C03 - Ep. 01 - Mission Through Middrus - Zero Hour

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One inhale of this incorporeal concoction, and you'll have a soul new outlook on life.

Now bring over a brew, snag a seat in view, and let's introduce our foul-odorous crew.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Gustavo Sorola.

I'm the dungeon master of our putrid party.

I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow, but we're just the...

We're back.

Before we really get into the arrow, we're going to do a little slightly different arrow this time.

I also, on top of the normal question, I also want every player to briefly describe their characters.

I want to hear your player name, your character name, the race slash species.

uh class and a physical description your face body clothes stuff like that just really help us build that theater of the mind and any food allergies Oh, please.

Dietary restrictions.

This week's role-playing warm-up question is: if your character had a catchphrase, what would it be?

You said that all spooky.

Yeah.

Gus, we're back.

We're back, believe it or not.

I feel like we should roll for initiative to who has to introduce.

Let's do it.

I don't know how we decide who does it.

I already have a D20 in front of us.

First roll of the campaign.

Here we go.

With real dice.

I rolled 12.

Eight.

Eight.

Eight.

Okay.

Okay.

Roll off on the eights.

Roll off on the eight.

Roll off.

19.

14.

14.

Just

ready?

Roll off on the.

So Blaine is after Barbara.

After Barbara.

And now it's me and Chris.

Nine.

Two.

Okay.

Barbara, Blaine, Chris.

It's to be alphabetical.

Yes.

The fates have to decide, okay?

We literally, that's the order we always go in, anyways.

That's so funny.

Amazing.

Well, hello, everyone.

I'm Barbara Dunkelman.

Nailed it.

Back for campaign three.

Super excited.

Pew, pew, pew.

Pew, pew.

And on this campaign, I will be playing Doug Boone,

spelled D-U-G, B-O-O-N-E.

Just like it sounds.

Yes, exactly.

Doug Boone is a bug bear artificer, and he's very tall.

He's about seven feet, 350-ish pounds, although he might say that he's 300 pounds.

He's lying.

He is a bit on the chubbier side.

You know, a lot of bug bears are a little more toned and muscular.

He's a little more on the soft, fluffy side.

He has a very kind face.

He has glasses that he doesn't wear all the time.

He has kind of like dark brown hair all over his body and face with kind of like light brown patches.

He wears brown pants, a kind of off-white beige long-sleeve shirt and a vest.

And the vest is two-toned colors, both teal and maroon.

And he has black boots.

Also, he has a lot of leather armor with spikes on it.

I love the fact that you are playing a character now that is larger in height and weight than your last two characters combined.

Combined.

By far.

More than double, probably.

Which episode will we find out that Doug is actually Elga and Bart in a trench coat?

A giant furry trench coat.

Spoilers, John.

Don't forget to do your catchphrase.

And I want to make this a little more interesting.

Okay.

Can we hear the catchphrase in your characters' voices?

Oh, absolutely, guys.

I would love to do my catchphrase in my character's voice.

Hey, guys, I'm Doug Boone, and my catchphrase is I could figure it out.

I love it.

I just love it.

That's so good.

I'm already so endeared to this giant teddy bear character.

Thank you.

Thank you, Blaine.

I mean,

oh, yeah, I guess that's a great place for me to start.

Yeah, what a great great segue.

Yeah.

Hi, I'm Blaine Gibson, previously known as Kyborgan Chipaney, among others.

And today slash this campaign for the next year, I don't know however long we're on this, I will be playing Tolv.

Tolv is an orc barbarian, similar to Doug.

He is like seven feet something.

He's a very tall drink of water.

He tall boys.

He tall boys.

This is like my first go at like a real heavy.

He's a green orc.

And when you think about him, think about like a traditional Viking, not like a Hollywood Viking with the leather armor and the horns.

He's got armor pieces and a helmet and stuff like that that protects his like nose and stuff like that.

And then the colors are a mixture of like brown leathers, but also the colors you think of when you think of an Aurora Borealis.

Oh, because he's a beautiful sailor and he's been out, you know, sailing the seas.

For those less familiar with Borealis, Aurora,

for Chris.

So I looked into like Swedish colors, colors that are common there, and it's like uh deep blues and maybe some like light greenish blue, like aquas, cool colors, yeah, and like and some like uh I don't know, I forget all the words for the colors, light blues, there's blues, a lot of blues and greens, like uh turquoise and stuff, yeah, turquoise and stuff.

Is there any chance that Tolf's catchphrases I forget the colors?

No,

so you know, you gotta imagine Tolv, big, huge, orc, uh, Viking, and this is what he sounds like.

This is his catchphrase.

Yo-hoo, it's me, Tolv.

That was all in.

Yeah.

Tolv talks like everything is question.

He has a smile on at all times.

Very happy to be here.

He is still working on voice.

Has not talked to people in a long time.

Very glad to be with the group.

Hey, Tov, I I think your voice sounds really cool.

Oh, thank you, Doug.

That makes me so happy.

Yeah, you sound like someone who I want to be friends with.

Do you want to be the bodies?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So that's Tob.

It sounded like you asked, do you want to be the bodies?

And I was really confused for a second.

The bodies.

Keeping with our sneaky dragon tradition of always having a barbarian, I will be relying upon both Chris and Barbara.

I am in your hands with barbarian insights.

I will be of no help.

I don't want that.

Blaine's Tolf's catchphrase that Blaine just did was the audio version of a person taking a high dive and doing three flips and then belly flopping at the end.

He did great and then doubted himself.

And then, like, peeing themselves a little bit in the pool under the water.

Yeah.

So, if we continue this tradition, then John will be the barbarian in campaign for right now.

So,

your fate has been decided.

Hi, I'm Chris DeMaris, and I'm playing Gunther.

He's a Croakfolk fighter.

A fighter.

Croke folk is a custom species of frog humanoids.

And he is two feet and maybe like 10 inches, about 30 pounds.

We got to have a little guy every campaign.

Does he say he's three feet when he talks to other people?

Just on his dating profile.

Can you give him like a yellow, more of like a

light, kind of darker brown yellow.

A light, darker brown, yellow.

Well, I'm thinking like,

when you say that color, it makes me think of like Texas grass in the summer, like where it's not green anymore.

It's like starting to yellow and kind of dry out a bit.

Desserty.

Yeah, the light, dark brown, yellow.

Yeah.

Well, Gus got it.

Texas.

I'm looking at my yard right now, so that may be part of it.

With some, you know, kind of like speckly a little bit, you know, and he's got big frog eyes.

He's clad in leather and he's got a cape with a hood that he sometimes wears.

Croak folk aren't very common, so sometimes he'll put the cape on or the hood on and kind of wander about.

He's also got a sword and a shield.

Yeah.

Weren't those Pokemon games, sword and shield?

Yeah, yes, they were.

Tolv would want to make Gunther

feel special with Doug.

So oh, look at us tall boys.

Oh, look at us very tall.

I think there's a five-foot difference between him and us.

His catchphrase would be, Hello, I'm Gunther.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

The perfect voice.

Please remove your shoes.

I shall kill you.

You've got the biggest voice out of the first three so far.

Like, there's a real discrepancy going on here.

