I turned the volume just insanely loud, and then I get a knock. This guy's distracting me while I'm fucking the shit out of this chick.

Well, I get a knock on the door, on that, on the fucking door, the inside door. I'm like, oh, wow.
Okay. They have nerve.
No, because I, because then I then, then I then shut mine.

I also shut it after I'd opened it. And then I get a knock, and I'm like, oh, fuck.
So I open, and then I open it again, and it's her. And she's completely nude.
Sex.

And then she freaks out and slams the door. Okay.
All right. And I close my door who are you supposed to be exactly

and then

she was like oh the lord christ take me

take me to heaven oh that's just some guy with a great beard exactly uh and then i then there's a second knock moments later and i open it and it's the guy and he's got a full fucking erection and he's fully naked and he goes you are not supposed to be in this room you are not and then he shuts the door right i'm like what the fuck

this is the in-between doors Yeah, in between doors. So I like, yo, that's like staying in a haunted room if you stay in the room the rest of the night.
I know. It's like tainted.

And I lock the door and kind of turn the volume to a normal level. And I don't hear anything for a while.
And I eventually just go back to sleep. And then I'm woken up by cops knocking on my door

with the hotel people. You open the door and they were completely naked.
Yeah, completely naked. Dude, these people think you want to party, man.
You were not taking the hit. Exactly, man.

Party police. No, it was two cops and two members of the staff.
And basically, the couple had checked out and said that I had threatened them with a gun.

So they had to come into my room and search it for a weapon. Wow.
Because I was like,

I do not have a gun. And I sat on the bed while the two cops just went through all my shit.
With a rock hard boner. Yeah,

you could check right here. Two questions.
A wish. Was the chick hot? Did the guy have a huge dick? The guy did have a really huge dick.
That's the thing I remember more.

Because it's just not, it's very, it's not that often where you're just like, hey, it's just looking. It's just.
Guy wasn't much taller than me, but the dick was just.

Oh, and hard because he was just fucking

at me. Dude, that's great to yell at someone with a hard dick.
To be in an

ultimate.

You still have a hard dick. Hey, motherfucker, I'm going to finish fucking, but I'll deal with you later.
You have to listen to thousands of hours of the Joe Rogan podcast to have that sort of focus.

Dude, I'm telling you.

That's like black.

It has dark web fucking on it. It was insane.
I'm just wondering. I still want to know who I was supposed to be or who was supposed to be in that room.
Roomster.

You're not supposed to be in it. They both seemed to react like I was supposed to be someone else and I was part of some like, oh, we're going to start fucking.

When you're ready to come in, turn the volume up really loud.

I wonder what you could have.

I wonder what you could have been wearing that they would have thought you were the right person, like a karate gi

or like a full snuggie or something.

Oh, perfect. To see you.
Dressed like Peyton Manning.

It was Indiana.

To see one that hard not coming through a hole is so strange.

Oh, did she have a bush? You got it.

Yeah.

Nah, I was laughing because I heard someone go, what?

A fucking Glory Hole.

Fucking Glory Hole, stupid. The name of Rich Foss's next special.

Glory hole, stupid. No, I mean, she was,

she was attractive, but I'm more

the memory of the just the dick.

I've never been looked at by a penis before.

She was looking at me. Hell, you were crazy, right? It was pretty.
It was,

you look forlorn. You look wistful.
Yeah, Jay, Jay wishes that was his story.

Dude, yeah.

Tactile veins, like a bub skin.

Big head. Cut? Uncut.
Like a wider head. Cut.
Alex, can you give us our points after round one? Yo, it's crazy. Keep talking about crazy dick.

That was the first story. The show's been on for 40 minutes.

On the scoreboard in second place with two points, Dave Temple. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

And in the lead with three points, Sean Patton.

Finally!

Two people voted for me. Don't I get points?

I tricked two people.

It

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story number two

when i was broke i robbed a hotel because nobody was behind the desk

this feels like rich or lewis again yeah i never realized how much your junkie and lewis's regular old Hispanic pasts are the same.

Well, so here's the thing, though. Dave Temple used to be a biker.
He used to be into organized crime. This was like his fucking actual past.

And this is a nice way to be like, hey, are you just saying this because I'm black?

I don't know. It's a nice like, throw you off the scent.
I don't know if any of that's true, but I just assume it. Here's the thing.

It also is a crime, and at the same time, like a pleasant, not terrifying crime. This This is like, well, nobody was there, so I took some stuff.
Right.

So it still gets you street hood cred, but it's also still the very sweet person that you are. This is Dave Temple.
Okay.

You'll see the crazy thing about both Lewis and Jay would blame this crime on a black guy if they got caught.

I can't argue with that. You always, you guys can't always blame the race on it.

Yeah,

if it's that I robbed a hotel and then shot three of my cousins outside of it and smoked a blunt in a soup while branding my cousins had a bad thing. Everybody was pregnant.
Right.

If I'd have got away in a Nissan Altima. Yes.
Yes.

This is nothing to do with race. This is to do with personality.
And I know that

you used to lead a little bit of a checkered life. Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

If it said, then I rode away on my horse. Like, that's rich.
Yeah.

Only one around. Yeah.

Then I robbed a Wells Fargo.

The original one. The one in the logo, like the wagon train.

I'm trying to think, though. Did I rob a hotel?

I'm not falling for that shit.

I believe that. Yeah, right.
But Rich also has a checkered pass as well. But here's the thing.
So he's got a checkers pass. He's never played chess, but he can play checkers.

Look, here's the thing. And I got 40 fucking years sober.
I don't rob people or hotels. I would have stole.
This could be like an hour. I would have stole your drugs back in the day.
Yeah.

I would have stole.

You wouldn't take money out of a register if there was nobody there. There was a register open back in the day.
Let me tell you something. I'll do that today.

No, let me tell you one thing. Would you suck Lewis's dick if he had drugs? No, Puerto Rico.

Oh, yeah. Here's the thing.
Now we're back to race.

For me in life, and this is for real, I believe in karma. I've always believed in karma.
You know, my wife doesn't, but she's, you know, a C.

Well, whatever. Vote for whoever you want.

That's if Rich Voss was the president, that would be his final speech.

That speech just made me realize Rich is too dumb to rob anybody. It's Lewis.

That was a speech with no point.

He just gave up at the end and said, vote for who you are.

I'm getting Dave Temple vibes on this one. Me too.
Could be Rich. It could be Lewis.
He's a deplorable piece of shit. Come on, bro.

But I don't think this is Lewis. Sean, who you going with? I'm just doing this to

throw some sparks into the thing. I'm thinking of Jay.

Wow. Well, you know, that's fine.
It's not.

But I will tell you, I mean, Dave just made you look like a sucker the way he got up in your face he goes who you vote for over there and then you voted for me and he was like yeah yeah you guys can do the same thing to rich now watch he'll do it oh yeah it's dave that's what we do we try to sway how everybody votes don't vote for that motherfucker

vote a vote for dave i think that's it right there it's not jay jay's not jay's not that type of criminal he'll do drugs we've been broke before he'll sexually assault i've been plenty broke before but yeah no i was never i i'm this would make me like i'd freak out that i'm gonna get caught the whole time i was too much on something like this this is is too big.

This is too big a score. Yeah.

If I'm right, this is going to be fucking awesome. Yeah, nah,

I stick with what I was saying. It's between Lewis and Rich, and it could be Lewis.
Lewis just has the ambition to pull it off. You know what I mean?

He does have the ambition.

And that's a compliment. I mean that in

the runs as well.

Stop voting for yourself.

Lewis. See? Okay, here we go.
There you go.

And he spelled it wrong. You cocksucker.

Full disrespect.

You've won the game before.

I don't remember it.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number two belongs to Rich Voss. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

I was just trying to throw some

sprinkles on the cake. It's an easy one.
We were, I guess, 17. We hitchhiked down the seaside, me and Dave Bowles.
1917? Yes. And

you're no fucking spring chicken, pal. Anyhow,

we had no money. We were, you know, just staying at whatever hotel people would let us stay in.
And we were broke. We went to a restaurant, ate, ran out without paying, right?

And we were ready to hitchhike back home. And I go, we looked in the hotel in the big window.
It's a plot of Tom Sawyer?

And there was nobody behind it. You guys were a couple of rascals.
There was nobody behind it. You find out you actually read the books you guys win.

So we went in, popped 25 bucks. And 25 bucks back then got us another damn season.
Get a mortgage.

You guys hopping your radio flyer wagons.

They got away on that, whatever that thing is on the train tracks where they both have to pump it.

Pump train tracks.

Anywho,

there was a dansel in distress tied to the tracks.

Oh, that's back when Rich was a fucking

train hobo.

He was a boxcar. Oh, back when Rich was a boxcar Willie.

He had bags with money signs on them.

On the stick. Stashed it in my hanky tied on a stick.

Singing public domain songs. She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes.

Oh, shit. All right.

Two stories down, Alex. Where are our points at? All right.
In third place with two points, Dave Temple.

Yeah.

In second place with three points, Sean Patton.

And in the lead with four points, Rich Voss.

Dude, okay.

We should take away two points for him voting for himself. Ooh, that makes me angry.
I I know, by the way, I'll tell you something. What? Lewis is furious with you inside.
Why?

Burnish to not vote for yourself. I was just fucking around.

It's a serious thing.

He gives you a full speech before.

He just said, don't vote for yourself. Oh, you did? Yes.
Oh, okay. Here's the thing.
All the votes were in, so it didn't matter. If I was first, I wouldn't have done it.

It kills the

suspense with the audience. Oh, they don't give a fuck.

And you take away. It's exclusively what they they give a fuck about.