Did Tolv and Gunther switch voices?

It sounds like

pleasure to meet you, Gunfo.

Really glad everyone has names that I could say very easily.

Gunther, what a mighty shield you carry.

That's wow, it's so big.

May I try it on?

And I imagine it's really small on Artole's body.

Bottle cap.

Yeah.

Like a knee guard.

Like you would put on.

Your detail about Gunther wearing a hood to blend in reeks of the ninja turtles wearing trench coats to blend in in New York City.

Yeah.

Like no one would notice the giant anthropomorphic turtle walking around who's wearing a fedora and a trench coat.

Well, normally you want to ignore people wearing fedoras.

As a former fedora trench coat warrior, I would want to say you probably want to normally ignore those people.

Oh, Gus, were you the Austin streaker of 89?

That's really how you get milladies.

Yeah, yeah, with a fedora.

Hi, I'm John Reisinger.

John Reisinger.

I am the this campaign playing Natty Wonder.

Natty Wonder is a drow warlock.

Oh, Natty

has fluid pronouns, he, him, she, her, but often with Natty's preferred form of gender expression, Natty's in drag all the time.

Natty loves drag.

Just to make it easy for everybody, she's, she answers to she, her when she's in drag.

Um, so I'll just be going with that, but either way is fine.

It's all gravy to uh, Natty, who loves gravy because Natty's a good kind of a southern looking girl.

Oh, I love it.

and i love that the name is a pun yes yeah natty wonder genius wait what natty dude do you want to explain it for chris natty wonder nat one oh

yeah yeah yeah

yeah i should have let him sat with it i was i was thinking of the beer no natty light she's not natty light

yep john loves beer he named his character

it didn't make sense i was like you know how he always talked about a brewski it's not even a good beer

natty is is five foot zero.

And in her drag, she's wearing like a giant blonde, curly, larger-than-life wig.

She is wearing like high-waisted flare jeans that have rhinestones on them, white boots, a gingham button-up shirt, gloves covered in rings, because that's just the level of audaciousness that she loves.

Cool.

Natty is always also seen with her son, who she'd be happy to introduce you to later on as we get into the campaign.

But she has we allowed to talk to him, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's always on, like, uh, she likes to take him around on a little, like, those little toddler leashes that you see people with.

I reach down and say, it's me, your uncle Told.

Yeah, was there anything else that I needed to tell about Natty?

Your catchphrase.

Zigglers with that catchphrase, brother.

Natty's catchphrase is, well, butter my biscuit, it'll be fine.

Ooh, I like Natty Wander.

Natty Wander.

Hello, Dolly.

You know what's going to be so hard for for me is I have a tendency to like mirror people or like imitate people when I'm enjoying what they sound like.

For your

Doug southern accent.

No, I'm going to forget Doug's voice completely and just want to emulate Toll and Natty all the time because they're such thick accents and I love it.

Same to Doug.

So Natty's Drow.

Drow queen.

Drow queen.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first non-inspiration die of campaign three.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you bets are Virk.

Yeah.

You bets are Virk.

Okay, I think it's time for us to all calm down.

Shimo down, everybody.

Stay away.

Oh, we have fun here.

It's a fun show.

All right.

Well, let's dive into it.

We used to know the gods.

They would descend from Hyra and dwell among us mortals on Midris.

The world was showered with rich blessings and all felt the warmth of the Bright One, the sovereign god of sun.

But one day, while the Bright One was sojourning on Midris, a fiendish creature called Infernus slinked out from the depths of Undar and stabbed the Bright One in the back with the blade of nether flames.

The Bright One, God of Gods, the shining light of Hyra, was slain.

Half the world was instantly bathed in darkness.

But thankfully, the Pale One, God of Moon, pierced the blackness with his long bow of lunar light and cast the devil back into the bowels of Undar.

To make sure such a tragedy never happened again, the gods returned to Hyra, and the celestial gates were sealed for a thousand thousand years,

henceforth known as the day the sun stood still.

We longingly wait for the day when the gates of Hyra are opened once more, but we aren't the only ones.

For the past millennia, the Sun Slayer herself, Infernus, the Undarian Overlord, has amassed an army of devils and demons to storm the gates of Hyra above.

Only one thing stands in their way.

Us.

May the gods have mercy on Midris.

Wow, that was a lot of lore.

I hope you took notes.

I did for once in my life.

Oh my gosh, three campaigns is all it took.

You took notes, Blaine?

Yeah,

this bright one, sovereign god of sun,

was stabbed by Infernus in the Hyra Laura.

I got the juice of it.

We're going to move on.

Wow.

It's like I heard all the lore twice there.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

Word for word.

Spark notes.

Your lungs choke with a swath of sultry heat and smoke.

You're in a vast, craggy cavern, perhaps underground, and it's peppered with stone ruins here and there.

It should be pitch black if not for a molten river of lava lava oozing past you all nearby.

What are you doing standing around, you meat-headed maggots?

Your gaze darts away from the lava to a short, mossy, stocky bog gnome.

He's wearing a blue military uniform with a golden patch on either shoulder.

His face is currently contorted with eyes bulging, mouth dripping with spittle, and a single thick vein throbbing in his forehead.

B-team, the clock is ticking!

You've got your mission!

Go, go, go!

He shoves something into your hands, and with stubby legs, he kicks all four of you towards the river of lava.

Everyone roll initiative.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, my God.

And just do a flat D20 roll for me, please.

12.

12.

11.

John, we have to stop muting like please.

Wait, so this is without our modifiers?

Just a straight D20.

Okay, seven.

Roll off.

16.

16.

No,

stop it.

Stop you pulling my leg.

Eight.

17.

Okay.

Okay.

So natty before 12.

So we got Nad, for you guys, we have Natty, Toll, Gunther, and Doug.

Okay.

You all look across the river of lava, and on the other side, you see a fellow member of the military chained to a craggy rock.

He's screaming, and that's what draws your attention to him.

And over him is Inferno, who seems to be torturing him, really, really working him over.

Wow.

Between you and your comrade are a couple of Undarian minions who appear to be mocking you, waving for you to come closer.

Is this like the beginning of a Dark Souls game where I'm supposed to die right now by fighting the big boss in Furnace?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was going to say, the person we're looking for right here, Furnace.

I was about to say, I was like, is that the name of the game?

I think we went to Blockbuster and got a game with a save file already.

It's going to be a real short campaign three.

Just a hard

one of the game plus.

It is actually the Undarian's turn.

Then after the Undarian minions will be Natty and then Tol.

Okay, so we are in combat.

Yeah, and for this little scenario here, we're going to be playing like you all have level zero stats.

So no modifiers.

Correct, no modifiers on your rolls.

You're just going to be doing straight D20 rolls.

I love it.

Just a flat roll to the dice.

You're going to have your base normal movement speed.

And everyone's AC will be 10.

Oh.

Gus, I just want to make sure you understand by doing that, there's going to be no math.

Are you okay with that?

Oh, I'll have to make you.

I'm gonna open the calculator wrap on my laptop and I'll just print some numbers

off while we're doing that.

Yeah, and your HP is the maximum of your hit ducks.

So for example, Doug, you have eight hit points.