They really care. Trust me, they care.
Okay, I'm sorry. Look at this guy.
His arms are folded again.

Oh, great. Now this guy's all folded up again.
Look at origami arms over here. We're trying to make this guy happy.
Oh, thank God we've got 75 more stories.

I think it's encouraging that Rich is willing to do whatever it takes to read up on an African-American astrophysicist. You know what I mean? That's progress.
That is progress. Thank you.
You know?

Thank you. That's the rich I was promised on HBO's Death Comedy Jam.
You know what? I'm going to make it, do a 10-step, make amends. I'm sorry.
It won't happen again. It's okay.
Thanks, Rich. Okay.

Love you, buddy. It was big.
Now go home and get your shine box. Get your fucking shine box.
Alex, story number three. Sorry.

Story number three.

I brought a girl to a motel and she blew me.

I saw a bug on the wall and used it as an excuse to leave immediately after she finished.

This is rich.

That's rich again.

I know there was already a rich one, but I think this is two richest in a row. Who else is this? I don't know if this is too.
Sean, were you ever a problem drug addict alcoholic ever?

I mean,

how is this a problem of drug addict alcoholic?

Motel blowjob?

Yeah, this says this is about hotels this is a this is a scuzz night this is indisputably lewis j gomez who has it who hasn't had a night where you're bringing back to a hotel room to blow you you are too and who hasn't brought her to a place that has bugs obviously you know what you're right yeah i i'm i'm writing lewis i'm not putting it in yeah you know prove me wrong

i mean he tried to defend it

he tried to defend the behavior no

i'm i'm saying this is not a drug addict behavior this is a sex addict behavior Okay. And I think most people that are comics are sex addicts, yes, including me.

But you keep yelling at the world you're a sex addict, which I think you're just dog whistling to get pussy.

I'm a sex addict. I don't know.
And I have it so much, I must be really good at it.

And I love eating pussy. It must be my thing, I guess.
I don't know. I got to stop.
I should help. I should get help.

And it's code for it. Any girls that are want to help a pussy eating addict?

I could change with your your love. I'm addicted to being so awesome and getting tons of pussy.

I'm addicted to being rad. I'm addicted to crushing pussy.

What do you want me to say?

And it makes me sad. It's a blessing and a curse.
I've chosen over my family.

It's also code for I was off drugs when this story happened.

I was sober.

The orgasms on these hands, which I don't even need to use when I I eat pussy. I'm so good.
I'm so fantastic at eating pussy. It's nuts.

Why are you forsaking me, God, with this addiction to eating pussy? Really awesome. With this remarkable tongue.
Why does the pleasure of the woman

matter so much to me?

Why do I care so much?

Why did she want to go down on me first and rob me of this goddamn child?

Lay back and allow me to worship.

Ah, shit, another eye infection from squirt.

Pink eye is my burden.

My cross to bear.

Temple, Temple,

once again, you have a checkered past.

We're liking that, yeah. You think I was getting a blowjob in a motel? Maybe.
Motel. You were a bike gang.
Holiday insane.

You were in a bike gang. That's bike gang.
Stop calling it a bike gang. It's a bike gik.
It's bikers.

Was it black?

You know, bikers are. Yeah, they're not fucking huffies, dude.
No, but hold on. You know the bikers with like leather jackets, like Sons of Anarchy? Yeah.
But they're black. Imagine that shit.

Wait, not only are they black,

but they're not on these motorcycles. They're on these streets.

I'm crotch rocking.

Black biker gangs are pretty hilarious. I'm sure they're coming scary, but in the scheme of black bikers in Brooklyn that's how we were worried about

how they're on dirt bikes. I like that Lewis.
They stop and they all go ass up.

I like how Lewis pitched it like it was a scary movie, but they're black. They are black, though.
It was like at the end of time to kill. Now imagine they're black.

Look, once you stop laughing at their hilarious little outfits and motorcycles, they're still black.

Yeah, that is true. See, I think Jay came out real quick and goes, it's me.
But

you get a lot of pussy on the road.

So do you. Yeah.

It's between one of you two fucks. It's possible.
Dick is Lewis.

I just don't know. I'm inclined to take offense at that, Rich, but

I'm a more secure human being. I'm pretty sure Sean's

alone. No, he complains a lot on the road that other people get pussy.

We're all pretty much decades into comedy.

Everyone's been alone on the road once. Cloud next door.
In a motel with a bug on the wall. In a motel.
Yes, all these things.

This is not that unique of a story, ultimately.

This is Lewis. This is Lewis.

I don't think it's Jay because, I mean, Jay did have a time when he was a fucking real deal fucking pussyhound.

Yeah, but I feel like it's a new game.

I don't even know. No, go bring your girl to a motel.
I've never gotten a motel in my life. You're supposed to do that.
You're playing a game right now. Right.

But I'm just telling you, when it comes up, it's not me. Now you guys all know.
Oh, you're driving. You never pay for a hook.
Well, wait a minute. You were driving hookers for years.

That's like what you do, Motel Blow Jobs. No, no.
First of all, maybe that's what you do if you're getting a hooker.

If you're driving a hooker to go fuck guys, you don't then say, hey, let's also get a place after. I'd like to fuck all that cum out of your mouth and pussy.

No. No, I drove her home.
I was a human being. I just think you're sad.
And I would listen to her sad story about getting her kids back from social services.

And I'd go, knock them dead in court, kiddo.

And I'd buy him Denny's once in a while because I'm a positive person. You had a cow driving hookers? I didn't know.
What a fucking great gig. You'd think, right? It was actually terrifying.

Why did you go to the house? Personal bitches, they're always late.

It's just a goddamn night.

It's a sad world. I do feel like you're silly enough to think a girl would appreciate the view that you saw at this motel while waiting in the parking lot.

So you'd bring her back thinking it's a date. Oh,

sure. If that's good mental gymnastics to get there, I'm going with my instinct.
I think Dave is trying to push it on you right now. Dave Temple's my answer.
He's a Scuzbucket. He's a black

biker. That was the name of his black biker game, the Scuzz Buckets.

Oh, dude, you guys are the best. And that's my

black group. Fucking Lewis has been doing this a while.
He's good at this. I am.
I agree. Go with Lewis and go with Dave.
Oh, you fools. Oh, everyone's voting for me.

I'm voting for you. I love this.
Be it the a motel or the Acropolis itself,

I will slob thy loins. Lewis, like you said, was a sex addict, is sex addicts.

You never beat the addiction.

I'll always be in recovery.

But you are terrified of bugs. I've seen this before.

No, but Lewis was a street team selling tickets and just a chick off the street that was like, hey, I'm in from Connecticut and I fucking, my parents don't pay tickets.

Then I would find a motel in New York City. And Midtown.
Yep. Yeah.
Where you told me you've gone to the motel. The motel? Yep.
The skyline motel on 10th Avenue. Those ones on 10th Avenue.

You've pointed out to me that you've gone there to fuck before. I've never even heard of a motel.

It's still there.

All right. Is it in like the 20s?

No. It's in the 40s.

Perhaps, maybe, somewhere around there. All right.
Mom and dad are arguing. You want to go make popcorn?

I think that it's definitely over here. It's definitely one of you two I don't know why you broke the eye contact Lewis that was weird

if it's Dave why would it be taking this long fuck

that would be nonsense yeah

this guy doesn't want to go home

but I think I gotta stay just loosen up his grip though he's having a good time

He's invested.

He did it. Are we allowed to ask the audience what they think? Of course, please.
All right. Since you're you're opened up, out of these two, who do you think it is?

Really? Yeah. Yeah.

This one. And I feel like he would have watched the show in loaded position if he could.

Wasting your vote, I'm wasting my vote. You've never done that, Jay.
All right.

Damn.

Fuck. All right.

Wow.

Got all of our answers are in, Alex. If it's you, that was just a point I watched you get.

Wow, everybody. Story number three belongs to Voss again no Rich Voss

you said it you said it the very first fucking thing I said

you you were too quick

you were too quick do you know how much energy it took for Rich Voss to not write me on his board again

you know what I was at I was at the Goose and Gander and I picked up this hot the fuck a goose I was up there

it was a bar on route 22 back in my day. And then I took this girl, we went to the hotel, and right away she blew me, and I shot a load.
I go, ha, I saw a roach. I go, we got to get out of here.

And then I, you know, I was thinking, maybe I can go back into the office and get half the money back because we were only in there for like 10 minutes. But I blew it off and just left.

But the first time. And you hop off on your penny farthing bike? Oh, no, because

after you bust a nut with some girl, you're like, ugh, you know what I mean?

You're too old to say bust a nut anymore.

Just say come, come. Just say came.
After I shoot dust.

After I come. Do I nut it up all in her shit? With anything.
I'm 70.

Like back in the day. Yeah, after I come, get the fuck.
What's wrong with you? Why would you blow me? My Christ.

After I unleash on us, see?

What a fucking score. Wow.
Shake up. Jesus Christ.
Alex, what are the scores? Oh, boy. All right.
After three stories with zero points each, Louis J. Gomez and Big J.
Arsenal.

In third place with two points, Dave Temple.

In second place with three points, Sean Patton.

And in the lead with eight points. Jesus Christ.
Rich Boss.

Maybe Israel was right.

Rich, you are so close to taking home quantum mechanics in everyday life, which reveals how quantum effects power the tools that we use every day.

For example, the colors on a TV screen come from electrons jumping between energy levels inside each pixel, and MRI machines use atomic spin to produce clear images of the human body.

Each invention connects the mysterious world of particles to the practical tools that define daily life.

That guy's gonna jerk off. That was so hot.
Yeah.

Yeah.

I have a question. After I gave her a mouthful of guppies.
See?

Richard, a question?

Yes.

The double point rule.

I say

we put it in. When do I put it into effect now or after the story? It's technically in the second half.

oh tell me when I also I told you that at the beginning I didn't know what happened now I know are we in the first half you know this did you sleep through Lewis's whole speech he gives a speech he didn't say when halftime was absolutely

okay I'll wait till second half okay

Alex story number four

you're rooting this game Rich no I'm not

he's dominating it and making us all look like fucking against a shitty he's like this is a shitty game but I'll beat you all at it really quick

This game is stupid.

It's like the drugs never left his system.

He's pounding us down. He's like, how do you even play this stupid thing? Can I go home? I don't even care.
Give somebody else the book. All right, it was me again, you dumbasses.

We're back on tough crowd.

Voss submitted 11 stories. Yeah.
Serafina, sit down and button your jacket.

Thank you. Thank you.
Stop being such a vixen, you child. God damn it.
That is fucking good. Oh, Chris.
Don't ever be afraid of it. Don't listen to whatever you.

Don't listen to whatever he said.

I could pay for all your debts from school.

Oh, can I use that line?

Hey, want me to get rid of your school pat?

Sorry, Alex. Story number four.

Story number four.

I had to be removed from a hotel in Florida by the police.

The hotel had been evacuated and I was squatting. I got caught because I was getting potato chips from a vending machine and they saw me on security cameras.
I'm just, everything's rich now. Yeah.

I'm just convinced Rich is fucking omnipotent. Yeah.
This, like, it's so hard to not write. Can you imagine

sitting in the box? Like, can you imagine like Quantum Leap with just with Rich instead of the camera? I can't picture you guys doing anything now. Like, everything is just rich.

First of all, Rich, you are a goddamn mana, but I'm telling you,

Lewis is the only one with balls to just stay at a hotel beyond them saying he could be there.

I mean, you would know this story if I was ever taken out of a hotel by the police for squatting. You would 100% know it.

Yeah, but that's

your heritage. That's not her.
That is such a big story. But there's been 11 stories.

There's been 11 stories in the show that have involved major violence

and government officials, and it has been you, and I've been like, what? And you were like, yeah, I told you this. And I'm like, I guess I just don't listen to things you say.

And you know that, I guess. This is what Rich wants to happen.
You guys are bickering again. It's Rich.
No, first half of it.

If Rich is a third story in the first half of the show, I will quit right now. So will I.
I think it's Rip Van Patton.

This

is. Sean's never been removed from a hotel.
You know what, Sean? I gotta be honest. Yeah.

I haven't seen.

you're still drinking, so I assume you haven't hit some crazy rock bottom. I'm drinking too.
You haven't hit some crazy where it's like been a problem in your life, major rock bottom. I've not.

This seems like a story

that if it's going to be, you would say it would be involved somebody who's like, fuck, super fucked up. Like, this is not like a sane mind.
And the only lunatic here is Lewis.

First of all, Voss is a lunatic. Temple is a lunatic.
Voss is going to squat in a fucking hotel in Florida. You're a fucking lunatic.
Sure. I would not squat in a hotel.

I don't think you'd squat in a hotel. I wouldn't

actually squat. Yeah.

Sometimes I book the afternoon flights. They're cheaper.
No, I'm not talking about squatting for staying for a fucking few hours and hoping they don't find out you're in there yet. I'm talking about

this is squatting, which means you were kicking it there for a while. He's playing out.
No, they kick you out.

Like if you're not out by like two, they start getting aggressive. Don't explain.
No, no, no. Here's what happened.
Let me tell you something. Now,

most hotels, they say to you right away, housekeepings if you want it only. So they're not going in to clean the fucking room like that.
They're not in a rush if the place isn't sold out.

So you could probably get about two, three extra days in a hotel room, I'd say. No,

once that paper comes under the door,

we're all overlooking the part about the, it had it been evacuated. And I was squatting.
I want to evacuated, meaning

earlier that day, did you put someone, did the fire alarm get I've ignored none of this. I just try and ask and get it out of you.
I haven't ignored any of these things you're saying, Sean.

In fact, it's those reasons that I believe this is Luis J. Gomez.

Jay, you believe every story is Louis J. Gomez? Every story could be six degrees of Kevin Bacon back to Louis J.
Gomez. I promise you I have the ability to do that.

There's got to be a story about Dave and he was

sticking up for hotel now. You just said I don't get to do the road.
I haven't been to Florida. Yeah, I mean, back in the day when you're never been to Florida?

you wrote when he was in a bike gang when you hold on hold on you've never been to florida i've never been to florida lewis

would you like me to book i i'll open for you in florida when's your next florida two openers on one show

blow

wow wow headshot wow dave

that was some verbal crop my guy right there well done dave do you want to open for me inside splitters in florida if you've never been to Florida, never been to Florida. Let me tell you something.

If this is not you,

you're going to come do side splitters with me in a couple weeks. Okay.
If you can. Okay.

He looks disappointed.

He's like, oh,

dude. No, no.
This story just cost me 300 bucks.

If it's not, if it's not you,

Absolutely,

if this story is, I'm going to not vote for you. I don't think this is you.
But if it is, and you looked looked me in the eyes and deceived me like this,

I will not be able to spend time with you in Florida.

I don't know. I mean, Sean

making fun of me for being old, but

I'm a little bit of a drink. And I think you spilled it out of nervousness.

I know, right?

My gut is telling me this is a Lewis. That sounds like something I would do.
Yeah. This is a young fucking Louisiana boy, dude.

Oh, yeah. This may have been.

This may have been fucking Katrina. Everyone was evacuating.
Oh, shit. That was a young Louisiana boy.
Serafina, cover yourself. Out to show my wild oats.
Did that happen in Florida, though, Katrina?

No, no. Close to Florida.
Oh, it's Florida.

Oh, you're right.

You don't know what happened with Katrina, Lewis? No, I know. Well, he said this could be a good thing.

President Bush and God does not care about black people.

Kanye said that. All right.

I'm going Dave Temple. God damn, Lewis.
They can't all be me. I'm going to be a name.
Why is there a full name. One of them has to be you.
Why do you remember a full name?

Because I want God to be with me.

Can you take my last name off, please? Why? Because every other one was Dave Temple. Because he's got kids with different women.

Is that Dave with an E?

I've never been to Florida, guys. You guys are fucking wasteful.

I'm here. Rich, there's an apostrophe after the D.
Ever been to Florida, this crew? Hey!

First of all,

how can somebody say they've never been to Florida?

You know my friend Dave?

Dave.

It could have been Sean, right?

I'm going Rich. Rich again?

That's a crazy example. I'm glad you put it on Rich because somebody needs to get it on Rich, but I'm putting it on you as well.

That's like this old English way of writing that Rich's stories I've so far made. That is true.
Well, I was at a hotel and I was removed by the police.

I hope this message finds you well. Right.

And the way Sean just barreled through me voting for him lets me know I might have been wrong.

Who'd you say? Dave Temple, whoever that was. Who's that motherfucker? Sean.
That guy probably has kids. Alex, all of our answers are in.
It's Sean. I fucked up.

Story number four belongs to Louis Jay. Fuck up.

Fuck it.

Yeah, yeah, this was, I don't even know if I had started doing comedy yet. This is when I was promoting promoting for the New York Comedy Club, and they had a New York comedy club in Boca Retone.

Oh shit, yeah, and Al Martin. I did that.
Al Martin sent me down to go see if we could do street team promoting on the streets of Boca Vertone.

So it was all old Jewish ladies. People go to die.
It was like old Jewish ladies running away from me and my fucking guy that was with me.

That's where old people moved from other parts of Florida to go finish dying. Yeah.
And then,

yeah, so then there was a hurricane in Florida. So I was staying at some fucking fucking whatever hotel, like a holiday or a holiday inn or whatever.
And then they were like,

we need to evacuate the hotel. And I had nowhere to go.
I was like, there's just no, there's nothing for me to do. Al Martin wasn't answering his phone.
I needed hit. Like, I had no money.

I had no nothing. So I just stayed in my room.
They evacuated the whole hotel. It was like crazy winds.
It was fucking like

pool chairs flying everywhere. It was fucking like really like violent winds.
And then I got hungry and there was no air conditioning on. They shut the power off as well.

There was no TV, no air conditioning. It was just in a room.
And then I went to the vending machine to get food and the vending machine was on. And yeah, I got potato chips and a soda.

And they saw me on security cams. And they came with like fucking eight cops.
And they kicked me out. I couldn't get a cab.
I could only find a stretch limo service that picked me up. Loola launched.

No, I was like 20 years old at the time. I was so broke.

I got a stretch limo service that Al Martin paid for that brought me like an hour north to my buddy Renda's place and I stayed with his family during this hurricane.

You drink sparkling water and watch a television. Yeah, that is the most Puerto Rican story I've ever heard.

Yeah, that is. Not really into Super Puerto Rican-y.
All right, I needed them chips. What are our scores? Halftime.
All right, on the scoreboard, tied for fourth place with two points each.

Big Jay Ogerson and Dave Temple. Yeah.

Wait, would you get one of the

more with my black friends? Yeah.

Tied for second place with three points each. Louis Jay Gomez and Sean Patton.

Good God, I had three points. It was 73 points.
Old man Voss. And in the lead with eight points, Rich Voss.
Oh.

Begrudgingly.

All right, at this point, it's the halfway point of the show. So we go around, we do some quick plugs.
Voss, what are you plugging, my friend? I don't fucking know.

My special on Amazon, Rich Voss Anonymous. On Amazon, Rich Voss Anonymous.
And you can see me monthly on the Gutfeld Show. Big fucking deal.