Gunther, you have 10.

Natty, you have eight.

And Tolv, you have 12.

That's the poke to being a ballballian.

Beefy.

Between the four of you, I'll let you split it up as you like.

You have a couple of items that the drill sergeant has shoved into your hands.

Okay.

You have a 50-foot rope, a torch, a tinderbox, and a water skin.

I'll take the rope.

Can I take the torch?

I'll take the tinderbox.

Okay, also, do we really have to split these items up, or could like one of us just use them all in tandem?

Right, we shall each cut the rope in two before we

yeah, give them all the natty and she's gonna MacGyver this until I got a machine gun.

Yeah, that's up to you.

I assumed you wanted to split them, but one person can have all of them if they want.

I like splitting them, guys.

I have an idea with the torch.

I've always wanted to go to the Olympics.

You don't have your normal weapons, like, these are the only items you have.

What about spells that we are able to cast?

Are those not functional?

Good question.

For the moment, they are currently not available.

Gotcha.

No spells.

Unless you find a scroll, for example.

Okay, so this is a team.

We really got to use a secret weapon.

The boins.

Yeah,

boins, and then some of us could use our blan.

Who Scott's Buan?

I do not have a magic wand.

Did you wing your bland or your Buenes?

Okay, let's see.

That's the last time anybody's gonna make fun of my accent.

Don't make fun of Doug's speech impediment.

No, I don't.

I think that I think I love the way Doug speaks.

That's why I want to mimic it.

So does Doug.

I feel like then, from a meta perspective, splitting up the items would give everybody something to have in their hand to do something with.

Yes.

Probably.

Okay.

So then Gunther has the water skin.

We gave the frog the water skin.

I think that makes sense.

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay.

It is the Undarian minions turn.

And these are like small, devilish-looking creatures with red skins, spine tails, and gaunt wings.

They're pointing at you all and cackling, muttering to themselves.

So there are three of the minions.

One of them stays behind with the soldier and with Infernus, and two of them fly up to the opposite bank of the river from where you are.

And they're like beckoning you to come over.

It is Naddy's turn.

As you survey the scene in front of you, you hear the sergeant yell, True leaders, protect their privates.

Get out there and save him.

Sir, yes, sir.

Okay.

Why are you not saving him right now?

Oh, I know.

There's no need to yell.

I'm going to need you to hold your britches for a second, sir.

I'm on my way.

So there is a lava river between us and the rock with our friend and Infern.

Is there any sort of land masses for us to traverse the lava or is it a river of lava of some sort of length it's pretty wide directly in front of you but if you look you know you survey the the scene in front of you and you look slightly to your left and you see the river of lava kind of narrows down and there's land not too far away with what looks to be maybe what was the remnants of a dilapidated foundation of a building uh that you think you could probably jump over to fairly easily.

It's probably only a three, four foot jump.

And then the

little Andarians undarians that uh they're you said they're flying i think i caught you say that yeah they can they they have wings and uh they're kind of the two that approached you that are just in the side of the river are flying how far are the ones that are flying that approach me from me right now from you and it's straight we're talking straight line over the river of lava probably about 30 feet okay so as the undarian flies it's about 40 feet yeah and just just for reference it's undarian Undarian.

Could I fashion a lasso out of the rope and attempt to grab an an undariant.

Ooh, I love this.

I'd expect nothing less from you, cowgirl.

Yeah, why not?

Just roll me a d20 and tell me what the number is.

17.

You decide you're going to try to fashion a lasso out of the rope.

And Naddy, have you done this before?

Because it seems to come second nature to you.

You know just the perfect knot, just the right amount of slack to put into the rope, and you easily build a lasso out of it.

I feel like with Naddy's costume, it looks like she should have a lasso already attached to a belt.

It feels like it just fits.

Where I come from, if your mama didn't teach you how to do a proper knot in a rope, then your mama didn't teach you right.

Bruton tootin.

Just paint a picture for me.

What do you want to do with this lasso?

Yeah, Naddy would get to the edge of the lava river as close as possible, if there's any advancement I can make to shorten the distance between me and the Undarian, and then throw the lasso and try to get it around the Undarian.

If I do, there's probably some stuff I try to do with that.

Okay, yeah also uh natty is just like humming to herself while she does this i'll tell you what as you are building the lasso and start spinning it over your head your your feet you kind of stumble a little bit and you look down and you see at your feet for some reason there's an auto harp oh oh a what that's my auto harp right i don't know weird right yeah okay well i'd want to pick it up pick it up yeah you can't just leave an auto harp on the ground next to a river of lava no yeah as this is happening doug goes over to Toll and Gunther and goes, Why, did you just see Naddy summon an auto hop by spinning a bolt?

I didn't think that was possible.

Very magical.

What is an auto hop?

It's musical.

An auto harp is imagine a harp that has a hard back, like a guitar, as opposed to a harp being see-through, like with just string that you can like go through.

And imagine it being small enough that I could hold it in my arms as though I was like hugging it and then playing it with my other hand and picking it like almost like a banjo.

Oh cute.

So it is a string instrument that is handheld.

Need up.

You can sometimes have little picks on your fingers to play it.

I imagine her nails are long enough to be able to do that without picks.

Oh yes.

Yeah, I pick it up, one hand with auto harp, one hand holding a rope, swing it overhead, and I toss it at an Undari.

Okay, yeah, girl that D20.

That looks like sick album cover, I must say.

It is

like next to a river of lava.

Yeah, with a bunch of like little demons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a very different kind of country album.

I need artwork of this immediately.

It's so cool.

16 was my rope.

Oh, really good rolls.

I don't like it when the party does so well.

I know.

It's these dice.

I love these dice.

Your lasso closes around the closest Hindarian to you across the river, and it does, you know, fall a short distance to the ground under it, and it seems to be struggling to free itself.

Oh, by lassoing it,

it fell a little bit?

Yeah, it's no longer flying.

It is now on the ground opposite the River of Lava.

Oh, okay.

If I have any action available left, can I pull it?

Or am I done with my action?

Sure, why not?

Let's just end this.

Give it a tug.

And roll me a d20.

It's fighting.

Did you say give it a dug?

Give it a tug.

Doug, it's not your turn yet.

Okay, golly.

He's excited.

I only rolled a four on that one, so I made you happy there, Guess.

I'm gonna roll with disadvantage to oppose you because the Undarian is restrained.

I rolled an 18 and a 2.

So you actually, even with the four, you succeed.

Nice.

Yeah.

I guess with one hand on the harp, I guess I would just start like twirling to like rope it in.

And I just say, come here, honey, give us a kiss

and pull it towards the lava.

You pull the Undarian that's struggling into the lava, begins thrashing about.

The Undarian screams and then vanishes beneath the river of lava.

Unseen.

Okay.

Then I would give like a like a whip of the rope rope to pull it back so it doesn't fully burn in the lava.

Got it.

Okay.

Is that it for Natty?

Yeah.

And then I play a little chord on my harp.

Ooh, little flourish.

Yeah.

I want to say that Doug looks absolutely in like bewilderment over what Natty Wonder just did.

Yeah.

Like, if you picture those like sparkling anime eyes, that is what Doug looks like right now.