Okay, congrats on fucking 40 years sober this year. 40 years sober in February.
That's fucking awesome.

That's awesome.

Wow.

Wow.

I say it drunk. I'm like, it's fucking beautiful, man.

Dave Temple. Check out my podcast on the network.
No need for apologies. Follow me on all social media platforms at I'm Dave Temple.
Hell yeah.

And catch Dave Temple at Side Splitters opening for me, featuring for BJ Overson in a couple weeks. Sure, Patton.

Oh,

watch English teacher on FX, streaming on Hulu, Disney Plus, all that jazz.

Fuck, season two's out now. We're excited as fuck.
I love it.

And Baltimore, November 8th through 10, a bunch of other dates. Check out my website, meet SeanPatton.com.

The show's killing it. One of the best.
Thanks for it. The show's doing great.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's Big J.

BigJComedy.com for all my dates. Peter North American Tour coming on a city near you.
If you get it, you get it. Peter North.
Peter North American Tour coming on a city near you.

Thank you. Shake your hand on that one.
Thank you. Peter North.
Come on. Peter North American Tour, dude.
He covers everything.

He shot really huge loads. God, I wish the crossed arms guy was here for that.

Is he dead? You're saying shot like in a past tense. No, no, no.
Well, I don't know if he's still in the game, but up until a few years ago, he still was. But Peter North, I should explain.

Peter North was a porn star from the 80s, 90s who

shot for some reason

copious amounts of semen when he would come.

I mean, they call it, I found out through Adam Carolla, his nickname was the decorator. Funny as shit.

Because he would change the complexion of your face, cover it with load.

It was like he was an X-Men, but like the weakest power. He did pornography well into his 40s and 50s.
Oh, yeah.

Because he still shot those magical, magical loads.

And then because he was a young hero of mine, I decided to name my tour the Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. And then the poster is just America almost completely covered in load.

That's covering, yeah, the thing, yeah.

because

I will be doing most cities in America. I don't like traveling out of the country so much, so you know, if I can't drive there, be it Tijuana, prostitutes, or Canada,

maple syrup, yeah, maple syrup, also prostitutes, it's legal up there, yeah, in Canada, yeah, shut up, yeah, but

prostitution is legally you know who the next story belongs to, noise,

but Canada,

no, no First Amendment.

I'm all over the roads look for a senior near you, of course.

Listen to the Legion of Skanks right here on the Gas Digital Network and in Bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me, the great Robert Kelly, and them they.

My double special is coming out as a double vinyl, which is available on BigJComedy.com. Double vinyl, a bunch of exclusive stuff.

Go to my website and pre-order now

before they sell out.

All right. Come see me on the road, Lewisofskanks.com.
My new special that I just filmed is going to be debuting Sunday, November 2nd at 2 p.m., guys. So check that out on YouTube.
Hell yeah.

It's called Louis J. Gomez, You're Making This Worse.
So go click that and give a comment and all that other shit. And check out Story Wars Live on the road.

November 11th, we're going to be at the Grammarcy Theater here in New York City. The night before Thanksgiving, we have two shows in Philadelphia.
Great shows planned for Philly as well.

So look out for us on the road. Go to my website, Lewisofskanks.com, sign up for a mailing list.
Check out both my other podcasts, Legion of Skanks and the Rags.

And if you love this show, you know, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show, only available for subscribers to the Gas Digital Network.

There's about 60 episodes that aren't available for anyone else in the entire world. So get them at gasdigital.com.
Ad-free, uncensored, pre-release on all the episodes.

Use the promo code WAR, save a couple bucks a month, and support the show that you love. Hell yeah.

Now

we have four more stories to go. Jesus.

And

it does not look like we are doing.

I'm not doing great.

But, and Rich, it seems like you're almost out of reach, but I promise you, you know, from playing this game. Anything can happen.

Anything can absolutely happen because the final four stories, of course, we go double points.

So Rich does this. I don't.

So

it's automatic double points. I don't call double points.

Yeah, no, so now it's the second half of the show. It's double points.

I get this shit now. You got it now.

It's pretty simple.

Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the right person, you got two points.
Sir?

That now jumps to double point.

You get it.

Okay. Everyone gets it.
This is anybody's game, Rich. You are in trouble, dog.
Everybody. I say we jump into it, Alex.

I don't mind that. I know.

Story number five.

Story number five.

I once found a bed bug in my hotel room. The girl I was with made me capture it and sent me downstairs to demand justice.

I stood in the lobby for a few minutes pretending to talk to someone and told the girl they said they'd have someone contact us.

Captured and demand justice.

I'm so connected with this story.

This is something I, yeah, this feels like me, but I know it's not me.

I want to say this is Sean.

I'm not.

That was a weird laugh.

Lewis might actually go demand justice.

Oh, yeah.

I would stand in the lobby. Maybe I would too, but I definitely can see myself going down the lobby and being like,

they said the fucking that we're not paying. They said I'm not paying for this.

Me and Kim Congdon, we were having sex in a red roof inn. And then she felt something like on her back and she

crashed it. And it was a bed bug just eating her as as I was having sex with her.
And then, yeah, we demanded justice because we looked under the mat. There was like three bed bugs.

So we like freaked out. We threw out all of our luggage.
We had a fucking, it was a whole, it was a whole thing. And yeah, we demanded justice from this red ravin, and we never got it.

They never gave you justice. Not even that.
Did you give her justice with that Latina tongue?

You know, I did. With that conilingual

excellence.

I'm trying to think. I feel weird talking about Kim like this.

This is not.

He was bragging on that. I'm writing Sean.

This does feel like me, but

I have my suspicions. One of these stories has to be Dave Temple.
I think it's Dave. I think this is Dave.
Can I tell you why I think it's Dave?

You're dealing with a black woman.

Black women, they're very intense, okay? Dave doesn't like black women.

They're too fertile.

The mother of your children, are they black? Yeah.

Yeah, my baby moms are black. That's why he doesn't like them anymore.
Yeah, my wife is not black. Too fertile.

What is your wife, Latina? She's Puerto Rico. Oh, I know your wife.
So real fertile.

Yeah, but this is like you're dealing with a minority woman and she wants you to go demand justice and you don't want to deal with her shit anymore. Like a white woman.

Get your ass down there and get my motherfucking money back.

Even if it's your mom. I'm not going to sit here all night with these bed bucks coming around.
Even if it's your money.

They're going to get inside my Gucci bag girl a white woman you're just gonna give my money back

Dave Temple

I've changed my mind this is a sassy black woman who ain't taking no shit

yeah my father you better tell them either they ain't gonna respect you or I ain't gonna respect you

yeah my wife wouldn't care she she already has her own bugs

thank you for not putting my last name but Lewis you can't keep voting for me, Lewis. This is crazy.
It's going to be a high level of time. I want to not even erase the paper at this point.

By numbers, it will eventually be you. Oh, it could be fucking Jay because there hasn't been a Jay story yet.
Not yet. That is true.

This is also a very Jay personality. It is, you know.
Is he the Jay or Sean? No, here's the thing, though. Sean wouldn't have a girl.

Oh, my God.

Have you seen the beard? Check the hair. The thing's all working.
I mean,

my DMs are rife with men who think I'm gay because I'm on a show with a gay guy. So

if I ever need my balls drained in Fort Wayne, Indiana by

another bearded man, I've got options. Anybody can have a bunch of chicks want to fuck them.
This guy's got several dudes,

which brings the pussy next.

Thank you. What hangs out with gay guys? Chicks.
So you got to fuck a couple of butts to get to a couple of princesses. Okay.

I can't tell whether Jay's drunk or deflective.

Because there hasn't been a Jay story. Fuck this story.
It hasn't been a Jay story. It's either Jay or fucking Sean.
Fuck. Wait, now I think it's Rich.

He gets too fucking aggro. Now I'm worried it's not Sean.
Shit. Fuck.
Nah, if it was Rich, it would have been a motel. Yeah, thank you.

All right. We've already proved Lewis will squat in a fucking hotel.
It's you two. No, this is fucking Jay because he would go, he would, the girl would say.
Lewis would go complain.

The only thing that says Louis. Louis is going to be

makes the scene.

Yeah, you're fucking knocking on doors and turning up TVs. Jay, you'll fucking eat that shit.
Nah, it's Jay. Jay would walk downstairs and go, oh, fuck.
I ain't gonna say nothing. Yeah, Jay,

very passive. Jay will turn it into a bit.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Alex, all of our answers are in.

Story number five belongs to Dave Temple.

What can I say? You're too crafty. Not a good liar.
I knew it. Not a good lie.

Fuck.

Yeah, I don't remember the hotel that I was staying in, but I definitely, it was like a Saturday, three o'clock in the afternoon. You know, Saturdays, you just want to just fucking lay around.

You know what I mean?

Amongst bugs.

Oh, how many are you going to bring home? Right. And yeah, she was really adamant about this shit.
But I'm like, dude, even if we,

even if they give us whatever, like, another room, the

putting all your shit and moving to another, I just talk about it.

Yeah, like I know hotels are fucked up, so you know, it was a black woman, and yes, you have to get up and act like you fucking did something.

You were doing two different voices behind the door,

like, no, sir, I have to wait for management department.

I will fuck you up if you make my chick uncomfortable with these bed bugs.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry, please don't beat me up.

You're so masculine, struggling.

I'll give you half off this room. Half off, motherfucker.
Completely free.

For 400 years, you've been giving us half off. That's what I thought.

I want the full discount. Yes, yes, sir.

Yeah, I just stood in the lobby and watched soccer or whatever it was for like 28 minutes.

28 minutes, you were like, you had a war down there in 28 minutes.

Oh, my God. The cops came, they left.
They came back.

Alex, after five stories, where are our points at? All right. In last place with four points, Dave Temple.
How did this happen?

How did this happen?

In fourth place with six points, Big Jay Ogerson. There it is.
There it is.

Tied for second place with seven points each. Louis J.
Gomez and Sean Patton. Like it.

We're catching up. We're catching up, buddy.
We're on your ass, right on you, bud.

And in the lead with eight points.

Rich Voss.

Right? Oh, it is. Nipping at the heels, bro.

Anybody's game.

Story number six.

Story number six.

I got sent out of my own hotel room so my friends could have a six-some. Jay.

Yeah.

No. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not Lewis. He doesn't have that many friends.

Sean or date. No.

I'm too monogamous. I mean, this is a

Jay-like story. Is it? Yeah.

You're a loser. Jesus.
Jesus Christ.

Wow.

I was implying more like you finished the threesome and then three more people showed up and you're like, I got cigarettes. Is that what you got from this, just this one sentence?

He got so much pussy that he had to leave because he was full of pussy. I respect the man.
Perhaps that's what it was. He looked like out of the meat thing you're saying.

That's also an interesting spin to hear yourself called the loser and you're like, hey, this guy gets a lot of pussy.

I'm saying, knowing Jay, he already had a threesome. He was tired.
He had camel lights to go puff on.

Three more Skank Fest fans showed up. No.

Yeah. Three more and you were like, I got to get a car of Skank.
Wait, but this is a sixum, so there was three girls and three guys. That does not mean that at all.

It doesn't necessarily mean that at all. Thank you.
I think four guys.

That could have been five.

That could have been

five other dudes. Rich, how was with you? I'm like, three guys, three girls, but I guess it could not be that.
I guess sixum does imply,

sixum does, just to the naked eye implies three guys, three girls. Yes.
I wouldn't call five guys running a train on one girl a six sum. I call it a gangbang.

Yeah, it's a gangbang or running a train. Four guys, two girls would be an orgy.
Yes. An orgy, yes.

That's an orgy, Jay.

Yeah. Panturkey.

I mean,

we're all about equality here.

A six-sum genuinely implies three and three. Yeah, five guys and one girl on three.
Four on Microsoft. Four and two, that's a Chinese finger trap.

Now, is this black bike gang activity? Oh, this could be.

Oh, you guys were on the road. You go ahead and the Sturgis.

Oh,

everyone was like,

This is my property. This is my property.
This is literally how. Kawai Saki Kwanza.
Hey, you guys want to plow my old lady?

This is why you would join a black bike gang right here. This is the moment for six them.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Yeah. To not be in a sixum?

Fuck,

this is the trickiest one so far, to be honest. Yeah.

Wait, can we do a

shit? Everyone right now at the top of your lungs on three, yell who you think it is. Three, two, one.
Jay. Jay.
See, I'm thinking it's JT. I didn't answer, and that hurt my feelings so much.

Indisputably. Everybody say, you think I got sent away from a sixum? There wasn't even like seven people in a room all wanting to fuck, and you think I'm the asshole that got sent away.

Wow. That hurts my feelings so much.
Jay,

I am.

I am with you, and I've never seen anyone want to get the stink of losing them off of them harder than that right there. That was Sean.
Fuck that. I'm stupid.

I don't know. That was Sean.
I don't know. They want all

Sean was like, How many of you guys think Jay's a fucking loser? Huh?

Yeah, that would never happen to me.

That is crazy. Jay, glasses off.
officer Whoever this is.

wow that is not i mean oh look he's snuttering

i would be referee in the sixth of everyone knows that like we've all heard we've already heard a story of him being left out of sex

and being upset about it it's i mean again

oh yeah you call the cops

the only reason i'm thinking it couldn't be jay is because i feel like i would have heard the story that he got kicked out of a fucking sixum

We didn't hear about your Florida story, and that was insane. That's weird that we never heard about it.
It was a squat in a hotel. Maybe there was five other people squatting in that hotel,

and you all were sharing one bag of chips.

This is a reward for such.

This is Temple or Big J.

I don't think it's Big J. I don't think it's Temple because

it's

Sean. Yeah, we don't know.
The bug story fits with Temple. Well, Sean said earlier that he was

pretty monogamous. I did.
I did. So I would leave.
You're right. Yeah, that's what I mean.

He would be the guy that you'd be like, go home, Sean. This ain't for you.

You don't want no parts of this shit. This is boy, right?

If you stay, you're not the same person when you leave. I'll go with Sean.
Do you still want to be Sean?

Go home, man. I'm trying to help you.
No, this is what I do when I don't know.

Rich. When in doubt, Rich Voss.
When in doubt? When in doubt. Rich Voss sometimes in the late 80s.
Maybe Rich was too high. I sent him home.

This is when he met Bonnie. Everybody else.

Everyone's answers are in, Alex. Take stories down.

Story number six belongs to Big Joopers.

Fuck yeah. Fuck the

ball.

Trust the audience. Double point.
Trust the audience.

Very good. Very good.

Trust the audience.

I asked for your confidence and I defied it. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, everyone.

Jay, what happened here? Yeah, I didn't know you were a loser. Is it as bad as it sounds?

I told this in a bonfire today because when I wrote it, it reminded me of it so much. It was me.

I was headlining. Do you remember the rascals Cherry Hill we used to always go? Of course, yeah.
In South Jersey? It was in a Crown Plaza, and they'd put you up at the hotel.

We would go at one point, it was that one weekend we went, it was me, my friend Travis, Josh Wade, and Joe DeRosa is the one everybody will know here.

Oh, God. We went to a mall in the afternoon, Cherry Hill Mall, and like

that flyer. Yeah, I guess we flyered almost.
Basically, told people to come to the show. I was headlining a show that would have no people at it.
Yeah, I remember those days.

At this club, so I'm like, let's go to the mall. They try to talk to chicks, and we'll get people to come to the show.

Josh Wade was a good-looking dude who was able to get, he ended up at some point talking to these chicks who came to the show. Three girls.

A very attractive one that he

was locked in with already. Another one that was like kind of, and I forget what her friends looked like, but one of them was chubby.

And that one I locked into because I was like, let's just get that guarantee. You know what I mean?

I'm happy to lock it in. I'm headlining the fucking thing.
These are my guys I brought to hang out. And I had a room for myself and a room for three guys, two beds to stay in in the other room.

This is early headlining for me. And

after the show, the girls came back to the room. What did the third girl look like, though?

There was a very attractive one, one that I can't remember. I think she was pretty cute.
And then the one that I locked on to was this chubbier one. Who books that room?

It was Jason Pollock. But they, so

we're all in the room. It's four guys, three girls.
And this keeps getting acknowledged. There's like kind of like this loose thing.

And there's obviously the chubby girl is the one who's got a decision to make. But I thought the decision was made in my head.
I was like, well, look, we can't all hang out in here.

The ratio is way off. We got to lose somebody.
I'm almost leading the charge of like, let's get this solved, huh?

And then,

yeah.

And then I say to the girl, I go, well, who do you want to hang out with? You know what I mean? Who you want to hang out with? And she was like, oh, I don't want to say that. It'll make me feel bad.

Stuff like that. And I'm like,

she's protecting poor Joe DeRose's feelings.

I'm like, fucking, what a sweet girl. I go, look, it's cool.
We're all adults. We could take it.
She's like, no, no, no. So then I go, all right, how about this? Write it down on a piece of paper.

Hand it to me and then I'll see. And then

whoever you write, I go, write the name of the person you want to stay, and the other person will go. We're all cool.
no big deal

okay she writes down a thing and folds the piece of paper up I couldn't wait to grab it fastest

I go let me read it I open it up it says Joe I go

this is who you want to stay right yeah

that's a weird that's a weird way to spell Jay

I couldn't believe she said Joe

not that it's not even a comparison me and Joe I just thought me and her were having a thing so the Joe thing came out of nowhere like almost like she found out that moment she goes oh that guy's an option instead of this guy.

And

dude, when I read the Joe, I remember looking at the picture. He had to wear her oversized t-shirt at the end of the night.

Dude,

he cooked her breakfast and her fucking panties and her

football jersey. Did they let you eat breakfast with them when you sat at another table by yourself? I had the other room that had two beds.
This was a king bedroom.

Just because of the moment, it was so awkward in that moment. Technically, I should have been like, well, hey, this is my room.
So go over to the room with two beds and blah, blah, blah.

But in panic awkwardness, when I saw what you're going to go, this is you want to stay right,

yeah, it's like totally cool. And I just like left the room and had to go sleep in this other room.
This is before laptops and fucking all this.

It was like, I had to watch a coach on fucking USA Network while everybody else got laid and I was sitting in a fucking weird room by the way. And DeRosa was in there? DeRosa.

I mean, DeRosa is, DeRosa is a true beacon of equality.

He proves that women are just as fucking damaged as men by how much ass he gets.

It's insane. Yeah, yeah.

If you hang out later than everybody else, a girl will fuck you.

How mad. Joe DeRosa Parks, Betty.
I mean, how mad does a girl have to be at her pussy to fuck DeRosa? Think about that. Think about that.
I wouldn't see.

I can't believe you didn't open it up and go, you know what? You guys stay. I'm just going to leave.
And not fucking race. Expose who it was?

Yeah, you should have just said, you know, I was thrown for, I was like, this girl, they i wasn't like she's probably gonna choose me i'm like me and this girl it's like we've been sitting we've been doing a lot of this like already all night joe's just been floating around and you probably and then at one point it was like well so who you want probably joe to go but you don't want to be mean to him i go i understand sweetheart just write down joe's name and i'll send him away and it was like no you get out you fat fuck it's the height

joe's tall women like tall yeah six foot fucking three and you probably should jay's two inches taller than daroz

i'm trying to make sense of it for 20 years now okay

Can't do it. I'm trying to make sense of this since I've known the girl.
DeRoza is the person I made the most jokes about in the world where I've been like, hey, raise your hand if you fuck DeRosa.