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Next, we have Toll, then after Toll is Gunther.

Told, it's your turn.

The drill sergeant looks at Natty first and then says, excellent maneuver.

However, it takes way too long.

You, Toll, do it.

Faster, faster, faster.

Okay,

here we go.

Yee-haw, Natty, very good.

You had mentioned that some of the Undarians were working their way towards us.

Like, how far away are they?

Are they within like melee distance or are they all over the lava river?

40 feet, I think.

Yeah, one is directly across the river of lava from you, which is 30 feet away, and then another one stayed further back within Furnace, and that's probably another 30 feet beyond that, so 60 feet total.

Okay.

As you're looking at them, sizing them up, toll, you look down and see a war hammer on the ground at your feet.

Hey,

looky there, that's my favorite war hammer.

Okay, I picked up.

Can Naddy do that too?

Naddy, you're so gifted.

This is amazing.

Okay.

It's not a mace, it's a war hammer.

I kind of want to pull aggro,

and I feel like a great way to do that would be to distract them with the torch.

So I imagine if I'm not getting...

One minute left, son.

Go!

Goodness, I'm sorry!

So I guess I would run to the lava river and light the torch by dipping it into the fire.

Okay.

And then I'd be waving around and then probably so that I can connect to them heading towards that like land bridge area.

Sure.

So that A, I can start making my way so that I can cross over safely, but also see if I can get them to follow me down there with them.

Yeah, trying to bait them into it.

Jurassic Park Road Flare.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You who follow me, Undarians, do not look at friends, look at Tollfie.

Alright, is there anything else you want to do there, Tol?

Uh, can't rage, right?

Uh, no.

Okay, no, that is it.

Is there any more Googies in the ground?

Um, roller d20.

Okay.

Ooh, five.

No, you don't find anything else.

However, you hear a very loud whistle blow from the sergeant.

And he says, NEXT!

Gunther, you're up.

Gunther, infurnace, and then done.

Did any of the Undarians move to like follow or anything?

No, it's not their turn yet, so they can't.

And there's that separation where the cabin is, you said, with the river.

And then how far, how long is the distance to the river otherwise?

If you're going over there to the short area or just the area in front of you?

Just area in front of me.

It kind of has like an upside-down U there.

So right in front of you, maybe 10 feet.

Okay.

Gunther looks down to see if there's also any magical things at his feet.

Good call.

Gunther, there's a rapier and a shield at your feet.

Ooh.

lucky me.

But they're normal size.

Can you pick them up?

You hear the sergeant yell, quit looking at your feet, son.

One minute left.

All right, Gunther grabs the sword and shield and then tries to jump across the river.

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

Roll the D20.

Crook folk have an ability called standing leap.

So their long jump is 25 feet and their high jump is 15 feet with or without a running start.

And I can use that once per short rest.

All right.

roll that d20.

I believe in you, Gunther.

Go get some

11.

Yeah, it's dicey.

You jump, but maybe there's like a little bit of loose dirt under your feet, and you barely manage to land securely on the other side.

And then, how far, I guess that's 25, the full 25 feet or whatever.

Yeah.

How far are the Undarians from me at this point?

There's one right next to you.

All right.

Can I try and stab it?

Yeah, make an attack roll.

Roll your d20.

Two.

Good start.

Yeah, the Undarian sees it coming and, you know, definitely dodges out of the way, evading your attack, and starts laughing.

Ugly.

I have failed you.

I apologize.

The sergeant blows his whistle.

Next!

Oh my god.

But it's actually Infern's turn who's working over the other soldier on the other side of the river.

Can I ask real quick?

What does Infernus look like?

Just out of curiosity, just want to know what we're angry at.

I know.

What if he's like very unintimidating?

He's just a little guy.

He's a chef.

Infernos is a devilish humanoid with bloodshot red skin that glistens with a supernatural sheen.

She towers over most creatures with vast leathery wings and a spiked tail.

Her fanged mouth drips with molten lava, and her eyes are a deep blackness that matches only her blade of nether flames.

She seems pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah.

She looks over at you all, but kind of disregards you, leans into the soldier she has held up, and you hear her ask, Where is the key to Hyrus Gates?

And she's gonna go ahead and make an attack.

Well, actually, no, she's gonna cast something.

And I'm gonna roll a d20.

Don't worry about it.

Should we not?

Yeah.

Ooh, a 10.

The chained-up soldier seems, his resolve seems to weaken, and you hear him feebly say, I don't know.

I would tell you, but I don't know where it is.

All right, next,

Doug.

Wow, okay, so.

Two minutes, son.

Oh, two minutes.

Our time went up, I think.

That's great.

Doug, you look down at your feet, following everyone else's lead, and you find something.

You find a scroll.

Ooh.

A squirrel.

Could I pick it up?

A squirrel.

Yeah, you pick it up.

It's a scroll of firebolt.

Ooh, the most delicious food, the squirrel.

Squirrel?

What squirrel?

Well, based on my calculations, this seems like a bit of a simulation.

Because we woke up and all of a sudden this is happening.

It seems very unreal.

But, you know, I'll play you a little game here.

Game?

Go secure your private son!

Nanny, could I borrow that rope from you?

Sure, honey.

Yeah, you get the rope.

Could I...

run over to where that little bridge is and try to cross it.

Yeah, just roll me a d20.

Okay.

The building?

Yeah, it's like a broken down building.

I was a 12.

Okay, yeah, you easily hop across.

Doug wants to take the rope and start swinging it and try to reach over to Infernus.

Okay.

And then I don't know if I need to make sure that that works before I try to cast my firebolt.

What's the goal with the rope?

I want to light it on fire.

Ooh.

Okay, gotcha.

Yeah, roll a d20.

15.

Okay, yeah, you toss it out perfectly.

And essentially, like, I wanted to hook it around in Furnace.

Sure.

Not as elegant as Natty, but you get it done.

Just always touching.

Yeah.

And then I want to cast Firebolt

in that direction so it also like attaches to the rope and goes around their neck.

Very cool.

And what does Firebolt do?

Firebolt hurl a moat of fire at a creature or object within range, make a ranged spell attack against the target.

On a hit, the target takes 1d10 fire damage.

A flammable object hit by this spell ignites if it isn't being worn or carried, and the spell's damage increases by 1d10 when you reach fifth level.

Oh, okay.

Go ahead and make that ranged spell attack like it asked for.

Eight.

Oh no, 18.

Sorry.

Oh, 18?

Oh,

oh, yeah.

I swear it was an 18.

Yeah, your firebolt flies true, striking inferno.

Roll your damage.

Seven.

Seven points of damage.

Inferno growls and looks in your direction, Doug.

Kneel before the Undarian Overlord.

And do I still have any movement left?

We'll say you have 10 more.

But they're still probably, what, 20 feet away from me?

Something like that.

Okay.

Well, is the rope on fire?

Yes, the rope has burst into flames.

Okay, I want to pull it.

Okay, you are now pulling on a flaming rope.

Is it attached to Infernus?

Yes, yeah, you did say that.

Yeah,

make a straight, just make a D20 check.

I'm gonna roll an opposed D20.

Four.

13.