And in a room of comedians, four girl comics will go.

Jesus, do you know, do you know the Edinburgh story about Joe? How he kept finding dead bees in his room in Edinburgh, Fringe Fest in Scotland.

And then he would, and Ari told me this, he would find out afterwards that it was the two British comics they were staying with who just kept putting dead bees.

They had like found a hive and like frozen it, like you're supposed to do humanely, and then just would sprinkle dead bees in his room and he would find them

freak out. Just freak out.
Of course, that's good. That's good.
That's a good DeRosa one.

But who stayed here before me, Candyman?

But we love ourselves some Joey D's. I love it.

Six stories down, Alex. Where are our points at? All right, in last place with four points.
Dave Temple.

Y'all can do better than that. Come on, it's not easy to be last.
That's points

in fourth place with seven points. Sean Patton.
Oh, fuck. I fell to fourth.

How did you beat me?

In third place with 10 points, Big Jay Oakerson.

In second place, with 11 points, Louis J. Gomez.

Hacky. Lewis is winning.
Hacky. And in the lead with 12 points, Rich Voss.

Ethism.

RichVoss.com. Set up.
Rich Voss. Proof if you live long enough, things start looking up.

Eventually it will turn around. The pendulum will always swing, Dave.
You're correct. Well, at least you got a middle gig out of this one, Dave.

All right, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Chubbies for supporting the show. Cold weather is about to drop, so now you've got to switch out your Chubby shorts for something warmer.

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And if you are going to get Chubby stuff as a gift, they have a new NFL collection with stretch polos and swim trunks for all 32 NFL teams.

That's a perfect gift. That is a great gift because it's comfortable and it also has your favorite team on it.
I know what Jay is getting. I know what Jay is getting.
This old load of Susan. Yeah.

I'm going to have Eagles across my nuts. Oh, shit.
I got you a Giants jersey. Shit.
No.

Our listeners. Over here at Story Wars are going to get 20% off your purchase of Chubbies with promo code WarsWithaZ at checkout.
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That's C-H-U-B-B-I-E-S Shorts.com and use that promo code WarsWithth, W-A-R-Z for 20% off. Okay, story warriors, let's take a moment and thank Mint Mobile for being a supporter of the show.

You're probably overpaying for your cell phone service. Let's get real.
Mint Mobile is running their best deal of the year right now. All unlimited plans are 50% off.

So you can get three, six, or 12 months of unlimited premium wireless for just $15 a month. This is it.
I'll tell you right now, my aunt, I got her a Mint Mobile phone. She loves it now.

My niece is about to get her first phone now. Obviously, it's going to be Mint Mobile.
This is affordable. I was spending $130 a line for me and my son.
He's switching to Mint Mobile. This is it.

Why would you, you're already, they literally come in the nation's largest 5G network, unlimited talk and text. You don't need to spend a wild amount of money to have a great cell phone service plan.

And I don't know if this is true for sure. In fact, it might be false, but I heard that every Mint Mobile customer, at least once a year, will get a random call from Ryan Reynolds.

We don't know if it's true. That's not guaranteed.
There's still a small chance that that should be. There's a small chance.
And as Lewis likes to say,

as Lewis likes to say, there's a path. There is a path.
Right now, shop mint unlimited plans at mintmobile.com slash wars w-a-r-z. That's mintmobile.com slash wars w-a-r-z.

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What's up, Story Warriors?

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I'm back on it, big. That's it.
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All right, where were we?

Alex, story number seven.

Oh, they're catching me. Story number seven.

I got drunk with a female friend after a show. She fell asleep while I was going down on her.

And I couldn't tell you how long I continued for before realizing. Definitely.
Clearly, not Lewis. Yeah, not Lewis.

Not she would have to be. She would not fall asleep if I was down there.
What? Not Dave. Also, this is literally rape.
Yeah.

Is it, though? And it's Dave. He's a ghost not.

That was pretty telling.

Well, how's that rape, dude? I think it's pretty cool.

I'm giving her pleasure. Black guys don't eat pussy unless that shit's fried.

It does say she fell asleep while

not like.

Who looks like they give the worst

fucking oral sex here?

Why are you staring directly at me? Because your big old beard where it looks nice, I feel like it would be very distracting during oral sex. I'm a motherfucking scorpion.
Disagree, boy. All right.

Disagree. I bet you fucking punchbox.
Oh, my God. Yeah, dude.
Anyone with a beard can't eat pussy. Yeah, okay.

Okay, mustache.

I just love it. It's a little fucking.

That's for tickling the top.

When I'm 69 with a dude, I just tickle his balls.

Do we need to have a competition, you and I? Do we need to ask? A pussy eating competition? We need to go. Do we need to suck off? Hey, boys, together, pussies.

No, no, no, for science.

Don't be sluts.

I think it's rich because why else would you marry a comedian?

No. Yeah, but Rich hasn't gotten drunk since he was like 13 or so.

No, he got drunk when it was

20s.

I was fucked up.

He's been sober for 40 years. So he was.
I stopped. You were 45 when you got sober.

Another old joke, you fucking.

My fucking tenant is talking to me that way. Go fuck yourself.
I'm raising a rent. Here's the thing.

It's not Lewis.

Bosses have drunk stories, I don't think. What's that? I don't think you have a lot of drunk stories.
No, that's fucking gay. I smoke crack like a man.
That's what I mean.

Fucking drinking and smoking pot. Fucking gay.
Suck a dick. This could be Lewis.
Sean, you seem sensitive enough to have a lot of female friends. Yeah, but you'd know.
You wouldn't.

You'd know immediately if she fell asleep. Yeah, but Sean seems like an eater.
What does that mean when somebody scratches their nose while they're talking to you? They're nervous.

It means I'm trying to bait the person whose story it really is to commenting.

Damn.

No, I don't. I mean.

It's not.

I do have a lot of female friends. I just don't go down on any of them.

Wait, why do you have to do that? Ever. Why do you think it's not me? Sean, you do have the energy of a friend who asks to go down on his female friend.
Female friend?

Yeah. Fucked.
And your voice just went up with you.

That was a crazy octave job. That was a female friend, too.

Like a female friend. Somebody's.

After somebody's jumping up in points on this one. Yeah, don't that.
I'm putting the voting in. Sean Patton, I'm starting it off.

I'll accept your apology afterwards. That's crazy quick.

That was crazy quick. That wasn't that quick.

We've debated. The show's been going on for three days.
I know, but the first story went on for 45 minutes. It's not Lewis, because once she fell asleep, that's when he would have robbed her.

Oh, you're absolutely right. You're not going to eat her pussy, dude.
Well, maybe while you're going through her pockets.

I don't know. I felt like that's when Lewis would get his practice in.
No.

I feel like a friend after a show. Yeah, this doesn't sound like a blast.
You got drunk with a female friend.

I'm going to go with Sean.

Again, I'll accept your apologies on the podcast, preferably while we're still recording. Okay.
Please, sir. This is just some

low-brow shit. I thought we were friends.
It also could be. The ramblings of a desperate man trying to maintain his points.

Eats pussy as boring as they come. God damn.
A real snoozer of a box punch.

I just didn't know you guys thought so low.

Really? Put you to sleep down there.

It could be Jay, because you commit to things you do. That's what what I like about you.
You're a committer. Quitter by nature, I'd say, but I'll take it.

Spread the word, dude. I eat pussy till it's done.
Yes.

Till there's none left in the dish. I don't leave crumbs.

Not fat girl pussy. No, no, no.
DeRosa does that. That's DeRosa's World.
Yeah.

DeRosa's World. Wait, what's wrong with Fat Girl Pussy? Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.
Especially when DeRosa steals her from you in the middle of the night after you bought her lunch

at the mall i paid for the pizzas

she had so much of it and that's

and that's the day you turn red pill

on her t-shirt and spent your gift i'm going i'm going i'm i'm just i'm just firing back

i have no proof i'm just firing back oh wait wait just just off of the

really you feel like this is an attack it's not a bad it's not a bad rationale by the way sometimes the person who throws a quick jab is just

he came at me too you know what lewis's body language is different usually Usually, when it's voting time, he's up front, two hands on the mic. Dave, you're very convincing.

Please don't make me think it's Lewis. When the one time I don't vote for him, I'm just saying you've seen every time he's always, but I always vote for him.

Today, he's a little bit chill. Today he's a little chill.
Yeah, I mean, look,

are you fucking? Are you Dave? Do you think that a girl's falling asleep while I'm eating her pussy? No, I when you're on suicide. No, when you're on stage, that's when they sleep.

I heard you eat that whack-ass pussy.

You've heard nothing but good things about my pussy eating skills. I heard you eat wack ass.

Boss, you guys got to vote.

I'm voting now, but goddamn, it always comes down to Lewis and Rich. You guys are so similar.
Yeah. Just

junkies. You're doing a lot of fucking talking.
Yeah.

Is that Dave with an E?

A lot of hats. Oh, is that what we're doing? We're doing the Spider-Man thing.
We're both pointing at each other. Rich writes E-A-V-E.

I'm fucked. I'm going to go, ah, fuck.
It sounds like Sean, but Lewis's body language. Dave's acting a lot.
Just write the patriots.

Fuck. Dave is acting a lot right.
Dave's acting.

Jay is too silent.

Jay is too silent. Yeah, I thought I was hilarious throughout this.
But you're all right.

I had a good one. I want the points.
I'm going Sean, and it's not going to think low of you, Sean. It's just

going with the popular vote. All of our answers are in, Alex.
What have you got? All right, everybody. Story number seven belongs to Big J.
40%.

Wow.

Wow.

Very man. Rich got me right in the end there.
That's a big round. That was a big round, but Rich stopped me from getting fucking, and he's in the lead.

That's why they kicked you out of that sixth thumb because you suck at eating pussy.

They heard the tales. I'm really good at eating pussy.
I'm fat, idiot.

No, yeah, it was a friend of mine. Wow.
It was funny. It was my first girlfriend ever when we were younger.
And then she came, we were hanging out a bunch.

She came to one of my shows at that same Crown Plaza, that same Rascals Comedy Club. And

we were hammering. We went back to my room.
We were making out. And then

we started fucking up. And I went down on her.
And then while I was going down on her, it was going great. And then

knock on the door. It's Sean Patton.
No.

Kick out.

It was my two friends I had working with me that weekend.

And she was like,

like under, I put her, you know, under a blanket before I opened the door. I'm like, I'm like, what? Because we were all sharing a room.
So I go like, what?

And they were like, hey, we're going to go to a dinner. You want to go to a diner? I go, nah, dude, I'm hooking up.
And they went, oh, and they went, she's asleep.

I'm like this.

I went, no, dude, she's acting like she's asleep and she's embarrassed because you guys are here.

And they go, okay, dude, but I think she's asleep. And I went, you're crazy, get out of here.
And then they left. And then I walked over to her and I went, she's asleep.

And then, so I just like, I covered her more and I just started laying there. And then what was funny, I was like, I mean, 30 seconds after that, DeRosa comes back.
It was DeRosa and another comedian.

Because I can wake that girl up. No.

No, and honestly, they came back, they barreled back in the room and they go, dude, I don't think you should do that. That girl's asleep.
And I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, she's asleep asleep for sure. What the?

Nothing.

But that was actually a good thing to be able to tell somebody because that girl called me the next day. And we've been friends since we were kids and still.

But she goes, she goes, hey, did we hook up? It's one of those things you had to ask, like, hey, did we hook up last night? She goes, I was super hammered. It's fine if we did.
I just want to know.

But I'm like, don't worry. I was like, no, no, we didn't.
But like, watch your ass.

Because we could have.

Like, I don't know what happened, but my pussy smells like mouth.

Yeah, that, that, that happened for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, Alex, seven stories down. I, there was a big point shake-up just now.
Where are our points at?

All right, in last place with four points, Dave Temple. Damn, that's a part of you.
That's a part of it.

This is the one you come back. In fourth place with seven points, Sean Patton.

In third place with 11 points, Louis J. Gomez.

And tide for the lead

with 16 points each.

Big Jay Okerson and Rich Falls.

Fuck Palestine.

Fuck Palestine. Again.

Fuck, right?

Double points. Yeah.

Fritz is just a CNI old man.

You gave him a button that he could press.

Oh, shit.

We have one more story, guys. You ready for your final story? Come on, folks.

Alex, story number eight.

Story number eight.

I let a fellow comedian stay in my room at a festival he wasn't officially booked on. He brought a girl back to the room, and thinking that I was asleep, they started canodling.

I put an end to it.

Jesus. Jesus.
This actually feels like Sean to me. I don't know why.

This is just Sean. No, no.
This is. It wasn't

the quote-unquote comedian. Yeah, like

that's Voss. No?

Yeah. I mean, Voss is the least fun person on the panel.
No, that isn't funny. What are you talking about? I have great lines tonight.
Not funny. You have.
Amazing. The least fun.

Oh, what am I supposed to do? Backflips? The fuck yourself?

Fun, what is this?

You're trying to win, you fuck. Yeah, I'm saying, like, I would have let him fuck.
First of all, canoodling is a hilarious old-person word.

Thank you. It is.
Canoodling is a great word, but it's a great word. It's not really dated.
It's not me, believe me.

Because I've been to a lot of festivals, all right?

But

what's the story?

Ah, shit.

Comedian in quotes for something about that says Voss, for sure. Yeah, yeah, right.
Yeah, like it's like changed my room manifesto. He wasn't officially booked on.

I mean, that's like something like an old fucking pro would do. Like, Voss or Big J would let somebody say that.

I absolutely have Kurt Messiger's girlfriend when I first met him. I let her stay in my hotel room at just for last festival before, but she's a girl, for one.

If she would have brought a girl back to the room thinking I was asleep and they were canoodling, I would have been also jerking off of you. You would have been canoodling your balls.

Yeah, I would have been canoodling all over myself.

I would have been covered in canoodling. Why DeRosa was fucking him?

Here's the thing.

Me, you, and Sean have been around long enough to go to more festivals than Lewis and Dave.

I've been around for a pretty long time. Lewis has been around for a long time.
He just hasn't done a lot of festivals. I've done all the festivals.

I've seen Lewis at quite a few. Yeah, yeah, I've done everything.
He's trying to make you feel good. Yeah.

This is weird, though. Y'all niggas don't have no stories about y'all killing pussy in the hotel.

Like, no one's successfully hooked up and fucking.

I get so much fun. I can't do it.

But this is not me. I'll tell you that.
This is.

Oh, that was a big flare-up.

That was some peacocking right there. Yeah, there's a story about killing a pussy.

See,

I made a woman orgasm so hard, she stopped believing in God, started believing in me.

That was one of my stories. I do call myself the God on my podcast.

Actually, you know what's so funny is while this is not me, the flip side of this story is I let Kara Messiger's ex-girlfriend stay in my room, and she brought back a young,

not famous yet Reggie Watts, skinny, by the way, back to my room and tried to fuck him while I was there playing video games. I'm like, what are you doing, you weirdo?

Is he, you call him, you think he's famous?

Sure, yeah. Reggie Watts.
I mean, he was like, he's the, he was the band for the Stephen Colbert show, was it? Right? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that guy. Oh, I think it was somebody else.

I put an end to it. You know what? Yeah, that part's, that part's ominous.
It's pretty bossy also.

It's a little bossy, but it's also, it could be a little Big Jay-y. Yeah.
Because he was scorned from that six-sum dude. He was scoring.
It wasn't three in a row, was it? The last one was yours?

The last two were mine. Yeah, but the last two stories in a row were J's.
It shocked you, but. Hold on.
Is that true? Yes.

The last two stories in a row were Jays. Stories number six and seven were both Big J's.
Oh, wow. Okay, this would be really...

Fuck. But Big J does travel.
It does happen.

And I do think some people are just comedians. Yeah.

And I would get super bitchy if somebody. Can the audience see that? Do y'all know? It's comedians in quotes.
Yeah, and that's the thing. That's the thing it takes.

If I let a fellow comedians stay in my room, Big J travels with a young Dylan Negri who would bring a chick back to the room and hook up. And we also do refer to him as a comedian.
He's a comedian.

You know, I think it's Dave because in a bazillion years, I have young Dylan Negri come with me. He doesn't stay in my hotel room with me.

Yeah, see, Lewis is the kind of guy. I'm like a young boy in MC.
Lewis would go, fuck this if I'm not not getting on. Get the fuck out.
Correct. That's what, see, he's old school.
Get the fuck out.

It's rich. Oh.

Yeah.

Canoodling. Canoeing.

I put an end to it. That just feels very bossy.
Oh, you're thinking it's me, possibly still. Because you've never had somebody at three in a row in the second half of the game.
That'd be insane.

Think about this. Think about my personality.
Yeah. Would I, if I have to tell the story, would I do comedian and

I'd bump somebody out of it.

You might not do comedian. Who's open for me that I would want to fucking hurt feelings like that? This could be very young, early just for laugh stays.
You know what I mean?

There's names I would name of people I hated back then. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, you're right. Go ahead, put me.

The only reason I'm not putting you right now is because story six and seven were yours. So what, dude?

We said this could happen. Yeah, this could happen.
Yeah, this could be a fucking. I don't think that Sean.
The whole show. Boyne's a nice guy.
I don't think Sean would put comedian in quotes.

I'm sure you would because

I don't think that he would kick somebody out for canoodling. Wait, they checked the spelling on these and the quotes and all this show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Rich.

They fixed canoodling for you.

Yeah.

That O you thought was in Lewis. Turns out was in canoodling.
And I feel like

they changed the way I spelled it. I spelled it with a K.
Okay.

Okay, K, K.

But I feel like canoodling is a Yiddish word, so it comes down to you two Jews on the panel. Nice.

I don't know if it's Yiddish, but it definitely feels, it definitely feels like deli, like old. They've both had two stories in already, and they both had two stories in a row.
Doesn't matter.

Completely random. Oh, it's Lewis.

Lewis is trying to figure. You know what? Rich, there's no O in any fucking name.
I think it's Rich.

I like that, yeah. I think it's Rich.

You should go L-E-W-I-S, like Richard Lewis.

Ah, shit. I just don't think that this is Dave or Sean.
Yeah, it's not me for sure. What if this is Dave dominating? Who'd you vote for? I'd like to be that mean.
You know what?

The last time I played this game,

I was dead last, and the last story was me that broke a tiebreaker. So that could happen again tonight.

Oh, it's a long drive back to Philly, huh?

He lives up here, dude. Get to know your black comics.
I'm done with that. I'm out of that scene years ago.
Yeah. Once you've seen it.

Jeff Damn didn't treat him well.

Did you say Jeff Damn? Yeah.

My vote is for Big Jay Eggerson. Three in a row in the second half.
It would be a crazy, crazy fucking weapon. It's Lewis.
It's Lewis. It's Lewis.

Dave? I think it's Rich. It's not.