Yeah, Infernus digs her feet in and holds strong against you.

And with that, the sergeant blows his whistle.

Next!

Oh, why, oh, why?

Who else?

You know, as the whistle fades away,

you hear like a gurgling and a blurbling from the lava, and it seems like the lava river begins rising and expanding, slowly engulfing more of the land around it.

Blurbel, gurbal to you too.

Everyone make a dexterity saving throw.

So let's roll a d20.

Roll it off my desk.

Wow, you wouldn't believe it.

I rolled a one.

Eight, eleven.

So I believe Natty is the only one who succeeded.

Natty, you see the river of lava expanding in time and you're able to step away from it.

Everyone else, it kind of catches you by surprise and singes your feet and your boots a little bit.

Everyone is going to take a little bit of damage from that.

That's seven points of fire damage.

Oh, for all of us?

Except Natty.

Okay, well, I'm at one HP, like right now.

All right.

Nobody went down.

Everybody's up?

Yeah.

Up and ready to go.

How much is Gunther ready to go?

Three ready to go.

Three ready to go.

Listen, all you need in life is one ready to go.

Anything above that is X-ray.

It's great.

Consider me ready to go.

Take an inspiration die for that dog.

You're gonna need it.

Also, am I pronouncing that right?

Infernes.

Infernus.

Infurnace.

Inferno.

Infernos.

Infernus.

Inferno.

Who I

am imagining looks like Tim Curry in legend.

Oh, that's probably a good comp.

Very scary.

Just Google the darkness, children.

It's a 1980s Ridley Scott movie that no one saw.

The soldier who's chained up begins screaming, you know, looking at you all.

Help me, please.

And then looks back at Infernus and says, I don't know where the key is.

Okay, it's the minions turn.

We'll deal with the one that's closest to Gunther.

I did not realize we were having despicable me crossover.

What are you doing here, little yellow creature?

I hate it.

I hate it.

All of a sudden, Tolv takes more damage.

Yeah, they're all going to focus on Tolv for some reason.

That was the point of me holding the torch.

That's right.

That's right.

Well, the one next to Gunther is gonna take an attack on Gunther.

It rears back with its claw like it's gonna slash at you, but then at the last second, it spins around and its scorching tail whips out in your direction.

Oh, fake out.

Impressive.

It's AC

10, which I believe is a hit.

Yeah, we're all 10.

Because we're all 10, right?

Well, we all have 10.

All our AC is 10.

Okay.

Yeah, everyone's AC is 10.

So that is a hit.

Wait, with the shield?

Oh!

Oh, right.

You have a shield now.

So it's 11.

Dang.

You needed that.

It doesn't hit.

That'd be 12.

Shields are plus 2.

Oh, to 12?

I rolled a 10, right?

7 plus 3, 10.

I rolled a 10.

Okay, yeah.

So the tail lashes out at you, and you would be toast.

It would really get you, but you duck behind your shield, and the point of the tail sticks into the shield, and then it pulls it out.

Oh!

And hisses at you.

There's one other Undarian who's up by Infernos and the soldier i think they're gonna see the dire straits that its friend is in so it's gonna fly down and join the fray as well i love that band

doug's over there uh gunther's over there toll and natty are over there okay i'm gonna roll a d4 one and two it goes after doug three and four it goes after gunther i really hope it doesn't go after doug That's a one.

It goes after Doug.

Oh, it shouldn't have said anything.

It makes a B line straight for Doug and winds up an attack with with its claw and lashes out hitting A C.

That's a 17, so it hits AC 20, which I assume is a hit.

Uh, let me do some math real quick.

Okay,

here we go.

What's the damage?

Oh, I thought she was waiting for her to do the math.

No, we're all tan.

We're all tamed.

Here it goes.

Okay, so it slashes out, doing two points of slashing damage.

Yeah, I'm down.

Oh, Doug, we hardly knew you.

Uh, Barbara, do you go ahead and roll up a new character before your next turn?

Natty, it's your turn.

All right, I'm now Elga von Braf.

The sergeant gets up in your face, Natty, and screams, you have two soldiers to save now.

Go, go!

Oh, no.

Oh,

how far am I from

Doug?

Doug is directly across the river from you, but the river has risen a little bit.

I'd say roughly Doug's probably 15 feet away.

Is Doug across the the river or on that fallen building?

Doug is across the river.

The fallen building kind of straddles the river, but so Doug is on the other side.

Okay, I can shorten this question.

Can I reach Doug?

And actually, that building is kind of submerged now, too, since the river rose.

If you jump across, you could reach Doug.

I would like to jump across.

Or like, what do you mean reach?

To get to Doug to stabilize Doug.

Okay.

Yeah.

What do you want to do?

Make like a jump or something?

Yes, because I don't think there's anything else I can do.

You, you know, you kind of steal yourself getting ready to make this jump, Natty.

And you look down, and wouldn't you know it, there's two scrolls at your feet.

Oh.

Ooh.

I'm a reader.

You pick up a scroll of Eldritch Blast as well as a scroll of Cure Wounds.

Oh.

Well, which one should I use on Doug?

Yeah, I want to jump to Doug.

All right, roll a d20.

It's like in a video game when you press the wrong button, so you just blast your teammate.

That's a 12.

Okay, yeah, you jump across and land right by Doug.

Yeah, I gotta test to see if there's a team damage.

I like to imagine Doug in his like half-death state, just sees this beautiful being just like soaring through the

jumping while playing her auto harp and just being like, helps on the way.

And I try to do a oh, I was about to say I'll do a medicine check to stabilize, but I can do cure wounds.

I'm gonna do cure wounds on this berry bug.

I gotta look up cure wounds.

Is it on your character sheet?

That's not an ability I have.

I think it's just a D roll of D8.

It's a scroll.

That's Batty 5.

All right, Doug, your eyes open.

When did you start laying down?

I saw you.

I must have, I guess I was sleepy and I took a nap.

Under myself,

you hear Sergeant Steeli yell.

Which one of you is the medic?

You, Betty?

I guess today I am.

And then he blows his whistle.

Next!

Discord hates it when you scream.

Pretty sure Micah will too when he's editing this episode.

Luckily, you can see it in the waveform.

But yeah, my waveform goes ahead peaks when I do that.

I try to lean back a little bit from the mic, but it's still a lot.

It's Told and then Gunther.

Who me?

Okay.

So

last I checked, I was over by that house.

Was I on the other, am I on the other side, kind of close to where it does?

Did you keep saying house and cabin?

Where are you getting this from?

It's a building, but yeah.

Yeah.

You're still on the side of the river you started on.

You haven't crossed.

The drill sergeant looks at you, Tull, gives you a soft kick in the butt, and says, Oh, what do I do with my slow privates?

I kick my privates!

And he kicks you again.

Oh, much damage!

Sounds like it hooks.

No, no, no damage at all.

So masochistic.

Okay.

I still want to pull aggro, but I think at this point, Natty and Doug need my help, so I'm going to do it.

I'm going to jump the river.

There you go.

Roll that D20.

Okay, here we go.

SF-15.

Yeah, you easily jump across and you land next to Doug and Natty.

When I land, I don't quite believe it.

My eyes are closed the whole time.