It doesn't even matter. You've lost no matter what, unless this is your story.
This is the same position I was in the last time. It's not Lewis.

It's not Lewis. And it was between you two, you fuckers.
Who's tied with Jay? Who's tied with Rich? Fuck. Rich and Jay are tied right now.

Rich and Jay are tied right now. Yeah, so Jay needs points and people not guessing him.
Fuck you. No, it's fucking Jay.

It's fucking Jay. It ain't Jay.
They're not joining me. It's fucking Jay.
Jay has arrived at that level of Jew.

No.

Wow.

I'd love to. He's getting there.
All of our answers are in, Alex. Our final story.
Who does it belong to? Holy shit, everyone. Story number eight

belongs to

Sean Pat.

Oh, you want that smile was so adorably genuine.

All right, South by Southwest.

That was the festival.

Who was the comedian? I'm not going to say because I guitar acts. I fucking despise them.
No, they're not. I don't even think they're in.
This was 2022. I already think they're kind of done.

Brooks Wheeling. No, no, no.
I'm just guessing names.

Christalia and a 14-year-old. That's fucking a loser.
No, yeah, exactly. I was like, I got to stop.
No.

The Bible says she's got to swear her agent.

That's weird, I know. But

no, it was South by Southwest. They got a problem with Book.
They had a problem. I don't think they're doing comedy anymore, but this guy was just kind of fucked.

And I begout me at the right time, big heart. I let him stay in my room.
And he was just a fucking annoying piece of shit every single night. I had to get him in every party.

He kept trying to, this was back before Rogan landed, really.

I mean, well, the club was there, but like, it was before Kill Tony was a thing. And they were still doing that.
What a big ask.

He would stay with you. He would stay with me.
And then he was trying to get into every single event. And I'm like, no, stop.
And then just one night, I'm trying to sleep.

If you've ever been to like a South by Southwest, it was my fourth night there. And I'm like, I'm fucking dying right now.
I've been up.

I smoked a cigarette. I hadn't done that in years.
And I was fucking with my conscience.

I'd been drinking all day doing shows. My voice was raspy.
Free Taco Bell.

And it was, yeah, and it was like three in the morning and I'm just there and he comes in and I can tell he's with someone and they're trying to be quiet and I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

This is violating so many like friendship laws right now. Yeah.
And they just start you hear like the

no, but I mean not are they trying to weirdly hide it from you a little bit?

Yeah, then they're trying to hide it and he does the thing that I knew say he turns the TV up a little bit louder, which in my head, I'm like, What if that wakes me up, you fucking idiot?

But I'm already awake. Now, luckily, I at that exact moment before they came in, I had been in and out of sleep and had to shit.
And I was before they walked in, was doing that debate with myself.

I'm like, Do I just go shit now

or just try and sleep first? And they were in. I'm like, Oh, this is amazing.
So I just. So you hate other people coming.

Absolutely. When it, when it, absolutely, when it's on my time and it's not me, yes.
Yeah.

Um, really

Scrooge McDuck over here.

But I straight up jumped up, went to the bathroom,

shit with the door open. What the fuck? Because I was just angry.
I was just fucking angry at this point. What if that turned her on? Shit with the door open.

They didn't see anything, but they could hear me and I made a big production out of it. Like,

all that.

Damn it. You know, finished, and then at this point, I was like, I don't even care anymore.
And just walked out fully nude. Just no underwear, no shirt, and hopped back in the bed naked.

Didn't even wipe.

I definitely wiped. I definitely wiped.
But

I can just vividly remember walking back in naked, and they're both like laying prone, trying to pretend like they're asleep, but both of their eyes are just wide open, staring at me as I walk by.

And I hop in the bed, and I just go, oh, sorry, I didn't realize you guys were there. Anyway.
And just, and I said it half sarcastically, and they, of course, took the fucking hint, got up, and left.

Wow. And he didn't.
Great story. He didn't stay.
Yeah, that's a good story that was an asshole

i think it violates code before

we throw out these scores there could have been a shake-up here and i will let you know that whoever wins this takes home quantum mechanics in everyday life

a book that highlights how quantum science continues to shape the future superconductors could one day make energy loss a thing of the past and quantum computers may soon process information at unimaginable speeds Quantum mechanics in everyday life proves the understanding the unseen can change the way we see everything.

Alex, let us know who steals this book.

All right. In last place with four points.
Shut up. There's no need to say it.

Shut the fuck up. Move on.
Dave Temple.

Yeah.

in fourth place with 11 points Luis Jay Gomez

In third place with 15 points Sean Patton

I literally thought I won I did too

I thought you won

and holding on to the tie with 16 points each big Jay Ogerson and Rich Vaughn tiebreaker

Tiebreaker!

Tiebreaker! Wow. So the way it works when we have a tie at the end of Story Wars, we go one more story, one more round.
Now here's the deal. It's not going to be Big J or Voss's story.

They're the only two playing, so it's going to be mine, Dave Temple, or Sean Patton's story. What you have to do right now, Rich, is you have 16 points.
You have to wager...

Any amount between zero and 16 points on your final answer. Don't say that.
Put it on your board and hide it from everyone. And you're going to put your board face down after you wager your points.

This is so fucking cool.

Hell yeah.

So, wager zero to 16 points, Big Jay. He has his wager.

If you want to put it down face down, Jay, maybe.

Okay.

All right. Our wagers are in, Alex.
Our final story, story number

nine.

Story number nine.

A comedian advised me when hooking up on the road: never let the girl stay the night. Make sure she's laughing when I walk her to the lobby and ask the time at the front desk before heading back up.

He said this would keep me out of trouble. Yeah, Dave Temple.

This is a black guy terrified. Yes?

I will say, the last time that I was on the show, I was in the same fucking predicament. And this happened again.
Yeah, it's my story at the end, and it does nothing for me. Yeah, yeah.

Dave, you don't have to tell everyone it's your story.

Here's the thing.

That's the story.

That's my story. I told somebody that.
Now,

I'm not close. I could have told Dave that when I drove him home that night.
All right. Me and Sean aren't like that.
We don't talk like that.

You guys don't share pussy stories? No, no, no. That should change, Rich.
Yeah.

You should, dude. I call Sean once a month just to exchange fucking, just getting gash.
You should get in on the group chat. I don't know if ever.
Just two guys talking about fucking slice, dude.

I could have told Lewis that story, too, though.

Yeah, that's a story because I remember walking downstairs with a girl all the time. I used to go to the guy behind the counter, what time you got? So we knew it was two o'clock.

I'd say something funny. He'd laugh, she'd laugh.
So now I had my alibi. Who the fuck did I tell that to? Definitely not Sean.
It's between fucking Lewis and Dave.

I told Dave that in the car, probably driving him home that night. I don't have to tell Lewis sex stories because he knows them all.
I told them to you.

I was like, Rich, this is how you get out of rape.

No.

I haven't. Don't worry.

Jesus Christ.

But if I vote for Dave, then it keeps going.

Oh, because you have to vote for you with your points. Oh, who did I tell that? I got to go Dave because we just got to see who points.
Right. Absolutely.
But what if we're both wrong?

Oh, then we look at points.

It's between. I told it between.
It is like TV. Confusing to old people.

How do you work this Fakafda game?

Oh, wait, but if we're wrong, We lose all those points. You lose all your points.
Exactly, Rich. That's how money works.

Okay.

Whoever it was, blink once, yes, twice no.

Oh, fuck Lewis. He's looking at me like something.
Fuck

him.

I told Dave that story driving you back to fucking Jersey City. I might have.

Yeah, I didn't tell her. I'm going to go with Dave.

Nice. Very nice.
They both went with Dave. Alex, who did the final story belong to? Story number nine belongs to

Dave Temple. Yes, of course.

Okay.

Now, Rich,

you could have just skipped all of that pontificating and listened when Dave said it was my story.

Oh, at the top of the story. Let's say it happened again.
My story. Yeah.
It does not happen. Dave told me that story.
Yes, Rich did tell me that story. It was Rich.

which was wild advice. And it wasn't like recently.
I was like a young comic that just

happened to meet Rich in front of the cellar.

That's bad advice, Rich. Yeah, he's just fucking chewing his knicker-retrieved gum.
And he goes, all right, here's a tip for you.

If you're ever on the road and you're hooking up with a chick, all right? That's good advice.

Yeah. Make sure you book a room that has a lobby, okay? That's where you want to start.
And then when you're taking a chick downstairs, do your bits in the elevator.

Just get her laughing and talking on the way out. That way she'll do your good boots.
Yes,

your elevator bitch.

What am I going to say where you're from?

Make sure she's rolling on your way out of the lobby. And then, when you come back, strike a conversation with the man at the desk and then ask him the time before you go upstairs.

You'll never get accused of rape.

Great advice. Great advice.

So, what did you wager, Voss?

16, all 16 points.

And Big J wagered 10 points. That means you're a winner

for the second time ever.

Returning Story Wars champion, Rich Voss.

It's the same outcome. Rich Voss, repeat.

Story Warrior, two times, Story Warrior.

This is better than my kids. This is.

Because this will never turn on you.

Has anybody ever scored this many points? Yeah.

Yes. What's the most points? 38 in a regular game? I'm coming back.

Hell yeah. He will be back, everybody's fucking title.
How about it for our amazing panel tonight? The great Sean Patton,

Dave Temple,

and again, Story Warrior, Rich Voss.

And for Lewis and Jay. And for Lewis and Jay.

For the boys. For the boys.
Thank you so much. Thank you so much for checking us out.
Enjoy it. And we'll catch you next time on Story Wars.
I'm Big Jay Okerson. I'm Louis J.
Gomez. Peace.