And oh, I made it.

I survived.

I think there was an earthquake.

Oh, it's just hove.

Now, do I have any more movement speed?

Would I be able to make it to

Infernus?

You wouldn't be able to get all the way over there.

You could get over to where Gunther and the Undarian.

Well, actually, there's an Undarian by you, there's an Undarian by Gunther.

You can get to either of those, or you could get maybe half the way over to Infernus.

Gunther, you need help on that Undarian?

I shall kill it or perish myself.

Okie dokie, then I die.

Then I fight the other Undarian.

The one by you that took Doug down?

Yeah, but before I do, I look at my feet and eat goodies.

Oh, wouldn't you know it?

Looks like you have a sixth cent.

There's a shield and some javelins.

Oh, I got my shield.

Okay, well, then I'll equip that, so that's plus two to AC.

And

I guess I'll stow the torch for now, and I'll have my hammer and my shield, and I'm going to attack the Undarian.

Do it.

Ooh, that's a two.

Believe it or not, that doesn't hit.

In the spirit of competition, I wish you luck.

Good job on your dodge, friend.

That's my losing it.

Didn't expect that, did you, guys?

Take an inspiration die told.

That was really good.

Can I use that for my bad?

No, no, no.

You got it because you missed.

That's funny.

Gunther, go!

Alright.

Gunther wants to take another stab at stabbing the Undarian.

Wouldn't you know it?

You want to do that, but you lose your footing for just a second as you realize you stumble over a hunting trap that's at your feet.

Whoa.

Like, I stumbled into a hunting trap.

It's not set.

Gunther is split in two.

I'll pick that up, but continue my stab stab.

Sure, go for it.

Roll that D20.

That was a four.

That's not enough.

I shall perish.

As I said before,

I shall perish.

Oh, man.

It's like watching Yoda on his bad day.

Then, yeah, I guess that's

it.

Hey, y'all, whatever you do, don't help Gunther.

He's got to learn this on his own.

Well, he said something about viewing it on his own.

It old television, so.

I will only encourage him.

You did your best, Kuntho.

You should be very proud.

I shall die without any honor.

That's the spirit.

It's not really listening.

The lava is just like roaring, and we can barely hear him.

Yeah.

Up next is Infernus, then after Infernus is Doug.

This will go well.

I like the juxtaposition between the names Infernus and Doug.

Yeah.

Doug.

Infernos, you know, looks back at you all, scowls, and leans over the chained-up soldier, pulls out a blade, and brings it down on him.

Oh no!

I'm gonna get roll with advantage to attack because the soldier is restrained.

A two and a six.

Really?

You did your best, Infernus.

You'll get him the next time.

It's a plus seven to hit, though, with two plus seven, nine.

I don't think that's a hit.

Oh no, with advantage.

So six plus seven, thirteen.

i'm pretty sure that's actually a hit why do you have modifiers in this simulation if we don't yeah what the heck yeah that hits oh that seems unusual infernos connects doing

four points of damage to the private who uh begins screaming in agony

uh keeps repeating i told you i don't know where the key is i know where the key is oh oh what a bold maneuver uh infern's head uh whips around and her eyes narrow as she considers Gunther.

Oh, I won't tell you.

She's gonna stay where she is for now, but she is looking directly at you now, Gunther.

When she turned her head, was it like an owl where it's the body remains, but the head just goes,

not quite like that.

Okay.

That would be extra creepy.

That would be very

creepy person.

Yeah.

So that's it for Inferno.

Doug, it's your turn.

Could I see if I recognize this private?

Oh, that's a really good question.

Yeah, roll the G20.

19.

Yeah, you recognize him.

You think you met him before, and you remember his name.

It's private parts.

Oh, Jesus.

Jesus.

Private parts.

The drill sergeant screams from across the river, Go save your private parts.

Don't touch him unless you ask for consent first.

We're working on it.

Do I know, like, from our training, essentially, like, if Infernus has any vulnerabilities?

That's an excellent question.

Well, roll me a d20.

Gus can be like, you remember, if you manage to cut her head off, she dies.

Another 14 bold strat.

You know, just, it's not necessarily from training, but just in general lore, that Infernus is somewhat resistant to fire.

Okay, I would assume, yeah, because probably some type of like demon thing.

But yeah, no, no necessarily weaknesses that you know.

And this is really early in your training.

This is like you all have not been trained very long at all.

Clearly.

But you look down at your feet, Doug, and you find a couple of things.

Oh.

You find a hand axe and some tools.

Okay.

Do you know what kind of tools I find?

Just assorted wrenches and screwdrivers.

Okay.

Gus sounds like me trying to name tools.

It's like one of those little leather aprons that you put like a bunch of tools in.

Do I still have the rope?

It is on fire on the other end.

Okay.

Could I

like kind of pull it in and like step on it so it like isn't on fire anymore?

Sure.

And then I don't know if I'm allowed to do this or if it's like a bonus action, but could I toss the rope to private parts?

It's pretty far, but you can roll a d20 to try that.

I guess could I get closer?

Yeah, you got to stand up first, which takes half your movement.

Then if you want to get closer, there is an Undarian still threatening you, so if you move beyond them, they will take an attack of opportunity on you.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'll just stand up for now.

Okay.

And then I'll try to just toss the rope to the private.

Sure.

Make a or just roll it to 20.

13?

Yeah.

You're able to toss it successfully to the private.

Well, we'll hold it there's no private pouch.

Don't put it on your private pouch though.

Just in your private pouch hands.

You see him struggle a little bit in the chains, and he does, you know, your throw was so true that, you know, he's able to easily grab it with his right hand.

Okay.

Could I tell how he's chained up?

Seems like he's chained to a rock.

Both his ankles and his wrists independently are chained to the rock.

Oh, like manacles.

And we're just stretching him.

Each

wrist isn't chained to each other.

Just each wrist is chained to the rock.

That's what I mean.

Like, is he like a spread eagled?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He's flying squirrel in the rock.

But he grabbed it with one of the hands.

Right.

He doesn't have a lot of movement, but you threw it good enough for you to.

Just imagine private parts, like, literally being, like, you know, manacled to this rock, spread eagle and just grabbing the rope with one hand going face

as there's like a sword in his side

do i have like um in the tools that i found any type of like lockpick or like wrench or like something small that might be able to pick a lock yeah you found uh there are lockpicks in there okay i don't know if this is gonna work i'm avoiding getting close could i tie one of the lock picks to my end of the rope oh and say private parts all you have to do is drag the whole bin and you should have a lock pick.

Oh, he's like, he begins nodding enthusiastically.

He can't pull yet because it's not his turn.

But yeah, he seems like he heard you and acknowledged.

Infernos, cover your ears.

Do not listen to this part.

I think Infernus is distracted by the fog.

Yeah.

Next.

And with that, you once again hear the blurbling and blurbling of the lava.

And once again, it begins rising.

Everyone make a dexterity saving throw.

14.

That was a three this time.

Ooh.

I also got a 14.

I don't know if that makes it.

I think I got something similar last time and I didn't make it.

11.

Well, luckily, 14 does make it.

Only Natty and Gunther both fail.

Oh, no.

Cool.

Doug and Tolv are able to see the river rising in time and step away, closing the distance to Infernus.

However, Naddy and Gunther do take ooh, 12 points of fire damage.

You guys are probably down, aren't you?

I am a damn.

Just a bit.

Just a bit.

Doug, this is not looking good for us.

I feel so bad.

Your prophecy came true, Gunther.

I've died.

Oh.

Naddy saved me, and then I left off for lava bait.

I feel so bad.

Alright, with that, it's Private Parts' turn.

He begins frantically pulling on the rope and manages to get the lock picks over to him.

I'm going to roll a d20 to see if he's able to successfully grab them since he's restrained.

Come on, Private Parks, you can do it.

He rolled a one.

Okay, never mind.

Can I give him my inspiration die?

Unfortunately, not.

You can, actually.

Oh, yeah, you can.

That's right.

Our comment section has been yelling at that at us for like a while now that you can gift inspiration dice.

I would like to gift my inspiration die to private parts.

Okay, sign here, please.

All right, private parts is going to take that.

I always forget.

Thank you for for reminding me.

Do I get inspiration dice for remembering that?

Go ahead and take one.

Yes!

It works!

This time he rolls a 19.

There you go!

That's much better, Private Parks.

I was really hoping he rolled a one again.

I was fine either way.

Yeah.

So he manages with his right hand to grab onto the lockpicks, free up from the rope, and he begins trying to use it to free himself.

I'm going to roll a D20 again, see if he's able to free himself.

18, yeah.

Let's go, Poi Vipa.

You are killing it, my friend.

You're gonna kill me?

No!

Hey, you're doing great!

Keep it up!

So he's now freed himself standing there next to Infern.

And now it is the Undarian's turn.

One is standing over Gunther where he fell, and the other is there by Doug and Tov and Maddie, where she is down.

The one over by Gunther is going to come over and support its friend by 12 and Doug.

Each of them is going to attack one of you.

The first one takes a swipe.

We'll do Doug.

It's alphabetically.

Natty healed me for five points.

So does that mean I have six?

Or is it like, would I go down to zero and then got two?

Yeah, you went down to zero, so if she healed you for five, you're at five.

Okay.

And the first one takes a swipe at you, Doug, with its claw, hitting a C11.

Yeah, I would hit, because I'm a 10.

No.

Alright.

There's a lot of Doug to hit, so it's fairly easy to typically hit me.

The claw slashes at the meaty part of Doug, doing two points of slashing damage.

It slashed his butt?

The other Undarian minion closes onto Tol and lashes out with its tail, hitting AC

11.

Ooh, nuke's very close, but no, no dice.

I'm at 12, right?

This is the same one that tried to attack Gunther earlier and it hit Gunther's shield with the tail.

And now it has happened again.

The Undarian looks at its tail and curses at it.

My friend, you're having a bad day, but I promise it might get better.

All right, we got Natty.

Natty, roll a death saving throw.

18.

All right.

Let's go.

That's a positive.

That's one good one.

12.

You are up.

Okay.

And the sergeant once again whistles and says, two minutes, son, go.

Ow, goodness.

Okay.

So that guy is close enough to me that if I were to run towards private parts, I would open myself to an attack of opportunity.

You would open to two, because there's two right there, one by Doug and one by you.

Ooh, that's not good.

Um,

okay.

I feel like the point of this mission is to get that private out of there.

Uh, so I'm going to take oat real quick.

I'm gonna check my feet.

You know the drill.

Oh, yeah, right.

Thank you.

Uh, let's see.

Toll,

uh, you check your feet and you find a scroll.

Oh, it says it's a scroll of cure wounds.

Scroll of cure wounds?

Okay, guys, seriously, who's littering all over the place?

There's so much things.

It's not good for the environment.

How far away am I?

Is that a distance thing, or do I need to be in a close proximity to the person that I would want to cast that on?

You need to touch them, right?

I believe you need to touch them, yes.

Okay.

I'm white by Natty if you want to throw it to me.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Good job, dog.

Can I make a tiny paper plane out of my scroll and toss it over to my friend Doug?

You all are pretty close to each other.

I'll say you could just hand it to Doug.

Okay, but I make your origami anyways because it's very fun.

Okay, you do that.

Here you go.

It's a crane.

I'm waiting for feedback.

Any notes?

It's very beautiful.

Thank you, my friend.

Okay, it looked more like an airplane.

Tov just hands over a crumpled piece of paper.

His eyes are just folded up.

It's a good best.

I am wearing mittens.

It's very hard.

Okay.

And then, even though I got these guys on me, I think I can kind of hold them back with my shield.

I want to take one of my javelins and toss it at

Infernus.

Inferno?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Make that attack roll.

Okay.

I say, hey, Infernus catch.

18.

Oh, that hits.

Roll damage, dude.

Oh, sorry.

Blaine was waiting for Gus to do something, and I'm like, dude, you roll damage.

You did the hit.

We haven't played D and D for so long.

It's a controversial moment.

I was very excited.

Leave that blank space in there, Micah.

Normally, what happens in D ⁇ D is you roll an attack, and if it's unsuccessful, you don't do anything, but if it's successful, you roll damage.

That's new.

This news to me.

Roll D6.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Okay.

Four!

Ooh, yeah, the javelin flies to Inferno, hits her in the shoulder, and sticking out.

She pulls it out and turns her gaze from Gunther's body over to you and scowls.

Oh, I scowl back.

I give the meanest scowl I can summon.

I like to imagine when Tolf scowls, he's still smiling like so big.

I can't help it.

I'm just having a great day with my friends in the lava pits.

Okay, I think that that's pretty much all I can do because I don't want to have an attack opportunity.

Yeah, actually, the sergeant blows his whistle and you'll see.

Nick!

Ow!

doug.

You are up.

Is it not Infern's time?

Look at you.

Yeah, you are correct.

It is Inferno.

I have my cursor on Infernus because I adjusted her for her hit points and I looked below it.

It's hot, Doug.

Look at you.

Wow, isn't it a great memory that requires maybe his boys and die that Douglas is going to be?

We're fishing

so many inspos.

Be real liberal with him here in episode one.

No.

Papa, please.

Infern is going to fly straight to Gunther's body and begins

looking through all of his belongings.

I thought she was going to eat Gunther or something.

Yeah, fried toad.

Can I speak?

No, I think

normally I'd give it to you, but I think, yeah, once you're down, you can't speak at all.

Okay.

Yeah, she goes through all your pockets and does not find the key.

All shall fear me, the sun slayer, and tosses your body into into the river of lava

i give a thumbs up as i

yeah as i go down you take another 12 points of fire damage what does that do do i am i dead yeah you uh gunther disappears beneath the uh the river of lava this well this is the saddest game of froger i have ever witnessed

i think you mean waggo yays

uh doug it's your turn okay so obviously gotta we we pay to fable

and cast kill wounds on my Funhill Natty.

Not Gunther?

I think it might be a little too late.

Again, and it's a touch spell, so like Doug would have to reach into the lava.

Ow.

Roll the D8 for me.

It's only a four, but...

I'll take it.

Four.

Zero.

There you go.

And then I guess it's probably the only thing I could do.

Well, what else?

Do you have any other ideas?

Movement would do Attack of Opportunity, so it'd have to be like a bonus action.

Well, did I find anything else by my feet?

I guess I should have asked.

No, that's it.

Yeah, you look around your feet and you don't find anything this time.

Y'all have cleaned up all the litter.

Okay, and previously you said I had a hand axe that I found, right?

Correct.

Okay.

Could I swing my hand axe at the

Undarian?

Sure.

13.

Yeah, it connects.

Cool.

And that would do...

It's a D6.

Six.

Ooh.

Yeah, you pull out your

hand axe.

Yeah, and you strike true with it right between between the eyes of the Undarian, and it falls to the ground unmoving.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sure you were a nice person amongst your group of friends.

That's gruesome.

We lost two friends today, Gunther and this unnamed Undarian.

Rest in peace.

Just for some also lore, Doug doesn't like killing.

Like, he'll do it if he needs to, but he doesn't like it.

I'm really loving Doug.

This is great.

Doug, you're in the wrong career.

Yeah,

I know.

I do what must be done.

That's it for Doug?

Yep.

You hear the sergeant yell, excellent work, Doug.

Thank you, sir.

I aim to please.

Are we waiting on the curve at all?

As you ask that question, the ground begins shaking and the lava begins rising yet again.

God dang it.

Everyone roll a dexterity saving throw.

Man, I need this.

16.

I rolled a nine, but I might have to do an inspiration.

Do I know if I failed that?

I think you did.

That's not a good roll.

I'll say that.

Okay, I give my inspo to Duck.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I rolled a 10 now.

You're going to be on the ground if I don't.

I know, that's true.

So are you giving me your inspiration die?

Yeah, because I rolled a 16.

I think that.

Yeah.

And after your second roll, that was a 10 there, Blaine?

Yeah.

I rolled a 20.

First net!

First net.

Wow.

Pop.

That's the sound of champagne.

But it's

alcohol-free because we're family-friendly here.

Oh, you can still say alcohol.

Bleep that out, Micah.

Our entire first campaign was led with alcoholic drinks at the top.

I forgot about that.

Probably all of the alcohol.

So, it's fitting.

You should do some kind of celebration because you're about to go down toll as you take nine points of fire damage from the lava that rises.

Oh, no.

You're in good company.

I'm coming for you, Gunther.

Did you guys heal that?

Dive.

Like otters floating in the river, you, your body, and Gunther's body hold hands to keep close to each other.

All right, it's Private Parts' turn.

Private Parts makes a B-line, tries to run over to you, Doug, and Natty.

Beeline to the B team?

Yeah.

Private Parts joins both of you,

Natty and Doug.

Sorry, I have to pause because I have to remember your new name for you.

Yeah, I mean, it's first episode.

And he approaches you all and puts his arms around each of you and gives you both both a big hug.

Oh, thank you.

I thought I was a goner for sure.

We got you, Mr.

Pouts.

What's your first name, by the way?

Private.

Private Private Parts.

Private Private Private Parts.

Wow.

I'm going to have to have a talk with your parents.

That's unfortunate.

And with that, there's a loud ka-chunk you hear, and then a whoosh.

And the sweltering heat and smoke subsides.

The craggy cavern melts away and all the lava vanishes into thin air.

What's left is a barren warehouse made of iron.

Instead of Undarians, you see four young humans in blue military uniforms dusting themselves off, as well as the stout halfling private parts, who has sweat so much that his uniform is significantly darker blue than everyone else's.

And he's hugging us.

The bog gnome drill sergeant steps forward to address you all.

Well, I can honestly say in the 30 years I've been training recruits, I've never seen a team quite like yours.

Not saying that's a good thing.

You have a lot, and I mean a lot of rough spots to iron out, out, but I might see a minuscule possibility of slight potential in U4.

One of the young humans steps forward with a furrowed brow that quickly changes to a cheerful smile.

His green eyes furtively scan U4.

I don't know, Drill Sergeant Steele Eye.

They seemed all over the place to me.

Rookie moves all the way through.

And talk about rusty and or non-existent armaments.

I don't think the mortally in material.

Did I ask you for your opinion, Private Lasso?

Well, no, but...

I think you mean no, sir!

Or did you recently get promoted to lieutenant?

Private Lassok straightens up at attention.

No, sir.

Then get back in formation with A-Team until I say otherwise.

Lassok salutes the sergeant and marches back to the other privates, but his eyes stare daggers at U4.

The other three humans chuckle to themselves and one says, Classic Lasic.

Am I right?

Shut it, miss.

What were you even doing out there?

What are you talking about?

It was brutal out there.

A-Team continues to bicker amongst themselves.

Sergeant Steele rolls his eyes.

Brutal.

Anyway, as I was saying, I might be able to mold you for into something actually useful on the battlefield, but first I'm gonna break you down into tiny pocket-sized pieces, and then I'll grind you into a pathetic powder, and then I'll smash you to smithereens till there's no semblance of you left.

But

shut up, you!

If you survive all that, maybe, just maybe, you'll actually be soldiers.

Welcome to Mortalion Boot Camp B Team, or should I say, Brutality Team?

Oh, that's pretty cool.

I have dishonored my family and my team.

I am sorry.

That's it for this episode.

Find out what happens to Brutality Team in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

We'll be back next week with an episode of Second Wind to talk about

this episode about Campaign 3.

And, you know, we can definitely address how the gloves are off for player character deaths.

And we're going to talk a little bit about how death works for Campaign 3 in next week's Second Wind.

So make sure you check that out over on our Patreon, patreon.com/slash stinky dragon.

All Patreon members get access to that.

Until next time, stay stinky, friends.

New campaign!

Of course, us on Patreon.

It's really the only way we could make this show, so keep supporting us.

Yay, please, we need it.

Toodaloo.

Bye.

Also, what was so great on that test?

Yeah.

New episodes of Talesman the Stinky Dragon premiere every other Wednesday anywhere you stream podcasts and on the Talesman the Stinky Dragon YouTube channel.

Want to listen to the show 48 hours early and ad-free?

Become a patron at patreon.com/slash stinky dragon or become a member of beacon at beacon.tv.

Both memberships support the show and receive access to our exclusive bonus series Second Wind and a member-only Discord for their designated platform.

Become a patron, you get access to more exclusive bonus content, Stinky Dragon community, and Discord events, and you get your name shouted out, just like this.

Oblivion, aka Don Boritz, Jeeks Flavingo, Hannah Morton, Ahoy Batwon, and David Spradley.

Patrons that interact with us on Stinky Dragon Discord had NPCs named after them in this episode, like Drill Sergeant Steel Eye, named by Sergeant Steel82.

Wonder where he got that name.

Private Classic Lastic, named by Dirk, voiced by Terry Shawcross, at Terry Shawcross, check them out on Twitch.

Private Mest Mestra, named by Creative, voiced by Ash Olette at F-A-F-N-Y-R-R.

Private Private Parts is voiced by Ben Ernst at Halcyon underscore Ben.

This week's arrow question was submitted by GhostGamer5210.

This episode of Test from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Michael Reisner with additional editing work by Catherine Arnold.

Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

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